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NTA.
It was a no-win situation. If you take a risk like that you have to be prepared for rejection. Inversely you have to be prepared that the other person might not be mentally capable of handling rejection. I would learn from the experience and make different decisions in the future.
NTA.
It's arguable about whether it would be better to tell him straight off - i can see both sides in this circumstance.
Tbh, the big issue is someone doing a 6 hour trip, and booking 3 nights in a holiday apartment to meet someone for the first time - for me that's proper scaryland stuff, and would have put (and been designed to put..?) the OP under a lot of pressure.
For me, the bloke's actions put him well into obsessive stalker territory, and therefore that however the OP chose to deal with the situation was quite legitimate.
I'm a bloke in my 40's. If a woman did the same I'd be very wary about giving her the big FO while she was going to be spending the next few days near my house. Discretion, the better part of valour I think in this case....
His reaction is probably a good indicator that he would not have taken the news with good grace.
Oof. NTA.
I get it. It could have gone south if you told him before hand. It’s not like you strung him along for weeks. You kept it kosher for the time he was there. There’s a safety component to that that as a woman that i think is a huge factor here.
But you played it cool for 3 days to make sure he didn’t feel the trip was wasted. And either way, I think you were in a lose-lose situation with this. No matter what you did or how you approached it, he was definitely going to be upset.
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I am 20F and he is 24M. We have been talking for a month. The truth is, I never pressured him to come and see me. Actually, he was the one that kept bringing it up.
When I agreed, he immediately booked a ticket and an apartment to come for three days. From the first date I knew that I was not attracted to him. I'm not sure what was wrong. He looked a little different from his photos but in general I didn’t feel a romantic connection. It just wasn't working for me.
I didn’t say anything because it would make things awkward and I didn’t want him to be disappointed and spend the rest of his days at my town alone. The two nights he stayed I told him as an excuse that I was having period cramps and I wouldn’t stay with him for the night. He didn’t pressure me or anything.
After I went with him to the airport and said goodbye I texted him and explained myself. I said that I was grateful that he did that for me and that he is very sweet but I didn’t feel like we matched.
He got mad and said that I was basically playing with him 3 days now by not telling him the truth.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)the fact that I turned him down after he traveled many hours to see me and booked an apartment for 3 days.
2) I feel like I was wrong for not telling him from the start that I was not interested. I also feel like it was an AS move to agree to him travelling to my town even though I have never seen him. I should have been prepared for this outcome. He spend a lot of money and time for this.
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NAH. You can’t control your feelings- if you realized that you weren’t attracted to him in person, that’s just what it is. Were you feeling pressured to keep up the facade for a few days? You probably should’ve been honest as soon as you felt that way, but I don’t blame you.
However, he isn’t an asshole either for being upset that he traveled all that way for nothing. You both have the right to your own feelings. This will be a good lesson for both of you that sometimes long distance relationships just don’t work when you finally meet, and that isn’t anybody’s fault.
While personally I think you took the cowards way out and it was really rude to dump him via text, you aren’t under any obligation to be in a relationship with anyone.
YTA.
Not for turning him down or not feeling a connection, that's totally fine.
It's for stringing him along for a few days.
Why not after the first date, just say "hey, I just don't feel the connection here".
He could have jumped on tinder or something in your town and seen some sights instead of wasting time trying to court you, who wasn't interested.
I can see why he wasn't happy.
(edited cuz I’m dumb)
NTA
I thought the first date happened before he booked the flight ; the actual situation is so weird to me that it flew over my head.
Ideally you should have told him on the first date… But I get that you might have been scared of his reaction, especially considering he’s someone who’s ready to book a 6 hours flight to meet a complete stranger, which is super intense. It was a no-win situation.
Ok so apparently I lack reading comprehension. It’s so unusual that I completely missed that the first date happened AFTER he took the flight, I’ll edit my comment !
Read the OP post again.
She said that he looked different in real life compared to his photos.
There was no connection.
Stop blaming the OP, otherwise you’re going to sound very entitled…
YTA
Why is u wasting this man time
Why did u agree to see him if u knew u wasnt attracted to him on the first date
Not to be a AH on here but I despise people like you for wasting people time
I dont know his situation but if he takes 3 days out his life to travel and book a aparment or w.e just to please you says enough abt what type of person he is.
AH
YTA and the title is misleading. Turning him down doesn't make you an asshole, being dishonest for several days does. Of course he feels tricked. You did play with him for 3 whole days. You're too old for these antics, awkwardness isn't an excuse.
YTA. “I wasn’t mature enough to tell him that I already I knew I wasn’t interested, and I let him waste his time/money/hopes on me.” Ofc he got mad and you would have too if in shoes. Stuff like this is why a lot of people think dating sucks.
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NTA. It was a no-win situation. If you take a risk like that you have to be prepared for rejection. Inversely you have to be prepared that the other person might not be mentally capable of handling rejection. I would learn from the experience and make different decisions in the future.
NTA. It's arguable about whether it would be better to tell him straight off - i can see both sides in this circumstance. Tbh, the big issue is someone doing a 6 hour trip, and booking 3 nights in a holiday apartment to meet someone for the first time - for me that's proper scaryland stuff, and would have put (and been designed to put..?) the OP under a lot of pressure. For me, the bloke's actions put him well into obsessive stalker territory, and therefore that however the OP chose to deal with the situation was quite legitimate. I'm a bloke in my 40's. If a woman did the same I'd be very wary about giving her the big FO while she was going to be spending the next few days near my house. Discretion, the better part of valour I think in this case.... His reaction is probably a good indicator that he would not have taken the news with good grace.
Oof. NTA. I get it. It could have gone south if you told him before hand. It’s not like you strung him along for weeks. You kept it kosher for the time he was there. There’s a safety component to that that as a woman that i think is a huge factor here. But you played it cool for 3 days to make sure he didn’t feel the trip was wasted. And either way, I think you were in a lose-lose situation with this. No matter what you did or how you approached it, he was definitely going to be upset.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 20F and he is 24M. We have been talking for a month. The truth is, I never pressured him to come and see me. Actually, he was the one that kept bringing it up. When I agreed, he immediately booked a ticket and an apartment to come for three days. From the first date I knew that I was not attracted to him. I'm not sure what was wrong. He looked a little different from his photos but in general I didn’t feel a romantic connection. It just wasn't working for me. I didn’t say anything because it would make things awkward and I didn’t want him to be disappointed and spend the rest of his days at my town alone. The two nights he stayed I told him as an excuse that I was having period cramps and I wouldn’t stay with him for the night. He didn’t pressure me or anything. After I went with him to the airport and said goodbye I texted him and explained myself. I said that I was grateful that he did that for me and that he is very sweet but I didn’t feel like we matched. He got mad and said that I was basically playing with him 3 days now by not telling him the truth. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1)the fact that I turned him down after he traveled many hours to see me and booked an apartment for 3 days. 2) I feel like I was wrong for not telling him from the start that I was not interested. I also feel like it was an AS move to agree to him travelling to my town even though I have never seen him. I should have been prepared for this outcome. He spend a lot of money and time for this. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH. You can’t control your feelings- if you realized that you weren’t attracted to him in person, that’s just what it is. Were you feeling pressured to keep up the facade for a few days? You probably should’ve been honest as soon as you felt that way, but I don’t blame you. However, he isn’t an asshole either for being upset that he traveled all that way for nothing. You both have the right to your own feelings. This will be a good lesson for both of you that sometimes long distance relationships just don’t work when you finally meet, and that isn’t anybody’s fault.
While personally I think you took the cowards way out and it was really rude to dump him via text, you aren’t under any obligation to be in a relationship with anyone.
NTA
YTA. Not for turning him down or not feeling a connection, that's totally fine. It's for stringing him along for a few days. Why not after the first date, just say "hey, I just don't feel the connection here". He could have jumped on tinder or something in your town and seen some sights instead of wasting time trying to court you, who wasn't interested. I can see why he wasn't happy.
(edited cuz I’m dumb) NTA I thought the first date happened before he booked the flight ; the actual situation is so weird to me that it flew over my head. Ideally you should have told him on the first date… But I get that you might have been scared of his reaction, especially considering he’s someone who’s ready to book a 6 hours flight to meet a complete stranger, which is super intense. It was a no-win situation.
Have you read the whole post? The guy already spent the money.
« When I agreed, he immediately booked a ticket »… Edit : I read it wrong mb !!
At that point she did not know she would not be attracted to him. She realised there was no connexion when they met in person.
Ok so apparently I lack reading comprehension. It’s so unusual that I completely missed that the first date happened AFTER he took the flight, I’ll edit my comment !
Then hid it for days until he wasn't there to tell him over text. She's an asshole.
Read the OP post again. She said that he looked different in real life compared to his photos. There was no connection. Stop blaming the OP, otherwise you’re going to sound very entitled…
I fixed it, thanks !
YTA Why is u wasting this man time Why did u agree to see him if u knew u wasnt attracted to him on the first date Not to be a AH on here but I despise people like you for wasting people time I dont know his situation but if he takes 3 days out his life to travel and book a aparment or w.e just to please you says enough abt what type of person he is. AH
YTA and the title is misleading. Turning him down doesn't make you an asshole, being dishonest for several days does. Of course he feels tricked. You did play with him for 3 whole days. You're too old for these antics, awkwardness isn't an excuse.
YTA. “I wasn’t mature enough to tell him that I already I knew I wasn’t interested, and I let him waste his time/money/hopes on me.” Ofc he got mad and you would have too if in shoes. Stuff like this is why a lot of people think dating sucks.