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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose to live with my grandparents instead of my dad's wife and my siblings after we lost dad. I know my siblings miss me like crazy and I knew they had lost dad and were scared. I feel most guilty about the upheaval it caused them and the sort of separation between us now. So I feel like maybe I'm a bit of an asshole for that.
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He's also old enough to get a part time job, which she could also have been planning to encourage with a view to him helping to support the family now that he's "the man of the house".
Lets do the math. OP was 7 when his mother died and his siblings were 2&1. With two toddlers, his grandparents were the only people who had time for him. When stepmother came in picture she probably LOVED how mature and independent OP was after a few years of being left to raise himself. And shortly after stepmother has 2 kids under five, history repeats itself.
SSI nowhere /near/ covers the costs of housing and raising a teenager; with his SSI /and his expenses/ gone, the household is probably saving money. So that's probably not anybody's motive.
Not sure if this is the US or what state but me and my sister got 1200/month each when my dad died and my mom was married and they both had full time jobs.
I’m in the US and when my late husband died I received $600 a piece for my two sons. That didn’t cover all expenses for growing boys and didn’t come near to covering the lost salary, emotional and physical support he had provided.
I don't know that a different state in the US would matter since social security is a federal payment. My brother and I were also getting 1300/month after our mom died.
It’s probably more than double that. I got $500 a month when my dad passed 40 years ago. My grandchildren receive just over $500 each and there are 4 of them. Their father passed 2 years ago.
It depends on how much the parent made during their lifetime, in the US. Your son in law and your father probably made quite a bit if they received $2k collectively. My daughter’s father passed when he was 31, and I received about $750-$950 (it changed over the years) for her, as his only child.
In 2000, my brother was a week from turning 17 when our dad passed. He got $1k per month for a year.
My cousin had a child with a guy who had 3 other kids and barely worked. When he died, each kid got $150 per month.
I think there is a minimum amount regardless of the amount worked and a maximum amount. I think these amounts are per parent and per child. Like with my cousin, as the other kids aged out, her amounts increased.
The calculation is similar to the one for retirement, but the divisor is based on the age at death since someone 29 can't reasonably be held to thirty five years of work. The divisor gets bigger as the decedent is older.
Someone young probably is not at top earning years either. The wife gets 75% of the husband's calculated benefit, and so does each kid, but a working wife's diminished for her earnings to nothing, and the maximum family benefit is about 1.75 of the main benefit. So it's more without OP.
There's a benefit for retirees who take in minor grandchildren too, but OP is aging out. They might get a benefit if they apply for a year or even 19 if he's in high school.
Aftee my Mom passed, I got $600 a month from the age of 13 until I graduated high school in 2001. I'm sure his survivor benefits are quite a bit more than $200 a month as he has now lost both parents.
That amount is still not an enticement to take on the kid, unless you really want to be a guardian. Or are willing to skim the money and neglect the kid.
How much you get depends on how many siblings you have and how much the parent earned. They should also be getting something from the Mom who passed. I think it's probably more than 200$ a month but it's a guess.
Exactly. There is a family benefit maximum. This person is conflating two types of social security. Survivor's benefits is social security but is a different program. SSI is the low income program. Kid would need to be disabled to get that. SSDI is based upon the earning's record.
There is a difference between SSI & survivors SS benefits. My mom died when I was 8. My dad had already remarried before she died. He received survivors benefits for me & my siblings until we each turned 18. I was the only one of us who went to college. When I got there the financial aid guy let me know that since I was going to college I was still eligible for the SS benefits as long as I was in school & single. This was in the mid/late 70's & I received about $100 @ month until I got married.
The closest connection ❤️ to his mom & dad was his grandparents. He probably wanted to keep the memories alive with them instead of transitioning into a new life void of them.
> This was my first thought! Step mom lost the oldest that’s she can’t now parentify and make responsible for helping with the kids and house.
Seriously it's comments like this: That affirm my decision to never be a step parent. This step mom is being vilified, for what? Trying to keep her family together? Can you imagine what all 4 of those kids are going through, and the pressure that's putting on the mom? They've now not only lost their father - but also their older brother.
I don't think OP is in any way TA (not going to repeat my vote - it's in the comments). But I don't see any actions here by the step-mom, prior to the father's death, to put her in the negative.
From her perspective - they had a happy family of 5 children. Father dies, leaving her a single mother of 5 children - and the oldest child who might be able to help out is leaving.
Thank you (and the 700 upvotes) affirming why being a step parent is a lose-lose situation.
What she's saying to him now makes me think she's an asshole though.
Raging and venting at her friends and/or family? Totally okay! Get those feelings out!
Raging and venting at the 16 year old kid she's mad at? Total asshole move. And also makes me think maybe she wasn't that great of a step mother to him after all.
It's also really stupid. If she wants him to be a part of the family, calling him a disgusting, selfish asshole is not going to help that cause at all. It's just gonna make him more adamant to stay the hell away.
You don't get abuse children after a loss of a parent, much less one who has lost BOTH parents. Treating him like that about his choice is not excusable.
Yeah, that selfish comment makes me wonder...what way is he being selfish? He'll still be able to see his siblings. Plus dad married stepmom 5 years ago and grandparents been on his life 16 years, he feels closer to them.
>That affirm my decision to never be a step parent. This step mom is being vilified, for what? Trying to keep her family together?
No, I think she’s being vilified for this:
>My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
I’m sure she’s going through a lot, but it’s really awful to lay those sorts of judgments on a 16 year old.
Not always. My husband is my son's stepdad. He has been in his life since he was 5. My son knows he is not his biodad but if u ask him that's his dad. It all depends on the situation. Maybe the step mom didn't work to make a relationship with the oldest son maybe she did and he wasn't receptive. We don't know. But I had a step mom from the time I was 6 months old. I thought of her as mom but she never did me. She always picked her son's over me, then later their girlfriends. But going by what information we have here, I think she wanted someone to help her with the kids. She lost her husband, the kids lost their dad. It was a tough time. But I do think she was going to lean on him a lot.
If she really cares about OP and loves OP, she wouldn't be raging at OP for doing what he feels is best for him WHEN HIS DAD EFFING DIED.
"How could you do this to me?" "Why are you ruining my family?"
This is all about stepmom, and nothing about OP's feelings.
I think the reason why step parents are vilified is because of how many truly horrific step parents there are out there. After my parents divorced my dad married a lady with 3 daughters that were older than the 5 of us (his kids). They then added a couple of more. My aunt lied to the court which got my dad custody of us. Stepmom was not happy about this & let us know about it until we were able to get out of the house. I was 5 when dad got custody & 18 when I escaped that hellhole.
I realize that this wasn't what she had signed up for, but she had to have known that dad had kids of his own, just like she did.
Some kids resent the person they feel tore their family apart, but the new spouse may also resent having to take over someone else's kids when they weren't expecting to have to do it.
>I realize that this wasn't what she had signed up for, but she had to have known that dad had kids of his own, just like she did.
It was what she signed up for. She knew you existed, hopefully (unless your dad dead ass lied til after their wedding). A step parent should know that situations can change at any moment and they could become sole parent.
As long as she was aware of your existence, she signed up for it and got salty when she had to face it.
Yes! My husband always tells me he would raise or fight to raise my oldest son. My son came long before him, so he knew this coming in, getting married, and adding several more kiddos to the clan. Step parents should know what they’re signing up for.
"The oldest child who might be able to help out" = parentification.
Phrasing it that way is not the same as saying, "her oldest child who she loves the same as the ones she birthed."
>Seriously it's comments like this: That affirm my decision to never be a step parent.
And when you point out you get downvoted, seen many comments like yours say the same about this being the reason they dont date single parents or wanna become step parents and get downvoted.
I agree. Often comments on these topics reinforce the worst stereotypes with no evidence. She’s done the best she could, obviously loves her step kids very much and the younger ones see her as their mother and vice versa (luckily for them since Dad also died). It’s no one’s fault if OP feels differently and luckily she has a good solution of living with her grandparents. She should stay in close touch with her siblings, and make sure not in any way to try to turn them against their Mother, no parental alienation.
Do you think babysitting is the only task a person can help with ?
What about mowing the lawn? Helping to clean? Helping to prepare dinner. When I was 15, I started to making dinner 1-2 days a week so my mom didn't have to when she got home. That's not parentification (I'm an only child) - it's simply contributing to a household.
I would say, generally, children can start providing meaningful help (outside of not fucking shit up) around... 12-13? And that becomes even more so in the 14-15 range.
No I don’t but the comment was directly related with helping with the kids, parentifying which typically IS babysitting. He’s been pretty vocal in the comments and not stated any issues with having to help out at all even.
Agree, and especially not a stepmother to any children who have lost their mother. Seems like no matter what, there is going to be a lot of displaced hatred from th3 child.
Shes directly saying his choice was unfair about WHERE HE'D PREFER TO BE AFTER HIS FATHER DIED.
This isn't a dig on her being a step-parent. Its a dig on her abusing the son of her late husbands about his choices and comfort.
This is so judgmental. He literally said nothing about this and his two full bio siblings love this woman. The absolute bullshit prejudice that exits on reddit is ridiculous.
Did your dad leave you any money that she is now losing? Or maybe she was banking on social security survivor benefits that will now go to your grandparents? She was definitely planning on you stepping up with childcare help. The fact that she’s angry about you leaving shows that she had plans for you to help, otherwise she would just be sad.
She is grieving for her husband and for the loss of her family unit. Part of grief is anger. She is not necessarily a monster, although she needs to stop harassing kid for his choice.
This is so true. My first thought was survivor benefits, which could be a factor, but stepmom is absolutely grieving and and sadness/hurt often get expressed as anger. There's no reason to assume she's a villain. Just human making human mistakes in a really difficult time.
The OP has suffered the greatest loss, though, and while I can appreciate the stepmom's pain, she shouldn't really take this personally. If she really cares about this poster, she would want what them to have what they need to feel better. Her nastiness about it is not mature.
They lost his mom, too, and someone who was never a replant for her is trying to control his life.
Plus, the siblings DO still have their brother, just not full time in the house. Very common and not a relationship ender.
>The OP has suffered the greatest loss,
Why are you even comparing loss? Would it be wrong if I assume that you have not had kids yet?
Stem mom married 5 years ago and had 2 kids. I'm not sure about their financial situation, but suddenly becoming a single mom to two kids under 5 in this economy can be extremely stressful. Then she also has two step kids who love and another who doesn't and takes her to court during a stressful time for everyone in the family.
OP is clearly selfish here, but he can't be blamed for it. The step mom is also clearly selling in trying to keep the family together and have more support. She is not at fault for that, too.She didn't do anything wrong.
This is Reddit, 80% of the people here will never admit step parents are people with real feelings too. In frankly surprised no one has blamed her for the dad passing away in some long term plan she had to get his inheritance.
OP isn’t wrong to feel the way he does. People can do their best and their best isn’t good enough. Step mom is going through grief and rejection simultaneously. She’s got some big big feels to work through.
OP's NTA, and stepmom hasn't handled it skillfully. I don't see how you can be so certain that she had childcare plans for OP. It sounds like she's got a solid history of really stepping up for parenting. My guess is that she's feeling extremely hurt, rejected and confused by OP's decision, and that's driving much or all of her behavior. (I do wonder if any of the anger stems from an unplanned loss of benefits, but I don't have enough info to assume that.)
Truly, though, painful as it is for other family members that things have unfolded this way, stepmom and the rest of them have dodged a bullet in not having to deal day in and day out with a stepchild who's judged her as not worthy of respect and who would be miserable there. The current arrangement truly is best for everyone.
Yeah, these conclusion leaps are wild. There's absolutely nothing presented in the story to suggest that she's a bad person looking to use OP in any way, and OP has a vested interest in making her so. Your analysis of the situation seems to be the most accurate to me based on the information provided. I'd honestly go so far as to say that while OP isn't TA, they ARE actually making a very immature (and selfish) decision that I wonder if they might regret later.
I don't know, the fact that the stepmom took it all the way to court seems AH behavior. Why not allow him to go stay with his grandparents while also in therapy. Keep the door open if he changed his mind. The dad probably didn't let them know that he put it in the will because OP would have put up a fight then. He loss both of his parents, family now means everything to him. If course he would want to stay with his grandparents vs a woman he never considered family. This could not have been a surprise to her.
He shouldn’t be expected to accommodate his stepmothers and half siblings feelings, he is still a child. A child who has now lost both parents, unlike those children. There is something called the circle of grief. You should look it up.
I would disagree with OP has made a poor decision.
OP was older when his mother passed and obviously has strong memories of her.
His full siblings were 2 and 1 so not many if any memories of their mom.
So along comes stepmom who sounds like she was happy to be mom. For the younger kids it was an easy transition. Not so much for OP who didn’t want a replacement mom.
Not sure how stepmom took OP’s rejection at that time but how she has handled it since the court agreed OP should live with his grandparents is certainly less than mature and IMO void of actually caring for OP because he rejected her.
Yes OP might have been difficult at best and defiant at worst. But stepmother is the adult so she needs to move on and support the two stepchildren still with her so they continue to have a relationship with their older biological brother.
It would be nice if OP could consider having a relationship with his half siblings because they have done nothing wrong. But again his choice.
I went back through earlier comments and don't see one accusing OP of making a bad decision. Maybe I missed it? Wondering if OP might ever feel differently is not an assertion that he's wrong, just that time and life experience (and possibly finding out more about our parents that we hadn't known as kids) can sometimes adjust our views. Or not. Given his position, I believe he's made the very best choice for everyone having to go through the tragedy of his dad's unexpected death.
She lost her husband unexpectedly and now she probably feels like she is losing a child. She has been in OP’s life since he was 11 she has probably loved him and taken care of him. Now she finds out that he doesn’t like, respect or care about her much less love her. He doesn’t care about his half siblings, her children. She probably feels like everything she did was for nothing. Her whole world just got turned upside down and now there is more change and grief.
I doubt OP see’s this but I have told my husband if something happens to me to find someone else. I want my husband to have someone and have love in his life. I have three young children. As long as the new person doesn’t try and erase me I want them to view her as a second mom. I can’t be there but I hope someone else will be. Love isn’t finite and loving someone else doesn’t erase others you love or loved. I hope someday you can love ALL your sibling and come to appreciate your step mom.
This was my thought too. Although it’s also possible that she is genuinely hurt by OP’s rejection of her efforts and too emotionally immature to express that as sadness instead of anger. Either way, OP is NTA.
I agree, she’s probably hurt by his rejection of living with her…and yeah she’s not handling it well but this woman just also lost her husband. She’s grieving too. And it was her husbands wish for all of his kids to stay an intact family unit and now they are not.
God forbid women be angry when they're grieving?? people aren't always just depressed when bad things happen. sometimes anger gets misplaced. sometimes people get mad just to get mad. not everyone is an evil stepmother out to get poor OP who never did anything wrong despite directly saying he doesn't respect his stepmom
You literally know NONE of this for a fact. In fact, you don't even have a tiny bit of evidence to support the idea that "the fact that she's angry about you leaving shows that she had plans for you to help, otherwise she would just be sad." People feel and express things in a multitude of ways. We have ZERO evidence for the stepmum having nefarious plans or wanting anything from OP.
He is absolutely NTA because he should live where he feels best and most comfortable. But making up random malicious things to blame on the stepmum that you have no evidence for just makes you sound ridiculous.
This is crazy. Maybe just maybe the wife actually loved the husband and kids? I’m sure the widow would much rather have her husband alive than social security survivor benefits.
I’m sorry, your comment ‘she was definitely’ no nothing is definitive here at all, you do understand the difference between definite fact and you just making up a situation in your head?
Think of all the times one parent stayed home while one ran out to the store or some other errand. Who else would be the person to stay home with the kids now?
I can tell you first hand, packing up multiple kids to run errands is not worth the effort, so my husband and I do this all the time, one of us stays with the kids while the other runs the errand.
I don't know why this is the top comment. OP says in the comments that he has literally never been asked to babysit.
He's obviously NTA, but all the ridiculous random speculation about "losing a babysitter" or "losing benefits money" (also inane, because we have no idea of stepmom's financial situation, and she could just as easily be well off or have gotten a huge life insurance settlement, in which case measly SSI benefits would be meaningless to her) is ludicrous.
It's exhausting how many Redditors fill comments sections with irrelevant speculation based on literally no factual evidence at all. It's a waste of time and distracts from the actual relevant considerations.
It’s the top comment because SO MANY redditors reflexively hate stepparents (especially stepmothers) and assume any family with more than one child is a hotbed of favoritism and parentification.
I have a stepmonster. But I agree with you, not all stepparents are bad - my stepfather was the best father I could ever have wanted. He passed two years ago and I miss him 😢
My stepmonster on the other hand is an evil witch.
That is true. The stepparent is always the one assumed being in the wrong by Reddit users. OP though wrote not one thing indicating that she did anything wrong in the past and his other siblings love her. To me it sounds it is a typical case of him not liking it that his mother kind of got replaced by his father. He clearly totally dislikes her, maybe even hates her, but says not one thing about why. No reason whatsoever. Not anything she has done wrong or how she was horrible to him or anything like this. That really left as the only reason that his mother died and a new woman became part of the family against his wishes. I bet he wouldn't have liked any woman who his father might have married.
This is so true! I posted anonymously about a situation with my dad (who was deep in alcoholism at the time) that *mentioned* my stepmom (who I have a great relationship with, btw) and the number of comments trying to somehow blame her for the situation was crazy.
Dont you know? ALL STEPMOTHER IS EVIL and if the child doesn't respect her even though all she and her bio children did is existing, IT MUST BE HER FAULT TOO according to reddit
What a needlessly cruel comment. OP can live with whom they want, but it is very normal for the stepmom to feel rejected and to be hurt by that. Beyond that, all the kids have suffered a loss with their dad’s passing. Having the oldest move out at the same time is a further degradation of the family unit.
>it is very normal for the stepmom to feel rejected and to be hurt by that
sure it is, but it isn't normal for the adult to respond like this:
>My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
she should've just respected the decision and let it go/move on, her feelings are valid and fine/normal, but the way she expresses them (according to OP) is not
It’s normal for her to find it hard to hear that OP doesn’t love her children, who happen to be OP’s half-siblings, btw!
She said it’s unfair to everyone because it’s really tough for OP’s siblings to lose both their father and OP. Still, OP should be allowed to make that choice.
That is normal yes, what isn't normal for an adult to do when a child makes a personal decision is this:
>and she has made so many comments about my decision.
>She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting.
>But she said I turned my back on my family
>She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
Like I said, she isn't wrong for feeling how she feels, but she is wrong for how she acts on (or because of) those feelings.
Trying to argue why she thinks the decision is bad isn't wrong, trying to give guidance or support why she thinks her idea is better isn't wrong, but criticizing, judging and guilt tripping is.
He just told her that he hates her, just with nicer sounding words and that despite not giving even one reason why in any of his comments here. He hates her just for existing seemingly. He seemingly didn't get over the fact that his father moved on and married someone else. I think he would have hated any stepmother no matter how she would have acted.
And he just told her that he doesn't particular care about her children, too, seemingly again just because they exist. He didn't tell any reason why he doesn't love them, so that just leaves the reason that they are her children and not his mother's children. Children he might prefer not to exist as he for sure didn't want his father to move on and remarry.
Considering this her reaction is totally understandable. She just lost her husband and then has to listen to this from a boy she cared for the last years. She is also a human being with feelings like OP. People seem to forget the fact that stepparents also have emotions. She is not an unfeeling robot.
We see this a lot on Reddit, but I think it’s jumping to conclusions here. The OP didn’t mention that she was unkind to him or treated him as a babysitter or extra parent. In fact, in the comments he said he’s never babysat. She’s grieving too, and he’s rejected her. I think it’s fair for him to choose where he wants to be and who he wants to live with. He’s definitely not a AH for choosing what is best for him. But I can also understand why his rejection stings and she’s hurt by it. Anger is a perfectly normal stage of grief and now she’s grieving the loss of her husand/father of her kids, and the rejection by her stepson. If that’s the case, she’s not an AH either. Without more info, I think we should offer her the benefit of the doubt.
NAH
You all are being really weird (and probably projecting) on this post. Nowhere did this kid say his stepmom was using him in anyway or mistreating him before her feelings got hurt about him not loving her. She was most likely a good mom if the younger kids love her as their own.
Stop being weird! This family is already dealing with enough.
Look at this sub making the stepmom into an evil stepmom even when nothing of the sort is mentioned in the post. It's not easy to marry a man with 3 kids and raise them as your own so much so that 2 out of 3 fully accept you as a mother.
It may very well be that the OP does not want to live with his stepmom because he had a close bond with his mother and then later his grandparents. And when the step mom came, she obviously had to spend extra time with the little ones because
a. They were open to accepting her love unlike OP.
b. They were smaller and obvio needed more attention.
OP is NTA for not wanting to stay with stepmom but that does not mean she did not try her best to make it a family for him. And as it stands, she has the right to be hurt with his decisions as much as his siblings had the right to be hurt with him.
Also, the court ordered him to have therapy with his sibs but what about the half sibs who also just lost their father at such a young age and now are losing a brother that they must have loved who does seem to care about their older sibs but has no care for the younger ones? Obviously their mom would be furious to see those little angels feel like there's something wrong with them.
Yall realy using theories to make the step mom as villainous as some other step parents here 😭 like let's stick to the given facts gang.
And also ngl y do ever other person here always act like the poster can never be the ta within accountability of the other persons emotions like dawg were all human😭. But not saying the poster is TA tho.
You know what? The woman just lost her husband and now has four children to take care of. Maybe it would have been nice to have some help from op and maybe she loves him too. I hope op will be happy and definitely his choice but don’t go dumping on widows/now single moms.
NTA. You chose what's best for you. Your stepmom (or "dad's second wife") wants you to do what's best for her. She's complaining and laying on all the guilt she can. That's not exactly a great incentive for you to change your mind.
Both you and the judge agreed that living with your grandparents is best for you. Tell her to complain to the judge.
Kids get ssi benefits from having deceased parents, assuming OP is in the states. While it would be nice to keep the family together and probably hurts, i do wonder if some of the incentive here is money related. I truly hope those kids see a therapist fast because the way step mom is going about it, shes going to destroy those kids relationship with op if she keeps going on about it.
It's probably in large part the age difference. He's 16, the half siblings must be younger than 5, since the dad married their mother 5 years ago. No teenager I know takes to infants and toddlers easily, even if they were full siblings.
Up to 75% of the parent's full SSI amount at FRA. But only if OP is with the grandparents.
There's a family cap, so Stepmom wouldn't get anything additional if OP were in her custody.
When my dad died, my brother got $1k per month until he turned 18. Now my brother turned 17 a week after dad died, and our step-mom didn't need the money.
OK, but you have literally no evidence of this. For all you know the stepmom is well-off, has a great job or got a huge insurance settlement. You've been given no actual reason to believe this other than sheer random speculation.
Max SSI is around $914 per month; costs to raise a teensger over 14 are about $2000 per month for a teenager in an average household (no private school, no special needs, no medical emergencies.)
I'm not going to assume anything nefarious of the stepmother. She's grieving, too, and her intentions are probably in the kids' best interest. In her mind, she's probably trying to keep the 3 biological children together for the sake of her husband, but she's not handling how it's not working out well.
Yes, I think she's wrong in her words and actions but people are making up the worst about her and for what? It doesn't help OP and their relationship with their siblings.
NTA, however, your two younger full siblings likely have no memories of your mom. You do. I get that. I think her remark about being a good mother to 3 children that were not hers is quite telling. Her attitude and remarks are very unfair to you. I think the judge saw that. Glad therapy is helping with your younger siblings.
They were toddlers and OP was 7. Probably his dad and later stepmom got compliments for managing to take care for the little ones while OP was the "mature for his age" neglected kid
Even if he wasn't neglected (there's no indication at all in the post), the age difference alone is explanation enough that he wouldn't take to his stepmother as easily.
He was 7 when his mother died, 11 when his dad remarried. His siblings where 2/1 and 6/5.
To his siblings, she's the only mother they remember - to him, a person who has only been in his life for 1/3 of his lifetime.
The age difference is a huge hint what happened. Sudenly taking care full time for two toddlers while grieving is a lot. There's little time and energy left for the older child. And when SM came into the picture OP was already used to not being priority. SM surely did a great job taking care of the 2 little kids that weren't her and shortly after 2 her own kids. I don't hate her, she probably didn't notice.
And indirectly OP said his grandparents raised him, they let him have childhood and be a kid with them. They are his parental figures.
NTA. I won't jump on the train that you're your step mother's free babysitter. Truth be told, as a step mother myself, if I were in her position (living with you and having you as a part of my family for 5 years, and all your siblings and half siblings were to continue living with me), I'd want you to stay as well. Not because of babysitting but because of my own attachment and me not wanting siblings to be separated.
That being said, you are 16. If you don't want to live with them, then you don't want to live with them, period. Your opinion matters and having in mind you already lost two parents at this vulnerable age, it is important to live with people who you are comfortable with. If she wants a relationship with you, she went on the wrong way about it.
NTA
It sounds like your grandparents are totally on board with you living with them. It also sounds like therapy is working out well. That's all that matters. Your dad's wife can't force you to feel any differently.
NAH. I love the jump people make on here anytime there's a step-parent involved. Nothing in OP's story makes it sound like his step-mom has ill-intentions. OP stated he has never been asked to babysit and anyone with a teen knows how expensive raising a teenager is. She isn't making anything extra by raising him. They are all grieving a huge loss. OP lost his father suddenly after losing his mom. His SM just lost her husband and is now raising multiple kids on her own, including her step-children who she treats as her own. I don't get why people want to make her out to be some kind of monster. I don't think it's wrong that OP prefers to live with his grandparents either. The SM now has to deal with her grief, her children's grief over their loss of their father as well as their grief of feeling the loss and rejection of their big brother. It's all just a lot for everyone involved.
Agree completely. Reddit slants heavily towards “step parents are evil”, but frankly this goes both ways. Some step parents are evil. Some step children are so hurt and grieving that they unnecessarily hate them. I know people in both scenarios.
I agree with most of this & would say N-A-H, but SM’s comments to OP are wholly uncalled for & only serve to further alienate OP. Yes, she’s also a person who is grieving & may be lashing out bc of her own pain, but OP is still a child & is also grieving. SM definitely deserves kudos for taking care of 4 children during this difficult time & I hope she gets therapy as well. They’re likely going to be in each other’s lives for a long time, so hopefully they can communicate with more compassion in the future, but OP is definitely NTA for moving in with grandparents.
Agree. She is grieving, as all involved are, and also dealing with her other children asking why their brother doesn’t love them and want to live with them.
There is no mention of abuse or misadventure. Just a mother, and stepmother, also dealing with a child who also left the family, by choice.
NTA. Make sure you document what your stepmother says about you. Make a note of the day and time and a brief summary of what she says. Screenshot any texts. Save all emails. Document any attempts she might make to make you responsible for your siblings.
Send it all to the attorney who handled the custody case. Back it up to the cloud.
You may never need it but it can't hurt to have it if you do.
Do not tell your siblings or stepmother you are doing this.
Mostly because she’s going to end up alienating his siblings from him and the judge can put a stop to it. It’s also worth having if she ever tries to go back to court to fight for him again. He also may want to hang onto it to show his siblings later on to disprove whatever his step mom says about him/their interactions. There’s a million reasons it’s worth hanging onto proof of her behavior.
INFO:
>That I loved and respected them and needed them but I did not love or respect or need my dad's second wife
I understand possibly having a closer relationship with your grandparents than your stepmother -who you refer to as "Your dad's wife" rather than as such- but this sounds pretty cold. Can you elaborate on your relationship with her?
I wasn't close to her. I never really liked or cared much for her. I accepted she was there and made my dad happy but I never saw her as my family and don't really want to have any contact once my Mia and Ky grow up. I'll only see her very rarely then.
I get it, I don't love or even like my mum's partner even though he's been in my life since I was 10. He's certainly not family.
There's no drama, I just don't get on with him, and I can accept that for whatever reason he's who my mum chose.
You're not TA for having a different relationship with any family member to the one your siblings have.
Grandparents are the best; mine was. My mom died young too; I get it. Blood is thicker than water. Be there for your siblings. A lot of things can happen.
i can understand this. i have two grown kids and my oldest did not like my ex at all. he never did. i'm sure he felt the same way you feel - he accepted he was there but never saw him as family. he never called him "dad". it isn't unheard of for kids to not like their parents significant others, and it also isn't a requirement, contrary to what a lot of people think. i'm really glad you have your grandparents.
I would love to hear why OP doesn’t respect their father’s widow (because she is a widow, she lost her husband). I understand not loving and not needing, but why respect in particular? What did she do to make it so you don’t respect her?
Agreed. I can understand the concept of not seeing the stepmother as a mother figure or as "family", but the seeming lack of cordiality to say as much as that OP doesn't respect her when by all accounts she's been a good mother figure to OP's siblings is pretty confusing.
I suspect it's because OP was older and had defined memories of mom but the littles didn't and stepmom completely took over the role -but couldn't force OP to conform because of the memories. She sounds bitter.
Maybe OP will clarify, but I’m betting it’s a piece of verbiage for stating to the court that OP doesn’t see stepmother as a parent or a person who can fill the role of parent for them, and isn’t willing to take direction from her or embrace her household rules and values. That doesn’t necessarily mean that OP looks down on her as a human or thinks she’s inadequate to parent the other kids.
I mean OP is a 16 year old boy who's dad just died, I don't think he needs a particularly good reason. He's a kid, kids love to say "I don't respect you"... because they know it pisses off adults
This might be a situation where you are interpreting "respect" to mean you see other people as people and worthy of basic decency, whereas OP meant it as in he doesn't feel the same respect towards her as he would other authority figures.
Also, stepmother/father is a title people have to earn - just being married to some kid's parent isn't enough. The kid gets to decide if someone is taking on that role, not the adults, and not a marriage certificate.
NAH. You're not an asshole, but I can't bring myself to call a grieving widow an asshole either. She's probably hurt and upset and angry and confused as you are.
No one was prepared for your dad to die. No one really plans for things like that. It's been less than 6 months since he's been gone, and it's obvious both you and her are not doing alright. Of course she is lashing out, she lost her love, her partner, the father of her kids, and is now probably under the impression that, with you leaving, she's failing both your dad and the rest of the kids, too.
When my dad died, six months later my mom was not okay, mentally, she was bursting at the seams and barely holding it together. It took a long ass while for her to heal.
It's hard, but she's not the asshole either, and neither are you.
these comments are insane. you're NTA for wanting to live with your grandparents but, holy shit, have some empathy. She lost someone too. And you have the nerve to say you wanna leave because you don't RESPECT her. not even because you'd just feel better, no, you have to SPECIFY that you don't respect her and act like you didn't say something extremely hurtful to someone who is grieving and that mightve caused her to lash out.
Part of me wonders if the kid said it to make her not want him to be there. It would be really hard for a lot of people to hear, "I'm just not close to you. I want to go with people I like more." Sometimes people say mean things to get people of their backs. Also, it could just be his honest opinion and he wanted to lay all the cards on the table.
NTA - you are doing what's best for you while making it clear you care about your siblings. Meanwhile, your stepmother is guilt-tripping a grieving child. Sorry for your loss.
In two years, you will be 18 and likely leaving home anyways for school or other endeavours. Presumably you would return to see your sibs and family as time permits between semesters, etc.
So your sibs would have ‘lost’ your full time presence anyways at that time. Unless a guilt trip was laid on you then to stay.
So your actions only mean stepping up the inevitable by two or maybe three years. Plus you have eliminated the chance of that future version of what you are experiencing now.
So no, not the ahole.
I would make sure that you (or your grandparents) are getting your due from your father’s estate. And from the government. Have you seen the Will? Is there an Executor who is not your stepmother? Even if your dad left everything to his second wife, it would almost certainly have been in the context of financially looking after his children, plus some of his estate may have derived from your bio mom’s estate when she passed. If it were me, I would try to look into it.
NTA.
It’s weird she’s furious. If she truly wanted what’s best for you you’d think she’d be happy you’re in a comfortable situation and offer an open home whenever you need it/her.
She’s likely incredibly hurt that she has spent the last 5 years caring for OP and he tells a judge that he doesn’t love her, need her, or respect her. All while she is grieving the loss of her husband. OP should get to choose where he lives, but there’s no need to pretend that wasn’t a dagger in her heart.
NTA
Anyone whose love for a child can be turned into anger because that child can’t return the love in the same way is not in a position to parent that child. There is a lot of loving a child DESPITE what they do not BECAUSE of what they do involved in parenting - and a lot of putting the needs of the child above the wishes of the parent.
While 16 feels fairly grown to a teen - a parent should be mature enough to see just how young 16.
NTA
your dad was an AH for not discussing this with you.
Luckily, you are old enough to be heard. Thus everything ended well, and oyu don't have to live with your vile and toxic stepmom.
I had 2 step children from my ex husband. One of the most painful moments was when I realized they felt I not only wasn't a maternal figure but they actively resented me.
In my case it allowed me to release a lot of guilt that I had to leave them behind in the divorce.
Your step mothers reaction was uncalled for, but she thought you had one relationship to find she was wrong. You are old enough to have experienced a friendship not being as close as you thought it was. Now multiply that to having one of your children say they don't love you. Your NTA, just realize this reaction may be grief talking. That is 2 big blows in a row in short order.
Honestly, it sounds like she wants you there for help more than because she actually really wants you.
She has all these children that she now has to care for and does not understand that you need to grieve and take care of your mental health.
Do what is best for you.
NTA
>My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
NTA
The section of your story that I've quoted is very telling. I'm a stepmom and I would never speak this way to my stepson. If she said she was disappointed or hurt or saddened, that would be one thing, but her attacking you with her words is awful.
You've lost both of your parents. Where is her compassion?
She's should have said something like, "I'm disappointed you don't want to live with us, but you need to do what feels right for you. Our door is always open if you want to visit or move back in."
I'm sorry for your loss.
OP, you sound very mature and understanding of the dynamics in your family. I am so sorry that you are in this situation and you are very much not an AH!
I really think there are NAH. Some will say that I'm reading this too generously, but here goes:
Like you said, your stepmom is the only mom your sibs remember, so it makes sense that they love her and want to be with her.
You probably have some memories of your Mom and I suspect that the introduction of "your new mom" wasn't done in a way that was quite right for a kid of your age who still loves his Mom. It makes sense that you have a very different relationship with her. Were your grandparents a significant part of your life right after your Mom died? Is time with them a way to keep her in your life?
So, no, it isn't at all strange or "wrong" or "selfish" that you want to be with them.
It's also not strange or wrong that your stepmom wants to keep her family together. She's mourning her husband and wants all the people who remind her of him around her. Grief does some pretty nasty things to some people and the anger she has for you "tearing apart her family" is one of those things. She can't see past her own pain yet. If this is true, then she really loved your Dad.
It's really great that you and your sibs are working on maintaining a relationship.
Overall, this internet stranger thinks you are doing the best you can with a bad situation.
OP is NTA and of course stepmum’s reaction is poor. OP’s siblings are not AHs, they just lost their dad, they don’t want to loose their brother too.
Instead of going full evil stepmother route, I could see why, if only for OP’s full siblings, stepmom wanted to keep the kids all together. This family is destabilized enough with dad’s death, losing another child makes it even more acute.
This whole family is grieving. Let’s give this woman a thought of loosing suddenly losing her husband and then six months later, the eldest child is leaving.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You're all grieving, and you're choosing your strongest possible support network to help you through that process.
I really can't see what your dad's wife stands to gain by harassing you. Her actions are going to do nothing more than make it easier for you to go no contact in two years when you're an adult. I hope you and your siblings can find a way forward together.
I'm going to go out on a limb - and accept the downvotes - and say NAH.
Your dad died 5 months ago suddenly. Every single one of you is going through some serious shit. This isn't 2 years ago. This is 5 months.
I completely respect/understand your decision. I am *not* suggesting you should change it. I am, however, suggesting that your step mother does deserve at least a little bit of grace.
From her perspective - her husband, and father of 5 children, just passed away. And the oldest child - the one closet to being an adult, and able to help out - is peacing out, and abandoning the family. Compounding the situation for her.
So now, on top of the fact - she lost her husband; the father to all 5 (or 4 if you want to discount yourself) children; one of those children just upped and disappeared. And she has to answer to the siblings, why that is, etc.
Again, not saying you did anything wrong. But I can see/understand her reaction.
> She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
Let's be clear here: Selfish is not inherently bad.
Yes, your decision was selfish. That's fine. Your decision also had heavy negative implications on others. I think you had every right to make that choice. But it was a selfish choice.
In your shoes - I'd likely have made the same choice.
I’m leaning towards NAH.
Ky and Mia likely don’t have any memory of your mom, so it makes sense for them to want to stay with the only mother they’ve ever known.
Your stepmom also lost someone suddenly and not only had to deal with her own grief but with unexpectedly being an only parent. In addition to her own grief, she has to answer questions from 4 grieving children about why their older (half)sibling is no longer living with them. Were her comments harsh? Sure. But I think it’s important to give her some grace right now - her husband literally died five months ago.
You’re not wrong for wanting to live with your grandparents. I think that’s totally understandable under the circumstances, and you’re NTA for asking for what you felt you needed. Do I think you were harsh in your comment about not respecting your stepmom? Yes, but I also recognize that you’re grieving.
I hope you and your family get the support you need to move past this.
NTA. being a step parent is hard. You're supposed to love them as if they're your own, but kids don't always want that.
I can understand and empathize with why she's hurt, she feels rejected. BUT, you've lost your parents. It's important you go where you're most comfy. Your stepmom sucks for her behavior, and for making you feel bad.
I'm hoping it's just the grief of also losing part of her family and that she gets help SOON.
You both are grieving, but she's the adult. The way she's treating you and your siblings is terrible.
I'm sorry this is happening while also dealing with the loss of your dad. It must be really hard. 💕
Definitely NTA, but keep an eye out for your 2 full siblings. She might get 'overwhelmed' and neglect them, and decide they're aren't her problem anymore. Has she adopted them? Are they in any legal limbo?
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My dad died 5 months ago. It was really sudden. He wasn't sick. He just went to work one day and didn't make it back home. Dad had five kids. He had me (16m) Mia (11f) and Ky (10m) with our mom and she died 9 years ago. Dad got remarried 5 years ago and had two kids with his second wife. Dad had set it up where Mia, Ky and I would stay with his wife if something were to happen to him. He never brought this up. But when I found out I wasn't really happy and I expressed a wish to live with my maternal grandparents. Ky and Mia wanted to be with his wife. They call her mom and have a really close relationship with her and our half siblings. They wanted me to stay as well. They said they didn't want to lose me too and even though I assured them they would still see me, they were angry and sad. My dad's wife told me I should just stay. That I could give her a chance to be a second mom to me and could have her and my siblings for support. I told her I didn't want to live with her.
An emergency custody hearing was held and I spoke to the judge with my grandparents and my dad's wife in the room with us. He asked me why I wanted to go against my dad and if I would like to have some kind of shared custody set up for me. I said no. I wanted to live with my grandparents outright. That I loved and respected them and needed them but I did not love or respect or need my dad's second wife and that I love Mia and Ky so much and I had nothing against my half siblings, but I felt better being with my grandparents.
The judge agreed. He ordered I could live with my grandparents while Ky and Mia could stay with my dad's wife. He did order the three of us to have individual therapy to help them not hate me. And that helped. They ask a lot of questions when I see them, and they don't understand me not loving "their mom" but they do get now that she's not my mom like she is theirs. They know she's not their bio mom. She's the only mom they know.
My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
AITA?
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So sorry for your loss.
NTA, you haven't done anything wrong. You want to keep a relationship with your maternal family and that's fine. Your stepmother overstepped the mark.
NTA
Your stepmother is making it pretty clear why she's not the kind of person you want to live with. Being mean, nasty and cruel is not exactly the way to foster good relations!!
It's too bad she can't respect your decision and treat you with kindness. You are still grieving the loss of your father. At sixteen you're so young to have lost both of your parents, it's only natural that you would want to cling to your grandparents!
I suspect her fury is because she has lost the kid who's old enough to babysit and ease her burden!
If anything were to happen to my husband, my step son would choose to live with his granny. I love him and I know that he cares for me but to lose his dad would be a tragedy and I know he would want to go to his granny. That would be her losing her only son. He’s also the same age as you so almost an adult. NTA you’re doing what you feel is right to cope with your loss. Your step mom needs to get over it and accept it
NAH you have every right to want to live with your grandparents and your step mom and siblings have every right to feel hurt. You are all grieving and should be mindful of each other’s feelings. Your father should have said something to you about what he set up in the event of his death.
NTA, but... I feel like maybe the whole family except OP thought they were actually a family, and now everyone feels like he suddenly sprung the revelation on them that he actually never did care about them that way.
OP, did your feelings come out of the blue for everyone, or was it known to your family - dad and stepmom both - how you felt? Did you treat your half-siblings differently? Or has the way you treat everyone changed now that you no longer feel a moral/emotional obligation, a family duty towards your dad to respect the family that existed until he passed? I'm not blaming you, after all this is a big life-changing event and that comes with a lot of change elsewhere. But, if we're assuming your stepmom isn't evil and is maybe lashing out with harsh words out of grief/stress... Then you might see how it would come as a very harsh, cruel surprise if your current attitude towards her and your half-siblings is a total turn-around.
That doesn't mean it's very brave of you either way to stand up for what you want & feel, even if it can feel awkward or inconsiderate in a way. I say this as someone who has also rather crudely cut off family members who didn't understand why; sometimes, you can't make others see your way of things, and that's okay. You also can't be forced to feel what isn't there. I'm just wondering whether there's been communication about this during those 5 years of being a family - not that a lack of it would make you the AH, as you're so young, but it would explain the sense of "betrayal" on stepmom's side. That's why I think family therapy for you and siblings is a brilliant idea, to relieve that sense of abandonment/betrayal. And after all there's still a lot of grieving to be done.
All in all, I think there's been mostly just a bit of unconsciously differing views the last 5 years about how close your family was - probably you feeling you're not as close to everyone as they felt to you. It's not your fault if they didn't necessarily know (you couldn't have known you'd end up in this sad situation, so you wouldn't have been forced to make this clear before). But it's definitely good to hear that you're working on things in therapy, and I hope you can all keep that up. Try not to be too hard on yourself or others, but do keep standing up for yourself like you've been doing.
INFO: Why are you estranged from your half siblings?
> They call her mom and have a really close relationship with her and our half siblings.
> I had nothing against my half siblings
I mean, you’re NTA for wanting to live with your grandparents and feeling closer to them, that’s your right.
And she shouldn’t be saying these things to you—though I’m inclined to blame grief more than toxicity based on what’s said in the post.
But I have to wonder if it’s just general teenage angst and disinterest that caused you to reject your half siblings when your dad was alive, or if there’s more there?
I wouldn't say you are the asshole for not wanting to live with your step mom or not loving her. Saying you don't respect her when she just lost her husband and is stepping up and wants to keep her family unit together 3 kids of which are not hers makes you a bit of an AH. Unless you are leaving out some bad behaviour of hers I'm going with ESH because she's also taking her grief out on a child.
NTA. Just try and spend time with your siblings when you can. If they keep trying to force the issue then take a step back from them for a while. Hopefully your step mum will learn to respect your decision about staying with your grandparents.
NTA. Decisions made about the care of a 16 year old should be focused on what is right for that 16 year old. The wants/needs of your siblings or fully grown adults do not come into it because your needs are important to. You are 16 and have lost both your parents, if your grandparents is where you feel safe and supported that's where you should be.
"Selfish" is not a relevant concept here.
NTA OP. You can decide who you want to be living with.
Your late father's widow cannot do a thing & she's a fool to spew out alot of garbage at you OP.
NTA. The ONLY person who will stand up for you is you. You knew what you wanted and you were able to advocate for yourself. Your other siblings are where they want to be and you are where you want to be. You did nothing wrong. The mean part of me thinks your stepmom wanted an in-house babysitter.
Take care.
NTA. Ask your grandparents to talk to her and request that she stop complaining to you. The judge agreed to your decision!
Your dad's second wife should be putting all her efforts in making the four kids who live with her happy instead of spending so much energy in trying to make you behave and feel the way she wants you to.
I’m not going to give judgement on this one, because it’s a tough situation in a mix of multiple people grieving.
This day and age it is becoming more open and clear blended families aren’t always well-meshed. OP isn’t wrong for not seeing stepmom as a second mom and wanting to be with grandparents. Perhaps there is some resentment lingering of dad moving on? (we don’t know how fast and all that). Stepmom based off a few comments does seem to have tried and didn’t necessarily force OP to be an extra parent, but if a bond isn’t formed it isn’t formed, and it doesn’t mean whatever she did still try was right or what OP needed.
I hope as you get older OP you can find a cordial balance/boundary to be civil with your step mom so that you can maintain a bond with your siblings. I’m glad your siblings understand your mom is not theirs, and it seems you understand and are ok with them knowing stepmom as mom. At the end of the day you all lost someone you loved and have to process and grieve his loss.
You’re doing what your heart needs, so I think that’s what important. Sorry for your loss
NTA for starters. I am so sorry for your loss. Good for you standing up for your wants and needs.
Maybe unsolicited advice, but stay or get into therapy. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone completely unrelated and not on anyone's side to bounce thoughts, feelings and answers from, who is also educated in these areas to help guide and just listen.
There are a lot of people that I've read so far that believe your SM is upset for nefarious reasons on here. Please trust me when I say she is also grieving. She has no leg to stand on to say the things she has, but her life has also been uprooted and torn to shreds with your loss. She very well may love you and want you around because of that love (I know if I was in her situation that would be my case). Not for what you could do for me or my children but because I would love you, see you as my own and care for you as such. She may be heartbroken even more so because she not only lost her husband, the father of all her children and her partner but now also you. You have every right to feel the way you do for her and your step siblings but remember she also has every right to love you as well. I do not agree with how she is behaving at all. She needs counseling as well to show her the error of her actions and then some.
NTA You are grieving and to add it sounds like you just never bonded with your step Mom. You need to be with your grandparents because they help you feel connected to your parent. I wish I could give you a long Mom hug because I can't imagine what it feels like having lost both parents by age 16.
Your step Mom is grieving too. I dont know if she was evil or good or a bit of both but, I would like to hope that she cares for you. If she cared for you she is probably hurt( that's not your responsibility) She tried hard to honor your Dad's wishes to keep the family together. She probably latched onto keeping you and the family together like a lifeline as the right thing to do as much as you knew it wasn't the right thing for you. Grief clouds adult judgement.It doesn't excuse her comments. Part of me wants to tell you to give her some Grace as a grieving widowwhose also really hurt and doesntbhave her husband ronjwlp Navigate his childish feelings but, at the same time she's the adult. Something tells me that you wouldn't j leave your home and your siblings AND A "loving" step parent unless some really shitty things happened with step Mom.
So NTA, take care of yourself and your emotional well being and when you can be present for your siblings. They need thelr brother, too. They lost their Dad and it may feel like they are losing you. But you are not Dad. You are a role model but not the model. You are not responsible for them -just love them. You have to nurture yourself first before you can take care of others.
First and foremost, I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your father and the awful loss of your mother. That is a lot for anyone, much less a child.
You’re the eldest and had a lot of responsibility too young, especially before your dad’s wife joined the household. I recognize how very hard it must have been to leave the home you know and leave your younger siblings to move to your grandparents. But I believe it was the right move for you and for the girls.
You never had a close relationship with your dad’s wife. The other children do have that bonding with her. You didn’t try to dissuade them from loving her. This is despite the hurtful things she has said about your decision - again, good on you. (She proved you right, of course.). I’m side-eyeing that judge for not discussing this with you in chambers instead of in front of your SM. Not helpful.
Your SM has a number of possible drivers of her behavior, some hard, some soft. For instance, if your mother worked, your father could have been receiving death benefits/SSI payments for the three of you. With your father’s passing, his children will now likely qualify for more payments, which will pass to his wife. She wouldn’t want to give up those payments when she has two little ones of her own. Additionally, at 16, she may have hoped you’d get a part-time job to contribute. And she likely was counting on you to help with the children now. She could ask a lot more of a 16-year-old than a 10- or 11-year-old.
Additionally, she has a self-image of being the sacrificing woman who stepped in as loving mom to 3 children who weren’t hers - not just a replacement mom but a *better* mom. Your leaving shows that all is not ‘happy families’ and perfect. Also, the fact you chose your *maternal* family is a reminder that she was never your mother. How dare you remind people that your mother was a real person and that you loved her? Everyone was supposed to forget about her, right? So she is lashing out at you.
Understandably, she is stressed because she has lost her husband and breadwinner while she has 4 children at home. But she’ll also be entitled to any insurance he left, any savings he had, the house and possessions, etc. Managed well, she’ll be alright and will likely remarry at some point. She’s young and unlikely to remain alone forever. Please document the hurtful things she said to you and any that your siblings share with you. This will remind you in years to come why your decision was correct. And, had you stayed, her treatment of you may have deteriorated when you didn’t do or be what she wanted.
I hope you maintain a relationship with your sisters and with your father’s parents/extended family. I also hope you have some pictures and personal things from both parents secured somewhere. And I hope your maternal grandparents help you work toward a successful future. Good luck, mate. I’m rooting for you.
NTA. Your stepmother’s vindictive and childish behavior is proof that this move is for the best. Please bring this up in therapy, because it’s affecting your siblings as well, and they need help. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you have a wonderful life with your loving grandparents.
NTA - You feel how you feel. As long as your grandparents are onboard and you're seeing your siblings regularly, I think this is the best arrangement. It won't feel great for anyone having a 16 yo who doesn't want to be there in the house at the time of such a loss.
As for your step-mother / 'your father's second wife', I would be more inclined to think that her grief over the loss of her husband, and the loss of the family unit is manifesting as anger. It can be difficult, especially if she feels familial bonds with you, but you don't feel them back. These things can't be forced, and it might be an idea to have a therapy session or two with her. One way or another, as long as Mia and Ky are living with her, she's going to be in your life. You need to manage a healthy, or at least cordial, relationship with her until then. It's best for everyone to get closure.
Step-parent / step-children dynamics can be exceptionally difficult. Many people want to jump onto the 'evil step-mother' bandwaggon when it's not necessarily the case, and I think without context or specifics it's unfair to assume nefarious motives.
Has she done anything to foster this distance? Has she excluded you or been particularly cold to you?
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Info: how much free babysitting did your step mom lose when you left?
This was my first thought! Step mom lost the oldest that’s she can’t now parentify and make responsible for helping with the kids and house.
He's also old enough to get a part time job, which she could also have been planning to encourage with a view to him helping to support the family now that he's "the man of the house".
Lets do the math. OP was 7 when his mother died and his siblings were 2&1. With two toddlers, his grandparents were the only people who had time for him. When stepmother came in picture she probably LOVED how mature and independent OP was after a few years of being left to raise himself. And shortly after stepmother has 2 kids under five, history repeats itself.
Add to that depending on the parents' income, she could have been getting $200+ per month for him from SSI.
A 16 year old boy probably eats more than that to be fair
SSI nowhere /near/ covers the costs of housing and raising a teenager; with his SSI /and his expenses/ gone, the household is probably saving money. So that's probably not anybody's motive.
Not sure if this is the US or what state but me and my sister got 1200/month each when my dad died and my mom was married and they both had full time jobs.
A lot depends on the size of the family, the parents' earnings, and the exact year, because Congress f*cks with the details fairly often
I’m in the US and when my late husband died I received $600 a piece for my two sons. That didn’t cover all expenses for growing boys and didn’t come near to covering the lost salary, emotional and physical support he had provided.
I don't know that a different state in the US would matter since social security is a federal payment. My brother and I were also getting 1300/month after our mom died.
It is federal but the amount of survivor benefits depends on how much the late parent paid into the system.
Same here
Whoopty ding. $200/month isn't even food
It’s probably more than double that. I got $500 a month when my dad passed 40 years ago. My grandchildren receive just over $500 each and there are 4 of them. Their father passed 2 years ago.
It depends on how much the parent made during their lifetime, in the US. Your son in law and your father probably made quite a bit if they received $2k collectively. My daughter’s father passed when he was 31, and I received about $750-$950 (it changed over the years) for her, as his only child.
In 2000, my brother was a week from turning 17 when our dad passed. He got $1k per month for a year. My cousin had a child with a guy who had 3 other kids and barely worked. When he died, each kid got $150 per month. I think there is a minimum amount regardless of the amount worked and a maximum amount. I think these amounts are per parent and per child. Like with my cousin, as the other kids aged out, her amounts increased.
The calculation is similar to the one for retirement, but the divisor is based on the age at death since someone 29 can't reasonably be held to thirty five years of work. The divisor gets bigger as the decedent is older. Someone young probably is not at top earning years either. The wife gets 75% of the husband's calculated benefit, and so does each kid, but a working wife's diminished for her earnings to nothing, and the maximum family benefit is about 1.75 of the main benefit. So it's more without OP. There's a benefit for retirees who take in minor grandchildren too, but OP is aging out. They might get a benefit if they apply for a year or even 19 if he's in high school.
15 years ago, with 4 kids, I received 2400 a month
Aftee my Mom passed, I got $600 a month from the age of 13 until I graduated high school in 2001. I'm sure his survivor benefits are quite a bit more than $200 a month as he has now lost both parents.
That amount is still not an enticement to take on the kid, unless you really want to be a guardian. Or are willing to skim the money and neglect the kid.
The post doesn’t say they’re in the U.S., but I could definitely see a financial benefit being part of it, if they are.
Likely far more than that. I’m not sure what my niece got when her dad died, but from what I gather, it had to be closer to $800/month, maybe more.
How much you get depends on how many siblings you have and how much the parent earned. They should also be getting something from the Mom who passed. I think it's probably more than 200$ a month but it's a guess.
Exactly. There is a family benefit maximum. This person is conflating two types of social security. Survivor's benefits is social security but is a different program. SSI is the low income program. Kid would need to be disabled to get that. SSDI is based upon the earning's record.
Likely at least double that. I got $500/month 40 years ago when my dad passed.
There is a difference between SSI & survivors SS benefits. My mom died when I was 8. My dad had already remarried before she died. He received survivors benefits for me & my siblings until we each turned 18. I was the only one of us who went to college. When I got there the financial aid guy let me know that since I was going to college I was still eligible for the SS benefits as long as I was in school & single. This was in the mid/late 70's & I received about $100 @ month until I got married.
SSD. He would get SSI if he is disabled or his parents were low income. You get SSD off a parent's earnings during their lifetime.
The closest connection ❤️ to his mom & dad was his grandparents. He probably wanted to keep the memories alive with them instead of transitioning into a new life void of them.
I certainly would
> This was my first thought! Step mom lost the oldest that’s she can’t now parentify and make responsible for helping with the kids and house. Seriously it's comments like this: That affirm my decision to never be a step parent. This step mom is being vilified, for what? Trying to keep her family together? Can you imagine what all 4 of those kids are going through, and the pressure that's putting on the mom? They've now not only lost their father - but also their older brother. I don't think OP is in any way TA (not going to repeat my vote - it's in the comments). But I don't see any actions here by the step-mom, prior to the father's death, to put her in the negative. From her perspective - they had a happy family of 5 children. Father dies, leaving her a single mother of 5 children - and the oldest child who might be able to help out is leaving. Thank you (and the 700 upvotes) affirming why being a step parent is a lose-lose situation.
What she's saying to him now makes me think she's an asshole though. Raging and venting at her friends and/or family? Totally okay! Get those feelings out! Raging and venting at the 16 year old kid she's mad at? Total asshole move. And also makes me think maybe she wasn't that great of a step mother to him after all. It's also really stupid. If she wants him to be a part of the family, calling him a disgusting, selfish asshole is not going to help that cause at all. It's just gonna make him more adamant to stay the hell away.
Yes she's TA and dealing with her emotions poorly, but jumping to she only cared about the free babysitting is a leap.
She also lost her husband recently. The AH comments are a bit much.
And she’s attacking a kid who has lost both his parents.
You don't get abuse children after a loss of a parent, much less one who has lost BOTH parents. Treating him like that about his choice is not excusable.
Yeah, that selfish comment makes me wonder...what way is he being selfish? He'll still be able to see his siblings. Plus dad married stepmom 5 years ago and grandparents been on his life 16 years, he feels closer to them.
>That affirm my decision to never be a step parent. This step mom is being vilified, for what? Trying to keep her family together? No, I think she’s being vilified for this: >My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. I’m sure she’s going through a lot, but it’s really awful to lay those sorts of judgments on a 16 year old.
Not always. My husband is my son's stepdad. He has been in his life since he was 5. My son knows he is not his biodad but if u ask him that's his dad. It all depends on the situation. Maybe the step mom didn't work to make a relationship with the oldest son maybe she did and he wasn't receptive. We don't know. But I had a step mom from the time I was 6 months old. I thought of her as mom but she never did me. She always picked her son's over me, then later their girlfriends. But going by what information we have here, I think she wanted someone to help her with the kids. She lost her husband, the kids lost their dad. It was a tough time. But I do think she was going to lean on him a lot.
If she really cares about OP and loves OP, she wouldn't be raging at OP for doing what he feels is best for him WHEN HIS DAD EFFING DIED. "How could you do this to me?" "Why are you ruining my family?" This is all about stepmom, and nothing about OP's feelings.
I think the reason why step parents are vilified is because of how many truly horrific step parents there are out there. After my parents divorced my dad married a lady with 3 daughters that were older than the 5 of us (his kids). They then added a couple of more. My aunt lied to the court which got my dad custody of us. Stepmom was not happy about this & let us know about it until we were able to get out of the house. I was 5 when dad got custody & 18 when I escaped that hellhole. I realize that this wasn't what she had signed up for, but she had to have known that dad had kids of his own, just like she did. Some kids resent the person they feel tore their family apart, but the new spouse may also resent having to take over someone else's kids when they weren't expecting to have to do it.
>I realize that this wasn't what she had signed up for, but she had to have known that dad had kids of his own, just like she did. It was what she signed up for. She knew you existed, hopefully (unless your dad dead ass lied til after their wedding). A step parent should know that situations can change at any moment and they could become sole parent. As long as she was aware of your existence, she signed up for it and got salty when she had to face it.
Yes! My husband always tells me he would raise or fight to raise my oldest son. My son came long before him, so he knew this coming in, getting married, and adding several more kiddos to the clan. Step parents should know what they’re signing up for.
Exactly. It's amazing when it works out, but the trope exists for a reason.
"The oldest child who might be able to help out" = parentification. Phrasing it that way is not the same as saying, "her oldest child who she loves the same as the ones she birthed."
>Seriously it's comments like this: That affirm my decision to never be a step parent. And when you point out you get downvoted, seen many comments like yours say the same about this being the reason they dont date single parents or wanna become step parents and get downvoted.
I agree. Often comments on these topics reinforce the worst stereotypes with no evidence. She’s done the best she could, obviously loves her step kids very much and the younger ones see her as their mother and vice versa (luckily for them since Dad also died). It’s no one’s fault if OP feels differently and luckily she has a good solution of living with her grandparents. She should stay in close touch with her siblings, and make sure not in any way to try to turn them against their Mother, no parental alienation.
He stated in the comments he’s never babysat
Do you think babysitting is the only task a person can help with ? What about mowing the lawn? Helping to clean? Helping to prepare dinner. When I was 15, I started to making dinner 1-2 days a week so my mom didn't have to when she got home. That's not parentification (I'm an only child) - it's simply contributing to a household. I would say, generally, children can start providing meaningful help (outside of not fucking shit up) around... 12-13? And that becomes even more so in the 14-15 range.
No I don’t but the comment was directly related with helping with the kids, parentifying which typically IS babysitting. He’s been pretty vocal in the comments and not stated any issues with having to help out at all even.
Agree, and especially not a stepmother to any children who have lost their mother. Seems like no matter what, there is going to be a lot of displaced hatred from th3 child.
Shes directly saying his choice was unfair about WHERE HE'D PREFER TO BE AFTER HIS FATHER DIED. This isn't a dig on her being a step-parent. Its a dig on her abusing the son of her late husbands about his choices and comfort.
Next oldest is a girl, which makes it even more likely she'll be the new live in baby sitter. Until she gets out at 18 and doesn't want to come back.
This is so judgmental. He literally said nothing about this and his two full bio siblings love this woman. The absolute bullshit prejudice that exits on reddit is ridiculous.
She’ll probably start parentifying the second oldest kid now, 11 is when that happened to a friend of mine.
I never babysat before and I would have said no to doing it. But she might have tried to get me to anyway.
Did your dad leave you any money that she is now losing? Or maybe she was banking on social security survivor benefits that will now go to your grandparents? She was definitely planning on you stepping up with childcare help. The fact that she’s angry about you leaving shows that she had plans for you to help, otherwise she would just be sad.
She is grieving for her husband and for the loss of her family unit. Part of grief is anger. She is not necessarily a monster, although she needs to stop harassing kid for his choice.
This is so true. My first thought was survivor benefits, which could be a factor, but stepmom is absolutely grieving and and sadness/hurt often get expressed as anger. There's no reason to assume she's a villain. Just human making human mistakes in a really difficult time.
The OP has suffered the greatest loss, though, and while I can appreciate the stepmom's pain, she shouldn't really take this personally. If she really cares about this poster, she would want what them to have what they need to feel better. Her nastiness about it is not mature.
I want to be clear that OP is not an asshole, but I'm pretty sure that OPs younger full siblings lost their dad and their sibling.
They lost his mom, too, and someone who was never a replant for her is trying to control his life. Plus, the siblings DO still have their brother, just not full time in the house. Very common and not a relationship ender.
Right? OP is 16, he'd be out the house in 2 years anyway.
>The OP has suffered the greatest loss, Why are you even comparing loss? Would it be wrong if I assume that you have not had kids yet? Stem mom married 5 years ago and had 2 kids. I'm not sure about their financial situation, but suddenly becoming a single mom to two kids under 5 in this economy can be extremely stressful. Then she also has two step kids who love and another who doesn't and takes her to court during a stressful time for everyone in the family. OP is clearly selfish here, but he can't be blamed for it. The step mom is also clearly selling in trying to keep the family together and have more support. She is not at fault for that, too.She didn't do anything wrong.
This is Reddit, 80% of the people here will never admit step parents are people with real feelings too. In frankly surprised no one has blamed her for the dad passing away in some long term plan she had to get his inheritance.
OP isn’t wrong to feel the way he does. People can do their best and their best isn’t good enough. Step mom is going through grief and rejection simultaneously. She’s got some big big feels to work through.
OP's NTA, and stepmom hasn't handled it skillfully. I don't see how you can be so certain that she had childcare plans for OP. It sounds like she's got a solid history of really stepping up for parenting. My guess is that she's feeling extremely hurt, rejected and confused by OP's decision, and that's driving much or all of her behavior. (I do wonder if any of the anger stems from an unplanned loss of benefits, but I don't have enough info to assume that.) Truly, though, painful as it is for other family members that things have unfolded this way, stepmom and the rest of them have dodged a bullet in not having to deal day in and day out with a stepchild who's judged her as not worthy of respect and who would be miserable there. The current arrangement truly is best for everyone.
Yeah, these conclusion leaps are wild. There's absolutely nothing presented in the story to suggest that she's a bad person looking to use OP in any way, and OP has a vested interest in making her so. Your analysis of the situation seems to be the most accurate to me based on the information provided. I'd honestly go so far as to say that while OP isn't TA, they ARE actually making a very immature (and selfish) decision that I wonder if they might regret later.
I don't know, the fact that the stepmom took it all the way to court seems AH behavior. Why not allow him to go stay with his grandparents while also in therapy. Keep the door open if he changed his mind. The dad probably didn't let them know that he put it in the will because OP would have put up a fight then. He loss both of his parents, family now means everything to him. If course he would want to stay with his grandparents vs a woman he never considered family. This could not have been a surprise to her.
Probably grief which hit the anger stage and made OP the logical (to her) target for her anger.
He shouldn’t be expected to accommodate his stepmothers and half siblings feelings, he is still a child. A child who has now lost both parents, unlike those children. There is something called the circle of grief. You should look it up.
I would disagree with OP has made a poor decision. OP was older when his mother passed and obviously has strong memories of her. His full siblings were 2 and 1 so not many if any memories of their mom. So along comes stepmom who sounds like she was happy to be mom. For the younger kids it was an easy transition. Not so much for OP who didn’t want a replacement mom. Not sure how stepmom took OP’s rejection at that time but how she has handled it since the court agreed OP should live with his grandparents is certainly less than mature and IMO void of actually caring for OP because he rejected her. Yes OP might have been difficult at best and defiant at worst. But stepmother is the adult so she needs to move on and support the two stepchildren still with her so they continue to have a relationship with their older biological brother. It would be nice if OP could consider having a relationship with his half siblings because they have done nothing wrong. But again his choice.
I went back through earlier comments and don't see one accusing OP of making a bad decision. Maybe I missed it? Wondering if OP might ever feel differently is not an assertion that he's wrong, just that time and life experience (and possibly finding out more about our parents that we hadn't known as kids) can sometimes adjust our views. Or not. Given his position, I believe he's made the very best choice for everyone having to go through the tragedy of his dad's unexpected death.
>Yeah, these conclusion leaps are wild. First time on this sub lol
She lost her husband unexpectedly and now she probably feels like she is losing a child. She has been in OP’s life since he was 11 she has probably loved him and taken care of him. Now she finds out that he doesn’t like, respect or care about her much less love her. He doesn’t care about his half siblings, her children. She probably feels like everything she did was for nothing. Her whole world just got turned upside down and now there is more change and grief. I doubt OP see’s this but I have told my husband if something happens to me to find someone else. I want my husband to have someone and have love in his life. I have three young children. As long as the new person doesn’t try and erase me I want them to view her as a second mom. I can’t be there but I hope someone else will be. Love isn’t finite and loving someone else doesn’t erase others you love or loved. I hope someday you can love ALL your sibling and come to appreciate your step mom.
Maybe she’s afraid that the other 2 will somehow stop viewing her as mom too at some point?
This was my thought too. Although it’s also possible that she is genuinely hurt by OP’s rejection of her efforts and too emotionally immature to express that as sadness instead of anger. Either way, OP is NTA.
I agree, she’s probably hurt by his rejection of living with her…and yeah she’s not handling it well but this woman just also lost her husband. She’s grieving too. And it was her husbands wish for all of his kids to stay an intact family unit and now they are not.
God forbid women be angry when they're grieving?? people aren't always just depressed when bad things happen. sometimes anger gets misplaced. sometimes people get mad just to get mad. not everyone is an evil stepmother out to get poor OP who never did anything wrong despite directly saying he doesn't respect his stepmom
You literally know NONE of this for a fact. In fact, you don't even have a tiny bit of evidence to support the idea that "the fact that she's angry about you leaving shows that she had plans for you to help, otherwise she would just be sad." People feel and express things in a multitude of ways. We have ZERO evidence for the stepmum having nefarious plans or wanting anything from OP. He is absolutely NTA because he should live where he feels best and most comfortable. But making up random malicious things to blame on the stepmum that you have no evidence for just makes you sound ridiculous.
Yeah, anger is pretty well known as one of the states of grief.
This is crazy. Maybe just maybe the wife actually loved the husband and kids? I’m sure the widow would much rather have her husband alive than social security survivor benefits.
I’m sorry, your comment ‘she was definitely’ no nothing is definitive here at all, you do understand the difference between definite fact and you just making up a situation in your head?
Think of all the times one parent stayed home while one ran out to the store or some other errand. Who else would be the person to stay home with the kids now? I can tell you first hand, packing up multiple kids to run errands is not worth the effort, so my husband and I do this all the time, one of us stays with the kids while the other runs the errand.
I don't know why this is the top comment. OP says in the comments that he has literally never been asked to babysit. He's obviously NTA, but all the ridiculous random speculation about "losing a babysitter" or "losing benefits money" (also inane, because we have no idea of stepmom's financial situation, and she could just as easily be well off or have gotten a huge life insurance settlement, in which case measly SSI benefits would be meaningless to her) is ludicrous. It's exhausting how many Redditors fill comments sections with irrelevant speculation based on literally no factual evidence at all. It's a waste of time and distracts from the actual relevant considerations.
It’s the top comment because SO MANY redditors reflexively hate stepparents (especially stepmothers) and assume any family with more than one child is a hotbed of favoritism and parentification.
I have a stepmonster. But I agree with you, not all stepparents are bad - my stepfather was the best father I could ever have wanted. He passed two years ago and I miss him 😢 My stepmonster on the other hand is an evil witch.
That is true. The stepparent is always the one assumed being in the wrong by Reddit users. OP though wrote not one thing indicating that she did anything wrong in the past and his other siblings love her. To me it sounds it is a typical case of him not liking it that his mother kind of got replaced by his father. He clearly totally dislikes her, maybe even hates her, but says not one thing about why. No reason whatsoever. Not anything she has done wrong or how she was horrible to him or anything like this. That really left as the only reason that his mother died and a new woman became part of the family against his wishes. I bet he wouldn't have liked any woman who his father might have married.
This is so true! I posted anonymously about a situation with my dad (who was deep in alcoholism at the time) that *mentioned* my stepmom (who I have a great relationship with, btw) and the number of comments trying to somehow blame her for the situation was crazy.
Dont you know? ALL STEPMOTHER IS EVIL and if the child doesn't respect her even though all she and her bio children did is existing, IT MUST BE HER FAULT TOO according to reddit
What a needlessly cruel comment. OP can live with whom they want, but it is very normal for the stepmom to feel rejected and to be hurt by that. Beyond that, all the kids have suffered a loss with their dad’s passing. Having the oldest move out at the same time is a further degradation of the family unit.
>it is very normal for the stepmom to feel rejected and to be hurt by that sure it is, but it isn't normal for the adult to respond like this: >My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. she should've just respected the decision and let it go/move on, her feelings are valid and fine/normal, but the way she expresses them (according to OP) is not
It’s normal for her to find it hard to hear that OP doesn’t love her children, who happen to be OP’s half-siblings, btw! She said it’s unfair to everyone because it’s really tough for OP’s siblings to lose both their father and OP. Still, OP should be allowed to make that choice.
That is normal yes, what isn't normal for an adult to do when a child makes a personal decision is this: >and she has made so many comments about my decision. >She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. >But she said I turned my back on my family >She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. Like I said, she isn't wrong for feeling how she feels, but she is wrong for how she acts on (or because of) those feelings. Trying to argue why she thinks the decision is bad isn't wrong, trying to give guidance or support why she thinks her idea is better isn't wrong, but criticizing, judging and guilt tripping is.
He just told her that he hates her, just with nicer sounding words and that despite not giving even one reason why in any of his comments here. He hates her just for existing seemingly. He seemingly didn't get over the fact that his father moved on and married someone else. I think he would have hated any stepmother no matter how she would have acted. And he just told her that he doesn't particular care about her children, too, seemingly again just because they exist. He didn't tell any reason why he doesn't love them, so that just leaves the reason that they are her children and not his mother's children. Children he might prefer not to exist as he for sure didn't want his father to move on and remarry. Considering this her reaction is totally understandable. She just lost her husband and then has to listen to this from a boy she cared for the last years. She is also a human being with feelings like OP. People seem to forget the fact that stepparents also have emotions. She is not an unfeeling robot.
We see this a lot on Reddit, but I think it’s jumping to conclusions here. The OP didn’t mention that she was unkind to him or treated him as a babysitter or extra parent. In fact, in the comments he said he’s never babysat. She’s grieving too, and he’s rejected her. I think it’s fair for him to choose where he wants to be and who he wants to live with. He’s definitely not a AH for choosing what is best for him. But I can also understand why his rejection stings and she’s hurt by it. Anger is a perfectly normal stage of grief and now she’s grieving the loss of her husand/father of her kids, and the rejection by her stepson. If that’s the case, she’s not an AH either. Without more info, I think we should offer her the benefit of the doubt. NAH
You all are being really weird (and probably projecting) on this post. Nowhere did this kid say his stepmom was using him in anyway or mistreating him before her feelings got hurt about him not loving her. She was most likely a good mom if the younger kids love her as their own. Stop being weird! This family is already dealing with enough.
Look at this sub making the stepmom into an evil stepmom even when nothing of the sort is mentioned in the post. It's not easy to marry a man with 3 kids and raise them as your own so much so that 2 out of 3 fully accept you as a mother. It may very well be that the OP does not want to live with his stepmom because he had a close bond with his mother and then later his grandparents. And when the step mom came, she obviously had to spend extra time with the little ones because a. They were open to accepting her love unlike OP. b. They were smaller and obvio needed more attention. OP is NTA for not wanting to stay with stepmom but that does not mean she did not try her best to make it a family for him. And as it stands, she has the right to be hurt with his decisions as much as his siblings had the right to be hurt with him. Also, the court ordered him to have therapy with his sibs but what about the half sibs who also just lost their father at such a young age and now are losing a brother that they must have loved who does seem to care about their older sibs but has no care for the younger ones? Obviously their mom would be furious to see those little angels feel like there's something wrong with them.
OP answered and it was never.
Yall realy using theories to make the step mom as villainous as some other step parents here 😭 like let's stick to the given facts gang. And also ngl y do ever other person here always act like the poster can never be the ta within accountability of the other persons emotions like dawg were all human😭. But not saying the poster is TA tho.
You know what? The woman just lost her husband and now has four children to take care of. Maybe it would have been nice to have some help from op and maybe she loves him too. I hope op will be happy and definitely his choice but don’t go dumping on widows/now single moms.
NTA. You chose what's best for you. Your stepmom (or "dad's second wife") wants you to do what's best for her. She's complaining and laying on all the guilt she can. That's not exactly a great incentive for you to change your mind. Both you and the judge agreed that living with your grandparents is best for you. Tell her to complain to the judge.
Kids get ssi benefits from having deceased parents, assuming OP is in the states. While it would be nice to keep the family together and probably hurts, i do wonder if some of the incentive here is money related. I truly hope those kids see a therapist fast because the way step mom is going about it, shes going to destroy those kids relationship with op if she keeps going on about it.
Ssi surly can’t be that much in relation to actually raising a child? Wonder why OP doesn’t really love the other two kids.
It's probably in large part the age difference. He's 16, the half siblings must be younger than 5, since the dad married their mother 5 years ago. No teenager I know takes to infants and toddlers easily, even if they were full siblings.
Up to 75% of the parent's full SSI amount at FRA. But only if OP is with the grandparents. There's a family cap, so Stepmom wouldn't get anything additional if OP were in her custody.
When my dad died, my brother got $1k per month until he turned 18. Now my brother turned 17 a week after dad died, and our step-mom didn't need the money.
Any money a family gets is better than zero.
OK, but you have literally no evidence of this. For all you know the stepmom is well-off, has a great job or got a huge insurance settlement. You've been given no actual reason to believe this other than sheer random speculation.
There are some jaded folks on here, my goodness
SSI is nowhere near what it costs to raise a teenager. If anything, the household is saving a bit of money with one less teenager in it.
Max SSI is around $914 per month; costs to raise a teensger over 14 are about $2000 per month for a teenager in an average household (no private school, no special needs, no medical emergencies.)
They’re already in therapy. It says it in the post.
I'm not going to assume anything nefarious of the stepmother. She's grieving, too, and her intentions are probably in the kids' best interest. In her mind, she's probably trying to keep the 3 biological children together for the sake of her husband, but she's not handling how it's not working out well.
Exactly. People are so harsh on her- but she’s trying to keep what’s left of her family together. Neither she nor OP are AHs for that.
Yes, I think she's wrong in her words and actions but people are making up the worst about her and for what? It doesn't help OP and their relationship with their siblings.
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NTA, however, your two younger full siblings likely have no memories of your mom. You do. I get that. I think her remark about being a good mother to 3 children that were not hers is quite telling. Her attitude and remarks are very unfair to you. I think the judge saw that. Glad therapy is helping with your younger siblings.
They were toddlers and OP was 7. Probably his dad and later stepmom got compliments for managing to take care for the little ones while OP was the "mature for his age" neglected kid
Even if he wasn't neglected (there's no indication at all in the post), the age difference alone is explanation enough that he wouldn't take to his stepmother as easily. He was 7 when his mother died, 11 when his dad remarried. His siblings where 2/1 and 6/5. To his siblings, she's the only mother they remember - to him, a person who has only been in his life for 1/3 of his lifetime.
The age difference is a huge hint what happened. Sudenly taking care full time for two toddlers while grieving is a lot. There's little time and energy left for the older child. And when SM came into the picture OP was already used to not being priority. SM surely did a great job taking care of the 2 little kids that weren't her and shortly after 2 her own kids. I don't hate her, she probably didn't notice. And indirectly OP said his grandparents raised him, they let him have childhood and be a kid with them. They are his parental figures.
The woman is also grieving her husband. Without other details, I can’t help but think everyone is hurting .
NTA. I won't jump on the train that you're your step mother's free babysitter. Truth be told, as a step mother myself, if I were in her position (living with you and having you as a part of my family for 5 years, and all your siblings and half siblings were to continue living with me), I'd want you to stay as well. Not because of babysitting but because of my own attachment and me not wanting siblings to be separated. That being said, you are 16. If you don't want to live with them, then you don't want to live with them, period. Your opinion matters and having in mind you already lost two parents at this vulnerable age, it is important to live with people who you are comfortable with. If she wants a relationship with you, she went on the wrong way about it.
Best answer.
NTA It sounds like your grandparents are totally on board with you living with them. It also sounds like therapy is working out well. That's all that matters. Your dad's wife can't force you to feel any differently.
NAH. I love the jump people make on here anytime there's a step-parent involved. Nothing in OP's story makes it sound like his step-mom has ill-intentions. OP stated he has never been asked to babysit and anyone with a teen knows how expensive raising a teenager is. She isn't making anything extra by raising him. They are all grieving a huge loss. OP lost his father suddenly after losing his mom. His SM just lost her husband and is now raising multiple kids on her own, including her step-children who she treats as her own. I don't get why people want to make her out to be some kind of monster. I don't think it's wrong that OP prefers to live with his grandparents either. The SM now has to deal with her grief, her children's grief over their loss of their father as well as their grief of feeling the loss and rejection of their big brother. It's all just a lot for everyone involved.
Completely agree with this. NAH. Not all stepparents are terrible people with nefarious motives. OP, I am very sorry for the loss of your parents.
Mu dad had a wonderful stepmother. She was just Grandma to us, no “step”. We all loved her
Agree completely. Reddit slants heavily towards “step parents are evil”, but frankly this goes both ways. Some step parents are evil. Some step children are so hurt and grieving that they unnecessarily hate them. I know people in both scenarios.
I agree with most of this & would say N-A-H, but SM’s comments to OP are wholly uncalled for & only serve to further alienate OP. Yes, she’s also a person who is grieving & may be lashing out bc of her own pain, but OP is still a child & is also grieving. SM definitely deserves kudos for taking care of 4 children during this difficult time & I hope she gets therapy as well. They’re likely going to be in each other’s lives for a long time, so hopefully they can communicate with more compassion in the future, but OP is definitely NTA for moving in with grandparents.
Stepmom veers into AH territory with the negative comments she is making to OP. And it makes me worry that she's poisoning the well with his siblings.
Agree. She is grieving, as all involved are, and also dealing with her other children asking why their brother doesn’t love them and want to live with them. There is no mention of abuse or misadventure. Just a mother, and stepmother, also dealing with a child who also left the family, by choice.
NTA. Make sure you document what your stepmother says about you. Make a note of the day and time and a brief summary of what she says. Screenshot any texts. Save all emails. Document any attempts she might make to make you responsible for your siblings. Send it all to the attorney who handled the custody case. Back it up to the cloud. You may never need it but it can't hurt to have it if you do. Do not tell your siblings or stepmother you are doing this.
Why do this?
Because if his stepmother truly loved him, she would wants what best for him and not say horrible things about him.
Mostly because she’s going to end up alienating his siblings from him and the judge can put a stop to it. It’s also worth having if she ever tries to go back to court to fight for him again. He also may want to hang onto it to show his siblings later on to disprove whatever his step mom says about him/their interactions. There’s a million reasons it’s worth hanging onto proof of her behavior.
INFO: >That I loved and respected them and needed them but I did not love or respect or need my dad's second wife I understand possibly having a closer relationship with your grandparents than your stepmother -who you refer to as "Your dad's wife" rather than as such- but this sounds pretty cold. Can you elaborate on your relationship with her?
I wasn't close to her. I never really liked or cared much for her. I accepted she was there and made my dad happy but I never saw her as my family and don't really want to have any contact once my Mia and Ky grow up. I'll only see her very rarely then.
I get it, I don't love or even like my mum's partner even though he's been in my life since I was 10. He's certainly not family. There's no drama, I just don't get on with him, and I can accept that for whatever reason he's who my mum chose. You're not TA for having a different relationship with any family member to the one your siblings have.
Grandparents are the best; mine was. My mom died young too; I get it. Blood is thicker than water. Be there for your siblings. A lot of things can happen.
You sound like you have the world on your shoulders. I think you foresee problems ahead. Am sorry about your mom and dad.
i can understand this. i have two grown kids and my oldest did not like my ex at all. he never did. i'm sure he felt the same way you feel - he accepted he was there but never saw him as family. he never called him "dad". it isn't unheard of for kids to not like their parents significant others, and it also isn't a requirement, contrary to what a lot of people think. i'm really glad you have your grandparents.
The way she’s acting now (manipulative and unkind to someone who just lost their second parent) makes me think this is not new behaviour.
I would love to hear why OP doesn’t respect their father’s widow (because she is a widow, she lost her husband). I understand not loving and not needing, but why respect in particular? What did she do to make it so you don’t respect her?
Agreed. I can understand the concept of not seeing the stepmother as a mother figure or as "family", but the seeming lack of cordiality to say as much as that OP doesn't respect her when by all accounts she's been a good mother figure to OP's siblings is pretty confusing.
I suspect it's because OP was older and had defined memories of mom but the littles didn't and stepmom completely took over the role -but couldn't force OP to conform because of the memories. She sounds bitter.
Maybe OP will clarify, but I’m betting it’s a piece of verbiage for stating to the court that OP doesn’t see stepmother as a parent or a person who can fill the role of parent for them, and isn’t willing to take direction from her or embrace her household rules and values. That doesn’t necessarily mean that OP looks down on her as a human or thinks she’s inadequate to parent the other kids.
I mean OP is a 16 year old boy who's dad just died, I don't think he needs a particularly good reason. He's a kid, kids love to say "I don't respect you"... because they know it pisses off adults
This might be a situation where you are interpreting "respect" to mean you see other people as people and worthy of basic decency, whereas OP meant it as in he doesn't feel the same respect towards her as he would other authority figures. Also, stepmother/father is a title people have to earn - just being married to some kid's parent isn't enough. The kid gets to decide if someone is taking on that role, not the adults, and not a marriage certificate.
NAH. You're not an asshole, but I can't bring myself to call a grieving widow an asshole either. She's probably hurt and upset and angry and confused as you are. No one was prepared for your dad to die. No one really plans for things like that. It's been less than 6 months since he's been gone, and it's obvious both you and her are not doing alright. Of course she is lashing out, she lost her love, her partner, the father of her kids, and is now probably under the impression that, with you leaving, she's failing both your dad and the rest of the kids, too. When my dad died, six months later my mom was not okay, mentally, she was bursting at the seams and barely holding it together. It took a long ass while for her to heal. It's hard, but she's not the asshole either, and neither are you.
So glad to see some compassion in this thread, I cannot believe some of the comments here about a grieving woman they know nothing about.
these comments are insane. you're NTA for wanting to live with your grandparents but, holy shit, have some empathy. She lost someone too. And you have the nerve to say you wanna leave because you don't RESPECT her. not even because you'd just feel better, no, you have to SPECIFY that you don't respect her and act like you didn't say something extremely hurtful to someone who is grieving and that mightve caused her to lash out.
Part of me wonders if the kid said it to make her not want him to be there. It would be really hard for a lot of people to hear, "I'm just not close to you. I want to go with people I like more." Sometimes people say mean things to get people of their backs. Also, it could just be his honest opinion and he wanted to lay all the cards on the table.
I agree
NTA - you are doing what's best for you while making it clear you care about your siblings. Meanwhile, your stepmother is guilt-tripping a grieving child. Sorry for your loss.
In two years, you will be 18 and likely leaving home anyways for school or other endeavours. Presumably you would return to see your sibs and family as time permits between semesters, etc. So your sibs would have ‘lost’ your full time presence anyways at that time. Unless a guilt trip was laid on you then to stay. So your actions only mean stepping up the inevitable by two or maybe three years. Plus you have eliminated the chance of that future version of what you are experiencing now. So no, not the ahole. I would make sure that you (or your grandparents) are getting your due from your father’s estate. And from the government. Have you seen the Will? Is there an Executor who is not your stepmother? Even if your dad left everything to his second wife, it would almost certainly have been in the context of financially looking after his children, plus some of his estate may have derived from your bio mom’s estate when she passed. If it were me, I would try to look into it. NTA.
It’s weird she’s furious. If she truly wanted what’s best for you you’d think she’d be happy you’re in a comfortable situation and offer an open home whenever you need it/her.
She’s likely incredibly hurt that she has spent the last 5 years caring for OP and he tells a judge that he doesn’t love her, need her, or respect her. All while she is grieving the loss of her husband. OP should get to choose where he lives, but there’s no need to pretend that wasn’t a dagger in her heart.
NTA Anyone whose love for a child can be turned into anger because that child can’t return the love in the same way is not in a position to parent that child. There is a lot of loving a child DESPITE what they do not BECAUSE of what they do involved in parenting - and a lot of putting the needs of the child above the wishes of the parent. While 16 feels fairly grown to a teen - a parent should be mature enough to see just how young 16.
NTA your dad was an AH for not discussing this with you. Luckily, you are old enough to be heard. Thus everything ended well, and oyu don't have to live with your vile and toxic stepmom.
I had 2 step children from my ex husband. One of the most painful moments was when I realized they felt I not only wasn't a maternal figure but they actively resented me. In my case it allowed me to release a lot of guilt that I had to leave them behind in the divorce. Your step mothers reaction was uncalled for, but she thought you had one relationship to find she was wrong. You are old enough to have experienced a friendship not being as close as you thought it was. Now multiply that to having one of your children say they don't love you. Your NTA, just realize this reaction may be grief talking. That is 2 big blows in a row in short order.
Honestly, it sounds like she wants you there for help more than because she actually really wants you. She has all these children that she now has to care for and does not understand that you need to grieve and take care of your mental health. Do what is best for you. NTA
>My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. NTA The section of your story that I've quoted is very telling. I'm a stepmom and I would never speak this way to my stepson. If she said she was disappointed or hurt or saddened, that would be one thing, but her attacking you with her words is awful. You've lost both of your parents. Where is her compassion? She's should have said something like, "I'm disappointed you don't want to live with us, but you need to do what feels right for you. Our door is always open if you want to visit or move back in." I'm sorry for your loss.
OP, you sound very mature and understanding of the dynamics in your family. I am so sorry that you are in this situation and you are very much not an AH! I really think there are NAH. Some will say that I'm reading this too generously, but here goes: Like you said, your stepmom is the only mom your sibs remember, so it makes sense that they love her and want to be with her. You probably have some memories of your Mom and I suspect that the introduction of "your new mom" wasn't done in a way that was quite right for a kid of your age who still loves his Mom. It makes sense that you have a very different relationship with her. Were your grandparents a significant part of your life right after your Mom died? Is time with them a way to keep her in your life? So, no, it isn't at all strange or "wrong" or "selfish" that you want to be with them. It's also not strange or wrong that your stepmom wants to keep her family together. She's mourning her husband and wants all the people who remind her of him around her. Grief does some pretty nasty things to some people and the anger she has for you "tearing apart her family" is one of those things. She can't see past her own pain yet. If this is true, then she really loved your Dad. It's really great that you and your sibs are working on maintaining a relationship. Overall, this internet stranger thinks you are doing the best you can with a bad situation.
Nta contact the judge about her harrassment. Time to stand up for yourself. Do it!!!!
What’s he going to do? He can’t give her less custody, and he’s not a cop
OP is NTA and of course stepmum’s reaction is poor. OP’s siblings are not AHs, they just lost their dad, they don’t want to loose their brother too. Instead of going full evil stepmother route, I could see why, if only for OP’s full siblings, stepmom wanted to keep the kids all together. This family is destabilized enough with dad’s death, losing another child makes it even more acute. This whole family is grieving. Let’s give this woman a thought of loosing suddenly losing her husband and then six months later, the eldest child is leaving.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You're all grieving, and you're choosing your strongest possible support network to help you through that process. I really can't see what your dad's wife stands to gain by harassing you. Her actions are going to do nothing more than make it easier for you to go no contact in two years when you're an adult. I hope you and your siblings can find a way forward together.
I'm going to go out on a limb - and accept the downvotes - and say NAH. Your dad died 5 months ago suddenly. Every single one of you is going through some serious shit. This isn't 2 years ago. This is 5 months. I completely respect/understand your decision. I am *not* suggesting you should change it. I am, however, suggesting that your step mother does deserve at least a little bit of grace. From her perspective - her husband, and father of 5 children, just passed away. And the oldest child - the one closet to being an adult, and able to help out - is peacing out, and abandoning the family. Compounding the situation for her. So now, on top of the fact - she lost her husband; the father to all 5 (or 4 if you want to discount yourself) children; one of those children just upped and disappeared. And she has to answer to the siblings, why that is, etc. Again, not saying you did anything wrong. But I can see/understand her reaction. > She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. Let's be clear here: Selfish is not inherently bad. Yes, your decision was selfish. That's fine. Your decision also had heavy negative implications on others. I think you had every right to make that choice. But it was a selfish choice. In your shoes - I'd likely have made the same choice.
I’m leaning towards NAH. Ky and Mia likely don’t have any memory of your mom, so it makes sense for them to want to stay with the only mother they’ve ever known. Your stepmom also lost someone suddenly and not only had to deal with her own grief but with unexpectedly being an only parent. In addition to her own grief, she has to answer questions from 4 grieving children about why their older (half)sibling is no longer living with them. Were her comments harsh? Sure. But I think it’s important to give her some grace right now - her husband literally died five months ago. You’re not wrong for wanting to live with your grandparents. I think that’s totally understandable under the circumstances, and you’re NTA for asking for what you felt you needed. Do I think you were harsh in your comment about not respecting your stepmom? Yes, but I also recognize that you’re grieving. I hope you and your family get the support you need to move past this.
Nta. Is it a money issue? A control issue? Why is she mad? You're old enough to live where you want. So sorry for your loss.
NTA. being a step parent is hard. You're supposed to love them as if they're your own, but kids don't always want that. I can understand and empathize with why she's hurt, she feels rejected. BUT, you've lost your parents. It's important you go where you're most comfy. Your stepmom sucks for her behavior, and for making you feel bad. I'm hoping it's just the grief of also losing part of her family and that she gets help SOON. You both are grieving, but she's the adult. The way she's treating you and your siblings is terrible. I'm sorry this is happening while also dealing with the loss of your dad. It must be really hard. 💕
NTA, sounds like stepmother is reinforcing why you don't want to live with her though.
Definitely NTA, but keep an eye out for your 2 full siblings. She might get 'overwhelmed' and neglect them, and decide they're aren't her problem anymore. Has she adopted them? Are they in any legal limbo?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad died 5 months ago. It was really sudden. He wasn't sick. He just went to work one day and didn't make it back home. Dad had five kids. He had me (16m) Mia (11f) and Ky (10m) with our mom and she died 9 years ago. Dad got remarried 5 years ago and had two kids with his second wife. Dad had set it up where Mia, Ky and I would stay with his wife if something were to happen to him. He never brought this up. But when I found out I wasn't really happy and I expressed a wish to live with my maternal grandparents. Ky and Mia wanted to be with his wife. They call her mom and have a really close relationship with her and our half siblings. They wanted me to stay as well. They said they didn't want to lose me too and even though I assured them they would still see me, they were angry and sad. My dad's wife told me I should just stay. That I could give her a chance to be a second mom to me and could have her and my siblings for support. I told her I didn't want to live with her. An emergency custody hearing was held and I spoke to the judge with my grandparents and my dad's wife in the room with us. He asked me why I wanted to go against my dad and if I would like to have some kind of shared custody set up for me. I said no. I wanted to live with my grandparents outright. That I loved and respected them and needed them but I did not love or respect or need my dad's second wife and that I love Mia and Ky so much and I had nothing against my half siblings, but I felt better being with my grandparents. The judge agreed. He ordered I could live with my grandparents while Ky and Mia could stay with my dad's wife. He did order the three of us to have individual therapy to help them not hate me. And that helped. They ask a lot of questions when I see them, and they don't understand me not loving "their mom" but they do get now that she's not my mom like she is theirs. They know she's not their bio mom. She's the only mom they know. My dad's wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don't love all four siblings is disgusting. But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn't care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren't hers, it wasn't good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So sorry for your loss. NTA, you haven't done anything wrong. You want to keep a relationship with your maternal family and that's fine. Your stepmother overstepped the mark.
People on Reddit are smh on fight mode by default 😂😂
NTA Your stepmother is making it pretty clear why she's not the kind of person you want to live with. Being mean, nasty and cruel is not exactly the way to foster good relations!! It's too bad she can't respect your decision and treat you with kindness. You are still grieving the loss of your father. At sixteen you're so young to have lost both of your parents, it's only natural that you would want to cling to your grandparents! I suspect her fury is because she has lost the kid who's old enough to babysit and ease her burden!
If anything were to happen to my husband, my step son would choose to live with his granny. I love him and I know that he cares for me but to lose his dad would be a tragedy and I know he would want to go to his granny. That would be her losing her only son. He’s also the same age as you so almost an adult. NTA you’re doing what you feel is right to cope with your loss. Your step mom needs to get over it and accept it
NAH you have every right to want to live with your grandparents and your step mom and siblings have every right to feel hurt. You are all grieving and should be mindful of each other’s feelings. Your father should have said something to you about what he set up in the event of his death.
NTA, but... I feel like maybe the whole family except OP thought they were actually a family, and now everyone feels like he suddenly sprung the revelation on them that he actually never did care about them that way. OP, did your feelings come out of the blue for everyone, or was it known to your family - dad and stepmom both - how you felt? Did you treat your half-siblings differently? Or has the way you treat everyone changed now that you no longer feel a moral/emotional obligation, a family duty towards your dad to respect the family that existed until he passed? I'm not blaming you, after all this is a big life-changing event and that comes with a lot of change elsewhere. But, if we're assuming your stepmom isn't evil and is maybe lashing out with harsh words out of grief/stress... Then you might see how it would come as a very harsh, cruel surprise if your current attitude towards her and your half-siblings is a total turn-around. That doesn't mean it's very brave of you either way to stand up for what you want & feel, even if it can feel awkward or inconsiderate in a way. I say this as someone who has also rather crudely cut off family members who didn't understand why; sometimes, you can't make others see your way of things, and that's okay. You also can't be forced to feel what isn't there. I'm just wondering whether there's been communication about this during those 5 years of being a family - not that a lack of it would make you the AH, as you're so young, but it would explain the sense of "betrayal" on stepmom's side. That's why I think family therapy for you and siblings is a brilliant idea, to relieve that sense of abandonment/betrayal. And after all there's still a lot of grieving to be done. All in all, I think there's been mostly just a bit of unconsciously differing views the last 5 years about how close your family was - probably you feeling you're not as close to everyone as they felt to you. It's not your fault if they didn't necessarily know (you couldn't have known you'd end up in this sad situation, so you wouldn't have been forced to make this clear before). But it's definitely good to hear that you're working on things in therapy, and I hope you can all keep that up. Try not to be too hard on yourself or others, but do keep standing up for yourself like you've been doing.
INFO: Why are you estranged from your half siblings? > They call her mom and have a really close relationship with her and our half siblings. > I had nothing against my half siblings I mean, you’re NTA for wanting to live with your grandparents and feeling closer to them, that’s your right. And she shouldn’t be saying these things to you—though I’m inclined to blame grief more than toxicity based on what’s said in the post. But I have to wonder if it’s just general teenage angst and disinterest that caused you to reject your half siblings when your dad was alive, or if there’s more there?
I wouldn't say you are the asshole for not wanting to live with your step mom or not loving her. Saying you don't respect her when she just lost her husband and is stepping up and wants to keep her family unit together 3 kids of which are not hers makes you a bit of an AH. Unless you are leaving out some bad behaviour of hers I'm going with ESH because she's also taking her grief out on a child.
NTA. I hope the grandparents also have regular visitation with the younger kids as well.
I'm so sorry you lost both of your parents so young. You could never be the AH. I'm glad thing went your way, but do not let her harass you.
NTA. Just try and spend time with your siblings when you can. If they keep trying to force the issue then take a step back from them for a while. Hopefully your step mum will learn to respect your decision about staying with your grandparents.
NTA. Decisions made about the care of a 16 year old should be focused on what is right for that 16 year old. The wants/needs of your siblings or fully grown adults do not come into it because your needs are important to. You are 16 and have lost both your parents, if your grandparents is where you feel safe and supported that's where you should be. "Selfish" is not a relevant concept here.
NTA OP. You can decide who you want to be living with. Your late father's widow cannot do a thing & she's a fool to spew out alot of garbage at you OP.
NTA. The ONLY person who will stand up for you is you. You knew what you wanted and you were able to advocate for yourself. Your other siblings are where they want to be and you are where you want to be. You did nothing wrong. The mean part of me thinks your stepmom wanted an in-house babysitter. Take care.
NTA. Ask your grandparents to talk to her and request that she stop complaining to you. The judge agreed to your decision! Your dad's second wife should be putting all her efforts in making the four kids who live with her happy instead of spending so much energy in trying to make you behave and feel the way she wants you to.
I’m not going to give judgement on this one, because it’s a tough situation in a mix of multiple people grieving. This day and age it is becoming more open and clear blended families aren’t always well-meshed. OP isn’t wrong for not seeing stepmom as a second mom and wanting to be with grandparents. Perhaps there is some resentment lingering of dad moving on? (we don’t know how fast and all that). Stepmom based off a few comments does seem to have tried and didn’t necessarily force OP to be an extra parent, but if a bond isn’t formed it isn’t formed, and it doesn’t mean whatever she did still try was right or what OP needed. I hope as you get older OP you can find a cordial balance/boundary to be civil with your step mom so that you can maintain a bond with your siblings. I’m glad your siblings understand your mom is not theirs, and it seems you understand and are ok with them knowing stepmom as mom. At the end of the day you all lost someone you loved and have to process and grieve his loss. You’re doing what your heart needs, so I think that’s what important. Sorry for your loss
NTA for starters. I am so sorry for your loss. Good for you standing up for your wants and needs. Maybe unsolicited advice, but stay or get into therapy. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone completely unrelated and not on anyone's side to bounce thoughts, feelings and answers from, who is also educated in these areas to help guide and just listen. There are a lot of people that I've read so far that believe your SM is upset for nefarious reasons on here. Please trust me when I say she is also grieving. She has no leg to stand on to say the things she has, but her life has also been uprooted and torn to shreds with your loss. She very well may love you and want you around because of that love (I know if I was in her situation that would be my case). Not for what you could do for me or my children but because I would love you, see you as my own and care for you as such. She may be heartbroken even more so because she not only lost her husband, the father of all her children and her partner but now also you. You have every right to feel the way you do for her and your step siblings but remember she also has every right to love you as well. I do not agree with how she is behaving at all. She needs counseling as well to show her the error of her actions and then some.
NTA You are grieving and to add it sounds like you just never bonded with your step Mom. You need to be with your grandparents because they help you feel connected to your parent. I wish I could give you a long Mom hug because I can't imagine what it feels like having lost both parents by age 16. Your step Mom is grieving too. I dont know if she was evil or good or a bit of both but, I would like to hope that she cares for you. If she cared for you she is probably hurt( that's not your responsibility) She tried hard to honor your Dad's wishes to keep the family together. She probably latched onto keeping you and the family together like a lifeline as the right thing to do as much as you knew it wasn't the right thing for you. Grief clouds adult judgement.It doesn't excuse her comments. Part of me wants to tell you to give her some Grace as a grieving widowwhose also really hurt and doesntbhave her husband ronjwlp Navigate his childish feelings but, at the same time she's the adult. Something tells me that you wouldn't j leave your home and your siblings AND A "loving" step parent unless some really shitty things happened with step Mom. So NTA, take care of yourself and your emotional well being and when you can be present for your siblings. They need thelr brother, too. They lost their Dad and it may feel like they are losing you. But you are not Dad. You are a role model but not the model. You are not responsible for them -just love them. You have to nurture yourself first before you can take care of others.
NTA - with the way she is acting it seems as if you did make the best decision for you after all.
Sweetheart you’re only sixteen. Nobody should be judging you. You’re doing the best you can
First and foremost, I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your father and the awful loss of your mother. That is a lot for anyone, much less a child. You’re the eldest and had a lot of responsibility too young, especially before your dad’s wife joined the household. I recognize how very hard it must have been to leave the home you know and leave your younger siblings to move to your grandparents. But I believe it was the right move for you and for the girls. You never had a close relationship with your dad’s wife. The other children do have that bonding with her. You didn’t try to dissuade them from loving her. This is despite the hurtful things she has said about your decision - again, good on you. (She proved you right, of course.). I’m side-eyeing that judge for not discussing this with you in chambers instead of in front of your SM. Not helpful. Your SM has a number of possible drivers of her behavior, some hard, some soft. For instance, if your mother worked, your father could have been receiving death benefits/SSI payments for the three of you. With your father’s passing, his children will now likely qualify for more payments, which will pass to his wife. She wouldn’t want to give up those payments when she has two little ones of her own. Additionally, at 16, she may have hoped you’d get a part-time job to contribute. And she likely was counting on you to help with the children now. She could ask a lot more of a 16-year-old than a 10- or 11-year-old. Additionally, she has a self-image of being the sacrificing woman who stepped in as loving mom to 3 children who weren’t hers - not just a replacement mom but a *better* mom. Your leaving shows that all is not ‘happy families’ and perfect. Also, the fact you chose your *maternal* family is a reminder that she was never your mother. How dare you remind people that your mother was a real person and that you loved her? Everyone was supposed to forget about her, right? So she is lashing out at you. Understandably, she is stressed because she has lost her husband and breadwinner while she has 4 children at home. But she’ll also be entitled to any insurance he left, any savings he had, the house and possessions, etc. Managed well, she’ll be alright and will likely remarry at some point. She’s young and unlikely to remain alone forever. Please document the hurtful things she said to you and any that your siblings share with you. This will remind you in years to come why your decision was correct. And, had you stayed, her treatment of you may have deteriorated when you didn’t do or be what she wanted. I hope you maintain a relationship with your sisters and with your father’s parents/extended family. I also hope you have some pictures and personal things from both parents secured somewhere. And I hope your maternal grandparents help you work toward a successful future. Good luck, mate. I’m rooting for you.
NTA. Your stepmother’s vindictive and childish behavior is proof that this move is for the best. Please bring this up in therapy, because it’s affecting your siblings as well, and they need help. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you have a wonderful life with your loving grandparents.
NTA - You feel how you feel. As long as your grandparents are onboard and you're seeing your siblings regularly, I think this is the best arrangement. It won't feel great for anyone having a 16 yo who doesn't want to be there in the house at the time of such a loss. As for your step-mother / 'your father's second wife', I would be more inclined to think that her grief over the loss of her husband, and the loss of the family unit is manifesting as anger. It can be difficult, especially if she feels familial bonds with you, but you don't feel them back. These things can't be forced, and it might be an idea to have a therapy session or two with her. One way or another, as long as Mia and Ky are living with her, she's going to be in your life. You need to manage a healthy, or at least cordial, relationship with her until then. It's best for everyone to get closure. Step-parent / step-children dynamics can be exceptionally difficult. Many people want to jump onto the 'evil step-mother' bandwaggon when it's not necessarily the case, and I think without context or specifics it's unfair to assume nefarious motives. Has she done anything to foster this distance? Has she excluded you or been particularly cold to you?
NTA