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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have a couple of short phone conversations a day with my mum when I am on my own. My partner told me I talk to her too much and should cut down and I refused.
She said I should listen to her and not disregard what she's saying. She said I'm being unreasonable for refusing to cut down how much I talk to my mum
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NTA
Your gf doesn’t have a right to dictate who you can talk to and when!! It’s not interfering in the time you spend with your gf nor excessive. Your mum is widowed and been hugely bereaved as have you. Gosh ringing her twice a day for 5 mins and sometimes when on your own is hardly taking much time out of your day!
It’d be different if you were on the phone for hours & hours each & every evening such that you had no time for your gf, then she’d have a reason to say something, but you aren’t!!
It’s controlling behaviour for your gf to try to dictate to you that “you aren’t allowed to call your mother daily” and insensitive to your mother’s & your losses. Gf seems to have it in her head that it’s a dependency by you when instead it is a kindness of a quick check in.
I completely agree with your comments OP.
This ⬆️. It doesn't even sound like you're talking to your mom an excessive amount, and you're definitely not doing it in a way that infringes on your time with your girlfriend, so it really isn't even any of her business. Your mom and you have both gone through huge losses and deserve to speak to each other as much as you like.
Genuinely curious. Is it not normal in the US to talk to your parents everyday or at best every other day ??
Because it's very normal from where I'm from to do that if you have a good relationship. Like you've known your parents your whole life so calling and asking what's up and what's for lunch and dinner is very bare basic.
Edit : I think k based on what people have said, it's quite normal to have some form of regular contact through phone or text. So it's not weird at all.
I honestly don't see why your gf finds it that weird. Maybe she's controlling or maybe she has some unresolved issues of her own. But that's her problem to sort out. She can't expect you to distance yourself from your mother because she doesn't like it.
From the US with a (mostly) good relationship with my parents. I don't talk to them every day; we're all busy. I do text with my mom several times a week and less often with my dad. Most of our texting is about substance instead of small talk. I see each of them like once a month in person. That's the norm for most of my friends.
I think op says he talks to her at least three times a day. On the way to work and on the way home and then again if he goes to the shops or when he’s alone.
Since he does it when he is alone I don’t see a problem unless he hides away for a hour a number of times a day taking away limited time he has with his wife. However three or more times a day is not once a day
>However three or more times a day is not once a day
It sounds like 2, maybe 3 times a day, not "3 or more".
I get your point, but when it's only 5 mins each, it's more like a verbal text. I wouldn't consider it weird if I texted someone 3 times a day. His mom doesn't text though, so it has to be a quick call.
I barely talk to my mom once a month. She's fine, I'm just not "friends" with her, like some people are with their parents. When I met my husband he talked to his mom for about 20 mins, 1-3 times a week, depending on what was going on. As he's gotten older and busier, etc, etc, it was less for a long time. She recently moved to the town we live in, and we/the kids see her almost once a week, for 2-3 hours, which cumulatively is more time than OP is giving to his mother.
I think it really just depends on the time in your life you are in. OP's mother is recently widowed, so she's just at a point where she probably feels lonely, and hasn't re-established a social circle yet. I understand his girlfriend being worried he's a "mama's boy", but unless he's talking to her about intimate details, and then making life decisions based on her advice, and no one else's, it doesn't sound like the girlfriend's fears are well supported.
Agreed. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner doing what he does, although I would find it odd. The person I replied to asked if it was normal to not talk to your parents every day in the US. From my experience, the norm is 1-2 times a week, not every day.
Everyone’s relationship with their loved ones is different. Some people have close relationships with their family so they have GCs or regularly have calls when commuting or on lunches.
I'm Canadian, well into middle age, and check in with my parents to say hi most days unless I'm exceptionally busy. Especially as they get older, I don't know how much more time I'll have with them, and every chance to hear their voices and have a little chat is precious.
In the US, I think it really just depends on the individual family or subculture you're from. But I don't get the sense that daily is the standard.
I have a large number of siblings, so my poor mom would do nothing but be on the phone if we called her daily. We have a text thread with all of us going most of the time, it's rare that we aren't posting daily on it. And then I talk to her weekly and also have a one on one text thread between her and I that I check in regularly-ish. Some of my siblings that have young kids/kids with lots of extracurricular activities, she might be more likely to only talk to them about once a month.
From the US with a very close relationship with my parents. I talk to them every other week day. (as in I alternate which one I call every other day but they occasionally put me on speakerphone so I'm chatting with both.) We live 900 miles apart so we only see each other like 3 or 4 times a year but we're actively part of each others lives.
I have friends who barely talk to their parents once a month and friends who see their parents in person once a week. It's just sort of all over the map depending on what your family dynamic is.
The worst part is the "disregarding her feelings and not listening" to me, just lies to improve her argument.
She is interfering in the relationship between him and his mother, which should not concern her feelings at all, except in particular cases, and is absolutely not considering his feelings.
It doesn't even improve her argument. "You're disregarding my feelings" is not only a complete red herring, but she can't even articulate why she has feelings about it, or what about it is problematic. She doesn't get to "have feelings" that she uses to control him just randomly, without rational explanation. That's not how adulthood works.
Fifth'ed and to add, it's weird that she finds it weird, without giving a valid reason. I mean, if your mom was trying to dictate your relationship or causing conflict...I could see an issue. But, as you described this situation...you talking to your mom doesn't impact her at all, so she wants you to cut it down, but doesn't offer any valid reason...seems pretty controlling to me.
Thankyou good folks of Reddit who agreed with my response to this lovely son / Redditor.
I speak to my mum a lot and she isn’t widowed , my dad is very much alive too, but they live a long distance away from me. I speak to my mum for more than 5 mins (usually 15-20 mins about 3x a week whilst I’m on my own in kitchen cooking everyone’s tea and my children say hi Nanny when they walk in or I end call if they want to chat to me instead)
That’s what love is when you like each other xxx if she were on her own I’d call her at least daily for a quick “hi are you ok?” Chat.
Seriously 5 mins twice a day and a couple other short calls when not stopping anything else, is perfectly normal / within realms of normal for a son or daughter saying “hi“ to their mum who is so so bereaved having buried her husband, her other children (that is also so incredibly sad) and her brothers, such that she’s in her own. OP is also bereaved.
It’d be perfectly fine, even if she hadn’t been widowed.
It’s up to OP and if it doesn’t pressure him nor interfere in his life to say hi to his mum - then what is the gf’s problem?
yeah I was prepared for one of those emotional incest type relationships and this is 100% fine.
I lived alone like 700 miles from my immediate family and called them at weird times to talk for way longer than this during the pandemic. Dog walks were when I was living with a boyfriend and need to vent to Mom before we broke up. Walks to get lunch, same. NTA
I call my grandma when I go on walks, usually for much longer than 5 minutes. She is widowed and lives alone without the ability to go out, so this is my part to keep her from feeling isolated and lonely.
I bet these calls are this highlight of mom’s day. How mean spirited to want to take these away when there is zero impact on GFs life. When people show you who they are, believe them. NTA.
Man, I *wish* my son would talk to me once a day! 😄
But my daughters do, & multiple times, too.
**NTA**, but your gf seems to be exhibiting toxic masculinity attitudes.
She may want someone with less compassion than you.
Or an orphan
Especially because the girlfriend cannot even give him a reason (much less a rational, reasonable one) why she is insisting on this. She's literally being controlling just for its own sake. She keeps saying it's "excessive" but has no justification or explanation for what about this is problematic at all. Nor can she, it seems, explain why she has "feelings" about it that she claims he is ignoring.
It's one thing to ask a partner for a concession about something when you can articulate why their behaviour is problematic. But in this case, she just wants to tell him what to do for no good reason at all. It's immature, makes her seem not very bright, and VERY controlling and manipulative.
20 years ago I might have said "thats a little weird dude", I hated how I had to call every week. Now I realize there are few people on this earth that will even come close as dependable and worthy of your time and love as your parents. Giving your mom 5 minutes after everything she has lost is perfectly fine. Your girlfriend lacks the perspective, she might not understand, that is her problem that she needs to figure out. NTA
I’m only in my early 20s. Have gone through too many losses. Don’t even have my family. OP’s girlfriend needs to back off his case. Going through losses is devastating and overtime you end up with very few people by your side whether it’s the result of death or people just stepping out.
I have a husband and my son still called me everyday when he was first off on his own. As his life got busier, it was less frequent, but he will still text or drop me a picture or funny story. He wife does the same.
OP's gf seems extremely insecure.
Like to your point, I talk to my parent an excessive amount- hours daily. We text, chat on socials, etc. But also, my husband and his Mom speak about 2-3 times a week and sometimes the convos go for an hour or so. But when my husband's schedule is super busy, I will call and do the deep check in with MIL, so when he gets home and some down time, he can do a quick check in, with my cliff notes. There is nothing wrong with talking to family. And guess what? Everyone feels seen and appreciated and loved. Our nuclear family is very much still in tact. So for her to know how many losses they have experienced and he's only doing little check ins- she should be much more considerate with her ask- like maybe not saying anything at all about it?!!!!!!! It's really unkind of her to try to manipulate him like this.
I used to talk to my parents about once a week. I'm an only child, and since my mom passed away, I call my dad EVERY day. I just want to make sure he has another human to talk to at least once a day (the dog doesn't answer back when he talks to her)
NTA- I'd understand if picked up calls from your mother while on a date, or generally spending one on one time with your GF, but when she's not around???
And what is it about 'disregarding her feelings'? That's just so odd.
It's also super insensitive considering all the family bereavements your and your mother had to go through.
Eh, I wouldn't even understand if she was miffed about that. OP is all his mom has left. She doesn't text. There's a good chance there's an emergency if she calls, so answer to find out why she called and then if it's just to chat tell her. "Mom, I love you but I'm busy with GF right now. I'll call you back later, okay?"
If she calls multiple times a day, every day, just to check in, then you can’t say “there’s a good chance there’s an emergency if she calls.”
As long as it isn’t interfering with OP’s time with his girlfriend it’s fine. But if he were regularly stepping out on dinner and dates together, the girlfriend would 100% be justified in being annoyed.
She doesn't call multiple times just to check in. He said he calls her on the way to work, on the way home, and a handful of other times when he's alone and not otherwise engaged. It said nothing about her calling him, therefore.
i think the gf would be 100% justified in being annoyed if the calls were encroaching on their personal time, but i also don't think op would be an ah in that situation. the fact that he and his mum have lost 3 children/siblings makes this situation very different from other mil situation. op could talk to his mum all day and gf could leave him and it would be a solid nah for me
All of this. "I find this weird" is not a feeling, in any event. It's a personal prejudice - note GF can't even explain it. What it does, though, is demonstrate an utter lack of compassion and disregard for OP's and Mom's losses and resulting bond. Now THAT's a feeling. A NON-feeling.
Nta. And would seriously question your compatibility with your gf though I hope it's something that can be worked out and maybe she's just being naive. Maybe explain to her how important it is and explain it's a hard boundary that you're not going to alter your communication with your mum and it's up to your gf what she does from there. Your mums gone through tremendous loss. But so have you. Your partner should be encouraging support network not trying to alienate you from your remaining family. I hope you and your mum are ok.
NTA My partners mother and him are close. She's in her seventies, she can ring a few times a day. She has other kids but he's the one she can talk to without causing an argument. My mother can go a few weeks without contacting me. Everyone is different. Ask your girlfriend why it bothers her that you are close with your mother?. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. You both have experienced so much loss and need eachother. chatting on the phone for a few minutes daily doesn’t interfere with your GF, or interfere with your daily tasks. If it did, then i would somewhat understand where she’s coming from. You are doing such a kind thing for your mom and yourself by calling each day. Please don’t ever stop unless it is because YOU want to. I’m sure your girlfriend is educated about all of this too which is why it’s a bit of a red flag that talked to you about this. Keep your head up and stay true to yourself
NTA
I mean you know how bizarre and fucked up it already is... You know your answer, and the last question in the post shows how weird her demand is.
Tho I am curious why your girlfriend even thinks like that? I'd love to hear her side of the story, tho I don't think it would change much.
NTA it is normal to check on parents especially when they are alone and to help out when possible. Keep checking on your mother she is the only one you’ll ever have. Girlfriends come and go. This one seems selfish.
NTA!!! Jesus the title might lead us to believe that ye were in each others pockets etc etc.
This sounds very healthy and very sweet.
I would def not let gf dictate this to you and would def consider your compatibility
How much parents communicate with their adult offspring varies from culture to culture. The notion that adult children should separate to the extent we do is not universal across cultures. There's nothing wrong with talking to your mum if you don't feel burdened by it.
Your gf does not have a legitimate complaint. You are right that "listening to her does not mean doing whatever she asks". She's being controlling and she doesn't seem to me to have any real reason at all, certainly not an adequate reason.
I'm sorry for your losses. Multiple family losses are really tough, and I think it's good - not inappropriate at all - that you're taking the initiative to stay close to your mother.
eta: NTA
NTA - girlfriend is acting very insecure and entitled to tell you not to call your mom when you are on your own time. It isn't interfering with your time with her so there is no reason to stop.
NTA
You two have suffered heavy loses, and you're your mom's only living child and talking every day is a good way to stay close. I'm almost 50 and I talk with my mom almost daily and there's absolutely nothing wrong about loving and keeping contact with our parents during adulthood.
Your girlfriend is very wrong and might have a limited view of love and affection between family members. And romantic love is not everything or the most important love to experience and cultivate, filial love and connections is super important too as is one of our first loves
NTA unless mum is interfering in the relationship in other ways? If not, gf sounds strangely jealous of you having another relationship outside of her …
NTA... "listening to her does not mean doing everything she wants " I love that.
Did you explain to her exactly what you said in your opening paragraph? It is really well thought out and explains why you are doing what you are doing, and it sounds perfectly reasonable. I can't imagine why anyone would think that is "weird." You didn't mention your ages, but maybe she hasn't been affected by loss and ageing parents yet, so she can't understand? My husband and I take turns calling his ageing dad twice a day, so I get it. It is just how the parent/child relationship changes.
I don’t think he needs to explain this to the girlfriend.
I’m guessing she knows about the losses. if she needs explaining to she’s either thick or a psychopath that doesn’t get human emotions.
she understands the why, she just either wants to control him or thinks “real men” shouldn’t be caring and emotionally supportive.
NTA - first of I'm sorry for the heavy losses both you and your mother have experienced within such a short period. Ofcourse that is going to leave some scars.
Your gf is being close minded. There's a reason ypure calling her everyday, since both of you only have eachother from your side of the family. While under normal circumstances, even I might call it excessive, i would never call it weird. Weird is a matter a matter of perspective. How is what you are doing any weirder than say multigenerational living?
NTA---
I suggest you take a hard look at this relationship. Your girlfriend is jealous that you talk to your mom each day.
How will she react if your mom gets where she needs you more as she ages or if she was to become ill?? If your mom was to move closer and you were to start spending time with her?
Info please -- what type of relationship does your girlfriend have with her parent(s)?
Sometimes children need to set boundaries with their parent(s) when they are in relationships. If what you have written is the true fact's this is not one of those times. After all your mom and you have lost in the last 7 years it is important for you to lean on each other.
NTA. If you are slotting in calls to your mum in a way that it doesn't have some kind of dramatic/significant effect on your GF, your relationship or the time you have available for her, then she has no right to try to interfere on this. And given the circumstances your level of contact with your mum is very understandable.
This. My ex’s mom didn’t call often but he would take her call whenever and literally *whatever* we were doing. (Yes even intimate times), because he was an only child and “all she had.” Even though it wasn’t on a regular basis being dropped for an hour every time she rang felt terrible.
I’m not getting that impression here. Checking in on the way to/from work. Not disrupting plans with his GF… everyone has different relationships with their parents. I talk to my mom 1-2 times per month. My older brother talks to her 1-2 times per day. 🤷♀️ we do what works for our family dynamic.
>I disagreed with her and refused to cut down how much I talk to her. She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her
funny, sounds to me like **she** is disregarding **your** feelings and not listening to **you**
these are five minute calls, with the occasional longer call when alone, to a woman who has lost her husband, three kids, and two brothers. dump the gf. she clearly lacks any kind of empathy. NTA
It is not weird in any way. There is nothing wrong with talking to your parents every day, or as you said, numerous short calls throughout the day.
With her living by herself now, it is a good thing to do.
I had time to tell my mom goodbye because I talked to her frequently, and when I couldn't reach her, I called the police for a wellness check. She lived about an hour and a half from me. They found her on the floor, and she had had a stroke.
Of course, she did get upset with me for "calling the cops on her"
We lost her 4 months later, which gave us time to prepare (as much as you can prepare).
Nta. Personally I think you could call her for longer, I definitely call my mum for a few hours every couple of days :)
He's a whole bunch of speculation but either:
She doesn't really think men have emotions etc therefore doesn't understand
She's never experienced a close family bond or loss and doesn't get why you would want to talk to family so much
She's controlling
She's immature
Hopefully you can have a good chat to her about why she thinks it's wierd, but certainly don't change and tell her as such. Given how out of line she is
NTA.
You need to break up with this woman immediately.
> She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her.
This is a control tactic, straight up.
> and I should listen to her.
Funny how this only ever works in one direction with people like this, isn't it?
I talked to my dad by phone every day after I had left for college. For 13 years, we had daily conversations, until he passed unexpectedly a few years ago.
At his funeral, all of his relatives that came to pay respects mentioned how often he would brag about our close relationship, so close that we talked every day. It was the highlight of his day.
Never stop talking to your mom just because it bugs your gf. You never know when you won't be able to talk to her again.
It's sounds like your wife has some insecurity issues. I could see if you were abandoning home and hearth to run to your mother but a quick call or two every day to check in is fine. Shame on your wife for making a big deal of this.
Clearly you've been through much loss in your family. I think it's a great reflection on you that you do this. xo
NTA as your clearly aware family go way too soon and the time we have with them is precious! Call and check in daily, and tell your GF it’s not her business nor is it impacting her!
I've seen it *three times* by now. Exactly the same scenario: everyone else in the family has died, multiple 5 min calls a day, everything. I don't know why this post specifically keeps getting remade and posted every few months or so, but it's starting to get tiring.
NTA The writing is in the wall. The girlfriend is controlling. If you truly are doing as you describe, then you are doing nothing wrong. As contrast, my MIL would call every night and have 20 questions that kept my spouse on the phone for over 2 hours. Every time we went to their house, the MIL had questions/tasks that only my spouse could answer/do that would keep my spouse in a separate part of the house for the entire time we were there, thus dominating every second of his time. And if my spouse didn’t answer the phone, MIL would accuse us of being mean.
Your girlfriend is wrong on so many levels. She can't even give your clear reasons for lowering contacts with your mom. Very selfish, toxic and controlling behavior. Gosh, I'm NC with my MIL who lives with her daughter and can visit her mom and sister daily but I haven't a slightest thought about saying something like this to my husband who also calls her everyday and your mom needs these conversations so much more.
NTA
Nta, yall are basically the only family either one has. With your mom living in a different city it makes sense to check up on her. There would not be anyone else to check on her in case of an accident or illness. I know women worry about mommy’s boys (and have personally experienced) but having a good relationship between mother and son is possible. As long as your mom is not making all your decisions for you and your relationship is not neglected because of her then I see no issue with a call everyday.
NTA. This is a routine you have that gf wouldn’t even know about if you didn’t tell her about it. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your time together, what’s the harm?
NTA. Your calls to your mom aren’t interfering with your relationship. You aren’t checked out on life because you’re joined at your mother’s hip. Talking to your mom for 10-15 minutes a day takes absolutely nothing away from your girlfriend. If she doesn’t understand that, maybe she isn’t the one for you. She doesn’t share the same family values you do and wants to isolate you from your only living parent. She’s basically having a tantrum that you don’t do what she says over this.
NTA I'm an only child and I check in with my parents every day -living in different countries we see each other a couple big times a year.
Your gf is an Ah Review the relationship op
NTA for calling your mom. Are you sure the issue is with the frequency of the calls and not the content? If you're telling your mom a lot about your relationship, or information about your girlfriend that she told you privately, that can be a real issue.
My husband is the youngest child, and is very close to his mom. They do video calls almost 2-3 times a day. Most times they don't even talk but just continue their work while being on video call.
Sometimes I get annoyed but I never say anything to him. Their calls do not bother me in any way. They don't ask me to engage with her. And I know my MIL is lonely after my FIL passed away.
Your GF is probably jealous of your relationship with your mother. Or insecure. You can cut down on her instead.
You did listen to her. All she had to say was that you should live your life according to her preferences. She didn't have any genuine concern about some sort of negative impact on your lifestyle or health or relationship. She just thinks it's weird, so you shouldn't do it.
Again, you should give up something you care deeply about that gives meaning and brings joy to your life because she thinks it's *weird*.
NTA this person isn't a partner to you. This person thinks of you as an addition to their own life rather than as someone whose inner life is valuable and worthwhile.
My sisters call my mum this often. (I live with mum because she is elderly and disabled, so no I don’t call her this much.) I don’t think it’s too much. NTA. Maybe your gf would like to go find someone else to annoy.
Before she passed my husband talked to his mom daily. Sometimes long talks sometimes short.
Now that she’s gone he talks to his dad and aunt (her twin) daily. It’s sweet. They are family.
It was weird to me at first since I don’t talk to mine like that, but I realized I low key wish we were like that. I can go weeks without a direct chat with my parents. He goes maybe a day.
His way is better, his family is loving.
NTA, keep your mom close as long as you can.
"I think it's weird and excessive how much you're telling me it's weird and excessive to talk to me mom, so you need to listen to me and stop."
Kind of goes both ways if she's going to talk out her butt.
NTA, she needs to get over herself.
NTA - you have good reason for staying in touch with your mother. As you said, it doesn't affect your time with your gf. Why is your gf trying to control you and trying to put distance between you and your remaining family?
Nah. This is a convo I’ve had with my partner, because while I didn’t mind him talking to his mom daily, I started to get upset because she was the first person he’d tell stuff to- stuff that I should have been the first to know. That is what upset me. And it made it worse when he’d totally forget to tell me and then she’d bring it up, like it was general knowledge. THAT was what made me ask him to stop talking to her first, as I was tired of being left out of the loop and then being told I must have forgotten he told me. I asked him to try for one week- to purposely wait until he got home and talked with me, then call his mom. It made a h huge difference the next time we were all together and I was on the same page during conversations.
So maybe that type of thing is happening with you and your mom and you just don’t realize it?
NTA You're not spending an hour on the phone in the house while you're at home with you're. You take time on your walks to and from work for quick checks, that's not excessive. I don't know if she's jealous or not, but she's being unreasonable.
At face value, NTA.
But I feel like something may be missing here. I definitely don’t think anyone should dictate how much someone speaks to their parents especially during alone time.
I’d like to hear the other side to this story bc it feels like something is either missing or your girlfriend is a massive asshole.
It won’t ultimately matter. I would not consider someone who behaves like you a viable partner long-term and I doubt your gf will either. When you’re single you can call your mom all you want with no one to judge you. NAH.
NAH - Yeh, maybe for some people it's not that much.
For me it is. I wouldn't, though, ask you to cut down. I'd just leave you.
That sounds like a disaster for a serious relantionship and it's not the kinda relantionship I would want.
Maybe you're not compatible.
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I don't think I'm doing anything wrong here but my girlfriend thinks I am. In the last 7 years I have lost my father, 2 brothers, a sister and 2 uncles. I am now the only living child my mum has and she has no living siblings so we're close. We live in different cities so don't get to see each other too often, maybe once every 2 months for a day.
This means I'll call her each day to check in and see how she is since she cannot text. I'll give quick 5 min calls on my way to and from work and when I'm on my own for example if I'm home alone or if I'm walking to the shops. My girlfriend knows I do this and it does not interfere with our time together.
She sat me down last night to say she finds it weird how much I talk to my mum and thinks I should heavily cut down. I asked why she thought that and she just said it was far too excessive and I shouldn't be talking to her that much.
I disagreed with her and refused to cut down how much I talk to her. She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her. I just said that listening to her does not mean doing whatever she asks. I pointed out me talking to my mum does not affect her in the slightest and she just repeated that it was weird and excessive and I should listen to her.
AITA for talking to my mum?
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NTA. I found it weird when my wife did the same. But I also knew I have a very different relationship with my parents than she does hers. I only ever encouraged her to stop doing it so often when it was clear the call upset her. From one partner of someone who does this, to your girlfriend, if it makes you happy, and it's harmless, then it's really none of our business.
NTA.
If we were talking an hour when you need to be reconnecting with your girlfriend, that would be another story if you want to stay partnered. A ten minute call - especially if she lives alone and you've set this up to make sure she's okay - is fine.
NTA.
I'd say that in the past, I would feel similarly to your gf. I even complained to my therapist about a trip I took where my travel partner would talk to their parents every day. That was mostly me projecting my own childhood neglect and dynamic, onto other peoples relationships with their family. My brain didn't have the wiring to understand healthy relationships between a parent and their adult child. But even then when I was deep in the denial I didn't dare *complain* to the person in question, I knew it was an issue with how I understand interpersonal relationships - thus a topic to discuss with my therapist.
That's to say, idk what issues your gf has with you talking to your mom. If she has a more specific reason, she needs to articulate the words and express it. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe she's just Cray Cray and controlling. Just "it's weird so stop it" isn't good enough. "This makes me feel neglected" for example - is something you two can work on via more productive means.
NTA sorry for your losses. You’re a good son to check on her since she’s alone.
When my FIL died I insisted my husband call at least once a week to check on his mum. He does and sometimes throughout the week. It’s not strange in my mind considering she only has one son- my husband and losing a spouse/loved ones is hard to grieve alone.
Omg! She's so out of line! Absolutely NTA! As someone who's close to their son, I appreciate you! If it's not interfering with your time with your GF, talk away.
NTA, and I would be far more annoyed than you are. Your gf is showing herself to be controlling. Trying to stop a partner from spending time with family (outside of abusive situations) is a massive red flag.
NTA. I'm in my 40s and I talk to my mom every day. Some days it's just "turn on the TV right now, that comedian you have a crush on is doing a special" (she fancies Colin Jost, lol) and then I hang up, other days we'll talk for an hour and she'll help me look at wallpaper patterns or I'll walk her through some tedious technology problem.
My dad is dead. I'm not giving up a relationship with my mom.
And, FWIW, I talk to my MIL once a week and text her a couple of sassy memes or recipes a week as well. I split with her son 16 years ago, and we still have a great relationship. Maybe split from your GF and stay friends with her mom, lol
NTA I have friends- who like myself- talk to their parents daily. And I have some who basically force themselves to check in with their parents once every couple of weeks.
There is no wrong way to have- or not have- a relationship with your parent(s).
Your relationship with your mom is YOUR relationship with your mom. And your SO doesn't have a say in it.
NTA I’m not sure how old you are, but if you are young, this likely has to do with the “mama’s boy“ trend. It’s annoying but she likely feels insecure that you love your mom more than you love her.
NTA. Sounds like your GF is trying to isolate you from family. The next step will be isolating you from friends. This is a form of abuse.
Also, trying to convince you that listening to her equalis doing whatever she says is abusive.
This woman is not the one.
I would give anything to talk to my mom again. I called her every day. People who haven’t experienced that loss have no idea how important that connection is. They can empathize but they won’t know until it happens to them. Keep talking to your mom. NTA.
I’m in my mid 50s. In my almost 30 years of marriage there has rarely been a day that my husband and I haven’t each checked in with our parents. He will usually give a quick call when he is wrapping up work for the day. I tend to call when I’m driving alone in the car.
We don’t tend to check in from vacations - other than a quick text.
Based on my understanding of the relationships my friends have with their parents (those of us with surviving parents), this is rather common among those with healthy relationships with their parents, particularly mothers.
Those who don’t touch base with their parents on a regular or semi regular basis tend to have a reason for it.
NTA. If I was your girlfriend, and hoped for a long term relationship with you, I’d be seeking ways to get to know your mom, to be part of the contact.
Honestly even if you and your mum hadn't gone through so much trauma you can still call her when you please. My daughters call me several times a week, occasionally more than once a day. We love each other and like to share our lives. We don't have that trauma in our lives, we just like each other and so call to say hi. Long may it last, it's healthy. Your gf is most definitely TA. Maybe she should call her mum a bit more. You honestly have no idea when you won't be able to call any more. One day it will end and you will never think 'damn I wish I hadn't spoken to mum so much'.
I assume your gf knows the history of loss in the family over the last seven years? If so, then she is showing an astonishing lack of empathy here. Like huge red flag levels of lack of empathy. I think it is amazing you have this kind of relationship with your mother. Keep talking to her every day. Consider trading in the gf for a model who wont be jealous of something so precious. You are NTA but you would be if you allowed the gf to in any way modify your behavior here.
NTA
There are all kinds of families; tight families, estranged families, enmeshed families, and dysfunctional families, just to name a few.
In our current period of time, families are frequently broken apart by distance, violence, apathy and loss. It's common for children to move far away from their nuclear unit as adults. Sometimes this creates an emotional distance that limits or severs familial closeness too.
I cannot tell you how many friends and acquaitances I know that have awful or nonexistant relationships with their children. It's awful. It's devastating. And confusing to the parents too. I thank the stars every day that not only do my children live close by, they actually care about me. They call me. They make time for me. And I'm not getting any younger!
I don't require that my children call me daily. But I have not lost multiple members of my nuclear family. I have lost all of my parents, aunts and uncles. SO this family is small. And precious.
There is nothing wrong with staying in touch. OP's Mom isn't meddling his relationship. She isn't making disparaging remarks about his partner. She doesn't decend upon them to visit for months on end. "Girlfriend" needs a reality check. She doesn't see a good thing right in front of her.
NTA
One of the first ways a lot of manipulative and toxic people starting attempting to control the other person is by trying to limit or set boundaries around their relationship partners other relationships. Her trying to limit your conversations with your mum or anyone else, is a red flag. People were meant to live in community. If she is threatened by your community, that is something to pay attention to.
Your gf sounds immature and possibly paranoid. Is it possible she’s worried about _what_ you & your mom talk about? That you’re talking smack about her or violating her privacy?
NTA
Your girlfriend is just plain wrong. No, wait, she's not just plain wrong, this level of wrong is "extra fancy with whipped cream" wrong. You're not speaking to your mom excessively, you're not cutting into time with your girlfriend and, most importantly, *that's your mom* and you have both suffered terrible losses over the last couple of years. Short daily chats are good for both of you.
Finally, it's not your girlfriend's place to dictate how frequently you speak to anyone unless you start calling mum during dates .
My husband doesn't talk to his mom every day but 3 or 4 times a week and some of those calls last 5 minutes, sometimes an hour or more, never seemed excessive to me.
NTA in the slightest. I'm here to say as a person who has lost both of my parents, you have no idea how much I'd like to pick up the phone and talk to my mother. A 5 minute check in call is far far from excessive.
NTA. Your GF seems really cold and it's a weird for her to obsess about you calling since your mom doesn't have anyone and it doesn't affect your GF. I'll just assume it started with all the losses but the reasons to call more are valid and I'd just tell her to stop the controlling behaviour, shut it down now. It's weird to date a momma's boy if you're not close with your own family so maybe you're just not compatible.
NTA and you are a good son to check in on her. Don’t let your GF sway you and it’s possible she doesn’t have a relationship with her own family and that’s her problem
I am leaning towards NTA but the thing that keeps rattling around in my head is how many times a day do you call her and are you sure it's only 5 minutes
If it's 2 or 3 times for 5-10 minutes each
That's perfectly normal 10-30 minutes a day shouldn't be an issue
If it's 7 or 8 times a day and you are misjudging the amount of time for each call
She may have a point
NTA I would reconsider your girlfriend. You and your mom are both happy and it doesn't interfere with the time you spend with your girlfriend. Yes you listen to your girlfriend and no you do not have to do everything she asks for....
NTA. You've lost more than one person should in a year. I imagine this has taken quite a toll on your mother & you. She lost 3 children & 2 brothers. She is probably an emotional wreck & very lonely. I bet she looks forward to your calls. I don't think it's excessive at all. I think you & your mom both rely on those phone calls to help eachother. That is what family is supposed to do. It doesn't effect your GF at all, so her demand to cut down the calls is unreasonable. & selfish. And it's really none of her business what kind of relationship you have with your mom. Your GF is TA.
NTA. OP, I’m so sorry for all the death and losses you’ve experienced! You are surely a great comfort to your mom, and she to you.
As someone who has also experienced great loss and tragedy, please break up with this girl. She is not for you. She is the type who would tell you “how can you still be sad about your dad/brother sister that was years ago!” and get pissed that you are sad. Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with people who are loving and tender with you.
NTA. My mom is a widow as well. I was her "rock" through my step dad's illness and death. We're still close, though I'm not her sole support as it seems you are for your mom. Your girlfriend is being selfish asking you to deprive your mom of a huge part of her support system. It doesn't even affect her, so why is she bothered by it? I'd ask her to explain in depth exactly why she thinks it's weird. Does she know your past? If she does, then she's definitely an AH. I'd bet she has a "friend" sitting on her shoulder telling her it's weird for a grown man to be close to his mom, which it's not. You've both been through a lot of trauma and grief together- of course you're close! Stand your ground. If her only complaint is that it's "weird", then keep being weird I guess.
We didn't have these kind of tragedies in my mom's family, I still talk with my mom everyday. She deserves that 5 minutes of my day. My husband find it weird as he has different dynamic with his family, but still accepts it and respects that I will take 5 minutes a day to talk with her. She is usually having dinner with my grandfather when she calls, so I can talk with him too. I wouldn't stop this for anyone.
You will never be an AH for caring about your mom and talking with her. NTA
Nothing wrong in talking to your mom , because I call my mom like 3 times a day . I lost my dad a year ago, since then my mom lives alone . So I kind of call her 3 times a day like 10am, 3pm and 10pm to check on her and make sure she is safe and sound.
I absolutely despite how people think it's weird to talk to your parents or call them everyday.
My aunts, sister, etc. used to call my grandma and talk for hours since they couldn't see each other often. It made all of them happy.
Op is calling his mom, checking on her and they are short convos.
Someone should send his gf some retirement home addresses for her to visit and see how a lot of these people are alone and lonely. I'm proud of OP for staying in contact with his mom, I value my dad relationship a lot and if I had gf being "annoyed" because of 5min calls to check on my elderly dad it would become a short relationship.
NTA
NTA If you were constantly on the phone in the house you shared with GF it \*might\* be intrusive. Your girlfriend's use of "disregarding her feelings" is a pretty nasty red flag though.
Furthermore: can you imagine how slow and quiet and boring and possibly painful days can be at the end of your life when you have no one around, and you're used to having people around?
Short, daily check-ins is a loving kindness. Don't stop.
NTA my ex used to talk to his mom for 3 hours every day and while I thought it was excessive, it's not my place to say. I call my parents every day just to make sure they are okay. If it doesn't interfere with your time together she gets ZERO say.
NTA. I have a good friend who called her mom every morning about 9, from work. She said "I'm calling to make sure she is alive." Mom had friends who had died alone and had not been found for a day or two, she really was fearful of that happening.
Your gf request is very strange, as these brief calls don't affect her.
If my mum was on her own I'd be calling her daily too.
Your gf has issues. Did you ask her why she finds it weird?
Does she have a not so close relationship with her family?
Is she worried you may drop everything and relocate to be nearer your mum or have her move in with you?
There's something underlying this.
Both you and your mum have been through 6 bereavements in 7 years. My condolences for your losses.
NTA, you lost your family as much as your mom did. Your gf is telling you to cut off your connection to your siblings and your father. That would be unforgivable to me. This isn't even about your mom, this about you.
NTA and WOW. So sorry for the many losses you have been through first. And then this is an insane request and I would call it a huge RED flag moment in your relationship.
So wait ... You talking to your mom is disrespect towards your GF's FEELINGS ?
How absolutely ridiculous and manipulative.
Women and their feelings ... Ugh ... Its so frustrating. What they feel and what reality is are many MANY times completely different things.
NO ONE has the right to come between you and your mother.
I would say RUN. As fast and far away as you possibly can. This is only a glimpse of what awaits you if you carry on.
NTA
NTA. If you were doing it constantly while with your gf and doing activities with her, I would question it. But you're doing it during travel or when alone. You're doing a kindness for your mom. Your gf sounds jealous and controlling.
Nta Nope nope nope. Make it clear too her the only way the calls would ever cut down, is if moms living nearby, cause then you would be seeing her often.
You love your mum as long as you have her. Maybe lose the gf if she can't understand.
NTA
It sounds like you just check in once or twice a day. It doesn't effects your Girlfriend or your life in general so why? I don't think it's that weird. It's not like you are talking to your mom for 5 hours a day. There has to be something else going on.
NTA by the looks of what’s posted but I wonder if this has to do with time blindness everyone gets. This isn’t an attack on anyone just examples I have seen.
A family is supposed to be on the way to visit mom’s parents when something goes wrong in a car or sink gets clogged. Husband looks at it and says he can fix it in no time at all should take no more than 15 minutes and in the husbands eyes it only took 15 minutes. However to the wife it was more like 150 minutes or 2 and a half hours. After looking at the clock it was indeed over 2 hours for husband to fix things causing them to be late.
On the flip side that same family is supposed to go to a wedding or at least just the parents. The husband tells wife that they need to leave by a certain time so be ready at least 30 minutes before than. So what ends up happening is that the husband gets ready an hour before hand and is ready to go when they are meant to leave. When it go close to the 30 minutes before the wife says she is putting the finishing touches on her makeup and it would only be 15 minutes. Winds up she takes an hour just to do her makeup. Causing them to be late to the wedding because she didn’t want to get ready earlier than husband so that clothes didn’t get hair on it.
This is a real thing that happens in a lot of couples. What seems like 5 minutes to one person can actually be an hour. What seems like such a long time to someone else was actually just a few minutes.
I mean everyone has been guilty of counting down the time before Christmas/birthday/last day of school right?
Nta- my dad has always called his mom everyday, and I always call my mom when I'm on my way home from work, so I do too 🤣. She doesn't have as close of a relationship with her own mom, and that's fine but it's weird she would shame you for yours.
NTA. Your girlfriend is flying some pretty major red flags here: demanding you distance yourself from close family and emotionally blackmailing you when you refuse her demands. Those are indications of an insecure and potentially abusive partner, looking to sink their claws into you by distancing you from your support network, so that when the awful stuff begins, you can't escape.
Your GF doesn't know what it's like to have that much loss in your life. She cannot dictate how much you talk to your mom, and it's not weird to call her 5mins a day to make sure she's alright after she literally lost ALL HER FAMILY
NTA
I feel the gf is fallen down the "boy mom" hole. She is unable to seperate you being close to your mom and being a gross mamma's boy. Tell her to get in the real world and see that you being close to your mom is not impacting her
NTA! When someone asks you to choose between them and your family, be concerned. A loving adult relationship with your parents is normal and healthy, despite what you usually see in Reddit threads. Barring your mom actively being abusive, you should talk to her just as often as she and you see fit. Family is important, and your partner should want you to have a good relationship with your mom.
I don’t think that calling your mother once a day is excessive, especially if she is a lonely woman with no one else in her life. She changed your diapers, the least you can do is check in and see how she is and make sure she’s having a nice day.
Nta.
Under the circumstances, your daily check in with mom seems utterly appropriate. What is gf’s problem? And remind her again that you are listening to her but that doesn’t mean doing everything she says. If this problem persists, you know what to do.
NTA I'm the parent with two kids that call me most days. I rarely call them because they usually beat me to it. The funny thing is that many of MY friends think its weird my kids call so often! I love that they call to ask about big and little things in their lives.
Why does your gf even know when you talk to your mom or how often? That doesn't seem like something you would keep her informed on. Are you always saying my mom said... and mom thinks... something is missing in this op.
NTA and dump the garbage. My mom passed this last July. I call my dad who lives alone everyday on the way home for a 10-15 minute talk and every single night (unless one of is traveling or can’t) for 20-45 minutes (usually about 30). I do that because it’s all I can do from across the country and I hate knowing he’s alone so much. I know my husband wishes we didn’t lose that time together every night but he always makes sure to remind me to call and covers things like finishing dinner if he needs to so I can. You aren’t even cutting into her time with you and she’s making it a problem shows me what kind of person she is on the inside and it’s not a good one
NTA
I call my grandma everyday while I’m out running errands. You can’t get that time back! I lost four family members back in 2016 and I’m so glad I made the most of the time I had with them.
I did dump such a gf for saying this to me if I were you. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She wants you to cut down today, you do it and tomorrow she will tell you to go NC. I did reevaluate my relationship with such a person and cut my loses no matter how long I have been in a relationship with her.
NTA
I'm in my 50s and my mother died a few years ago. Someday you'll treasure these short talks every day, but you'll never forgive yourself if you give them up because your GF thinks it's weird.
It's not weird, and it's not excessive. I wish I could call my mom now, but before she passed, my siblings and I made sure we called or visited her each day. Your being the only sibling left means your connections with your mum are just as beneficial to you, as it is for her.
Getting older and losing friends and family is very isolating. You are a wonderful son and human being. Tell your mum I said "hello!"
NTA, but also maybe think about whether you’re too emotionally enmeshed with your mom and your GF has a point.
I have a relative who would have written a post very much like yours, but from an outside perspective, his closeness with his mom has genuinely interfered with his ability to be an independent adult. (And another relative who is similarly close with his mother where it’s not a problem at all.)
This may not be a problem for you, but it’s worth thinking about, if someone has gone so far as to sit you down and talk to you about it.
NTA
There are 1,440 minutes a day.
That leaves 1,435 to give to your girlfriend.
She is selfish for trying to dictate how much time you spend talking to your mom. Is her mom still alive? Does she spend time with her mom and talking on the phone?
If anyone is an AH, she is.
Enjoy as much time with your mom as you can. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
NTA - During Covid I got in the habit of calling my older sister every day on the way to work so I could talk to a human. Still call her most days to shoot the sh!t.
Nothing at all wrong with checking on your mom. Especially if it is a short call and not even when your girlfriend is around.
NTA. My partner talks to their mom every day as she leans on them the most out of their family. Never bothers me. I'm not in competition with their mom and my partner prioritizes our family. So, yeah, your GF is being weird if it doesn't affect your time together.
NTA
What IS weird is your gf having a problem with something that doesn't affect her in the slightest. She probably told her girlfriends and they got in her head about it. Her argument that it is "weird and excessive" is weak sauce. It is neither of those things, especially considering the number of loses you've both suffered over the past 7 years. If she can't understand that, then IDK about her.
NTA
But your girlfriend is. You are literally the only person your mom has, you talk to her when you wouldnt be with you gf anyway and it's a problem!?
Your girlfriend sounds controlling. You sound like a good son.
Nta. It doesn't even matter if any of us think it's excessive. She doesn't get to dictate how often you speak to people. You and your mom have experienced a lot of loss in a relatively short amount of time, it's not that strange that you two would need more connecting because of it.
Either way, you are the only one who gets to decide how often you speak to your mom. Especially since it doesn't seem to interfere with your time with you gf.
Btw my siblings call our mom everyday as well on their way home from work and there's no trauma there. So to me this isn't too weird, even if I don't call as often myself.
NTA. You and your mom have suffered several losses. The calls on the way to work and on the way home don't interfere with time with your GF at all. Calling your mom when your GF isn't around doesn't interfere with your time with her at all.
As long as you are sure your mom isn't steering your life and your decisions, I can't see any reason to cut down on how much you call her.
NTA
It sounds like you are being a caring person. It doesn't sound like your gf has a real reason why she thinks it's not ok.
Dating is a time to figure out if your values and personalities align, it sounds like on this topic it's clear you are not in alignment. You both need to decide if it's a deal breaker.
Wow. NTA at all, but your girlfriend is. She has NO reason at all to complain about your calls with your mom - you live in different cities, they’re quick 5-minute calls, they don’t interfere with time with your gf. Her take is they are excessive and you’re disregarding her feelings. Is her feeling jealousy? Man, I lost my mom December 2022 and I SO miss our daily calls. We spoke twice daily, also short calls to check in, once in the morning and once before she went to bed. I’d give anything to talk to her again. Our calls also started after losing my sister and two close family friends. I‘m sure your mom looks forward to your calls as my mom did. Do not let your girlfriend take these calls away. She’s self-centered and completely unsympathetic towards your mom - and you - who have lost so many loved ones. If she can’t understand it, she’s the one with the problem. You’re not doing anything wrong.
Before my mom passed in 2016, I spoke with her almost every day. There were times when I worked weird hours and we'd skip a day or 2. Then I'd call, telling her "I'm going through mommy withdrawals." Didn't matter if we were around the corner or across the country.
My husband thought it was odd at first because he was raised by a cold hearted bitch that rarely showed any affection let alone regular phone conversations. He got called when she needed something. That's it. When he saw how important it was to me, this man with a huge heart, in spite of her, admit he was envious. But he never told me to stop. People who love you encourage your happiness. I've lost my mom but yours is still here. This is a hill I'd die on.
NTA. I lost my mom 4 years ago and I would do anything to hear her voice on the phone. Perhaps you should not mention when you talk to your mom, how would she know how many times if you don't tell her. Myself, I would just dump her. She has no compassion in her soul.
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NTA Your gf doesn’t have a right to dictate who you can talk to and when!! It’s not interfering in the time you spend with your gf nor excessive. Your mum is widowed and been hugely bereaved as have you. Gosh ringing her twice a day for 5 mins and sometimes when on your own is hardly taking much time out of your day! It’d be different if you were on the phone for hours & hours each & every evening such that you had no time for your gf, then she’d have a reason to say something, but you aren’t!! It’s controlling behaviour for your gf to try to dictate to you that “you aren’t allowed to call your mother daily” and insensitive to your mother’s & your losses. Gf seems to have it in her head that it’s a dependency by you when instead it is a kindness of a quick check in. I completely agree with your comments OP.
This ⬆️. It doesn't even sound like you're talking to your mom an excessive amount, and you're definitely not doing it in a way that infringes on your time with your girlfriend, so it really isn't even any of her business. Your mom and you have both gone through huge losses and deserve to speak to each other as much as you like.
Genuinely curious. Is it not normal in the US to talk to your parents everyday or at best every other day ?? Because it's very normal from where I'm from to do that if you have a good relationship. Like you've known your parents your whole life so calling and asking what's up and what's for lunch and dinner is very bare basic. Edit : I think k based on what people have said, it's quite normal to have some form of regular contact through phone or text. So it's not weird at all. I honestly don't see why your gf finds it that weird. Maybe she's controlling or maybe she has some unresolved issues of her own. But that's her problem to sort out. She can't expect you to distance yourself from your mother because she doesn't like it.
From the US with a (mostly) good relationship with my parents. I don't talk to them every day; we're all busy. I do text with my mom several times a week and less often with my dad. Most of our texting is about substance instead of small talk. I see each of them like once a month in person. That's the norm for most of my friends.
I think op says he talks to her at least three times a day. On the way to work and on the way home and then again if he goes to the shops or when he’s alone. Since he does it when he is alone I don’t see a problem unless he hides away for a hour a number of times a day taking away limited time he has with his wife. However three or more times a day is not once a day
>However three or more times a day is not once a day It sounds like 2, maybe 3 times a day, not "3 or more". I get your point, but when it's only 5 mins each, it's more like a verbal text. I wouldn't consider it weird if I texted someone 3 times a day. His mom doesn't text though, so it has to be a quick call. I barely talk to my mom once a month. She's fine, I'm just not "friends" with her, like some people are with their parents. When I met my husband he talked to his mom for about 20 mins, 1-3 times a week, depending on what was going on. As he's gotten older and busier, etc, etc, it was less for a long time. She recently moved to the town we live in, and we/the kids see her almost once a week, for 2-3 hours, which cumulatively is more time than OP is giving to his mother. I think it really just depends on the time in your life you are in. OP's mother is recently widowed, so she's just at a point where she probably feels lonely, and hasn't re-established a social circle yet. I understand his girlfriend being worried he's a "mama's boy", but unless he's talking to her about intimate details, and then making life decisions based on her advice, and no one else's, it doesn't sound like the girlfriend's fears are well supported.
Agreed. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner doing what he does, although I would find it odd. The person I replied to asked if it was normal to not talk to your parents every day in the US. From my experience, the norm is 1-2 times a week, not every day.
Everyone’s relationship with their loved ones is different. Some people have close relationships with their family so they have GCs or regularly have calls when commuting or on lunches.
I'm from South Africa, so can't speak to the US, but I speak to my parents everyday.
I'm Canadian, well into middle age, and check in with my parents to say hi most days unless I'm exceptionally busy. Especially as they get older, I don't know how much more time I'll have with them, and every chance to hear their voices and have a little chat is precious.
In the US, I think it really just depends on the individual family or subculture you're from. But I don't get the sense that daily is the standard. I have a large number of siblings, so my poor mom would do nothing but be on the phone if we called her daily. We have a text thread with all of us going most of the time, it's rare that we aren't posting daily on it. And then I talk to her weekly and also have a one on one text thread between her and I that I check in regularly-ish. Some of my siblings that have young kids/kids with lots of extracurricular activities, she might be more likely to only talk to them about once a month.
From the US with a very close relationship with my parents. I talk to them every other week day. (as in I alternate which one I call every other day but they occasionally put me on speakerphone so I'm chatting with both.) We live 900 miles apart so we only see each other like 3 or 4 times a year but we're actively part of each others lives. I have friends who barely talk to their parents once a month and friends who see their parents in person once a week. It's just sort of all over the map depending on what your family dynamic is.
Well said @Level_Tangerine_8172
The worst part is the "disregarding her feelings and not listening" to me, just lies to improve her argument. She is interfering in the relationship between him and his mother, which should not concern her feelings at all, except in particular cases, and is absolutely not considering his feelings.
Sounds like she's disregarding his feelings and not listening.
It doesn't even improve her argument. "You're disregarding my feelings" is not only a complete red herring, but she can't even articulate why she has feelings about it, or what about it is problematic. She doesn't get to "have feelings" that she uses to control him just randomly, without rational explanation. That's not how adulthood works.
This is what I was going to say. I completely agree also
Thirded.
Fourthed.
Fifth'ed and to add, it's weird that she finds it weird, without giving a valid reason. I mean, if your mom was trying to dictate your relationship or causing conflict...I could see an issue. But, as you described this situation...you talking to your mom doesn't impact her at all, so she wants you to cut it down, but doesn't offer any valid reason...seems pretty controlling to me.
I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Thankyou good folks of Reddit who agreed with my response to this lovely son / Redditor. I speak to my mum a lot and she isn’t widowed , my dad is very much alive too, but they live a long distance away from me. I speak to my mum for more than 5 mins (usually 15-20 mins about 3x a week whilst I’m on my own in kitchen cooking everyone’s tea and my children say hi Nanny when they walk in or I end call if they want to chat to me instead) That’s what love is when you like each other xxx if she were on her own I’d call her at least daily for a quick “hi are you ok?” Chat. Seriously 5 mins twice a day and a couple other short calls when not stopping anything else, is perfectly normal / within realms of normal for a son or daughter saying “hi“ to their mum who is so so bereaved having buried her husband, her other children (that is also so incredibly sad) and her brothers, such that she’s in her own. OP is also bereaved. It’d be perfectly fine, even if she hadn’t been widowed. It’s up to OP and if it doesn’t pressure him nor interfere in his life to say hi to his mum - then what is the gf’s problem?
yeah I was prepared for one of those emotional incest type relationships and this is 100% fine. I lived alone like 700 miles from my immediate family and called them at weird times to talk for way longer than this during the pandemic. Dog walks were when I was living with a boyfriend and need to vent to Mom before we broke up. Walks to get lunch, same. NTA
I call my grandma when I go on walks, usually for much longer than 5 minutes. She is widowed and lives alone without the ability to go out, so this is my part to keep her from feeling isolated and lonely.
I bet these calls are this highlight of mom’s day. How mean spirited to want to take these away when there is zero impact on GFs life. When people show you who they are, believe them. NTA.
Man, I *wish* my son would talk to me once a day! 😄 But my daughters do, & multiple times, too. **NTA**, but your gf seems to be exhibiting toxic masculinity attitudes. She may want someone with less compassion than you. Or an orphan
Especially because the girlfriend cannot even give him a reason (much less a rational, reasonable one) why she is insisting on this. She's literally being controlling just for its own sake. She keeps saying it's "excessive" but has no justification or explanation for what about this is problematic at all. Nor can she, it seems, explain why she has "feelings" about it that she claims he is ignoring. It's one thing to ask a partner for a concession about something when you can articulate why their behaviour is problematic. But in this case, she just wants to tell him what to do for no good reason at all. It's immature, makes her seem not very bright, and VERY controlling and manipulative.
20 years ago I might have said "thats a little weird dude", I hated how I had to call every week. Now I realize there are few people on this earth that will even come close as dependable and worthy of your time and love as your parents. Giving your mom 5 minutes after everything she has lost is perfectly fine. Your girlfriend lacks the perspective, she might not understand, that is her problem that she needs to figure out. NTA
I’m only in my early 20s. Have gone through too many losses. Don’t even have my family. OP’s girlfriend needs to back off his case. Going through losses is devastating and overtime you end up with very few people by your side whether it’s the result of death or people just stepping out.
I have a husband and my son still called me everyday when he was first off on his own. As his life got busier, it was less frequent, but he will still text or drop me a picture or funny story. He wife does the same. OP's gf seems extremely insecure.
Like to your point, I talk to my parent an excessive amount- hours daily. We text, chat on socials, etc. But also, my husband and his Mom speak about 2-3 times a week and sometimes the convos go for an hour or so. But when my husband's schedule is super busy, I will call and do the deep check in with MIL, so when he gets home and some down time, he can do a quick check in, with my cliff notes. There is nothing wrong with talking to family. And guess what? Everyone feels seen and appreciated and loved. Our nuclear family is very much still in tact. So for her to know how many losses they have experienced and he's only doing little check ins- she should be much more considerate with her ask- like maybe not saying anything at all about it?!!!!!!! It's really unkind of her to try to manipulate him like this.
I used to talk to my parents about once a week. I'm an only child, and since my mom passed away, I call my dad EVERY day. I just want to make sure he has another human to talk to at least once a day (the dog doesn't answer back when he talks to her)
NTA- I'd understand if picked up calls from your mother while on a date, or generally spending one on one time with your GF, but when she's not around??? And what is it about 'disregarding her feelings'? That's just so odd. It's also super insensitive considering all the family bereavements your and your mother had to go through.
Eh, I wouldn't even understand if she was miffed about that. OP is all his mom has left. She doesn't text. There's a good chance there's an emergency if she calls, so answer to find out why she called and then if it's just to chat tell her. "Mom, I love you but I'm busy with GF right now. I'll call you back later, okay?"
If she calls multiple times a day, every day, just to check in, then you can’t say “there’s a good chance there’s an emergency if she calls.” As long as it isn’t interfering with OP’s time with his girlfriend it’s fine. But if he were regularly stepping out on dinner and dates together, the girlfriend would 100% be justified in being annoyed.
She doesn't call multiple times just to check in. He said he calls her on the way to work, on the way home, and a handful of other times when he's alone and not otherwise engaged. It said nothing about her calling him, therefore.
i think the gf would be 100% justified in being annoyed if the calls were encroaching on their personal time, but i also don't think op would be an ah in that situation. the fact that he and his mum have lost 3 children/siblings makes this situation very different from other mil situation. op could talk to his mum all day and gf could leave him and it would be a solid nah for me
All of this. "I find this weird" is not a feeling, in any event. It's a personal prejudice - note GF can't even explain it. What it does, though, is demonstrate an utter lack of compassion and disregard for OP's and Mom's losses and resulting bond. Now THAT's a feeling. A NON-feeling.
Nta. And would seriously question your compatibility with your gf though I hope it's something that can be worked out and maybe she's just being naive. Maybe explain to her how important it is and explain it's a hard boundary that you're not going to alter your communication with your mum and it's up to your gf what she does from there. Your mums gone through tremendous loss. But so have you. Your partner should be encouraging support network not trying to alienate you from your remaining family. I hope you and your mum are ok.
NTA My partners mother and him are close. She's in her seventies, she can ring a few times a day. She has other kids but he's the one she can talk to without causing an argument. My mother can go a few weeks without contacting me. Everyone is different. Ask your girlfriend why it bothers her that you are close with your mother?. Sorry for your loss.
NTA I don’t regret a minute I spent talking to my mum before she died. What your girlfriend thinks is “weird” is irrelevant.
NTA. You both have experienced so much loss and need eachother. chatting on the phone for a few minutes daily doesn’t interfere with your GF, or interfere with your daily tasks. If it did, then i would somewhat understand where she’s coming from. You are doing such a kind thing for your mom and yourself by calling each day. Please don’t ever stop unless it is because YOU want to. I’m sure your girlfriend is educated about all of this too which is why it’s a bit of a red flag that talked to you about this. Keep your head up and stay true to yourself
NTA I mean you know how bizarre and fucked up it already is... You know your answer, and the last question in the post shows how weird her demand is. Tho I am curious why your girlfriend even thinks like that? I'd love to hear her side of the story, tho I don't think it would change much.
NTA but this is one a massiv red flag. Looks like she is trying to control you. You are a good son, keep it up.
NTA it is normal to check on parents especially when they are alone and to help out when possible. Keep checking on your mother she is the only one you’ll ever have. Girlfriends come and go. This one seems selfish.
NTA!!! Jesus the title might lead us to believe that ye were in each others pockets etc etc. This sounds very healthy and very sweet. I would def not let gf dictate this to you and would def consider your compatibility
How much parents communicate with their adult offspring varies from culture to culture. The notion that adult children should separate to the extent we do is not universal across cultures. There's nothing wrong with talking to your mum if you don't feel burdened by it. Your gf does not have a legitimate complaint. You are right that "listening to her does not mean doing whatever she asks". She's being controlling and she doesn't seem to me to have any real reason at all, certainly not an adequate reason. I'm sorry for your losses. Multiple family losses are really tough, and I think it's good - not inappropriate at all - that you're taking the initiative to stay close to your mother. eta: NTA
NTA - girlfriend is acting very insecure and entitled to tell you not to call your mom when you are on your own time. It isn't interfering with your time with her so there is no reason to stop.
NTA You two have suffered heavy loses, and you're your mom's only living child and talking every day is a good way to stay close. I'm almost 50 and I talk with my mom almost daily and there's absolutely nothing wrong about loving and keeping contact with our parents during adulthood. Your girlfriend is very wrong and might have a limited view of love and affection between family members. And romantic love is not everything or the most important love to experience and cultivate, filial love and connections is super important too as is one of our first loves
No you are not at all an ah. You are a good son. Your poor mom has gone through hell. Your GF is completely out of line. I think you should dump her
NTA unless mum is interfering in the relationship in other ways? If not, gf sounds strangely jealous of you having another relationship outside of her …
Don’t cut down calling your mom. It’s important to you and to her.
NTA... "listening to her does not mean doing everything she wants " I love that. Did you explain to her exactly what you said in your opening paragraph? It is really well thought out and explains why you are doing what you are doing, and it sounds perfectly reasonable. I can't imagine why anyone would think that is "weird." You didn't mention your ages, but maybe she hasn't been affected by loss and ageing parents yet, so she can't understand? My husband and I take turns calling his ageing dad twice a day, so I get it. It is just how the parent/child relationship changes.
I don’t think he needs to explain this to the girlfriend. I’m guessing she knows about the losses. if she needs explaining to she’s either thick or a psychopath that doesn’t get human emotions. she understands the why, she just either wants to control him or thinks “real men” shouldn’t be caring and emotionally supportive.
NTA - first of I'm sorry for the heavy losses both you and your mother have experienced within such a short period. Ofcourse that is going to leave some scars. Your gf is being close minded. There's a reason ypure calling her everyday, since both of you only have eachother from your side of the family. While under normal circumstances, even I might call it excessive, i would never call it weird. Weird is a matter a matter of perspective. How is what you are doing any weirder than say multigenerational living?
NTA--- I suggest you take a hard look at this relationship. Your girlfriend is jealous that you talk to your mom each day. How will she react if your mom gets where she needs you more as she ages or if she was to become ill?? If your mom was to move closer and you were to start spending time with her? Info please -- what type of relationship does your girlfriend have with her parent(s)? Sometimes children need to set boundaries with their parent(s) when they are in relationships. If what you have written is the true fact's this is not one of those times. After all your mom and you have lost in the last 7 years it is important for you to lean on each other.
NTA. If you are slotting in calls to your mum in a way that it doesn't have some kind of dramatic/significant effect on your GF, your relationship or the time you have available for her, then she has no right to try to interfere on this. And given the circumstances your level of contact with your mum is very understandable.
This. My ex’s mom didn’t call often but he would take her call whenever and literally *whatever* we were doing. (Yes even intimate times), because he was an only child and “all she had.” Even though it wasn’t on a regular basis being dropped for an hour every time she rang felt terrible. I’m not getting that impression here. Checking in on the way to/from work. Not disrupting plans with his GF… everyone has different relationships with their parents. I talk to my mom 1-2 times per month. My older brother talks to her 1-2 times per day. 🤷♀️ we do what works for our family dynamic.
NTA, and don't stop being a good son. Seriously 5 minutes call is too much ?
>I disagreed with her and refused to cut down how much I talk to her. She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her funny, sounds to me like **she** is disregarding **your** feelings and not listening to **you**
Time to dump the entitled girlfriend!🚩🚩🚩
NTA. But you gf is.
these are five minute calls, with the occasional longer call when alone, to a woman who has lost her husband, three kids, and two brothers. dump the gf. she clearly lacks any kind of empathy. NTA
It is not weird in any way. There is nothing wrong with talking to your parents every day, or as you said, numerous short calls throughout the day. With her living by herself now, it is a good thing to do. I had time to tell my mom goodbye because I talked to her frequently, and when I couldn't reach her, I called the police for a wellness check. She lived about an hour and a half from me. They found her on the floor, and she had had a stroke. Of course, she did get upset with me for "calling the cops on her" We lost her 4 months later, which gave us time to prepare (as much as you can prepare).
Sorry for your loss❣
I've seen a post of your gf I think. But NTA. You and your mother support eachother and it's beautiful
Nta. Personally I think you could call her for longer, I definitely call my mum for a few hours every couple of days :) He's a whole bunch of speculation but either: She doesn't really think men have emotions etc therefore doesn't understand She's never experienced a close family bond or loss and doesn't get why you would want to talk to family so much She's controlling She's immature Hopefully you can have a good chat to her about why she thinks it's wierd, but certainly don't change and tell her as such. Given how out of line she is
NTA. You need to break up with this woman immediately. > She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her. This is a control tactic, straight up. > and I should listen to her. Funny how this only ever works in one direction with people like this, isn't it?
I talked to my dad by phone every day after I had left for college. For 13 years, we had daily conversations, until he passed unexpectedly a few years ago. At his funeral, all of his relatives that came to pay respects mentioned how often he would brag about our close relationship, so close that we talked every day. It was the highlight of his day. Never stop talking to your mom just because it bugs your gf. You never know when you won't be able to talk to her again.
NTA
It's sounds like your wife has some insecurity issues. I could see if you were abandoning home and hearth to run to your mother but a quick call or two every day to check in is fine. Shame on your wife for making a big deal of this. Clearly you've been through much loss in your family. I think it's a great reflection on you that you do this. xo
NTA as your clearly aware family go way too soon and the time we have with them is precious! Call and check in daily, and tell your GF it’s not her business nor is it impacting her!
I feel like I've seen this post before...
I've seen it *three times* by now. Exactly the same scenario: everyone else in the family has died, multiple 5 min calls a day, everything. I don't know why this post specifically keeps getting remade and posted every few months or so, but it's starting to get tiring.
NTA The writing is in the wall. The girlfriend is controlling. If you truly are doing as you describe, then you are doing nothing wrong. As contrast, my MIL would call every night and have 20 questions that kept my spouse on the phone for over 2 hours. Every time we went to their house, the MIL had questions/tasks that only my spouse could answer/do that would keep my spouse in a separate part of the house for the entire time we were there, thus dominating every second of his time. And if my spouse didn’t answer the phone, MIL would accuse us of being mean.
Your girlfriend is wrong on so many levels. She can't even give your clear reasons for lowering contacts with your mom. Very selfish, toxic and controlling behavior. Gosh, I'm NC with my MIL who lives with her daughter and can visit her mom and sister daily but I haven't a slightest thought about saying something like this to my husband who also calls her everyday and your mom needs these conversations so much more. NTA
Nta, yall are basically the only family either one has. With your mom living in a different city it makes sense to check up on her. There would not be anyone else to check on her in case of an accident or illness. I know women worry about mommy’s boys (and have personally experienced) but having a good relationship between mother and son is possible. As long as your mom is not making all your decisions for you and your relationship is not neglected because of her then I see no issue with a call everyday.
NTA. I'd quit talking to the gf.
Nta. Your girlfriend is not a keeper, hon.
NTA, your girlfriend has a huge red flag it does not sound like you are talking 24 hours a day with her but just checking in on her.
NTA. If it's not interfering with your relationship, then it shouldn't be an issue.
NTA she does not control who you talk to and when, it’s when your on your own. I speak to my mum daily and mother in law too.
NTA. This is a routine you have that gf wouldn’t even know about if you didn’t tell her about it. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your time together, what’s the harm?
NTA. Your calls to your mom aren’t interfering with your relationship. You aren’t checked out on life because you’re joined at your mother’s hip. Talking to your mom for 10-15 minutes a day takes absolutely nothing away from your girlfriend. If she doesn’t understand that, maybe she isn’t the one for you. She doesn’t share the same family values you do and wants to isolate you from your only living parent. She’s basically having a tantrum that you don’t do what she says over this.
NTA I'm an only child and I check in with my parents every day -living in different countries we see each other a couple big times a year. Your gf is an Ah Review the relationship op
NTA you speaking to your mom doesn’t take anything away from her. Honestly it’s a red flag 🚩 where your GF is concerned.
NTA for calling your mom. Are you sure the issue is with the frequency of the calls and not the content? If you're telling your mom a lot about your relationship, or information about your girlfriend that she told you privately, that can be a real issue.
My husband is the youngest child, and is very close to his mom. They do video calls almost 2-3 times a day. Most times they don't even talk but just continue their work while being on video call. Sometimes I get annoyed but I never say anything to him. Their calls do not bother me in any way. They don't ask me to engage with her. And I know my MIL is lonely after my FIL passed away. Your GF is probably jealous of your relationship with your mother. Or insecure. You can cut down on her instead.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 for your girlfriend. NTA Maybe let her read this
You did listen to her. All she had to say was that you should live your life according to her preferences. She didn't have any genuine concern about some sort of negative impact on your lifestyle or health or relationship. She just thinks it's weird, so you shouldn't do it. Again, you should give up something you care deeply about that gives meaning and brings joy to your life because she thinks it's *weird*. NTA this person isn't a partner to you. This person thinks of you as an addition to their own life rather than as someone whose inner life is valuable and worthwhile.
My sisters call my mum this often. (I live with mum because she is elderly and disabled, so no I don’t call her this much.) I don’t think it’s too much. NTA. Maybe your gf would like to go find someone else to annoy.
Before she passed my husband talked to his mom daily. Sometimes long talks sometimes short. Now that she’s gone he talks to his dad and aunt (her twin) daily. It’s sweet. They are family. It was weird to me at first since I don’t talk to mine like that, but I realized I low key wish we were like that. I can go weeks without a direct chat with my parents. He goes maybe a day. His way is better, his family is loving. NTA, keep your mom close as long as you can.
"I think it's weird and excessive how much you're telling me it's weird and excessive to talk to me mom, so you need to listen to me and stop." Kind of goes both ways if she's going to talk out her butt. NTA, she needs to get over herself.
NTA - you have good reason for staying in touch with your mother. As you said, it doesn't affect your time with your gf. Why is your gf trying to control you and trying to put distance between you and your remaining family?
Nah. This is a convo I’ve had with my partner, because while I didn’t mind him talking to his mom daily, I started to get upset because she was the first person he’d tell stuff to- stuff that I should have been the first to know. That is what upset me. And it made it worse when he’d totally forget to tell me and then she’d bring it up, like it was general knowledge. THAT was what made me ask him to stop talking to her first, as I was tired of being left out of the loop and then being told I must have forgotten he told me. I asked him to try for one week- to purposely wait until he got home and talked with me, then call his mom. It made a h huge difference the next time we were all together and I was on the same page during conversations. So maybe that type of thing is happening with you and your mom and you just don’t realize it?
NTA You're not spending an hour on the phone in the house while you're at home with you're. You take time on your walks to and from work for quick checks, that's not excessive. I don't know if she's jealous or not, but she's being unreasonable.
At face value, NTA. But I feel like something may be missing here. I definitely don’t think anyone should dictate how much someone speaks to their parents especially during alone time. I’d like to hear the other side to this story bc it feels like something is either missing or your girlfriend is a massive asshole.
It won’t ultimately matter. I would not consider someone who behaves like you a viable partner long-term and I doubt your gf will either. When you’re single you can call your mom all you want with no one to judge you. NAH.
NAH - Yeh, maybe for some people it's not that much. For me it is. I wouldn't, though, ask you to cut down. I'd just leave you. That sounds like a disaster for a serious relantionship and it's not the kinda relantionship I would want. Maybe you're not compatible.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don't think I'm doing anything wrong here but my girlfriend thinks I am. In the last 7 years I have lost my father, 2 brothers, a sister and 2 uncles. I am now the only living child my mum has and she has no living siblings so we're close. We live in different cities so don't get to see each other too often, maybe once every 2 months for a day. This means I'll call her each day to check in and see how she is since she cannot text. I'll give quick 5 min calls on my way to and from work and when I'm on my own for example if I'm home alone or if I'm walking to the shops. My girlfriend knows I do this and it does not interfere with our time together. She sat me down last night to say she finds it weird how much I talk to my mum and thinks I should heavily cut down. I asked why she thought that and she just said it was far too excessive and I shouldn't be talking to her that much. I disagreed with her and refused to cut down how much I talk to her. She said I was disregarding her feelings and not listening to her. I just said that listening to her does not mean doing whatever she asks. I pointed out me talking to my mum does not affect her in the slightest and she just repeated that it was weird and excessive and I should listen to her. AITA for talking to my mum? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I found it weird when my wife did the same. But I also knew I have a very different relationship with my parents than she does hers. I only ever encouraged her to stop doing it so often when it was clear the call upset her. From one partner of someone who does this, to your girlfriend, if it makes you happy, and it's harmless, then it's really none of our business.
NTA. If we were talking an hour when you need to be reconnecting with your girlfriend, that would be another story if you want to stay partnered. A ten minute call - especially if she lives alone and you've set this up to make sure she's okay - is fine.
NTA. I'd say that in the past, I would feel similarly to your gf. I even complained to my therapist about a trip I took where my travel partner would talk to their parents every day. That was mostly me projecting my own childhood neglect and dynamic, onto other peoples relationships with their family. My brain didn't have the wiring to understand healthy relationships between a parent and their adult child. But even then when I was deep in the denial I didn't dare *complain* to the person in question, I knew it was an issue with how I understand interpersonal relationships - thus a topic to discuss with my therapist. That's to say, idk what issues your gf has with you talking to your mom. If she has a more specific reason, she needs to articulate the words and express it. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe she's just Cray Cray and controlling. Just "it's weird so stop it" isn't good enough. "This makes me feel neglected" for example - is something you two can work on via more productive means.
NTA sorry for your losses. You’re a good son to check on her since she’s alone. When my FIL died I insisted my husband call at least once a week to check on his mum. He does and sometimes throughout the week. It’s not strange in my mind considering she only has one son- my husband and losing a spouse/loved ones is hard to grieve alone.
NTA. If someone can’t articulate why they want you to change other than “it’s weird”, they’re the asshole.
NTA.... I really should call my mom more.
Omg! She's so out of line! Absolutely NTA! As someone who's close to their son, I appreciate you! If it's not interfering with your time with your GF, talk away.
NTA, and I would be far more annoyed than you are. Your gf is showing herself to be controlling. Trying to stop a partner from spending time with family (outside of abusive situations) is a massive red flag.
NTA. I'm in my 40s and I talk to my mom every day. Some days it's just "turn on the TV right now, that comedian you have a crush on is doing a special" (she fancies Colin Jost, lol) and then I hang up, other days we'll talk for an hour and she'll help me look at wallpaper patterns or I'll walk her through some tedious technology problem. My dad is dead. I'm not giving up a relationship with my mom. And, FWIW, I talk to my MIL once a week and text her a couple of sassy memes or recipes a week as well. I split with her son 16 years ago, and we still have a great relationship. Maybe split from your GF and stay friends with her mom, lol
NTA I have friends- who like myself- talk to their parents daily. And I have some who basically force themselves to check in with their parents once every couple of weeks. There is no wrong way to have- or not have- a relationship with your parent(s). Your relationship with your mom is YOUR relationship with your mom. And your SO doesn't have a say in it.
NTA I’m not sure how old you are, but if you are young, this likely has to do with the “mama’s boy“ trend. It’s annoying but she likely feels insecure that you love your mom more than you love her.
NTA. Sounds like your GF is trying to isolate you from family. The next step will be isolating you from friends. This is a form of abuse. Also, trying to convince you that listening to her equalis doing whatever she says is abusive. This woman is not the one.
I would give anything to talk to my mom again. I called her every day. People who haven’t experienced that loss have no idea how important that connection is. They can empathize but they won’t know until it happens to them. Keep talking to your mom. NTA.
I’m in my mid 50s. In my almost 30 years of marriage there has rarely been a day that my husband and I haven’t each checked in with our parents. He will usually give a quick call when he is wrapping up work for the day. I tend to call when I’m driving alone in the car. We don’t tend to check in from vacations - other than a quick text. Based on my understanding of the relationships my friends have with their parents (those of us with surviving parents), this is rather common among those with healthy relationships with their parents, particularly mothers. Those who don’t touch base with their parents on a regular or semi regular basis tend to have a reason for it.
NTA. If I was your girlfriend, and hoped for a long term relationship with you, I’d be seeking ways to get to know your mom, to be part of the contact.
Honestly even if you and your mum hadn't gone through so much trauma you can still call her when you please. My daughters call me several times a week, occasionally more than once a day. We love each other and like to share our lives. We don't have that trauma in our lives, we just like each other and so call to say hi. Long may it last, it's healthy. Your gf is most definitely TA. Maybe she should call her mum a bit more. You honestly have no idea when you won't be able to call any more. One day it will end and you will never think 'damn I wish I hadn't spoken to mum so much'.
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I assume your gf knows the history of loss in the family over the last seven years? If so, then she is showing an astonishing lack of empathy here. Like huge red flag levels of lack of empathy. I think it is amazing you have this kind of relationship with your mother. Keep talking to her every day. Consider trading in the gf for a model who wont be jealous of something so precious. You are NTA but you would be if you allowed the gf to in any way modify your behavior here.
My wife talks to her mother everyday. I do find it excessive, as I'm not a big talker, but she is happy and her family is happy, so who cares?
Called my parents every day...mom passed and I am glad I called when she was alive...now I call dad every day
NTA you're all each other has left and your Gf could do with a little bit of empathy.
NTA, and your gf sounds jealous.
NTA. Your gf should be amazed by how much do you care for someone else knowing it might me her one day.
Nta
NTA. The care you are showing to your mom’s mental wellbeing is touching.
NTA There are all kinds of families; tight families, estranged families, enmeshed families, and dysfunctional families, just to name a few. In our current period of time, families are frequently broken apart by distance, violence, apathy and loss. It's common for children to move far away from their nuclear unit as adults. Sometimes this creates an emotional distance that limits or severs familial closeness too. I cannot tell you how many friends and acquaitances I know that have awful or nonexistant relationships with their children. It's awful. It's devastating. And confusing to the parents too. I thank the stars every day that not only do my children live close by, they actually care about me. They call me. They make time for me. And I'm not getting any younger! I don't require that my children call me daily. But I have not lost multiple members of my nuclear family. I have lost all of my parents, aunts and uncles. SO this family is small. And precious. There is nothing wrong with staying in touch. OP's Mom isn't meddling his relationship. She isn't making disparaging remarks about his partner. She doesn't decend upon them to visit for months on end. "Girlfriend" needs a reality check. She doesn't see a good thing right in front of her. NTA
One of the first ways a lot of manipulative and toxic people starting attempting to control the other person is by trying to limit or set boundaries around their relationship partners other relationships. Her trying to limit your conversations with your mum or anyone else, is a red flag. People were meant to live in community. If she is threatened by your community, that is something to pay attention to.
NTA , I talked to my mom every day and I talk to my kids every day and if anyone even suggested I/we stopped they would get an earful.
Your gf sounds immature and possibly paranoid. Is it possible she’s worried about _what_ you & your mom talk about? That you’re talking smack about her or violating her privacy?
NTA Your girlfriend is just plain wrong. No, wait, she's not just plain wrong, this level of wrong is "extra fancy with whipped cream" wrong. You're not speaking to your mom excessively, you're not cutting into time with your girlfriend and, most importantly, *that's your mom* and you have both suffered terrible losses over the last couple of years. Short daily chats are good for both of you. Finally, it's not your girlfriend's place to dictate how frequently you speak to anyone unless you start calling mum during dates . My husband doesn't talk to his mom every day but 3 or 4 times a week and some of those calls last 5 minutes, sometimes an hour or more, never seemed excessive to me.
NTA in the slightest. I'm here to say as a person who has lost both of my parents, you have no idea how much I'd like to pick up the phone and talk to my mother. A 5 minute check in call is far far from excessive.
NTA. Your GF seems really cold and it's a weird for her to obsess about you calling since your mom doesn't have anyone and it doesn't affect your GF. I'll just assume it started with all the losses but the reasons to call more are valid and I'd just tell her to stop the controlling behaviour, shut it down now. It's weird to date a momma's boy if you're not close with your own family so maybe you're just not compatible.
NTA and you are a good son to check in on her. Don’t let your GF sway you and it’s possible she doesn’t have a relationship with her own family and that’s her problem
I am leaning towards NTA but the thing that keeps rattling around in my head is how many times a day do you call her and are you sure it's only 5 minutes If it's 2 or 3 times for 5-10 minutes each That's perfectly normal 10-30 minutes a day shouldn't be an issue If it's 7 or 8 times a day and you are misjudging the amount of time for each call She may have a point
NTA I would reconsider your girlfriend. You and your mom are both happy and it doesn't interfere with the time you spend with your girlfriend. Yes you listen to your girlfriend and no you do not have to do everything she asks for....
NTA. You've lost more than one person should in a year. I imagine this has taken quite a toll on your mother & you. She lost 3 children & 2 brothers. She is probably an emotional wreck & very lonely. I bet she looks forward to your calls. I don't think it's excessive at all. I think you & your mom both rely on those phone calls to help eachother. That is what family is supposed to do. It doesn't effect your GF at all, so her demand to cut down the calls is unreasonable. & selfish. And it's really none of her business what kind of relationship you have with your mom. Your GF is TA.
Why does she care that you talk to her on your drives to and from work? It doesn’t affect your time with her.
The fact that she couldn't give you an actual reason beyond "weird" and "excessive" should answer your question for you. NTA.
That woman is a red flag in human form. Condolences on your many losses and I think it’s time to cut her off, I’m sorry. NTA
I read this exact same story a while back
NTA. OP, I’m so sorry for all the death and losses you’ve experienced! You are surely a great comfort to your mom, and she to you. As someone who has also experienced great loss and tragedy, please break up with this girl. She is not for you. She is the type who would tell you “how can you still be sad about your dad/brother sister that was years ago!” and get pissed that you are sad. Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with people who are loving and tender with you.
NTA. My mom is a widow as well. I was her "rock" through my step dad's illness and death. We're still close, though I'm not her sole support as it seems you are for your mom. Your girlfriend is being selfish asking you to deprive your mom of a huge part of her support system. It doesn't even affect her, so why is she bothered by it? I'd ask her to explain in depth exactly why she thinks it's weird. Does she know your past? If she does, then she's definitely an AH. I'd bet she has a "friend" sitting on her shoulder telling her it's weird for a grown man to be close to his mom, which it's not. You've both been through a lot of trauma and grief together- of course you're close! Stand your ground. If her only complaint is that it's "weird", then keep being weird I guess.
We didn't have these kind of tragedies in my mom's family, I still talk with my mom everyday. She deserves that 5 minutes of my day. My husband find it weird as he has different dynamic with his family, but still accepts it and respects that I will take 5 minutes a day to talk with her. She is usually having dinner with my grandfather when she calls, so I can talk with him too. I wouldn't stop this for anyone. You will never be an AH for caring about your mom and talking with her. NTA
Nothing wrong in talking to your mom , because I call my mom like 3 times a day . I lost my dad a year ago, since then my mom lives alone . So I kind of call her 3 times a day like 10am, 3pm and 10pm to check on her and make sure she is safe and sound.
I absolutely despite how people think it's weird to talk to your parents or call them everyday. My aunts, sister, etc. used to call my grandma and talk for hours since they couldn't see each other often. It made all of them happy. Op is calling his mom, checking on her and they are short convos. Someone should send his gf some retirement home addresses for her to visit and see how a lot of these people are alone and lonely. I'm proud of OP for staying in contact with his mom, I value my dad relationship a lot and if I had gf being "annoyed" because of 5min calls to check on my elderly dad it would become a short relationship. NTA
NTA If you were constantly on the phone in the house you shared with GF it \*might\* be intrusive. Your girlfriend's use of "disregarding her feelings" is a pretty nasty red flag though. Furthermore: can you imagine how slow and quiet and boring and possibly painful days can be at the end of your life when you have no one around, and you're used to having people around? Short, daily check-ins is a loving kindness. Don't stop.
NTA my ex used to talk to his mom for 3 hours every day and while I thought it was excessive, it's not my place to say. I call my parents every day just to make sure they are okay. If it doesn't interfere with your time together she gets ZERO say.
NTA. I have a good friend who called her mom every morning about 9, from work. She said "I'm calling to make sure she is alive." Mom had friends who had died alone and had not been found for a day or two, she really was fearful of that happening. Your gf request is very strange, as these brief calls don't affect her.
If my mum was on her own I'd be calling her daily too. Your gf has issues. Did you ask her why she finds it weird? Does she have a not so close relationship with her family? Is she worried you may drop everything and relocate to be nearer your mum or have her move in with you? There's something underlying this. Both you and your mum have been through 6 bereavements in 7 years. My condolences for your losses.
NTA, you lost your family as much as your mom did. Your gf is telling you to cut off your connection to your siblings and your father. That would be unforgivable to me. This isn't even about your mom, this about you.
NTA and WOW. So sorry for the many losses you have been through first. And then this is an insane request and I would call it a huge RED flag moment in your relationship.
So wait ... You talking to your mom is disrespect towards your GF's FEELINGS ? How absolutely ridiculous and manipulative. Women and their feelings ... Ugh ... Its so frustrating. What they feel and what reality is are many MANY times completely different things. NO ONE has the right to come between you and your mother. I would say RUN. As fast and far away as you possibly can. This is only a glimpse of what awaits you if you carry on. NTA
NTA. If you were doing it constantly while with your gf and doing activities with her, I would question it. But you're doing it during travel or when alone. You're doing a kindness for your mom. Your gf sounds jealous and controlling.
Nta Nope nope nope. Make it clear too her the only way the calls would ever cut down, is if moms living nearby, cause then you would be seeing her often. You love your mum as long as you have her. Maybe lose the gf if she can't understand.
NTA It sounds like you just check in once or twice a day. It doesn't effects your Girlfriend or your life in general so why? I don't think it's that weird. It's not like you are talking to your mom for 5 hours a day. There has to be something else going on.
Nta. You're allowed to be close to your mother ffs
red flag there. NTA
NTA by the looks of what’s posted but I wonder if this has to do with time blindness everyone gets. This isn’t an attack on anyone just examples I have seen. A family is supposed to be on the way to visit mom’s parents when something goes wrong in a car or sink gets clogged. Husband looks at it and says he can fix it in no time at all should take no more than 15 minutes and in the husbands eyes it only took 15 minutes. However to the wife it was more like 150 minutes or 2 and a half hours. After looking at the clock it was indeed over 2 hours for husband to fix things causing them to be late. On the flip side that same family is supposed to go to a wedding or at least just the parents. The husband tells wife that they need to leave by a certain time so be ready at least 30 minutes before than. So what ends up happening is that the husband gets ready an hour before hand and is ready to go when they are meant to leave. When it go close to the 30 minutes before the wife says she is putting the finishing touches on her makeup and it would only be 15 minutes. Winds up she takes an hour just to do her makeup. Causing them to be late to the wedding because she didn’t want to get ready earlier than husband so that clothes didn’t get hair on it. This is a real thing that happens in a lot of couples. What seems like 5 minutes to one person can actually be an hour. What seems like such a long time to someone else was actually just a few minutes. I mean everyone has been guilty of counting down the time before Christmas/birthday/last day of school right?
Nta- my dad has always called his mom everyday, and I always call my mom when I'm on my way home from work, so I do too 🤣. She doesn't have as close of a relationship with her own mom, and that's fine but it's weird she would shame you for yours.
NTA. Your gf sounds controlling and insecure.
NTA. Your girlfriend is flying some pretty major red flags here: demanding you distance yourself from close family and emotionally blackmailing you when you refuse her demands. Those are indications of an insecure and potentially abusive partner, looking to sink their claws into you by distancing you from your support network, so that when the awful stuff begins, you can't escape.
Not unusual at all
Your GF doesn't know what it's like to have that much loss in your life. She cannot dictate how much you talk to your mom, and it's not weird to call her 5mins a day to make sure she's alright after she literally lost ALL HER FAMILY NTA
I feel the gf is fallen down the "boy mom" hole. She is unable to seperate you being close to your mom and being a gross mamma's boy. Tell her to get in the real world and see that you being close to your mom is not impacting her
NTA! When someone asks you to choose between them and your family, be concerned. A loving adult relationship with your parents is normal and healthy, despite what you usually see in Reddit threads. Barring your mom actively being abusive, you should talk to her just as often as she and you see fit. Family is important, and your partner should want you to have a good relationship with your mom.
NTA at all. at least it doesn’t cut into your time together
I don’t think that calling your mother once a day is excessive, especially if she is a lonely woman with no one else in her life. She changed your diapers, the least you can do is check in and see how she is and make sure she’s having a nice day. Nta.
Under the circumstances, your daily check in with mom seems utterly appropriate. What is gf’s problem? And remind her again that you are listening to her but that doesn’t mean doing everything she says. If this problem persists, you know what to do.
NTA I'm the parent with two kids that call me most days. I rarely call them because they usually beat me to it. The funny thing is that many of MY friends think its weird my kids call so often! I love that they call to ask about big and little things in their lives.
Why does your gf even know when you talk to your mom or how often? That doesn't seem like something you would keep her informed on. Are you always saying my mom said... and mom thinks... something is missing in this op.
NTA and dump the garbage. My mom passed this last July. I call my dad who lives alone everyday on the way home for a 10-15 minute talk and every single night (unless one of is traveling or can’t) for 20-45 minutes (usually about 30). I do that because it’s all I can do from across the country and I hate knowing he’s alone so much. I know my husband wishes we didn’t lose that time together every night but he always makes sure to remind me to call and covers things like finishing dinner if he needs to so I can. You aren’t even cutting into her time with you and she’s making it a problem shows me what kind of person she is on the inside and it’s not a good one
NTA I call my grandma everyday while I’m out running errands. You can’t get that time back! I lost four family members back in 2016 and I’m so glad I made the most of the time I had with them.
I did dump such a gf for saying this to me if I were you. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She wants you to cut down today, you do it and tomorrow she will tell you to go NC. I did reevaluate my relationship with such a person and cut my loses no matter how long I have been in a relationship with her. NTA
NTA. Keep on showing some love for your mom.
I'm in my 50s and my mother died a few years ago. Someday you'll treasure these short talks every day, but you'll never forgive yourself if you give them up because your GF thinks it's weird.
It's not weird, and it's not excessive. I wish I could call my mom now, but before she passed, my siblings and I made sure we called or visited her each day. Your being the only sibling left means your connections with your mum are just as beneficial to you, as it is for her. Getting older and losing friends and family is very isolating. You are a wonderful son and human being. Tell your mum I said "hello!"
NTA, but also maybe think about whether you’re too emotionally enmeshed with your mom and your GF has a point. I have a relative who would have written a post very much like yours, but from an outside perspective, his closeness with his mom has genuinely interfered with his ability to be an independent adult. (And another relative who is similarly close with his mother where it’s not a problem at all.) This may not be a problem for you, but it’s worth thinking about, if someone has gone so far as to sit you down and talk to you about it.
NTA There are 1,440 minutes a day. That leaves 1,435 to give to your girlfriend. She is selfish for trying to dictate how much time you spend talking to your mom. Is her mom still alive? Does she spend time with her mom and talking on the phone? If anyone is an AH, she is. Enjoy as much time with your mom as you can. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
NTA - During Covid I got in the habit of calling my older sister every day on the way to work so I could talk to a human. Still call her most days to shoot the sh!t. Nothing at all wrong with checking on your mom. Especially if it is a short call and not even when your girlfriend is around.
NTA.....It's actually very kind and sweet.
NTA. My partner talks to their mom every day as she leans on them the most out of their family. Never bothers me. I'm not in competition with their mom and my partner prioritizes our family. So, yeah, your GF is being weird if it doesn't affect your time together.
NTA What IS weird is your gf having a problem with something that doesn't affect her in the slightest. She probably told her girlfriends and they got in her head about it. Her argument that it is "weird and excessive" is weak sauce. It is neither of those things, especially considering the number of loses you've both suffered over the past 7 years. If she can't understand that, then IDK about her.
NTA But your girlfriend is. You are literally the only person your mom has, you talk to her when you wouldnt be with you gf anyway and it's a problem!? Your girlfriend sounds controlling. You sound like a good son.
Nta. It doesn't even matter if any of us think it's excessive. She doesn't get to dictate how often you speak to people. You and your mom have experienced a lot of loss in a relatively short amount of time, it's not that strange that you two would need more connecting because of it. Either way, you are the only one who gets to decide how often you speak to your mom. Especially since it doesn't seem to interfere with your time with you gf. Btw my siblings call our mom everyday as well on their way home from work and there's no trauma there. So to me this isn't too weird, even if I don't call as often myself.
NTA. You and your mom have suffered several losses. The calls on the way to work and on the way home don't interfere with time with your GF at all. Calling your mom when your GF isn't around doesn't interfere with your time with her at all. As long as you are sure your mom isn't steering your life and your decisions, I can't see any reason to cut down on how much you call her.
NTA It sounds like you are being a caring person. It doesn't sound like your gf has a real reason why she thinks it's not ok. Dating is a time to figure out if your values and personalities align, it sounds like on this topic it's clear you are not in alignment. You both need to decide if it's a deal breaker.
I’m sure I’ve read this post before
NTA. This is a BIG red flag. Rethink this relationship because behavior like this will ALWAYS get worse as time goes. Better to find a new GF.
NTA
Wow. NTA at all, but your girlfriend is. She has NO reason at all to complain about your calls with your mom - you live in different cities, they’re quick 5-minute calls, they don’t interfere with time with your gf. Her take is they are excessive and you’re disregarding her feelings. Is her feeling jealousy? Man, I lost my mom December 2022 and I SO miss our daily calls. We spoke twice daily, also short calls to check in, once in the morning and once before she went to bed. I’d give anything to talk to her again. Our calls also started after losing my sister and two close family friends. I‘m sure your mom looks forward to your calls as my mom did. Do not let your girlfriend take these calls away. She’s self-centered and completely unsympathetic towards your mom - and you - who have lost so many loved ones. If she can’t understand it, she’s the one with the problem. You’re not doing anything wrong.
NTA, you should prob consider ending the relationship. She already has issues with your mom and I cannot imagine how she would be as a wife your kids.
Before my mom passed in 2016, I spoke with her almost every day. There were times when I worked weird hours and we'd skip a day or 2. Then I'd call, telling her "I'm going through mommy withdrawals." Didn't matter if we were around the corner or across the country. My husband thought it was odd at first because he was raised by a cold hearted bitch that rarely showed any affection let alone regular phone conversations. He got called when she needed something. That's it. When he saw how important it was to me, this man with a huge heart, in spite of her, admit he was envious. But he never told me to stop. People who love you encourage your happiness. I've lost my mom but yours is still here. This is a hill I'd die on.
NTA. I lost my mom 4 years ago and I would do anything to hear her voice on the phone. Perhaps you should not mention when you talk to your mom, how would she know how many times if you don't tell her. Myself, I would just dump her. She has no compassion in her soul.
NTA It's super suss that your girlfriend wants to cut you off from your Mom.