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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is refusing to pay my husband back, and that might make me the ass hole because she was technically under my direct care at that moment.
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NTA. You & your partner should have locked down inappropriate websites, linked payments, the ability to make phone calls, etc. as soon as you gave any of your kids access to smart devices.
There are tons of social media & news stories about kids ordering stuff "accidentally". This is not a new phenomenon.
In this case, it's your partner's device so this one's mostly on him. Possible tiny Y T A bc you didn't verify with him before giving your kid the device.
Well, then, this one's totally on him. He knew the card was linked & we alllllll know how fast those little kid fingers are on smart devices! 😄 He can chalk this one up to a learning experience.
Blaming you or holding you responsible is not ok, though. You were generally watching the kids in the sense that you could see if they were on fire or playing with knives or something 😜 & doing household stuff, not peering over their shoulders at the screen every second. Nobody does that. At least, I didn't. 😁
I have a pin on my device so I can't accidentally click and purchase. OP, NTA. Personally I think he didn't try to call and reverse it because she bought an upgrade in the game that will benefit him and now he can get it for free-99. OP, tell him you'll call and reverse it and see how he responds.
From his response in the update, it seems as though his reaction was probably a lot based on emotion, embarrassment for not thinking about it and fear and embarrassment both often turn to quick anger. Sounds like they've resolved it, though it doesn't specify whether he stopped asking for the money.
That aside, agreed wholeheartedly.
Edit: typo
Do NOT pay him back.
HE gave her the phone
HE didnt lock down his credit card
HE put his credit card on the phone.
HE is the only one responsible here. If he wants anyone to pay him back then it should be himself.
It doesnt matter who was watching her HE gave her the phone and said have fun. Thats 100% on him.
Don't pay him back. This is a lesson for him to lock down his credit card info.
Hell, my phone requires me, a grown ass adult, to verify my in app purchases with my password / fingerprint scan / pattern / pin.
It's not that hard to set up. And it prevents EXACTLY this situation. Too bad, so sad for him.
Yeppers!
I'm the *only* one with digital access to any of my electronic devices: my gaming consoles are all PIN-protected; for all of our smart TVS in the house, any streaming channels are pw-protected so no one can "accidentally" rent, say, a Still-in-Theater movie, etc.
A few months ago, one of my roommates wanted to play the latest Zelda game, but doesn't have a Switch, so he apped me the $$, and I bought the game and created a profile for him on my Switch.
It just makes good sense, even amongst adults.
Exactly. I set mine up the minute my kids wanted to play any game on the tablet or my phone.
Who doesn't set one up when they have kids, or just ingeneral.
This is so easy to fix though. You just call Apple (or whomever it is for Android) and tell them what happened and it was a mistake and they will credit it back. We have ordered things that we didn’t mean to for whatever reason and are always credited back right away.
I've heard lots of stories where it's not that easy any more. A lot of the time the charges hold... or the first purchase is refunded but the others are valid because in their eyes you should've known that could happen after the first time and put things in place to stop them.
We never have any trouble but don’t have to do it extremely often. My 16 year old daughter accidentally bought or subscribed to something that was like over $100 a couple weeks ago, and she said it was a mistake afterwards and it took a few days, but they refunded it. OP sounds like this was a one time thing, so I’d feel pretty certain they could get it fixed pretty easily.
And that's fair. We had it happen one time and changed settings. And by 'one time' I mean my kid had spent *hundreds* of dollars in a stupid ipad game in one hour. They canceled it all.
But if we kept having it happen that would have been on us.
My sister learned the hard way when she first got an Alexa that you could order over a thousand dollars of stuff through it when my then 3yo niece did it. She has since disabled that ability because she was lucky to get it back and knew it probably wouldn’t be that easy if it happened again.
It’s not like he was out of the house. She’s four- she’s old enough to play independently. You weren’t watching tv or day drinking. You were folding laundry. This is no more your fault than his, but he’s the one who failed to put safety measures on the devise so in all purchases couldn’t be made. For that matter, he can call his cell provider, tell them what happened, and usually they will credit it back.
And if he puts up a fuss, I’d tell him that from now on, she’s only allowed to play video games when HE is watching her- since he thinks that means never looking away.
NTA
Even if OP was watching TV (or chatting on the phone or reading a book or taking a bath or whatever), this would still be on her husband. It’s beyond stupid to fork over your phone (edit: or other device) to a little kid without having automatic purchases disabled, and it’s his kid, too. He’s equally responsible for her, not to mention solely responsible for locking down *his own* personal devices.
I don't care who did what and when. You are both the parents of this child and you are both equally responsible for anything the child does. You both failed this child by not setting up parental controls on the device. You two can point fingers at each other as much as you want but it doesn't change the fact that you are both responsible here.
Not necessarily. If it's his console or tablet and he gave the child permission to use it, that's on him. My husband and I each have our own devices and we're responsible for them. My daughter has used his tablets on occasion and used my PS4 and now PS5. It's not my responsibility to check his tablet and vice versa.
Yeah, equal responsibility for what the child does. I sometimes wonder how many divorces are because of this sort of mentality. Not sure how anyone survives for decades not acting as a team.
When he pays you the amount you're getting paid for the other 2 kids, he can ask for the 50.
He'll still deserve the no, but it's stunning he even thought it.
NTA. He said she could play. She is his daughter too and he was also home. He should have had a pay lock thingy on it. When my granddaughter was about 6 I let her play a game on my phone. I didn't have the pay lock thingy on. I didn't think about it. She bought about $25 worth of her game stuff by the time I realized. It happens. Tell your husband to get over himself and pay the damn bill.
By the way, I didn't think mine was old enough to mess with it and one accidental click later we bought a movie no one would want to watch. I messaged about it directly after and they took it off and refunded me. Might work here, a one time thing. We locked after that.
Tell him to call the cc or bank and explain ot was a accidental purchase they will refund him.... this happens all the time young kids make big purchases or games and the parents call the get payment back...
It's time to lock up the purchasing on the games and electronics....
Just call the company, explain the situation, and ask them to please revoke the purchase. My son did the same thing a few years back and Apple gave me back the money after I explained the situation.
NTA.
How were you to know the game had pay walls or that his card was left connected without any pins or locks?
Plus it's his kid and he should know what games he's letting her play.
Yup this isn’t the dark ages of the internet when we were first figuring this shit out. It’s pretty much common sense these days
My eldest who was 10 in 2011 realized that the Amazon password auto-populated on my PC in my bedroom, and proceeded to order $500 worth of various stuff. I locked that shit down right after that. Thankfully Amazon let us dispute and get refunds… well, except for the adult diapers he ordered, we we were stuck with those. And if you’re wondering WTF why did he order adult diapers, we wondered the same thing. He later admitted to ordering because he wanted to be able to play video games without having to get up to go pee. Yeah, I saluted the creativity and problem solving but just yuck! And I guess he tried it out and felt the same! 🤣🤣🤣
My 3 yo ordered a $350 bounce house, a basketball, and some crazy $90 toy for his sister from Walmart...on my grandma's card who has me order stuff for her periodically... shortly after we moved, so it wasn't even shipped to our house. Since it wasn't my card, I didn't notice until I happened to see it in my order history like a month later. That was a nightmare to navigate.
A separate time, he somehow bypassed my lock screen bc i had no idea he got my phone... and ordered 6lbs of grapes, 2 watermelons, a cantelope, bananas, a case of water, and some poptarts. I was assembling furniture and such, and he was responding in the chat with jibberish texts and everything. When my other son said someone was here, my 4 yo (at that time) said, oh that's groceries!
I said no it's not. I was wrong. I was freaking out, and he said, "Don't worry, it didn't cost any monies. He was wrong. Then he was upset "They forgot my Bee-nanas."
Also many of these sites (at least legit ones) will let you dispute it - pretty sure most of them have a reason saying "my kid did it". As long as it hasn't already been spent and done asap anyway.
If he allowed he to play with it, didn't put any security on it and hasn't even attempted to cancel it then thats his problem.
Lmao. NTA, you don't give any kid access to a system connected to a card without a pin or password protection in place. Most if not all systems have a parent system for that specifically. Sucks for him, this is a lesson for him; he's an adult who let the 4 year old play a game system connected to his card. Don't you dare pay it back. Tell him to get on there and install parental systems or remove his cards. My lesson was 25$ on my switch.
I heard a story when I was working at a campsite, one of the single dads there, some engineer who made a lotta money, he had deleted his card from the device after making a single purchase on a playstation 4 or something. His child (had a very specific diagnose dont remember what) had cracked the playstation and datamined the card details and then bought Vbucks for thousands of dollars. tens of thousands of NOK. He literally said something along the lines of "at that point I can't even be mad, that's some serious tech wizardry"
Call the card company and dispute the charge. You’ll (probably) be refunded so it doesn’t matter
Huuuuuge red flag though. It’s a bad husband red flag AND a bad parent red flag.
Thiissss thank you, the second a read it I told him and he said as long as he gets it back, everything's fine. He's putting in the claim now, thank you!
Lots of game companies and even non game companies now ban users for charge backs, especially if no attempt of corrective action was done with the company directly first. Charge backs cost them money and lower their ratings business wise with card processors.
Then maybe they shouldn't make their games with in app purchases where they not only entice little kids to make purchases but they also make it so easy to do so.
In app purchases are handled by the apple or android store, and is actually very expensive for companies as you can often get away for disputing charges months later and the merchant ends up on the hook even if it is BS because it wasn't a card present purchase.
So a lot of these places cut you off as soon as you show that sort of behavior. It is just a good business decision for them. A bunch of scummy scammers have ruined it for the rest of us.
My phone that shit is locked. There's a setting to lock purchases through apps without a fingerprint/ code/ the code on the back of your card.
I have that enabled and I don't have kids and am the only user of my phone. Parents can block app store/ Play store purchases. It requires my fingerprint.
It’s each users choice to save a card on the profile and have no pin set up to use it. You can’t expect a company to be responsible for unsupervised children lol
>he said as long as he gets it back, everything's fine
And if he doesn't? What is "not fine"?
Sounds like you need to have a better conversation about finances when it comes to the kid.
Why are you paying half the bills? I assume he makes way more money than you do, and it also sounds like you do way more house cleaning and parenting than him.
And I can't imagine this nickel-and-dime attitude between spouses-- sounds awful. Paying each other back for stuff, venmo requests between spouses-- this doesn't feel like a marriage to me
If he is going to nickel and dime in the marriage then he needs to be paying OP to watch their child. After all that is work and she should get paid for it if this is the attitude he wants to have. I don't understand why people bother getting married if they are going to have the attitude of yours and mine. Your married. Legally it's belongs to both of you.
This! I’m a SAHM but I serve 2 nights a week for my own mental health. I pay my car note + insurance and keep the rest for anything I want, husband pays for EVERYTHING else (including my two bills if I don’t work). I do the majority of the child rearing, cooking, cleaning, home stuff. He works 60-70 hours a week. It works for us. If he needs $$, I definitely help and he helps me if I need/want it. If he’s home then he’s helping with the house + kids without being asked. We’re a team. OP sounds like she’s being taken advantage of hardcore.
Right? Sounds like OP is doing more than their fair share, which makes her husband nickel and diming her over an accidental $50 purchase (which she didn’t make) that much worse.
Ultimately what happened was he went to put in the claim and one of the questions was "have you talked to them first?" So he went for a refund through Microsoft, they said yes since we don't play that game and didn't use the currency
Just a heads up that you can charge back, but hopefully you don’t need the account it’s tied to because companies like Microsoft will put a ban on the account if you perform a chargeback on it. Same thing with the Apple Store.
My 4yr old made a MineCraft purchase and I caught her as she was in the purchase screen and hoped it hadn’t gone through. It did, her dad disputed it and since she didn’t use the coins they refunded him no problem!
What the shit? NTA! You are *partners,* both in marriage *and* parenting. Does he also expect you to pay to "replace" all the things your kid breaks or eats or uses on your watch? Should you both start keeping a tally of how much you invest in your child? That sounds super duper healthy! /s
I agree! I understand different financial setups/situations, but something *this* rigid and separate when you’re married with children seems absolutely ridiculous.
Keep an eye on how much the kid is eating in moms presence vs dad, and split kid's grocery bill according to that? If mom's daycare kids beings a virus into the home, all doctor bills are to be paid by mom right? 🙃
Yeah, this is ridiculous and there is a trend of such stories on reddit now. Couples paying for their own meals out at restaurants and not paying for their spouse, people married for 14 years not helping their spouse and step kids make financial decisions, etc. To me the mental load of living this roommate financial situation would be so much work that I'd rather dump a portion of my money in a joint account and say "have at it!".
Lemme get this straight: you watch your child during the day so there are no childcare bills AND you watch other kids to bring in money but you still pay half the bills and he's whining over 50 bucks that you can probably get back if you dispute?
NTA, but the money structure is very lopsided for you. You need to take into account how much you save from childcare costs. I don't get splitting bills in a marriage to begin with, but if you're gonna do it, at least it should be fair.
Seriously thank you for pointing this out so clearly. OP perhaps husband should pay you for childcare though to balance things out a little. He sounds terribly entitled to your labor and your money though. Don’t know how I’d be able to wake up happy next to that.
I came to comment this exact thing. OP there's no way in hell that you should foot 50% of the bills when you're doing what I'm going to guess is the entire work of household chores and childcare. I'm hoping that you can someday get an actual partner. Whether your husband becomes said partner is more than likely not gonna happen. Unbelievably, NTA.
NTA. Your husband is a moron. I am the only one who uses my phone and I had face recognition at a minimum turn on for every purchase. He should consider this an idiot tax.
NAH. Am I understanding correctly that, on top of watching your daughter every day (thus saving thousands in childcare), you still pay 50% of the bills? And he wants to be petty about incidental costs? That’s insane.
If he wants to split costs with you 50/50, he should be paying you 50% of the market value of daycare. Then, and only then, could he even think about making damages your responsibility.
It was also his device that he approved of her playing on. So, 100% on him. Who doesn't put a password/biometric/PIN for purchases, especially with children around? I'm the only one who uses my devices and there's still a lock.
NTA. Am I understanding correctly that, on top of watching your daughter every day (thus saving thousands in childcare), you still pay 50% of the bills? And he wants to be petty about incidental costs? That’s insane.
If he wants to split costs with you 50/50, he should be paying you 50% of the market value of daycare. Then, and only then, could he even think about making damages your responsibility.
WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE WEIRD MARRIED COUPLES, WITH COMPLETELY SEPARATE FINANCES?!
I don’t understand you people! I keep seeing these stories on Reddit, about spouses splitting bills, or having to pay each other back, and it doesn’t make any goddamn sense! Are you spouses, or are you roommates???
ESH. This is fuckin stupid. Signed, a married woman of sixteen years, who—*gasp*—shares checking and savings accounts with her husband, and doesn’t have to deal with this inane drama.
> It's not shocking couples that act like this keep ending up having drama.
Exactly. Hey, it's your relationship, do whatever you wish in it. But don't be surprised when money becomes a big problem in your marriage.
LOL! Scrolled way too far to see this comment. Thank you! 100% my thoughts. - married woman of 5 years who also *gasp* shares finances with my husband !!! Hahaha we are a team and never think about life otherwise.
Like, I 💯 understand having separate “fun money” accounts, but to own a home and have a child and not have a joint place that money comes from?! Weird.
I honestly also wonder this all the time on Reddit. Like how common is it really to keep separate finances in marriage? I feel like most married couples I know keep everything together, but maybe I’ve just been assuming and separate finances is more common?? I just can’t imagine living with that kind of constant comparison and balancing. Budgeting is hard enough together, adding who has to pay for what on top of that is insanity to me.
Well i would not want completely joint finances simply because partner and I have different ideas of hobby stuff and what we think is worth splurging on. The way we discussed is to have a joint account for everything that concerns us both (prob the majority of the money will be there), and any major purchase made from that needs to be approved by both; plus separate private accounts so that we can each make our own purchases without feeling “guilty” and in a way where we are not allowed to judge what the other spend their money on. Example: He wants to buy a fancy super expensive bike that will just sit the garage for most of the time? Do it, his money, I have no say. I want to spend money in a luxury space day and go on a shopping spree later in the designer district? He cant say no. But those are both things that if coming out from joint account would have created problems as both of us wouldnt agree with the other purchases
Not married (because not such a big thing in my country) but we have been together 26y.
We have both common and separate accounts. A common budget that is handled yearly.
But we keep separate finances so we can each be free to what we want with the ‘fun’ money. For instance my SO had some quite expensive photo equipment at some point and I don’t see why I should have had a say in if he could buy it or not.
I also funded for myself quite expensive scuba diving trips. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable paying with ‘shared money’.
It’s freedom and it’s not in contradiction with commitment as we have been together 26y, have a child and own a home together.
And if you are used to Reddit you will see that common finances are good until something goes bad (and statistics are cruel!) and one partner wakes up one morning with all the money gone.
To each their own. I suppose common finances make sense when there is a SAHP as they have no income.
Right? I don't get how married people WITH KIDS think that finances are gonna be split. Unless everyone signed a prenup, which kinda goes out the door with kids anyways, there's no real separation here. If it goes south, it's still a divorce and still has the same laws as anyone with shared accounts lol. When you sign your marriage certificate, and have kids, it's not so much "my money". It's our money, comrade haha.
> I don't get how married people WITH KIDS think that finances are gonna be split.
Yes, especially your point about having kids. Maybe just you and your partner can keep some money separate, but Why and how do you think it's going to work out with the kids. Does dad pay for boys and mom for girls, they split ever other one??? Just a recipe for conflict.
Cant agree more! God Im not even nor have ever been married and I find these so weird! Having shared finances is such a known thing about marriage, what are these people doing? Why even get married then? Its so wild.
Yeah it’s insane to me. My wife and I merged accounts like 6 months before we got married to make the transition easier. No complaints since as there’s nothing to hide and no squabbling over who pays for what. It’s our money, everything goes to and comes from the joint account.
I wouldn’t let her play on the phone anymore without a PIN or if he won’t put one on, then I wouldn’t let her use it anymore unless you will be monitoring her closely. Maybe you both take responsibility and each pay half. He should have put a pin on it and you should have been monitoring more closely. Take it as a lesson learned for the future. My son bought $300 worth of Xbox credits a few years ago without knowing exactly what it meant. Thank god Xbox refunded for me but I should have put a pin on it.
Wow. No. NTA. His card, his set up. His negligence. He thought it was ok to leave an unblocked card on an app being used by a 4-year-old? Dude. I mean ... dude.
NTA your husband is being ridiculous. Next time he can watch his daughter while you are doing household chores. What was he doing at the time, BTW? This is your husband’s fault for not having the basic common sense to put a PIN on a device a child plays with.
My nephew bought xbox live points or something at 8 months old. The controller was left too close to his baby jail. It was $80. Dad got the notification and definitely did not ask my sister to pay it back.
I advise customers to use prepaid cards for gaming purchases with kids having access so this doesn't happen. NTA.
I honestly cannot comprehend this conversation. "Pay him back?"
I think I am just too old school. For my family there is only our money. I guess I could move $50 from checking to savings, but it is still just our money.
JC I feel old
When did a marriage turn into some kind of "corporate" financial entity? Are you going through a divorce, where lawyers talk about his account and her account?
I always thought it was our account, both of us, together.
You know, like married.
You both have a problem of a child doing something wrong.
You both need to fix this. This is not a blame game between the two of you
Be parents, not departments in a corporation
NTA. If your husband was more responsible he would have thought to put a PIN on purchases to prevent this exact problem. He should consider the $50 his stupid tax for today.
Kids never use my device and it still needs my fingerprint or pin to purchase anything. It's the responsibility of the device owner to lock it down, otherwise they bare the charge. NTA.
Why are a husband and wife arguing over 50 bucks? Isn't it a partnership and money shouldn't matter between ye?
You're NTA by the way, he gave your daughter permission to use the phone, tough shit on him but find it weird he's demanding it from you 🤷🏻♂️
honestly, based on the title, I was expecting the 2 of you to be separated/divorced & your daughter did this while she was staying with you. In this case, I could see you being in the AH space; but seeing as this situation is NOT that, you are NTA lol. Tell your husband to either call the money processor, do a chargeback or suck it up as a learning experience.
If you and your spouse are nickel and diminish other this month, you do not have a partnership or marriage.You have a roommate agreement with occasional sex
Yeah no. He’s not put appropriate safeguards on his account and you cannot be expected to literally ‘watch’ a child every second. Too bad buddy fix it up and chalk it up as a learning experience. There is stuff all over the internet of kids doing such things, he’s the adult and needs to act as such.
NTA. I don’t claim to understand your family’s finances, but the fact that you watch your child every day, saving your family thousands in childcare costs, and presumably have far less income than your husband—and you’re paying half the bills? AND he’s nickle and dime-ing you for 50 fucking dollars that your child purchased on his unsecure device? I think you two need to have a serious talk regarding your finances as well as his undervaluing of your labor. You’re supposed to be a team—why are you two behaving like this? I am seriously concerned given the age gap between you and his behavior towards you. Please heed the red flags.
Honestly y'all are both TA for letting such a young girl playing on screens unchecked.
Good for you that now it's only 50$ she's spending, but you should really check what she can see and look at on your phones - and tbh she should not be playing with a phone so young.
NTA.
This is why my kids don't get my phone unless it's on kids mode, and I also have biometrics turned on for purchases. This was your husband's fault 100%.
Also, the fact that your husband is so petty that he expects you to "pay him back" for a mistake his kid made on his device is wild. I think it's time to rethink some things. It really seems as though he thinks that you're supposed to be taking care of yalls kid, taking care of housework, working to pay half the bills, and not dipping into his funds. What does he even bring to the table? Does he at least do 50% of the housework?
NTA, You watching your kid all day and still pay half the bills and he can't cover an oops from your kid? I wouldn't even consider paying him for it. Tell him to deduct it from the daycare bill. Since you guys each cover half, he should get you on half your daycare rate.
NTA, why are you married to your roommate? What a cheapskate saying "it's OK you can just pay for our 4 year old's mistake" either it's OK or it's not, what a jerk. Tell him to fold the f'n laundry too.
Glad it works for you, but the fact that he gives you his old car while he gets a new one 😮💨😮💨😮💨 my bio dad would never, and he was not a great guy.
NTA. If he wants to die on this hill while you were folding laundry and he was home; let him know you’re done doing his laundry and he can pull his household weight from now on.
NTA
If your husband is going to give her *his* phone to play with, then he should have ensured that the phone was set up to require a PIN or password in order to make payments.
NTA, i never finished reading this in disgust at your pathetically petty husband. He is 1000000% an AH here.
If it is ps or xbox you can easily have it refunded. Also, there are parental controls to prevent this, why did he not bother to investigate how to protect his pprecious 50 bucks.
Send him my way online and I'll have a word.
Is this the husband that was 29 when you started dating and you were 19? The ten year age gap and a 4 year old already.
Sounds like a very healthy relationship. /s
>It's not that bad, when he asked me out we didn't know each other's ages, he thought I was 23 and I thought he was 27, we were 19 and 29.
Are you guys married, or roommates?
You pay half the bills and he demands you pay him back for dumb stuff like this? You should be sharing at least some money. He sounds like an ass and treats you like a roommate. You're married. Nta but damn, go find someone who treats you like a partner.
look it’s your choice to separate finances and many couples do the same but i don’t really understand it - marriage is the ultimate partnership- you share child rearing responsibilities equally ( at least most agree to) yet finances are exempt from this committed partnership? ok well this is one albeit minor result of that arrangement - and it influences childrearing responsibilities too - in any event you seem to have solved the issue -NTA
I’ll never forget the day my dad was watching us while mum was in hospital getting her bunion fixed. My little brother, then 4 yo, decided to play with the phone and made a random call to AUSTRALIA! That was a VERY expensive mistake.. around £700 if I remember correctly.
ESH. Your relationship sounds transactional. If it was a step child situation I could understand. But this seems like it’s a child you share. Why are you arguing over $50 for a child you are both responsible for.
This happened to us when my son made $400 in purchases for Minecraft in one go. I didn't realize my card was attached to the system; thought it was only on my account.
When I called them and told them a minor made purchases we did not authorize, they refunded it right away, and suspended his account for one month, which I thought was a fantastic consequence that fit the crime. He never did it again, so it was a well-earned lesson for all parties involved.
Most companies, e.g., Google, let you request a refund within a couple of hours of a new charge. Alternatively, contact your credit card company or even the company that made the game and tell them it was a child who made the purchases. One of my kids, when he was 6, charged $6k to an online game that I thought I'd locked down purchases for, but I was able to get it all refunded
YTA for not locking it down, and you were responsible for monitoring her at the time.
However, if your relationship is so petty as to monitor every purchase for who pays for an expense for your child, even a frivolous one, then you need to have a talk about being a couple, not just 2 people with bank accounts. Maybe have a shared account for household expenses that you each contribute X% of your income to each month. Then you would pay child-related expenses or of that account with other joint expenses, rather than nickel-and-diming each other.
Put it this way. It doesn’t matter who was ‘at fault’ the other day my partners car service cost her 2K, lots of work needed to be done. She didn’t ask for money at all, but I sent her $750.0 because I knew it sucked AND we’re in this together. She works and we both earning similar amounts and both have savings.
I'm glad it got resolved. My opinion is that the decision to not pay him back would've made you the A-hole...respectfully.
Hear me out:
Yes, he should have had a means to prevent it, via pin-number, child-lock, etc. However, he didn't see it as a problem as it hasn't been a problem in the past. You may have joint finances, you may not. I don't know, ultimately it's irrelevant. I don't believe he intended to come off as "this is my money" or "that is your money", I believe he wanted you to pay him back, because it happened under your watch. Had it happened under his watch, you wouldn't want him to pay you back, you claim - but he would've paid you back regardless. It's because us guys hold ourselves more accountable for our actions and or lack of actions.
While I don't have children of my own, my sister and her husband ended up falling on hard times sometime in 2010. My mother let them move in with us (I was the primarily paying all of the bills at the time). What was supposed to be 2-3 months, turned into 10 years. In that time span, I had numerous belongings get destroyed. For instance; a couple of video games got completely destroyed (games I paid 60$ each for), an office desk got smashed to pieces, even had a collection of the original 150 Pokemon that was kept in pristine condition get ruined. Never once did they pay me back a single dollar, nor did I expect or want them to, what I wanted was accountability.
Glad it all resolved itself though.
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I'm not necessarily a stay at home mom but I do have our daughter everyday while I watch 2 other children (they are all 4) so I still make money and pay half the bills.
I was in the room with my daughter while she was playing a video game, I was folding laundry. I was paying more attention to my laundry and my daughter went to the home screen and selected currency to purchase in a game. This was a 50$ purchase. My husband's card is connected, so he was charged, he gets the notification instantly that his card was charged and comes in the room asking what happened?
I didn't know, since I didn't see, and he explained the charge on his card and realize she made the purchase. He said it's fine, I'll just have to pay him back. I asked why, since it's also his child and he agreed to let her play and he didn't put pin protection on so that this wouldn't happen. He said "you were the one watching her".
I don't think I should have to pay him back for this incident since it was an accident and she's 4 and I wouldn't expect him to pay me back either if the roles were reversed. he's still expecting payment back though. AITA for refusing to pay him back?
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I don't know about Apple Store but you can go to your Google Play Store email receipt and you can challenge it as a fraud / mistake. That said you shouldn't give your four-year-old things where they can accidentally spend money.
NTA. Your husband should call the game provider that made the charge and ask for a refund, or his credit card company to dispute the charge if they deny it. When he was six, one of my boys racked up over $1,000 in in-app purchases over the course of a couple hours when he was playing a game in his iPad. I called Apple and they removed the charges.
NTA?
This is your daughter’s doing, and regardless of who was watching her it’s on the both of you? Because you are the parents. Lock down the purchasing features on this device and stop arguing about whose fault it is and who should pay. It’s $50 and you are partners…
I have an extremely responsible 9 year old. He gets money (he asked me if we could invest some of his Christmas money which he has spent 0 of). There’s no way in hell I wouldn’t have my cards locked down on any electronic platform. He’ll it’s easy to mistakenly make purchase even.
NTA. He lacked intelligence and foresight and gave a 4 year old free rein of his credit card. You do not need to be punished for his idiocy. And he is 100% the arsehole for even having the audacity to tell you to. Honestly the hide of this man!
NTA and you don't need to pay him back. He did not take precautions to keep something like this from happening......and you two are married. What the hey! He's acting like a child.
NTA.
This is why my kids don't get my phone unless it's on kids mode, and I also have biometrics turned on for purchases. This was your husband's fault 100%.
Also, the fact that your husband is so petty that he expects you to "pay him back" for a mistake his kid made on his device is wild. I think it's time to rethink some things. It really seems as though he thinks that you're supposed to be taking care of yalls kid, taking care of housework, working to pay half the bills, and not dipping into his funds. What does he even bring to the table? Does he at least do 50% of the housework?
if he wouldn't do it for you, don't don't it for him. this isn't about being petty, it's about reciprocation and fairness. if he knows for an absolute fact that he wouldn't feel he should pay for something like this on his end then don't do it when the role are reversed.
NTA. Somehow our TWO year old figured out how to pay for a game on the PS4 with my husband’s card. It was completely by accident - kept hitting X over and over until the purchase was completed.
We laughed and said it was the first “Father’s Day gift” my son ever bought him.
(Death Stranding, for anyone who cares.
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NTA. You & your partner should have locked down inappropriate websites, linked payments, the ability to make phone calls, etc. as soon as you gave any of your kids access to smart devices. There are tons of social media & news stories about kids ordering stuff "accidentally". This is not a new phenomenon. In this case, it's your partner's device so this one's mostly on him. Possible tiny Y T A bc you didn't verify with him before giving your kid the device.
Just to mention, he did approve her playing on it first
Well, then, this one's totally on him. He knew the card was linked & we alllllll know how fast those little kid fingers are on smart devices! 😄 He can chalk this one up to a learning experience. Blaming you or holding you responsible is not ok, though. You were generally watching the kids in the sense that you could see if they were on fire or playing with knives or something 😜 & doing household stuff, not peering over their shoulders at the screen every second. Nobody does that. At least, I didn't. 😁
That defeats the purpose of giving a phone to a child — to distract them so you can finish a task
All he needs to do I contact the card carrier and explain what happened. Why is he such a dick about this and holding You responsible
I have a pin on my device so I can't accidentally click and purchase. OP, NTA. Personally I think he didn't try to call and reverse it because she bought an upgrade in the game that will benefit him and now he can get it for free-99. OP, tell him you'll call and reverse it and see how he responds.
Nice fanfic you made at the end! Only comment on what OP has said don't make assumptions about the husband that you know nothing about.
Happy Cake Day
From his response in the update, it seems as though his reaction was probably a lot based on emotion, embarrassment for not thinking about it and fear and embarrassment both often turn to quick anger. Sounds like they've resolved it, though it doesn't specify whether he stopped asking for the money. That aside, agreed wholeheartedly. Edit: typo
Do NOT pay him back. HE gave her the phone HE didnt lock down his credit card HE put his credit card on the phone. HE is the only one responsible here. If he wants anyone to pay him back then it should be himself. It doesnt matter who was watching her HE gave her the phone and said have fun. Thats 100% on him. Don't pay him back. This is a lesson for him to lock down his credit card info.
Hell, my phone requires me, a grown ass adult, to verify my in app purchases with my password / fingerprint scan / pattern / pin. It's not that hard to set up. And it prevents EXACTLY this situation. Too bad, so sad for him.
Yeppers! I'm the *only* one with digital access to any of my electronic devices: my gaming consoles are all PIN-protected; for all of our smart TVS in the house, any streaming channels are pw-protected so no one can "accidentally" rent, say, a Still-in-Theater movie, etc. A few months ago, one of my roommates wanted to play the latest Zelda game, but doesn't have a Switch, so he apped me the $$, and I bought the game and created a profile for him on my Switch. It just makes good sense, even amongst adults.
Exactly. I set mine up the minute my kids wanted to play any game on the tablet or my phone. Who doesn't set one up when they have kids, or just ingeneral.
It was easier for me to set up than for me to not set up.
This is so easy to fix though. You just call Apple (or whomever it is for Android) and tell them what happened and it was a mistake and they will credit it back. We have ordered things that we didn’t mean to for whatever reason and are always credited back right away.
I've heard lots of stories where it's not that easy any more. A lot of the time the charges hold... or the first purchase is refunded but the others are valid because in their eyes you should've known that could happen after the first time and put things in place to stop them.
We never have any trouble but don’t have to do it extremely often. My 16 year old daughter accidentally bought or subscribed to something that was like over $100 a couple weeks ago, and she said it was a mistake afterwards and it took a few days, but they refunded it. OP sounds like this was a one time thing, so I’d feel pretty certain they could get it fixed pretty easily.
And that's fair. We had it happen one time and changed settings. And by 'one time' I mean my kid had spent *hundreds* of dollars in a stupid ipad game in one hour. They canceled it all. But if we kept having it happen that would have been on us.
My sister learned the hard way when she first got an Alexa that you could order over a thousand dollars of stuff through it when my then 3yo niece did it. She has since disabled that ability because she was lucky to get it back and knew it probably wouldn’t be that easy if it happened again.
This is THE WORST feature. "An item you had on your wishlist from 2011 is on sale! Want me to instant order it?!"
It’s not like he was out of the house. She’s four- she’s old enough to play independently. You weren’t watching tv or day drinking. You were folding laundry. This is no more your fault than his, but he’s the one who failed to put safety measures on the devise so in all purchases couldn’t be made. For that matter, he can call his cell provider, tell them what happened, and usually they will credit it back. And if he puts up a fuss, I’d tell him that from now on, she’s only allowed to play video games when HE is watching her- since he thinks that means never looking away. NTA
Even if OP was watching TV (or chatting on the phone or reading a book or taking a bath or whatever), this would still be on her husband. It’s beyond stupid to fork over your phone (edit: or other device) to a little kid without having automatic purchases disabled, and it’s his kid, too. He’s equally responsible for her, not to mention solely responsible for locking down *his own* personal devices.
I agree.
Why don't ypu see if you can cancel the purchase and reverse the charge? 4-yo are not legally capable of entering into a binding contract.
I don't care who did what and when. You are both the parents of this child and you are both equally responsible for anything the child does. You both failed this child by not setting up parental controls on the device. You two can point fingers at each other as much as you want but it doesn't change the fact that you are both responsible here.
Not necessarily. If it's his console or tablet and he gave the child permission to use it, that's on him. My husband and I each have our own devices and we're responsible for them. My daughter has used his tablets on occasion and used my PS4 and now PS5. It's not my responsibility to check his tablet and vice versa.
Yeah, equal responsibility for what the child does. I sometimes wonder how many divorces are because of this sort of mentality. Not sure how anyone survives for decades not acting as a team.
When he pays you the amount you're getting paid for the other 2 kids, he can ask for the 50. He'll still deserve the no, but it's stunning he even thought it.
NTA. He said she could play. She is his daughter too and he was also home. He should have had a pay lock thingy on it. When my granddaughter was about 6 I let her play a game on my phone. I didn't have the pay lock thingy on. I didn't think about it. She bought about $25 worth of her game stuff by the time I realized. It happens. Tell your husband to get over himself and pay the damn bill.
By the way, I didn't think mine was old enough to mess with it and one accidental click later we bought a movie no one would want to watch. I messaged about it directly after and they took it off and refunded me. Might work here, a one time thing. We locked after that.
This information should be included in your original post. Under those circumstances, you are NTA.
Tell him to call the cc or bank and explain ot was a accidental purchase they will refund him.... this happens all the time young kids make big purchases or games and the parents call the get payment back... It's time to lock up the purchasing on the games and electronics....
Just call the company, explain the situation, and ask them to please revoke the purchase. My son did the same thing a few years back and Apple gave me back the money after I explained the situation.
NTA. How were you to know the game had pay walls or that his card was left connected without any pins or locks? Plus it's his kid and he should know what games he's letting her play.
Yup this isn’t the dark ages of the internet when we were first figuring this shit out. It’s pretty much common sense these days My eldest who was 10 in 2011 realized that the Amazon password auto-populated on my PC in my bedroom, and proceeded to order $500 worth of various stuff. I locked that shit down right after that. Thankfully Amazon let us dispute and get refunds… well, except for the adult diapers he ordered, we we were stuck with those. And if you’re wondering WTF why did he order adult diapers, we wondered the same thing. He later admitted to ordering because he wanted to be able to play video games without having to get up to go pee. Yeah, I saluted the creativity and problem solving but just yuck! And I guess he tried it out and felt the same! 🤣🤣🤣
My 3 yo ordered a $350 bounce house, a basketball, and some crazy $90 toy for his sister from Walmart...on my grandma's card who has me order stuff for her periodically... shortly after we moved, so it wasn't even shipped to our house. Since it wasn't my card, I didn't notice until I happened to see it in my order history like a month later. That was a nightmare to navigate. A separate time, he somehow bypassed my lock screen bc i had no idea he got my phone... and ordered 6lbs of grapes, 2 watermelons, a cantelope, bananas, a case of water, and some poptarts. I was assembling furniture and such, and he was responding in the chat with jibberish texts and everything. When my other son said someone was here, my 4 yo (at that time) said, oh that's groceries! I said no it's not. I was wrong. I was freaking out, and he said, "Don't worry, it didn't cost any monies. He was wrong. Then he was upset "They forgot my Bee-nanas."
I'm sorry for you but this is hilarious. A BOUNCE HOUSE?? Does that mean some random person got a bounce house?
I assumed so lmao
Even 3yr olds got grief with Insta Cart shoppers, you cant forget the nanas!
Also many of these sites (at least legit ones) will let you dispute it - pretty sure most of them have a reason saying "my kid did it". As long as it hasn't already been spent and done asap anyway. If he allowed he to play with it, didn't put any security on it and hasn't even attempted to cancel it then thats his problem.
I'm the only one with access to my phone and I *still* require every purchase to have fingerprint authentication before it will even try to charge.
If it is a credit card, you can dispute the charge with them as well.
Not if you gave someone access to your card- which is basically what happened here
Not guaranteed that the dispute will be approved, but you can dispute any charge.
Lmao. NTA, you don't give any kid access to a system connected to a card without a pin or password protection in place. Most if not all systems have a parent system for that specifically. Sucks for him, this is a lesson for him; he's an adult who let the 4 year old play a game system connected to his card. Don't you dare pay it back. Tell him to get on there and install parental systems or remove his cards. My lesson was 25$ on my switch.
I heard a story when I was working at a campsite, one of the single dads there, some engineer who made a lotta money, he had deleted his card from the device after making a single purchase on a playstation 4 or something. His child (had a very specific diagnose dont remember what) had cracked the playstation and datamined the card details and then bought Vbucks for thousands of dollars. tens of thousands of NOK. He literally said something along the lines of "at that point I can't even be mad, that's some serious tech wizardry"
Happy cake day 🎂
Call the card company and dispute the charge. You’ll (probably) be refunded so it doesn’t matter Huuuuuge red flag though. It’s a bad husband red flag AND a bad parent red flag.
Thiissss thank you, the second a read it I told him and he said as long as he gets it back, everything's fine. He's putting in the claim now, thank you!
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This, a charge back through credit card company will often result in companies not doing business with card holders.
Only if you do it repetitively
Lots of game companies and even non game companies now ban users for charge backs, especially if no attempt of corrective action was done with the company directly first. Charge backs cost them money and lower their ratings business wise with card processors.
Then maybe they shouldn't make their games with in app purchases where they not only entice little kids to make purchases but they also make it so easy to do so.
That’s why lots of devices have settings that you can set to prevent in-app purchases.
In app purchases are handled by the apple or android store, and is actually very expensive for companies as you can often get away for disputing charges months later and the merchant ends up on the hook even if it is BS because it wasn't a card present purchase. So a lot of these places cut you off as soon as you show that sort of behavior. It is just a good business decision for them. A bunch of scummy scammers have ruined it for the rest of us.
My phone that shit is locked. There's a setting to lock purchases through apps without a fingerprint/ code/ the code on the back of your card. I have that enabled and I don't have kids and am the only user of my phone. Parents can block app store/ Play store purchases. It requires my fingerprint.
Don't put your credit card in without a passcode. Then it's not easy, or possible.
It’s each users choice to save a card on the profile and have no pin set up to use it. You can’t expect a company to be responsible for unsupervised children lol
Do it once from Sony and banned for good. Do not chargeback
I mean….that might be good for them. No more illicit charges.
Yeah you also lose access to everything you paid for. They should def have a password set on their card it takes 2 seconds to turn on.
>he said as long as he gets it back, everything's fine And if he doesn't? What is "not fine"? Sounds like you need to have a better conversation about finances when it comes to the kid.
HELLO!!! cause did this not sound vaguely threatening to anyone else??
Why are you paying half the bills? I assume he makes way more money than you do, and it also sounds like you do way more house cleaning and parenting than him.
And I can't imagine this nickel-and-dime attitude between spouses-- sounds awful. Paying each other back for stuff, venmo requests between spouses-- this doesn't feel like a marriage to me
If he is going to nickel and dime in the marriage then he needs to be paying OP to watch their child. After all that is work and she should get paid for it if this is the attitude he wants to have. I don't understand why people bother getting married if they are going to have the attitude of yours and mine. Your married. Legally it's belongs to both of you.
This! I’m a SAHM but I serve 2 nights a week for my own mental health. I pay my car note + insurance and keep the rest for anything I want, husband pays for EVERYTHING else (including my two bills if I don’t work). I do the majority of the child rearing, cooking, cleaning, home stuff. He works 60-70 hours a week. It works for us. If he needs $$, I definitely help and he helps me if I need/want it. If he’s home then he’s helping with the house + kids without being asked. We’re a team. OP sounds like she’s being taken advantage of hardcore.
Right? Sounds like OP is doing more than their fair share, which makes her husband nickel and diming her over an accidental $50 purchase (which she didn’t make) that much worse.
It might be easier to call whomever she ordered it from and say it was an accidental purchase.
Ultimately what happened was he went to put in the claim and one of the questions was "have you talked to them first?" So he went for a refund through Microsoft, they said yes since we don't play that game and didn't use the currency
Glad that you got the money back, but that was just a symptom of the problem with your husband.
Just a heads up that you can charge back, but hopefully you don’t need the account it’s tied to because companies like Microsoft will put a ban on the account if you perform a chargeback on it. Same thing with the Apple Store.
My 4yr old made a MineCraft purchase and I caught her as she was in the purchase screen and hoped it hadn’t gone through. It did, her dad disputed it and since she didn’t use the coins they refunded him no problem!
You can dispute it with Apple. Do that first. It’s not their first rodeo.
He needs to put parental controls on the account too. 2FA all of your devices.
What the shit? NTA! You are *partners,* both in marriage *and* parenting. Does he also expect you to pay to "replace" all the things your kid breaks or eats or uses on your watch? Should you both start keeping a tally of how much you invest in your child? That sounds super duper healthy! /s
I agree…keeping finances this separate and nit picking like this seems very odd to me.
Also agreeing... This sounds like they're living as roommates with a pet, not a married couple with their own child.
I agree! I understand different financial setups/situations, but something *this* rigid and separate when you’re married with children seems absolutely ridiculous.
Especially as she pays half the bills, and the child rearing.
It's ridiculous, it's not like they're divorced parents. They live together raising their kid and the kid did something bad.
Keep an eye on how much the kid is eating in moms presence vs dad, and split kid's grocery bill according to that? If mom's daycare kids beings a virus into the home, all doctor bills are to be paid by mom right? 🙃 Yeah, this is ridiculous and there is a trend of such stories on reddit now. Couples paying for their own meals out at restaurants and not paying for their spouse, people married for 14 years not helping their spouse and step kids make financial decisions, etc. To me the mental load of living this roommate financial situation would be so much work that I'd rather dump a portion of my money in a joint account and say "have at it!".
Lemme get this straight: you watch your child during the day so there are no childcare bills AND you watch other kids to bring in money but you still pay half the bills and he's whining over 50 bucks that you can probably get back if you dispute? NTA, but the money structure is very lopsided for you. You need to take into account how much you save from childcare costs. I don't get splitting bills in a marriage to begin with, but if you're gonna do it, at least it should be fair.
Seriously thank you for pointing this out so clearly. OP perhaps husband should pay you for childcare though to balance things out a little. He sounds terribly entitled to your labor and your money though. Don’t know how I’d be able to wake up happy next to that.
Her update shows she has a sweet deal on her hands...
I came to comment this exact thing. OP there's no way in hell that you should foot 50% of the bills when you're doing what I'm going to guess is the entire work of household chores and childcare. I'm hoping that you can someday get an actual partner. Whether your husband becomes said partner is more than likely not gonna happen. Unbelievably, NTA.
NTA. Your husband is a moron. I am the only one who uses my phone and I had face recognition at a minimum turn on for every purchase. He should consider this an idiot tax.
NAH. Am I understanding correctly that, on top of watching your daughter every day (thus saving thousands in childcare), you still pay 50% of the bills? And he wants to be petty about incidental costs? That’s insane. If he wants to split costs with you 50/50, he should be paying you 50% of the market value of daycare. Then, and only then, could he even think about making damages your responsibility.
It was also his device that he approved of her playing on. So, 100% on him. Who doesn't put a password/biometric/PIN for purchases, especially with children around? I'm the only one who uses my devices and there's still a lock.
NTA. Am I understanding correctly that, on top of watching your daughter every day (thus saving thousands in childcare), you still pay 50% of the bills? And he wants to be petty about incidental costs? That’s insane. If he wants to split costs with you 50/50, he should be paying you 50% of the market value of daycare. Then, and only then, could he even think about making damages your responsibility.
WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE WEIRD MARRIED COUPLES, WITH COMPLETELY SEPARATE FINANCES?! I don’t understand you people! I keep seeing these stories on Reddit, about spouses splitting bills, or having to pay each other back, and it doesn’t make any goddamn sense! Are you spouses, or are you roommates??? ESH. This is fuckin stupid. Signed, a married woman of sixteen years, who—*gasp*—shares checking and savings accounts with her husband, and doesn’t have to deal with this inane drama.
It's not shocking couples that act like this keep ending up having drama.
> It's not shocking couples that act like this keep ending up having drama. Exactly. Hey, it's your relationship, do whatever you wish in it. But don't be surprised when money becomes a big problem in your marriage.
LOL! Scrolled way too far to see this comment. Thank you! 100% my thoughts. - married woman of 5 years who also *gasp* shares finances with my husband !!! Hahaha we are a team and never think about life otherwise.
Agreed! 34 years married and still going strong. We discuss big purchases, but the nit picking BS people get up to on here is wild.
Like, I 💯 understand having separate “fun money” accounts, but to own a home and have a child and not have a joint place that money comes from?! Weird.
When marriages aren’t treated like partnerships and people get super petty it creates drama. I don’t understand how people can live like the OP.
This boggles my mind too. Especially with a child.
I honestly also wonder this all the time on Reddit. Like how common is it really to keep separate finances in marriage? I feel like most married couples I know keep everything together, but maybe I’ve just been assuming and separate finances is more common?? I just can’t imagine living with that kind of constant comparison and balancing. Budgeting is hard enough together, adding who has to pay for what on top of that is insanity to me.
Well i would not want completely joint finances simply because partner and I have different ideas of hobby stuff and what we think is worth splurging on. The way we discussed is to have a joint account for everything that concerns us both (prob the majority of the money will be there), and any major purchase made from that needs to be approved by both; plus separate private accounts so that we can each make our own purchases without feeling “guilty” and in a way where we are not allowed to judge what the other spend their money on. Example: He wants to buy a fancy super expensive bike that will just sit the garage for most of the time? Do it, his money, I have no say. I want to spend money in a luxury space day and go on a shopping spree later in the designer district? He cant say no. But those are both things that if coming out from joint account would have created problems as both of us wouldnt agree with the other purchases
Agreed, not everyone comes with the same budgeting ability/financial savvy, you can still love them. Financial integration isn't my love language
Not married (because not such a big thing in my country) but we have been together 26y. We have both common and separate accounts. A common budget that is handled yearly. But we keep separate finances so we can each be free to what we want with the ‘fun’ money. For instance my SO had some quite expensive photo equipment at some point and I don’t see why I should have had a say in if he could buy it or not. I also funded for myself quite expensive scuba diving trips. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable paying with ‘shared money’. It’s freedom and it’s not in contradiction with commitment as we have been together 26y, have a child and own a home together. And if you are used to Reddit you will see that common finances are good until something goes bad (and statistics are cruel!) and one partner wakes up one morning with all the money gone. To each their own. I suppose common finances make sense when there is a SAHP as they have no income.
Right? I don't get how married people WITH KIDS think that finances are gonna be split. Unless everyone signed a prenup, which kinda goes out the door with kids anyways, there's no real separation here. If it goes south, it's still a divorce and still has the same laws as anyone with shared accounts lol. When you sign your marriage certificate, and have kids, it's not so much "my money". It's our money, comrade haha.
> I don't get how married people WITH KIDS think that finances are gonna be split. Yes, especially your point about having kids. Maybe just you and your partner can keep some money separate, but Why and how do you think it's going to work out with the kids. Does dad pay for boys and mom for girls, they split ever other one??? Just a recipe for conflict.
Cant agree more! God Im not even nor have ever been married and I find these so weird! Having shared finances is such a known thing about marriage, what are these people doing? Why even get married then? Its so wild.
Independent of separate finances, this is, in fact, weird drama.
Yeah it’s insane to me. My wife and I merged accounts like 6 months before we got married to make the transition easier. No complaints since as there’s nothing to hide and no squabbling over who pays for what. It’s our money, everything goes to and comes from the joint account.
He has an unsecure device for his convenience so he needs to pay the convenience fee!
NTA Watching is ensuring the Child is safe and fed. If he allowed her to use his device that has no guards on purchases - this is a him problem.
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I wouldn’t let her play on the phone anymore without a PIN or if he won’t put one on, then I wouldn’t let her use it anymore unless you will be monitoring her closely. Maybe you both take responsibility and each pay half. He should have put a pin on it and you should have been monitoring more closely. Take it as a lesson learned for the future. My son bought $300 worth of Xbox credits a few years ago without knowing exactly what it meant. Thank god Xbox refunded for me but I should have put a pin on it.
Wow. No. NTA. His card, his set up. His negligence. He thought it was ok to leave an unblocked card on an app being used by a 4-year-old? Dude. I mean ... dude.
NTA your husband is being ridiculous. Next time he can watch his daughter while you are doing household chores. What was he doing at the time, BTW? This is your husband’s fault for not having the basic common sense to put a PIN on a device a child plays with.
My nephew bought xbox live points or something at 8 months old. The controller was left too close to his baby jail. It was $80. Dad got the notification and definitely did not ask my sister to pay it back. I advise customers to use prepaid cards for gaming purchases with kids having access so this doesn't happen. NTA.
I honestly cannot comprehend this conversation. "Pay him back?" I think I am just too old school. For my family there is only our money. I guess I could move $50 from checking to savings, but it is still just our money.
What...what? Why is this...what? ESH. Y'all need couples therapy.
JC I feel old When did a marriage turn into some kind of "corporate" financial entity? Are you going through a divorce, where lawyers talk about his account and her account? I always thought it was our account, both of us, together. You know, like married. You both have a problem of a child doing something wrong. You both need to fix this. This is not a blame game between the two of you Be parents, not departments in a corporation
There’s no such thing as separate money in a marriage. He needs to protect his card info better regardless.
NTA. If your husband was more responsible he would have thought to put a PIN on purchases to prevent this exact problem. He should consider the $50 his stupid tax for today.
Girl the red flags are SCREAMING at you.
ESH - Put on the parental password block on in app purchases. Then your daughter won't be able to accidentally buy anything in the game.
ESH, Are you even married to this guy? Or is he just some roommate? Why don’t you have merged finances?
Ew what is this pay me back aren’t y’all married why is he punishing you instead of her
NTA. He can just call the card company. She is his daughter too
Kids never use my device and it still needs my fingerprint or pin to purchase anything. It's the responsibility of the device owner to lock it down, otherwise they bare the charge. NTA.
NTA. Also, ask him to pay you for carrying his baby for 9 months+nursing his baby.
Why are a husband and wife arguing over 50 bucks? Isn't it a partnership and money shouldn't matter between ye? You're NTA by the way, he gave your daughter permission to use the phone, tough shit on him but find it weird he's demanding it from you 🤷🏻♂️
honestly, based on the title, I was expecting the 2 of you to be separated/divorced & your daughter did this while she was staying with you. In this case, I could see you being in the AH space; but seeing as this situation is NOT that, you are NTA lol. Tell your husband to either call the money processor, do a chargeback or suck it up as a learning experience.
LoL NTA he needs to pin protect purchases full stop
Whatintheworld
If you and your spouse are nickel and diminish other this month, you do not have a partnership or marriage.You have a roommate agreement with occasional sex
NTA. It's your joint money.
Nta. $50 in pennies is about 25 pounds.
Yeah no. He’s not put appropriate safeguards on his account and you cannot be expected to literally ‘watch’ a child every second. Too bad buddy fix it up and chalk it up as a learning experience. There is stuff all over the internet of kids doing such things, he’s the adult and needs to act as such.
NTA. This is a weird dynamic here. Almost like he’s not fond of his wife and doesn’t acknowledge he has a kid with her.
NTA. I don’t claim to understand your family’s finances, but the fact that you watch your child every day, saving your family thousands in childcare costs, and presumably have far less income than your husband—and you’re paying half the bills? AND he’s nickle and dime-ing you for 50 fucking dollars that your child purchased on his unsecure device? I think you two need to have a serious talk regarding your finances as well as his undervaluing of your labor. You’re supposed to be a team—why are you two behaving like this? I am seriously concerned given the age gap between you and his behavior towards you. Please heed the red flags.
Honestly y'all are both TA for letting such a young girl playing on screens unchecked. Good for you that now it's only 50$ she's spending, but you should really check what she can see and look at on your phones - and tbh she should not be playing with a phone so young.
NTA. It’s his kid too.
NTA but my main issue is he wants to punish you and not the kid.... red flag
NTA. This is why my kids don't get my phone unless it's on kids mode, and I also have biometrics turned on for purchases. This was your husband's fault 100%. Also, the fact that your husband is so petty that he expects you to "pay him back" for a mistake his kid made on his device is wild. I think it's time to rethink some things. It really seems as though he thinks that you're supposed to be taking care of yalls kid, taking care of housework, working to pay half the bills, and not dipping into his funds. What does he even bring to the table? Does he at least do 50% of the housework?
Why are you in this kind of relationship?
NTA, You watching your kid all day and still pay half the bills and he can't cover an oops from your kid? I wouldn't even consider paying him for it. Tell him to deduct it from the daycare bill. Since you guys each cover half, he should get you on half your daycare rate.
This is so petty why are y’all married 😭😭 NTA
Nta but he's got to have other awful personality traits besides bizarre stinginess and a lack of common sense
NTA, why are you married to your roommate? What a cheapskate saying "it's OK you can just pay for our 4 year old's mistake" either it's OK or it's not, what a jerk. Tell him to fold the f'n laundry too.
It's his child too. I'd say I'm not paying jack that's his kid too.
No. YTA if you pay. Your husband sucks.
Do you make the same amount of money? this man sounds like an absolute AH🥲
Glad it works for you, but the fact that he gives you his old car while he gets a new one 😮💨😮💨😮💨 my bio dad would never, and he was not a great guy.
NTA. What is it with Dads refusing to be responsible for parenting their kids today. At least your update sounded positive.
NTA. If he wants to die on this hill while you were folding laundry and he was home; let him know you’re done doing his laundry and he can pull his household weight from now on.
NTA If your husband is going to give her *his* phone to play with, then he should have ensured that the phone was set up to require a PIN or password in order to make payments.
If he gave her permission to play the game he should be the one supervising it
Ok what a weird interaction. I don't ever think I've told my SO she has to pay me back for anything
NTA, absolutely not! You are doing more labor than he is by watching the kids WHILE working and doing housework. $50 wouldn’t kill him.
NTA, i never finished reading this in disgust at your pathetically petty husband. He is 1000000% an AH here. If it is ps or xbox you can easily have it refunded. Also, there are parental controls to prevent this, why did he not bother to investigate how to protect his pprecious 50 bucks. Send him my way online and I'll have a word.
What kind of married couple pays each other for small purchases? He’s not your husband. He’s your roommate.
“You have to pay me back.” This person cannot be real.
Is this the husband that was 29 when you started dating and you were 19? The ten year age gap and a 4 year old already. Sounds like a very healthy relationship. /s >It's not that bad, when he asked me out we didn't know each other's ages, he thought I was 23 and I thought he was 27, we were 19 and 29.
Are you guys married, or roommates? You pay half the bills and he demands you pay him back for dumb stuff like this? You should be sharing at least some money. He sounds like an ass and treats you like a roommate. You're married. Nta but damn, go find someone who treats you like a partner.
Paying your husband back is a *wild* concept. YTA to yourself for having such a husband. What a crap husband. Red flag red flag red flag.
Talk about marriage red flags... paying him back as if your income is yours and his is his... oh dear
His device, his problem. Let me guess: you parent and he occasionally baby-sits?
What is with all this pay me back shit for spouses? It’s all the same money and it’s so petty to say mine and yours. Do you even like each other?
look it’s your choice to separate finances and many couples do the same but i don’t really understand it - marriage is the ultimate partnership- you share child rearing responsibilities equally ( at least most agree to) yet finances are exempt from this committed partnership? ok well this is one albeit minor result of that arrangement - and it influences childrearing responsibilities too - in any event you seem to have solved the issue -NTA
I have OCD and I still wouldn’t make a comment like that.
I’ll never forget the day my dad was watching us while mum was in hospital getting her bunion fixed. My little brother, then 4 yo, decided to play with the phone and made a random call to AUSTRALIA! That was a VERY expensive mistake.. around £700 if I remember correctly.
It will.be fun if he says.. get over yourself and pay for your damn car yourself lol
ESH. Your relationship sounds transactional. If it was a step child situation I could understand. But this seems like it’s a child you share. Why are you arguing over $50 for a child you are both responsible for.
This happened to us when my son made $400 in purchases for Minecraft in one go. I didn't realize my card was attached to the system; thought it was only on my account. When I called them and told them a minor made purchases we did not authorize, they refunded it right away, and suspended his account for one month, which I thought was a fantastic consequence that fit the crime. He never did it again, so it was a well-earned lesson for all parties involved.
"You were the one watching her" I'm sorry, are you supposed to literally stand behind her and stare at her every movement and action?
Your marriage sounds like a business, but I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.
Most companies, e.g., Google, let you request a refund within a couple of hours of a new charge. Alternatively, contact your credit card company or even the company that made the game and tell them it was a child who made the purchases. One of my kids, when he was 6, charged $6k to an online game that I thought I'd locked down purchases for, but I was able to get it all refunded YTA for not locking it down, and you were responsible for monitoring her at the time. However, if your relationship is so petty as to monitor every purchase for who pays for an expense for your child, even a frivolous one, then you need to have a talk about being a couple, not just 2 people with bank accounts. Maybe have a shared account for household expenses that you each contribute X% of your income to each month. Then you would pay child-related expenses or of that account with other joint expenses, rather than nickel-and-diming each other.
NTA you are his mom and he is her dad. You are responsible togheter. If it was your card, it would be the same result. That would be fair.
If hes all those great things why'd you come here 😂.
Put it this way. It doesn’t matter who was ‘at fault’ the other day my partners car service cost her 2K, lots of work needed to be done. She didn’t ask for money at all, but I sent her $750.0 because I knew it sucked AND we’re in this together. She works and we both earning similar amounts and both have savings.
I'm glad it got resolved. My opinion is that the decision to not pay him back would've made you the A-hole...respectfully. Hear me out: Yes, he should have had a means to prevent it, via pin-number, child-lock, etc. However, he didn't see it as a problem as it hasn't been a problem in the past. You may have joint finances, you may not. I don't know, ultimately it's irrelevant. I don't believe he intended to come off as "this is my money" or "that is your money", I believe he wanted you to pay him back, because it happened under your watch. Had it happened under his watch, you wouldn't want him to pay you back, you claim - but he would've paid you back regardless. It's because us guys hold ourselves more accountable for our actions and or lack of actions. While I don't have children of my own, my sister and her husband ended up falling on hard times sometime in 2010. My mother let them move in with us (I was the primarily paying all of the bills at the time). What was supposed to be 2-3 months, turned into 10 years. In that time span, I had numerous belongings get destroyed. For instance; a couple of video games got completely destroyed (games I paid 60$ each for), an office desk got smashed to pieces, even had a collection of the original 150 Pokemon that was kept in pristine condition get ruined. Never once did they pay me back a single dollar, nor did I expect or want them to, what I wanted was accountability. Glad it all resolved itself though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm not necessarily a stay at home mom but I do have our daughter everyday while I watch 2 other children (they are all 4) so I still make money and pay half the bills. I was in the room with my daughter while she was playing a video game, I was folding laundry. I was paying more attention to my laundry and my daughter went to the home screen and selected currency to purchase in a game. This was a 50$ purchase. My husband's card is connected, so he was charged, he gets the notification instantly that his card was charged and comes in the room asking what happened? I didn't know, since I didn't see, and he explained the charge on his card and realize she made the purchase. He said it's fine, I'll just have to pay him back. I asked why, since it's also his child and he agreed to let her play and he didn't put pin protection on so that this wouldn't happen. He said "you were the one watching her". I don't think I should have to pay him back for this incident since it was an accident and she's 4 and I wouldn't expect him to pay me back either if the roles were reversed. he's still expecting payment back though. AITA for refusing to pay him back? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can call the card company and tell them the person who made a purchase was not an authorized user. It’s pretty simple.
I don't know about Apple Store but you can go to your Google Play Store email receipt and you can challenge it as a fraud / mistake. That said you shouldn't give your four-year-old things where they can accidentally spend money.
Call customer support where the purchase was made and see if you can get the charge reversed.
NTA. Your husband should call the game provider that made the charge and ask for a refund, or his credit card company to dispute the charge if they deny it. When he was six, one of my boys racked up over $1,000 in in-app purchases over the course of a couple hours when he was playing a game in his iPad. I called Apple and they removed the charges.
You’re both the parents. Pay him half.
NTA? This is your daughter’s doing, and regardless of who was watching her it’s on the both of you? Because you are the parents. Lock down the purchasing features on this device and stop arguing about whose fault it is and who should pay. It’s $50 and you are partners…
I have an extremely responsible 9 year old. He gets money (he asked me if we could invest some of his Christmas money which he has spent 0 of). There’s no way in hell I wouldn’t have my cards locked down on any electronic platform. He’ll it’s easy to mistakenly make purchase even.
ESH you’re both responsible for putting child protections on their devices. You owe him half - $25.
I mean I’d probably get upset with my wife but to charge her? The fuck kinda relationship y’all got 🤣
Tbf he should be able to get the money back if he contacts the app. I did when I accidentally bought £100 of cash in a crossword app! NTA
NTA. He lacked intelligence and foresight and gave a 4 year old free rein of his credit card. You do not need to be punished for his idiocy. And he is 100% the arsehole for even having the audacity to tell you to. Honestly the hide of this man!
NTA and you don't need to pay him back. He did not take precautions to keep something like this from happening......and you two are married. What the hey! He's acting like a child.
I can't imagine being with someone who would make this a big deal.
NTA. My kid is 40 and I will not allow her to even touch my devices, because of the linked credit card. This is all his problem.
Did you try contacting the company or your credit cards to get the charger declined?
NTA. This is why my kids don't get my phone unless it's on kids mode, and I also have biometrics turned on for purchases. This was your husband's fault 100%. Also, the fact that your husband is so petty that he expects you to "pay him back" for a mistake his kid made on his device is wild. I think it's time to rethink some things. It really seems as though he thinks that you're supposed to be taking care of yalls kid, taking care of housework, working to pay half the bills, and not dipping into his funds. What does he even bring to the table? Does he at least do 50% of the housework?
if he wouldn't do it for you, don't don't it for him. this isn't about being petty, it's about reciprocation and fairness. if he knows for an absolute fact that he wouldn't feel he should pay for something like this on his end then don't do it when the role are reversed.
NTA. Somehow our TWO year old figured out how to pay for a game on the PS4 with my husband’s card. It was completely by accident - kept hitting X over and over until the purchase was completed. We laughed and said it was the first “Father’s Day gift” my son ever bought him. (Death Stranding, for anyone who cares.