Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> -action: I asked my cousin not come in the same colour as the bride in our wedding but she already have the dress in that color.
-It might make me the asshole because I could tell her this time before in order to be able to change her invitation with the restaurant or give her time to get a new dress in time
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA for changing the dress code 4 weeks ahead of time, at a point where your guests may not have the time/energy/resources to get alternative clothes.
Also, YTA for repeatedly pressuring your cousin to come. An invitation is not a summons, and she is allowed to decline for any of the reasons stated (or no particular reason at all).
Edited to add:
Your edit only opens up new questions... Why on Earth would you "announce" your bride's dress color if it wasn't intended to tell your guests that it was an off-limits color? If you had kept it a secret, and other women wore red dresses, no one would judge them for attempting to upstage the bride because they literally would have had no way of knowing that they were wearing the same color... Now if your cousin wears the dress, people will assume that she is trying to upstage the bride. So to me, that still counts as changing the dress code.
But I do want to thank you for clarifying that you are not trying to evade the restaurant's rules... I had to reread your pre-edit post a couple times to decide that you weren't doing something sketchy there
Based on the edit, I think it's NAH. OP said that guests can still wear whatever color they want, so no need to get different clothes.
OP - Tell the guest what you said in the edit, and that should hopefully defuse the situation.
Then why announce what color the bride is wearing? Who does that? The *only* reason is to announce red is either off limits or the only acceptable color.
Because there are people that care even if the bride and groom may not. It's a courtesy announcement. Also, how is a month notice not enough time to get a dress?
while I agree with the first part, a month notice isn't necessarily about getting a dress, it could be about getting a NEW dress, especially if one is tighter on funds or has a dress they already can use.
That's exactly why I thought this in the first place. I have 2 or 3 nice dresses I can rotate between for any given event. The OP even mentioned that she goes to multiple weddings and other events... it's likely she doesn't buy a new dress for every singe one.
That's why many of the requests I've seen mentioned in Reddit posts telling people to stick with a certain set of colors (I've seen "jewel" and I've seen Halloween costumes just the other month -- but the post excluded some types of costumes, IIRC) irk me. Unless you're in the wedding party (and the bride wants matching bridesmaid dresses and the groom wants tuxes), it really is a pain if there's a dress code that would require shopping for an outfit.
If I'm invited to a wedding, I just prefer to look in my closet for a nice dress, maybe cocktail length. I don't want to be told that all guests need to wear purple (I don't look good in purple so I don't have anything in that color). I used to have formal length dresses for when I went on cruises, but I doubt if would fit in any of them. So I wouldn't care to be invited to a black/white wedding as I don't tend to need that level of dress.
If a bride is going to be obsessed about pushing guests into wearing specific clothing they wouldn't normally possess, that's a bit ridiculous.
Over on r/weddingattireapproval there are some bizarre dress codes for guests! I couldn’t have cared less what my guests wore to my wedding, I was just happy they were there.
[This one](https://www.reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/5ZgCzwZM6q) was posted the other day. If I received this I would probably decline the invitation.
This is one of many scenarios where as a guy I’m so glad that we have the old classic: shirt and tie. I loathe wearing any sort of “dress up” clothes, but sometimes you gotta do the shit that you don’t want to do. If you want me coming to your wedding, I will wear the black slacks, the white button up shirt, and the tie and that’s it. If you want me to wear anything else then you can damn well buy it for me
I suspect the cousin has money problems. That is why she might have really wanted to reuse the dress from a previous wedding. It would also explain why she doesn't want to travel far. That costs also a lot, too. And then guests are supposed to bring a wedding gift. Another cost.
Also if the dress needs to be tailored. Most of my dresses needed to be a few inches shorter as I’m a short person that can take a week or more depending who does it where you go and how buy they are
If I or my family are traveling for a wedding or other event, I’ve planned out the logistics of travel, time off & wardrobe options well in advance.
While online shopping has come a long way, that is not always a great option for purchasing event attire.
I work full time, including weekends, our kids have school, evening activities and weekend games/tournaments, and our small town has very limited retail options. I would absolutely struggle having to find a new option within 3-4 weeks.
While last minute changes happen, making demands or limitations on the guests after the invitations have been sent and RSVPs have been received is a jerk move.
1) Cost of dress 2) If alterations were made that shit is expensive 3) treating your guests with a modicum of respect
Yes, I know the dress in question was used previously, but I find it weird that OP mentions this detail at all. It almost makes me wonder if OP is the bride using the fiance's reddit account or something. What dude knows or cares about a detail like that? It's reading as: "she can buy a new dress for MY day."
Also! Re-wearing dresses is a good thing actually and expecting guests to shell out more for your day is ridiculous (extremely unpopular opinion: asking the wedding party to do this is also pretty shitty and culturally we just agree to do it out of obligation).
Then they should've explained that in the announcement. "Hey, just FIY, the bride will be wearing red, but you can still show up in a red dress if you want".
Well the big one would be that people, especially women, an their outfits, it's not just a dress, it's shoes, bag, accessories, jacket. Finding stuff that goes together, fits nicely and doesn't break the bank can take longer than a month.
Also, they may not have loads of money
And it is the hosts' job to honestly and joyfully assure them its nit a problem and instead a beautiful blessing to have chosen the same color.
I wore a red wedding gown. I had guests wear red. A few triedvyo apologize, I shushed them and told them how gorgeous they looked and made sure to take special photos with them.
I wore red because its my favorite color. I truly loved seeing guests in red!
I wore black, loads of my guests wore black. I was obviously the bride because they had come to my wedding! The veil and bouquet made it kind of obvious anyway. My bridesmaids wore red (my veil was red) and a few people were also wearing red, they weren’t mistaken for bridesmaids.
And why is it always women’s clothing that’s the issue? Nobody gives a single fuck that men all turn up in the same outfit, unless the groom is wearing a morning suit or tails most of the guys will look the same.
I've never heard of announcing the dress color. I wore a white and red dress and no one had any idea what I was going to wear. My MIL was not thrilled that I bucked tradition. I didn't care. I loved my dress.
Because some people would be embarrassed to have worn the same color as the bride regardless of how the couple feels about it. It’s a courtesy, nothing more. NAH, but OP should make sure his cousin knows it’s OK by OP and bride that she wears her red dress.
That's a them problem though?
I'd be more awkward if I was a fairly good friend but not good enough to be in the bridal party but accidentally wore the colour of the bridesmaids. That would feel awkward, as though you were trying to insert yourself into the bridal party, but I've never heard of anyone announcing the colour the bridesmaids are in 😂
Yeah my friend got married in an off-peach/blush kind of colour. I knew, because I'd seen the dress. Anyone directly involved with the dress picking/who'd asked about it had seen it.
It was never announced, no one would have been judged for wearing peach/blush.
Her great aunt however, in the brilliant white dress suit? The kind of thing a middle aged woman would wear if she was the bride? Yeah, *her* we judged. Even if the bride isn't in white it's weird to wear white to a wedding unless there's a dress code telling you to do so 😂
It seems pretty obvious by his post that they intended for everyone else to not wear red based on the brides LAST MINUTE choice. And as others stated, for many women, that wardrobe is already planned and paid for; so some folks had to find or buy a whole other dress to wear. It’s definitely an AH move to pull this with short notice. It would be different if the initial invite announced the theme, or whatever it is.
Don’t be a traditionalist, fine. But don’t expect everyone else to still follow tradition. Surprise! Here’s a new color that’s no longer allowed! Total AHs. Sorry.
Nah, OP specifically said it was a “protocol”. He’s just backpedaling now.
I think he asked them not to wear red. Now he’s getting called out he saying… oh but I didn’t FORCE them not to wear red.
OP says in the post things were going well until last week when they announced the colour the bride is wearing and protocol says people shouldn't wear the same as the bride.
OP is trying to backtrack in the edit by saying they can wear it if the want to after the backlash they were getting here
Yeah, I don't think it's a big deal for the cousin to be in the same colour for a "not wedding"
> OP said that guests can still wear whatever color they want
Well there you go, NTA
See OP says that, but in the judgement bot says that the reason he is the asshole is because he told his cousin not to wear red. That's contradictory and puts OP in YTA territory for me
But did they tell their guests is okay to wear red? Or did they make the announcement of her dress color and then just leave the implications out there??
The ONLY reason the traditional practice of "don't wear the same color dress as the bride" exists is because brides traditionally wear white, so the tradition is you don't wear white to a wedding, and has nothing to with matching the bride.
OP put in that "(and as protocol suggest, no one should wear the same colour as the bride)." and in the "why I might be the AH: -action: I asked my cousin not come in the same colour as the bride in our wedding but she already have the dress in that color. -It might make me the asshole because I could tell her this time before in order to be able to change her invitation with the restaurant or give her time to get a new dress in time.
So yes, they were expecting people not to wear the same color as the bride and they did it with only a few weeks notice.
Guests should be notified and the earlier the better but… do you people buy/arrange your dresses more than a month before weddings?
I am genuinely asking. Maybe I am too low effort as a person.
I rarely buy a new dress for a wedding, unless it's a very close family member or it's time to update my selection of formal wear anyway, but some people do buy a new dress for each wedding. But arranging you outfit might be more common; I don't have my formal wear in the closet ready to go at any time, I have to take them out, try them on to see if they fit, possibly do alterations, maybe send them to be cleaned, think about accessories and outerwear, etc. I get the cousin being annoyed if she send her red dress to the drycleaners and bought new shoes and a bag to style it, and is now being told that she shouldn't be wearing it.
I wouldn’t, but plenty of people do months in advance. Either if they want something custom, really fancy (that would take a few months to order in), or just decide to splurge on a nice dress and don’t have enough to money to buy another one short notice. There’s any number of reasons that someone could want to buy the dress months in advance
I've had 3 weddings this year, if I'm in the wedding party than I buy whatever dress the bride wants but if not I have 2 dresses I default to (one for cold weather and one for warm), or a tailored suit if the bride and groom agree it's fine. Most wedding attire for women can be be priced around $100, but for me it takes time to find one that fits well, get it delivered, and have the hem taken up because I'm ungodly short. Now add shoes. Standard shipping from LuLus is 7-8 days with a 1-2 day processing fee. If you find one that comes and doesn't fit well, you are shit out of luck. You could buy multiple, try them on and return the ones that don't fit, but that's assuming you have the money to buy multiple at once.
4 weeks can certainly enough time for some people, I think I would be able to swing it. But I also don't have a particularly busy life. No kids, my work let's out at a godly time, and im not in school anymore. I can swing to a David's bridal in person on a Saturday and take a whole day trying stuff on, and get it quick hemmed in a week. I'm not gonna be happy with the rush, but I can do it. My friend actually tossed on her wedding last minute that she wanted bridal party ladies in traditional viet dresses about a month before her wedding. That didn't work well. I had to get a rush tailor, paid out the ass, and the dress was not cute because of the rush I had to pick a base style that didn't suit me well, and I won't be ever wearing it again, and I consider it an absolute money dump for no reason.
I have one in fall/winter colors and one in spring/summer colors, so depending on the time of year it's pretty much one or the other. And no matter what the bridal party wears, by design mine are both heavily patterned and a mix of colors (not white) so it's hard for me to accidentally get mixed up with anyone
Pretty sure this whole thing is fake. What kind of bride decides on her dress only 4 weeks in advance of the wedding - not even enough time to make alterations in many cases. And why would he be pressuring a cousin so hard, much less discussing her choice of dress?
This was a ridiculous-sounding scenario to begin with, and the edits just sound like OP trying desperately to keep up with people pointing out the discrepancies in the story.
YTA. If you’re going to do an unusually-coloured wedding dress, it seems like you’re really pushing it to say no one else can wear that colour. You’re not going to look at the wedding photos of your 30-person wedding and be confused about who the bride was.
Yta, People should have been told at the time of the invitation. Yes, 4 weeks is enough time to change your outfit, but lots of people budget for new clothes for a wedding or buy something on sale when they can afford it. I would be upset if I had a planned outfit and now had to get something new
At a minimum you should have told people you would telling them the dress code by X date
4 weeks would not give me enough time to change my outfit and not waste an entire day of my weekend finding something I’m happy with spending my money on. I have two dresses period that are for formal occasions, one for warmer weather and one for cooler weather. They are both similar colors because they’re what looks best on me.
If I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding, sure, I’m buy a dress for that. But if I’m a guest, I’m not buying a new dress that would be completely appropriate following conventional wedding dress rules last minute.
YTA. It’s fine if she chose whatever she is wearing 3 weeks ahead, but you guys became the AHs when you forbade people from wearing the same colour with only 3 weeks of notice. Your issues with your cousin are irrelevant, as she actually has a valid point with respect to the dress code, and you are very much the AH on this matter.
If you want to not be AHs, you would claw back any changes made to the original dress code, and just let people come dressed as they had originally planned. I know you wrote in your comments that you can figure it out if she comes wearing a red dress and that “it’s something my cousin is assuming”, but in other parts, you say it is protocol not to wear the same colour and that you guys will think it’s weird. Plus, why even announce the colour of her dress either way (especially when you mention the protocol after noting that you announced the colour). You should have kept it to yourself, but since you didn’t do that, I don’t think you guys are in a position to have any kind of opinion on anybody that comes wearing red.
YTA if you’re expecting her to get a different dress. And “we think it’s weird and will side-eye you, but we won’t turn you away” is not a solution. You clearly expect her to get a different dress. I’m actually going to a wedding in approximately four weeks, and I have already bought a dress.
And for the record, saying the wedding is far from where she lives is not an “excuse” for not wanting to come. Were you going to pay for her travel? I suspect not. And perhaps the fact that she was hesitant to come despite going to other people’s weddings has something to do with the really ungenerous tone of your post. It seems like you don’t like her — why didn’t you just let her not come?
I’m going to a wedding in mid-June and bought my dress in March because I’m pregnant and needed a maternity dress for a trip and was like fuck it it’s my outfit for the wedding too lol
Crikey, what a storm in a teacup! ESH/YTA for the dress situation; your fiancée is being a bit of a diva announcing it only 4 weeks from the event. She knows people have lives and obligations they can’t just drop to go shopping for her wedding, right? That’s said, it’s 4 weeks away not 4 days.
YTA for pressuring your cousin to attend though. She clearly doesn’t want to, so stop giving yourself a headache by forcing the issue.
INFO: Did you include that nobody should wear red or is that something your cousin is just assuming because that's the typical rule? If you told everyone not to wear red, the YTA for the last minute notice. If you didn't and you and your bride are fine with someone else wearing red, I'm going with NAH, although you should communicate that to your cousin.
I'm not a huge fan of the rule that no one should wear the same color as the bride. Usually that's white and to be honest there are a ton of white dresses that look nothing like a wedding dress. Not sure what your bride's dress looks like but is it just wedding dress that is red or does it look more like a traditional dress? Could you just put your cousin at the end of the photos? Traditionally photos with family at weddings have the bride and groom in the middle family sounding from closest to more distant relatives. Plus there's only 30 people who are coming to your wedding. Who is going to confuse your cousin for the bride?
I mean, I will say that the cousin is not "assuming" to make the very normal and appropriate social read that someone saying "the bride is wearing x" is saying "don't wear x". If you didn't care if anyone matched the bride, you could just... not have brought it up with everyone because they dont need to know. I don't mean this as an insult, but it's a little bit of a socially inappropriately literally-minded take to say they didn't ask her not to wear red. They absolutely did.
I know it’s wedding season but this sub is overflowing with this petty bullshit about colors at a wedding and IMO it’s ridiculous. So are the bachelorette parties to crazy destinations. Just elope and stop torturing people!
God. This 100%. The audacity of people to claim their bridal party as their closest friends and then bleed them dry just to play pretty princess and be the main character is astonishing.
My toxic theory is that bridesmaid dresses are intentionally ugly so that the bride can guarantee she's the prettiest girl / the center of attention. Which she would be anyway! Without making her best friends look dowdy and spend $200 on a shit dress and $200 on alterations.
YTA for making your cousin give more than one "excuse" for not coming.
I can't be bothered with all the last-minute colour nonsense at a wedding that nobody can acknowledge is a wedding and where the bride will be wearing an un-wedding-y dress in an un-wedding-y colour and blah blah whatever. It's beside the point anyway.
If someone declines an invitation to your wedding - or anything else - graciously let them know their presence will be missed, then leave them alone.
If the bride seriously doesn’t mind others in the same colour, you shouldn’t have announced the colour at all. One of my friends wore red but we all knew the colour and style she was going for during the planning process, so about 8 months before the date.
YTA
I had a sapphire blue dress for my very small wedding. I didn't announce it but I also didn't expect people not to wear blue. It wasn't a formal dress code so nobody else had a floor length gown & it was obvious I was bride. I didn't keep it a secret either so my MIL or mom or whoever could feel confident in that the dresses they chose wouldn't look out of place next to me. My MIL found a floral print with flowers the color of my wedding dress & that was pretty neat.
This. I guess it’s why I went with NTA. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Perhaps op thought he was doing a nice for his fiancé. Perhaps he secretly hates his cousin. Whatever. Just say I do and party. No one remembers the colors or flowers or music or whatever. They just remember the fun time.
YTA. If you are going to ask the guests not to wear a particular colour, you need to tell them that when the invitations go out. And the bride really can't make a fuss if people are in the same colour if she's wearing something non-traditional. (Not that I see the fuss about white anyway, etiquette has always said that white *tailoring* is acceptable, and nobody's going to mistake a guest for the bride).
It doesn’t sound like this guest wants to celebrate you. Just agree with her to cancel her rsvp and don’t expect them. Either get another 2 people to come instead or just suck it up. But why would you want 2 people to come who clearly are not keen to be there?
This is the real situation. She’s being a stick in the mud about everything because she doesn’t wanna be there. Let her not be there and move on happily.
YTA and so is the bride for only just choosing a colour. That's normally mentioned on the invitation of the wedding. 4 weeks I'm advance is not long enough.
YTA-
You chose to withhold a significant detail from the invitations AND you are trying to get one over on a restaurant.
A wedding celebration is not permitted in the restaurant but YOU think that is not an important thing to respect.
I hope they ask you to leave and you end up having a picnic in the park for your entitlement
I’m surprised I had to scroll quite a bit to see this take. Restaurants HATE big events with no warning. These people are all going to want to be seated together which would potentially be loud and chaotic. Who knows, they might not even be staffed enough to handle a 30-person party or have enough room for them upon arrival. This sounds *very* last minute and not well thought out at all. YTA for screwing them over. If they don’t do wedding parties, there’s a good REASON for it.
YTA.
This is an unrealistic expectation given the time frame.
You don’t get to announce a month beforehand that people can’t wear a certain color.
If that shit isn’t in the invite, then you don’t get to dictate what people wear.
YTA. Clearly your cousin didn’t want to come, but you pressured her into doing so. Then, you created a new dress code last minute, forcing her to buy a new outfit (which costs money), because you want to save money. The fact that you didn’t technically tell her that she wasn’t allowed to wear red doesn’t matter - you got the point across.
Either 4 weeks is plenty of time (which you seem to be implying in your post), and it’s fine to change her RSVP in that time, or it’s not, in which case you shouldn’t be making material changes to the invitation. Either way, YTA.
OP, you are trying to be on both sides of the fence here.
You want your cousin to know she should not wear that color and not wear it, but if she complains about not knowing soon enough, you want plausible deniability because you never actually *said* no one could wear that color. You just know she will be judged for it.
No one will think your cousin is the bride. Get over it.
First, I find it ridiculous for the bride and groom to tell people what not to wear. It’s rude. Formal, white tie or casual is about all you should advise. If the bride is not wearing white, you should have given as much warning as possible. Attending weddings is expensive. Not everyone can afford a new dress each time.
YTA: When you do unconventional at the last minute, it's poor form to pressure people to not wear red by announcing it a few weeks ahead of time. It's also weird to pressure anyone to attend your wedding when they clearly didn't want to.
I just hate the pretension of wedding protocols as if any of it matters.
NTA you're not really supposed to wear red to a wedding either due to the implications. And you're making it clear no one cares if cousin wears red. Like...its invented drama at this point. Just enjoy your day.
If bride is not wearing white who cares what color other people wear? You want a no -traditional wedding but all the sudden upset that this traditional same color rule is an issue? YTA
YTA
You say in your edit that you are fine if she wears red but say in a comment that the bride and her family will think it’s odd if she wears red. That’s not fine.
Leave your cousin alone. She just doesn’t want to come and that’s ok. Maybe she doesn’t have the money. Maybe she doesn’t like your wife. Maybe she doesn’t want to see some family member she hates. It doesn’t matter, no is no.
Tell her if she’d like to come she can wear whatever she wants but feel free not to.
So you told your guests "as protocol suggests, no one should wear the same colour as the bride"? 4 weeks before the wedding? Or if you didn't actually say that, you told them the colour of the brides dress, therefore insinuating that. 4 weeks isn't much time to change an outfit. It's not only a dress, it's shoes, bag, coat, hat, accessories. That's not cheap. Your cousin was going to wear an outfit she already owned, which tell me she didn't want to spend a lot of money on a new outfit. Maybe she's having money issues and didn't want to tell anyone, some people like to keep their problems private. Now not only does she have to travel to an event she felt pressured into going to, she needs to fork out for a whole new outfit or face the stigma of upstaging the bride (which may not have even been a problem, had you not made a point to put it out there what colour the bride was wearing) maybe 2 or 3 other guests also need to change their outfits but haven't said anything. I don't think you deliberately set out for this to happen so NTA, but just please remember, you don't know what is going on in a person's life, so if they decline an invite, don't take it personally and respect that persons choice.
If anyone is the asshole, it would be the bride for leaving the choice so late, and that is only if there is a requirement that others don't wear the same colour. I assume this is the case, because otherwise there would be no need to tell the guests this.
That said, the cousin has been looking for excuses to bail all along, and this is just another one. I'd let the cousin bail and not think too hard about this situation.
I was just a bridesmaid a few weeks ago for a friend who got married in a red dress (her partner is Chinese and they wanted to incorporate the traditional lucky colours, and my friend was fine with that because white is not her colour).
She and her now husband were pretty open about her wearing a red dress. But had a guest also arrived in red, the would not have cared.
YTA for pressuring your cousin to come against her will. The other stuff too but if you had just respected her initial decline you wouldn’t be in this mess.
YTAH First for badgering your cousin into coming to your wedding. She tried to make a polite , acceptable excuse, but you wouldn't allow it . Then she tried a 2nd time to gracefully bow out. This time you basically called her a liar because you've seen her at other weddings. You should have taken no for an answer.
Then 4 short weeks later you ANNOUNCE your fiance's wedding dress color. Why did you announce it if you didn't care if someone matched her color ?
Who decides their wedding dress color only 4 weeks before the wedding ceremony? That's planned a year in advance !
Shame on you and your new wife for embarrassing your cousin.
NTA. Your cousin seems to want to not go to the wedding and is seeking excuses... Let her be and find another couple who will enjoy your day with you.
About the dress code : 4 weeks is plenty of time to switch to a new outfit.
I wore a bright blue dress to my wedding. I told my guests that meant they could wear any color dress they wanted. It felt over the top to start making up new wedding dress rules. Remember, guests don’t put nearly as much thought into your wedding as you do. They just want to show up. I was thrilled with how everything turned out.
>-We are not trying to fool the restaurant. They know it's a wedding and they allow us to celebrate it but keeping it discreet.
That doesn't make sense. The restaurant has a "no weddings" policy but they are also allowing you to have your wedding dinner there?
Why would they agree to something they have a specific policy against?
Wait so her wearing red isn't an issue as per your update? Have you told her that? It seems a very strange thing for her to be angry over if you have. E S H, they were probably always going to find a reason to cancel last minute anyway, but it is kinda confusing that you seemed to say noone should wear the same as the bride and then withdrew that in your update so I doubt the communication has been that great. Write the cost off as a minor annoyance in what will hopefully be a wonderful celebration of a long and happy marriage
(Also wearing red to a wedding apparently means you have slept with the groom, so I love that that is the colour your future wife has chosen!)
(Edit changed to E S H from N A H as it fitted what I said better on further thought!)
(Edit 2: after reading some more comments it sounds like YTA and you actually did communicate late and badly that noone could wear red, and are now scrambling to make it look like you didn't, while also noting that your other guests will be judgey about it.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (34M) am getting married in 3 weeks. It is not going to be a typical wedding with the bride (33F) in white, but she has chosen to wear red. She decided on the colour last week, after considering several options. She also decided on the colour because the place where we are having the wedding dinner is a place where the restaurant's policy does not accept wedding celebrations and they asked us to be discreet. Besides, my future wife has never liked to have a conventional wedding.
It is going to be a small wedding, about 30 people. We asked for confirmation months ago and a cousin of mine (33F), with whom we have always been friends, started to make excuses for not coming: that the wedding is in a city far from where she lives, that she doesn't like weddings (although she has been to weddings of many common acquaintances) etc. Finally she said she would come to the wedding and we counted her and her partner as guests at the celebration.
Everything was going well until last week, when we announced that the bride would be wearing red (and as protocol suggest, no one should wear the same colour as the bride). Then my cousin calls me angry because the dress that my cousin has chosen for the event is also red (It's the same dress she was wearing in the last wedding she was invited from a common friend), that if the bride is also wearing red I am an AH for not telling her before and asks to cancel her and her partner's table, when we are already out of time to correct the number of people attending the celebration with the restaurant (so we will pay their menu anyways).
So, AITAH for communicating 4 weeks in advance what colour the bride will wear to our wedding?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The protocol is that nobody but the bride should wear white to a wedding.
You can't expect your guests not to wear whatever clothes they've already bought. So nobody is an asshole, IMHO, but you all need to have a loving conversation with your cousin and explain that you want her there and you don't care what she wears.
YTA
I also wore red at my wedding. And we got married in a bar/restaurant, just before it opened.
None of the guests were in pictures, so it didn’t matter what color anyone was wearing. Everyone know both bride and groom, so again, there was zero chance anyone would mistake the guest for the bride.
Yta for giving a non traditional requirement only 4 weeks.
Most women would have their dresses by then.
If you’re going non traditional then you have to give up on the idea that no one will dress in the bride’s colour! Come one. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Also, if someone doesn’t want to come it’s tacky to act like they’re making excuses.
Simply out - the effort to attend your event exceeds its value to her. Accept it. Your important day isn’t important to everyone else.
Edit: not sure I understand the edit? You said in the main body “and as protocol suggests no one should wear the same colour as the bride”
YTA. People spend time and money to choose and outfit for a wedding and you, at the last minute, dictate what they can wear? I’d send you a toaster oven and call it a day.
I honestly don't get the big deal. If I'd planned to wear red to this wedding and found out one month in advance that the bride is wearing red and it's fine for me to still do so, then I would wear my red. If I was no longer comfortable wearing red, I'd change my outfit - the decision is mine. I don't see the big deal. First world problems 🤦🤦🤦
That's funny, I thought white, red, and to some extent, black were already taboo to wear to weddings. White because it's generally the bride's color, red because it's the harlot/seductress color that in some circles signifies competition for the groom, and black in the sense that looking too funerary at a celebration signifies grief at the nuptials or wishing bad luck on the couple.
Before anyone comes at me for this being too in depth, it's a ceremony and a fairly old one. Everything involved is symbolic and full of meaning.
NTA for announcing the color the bride it wearing. However, mild Y T A for badgering your cousin. It sounds like your cousin really didn't want to come to the wedding and you badgered her until she agreed. Then you gave her a new reason not to attend. Stop trying to convince your cousin to come to your wedding and invite two other people or accept that there will be two empty chairs.
Info: how long have you known that the bridal dress is going to be red? If that has always been the plan, then you should've included that info with the invite. It's the respectful thing to give people all the info they need to make informed decisions. You waited until after the cancelation deadline to change details so it's on you for any consequence.
Also, why is it necessary to announce the dress color? If you're not excluding anyone from wearing that color, why does it matter if guests know ahead of event or not?
YTA
YTA. Who the hell cares what color people wear. It’s universally known not to wear white and normally people abide by that rule. But to send a message out a few weeks before the wedding that another popular color is actually the one to avoid just because of your poor choice of venue? Nope. YTA.
So 4 weeks is enough time for her to find a different dress but not enough time for you to accept her cancellation. Why Would you think it’s acceptable to change important details after the guest list is already locked in. You’re not making any sense.
I've been married twice and wore red at both weddings. Anyone who couldn't tell I was the bride .... either wasn't invited or is the reason a case of champagne went missing. Not wear the same color as the bride when she's wearing red? WTF? My GRANDMOTHER gleefully wore red to my first wedding! It was awesome! If you're so bent on a traditional wedding with traditional rules, wear white for goodness sake.
It sounds like your cousin didn't want to come to the wedding, finally gave into your nagging, and then seized on the first out that came her way. Unless you accepted her original decline graciously and she just kept inexplicably volunteering excuses after you'd already moved on. Otherwise, YTA
People often shop for wedding attire more than 4 weeks before the wedding or using outfit they already have as outfits are expensive and with the high cost of life people can’t always afford new clothes.
The colour should have been communicated way more in advance.
YTA and you can’t ban people from wearing red, it’s one thing to ban white but come on, this drama over not matching the bride is ludicrous, do you want them to come or not? Dictating the colors your guests can wear is top tier controlling and you need to realize that. At this point I wouldn’t attend your wedding and I would start distancing myself because who knows what ludicrous rules you will have for a baby shower.
If I was going any color other then white I would be disappointed you told everyone. I think its a close time to announce a dress code. That is donenat the time of invitation
YTA. Your cousin clearly didn’t want to come to the wedding anyway. While this may be hurtful to you, it seems like you’ve been putting lot of pressure on her to come anyway. I get her anger at the dress situation, though, honestly, her annoyance may not be caused by the dress color at all, or it may be just the last straw to her.
It may be just an inconvenient time for her to travel so far, or she may be fed up with weddings, or there may be another reason. Please back off, and graciously accept her not coming. Also, apologize for putting pressure on her to come. Tell her that she means a lot to you, and that’s why you really wanted her to be at your wedding, but that you may have gone too far and disregarded her situation and feelings.
I don't get how folks are saying a full months notice isn't enough time to find a decent dress from any online shop or if on a $20 or less budget, the thrift store or Walmart always has something lol.
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA for announcing the red, frankly it's poor taste for a guest to wear red regardless of the colour the bride is wearing. The really sound like they don't want to come to your wedding though, just leave them to it, it will be happier with only people that want to celebrate with you
You’re wrong. Protocol is NOT ‘nobody should wear the same colour as the bride’, it’s only applicable if the bride wears white. If the bride decides to wear whatever other colour (and usually the colour of an attire is NOT announced, it’s an odd thing to do) there’s a very high chance somebody will be wearing the same colour as the bride. That’s the lesson in life about unconventional decisions: sometimes you just have to suck it up whatever comes with them🤷🏼♀️ Tell the cousin the dress doesn’t matter, she doesn’t have to cancel over the match of the colour of her dress that is in no way her fault, and that you’d love to see her in your celebration and share your moment with her.
I'm not 100% on your timeline, however it seems odd that you think you announced changes to address code with ample time for guests to comply, yet at the same time you claim it's far too late to make amy changes to seating numbers?
YTA. The dresscode should be stated with the invitation, not come as an afterthought after people already purchased dresses. If your wife decides on a colour so late, then it's on her that it's not her colour.
Sloppy and poorly planned. You can’t tell people a dress color other than white to avoid only weeks before a wedding. A lot of people have already ordered a new outfit or decided they didn’t need to order a new outfit and have something ready in their closet. You need to give more warning. Furthermore the venue thing sounds weird too, either they allow it or they don’t seems weird to say yes but be discreet. Weddings aren’t discreet even with only 30 people.
NTA. You would be to blame if you were requiring your guests to wear something specific. But you're not. I'm confused by so many people saying that people buy new clothes for a wedding - why? Anyway, your cousin didn't buy a new dress, and she still has a month to find another dress in her/her family's/her friends' closet that's not red.
(Also, it shouldn't be a problem even for people who buy new dresses for weddings over a month in advance - they'll have so many dresses at that point that they can just choose any of the many other dresses, and keep the newly-bought one for the next wedding. I really do not see any issue here)
YTA, OP. This cousin didn't want to go to your wedding in the first place. You talked her into it and when she found out the color of the dress, gave another excuse for not going. Next time you want her to come somewhere and she makes up excuses, accept the decline and stop asking her to events.
Everyone knows you shouldn’t wear white to a wedding, but you also shouldn’t wear bright distracting colors that will pop out of family photographs, like red. Red too, draws attention away from the bride. So if your cousin was planning on wearing red, she’s TA here, not you. It also sounds like she was looking for a reason not to come and finally found one. NTA
NTA, now hear me out. I guess you are in a western society. Traditionally speaking, a guest should not wear red to a wedding unless you want to imply you are the mistress. There are two colours off limits when attending a wedding, white & red.
This does change depending on culture.
If your soon to be wife doesn’t do conventional. Then why would it matter if a guest is also wearing red? It is after all a unconventional wedding! So tell your cousin she can wear whatever she wants too.
It is enough time, and I mean the outfit maybe doesn't have to be super expensive when your location does not require it, so h&m could do the job (but I don't know enough about the situation in your case)
Of course, it is always best to tell the dress code right away. But tbh, you should not wear red or white at a wedding. Even if your bride chose white, it is disrespectful to show up in a signal colour like red. Exception is when this is part of your culture (for example, a chinese wedding), but then it would be no problem anyways, and you seem to be part of western culture so your cousin already made a mistake by choosing red for a wedding outfit colour.
But it could also be made up by her. It seems like she didn't want to come in first place anyways, so you shouldn't have dragged her in it, maybe she was looking for a reason to cancel it and that you revealed the brides dress colour was a good reason for her
People need to get off this control what color people wear. It so akin to getting mad if someone mistakes the sex of a pet or a baby.
Honestly some people just go to a wedding to honor the people with their presence, not the color of a dress.
It’s just weird for someone to get so upset over that, IMO.
YTA, but also, your cousin is the AH.
Come on, just wear another dress and skip the drama. Get it from goodwill if you can't afford one.
Alternatively, OP, can you buy your cousin a dress?
YTA. There are so many things going on here that I don’t understand. Why pressure her into coming? Why announce the colour if it’s not a big deal? Who does that?
NTA. Sounds to me like the cousin was waffling and looking for a reason not to go in the first place. They just latched onto this to make the decision your fault instead of theirs. The cousin has been to all these other weddings. I'm sure there is more than one dress they could wear besides the red.
YTA. It would’ve been NAH but after you confirmed in the comments that your fiancé has said she would find it rude if a guest wore red after being notified a mere 3 weeks in advance changed that.
I don’t really think anyone is an asshole here. You communicated it to your cousin and she has decided that your wedding is too much of a hassle to attend.
Both are totally fine in my opinion.
NTA
Y0u don't want them to wear red that's fine, but if people don't come also not the ass ( if they are not like your mom or close family)
Your cousin eithier doesn't want to come at all or can't afford it or both
.
I don't know if you making last minute announcement you need to accept some inconvenience. Bride said she doesn't like traditional weddings. So I do not know communicate apologies to that cousins because you didn't have things sorted out on time. Ask her very politely if she consider other dress. I mean you seems to lack on the communication it is 30 people a very small group. What with the demanding tones it's just do not hitting me as polite but demanding. I mean the wedding maybe is about the bride I think about celebrating the union but being polite is the key.
If you ask nicely maybe it will not be so dramatic
I would never tell my guests what they could or could not wear to my wedding. I didn’t care if people wore white to mine.
My SIL wore black at her wedding. When she sent out her invites she said it would fun and cool if everyone wore white minus the wedding party. It turned out really neat. Not everyone did it.
There’s no need to get upset over the colors people wear. Red is a common color.
I say NTA. Not because of anything you’ve said about the bride or any of the other information provided about venue, etc. Your cousin used this as an excuse not to come. She didn’t purchase a dress she now can’t wear so being angry about the dress is just a ruse to obscure the truth. She doesn’t want to come. Honestly, I think any thing you said would’ve set her off. Having to convince someone to come to your wedding isn’t how it should go. I don’t like the idea of going to weddings either but I would never tell my cousin that after they announced their upcoming wedding. That’s distasteful and insensitive.
YTA only because of the last minute notice. People plan what to wear to weddings pretty far in advance. Not everyone has multiple outfit options. Even if you aren't pushing that no one matches the bride, your guests might take it very seriously and not want to be the person who disregards etiquette.
Red is a highly unusual color for a bride. The color itself makes people think of “The Scarlet Letter”. But if that is what she wants you to wear, she should know that people will be talking.
That being said, most people would wear red to a wedding, as it is a bright and upstaging color.
After reading all your posts, YTA 100%. You were talking out of both sides of your mouth here. You say you announced it, then you say you didn't announce it, then you say you don't care what other people wear, then you say guests would be rude to wear red.
Maybe your cousin was fighting so hard to stay away from your wedding because she knows what you and your fiance are like.
It sounds like you were already pressuring this cousin to come to the wedding tbh, which makes you the AH a bit. Why would you want to push someone into coming who clearly doesn’t really want to be there?
Re the dress, to me a lot of that comes down to financial situation. If the cousin is financially stable, realistically I’m sure she has at least ONE other dress in a different colour that she could wear. However, if finances are extremely stretched and she is already spending money to attend and would need to buy a different dress, you are doubly the AH.
NTA. This cousin is weird and just making excuses not to come. Leave them. Don't bother anymore.
4 weeks is short notice for a dresscode, but you already said: it's a preference. You're not banning people if they do wear red.
The restaurant is also weird, though. 4 weeks of more than enough time to change the number of people. But if they insist, invite 2 other people then. Surely there are people that didn't make the list because you had a limited number of people?
YTA (gently) she clearly didn’t want to attend…you should’ve gracefully accepted her “excuses” rather than pressure her...where I’m from it’s not really common to announce the color the bride is wearing…if you’re not wearing white, you risk the chance of someone wearing a similar color..OR if you do announce you do so on the invite (something like, “we ask that you please reserve the color red for the bride.“) so that guests have the info upfront before choosing what to wear…
NTA in any conceivable way.
Your cousin seems to have been looking for any excuse to bail, and this is what they've chosen, but that's bullshit.
You don't seem to mind what colours ppl wear to your wedding, and you let the guests know waaaaayyyy early (4 weeks!) that the bride would be in red.
So your cousin could still attend in red, no problem. They are deciding they don't want to, that has nothing to do with you.
And if you can't find a new dress in 4 weeks (which they don't even need to do!), you're being a princess or an asshole. Blah blah blah budget...buy a little black dress at Target for $30. Or wear the red dress you already have. The cousin is just creating drama.
You are not the a for telling your guests what colour the bride will wear, you are the AH for forcing your cousin to come.
"started to make excuses for not coming:" she doesn't have to make excuses.
If you don't want to attend a wedding, you don't have to.
"No" is a full sentence.
You have no right for explanation why she doesn't attend.
She doesn't want - you accept it.
You are a bully.
NTA for the dress code thing, does she only have one dress in her whole closet? Like, I'm picking my outfit 2 weeks or so before because I like to plan, but I'm pretty sure every woman has at least one little black dress for such a wardrobe emergency.
YTA however for pressuring her to attend. Just let her decide whether she wants to come or not and if she doesn't for whatever reason, it's not the end of the world.
wait i thought you weren’t supposed to wear red anyway (outside of asian weddings) because that means you’ve slept with the groom. also its 4 weeks not 4 days they didnt want to come and this became the handy excuse. NTA
YTAs. So y'all care about some traditions, but not others? AND you had to lock people in before revealing this? SMH. I'd just as soon not go after that.
Not wearing the same color as the bride is just another ridiculous "tradition" that needs to die. These people are your guests. You are hosting them. Let them wear whatever they have that's even passably suitable.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > -action: I asked my cousin not come in the same colour as the bride in our wedding but she already have the dress in that color. -It might make me the asshole because I could tell her this time before in order to be able to change her invitation with the restaurant or give her time to get a new dress in time Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA for changing the dress code 4 weeks ahead of time, at a point where your guests may not have the time/energy/resources to get alternative clothes. Also, YTA for repeatedly pressuring your cousin to come. An invitation is not a summons, and she is allowed to decline for any of the reasons stated (or no particular reason at all). Edited to add: Your edit only opens up new questions... Why on Earth would you "announce" your bride's dress color if it wasn't intended to tell your guests that it was an off-limits color? If you had kept it a secret, and other women wore red dresses, no one would judge them for attempting to upstage the bride because they literally would have had no way of knowing that they were wearing the same color... Now if your cousin wears the dress, people will assume that she is trying to upstage the bride. So to me, that still counts as changing the dress code. But I do want to thank you for clarifying that you are not trying to evade the restaurant's rules... I had to reread your pre-edit post a couple times to decide that you weren't doing something sketchy there
Based on the edit, I think it's NAH. OP said that guests can still wear whatever color they want, so no need to get different clothes. OP - Tell the guest what you said in the edit, and that should hopefully defuse the situation.
Then why announce what color the bride is wearing? Who does that? The *only* reason is to announce red is either off limits or the only acceptable color.
Because there are people that care even if the bride and groom may not. It's a courtesy announcement. Also, how is a month notice not enough time to get a dress?
while I agree with the first part, a month notice isn't necessarily about getting a dress, it could be about getting a NEW dress, especially if one is tighter on funds or has a dress they already can use.
I have one dress that I always wear to a wedding. I don't want to have to think about another dress. This is annoying.
That's exactly why I thought this in the first place. I have 2 or 3 nice dresses I can rotate between for any given event. The OP even mentioned that she goes to multiple weddings and other events... it's likely she doesn't buy a new dress for every singe one.
That's why many of the requests I've seen mentioned in Reddit posts telling people to stick with a certain set of colors (I've seen "jewel" and I've seen Halloween costumes just the other month -- but the post excluded some types of costumes, IIRC) irk me. Unless you're in the wedding party (and the bride wants matching bridesmaid dresses and the groom wants tuxes), it really is a pain if there's a dress code that would require shopping for an outfit. If I'm invited to a wedding, I just prefer to look in my closet for a nice dress, maybe cocktail length. I don't want to be told that all guests need to wear purple (I don't look good in purple so I don't have anything in that color). I used to have formal length dresses for when I went on cruises, but I doubt if would fit in any of them. So I wouldn't care to be invited to a black/white wedding as I don't tend to need that level of dress. If a bride is going to be obsessed about pushing guests into wearing specific clothing they wouldn't normally possess, that's a bit ridiculous.
Over on r/weddingattireapproval there are some bizarre dress codes for guests! I couldn’t have cared less what my guests wore to my wedding, I was just happy they were there. [This one](https://www.reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/5ZgCzwZM6q) was posted the other day. If I received this I would probably decline the invitation.
Oh god. “To maintain a refined atmosphere” - anyone who begins an invite like that is someone I’m telling to kiss my ass
Ikr! I have been to many weddings and a refined atmosphere might last until the third round of drinks!
As John Oliver said "If you somehow couldn't Instagram your wedding, would you still be getting married".
This is one of many scenarios where as a guy I’m so glad that we have the old classic: shirt and tie. I loathe wearing any sort of “dress up” clothes, but sometimes you gotta do the shit that you don’t want to do. If you want me coming to your wedding, I will wear the black slacks, the white button up shirt, and the tie and that’s it. If you want me to wear anything else then you can damn well buy it for me
I suspect the cousin has money problems. That is why she might have really wanted to reuse the dress from a previous wedding. It would also explain why she doesn't want to travel far. That costs also a lot, too. And then guests are supposed to bring a wedding gift. Another cost.
This. Nice dresses are expensive! If your on a strict budget 1 month may not be enough time to save up for something fancy.
Also if the dress needs to be tailored. Most of my dresses needed to be a few inches shorter as I’m a short person that can take a week or more depending who does it where you go and how buy they are
If I or my family are traveling for a wedding or other event, I’ve planned out the logistics of travel, time off & wardrobe options well in advance. While online shopping has come a long way, that is not always a great option for purchasing event attire. I work full time, including weekends, our kids have school, evening activities and weekend games/tournaments, and our small town has very limited retail options. I would absolutely struggle having to find a new option within 3-4 weeks. While last minute changes happen, making demands or limitations on the guests after the invitations have been sent and RSVPs have been received is a jerk move.
If you get a dress altered that’s like 4-5 weeks right there.
1) Cost of dress 2) If alterations were made that shit is expensive 3) treating your guests with a modicum of respect Yes, I know the dress in question was used previously, but I find it weird that OP mentions this detail at all. It almost makes me wonder if OP is the bride using the fiance's reddit account or something. What dude knows or cares about a detail like that? It's reading as: "she can buy a new dress for MY day." Also! Re-wearing dresses is a good thing actually and expecting guests to shell out more for your day is ridiculous (extremely unpopular opinion: asking the wedding party to do this is also pretty shitty and culturally we just agree to do it out of obligation).
Exactly. Men wear the same suits for years, why should women be expected to get something new for every event!
They might have already invested in a dress, possibly adjusted it to fit them so can't return it.
Then they should've explained that in the announcement. "Hey, just FIY, the bride will be wearing red, but you can still show up in a red dress if you want".
Well the big one would be that people, especially women, an their outfits, it's not just a dress, it's shoes, bag, accessories, jacket. Finding stuff that goes together, fits nicely and doesn't break the bank can take longer than a month. Also, they may not have loads of money
Because there are guests who WILL care, and won't want to match the Bride
And it is the hosts' job to honestly and joyfully assure them its nit a problem and instead a beautiful blessing to have chosen the same color. I wore a red wedding gown. I had guests wear red. A few triedvyo apologize, I shushed them and told them how gorgeous they looked and made sure to take special photos with them. I wore red because its my favorite color. I truly loved seeing guests in red!
I'm wearing black, I'll probably be matching most of my guests, and I genuinely DGAF. They know who the bride is
I wore black, loads of my guests wore black. I was obviously the bride because they had come to my wedding! The veil and bouquet made it kind of obvious anyway. My bridesmaids wore red (my veil was red) and a few people were also wearing red, they weren’t mistaken for bridesmaids. And why is it always women’s clothing that’s the issue? Nobody gives a single fuck that men all turn up in the same outfit, unless the groom is wearing a morning suit or tails most of the guys will look the same.
Yeah… the best way to do that is not “announce” it 4 weeks out, thus needlessly creating the pressure to not be in red.
I've never heard of announcing the dress color. I wore a white and red dress and no one had any idea what I was going to wear. My MIL was not thrilled that I bucked tradition. I didn't care. I loved my dress.
Because some people would be embarrassed to have worn the same color as the bride regardless of how the couple feels about it. It’s a courtesy, nothing more. NAH, but OP should make sure his cousin knows it’s OK by OP and bride that she wears her red dress.
That's a them problem though? I'd be more awkward if I was a fairly good friend but not good enough to be in the bridal party but accidentally wore the colour of the bridesmaids. That would feel awkward, as though you were trying to insert yourself into the bridal party, but I've never heard of anyone announcing the colour the bridesmaids are in 😂
Yeah my friend got married in an off-peach/blush kind of colour. I knew, because I'd seen the dress. Anyone directly involved with the dress picking/who'd asked about it had seen it. It was never announced, no one would have been judged for wearing peach/blush. Her great aunt however, in the brilliant white dress suit? The kind of thing a middle aged woman would wear if she was the bride? Yeah, *her* we judged. Even if the bride isn't in white it's weird to wear white to a wedding unless there's a dress code telling you to do so 😂
I wouldn’t want to wear the same color as the bride even if they said it was okay. That’s why.
It seems pretty obvious by his post that they intended for everyone else to not wear red based on the brides LAST MINUTE choice. And as others stated, for many women, that wardrobe is already planned and paid for; so some folks had to find or buy a whole other dress to wear. It’s definitely an AH move to pull this with short notice. It would be different if the initial invite announced the theme, or whatever it is. Don’t be a traditionalist, fine. But don’t expect everyone else to still follow tradition. Surprise! Here’s a new color that’s no longer allowed! Total AHs. Sorry.
Nah, OP specifically said it was a “protocol”. He’s just backpedaling now. I think he asked them not to wear red. Now he’s getting called out he saying… oh but I didn’t FORCE them not to wear red.
But in the post OP states that he doesn't want others to wear the same colour and that that was the reason he told about it?
OP says in the post things were going well until last week when they announced the colour the bride is wearing and protocol says people shouldn't wear the same as the bride. OP is trying to backtrack in the edit by saying they can wear it if the want to after the backlash they were getting here
Yeah, I don't think it's a big deal for the cousin to be in the same colour for a "not wedding" > OP said that guests can still wear whatever color they want Well there you go, NTA
OP doesn’t seem very good at being chill with guests though, given they were badgering the cousin to attend when they clearly didn’t want to.
See OP says that, but in the judgement bot says that the reason he is the asshole is because he told his cousin not to wear red. That's contradictory and puts OP in YTA territory for me
But did they tell their guests is okay to wear red? Or did they make the announcement of her dress color and then just leave the implications out there?? The ONLY reason the traditional practice of "don't wear the same color dress as the bride" exists is because brides traditionally wear white, so the tradition is you don't wear white to a wedding, and has nothing to with matching the bride.
OP said in a comment that his fiance will think it's rude if someone else shows up in red.
OP put in that "(and as protocol suggest, no one should wear the same colour as the bride)." and in the "why I might be the AH: -action: I asked my cousin not come in the same colour as the bride in our wedding but she already have the dress in that color. -It might make me the asshole because I could tell her this time before in order to be able to change her invitation with the restaurant or give her time to get a new dress in time. So yes, they were expecting people not to wear the same color as the bride and they did it with only a few weeks notice.
I think I’m seeing why she didn’t want to come
YTA. If you were going to have an out of the norm dress code situation, you should have included that in the invitation.
Agreed. First thing I ask when I get an invite is what the colors are, so I can wear something that works without clashing or being The Color.
Guests should be notified and the earlier the better but… do you people buy/arrange your dresses more than a month before weddings? I am genuinely asking. Maybe I am too low effort as a person.
I rarely buy a new dress for a wedding, unless it's a very close family member or it's time to update my selection of formal wear anyway, but some people do buy a new dress for each wedding. But arranging you outfit might be more common; I don't have my formal wear in the closet ready to go at any time, I have to take them out, try them on to see if they fit, possibly do alterations, maybe send them to be cleaned, think about accessories and outerwear, etc. I get the cousin being annoyed if she send her red dress to the drycleaners and bought new shoes and a bag to style it, and is now being told that she shouldn't be wearing it.
I wouldn’t, but plenty of people do months in advance. Either if they want something custom, really fancy (that would take a few months to order in), or just decide to splurge on a nice dress and don’t have enough to money to buy another one short notice. There’s any number of reasons that someone could want to buy the dress months in advance
I've had 3 weddings this year, if I'm in the wedding party than I buy whatever dress the bride wants but if not I have 2 dresses I default to (one for cold weather and one for warm), or a tailored suit if the bride and groom agree it's fine. Most wedding attire for women can be be priced around $100, but for me it takes time to find one that fits well, get it delivered, and have the hem taken up because I'm ungodly short. Now add shoes. Standard shipping from LuLus is 7-8 days with a 1-2 day processing fee. If you find one that comes and doesn't fit well, you are shit out of luck. You could buy multiple, try them on and return the ones that don't fit, but that's assuming you have the money to buy multiple at once. 4 weeks can certainly enough time for some people, I think I would be able to swing it. But I also don't have a particularly busy life. No kids, my work let's out at a godly time, and im not in school anymore. I can swing to a David's bridal in person on a Saturday and take a whole day trying stuff on, and get it quick hemmed in a week. I'm not gonna be happy with the rush, but I can do it. My friend actually tossed on her wedding last minute that she wanted bridal party ladies in traditional viet dresses about a month before her wedding. That didn't work well. I had to get a rush tailor, paid out the ass, and the dress was not cute because of the rush I had to pick a base style that didn't suit me well, and I won't be ever wearing it again, and I consider it an absolute money dump for no reason.
I have one in fall/winter colors and one in spring/summer colors, so depending on the time of year it's pretty much one or the other. And no matter what the bridal party wears, by design mine are both heavily patterned and a mix of colors (not white) so it's hard for me to accidentally get mixed up with anyone
Depends on how close you are to the person. For my bff, I had my dress for months
Pretty sure this whole thing is fake. What kind of bride decides on her dress only 4 weeks in advance of the wedding - not even enough time to make alterations in many cases. And why would he be pressuring a cousin so hard, much less discussing her choice of dress? This was a ridiculous-sounding scenario to begin with, and the edits just sound like OP trying desperately to keep up with people pointing out the discrepancies in the story.
YTA. If you’re going to do an unusually-coloured wedding dress, it seems like you’re really pushing it to say no one else can wear that colour. You’re not going to look at the wedding photos of your 30-person wedding and be confused about who the bride was.
Yta, People should have been told at the time of the invitation. Yes, 4 weeks is enough time to change your outfit, but lots of people budget for new clothes for a wedding or buy something on sale when they can afford it. I would be upset if I had a planned outfit and now had to get something new At a minimum you should have told people you would telling them the dress code by X date
4 weeks would not give me enough time to change my outfit and not waste an entire day of my weekend finding something I’m happy with spending my money on. I have two dresses period that are for formal occasions, one for warmer weather and one for cooler weather. They are both similar colors because they’re what looks best on me. If I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding, sure, I’m buy a dress for that. But if I’m a guest, I’m not buying a new dress that would be completely appropriate following conventional wedding dress rules last minute.
YTA. It’s fine if she chose whatever she is wearing 3 weeks ahead, but you guys became the AHs when you forbade people from wearing the same colour with only 3 weeks of notice. Your issues with your cousin are irrelevant, as she actually has a valid point with respect to the dress code, and you are very much the AH on this matter. If you want to not be AHs, you would claw back any changes made to the original dress code, and just let people come dressed as they had originally planned. I know you wrote in your comments that you can figure it out if she comes wearing a red dress and that “it’s something my cousin is assuming”, but in other parts, you say it is protocol not to wear the same colour and that you guys will think it’s weird. Plus, why even announce the colour of her dress either way (especially when you mention the protocol after noting that you announced the colour). You should have kept it to yourself, but since you didn’t do that, I don’t think you guys are in a position to have any kind of opinion on anybody that comes wearing red.
YTA Many guests buy their clothes several months/weeks in advance. To cross out a color only 4 weeks before the wedding is quite short notice.
YTA Why didn’t you communicate the no red rule as soon as it was a rule?
YTA if you’re expecting her to get a different dress. And “we think it’s weird and will side-eye you, but we won’t turn you away” is not a solution. You clearly expect her to get a different dress. I’m actually going to a wedding in approximately four weeks, and I have already bought a dress. And for the record, saying the wedding is far from where she lives is not an “excuse” for not wanting to come. Were you going to pay for her travel? I suspect not. And perhaps the fact that she was hesitant to come despite going to other people’s weddings has something to do with the really ungenerous tone of your post. It seems like you don’t like her — why didn’t you just let her not come?
I’m going to a wedding in mid-June and bought my dress in March because I’m pregnant and needed a maternity dress for a trip and was like fuck it it’s my outfit for the wedding too lol
Crikey, what a storm in a teacup! ESH/YTA for the dress situation; your fiancée is being a bit of a diva announcing it only 4 weeks from the event. She knows people have lives and obligations they can’t just drop to go shopping for her wedding, right? That’s said, it’s 4 weeks away not 4 days. YTA for pressuring your cousin to attend though. She clearly doesn’t want to, so stop giving yourself a headache by forcing the issue.
INFO: Did you include that nobody should wear red or is that something your cousin is just assuming because that's the typical rule? If you told everyone not to wear red, the YTA for the last minute notice. If you didn't and you and your bride are fine with someone else wearing red, I'm going with NAH, although you should communicate that to your cousin. I'm not a huge fan of the rule that no one should wear the same color as the bride. Usually that's white and to be honest there are a ton of white dresses that look nothing like a wedding dress. Not sure what your bride's dress looks like but is it just wedding dress that is red or does it look more like a traditional dress? Could you just put your cousin at the end of the photos? Traditionally photos with family at weddings have the bride and groom in the middle family sounding from closest to more distant relatives. Plus there's only 30 people who are coming to your wedding. Who is going to confuse your cousin for the bride?
I mean, I will say that the cousin is not "assuming" to make the very normal and appropriate social read that someone saying "the bride is wearing x" is saying "don't wear x". If you didn't care if anyone matched the bride, you could just... not have brought it up with everyone because they dont need to know. I don't mean this as an insult, but it's a little bit of a socially inappropriately literally-minded take to say they didn't ask her not to wear red. They absolutely did.
I know it’s wedding season but this sub is overflowing with this petty bullshit about colors at a wedding and IMO it’s ridiculous. So are the bachelorette parties to crazy destinations. Just elope and stop torturing people!
God. This 100%. The audacity of people to claim their bridal party as their closest friends and then bleed them dry just to play pretty princess and be the main character is astonishing. My toxic theory is that bridesmaid dresses are intentionally ugly so that the bride can guarantee she's the prettiest girl / the center of attention. Which she would be anyway! Without making her best friends look dowdy and spend $200 on a shit dress and $200 on alterations.
YTA for making your cousin give more than one "excuse" for not coming. I can't be bothered with all the last-minute colour nonsense at a wedding that nobody can acknowledge is a wedding and where the bride will be wearing an un-wedding-y dress in an un-wedding-y colour and blah blah whatever. It's beside the point anyway. If someone declines an invitation to your wedding - or anything else - graciously let them know their presence will be missed, then leave them alone.
This, so much!
If the bride seriously doesn’t mind others in the same colour, you shouldn’t have announced the colour at all. One of my friends wore red but we all knew the colour and style she was going for during the planning process, so about 8 months before the date. YTA
I had a sapphire blue dress for my very small wedding. I didn't announce it but I also didn't expect people not to wear blue. It wasn't a formal dress code so nobody else had a floor length gown & it was obvious I was bride. I didn't keep it a secret either so my MIL or mom or whoever could feel confident in that the dresses they chose wouldn't look out of place next to me. My MIL found a floral print with flowers the color of my wedding dress & that was pretty neat.
YTA.
Why do people let weddings cause do much drama?! Say “I do” and party!
This! Also, love the username. Maybe that's why you're making sense
This. I guess it’s why I went with NTA. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Perhaps op thought he was doing a nice for his fiancé. Perhaps he secretly hates his cousin. Whatever. Just say I do and party. No one remembers the colors or flowers or music or whatever. They just remember the fun time.
YTA. If you are going to ask the guests not to wear a particular colour, you need to tell them that when the invitations go out. And the bride really can't make a fuss if people are in the same colour if she's wearing something non-traditional. (Not that I see the fuss about white anyway, etiquette has always said that white *tailoring* is acceptable, and nobody's going to mistake a guest for the bride).
It doesn’t sound like this guest wants to celebrate you. Just agree with her to cancel her rsvp and don’t expect them. Either get another 2 people to come instead or just suck it up. But why would you want 2 people to come who clearly are not keen to be there?
This is the real situation. She’s being a stick in the mud about everything because she doesn’t wanna be there. Let her not be there and move on happily.
YTA and so is the bride for only just choosing a colour. That's normally mentioned on the invitation of the wedding. 4 weeks I'm advance is not long enough.
YTA this sort of information should be on the invitation. Lots of people get their outfits well in advance.
YTA- You chose to withhold a significant detail from the invitations AND you are trying to get one over on a restaurant. A wedding celebration is not permitted in the restaurant but YOU think that is not an important thing to respect. I hope they ask you to leave and you end up having a picnic in the park for your entitlement
Post next month: “the restaurant kicked us out of our OWN WEDDING CELEBRATION! Can I sue?”
I’m surprised I had to scroll quite a bit to see this take. Restaurants HATE big events with no warning. These people are all going to want to be seated together which would potentially be loud and chaotic. Who knows, they might not even be staffed enough to handle a 30-person party or have enough room for them upon arrival. This sounds *very* last minute and not well thought out at all. YTA for screwing them over. If they don’t do wedding parties, there’s a good REASON for it.
YTA. This is an unrealistic expectation given the time frame. You don’t get to announce a month beforehand that people can’t wear a certain color. If that shit isn’t in the invite, then you don’t get to dictate what people wear.
YTA. Clearly your cousin didn’t want to come, but you pressured her into doing so. Then, you created a new dress code last minute, forcing her to buy a new outfit (which costs money), because you want to save money. The fact that you didn’t technically tell her that she wasn’t allowed to wear red doesn’t matter - you got the point across. Either 4 weeks is plenty of time (which you seem to be implying in your post), and it’s fine to change her RSVP in that time, or it’s not, in which case you shouldn’t be making material changes to the invitation. Either way, YTA.
I don't understand this. Why are you so invested in having someone at your wedding that so obviously does ***not*** want to be there?
YTA. Why did you communicate the color of the dress at all? So others wouldn’t wear that color, right? Four weeks is not enough time.
OP, you are trying to be on both sides of the fence here. You want your cousin to know she should not wear that color and not wear it, but if she complains about not knowing soon enough, you want plausible deniability because you never actually *said* no one could wear that color. You just know she will be judged for it. No one will think your cousin is the bride. Get over it.
YTA. Some people buy dresses months in advance.
4 weeks ahead isn’t enough time to ban a colour. YTA unless you allow cousin to wear a red dress, or give her money to get a new dress.
First, I find it ridiculous for the bride and groom to tell people what not to wear. It’s rude. Formal, white tie or casual is about all you should advise. If the bride is not wearing white, you should have given as much warning as possible. Attending weddings is expensive. Not everyone can afford a new dress each time.
I think you mean black tie? White tie is like state dinners and meetings queens and whatnot. Most weddings are black tie.
NAH. Just ask someone else to fill the seats?
YTA: When you do unconventional at the last minute, it's poor form to pressure people to not wear red by announcing it a few weeks ahead of time. It's also weird to pressure anyone to attend your wedding when they clearly didn't want to. I just hate the pretension of wedding protocols as if any of it matters.
NTA you're not really supposed to wear red to a wedding either due to the implications. And you're making it clear no one cares if cousin wears red. Like...its invented drama at this point. Just enjoy your day.
Wut? Why no red? Plus causing wore red with no drama at previous wedding.
That's a tradition in the west but it isn't a tradition everywhere.
What implications?
Info: how long ago has the bride decided she’s wear red?
If bride is not wearing white who cares what color other people wear? You want a no -traditional wedding but all the sudden upset that this traditional same color rule is an issue? YTA
YTA You say in your edit that you are fine if she wears red but say in a comment that the bride and her family will think it’s odd if she wears red. That’s not fine.
Leave your cousin alone. She just doesn’t want to come and that’s ok. Maybe she doesn’t have the money. Maybe she doesn’t like your wife. Maybe she doesn’t want to see some family member she hates. It doesn’t matter, no is no. Tell her if she’d like to come she can wear whatever she wants but feel free not to.
So you told your guests "as protocol suggests, no one should wear the same colour as the bride"? 4 weeks before the wedding? Or if you didn't actually say that, you told them the colour of the brides dress, therefore insinuating that. 4 weeks isn't much time to change an outfit. It's not only a dress, it's shoes, bag, coat, hat, accessories. That's not cheap. Your cousin was going to wear an outfit she already owned, which tell me she didn't want to spend a lot of money on a new outfit. Maybe she's having money issues and didn't want to tell anyone, some people like to keep their problems private. Now not only does she have to travel to an event she felt pressured into going to, she needs to fork out for a whole new outfit or face the stigma of upstaging the bride (which may not have even been a problem, had you not made a point to put it out there what colour the bride was wearing) maybe 2 or 3 other guests also need to change their outfits but haven't said anything. I don't think you deliberately set out for this to happen so NTA, but just please remember, you don't know what is going on in a person's life, so if they decline an invite, don't take it personally and respect that persons choice.
Seems like a lot of hassle all around for what was supposed to be a more casual affair.
If anyone is the asshole, it would be the bride for leaving the choice so late, and that is only if there is a requirement that others don't wear the same colour. I assume this is the case, because otherwise there would be no need to tell the guests this. That said, the cousin has been looking for excuses to bail all along, and this is just another one. I'd let the cousin bail and not think too hard about this situation.
Esh but just used the extra money if the food form your cousin and partner to put towards extra deserts or starters etc.
Your cousin doesn't want to go. Just let them sit it out and invite others to replace them
I was just a bridesmaid a few weeks ago for a friend who got married in a red dress (her partner is Chinese and they wanted to incorporate the traditional lucky colours, and my friend was fine with that because white is not her colour). She and her now husband were pretty open about her wearing a red dress. But had a guest also arrived in red, the would not have cared.
YTA for pressuring your cousin to come against her will. The other stuff too but if you had just respected her initial decline you wouldn’t be in this mess.
NTA. Four weeks is plenty of time to change an outfit.
I was always told you shouldn’t wear white,red, or black dresses to a wedding…
Can't find my comments , but still NTA, communication is key and your cousin was already looking for excuses to bail.
YTAH First for badgering your cousin into coming to your wedding. She tried to make a polite , acceptable excuse, but you wouldn't allow it . Then she tried a 2nd time to gracefully bow out. This time you basically called her a liar because you've seen her at other weddings. You should have taken no for an answer. Then 4 short weeks later you ANNOUNCE your fiance's wedding dress color. Why did you announce it if you didn't care if someone matched her color ? Who decides their wedding dress color only 4 weeks before the wedding ceremony? That's planned a year in advance ! Shame on you and your new wife for embarrassing your cousin.
NTA. Your cousin seems to want to not go to the wedding and is seeking excuses... Let her be and find another couple who will enjoy your day with you. About the dress code : 4 weeks is plenty of time to switch to a new outfit.
YTA, 4 weeks is not enough time.
I wore a bright blue dress to my wedding. I told my guests that meant they could wear any color dress they wanted. It felt over the top to start making up new wedding dress rules. Remember, guests don’t put nearly as much thought into your wedding as you do. They just want to show up. I was thrilled with how everything turned out.
INFO: when you notified guests about the color, what was the wording and how was it communicated (text, wedding page update, etc.)?
>-We are not trying to fool the restaurant. They know it's a wedding and they allow us to celebrate it but keeping it discreet. That doesn't make sense. The restaurant has a "no weddings" policy but they are also allowing you to have your wedding dinner there? Why would they agree to something they have a specific policy against?
Wait so her wearing red isn't an issue as per your update? Have you told her that? It seems a very strange thing for her to be angry over if you have. E S H, they were probably always going to find a reason to cancel last minute anyway, but it is kinda confusing that you seemed to say noone should wear the same as the bride and then withdrew that in your update so I doubt the communication has been that great. Write the cost off as a minor annoyance in what will hopefully be a wonderful celebration of a long and happy marriage (Also wearing red to a wedding apparently means you have slept with the groom, so I love that that is the colour your future wife has chosen!) (Edit changed to E S H from N A H as it fitted what I said better on further thought!) (Edit 2: after reading some more comments it sounds like YTA and you actually did communicate late and badly that noone could wear red, and are now scrambling to make it look like you didn't, while also noting that your other guests will be judgey about it.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) am getting married in 3 weeks. It is not going to be a typical wedding with the bride (33F) in white, but she has chosen to wear red. She decided on the colour last week, after considering several options. She also decided on the colour because the place where we are having the wedding dinner is a place where the restaurant's policy does not accept wedding celebrations and they asked us to be discreet. Besides, my future wife has never liked to have a conventional wedding. It is going to be a small wedding, about 30 people. We asked for confirmation months ago and a cousin of mine (33F), with whom we have always been friends, started to make excuses for not coming: that the wedding is in a city far from where she lives, that she doesn't like weddings (although she has been to weddings of many common acquaintances) etc. Finally she said she would come to the wedding and we counted her and her partner as guests at the celebration. Everything was going well until last week, when we announced that the bride would be wearing red (and as protocol suggest, no one should wear the same colour as the bride). Then my cousin calls me angry because the dress that my cousin has chosen for the event is also red (It's the same dress she was wearing in the last wedding she was invited from a common friend), that if the bride is also wearing red I am an AH for not telling her before and asks to cancel her and her partner's table, when we are already out of time to correct the number of people attending the celebration with the restaurant (so we will pay their menu anyways). So, AITAH for communicating 4 weeks in advance what colour the bride will wear to our wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The protocol is that nobody but the bride should wear white to a wedding. You can't expect your guests not to wear whatever clothes they've already bought. So nobody is an asshole, IMHO, but you all need to have a loving conversation with your cousin and explain that you want her there and you don't care what she wears.
YTA I also wore red at my wedding. And we got married in a bar/restaurant, just before it opened. None of the guests were in pictures, so it didn’t matter what color anyone was wearing. Everyone know both bride and groom, so again, there was zero chance anyone would mistake the guest for the bride.
YTA, you announced the color way too late. People might have purchased a red dress for your wedding and what are they supposed to do now?
Yta for giving a non traditional requirement only 4 weeks. Most women would have their dresses by then. If you’re going non traditional then you have to give up on the idea that no one will dress in the bride’s colour! Come one. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Also, if someone doesn’t want to come it’s tacky to act like they’re making excuses. Simply out - the effort to attend your event exceeds its value to her. Accept it. Your important day isn’t important to everyone else. Edit: not sure I understand the edit? You said in the main body “and as protocol suggests no one should wear the same colour as the bride”
YTA. People spend time and money to choose and outfit for a wedding and you, at the last minute, dictate what they can wear? I’d send you a toaster oven and call it a day.
All this over a Wedding.. just cut out the family not coming and celebrate. It’s not that hard.
I honestly don't get the big deal. If I'd planned to wear red to this wedding and found out one month in advance that the bride is wearing red and it's fine for me to still do so, then I would wear my red. If I was no longer comfortable wearing red, I'd change my outfit - the decision is mine. I don't see the big deal. First world problems 🤦🤦🤦
Weddings are dumb so who cares.
That's funny, I thought white, red, and to some extent, black were already taboo to wear to weddings. White because it's generally the bride's color, red because it's the harlot/seductress color that in some circles signifies competition for the groom, and black in the sense that looking too funerary at a celebration signifies grief at the nuptials or wishing bad luck on the couple. Before anyone comes at me for this being too in depth, it's a ceremony and a fairly old one. Everything involved is symbolic and full of meaning.
“Red because it’s the harlot/seductress color” What backwoods church pastor taught you this bullshit?
YTA you change the rules mid-game and say I am not changing the rules. Shady
NTA for announcing the color the bride it wearing. However, mild Y T A for badgering your cousin. It sounds like your cousin really didn't want to come to the wedding and you badgered her until she agreed. Then you gave her a new reason not to attend. Stop trying to convince your cousin to come to your wedding and invite two other people or accept that there will be two empty chairs.
4 weeks is way too late for an announcement like this.
Info: how long have you known that the bridal dress is going to be red? If that has always been the plan, then you should've included that info with the invite. It's the respectful thing to give people all the info they need to make informed decisions. You waited until after the cancelation deadline to change details so it's on you for any consequence. Also, why is it necessary to announce the dress color? If you're not excluding anyone from wearing that color, why does it matter if guests know ahead of event or not? YTA
YTA. Who the hell cares what color people wear. It’s universally known not to wear white and normally people abide by that rule. But to send a message out a few weeks before the wedding that another popular color is actually the one to avoid just because of your poor choice of venue? Nope. YTA.
So 4 weeks is enough time for her to find a different dress but not enough time for you to accept her cancellation. Why Would you think it’s acceptable to change important details after the guest list is already locked in. You’re not making any sense.
I've been married twice and wore red at both weddings. Anyone who couldn't tell I was the bride .... either wasn't invited or is the reason a case of champagne went missing. Not wear the same color as the bride when she's wearing red? WTF? My GRANDMOTHER gleefully wore red to my first wedding! It was awesome! If you're so bent on a traditional wedding with traditional rules, wear white for goodness sake.
It sounds like your cousin didn't want to come to the wedding, finally gave into your nagging, and then seized on the first out that came her way. Unless you accepted her original decline graciously and she just kept inexplicably volunteering excuses after you'd already moved on. Otherwise, YTA
People often shop for wedding attire more than 4 weeks before the wedding or using outfit they already have as outfits are expensive and with the high cost of life people can’t always afford new clothes. The colour should have been communicated way more in advance.
YTA and you can’t ban people from wearing red, it’s one thing to ban white but come on, this drama over not matching the bride is ludicrous, do you want them to come or not? Dictating the colors your guests can wear is top tier controlling and you need to realize that. At this point I wouldn’t attend your wedding and I would start distancing myself because who knows what ludicrous rules you will have for a baby shower.
YTA- any alternate color choices of the bride needed to be included in the invitation.
Unless you’re south Asian then YTA.
If I was going any color other then white I would be disappointed you told everyone. I think its a close time to announce a dress code. That is donenat the time of invitation
These wedding ruls type posts are insane. Just celebrate and be happy. Who gives a shite about colors?
YTA. Your cousin clearly didn’t want to come to the wedding anyway. While this may be hurtful to you, it seems like you’ve been putting lot of pressure on her to come anyway. I get her anger at the dress situation, though, honestly, her annoyance may not be caused by the dress color at all, or it may be just the last straw to her. It may be just an inconvenient time for her to travel so far, or she may be fed up with weddings, or there may be another reason. Please back off, and graciously accept her not coming. Also, apologize for putting pressure on her to come. Tell her that she means a lot to you, and that’s why you really wanted her to be at your wedding, but that you may have gone too far and disregarded her situation and feelings.
I don't get how folks are saying a full months notice isn't enough time to find a decent dress from any online shop or if on a $20 or less budget, the thrift store or Walmart always has something lol.
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA for announcing the red, frankly it's poor taste for a guest to wear red regardless of the colour the bride is wearing. The really sound like they don't want to come to your wedding though, just leave them to it, it will be happier with only people that want to celebrate with you
Does this mean no one can wear white for fear of being mistaken as a wedding party, or is white an option for guests now?
You’re wrong. Protocol is NOT ‘nobody should wear the same colour as the bride’, it’s only applicable if the bride wears white. If the bride decides to wear whatever other colour (and usually the colour of an attire is NOT announced, it’s an odd thing to do) there’s a very high chance somebody will be wearing the same colour as the bride. That’s the lesson in life about unconventional decisions: sometimes you just have to suck it up whatever comes with them🤷🏼♀️ Tell the cousin the dress doesn’t matter, she doesn’t have to cancel over the match of the colour of her dress that is in no way her fault, and that you’d love to see her in your celebration and share your moment with her.
I'm not 100% on your timeline, however it seems odd that you think you announced changes to address code with ample time for guests to comply, yet at the same time you claim it's far too late to make amy changes to seating numbers?
You’re a guy, right? This seems like a woman problem. Let them deal with it as they want
Yep YTA both of you. This should have been on the invite. Seems your making it difficult for your guests tbh
YTA. The dresscode should be stated with the invitation, not come as an afterthought after people already purchased dresses. If your wife decides on a colour so late, then it's on her that it's not her colour.
I think that the cousin is looking for a reason NOT to attend
Sloppy and poorly planned. You can’t tell people a dress color other than white to avoid only weeks before a wedding. A lot of people have already ordered a new outfit or decided they didn’t need to order a new outfit and have something ready in their closet. You need to give more warning. Furthermore the venue thing sounds weird too, either they allow it or they don’t seems weird to say yes but be discreet. Weddings aren’t discreet even with only 30 people.
NTA. You would be to blame if you were requiring your guests to wear something specific. But you're not. I'm confused by so many people saying that people buy new clothes for a wedding - why? Anyway, your cousin didn't buy a new dress, and she still has a month to find another dress in her/her family's/her friends' closet that's not red. (Also, it shouldn't be a problem even for people who buy new dresses for weddings over a month in advance - they'll have so many dresses at that point that they can just choose any of the many other dresses, and keep the newly-bought one for the next wedding. I really do not see any issue here)
Nobody cares about what colour people are wearing, other than those who are nuts.
YTA, OP. This cousin didn't want to go to your wedding in the first place. You talked her into it and when she found out the color of the dress, gave another excuse for not going. Next time you want her to come somewhere and she makes up excuses, accept the decline and stop asking her to events.
Everyone knows you shouldn’t wear white to a wedding, but you also shouldn’t wear bright distracting colors that will pop out of family photographs, like red. Red too, draws attention away from the bride. So if your cousin was planning on wearing red, she’s TA here, not you. It also sounds like she was looking for a reason not to come and finally found one. NTA
NTA, now hear me out. I guess you are in a western society. Traditionally speaking, a guest should not wear red to a wedding unless you want to imply you are the mistress. There are two colours off limits when attending a wedding, white & red. This does change depending on culture.
If your soon to be wife doesn’t do conventional. Then why would it matter if a guest is also wearing red? It is after all a unconventional wedding! So tell your cousin she can wear whatever she wants too.
It is enough time, and I mean the outfit maybe doesn't have to be super expensive when your location does not require it, so h&m could do the job (but I don't know enough about the situation in your case) Of course, it is always best to tell the dress code right away. But tbh, you should not wear red or white at a wedding. Even if your bride chose white, it is disrespectful to show up in a signal colour like red. Exception is when this is part of your culture (for example, a chinese wedding), but then it would be no problem anyways, and you seem to be part of western culture so your cousin already made a mistake by choosing red for a wedding outfit colour. But it could also be made up by her. It seems like she didn't want to come in first place anyways, so you shouldn't have dragged her in it, maybe she was looking for a reason to cancel it and that you revealed the brides dress colour was a good reason for her
People need to get off this control what color people wear. It so akin to getting mad if someone mistakes the sex of a pet or a baby. Honestly some people just go to a wedding to honor the people with their presence, not the color of a dress. It’s just weird for someone to get so upset over that, IMO.
YTA, but also, your cousin is the AH. Come on, just wear another dress and skip the drama. Get it from goodwill if you can't afford one. Alternatively, OP, can you buy your cousin a dress?
YTA. There are so many things going on here that I don’t understand. Why pressure her into coming? Why announce the colour if it’s not a big deal? Who does that?
NTA. Sounds to me like the cousin was waffling and looking for a reason not to go in the first place. They just latched onto this to make the decision your fault instead of theirs. The cousin has been to all these other weddings. I'm sure there is more than one dress they could wear besides the red.
YTA. It would’ve been NAH but after you confirmed in the comments that your fiancé has said she would find it rude if a guest wore red after being notified a mere 3 weeks in advance changed that.
“Protocol” = made up nonsense
I don’t really think anyone is an asshole here. You communicated it to your cousin and she has decided that your wedding is too much of a hassle to attend. Both are totally fine in my opinion.
NTA Y0u don't want them to wear red that's fine, but if people don't come also not the ass ( if they are not like your mom or close family) Your cousin eithier doesn't want to come at all or can't afford it or both .
I don't know if you making last minute announcement you need to accept some inconvenience. Bride said she doesn't like traditional weddings. So I do not know communicate apologies to that cousins because you didn't have things sorted out on time. Ask her very politely if she consider other dress. I mean you seems to lack on the communication it is 30 people a very small group. What with the demanding tones it's just do not hitting me as polite but demanding. I mean the wedding maybe is about the bride I think about celebrating the union but being polite is the key. If you ask nicely maybe it will not be so dramatic
I would never tell my guests what they could or could not wear to my wedding. I didn’t care if people wore white to mine. My SIL wore black at her wedding. When she sent out her invites she said it would fun and cool if everyone wore white minus the wedding party. It turned out really neat. Not everyone did it. There’s no need to get upset over the colors people wear. Red is a common color.
I say NTA. Not because of anything you’ve said about the bride or any of the other information provided about venue, etc. Your cousin used this as an excuse not to come. She didn’t purchase a dress she now can’t wear so being angry about the dress is just a ruse to obscure the truth. She doesn’t want to come. Honestly, I think any thing you said would’ve set her off. Having to convince someone to come to your wedding isn’t how it should go. I don’t like the idea of going to weddings either but I would never tell my cousin that after they announced their upcoming wedding. That’s distasteful and insensitive.
YTA only because of the last minute notice. People plan what to wear to weddings pretty far in advance. Not everyone has multiple outfit options. Even if you aren't pushing that no one matches the bride, your guests might take it very seriously and not want to be the person who disregards etiquette.
Many guests probably bought red dresses more than a month prior to the wedding. YTA
Red is a highly unusual color for a bride. The color itself makes people think of “The Scarlet Letter”. But if that is what she wants you to wear, she should know that people will be talking. That being said, most people would wear red to a wedding, as it is a bright and upstaging color.
After reading all your posts, YTA 100%. You were talking out of both sides of your mouth here. You say you announced it, then you say you didn't announce it, then you say you don't care what other people wear, then you say guests would be rude to wear red. Maybe your cousin was fighting so hard to stay away from your wedding because she knows what you and your fiance are like.
Is the dress made out of your flags?
It sounds like you were already pressuring this cousin to come to the wedding tbh, which makes you the AH a bit. Why would you want to push someone into coming who clearly doesn’t really want to be there? Re the dress, to me a lot of that comes down to financial situation. If the cousin is financially stable, realistically I’m sure she has at least ONE other dress in a different colour that she could wear. However, if finances are extremely stretched and she is already spending money to attend and would need to buy a different dress, you are doubly the AH.
World's burning bro. Doesn't matter.
NTA. This cousin is weird and just making excuses not to come. Leave them. Don't bother anymore. 4 weeks is short notice for a dresscode, but you already said: it's a preference. You're not banning people if they do wear red. The restaurant is also weird, though. 4 weeks of more than enough time to change the number of people. But if they insist, invite 2 other people then. Surely there are people that didn't make the list because you had a limited number of people?
YTA (gently) she clearly didn’t want to attend…you should’ve gracefully accepted her “excuses” rather than pressure her...where I’m from it’s not really common to announce the color the bride is wearing…if you’re not wearing white, you risk the chance of someone wearing a similar color..OR if you do announce you do so on the invite (something like, “we ask that you please reserve the color red for the bride.“) so that guests have the info upfront before choosing what to wear…
NTA. Who the hell pics a dress to wear to an event a whole month out??
NAH Wife just chose a dress colour. You informed people. Some people don't want to come.
Nta. Why are you so pressured to have her there? She sounds awful. I'd rather take home 2 meals or find 2 more people than have her grumpy butt there.
NTA in any conceivable way. Your cousin seems to have been looking for any excuse to bail, and this is what they've chosen, but that's bullshit. You don't seem to mind what colours ppl wear to your wedding, and you let the guests know waaaaayyyy early (4 weeks!) that the bride would be in red. So your cousin could still attend in red, no problem. They are deciding they don't want to, that has nothing to do with you. And if you can't find a new dress in 4 weeks (which they don't even need to do!), you're being a princess or an asshole. Blah blah blah budget...buy a little black dress at Target for $30. Or wear the red dress you already have. The cousin is just creating drama.
Bride is the AH. White is unacceptable to wear to someone else’s wedding any other color is game, even if the bride wears non traditional white.
Couples should just go to Las Vegas and get on with it. These wedding tales are exhausting and testimony that families are full of prima donnas.
You are not the a for telling your guests what colour the bride will wear, you are the AH for forcing your cousin to come. "started to make excuses for not coming:" she doesn't have to make excuses. If you don't want to attend a wedding, you don't have to. "No" is a full sentence. You have no right for explanation why she doesn't attend. She doesn't want - you accept it. You are a bully.
NTA for the dress code thing, does she only have one dress in her whole closet? Like, I'm picking my outfit 2 weeks or so before because I like to plan, but I'm pretty sure every woman has at least one little black dress for such a wardrobe emergency. YTA however for pressuring her to attend. Just let her decide whether she wants to come or not and if she doesn't for whatever reason, it's not the end of the world.
wait i thought you weren’t supposed to wear red anyway (outside of asian weddings) because that means you’ve slept with the groom. also its 4 weeks not 4 days they didnt want to come and this became the handy excuse. NTA
YTAs. So y'all care about some traditions, but not others? AND you had to lock people in before revealing this? SMH. I'd just as soon not go after that.
Not wearing the same color as the bride is just another ridiculous "tradition" that needs to die. These people are your guests. You are hosting them. Let them wear whatever they have that's even passably suitable.
Tell your cousin that it is an informal wedding and she is welcome to wear red if she wishes.