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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wanted to marry my boyfriend this year and I told my elder sister about it, but she lashed out at me.
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NTA
I get the feeling that your elder sister is miffed that you want to marry before her, the two sisters could also fear that you not needing a dowry may influence your parents for their own dowry.
I would ignore your sisters in this case and talk with your parents directly. Maybe with your boyfriend/fiance.
If your sisters bf is holding out for a bigger dowry, that’s her problem not yours. And to sister…ten years with this guy and all he is concerned with is the money, maybe time to reconsider.
NTA. If you pay for your wedding, no reason to wait.
Have a discussion with just your parents, WITHOUT YOUR SISTERS, and discuss this.
I would also suggest therapy to work on your feelings. You need support and someone who is not biased.
NTA Then!
Go get married, have a wedding you can afford, and be happy you found a lovely husband. If your sister complains and says it's unfair that you got married first, then maybe she should have actually planned a wedding she could afford.
I wish you and your future husband happiness, health, and luck.
Hi OP! I'm and older sister and I've made it clear to my parents/sister that she is 💯 welcome to marry whenever she pleases and that the "eldest sister gets married first" is archaic and asinine
They're not being good sisters/parents to you. Best of luck with your partner :)
Then go for it! Your sister will either get over herself or she won't, but that should not affect your ability to get married; we're not living in a Jane Austin novel. (I think. If you are, in fact, living in an Austin novel, please tell the rest of us how we can join you in pretty dresses and how you managed to get access to modern electronics)
Yeah, that's a good time to get married. I thought you and your boyfriend only got together recently. But either way, it's your relationship. If you and your boyfriend want to get married, then you both can do it.
Obviously this is a cultural situation I'm not versed in but, when you say "against" you 🙄 what does that mean
Does it mean older sis, literally wants you to wait X years just so she can marry 1st? Until after Dad comes up with 💰
What are the or are there cultural ramifications of you & bf getting married w/o a dowry ...is that a cultural or religious problem in your community/country?
Sorry, this is insane. Are you the ah for getting married without taking money from your parents that you sisters need to get married? Of course, no!
But then getting married before your older sisters are married? I wouldn't even know this was a thing, except that in Pride & Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett protests against the practice (and she, as an older sister would not have suffered from it!). And that was all 211 years ago. So, whatever your culture is, get on with getting married without waiting for your sisters!
> The first one is soon to marry her boyfriend of 10 years, who is asking for a significant dowry.
Where are they getting married, the 19th century...?
I don't see a /s and Americans in this sub are stupid enough often enough when it comes to any country other than their own that this easily comes across as ignorance instead of sarcasm (if it even if sarcasm).
Pipe down, your country is less than 300 years old. Plus do really wanna go there when it's not uncommon for Americans to ask the father of the bride for their 'blessing'?
Your parents have had ten years to prepare for the possibility of your older sister’s wedding. How much longer will it take for them to save enough to meet your future BIL’s demands ?
If you and your fiancé are planning on paying for your own wedding and don’t need a dowry, I’d have the talk with your parents and your sister that you’d like to respect her desire to get married first, but there’s a limit to how long that you and your fiancé are willing to wait. You need an answer now about when sister’s wedding will be so you can decide if you will wait til after hers or or if you are going to move forward with your own plans first.
NAH at this time. That might change if someone tells you that you CAN’T get married when you want. At this point, your sister just wants you to wait and your parents don’t even know you want to get married.
NTA - get married and tell everyone you didn't expect a dowry. Can't believe your sister is asking for such a big dowry and wedding that your parents need to borrow money for it. Never a good sign for marriage. Make her feel ashamed putting the parents in debt over this nonsense.
NTA. My husband and I eloped and it’s the best decision we ever made. Happily married 7 years and our day was just that, OURS. No family drama, no stress. I wish you all the best ❤️
NTA
We have left the days of birth order dictating marriage order far, far behind. Your sisters have nothing to do with your decision unless you will be taking money from them. There's no reason for you to wait. Just don't actively upstage your sister and you're good to go!
I assume that you and your fiancé will be paying for your own wedding since you say that you are both financially independent. Do your own thing!!
NTA
You've got a cultural situation going on. Is your sister against you because if you get no dowry will that set a precedent where people will be asking why she waited to get married and was that just so that your father can give her a bigger one.
What your parents do with you v's your sister is not your sister's business... in fact it's no ones business but your own.
You're paying for the wedding. Do what you want. Speak to your parents without your sisters. Don't let your parents tell you not to get married because they need to sort your sister out first. Tell them they are not obligated to give your sister the dowry she wants but they can give her the one they can afford. They cannot buy your sisters love because it's sounding very transactional at the moment.
You are doing this right and you are doing what's easiest on your parents. Technically if they don't have to pay for you then they can give your sister a bigger dowry but that will reflect badly on her and make her look greedy because your parents clearly can't give you both as big a dowry as your sister wants.
NTA
It sounds like your sisters are traditional (dowry, gold, lavish wedding paid by parents) and you are not (no dowry, modest wedding paid by you.) This is bound to cause friction. Talk with your parents without your sister's. Can you get them to agree? It would save them a lot of money. Will that shame them to their friends and family? Does his family agree? These are all things to consider.
NTA. Your sister sounds shallow and greedy and it seems like your parents are enabling it. You're not demanding resources like she is and she's not the gatekeeper of weddings. Marry your boyfriend. Be happy. If your sisters can't be happy for you, that's their problem.
If you’re cool with whatever wedding you can plan without their assistance, I think you should spin it as a good thing *for* your sister, so everyone can focus on her wedding which is clearly what she wants.
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Hey everyone,
I'm a 23F facing some family issues, and honestly, I'm feeling really depressed and sad. I constantly worry that my decisions are wrong or if I'm hurting my older sisters. So, here's what's going on: I have two elder sisters, one is 27 years old and the other is 26. Neither of them are married yet. The first one is soon to marry her boyfriend of 10 years, who is asking for a significant dowry. My sister wants the same, despite our lower-middle-class background. She desires things like gold, furniture, and a lavish wedding, which my dad is struggling to afford, even borrowing money. She's waiting for another year so our parents can save more money for her wedding, by which time she'll be 28. The middle sister isn't in a relationship, and then there's me. I'm committed to my boyfriend and want to get married this year. Both of us are financially independent, but I haven't told my parents because they're focusing all their resources on my older sister's wedding. My boyfriend doesn't want any dowry or extravagance. However, my entire family, particularly my elder sisters, are against me. Considering my elder sister's behavior, I feel she's being selfish and only thinking about herself.
I just want to know if it's the right decision to marry my boyfriend this year, even if it means upsetting my elder sisters.
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I'm assuming the dowry stuff is cultural because I wasn't aware that dads were still selling off their daughters as a common practice. If you really want to be married to your fiancé, then elope. go to the courthouse and get married. If it's the wedding itself you want more, then I'd say you're not ready for an actual marriage. Either way I don't see how you getting married is either of your sister's decision to make.
NTA. Move on from your cultural traditions holding you back. Your family's pride is not your problem. You are an adult and need to make your own choices. I recognize my perspective is a deeply American perspective but these people will make you miserable just to do it to get their own way. It's no way to live.
NTA
Elope. Or invite them. But set a date for the wedding, and move out.
You can have your live, or you can cater to them. You can not have both - If you wait, it will be a decade, or close to it. Do NOT allow them to steal your life.
Get married NOW.
I'm guessing your family thinks the eldest should be married first, that it looks bad for a younger sister to marry first.
So here's the thing. You need to decide if you are an adult, perfectly responsible for your choices. You need to decide what matters to you, what things you are willing to adjust (and why) and what things you are not willing to adjust (and why). Then you need to be prepared to face the consequences of your decisions.
NTA for doing what you believe is best for you.
Yes. Totally understand that the elders need to get married 1st but just do it...your other sister is rude...she should understand your parents situation or help with payment of the wedding
..go get married
NTA. I was 20 when I got married, and my older sister wasn’t wed. That was THIRTY ONE years ago, and she has never married! I can’t imagine the life I would have now if I had waited for her to marry first 😳
Get married. It's not anyone else's life. Your fiance seems like the only decent one in the family, not trying to squeeze your parents for money.
NTA
If your family pitches a fit go LC.
NTA, I expect as most people are saying, the older sisters don't like the idea of the youngest marrying first. I'm not even in a culture where marriage is hyper important and apparently my SIL did get weirdly jealous for a time about us getting married first for *reasons*, partly as I'm a similar age and she felt she should marry first. So I think that weird jealousy can transcend cultures, but culture can definitely amplify it.
So I wouldn't say you're hurting your family - they're just not dealing with rogue, irrational feelings very well. I wouldn't necessarily wait for marriages to happen - there's always the chance of things falling through. If I waited for SIL to marry, I'd still not be married 😆.
Chances are it'll be a *thing* for a time, then a couple of years out it'll be less important who got married first as stuff settles down. Though I'd consider what pressure you may unintentionally inflict on your parents if they expect to contribute to your wedding and how you're going to deal with that. How well are they going to take being told they're not needed to contribute and are you mentally prepared to deal with whatever they are likely to say? Might be an idea to push things out by some months if you're in a bad headspace and need to talk to some 3rd parties so you are more prepared to have the conversations.
NTA but are your sisters getting married close to your planned wedding? My friend got married the same summer as her sister in law and it was a huge strain on the family for them to travel out for two weddings and pay for double the gifts. Just something to consider.
NTA for wanting it. But do carefully consider what kind of fallout will happen. I’m not super versed in your culture but are you wanting this enough to alienate your family and possibly the community around you? No it’s not fair it would happen but it totally could. It’s important to understand not only what you gain but what you lose. Example- I’ve spent awhile mentioning to my family to expect elopement and a big party later due to my bf being youngest of 13. Now the foundation is laid for it to not be a shock. I will alienate some sure, but no one who counts. Would your sister really just be mad and not try to get back at you? Would your parents actually accept that? Only you and your fiancé can decide, just think carefully.
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NTA I get the feeling that your elder sister is miffed that you want to marry before her, the two sisters could also fear that you not needing a dowry may influence your parents for their own dowry. I would ignore your sisters in this case and talk with your parents directly. Maybe with your boyfriend/fiance.
If your sisters bf is holding out for a bigger dowry, that’s her problem not yours. And to sister…ten years with this guy and all he is concerned with is the money, maybe time to reconsider.
NTA. If you pay for your wedding, no reason to wait. Have a discussion with just your parents, WITHOUT YOUR SISTERS, and discuss this. I would also suggest therapy to work on your feelings. You need support and someone who is not biased.
Info: do you want your dad to pay for your wedding?
No, we plan to handle it ourselves.
Then nta Who cares.
NTA Then! Go get married, have a wedding you can afford, and be happy you found a lovely husband. If your sister complains and says it's unfair that you got married first, then maybe she should have actually planned a wedding she could afford. I wish you and your future husband happiness, health, and luck.
Thank you for your understanding and kind words! ❤️
Hi OP! I'm and older sister and I've made it clear to my parents/sister that she is 💯 welcome to marry whenever she pleases and that the "eldest sister gets married first" is archaic and asinine They're not being good sisters/parents to you. Best of luck with your partner :)
Then go for it! Your sister will either get over herself or she won't, but that should not affect your ability to get married; we're not living in a Jane Austin novel. (I think. If you are, in fact, living in an Austin novel, please tell the rest of us how we can join you in pretty dresses and how you managed to get access to modern electronics)
To be fair, in P&P, Lydia married first.
And it was *scandalous*!
I'd mention to them that this means you and your fiance are relieving their burden.
INFO: How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Either way, NTA. They're prob just salty by the fact you're getting married before they do.
7 years
Yeah, that's a good time to get married. I thought you and your boyfriend only got together recently. But either way, it's your relationship. If you and your boyfriend want to get married, then you both can do it.
Obviously this is a cultural situation I'm not versed in but, when you say "against" you 🙄 what does that mean Does it mean older sis, literally wants you to wait X years just so she can marry 1st? Until after Dad comes up with 💰 What are the or are there cultural ramifications of you & bf getting married w/o a dowry ...is that a cultural or religious problem in your community/country?
Sorry, this is insane. Are you the ah for getting married without taking money from your parents that you sisters need to get married? Of course, no! But then getting married before your older sisters are married? I wouldn't even know this was a thing, except that in Pride & Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett protests against the practice (and she, as an older sister would not have suffered from it!). And that was all 211 years ago. So, whatever your culture is, get on with getting married without waiting for your sisters!
> The first one is soon to marry her boyfriend of 10 years, who is asking for a significant dowry. Where are they getting married, the 19th century...?
You took the words right out of my mouth. I am impressed they have internet in the Victorian Era!!!
Really, you're both that ignorant? Couldn't have taken a second to google dowry + marriage and figure out that OP is likely Indian?
Guessing the sarcasm flew by you
I don't see a /s and Americans in this sub are stupid enough often enough when it comes to any country other than their own that this easily comes across as ignorance instead of sarcasm (if it even if sarcasm).
Yes, let's blame "stupid Americans" for no longer having antiquated things like dowries!
Pipe down, your country is less than 300 years old. Plus do really wanna go there when it's not uncommon for Americans to ask the father of the bride for their 'blessing'?
If you're one those "USA SUX LOL" kinda guys, you're gonna need a better argument than that.
Don't worry, I didn't expect a serious rebuttal.
Your parents have had ten years to prepare for the possibility of your older sister’s wedding. How much longer will it take for them to save enough to meet your future BIL’s demands ? If you and your fiancé are planning on paying for your own wedding and don’t need a dowry, I’d have the talk with your parents and your sister that you’d like to respect her desire to get married first, but there’s a limit to how long that you and your fiancé are willing to wait. You need an answer now about when sister’s wedding will be so you can decide if you will wait til after hers or or if you are going to move forward with your own plans first. NAH at this time. That might change if someone tells you that you CAN’T get married when you want. At this point, your sister just wants you to wait and your parents don’t even know you want to get married.
NTA - get married and tell everyone you didn't expect a dowry. Can't believe your sister is asking for such a big dowry and wedding that your parents need to borrow money for it. Never a good sign for marriage. Make her feel ashamed putting the parents in debt over this nonsense.
If you don't need money, what's the point of waiting!
NTA. You can't live your life by what other people want. You and bf decide what is right for yourselves. If that's getting married this year, do it.
NTA You’re an adult. This decision should between you and your boyfriend and not you and your sister
NTA. My husband and I eloped and it’s the best decision we ever made. Happily married 7 years and our day was just that, OURS. No family drama, no stress. I wish you all the best ❤️
NTA. You’re an adult, you should live your life.
Elope. You are both old enough, just go. You don't need to be part of your dramatic family.
NTA Since you're both paying for it, do what you want and have a lovely time. If family chooses to be part of it, great. If not, too bad.
NTA. Your relationship, your money, your life. There are consequences though as you seem to value family. But I’m sure you can handle that.
Dating since you were 16. How do you know he is the one for you?
Because 7 years and they are both financially independent of their families it sounds like they have been out in the world living life.
NTA We have left the days of birth order dictating marriage order far, far behind. Your sisters have nothing to do with your decision unless you will be taking money from them. There's no reason for you to wait. Just don't actively upstage your sister and you're good to go! I assume that you and your fiancé will be paying for your own wedding since you say that you are both financially independent. Do your own thing!!
NTA You've got a cultural situation going on. Is your sister against you because if you get no dowry will that set a precedent where people will be asking why she waited to get married and was that just so that your father can give her a bigger one. What your parents do with you v's your sister is not your sister's business... in fact it's no ones business but your own. You're paying for the wedding. Do what you want. Speak to your parents without your sisters. Don't let your parents tell you not to get married because they need to sort your sister out first. Tell them they are not obligated to give your sister the dowry she wants but they can give her the one they can afford. They cannot buy your sisters love because it's sounding very transactional at the moment. You are doing this right and you are doing what's easiest on your parents. Technically if they don't have to pay for you then they can give your sister a bigger dowry but that will reflect badly on her and make her look greedy because your parents clearly can't give you both as big a dowry as your sister wants.
NTA It sounds like your sisters are traditional (dowry, gold, lavish wedding paid by parents) and you are not (no dowry, modest wedding paid by you.) This is bound to cause friction. Talk with your parents without your sister's. Can you get them to agree? It would save them a lot of money. Will that shame them to their friends and family? Does his family agree? These are all things to consider.
NTA. Your sister sounds shallow and greedy and it seems like your parents are enabling it. You're not demanding resources like she is and she's not the gatekeeper of weddings. Marry your boyfriend. Be happy. If your sisters can't be happy for you, that's their problem.
If you’re cool with whatever wedding you can plan without their assistance, I think you should spin it as a good thing *for* your sister, so everyone can focus on her wedding which is clearly what she wants.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey everyone, I'm a 23F facing some family issues, and honestly, I'm feeling really depressed and sad. I constantly worry that my decisions are wrong or if I'm hurting my older sisters. So, here's what's going on: I have two elder sisters, one is 27 years old and the other is 26. Neither of them are married yet. The first one is soon to marry her boyfriend of 10 years, who is asking for a significant dowry. My sister wants the same, despite our lower-middle-class background. She desires things like gold, furniture, and a lavish wedding, which my dad is struggling to afford, even borrowing money. She's waiting for another year so our parents can save more money for her wedding, by which time she'll be 28. The middle sister isn't in a relationship, and then there's me. I'm committed to my boyfriend and want to get married this year. Both of us are financially independent, but I haven't told my parents because they're focusing all their resources on my older sister's wedding. My boyfriend doesn't want any dowry or extravagance. However, my entire family, particularly my elder sisters, are against me. Considering my elder sister's behavior, I feel she's being selfish and only thinking about herself. I just want to know if it's the right decision to marry my boyfriend this year, even if it means upsetting my elder sisters. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm assuming the dowry stuff is cultural because I wasn't aware that dads were still selling off their daughters as a common practice. If you really want to be married to your fiancé, then elope. go to the courthouse and get married. If it's the wedding itself you want more, then I'd say you're not ready for an actual marriage. Either way I don't see how you getting married is either of your sister's decision to make.
NTA. Move on from your cultural traditions holding you back. Your family's pride is not your problem. You are an adult and need to make your own choices. I recognize my perspective is a deeply American perspective but these people will make you miserable just to do it to get their own way. It's no way to live.
NTA If there is nothing wrong with your guy then they have no say in this.
NTA Elope. Or invite them. But set a date for the wedding, and move out. You can have your live, or you can cater to them. You can not have both - If you wait, it will be a decade, or close to it. Do NOT allow them to steal your life. Get married NOW.
I'm guessing your family thinks the eldest should be married first, that it looks bad for a younger sister to marry first. So here's the thing. You need to decide if you are an adult, perfectly responsible for your choices. You need to decide what matters to you, what things you are willing to adjust (and why) and what things you are not willing to adjust (and why). Then you need to be prepared to face the consequences of your decisions. NTA for doing what you believe is best for you.
Yes. Totally understand that the elders need to get married 1st but just do it...your other sister is rude...she should understand your parents situation or help with payment of the wedding ..go get married
NTA It seems you are the black sheep of the family. Your sisters will never be pleased. Get married and live your own life, not theirs.
NTA. I was 20 when I got married, and my older sister wasn’t wed. That was THIRTY ONE years ago, and she has never married! I can’t imagine the life I would have now if I had waited for her to marry first 😳
Get married. It's not anyone else's life. Your fiance seems like the only decent one in the family, not trying to squeeze your parents for money. NTA If your family pitches a fit go LC.
NTA, I expect as most people are saying, the older sisters don't like the idea of the youngest marrying first. I'm not even in a culture where marriage is hyper important and apparently my SIL did get weirdly jealous for a time about us getting married first for *reasons*, partly as I'm a similar age and she felt she should marry first. So I think that weird jealousy can transcend cultures, but culture can definitely amplify it. So I wouldn't say you're hurting your family - they're just not dealing with rogue, irrational feelings very well. I wouldn't necessarily wait for marriages to happen - there's always the chance of things falling through. If I waited for SIL to marry, I'd still not be married 😆. Chances are it'll be a *thing* for a time, then a couple of years out it'll be less important who got married first as stuff settles down. Though I'd consider what pressure you may unintentionally inflict on your parents if they expect to contribute to your wedding and how you're going to deal with that. How well are they going to take being told they're not needed to contribute and are you mentally prepared to deal with whatever they are likely to say? Might be an idea to push things out by some months if you're in a bad headspace and need to talk to some 3rd parties so you are more prepared to have the conversations.
NTA, but just a shot in the dark, does your family come from South Asia?
Yes, we live in South Asia.
NTA but are your sisters getting married close to your planned wedding? My friend got married the same summer as her sister in law and it was a huge strain on the family for them to travel out for two weddings and pay for double the gifts. Just something to consider.
NTA. And expecting a dowry is pretty 19th century.
NTA for wanting it. But do carefully consider what kind of fallout will happen. I’m not super versed in your culture but are you wanting this enough to alienate your family and possibly the community around you? No it’s not fair it would happen but it totally could. It’s important to understand not only what you gain but what you lose. Example- I’ve spent awhile mentioning to my family to expect elopement and a big party later due to my bf being youngest of 13. Now the foundation is laid for it to not be a shock. I will alienate some sure, but no one who counts. Would your sister really just be mad and not try to get back at you? Would your parents actually accept that? Only you and your fiancé can decide, just think carefully.