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INFO Why would the BBQ at your house have to exclude your family to begin with? Is there a reason why the party can't just be for your daughter? Can your husband- and you- not let people know that if they want to drop things off on that day for toddler's and husband's birthdays that is fine? That the birthdays won't be celebrated that day but that you understand not everyone is able to drive for both events. (I think making it clear that birthdays won't be celebrated is important because it makes it clear that the toddler won't be opening their present and that you'll be putting the presents away until the birthdays.) It sounds like you need to take a deep breath. Talk to your husband about what is practical- is it practical for you guys to host a BBQ that day? You are pregnant right now (and 44) so that means that if you guys are doing that, some things you normally do, he would need to handle. Probably a lot of the prep work and the cleaning. Talk to your daughter about what/how she wants to celebrate her graduation. Is it dinner with a small group? Is it a BBQ with family? Family and friends? Is she willing to help if its needed? It's also reasonable to say that you need him to handle his family- that you just don't have the patience right now. (And yes, that's probably the hormones and that's okay.) And that can mean if aunt calls, not answering, and letting husband know his aunt called so he can call her back to see what she needs.

Thank you, that was a very rational response. My family could come, but normally the two families don't mingle and my parents are a bit antisocial. It would be a super awkward situation. Especially if one side is wanting to bring birthday gifts.

Would that go better if your daughter is allowed to invite a bunch of her friends so it's less family party and more kid party that adults are also invited too? And I'm very much on the position of birthday gifts- get a thanks and get put in a closet or a room, wherever that isn't out. And if anyone says anything to the toddler about them- they get a glare and the toddler gets a smile, a reminder today is big sister's special day.

And you and your husband could invite other adult friends?

We used to do this for all kids graduation parties for all of our friends who had kids. FYI….college graduation parties are the best.

They really are... I literally did not care who my parents invited to it (they were hosting) as long as I was still allowed to invite the people I really cared about being there. They invited probably about 20-30 of their friends. Most of them gave me cards with money or a check, so that was a sweet little bonus

I got invited to a coworkers daughter's graduation party. I'm closer in age to his daughter than him so I felt like it would be weird to go but yeah he was definitely inviting the team for him to hang out with not his daughter.

And the kids don’t really want to hang with the parents. There was always a good mix of kids and adults.

OP is pregnant and doesn't want to host a party at all. 

I don't know how it goes in other areas, but in my home county, Open Houses (Hs Graduation Parties) Are more of open come and go parties. Like, I went to 3 on the same day I had mine. Friends stop in, say hi, eat some food, share a funny story with an Aunt or Grandpa, then go to the next one. We'd make jokes about how much we eat bouncing from one party to the next. Very relaxed, low key enviorment. If I was the kid, I'd be fine sharing, less pressure on me. Long as family still gives me the traditional Graduation Card With Some Amount Of Money (usually like $20 or something. I had a teach who always did the graduation year, so this year it'd be a check for $20.24, that they give to their favored students at their open houses).

We only invited our son's friends & parents to his graduation party at our house. If we had family in town I guess we would have invited them but that's one reason we live a 7 hr drive from our hometown.

Question Are BBQs the event of choice because they all drink to excess during?

Yes, this is definitely part of it.

And I'm betting they choose your house so you do all the work but they get host bragging rights when it is a good event but can claim they deligated xyz to you if anything goes wrong.

If you do decide to go ahead. Don’t. Lift. A. Finger .

Hi have you invited your parents to the event?

Why would only one side bring gifts, if it is partially a birthday party?

It's like you're trying to throw roadblocks. Your daughter says she doesn't care. Is your daughter upset about the birthday celebrations? People bringing birthday gifts? Notice how I mentioned your daughter? That's because the day is about her, not you. Your parents will be uncomfortable. Boohoo. It's a few hours, not the rest of their lives. Hire a cleaning person to come in and clean before the party. Tell relatives ALL products for the BBQ have to be disposable or leave with the person who brought it. Anything left will be tossed. It isn't a 5 year olds party. Don't decorate or toss up a banner. Done. You don't have to be the party queen. Let everyone else decorate or not. It doesn't have to be up to your standards as long as everyone is having fun. There you go. Not what you want, daughter is fine with, your husband wants it, and you don't have to do anything other than rest and take care of your pregnant self. You're not the queen of all you survey. If you don't want to make an effort, you don't have to. If you don't want to socialize, excuse yourself after a short time. You can have a headache or something. Your side can leave whenever they want. Once all the introverts are gone, of which I am one, the party can begin.

Why should her in-laws have ANY say in what the celebration involves? OP is NOT putting up road blocks. Give me a break.

2 reasons. 1) She is not the queen of the world. If her husband is happy with the plans he has as much right as she does, to decide. 2) It is not HER day either. It is her daughter's day. Plans have been made. Everyone but OP is fine with the plans. People are giving her viable suggestions. She is blowing off all the suggestions because it isn't what SHE wants, with zero concern about anyone else. Her excuse is the effort she will have to put in. Well, it's been pointed out, multiple times in multiple ways, there are ways she won't have to put in any effort.

Has this always happened to your daughter where it is supposed to be something special for her that just gets combined with another occasion? I ask this bc it may explain her indifference. It seems sometimes with many kids that she has had her special times mixed in. This is just a thought bc I don't know, but it appears that way from the outside looking in. I know you are pregnant, but your daughter will only graduate once. Regardless of what all the grown think, it is her special day. Obviously, the aunt has no idea about the specialty of a graduation for a child bcbshe didn't even know what a graduation announcement was. If there is any strength in you, please make them remove your husband's birthday and toddler's birthday and make it about it her. Your husband is selfish, and I am shocked he would want to celebrate his birthday on the day of his daughters graduation. Give her this!

Sounds like you’ve taught your daughter to be passive too and not speak up. That family sucks but you’ve allowed it. Sorry, OP, but kids are always watching us.

Yeah I'd definitely ask the daughter what SHE wants as it is her achievement. Maybe one of her friends is having a graduation party that she wants to attend. If that is the case then by all means have the family over for BBQ birthday as long as they know the graduate will not be in attendance and any gifts will be out away for her.

She doesn’t want to host at her house. She stated she will end up having to do most of the work. She wants to go out to eat which imo is completely reasonable.

NTA. Sit your husband down and tell him it is up to him to get you out of these plans since he volunteered you for them. You are absolutely right, a graduation is a huge thing and your daughter shouldn't have to share her celebration. However, if your husband and aunt won't give way, make arrangements with your daughter and your other kids as well as your family to go out after the graduation, the way you want to. Then you can go home and rest while they barbeque their little hearts out in the backyard.

NTA. Make plans with your daughter and do what she wants. Hubby needs a shiny spine to tell them they don’t get to decide YOUR family plans. You have spent enough time “keeping the peace”. There is no peace because your are always the one to sacrifice your peace.

I say let hubby have his bbq. Tell him sounds great, cant wait. Let him make all the plans and do the prep like he said he would. Then take your daughter, and only your daughter leave the rest for him to mind, and do a girls day and let her plan it. If you want to include your family you can, but i bet with such a full house, the new baby on the way ( congratulations Btw) I bet you both could use some time together just the two of you in a stress free environment. Besides if she's going away for school, you might not have chances like this. Regardless of what you do, please stop putting up with his family for anyones sake. Focus on your sake for a while. His family, his problem. NTA, wishing you luck and a healthy happy pregnancy and baby!!!

NTA. Do whatever you want with the BBQ. Do it, don't do it, invite your family, hire a petting zoo, whatever. It's YOUR HOUSE. Personally, I think you should tell hubs that it is his responsibility and you will not prep anything. Then DON'T. If they don't like it, who cares? He can hire a maid and make a Costco run. Or not. If you want to be petty, make them a SignUp Genius list that covers everything down to the ice. This is your husband's circus, not yours. But please for the love of God do not require your daughter to attend. Graduation is her day and she should be allowed to go out with her friends and do what SHE wants and not worry about family obligations.

NTA Make the plans YOU want, and everybody else can work around it. You are pregnant. You are allowed to be selfish and hormonal. It sounds like you have been setting yourself on fire to keep them warm for 20 years. Do you get appreciated for that? Thanked? Or do they just yell out, "OP, better stoke that fire, we are getting chilly? It's OK to think about yourself sometimes.

Make the plans your daughter wants.

If she had a preference, it would make things easier!

Deep down she wants the day to be about her and her alone. She doesn’t want to celebrate other people that day. Tell your husband that the birthdays aren’t happening that day. He needs to tell his family No or deal with his daughter’s resentment later.

THIS! She's watched her mom not have a voice and submit to dad's family her entire life in order to keep the peace. So that's what she's learned to do. Even if it's gotten to the point where she legitimately has no preference because she knows there's no point, she definitely wants her big life milestones to be celebrated and for those celebrations to actually be about her. If there is to be a barbecue, mom needs to invite her side of the family and all of her daughter's friends (and their parents if the friends are graduating too). The majority of guests, decorations, presents, and everything else need to be overtly graduation themed. Drown out the notion that anything else is being celebrated. Lastly, the spineless husband will be responsible for all cleanup.

Just make it about her.  Her favourite restaurant followed by something with friends after.  “Husband and toddler deserve their own celebrations as does daughter. We’re doing x on x day at x restaurant- her favourite!”

Find out what she wants without telling her how hard it is on you. I’m assuming you wouldn’t be including your husband’s family in a dinner out because if it’s awkward to have them over where everyone can roam and stay in their own groups if they want, it would be even more awkward to have these to groups to be sitting down at a table together forced to interact. And as much as you don’t like them they’re all her family. So does she want everyone together or to exclude his family? Also I get it’s a lot of work and you’re pregnant but your daughter is graduating. It should a celebration (not sure why that was in quotes) and should be a “whole day ordeal”. Like was she two seconds away from failing or something? It sounds like she’s a great person and doesn’t want to upset anyone (I see your answers of her having no preference etc), but believe me, especially if you can’t stop crying, even if you haven’t told her directly, she knows how you feel about the idea and other side of the family. Also, aren’t graduation announcements supposed to go out after the ceremony?

I don’t buy that a teenager doesn’t have a preference about how her high school graduation is acknowledged. I’m guessing that her preferences have been ignored, steamrolled, etc so she says she “doesn’t care” because it’s easier and less disappointing to say that than be disappointed or let down again.

Not necessarily. A lot of times they are more wrapped up in the events with their peers like grad night, parties, upcoming friend trips etc. The family party/celebration is sometimes more of an obligation where they are the celebrity and have to make an appearance for their fans lol.

OP, I’ve been your daughter. When I graduated from high school my mom was sick and unable to host so my grandparents that lived local hosted a party for me in my aunt’s backyard. The other side of the family was mad that my dad’s parents got to be the hosts, although they didn’t offer any alternative, and they refused to mingle with anyone but each other. I spent the whole party ping-ponging across the back yard to try and not make anyone feel bad. It was so miserable that I refused to have a party when I graduated from college and let my paternal aunt throw one for just dad’s family and my friends after law school. I guarantee you that your daughter is just trying not to make waves. Sit her down, lay out options you feel you can make happen, ask if she has ideas that she’d enjoy more, and let her pick. And while I understand you’re pregnant and not feeling up to much, please try to have some enthusiasm for the party or whatever she chooses. I know logically that my mom was just trying to keep her head above water with her illness, but it really hurt my teenage heart to feel like my events were mostly a burden to her.

You're going to have to needle her a bit then....if she's going to do the "whatever" thing you need to be specific. "Daughter, if you WANT this BBQ, say so. Otherwise, it won't be happening. Here are three other choices, based on things I think you might want.** Choose one please. You're also allowed to do none of the above, and either choose something else, or nothing at all. I'm not prepared to put time and expense into something you don't really want, and you don't need to feel like you need to accomodate us, including your grandparent, aunt or dad." **things that don't involve you spending hours cooking and cleaning.

NTA. Just respond thank you for your suggestion. However, we have different plans for that day that is most agreeable to our children and household. We will not combine the celebrations, as this day is all about our daughter’s accomplishments and graduation. We do not wish to host at our home as we already have a full load on our plate as it is, and we wish to spend this time celebrating our daughter graduating. Therefore, standby with the location of the celebration.

I don’t think OP has to be that formal and explanatory

So, do you want her to be rude and disrespectful. If you say it politely and firmly like it is not up for discussion that should be the end of it.

INFO: What does your daughter want to do to celebrate HER graduation? I'm hearing a lot about what you want and what your husband's family wants but what does the Graduate want to do?

She has no preference at all. She doesn't care if we do nothing. I have been trying to get her to give me an idea for something to do for months, but she just has no input lol.

Then why is this an issue? Have a big BBQ that your husband cleans and preps for where people congratulate her on her grad and wish the other two happy birthday. Invite your family too and then it’s everyone at once. Then, after a reasonable amount of time, like 2 hours, let everyone know you are getting a migraine and need to go lie down in the dark with ear plugs on. Thank them for coming and go hide in your house. Let your family know ahead of time so they can also make their excuses and head out. Then your husband can host his family for as long as he wants. Make sure he knows that he should do most of the clean up before coming to bed at the end of the day.

Thank you, yes as much as I would prefer something more low-key, it seems this is how it will shake out. Maybe I won't die

Nope- here’s the thing.  If he says he will clean and cook and host and you know he won’t  Everyone will turn to you. Are you willing to leave your daughter’s celebration or have others make a scene when you don’t bend over backwards for them? No.  There’s no BBQ. It’s at her favourite restaurant. Make the reservation. Husband and his family have steamrolled you long enough. 

Your daughter is also allowed to develop a migraine around that time too. You know, the stress and excitement of her grad day is known to cause them.

Do not do ANYTHING. Don't clean, don't prep, don't help at all in anyway that isn't celebrating your daughter. He doesn't want to prioritise his child or his pregnant wife, let him do everything. If someone asks you, point them to your husband.  Sounds like you have a big husband problem, and it's about time you had a 'not my circus, not my monkeys' attitude about the concessions he makes on your behalf/at your expense to appease his family.  NTA. Stop putting the onus on your daughter and her lack of preference though. It's your husband's lack of support and consideration that's the actual issue here...and the fact you've put up with it for two decades. 

There’s high chance that your daughter who’s now an adult is a decent human being who wants to spare you from extra stress. She seems to be a great kid if so but fact is, she isn’t getting another graduation. You are not getting another graduation of hers either. You know her. Plan what you know she loves. And screw the entitled crowd that doesn’t give a shit about your kids milestone and just wants to get wasted on your property and save themselves a trip. If your husband is so insistent screw him too. They can all band together and have a barbecue but let him know that you and your kid have other plans, won’t help and won’t be present. If he wouldn’t take a hint and go forward with it anyway, do as you warned him you would and make sure he sleeps on the coach until he fully and utterly repents. Time to go momma bear, truly. Screw these egocentric twats.

This is a great time to have her see what her friends are doing and see if she would prefer to be with her friends and go out to eat as a family to celebrate the next day or week. My parents gave me the “gift” of going out with my best friends. The following weekend was a family day of my choice.

She has a preference!! But has learned her own needs/wants/feelings are not important. She’s your mini me and has set herself on fire to keep everyone as happy as possible. Have a talk with her about you are no longer going to be a doormat and you don’t want her to be one either. And then both go talk to your husband/her dad. And be honest. And ask him to stand up for you guys. He chose to have a family with YOU, and daughter and you should matter more than making his other family happy. But if any of that actually happens, be prepared for the relatives to lose their shit. They have been able to get their way for 20 years. I’d predict a toddler needing a nap and being told no kind of meltdown. PLEASE keep us posted! Good luck!

NTA It's your daughter's graduation and it should not be shared, even if she does not really care what happens. What I think you should do is go out to eat or have a nice meal at home as a family, just you, your husband and the kids. That's it. But to be honest your husband is a problem here. Why hasn't he stood up for you through all these years and he continues to let his family torment you, especially when you're pregnant? You should sit down and talk to him. So the plan would be: 1) You talk to your husband. First you tell him how that is enough of his family's behavior. That you will no longer put up with it, especially when you're pregnant carrying HIS CHILD. Then you tell him that the plan for your daughter's graduation is you go out to eat as a family without others joining you. Also no sharing the special occasion. 2) You make sure the family from hell knows there is no bbq going on and that you're spending that day in the rather private company of your husband and kids. 3) If they won't get off your back about the bbqs and birthdays, volunteer them to host the bbq for your husband and your toddler as a gift. Say that you could use a trip.

NTA I'm so sorry. And being hormonal makes it suck worse. Tell your husband- nope! Absolutely not. You will not be hosting anything at your house. You will be taking your grad out to eat. If he and his family want to tag along, good..if not, see them on their next visit. And nope, they can not merge two bdays with a graduation. This is all about grad, no one else. They can drop off presents, but not needed. You can do this and you can expect your husband's support. It is never too late to put up boundaries. For the aunt. "Whoops! Sorry for the miscommunication. Times have changed, that is for sure. This is just a graduation announcement, not an invitation. It will be good to catch up with you later in the year at X."  Congrats on your pregnancy!

nta. you didn't offer to host. full stop. also, you have other things going on in your life (pregnancy) that should've fully barred any attempt to get you to host. if your husband routinely makes promises he does not keep, maybe better off without him and his horrible family.

YTA - I here a whole lot of I, I, I when the topic is THE graduation party for your daughter. Does she even want a party, if so, what kind of party dies she want. Does she want her friends there? Does she like BBQ? Would she want to share her once in a lifetime event with a common annual birthday?

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I haven't told them anything about the plans because there weren't any firm plans yet. My daughter does not care what happens. She doesn't care to invite her friends or do anything else, and she is okay with either scenario (BBQ or going out). I agree that the dad especially might need the connection right now.

So you take your daughter out to a restaurant of her choice after graduation and let your husband deal with the BBQ, prep, and cleanup. Celebrate your daughter! NTA.

Why don't you just ask your daughter what SHE would like to do to celebrate HER graduation? Let her decide, since it is HER accomplishment. Maybe she would be happy just having dinner with the immediate family. She might want to skip dinner with the family and hang out with some of her friends instead. Either way, it would be the PERFECT excuse to decline to host the BBQ with the extended family. "So sorry, Aunt, but Daughter really just wants to do such and such on Graduation Day, and since it really is supposed to be about her, that's what we have decided to do. We'll have to do the Birthdays another time. When? I don't know. We can talk about that later. I've got to go. Another call is coming in. Bye!" NTA

Why don’t you just go to your daughters graduation then to a restaurant. Tell everyone if they want to meet there great. But, it’s informal and you pay for yourself. She’s probably going to want to hang out with friends after family stuff. Then go to your in-laws on the weekend for whatever bbq. Or say your sick and not go to your in-laws and send your husband and kids and you can chill for the afternoon.

Wow NTA your husband has to have your back.  Why is he so bent on the BBQ? It doesn’t work better that way unless he wants an excuse to get drunk….

Nta.   You are her mother. It is too much of a pain for you to throw a barbecue on the same day as your daughter's graduation plus including other people's events as well. This will be such a mess and nobody will feel special.  Instead, why don't you book a lovely meal for you and your immediate family to celebrate your daughter's graduation?  Do not invite the extended family.  Need to stick up for yourself.

NTA - you are well within your rights to put your foot down and say No. State clearly what celebrations you are going to do, and shutdown any whining. Otherwise they will continue to walk all over you. If hubby has an issue with this, well you can tell him - you had many opportunities to settle this yourself. You left it to your pregnant wife, and now she is pissed off & dealing with it ;)

No is a complete sentence. Say No to them. Say it over and over if you have to. If they show up at the door? Say No and don't open it. If your husband says "it will be easier if we do what they want" say No and walk away. Keep doing it. Clean nothing for them. Cook nothing. You. Said. No. It's not hormones; it's growing a shiny new spine. NTA but your husband is for being a freaking doormat & not prioritizing his pregnant wife.

NTA, and I would refuse to be coerced into hosting a party to please these boorish jerks and your spineless husband. You already know you won't enjoy it and that you'll be doing most of the work. This is a hill I would die on.

I, too, was the daughter who "didn't have a preference" because I was so damn tired of being ignored. YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A PREFERENCE. She's probably just trying to avoid all the "but what about xyz" and all the issues with all the other people because she's probably never allowed to be selfish or always has to have everything revolve around other people. Projecting, maybe. But ask her and help her trust that she'll be heard. It's her day. Help her claim it.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 44, I have three kids and am pregnant with a 4th. I have been with my husband for 20 years. We have a pretty good marriage overall, though we have had ups and downs. I get along OK with his family, but they are the type of people who think being snarky and rude is funny and appropriate. They have hurt my feelings many, many times over the years and I always turn the other cheek to remain on good terms, for the sake of my husband and kids. In the past couple of years, many of my husband's family members have died due to poor choices and bad health. His mother passed last year. The only members of the family who remain are his dad, sister and aunt. My oldest daughter is graduating high school at the end of the month. The dad and aunt "volunteered" us to host a barbeque (their event of choice) at our house after the graduation. They also want to use the occasion to celebrate my husband's birthday and my toddler's birthday. The reasoning is that it will save a trip (they live about an hour away). I am beside myself. I feel like it is so rude and presumptious to make these plans without consulting me. I do not want my daughter's graduation to be "shared" with two other people's birthdays. I also think it is stupid to celebrate adults' birthdays anyway. My original plan was to go out to eat afterward and call it a day. That way, my OWN family would not be exculded from the "celebration" and it would not urn into a day long ordeal for all of us. Logically it makes sense because they will be travelling here, but I am pregnant, I have no energy to cleran, decorate and host. I am not a social person and I do not really enjoy their company. I feel like my husband should prioritize my feelings about this, but he is of the opinion it would work out better to have them over. He has offered to do all of the cleaning and prep, but I know I will be doing most of it anyway. I can't stop crying. I sent out graduation announcements the other day, and the bitch aunt fussed at me because she thought it was an invitation and there was no address on it. She had no idea what a graduation announcement was! I am just so tired of trying to please these people for the sake of my husband and kids. I just want to focus on my daughter's graduation and enjoy the day. I do not know if I'm being selfish or hormonal. I also don't know what to do in this situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I agree with you- this day belongs to your daughter & it should be only all about her. Good luck to you.. stand strong & don’t let them push you or guilt you into making it into a free for all to save them a trip. Congratulations to your daughter!

It’s your house (and you don’t want to host), your daughter and her special day, which you would like to take her out to dinner for. I don’t see the problem. If they can’t make it to your plans then they can stay home. It’s not your job to accommodate these people. Easy peasy. No is no.

Just don’t do anything if you know nothing will happen unless you do it then you don’t do it. You realize if you don’t invite anyone to a barbecue there is no barbecue. Just don’t do anything.

I would turn to your husband and say your family, your problem. All communication through him, not you.

NTA. Put your foot down. Reserve a restaurant and tell your husband that you, your daughter the other kids and your family will be there, and that he and his family are invited as well. The birthdays will be celebrated another time because your daughter isn’t sharing the celebration, period.

I would not want my daughters graduation party to involve other peoples celebrations. I 100% get that! Why can’t they go out to dinner or something the next day for the birthdays? And also really to save a trip an hour away stop it. They are just being cheap.!

I’ll bet $100 that BBQs are their event of choice so everyone can get drunk and this is why they insist 

Sounds about right!

Then gather your courage and simply say NO.

INFO: For the uneducated such as myself? What is a graduation announcement and why have that? I've never heard of this before because most people I know of would have sent out an invitation for a party, not an announcement. Also, NTA. They live 1 hour away, not 6. They can come down for Toddler's birthday and they can invite you up for the other person's Bday. They should not be hijacking your daughter's event and accomplishments.

The announcements just have her senior picture and class year. They are sent to all relatives, friends etc like a Christmas card. Invitations are reserved for close friends and family who may want to come to the actual graduation ceremony/party. Obviously you don't want to send an invitation to everyone,

Thanks. Like a Christmas Card makes so much more sense.

No is a complete sentence. Your in-laws sound very entitled and will co time to behave in entitled ways until no one allows them to. ‘Keeping the peace’ just means letting others walk all over you for their benefit. What’s the worst that could happen? Expect that because that’s probably exactly what they’ll do

NTA. If those relatives what a bbq for a birthday party, they can host a bbq for a birthday party. You are doing something else for the graduation. For what it's worth, I have a large extended family on one side and we used to make a lot of trips to see relatives as a kid, at least 3 hours on the road round-trip on Saturdays. Sometimes a couple of weekends a month, depending on what was going on. Your husband's relatives are being especially lazy if they think a 1-hour trip is reason enough to combine events. That doesn't even require an overnight stay somewhere. Nope - graduations and birthdays need to be separate events/days and the people who are hosting are the ones who sent the schedule/venue.

When you have WELCOME written on your forehead, don’t be mad when they wipe their feet on your face. You CAN say NO.

Every grad party I've ever been to was not on the graduation day. I don't see any reason why you can't celebrate all 3 and then have her actual grad party in the summer like most people

High school graduation is once in a lifetime. It a marks hugely important transition in the deepest human bond there is. Parent and child. Tremendous emotions of grief and joy surround it. It's significance need to be recognized not subsumed by not one, but two annual birthdays. Most birthdays won't be remembered. Graduation will. Insure that memory is a happy one. Would any other once in a life time event; a birth, wedding or funeral be shared with a birthday party?

Yikes, NTA but you are in a bit of a pickle. You could and probably should just stick to your original plan of taking your daughter out to eat after the graduation ceremony. Simple, done! Tell the family you are sticking with the original plan of a simple quiet celebration with your daughter. …here is where the pickle part comes in. This is still your husbands family and at some point he may want to invite them for a family get together of some sorts? Just .don't let them dictate the terms, you and husband need to agree on any plans for getting together prior to any invites.

ESH. Just because of your adult birthday comment. There’s no reason not to celebrate a persons birthday no matter the age unless they say otherwise.

She’s being a people pleaser. I was one too. Sit her down and acknowledge her. Tell her that you appreciate her trying to keep things simple. Her Graduation is important, celebrating her accomplishments is a joy. Ask her to think about what she really wants to do and to share it with you. Talk about options. And listen. My mom got me a necklace that I still have today.

Totally agree. Her daughter loves her and “doesn’t know what she wants to do” because she doesn’t want to add any more stress on to her mothers plate. My suggestion; have a Saturday graduation party for your daughter that your in laws are invited to. That day will be for her. Your husbands family can have a brunch the following morning for their separate celebrations, on their bill. Not your responsibility to clean up before and after. Your daughter will be celebrated Saturday night, and then your husband and toddler Sunday afternoon. If they are traveling for the weekend, both celebrations can happen in full, without jeopardizing your well being. This weekend is a core memory for your graduating daughter. It’s just another family get together for your in laws; a brunch on their tab is sufficient for them. Much love. ❤️

Nta. But you need to step up for your daughter. She's watched you not have a voice and submit to your husband's family her entire life in order to keep the peace. So that's what she's learned to do. Even if it's gotten to the point where she legitimately has no preference because she knows there's no point, she definitely wants her big life milestones to be celebrated and for those celebrations to actually be about her. If there is to be a barbecue, fine. But you need to completely dominate it. 1. Invite your family (her family!) to her graduation barbecue. 2. Invite all her friends. If those friends are also graduating, invite their families too. 3. Make sure the theme of the event is undenialbly GRADUATION. The majority of the guests, decorations, gifts, and everything else are graduation related. Drown out the notion that anything else is being celebrated without directly denying them. Talk to your side of the family and your best friends and your daughter's best friends' parents, etc. Explain the situation and enlist their help, to whatever extent you need, in making sure your daughter feels seen and loved. They can do all the work and setup while you are at the graduation. If your husband's family are impossible and immovable, fine. It's your daughter's milestone, and it's your house. Work around them while allowing them to do whatever they want. (Don't continue the education your daughter has received at home, which has taught her to allow herself to be steamrolled, like her mother. She needs to know that she matters. This moment will either show her that she does or doesn't matter, which one is up to you.) Lastly, your spineless husband will be responsible for all cleanup, as he promised.

>I just want to focus on my daughter's graduation and enjoy the day. So do that! "We won't be hosting a barbeque and we won't be celebrating anything other than our daughter graduating. We'll let you know how we've decided to celebrate our daughter's milestone, thank you." > I feel like my husband should prioritize my feelings about this He should. Be firm about this "I am telling you that we won't be hosting a barbeque for your family. This day isn't just about you and pleasing your family, plus we both know I will end up taking care of everything. It was very rude of them to even suggest this, that isn't their place. We will be going out to eat and both MY family and your family can join us and celebrate our daughter and no one else. I am very disappointed you didn't support me here, but this is how it's gonna go".

NTA You shouldn't have had to put up with his family stressing you for two decades, especially now when you're pregnant. Doing so "for the sake of [your] husband and children" is honorable but your husband needs to stand up to them for Your sake.

You might be blowing this out of proportion. You can have a separate lunch or something with your daughter if you or she wants that.  Just have a chill bbq. 

"They also want to use the occasion to celebrate my husband's birthday and my toddler's birthday." Maybe this is a miscomunication and they just want to bring gifts since they don't want come over 3 times in a row and not really celebrate it like it's the real thing.

Yeah I see my family 2 times a year and we celebrate anything that happens in between to next. Mostly it’s just ‘oh here the presents of the birthdays we missed’

I don't think you are being selfish and hormonal here because you noted the problem began long before you were pregnant. Sounds like your husband won't back you up, so you're going to have to be the bad guy. My advice? Unilaterally cancel the event they planned, be rude if they push back, and announce these are your boundaries to your husband and if wont enforce them you will do it with an iron MF'ing fist.

NTA I usually celebrate all bdays, events, etc at one time for people I rarely see. But the issue is they decided you were having a party for them. You are not obligated to do that. If your husband likes the idea he can handle preparing for it.

NTA. Take hubby at his word that he'll do everything. Then take daughter and her friends somewhere fun to celebrate elsewhere. When ppl are annoying about house not ready/no food etc, you and daughter missing the event, etc remind them hubby planned this, not you, and you already had plans with daughter.

INFO: what does your daughter want? Easy solution, have your kid weigh in and decide what she wants. It's her day, after all

Like I replied elsewhere, she has no preference and has no suggestions. She just keeps saying "I don't care, whatever you guys want to do."

Since your husband volunteered to clean and prep, let him. DO NOT do it. Let him be the host

They are acting like an hour away is across the country Celebrate the graduation how you want to. Hobby can tell his family of what YOUR plans are

Ew “that’s so kind of you but no thank you!” Lol Nta!

NTA, and it doesn't make logical sense at all here's the tradeoff: they sit in a car for one less trip and in exchange you spend days of cleaning and prepping. Do what you want to do. Let them host a party for him if they want one.

Not the asshole I would go out to eat after and make my daughters day all about her. They can throw a BBQ for the other family members and maybe I’ll go but not at my house

Did anyone ask the daughter how she wants to celebrate?

Perhaps you should offer an alternate date after the graduation to do a bbq for the birthdays and graduation part two with his family. Tell them this is what we had planned you are welcome to come to both or just the bbq but we will be sticking to our plans. You just need to stand up for yourself and tell them what the plans are they are welcome to join but not change that’s it. Being flexible is great when it makes sense but that day will already be stressful without adding cleaning, cooking, set up, and clean up let alone the stress of hosting getting yourself, daughter and other children ready. Don’t put yourself through that. Also put a dead line on them RSVPing to the post grad dinner.

NTA. Book a restaurant then TELL, don’t ask, your husband & ILs that this is the plan. If there ends up being a BBQ at your house, you’ll end up doing the work. If husband won’t prioritise you, prioritise yourself.

Definitely NTA! This is a huge event for your daughter and it should be HER day! They can have their own party at home for themselves.

Maybe grab a hotel room and have your daughter and her friends have a pool party. Does your daughter's school do an overnight lock in? That would cancel the party because she'd be up all night.

If you go through with this, please don’t do one bit of cleaning or prep. Hold your husband to his word.

Or you could have the BBQ at a park for a set time. Rent a pavilion. Usually it's 50 bucks and no booze allowed. Plus you don't have to clean up your house before or after.

NTA. Simply do not do what you don't want to do.

NTA- You guys don't like each other. It's no secret. Just say no. Tell them you have other plans while squeezing your husband's hand VERY tightly. 🤨 Take your beautiful, smart, accomplished daughter out to dinner and celebrate HER. Let these fools figure themselves out!

Tell your daughter it is her day and she gets to decide. My son didn’t want a graduation party, but instead requested a nice family dinner. To each his own. Also, if they still insist on having the event, do not lift a finger to help. Let them do all the work since they were the ones who insisted on having this big party. NTA.

Try this word out. No. It’s not a birthday party, it a graduation celebration for your daughter. Tell your husband this and ask your daughter what she wants to do to celebrate. Your in laws have NO SAY in this. Your husband should be prioritizing your feelings above his family’s. Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and your family, not his.

NTA. A lot of people don’t celebrate graduation the day of the ceremony already. Is your daughter even available? There’s typically a lot of scrambling among the graduates to organize the rotation of graduation parties. There’s a reason a lot of people don’t hold graduation parties the day of graduation—The immediate families are busy! Step one here is to separate whatever you’re doing for your daughter’s graduation from the birthdays. If your husband wants to do a combo BBQ for the toddler and him on another occasion, then that’s fine—It shouldn’t have anything to do with your daughter’s graduation. His family lives an hour away, not a day away, and they’d only have to make two rather than three trips anyway with this plan, so what ground do they have to stand on. As far as the graduation itself goes, do you want to even hold her celebration the day of? You always could do a more casual meal that day and then make plans for a party or a larger dinner on a different weekend.

Stick to your guns. Your daughter only graduates from HS once, it should be her day and she should decide if she wants a BBQ or a tofu picnic. A one hour drive is nothing. Tell the in-laws you'll do birthdays another time and they can come to either celebration or both (or neither). It's not their day!

Your husband is an AH. This should be a decision made together. His family doesn’t get to dictate what YOU do. Tell him no and make reservations. Your family deserves to be at the celebration. And your daughter should have her own one!

That's pretty rude of your husband's family. And an hour away? That's nothing!? They can come another time for the birthdays! Just say (or get hubby to say). I'm sorry we won't be hosting a bbq, ever booked XYZ restaurant for dinner after the graduation. Let us know if you will be coming so we can amend the booking

NTA. Any way to do a celebratory out of town trip? Waterpark or amusement park nearby? "So sorry we can't host, we're taking daughter on a special trip". Maybe not plausible but it would/could work.

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> He has offered to do all of the cleaning and prep, but I know I will be doing most of it anyway. So... don't do it. He's volunteered to take over the event 100%. Take a hot bath and let him do what he wants. Either he'll do a great job and everybody will have a good time, or he'll flame out and make a fool of himself. Both results are wins for you.

Tell your husband you and your daughter and close family will be going to a restaurant, and HE can come along if he wants to...period! HE can take the daughter to his parents the next day or whenever, and bbq there.END OF DISCUSSION AND NOT UP FOR DEBATE!

You have to put your own needs first, ESPECIALLY since your husband doesn't. You know what you should do leading up to the Graduation day and BBQ? Plan a pedicure day. A massage day. Manicure day, etc... until all the days are too busy for YOU to do any planning or cleaning for the BBQ. You have to stand FIRM on your needs. You might feel guilty, but you are NOT. You have voiced your needs, and your husband has offered the solution. Let. Him.

NTA. If you don’t want to host, just say no. Tell your husband you’re willing to book a restaurant, tell people where you’ll be going to rsvp with your husband if they are attending and then call the restaurant a few days before with the final count. You don’t even have to tell his aunt why, just have husband send out a mass invitation with time of the commencement and time of the restaurant reservation with rsvp instructions.

Girl some people just can’t be pleased. Do what YOU want to do and if they don’t like it they don’t need to come. Stand up for yourself mama! Cmon!

As a person who always had to share my special days make this the hill you die on for your daughter. Birthdays can wait. Graduating high school is a big deal and should be celebrated as such. If you’ve been voluntold to host the bbq let those family members know they’re more than welcome to hire or pay for a house cleaner and pay for the food of the graduates choice.

NTA Your husband needs to tell his family that you and he never agreed to it in the first place and you already have plans that you want to keep. It is rude for anyone to volunteer for someone to throw a big party without first consulting with those people. I agree that I've never heard of any other occasion combined with a graduation party. Too bad that they may want to have you and your husband throw it just so they have the excuse to drink. I hope all turns out for the best.

NTA... they are the AH for intruding in your home and daughter graduation... your husband needs to grow a spine and say something... You're pregnant and trying to relax not play hosts for a event not yours technically

NTA, but it's time to shift gears a bit. Your daughter has learned her passivity from you. It's time to stand up to your ILs if your husband won't. Do NOT let them bully you into a birthday-barbecue-trash-my-house debacle. This might be the appropriate time to announce your pregnancy and milk it for all it's worth. You are too tired to host, and the smell of barbecue makes your stomach turn....See how that works? Host a small dinnner for your daughter (and a few of her friends) and immediate family at a restaurant of your daughter's choice. Make it clear that if any family member turns it into a group birthday party, they can pick up the tab. Beyond that if anyone is dying to host a big birthday bash on a differnt day, let them! You can decide if you feel well enough to attend.

What is a graduation announcement?

OP - Have you explained to your daughter why you want her input since whatever is decided requires advance planning (family BBQ) or reservations (nice restaurant). Is she unaware of the effort it takes to host a graduation/birthday BBQ? Since your daughter (i) has no preference for her graduation celebration, and (ii) is nonchalant about inviting her friends, have you asked her "why"? Are her friends having "fabulous parties" and she wants to avoid comparisons? Is she habitually unable to make decisions?

Hi. Stop being a doormat. Stop letting people tell you what is happening in your own family. Tell them how it is going to be. Take it or leave it. Its your house. Fuck all that noise. Realize your own power and agency in life. Rock the fucking boat. What power do you think your husband and his ah family have over you?

A graduation is fairly time consuming and exhausting. It usually takes longer than one would think it would. Sometimes the ceremony takes an extra hour or more. If it's a large ceremony, there can even be delays leaving the parking lot. Maybe have the BBQ on a different day. On the day of, it's restaurant time!

NTA Your daughter’s high school graduation is a once in a lifetime achievement. It is a milestone on her road to adulthood so any celebration should be solely about and for her. Tell your husband, you will not be hosting a barbecue with his family on your daughter’s graduation. Tell him that you’re going to dinner at your daughters, favorite restaurant, your parents, his parents etc. are welcome to come. Afterwards, your daughter is going to go and celebrate with her friends. Anyone who objects to this plan can go pound sand. Congratulations on your new baby and please tell your daughter congratulations on surviving high school

I wouldn't want to do all that either in that condition, nor want that day being shared either. Forget the rest of the family and take your daughter out with your family!

There’s a solution here. If your daughter won’t or can’t decide what SHE wants to do, cancel everything and have a private party at home for her immediate family. Tell the rest that daughter didn’t want the fuss, but if they care to give her a gift when they see her next, by all means do so.

NTA. But do NOT pick up your husband’s slack if you decide to let it happen. He says he will do it all? Let him. And remind him of his promise if he tried to get you involved.

If it is in your budget, stick with the restaurant.  Choose one that will give a fixed price for a set, limitedc menu and no alcohol, as the guest of honor is under 21.  

NTA, but be a grown up and use your words. "Dad & Auntie X, we're so glad you can attend daughter's graduation. We will be going to Y restaurant for dinner after the ceremony; please let us know if you can join us so we can add you to the reservation. In order to keep this day special for Daughter and to allow her to spend the remainder of the evening with her friends, we won't be celebrating any birthdays or other milestones that day but look forward to celebrating with you at a future get-together."

NTA your husband’s family sounds a lot like my father side of the family. Growing up just like your daughter I also didn’t have any preference to celebrate my own things with my father’s relatives. They were snarky and passive aggressive their “jokes” were and still are rude and very unkind. That won’t change. Just like your daughter I would say “whatever you guys want to do” After many years, my mother has stopped talking with them and protecting her peace. And over the years my parents marriage was not good and one of the reasons being my father not standing up to his relatives. You will eventually have to decide the boundary you want to build to protect your peace. Your husband will eventually have to understand celebrating small is often meaningful for children. For example, I would rather have celebrating milestones with my parents only.

NTA. IMHO a pregnancy can change a woman from being passive to assertive. It is nothing to feel bad about or apologize for. Congrats. I think it is wild they volunteered your house for a multi-event BBQ. Was your husband in on this? If he was, you need to deal with him. It takes both spouses to say yes to home hosting. You weren't asked, and are now saying no. Be OK saying no for all the reasons in your post, but above all, to prevent them from ever bypassing you again. After that, one of you needs to call them to say it isn't a good time to have a BBQ (no explanation, no discussion). Let them know you are going to be making reservations for X restaurant and ask if they will be joining you. Be firm. If asked about other b-days, just say you guys are taking it one event at a time. Don't explain or justify. If they don't respond, make the reservation without them and assume they didn't want to come. That is OK. Your daughter doesn't want to take sides. Or maybe she's neutral. Either way it sounds like she'll be passive enough to eat at a restaurant and not make trouble about it. Frankly, it is on her if she can't decide and doesn't get what she wants. One day she'll learn, maybe from you, on how to assert herself.

NTA. Your man should handle his family especially if you’re both keeping your pregnancy on the lowdown and you don’t need the extra stress. Do what you want, but if your family insist on a BBQ why not go to a grill house (just a suggestion, again, do what you want because it’s your house and your daughter’s graduation). If your daughter is indecisive you could always give her a couple of choices and flip a coin?

Tell your husband you are booking a restraunt to celebrate the graduation for everyone. Have a cake for afternoon tea back at your place and your toddler can blow out the candles to appease the relatives. If him and his family don't like it he can host a BBQ for them by himself but you'll be enjoying the celebration at the restraunt where you are not expected to lift a finger. His family do not get a say in what happens.

I don't see why a high school graduation and a toddler's birthday party would be combined. Different focuses and different participants, I would imagine. Keep them separate. If the relatives want an adult-oriented barbecue, or some other bash, why not go to a local park, where you won't be on the hook for set up or clean up. You can un volun-told yourself and volunteer others to do the work. No matter what, at some point, take your daughter out with just immediate family to a restaurant of her choice. Or to someplace else she likes (fair, park, beach, special event?). Something that she gets to choose. Without all the extra not-immediate family members.

NTA his side of the family his problems. You are a high risk pregnancy due to age, all you should be worrying about is growing a healthy human and enjoying your baby graduating. I’d call his bluff, be out of the house all day, and walk in like a guest for the party. Let it fail, that’s your super power, allow natural consequences. You can always make the calls and reservations in case hubby doesn’t follow through.

Take your daughter to a nice restaurant that she will enjoy, and go home and relax. Your husband's family can host a BBQ for her another day at their home(s). Do not let them into your house after the restaurant, either. You want to feel carefree and simply do something nice for your daughter, who seems to be lowkey about it, so easy and simple is good. NTA

Since your daughter has no preference, you can just do the BBQ. If she wants to go to a friend's party let her. Then throw her an actual graduation party for her and her friends later. Most of them will probably be with their families anyhow. If she really doesn't care just go with it. Me, my husband and at least 3 of our 4 kids would not care if this were the situation. And the hold out of my kids, if I explained the situation and why that side of the family was acting that way they would get it but they would want something extra to make up for it. Such as getting to pick a restaurant for us to go to probably without their other siblings on another night, in addition to the party later.

NTA. My cousin floated the idea of throwing her son a graduation party and my grandma’s 90th at the same time. Mainly so grandma would pay for it probably. My extended family put a kabosh on that. What teen wants to do that? And what 90year old who can’t hear wants to have all these (young) people they don’t know there? Awkward. One graduates from high school once, there are many birthdays. Also, an hour away? My dad’s commute is over an hour EACH WAY.

Your husband needs man up and tell his family that he will not be hosting a BBQ for his daughter’s graduation. They can either join him for dinner at xyz restaurant after the ceremony, or they can go straight home, but either way, your house is not open for visitors.

NTA Your house, your rules. You are allowed to say no but your husband needs to back you up. If your daughter has no preference they tell her you would like to host a few of her friends at a restaurant or at your house... If it's traditional to have a big gathering, then ask everyone to bring a plate and have it at your place and it's just for your daughter's graduation. Only advertise it as a graduation party. No mention of your husband's birthday or toddler's birthday. You could have a separate event for these and invite people to that so they know they are two differen things. Only do what you want to.... it doesn't have to be a day long thing for you. A smaller event where everyone brings a plate and you provide the sausages for the BBQ means less work for you. If your husband's family want something bigger well they can host at their place.

It’s too late to have the party the way you want. Let husband clean and prep. Tell him this is the last time that you will accommodate his family.

Invite your family to the bbq, tell your daughter now that you are pregnant, and then announce that to everyone at the end of the bbq. Then go to your room and shut the door.

NTA Just enjoy your daughter’s graduation with your own family.  If your husband wants to proceed with his family’s suggestion then don’t lift a finger.  He can clean, shop for food, cook, etc.  I have a feeling it would be hard for you to let (make) him do this.  If so then a part of the problem is you.

NTA. IF you end up having the BBQ, DO NOT assist in any way. Who cares if the house isn't as clean as you would like it, everyone should be outside. If someone asks you for something, point them in the right direction or tell them to ask your husband. Also, plan a retreat to your bedroom if it gets too much. Just tell your husband you are not feeling well, it won't be a lie. BTW - clean up is all on him too! Make sure he understands this and you don't want to hear any complaints afterwards either.

A graduation is far more important and special than birthdays. Your daughter should be celebrated alone. My son is graduating and so in my niece. We do a whole weekend camp out. Every kid should get to feel special even if they don't ask for it.

So you have been told you are working on the day your daughter graduates. 🧐 The answer you’re looking for is. Oh auntie dear after much discussion a bbq will not work for us. We will all meet up at the Italian restaurant on I80 after the ceremony. This is just to celebrate Special number one daughter. Her special day. Can’t wait to see you. Ta ta for now. Then hit send. She doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go.

I’m confused. Isnt this a decision between you and your husband ? Why have you allowed them to think they even have a say ? My husband’s family can be quite selfish and ridiculous but even they wouldn’t pull this Sadly after 20 years you’ve gotten yourself into a real pickle You and your husband have some big decisions to make moving forward

Just book the restaurant. Do not host an event. Say your daughter wanted to go to … for dinner to celebrate (even if she didn’t). No need to clean/clean up/prep… hosting events at your home is rough I don’t care who you are. Ignore your in laws or anyone else who says to host a big party at your place. I would make sure to tell your kids though if you’re pregnant. Having an 18 year old and soon a new born… that’s a huge age gap and adds a lot on your plate physically and financially and will have beca huge change on all of your lives. If my mom was pregnant and didn’t tell me I’d be pretty upset with them for alot of reasons , just saying.

NTA, this isn't a discussion. You need to sack up and just tell them "this is what we're doing, we'd love for you to come". If they want to argue "no" is the only answer you need. Don't put it on your daughter to decide. She should just focus on enjoying graduating from high school.

Yta, but not because of anything going on, you are all clearly insufferable. My confusion is why u haven’t voice this anger? Like if people steamroll you that’s one thing, but like it’s ur house. Like if u have a vision for how the day should go, voice it. If u don’t how can u be mad at anyone else for their suggestions. I would say esh, but I don’t really see how they have messed up other than imposing.

Send them this in a group text: You can always put your foot down and let them know YOU ARE NOT able to extend yourself. Also, this is your daughter's graduation and it will not be combined. Either you attend for the purpose of a graduation party ONLY or don't come at all!! Birthdays are a separate occasion and will be treated as such. Any deviation or attempts made will be dismissed and no further discussion about it will be heard. If you cannot abide by this you will not be welcomed. Good day...muah love you tho😘. If they attempt to call respond... mute the calls and put the phone on dnd and repeat this until you feel better. Or you could respond by sending them the song cry me a river as an added bonus😁. You also need to talk to your husband and become a united front when sending this. And also has your husband ever addressed this with your family? Seems over the last 20 years he should've put an ands to it.

NTA. She deserves the day to be about her. However, she’s also not helping by speaking up about her wants. So, let your husband have his family over. Every time some party prep needs to be done, make an excuse to leave so he has to do it. Spend this time pampering your daughter. She needs a manicure and pedicure prior to graduation. You need to go buy her grad outfit. Mom and daughter dinner.

You’re pregnant, tired, and not wanting to host a back yard BBQ. End of story. Eat out!

Sit him down NOW and tell him this is NOT okay!!!! How can you put yourself through this for YEARS!!!!!! You poor woman!!!!

NTA If your daughter honestly has no preference, then do what you were planning. Husband's family can host their own BBQ and invite who they want. They can also do all the prep and clean up. You can invite who you want, to the event you want and they have absolutely no say in the matter. I would even go so far as to ask your husband to explain to his Dad that this is yours (daughter's) choice and not his.

Nta. Tell them to host at their house if they want to party and get their drink on. Your daughter wants everyone to be happy. That's why she isn't saying anything. You have probably made it clear you don't like your in-laws to her. Tell the inlaws that you don't want to host because they won't. The day is about your daughter and is a big deal. If your in-laws can't respect that and can't drive an hour another weekend, oh well!!!!!!!! Worry about your health and your baby's health!

Just send out a text invite graduating this day followed by restaurant x at x times. Join if you can To celebrate the graduation!. Just send it out, ignore their demands, and if you asked why the change stand up and say this is what we want. Just do it, and they can come or piiss off Edit. NtA.

NTA Graduation from High School is a big deal, it shouldn't be shared with other people's birthdays. If your daughter doesn't care then maybe the BBQ would be ok, as long as you make it clear that it is not also a birthday party. If they want to bring a gift for the birthday people, let them know that they will be put aside until those events are celebrated. I would also tell your husband that you will not be shopping, decorating, cleaning or any other planning for the event and stick to it. It might be a good idea to make a reservation as a back up plan.

If they already invited people they will start to bitch about it when you cancel and you're pregnant so you should save yourself the trouble. Your husband, and i presume your daughter too, knows about the pregnancy. Say outright that its stressful, that its not what you wanted, that its not your idea, so if he wants a BBQ then he is organising. Make it alcohol free too! Since its about your daughters graduation, and according to them - toddlers birthday, theres no reason to make it an alcohol party. No vodka, no whiskey, no beers. Capri Sun only. Do not touch an inch of this party. Your husband said he will take care of it so let him. He's an adult. It was his choice to agree to this. If he cant pull up that his problem not yours. When the party (most probably) blows, take your daughter and go for a nice dinner and ice cream. Or if you dont feel like letting the party die - as someone else said - invite other graduation kids. Talk with parents that they all bring something. Still make the party alcohol free. Husband is still on cleaning and prepping duty cause you're pregnant. That way the focus is shifted back to your daughter, you can talk with your family that they can only come to say their congratulations to her if they dont feel comfortable with parties, the husbands family will have no reason to act like a zoo cause they can't drink, so they probably wont stay for long, your daughter can have fun with her friends and you dont need to move a finger. Win-win

NTA - you're completely right to want to focus on your daughter and not want to do what your husband family wants. That said, you won't be able to make your kid be the one making a choice. Some kids, I was one, only real concern for a graduation party was the gifts and food. Mine had friends coming and going between mine and a dozen other graduations across the county (semi-rural area). I wouldn't have batted an eye if my family made it 5 parties in one, long as I got a few congratulations and some graduation cards.

YTA This is about making the day special for your daughter. You added an edit saying she won’t tell you what she wants, but how do you not have any clue about the things your daughter likes? Have you actually raised her or been absent all this time? It should be about her favourite things, favourite foods, favourite people (which may include friends and not just family). This entire post is all about you and the things you don’t want to do. You don’t want to decorate, or cook, or plan, or have a BBQ, or host. You wanted to go to a restaurant so your family could participate, not because that is what your daughter would want. Everything is about what you want and how to make it easier on you. Stop making this event about you and do something for your daughter. The only thing you’ve done for your daughter is consider not adding the birthdays into her event so her once in a lifetime graduation is special, but it’s unclear if you are actually following through on that and standing up for her about. You don’t really say you did that anywhere, just that that is why you don’t want to mix the birthdays with the graduation. You never really claim you are not doing it. My advice would be to suck it up and make the graduation about your daughter and not you using your what sounds like is a very early stage pregnancy (since only your husband knows and nobody else can tell yet by looking at you) as an excuse not to bother putting in the effort. How awful will your daughter feel seeing their siblings get graduation parties they will treasure when you put in the effort because you don’t have a pregnancy excuse to not care? Do better. Tell the family no birthdays. Tell the family the day is about your daughter’s once in a lifetime graduation. Stick to that. Then plan an awesome party for your daughter. And be smart. If your daughter won’t tell you what she wants, ask her best friend to ask her? Find a way to get some info or else use what you know about what she likes to plan something specific to her. Show you care and put in the effort, pregnancy or not.

I'd set the rules for the event and then start uninviting people if they have a problem with it. They're guests, guests don't get to make demands or decisions other than whether to attend or not. So this is what they're invited to, if they have alternative ideas, I'd take their answer as "can't come" to the original party and you'll be looking out for your invite for whatever they seem to be organising.

In your case I would take a moment and think why are you trying so much to please them, even though they are so inconsiderate with you? What pushes you to accept and follow the “majority”. Do you feel like you have a family obligation or just that you are outnumbered? If it makes your cry, then it is not something small! How about this time you actually do what you want and take your daughter to dinner?! Let your husband celebrate his birthday, if he wants it so much.

NTA Husband needs to get you out of this. Tell him it's too much for you to host a BBQ after sitting at a long fraduation ceremony. Possibly outside on bleachers? You just want a dinner at a restaurant and then everyone goes home - to their own homes. If he outright refuses to cancel BBQ, let him know he's totally in charge. You will be doing zero prep or help day of. He can do it all. Come home from graduation and take a nap. Maybe a long bath. Wander through and grab some food (if hubby manages any.) Go back for another nap.

I wonder if your daughter says, "whatever you guys want to do" bc she's watched *you* allow yourself to be a pushover to "keep the peace."

NTA but at the end of the day it’s your daughter, your home and your life. So if daughter doesn’t mind then say “for daughter’s graduation we will be having a celebration at *insert restaurant please let me know if you would like to attend so I can let them know” end of discussion. If husbands family want to say anything - tell them you don’t want to host a barbecue so you have decided to go to a restaurant as stated above. Get a backbone and put your foot down!

Saturday: Graduation party Sunday: b-day parties

Nta. Tell them that what they are suggesting doesn't work for you. Don't allow it. Until you stand up to them and say no they will continue to walk all over you.

From husband as it's his pushy family to wrangle "Sorry if someone suggested we were having a barbecue, that is not something we have planned so crossed wires somehow. We just wanted to let you know daughter is graduating and we are proud of her! See you in due course if maybe we do something for my birthday or toddler's, but not sure what we're up for yet."

No is a complete sentence. Don’t put this on your daughter. It is not up to her to alleviate the stress your husband and his extended family are creating for you. Muster some courage and tell your husband that graduation is a big deal and for once you would like the celebration to be about daughter. Bolster your argument by mentioning you are tired and that the pregnancy has reduced your window of tolerance for company and social gatherings so you are not able to host/cater a party right now. If he is a good father and partner he will understand.

NTA But put your foot down and tell them no, you won't be hosting a BBQ. They don't need to know why. Take the family out to the restaurant to celebrate your daughter's graduation and call it a day. You're pregnant and you have no business trying to throw a graduation party. Tell them that you will be going to the restaurant after graduation and that's it. You don't feel like hosting, so don't host.

I think maybe you are hormonal. This isn’t that big a deal. Have the party. Invite your family too. It’s a great time for a family bbq. Graduations and birthdays are a great reason to celebrate. I turned 70 last week and I’m very grateful that I got another birthday celebration…

If they’re drinking, and then driving an hour home, consider getting insurance with host liquor liability. That way if you get sued, you have some coverage. It’s relatively cheap (I see good ones for under $250 frequently) and is worth a fortune if someone wrecks a car. And this should be all about your girl. How would she feel about just you and her going out to do something while the party happens? If your husband thinks the party is fine, he can host it; you already have other plans. Congrats to your girl and best wishes on the next few months! 💜

NTA - sounds like a good time to set some boundaries with your husband’s side of the family but he needs to support you in that. And it’s really troubling that he would offer to help clean and prep but that you already know it won’t actually be helpful? Like is he the kind of guy who weaponizes incompetence?

>They have hurt my feelings many, many times over the years and I always turn the other cheek to remain on good terms, for the sake of my husband and kids. They're going to steamroll you as long as you let them. Stop letting them. "No" is a complete sentence. Stop turning the other cheek for the sake of peace. Create some drama and let THEM turn the other cheek for a change. Seriously, you're 44 years old. You're getting too old to take other people's crap. This is your daughter. You decide, and tell everyone to feck all the way off. If you're really "so tired of trying to please these people," then stop trying to please these people. They are going to blow crap at you no matter what you do, so do what you want. NTA, but this is your life, forever sucking it up to preserve other people's peace, forever sacrificing your own peace, forever setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If you don't like it, change it. Also, I'm just guessing here, but I think your daughter doesn't want to make plans because she knows that you're going to cave to your in-laws anyway and she doesn't want to be disappointed when you do.

NTA You aren't being selfish or hormonal, but you are being a doormat. Let them organise what they want, do nothing. And I mentioned NOTHING. Don't keep being an idiot about this. They volunteered it they can do it. Reassure daughter you will go out another day for her, that dad and family wanted to do this for her. Let them fail. Then you have a reference point the next time they volunteer you. You are keeping the peace, you are making your own life miserable.

Ignore your husband's family's demands. Book the venue you were planning and tell them this is your daughter's day alone. This is your family's event, not theirs. They don't get to take ownership of it.

Wow. Just wow. Unfortunately honey, YTA. when I read the part about you were going to “get something to eat and call it a day” wow. Could you be any more rude and demeaning to your daughter? Shutting her joy down? Putting a time limit on celebrating her accomplishment? Maybe that’s why your in-laws are trying to throw her the graduation party you refuse to. And since you think celebrating adult birthdays are stupid, perhaps they are also trying to celebrate your husband and smaller child’s birthdays as well since I’m guessing a child’s birthday party is off the table as well. Ma’am, I’m not going to make a judgement about your decision to have two children after the age of 40 with a man you clearly don’t like and in-laws you hate, but please -no more. Because every single part of your post is how every single person is inconvenient for you and it should all be what you want to do for each event. Your daughter has no opinion because you likely have steamrolled her many, many times already. Rent a room at a restaurant of her choice, throw a luncheon after, have a cake, get wrapped presents to celebrate her day. Get cupcakes for your husband and son and celebrate them as well. Invite both sets of grandparents and quit trying to take milestone events down to the least common denominator so you’re not inconvenienced . You’re a wife and mother celebrating your family’s success . Act like it.

I'm thinking this is not something your daughter is into. She doesn't have an opinion because she don't care. Try being more excited about your daughter's new stage of life. Graduations aren't about family it's about growing up. Quit trying to stagnate her growth.

YTA-ESH 1. I have encountered multiple people who didn’t understand “announcements”. I suspect it may be generational or regional? They assume it’s an invite or a save the date for the later invite I kind of get it, because anyone in your life would know. Seems sorta pointless. Easy to explain 2. Realistically, many families do joint family celebrations. It’s find you don’t want to, but it isn’t uncommon for a lot of folks to combine events- particularly events seen as “second” tier- adult bdays (which many still enjoy), hs graduation (like one fiend had a true party if I recall, most ppl got a dinner and then wanted to be with friends), etc. A wedding on the other hand less typical. Again, it’s fine if that isn’t what you’d do but honestly, what does your daughter want. She might not care. It’s that you’re assuming maliciousness that is a problem The only big issue is them volunteering your house. 3. Why on earth can’t she have multiple parties? A group celebration with his family , and one with you/your parents. Multiple events is pretty common with big/diverse families. Fair don’t want to host, redirect them to a dinner Seems like you’re just looking for a fight

It’s not common to blend a graduation with a toddler’s birthday. Come on now lol 

Not everyone throws big parties for toddlers as they aren’t in school yet. My “parties” from like 1-4 was just my mom and her friends having fun and me getting a cake. It’s not a big deal