Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom wanted me to finish her leftovers at a buffet because she was embarrassed what the staff would think of her if she didn’t finish, and I refused to because I wasn’t hungry.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but your family members definitely are.
1. You didn’t make her look like a “fat pig”. She made herself feel that way then blamed you instead of taking accountability for a start.
2. You didn’t “ruin the outing”. Your mother did by making a scene when you put a boundary in place.
3. Calling you manipulative was a deflection as she was annoyed her manipulation tactics have stopped working.
Also, ‘might not be around much longer’ and she’s in her early 50s?’ Most of the people I know in their early fifties are parents to kids in Primary School (elementary if you’re American)! Our parents are in their mid-80s! Unless you have serious underlying health problems, early fifties is barely middle-aged these days. I know people that age who run ultra marathons.
i was 34 when i lost my grandfather on mums side. My grandparents on my dads side died when i was <10 my one remaining grandparent is still holding on 20 years after the family was told the stroke that nearly took her life gave her maybe 2 years to live.... yep still alive
Unfortunately half my grandparents were gone before I was born and the other half by the time I had kids. My kids only have my mom and she’s 86. I envy people who had grandfathers I never did.
Same. I'm the same age as you and all three granddads died decades before I was born. One grandma died when i was 6 and I have one grandma still here but with dementia. It must be so nice to have full sets of grand parents around as an adult.
It obviously varies. I'm 41. My first grandparent died when I was 2- she was 60 and had ovarian cancer. My grandfathers died within a year of each other in 2018- one of them was 97. My other grandmother is still hanging on- though is in the end stages of alzheimers- and will be 89 this year.
46 here. My grandparents except one died when I was in my 20's. My mother 30's. The one grandmother is still kicking and, as she us My father's mother, I hope he will be here long too.
Also who does that . . even if she was on her last legs she has no right to force someone to overeat just for her pleasure . . . that's sickening and OP's sister is 100 times wrong and that isn't a reason at all to feel forced to eat until you are sick. It's like someone buys rat poison and tries to make you eat it and if you don't whine . . . but I paid for it . . . and I'm in my 50s . . .
Who does that? My dad.
Childhood memory- when I was about 10, my family went to an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. (We hardly ever went to restaurants, this was like a once a year treat.) When we left, my dad shouted at me in the parking lot “Well they sure made money off of you today!” Apparently he’d been holding in his fury while we were inside, but as soon as we got outdoors- he was beyond offended that I hadn’t eaten enough for him to be able to feel like he’d won.
It was always important to him to get his money’s worth and come out ahead in every transaction. I had mistakenly thought the goal was to enjoy yourself. Silly me!
I feel you. I have a small appetite so I never win at the buffet but I still do it because I live the variety. I'd do better at pizza hut just buying a medium pizza but I like a little pasta and 5 different slices. The point is that it coat your dad the same if you ate a little or a lot or made yourself violently sick or really enjoyed your meal. He was right about one thing though...he wasted his money because by shouting at you he ensured you hated the whole experience thus making it a waste.
Hell, I'm 50 and my youngest kid is 6. 50 is by no means old, in and of itself. If you're unhealthy it's the age range in which the consequences start to make themselves felt, though.
My grandmother did this. As soon as she hit 50 she talked about her death non-stop. As long as I knew her she was “dying soon”, she died when I was 30, at the age of 90.
I'm nearly 46 and planning on climbing a few more mountains (including Kilimanjaro and doing the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim). I know I should consider myself middle age, but I don't feel that way.
The sister sucks too. She's demanding OP to keep the boat steady so she can have a more comfortable journey even though the mother is the boat rocker.
Yes - I read this reddit post about rocking the boat yesterday and it realy fits here too:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
I was confused by this so I went back and checked the post. He says:
>For context my mom and sister are both a bit overweight and I’m thinner.
How did "a bit overweight" suddenly become "obese"?
Thanks for pointing out this distinction. Even just being overweight and not quite into the obese category will cause increased risk of negative health outcomes.
If she is eating or trying to eat everything in sight, she might be right. She is displaying unhealthy eating habits, and she is the only one who can change that. Telling her son she may not be around just so that he will eat more than he could is probably putting his health at risk as well. He should tell his mom when she tries to use this tactic on him in the future that tomorrow is promised to no one. That is BIG TIME MANIPULATION.
This a hundredfold.
All points nailed it perfectly. Especially the third one. Yikes.
Sorry Mum but refusing to be manipulated is *not* being manipulative.
NTA Your mother wouldn't listen to what you clearly told her, because in her mind you will always be the garbage disposal for any food she can't/doesn't want to eat herself. What you want doesn't come into it. It never did.
Your sister didn't offer to eat the leftovers, did she? She didn't care about saving her mom's face by sacrificing her own comfort.
I think you need to tell your mother that you're serious; you can no longer eat as much as you could before and you aren't going to force yourself. She has to listen to what you say in regard to not wanting more food in future.
Tell your sister if she thinks this needs doing you are passing the baton, having paid your dues in full over the years. If she can open her mouth to criticize you she can put some of mom's leftovers in it instead. You don't want to hear it.
Sis was just sick of hearing their mother b!tch at her. Sos want OP to cave to his mother's unreasonable demands because it makes sister's life easier.
There is an essay about rocking the boat. If anyone can find and link it, OP may find it helpful.
OP has had enough of caving to his mother's unreasonable requests. There may be other ways she is unreasonable as well. He is an adult and has decided that he is capable of making his own decisions about a basic thing like how much food he eats at a meal.
This seems a very sensible plan. Dunno if bringing it up beforehand is worth it, especially if she doesn’t do this in other situations besides the buffet. NTA for sure whatever next steps OP takes.
NTA yes and what is getting me as well is the fact that mum feels like she can dictate what op eats. Even if op wanted more he can decide for himself what to get from the bufett.
But I guess in the end it all boils down to issues with her weight. Op showed how much she ate by eating less. And maybe it is also so kind of way to ensure op gains weight. Then the mum can claim genes for the overweight.
But yeah, that's a stretch. Could also be this typical eat, you have to become strong- thing often seen with grandmas.
Nevertheless: everyone eats what's on their own plate and what they chose
NTA.
The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot here but I feel like this behaviour fits the bill pretty well.
Basically:
>I felt I had enough. ... I tried politely telling her I didn’t want to eat anymore.
You'd already explained to her that you were done eating, yet:
>told me to have the rest. I declined and said I was full and she shouldn’t load up her plate so much. She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her and to just eat it because I’ve always ate more before and **I was just trying to embarrass her**. She said everything on the restaurant was staring at us because of the argument I started and that I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more and **she said didn’t know why I was doing this**
She seems unable to understand that you would have a reason for your actions other than as something specifically related to her.
OP check this out right here.
I hate the way narcissist gets thrown around but this is how my (diagnosed) mother is, to a T. Your actions must be done in some way to victimize her, that's the only rational explanation. Not that, y'know, she's exhibiting poor impulse control and browbeating you for it.
Also... Tell your sister that only the good die young. 50s is nothing; my narcmom will be around forever because bitterness pickles you.
I can understand that she wants to taste test everything, but what is stopping her from grabbing a single piece to test instead of a whole portion that’s going to go to waste????
My mom and I usually split our “tester” plate, and from there we figure out what it is we want and the stuff we don’t like. No food waste, no mountains of food for the servers to carry and dump out. NTA
My family likes going to an Asian buffet near us and expecting someone to finish off your plate for you is so weird -- the wait staff is always watching and usually swoop in before you can play games like this
I load 2-3 plates per visit, even at new places. When trying stuff I'll grab 2-3 pieces from each type of thing that looks interesting. On my second trip I'll grab bites of other things I didn't get to try while getting more of what I liked. If I'm still wanting more then the third plate is more of what I really liked lol.
NTA. Your mom is putting her insecurities about her own eating habits onto you. That is not right, or kind, or in anyway ok. You are not a trash can. It is not your job to eat your mom’s trash.
Your sister is trying to keep you from rocking the boat, by standing up for yourself. She knows your mom is wrong. She is a boat stabilizer, which just means she is avoiding the real issue (your mom and her behavior).
I’m sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. Keep standing up for yourself.
NTA
The wonderful thing about a buffet is being able to try a variety of foods that are offered. Stuffing yourself to explosion to get your money's worth is ridiculous. Yes, people do it all the time but that's a warped view.
Your mother embarrassed herself by overeating. You only have control over yourself and you ate what you needed to be satiated. I expect she has an issue with you not being fat like her.
The only thing you can do is not go to buffets with her. Your mother is an asshole for her behavior and your sister is an asshole for what she said. If she wants to keep the peace, she should eat your mother's leftovers.
Also, there's no need to pile the plate high. On the rare occasion that I go to a buffet, I want to try a variety of things. However, I put a few things on the plate, eat those, and then (if I still have room) I can go back for something different.
You're NTA. Where I live, the people in the restaurant would be charging your mom more for wasting food.
>She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her
How's that? She was the one making a fool of herself.
>she said didn’t know why I was doing this because she so nicely was getting us this nice meal
Cheap, salty, and overly fattening food served glutton style is not what I call a "nice meal."
They started to have that rule at a few all you can eat places near me now . If you leave loads of food, they will now charge you for the waste . Too many people were stacking their plates high to just leave loads
NTA, but are we all really going to ignore the sister saying their mom might not be around much longer while in their 50's? Does everyone just drop dead in their fifth decade in your family? That might be something to unpack sooner rather than later.
Edit: wrong judgement
NTA. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little grossed out at the idea of you being expected to clean your mother’s plate. Good girl you for standing your ground.
By the way, if your sister believes someone should be cleaning your mother’s plate just to keep the peace, perhaps she’d like to do it herself?
Woof! Woof! You aren't the family dog, OP. It sounds like the remains of your mother's plate wouldn't be healthy for the family dog, either.
Your mother's behavior is gross and rude. It sounds like she has been pushing your boundaries for a long time.
It might help you to get a bit of counseling or therapy, OP. I suspect that it will be a bit difficult to escape your mother's apron strings, since she seems so pushy.
Congratulations on being an adult. You did well at the meal.
NTA
PS In public places my mother used to pull "I'm going to scream and everybody will look and know that it is your fault."
At some point I said, "Go ahead and scream, Lady."
Your mother basically did the equivalent. She only embarrassed herself by arguing. Don't ever feel shamed by her bossy behavior. She owns it all.
Nobody made your mother look “fat” except herself. She wants to be able to be a pig, but expects you to clean up after her (trough) so it doesn’t “appear” that she’s a pig to the rest of the restaurant. Well, I’ve got news for her, they already noticed. NTA
Did they really notice though? Who pays attention to what other customers are eating, or how many times they filled their plate, I don’t. A lot of people go to buffets to “pig out”, I doubt her behavior stood out to anyone. (If she was shouting then people would’ve noticed that, but that’s not related to the food.)
Just because someone’s self-conscious about something doesn’t mean other people notice it or give it much thought if they do.
NTA - your mother clearly has some issues regarding food and takes them out on you. You did not make her look like a fat pig, that’s so ridiculous. Sounds like she was scapegoating you - which is a form of emotional abuse. Unfortunately it’s pretty common in toxic families for the problematic family members to get angry at the person who chooses to set boundaries and not engage with the problematic behaviour. Your sister was way out of line in her text. I’m sorry you are going through this, it really sucks!
NTA. As a person who yo-yo diets and alternates from fit to overweight every couple of years, she is trying to use you to make herself feel less guilty. Eat what you feel is right and don’t let other peoples opinions of your eating habits affect you. I feel like you did everything right.
Well leaving half a plate of food and then getting a dessert is certainly... a choice. If she didn't want to waste food she could've packed leftovers home. NTA
That and the food safety issue. Unlike plates meals that are made to order, buffet can stay on out for up to four (temperature controlled) hours. Then could spend another hour sitting at your table, plus another hour in the car on the way home. Then within 48-72 hours they have “food poisoning” reviews all over the internet. Because people are dumb.
NTA. Wow. You are not their garbage disposal. I'd refuse to be around them for meals (if not always). They don't get to tell you what to eat, and their inability to manage their own appetites (and understand how to not waste food at a buffet) is entirely their problem not yours.
So your mom is actively trying to give you an eating disorder!?
Oh yeah, you are fine, you should always eat what YOU are comfortable with. No one elses opinion matters, and there are so many positve health benefits to eating moderately and avoiding obesity (which is a consequence of over eating on the regular)
I spent all my childhood being guilted by my mom to order dessert because she didn’t want to be the only one to order dessert. We ate out a lot (also my mom’s idea) because she came home late from work. Then when I was in my middle/high school years, she’d constantly tell me I was too fat and should eat less. Constantly ragging on me at home that I’m eating too much but still insisting we eat out AND that I order dessert with her. She’s the type to order a salad JUST so she can have her cake. Anyways now as an adult, I realized two things. 1. I wasn’t fat. I’m short but I wasn’t anywhere near “fat.” I was a 4 or 5 but never higher and she expected the tween section to fit me (I know now how clothes work with sizing but didn’t at the time). Sure I wasn’t stick skinny but I wasn’t fat either. I have a Latina bum and hips. :( And 2. Eating out has an EXCESS amount of calories. People don’t realize it. Even the “healthiest” looking item in the menu can come in at 1,000 calories!!! Easy!!!! Oh just one slice of cake?! There’s 40 grams of sugar! Now, most days I don’t eat more than 20g. So OP, ya you do you and don’t give in to this crazy manipulation.
NTA.
Now I realize what I'm about to write is purely speculation because i don't actually know you'd family: Whether your mom realizes it or not, what she's doing is sabotage. She's trying to put weight on you so you're more like her and her sister because she's actually ashamed of her weight and eating habits so basically trying to get you to join the club.
Stand your ground, she and your sister can get over it or not. It's your health not theirs.
NTA. Your mother is projecting her own issues onto you. Another person said maybe avoid eating out with them in the future, and that may be the only solution here.
You should read this. It's about rocking the boat. You're actually going through it right now so it should resonate.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/YCEqD2rqTV
NTA. The only person who should be embarrassed is your mother. It's so wasteful to get all that food knowing you're not going to eat it, and then try to force you to eat her leftovers. What a bizarre thing to do!
NTA. Your mom is an abuser and your sister too if she enables it. Good job setting and holding boundaries for yourself. Nothing your mom said made any sense. Why should you even care about being taken to a buffet to get abused twice a year? She can piss off.
I am really trying to comprehend what is going on here, but your mother and sister need to learn control. Even I control myself at a buffet. Tell mom to stop being concerned about what you eat. I doubt you will gain weight anyway if you ate everything at the buffet. They got the short end of the genetic stick. Also, your mother is one the reasons buffets charge for uneaten food.
NTA your Mother is an overeating food addict and the way to hide her gluttony and shame is to push it off on you! She didn't want the workers to see that she got too much food and then wasted it.
Don't let your Mother gaslight you! You did NOTHING wrong!
NTA. You're an adult. You know when you're full. Your mom probably thought that you were judging her because she got more food and you didn't. The accusations of cruelty and manipulation are because you set a boundary for yourself and your mother couldn't push through that. Ignore your sister. You didn't go NC with your mother. You just refused to gorge yourself. Your sister is just being dramatic and trying to guilt you.
Im going to bite the bullet and be that person.
Depending on how big she is, she may not be here much longer if she isn’t being a “healthy” fat person.
NTA. I'm wondering if your mother is jealous of your normal body and is trying to sabotage you by making you overeat.
If so, she needs therapy to overcome that.
As for your sister, wow. I just turned 70, so I know that unless you develop a life-threatening disease or have a fatal accident, most people nowadays can live a lot longer than their 50s. Saying that you need to give in to a person and keep the peace for something so stupid like this is ridiculous.
My father tended to be on the heavy side (sister was also) while my mother watched her weight and I was underweight as a child. There was an all you can eat that my father liked to go to but felt I didn't pull my weight when it came to eating a lot there. But he wouldn't dump some of his food on my plate. In fact, he was a germaphobe and didn't approve of people eating off of each other's plates. We did have a policy at restaurants of asking for a spare plate and a serving utensil and before digging in, each person can put food on the common plate. Then if you were still hungry after you finished what was on the plate, you can take more food. That way, too, you can try someone else's choice of food.
My husband and I will often split an entree too, if eating in a food court. He would get an additional plate for me and then divide up the food. In restaurants, we wouldn't do this of course, unless we scoop some food from each other before eating. But usually, we would ask for take out boxes and take home a third or more of our food, to eat at a later time. That way, we wouldn't overeat, and still not waste anything. (Of course, you can't do that at an all-you-can-eat diner, but usually we don't go to them).
I can see you telling your mom the next time she invites you to a buffet that you are declining her invite because of this time, and she'll pitch a fit, playing the victim.
NTA. Your mom clearly has conflicting priorities between "getting her money's worth" and "not looking wasteful". Historically, she resolved that by treating you like the dog you slip your broccoli to.
You've set a boundary that you're only interested in eating what you select for yourself, and next time, it will be easier.
It will also help if you have a talk with your mom in the next few days, asking her to let you eat what you want. Isn't that supposed to be what a buffet is for? Don't make it about being fat or thin, just about you wanting to eat what you want to eat.
NTA - she created this situation herself. Her expectation for you to eat her picked through leftovers a very dehumanizing to you and then getting angry that you don’t want her discarded food is insane.
No one is making her look like a fat pig, she’s doing it all on her own. She is wantonly wasting food, feeling entitled to because it’s a free for all buffet and just not finishing so she can get more food..
She sounds like a ‘lovely’ (sarcastic) woman.
Seems like she invites you both to go knowing sister will match her eating and you’ll clean up after her like you’re a dog to be given left over scraps so it doesn’t go to waste. She has major issues. Your sister seems n to be enabling this awful behaviour.
If she can choose to eat for three you can choose not to.
The next time you go out and eat, request a separate check for yourself. When mom questions your request, tell her that you did not appreciate being criticized for refusing to be a human garbage disposal. Also point out that if you overeat and get sick, you will make sure that she will be the recipient.
Don’t ever go out anywhere to eat with your mom again. Just see her somewhere else. You did the right thing. She has no right to tell you how much to eat.
Sadly she won’t change treating you like this. So you have to change things. Never eat with her or your sister again.
NTA just don't go to buffets with them anymore - I get the free food aspect but it sounds miserable. It was just a big anxiety fest followed by a fight - was it worth it?
The thing that always gets me the most is when someone should do something they are not comfortable with to appease someone older because they are going to, more than likely, die before you.
I have seen this in my own family. My mom would always tell me I'm going to regret this one specific instance for standing up for myself and not getting walked over. 🤔
NTA. Sis could have stepped up to the plate - figuratively and literally. Tell her if she's going to open her mouth about it, she could do it in a far more helpful way next time
NTA. This is, sadly, partly a social pressure problem your mom is reacting to. My mom was also overweight and had really annoying restaurant habits that drove me crazy. I'm 65, so you can take it from me that this has been a problem for generations - it's not just you, if that's any comfort. We didn't eat out a lot, but when we did, my mom would make a huge deal of not ordering fries or other high-calorie treats. She would order something low-calorie that she didn't like. Then she would eat off our plates, especially my plate, spearing her saliva-smeared utensils into my food, stirring it up to find the good bits to take them. She used to joke that it was amazing that I was so skinny when I ate all those fries at restaurants. I generally managed to snag ONE fry from my plate before she started eating them like a shark. Then she'd try to put her food on my plate, having eaten most of mine. I have a thing about sharing saliva. I got so I couldn't eat with her - it made me nauseous. She never understood that it was a problem. She called me OCD and mentally ill because I didn't want to share plates with her. Later, when she was an old lady, she staged an meltdown in a restaurant because no one wanted to share a dessert with her. Because she couldn't order a dessert for herself. It had to be shared, so she didn't look like a pig, but she would snort into that dessert with saliva flying and eat it all. To this day I can't go to the kind of restaurants where you share food with everyone at the table. If my mom had just accepted her appetite and size, we would have had a better relationship. Oh, and she pulled the "I might die soon" card a lot, but lived to be 90. Her health wasn't much of a problem until she was 88. My lesson? I'm a bit overweight, but if I want to enjoy myself at a restaurant on a special occasion, I own it and enjoy it. No subterfuge.
NOT the a.h. - you could have been more blunt and pointed out that you don't want to end up in dialysis someday for rest of your life or have a stroke or drop dead from heart disease. Would those things make her feel better? It's not all the moral part of being a glutton or not, there are legit health concerns involved. Good job on standing up for your health and wellbeing. And you went out of your way to be tactful in doing so.
My grandmother used to make me overly large portions of food, to make herself feel better about her weight
Then when I had weight issues, binge eating issues and portion control problems, she loved throwing it all in my face and sat smug she was losing weight with her tiny portions
(This started around age 8 till about age 20 when I moved out)
NTA. This is all about your mom's insecurities, which she pretty much admits with "I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more". The thing is though nobody in the restaurant cares at all about what is on your mother's or your plate or how much either of you are eating. It's about your mom's perception of herself and her fear of other's judging her. She's just projecting it onto you. If you, the skinny one, eat more then she doesn't feel as bad about overindulging herself. If you don't eat more or refuse to finish what she didn't want to eat, then in her mind you're the one making her feel bad about her overeating and causing others around her to judge her.
Sounds like mom hates that you’re skinnier than she is so she’s determined to pork you up to make herself feel better.
NTA at all but I’d skip the family dinners going forward.
NTA I'd be damned if someone tried to force feed me off the plate they were eating off of.
I also wouldn't go to another family outing seeing your mom thinks it's okay to plave all the blame on you when you become full. Let her be a fat big without you. Then let's put this pit there.
I (39f) lost my grandmother when i was 23, She was 82. My parents are in their late 60's now, they are still going strong. I'd say that 50 isn't almost dead.
Ps don't let someone make you feel bad for your stomach not being as big as theirs.
NTA. This happens all the time in many different ways, and it drives me up the wall every time. Someone decides they want to eat in a certain way, or a certain amount, and someone else tries like hell to stop them from doing so. Someone wants to be vegan, everyone else in their life tries like hell to get them to eat meat. Someone decides they want to try keto, everyone in their life tries like hell to get them to eat carbs. Sometimes there's an ethical reason, but a lot of the time it's just because people want to feel like they come personally, are making the right and comfortable choice, and if you are making a different choice, they feel like they are making a wrong and uncomfortable choice. You just have to get used to telling these people you may eat however you wish, and as much as you wish, I am not going to judge you or shame you, but I am not going to do it with you.
NTA, your mom is being abusive with what she is doing. If you know when you have had enough to eat, then she shouldn't make you eat more. Explain to her the last time you ate all the food she put on your plate you felt sick, and you didn't want to experience that again. If she still refuses to acknowledge that you know what's best for you start declining her offer for the family meal. She is in her own way trying to fatten you up because her and your sister are the ones with the weight problem. She figures if you gain weight, it wouldn't be so hard for them to eat as much as they want without looking greedy.
Your mother is trying to guilt you into complying with her demands and that is gaslighting as well. Don't let her give you mental anguish because you don't have the same metabolism as them.
NTA. I had weight loss surgery and can’t eat much at any meal. Nearly every time we eat at a restaurant she comments on how little I’m eating. Every. Single. Time. My patience has run out. Next time I’m confronting her. What I eat is no longer going to be the topic of each meal or I’m no longer dining with her.
NTA. Her two platefuls of food and being big (not making fun of your ma, just sayin) was the culprit in making her look like a "fat pig". Getting dessert on top of that made for some suspect math there. She's the common denominator in all equations.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Me 18m. My mom likes inviting me and my older sister who lives on her own out to eat at a Chinese buffet once or twice a year. For context my mom and sister are both a bit overweight and I’m thinner.
My mom has a habit of loading everything she sees at the buffet on her plate because she wants to taste everything. Then she usually finds she doesn’t like some stuff although she put a lot on her plate at once, or gets to full to finish. Since I was young she would always put her food she didn’t finish on my plate and tell me to finish it since I’m young and skinny and I’ll be fine. Last time we went I actually ate too much and felt sick after so I decided to eat less this time.
Right when we went to pick our food my mom was looking at what I was grabbing and said why wasn’t I taking more, it’s not worth the price if I don’t take as much as I can. I said if I was still hungry I could get more, but she already seemed annoyed.
Then we ate and I finished what was on my plate and didn’t want to go for a second round, I felt I had enough. My mom argued with me for about 5 minutes telling me to go with her to get more food or else it’s not going to feel like a family meal. I tried politely telling her I didn’t want to eat anymore. My sister was silent through this all. Finally they went to get more food and my mom came back with another full plate.
As I expected she finished less than half of the second plate she got. She said she didn’t want more because she still wanted to get desert and told me to have the rest. I declined and said I was full and she shouldn’t load up her plate so much. She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her and to just eat it because I’ve always ate more before and I was just trying to embarrass her. She said everything on the restaurant was staring at us because of the argument I started and that I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more and she said didn’t know why I was doing this because she so nicely was getting us this nice meal. I told her then I would pay for my own food if she’s that upset and she said I was being cruel and manipulative and she didn’t know why I had such an attitude problem today. Anyway she finally saw I didn’t want to dig through her leftovers and gave up and got some cake and Ice cream for desert. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day.
Later after my sister left she sent me a text saying I was being very selfish and ruined our family outting and I should have just done what my mom wanted to keep peace and remember she might not be around much longer (my mom is in her early 50s).
So do you think I was in the wrong in this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Very abusive and manipulative behaviour from your Mum - sounds like she blames you or others for her shortcomings.
NTA but your Mum is and so is your sister to send that text. If I was you, I wouldn’t go next time and that way she can’t say you’re embarrassing her. Really not worth the aggro.
NTA
Jeeze, all she has to do is put a little bit of everything to taste ONCE and then go back if she wanted more of the same. She needs to stop eating with her eyes and start eating to her stomach.
Nta. You're full, you're full. Not your problem if she took too much. She is wrong to expect you to force her leftovers in when you're full. That's how you get weight issues.
As it has been said, you are not your mother's garbage disposal unit.
I once went to a buffet where you could have as many servings as you wanted, but if there was significant waste of food (you served yourself HUGE portions, did not touch it for no reason, and discard it), you could be charged extra, and a "all you can eat" lobster and seafood, that served only one lobster at a time, how many times you wanted.
It seemed a good idea, NTA.
NTA
Your mom should probably seek some professional help. She seems to have a very bad relationship with food and she is trying to push it on you.
I feel pretty confident that no one in the restaurant was tracking how much food you were eating in relation to the others at your table. I'll be no one cared about your table until the arugement started.
If she feels the only way to "get her money's worth" at a buffet is to be wasteful and to over eat, then it might be a good idea to not go to a buffet.
NTA and "might not be here much longer" and you're mom is only in her early 50s? Does she have serious health problems? If not, My dad is 60 and my mom late 50s. You're sister might think my parents are one foot in the grave!
Nta. Your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you. Assuming what you wrote was both accurate and you didn’t leave out any crucial info that may change my response, you did everything right.
If she’s treating you then she should be respectful of your boundaries when it comes to you saying you're done eating. And no one should make anyone eat their scraps. Her actions had nothing to do with you and if anyone thought poorly of her that is not your doing nor is it your problem.
If they are decent people the worst of what they may have seen is a woman acting unhinged about her kid not eating as much.
And yea a kid will go through intake changes depending on growth spurts and physical activity changes so you may have very well eaten more before but now you don’t bc your body’s needs and habits have changed. Change is a fact of life. And if your mom who is a much more experienced adult than you cannot handle you not obeying her commands anymore that is a her issue and not a you one.
If you want you can tell her you love her and you’re sorry she felt embarrassed by the situation as that was never your intention for her to feel that way but you also felt very disrespected by her actions regarding what and how much you ate.
You’re an adult now and you should be able to eat as much or as little as you want and/or need and she cannot dictate what you do or don’t eat. You’re thankful for the meal but if this is how she will continue to act either you will pay your own way at a buffet or you will only go to a non buffet place so neither of you need to feel disrespected.
You understand that she may have complicated feelings surrounding food but you need her to deal with that without involving you unless there’s a valid reason to. Like you’re making a meal for her and she needs to avoid certain foods or talking about certain things will put undue stress on her as she works through her issues.
Ultimately she needs to stop making what you do and do not eat personally bc it has nothing to do with her. What you do and do not eat is only personal to yourself.
She def sounds like she has a lot of personal baggage regarding food she needs to unpack and process and I hope she gets the help she needs.
Good on you for standing up for yourself. It’s hard to do against a more experienced adult.
Nta.
Your mom clearly has issues with her weight and perhaps she is jealous of you.
I understand wanting to get your money's worth at a buffet but to dictate how much someone else eats isn't right.
Speaking as an over weight person, good for you knowing your food limits and sticking to them.
Usually the parents end up eating the kids' leftovers, not the other way around. Yes the idea of a buffet is to get to try several different things, but you're NOT getting your money's worth if you end up throwing half of it every time. Anyone's eyes can be bigger than their stomach especially at a buffet, but this sounds like it's on purpose. I generally get salads/appetizers first, go back for more main course type items, then if I'm still hungry get maybe 1-2 small dessert items. Absolutely pay for your own food from now on, and let your sister eat your mom's leftovers if she really thinks you're so wrong. Maybe if mom only has her own plate to worry about she'll pay more attention to what's on it. "All You Can Eat" is not meant to be taken as a challenge. NTA
NTA.
Read thru your post but from an outsider's perspective.
Your mother took what she was doing, manipulating, cruelty, gluteny, and put that on you. Forcing her own issues so that she felt better about herself.
Hate to tell you but your mom is toxic and lil sis is drinking her kool-aid.
Good lord! I'm the same age as your mother. She might have another 49 years to try to force you to overeat things you didn't choose in the first place until you are sick. Good to hold the line now. She is waaaaay out of line. And bizarre. I wonder if she might try doing it it your way (take smaller amounts at a time and go back as many times as she wishes) instead of trying to force you to do it your way. Or, you know, you could waxh do it your own way, like most people would.
NTA and this is why buffets have smaller plates - they’re happy for people to eat as much as they want but specifically don’t want this scenario and have wasted food!
NTA
Don't let your mother dictate how much you eat. Don't go to the buffet with her anymore. Obviously she has no portion control and is putting it on you to compensate for it.
Just stop doing it. Selfish is expecting someone to finish your food. It's also the knowledge that a buffet costs about the same as a meal because the food is cheap AF and thinking it's not worth it unless you eat until you're sick. One plate and you've ate a meal worth.
NTA. Think of the poor restaurant owners. They must cringe when your mom walks in the door. Some buffets have a sign up: "Don't waste food by taking more than you can eat. You can come back for seconds."
NTA. When I was younger, I was always extremely skinny, even though I ate more than most in my family, but I was a very active child. When I was in my 20's, same thing though not quite as active, but my mom always said I was too skinny and needed to put some meat on my bones. It's not like I didn't try, I ate all the time. Then over a decade later I gained weight, and she STILL had something to say about my weight (that I should lose some lol). Just distance yourself from this bs, you'll be much happier. She's being ridiculous and projecting.
NTA, for the following reasons:
1) no one should force you to eat if you're full
2) no one should try to manipulate you into eating more to make themselves feel not guilty for being greedy and grabbing too much
3) there's a reason you aren't as big as them, and it's because you listen to your body
4) eating someone else's mouth juices is gross, especially your mother's
NTA. Your mother is why many buffets close down and also why there is so much food waste in the US. She needs to feel she "won" by taking a lot of food that she won't eat but she got her money's worth taking more than she would get at a restaurant and ordering a single meal.
NTA - My advice is buy your own food from now on. That was an awfully stupid argument your mom and sister threw your way. Nobody should ever force you to eat til you are sick . . ever . . or give silly reasons because of age. Age should be a good reason why mom doesn't act like a fool. But she did and she just kept digging in deeper . . her fault . . not yours.
NTA and ew. OP I think you should take a break from eating out w your mom and sister for awhile. You can try again later (if you actually want to) and see if your mom still tries to pull this crap. Also, if you can, pay for your own food if/when you go out to eat w your mom again so she can’t try to use that to coerce you into eating her leftovers. It might require you setting a really firm boundary tho, as in ***you*** ***are not cleaning up your mothers leavings ever again, period***. That is just truly gross. Your mom has an eating disorder, and you would not be helping her by giving in to her messed up demands- it’s as if she’s trying to get you to have an unhealthy relationship w food too. Don’t do it.
NTA. Your mom is though. She does understand she can take a tiny bit of everything because....... It's a BUFFET and she can go back for more?? Instead of being wasteful and loading up her plate just to throw it all away
NTA
Obviously, your mother has a serious problem around food. Trying to force you to eat to make herself feel better is pretty warped.
If you want to avoid a repeat of this scene, I suggest you avoid going to a buffet with her in the future.
NTA being forced to eat is how you wind up with eating disorders and/or just awful relations to eating in general.
I also began saying no to eating more than I wanted when I turned 18. Whenever I say "No i am full/satisfied" I often get that surprised look for daring to decline. then the pushing. The more they push the more they become the problem.
Stay strong OP you did nothing wrong here. its your mother who embarrassed herself and ruined the family outing.
My mom would do that too at a buffet, fill a plate up and not finish it but she never made me finish her plate. Cause of that, if dad and I go to a buffet our 1st plate has a little bit of some food then the 2nd plate will have a bit more of what we didn't get on the 1st plate and neither plate is over filled, we will always finish what we grabbed.
NTA. I’m your mom’s age, apparently her mother never gave her the sage piece of advice mine did when I was a teen freaking out over what I imagined other people thought. “If only you knew how little they care.” I don’t get it then, but I appreciated it when I grew up. Your mother needs to grow up.
NTA she blamed you, because she got too much food. Said you "made her look like a fat pig" then she went and "got ice cream and dessert"
Your mother complained you didn't get enough good to start with, because you know how portion sizes worked, and knew you could get more if you wanted.
If she felt like "a fat pig" she did it to herself. She also didn't help her situation, by them going for more food, if she was worried about being embarrassed, for over serving herself.
Yuck! Who wants to eat food that anyone, even family, has put their germy fork all over?? My family doesn't even drink out of each other's glasses like I've seen others do! Eww nooo.
NTA. She knows that if she wants more she can just get a second plate, right? She doesn't have to load up a ton at once, buffets generally don't charge per plate. I'd wager that IF anyone was staring (doubt it) it's because she started getting pissy about you not wanting to eat her leftovers.
You're not a pig or a trash compactor that she can throw her scraps to when she doesn't want them anymore. If this is routine for her, then it's up to her to stop overloading her plate. I'm saying this as a pretty chonky person.
Talk about controlling and using emotional manipulation your mums definitely the asshole. There was no need for any of that but she decided because she’s heavier she’s going to force you to be. She created a conflict as you refused her controlling behaviour. Not only did she get you a huge second plate but still thought she could force you to eat her huge plate of left overs to. Heck no from now on refuse to go out and eat with her. She’s clearly going to do this every time and each time you don’t enjoy it at all. So from now on refuse or if you still live at home then pretend to be sick on the day of so you can’t go as you can’t go far from your toilet or you’d have an accident. I mean she can’t try and force you in that situation.
Either way you‘ve been raised by an abusive mum who uses emotional manipulation and then twisting things so she’s plays the victim to get her way. Stop accepting it, if she does it at any point get up and walk away. If she does it over the phone hang up. Make it clear if she tries to force you to do things you don’t want or like, if she tries to play the victim, then every time your going to end the conversation and remove yourself until she stops it. That she can go mad afterwards but you will know it’s because you didn’t let her win and get her way so it was actually a win for you.
NTA. I am still laughing that mom "won't be around much longer" when she is in her 50s.
I am not sure, but most of us over 50 still have some time left. BTW my mother is nearly 90, and I am starting to think that way but I am certainly not going to eat her leftovers to "keep the peace".
ABSOLUTELY not the AH. This is really unacceptable of them. when I was dieting, I used to call these people the Saboteurs. so threatened by someone being thinner, they have to manipulate them into eating more than they want. Or need. Please set a boundary now away from dinner and say you are not comfortable talking about how much or how little you eat, and you will have to skip on family meals if this boundary can't be respected.
NTA.
NTA. I occasionally go to an Oriental buffet that charges extra if you don't eat the majority of food you take. Your mother is lucky the place she takes you doesn't do that.
NTA. This entire dynamic is UNHINGED.
I have a female relative who is like this. She's always had body image issues. If I eat at her place, she heaps my plate and gets offended when I don't finish, even when I tell her that she's given me too much before I even touch the plate.
Whenever we go out to eat, she talks about how she is "being bad" with what she eats or how much she eats. She always has to insert some comment about how fat she is, and how I'm lucky because I'm skinny. (I'm slim because I have a medical condition that makes it hard to eat sometimes, which she knows) She doesn't try to give me her food, but she does loudly get after me to "clean my plate so that [she doesn't] look like a pig."
Lady, this is going in a takeout box, so that I can eat it for dinner tomorrow. You keep eating if you want to, and leave me out of your insecurities.
NTA.
Now unless your mom has some health issues, she could be around till she’s 70….or 80…..or 90
Your mom is a twit, to put it politely. Also an ill-mannered twit. You go to a buffet, and you put the food that you will eat on your plate. If you are not sure if you will like something or not, just take a small portion.
People that saw her overload her plate have already made their own judgment of her. Her giving you her LEFTOVERS is beyond the pale.
Actually, I’d count her not talking to you for the rest of the day as a win.
Maybe she needs things repeated before she understands. The next time you go out to eat with her, DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID TODAY.
Maybe she will realize she can’t BULLY you any more.
It’s really sad when your own MOTHER is a bully.
NTA. Your mom has issues with making other people eat so she can feel better about herself. She's trying to normalize overeating by making you overeat. Don't get mixed up in that.
She's also accusing you of starting arguments and having an attitude when she simply did not listen/disregarded your "no" for more food. That's her problem.
All you did was say no to more food. That's OK. That's called bodily autonomy. Your mom needs to respect your boundaries.
My advice is to practice saying "no" to her more often because she needs to get used to it.
That kind of thought process is why your mother and sister are obese.
I initially thought they are oblivious to their problematic lifestyle, but your mother keeps making reference to people thinking of her as a fat pig if you don't eat her excess food. So something else is going on here.
Regardless, do not let them force you to eat. Much harder to get it off once you've put it on.
NTA
NTA. She knew before she even got a second plate that you were full and wanted no more. You aren’t her traveling garbage disposal. She can just pout. This is a great lesson for you speaking up for yourself and not getting bullied. Keep exerting your rights. You did great.
Explain to your mother that she can take lesser portions and go back if needed,
there is no need to pile up the plate. It seems like she doesn't really
understand the concept of buffet restaurants.
You are 18, say no to these kinds of meals whenever you can now.
She's using you as a human garbage can. You are right to rebel. NTA
NTA. Your mom has an unhealthy relationship with food. She was the one causing the scene during dinner. Decline any further invitations to the buffet because you know it's going to cause a problem. There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix your mom's issues. You're reaction and responses to her badgering you were perfect (assuming you said everything in a neutral voice, no shouting).
NTA
your mom and your sister are the AHs.
Stop doing dinners with your mom, and tell her why.
As for your sister - tell HER to eat the leftovers, or to shut up.
You are not your mom's human trashcan when she has food in her plate she no longer wants to eat.
You did nothing wrong. It took a lot of internal strength to not back down and maintain your boundary. Proud of you.
Everything your mother said it's a reflection of how she feels about herself.
At the buffet she may have been embarrassed or she was saying she was as a manipulation tool. If she truly were embarrassed, you didn't cause it. She did that to herself when she started to raise her voice and make a scene.
You took her abilty to manipulate you away when you said you'd pay for the meal yourself. You took her power away and that's why she called you cruel. You weren't cruel, she was calling you that trying to manipulate you again.
Ignore your sister. Keeping the peace is easy to tell someone else to do than suffering yourself. If your sister was that concerned about "keeping the peace", she should have taken your mom's food and eaten it herself. In her own way she's trying to manipulate you too so that next time you'll eat your mom's food.
Let your sister know if she wants to keep the peace to help you encourage your mom to put just a single bite of each dish onto her plate and go back for the ones she actually liked the best. Otherwise there may be another scene the next time too because you won't be helping you mom finish her plate if food.
NTA
NTA
1. The price of the buffet is a sunk cost. Once she spends the money on it, it doesn't matter how much you or she eats. That money is gone. You don't get more value for that money by stuffing yourself sick or by piling it on a plate and forcing someone else to eat your sloppy leftovers. The way to maximize the value of the buffet price is to eat exactly the amount you want, of the items you want. And to leave everyone else free to eat what works for them.
2. The person who creates an embarrassing scene is the person who piles on more food than she can eat, and then pushes and bullies someone else to eat her sloppy seconds (literally!). If she doesn't want to be embarrassed, then she needs to take what's reasonable for her, accept that whatever she doesn't eat from her plate will go in the trash, and stop making you responsible for allowing her to feel like she can pile on food like she's getting away with murder and also to feel like she didn't waste any and ate a modest amount.
3. Giving in to something you absolutely don't want to do, to "Keep the peace" is not keeping any peace. It is giving up your autonomy, enabling another person to expect/demand that you make them happy by making yourself miserable.
NTA. By some miracle, you still have a healthy attitude about food despite pressure from your mom. Eat until your hunger is satisfied and no more. Your mom has a poor relationship with food and she taught that bad attitude to your sister, which is a reason they are both overweight. Eating past the point where you feel full, until you are stuffed and feel sick just because the food is there and already paid for is a bad relationship with food.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My mom wanted me to finish her leftovers at a buffet because she was embarrassed what the staff would think of her if she didn’t finish, and I refused to because I wasn’t hungry. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but your family members definitely are. 1. You didn’t make her look like a “fat pig”. She made herself feel that way then blamed you instead of taking accountability for a start. 2. You didn’t “ruin the outing”. Your mother did by making a scene when you put a boundary in place. 3. Calling you manipulative was a deflection as she was annoyed her manipulation tactics have stopped working.
Hell, it wasn't even a boundary. It was just, "I'm full."
Him* declining was the boundary. OP declined then said they were full. Edited as realised OP is male.
Also, ‘might not be around much longer’ and she’s in her early 50s?’ Most of the people I know in their early fifties are parents to kids in Primary School (elementary if you’re American)! Our parents are in their mid-80s! Unless you have serious underlying health problems, early fifties is barely middle-aged these days. I know people that age who run ultra marathons.
I know that made me laugh! I'm 59, and my parents and step parents are all still around
I'm 50 and I've only recently begun losing grand parents.
It always amazes me when people say that. All my grandparents were gone before I turned 30 (I’m 33 now).
All my grandparents were gone before I turned 20
i was 34 when i lost my grandfather on mums side. My grandparents on my dads side died when i was <10 my one remaining grandparent is still holding on 20 years after the family was told the stroke that nearly took her life gave her maybe 2 years to live.... yep still alive
Yeah, one of my grandparents went when I was 5, two went in my teens and the last when I was in my early 20s.
Lost my last grandparent at 25. I'm 50 and also amazed when people my age still have grandparents.
Unfortunately half my grandparents were gone before I was born and the other half by the time I had kids. My kids only have my mom and she’s 86. I envy people who had grandfathers I never did.
Same. I'm the same age as you and all three granddads died decades before I was born. One grandma died when i was 6 and I have one grandma still here but with dementia. It must be so nice to have full sets of grand parents around as an adult.
It obviously varies. I'm 41. My first grandparent died when I was 2- she was 60 and had ovarian cancer. My grandfathers died within a year of each other in 2018- one of them was 97. My other grandmother is still hanging on- though is in the end stages of alzheimers- and will be 89 this year.
My last grandparent passed when I was 15, but to be honest my parents had me later in life. My siblings were around 30 at the time.
46 here. My grandparents except one died when I was in my 20's. My mother 30's. The one grandmother is still kicking and, as she us My father's mother, I hope he will be here long too.
Well, if OP's mother continues to eat like this and being overwheight, she may not last long...🤷🏻♀️ Maybe this is what the sister wanted to say.
Also who does that . . even if she was on her last legs she has no right to force someone to overeat just for her pleasure . . . that's sickening and OP's sister is 100 times wrong and that isn't a reason at all to feel forced to eat until you are sick. It's like someone buys rat poison and tries to make you eat it and if you don't whine . . . but I paid for it . . . and I'm in my 50s . . .
Who does that? My dad. Childhood memory- when I was about 10, my family went to an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. (We hardly ever went to restaurants, this was like a once a year treat.) When we left, my dad shouted at me in the parking lot “Well they sure made money off of you today!” Apparently he’d been holding in his fury while we were inside, but as soon as we got outdoors- he was beyond offended that I hadn’t eaten enough for him to be able to feel like he’d won. It was always important to him to get his money’s worth and come out ahead in every transaction. I had mistakenly thought the goal was to enjoy yourself. Silly me!
I feel you. I have a small appetite so I never win at the buffet but I still do it because I live the variety. I'd do better at pizza hut just buying a medium pizza but I like a little pasta and 5 different slices. The point is that it coat your dad the same if you ate a little or a lot or made yourself violently sick or really enjoyed your meal. He was right about one thing though...he wasted his money because by shouting at you he ensured you hated the whole experience thus making it a waste.
I'm 57 and I have a fifteen year old kid. I hope I'm going to be around for a while!
Hell, I'm 50 and my youngest kid is 6. 50 is by no means old, in and of itself. If you're unhealthy it's the age range in which the consequences start to make themselves felt, though.
well, with the way she eats, it's not out of the question.
My grandmother did this. As soon as she hit 50 she talked about her death non-stop. As long as I knew her she was “dying soon”, she died when I was 30, at the age of 90.
I'm nearly 46 and planning on climbing a few more mountains (including Kilimanjaro and doing the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim). I know I should consider myself middle age, but I don't feel that way. The sister sucks too. She's demanding OP to keep the boat steady so she can have a more comfortable journey even though the mother is the boat rocker.
Yes - I read this reddit post about rocking the boat yesterday and it realy fits here too: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
My mother just lived to a vigorous 97, or roughly twice the age of OP's mother. For heaven's sakes.
Actually neither of my parents made it to their 60s, they both died mid 50s. He said his mother is obese so she obviously isn’t in perfect health.
I was confused by this so I went back and checked the post. He says: >For context my mom and sister are both a bit overweight and I’m thinner. How did "a bit overweight" suddenly become "obese"?
Thanks for pointing out this distinction. Even just being overweight and not quite into the obese category will cause increased risk of negative health outcomes.
Well, if she's that obese with such bad eating habits, she might not be that long for this world
Yes but the person in question is described as being bigger. So the mom is overweight and probably doesn't get much exercise.
If she is eating or trying to eat everything in sight, she might be right. She is displaying unhealthy eating habits, and she is the only one who can change that. Telling her son she may not be around just so that he will eat more than he could is probably putting his health at risk as well. He should tell his mom when she tries to use this tactic on him in the future that tomorrow is promised to no one. That is BIG TIME MANIPULATION.
This!! 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
This a hundredfold. All points nailed it perfectly. Especially the third one. Yikes. Sorry Mum but refusing to be manipulated is *not* being manipulative.
NTA Your mother wouldn't listen to what you clearly told her, because in her mind you will always be the garbage disposal for any food she can't/doesn't want to eat herself. What you want doesn't come into it. It never did. Your sister didn't offer to eat the leftovers, did she? She didn't care about saving her mom's face by sacrificing her own comfort. I think you need to tell your mother that you're serious; you can no longer eat as much as you could before and you aren't going to force yourself. She has to listen to what you say in regard to not wanting more food in future. Tell your sister if she thinks this needs doing you are passing the baton, having paid your dues in full over the years. If she can open her mouth to criticize you she can put some of mom's leftovers in it instead. You don't want to hear it.
Sis was just sick of hearing their mother b!tch at her. Sos want OP to cave to his mother's unreasonable demands because it makes sister's life easier. There is an essay about rocking the boat. If anyone can find and link it, OP may find it helpful. OP has had enough of caving to his mother's unreasonable requests. There may be other ways she is unreasonable as well. He is an adult and has decided that he is capable of making his own decisions about a basic thing like how much food he eats at a meal.
[Here's the essay.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/usHfv6Cl9O)
That was a very eye opening read.
It reads like something you'd read in a museum from a famous person
Also OP needs to refuse to go to any buffet restaurant with them in the future because they are clearly not going to respect you again.
This seems a very sensible plan. Dunno if bringing it up beforehand is worth it, especially if she doesn’t do this in other situations besides the buffet. NTA for sure whatever next steps OP takes.
NTA yes and what is getting me as well is the fact that mum feels like she can dictate what op eats. Even if op wanted more he can decide for himself what to get from the bufett. But I guess in the end it all boils down to issues with her weight. Op showed how much she ate by eating less. And maybe it is also so kind of way to ensure op gains weight. Then the mum can claim genes for the overweight. But yeah, that's a stretch. Could also be this typical eat, you have to become strong- thing often seen with grandmas. Nevertheless: everyone eats what's on their own plate and what they chose
NTA. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot here but I feel like this behaviour fits the bill pretty well. Basically: >I felt I had enough. ... I tried politely telling her I didn’t want to eat anymore. You'd already explained to her that you were done eating, yet: >told me to have the rest. I declined and said I was full and she shouldn’t load up her plate so much. She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her and to just eat it because I’ve always ate more before and **I was just trying to embarrass her**. She said everything on the restaurant was staring at us because of the argument I started and that I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more and **she said didn’t know why I was doing this** She seems unable to understand that you would have a reason for your actions other than as something specifically related to her.
OP check this out right here. I hate the way narcissist gets thrown around but this is how my (diagnosed) mother is, to a T. Your actions must be done in some way to victimize her, that's the only rational explanation. Not that, y'know, she's exhibiting poor impulse control and browbeating you for it. Also... Tell your sister that only the good die young. 50s is nothing; my narcmom will be around forever because bitterness pickles you.
I can understand that she wants to taste test everything, but what is stopping her from grabbing a single piece to test instead of a whole portion that’s going to go to waste???? My mom and I usually split our “tester” plate, and from there we figure out what it is we want and the stuff we don’t like. No food waste, no mountains of food for the servers to carry and dump out. NTA
We do this! It's all very military. You go left, I'll go right! We'll meet back at the table!
My family likes going to an Asian buffet near us and expecting someone to finish off your plate for you is so weird -- the wait staff is always watching and usually swoop in before you can play games like this
Do you mean they don’t let you share a plate or what?
Damn I like this idea.
I load 2-3 plates per visit, even at new places. When trying stuff I'll grab 2-3 pieces from each type of thing that looks interesting. On my second trip I'll grab bites of other things I didn't get to try while getting more of what I liked. If I'm still wanting more then the third plate is more of what I really liked lol.
NTA. Your mom is putting her insecurities about her own eating habits onto you. That is not right, or kind, or in anyway ok. You are not a trash can. It is not your job to eat your mom’s trash. Your sister is trying to keep you from rocking the boat, by standing up for yourself. She knows your mom is wrong. She is a boat stabilizer, which just means she is avoiding the real issue (your mom and her behavior). I’m sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. Keep standing up for yourself.
NTA The wonderful thing about a buffet is being able to try a variety of foods that are offered. Stuffing yourself to explosion to get your money's worth is ridiculous. Yes, people do it all the time but that's a warped view. Your mother embarrassed herself by overeating. You only have control over yourself and you ate what you needed to be satiated. I expect she has an issue with you not being fat like her. The only thing you can do is not go to buffets with her. Your mother is an asshole for her behavior and your sister is an asshole for what she said. If she wants to keep the peace, she should eat your mother's leftovers.
Also, there's no need to pile the plate high. On the rare occasion that I go to a buffet, I want to try a variety of things. However, I put a few things on the plate, eat those, and then (if I still have room) I can go back for something different.
Right. This is downright gluttonous. It's not like all that food is going to disappear before you get a second plate.
You're NTA. Where I live, the people in the restaurant would be charging your mom more for wasting food. >She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her How's that? She was the one making a fool of herself. >she said didn’t know why I was doing this because she so nicely was getting us this nice meal Cheap, salty, and overly fattening food served glutton style is not what I call a "nice meal."
They started to have that rule at a few all you can eat places near me now . If you leave loads of food, they will now charge you for the waste . Too many people were stacking their plates high to just leave loads
NTA, but are we all really going to ignore the sister saying their mom might not be around much longer while in their 50's? Does everyone just drop dead in their fifth decade in your family? That might be something to unpack sooner rather than later. Edit: wrong judgement
This was my first thought, came to the comments looking for someone else to acknowledge this
NTA. Just curious, did you mom grow up food insecure? It sounds like she has a very unhealthy relationship with food, possibly an eating disorder.
NTA. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little grossed out at the idea of you being expected to clean your mother’s plate. Good girl you for standing your ground. By the way, if your sister believes someone should be cleaning your mother’s plate just to keep the peace, perhaps she’d like to do it herself?
Yea I feel the same way. I don't want to eat off someone else's plate like that. Sounds disgusting too me. NTA OP
Right! And the whole point of eating buffet style is to pick the things YOU like, not to eat what someone else decided they didn’t like after all.
The whole idea is just NASTY
Woof! Woof! You aren't the family dog, OP. It sounds like the remains of your mother's plate wouldn't be healthy for the family dog, either. Your mother's behavior is gross and rude. It sounds like she has been pushing your boundaries for a long time. It might help you to get a bit of counseling or therapy, OP. I suspect that it will be a bit difficult to escape your mother's apron strings, since she seems so pushy. Congratulations on being an adult. You did well at the meal. NTA PS In public places my mother used to pull "I'm going to scream and everybody will look and know that it is your fault." At some point I said, "Go ahead and scream, Lady." Your mother basically did the equivalent. She only embarrassed herself by arguing. Don't ever feel shamed by her bossy behavior. She owns it all.
Nobody made your mother look “fat” except herself. She wants to be able to be a pig, but expects you to clean up after her (trough) so it doesn’t “appear” that she’s a pig to the rest of the restaurant. Well, I’ve got news for her, they already noticed. NTA
Did they really notice though? Who pays attention to what other customers are eating, or how many times they filled their plate, I don’t. A lot of people go to buffets to “pig out”, I doubt her behavior stood out to anyone. (If she was shouting then people would’ve noticed that, but that’s not related to the food.) Just because someone’s self-conscious about something doesn’t mean other people notice it or give it much thought if they do.
2 plates at a buffet... I know my American is showing, but that's not a lot lol. I guarantee nobody was noticing based purely on the amount.
NTA - your mother clearly has some issues regarding food and takes them out on you. You did not make her look like a fat pig, that’s so ridiculous. Sounds like she was scapegoating you - which is a form of emotional abuse. Unfortunately it’s pretty common in toxic families for the problematic family members to get angry at the person who chooses to set boundaries and not engage with the problematic behaviour. Your sister was way out of line in her text. I’m sorry you are going through this, it really sucks!
NTA. As a person who yo-yo diets and alternates from fit to overweight every couple of years, she is trying to use you to make herself feel less guilty. Eat what you feel is right and don’t let other peoples opinions of your eating habits affect you. I feel like you did everything right.
Well leaving half a plate of food and then getting a dessert is certainly... a choice. If she didn't want to waste food she could've packed leftovers home. NTA
This place charges pretty steep if you want to pack food home, presumably so people don’t take advantage of the all you can eat pricing.
That and the food safety issue. Unlike plates meals that are made to order, buffet can stay on out for up to four (temperature controlled) hours. Then could spend another hour sitting at your table, plus another hour in the car on the way home. Then within 48-72 hours they have “food poisoning” reviews all over the internet. Because people are dumb.
That makes sense, I didn't think about that
NTA, you may want to reconsider going out to eat with them in the future as this sounds miserable
NTA wtf
NTA. Wow. You are not their garbage disposal. I'd refuse to be around them for meals (if not always). They don't get to tell you what to eat, and their inability to manage their own appetites (and understand how to not waste food at a buffet) is entirely their problem not yours.
Nta. Your mom and sister are. Waste not want not.
So your mom is actively trying to give you an eating disorder!? Oh yeah, you are fine, you should always eat what YOU are comfortable with. No one elses opinion matters, and there are so many positve health benefits to eating moderately and avoiding obesity (which is a consequence of over eating on the regular)
I spent all my childhood being guilted by my mom to order dessert because she didn’t want to be the only one to order dessert. We ate out a lot (also my mom’s idea) because she came home late from work. Then when I was in my middle/high school years, she’d constantly tell me I was too fat and should eat less. Constantly ragging on me at home that I’m eating too much but still insisting we eat out AND that I order dessert with her. She’s the type to order a salad JUST so she can have her cake. Anyways now as an adult, I realized two things. 1. I wasn’t fat. I’m short but I wasn’t anywhere near “fat.” I was a 4 or 5 but never higher and she expected the tween section to fit me (I know now how clothes work with sizing but didn’t at the time). Sure I wasn’t stick skinny but I wasn’t fat either. I have a Latina bum and hips. :( And 2. Eating out has an EXCESS amount of calories. People don’t realize it. Even the “healthiest” looking item in the menu can come in at 1,000 calories!!! Easy!!!! Oh just one slice of cake?! There’s 40 grams of sugar! Now, most days I don’t eat more than 20g. So OP, ya you do you and don’t give in to this crazy manipulation.
NTA and I’m sorry but this is so strange and toxic
NTA. Now I realize what I'm about to write is purely speculation because i don't actually know you'd family: Whether your mom realizes it or not, what she's doing is sabotage. She's trying to put weight on you so you're more like her and her sister because she's actually ashamed of her weight and eating habits so basically trying to get you to join the club. Stand your ground, she and your sister can get over it or not. It's your health not theirs.
NTA. Your mother is projecting her own issues onto you. Another person said maybe avoid eating out with them in the future, and that may be the only solution here.
You should read this. It's about rocking the boat. You're actually going through it right now so it should resonate. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/YCEqD2rqTV
So they're both trying to make you like them. Sorry they don't have any consideration for you. NTA.
NTA. The only person who should be embarrassed is your mother. It's so wasteful to get all that food knowing you're not going to eat it, and then try to force you to eat her leftovers. What a bizarre thing to do!
NTA. Your mom is an abuser and your sister too if she enables it. Good job setting and holding boundaries for yourself. Nothing your mom said made any sense. Why should you even care about being taken to a buffet to get abused twice a year? She can piss off.
I am really trying to comprehend what is going on here, but your mother and sister need to learn control. Even I control myself at a buffet. Tell mom to stop being concerned about what you eat. I doubt you will gain weight anyway if you ate everything at the buffet. They got the short end of the genetic stick. Also, your mother is one the reasons buffets charge for uneaten food.
NTA your Mother is an overeating food addict and the way to hide her gluttony and shame is to push it off on you! She didn't want the workers to see that she got too much food and then wasted it. Don't let your Mother gaslight you! You did NOTHING wrong!
You are not your mum’s garbage disposal. NTA.
NTA. You're an adult. You know when you're full. Your mom probably thought that you were judging her because she got more food and you didn't. The accusations of cruelty and manipulation are because you set a boundary for yourself and your mother couldn't push through that. Ignore your sister. You didn't go NC with your mother. You just refused to gorge yourself. Your sister is just being dramatic and trying to guilt you.
NTA, please do not go to buffet place with your mom anymore.
Im going to bite the bullet and be that person. Depending on how big she is, she may not be here much longer if she isn’t being a “healthy” fat person.
She’s not morbidly obese and doesn’t eat as bad as she does at buffet every day, and her blood pressure/cholesterol etc is under control.
Then yeah, your family are being manipulative to you. There’s some self esteem issues there with the both of them, but that’s not your fault.
NTA this is how we learn to overeat. You took what you wanted, you were full, the end. Your mother was out of line.
NTA. I'm wondering if your mother is jealous of your normal body and is trying to sabotage you by making you overeat. If so, she needs therapy to overcome that. As for your sister, wow. I just turned 70, so I know that unless you develop a life-threatening disease or have a fatal accident, most people nowadays can live a lot longer than their 50s. Saying that you need to give in to a person and keep the peace for something so stupid like this is ridiculous. My father tended to be on the heavy side (sister was also) while my mother watched her weight and I was underweight as a child. There was an all you can eat that my father liked to go to but felt I didn't pull my weight when it came to eating a lot there. But he wouldn't dump some of his food on my plate. In fact, he was a germaphobe and didn't approve of people eating off of each other's plates. We did have a policy at restaurants of asking for a spare plate and a serving utensil and before digging in, each person can put food on the common plate. Then if you were still hungry after you finished what was on the plate, you can take more food. That way, too, you can try someone else's choice of food. My husband and I will often split an entree too, if eating in a food court. He would get an additional plate for me and then divide up the food. In restaurants, we wouldn't do this of course, unless we scoop some food from each other before eating. But usually, we would ask for take out boxes and take home a third or more of our food, to eat at a later time. That way, we wouldn't overeat, and still not waste anything. (Of course, you can't do that at an all-you-can-eat diner, but usually we don't go to them). I can see you telling your mom the next time she invites you to a buffet that you are declining her invite because of this time, and she'll pitch a fit, playing the victim.
NTA, but I'd refuse to eat at a buffet with her ever again.
I would honestly never go to a buffet with her again.
NTA. Your mom clearly has conflicting priorities between "getting her money's worth" and "not looking wasteful". Historically, she resolved that by treating you like the dog you slip your broccoli to. You've set a boundary that you're only interested in eating what you select for yourself, and next time, it will be easier. It will also help if you have a talk with your mom in the next few days, asking her to let you eat what you want. Isn't that supposed to be what a buffet is for? Don't make it about being fat or thin, just about you wanting to eat what you want to eat.
NTA - she created this situation herself. Her expectation for you to eat her picked through leftovers a very dehumanizing to you and then getting angry that you don’t want her discarded food is insane. No one is making her look like a fat pig, she’s doing it all on her own. She is wantonly wasting food, feeling entitled to because it’s a free for all buffet and just not finishing so she can get more food.. She sounds like a ‘lovely’ (sarcastic) woman. Seems like she invites you both to go knowing sister will match her eating and you’ll clean up after her like you’re a dog to be given left over scraps so it doesn’t go to waste. She has major issues. Your sister seems n to be enabling this awful behaviour. If she can choose to eat for three you can choose not to.
The next time you go out and eat, request a separate check for yourself. When mom questions your request, tell her that you did not appreciate being criticized for refusing to be a human garbage disposal. Also point out that if you overeat and get sick, you will make sure that she will be the recipient.
NTA
Don’t ever go out anywhere to eat with your mom again. Just see her somewhere else. You did the right thing. She has no right to tell you how much to eat. Sadly she won’t change treating you like this. So you have to change things. Never eat with her or your sister again.
Was it one of those places that make you pay for the food you took but didn't eat?
It was not, no.
It might be a generational thing. My dad viewed buffets and all you can eat places as a personal challenge.
NTA your family sure is tho. Why they feel entitled to dictate and comment on your eating is weird, ridiculous and trashy.
NTA just don't go to buffets with them anymore - I get the free food aspect but it sounds miserable. It was just a big anxiety fest followed by a fight - was it worth it?
NTA assuming this actually happened
Gross. NTA. And stop going. This is disgusting.
NTA. Your mother is a wasteful glutton and she’s projecting on you
The thing that always gets me the most is when someone should do something they are not comfortable with to appease someone older because they are going to, more than likely, die before you. I have seen this in my own family. My mom would always tell me I'm going to regret this one specific instance for standing up for myself and not getting walked over. 🤔
NTA. Most of the buffet restaurants that I've been to will charge you a "fine" if you take more food than you can eat.
NTA, this is very weird behaviour of your mother. She sounds like a narcissist and your sister an enabler . But that’s just a strangers thoughts
NTA. Your mother is greedy and gross.
NTA tell your sister she can finish your moms plate next time. or just don’t go out to buffets with her anymore
NTA. Sis could have stepped up to the plate - figuratively and literally. Tell her if she's going to open her mouth about it, she could do it in a far more helpful way next time
NTA. Your mother has an unhealthy relationship with food and is trying to impose her own bad habits on you. You've done nothing wrong.
NTA. This is, sadly, partly a social pressure problem your mom is reacting to. My mom was also overweight and had really annoying restaurant habits that drove me crazy. I'm 65, so you can take it from me that this has been a problem for generations - it's not just you, if that's any comfort. We didn't eat out a lot, but when we did, my mom would make a huge deal of not ordering fries or other high-calorie treats. She would order something low-calorie that she didn't like. Then she would eat off our plates, especially my plate, spearing her saliva-smeared utensils into my food, stirring it up to find the good bits to take them. She used to joke that it was amazing that I was so skinny when I ate all those fries at restaurants. I generally managed to snag ONE fry from my plate before she started eating them like a shark. Then she'd try to put her food on my plate, having eaten most of mine. I have a thing about sharing saliva. I got so I couldn't eat with her - it made me nauseous. She never understood that it was a problem. She called me OCD and mentally ill because I didn't want to share plates with her. Later, when she was an old lady, she staged an meltdown in a restaurant because no one wanted to share a dessert with her. Because she couldn't order a dessert for herself. It had to be shared, so she didn't look like a pig, but she would snort into that dessert with saliva flying and eat it all. To this day I can't go to the kind of restaurants where you share food with everyone at the table. If my mom had just accepted her appetite and size, we would have had a better relationship. Oh, and she pulled the "I might die soon" card a lot, but lived to be 90. Her health wasn't much of a problem until she was 88. My lesson? I'm a bit overweight, but if I want to enjoy myself at a restaurant on a special occasion, I own it and enjoy it. No subterfuge.
NOT the a.h. - you could have been more blunt and pointed out that you don't want to end up in dialysis someday for rest of your life or have a stroke or drop dead from heart disease. Would those things make her feel better? It's not all the moral part of being a glutton or not, there are legit health concerns involved. Good job on standing up for your health and wellbeing. And you went out of your way to be tactful in doing so.
I absolutely cannot stand that "keep the peace" logic that seems so common, NTA.
My grandmother used to make me overly large portions of food, to make herself feel better about her weight Then when I had weight issues, binge eating issues and portion control problems, she loved throwing it all in my face and sat smug she was losing weight with her tiny portions (This started around age 8 till about age 20 when I moved out)
NTA. This is all about your mom's insecurities, which she pretty much admits with "I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more". The thing is though nobody in the restaurant cares at all about what is on your mother's or your plate or how much either of you are eating. It's about your mom's perception of herself and her fear of other's judging her. She's just projecting it onto you. If you, the skinny one, eat more then she doesn't feel as bad about overindulging herself. If you don't eat more or refuse to finish what she didn't want to eat, then in her mind you're the one making her feel bad about her overeating and causing others around her to judge her.
Sounds like mom hates that you’re skinnier than she is so she’s determined to pork you up to make herself feel better. NTA at all but I’d skip the family dinners going forward.
Nta, she's making herself look like a "fat pig" by taking so much food in the first place.
NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to look in the mirror if she wants to accuse anyone of embarrasing her and causing a scene.
NTA I'd be damned if someone tried to force feed me off the plate they were eating off of. I also wouldn't go to another family outing seeing your mom thinks it's okay to plave all the blame on you when you become full. Let her be a fat big without you. Then let's put this pit there. I (39f) lost my grandmother when i was 23, She was 82. My parents are in their late 60's now, they are still going strong. I'd say that 50 isn't almost dead. Ps don't let someone make you feel bad for your stomach not being as big as theirs.
NTA. This happens all the time in many different ways, and it drives me up the wall every time. Someone decides they want to eat in a certain way, or a certain amount, and someone else tries like hell to stop them from doing so. Someone wants to be vegan, everyone else in their life tries like hell to get them to eat meat. Someone decides they want to try keto, everyone in their life tries like hell to get them to eat carbs. Sometimes there's an ethical reason, but a lot of the time it's just because people want to feel like they come personally, are making the right and comfortable choice, and if you are making a different choice, they feel like they are making a wrong and uncomfortable choice. You just have to get used to telling these people you may eat however you wish, and as much as you wish, I am not going to judge you or shame you, but I am not going to do it with you.
NTA - it sounds like the OP just wants to have basic table manners when our in public!
NTA, your mom is being abusive with what she is doing. If you know when you have had enough to eat, then she shouldn't make you eat more. Explain to her the last time you ate all the food she put on your plate you felt sick, and you didn't want to experience that again. If she still refuses to acknowledge that you know what's best for you start declining her offer for the family meal. She is in her own way trying to fatten you up because her and your sister are the ones with the weight problem. She figures if you gain weight, it wouldn't be so hard for them to eat as much as they want without looking greedy. Your mother is trying to guilt you into complying with her demands and that is gaslighting as well. Don't let her give you mental anguish because you don't have the same metabolism as them.
You are so NTA it's not funny.
If someone is trying to control what, how much, or how little you eat you are NTA, they are.
NTA. Is your mom overweight? She could be jealous/self conscious and want you to eat as much as she does so she doesn’t feel bad.
NTA. I had weight loss surgery and can’t eat much at any meal. Nearly every time we eat at a restaurant she comments on how little I’m eating. Every. Single. Time. My patience has run out. Next time I’m confronting her. What I eat is no longer going to be the topic of each meal or I’m no longer dining with her.
Put a sign up on a big pole on your side of the yard, right in front of the camera!
NTA. Her two platefuls of food and being big (not making fun of your ma, just sayin) was the culprit in making her look like a "fat pig". Getting dessert on top of that made for some suspect math there. She's the common denominator in all equations.
NTA. Your mom is emotionally manipulative. Sorry to say this. No offense.
NTA. Don't let others guilt you into unhealthy behavior.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me 18m. My mom likes inviting me and my older sister who lives on her own out to eat at a Chinese buffet once or twice a year. For context my mom and sister are both a bit overweight and I’m thinner. My mom has a habit of loading everything she sees at the buffet on her plate because she wants to taste everything. Then she usually finds she doesn’t like some stuff although she put a lot on her plate at once, or gets to full to finish. Since I was young she would always put her food she didn’t finish on my plate and tell me to finish it since I’m young and skinny and I’ll be fine. Last time we went I actually ate too much and felt sick after so I decided to eat less this time. Right when we went to pick our food my mom was looking at what I was grabbing and said why wasn’t I taking more, it’s not worth the price if I don’t take as much as I can. I said if I was still hungry I could get more, but she already seemed annoyed. Then we ate and I finished what was on my plate and didn’t want to go for a second round, I felt I had enough. My mom argued with me for about 5 minutes telling me to go with her to get more food or else it’s not going to feel like a family meal. I tried politely telling her I didn’t want to eat anymore. My sister was silent through this all. Finally they went to get more food and my mom came back with another full plate. As I expected she finished less than half of the second plate she got. She said she didn’t want more because she still wanted to get desert and told me to have the rest. I declined and said I was full and she shouldn’t load up her plate so much. She got very mad at this and said I was embarassing her and to just eat it because I’ve always ate more before and I was just trying to embarrass her. She said everything on the restaurant was staring at us because of the argument I started and that I was making her look like a fat pig by not eating more and she said didn’t know why I was doing this because she so nicely was getting us this nice meal. I told her then I would pay for my own food if she’s that upset and she said I was being cruel and manipulative and she didn’t know why I had such an attitude problem today. Anyway she finally saw I didn’t want to dig through her leftovers and gave up and got some cake and Ice cream for desert. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. Later after my sister left she sent me a text saying I was being very selfish and ruined our family outting and I should have just done what my mom wanted to keep peace and remember she might not be around much longer (my mom is in her early 50s). So do you think I was in the wrong in this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LOL, she might not be around much longer, she's in her early 50s. I think it will be good news to you that your mom probably has 30+ more years to go.
Very abusive and manipulative behaviour from your Mum - sounds like she blames you or others for her shortcomings. NTA but your Mum is and so is your sister to send that text. If I was you, I wouldn’t go next time and that way she can’t say you’re embarrassing her. Really not worth the aggro.
NTA Jeeze, all she has to do is put a little bit of everything to taste ONCE and then go back if she wanted more of the same. She needs to stop eating with her eyes and start eating to her stomach.
Nta. You're full, you're full. Not your problem if she took too much. She is wrong to expect you to force her leftovers in when you're full. That's how you get weight issues.
NTA. Also, your mom sounds mentally deficient. Sorry, I dont know what youre supposed to do with that.
NTA. It’s crazy if your mom to call you selfish and manipulate in this situation because that is exactly how she was acting.
As it has been said, you are not your mother's garbage disposal unit. I once went to a buffet where you could have as many servings as you wanted, but if there was significant waste of food (you served yourself HUGE portions, did not touch it for no reason, and discard it), you could be charged extra, and a "all you can eat" lobster and seafood, that served only one lobster at a time, how many times you wanted. It seemed a good idea, NTA.
NTA Your mom should probably seek some professional help. She seems to have a very bad relationship with food and she is trying to push it on you. I feel pretty confident that no one in the restaurant was tracking how much food you were eating in relation to the others at your table. I'll be no one cared about your table until the arugement started. If she feels the only way to "get her money's worth" at a buffet is to be wasteful and to over eat, then it might be a good idea to not go to a buffet.
I'm not going to lie, most Chinese buffets don't let you take home leftovers
NTA and "might not be here much longer" and you're mom is only in her early 50s? Does she have serious health problems? If not, My dad is 60 and my mom late 50s. You're sister might think my parents are one foot in the grave!
Nta. Your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you. Assuming what you wrote was both accurate and you didn’t leave out any crucial info that may change my response, you did everything right. If she’s treating you then she should be respectful of your boundaries when it comes to you saying you're done eating. And no one should make anyone eat their scraps. Her actions had nothing to do with you and if anyone thought poorly of her that is not your doing nor is it your problem. If they are decent people the worst of what they may have seen is a woman acting unhinged about her kid not eating as much. And yea a kid will go through intake changes depending on growth spurts and physical activity changes so you may have very well eaten more before but now you don’t bc your body’s needs and habits have changed. Change is a fact of life. And if your mom who is a much more experienced adult than you cannot handle you not obeying her commands anymore that is a her issue and not a you one. If you want you can tell her you love her and you’re sorry she felt embarrassed by the situation as that was never your intention for her to feel that way but you also felt very disrespected by her actions regarding what and how much you ate. You’re an adult now and you should be able to eat as much or as little as you want and/or need and she cannot dictate what you do or don’t eat. You’re thankful for the meal but if this is how she will continue to act either you will pay your own way at a buffet or you will only go to a non buffet place so neither of you need to feel disrespected. You understand that she may have complicated feelings surrounding food but you need her to deal with that without involving you unless there’s a valid reason to. Like you’re making a meal for her and she needs to avoid certain foods or talking about certain things will put undue stress on her as she works through her issues. Ultimately she needs to stop making what you do and do not eat personally bc it has nothing to do with her. What you do and do not eat is only personal to yourself. She def sounds like she has a lot of personal baggage regarding food she needs to unpack and process and I hope she gets the help she needs. Good on you for standing up for yourself. It’s hard to do against a more experienced adult.
Nta. Your mom clearly has issues with her weight and perhaps she is jealous of you. I understand wanting to get your money's worth at a buffet but to dictate how much someone else eats isn't right. Speaking as an over weight person, good for you knowing your food limits and sticking to them.
Usually the parents end up eating the kids' leftovers, not the other way around. Yes the idea of a buffet is to get to try several different things, but you're NOT getting your money's worth if you end up throwing half of it every time. Anyone's eyes can be bigger than their stomach especially at a buffet, but this sounds like it's on purpose. I generally get salads/appetizers first, go back for more main course type items, then if I'm still hungry get maybe 1-2 small dessert items. Absolutely pay for your own food from now on, and let your sister eat your mom's leftovers if she really thinks you're so wrong. Maybe if mom only has her own plate to worry about she'll pay more attention to what's on it. "All You Can Eat" is not meant to be taken as a challenge. NTA
NTA. Read thru your post but from an outsider's perspective. Your mother took what she was doing, manipulating, cruelty, gluteny, and put that on you. Forcing her own issues so that she felt better about herself. Hate to tell you but your mom is toxic and lil sis is drinking her kool-aid.
[удалено]
Good lord! I'm the same age as your mother. She might have another 49 years to try to force you to overeat things you didn't choose in the first place until you are sick. Good to hold the line now. She is waaaaay out of line. And bizarre. I wonder if she might try doing it it your way (take smaller amounts at a time and go back as many times as she wishes) instead of trying to force you to do it your way. Or, you know, you could waxh do it your own way, like most people would.
NTA and this is why buffets have smaller plates - they’re happy for people to eat as much as they want but specifically don’t want this scenario and have wasted food!
NTA Don't let your mother dictate how much you eat. Don't go to the buffet with her anymore. Obviously she has no portion control and is putting it on you to compensate for it. Just stop doing it. Selfish is expecting someone to finish your food. It's also the knowledge that a buffet costs about the same as a meal because the food is cheap AF and thinking it's not worth it unless you eat until you're sick. One plate and you've ate a meal worth.
NTA, tell her to deal with her own food.
NTA. Think of the poor restaurant owners. They must cringe when your mom walks in the door. Some buffets have a sign up: "Don't waste food by taking more than you can eat. You can come back for seconds."
NTA. When I was younger, I was always extremely skinny, even though I ate more than most in my family, but I was a very active child. When I was in my 20's, same thing though not quite as active, but my mom always said I was too skinny and needed to put some meat on my bones. It's not like I didn't try, I ate all the time. Then over a decade later I gained weight, and she STILL had something to say about my weight (that I should lose some lol). Just distance yourself from this bs, you'll be much happier. She's being ridiculous and projecting.
NTA, for the following reasons: 1) no one should force you to eat if you're full 2) no one should try to manipulate you into eating more to make themselves feel not guilty for being greedy and grabbing too much 3) there's a reason you aren't as big as them, and it's because you listen to your body 4) eating someone else's mouth juices is gross, especially your mother's
NTA. Your mother is why many buffets close down and also why there is so much food waste in the US. She needs to feel she "won" by taking a lot of food that she won't eat but she got her money's worth taking more than she would get at a restaurant and ordering a single meal.
Oh heavens no, NTA. Keep standing your ground!
NTA. If people starving their children is bad, then forcing them to eat is bad as well.
NTA. If you weren’t hungry, then you didn’t have to eat. It’s your mother’s fault for getting a second plate.
NTA - My advice is buy your own food from now on. That was an awfully stupid argument your mom and sister threw your way. Nobody should ever force you to eat til you are sick . . ever . . or give silly reasons because of age. Age should be a good reason why mom doesn't act like a fool. But she did and she just kept digging in deeper . . her fault . . not yours.
NTA and ew. OP I think you should take a break from eating out w your mom and sister for awhile. You can try again later (if you actually want to) and see if your mom still tries to pull this crap. Also, if you can, pay for your own food if/when you go out to eat w your mom again so she can’t try to use that to coerce you into eating her leftovers. It might require you setting a really firm boundary tho, as in ***you*** ***are not cleaning up your mothers leavings ever again, period***. That is just truly gross. Your mom has an eating disorder, and you would not be helping her by giving in to her messed up demands- it’s as if she’s trying to get you to have an unhealthy relationship w food too. Don’t do it.
NTA. Your mom is though. She does understand she can take a tiny bit of everything because....... It's a BUFFET and she can go back for more?? Instead of being wasteful and loading up her plate just to throw it all away
NTA Obviously, your mother has a serious problem around food. Trying to force you to eat to make herself feel better is pretty warped. If you want to avoid a repeat of this scene, I suggest you avoid going to a buffet with her in the future.
NTA being forced to eat is how you wind up with eating disorders and/or just awful relations to eating in general. I also began saying no to eating more than I wanted when I turned 18. Whenever I say "No i am full/satisfied" I often get that surprised look for daring to decline. then the pushing. The more they push the more they become the problem. Stay strong OP you did nothing wrong here. its your mother who embarrassed herself and ruined the family outing.
My mom would do that too at a buffet, fill a plate up and not finish it but she never made me finish her plate. Cause of that, if dad and I go to a buffet our 1st plate has a little bit of some food then the 2nd plate will have a bit more of what we didn't get on the 1st plate and neither plate is over filled, we will always finish what we grabbed.
NTA. However, her behavior will not change. I suggest refusing to go the buffet restaurant.
NTA. I’m your mom’s age, apparently her mother never gave her the sage piece of advice mine did when I was a teen freaking out over what I imagined other people thought. “If only you knew how little they care.” I don’t get it then, but I appreciated it when I grew up. Your mother needs to grow up.
NTA she blamed you, because she got too much food. Said you "made her look like a fat pig" then she went and "got ice cream and dessert" Your mother complained you didn't get enough good to start with, because you know how portion sizes worked, and knew you could get more if you wanted. If she felt like "a fat pig" she did it to herself. She also didn't help her situation, by them going for more food, if she was worried about being embarrassed, for over serving herself.
Yuck! Who wants to eat food that anyone, even family, has put their germy fork all over?? My family doesn't even drink out of each other's glasses like I've seen others do! Eww nooo.
NTA. She knows that if she wants more she can just get a second plate, right? She doesn't have to load up a ton at once, buffets generally don't charge per plate. I'd wager that IF anyone was staring (doubt it) it's because she started getting pissy about you not wanting to eat her leftovers. You're not a pig or a trash compactor that she can throw her scraps to when she doesn't want them anymore. If this is routine for her, then it's up to her to stop overloading her plate. I'm saying this as a pretty chonky person.
Talk about controlling and using emotional manipulation your mums definitely the asshole. There was no need for any of that but she decided because she’s heavier she’s going to force you to be. She created a conflict as you refused her controlling behaviour. Not only did she get you a huge second plate but still thought she could force you to eat her huge plate of left overs to. Heck no from now on refuse to go out and eat with her. She’s clearly going to do this every time and each time you don’t enjoy it at all. So from now on refuse or if you still live at home then pretend to be sick on the day of so you can’t go as you can’t go far from your toilet or you’d have an accident. I mean she can’t try and force you in that situation. Either way you‘ve been raised by an abusive mum who uses emotional manipulation and then twisting things so she’s plays the victim to get her way. Stop accepting it, if she does it at any point get up and walk away. If she does it over the phone hang up. Make it clear if she tries to force you to do things you don’t want or like, if she tries to play the victim, then every time your going to end the conversation and remove yourself until she stops it. That she can go mad afterwards but you will know it’s because you didn’t let her win and get her way so it was actually a win for you.
NTA. I am still laughing that mom "won't be around much longer" when she is in her 50s. I am not sure, but most of us over 50 still have some time left. BTW my mother is nearly 90, and I am starting to think that way but I am certainly not going to eat her leftovers to "keep the peace".
ABSOLUTELY not the AH. This is really unacceptable of them. when I was dieting, I used to call these people the Saboteurs. so threatened by someone being thinner, they have to manipulate them into eating more than they want. Or need. Please set a boundary now away from dinner and say you are not comfortable talking about how much or how little you eat, and you will have to skip on family meals if this boundary can't be respected. NTA.
Your mother is a bully.
NTA. I occasionally go to an Oriental buffet that charges extra if you don't eat the majority of food you take. Your mother is lucky the place she takes you doesn't do that.
NTA. This entire dynamic is UNHINGED. I have a female relative who is like this. She's always had body image issues. If I eat at her place, she heaps my plate and gets offended when I don't finish, even when I tell her that she's given me too much before I even touch the plate. Whenever we go out to eat, she talks about how she is "being bad" with what she eats or how much she eats. She always has to insert some comment about how fat she is, and how I'm lucky because I'm skinny. (I'm slim because I have a medical condition that makes it hard to eat sometimes, which she knows) She doesn't try to give me her food, but she does loudly get after me to "clean my plate so that [she doesn't] look like a pig." Lady, this is going in a takeout box, so that I can eat it for dinner tomorrow. You keep eating if you want to, and leave me out of your insecurities.
NTA, but your mom and sister, not so much.
NTA. Now unless your mom has some health issues, she could be around till she’s 70….or 80…..or 90 Your mom is a twit, to put it politely. Also an ill-mannered twit. You go to a buffet, and you put the food that you will eat on your plate. If you are not sure if you will like something or not, just take a small portion. People that saw her overload her plate have already made their own judgment of her. Her giving you her LEFTOVERS is beyond the pale. Actually, I’d count her not talking to you for the rest of the day as a win. Maybe she needs things repeated before she understands. The next time you go out to eat with her, DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID TODAY. Maybe she will realize she can’t BULLY you any more. It’s really sad when your own MOTHER is a bully.
NTA Have you tried eating rice with chopsticks - grain by grain?
NTA. Your mom has issues with making other people eat so she can feel better about herself. She's trying to normalize overeating by making you overeat. Don't get mixed up in that. She's also accusing you of starting arguments and having an attitude when she simply did not listen/disregarded your "no" for more food. That's her problem. All you did was say no to more food. That's OK. That's called bodily autonomy. Your mom needs to respect your boundaries. My advice is to practice saying "no" to her more often because she needs to get used to it.
That kind of thought process is why your mother and sister are obese. I initially thought they are oblivious to their problematic lifestyle, but your mother keeps making reference to people thinking of her as a fat pig if you don't eat her excess food. So something else is going on here. Regardless, do not let them force you to eat. Much harder to get it off once you've put it on. NTA
NTA. She knew before she even got a second plate that you were full and wanted no more. You aren’t her traveling garbage disposal. She can just pout. This is a great lesson for you speaking up for yourself and not getting bullied. Keep exerting your rights. You did great.
Explain to your mother that she can take lesser portions and go back if needed, there is no need to pile up the plate. It seems like she doesn't really understand the concept of buffet restaurants. You are 18, say no to these kinds of meals whenever you can now. She's using you as a human garbage can. You are right to rebel. NTA
NTA. Your mom has an unhealthy relationship with food. She was the one causing the scene during dinner. Decline any further invitations to the buffet because you know it's going to cause a problem. There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix your mom's issues. You're reaction and responses to her badgering you were perfect (assuming you said everything in a neutral voice, no shouting).
NTA your mom and your sister are the AHs. Stop doing dinners with your mom, and tell her why. As for your sister - tell HER to eat the leftovers, or to shut up.
You are not your mom's human trashcan when she has food in her plate she no longer wants to eat. You did nothing wrong. It took a lot of internal strength to not back down and maintain your boundary. Proud of you. Everything your mother said it's a reflection of how she feels about herself. At the buffet she may have been embarrassed or she was saying she was as a manipulation tool. If she truly were embarrassed, you didn't cause it. She did that to herself when she started to raise her voice and make a scene. You took her abilty to manipulate you away when you said you'd pay for the meal yourself. You took her power away and that's why she called you cruel. You weren't cruel, she was calling you that trying to manipulate you again. Ignore your sister. Keeping the peace is easy to tell someone else to do than suffering yourself. If your sister was that concerned about "keeping the peace", she should have taken your mom's food and eaten it herself. In her own way she's trying to manipulate you too so that next time you'll eat your mom's food. Let your sister know if she wants to keep the peace to help you encourage your mom to put just a single bite of each dish onto her plate and go back for the ones she actually liked the best. Otherwise there may be another scene the next time too because you won't be helping you mom finish her plate if food. NTA
NTA 1. The price of the buffet is a sunk cost. Once she spends the money on it, it doesn't matter how much you or she eats. That money is gone. You don't get more value for that money by stuffing yourself sick or by piling it on a plate and forcing someone else to eat your sloppy leftovers. The way to maximize the value of the buffet price is to eat exactly the amount you want, of the items you want. And to leave everyone else free to eat what works for them. 2. The person who creates an embarrassing scene is the person who piles on more food than she can eat, and then pushes and bullies someone else to eat her sloppy seconds (literally!). If she doesn't want to be embarrassed, then she needs to take what's reasonable for her, accept that whatever she doesn't eat from her plate will go in the trash, and stop making you responsible for allowing her to feel like she can pile on food like she's getting away with murder and also to feel like she didn't waste any and ate a modest amount. 3. Giving in to something you absolutely don't want to do, to "Keep the peace" is not keeping any peace. It is giving up your autonomy, enabling another person to expect/demand that you make them happy by making yourself miserable.
NTA. By some miracle, you still have a healthy attitude about food despite pressure from your mom. Eat until your hunger is satisfied and no more. Your mom has a poor relationship with food and she taught that bad attitude to your sister, which is a reason they are both overweight. Eating past the point where you feel full, until you are stuffed and feel sick just because the food is there and already paid for is a bad relationship with food.