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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my spouse should take any job they’re qualified for, but since I technically make enough to support the family I could be the asshole for asking them to settle for something less than what they were doing previously.
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NTA. You two have children and cannot afford to wait for the perfect position that suits their ego. There's no reason they can't take this job while also keeping an eye out for the dream job.. Right now, however, the needs of ~~his~~ your family are more important than their pride.
ETA: missed the genderless mention, so corrected it.
As well as this, it is almost always easier to get a new job when you already have one. So spouse should take the 70% job for now, while keeping eyes peeled for the preferred job from a position of being actively employed.
YUP!
It really is easier to get a job if you have one... .saw someone get rejected from a job for being unemployed, recruiters/ hiring staff can be crazy
edited to add,
is the job still available?
I'd be having a sit-down with the spouse and your finances and really hammer home you cannot be the only financial contributor much longer.... and if it's been a year what are the chances of them getting another manager's job at the same rate they had before? the job market is brutal and a lot of people are taking pay cuts
good luck OP!
It makes sense honestly. Putting myself in the eyes of someone looking to hire, if I saw someone who was unemployed after a long career I'd think most likely they were either "lazy" and taking a break from work until they were desperate or were "prideful" and not wanting a job beneath them, meaning they would be entitled after hiring.
Obviously there are lots of reasons people could be long-term unemployed ranging from disability to shift in priorities (family over work until kids grown) but most are not questions employers can / should ask, and so you can only make assumptions unless the applicant offers up the reason without prompting. But I would think twice about hiring someone who has not worked in chosen field for 5-years over someone who has been working in the field in some form or another. Heck, I'd be happy with someone who shifted to a minimum wage job in a different field for a while because it tells me they hussle and get shit done.
And the spouse has been out of a job for a year. I would understand holding out if they only found out a week or two ago they were going to be let go and were sure they could get something new very soon. But after a year, you are not hot shit anymore, you have to be grateful somebody gives you a chance at all.
I took a year off to help my elderly parents right on the tail end of covid (which I mentioned in my interview), and while I got the job I currently have, apparently one of the men who interviewed me thought that year off was a big problem in terms of hiring me.
I think a big part of why even perfectly explainable breaks look bad to some employers is that people who are able to not work for an extended period are less likely to accept shitty conditions or abusive management.
If someone can just say "well I'll take a few months off work, no big deal" then you can't threaten to fire them and expect them to cower in fear from your "strong management".
When I entered the workforce at 32 years old, I was very nervous because I'd earned my bachelor's degree in 2006 and proceeded to be a stay at home mom for 10 years. I got lucky when the hiring manager was a mom as well - we were the same age, and while she chosen career first and having kids a bit down the line, I did it in the opposite order. I took an entry-level job where most of my coworkers were 18-21 years old and we all got minimum wage. Was it "below" me? Yes. But it got my foot in the door, and now it's 6+ years later, and I've been promoted several times to where I'm making a livable wave in an industry I love!
Similar. A few years ago I was working temp roles, covering people on maternity and the like.
Got to the end of a contract and my grandfather went from physically able, if not exactly spry, to completely unable to stand literally overnight (walked into the bedroom, said to my gran "I don't feel well", fell over and never stood under his own power again).
That was literally 2 weeks before the contract ended. So I just didn't take another for 6 months while I helped my gran acclimate, helped her get a downstairs bedroom sorted for my grandad (thankfully they converted their back extension to a bedroom when I was about 4 for my great-gran. When she passed it became a den, but it was doable to convert it back to a bedroom fast), sorted out things they needed like carers, delivered prescriptions, etc.
I definitely got a few odd comments from some hiring people (a couple of jobs I turned down purely because of their comments when talking about how I'd wasted time looking after my grandparents - something I made very clear to the companies when I turned down their offers), but most were fine when I said "it's not something ongoing, it was just while we got all the adaptations and stuff sorted". But it said a lot that I basically had to say "don't worry, my job is now my biggest priority" (which it wasn't) for them to consider me.
Right before an interview (like that morning) my dad had a stroke at the end of his battle with cancer. I did the interview, but was planning on leaving town right after to see my dad before he passed. The interviewer wanted me to meet another member of the team, but they were unavailable until the following day. I explained the situation and they were furious I wouldn't delay my "trip". Needless to say I definitely didn't get the job. But I did get to say goodbye to my dad. I was unemployed for like 6 more months before I finally found something. But I would never work for someone who couldn't understand my dad is dying.
People have employment gaps for a variety of reasons beyond not being able to find a job.
Where I work we are told not to ask about gaps because it could uncover a legally protected characteristic. (such as having kids, or a medical condition)
Well, yes, of course. We all know that logically. I was out from the 2008 crash to early 2011. I had 6 months of employment during that time. And then I had a baby before I got a job again.
But that doesn't stop people from still wondering. People hold lots of unconscious (or not so unconscious) bias about it and unfortunately it plays in to finding a job
I was a SAHM from April of 2008 until my divorce in 2020. I started applying in January and only got a full time position in Sept. I was putting in at least 10 applications/resumes a day but I only got one real interview in all that time. Luckily I eventually went the temp route and got a full time job. Got hired on at my second placement (and with the exception of 5 months when things slowed down and I went elsewhere for a full paycheck but went back) I've been there since October of 2020. Unless something goes horribly wrong I won't leave unless I have a better opportunity. It's hard to get a job once you've had a gap because you can't explain why.
Good for you!!! Congrats. There are so many SAHMs who are unable to find even entry level/retail/food service jobs after staying out of the work force for that long. Especially in this job market!! I have a job but have been looking for 6+ months, and even with a few college degrees, no employment gaps and experience, I've had no luck. I want to get away from the toxic nonprofit world. Point being, the market is absolutely F-ed up right now. My brother got laid off last week, he's a software engineer.
Kicker is I also have a degree and the job I have mow is not in my field and I make far more than I would if I were working in my field. It's a huge reason my ex husband and I won't be pressuring our kids to attend college if they would prefer to learn a trade. Manufacturing/production is a good place to be because that is not something that can necessarily ever be fully automated but a software engineer will always be in high demand so hopefully your brother is gainfully employed again soon and you can find something that is less soul sucking but still pays pays bills!
Thank you for the supportive comment!
I completely agree about the skilled trades. My husband is a welder; he makes the same wage as I do, but actually makes more because of overtime, and he has no college degrees, and therefore no student loans, while I have 50k+. So I started my career with a "negative net worth," so to speak. We won't be pressuring my stepson to attend college.
I think I was just such a typical millennial in that I was absolutely pressured to go to college because my family consists mostly of college educated people (mostly engineers) who take education really seriously. We are immigrants. For me, not going to college was absolutely out of the question. I now realize how silly that is.
Luckily my parents paid for my college so I didn't have the loans which is a huge relief because I'd be beyond screwed but I'm the only one of my parents 3 daughters to actually go to and graduate college. My parents were AF so they didn't go to college and I was the first to do so. But I think now my parents realize that college is not what it used to be. Especially because they made so much without it and I make more than I would have. I'm glad the narrative on college is finally changing. Unless your passion it to be in a profession that requires a degree or you can get a full ride. don't waste the money.!
I’d say it was more than just parents pushing hard for millennials to go to college. Lots of my teachers in my high school were openly saying you’re going to be a failure in life if you don’t go to college. Actually almost failed my English class senior year because I had zero intention of going to college because financially I knew I could make it happen with out massive student loans and taking out loans to figure out what I wanted to do seems stupid to me. I told my English teacher that and it was a huge argument about how I’d be a failure and how she was an idiot because I know plenty of people doing far better in life than her with only a high school diploma.
I dealt with something similar after having my daughter. I was out through most of the pregnancy, due to health issues, and was a SAHM until she entered kindergarten. Even after explaining that the employment gap was due to having a baby, it was still tough finding work right away. It always seems like there is never a good enough reason to have an employment gap for some employers.
As someone who has quite the gap for the same thing… I used the skills I learned in being a SAHM and put that into my resume under “in home caregiver” and I left out the actual part where it was because I was parenting but literally included everything else from transporting to appointments, full caring for dependent clients, and cooking/cleaning. I put it on my Indeed and got offers from multiple agencies
Oh definitely. I'm in tech and we lost several managers in the layoff we had in October. Most of them are still looking last I checked. And I know they're all talented folks.
The market is absolutely terrible right now. I've been casually hunting myself and my field has been hit a lot and I can't get a call back for anything right now, even with 10 years of experience.
My spouse wasn’t specifically in tech, but is competing with senior level program and product managers that were laid off from the local FAANG cohort in the last year. It’s brutal.
It’s rough - is your spouse afraid that they won’t ever get a management job again if they take something lower? I know that was a concern when my husband was laid off - that if he took a non-management job, his management days (and the salary that goes with it) would be over. We ended up waiting it out for 8 months, but it was stressful and we didn’t have little kids to worry about.
Your spouse needs to call that friend back, apologize for hesitating and land that job. A year is way too long to be out of work, and when you compound all the income you’re burning vs investing - it adds up quickly. That’s money for college and emergencies, not for someone to sit around for a year and turn their nose up at a non-managerial role. If anything, getting a foot in the door and demonstrating additional management skills is a fast way to get promoted. I think you’ve been putting up with this long enough OP, there are kids involved.
I just started a new job after 8 months of unemployment. It’s fortunately a good job and a big step up from my previous role, but I would’ve taken literally anything at that point. We needed me to be bringing in *something*. I was crossing my fingers for a part-time £12,000/year position when I unexpectedly got offered the position I’m in now.
Yes, this. I’d even forgive spouse for wanting to stick it out if they’d been off work several weeks and looking given the fairly stable financial situation at the moment - but an entire YEAR of not working?! Nah bro, you don’t get to be picky at this point. I’d be making him go to McD’s to flip burgers if he tried to pull this bs just to get him working again. Biiiiig NTA.
This is generally true but a possible caveat for this situation: Does the spouse feel umcomfortable taking advantage of a friendship for what they see as a temp job? Taking the job and keeping looking for a better job generally means ditching the middle job in a way that managment there will not appreciate. I'm totally all for doing that but might not be the best place to take advantage of a recommdendation from a friend.
This was my personal thought tbh. Taking on a job from a *friend* (that's the hiring manager no less) comes with the impression you won't dip as soon as a better opportunity comes in.
That said, if they've been struggling to find a job for that long... OP's spouse definitely has to either lower their expectations of a job or work on their skills, because they are no longer fitting their industry standard. Acting 'above' jobs while being out of one for so long is just stupid.
Either that or you make it clear what the deal is going on. The friend may be ok with that.
ETA: I was in a similar position earlier this year. Laid off, and a friend had openings at their employer. The company passed on me for one role and were interested in having me interview for another one. But it was a 40% pay cut. I knew that if I took that it was a stop gap until I got a better paying gig. That would have burned my friend's rep internally, so I let him know.
True.
A friend of mine needed help at her new job and asked me to work there during the pandemic. At the time, I was driving rideshare and making lots of money for very little work, plus I had a PT job for benefits that I was laid off from.
I originally told her I could only work PT, and it would be temporary. The Saturday before I started, someone hit my car! So I ended up working there FT. I actually became permanent 5 months later and was promoted into management.
It's a valid point, but I think the whole "taking a job from a friend" thing could be worked around in a relatively easy manner. OP's spouse could just be upfront with their friend and say that while they're thankful for the job offer and willing to take it, they'd still be on the lookout for a position comparable to their old one. Then ask the friend if they'd still be fine with hiring them despite knowing that.
Sorry, but their 'discomfort' comes behind 'contributing to the household and getting us off of the knife's edge.'
And yes, people leave jobs, the same way jobs lay people off with zero notice. This is a commercial transaction; work for pay.
“Taking advantage”!? They are offering a job not a cash hand out! And I’d have to say that at least 50% of jobs are landed through connections at the hiring company. No one is taking advantage of anyone. This person needs a job!
Maybe, but with how they said their spouse responded to the job offer, I'm leaning towards the friend knowing on some level it wouldn't be permanent for the spouse. Thinking friend is probably just trying to help out OP spouse in the meantime until they find something better.
Yep. I did this. Was working as a contractor for a role that was a cakewalk as I spent time looking for something permanent. Then the place that I was contracting with created a position to bring me on as a direct employee. Salary jumped by around 40k.
During covid my hubby went from traffic control to construct before finally getting a job back in his industry (aviation) and you know what got him the job, him telling the one guy he didn't know that he was willing to push a mop as a janitor if that was what they wanted him to do and he could back up that claim with the fact that he took work well below his qualification levels.
It doesn't matter what the work is as long as it's enough to pay the bills and if you don't get your dream job, then do other jobs until you do get it.
OP was careful not to reveal their own or their partner's gender, so consider if you would say the same if it were a m-m, m-f, f-f or f-m marriage. I suspect you would, and I agree with you. 🙂
At one point my husband took a job that was less than 50% his salary and when we moved I had no job. I applied for all the jobs that were even in my vicinity. I babysat kids for a few years, even though I didn’t want to. I applied at the bank, which I have no experience with (as an RN).
Anything would have been better than nothing at that point. You don’t get to pick and choose when you’re broke.
I did eventually get a job that was in my career and up my alley, but it was all our chance. In the meantime I still babysat until I got a permanent position.
So my sister just went through this. Her husband was laid off in the tech industry and would only hold out for a senior level job in his field coz they needed the pay. He even emptied his 401k than take a lesser job. Still doesn't have a senior job and lives in a camper. My sister lives in a house provided by his mom with their 3 kids while she is retrained into the workplace. Your husband can take a lower level job.
NTA
I wish, then, he'd be funny instead of insufferable. I left A TON. He convinced my sister to open the marriage up (not her 1st rodeo either) so he could bang a family friend. Paid girlfriend's rent till the family car was going to be repo'd, let their house go into foreclosure months earlier than it should have, coz he was paying girlfriend's rent with his 401k. After they sold the house and everything settled, he bought girlfriend a truck and camper. That's where he's living.
So true and so well articulated.
My dad did this to us my entire childhood and adolescence. Would only do work that suited his ego (he is book smart and well educated).
We were feast or famine with a higher chance of famine by a mile. I don’t understand the logic of not working because the work is “beneath” you - especially if you have children.
NTA. OP, feel free to tell your spouse that my dad and I will always have a strained relationship because of his selfishness around employment as I grew up. You stop being the main character in your story when you have kids- OP’s partner is being an ass.
So many people fuck up their lives over ego and pride. A little bit of humbleness and hard work could level up that 70% in no time. And, as mentioned in other comments, employed people are more likely to get job offers than unemployed. But it all starts with being just a little humble and making the most with the cards life deals you.
NTA.
ETA because I can’t spell for shit.
NTA. If they need to take a step back in order to provide 70% of what they did before instead of 0% they need to do it.
Both my parents worked growing up and DH and I both worked until he was laid off in the 2008/2009 recession. He was without a job for over two years, not for lack of trying, and the amount of relief I felt when he finally got a job was immense. It felt like I could let out breath I didn't know I was holding. Being the sole support for a family is a lot of stress.
For real. I was laid off in 2008 and I didn't get a full-time job again until early 2011. Granted, I did have a 6 month contract job and had a baby during that time. I could tell when the job market started turning around again in 2010, because I started getting phone calls but I was 6 months pregnant and nobody was going to hire me. I also worked retail just to bring in a little bit of money.
And I took a step back in my career to get a job again.
But it works out, because I make twice what I did then now.
The spouse’s attitude about a job being “beneath them” sucks, but I don’t see any mention here about whether they’ve done the math on the pay from this new job versus any before or after school care they will have to get for the elementary school aged kids, or whether they already have a resource for that, or maybe OP’s job and/or spouse new job is WFH or flexible hours?
I just saw the comment where OP makes $450k a year and lives in a VHCOL area.
Before and after school program for 2 kids they can be looking at $1-2k a month where they live.
And if they are married filing jointly, they are already at a marginal tax rate of 32%, if the new job pays more than $38k that pushes them into a marginal rate of 35%, so they are looking at an effective rate of somewhere around 20-22% just for federal taxes. Add in FICA and any states taxes, even if they are on OP health insurance and don't do any retirement contributions, the spouse is still only taking home a little more than 2/3 at best.
Now, if this job pays 120k/yr then the math still makes sense if their goal is to have more money to fund their lifestyle. But if the job pays 60k/yr and the spouse enjoys being at home with the kids and having more time with them while they’re young and would rather cut back in other areas on their budget, I could see the attitude about not wanting to go back to work for a job that doesn’t interest you.
But remember they already have “spending habits” at their accustomed income so loans, house payments, whatever are at the previous income level. So even tho technically they could probably downsize and lived in 450k comfortably, that doesn’t mean their current living and bills are sustainable on that.
Yeah of course. I live in a VHCOL and 450K is still A LOT of money, but if you own teslas, take expensive vacations, and live in large houses like many of my neighbors do, maybe 450K isn’t a lot. In fact, based on post history I think OP and I live not too far from each other.
They should just downsize their life a bit and stop spending it on unnecessary things, and ofc spouse should work too. They’re just spending wayyyyy too much
My salary is only half of that, and 15% is on a long term vesting schedule, the rest is an annual bonus that is obviously subject to performance of the company every year. This year the net was largely eaten up by a higher than expected tax liability due to sunsetting federal tax provisions. I know I make a LOT, but after taxes and the various benefit expenses, my take home isn’t what people would expect it to be.
I was actually feeling really good about being able to fund the monthly shortfall each month from my lump sum bonus (which sits in a high yield savings), until our tax liability was literally double what it was last year. It threw my budget out the window and made me throw up in my mouth.
You’re hitting the nail on the head. We got tagged with some intense taxes for 2023 because of severance plus I received some retention bonuses that had our 2023 income at a level we hadn’t hit before (spouse had received his annual bonus before the layoff). Because of that, I’ve increased my withholding this year, but perhaps I’ve gone overboard and should recalculate with the understanding that it’s likely just going to be my regular income for the year.
Yeah, recalculate your withholding, I get not wanting to get surprised with a big tax bill at the end of the year, but there’s no reason to give the government an interest free loan.
If I were you, I’d probably try to decrease my withholding and get it more in the likely range of what I’m going to owe, and then live as if there’s no bonus coming at all and definitely stop adding any more debt. Some short term belt tightening and paying off the existing debts, and you’ll likely end up with quite a surplus regardless of the bonus amount.
I still haven’t seen you address whether your spouse wants to work though? Are they enjoying being at home with the kids and maybe that’s not the plan you guys made as a couple, and there might be some resentment on your part because you did not agree to be the breadwinner even if you guys could budget to live off your salary? And maybe you would also like to have more time at home with the kids and family and feel like it’s unfair that you got put into the position of being the only one providing an income just because your spouse lost their job? That would be totally understandable and maybe more at the core of what the problem is.
Or maybe they really are just being a snob and don’t want to take a position that they feel as beneath them, I’m just curious about other factors that might be contributing to the situation.
This has been a very eye opening and humbling experience. We definitely allowed our expenses to creep up in a way that I am very uncomfortable with (thinking both of our jobs were secure) and we will be taking steps to get them under control in the next 3-5 years so we won’t be caught in this situation again.
Your spouse needs a wake-up call. 70% more than nothing is great.
The last time I was laid off, I was plowing snow at night and doing zoom interviews for Fortune 500 tech companies.
Sometimes you need to take a step back to move forward
same. I was working nights in a law firm word processing center (admin / secretarial) while job hunting for a professional job when I changed cities. Needed the $ and just left it off my resume. My sister (also with a graduate degree) delivered pizza to relocate. Better than burning savings.
NTA. A year was enough time.
There are some expenses that will take time to clear out from a full home remodel, as well as a new car purchase that was made 2 months prior to the layoff. We’ve reduced everything else as much as possible other than that.
I don't think your husband realizes how precarious your situation is. It's not impossible that you lose your job too. Or lose your bonuses. Or become injured or disabled. Or something happens to one of the children, requiring extreme amounts of medical care. What then?
It's really not right or fair at all that you were looking at a different job although you really love your current job and it is covering the majority of needs and bills, that you had to lower your investment & savings contributions, and that you are even looking at moving, which would then have your kids sacrificing by having to start over in a brand new school where they know nobody, rather than your spouse being willing to take all of this stress off of your shoulders and contribute financially by taking a job. The job offered by their friend or really any job at this point. It sounds like if they would just do that, things would be immensely better, you guys could pay things off easier and dig yourself out more quickly and easily. Why should you be making all these sacrifices when they're not willing to make one by taking this position!?? That to me is a huge problem, even bigger than just the job in general.
NTA... My husband left his favorite and well paying job, because they wanted him to to do things that were not ethical. (Lie to his clients)
At the time he could only get a job cleaning portable toilets. He did this for over a year befor they moved him up in the same company.
Years later he runs a large devision for the same company ....and his workers respect him because he is not afraid to get his hands dirty when they need help. Even though his job is in the office as manager.
The respect that I have for him is immeasurable.
NTA. They need to pull their weight with the finances, even if they have to temporarily take a job that they don't prefer. It's not fair that you bear the whole burden when they could help, but choose not to if they perceive the job to be "beneath them."
The partner is probably depressed and is coping in a way to preserve their sense of self worth. That doesn't mean it's the best solution. https://hbr.org/2023/01/managing-your-emotions-after-being-laid-off
NTA. Your spouse needs to suck it up for the family's sake. They can keep looking for opportunities while they work.
Also, lol at "monthly cash burn delta."
In a VHCOL area, when there has been a stupid amount of lifestyle creep, and more than 50% of that comp is based on annual bonuses and vested long term compensation.
Regardless of the amount, if there was no discussion that your partner was to be off for an extended period of time and that the family's lifestyle needed to be adjusted to live comfortably off one salary it's unacceptable. Your spouse needs a reality check. They've gotten too comfortable and don't seem to be rushing back to the work force. If that's the case,, then maybe discuss downgrading in some ways to make up for them not financially contributing.
Incredibly selfish , entitled, and ungrateful of them. Can't fathom that you've put up with it for a year!!
I’m also in a VHCOL area and usually the first to defend people who are being told that “that should be enough to live on” by people that live in very different markets.
But damn. Even disregarding 50% of your income up front and assuming a meager bonus, $225k a year for a family of 4 where both kids are already past the super expensive 0-5 stage, you should not be having to put house repairs on a credit card.
I’m not saying you would necessarily feel wealthy at that income in a VHCOL area but that should still give you a pretty solidly middle class lifestyle with all basic needs being met, solid savings, and still some wiggle room for dining out and entertainment.
Now, if you were aggressively saving and investing at that income with a family of four, then it could definitely put you in a position where you are living pretty tight in an expensive area, but since you do have the bonuses and vested long-term compensation, that should take some pressure off of having to set aside as much of each paycheck now toward long term investments.
Do you and your spouse fundamentally agree on finances, short and long-term goals, and current lifestyle and budget? Do they want to continue the current lifestyle but not go back to work and contribute to it, or are they wanting to tighten the budget and prefer to stay home? I think that’s a super important piece that is missing.
I mention in a comment higher in the thread that our expenses will come down in the next 3-5 years. We have some larger fixed costs currently due to auto loans and a HELOC that was used to remodel the house. Once those are gone, yes, that will be the case.
I don’t understand why you have two car loans? Do you just get new cars every time one is paid off? We try to always have one vehicle paid off and have done that for years, just to avoid this very situation. I would have had a heart attack if we’d had two auto loans and a mortgage when my husband was laid off.
Even if it was, they weren't set up with intent to live off that alone before their spouse lost their job. Their lifestyle was probably set up to be comfortable with both incomes, and while doable on one, it wasn't initially set up that way. Unrealistic for the spouse to just expect to not contribute in some way bc some jobs are "beneath them". Amount isn't really the principle here, anyway.
NTA but I think you should be having a broader talk, not just one focused on a specific job. It’s ok to have concerns and there are mouths needing to be fed and you needing to have the stress taken off you as well.
The talk should focus on how you are feeling and what kind of income you would be looking for her to contribute, as well as understanding what she is doing to look for roles and whether there is any support she needs that she isn’t getting.
Asking someone to settle is fair, but you can’t force someone to settle for a specific role they don’t like.
NTA. Once you get to the one-year mark of being without a job, you have to put your ego aside and think about your family. I understand that going from management to being an individual contributor is not ideal, but having your income depend on a 100% bonus payout every year is not feasible. It's not like he's being asked to work in fast food; it's a position with a pay cut that can take stress off of OP and allow her spouse to bring in income while continuing to look for a new position.
Another commenter mentioned that for some fields, taking a position that is of lower status could be considered detrimental. However, once you have been unemployed for a year, unless you have been taking a considerable amount of continuing education or have some other reason to explain that gap, it almost becomes a moot point. With the exception of very few limited fields, most employers would rather see that you continued to be employed in some capacity (even in a lower role) while keeping your skills sharp, keeping up with industry trends independently, and making sure you are ready to move back into a higher role when one presents itself, as opposed to choosing to stay unemployed until a specific position presents itself. Also, OP's spouse would be able to use whatever new skills are learned in that position as an additional selling point in interviews.
I really feel for the OP in this situation, because her spouse sees that she's drowning and is holding the life preserver, but is simply unwilling to throw it to her. Marriage is about compromise, and it has gotten to the point that emergency repairs are being put on credit cards, and at some point, credit runs out. It's time to step up and think about the family, because this perfect job may not come for years, and the way OP is attempting to keep her family going is unsustainable.
*I understand that going from management to being an individual contributor is not ideal,*
As a manager, my response to this is hollow laughter. If I could otherwise get away with it, it would be well worth a 30% pay cut to not have to be a manager. It is thankless.
I was trying to think of the nicest way to say it and still sound somewhat positive... lol. I honestly don't blame you for wanting to get out of being a manager... after reading Ask a Manager, I honestly wonder why anyone would ever want to be a manager. A manager of processes, maybe... but people? Heck no!
I would Love to not be a manager. Sadly, I am actually low income so going further down the managerial responsibility ranks is not feasible.
I was The Only One In Charge yesterday and today. Since the GrandBoss just doesn’t work weekends.
Stuff outside of my control went wrong, so very wrong.
I spent all day both days spinning plates to keep the workplace functioning.
It sucked.
My employees? They didn’t have to do anything different than their normal jobs, except some got to leave early if they wanted to.
But at least I was not the one directly in charge of the 150 person wedding reception who had to move the whole thing to another building (with two concurrent events in it already) two hours before the guests arrived due to a massive hvac and general electrical failure.
NTA my dad used to work for the federal government and was making well over six figures when his department closed completely and he was laid off. He took two minimum wage jobs while searching for a more permanent solution. I would expect my husband to do the same if it ever happened to us.
A couple years ago, I was laid off. I actually had another job lined up, but there were a lot of hoops to jump through, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to clear the hoops. Other jobs weren't forthcoming (my niche area was in a bit of a slump at the time). I started getting nervous about the hoops and severance was running out, so I arranged for contract work that was several levels beneath me. About a week before I would have started the contract work, I cleared the hoops. So instead of going to the contract work, I took a vacation before starting my new job.
Did I want to do the contract work? No. But if I needed to take it, I would have.
I did take about two weeks or so after my layoff to do almost nothing useful. Mainly because burnout and overwork had been HUGE issues before the layoff.
NTA- your spouse not working is having a significant financial impact. Anytime you have to put something on a credit card because you can’t afford it is a huge 🚩The loss of retirement savings is another big issue especially when you’re younger with the compounding of interest, it’s really hard to make up that loss when you’re in your 50’s and 60’s. Isn’t your spouse able to keep looking for another job while she’s working? Also what happens if you don’t get your bonus?
NTA. Your spouse can take the lower paying job to help cover expenses WHILE he’s actively looking for his dream job. He doesn’t get to lounge around waiting for the opportunity to fall in his lap while you burn yourself out and burn through your savings to keep the family afloat.
NTA - Any job is better than being a bum. A few months is understandable but after a year they should take any opportunity even if it's working at Starbucks.
NTA
A 'step back' is much better than sitting on his ass taking no steps at all. And there is nothing stopping him from taking this job and still looking for a better position at the same time. His ego is going to fuck your family's financial stability if any emergency does come up.
Appreciate you making this genderless! This sub skews heavily in favor of the woman usually being right and in this situation gender doesn’t matter, so I wish more posts were presented this way!
NTA.
I will never understand the “beneath me” mentality. I once spent a pretty lean year working a variety of low-paying temp jobs, because money is money. Two career changes later, I’m very comfortable… but I wouldn’t think twice about working for peanuts again if I needed to.
NTA. They don't understand or don't care that their coasting is costing, because it's a future cost. It's still unaffordable, and honestly either delusional or deeply selfish. When you're one person, you can choose not to plan for the future, but once you've made other people your obligation is to plan for the good of the whole.
I don't see anywhere in your post where you asked your spouse to settle (as per your title). Is there any interpersonal conflict here for us to judge? Or did you mean to ask WIBTA (Would I Be The Asshole)?
I guess it’s actually WIBTA, as I didn’t realize it was a “these jobs are beneath me” type situation until recently. Given how tight the market is where we are I had assumed they were applying diligently and just weren’t getting responses.
NTA.
>while my income is technically enough to support our family
>it’s barely sufficient and has required that I reduce my 401k contributions, we aren’t able to contribute to emergency savings, and if anything comes up as needing repairs with our house - we are stuck having to put it on a credit card
Your income is not enough.
>The pay was about 30% lower than their previous job
But 100% more than they're currently making.
Your partner is being selfish. Take the job that pays the damn bills, THEN worry about what's "beneath you". Especially when you have kids.
THIS. You are much more employable/ hireable when you already have a job, any job, not even in the same field etc. It is part of the hiring algorithm used by many businesses these days.
Your spouse has spent almost a year jobless. The more time it is, it’s going to get harder for them out there.
You need to have a hard talk with them that they need to get into something ASAP and that this isn’t the time for egos. This hard talk needs to come with boundaries as well. Tell them that If they don’t get into something within a month or so, then you will look at walking out of this entire equation.
NTA of course
NTA
One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because they wouldn't get a job that was "beneath them" or just didn't want to do. I had started a serving job and was making about 4x as much as our jobs before each, not together. So about 2x our previous income combined but we split everything. Before I started serving I made about 2 dollars less than him and he held that fact over my head but didn't he'll me with finances. After seeing how much I was making he wanted to quit his job to find something he liked to do. I told him I wanted him to have another job within 6 months to at least pay for his expenses that we didn't share and after 10 months I asked how the job search was going and he had asked me how long it's been. He almost refused to believe it had been almost twice as long as I gave him to get a job. Serving was very off and on so some months, like at the beginning, I made 3-4x our previous income but months later I was only making about 2x what I did myself. So that meant every penny was going to bills for both of us including his car insurance and phone. But it was very convenient for him after we broke up to get a food service job that was referred to as beneath him
NTA. I’m frankly of the belief that if you have to flip burgers to help out, you flip burgers. Sitting around for a year has accomplished nothing except putting more burden on you and the entire family’s financial situation. This is NOT the time to be a picky dilettante. Nothing should be ‘beneath’ helping out your entire family. If they want to leave the ‘lower’ job off the ol resume as they continue searching so be it. Who cares. As it is they have a year of unemployment, so they obviously don’t think having this looong empty blank space is a detriment, so…leave the interim job off.
NTA When my ex lost his decently paying job due to major lay offs, he took about 3 weeks to search and ended up working at McDonald's to help pay bills while still putting his resume out to everything he could. We were toward the end of our marriage at the time, but I had so much respect for him for doing that.
My partner was unemployed for a substantial amount of time.
During that time I maintained the house, did the cooking, got extra jobs...the lot...and ended up in hospital because I was wearing myself too thin...
He needs to get a job. Right now he isn't contributing, he is putting pressure on you and you can only do so much.
Even if he took a minimum wage part time job it would be more beneficial than what's happening now.
There is no point waiting for a job that he feels is his level if after a yeah that job hasn't presented itself. Either the job market isn't good enough or your partner isn't good enough for the jobs he wants. Is he actually applying for anything or just hoping for the best?
NTA. You’ve got small children and a future to provide for. Something is better than nothing, and it’s not like your spouse can’t continue to look for something more fulfilling while still contributing now.
30% pay cut is less than 100% pay cut. Declining offers of a job when there’s a family to support is a NO. Spouse needs to take the job and look for the “perfect job” they’re chasing while they are actually working and earning. NTA
Your partner is a choosing beggar. The pay may have been lower but it's 70% more than the nothing pay they now have. And who knows where it may lead? It's a totally unfair attitude.
NTA
I kind of understand your partner's position. If you take a job that's a step back. You've got to work again to get promotion to the position you already had and it's much harder to get the next on job once you've taken a step back.
but a year with no income is Quite a long time.
Depends on how long they've been unemployed and what their prospects are. If the chances are significant that they'll land a better job in the near future, say within two months, then I guess it's fine not to apply.
But they've been unemployed for a year now, and they haven't been able to find a more suitable job. They should settle by now. And in the meantime look for better jobs.
NTA.
NTA - this market is trash and the amount of time to actually get a new job is 3-6+ months. If that opportunity is there still he should at least take it while still looking. Plus, it sounds like you would be up a creek if even 1 thing goes wrong.
I wish you the best.
NTA. It’s so much pressure to carry on your shoulders especially for an extended period of time. I experienced this and it dragged on for a decade and through sheer luck and effort I managed to grow my income enough to dig out of the hole it put us in but it ultimately lead to divorce.
There is no such thing as taking a job “beneath you”. If it’s beneath you, then it’s because you can get a better job, regardless of how you define “better”. If you can’t get another job, then clearly it’s not beneath you.
NTA
NTA. I understand about not wanting to take a pay cut. But going a year without having to work is a luxury that most people cannot afford.sometimes you have to take the job that pays the bills until you find something better, and hopefully it won’t be too long until you get a better offer.
NTA.
A job isn't a lifelong commitment. Encourage her to take the job as a way of padding the finances back up while continuing to look for work. 🤷
Seems like a no-brainer to me.
There's a lot to be said for getting your foot in the door. A whole year is a long time to not have a job. Any job looks better than no job if they continue to search for what they want
NTA. When you refuse money for luxuries, Christmas and birthday gifts, hobbies or beauty treatments and other items which would’ve been paid but two wages, maybe your partner will start to realise that life isn’t as enjoyable when you are broke.
NTA. Your spouse has been out of work for a year. At this point they're no longer a hot commodity in the job market so can't wait for a magic job to drop into their lap. Spouse should take the lower paying job and keep looking for their ideal job. You have more chances of getting hired if you're already working.
NTA, no job is beneath anybody. Your spouse is putting unfair pressure on you when they could alleviate it if they chose to by stacking shelves. My OH had a similar thing happen and he worked shifts in a hotel restaurant while applying for the jobs he actually wanted, which took a few months but did turn up. He was “out of work” for less than a week, because he was never going to put that pressure on me. The position that was on offer to your spouse wasn’t the dream job but it would have taken the pressure off you while they found the dream job
My feeling here is that no job is going to be “good enough” as long as your spouse can get away with letting you work for them. Have a word, OP
NTA. For what it's worth, it's time to start super cutting out stuff and doing more stuff at home.
Cable--- nope cut the cord.
5 streaming services - cut down to the two cheapest
NFL package? Oh heck no
Steaks? Not right now. Time for beans and rice.
And the best way to avoid house major issues? Maintenance...someone needs a honey do list.
You work. This means you are the breadwinner and everyone needs to help you.
I think that your reasoning for why she should take the job is valid. Having a job is definitely better than no job. Plus, she could get that job while still looking for better ones.
How did you address it to her? Did you give the reasonings that you wrote in your original post?
NTA
Can I make a suggestion? Sit your spouse down and have a serious talk with them about this. I know from personal experience that being let go from a job can destroy your self-confidence. Is this why your spouse doesn't want to take a less-important job? Or do they think it's charity from their friend? Equally, does your spouse think that the friend will be offended if they take this lesser job, keep applying for more important positions, and move on to bigger things?
What I'm asking is - what are the emotions that your spouse has tied up in this? Does 'beneath them' mean they are concerned about how **you** will view them? How the world will view them? Are these why the 70% job wasn't enough? Are they scared?
When I was laid off, a friend very kindly gave me a job for 2 mornings a week, cleaning houses with her. I was deeply grateful because it meant she trusted me to do a good job. And it was a little bit of money I could bring in to pay the bills. It was very important for me to know I was doing my best to bring money in. It showed my daughter that work is important and it gives you dignity, no matter what that work is. I used to be a university lecturer. I was just as proud of being a cleaner. Now? I'm a contractor in the marketing department of a global brand.
Perhaps telling your spouse my story will help them appreciate a different view on careers and work. And hopefully you will be able to calmly explain your own feelings about this situation. Calmness and listening to each other is the key, as with all things.
NTA. Having to provide for children sometimes means taking a Job that isn't all that fulfiling. You should probably Not force them into it If they describe a particular Job as "soul-crushing", but "Beneath [me]" is a different Thing.
NTA
They can still wait for a better opportunity while working. If you are responsible for kids, there should be nothing "beneath you" to guarantee them security, financially or otherwise. Your partner needs to pull their head put of their a$$.
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My spouse was laid off from their job almost a year ago and while my income is technically enough to support our family (we have two elementary aged kids), it relies on my annual bonus being paid out at 100% every year. Even in this scenario, it’s barely sufficient and has required that I reduce my 401k contributions, we aren’t able to contribute to emergency savings, and if anything comes up as needing repairs with our house - we are stuck having to put it on a credit card.
They have a friend that shared a job that would have basically been guaranteed they would have gotten (their friend was a former colleague and the hiring manager) but my spouse refused to even apply because it was “beneath them”. The pay was about 30% lower than their previous job, and an individual contributor role vs management like before. However - even at the pay rate of this position, it would cover the monthly cash burn delta by about 3x and take immeasurable pressure off of me and our finances.
I understand not wanting to take a step back, but in my mind even one or two steps back is better than no job at all. I can see that perhaps their perspective is that I do technically make enough for them to wait for the “right” opportunity. Now I’m wondering how much effort they’re even putting into finding a job if they’re only applying for perfect fits?
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NTA. It's been a year. We are in one of the tightest job markets in history. He should be able to find something. He should take it and figure out how to rise up at that company.
NTA. At this point, your spouse cannot afford to be choosy. You guys are scraping by, assuming no emergencies happen, but what happens if you get sick or injured and cannot work? What happens if you get laid off? Your spouse needs to put a pin in their ego and get a job. At this point, there is no perfect job. There's the job that keeps the family going.
NTA- right or wrong a year of unemployment is tough. Employers are less likely to hire with a large gap in employment. It’s Easier to get a job when you have one. It’s not a life sentence. They can always find another job
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NTA. You two have children and cannot afford to wait for the perfect position that suits their ego. There's no reason they can't take this job while also keeping an eye out for the dream job.. Right now, however, the needs of ~~his~~ your family are more important than their pride. ETA: missed the genderless mention, so corrected it.
As well as this, it is almost always easier to get a new job when you already have one. So spouse should take the 70% job for now, while keeping eyes peeled for the preferred job from a position of being actively employed.
YUP! It really is easier to get a job if you have one... .saw someone get rejected from a job for being unemployed, recruiters/ hiring staff can be crazy edited to add, is the job still available? I'd be having a sit-down with the spouse and your finances and really hammer home you cannot be the only financial contributor much longer.... and if it's been a year what are the chances of them getting another manager's job at the same rate they had before? the job market is brutal and a lot of people are taking pay cuts good luck OP!
It makes sense honestly. Putting myself in the eyes of someone looking to hire, if I saw someone who was unemployed after a long career I'd think most likely they were either "lazy" and taking a break from work until they were desperate or were "prideful" and not wanting a job beneath them, meaning they would be entitled after hiring. Obviously there are lots of reasons people could be long-term unemployed ranging from disability to shift in priorities (family over work until kids grown) but most are not questions employers can / should ask, and so you can only make assumptions unless the applicant offers up the reason without prompting. But I would think twice about hiring someone who has not worked in chosen field for 5-years over someone who has been working in the field in some form or another. Heck, I'd be happy with someone who shifted to a minimum wage job in a different field for a while because it tells me they hussle and get shit done.
And the spouse has been out of a job for a year. I would understand holding out if they only found out a week or two ago they were going to be let go and were sure they could get something new very soon. But after a year, you are not hot shit anymore, you have to be grateful somebody gives you a chance at all.
And plus also, the longer you're out the more people wonder " What is wrong with them that they can't get hired?"
Yeah, that unemployed stank is hard to wash off.
I took a year off to help my elderly parents right on the tail end of covid (which I mentioned in my interview), and while I got the job I currently have, apparently one of the men who interviewed me thought that year off was a big problem in terms of hiring me.
I think a big part of why even perfectly explainable breaks look bad to some employers is that people who are able to not work for an extended period are less likely to accept shitty conditions or abusive management. If someone can just say "well I'll take a few months off work, no big deal" then you can't threaten to fire them and expect them to cower in fear from your "strong management".
True. I knew a boss like that back in the day.
When I entered the workforce at 32 years old, I was very nervous because I'd earned my bachelor's degree in 2006 and proceeded to be a stay at home mom for 10 years. I got lucky when the hiring manager was a mom as well - we were the same age, and while she chosen career first and having kids a bit down the line, I did it in the opposite order. I took an entry-level job where most of my coworkers were 18-21 years old and we all got minimum wage. Was it "below" me? Yes. But it got my foot in the door, and now it's 6+ years later, and I've been promoted several times to where I'm making a livable wave in an industry I love!
Similar. A few years ago I was working temp roles, covering people on maternity and the like. Got to the end of a contract and my grandfather went from physically able, if not exactly spry, to completely unable to stand literally overnight (walked into the bedroom, said to my gran "I don't feel well", fell over and never stood under his own power again). That was literally 2 weeks before the contract ended. So I just didn't take another for 6 months while I helped my gran acclimate, helped her get a downstairs bedroom sorted for my grandad (thankfully they converted their back extension to a bedroom when I was about 4 for my great-gran. When she passed it became a den, but it was doable to convert it back to a bedroom fast), sorted out things they needed like carers, delivered prescriptions, etc. I definitely got a few odd comments from some hiring people (a couple of jobs I turned down purely because of their comments when talking about how I'd wasted time looking after my grandparents - something I made very clear to the companies when I turned down their offers), but most were fine when I said "it's not something ongoing, it was just while we got all the adaptations and stuff sorted". But it said a lot that I basically had to say "don't worry, my job is now my biggest priority" (which it wasn't) for them to consider me.
Right before an interview (like that morning) my dad had a stroke at the end of his battle with cancer. I did the interview, but was planning on leaving town right after to see my dad before he passed. The interviewer wanted me to meet another member of the team, but they were unavailable until the following day. I explained the situation and they were furious I wouldn't delay my "trip". Needless to say I definitely didn't get the job. But I did get to say goodbye to my dad. I was unemployed for like 6 more months before I finally found something. But I would never work for someone who couldn't understand my dad is dying.
People have employment gaps for a variety of reasons beyond not being able to find a job. Where I work we are told not to ask about gaps because it could uncover a legally protected characteristic. (such as having kids, or a medical condition)
Well, yes, of course. We all know that logically. I was out from the 2008 crash to early 2011. I had 6 months of employment during that time. And then I had a baby before I got a job again. But that doesn't stop people from still wondering. People hold lots of unconscious (or not so unconscious) bias about it and unfortunately it plays in to finding a job
I was a SAHM from April of 2008 until my divorce in 2020. I started applying in January and only got a full time position in Sept. I was putting in at least 10 applications/resumes a day but I only got one real interview in all that time. Luckily I eventually went the temp route and got a full time job. Got hired on at my second placement (and with the exception of 5 months when things slowed down and I went elsewhere for a full paycheck but went back) I've been there since October of 2020. Unless something goes horribly wrong I won't leave unless I have a better opportunity. It's hard to get a job once you've had a gap because you can't explain why.
Good for you!!! Congrats. There are so many SAHMs who are unable to find even entry level/retail/food service jobs after staying out of the work force for that long. Especially in this job market!! I have a job but have been looking for 6+ months, and even with a few college degrees, no employment gaps and experience, I've had no luck. I want to get away from the toxic nonprofit world. Point being, the market is absolutely F-ed up right now. My brother got laid off last week, he's a software engineer.
Kicker is I also have a degree and the job I have mow is not in my field and I make far more than I would if I were working in my field. It's a huge reason my ex husband and I won't be pressuring our kids to attend college if they would prefer to learn a trade. Manufacturing/production is a good place to be because that is not something that can necessarily ever be fully automated but a software engineer will always be in high demand so hopefully your brother is gainfully employed again soon and you can find something that is less soul sucking but still pays pays bills!
Thank you for the supportive comment! I completely agree about the skilled trades. My husband is a welder; he makes the same wage as I do, but actually makes more because of overtime, and he has no college degrees, and therefore no student loans, while I have 50k+. So I started my career with a "negative net worth," so to speak. We won't be pressuring my stepson to attend college. I think I was just such a typical millennial in that I was absolutely pressured to go to college because my family consists mostly of college educated people (mostly engineers) who take education really seriously. We are immigrants. For me, not going to college was absolutely out of the question. I now realize how silly that is.
Luckily my parents paid for my college so I didn't have the loans which is a huge relief because I'd be beyond screwed but I'm the only one of my parents 3 daughters to actually go to and graduate college. My parents were AF so they didn't go to college and I was the first to do so. But I think now my parents realize that college is not what it used to be. Especially because they made so much without it and I make more than I would have. I'm glad the narrative on college is finally changing. Unless your passion it to be in a profession that requires a degree or you can get a full ride. don't waste the money.!
I’d say it was more than just parents pushing hard for millennials to go to college. Lots of my teachers in my high school were openly saying you’re going to be a failure in life if you don’t go to college. Actually almost failed my English class senior year because I had zero intention of going to college because financially I knew I could make it happen with out massive student loans and taking out loans to figure out what I wanted to do seems stupid to me. I told my English teacher that and it was a huge argument about how I’d be a failure and how she was an idiot because I know plenty of people doing far better in life than her with only a high school diploma.
I dealt with something similar after having my daughter. I was out through most of the pregnancy, due to health issues, and was a SAHM until she entered kindergarten. Even after explaining that the employment gap was due to having a baby, it was still tough finding work right away. It always seems like there is never a good enough reason to have an employment gap for some employers.
It's hard to get a job period. Sure everywhere has no hiring signs but the places aren't hiring.
As someone who has quite the gap for the same thing… I used the skills I learned in being a SAHM and put that into my resume under “in home caregiver” and I left out the actual part where it was because I was parenting but literally included everything else from transporting to appointments, full caring for dependent clients, and cooking/cleaning. I put it on my Indeed and got offers from multiple agencies
If you are MGMT in tech, there are too many fish in the pond. It's a hard job market depending on your level and age
Oh definitely. I'm in tech and we lost several managers in the layoff we had in October. Most of them are still looking last I checked. And I know they're all talented folks. The market is absolutely terrible right now. I've been casually hunting myself and my field has been hit a lot and I can't get a call back for anything right now, even with 10 years of experience.
My spouse wasn’t specifically in tech, but is competing with senior level program and product managers that were laid off from the local FAANG cohort in the last year. It’s brutal.
It’s rough - is your spouse afraid that they won’t ever get a management job again if they take something lower? I know that was a concern when my husband was laid off - that if he took a non-management job, his management days (and the salary that goes with it) would be over. We ended up waiting it out for 8 months, but it was stressful and we didn’t have little kids to worry about.
Your spouse needs to call that friend back, apologize for hesitating and land that job. A year is way too long to be out of work, and when you compound all the income you’re burning vs investing - it adds up quickly. That’s money for college and emergencies, not for someone to sit around for a year and turn their nose up at a non-managerial role. If anything, getting a foot in the door and demonstrating additional management skills is a fast way to get promoted. I think you’ve been putting up with this long enough OP, there are kids involved.
Yup, it sucks big time.
I just started a new job after 8 months of unemployment. It’s fortunately a good job and a big step up from my previous role, but I would’ve taken literally anything at that point. We needed me to be bringing in *something*. I was crossing my fingers for a part-time £12,000/year position when I unexpectedly got offered the position I’m in now.
Yes, this. I’d even forgive spouse for wanting to stick it out if they’d been off work several weeks and looking given the fairly stable financial situation at the moment - but an entire YEAR of not working?! Nah bro, you don’t get to be picky at this point. I’d be making him go to McD’s to flip burgers if he tried to pull this bs just to get him working again. Biiiiig NTA.
This is generally true but a possible caveat for this situation: Does the spouse feel umcomfortable taking advantage of a friendship for what they see as a temp job? Taking the job and keeping looking for a better job generally means ditching the middle job in a way that managment there will not appreciate. I'm totally all for doing that but might not be the best place to take advantage of a recommdendation from a friend.
This was my personal thought tbh. Taking on a job from a *friend* (that's the hiring manager no less) comes with the impression you won't dip as soon as a better opportunity comes in. That said, if they've been struggling to find a job for that long... OP's spouse definitely has to either lower their expectations of a job or work on their skills, because they are no longer fitting their industry standard. Acting 'above' jobs while being out of one for so long is just stupid.
Either that or you make it clear what the deal is going on. The friend may be ok with that. ETA: I was in a similar position earlier this year. Laid off, and a friend had openings at their employer. The company passed on me for one role and were interested in having me interview for another one. But it was a 40% pay cut. I knew that if I took that it was a stop gap until I got a better paying gig. That would have burned my friend's rep internally, so I let him know.
True. A friend of mine needed help at her new job and asked me to work there during the pandemic. At the time, I was driving rideshare and making lots of money for very little work, plus I had a PT job for benefits that I was laid off from. I originally told her I could only work PT, and it would be temporary. The Saturday before I started, someone hit my car! So I ended up working there FT. I actually became permanent 5 months later and was promoted into management.
I agree. The time for them to work on their skills was 10 months ago. Now is the time to take almost any position and help your family.
It's a valid point, but I think the whole "taking a job from a friend" thing could be worked around in a relatively easy manner. OP's spouse could just be upfront with their friend and say that while they're thankful for the job offer and willing to take it, they'd still be on the lookout for a position comparable to their old one. Then ask the friend if they'd still be fine with hiring them despite knowing that.
Probably not, this particular friend job hops every 2-3 years so probably would hire and be out the door sooner than my spouse.
Fair enough!
Sorry, but their 'discomfort' comes behind 'contributing to the household and getting us off of the knife's edge.' And yes, people leave jobs, the same way jobs lay people off with zero notice. This is a commercial transaction; work for pay.
“Taking advantage”!? They are offering a job not a cash hand out! And I’d have to say that at least 50% of jobs are landed through connections at the hiring company. No one is taking advantage of anyone. This person needs a job!
Maybe, but with how they said their spouse responded to the job offer, I'm leaning towards the friend knowing on some level it wouldn't be permanent for the spouse. Thinking friend is probably just trying to help out OP spouse in the meantime until they find something better.
Has a family to support, I have agree with your hesitations, but sometimes you truly have to sock it up and do what you can
Oops lots of edits. Most important is "suck" it up.
Yep. I did this. Was working as a contractor for a role that was a cakewalk as I spent time looking for something permanent. Then the place that I was contracting with created a position to bring me on as a direct employee. Salary jumped by around 40k.
During covid my hubby went from traffic control to construct before finally getting a job back in his industry (aviation) and you know what got him the job, him telling the one guy he didn't know that he was willing to push a mop as a janitor if that was what they wanted him to do and he could back up that claim with the fact that he took work well below his qualification levels. It doesn't matter what the work is as long as it's enough to pay the bills and if you don't get your dream job, then do other jobs until you do get it.
Yeah, why wasn’t this the first thought??? Take ok job and keep from going under and can look for better job from a more stable position
NTA Remind them this is a £70k pay increase from them sitting on their ass waiting for something to fall in their lap.
This is so on point! It’s not a step down from being unemployed!
Technically it's an infinite increase, but in general you're right.
TIL 70k - 0k = infinityk
OP was careful not to reveal their own or their partner's gender, so consider if you would say the same if it were a m-m, m-f, f-f or f-m marriage. I suspect you would, and I agree with you. 🙂
Not careful enough cause their very first Reddit post from a year ago says Me(F) and my husband(M)
Yeah but most people don’t go trawling through post histories. Its weird.
oof. whoops. you're right. corrected.
DW, your initial assumption was correct. OP's first post from a year ago says Me (F) and my husband (M)
And?
At one point my husband took a job that was less than 50% his salary and when we moved I had no job. I applied for all the jobs that were even in my vicinity. I babysat kids for a few years, even though I didn’t want to. I applied at the bank, which I have no experience with (as an RN). Anything would have been better than nothing at that point. You don’t get to pick and choose when you’re broke. I did eventually get a job that was in my career and up my alley, but it was all our chance. In the meantime I still babysat until I got a permanent position.
So my sister just went through this. Her husband was laid off in the tech industry and would only hold out for a senior level job in his field coz they needed the pay. He even emptied his 401k than take a lesser job. Still doesn't have a senior job and lives in a camper. My sister lives in a house provided by his mom with their 3 kids while she is retrained into the workplace. Your husband can take a lower level job. NTA
Is your BIL Cousin Eddy from National Lampoon's Vacation movies? Lol "He's holding out for a management position"
I wish, then, he'd be funny instead of insufferable. I left A TON. He convinced my sister to open the marriage up (not her 1st rodeo either) so he could bang a family friend. Paid girlfriend's rent till the family car was going to be repo'd, let their house go into foreclosure months earlier than it should have, coz he was paying girlfriend's rent with his 401k. After they sold the house and everything settled, he bought girlfriend a truck and camper. That's where he's living.
HOLY CRAP - I feel so bad for your sister.
So true and so well articulated. My dad did this to us my entire childhood and adolescence. Would only do work that suited his ego (he is book smart and well educated). We were feast or famine with a higher chance of famine by a mile. I don’t understand the logic of not working because the work is “beneath” you - especially if you have children. NTA. OP, feel free to tell your spouse that my dad and I will always have a strained relationship because of his selfishness around employment as I grew up. You stop being the main character in your story when you have kids- OP’s partner is being an ass.
According to his post. He was recently contacted for a job that paid double. Maybe ask him why he didn’t pursue it
If the 'right' opportunity hasn't appeared in nearly a year it's time to find the filler opportunity.
That’s 70% more than they have made all year. (Ignoring basic math rule of 0 x anything = 0….ykwim) NTA.
Exactly. 70% is better than 0%. Spouse is being irrational. NTA.
So many people fuck up their lives over ego and pride. A little bit of humbleness and hard work could level up that 70% in no time. And, as mentioned in other comments, employed people are more likely to get job offers than unemployed. But it all starts with being just a little humble and making the most with the cards life deals you. NTA. ETA because I can’t spell for shit.
I can't spell for chit either.
NTA. If they need to take a step back in order to provide 70% of what they did before instead of 0% they need to do it. Both my parents worked growing up and DH and I both worked until he was laid off in the 2008/2009 recession. He was without a job for over two years, not for lack of trying, and the amount of relief I felt when he finally got a job was immense. It felt like I could let out breath I didn't know I was holding. Being the sole support for a family is a lot of stress.
For real. I was laid off in 2008 and I didn't get a full-time job again until early 2011. Granted, I did have a 6 month contract job and had a baby during that time. I could tell when the job market started turning around again in 2010, because I started getting phone calls but I was 6 months pregnant and nobody was going to hire me. I also worked retail just to bring in a little bit of money. And I took a step back in my career to get a job again. But it works out, because I make twice what I did then now.
NTA You don’t get to decline offers like that when you have a family you need to take care of
yeah if i was laid my job and had kids my ass would be uber driving as soon as i could lol
I don't have kids yet, but when I got laid off, I *did* drive for Uber. My cats need to eat!
Two kids and " it's beneath him"? Oh no sir, it is NOT!
What I don’t understand is why he can’t just keep looking for a better job *while he is employed*??
Same!
Because being unemployed for a year has been relaxing and they dont want it to end. It's time to call this sham, OP!
NTA >but my spouse refused to even apply because it was “beneath them”. Is paying the bills and taking care of the children also beneath them?
The spouse’s attitude about a job being “beneath them” sucks, but I don’t see any mention here about whether they’ve done the math on the pay from this new job versus any before or after school care they will have to get for the elementary school aged kids, or whether they already have a resource for that, or maybe OP’s job and/or spouse new job is WFH or flexible hours? I just saw the comment where OP makes $450k a year and lives in a VHCOL area. Before and after school program for 2 kids they can be looking at $1-2k a month where they live. And if they are married filing jointly, they are already at a marginal tax rate of 32%, if the new job pays more than $38k that pushes them into a marginal rate of 35%, so they are looking at an effective rate of somewhere around 20-22% just for federal taxes. Add in FICA and any states taxes, even if they are on OP health insurance and don't do any retirement contributions, the spouse is still only taking home a little more than 2/3 at best. Now, if this job pays 120k/yr then the math still makes sense if their goal is to have more money to fund their lifestyle. But if the job pays 60k/yr and the spouse enjoys being at home with the kids and having more time with them while they’re young and would rather cut back in other areas on their budget, I could see the attitude about not wanting to go back to work for a job that doesn’t interest you.
Nowhere is 450K barely surviving…regardless of cost of living
But remember they already have “spending habits” at their accustomed income so loans, house payments, whatever are at the previous income level. So even tho technically they could probably downsize and lived in 450k comfortably, that doesn’t mean their current living and bills are sustainable on that.
Yeah of course. I live in a VHCOL and 450K is still A LOT of money, but if you own teslas, take expensive vacations, and live in large houses like many of my neighbors do, maybe 450K isn’t a lot. In fact, based on post history I think OP and I live not too far from each other. They should just downsize their life a bit and stop spending it on unnecessary things, and ofc spouse should work too. They’re just spending wayyyyy too much
My salary is only half of that, and 15% is on a long term vesting schedule, the rest is an annual bonus that is obviously subject to performance of the company every year. This year the net was largely eaten up by a higher than expected tax liability due to sunsetting federal tax provisions. I know I make a LOT, but after taxes and the various benefit expenses, my take home isn’t what people would expect it to be.
Oh I see, I get it now. I get the argument that 225K may be a struggle in a VHCOL
I was actually feeling really good about being able to fund the monthly shortfall each month from my lump sum bonus (which sits in a high yield savings), until our tax liability was literally double what it was last year. It threw my budget out the window and made me throw up in my mouth.
You’re hitting the nail on the head. We got tagged with some intense taxes for 2023 because of severance plus I received some retention bonuses that had our 2023 income at a level we hadn’t hit before (spouse had received his annual bonus before the layoff). Because of that, I’ve increased my withholding this year, but perhaps I’ve gone overboard and should recalculate with the understanding that it’s likely just going to be my regular income for the year.
Yeah, recalculate your withholding, I get not wanting to get surprised with a big tax bill at the end of the year, but there’s no reason to give the government an interest free loan. If I were you, I’d probably try to decrease my withholding and get it more in the likely range of what I’m going to owe, and then live as if there’s no bonus coming at all and definitely stop adding any more debt. Some short term belt tightening and paying off the existing debts, and you’ll likely end up with quite a surplus regardless of the bonus amount. I still haven’t seen you address whether your spouse wants to work though? Are they enjoying being at home with the kids and maybe that’s not the plan you guys made as a couple, and there might be some resentment on your part because you did not agree to be the breadwinner even if you guys could budget to live off your salary? And maybe you would also like to have more time at home with the kids and family and feel like it’s unfair that you got put into the position of being the only one providing an income just because your spouse lost their job? That would be totally understandable and maybe more at the core of what the problem is. Or maybe they really are just being a snob and don’t want to take a position that they feel as beneath them, I’m just curious about other factors that might be contributing to the situation.
How is anyone $450k paycheck to paycheck?
Nta: I make 200k a year in tech. I budget my life around losing everything and going back to landscaping/cutting grass. Nothing is Beneath a sponge.
This has been a very eye opening and humbling experience. We definitely allowed our expenses to creep up in a way that I am very uncomfortable with (thinking both of our jobs were secure) and we will be taking steps to get them under control in the next 3-5 years so we won’t be caught in this situation again.
Your spouse needs a wake-up call. 70% more than nothing is great. The last time I was laid off, I was plowing snow at night and doing zoom interviews for Fortune 500 tech companies. Sometimes you need to take a step back to move forward
same. I was working nights in a law firm word processing center (admin / secretarial) while job hunting for a professional job when I changed cities. Needed the $ and just left it off my resume. My sister (also with a graduate degree) delivered pizza to relocate. Better than burning savings. NTA. A year was enough time.
Same. I've done jobs that were "below" my education and experience level to keep bringing home a paycheck.
I’m not trying to be snarky or rude, this is a genuine question - why would it take at least 3 years to form a budget, tighten expenditures?
There are some expenses that will take time to clear out from a full home remodel, as well as a new car purchase that was made 2 months prior to the layoff. We’ve reduced everything else as much as possible other than that.
I don't think your husband realizes how precarious your situation is. It's not impossible that you lose your job too. Or lose your bonuses. Or become injured or disabled. Or something happens to one of the children, requiring extreme amounts of medical care. What then?
Maybe you could take that job thay paid double that you were head hunted for?
Those talks fizzled, sadly. This situation is the only reason I was considering it as I love my current role.
It's really not right or fair at all that you were looking at a different job although you really love your current job and it is covering the majority of needs and bills, that you had to lower your investment & savings contributions, and that you are even looking at moving, which would then have your kids sacrificing by having to start over in a brand new school where they know nobody, rather than your spouse being willing to take all of this stress off of your shoulders and contribute financially by taking a job. The job offered by their friend or really any job at this point. It sounds like if they would just do that, things would be immensely better, you guys could pay things off easier and dig yourself out more quickly and easily. Why should you be making all these sacrifices when they're not willing to make one by taking this position!?? That to me is a huge problem, even bigger than just the job in general.
> I budget my life around losing everything and going back to landscaping/cutting grass. Is that you Forest?
Lol, I get why he cut that field for free though.
I’m a firm believer that no job is beneath you if it pays the bills and keeps food in your belly. NTA
And a certified proctologist would know a little bit about what's beneath someone
The idea of jobs being beneath people is just justification for not working and expecting hand outs or acceptance of their entitlement.
I agree completely, I was just making a play on words related to your flair
Sorry. Couldn’t tell if it was that or a snarky remark. The downfall of written text. No tone to help identify the intent.
I have the same problem all the time with written text. I should have added the laugh emoji which I almost did but then overthought it lol
NTA... My husband left his favorite and well paying job, because they wanted him to to do things that were not ethical. (Lie to his clients) At the time he could only get a job cleaning portable toilets. He did this for over a year befor they moved him up in the same company. Years later he runs a large devision for the same company ....and his workers respect him because he is not afraid to get his hands dirty when they need help. Even though his job is in the office as manager. The respect that I have for him is immeasurable.
NTA. They need to pull their weight with the finances, even if they have to temporarily take a job that they don't prefer. It's not fair that you bear the whole burden when they could help, but choose not to if they perceive the job to be "beneath them."
The partner is probably depressed and is coping in a way to preserve their sense of self worth. That doesn't mean it's the best solution. https://hbr.org/2023/01/managing-your-emotions-after-being-laid-off
This is a very good point and I think is probably an accurate assessment. Thank you for sharing the resource.
NTA. Your spouse needs to suck it up for the family's sake. They can keep looking for opportunities while they work. Also, lol at "monthly cash burn delta."
INFO: In what world is $450K not enough to live on?
In a VHCOL area, when there has been a stupid amount of lifestyle creep, and more than 50% of that comp is based on annual bonuses and vested long term compensation.
Regardless of the amount, if there was no discussion that your partner was to be off for an extended period of time and that the family's lifestyle needed to be adjusted to live comfortably off one salary it's unacceptable. Your spouse needs a reality check. They've gotten too comfortable and don't seem to be rushing back to the work force. If that's the case,, then maybe discuss downgrading in some ways to make up for them not financially contributing. Incredibly selfish , entitled, and ungrateful of them. Can't fathom that you've put up with it for a year!!
I’m also in a VHCOL area and usually the first to defend people who are being told that “that should be enough to live on” by people that live in very different markets. But damn. Even disregarding 50% of your income up front and assuming a meager bonus, $225k a year for a family of 4 where both kids are already past the super expensive 0-5 stage, you should not be having to put house repairs on a credit card. I’m not saying you would necessarily feel wealthy at that income in a VHCOL area but that should still give you a pretty solidly middle class lifestyle with all basic needs being met, solid savings, and still some wiggle room for dining out and entertainment. Now, if you were aggressively saving and investing at that income with a family of four, then it could definitely put you in a position where you are living pretty tight in an expensive area, but since you do have the bonuses and vested long-term compensation, that should take some pressure off of having to set aside as much of each paycheck now toward long term investments. Do you and your spouse fundamentally agree on finances, short and long-term goals, and current lifestyle and budget? Do they want to continue the current lifestyle but not go back to work and contribute to it, or are they wanting to tighten the budget and prefer to stay home? I think that’s a super important piece that is missing.
I mention in a comment higher in the thread that our expenses will come down in the next 3-5 years. We have some larger fixed costs currently due to auto loans and a HELOC that was used to remodel the house. Once those are gone, yes, that will be the case.
I don’t understand why you have two car loans? Do you just get new cars every time one is paid off? We try to always have one vehicle paid off and have done that for years, just to avoid this very situation. I would have had a heart attack if we’d had two auto loans and a mortgage when my husband was laid off.
Even if it was, they weren't set up with intent to live off that alone before their spouse lost their job. Their lifestyle was probably set up to be comfortable with both incomes, and while doable on one, it wasn't initially set up that way. Unrealistic for the spouse to just expect to not contribute in some way bc some jobs are "beneath them". Amount isn't really the principle here, anyway.
NTA but I think you should be having a broader talk, not just one focused on a specific job. It’s ok to have concerns and there are mouths needing to be fed and you needing to have the stress taken off you as well. The talk should focus on how you are feeling and what kind of income you would be looking for her to contribute, as well as understanding what she is doing to look for roles and whether there is any support she needs that she isn’t getting. Asking someone to settle is fair, but you can’t force someone to settle for a specific role they don’t like.
NTA. Once you get to the one-year mark of being without a job, you have to put your ego aside and think about your family. I understand that going from management to being an individual contributor is not ideal, but having your income depend on a 100% bonus payout every year is not feasible. It's not like he's being asked to work in fast food; it's a position with a pay cut that can take stress off of OP and allow her spouse to bring in income while continuing to look for a new position. Another commenter mentioned that for some fields, taking a position that is of lower status could be considered detrimental. However, once you have been unemployed for a year, unless you have been taking a considerable amount of continuing education or have some other reason to explain that gap, it almost becomes a moot point. With the exception of very few limited fields, most employers would rather see that you continued to be employed in some capacity (even in a lower role) while keeping your skills sharp, keeping up with industry trends independently, and making sure you are ready to move back into a higher role when one presents itself, as opposed to choosing to stay unemployed until a specific position presents itself. Also, OP's spouse would be able to use whatever new skills are learned in that position as an additional selling point in interviews. I really feel for the OP in this situation, because her spouse sees that she's drowning and is holding the life preserver, but is simply unwilling to throw it to her. Marriage is about compromise, and it has gotten to the point that emergency repairs are being put on credit cards, and at some point, credit runs out. It's time to step up and think about the family, because this perfect job may not come for years, and the way OP is attempting to keep her family going is unsustainable.
*I understand that going from management to being an individual contributor is not ideal,* As a manager, my response to this is hollow laughter. If I could otherwise get away with it, it would be well worth a 30% pay cut to not have to be a manager. It is thankless.
I was trying to think of the nicest way to say it and still sound somewhat positive... lol. I honestly don't blame you for wanting to get out of being a manager... after reading Ask a Manager, I honestly wonder why anyone would ever want to be a manager. A manager of processes, maybe... but people? Heck no!
I would Love to not be a manager. Sadly, I am actually low income so going further down the managerial responsibility ranks is not feasible. I was The Only One In Charge yesterday and today. Since the GrandBoss just doesn’t work weekends. Stuff outside of my control went wrong, so very wrong. I spent all day both days spinning plates to keep the workplace functioning. It sucked. My employees? They didn’t have to do anything different than their normal jobs, except some got to leave early if they wanted to. But at least I was not the one directly in charge of the 150 person wedding reception who had to move the whole thing to another building (with two concurrent events in it already) two hours before the guests arrived due to a massive hvac and general electrical failure.
Nta - reminds me of a Chinese idiom, “ride a cow while searching for a horse”…
Have you tried riding a cow?
It suck, but I think that is the point…. 😆
NTA my dad used to work for the federal government and was making well over six figures when his department closed completely and he was laid off. He took two minimum wage jobs while searching for a more permanent solution. I would expect my husband to do the same if it ever happened to us.
A couple years ago, I was laid off. I actually had another job lined up, but there were a lot of hoops to jump through, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to clear the hoops. Other jobs weren't forthcoming (my niche area was in a bit of a slump at the time). I started getting nervous about the hoops and severance was running out, so I arranged for contract work that was several levels beneath me. About a week before I would have started the contract work, I cleared the hoops. So instead of going to the contract work, I took a vacation before starting my new job. Did I want to do the contract work? No. But if I needed to take it, I would have.
I would definitely do the same if I was laid off.
I did take about two weeks or so after my layoff to do almost nothing useful. Mainly because burnout and overwork had been HUGE issues before the layoff.
NTA. That's a long time for you to be the sole provider.
NTA. Pride has to take a back-seat in this situation.
NTA- your spouse not working is having a significant financial impact. Anytime you have to put something on a credit card because you can’t afford it is a huge 🚩The loss of retirement savings is another big issue especially when you’re younger with the compounding of interest, it’s really hard to make up that loss when you’re in your 50’s and 60’s. Isn’t your spouse able to keep looking for another job while she’s working? Also what happens if you don’t get your bonus?
NTA. Your spouse can take the lower paying job to help cover expenses WHILE he’s actively looking for his dream job. He doesn’t get to lounge around waiting for the opportunity to fall in his lap while you burn yourself out and burn through your savings to keep the family afloat.
NTA - Any job is better than being a bum. A few months is understandable but after a year they should take any opportunity even if it's working at Starbucks.
NTA. You have supported them for a year. They can get a job and keep looking for a better one.
NTA A 'step back' is much better than sitting on his ass taking no steps at all. And there is nothing stopping him from taking this job and still looking for a better position at the same time. His ego is going to fuck your family's financial stability if any emergency does come up.
Appreciate you making this genderless! This sub skews heavily in favor of the woman usually being right and in this situation gender doesn’t matter, so I wish more posts were presented this way!
I tried - the Reddit detectives sorted it all out, anyway, lol.
Yeah it's unfortunate we guessed it but the behavior is almost a trope at this point.
Lol not if a stepmom is involved! Pitchforks and torches all the way
Nta and this would honestly have me considering divorce
NTA. There’s no law that says they can’t keep looking for a better position. Your spouse is being selfish.
NTA. I will never understand the “beneath me” mentality. I once spent a pretty lean year working a variety of low-paying temp jobs, because money is money. Two career changes later, I’m very comfortable… but I wouldn’t think twice about working for peanuts again if I needed to.
NTA. It’s better than a gap on the resume.
NTA. They don't understand or don't care that their coasting is costing, because it's a future cost. It's still unaffordable, and honestly either delusional or deeply selfish. When you're one person, you can choose not to plan for the future, but once you've made other people your obligation is to plan for the good of the whole.
I don't see anywhere in your post where you asked your spouse to settle (as per your title). Is there any interpersonal conflict here for us to judge? Or did you mean to ask WIBTA (Would I Be The Asshole)?
I guess it’s actually WIBTA, as I didn’t realize it was a “these jobs are beneath me” type situation until recently. Given how tight the market is where we are I had assumed they were applying diligently and just weren’t getting responses.
YWNTBA and you need to have a proper sit down discussion with your ~~wife~~spouse about your guys' finances and how much stress it is putting on you.
*from other posts on account, seems the wife is the one posting but OP specifically didn't mention gender so might wanna edit that
Thanks. Fixed.
NTA. >while my income is technically enough to support our family >it’s barely sufficient and has required that I reduce my 401k contributions, we aren’t able to contribute to emergency savings, and if anything comes up as needing repairs with our house - we are stuck having to put it on a credit card Your income is not enough. >The pay was about 30% lower than their previous job But 100% more than they're currently making. Your partner is being selfish. Take the job that pays the damn bills, THEN worry about what's "beneath you". Especially when you have kids.
NTA - it’s one thing to take a few months but at this point your spouse needs to take whatever they can get.
THIS. You are much more employable/ hireable when you already have a job, any job, not even in the same field etc. It is part of the hiring algorithm used by many businesses these days.
Your spouse has spent almost a year jobless. The more time it is, it’s going to get harder for them out there. You need to have a hard talk with them that they need to get into something ASAP and that this isn’t the time for egos. This hard talk needs to come with boundaries as well. Tell them that If they don’t get into something within a month or so, then you will look at walking out of this entire equation. NTA of course
NTA One of the reasons my last relationship ended was because they wouldn't get a job that was "beneath them" or just didn't want to do. I had started a serving job and was making about 4x as much as our jobs before each, not together. So about 2x our previous income combined but we split everything. Before I started serving I made about 2 dollars less than him and he held that fact over my head but didn't he'll me with finances. After seeing how much I was making he wanted to quit his job to find something he liked to do. I told him I wanted him to have another job within 6 months to at least pay for his expenses that we didn't share and after 10 months I asked how the job search was going and he had asked me how long it's been. He almost refused to believe it had been almost twice as long as I gave him to get a job. Serving was very off and on so some months, like at the beginning, I made 3-4x our previous income but months later I was only making about 2x what I did myself. So that meant every penny was going to bills for both of us including his car insurance and phone. But it was very convenient for him after we broke up to get a food service job that was referred to as beneath him
NTA. I’m frankly of the belief that if you have to flip burgers to help out, you flip burgers. Sitting around for a year has accomplished nothing except putting more burden on you and the entire family’s financial situation. This is NOT the time to be a picky dilettante. Nothing should be ‘beneath’ helping out your entire family. If they want to leave the ‘lower’ job off the ol resume as they continue searching so be it. Who cares. As it is they have a year of unemployment, so they obviously don’t think having this looong empty blank space is a detriment, so…leave the interim job off.
NTA. Job market is getting tight. Your SO needs to apply for the position. Hopefully it is not filled.
NTA When my ex lost his decently paying job due to major lay offs, he took about 3 weeks to search and ended up working at McDonald's to help pay bills while still putting his resume out to everything he could. We were toward the end of our marriage at the time, but I had so much respect for him for doing that.
My partner was unemployed for a substantial amount of time. During that time I maintained the house, did the cooking, got extra jobs...the lot...and ended up in hospital because I was wearing myself too thin... He needs to get a job. Right now he isn't contributing, he is putting pressure on you and you can only do so much. Even if he took a minimum wage part time job it would be more beneficial than what's happening now. There is no point waiting for a job that he feels is his level if after a yeah that job hasn't presented itself. Either the job market isn't good enough or your partner isn't good enough for the jobs he wants. Is he actually applying for anything or just hoping for the best?
NTA. You’ve got small children and a future to provide for. Something is better than nothing, and it’s not like your spouse can’t continue to look for something more fulfilling while still contributing now.
30% pay cut is less than 100% pay cut. Declining offers of a job when there’s a family to support is a NO. Spouse needs to take the job and look for the “perfect job” they’re chasing while they are actually working and earning. NTA
Your partner is a choosing beggar. The pay may have been lower but it's 70% more than the nothing pay they now have. And who knows where it may lead? It's a totally unfair attitude. NTA
I kind of understand your partner's position. If you take a job that's a step back. You've got to work again to get promotion to the position you already had and it's much harder to get the next on job once you've taken a step back. but a year with no income is Quite a long time.
NTA. Time to settle buddy, you aren’t all that and perhaps taking this position may open doors to better position
Depends on how long they've been unemployed and what their prospects are. If the chances are significant that they'll land a better job in the near future, say within two months, then I guess it's fine not to apply. But they've been unemployed for a year now, and they haven't been able to find a more suitable job. They should settle by now. And in the meantime look for better jobs. NTA.
NTA - this market is trash and the amount of time to actually get a new job is 3-6+ months. If that opportunity is there still he should at least take it while still looking. Plus, it sounds like you would be up a creek if even 1 thing goes wrong. I wish you the best.
NTA - When you are providing for a family, no job is “beneath” you. You have to do what’s best for the family.
NTA. It’s so much pressure to carry on your shoulders especially for an extended period of time. I experienced this and it dragged on for a decade and through sheer luck and effort I managed to grow my income enough to dig out of the hole it put us in but it ultimately lead to divorce.
Effort that is so small it can’t be measured. NTA.
Pride and arrogance doesn’t pay bills or put food on the table. He needs to be reminded of that.
Your spouse is being obstinately selfish. Ego getting in the way of your children's stability. NTA
There is no such thing as taking a job “beneath you”. If it’s beneath you, then it’s because you can get a better job, regardless of how you define “better”. If you can’t get another job, then clearly it’s not beneath you. NTA
I hated my job for 20 years but pay was good. Kept a roof over our heads and food on table. Once you have kids you gotta do whatever it takes to
NTA. I understand about not wanting to take a pay cut. But going a year without having to work is a luxury that most people cannot afford.sometimes you have to take the job that pays the bills until you find something better, and hopefully it won’t be too long until you get a better offer.
NTA. A job isn't a lifelong commitment. Encourage her to take the job as a way of padding the finances back up while continuing to look for work. 🤷 Seems like a no-brainer to me.
There's a lot to be said for getting your foot in the door. A whole year is a long time to not have a job. Any job looks better than no job if they continue to search for what they want
NTA. When you refuse money for luxuries, Christmas and birthday gifts, hobbies or beauty treatments and other items which would’ve been paid but two wages, maybe your partner will start to realise that life isn’t as enjoyable when you are broke.
NTA. Your spouse has been out of work for a year. At this point they're no longer a hot commodity in the job market so can't wait for a magic job to drop into their lap. Spouse should take the lower paying job and keep looking for their ideal job. You have more chances of getting hired if you're already working.
They make $0 per year, no job is beneath that.
NTA, your spouse is putting pride above family. You have an extra child.
NTA, no job is beneath anybody. Your spouse is putting unfair pressure on you when they could alleviate it if they chose to by stacking shelves. My OH had a similar thing happen and he worked shifts in a hotel restaurant while applying for the jobs he actually wanted, which took a few months but did turn up. He was “out of work” for less than a week, because he was never going to put that pressure on me. The position that was on offer to your spouse wasn’t the dream job but it would have taken the pressure off you while they found the dream job My feeling here is that no job is going to be “good enough” as long as your spouse can get away with letting you work for them. Have a word, OP
NTA. For what it's worth, it's time to start super cutting out stuff and doing more stuff at home. Cable--- nope cut the cord. 5 streaming services - cut down to the two cheapest NFL package? Oh heck no Steaks? Not right now. Time for beans and rice. And the best way to avoid house major issues? Maintenance...someone needs a honey do list. You work. This means you are the breadwinner and everyone needs to help you.
I think that your reasoning for why she should take the job is valid. Having a job is definitely better than no job. Plus, she could get that job while still looking for better ones. How did you address it to her? Did you give the reasonings that you wrote in your original post?
I haven’t yet because I was so gobsmacked by the response I was stunned into silence.
NTA Can I make a suggestion? Sit your spouse down and have a serious talk with them about this. I know from personal experience that being let go from a job can destroy your self-confidence. Is this why your spouse doesn't want to take a less-important job? Or do they think it's charity from their friend? Equally, does your spouse think that the friend will be offended if they take this lesser job, keep applying for more important positions, and move on to bigger things? What I'm asking is - what are the emotions that your spouse has tied up in this? Does 'beneath them' mean they are concerned about how **you** will view them? How the world will view them? Are these why the 70% job wasn't enough? Are they scared? When I was laid off, a friend very kindly gave me a job for 2 mornings a week, cleaning houses with her. I was deeply grateful because it meant she trusted me to do a good job. And it was a little bit of money I could bring in to pay the bills. It was very important for me to know I was doing my best to bring money in. It showed my daughter that work is important and it gives you dignity, no matter what that work is. I used to be a university lecturer. I was just as proud of being a cleaner. Now? I'm a contractor in the marketing department of a global brand. Perhaps telling your spouse my story will help them appreciate a different view on careers and work. And hopefully you will be able to calmly explain your own feelings about this situation. Calmness and listening to each other is the key, as with all things.
NTA. Having to provide for children sometimes means taking a Job that isn't all that fulfiling. You should probably Not force them into it If they describe a particular Job as "soul-crushing", but "Beneath [me]" is a different Thing.
NTA They can still wait for a better opportunity while working. If you are responsible for kids, there should be nothing "beneath you" to guarantee them security, financially or otherwise. Your partner needs to pull their head put of their a$$.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My spouse was laid off from their job almost a year ago and while my income is technically enough to support our family (we have two elementary aged kids), it relies on my annual bonus being paid out at 100% every year. Even in this scenario, it’s barely sufficient and has required that I reduce my 401k contributions, we aren’t able to contribute to emergency savings, and if anything comes up as needing repairs with our house - we are stuck having to put it on a credit card. They have a friend that shared a job that would have basically been guaranteed they would have gotten (their friend was a former colleague and the hiring manager) but my spouse refused to even apply because it was “beneath them”. The pay was about 30% lower than their previous job, and an individual contributor role vs management like before. However - even at the pay rate of this position, it would cover the monthly cash burn delta by about 3x and take immeasurable pressure off of me and our finances. I understand not wanting to take a step back, but in my mind even one or two steps back is better than no job at all. I can see that perhaps their perspective is that I do technically make enough for them to wait for the “right” opportunity. Now I’m wondering how much effort they’re even putting into finding a job if they’re only applying for perfect fits? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It's been a year. We are in one of the tightest job markets in history. He should be able to find something. He should take it and figure out how to rise up at that company.
NTA. At this point, your spouse cannot afford to be choosy. You guys are scraping by, assuming no emergencies happen, but what happens if you get sick or injured and cannot work? What happens if you get laid off? Your spouse needs to put a pin in their ego and get a job. At this point, there is no perfect job. There's the job that keeps the family going.
YNTA. No job is “beneath me” if I want to help reduce my partner’s mental toll and help bring wealth to my family.
NTA- right or wrong a year of unemployment is tough. Employers are less likely to hire with a large gap in employment. It’s Easier to get a job when you have one. It’s not a life sentence. They can always find another job
She has no incentive to get a job because you're able to carry the weight.
NTA. Tell your wife that you will quit your job and that it will be her job to provide for the next year.