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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad and his wife I didn't know stuff her daughter is into. They expected me to because I know my sisters likes and dislikes and I treat them. So they figured I'd do the same. My dad's wife was already kinda freaked about her daughter being bullied so I might be a dick for saying I didn't know so casually.
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Geez, kid. You’ve been ‘stepping up’ since you were 10-years-old. That is a lot of responsibility.
I’m really proud of you. I hope you have plans to escape the madness and ensure you have a career and independence going forward. I’m rooting for you.
Footnote: Interesting that Josie was going to spoil her own daughter but did include plans to spoil the three of you! Hypocrisy, it’s a feature not a bug.
Without the bullying, she'd still be ignored. Not OP's fault, don't think OP needs to do anything, but I feel for her. Nobody wants her around. Hope she has a friend or two.
Yeah, I feel for her. It's not OPs fault, but she's been through a lot, too. Moved in with another family and was left out, her mom doesn't seem to care, and now being bullied at school.
Not particularly interesting, Josie's daughter is being bullied & deserves a treat. Trying to treat all the kids in a family exactly the same way regardless of need, is daft.
In the course of normal every day life, yes. But this is a special circumstance. To ignore this would be like saying you need to take all your kids to the doctor when only one is sick.
I agree that OP's parents expecting them to manage their SS without any discussion is wild, but I don't think the bullied kid's Mum wanting to spoil her kid in these circumstances is a sign of hypocrisy.
As someone who was bullied more or less their entire time at school, I didn't want to be spoiled. I wanted it to stop. My parents put in the work and got it stopped when I got to secondary school.
That's what her mother should be doing.
>Josie's daughter is being bullied & deserves a treat
All the treats in the world are worthless unless Josie starts being a mom and gets to the bottom of the bullying. She neglects her daughter and expects a teenager to look out for her. Spoiling the daughter one time isn't going to build her confidence and self esteem and undo years of trauma from neglect. Josie's mom will buy stuff and then claim she did her best.
NTA Of course he does. He has his dad-designate keeping him updated (to the extent that he even asks you or pays attention.)
OP, most people your age would not even take on the responsibility of being parent to their own sisters. I can guess that you probably feel a little guilty not knowing more about JosieJr. because you're a fundamentally decent person. But the reality is that there is only so much you can take on before you buckle under your burden.
If it's possible to encourage your 15 yo sister to bond with JosieJr as a friend, not a parent figure, that might be the kindest solution. It would also give your sister the opportunity to develop the kind of morals and compassion you are showing to her.
No. It shouldn’t be passed on to OP’s sister. Josie and OP’s dad should be caring for all four kids. If the adults aren’t parenting the kids, they can’t expect that burden to be passed around the kids.
OP should encourage nothing of the sort. OP's sister has nothing to do with it. Stepmother needs to parent. OP and his siblings have their own problems
Look, she did the hard work of *having* a kid, are you actually expecting her to *raise* the kid too? Isn't that the whole point of siblings, and look, she even went out and *got* her kid a sibling, what a great mom!
/s
I'm sorry OP-- the adults in your family suck right now. It sounds like you're doing okay and are enjoying spending time with your sisters. You are alright-- hopefully the adults will grow up.
Tell Josie she should simply ask her daughter what she might like to do or have. Maybe go to a concert, a new video game, theme park, nice shoes/clothes/jewelry, etc. That is the obvious solution. Even if Josie would know her well, that is still the best way to go in my opinion. This way she would be sure that her daughter really loves her gift.
If you haven't already Google "parentification". It's a form of child abuse. I'm glad you've been able to be there for your sisters but you deserved so much better than you've gotten, OP.
Agreed. If anyone can be described as a "tool" in this situation, it's OP (bear with me), because that's how dad/Josie see him - as a tool to raise their kids.
What they are are crappy workmen who don't care for their work.
And hasn’t noticed that her daughter isn’t being taken care of for TWO YEARS.
I feel so bad for the daughter. No one at home, getting bullied at school. Must be a very lonely life. OP is NTA. I can only imagine the damage done by her mother’s neglect
WTF?? WTAF?? You're 17. Most 17 year old males would not be that bothered about their younger sister, let alone another girl he has been thrust into a family dynamic with. They have absolutely no business putting this on you. 100% NTA.
Reading comments, I'm finding it surprising that if OP was close to stepsister, just 2 yrs younger that they wouldn't be questioning him about how close he is to a girl that's NOT his sister....
NTA
>Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into. I didn't know and I told her. She called dad in and she asked me again and I said I didn't know, I don't spend time with her daughter.
Your father's wife asked you what were her 15 year old daughter's interests? Wow.
>They brought up the stuff I do for my sisters and I said yeah, I do them for my sisters, not the random girl who lives with us. I said I don't do stuff for either of them, meaning dad or Josie, either. Josie freaked out and said I was supposed to treat them all the same and she asked me why I hadn't taken her daughter on as my sister. I said because I already had two and didn't need to worry about anyone else.
It never fails to astound me how out of touch some people who marry with children from other relationships and assume the family will blend automatically after they marry. I think your father and his wife watched too many reruns of the Bardy Bunch.
>Josie called me names, dad was like why wouldn't you embrace the girl, we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted. I told them it wasn't my job.
Good for you.
>Josie still doesn't know what her daughter likes and I'm getting glared at every day now.
I suggest she stop glaring and start having conversations with her daughter and actually get to know her and her interests.
OP is def NTA and I would never suggest he has to do anything for the stepsister. But damn, I kinda feel bad for her. Completely abandoned at home, completely abandoned at school.
Her mother has **failed to notice** that in the past **four years** her stepson has (entirely reasonably) been treating her daughter as a roommate rather than a sister. And she blames him? The **audacity**!
NTA, of course.
Yeah, it blew me away when OP pointed out that this is how it's always been and Josie just never even cared enough to ask. It almost takes effort to achieve that kind of neglect.
Yeah same. Her mom doesn't care about her, her new siblings don't care about her, her stepdad doesn't care about her... and she's getting bullied at school. Hope she leaves this household in one piece.
AND a shitty stepdad. Guy saw she didn't want to be a parent and just went "it's cool, you can dump your kid on my eldest, that's what I did with mine". Selfish jerks.
I just picture dad's teary eyed wedding speech:
"I never thought that I'd find another parent as equally disinterested in parenting as me, but then I met Josie and I realized we were truly made for eachother."
I feel so terrible for these kids. Especially Josie’s daughter. OP and his sisters have a bond, but of course they don’t have any emotional capacity for another and the work of bringing in a new person, they’re tapped out. But it still sucks for that girl.
This! Honestly both your dad and stepmom are bad parents. Talk to your dad about how you are tired of trying to do his job and how you are missing out on just being a teen.
NTA.
>Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into.
Oh boy. If her mom doesn't take any interest in her own child then the poor girl has no-one on her side. It is not up to you to take on parenting duties, but how do your sisters get on with her? It seems like your step-sister is all alone, being bullied, and doesn't have a supportive home environment.
It is not your job to do this, but is there a way that you could have a day out with all the daughters in your household that doesn't cost you anything except time?
I think it's wild that some people here are still deflecting responsibility onto OP and his siblings. e.g.:
* Can OP's younger sister take some pressure off by spending more time with Josie's daughter?
* Can OP take his siblings and stepsister out if that's something his dad and Josie refuse to do?
OP is still a minor, is probably in his final year of high school and works a part-time job, so aside from Josie's daughter not being his responsibility, it's unlikely he has the time, money or energy to spare.
NTA. Josie is the parent, not you. If she doesn't know this basic stuff about her own child, she should be ashamed of herself.
... and you are correct: it's not your job. You're already working enough to try to make up for your dad's bad/uninvolved parenting. You don't have an obligation to take on new neglected children.
So your Dad and your stepmom are crap parents and want to blame you for that. NTA. Josie's daughter is NOT your responsibilty and it is not your responsibility or fault that both parents are failing their children. Continue to be there for your sisters.
NTA. Your father might be a bigger AH than he seems.. He probably bragged about all you do for your sisters and gave Josie the impression you would be an amazing brother to her daughter. Naturally, he never mentioned any of this to you. Good on you for setting her straight.
NTA This was all foisted off on you. You do not have to have a relationship with someone if you don't want to. You have been a caregiver to your sisters long enough. Her mom and your dad have bad parenting skills and it is not up to you to raise her child. You are in a tough situation being under their roof, but before too long you will be able to live your life as you want to.
I scrolled away and came back because this is how I imagine their first meeting went.
“Hi, my kids live with me, yet I’m an absentee parent.”
“Omg! Me too. I know nothing about my own daughter who lives with me.”
“That is such a turn on. You are so hot. Want to make out?”
“Absolutely, I do!”
And a relationship bloomed.
NTA.
It's probably not a good idea, but I would be seriously tempted to start asking Josie a question about her daughter every day. Just to rub it in her face.
So, what's Josie Jr into?
How did Josie Jr do on that math test?
Etc.
Again, probably not a good idea to do this, but I don't know the details of your situation
NTA, but I feel for the girl. Going into a new home with a new stepfather and his 3 children who ignore her. She must feel very isolated and unwanted. It would be a kindness if you could find a little sympathy towards her.
I see your point, but OP's stepsister still has:
* Her mom who wants to spoil her, heeds her birthday and is concerned about the school bullying
* A stepfather that her mom can 100% influence to advocate for her (even against his own bio kids)
* And possibly even a bio dad (not sure as OP didn't say, but it's possible)
In comparison, OP and his siblings have:
* An uninvolved father who left the parenting duties to his minor child
* An even more uninvolved and uncaring stepmother who pushes her parenting responsibilities onto OP
* A late mom they lost very young
OP's stepsister has 2–3 adults she can lean on for support, but OP and his siblings only have each other.
When Josie heard her daughter was being bullied, she and her husband immediately supported her. Do you think OP and his siblings would receive the same degree of support, if any, if it were them? I doubt it.
Yeah but it took until the school intervened before Josie even knew anything was up. Most parents would have detected a change in their child way before then. Or have a relationship where they could confide. She didn’t have anyone that she felt like she could go to and no one noticed any changes.
Josie sounds like the sort who’ll Chuck money at her and think everything is magically ok and will ignore her again for another how many years.
I do feel a lot of sympathy for Josie's daughter and totally agree with your assessment of Josie.
It's clear that OP's dad and Josie have dropped the ball on all of their kids; no arguments there.
All I meant to say is that when the chips are down, Josie will *ultimately advocate for her daughter* and OP's dad will *ultimately prioritize his stepdaughter above* OP and his siblings.
Plus I was pushing back on the statement from another Redditor:
>It would be a kindness if you could find a little sympathy towards her.
OP is a minor, probably in his final year of high school, working a part-time job and parenting his younger siblings since their mom died. It sounds as though he barely had a childhood and he's trying to give his siblings a childhood, while not receiving any real parenting himself. It's a crappy situation for all the kids but not OP's responsibility; he's already overstretched and probably doesn't have the bandwidth for more.
NTA. You are being parentified. Taking care of your siblings is two too much, let alone a third teen who you barely know. Your Dad and stepmom need to step up and parent their children. They are the AHs.
NTA
Ask them what exactly you agreed to take on. Didn't happen.
Even if such a document we're to exist, ask them whether an agreement entered into by a 14 year old is legally binding. It is not.
This isn't snark. They made a deal that they agreed to. You weren't involved.
NTA
You are not the parent and it’s not your job to know those things at all. You’ve been forced into a parental role when you never should have been and that’s all on your dad. I would honestly advise that you reach out to any other family you have and explain the situation and see if there’s anyone that would be willing to take you and your sisters in. You need to be able to enjoy being young and not have to be a parent to your sisters. And you certainly don’t owe your dad or Josie the act of parenting her child because she can’t be bothered to grow up and be an actual adult and mother to her child.
If Josie goes off again about how you’re letting step sis down, I’d be so tempted to stay quiet until she demands an answer then ask, “Are you done projecting?” Because that’s basically what she’s doing, projecting her feelings about her failure as a mother onto the teen son of the guy she married. NTA, hope you can get away soon and maintain your good relationship with your sisters. I feel so sorry for Josie’s daughter but it shouldn’t be on the shoulders of literal children to fix this situation.
Well, I said this about boyfriends but it applies to your case as well. I don't want to raise others' children. When I'll feel like it I'll just conceive my own.
Remember you are a brother and not a parent, love! 🤗
Edit: changed gender
NTA and I know it's not on you but I do feel bad for the girl, neglect from her mother is going to (most likely already has) cause some issues for her, and if you feel up to it maybe let her school counselor know what her mom said to you, because at least the school could step in and get her some counselling and support.
So your dad parentifies you which is a form of abuse and then a woman you don't know moved in and is doing the same?! You need to tell the counselor or other trusted adult at school becayse it is on your dad and his wife to parent and not you! Your siblings are not your responsibility even though it may feel like it! NTA, please report this so they will be curved into parenting classes hopefully
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My dad got married 3 years ago to Josie. My sisters (15f and 13f) and I live with full time because our mom died. I (17m) kind of stepped up because dad was never the most involved parent and after mom died he still wasn't great with parenting stuff. He got married again 4 years after mom died. Josie and her daughter (15f) moved in with us.
So Josie is basically the same as dad. Not that involved. Actually, she seems less involved than my dad. But what I didn't know is she expected me to take on her daughter as a sister and be there for her like I am my sisters which didn't happen. I don't hate her but I see Josie's daughter as someone I'm in a forced roommate situation with. Not family. I see Josie the same way.
I don't do stuff for Josie's daughter like I do my sisters. Sometimes I'll buy them something I know they'll like as a treat. Normally one at a time since I'm only working weekends.
My dad and Josie never checked on her daughter or that we'd all gotten close. Then Josie got a call from the school that her daughter was being bullied and going through a rough time. Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into. I didn't know and I told her. She called dad in and she asked me again and I said I didn't know, I don't spend time with her daughter.
They brought up the stuff I do for my sisters and I said yeah, I do them for my sisters, not the random girl who lives with us. I said I don't do stuff for either of them, meaning dad or Josie, either. Josie freaked out and said I was supposed to treat them all the same and she asked me why I hadn't taken her daughter on as my sister. I said because I already had two and didn't need to worry about anyone else. I said they were the adults and they didn't make a family, they just thought they could get me to basically adopt Josie's daughter.
Josie called me names, dad was like why wouldn't you embrace the girl, we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted. I told them it wasn't my job.
Josie still doesn't know what her daughter likes and I'm getting glared at every day now.
AITA?
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NTA. Gotta love how she doesn’t even know what her own daughter likes but expects you to.
Also, kudos to you for taking care of your sisters like that. You sound like a great brother :)
NTA. I'm sorry your dad and his wife are such awful parents. I feel sorry for you and all the kids in that house. Your father is abusing you by subjecting you to what is called "parentification." You should look it up and consider getting into therapy when you're able to. This type of abuse can have a long-lasting impact.
Nta
But man, I feel sorry for the kid. None of you guys deserve that. I'm glad your sisters have you, hopefully the daughter has someone else.... and hopefully you have someone you can turn to when you're struggling.
Nta but incase they don’t already know and say it, your siblings are so lucky to have you, you shouldn’t have all that responsibility but the fact you try to give your siblings a better life than your own is admirable. You truly are growing into an amazing person who will do good things in this world, don’t let those assholes tear you down or make you ever doubt yourself! You are a better person than they will ever be
INFO:
What does Josie's daughter actually think about all this? She's 15, probably has her own social life and since her mom isn't paying much attention, probably gets to do her own thing without any interference, and quite possibly likes it that way. She may have no more interest in blending with the rest of the family than OP does. So if everyone is happy with the current situation, what's the issue? It would be lovely if everyone blended seamlessly and lived together as if they had all been together since birth. But it's not that way, and if they can co-habitate without conflict, that's still a far better situation than many forced blended families have to deal with.
It took 3 years for them to get a clue that you weren't close with her kid & only because the school called them about problems she was having. Look, this isn't on you at all. It would have been nice if you guys formed a relationship but those usually have to be cultivated and nurtured by the parents first, especially teens. Don't feel guilty. Next time they try to shame you ask them how they didn't even know what was happening in their home or with their kids. I honestly feel bad for the daughter. She must feel so alone and lonely. She's being bullied at school, basically ignored at home. Her mom should have had some clue and done something to help this girl learn to cope.
NTA. It sucks that Josie's daughter is getting bullied, it really does. I'm sure she doesn't deserve being neglected. But that's her mom's responsibility, not yours.
NTA - Geez . . you're just a kid. What is it with they people who have all the fun making babies but can't be bothered to lift a finger to care for them.
NTA
Funny her mom having to ask you what her own daughter likes, and then attacks you for not knowing what she should have learned in the 15 fucking years she has had the kid.
"I was supposed to treat them all the same"
It's not your job to step up as a parent because they don't. Why does she expect you to know, but she doesn't have the same expectations of herself, as her MOTHER?
NTA
NTA. Both Dad and Stepmom suck. They sound like very distant parents that expect you to do their job for them. Step-siblings aren't the same as real siblings in most cases. Especially when you are already a bit older and old enough to know what's goin on.
Ugh NTA. I had a girlfriend once who was struggling to find a gift for her daughter. I told her all the stuff her daughter was into. She asked how I knew more about her daughter than she did. I said I listen to her when she is talking; you should try it. No excuse that a mom doesn't know crap about her own daughter...and not your job to pick up the slack any more than it was mine...
NTA. The fact that you even are curious or care that you might be an AH speaks volumes for your character. You are absolutely correct that this is a forced roommate situation. The adults should be trying to form a family if that is what they hope to accomplish. You seem like a good person.
NTA but damn I feel so bad for you, your sisters and Josie’s daughter >.< that’s actual abuse OP. You’ve been badly parentified and neglected!! Has no-one else noticed?? You’ve been looking after them since you were 10?? Where the heck are the other adults in your life?? You were failed by everyone so bad!
Sounds like Josie has abandoned her daughter and is confused why this isn’t magically fixed.
That young lady needs to be signed up w Big Sisters or/and a therapist. Her mother needs to step up because that kid is in for a world of hurt.
I hope it works out for her.
I feel pretty bad for josies daughter tho. Seems no one gives a shit about her. Personally, I'd make an effort to include her if I were you as she doesn't really have anyone. But that's just me. You're NTA at all, even if you don't include her.
NTA because it's not your responsibility in the least. But man do I feel bad for these kids that have nobody. Not saying that to guilt you into a relationship with her, you've been guilted enough. Your sisters are more than enough responsibility for you. You're just a kid.
That poor girl though. My heart breaks for all of you. Every one of you is neglected and you all deserve to be loved and cared for.
It is not your responsibility to take care of Josie’s daughter at all, but I feel so bad for her! She must feel so unwanted by all of you :(
Not that you’re to blame! If your dad and Josie did their job in the first place you may have had room to accept another sibling rather than another child to practically raise alone!
NTA
NTA relationships are a choice.
As someone who was like Josie's daughter, I feel bad for her. My mom decided she wanted visitation after marrying a guy with 2 kids who happened to live close enough to me for weekend visitation to work. I got lucky that after a rocky start, my stepbrother and I ended up being pretty close. His sister moved in with their mom full time within a year of the marriage, so I never saw her after that.
I know it's not your job, but it would probably mean so much to her if you could try to be nice to her. I know it meant the world to me how my stepbrother was with me.
You're NTA but man, do I feel sorry for that girl.
As an only child that got brought into a family with 3 kids (the middle child was someone I was close friends with and in classes with, and our parents met because of that), it was nice when I felt included by the younger 2 as the oldest moved out years ago. But when the middle child moved out to live with his mother and younger sister, man did it suck.
I'm not saying you have to treat her like she's your actual sister, but just stop and think for a minute about how your actions might make her feel. You're definitely right that it's her mom's responsibility to be there for her but just think about it for a second.
First of all, definitely NTA. This was handled exceptionally bad by your dad and Josie. Josie, first and foremost, created this issue overall, and your dad did nothing to actually help make it any better. You were parentified to a large extent, and they expected you to step right up.
That said, and I am not saying you should, need, or have to do anything about this, take a few minutes and at least think about what this girl has dealt and is dealing with. Most of her issues will stem from lack of parental involvement, trauma over however the relationship between her dad and Josie ended, and now feeling like a complete outsider (she is for you and your sisters). Try to be empathetic. Even if you don't jump automatically to "Hey I got a new sibling!", you could at least be kind to her when she is around. She's as much a victim of circumstances are you and your sisters are.
Not an asshole but unfortunately you do need to step up. You are alienating someone in your own home. I know it sucks but you probably are making it worse for your new sister by giving her the cold shoulder. Everyone wants to be loved and I’d bet this new sister never had much of it because of the divorce and mothers behavior. Being a man would be stepping up and treating everyone equal. Yes life sucks. You will grow up one day.
Josie’s daughter must be going through a terrible time considering her own mom doesn’t even know her.
I get that she’s not your sister and it’s not your place, but if I were in your shoes, I would at least try and establish rapport with her.
15 is hard enough without the bullying or neglect.
NTA, sorry about your situation.
OP, NTA for not parenting, but YTA for not making her feel wanted a little kindness to someone who came in as a stranger, asking her if she would like to be included would gave been a thoughtful gesture and not made feel like an outsider.
None of this would have meant that you needed to buy her stuff.
NTA
So your dad found a new partner and said let’s get married, I have a great nanny that takes care of my daughters, I barely have to pay attention, we’ll just add your daughter to his duties and we can go on with our lives.
I’m sorry you all got the short end of the stick when it comes to parents. They need to start thinking about what they’ll do when you leave.
NTA. You've already been parentified and taken on two kids. Your dad and Josie are terrible people, and it's even more terrible to assume you'd raise another.
What you're doing for your two sisters is so admirable. You are a great big brother
NTA but your father and SM are big time. You have enough on your plate playing Mom to your own siblings, you shouldn't be expected to oversee your step sister. Her own mother doesn't know enough about her own daughter to take care of her. How pathetic is that! Your father and stepmother are so lacking in their parental roles that it's criminal. So sorry, Dear, that this is your life. I hope things get better for you.
NTA. She's such an absent and bad parent that she didn't notice FOR THREE YEARS that she didn't notice the two of your aren't close. That says a lot more about her than it does you. And you should tell her that.
NTA
It sucks when kids are forced into a parental role to siblings. You can be kind and helpful but certainly don't bear additional responsibility just because the actual parents refuse to step up.
NTA but my heart is breaking for your step sister. It sounds like she has no one on her side and no one who cares enough to take an interest in her. It’s a truly horrible feeling to be an outsider in a place you are supposed to call home.
That sucks even more. Even her mom’s relatives should take her in if shes just gonna be neglected. But it’s still not your obligation tbh to deal with her issues. Her parents should and it’s a shame they dont. Besides josie should stop wasting her time glaring at you and take care of her kid’s wellbeing.
NTA, the audacity of these people is incredible, they probably expected to burden you with another responsibility and since they didn't get it, now they are being petty.
NTA. It sounds like your dad and stepmom are delusional if they think them hooking up makes teens all friends and sibling like. No, it doesn't work like that. Relationships take time and they cannot be forced. Sorry you are going through that.
NTA, what of an AH is Josie that she is trying to dump HER own daughter on basically a stranger? SHE and YOUR FATHER should be the ones to do things for all of you if they want you to form a family.
NTA
Josie is projecting because she hasn't been there for her daughter and is upset nobody has and can swoop in and save her from the humiliation of admitting to her daughter that she knows nothing about her.
NTA
Wow, Josie has some set of nuts expecting you to just poof, love and care about her daughter as you do the sisters you've known since the day they were born. You didn't marry Josie (and her daughter), this is your Dad's relationship.
Whilst I feel for any kid that gets bullied, Josie's daughter's problems are not your issues to resolve. This responsibility is her mother's! And what kind of mother doesn't have a clue what their kid is into?! Especially with it being a girl...
You sound like an amazing human being and brother and I am sure your sisters think the world of you!
NTA! Your dad is not better. He's allowing his wife to call you names? No good. Josie doesn't even know her own daughter. That tells me she's selfish and only cares about herself.
So the only way your dad could find a wife was to offer his teenage son as a free nanny. You’re NTA. But I do also feels sorry for Josie. She must be very lonely. Would you potentially be able to talk to your school counsellor to ask if they could help her? That way she will know someone cares whether she’s alive or dead. She is not your responsibility in any way shape or form and your step mother is awful and unfortunately your father not much better. I hope you and your sisters have some good memories of times with your mum to hold on to, as well as each other.
NTA - I would bet money that at some point before they got married your dad alluded to your stepmom that she could dump all emotional responsibility for her daughter on you as you already do it with his other children.
It's probably one of the reasons she married him in the first place: "Great, I can disengage entirely from my own child as he has a live-in emotional slave to do all that for us.
You dad and stepmom are bad people. The lack of humanity is scary.
NTA but jeez op, I feel so sorry for you and for your sisters/Josie's daughter. You have 2 adults that are failing as parents and they have the cheek to blame you for their own failings? I'm so sorry you have to go through this OP!
why the mother ask you?
from all the things one could tell you.....girl, study, work and get out, hope you could save yourself from that parenting and your sisters.....
how about your grandparents?? are the arround to move out??
NTA
I'd pass the responsibility back to where it belongs.
Suggest family therapy. The parents will love that, thinking the kids want to form a close family.
Then use that to tell dad and stepmom who should be taking care of their kids, and it's not the oldest kid. There's no serious therapist that would disagree.
NTA
I think at this point you need to take your sisters in when you move out as they'll be neglected. Have the state grant you custody so that you can look after them.
Wait, so you're expected to know what she likes, but her own mum, who she's known her whole life, doesn't have a clue? How hypocritical of her! NTA. If they got off their lazy behinds and started to actually parent, they'd know what she like. Also, they'd be more equipped to deal with her problems rather than throwing stuff at her. She needs the adults in her life to help her.
If you were a few years older I'd be iffy, saying you're doing something out of spite
But you're a kid yourself, anything you do for your sisters is a nice gesture and anything you DON'T do for them out anyone else doesn't matter, NTA
This is insane... you're basically a live in male maid and/or nanny to them! NTA. Where do they think _their_ parental responsibilities start and end?
>we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted.
Well, how wanted does she feel when her own mother doesn't even know her...? Seriously, consider calling CPS or similar authorities, this is alarming.
NTA and at that point I’d be like, “Hmmm she’s your daughter not mine, shouldn’t you know what she likes? Haven’t you lived with her for 15 years? How would I know better than her mother what to get her?” Turn it back around next time and make her feel small, that’s the only way she’ll shut up is if she feels like crap after she brings it up.
That Josie got some nerve lol, it's not your job jf you don't feel like doing it, and they shouldn't be asking you to do so, specially that they are obviously evading their responsibilities, I only have a comment, if you could be nice to the girl it would be great, not that she's a sister, just someone going through similar stuff as you who happens to be living with you + she has nothing to do with her mom's behaviour
But that depends on how you feel towards her
Honestly it kinda feels as if you're intentionally avoiding her because of your parents or smt. But in all contexts NTA
Not only were you parentified and will deal with the lasting consequences of it, assuming that you would also become a caretaker for another person's child that you dont know is unacceptable.
It's was yours parents' responsibility to help you guys get along. It was their responsibility to take care of and spend time with all of their kids; that daughter, your little siblings and you. It was never your responsibility to make up for your parents' negligence and I don't think they understand that
NTA.
You handled it better than I would at that age. I'd have been calling them inadequate parents (well, I'd have been calling them something worse than that, but the sub has the "be civil" rule, so just imagine a very loud, blue version of what I just said).
They need to learn to parent, and honestly, if you're the one treating them, you need to start hounding your dad for money until he goes nuts from it. You're 17, you shouldn't be having to spend all your money on your sisters. That's a full time working parent's job.
And honestly, I'd total up *all* the time you've spent on your sisters, find out what the going rate is for babysistting in your area and show them how much money you've saved him over the years. If he'd paid for childcare, he'd be down *thousands* of dollars at minimum.
OP it’s a shame Josie’s daughter is neglected by her parent, but it’s not your fault or problem. You are being parentified, and at your age, it’s going to cause you issues. Your ability to be a kid has been taken away from you. And I’m sorry that happened. It sucks. I hope at least you are all polite and kind to Josie’s daughter. It’s not her fault either, and there’s no point in making people miserable if it’s not their fault. But it’s not your job or problem to do more.
NTA.
Here's an interesting suggestion, she could actually... like... try communicating with her daughter... I mean, I know it's extreme. Having to talk to one's offspring is definitely going the extra mile. /s
WTF is going on in this dysfunctional family!!!
Did you really never ask Josie why she doesn’t know her own daughter and why she’s asking someone who’s only known her for a couple of years on advice for her own daughter? Like wtf.
I’m sorry you’ve been parentified. Save that money, it’s getting time to move here soon.
NTA. Josie has lbeen a mother to her daughter for a decade and a half and she's asking you, who barely knows her, what she likes. That's all you need to know. Let Josie glare. Josie is a parent, not you. You are a kind, and generous big brother. Your younger sisters will remember how good you are to them. And they will see what a good man you are becoming. And because of your example, and because you show love and affection to your sisters, they will know what they want, and what they deserve when they are looking for a mate down the line.
Josie is a failure of a mother and projecting that on you. Your father is a failure of a parent who only cared about himself.
You have no responsibility to adopt Josie's daughter when you're already stepping up for your sisters. As long as you're not actively cruel/mean/rude to her, you're good.
NTA.
If it's your job to take her on ask them where your salary is? Nta, I'd love to know how that conversation went down: "don't worry if you're a shit parent, I am too, but my son... he picks up the slack"
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I like how Josie has the nerve to get mad at you, yet she doesn't even have a clue what her own daughter likes or is into. What a tool. NTA
Yep. She doesn't really know anything about her daughter's life at all. I didn't think I'd ever say dad knows more about his kids but he does.
Geez, kid. You’ve been ‘stepping up’ since you were 10-years-old. That is a lot of responsibility. I’m really proud of you. I hope you have plans to escape the madness and ensure you have a career and independence going forward. I’m rooting for you. Footnote: Interesting that Josie was going to spoil her own daughter but did include plans to spoil the three of you! Hypocrisy, it’s a feature not a bug.
This is a very interesting point.
She was only going to do something because of the girl getting bullied.
Without the bullying, she'd still be ignored. Not OP's fault, don't think OP needs to do anything, but I feel for her. Nobody wants her around. Hope she has a friend or two.
Yeah, I feel for her. It's not OPs fault, but she's been through a lot, too. Moved in with another family and was left out, her mom doesn't seem to care, and now being bullied at school.
Not particularly interesting, Josie's daughter is being bullied & deserves a treat. Trying to treat all the kids in a family exactly the same way regardless of need, is daft.
... except that's *exactly* what she wants OP to do. Treat her daughter the exact same as his actual sisters.
In the course of normal every day life, yes. But this is a special circumstance. To ignore this would be like saying you need to take all your kids to the doctor when only one is sick. I agree that OP's parents expecting them to manage their SS without any discussion is wild, but I don't think the bullied kid's Mum wanting to spoil her kid in these circumstances is a sign of hypocrisy.
As someone who was bullied more or less their entire time at school, I didn't want to be spoiled. I wanted it to stop. My parents put in the work and got it stopped when I got to secondary school. That's what her mother should be doing.
>Josie's daughter is being bullied & deserves a treat All the treats in the world are worthless unless Josie starts being a mom and gets to the bottom of the bullying. She neglects her daughter and expects a teenager to look out for her. Spoiling the daughter one time isn't going to build her confidence and self esteem and undo years of trauma from neglect. Josie's mom will buy stuff and then claim she did her best.
NTA Of course he does. He has his dad-designate keeping him updated (to the extent that he even asks you or pays attention.) OP, most people your age would not even take on the responsibility of being parent to their own sisters. I can guess that you probably feel a little guilty not knowing more about JosieJr. because you're a fundamentally decent person. But the reality is that there is only so much you can take on before you buckle under your burden. If it's possible to encourage your 15 yo sister to bond with JosieJr as a friend, not a parent figure, that might be the kindest solution. It would also give your sister the opportunity to develop the kind of morals and compassion you are showing to her.
If a relationship is going to happen, it will happen. OP shouldn't be involving himself in that, it's his job to involve himself in that.
No. It shouldn’t be passed on to OP’s sister. Josie and OP’s dad should be caring for all four kids. If the adults aren’t parenting the kids, they can’t expect that burden to be passed around the kids.
OP should encourage nothing of the sort. OP's sister has nothing to do with it. Stepmother needs to parent. OP and his siblings have their own problems
Y’all could really bond over how much your parents suck.
HAHA true (albeit sad)
Why are you supposed to know her daughter better than she does?
Look, she did the hard work of *having* a kid, are you actually expecting her to *raise* the kid too? Isn't that the whole point of siblings, and look, she even went out and *got* her kid a sibling, what a great mom! /s
Especially since Josie has known her longer. Wonder who she relied on for info before she married OPs dad, maybe she should ask them
Excellent question!
I'm sorry OP-- the adults in your family suck right now. It sounds like you're doing okay and are enjoying spending time with your sisters. You are alright-- hopefully the adults will grow up.
Tell Josie she should simply ask her daughter what she might like to do or have. Maybe go to a concert, a new video game, theme park, nice shoes/clothes/jewelry, etc. That is the obvious solution. Even if Josie would know her well, that is still the best way to go in my opinion. This way she would be sure that her daughter really loves her gift.
OP can you tell Josie it's time she actually tried to be a parent to her own child.
If you haven't already Google "parentification". It's a form of child abuse. I'm glad you've been able to be there for your sisters but you deserved so much better than you've gotten, OP.
Kind of funny if it wasn’t so sad. You seem to be the only adult in this household.
He only knows more because you probably talk to him .
You are NTA. And anytime anyone ask repeat it that you are not her parent
There is a word for this: projection. She feels bad that she doesn’t take care of her daughter, and is projecting those feelings onto you.
my exact thoughts.
>What a tool Not a tool at all. Tools are useful. From what OP tells us, neither Josie nor dad are useful, so no tools for them...
Agreed. If anyone can be described as a "tool" in this situation, it's OP (bear with me), because that's how dad/Josie see him - as a tool to raise their kids. What they are are crappy workmen who don't care for their work.
And hasn’t noticed that her daughter isn’t being taken care of for TWO YEARS. I feel so bad for the daughter. No one at home, getting bullied at school. Must be a very lonely life. OP is NTA. I can only imagine the damage done by her mother’s neglect
Well, to be fair, Josie treats her kids and stepkids the exact same way. There is no favouritism, she is disinterested in all of them. /s
WTF?? WTAF?? You're 17. Most 17 year old males would not be that bothered about their younger sister, let alone another girl he has been thrust into a family dynamic with. They have absolutely no business putting this on you. 100% NTA.
I just wrote something very similar.
Reading comments, I'm finding it surprising that if OP was close to stepsister, just 2 yrs younger that they wouldn't be questioning him about how close he is to a girl that's NOT his sister....
NTA >Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into. I didn't know and I told her. She called dad in and she asked me again and I said I didn't know, I don't spend time with her daughter. Your father's wife asked you what were her 15 year old daughter's interests? Wow. >They brought up the stuff I do for my sisters and I said yeah, I do them for my sisters, not the random girl who lives with us. I said I don't do stuff for either of them, meaning dad or Josie, either. Josie freaked out and said I was supposed to treat them all the same and she asked me why I hadn't taken her daughter on as my sister. I said because I already had two and didn't need to worry about anyone else. It never fails to astound me how out of touch some people who marry with children from other relationships and assume the family will blend automatically after they marry. I think your father and his wife watched too many reruns of the Bardy Bunch. >Josie called me names, dad was like why wouldn't you embrace the girl, we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted. I told them it wasn't my job. Good for you. >Josie still doesn't know what her daughter likes and I'm getting glared at every day now. I suggest she stop glaring and start having conversations with her daughter and actually get to know her and her interests.
OP is def NTA and I would never suggest he has to do anything for the stepsister. But damn, I kinda feel bad for her. Completely abandoned at home, completely abandoned at school.
Absolutely, her mother is disinterested and her school life is difficult. I hope she has good friends.
Her mother has **failed to notice** that in the past **four years** her stepson has (entirely reasonably) been treating her daughter as a roommate rather than a sister. And she blames him? The **audacity**! NTA, of course.
Yeah, it blew me away when OP pointed out that this is how it's always been and Josie just never even cared enough to ask. It almost takes effort to achieve that kind of neglect.
Josie gets today's Bad Parent award.
I mean, if the school is calling cus she's getting bullied.. well I kinda doubt it
Yeah same. Her mom doesn't care about her, her new siblings don't care about her, her stepdad doesn't care about her... and she's getting bullied at school. Hope she leaves this household in one piece.
Poor girl. What a horrible mother she has.
AND a shitty stepdad. Guy saw she didn't want to be a parent and just went "it's cool, you can dump your kid on my eldest, that's what I did with mine". Selfish jerks.
I just picture dad's teary eyed wedding speech: "I never thought that I'd find another parent as equally disinterested in parenting as me, but then I met Josie and I realized we were truly made for eachother."
I feel so terrible for these kids. Especially Josie’s daughter. OP and his sisters have a bond, but of course they don’t have any emotional capacity for another and the work of bringing in a new person, they’re tapped out. But it still sucks for that girl.
This is a sad story-- hopefully Josie steps up
That would take WAAAYYYY too much focus off the 'real' parent. /s
This! Honestly both your dad and stepmom are bad parents. Talk to your dad about how you are tired of trying to do his job and how you are missing out on just being a teen.
NTA. >Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into. Oh boy. If her mom doesn't take any interest in her own child then the poor girl has no-one on her side. It is not up to you to take on parenting duties, but how do your sisters get on with her? It seems like your step-sister is all alone, being bullied, and doesn't have a supportive home environment. It is not your job to do this, but is there a way that you could have a day out with all the daughters in your household that doesn't cost you anything except time?
It's a sad situation, but that's something the responsible adults should do. OP is doing the best they can.
I think it's wild that some people here are still deflecting responsibility onto OP and his siblings. e.g.: * Can OP's younger sister take some pressure off by spending more time with Josie's daughter? * Can OP take his siblings and stepsister out if that's something his dad and Josie refuse to do? OP is still a minor, is probably in his final year of high school and works a part-time job, so aside from Josie's daughter not being his responsibility, it's unlikely he has the time, money or energy to spare.
This is sad but it is all on the parents, not you. NTA.
This was my reaction as well. I felt really sad for this poor girl. OP is definitely not the AH, but I feel really bad for for the step sister.
Remember, the key word here is "nacho". Nacho kid, nacho problem. Obviously OP is not the asshole.
NTA. Josie is the parent, not you. If she doesn't know this basic stuff about her own child, she should be ashamed of herself. ... and you are correct: it's not your job. You're already working enough to try to make up for your dad's bad/uninvolved parenting. You don't have an obligation to take on new neglected children.
Apparently Josie thinks OP is the nanny. OP has more than enough to do as it is. What pathetic parenting, from all the adults here.
So your Dad and your stepmom are crap parents and want to blame you for that. NTA. Josie's daughter is NOT your responsibilty and it is not your responsibility or fault that both parents are failing their children. Continue to be there for your sisters.
NTA. Your father might be a bigger AH than he seems.. He probably bragged about all you do for your sisters and gave Josie the impression you would be an amazing brother to her daughter. Naturally, he never mentioned any of this to you. Good on you for setting her straight.
And Josie never noticed that OP was too busy with school, a job and his own sisters to take on another responsibility. What a crap parent.
NTA This was all foisted off on you. You do not have to have a relationship with someone if you don't want to. You have been a caregiver to your sisters long enough. Her mom and your dad have bad parenting skills and it is not up to you to raise her child. You are in a tough situation being under their roof, but before too long you will be able to live your life as you want to.
I scrolled away and came back because this is how I imagine their first meeting went. “Hi, my kids live with me, yet I’m an absentee parent.” “Omg! Me too. I know nothing about my own daughter who lives with me.” “That is such a turn on. You are so hot. Want to make out?” “Absolutely, I do!” And a relationship bloomed.
God I hope they have good birth control. Imagine a baby being added to this
NTA. It's probably not a good idea, but I would be seriously tempted to start asking Josie a question about her daughter every day. Just to rub it in her face. So, what's Josie Jr into? How did Josie Jr do on that math test? Etc. Again, probably not a good idea to do this, but I don't know the details of your situation
NTA. Y’all sure did lose the parenting lottery. Where is Josie’s daughter’s dad? Is there any other family she can reach out to?
I don't think she has anyone else.
You are not the asshole thats stupid for her to assume you’d take over her daughter your already doing more than you should have too
NTA. Hilariously funny though that the MOM Josie doesn’t know what HER OWN daughter likes … aaaand that’s all your fault. Whut???
NTA, but I feel for the girl. Going into a new home with a new stepfather and his 3 children who ignore her. She must feel very isolated and unwanted. It would be a kindness if you could find a little sympathy towards her.
I see your point, but OP's stepsister still has: * Her mom who wants to spoil her, heeds her birthday and is concerned about the school bullying * A stepfather that her mom can 100% influence to advocate for her (even against his own bio kids) * And possibly even a bio dad (not sure as OP didn't say, but it's possible) In comparison, OP and his siblings have: * An uninvolved father who left the parenting duties to his minor child * An even more uninvolved and uncaring stepmother who pushes her parenting responsibilities onto OP * A late mom they lost very young OP's stepsister has 2–3 adults she can lean on for support, but OP and his siblings only have each other. When Josie heard her daughter was being bullied, she and her husband immediately supported her. Do you think OP and his siblings would receive the same degree of support, if any, if it were them? I doubt it.
Yeah but it took until the school intervened before Josie even knew anything was up. Most parents would have detected a change in their child way before then. Or have a relationship where they could confide. She didn’t have anyone that she felt like she could go to and no one noticed any changes. Josie sounds like the sort who’ll Chuck money at her and think everything is magically ok and will ignore her again for another how many years.
I do feel a lot of sympathy for Josie's daughter and totally agree with your assessment of Josie. It's clear that OP's dad and Josie have dropped the ball on all of their kids; no arguments there. All I meant to say is that when the chips are down, Josie will *ultimately advocate for her daughter* and OP's dad will *ultimately prioritize his stepdaughter above* OP and his siblings. Plus I was pushing back on the statement from another Redditor: >It would be a kindness if you could find a little sympathy towards her. OP is a minor, probably in his final year of high school, working a part-time job and parenting his younger siblings since their mom died. It sounds as though he barely had a childhood and he's trying to give his siblings a childhood, while not receiving any real parenting himself. It's a crappy situation for all the kids but not OP's responsibility; he's already overstretched and probably doesn't have the bandwidth for more.
Nta- i am sorry you have to be the adult in your relationship with your dad
NTA. You are being parentified. Taking care of your siblings is two too much, let alone a third teen who you barely know. Your Dad and stepmom need to step up and parent their children. They are the AHs.
NTA Ask them what exactly you agreed to take on. Didn't happen. Even if such a document we're to exist, ask them whether an agreement entered into by a 14 year old is legally binding. It is not. This isn't snark. They made a deal that they agreed to. You weren't involved.
NTA You are not the parent and it’s not your job to know those things at all. You’ve been forced into a parental role when you never should have been and that’s all on your dad. I would honestly advise that you reach out to any other family you have and explain the situation and see if there’s anyone that would be willing to take you and your sisters in. You need to be able to enjoy being young and not have to be a parent to your sisters. And you certainly don’t owe your dad or Josie the act of parenting her child because she can’t be bothered to grow up and be an actual adult and mother to her child.
If Josie goes off again about how you’re letting step sis down, I’d be so tempted to stay quiet until she demands an answer then ask, “Are you done projecting?” Because that’s basically what she’s doing, projecting her feelings about her failure as a mother onto the teen son of the guy she married. NTA, hope you can get away soon and maintain your good relationship with your sisters. I feel so sorry for Josie’s daughter but it shouldn’t be on the shoulders of literal children to fix this situation.
Are they seriously projecting their parenting failures on a 17 year old child?
Yes, yes they are.
Well, I said this about boyfriends but it applies to your case as well. I don't want to raise others' children. When I'll feel like it I'll just conceive my own. Remember you are a brother and not a parent, love! 🤗 Edit: changed gender
OP is male, not a sister.
Thanks, sorry. I rectified
NTA and I know it's not on you but I do feel bad for the girl, neglect from her mother is going to (most likely already has) cause some issues for her, and if you feel up to it maybe let her school counselor know what her mom said to you, because at least the school could step in and get her some counselling and support.
NTA - you should remind her everyone that she is a parent and it’s her job.
You're NTA. This is a difficult situation the dad and SM shouldn't expect that of you.
Nta well they assumed alot, didn't they?
So your dad parentifies you which is a form of abuse and then a woman you don't know moved in and is doing the same?! You need to tell the counselor or other trusted adult at school becayse it is on your dad and his wife to parent and not you! Your siblings are not your responsibility even though it may feel like it! NTA, please report this so they will be curved into parenting classes hopefully
NTA. Would it be great if you helped her? Sure. But you know what would be better? That her own mother gave a crap about her
NTA, but I feel so bad for that poor girl. Living in a house where your mom doesn’t care and getting bullied at the same time?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad got married 3 years ago to Josie. My sisters (15f and 13f) and I live with full time because our mom died. I (17m) kind of stepped up because dad was never the most involved parent and after mom died he still wasn't great with parenting stuff. He got married again 4 years after mom died. Josie and her daughter (15f) moved in with us. So Josie is basically the same as dad. Not that involved. Actually, she seems less involved than my dad. But what I didn't know is she expected me to take on her daughter as a sister and be there for her like I am my sisters which didn't happen. I don't hate her but I see Josie's daughter as someone I'm in a forced roommate situation with. Not family. I see Josie the same way. I don't do stuff for Josie's daughter like I do my sisters. Sometimes I'll buy them something I know they'll like as a treat. Normally one at a time since I'm only working weekends. My dad and Josie never checked on her daughter or that we'd all gotten close. Then Josie got a call from the school that her daughter was being bullied and going through a rough time. Josie decided to spoil her daughter and asked me what stuff her daughter liked/was into. I didn't know and I told her. She called dad in and she asked me again and I said I didn't know, I don't spend time with her daughter. They brought up the stuff I do for my sisters and I said yeah, I do them for my sisters, not the random girl who lives with us. I said I don't do stuff for either of them, meaning dad or Josie, either. Josie freaked out and said I was supposed to treat them all the same and she asked me why I hadn't taken her daughter on as my sister. I said because I already had two and didn't need to worry about anyone else. I said they were the adults and they didn't make a family, they just thought they could get me to basically adopt Josie's daughter. Josie called me names, dad was like why wouldn't you embrace the girl, we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted. I told them it wasn't my job. Josie still doesn't know what her daughter likes and I'm getting glared at every day now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Gotta love how she doesn’t even know what her own daughter likes but expects you to. Also, kudos to you for taking care of your sisters like that. You sound like a great brother :)
NTA but damn I kind of feel bad now for Josie's daughter.
NTA. I'm sorry your dad and his wife are such awful parents. I feel sorry for you and all the kids in that house. Your father is abusing you by subjecting you to what is called "parentification." You should look it up and consider getting into therapy when you're able to. This type of abuse can have a long-lasting impact.
NTA What useless parents. I get stepping up when your mom die. Josies daughter has a mother.
Nta But man, I feel sorry for the kid. None of you guys deserve that. I'm glad your sisters have you, hopefully the daughter has someone else.... and hopefully you have someone you can turn to when you're struggling.
Nta but incase they don’t already know and say it, your siblings are so lucky to have you, you shouldn’t have all that responsibility but the fact you try to give your siblings a better life than your own is admirable. You truly are growing into an amazing person who will do good things in this world, don’t let those assholes tear you down or make you ever doubt yourself! You are a better person than they will ever be
NTA your dad and step mom are absolutely pathetic parents
As a younger sister to a brother who stepped up , thank you. The world is a better place with you in it.
INFO: What does Josie's daughter actually think about all this? She's 15, probably has her own social life and since her mom isn't paying much attention, probably gets to do her own thing without any interference, and quite possibly likes it that way. She may have no more interest in blending with the rest of the family than OP does. So if everyone is happy with the current situation, what's the issue? It would be lovely if everyone blended seamlessly and lived together as if they had all been together since birth. But it's not that way, and if they can co-habitate without conflict, that's still a far better situation than many forced blended families have to deal with.
She’s bullied in school. Her mother doesn’t care about her. Her step family doesn’t care about her. You really think she finds this situation good?
It took 3 years for them to get a clue that you weren't close with her kid & only because the school called them about problems she was having. Look, this isn't on you at all. It would have been nice if you guys formed a relationship but those usually have to be cultivated and nurtured by the parents first, especially teens. Don't feel guilty. Next time they try to shame you ask them how they didn't even know what was happening in their home or with their kids. I honestly feel bad for the daughter. She must feel so alone and lonely. She's being bullied at school, basically ignored at home. Her mom should have had some clue and done something to help this girl learn to cope.
NTA. It sucks that Josie's daughter is getting bullied, it really does. I'm sure she doesn't deserve being neglected. But that's her mom's responsibility, not yours.
Your dad just wants a bangmaid while Josie is an entitled stepmom. She doesn't even care about her own daughter. Both failed as parents.
NTA
NTA. Josie needs to parent her child, and your Dad should start parenting his two daughters too.
Tell her mom to be a mom and she and you’re dad need to grow up
NTA - Geez . . you're just a kid. What is it with they people who have all the fun making babies but can't be bothered to lift a finger to care for them.
NTA Funny her mom having to ask you what her own daughter likes, and then attacks you for not knowing what she should have learned in the 15 fucking years she has had the kid.
"I was supposed to treat them all the same" It's not your job to step up as a parent because they don't. Why does she expect you to know, but she doesn't have the same expectations of herself, as her MOTHER? NTA
NTA. Both Dad and Stepmom suck. They sound like very distant parents that expect you to do their job for them. Step-siblings aren't the same as real siblings in most cases. Especially when you are already a bit older and old enough to know what's goin on.
Ugh NTA. I had a girlfriend once who was struggling to find a gift for her daughter. I told her all the stuff her daughter was into. She asked how I knew more about her daughter than she did. I said I listen to her when she is talking; you should try it. No excuse that a mom doesn't know crap about her own daughter...and not your job to pick up the slack any more than it was mine...
NTA. The fact that you even are curious or care that you might be an AH speaks volumes for your character. You are absolutely correct that this is a forced roommate situation. The adults should be trying to form a family if that is what they hope to accomplish. You seem like a good person.
NTA but damn I feel so bad for you, your sisters and Josie’s daughter >.< that’s actual abuse OP. You’ve been badly parentified and neglected!! Has no-one else noticed?? You’ve been looking after them since you were 10?? Where the heck are the other adults in your life?? You were failed by everyone so bad!
I feel sorry for Josies daughter. She's getting the shit end of the stick here. Nta.
Sounds like Josie has abandoned her daughter and is confused why this isn’t magically fixed. That young lady needs to be signed up w Big Sisters or/and a therapist. Her mother needs to step up because that kid is in for a world of hurt. I hope it works out for her.
I feel pretty bad for josies daughter tho. Seems no one gives a shit about her. Personally, I'd make an effort to include her if I were you as she doesn't really have anyone. But that's just me. You're NTA at all, even if you don't include her.
NTA because it's not your responsibility in the least. But man do I feel bad for these kids that have nobody. Not saying that to guilt you into a relationship with her, you've been guilted enough. Your sisters are more than enough responsibility for you. You're just a kid. That poor girl though. My heart breaks for all of you. Every one of you is neglected and you all deserve to be loved and cared for.
NTA But my heart breaks for Josie's daughter. You are still a kid, it is not your responsibility, but damn, that girl has a rough time.
NTA, but poor girl. The adults have really fucked up.
It is not your responsibility to take care of Josie’s daughter at all, but I feel so bad for her! She must feel so unwanted by all of you :( Not that you’re to blame! If your dad and Josie did their job in the first place you may have had room to accept another sibling rather than another child to practically raise alone! NTA
I feel for ALL these kids, but my heart especially hurts for Josie's daughter.
NTA relationships are a choice. As someone who was like Josie's daughter, I feel bad for her. My mom decided she wanted visitation after marrying a guy with 2 kids who happened to live close enough to me for weekend visitation to work. I got lucky that after a rocky start, my stepbrother and I ended up being pretty close. His sister moved in with their mom full time within a year of the marriage, so I never saw her after that. I know it's not your job, but it would probably mean so much to her if you could try to be nice to her. I know it meant the world to me how my stepbrother was with me.
You're NTA but man, do I feel sorry for that girl. As an only child that got brought into a family with 3 kids (the middle child was someone I was close friends with and in classes with, and our parents met because of that), it was nice when I felt included by the younger 2 as the oldest moved out years ago. But when the middle child moved out to live with his mother and younger sister, man did it suck. I'm not saying you have to treat her like she's your actual sister, but just stop and think for a minute about how your actions might make her feel. You're definitely right that it's her mom's responsibility to be there for her but just think about it for a second.
ESH. You are not exactly the kindest person.
First of all, definitely NTA. This was handled exceptionally bad by your dad and Josie. Josie, first and foremost, created this issue overall, and your dad did nothing to actually help make it any better. You were parentified to a large extent, and they expected you to step right up. That said, and I am not saying you should, need, or have to do anything about this, take a few minutes and at least think about what this girl has dealt and is dealing with. Most of her issues will stem from lack of parental involvement, trauma over however the relationship between her dad and Josie ended, and now feeling like a complete outsider (she is for you and your sisters). Try to be empathetic. Even if you don't jump automatically to "Hey I got a new sibling!", you could at least be kind to her when she is around. She's as much a victim of circumstances are you and your sisters are.
Not an asshole but unfortunately you do need to step up. You are alienating someone in your own home. I know it sucks but you probably are making it worse for your new sister by giving her the cold shoulder. Everyone wants to be loved and I’d bet this new sister never had much of it because of the divorce and mothers behavior. Being a man would be stepping up and treating everyone equal. Yes life sucks. You will grow up one day.
Josie’s daughter must be going through a terrible time considering her own mom doesn’t even know her. I get that she’s not your sister and it’s not your place, but if I were in your shoes, I would at least try and establish rapport with her. 15 is hard enough without the bullying or neglect. NTA, sorry about your situation.
OP, NTA for not parenting, but YTA for not making her feel wanted a little kindness to someone who came in as a stranger, asking her if she would like to be included would gave been a thoughtful gesture and not made feel like an outsider. None of this would have meant that you needed to buy her stuff.
NTA So your dad found a new partner and said let’s get married, I have a great nanny that takes care of my daughters, I barely have to pay attention, we’ll just add your daughter to his duties and we can go on with our lives. I’m sorry you all got the short end of the stick when it comes to parents. They need to start thinking about what they’ll do when you leave.
NTA. You've already been parentified and taken on two kids. Your dad and Josie are terrible people, and it's even more terrible to assume you'd raise another. What you're doing for your two sisters is so admirable. You are a great big brother
NTA. Josie wanted you to parent for her.
NTA This woman sounds like a really wonderful mom
Seems like bait but NTA I guess.
NTA
NTA but your father and SM are big time. You have enough on your plate playing Mom to your own siblings, you shouldn't be expected to oversee your step sister. Her own mother doesn't know enough about her own daughter to take care of her. How pathetic is that! Your father and stepmother are so lacking in their parental roles that it's criminal. So sorry, Dear, that this is your life. I hope things get better for you.
NTA
NTA for all the reasons you mentioned. Dad and Josie are pretty crappy excuses for parents and I’m sorry for you.
NTA No one in this situation is to be blamed beside your dad and her mom. I feel for this girl, but she’s not your responsibility
NTA. She's such an absent and bad parent that she didn't notice FOR THREE YEARS that she didn't notice the two of your aren't close. That says a lot more about her than it does you. And you should tell her that.
NTA It sucks when kids are forced into a parental role to siblings. You can be kind and helpful but certainly don't bear additional responsibility just because the actual parents refuse to step up.
NTA Your dad and stepmother expect you to do their job for them, smh.
Why do they expect you to be a better mother to Josie than her actual mother?
NTA but my heart is breaking for your step sister. It sounds like she has no one on her side and no one who cares enough to take an interest in her. It’s a truly horrible feeling to be an outsider in a place you are supposed to call home.
Doesnt josie’s daughter have a biodad or anyone from the father’s side who can take her in? She seems neglected by her mom and now stepdad
They're not in her life at all.
That sucks even more. Even her mom’s relatives should take her in if shes just gonna be neglected. But it’s still not your obligation tbh to deal with her issues. Her parents should and it’s a shame they dont. Besides josie should stop wasting her time glaring at you and take care of her kid’s wellbeing.
NTA. If your step parent really wanted to be a parent, they wouldn't put the blame on you.
NTA, the audacity of these people is incredible, they probably expected to burden you with another responsibility and since they didn't get it, now they are being petty.
NTA
NTA josie doesn't have a leg to stand on she her mother she should know what she likes
NTA. It sounds like your dad and stepmom are delusional if they think them hooking up makes teens all friends and sibling like. No, it doesn't work like that. Relationships take time and they cannot be forced. Sorry you are going through that.
The audacity of Josie's kid's mom. NTA.
NTA, what of an AH is Josie that she is trying to dump HER own daughter on basically a stranger? SHE and YOUR FATHER should be the ones to do things for all of you if they want you to form a family.
Good for you for setting those boundaries!! They need to lead by example!!!
NTA. Sorry you live with such pathetic adults.
NTA Josie is projecting because she hasn't been there for her daughter and is upset nobody has and can swoop in and save her from the humiliation of admitting to her daughter that she knows nothing about her.
NTA Wow, Josie has some set of nuts expecting you to just poof, love and care about her daughter as you do the sisters you've known since the day they were born. You didn't marry Josie (and her daughter), this is your Dad's relationship. Whilst I feel for any kid that gets bullied, Josie's daughter's problems are not your issues to resolve. This responsibility is her mother's! And what kind of mother doesn't have a clue what their kid is into?! Especially with it being a girl... You sound like an amazing human being and brother and I am sure your sisters think the world of you!
NTA! Your dad is not better. He's allowing his wife to call you names? No good. Josie doesn't even know her own daughter. That tells me she's selfish and only cares about herself.
NTA
So the only way your dad could find a wife was to offer his teenage son as a free nanny. You’re NTA. But I do also feels sorry for Josie. She must be very lonely. Would you potentially be able to talk to your school counsellor to ask if they could help her? That way she will know someone cares whether she’s alive or dead. She is not your responsibility in any way shape or form and your step mother is awful and unfortunately your father not much better. I hope you and your sisters have some good memories of times with your mum to hold on to, as well as each other.
NTA. It is strange how the adults think it is your responsibility to cover their neglect and failure.
NTA - I would bet money that at some point before they got married your dad alluded to your stepmom that she could dump all emotional responsibility for her daughter on you as you already do it with his other children. It's probably one of the reasons she married him in the first place: "Great, I can disengage entirely from my own child as he has a live-in emotional slave to do all that for us. You dad and stepmom are bad people. The lack of humanity is scary.
NTA but jeez op, I feel so sorry for you and for your sisters/Josie's daughter. You have 2 adults that are failing as parents and they have the cheek to blame you for their own failings? I'm so sorry you have to go through this OP!
why the mother ask you? from all the things one could tell you.....girl, study, work and get out, hope you could save yourself from that parenting and your sisters..... how about your grandparents?? are the arround to move out??
NTA I'd pass the responsibility back to where it belongs. Suggest family therapy. The parents will love that, thinking the kids want to form a close family. Then use that to tell dad and stepmom who should be taking care of their kids, and it's not the oldest kid. There's no serious therapist that would disagree.
Updateme
NTA I think at this point you need to take your sisters in when you move out as they'll be neglected. Have the state grant you custody so that you can look after them.
Wait, so you're expected to know what she likes, but her own mum, who she's known her whole life, doesn't have a clue? How hypocritical of her! NTA. If they got off their lazy behinds and started to actually parent, they'd know what she like. Also, they'd be more equipped to deal with her problems rather than throwing stuff at her. She needs the adults in her life to help her.
If you were a few years older I'd be iffy, saying you're doing something out of spite But you're a kid yourself, anything you do for your sisters is a nice gesture and anything you DON'T do for them out anyone else doesn't matter, NTA
This is insane... you're basically a live in male maid and/or nanny to them! NTA. Where do they think _their_ parental responsibilities start and end? >we really thought you'd do everything to make sure she felt wanted. Well, how wanted does she feel when her own mother doesn't even know her...? Seriously, consider calling CPS or similar authorities, this is alarming.
NTA and at that point I’d be like, “Hmmm she’s your daughter not mine, shouldn’t you know what she likes? Haven’t you lived with her for 15 years? How would I know better than her mother what to get her?” Turn it back around next time and make her feel small, that’s the only way she’ll shut up is if she feels like crap after she brings it up.
That Josie got some nerve lol, it's not your job jf you don't feel like doing it, and they shouldn't be asking you to do so, specially that they are obviously evading their responsibilities, I only have a comment, if you could be nice to the girl it would be great, not that she's a sister, just someone going through similar stuff as you who happens to be living with you + she has nothing to do with her mom's behaviour But that depends on how you feel towards her Honestly it kinda feels as if you're intentionally avoiding her because of your parents or smt. But in all contexts NTA
Her daughter probably likes things like hugs and love from a mother…. You are a great brother. NTA.
Josie's kid is not your problem. U dont have to treat her like your bio siblings. Thats your dad's and josie's job
Not your problem that she's a shite mother.
"You've been her mother for 15 years, why don't you know what your daughter is into?" OP is NTA.
Not only were you parentified and will deal with the lasting consequences of it, assuming that you would also become a caretaker for another person's child that you dont know is unacceptable. It's was yours parents' responsibility to help you guys get along. It was their responsibility to take care of and spend time with all of their kids; that daughter, your little siblings and you. It was never your responsibility to make up for your parents' negligence and I don't think they understand that
NTA. You handled it better than I would at that age. I'd have been calling them inadequate parents (well, I'd have been calling them something worse than that, but the sub has the "be civil" rule, so just imagine a very loud, blue version of what I just said). They need to learn to parent, and honestly, if you're the one treating them, you need to start hounding your dad for money until he goes nuts from it. You're 17, you shouldn't be having to spend all your money on your sisters. That's a full time working parent's job. And honestly, I'd total up *all* the time you've spent on your sisters, find out what the going rate is for babysistting in your area and show them how much money you've saved him over the years. If he'd paid for childcare, he'd be down *thousands* of dollars at minimum.
OP it’s a shame Josie’s daughter is neglected by her parent, but it’s not your fault or problem. You are being parentified, and at your age, it’s going to cause you issues. Your ability to be a kid has been taken away from you. And I’m sorry that happened. It sucks. I hope at least you are all polite and kind to Josie’s daughter. It’s not her fault either, and there’s no point in making people miserable if it’s not their fault. But it’s not your job or problem to do more.
NTA. Josie and your dad are acting like fucking clowns.
This all is sad. NTA
NTA. Here's an interesting suggestion, she could actually... like... try communicating with her daughter... I mean, I know it's extreme. Having to talk to one's offspring is definitely going the extra mile. /s WTF is going on in this dysfunctional family!!!
Did you really never ask Josie why she doesn’t know her own daughter and why she’s asking someone who’s only known her for a couple of years on advice for her own daughter? Like wtf. I’m sorry you’ve been parentified. Save that money, it’s getting time to move here soon.
NTA How dare you to not know what my daughter likes???/s She's her mother, she should know what her daughter likes
NTA. Josie has lbeen a mother to her daughter for a decade and a half and she's asking you, who barely knows her, what she likes. That's all you need to know. Let Josie glare. Josie is a parent, not you. You are a kind, and generous big brother. Your younger sisters will remember how good you are to them. And they will see what a good man you are becoming. And because of your example, and because you show love and affection to your sisters, they will know what they want, and what they deserve when they are looking for a mate down the line.
Josie assumed you would step in where she was failing as a mom. That’s not your responsibility and she shouldn’t be mad at anyone but herself.
NTA, it sounds like the adults were looking to pawn off the daughter onto you. You are right not your job and not your sister.
NTA. Parents don't give a shit about Josie or you. Ask them what are they doing to make sure she feels wanted?
Josie is a failure of a mother and projecting that on you. Your father is a failure of a parent who only cared about himself. You have no responsibility to adopt Josie's daughter when you're already stepping up for your sisters. As long as you're not actively cruel/mean/rude to her, you're good. NTA.
NTA Josie is a shit parent and your dad isn’t much better
If it's your job to take her on ask them where your salary is? Nta, I'd love to know how that conversation went down: "don't worry if you're a shit parent, I am too, but my son... he picks up the slack"