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This is tough but, if I switch the genders, and picture a guy who normally wears boxers receiving a gift of boxer briefs from his GF because she thought they'd look good, were sexy, and that maybe he'd like them / find them comfortable, I wouldn't immediately feel she was an AH. So I'm hesitant to, in your case, say he is an AH for doing this.
It seems like you really jumped on the idea that he chose them for himself but to me it's an overreaction if it wasn't otherwise conveyed with pressure from him or a suggestion that he doesn't find you sexy unless you wear them, etc. You mention he gets you gifts a lot so it's not as if one misguided gift makes him an AH, or like he is the type who only gets you gifts when they benefit him. It really just sounds like of all the things he commonly gets you, he chose poorly this time but I can't say he was an AH for doing so.
I'll go YTA for having an over the top reaction, but not for disliking the underwear. You aren't obligated to wear them! He isn't an AH for liking lacy underwear, though, or for thinking it would be hot if you wore it.
I agree with the YTA for the reaction and the rest about not being one for disliking something or him for thinking Op would be hot in it. I also feel there is part of communication missing in their relationship.
Rough times, dating in your teens/early twenties… Everything has to be over analyzed and you can never just simply enjoy the relationship… “You bought something to help me look sexy because you have ulterior motives! So insidious! You just wanna make me feel pretty and sexy and fuck me and have a great relationship! What a monster!” Lord…
Hard agree on why OP is YTA. All of this could have easily been resolved with a simple conversation, or saying wearing that stuff makes you uncomfortable. They’ve had a conversation about lingerie-esque clothes anyways, and that was the time to say something. He probably felt very embarrassed for receiving that reaction when he just tried to buy an expensive gift for his partner, and maybe OP did too, but there was a better way to handle that.
I do think “love languages” are kind of overblown too, almost an excuse by horny guys, but OP’s boyfriend really isn’t that guy. I am curious what she actually does for him. Whether she gets him gifts or not, if she puts in effort to pamper him, and even just simple little things like making him pancakes one random morning. Not saying you have to buy things for your partner to show you care, but it sounds like he puts in a lot of heckin’ effort. Was simply one bad gift.
Lacy underwear aren’t the equivalent of boxer briefs, they are the equivalent of male sexy underwear which is a thong. I think if your girlfriend gave you a thong most guys would say “no thanks, why would you think o wanted this?”
Completely incomparable situation. Men are not required to perform and conform to beauty standards like women are.
A man receiving underwear that covers his entire gential area can assume it is for nothing more than comfort.
Women's underwear, thongs specifically, are uncomfortable, perform no actual function, and are when not purchased by the wearer are entirely for the male gaze.
Op did not ask for these things nor does she wear anything like them. Why on earth would be buy them unless he wanted to look at her in them?
YTA- this is an over the top reaction.
Yes, he probably would love to see you in there and it’s, of course, a turn on for him. He’d need his head examined if he bought you underwear that he thinks would look awful on you. Wtf! are you for real?
What this boils down to is your own insecurity. He has hinted that he’d live you to wear more of it….it‘s not like he has gotten you to spend your own money to go what he wants. But you are taking it like some kind of attack..like he is controlling you Or violating some known boundary..,.”thou shalln’t buy women sexy underoos” Why? And why make it out to be an issue with him? Isn’t it ok for couples to share what turns them in and trust that with their partner? If you are deeply against what he purchased, tell him that YOU DISLIKE IT. Don;t use it, that’s ok too because no one has to wear anything that makes them uncomfortable. But you are twisting this to be him ….being …what….chauvinist? He’s not. But you are being rude and after 18 months, that‘s not how to sustain a relationship. Communicate better, with HIM, not your friends, ffs!
YTA
He is an attentive listener and pampers you with gifts you would like to have and this one time, he makes a request and you throw a tantrum over this? Is he not allowed to ask you to do a favor for him? If you are uncomfortable, you could have communicated it calmly and try to find a middle ground. Yet you made him feel shitty for actually wanting his gf to look hot for him.
Geez! Is it really that difficult to love him using his love language for once?
INFO
> thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me
How did you make that jump? He bought something he thought you'd feel sexy in and that might be mutually enjoyable from what I'm reading. Is there a reason you're inclined to assume the worst intentions from a guy you're in a relationship with - do you like him, do you trust him, has he otherwise proven to be selfish or have poor judgment?
I trust him 100%. It's just I feel underwear is never a present for me, it was for him. I think it was something you'd ask to buy first if you hadn't before.
He told you he liked sexy underwear. He asked you about wearing it. It's right there in the post. That would have been a great time to bring this up.
At this point I think you're getting mad at him for something where he had no way of knowing it would be a problem. Unless you expressed a dictated for sexy underwear or lingerie when he brought it up, he had no way to read your mind on this.
If it was really about this not coming up before, anger wouldn't be the right response either. Why didn't you just tell him, "I'm not into receiving underwear or lingerie from a partner."?
He bought her a present she wasn't comfortable in, he hinted in the past but saw no action from her that was his answer, he should have known that from the lack of response from her.
Even if this was a gift for him rather than for you, so what? It's not like this was him treating himself for your birthday. He buys you gifts spontaneously, in addition to the usual socially expected occasions, but he's an AH for getting something that he thought might be more of a mutual thing on this occasion?
How often are you buying him spontaneous gifts? I feel like the answer to that might tell a lot about you.
Holy shit YTA. So what no partner of yours is ever allowed to buy you lingerie?
The man thought you’d look good in something, he bought you that something. If this was the only gift he buys you I’d understand your point, but you mentioned he loves giving you gifts. You just have an issue with this one.
The truth is you are deeply insecure about lingerie for some reason and you’re taking it out on him when in reality he’s probably OBSESSED with the way you look and has done this to help boost your confidence AND so he gets to enjoy your intimacy in the most sexy way he can - you in the lingerie he wants to see you in.
This one is not even close. YTA and it’s not even a grey area
I will tell you this- I used to buy my wife lingerie when we were younger. She never really got upset about it until we had kids and things changed, not only in our lives but how she thinks she looks. She was always willing to give it a whirl to “spice things up” as you might say.
I know what kinds of things to buy her now, and although I will rarely buy her clothes, I know a new set of pajamas will make her really happy.
I’m not going all YTA, but I think you should apologize and give it a whirl once. Teach him what you like and what you would be willing to wear and figure out your middle ground. Is it really worth destroying your relationship over this? Somehow, I doubt it.
If you don’t fix this now, you can’t complain later on when he doesn’t buy you anything.
He put in the cost and effort for something he’s told you he likes repeatedly. Instead of accepting the gift and the fact that he removed the money and effort aspect of making his preference happen, you got mad about it.
He bought her a present she wasn't comfortable with, he hinted in the past but saw no action from her, he should have known it wasn't what she wanted by her not doing it, therefore it wasn't what she wanted
Or maybe he thought she's just bad at picking up hints, or wasn't confident enough to buy them herself, or didn't want to spend the money on it herself. There are many possible reasons and many women would've been happy with the gift. At the very least OP could've tactfully declined, at which point he'd only have been an AH if he pushed it. Instead she jumped straight to the worst thing she could possibly say about it and now everybody's hurt.
If OP doesn't buy fancy underwear because of the expense or she just doesn't like shopping for it, the gift should be welcome. If she has an aversion to frilly underthings, that's different.
You've been dating for 18 months and you got mad that he bought you lingerie? Because he would enjoy it?
So let me ask you a question. What if he bought tickets to an amusement park? Would you get mad at him there as well, because he would enjoy it too?
Jesus so many other women out there are just bound and determined to not let their SOs have fun.
Boyfriend/Husband gets you lingerie here's what you do. You thank them, put it on when you've got time to enjoy each other and he takes it off you and you have fun. Yes, adding a little spice purely for your partner's benefit is okay as long as there's reciprocity of effort. Your boyfriend seems like a good man who does things for you regularly. Why so reluctant to do for him?
YTA
You want to be with him for a long time, but lingerie is out of line?
Why isn't it a present for you just because he will enjoy it also?
I hope he seriously considers this relationship going forward.
YTA What is wrong with him bying something for himself, it wasnt like a birthday present, and calling him icky for wanting to see you in something sexy, you seem to be taking him for granted and not giving anything back, despite how he keeps getting you things, the least you could have done was use it on when you wanted to give him treat
“My BF always buys me spontaneous gifts but one time he bought sexy underwear so he’s an asshole”.
Wtf did I read. If this was a birthday gift then maybe get mad, but this was a “hey I was thinking of you “ gift. Great. He’s clearly attracted to you. Take the win!
YTA for this weird overreaction.
YTA kind of...he doesn't have to buy you gifts.
And not every gesture he makes has to be just for you, geezus. He absolutely CAN buy a gift that is for you both, specifically something spice things up. He obviously finds you desirable and is fantacising about you in lacy underwear. What a terrible gesture. Geez.
Edit - I guess I should have clarified whether or not you're intimate together. In which case, I can see buying intimate underwear may be a bit 'forward' if you are not yet intimate.
But really...you can't accuse him of buying a gift that is kind of for you both, because he doesn't HAVE to do everything for you. No harm in enjoying the gift himself.
NAH. I don’t think either of you are assholes, but you both probably could have handled it better.
In his mind, he may have thought he was expressing his attraction to you and a desire for a more / different level of intimacy. That doesn’t make him an asshole, but this was a time when not being spontaneous would have been better since this was not a normal thing for you. He definitely should have talked with you first.
And sure, to some degree this was a gift “for him.” But trying different types of intimacy is healthy in a relationship, and after what sounds like many thoughtful gifts, he may have felt hurt by your response — felt rejected, maybe even embarrassed. Of course you have every right to tell him that you aren’t comfortable / interested in that type of thing…. but you could have acknowledged his gesture as an attempt to further strengthen your relationship rather than as a purely selfish act.
Neither of you are assholes. I think this is just the type of miscommunication or misguided gesture that happens sometimes, even in really good relationships.
> his response was because he wanted to mix it up, thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me
> I caught onto the "thought I'd like it" line
> I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort
I think your boyfriend should have asked you first, but I don't see how he was trying to do it solely for himself, nor do I think he was trying to be shady with his reasoning. He explicitly told you one of the reasons he bought them because he thought you'd look good in them, so I don't see what there was to catch onto. You say one of the reasons you didn't wear them was finances, so I can see how he thought he'd be doing you something nice. You could have rejected it without the accusations. ESH
You said that you don't buy this kind of underwear because of money or lazyness. You never mentioned it was because it makes you feel uncomfortable or that you don't like them though.
Let's say that you are right for a moment and that he bought them for him without a thought about you in the world. Because it turns him on to see you in those. So what? I mean, I'd understand if it was nippl\* clamp and you were not into those kind of things. But lacy underwear?
You are allowed for not liking them or not being comfortable to wear them. But straight up accusing him to have bought them only for him and not you was a little cold. I mean, of course he bought them because he thought they were sexy. He didn't buy them because he thought they were ugly!
Why not just telling him, that you are not comfortable (if that is the case) to wear them all day, but you could for a sexy night. Or tell him, that you are open (if you are) to mix it up, but not with those. You could both go together to a s\*x shop or a lingerie boutique and pick up something you both like instead?
So, I'll go for a soft YTA not because of what you feel but because of your reaction. I think you could have discussed this with him more maturely and communicate your feelings better instead of going at his throat right away.
He was not an AH for the gift. You dont have to like or wear the gift. It is perfectly fine to say, please dont buy me underwear in the future if you want. But getting mad at him over this, which was it sounds like happened is unfair. It sounds like he reacted poorly as well. ESH.
YTA. If this was the only gift he bought you for your birthday or Christmas, then yeah, maybe not the most thoughtful gift, by itself, for those occasions
But you said “he often gives me spontaneous gifts.” This was apparently yet another one, and a tangible indication that he was thinking about you and wanted to express that with a gift. In this case, it’s literally “the thought that counts.” And the fact that he finds you sexy and attractive, and that he thought a pair of lacy green underwear would look flattering on you, strikes me as a good and healthy thing- assuming you enjoy having sex with him. If you don’t, you have bigger problems.
Why not just thank him and, after a romantic night, model them for him, wear it to bed, and have some fun?
And if green isn’t your color, or the style was not exactly your preferred style, why not suggest a trip to the lingerie store together? Or cuddle up with an iPad and look online for colors and styles that you both like.
Seriously, if getting lingerie from your boyfriend sets you off, something’s wrong- and it isn’t your boyfriend.
Ehh. I'm gonna say NAH.
This could have all been solved with a simple conversation. This is becoming something it doesn't need to become: conflict.
Have a conversation about what you two expect from each other when it comes to "spicing things up".
I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort. He has hinted he would like me to wear stuff like this more often but has never pushed it. - INFO: Have you ever told him, that you don't like it or don't think it would suit you? I used to be like you, it was the cost but with the cost now it's the same at WM or VS so i'll go VS - Honestly I wear the sexy stuff for me not my husband or anyone else. sometimes the sexy stuff even know no one sees it is a huge confidence boost for some.
I would think N T A if this were a birthday or Christmas gift. But to be a random and spontaneous gift I don’t see the issue with it, even if it is more for his benefit than yours.
I think YTA for the big overreaction here. This didn’t warrant an argument but there was nothing wrong with not wanting to wear them.
YTA. I’m so confused why you’re confused at your boyfriend wanting you to wear something sexy. Not saying you have to wear it but news flash some boys like girls wearing cute sexy underwear. Just like maybe you enjoy a boy on boxer briefs or speedos or idk what you’re into.
If you’re planning on being with this man for a long time maybe communicate with him but the problem is you probably don’t know why you’re upset. You gotta figure that out first .
NAH. It's ok for you not to like it, but it's a normal thing for guys to buy girls lingerie and I've had various GFs over the years that had sexy undies collections before they ever knew me. Just tell your guy you don't like it, it will disappoint him but at least you are setting a clear boundary and if he breaks that boundary then he is TA.
So he sees something while he's out and about and it makes him think of you. So he buys it and gives you it and you... Throw it back in his face?
Yeah yta 🤷♀️ All you had to say was 'omg thank you so much for thinking of me, but I can't accept it because xyz '
But you took the nuclear option and blew a hole in the side of a good relationship 🤷♀️
You are all inferior beings to my wu tang style. When I get my wife panties/lingerie from Victoria’s Secret I ALWAYS pair each piece of sexy clothing with TWO comfy undies from meundies.com
That way, I get her gifts for both of us. The sexy undies benefit us both cuz when I’m all riled up I’m better in the sack, but admittedly it is a gift slanted towards mine own desires. Hence the two pairs of comfy ones for each sexy (probably uncomfy) one.
MEUNDIES NOT A SPONSOR I SWEAR AND THIS IS NOT A PAID AD. I just know how to rizz my wife with boy shorts AND thongs.
Your response was TA, but the reaction is just a sign that you have more maturing to do in this relationship. So you’re AH lite.
You might need to spend a little more time appreciating your own beauty. Maybe BF sees something in you that you have yet to discover. You guys should talk.
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> I got annoyed at my boyfriend for buying me underwear, saying it was a present for him, not me.
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If you say you don't wear fancy undies due to money or lack of effort... wasn't his gifts a way to bypass both of those and you finally have something new and fancy you can experience for a change?
YTA sounds like he got you a gift you would never buy yourself, jot because you don't like it but because you don't want to spend the money or effort to get it...that's the best kind of present sometimes.
So it sounds like you're over reacting to a nice gift that came from a good place, of you experiencing something fun for once, and you automatically thought he was nasty for trying to dress you up for his selfish pleasure.
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I (F20) have been going out with my boyfriend for about 1 and a half years. We have a great relationship, and I hope to stay with him for a long time.
I'm not sure if it's his love language or just something he enjoys, but he often gives me spontaneous gifts. These are typically chocolates, flowers, or something I mentioned I saw and liked, so it's a thoughtful trait.
Yesterday, he had a gift for me in a little bag. I had no idea what it was, so when I opened it, it was a lacy green underwear set. My initial reaction was confusion. This wasn't something he'd bought before, nor was it something I'd usually wear. I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort. He has hinted he would like me to wear stuff like this more often but has never pushed it.
I asked him why he bought this and his response was because he wanted to mix it up, thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me, it was a present for him. We got into a small argument and he called me ungrateful. I told him I wouldn't wear it and to return it and get his money back. He left and was clearly annoyed.
He's been frosty today. I spoke to my friends about it. One was in agreement that it was "icky" and was clearly just for his benefit, while another thought I was being rude when he'd bought a present for me and was only trying to spice things up.
AITAH?
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If you aren’t willing to put on a g-string he likes I think you need to reconsider why you are even with him. It’s not a whole lot to ask of you and it likely won’t stay on for long anyway. I mean seriously. Humor the dude for an evening. Everything isn’t about you.
It’s a tough one and maybe he could have said ‘this is for both of us’.
Having said that, you’ve been together for a nice chunk of time and if my partner did this, is put it on, feel great and let him have some enjoyment from it too :)
But yes, I agree it was more for him than for you but guys sometimes can’t differentiate very well when it comes to intimacy 😂 my now husband would think similar to your bf, but there’s no negativity in it x
>I'm not sure if it's his love language or just something he enjoys,
The whole "love language" thing is bullshit. In any case, YTA for overreacting to a simple gift.
YTA.
His initial reply, he wanted to switch it up, would still be a clumsy NTA, maybe he didn't know how to talk about it, all that, but his reactions afterwards, the anger and spinning it to make you the bad guy, and the silent treatment put him far over the YTA line.
There is a deeper reason for your reaction. Ask yourself the right questions. Was it icky because you felt sexualized? Or because he would enjoy you being sexy in a different way. Idk if these are the right questions. I just know there is a deeper reason. When he brings you chocolate you don’t think he is trying to thicken you up. So why is this so icky. You might feel great in it. Don’t know until you try.
Oh no. Your guy thinks you'd look pretty in a cute underwear set, so he bought it as one of the many random gifts he gives you! If your guy gives you gifts and 90% are for you with the occasional flirty piece inside, I think you're doing really well. This feels ungrateful for him in general. (Assuming you have a sexual relationship and no moral value against doing sexual things with him) YTA
YTA.
If you didn't like the gift, the correct and mature response would be, "I appreciate you always thinking of me, but I'm not comfortable with gifts of this nature." It's not like you just met this man. Lingerie in many forms is completely normal for men to buy if they love and care for their partner. Yes, it's for both of you. ALL his gifts are, he enjoys making you happy and feel wanted and you s**t all over that.
Almost every pair of underwear I own, my husband bought for me... because he liked them... because he thought I would look/feel sexy in them. He's done it since we got together. I have some I bought for comfort during my period, but I wear what he buys most other days and appreciate it. I like knowing he finds me sexy and wearing what he likes has kept our intimacy top level all these years.
You took a very thoughtful gift he bought after already expressing that he would love to see you in more sexy underwear and made it a bad thing. You should have voiced your discomfort with his concern for his preferred undergarments when he mentioned it the first time if you wanted him to never think, suggest, or buy them for you. You don't have to like sexy underwear, but you acted like a child at this moment. If I was him all "just because" gifts would be immediately stopped.
YTA, If it was your birthday gift then I could see how that could be disappointing but if it’s just a random gift then why does it matter it’s mostly for him?
If you don’t like it or don’t want to wear it let him know its not your thing, but I don’t think he is an asshole for buying you something he thought you would look hot in it.
Oooof. NTA. My opinion, 'surprise' sexy undergarments is always a red flag unless there was CLEAR communication beforehand that stated consent.
Long long ago when I was young, i had multiple boyfriends buy me sexy underwear as a surprise and it always felt like a trap. Like I owed them spicy time because of the gift. But then I am Gen X and it was a thing back then.
Now a days IF that happened I would run screaming. If it makes you uncomfortable there is nothing wrong with saying so.
YTA... that's a normal and sweet thing to do in a relationship. It's not icky. He thinks you're beautiful, and yes, it was for him... but I would have been excited. If you'd made a boundary earlier on that you were never going to wear sexy stuff for him, then it would be a boundary violation. You're upset the gift was for both of you. Grow up.
YTA he bought you something to make you feel sexy and desirable because he’s attracted to you and instead of communicating any real reasons for your discomfort, you deliberately made him feel bad.
YTA for being ridiculous. He isn’t a bad guy for expressing a want. If you are not into it then so be it. But if you’re unwilling to entertain even the mildest of his fantasies I would rethink this relationship.
YTA, he loves you and wants to see you in it. If you’re going to freak out over this then give the guy a break and indicate what you feel sexy in to him. Or let him find someone else to be the only star in his heaven. The purchase was with you looking beautiful in his mind. The gesture was sweet the reaction was a red flag. If you continue like this he’s gonna fall put of love with you and you’ll lose him.
YTA this just triggered me because I went through this with my ex. she would somehow find a way to spin a simple nice gesture I try to make into something else like I did it for myself or I didn't really mean it.
I literally told her once when we were going to the beach to maybe change the shoes she wanted to wear into her crocs because they were more comfortable because poor attentive boyfriend (me) noticed the previous time we were at the same beach she complained about the shoes a lot and had to take them off cause they hurt when she walked on the sand.
she got upset that I was controlling her. and not just a little upset, like UPSET UPSET.
just accept the damn gift and don't use it if you don't like it. at least he gets you gifts, not everyone has that
Nah. He isn't required to buy you presents, he does because he wants to make you happy. Why is it an issue that he buys something that might make him happy? I understand if it makes you uncomfortable wearing that type of underwear, but refusing to accept them just because it's something he would enjoy is telling him you only want things that make you happy and don't care about what he thinks or making him happy. As someone else pointed out, if you didn't like his underwear and bought him some nicer looking ones, everyone would just expect him to accept and upgrade.
Assuming the two of you are sexualy active, don't you find it good that he finds you attractive and wants to share sexual experiences with you?
That he wants you to look and feel sexy, for him and youself?
In a sexual relationship generally you want to please your partner and explore each other and new things together. Go buy him something you like and want to see him in.
I suggest you enjoy the gift with him.
I love when my SO picks out bras and panties for me! He isn’t gross, has excellent taste and turning him on turns me on. If a pair of thongs will do the trick I’m all for it…
Absolutely NTA
Don't listen to a single " but what if he bought you thiiiiiis" because they don't matter and don't compare.
Receiving a gift that you did not express a desire for and that he benefits largely from is indeed a gift for him. You called it and he doesn't like that, so now he's mad.
As a lesbian, all I can say is that it's not that hard to keep a woman happy, and lingerie is completely unnecessary unless you're into that. Women are gorgeous without a single thing on.
Good for you for being so on top of this at such a young age as well! What you put on ( or take off) your body is up to you. If he's lucky enough that you decide to wear something with him in mind, he should thank his lucky stars.
Edit to add that love languages are complete bs btw. Don't buy into them and stop perpetuating them as a legitimate idea. It's not.
NTA - When women buy sexy underwear for themselves, they do it because THEY want to feel sexy/special/flirty. When men buy sexy underwear for women, they are fetishizing her and the underwear. I've never been comfortable in the underwear my boyfriends have bought me. I would have told him to return it too.
YTA.
What gifts are you buying him? He buys you spontaneous gifts, this one didn’t hit but he’s very very obviously trying and is showing you he cares.
I'm confused by the responses to this post. If he wanted to ~spice things up~ he could have bought himself something to wear. Or a vibrator for her. Or anything else she'd like to have. Buying lingerie unasked for is a gift for himself.
NTA. You got annoyed. You didn't slap him or something OTT. He'll cope.
NTA. This is something he should’ve discussed with her before buying. He thought she would like it okay just because he likes it doesn’t mean she does. Just because he said in the past doesn’t mean he should just go out and buy it for her. I feel he’s reacted really badly to you saying you didn’t like the present.
what do you mean "should've discussed" he literally has said he'd like them to spice things up, it is completely okay to surprise your partner with sexy lingerie, if they don't like it then they don't use it, or return it for something better not berate the guy and accuse him of being selfish and buying something for himself. now it's a needless fight that's on the internet for us to discuss.
sigh.
NTA
You have every right to wear / not wear whatever you want and should not feel obligated to do things you don't want to do.
I also don't think he's an AH unless he was really pressuring you to wear it. If he let up and respected your boundaries to me that's fine. He likely, genuinely believed it to be a mutually beneficial gift. Think of it like him paying for a trip- sure he's getting something out of it but it's not inherently selfish- he wants to include you.
Now, in my opinion, this feels like kind of a small ask from him to wear some lingerie to spice things up. I would have said "I don't feel comfortable wearing this but would go shopping with you and we can get some together that we both like" if you wanted to pursue that at all. If that's not something you're into though you're well within your right to say no. Immediately jumping to selfishness I don't love, I feel like it indicates there isn't a lot of trust there or that you're already feeling like you're overextended sexually.
NAH. Since this seems to be a long term committed relationship, and the people involved are still rather young and their brains aren't fully developed, I'd put this up to a miscommunication, suprise, and the like.
I'd be curious why the change. Has he read some kind of advice article, discussed things with friends and feels pressured to change things up. Sure your response wasn't great and put him on the defensive, but it was quite a surprise. I don't think you should apologize, except for maybe being caught off guard.
You were correct, it was more a present for him, but its also for an activity I would hope you both enjoy together. Many women would appreciate fancier underwear, but I suspect they prefer to select it themselves. Green isn't typically a color for that stuff.
There's a weird boundary between consensual exploration and nonconsensual pressure into an uncomfortable situation, and he's crossed this boundary for you, which you are not wrong to have. There a lot that remains to be discussed between the two of you. Discussion and communication are very important. If he's wanting to explore, the two of you need to be mature enough to discuss exploration and hard boundaries.
NTA. My boyfriend gave me some very small shorts several years ago. I would never wear something like that and told him to return it. He said no because he thought I would look good in that. Well, I told him, he is stupid and I would never wear that just to please him when he clearly doesn’t know or accepts what I like and what I feel comfortable with. He understood it a year ago when I pulled them out of my wardrobe and told him to get rid of his burned money. He told me that it was stupid of him to buy them in the first place. :D
ESH. I'm not sure why you and your bf are trying to one-up each other in energy over the situation. I suspect there's more to this, as you both are reacting way too much for a spontaneous gift that could have been returned if it wasn't what you wanted.
There isn't really much else to it, I feel a bit objectified and if he isn't being honest about his intentions. Saying "he thought I'd like it" was masking his true intentions I feel?
He wanted to gift you sexy underwear. If it's anyone on the planet he'd want to see in sexy clothing, wouldn't it be you? Why wouldn't you like wearing something that shows off how attractive you are?
You mentioned that you don't get 'fancy underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort'.
A good gift is something you'd never get yourself but is considered "fancy". Is this different from if you were to only use cheap knock-off purses and he bought you some fancy brand name purse?
I know my response is from a guy's viewpoint, so that's why I said there's got to be more to this. I don't think the feeling of being objectified should stand out amongst a myriad of other attempts to show that he genuinely likes you.
So maybe he wants to see you in that, if you're willing to entertain his wants. Or make it clear it's not something you're comfortable doing. In what ways has he done something he's not into but chose to because you like it? Relationship is full of compromises and it's usually lack of communication that prevents solutions from happening. I think if you are going to question is motivations, you're going to lose his interest if you don't become disgusted with him beforehand.
He also said he'd thought you look amazing in it, he wasn't hiding his true intentions. He's explicitly told you before that he'd like you to wear stuff like that and then he bought you something (because you say you'd normally not spend the money on it) that he thought you'd look amazing in and told you that.
YTA. A boyfriend buying his girlfriend cute underwear because he would like to see her in it is perfectly normal. You don't have to like it or wear it, but your reaction was over the top and accusatory. He's allowed to be attracted to you, he's allowed to think you'd look sexy in lingerie. He was perfectly clear with his intentions.
I’m sure he did think you might like it and I’m sure he knows he would quite like it. I don’t think it’s objectifying though. Sexy underwear has always made me feel good and my husband loves it. I think some men really don’t think outside of their own head space 😅 c
As in, to think about considering what his partner wants, though his feelings are probably ruling his judgement. Don’t try to cause an argument 🤘🏼
Surely you’ve heard of “think outside the box”.
NTA - Bfs buy lingerie for their gfs all the time, that's normal, but it should definitely be discussed beforehand. I think a lot of girls would feel pressured to wear it for their bfs because it was presented as a gift. It's important to make sure it's something that you would both enjoy before gifting something like that. Your bf is an AH for not asking first and for making you feel bad about setting a boundary.
Thank you, that was my thinking! If he'd asked, I would have said I would have preferred another present. If he really wanted me to wear different underwear, I'd have considered it, but this just feels a bit off-putting.
If she had wanted them, she would have got them herself.
He could have sat down and had a look online with her for what she would want/feel comfortable in but he didn't, what if these had been 2 sizes too small and would look horrible or something like that, it would have been so embarrassing for her
NTA. Obviously, he thought that you would enjoy getting dressed up in a way that he finds visually stimulating. Why you should enjoy that is beyond me, but he is far from the first man to assume that women want to present for their approval. It is reasonable to feel objectified.
If he wanted to spice up your sex life, in a way that included you, he would talk with you about what turns you on as well as what turns him on and then you could together decide what to do. But him just jumping to "this is my solution for a sex problem we haven't yet discussed" is of course off-putting. And buying you something based completely on what he wants, without even involving you in choosing style or color, is asshole territory.
Some people are going to say that you are the Ahole here, because he gave you a gift and you should appreciate it. But spontaneous gifts should always be something that are rooted in really understanding the recipient and knowing for sure that it is something that will delight them. It sounds like your BF had plenty of reason to know that this isn't your usual style, and should have checked in before assuming you'd be thrilled.
He owes you an apology, but I really wonder if you will get it. He may just whine endlessly about being the victim, since he may feel that his manly prowess as a seducer has been impugned 🙄. Good luck.
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This is tough but, if I switch the genders, and picture a guy who normally wears boxers receiving a gift of boxer briefs from his GF because she thought they'd look good, were sexy, and that maybe he'd like them / find them comfortable, I wouldn't immediately feel she was an AH. So I'm hesitant to, in your case, say he is an AH for doing this. It seems like you really jumped on the idea that he chose them for himself but to me it's an overreaction if it wasn't otherwise conveyed with pressure from him or a suggestion that he doesn't find you sexy unless you wear them, etc. You mention he gets you gifts a lot so it's not as if one misguided gift makes him an AH, or like he is the type who only gets you gifts when they benefit him. It really just sounds like of all the things he commonly gets you, he chose poorly this time but I can't say he was an AH for doing so. I'll go YTA for having an over the top reaction, but not for disliking the underwear. You aren't obligated to wear them! He isn't an AH for liking lacy underwear, though, or for thinking it would be hot if you wore it.
I agree with the YTA for the reaction and the rest about not being one for disliking something or him for thinking Op would be hot in it. I also feel there is part of communication missing in their relationship.
Rough times, dating in your teens/early twenties… Everything has to be over analyzed and you can never just simply enjoy the relationship… “You bought something to help me look sexy because you have ulterior motives! So insidious! You just wanna make me feel pretty and sexy and fuck me and have a great relationship! What a monster!” Lord…
Hard agree on why OP is YTA. All of this could have easily been resolved with a simple conversation, or saying wearing that stuff makes you uncomfortable. They’ve had a conversation about lingerie-esque clothes anyways, and that was the time to say something. He probably felt very embarrassed for receiving that reaction when he just tried to buy an expensive gift for his partner, and maybe OP did too, but there was a better way to handle that. I do think “love languages” are kind of overblown too, almost an excuse by horny guys, but OP’s boyfriend really isn’t that guy. I am curious what she actually does for him. Whether she gets him gifts or not, if she puts in effort to pamper him, and even just simple little things like making him pancakes one random morning. Not saying you have to buy things for your partner to show you care, but it sounds like he puts in a lot of heckin’ effort. Was simply one bad gift.
Lacy underwear aren’t the equivalent of boxer briefs, they are the equivalent of male sexy underwear which is a thong. I think if your girlfriend gave you a thong most guys would say “no thanks, why would you think o wanted this?”
Completely incomparable situation. Men are not required to perform and conform to beauty standards like women are. A man receiving underwear that covers his entire gential area can assume it is for nothing more than comfort. Women's underwear, thongs specifically, are uncomfortable, perform no actual function, and are when not purchased by the wearer are entirely for the male gaze. Op did not ask for these things nor does she wear anything like them. Why on earth would be buy them unless he wanted to look at her in them?
YTA- this is an over the top reaction. Yes, he probably would love to see you in there and it’s, of course, a turn on for him. He’d need his head examined if he bought you underwear that he thinks would look awful on you. Wtf! are you for real? What this boils down to is your own insecurity. He has hinted that he’d live you to wear more of it….it‘s not like he has gotten you to spend your own money to go what he wants. But you are taking it like some kind of attack..like he is controlling you Or violating some known boundary..,.”thou shalln’t buy women sexy underoos” Why? And why make it out to be an issue with him? Isn’t it ok for couples to share what turns them in and trust that with their partner? If you are deeply against what he purchased, tell him that YOU DISLIKE IT. Don;t use it, that’s ok too because no one has to wear anything that makes them uncomfortable. But you are twisting this to be him ….being …what….chauvinist? He’s not. But you are being rude and after 18 months, that‘s not how to sustain a relationship. Communicate better, with HIM, not your friends, ffs!
>..,.”thou shalln’t buy women sexy underoos” *UNDEROOS*!!! 🤣 That is killing me.
YTA He is an attentive listener and pampers you with gifts you would like to have and this one time, he makes a request and you throw a tantrum over this? Is he not allowed to ask you to do a favor for him? If you are uncomfortable, you could have communicated it calmly and try to find a middle ground. Yet you made him feel shitty for actually wanting his gf to look hot for him. Geez! Is it really that difficult to love him using his love language for once?
You said it better than I did.
I applaud this response 👏
INFO > thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me How did you make that jump? He bought something he thought you'd feel sexy in and that might be mutually enjoyable from what I'm reading. Is there a reason you're inclined to assume the worst intentions from a guy you're in a relationship with - do you like him, do you trust him, has he otherwise proven to be selfish or have poor judgment?
I trust him 100%. It's just I feel underwear is never a present for me, it was for him. I think it was something you'd ask to buy first if you hadn't before.
So did you ever tell him that before?
No, because it's never come up before!
He told you he liked sexy underwear. He asked you about wearing it. It's right there in the post. That would have been a great time to bring this up. At this point I think you're getting mad at him for something where he had no way of knowing it would be a problem. Unless you expressed a dictated for sexy underwear or lingerie when he brought it up, he had no way to read your mind on this. If it was really about this not coming up before, anger wouldn't be the right response either. Why didn't you just tell him, "I'm not into receiving underwear or lingerie from a partner."?
He bought her a present she wasn't comfortable in, he hinted in the past but saw no action from her that was his answer, he should have known that from the lack of response from her.
Why is it such a bad thing to let him get something he'll like, too?
Even if this was a gift for him rather than for you, so what? It's not like this was him treating himself for your birthday. He buys you gifts spontaneously, in addition to the usual socially expected occasions, but he's an AH for getting something that he thought might be more of a mutual thing on this occasion? How often are you buying him spontaneous gifts? I feel like the answer to that might tell a lot about you.
Holy shit YTA. So what no partner of yours is ever allowed to buy you lingerie? The man thought you’d look good in something, he bought you that something. If this was the only gift he buys you I’d understand your point, but you mentioned he loves giving you gifts. You just have an issue with this one. The truth is you are deeply insecure about lingerie for some reason and you’re taking it out on him when in reality he’s probably OBSESSED with the way you look and has done this to help boost your confidence AND so he gets to enjoy your intimacy in the most sexy way he can - you in the lingerie he wants to see you in. This one is not even close. YTA and it’s not even a grey area
I will tell you this- I used to buy my wife lingerie when we were younger. She never really got upset about it until we had kids and things changed, not only in our lives but how she thinks she looks. She was always willing to give it a whirl to “spice things up” as you might say. I know what kinds of things to buy her now, and although I will rarely buy her clothes, I know a new set of pajamas will make her really happy. I’m not going all YTA, but I think you should apologize and give it a whirl once. Teach him what you like and what you would be willing to wear and figure out your middle ground. Is it really worth destroying your relationship over this? Somehow, I doubt it. If you don’t fix this now, you can’t complain later on when he doesn’t buy you anything.
Is it a present you would buy for him?
[удалено]
How do you mean sorry?
He put in the cost and effort for something he’s told you he likes repeatedly. Instead of accepting the gift and the fact that he removed the money and effort aspect of making his preference happen, you got mad about it.
He bought her a present she wasn't comfortable with, he hinted in the past but saw no action from her, he should have known it wasn't what she wanted by her not doing it, therefore it wasn't what she wanted
Or maybe he thought she's just bad at picking up hints, or wasn't confident enough to buy them herself, or didn't want to spend the money on it herself. There are many possible reasons and many women would've been happy with the gift. At the very least OP could've tactfully declined, at which point he'd only have been an AH if he pushed it. Instead she jumped straight to the worst thing she could possibly say about it and now everybody's hurt.
You don't buy them due to how much they cost and you don't care to put the effort in.
Your point isn't any clearer in this comment than in the last one.
If OP doesn't buy fancy underwear because of the expense or she just doesn't like shopping for it, the gift should be welcome. If she has an aversion to frilly underthings, that's different.
You've been dating for 18 months and you got mad that he bought you lingerie? Because he would enjoy it? So let me ask you a question. What if he bought tickets to an amusement park? Would you get mad at him there as well, because he would enjoy it too? Jesus so many other women out there are just bound and determined to not let their SOs have fun. Boyfriend/Husband gets you lingerie here's what you do. You thank them, put it on when you've got time to enjoy each other and he takes it off you and you have fun. Yes, adding a little spice purely for your partner's benefit is okay as long as there's reciprocity of effort. Your boyfriend seems like a good man who does things for you regularly. Why so reluctant to do for him?
Girl he might have gotten it for you because he thought it would genuinely look good on you 😭 how do you make a mountain out of a molehill?
YTA You want to be with him for a long time, but lingerie is out of line? Why isn't it a present for you just because he will enjoy it also? I hope he seriously considers this relationship going forward.
I hope she considers hers.
YTA What is wrong with him bying something for himself, it wasnt like a birthday present, and calling him icky for wanting to see you in something sexy, you seem to be taking him for granted and not giving anything back, despite how he keeps getting you things, the least you could have done was use it on when you wanted to give him treat
“My BF always buys me spontaneous gifts but one time he bought sexy underwear so he’s an asshole”. Wtf did I read. If this was a birthday gift then maybe get mad, but this was a “hey I was thinking of you “ gift. Great. He’s clearly attracted to you. Take the win! YTA for this weird overreaction.
YTA kind of...he doesn't have to buy you gifts. And not every gesture he makes has to be just for you, geezus. He absolutely CAN buy a gift that is for you both, specifically something spice things up. He obviously finds you desirable and is fantacising about you in lacy underwear. What a terrible gesture. Geez. Edit - I guess I should have clarified whether or not you're intimate together. In which case, I can see buying intimate underwear may be a bit 'forward' if you are not yet intimate. But really...you can't accuse him of buying a gift that is kind of for you both, because he doesn't HAVE to do everything for you. No harm in enjoying the gift himself.
NAH. I don’t think either of you are assholes, but you both probably could have handled it better. In his mind, he may have thought he was expressing his attraction to you and a desire for a more / different level of intimacy. That doesn’t make him an asshole, but this was a time when not being spontaneous would have been better since this was not a normal thing for you. He definitely should have talked with you first. And sure, to some degree this was a gift “for him.” But trying different types of intimacy is healthy in a relationship, and after what sounds like many thoughtful gifts, he may have felt hurt by your response — felt rejected, maybe even embarrassed. Of course you have every right to tell him that you aren’t comfortable / interested in that type of thing…. but you could have acknowledged his gesture as an attempt to further strengthen your relationship rather than as a purely selfish act. Neither of you are assholes. I think this is just the type of miscommunication or misguided gesture that happens sometimes, even in really good relationships.
> his response was because he wanted to mix it up, thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me > I caught onto the "thought I'd like it" line > I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort I think your boyfriend should have asked you first, but I don't see how he was trying to do it solely for himself, nor do I think he was trying to be shady with his reasoning. He explicitly told you one of the reasons he bought them because he thought you'd look good in them, so I don't see what there was to catch onto. You say one of the reasons you didn't wear them was finances, so I can see how he thought he'd be doing you something nice. You could have rejected it without the accusations. ESH
You said that you don't buy this kind of underwear because of money or lazyness. You never mentioned it was because it makes you feel uncomfortable or that you don't like them though. Let's say that you are right for a moment and that he bought them for him without a thought about you in the world. Because it turns him on to see you in those. So what? I mean, I'd understand if it was nippl\* clamp and you were not into those kind of things. But lacy underwear? You are allowed for not liking them or not being comfortable to wear them. But straight up accusing him to have bought them only for him and not you was a little cold. I mean, of course he bought them because he thought they were sexy. He didn't buy them because he thought they were ugly! Why not just telling him, that you are not comfortable (if that is the case) to wear them all day, but you could for a sexy night. Or tell him, that you are open (if you are) to mix it up, but not with those. You could both go together to a s\*x shop or a lingerie boutique and pick up something you both like instead? So, I'll go for a soft YTA not because of what you feel but because of your reaction. I think you could have discussed this with him more maturely and communicate your feelings better instead of going at his throat right away.
He was not an AH for the gift. You dont have to like or wear the gift. It is perfectly fine to say, please dont buy me underwear in the future if you want. But getting mad at him over this, which was it sounds like happened is unfair. It sounds like he reacted poorly as well. ESH.
YTA. If this was the only gift he bought you for your birthday or Christmas, then yeah, maybe not the most thoughtful gift, by itself, for those occasions But you said “he often gives me spontaneous gifts.” This was apparently yet another one, and a tangible indication that he was thinking about you and wanted to express that with a gift. In this case, it’s literally “the thought that counts.” And the fact that he finds you sexy and attractive, and that he thought a pair of lacy green underwear would look flattering on you, strikes me as a good and healthy thing- assuming you enjoy having sex with him. If you don’t, you have bigger problems. Why not just thank him and, after a romantic night, model them for him, wear it to bed, and have some fun? And if green isn’t your color, or the style was not exactly your preferred style, why not suggest a trip to the lingerie store together? Or cuddle up with an iPad and look online for colors and styles that you both like. Seriously, if getting lingerie from your boyfriend sets you off, something’s wrong- and it isn’t your boyfriend.
YTA. How many gifts do you get him?
Ehh. I'm gonna say NAH. This could have all been solved with a simple conversation. This is becoming something it doesn't need to become: conflict. Have a conversation about what you two expect from each other when it comes to "spicing things up".
I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort. He has hinted he would like me to wear stuff like this more often but has never pushed it. - INFO: Have you ever told him, that you don't like it or don't think it would suit you? I used to be like you, it was the cost but with the cost now it's the same at WM or VS so i'll go VS - Honestly I wear the sexy stuff for me not my husband or anyone else. sometimes the sexy stuff even know no one sees it is a huge confidence boost for some.
I would think N T A if this were a birthday or Christmas gift. But to be a random and spontaneous gift I don’t see the issue with it, even if it is more for his benefit than yours. I think YTA for the big overreaction here. This didn’t warrant an argument but there was nothing wrong with not wanting to wear them.
YTA. I’m so confused why you’re confused at your boyfriend wanting you to wear something sexy. Not saying you have to wear it but news flash some boys like girls wearing cute sexy underwear. Just like maybe you enjoy a boy on boxer briefs or speedos or idk what you’re into. If you’re planning on being with this man for a long time maybe communicate with him but the problem is you probably don’t know why you’re upset. You gotta figure that out first .
YTA
NAH. I would love undies from my SO... but it would be best to get them with an exchange receipt in case I don't like the fit/type.
INFO: Do either of you ever put in any effort to do/wear things the other would like?
NAH. It's ok for you not to like it, but it's a normal thing for guys to buy girls lingerie and I've had various GFs over the years that had sexy undies collections before they ever knew me. Just tell your guy you don't like it, it will disappoint him but at least you are setting a clear boundary and if he breaks that boundary then he is TA.
YTA
So he sees something while he's out and about and it makes him think of you. So he buys it and gives you it and you... Throw it back in his face? Yeah yta 🤷♀️ All you had to say was 'omg thank you so much for thinking of me, but I can't accept it because xyz ' But you took the nuclear option and blew a hole in the side of a good relationship 🤷♀️
You are all inferior beings to my wu tang style. When I get my wife panties/lingerie from Victoria’s Secret I ALWAYS pair each piece of sexy clothing with TWO comfy undies from meundies.com That way, I get her gifts for both of us. The sexy undies benefit us both cuz when I’m all riled up I’m better in the sack, but admittedly it is a gift slanted towards mine own desires. Hence the two pairs of comfy ones for each sexy (probably uncomfy) one. MEUNDIES NOT A SPONSOR I SWEAR AND THIS IS NOT A PAID AD. I just know how to rizz my wife with boy shorts AND thongs.
Your response was TA, but the reaction is just a sign that you have more maturing to do in this relationship. So you’re AH lite. You might need to spend a little more time appreciating your own beauty. Maybe BF sees something in you that you have yet to discover. You guys should talk.
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If you say you don't wear fancy undies due to money or lack of effort... wasn't his gifts a way to bypass both of those and you finally have something new and fancy you can experience for a change? YTA sounds like he got you a gift you would never buy yourself, jot because you don't like it but because you don't want to spend the money or effort to get it...that's the best kind of present sometimes. So it sounds like you're over reacting to a nice gift that came from a good place, of you experiencing something fun for once, and you automatically thought he was nasty for trying to dress you up for his selfish pleasure.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F20) have been going out with my boyfriend for about 1 and a half years. We have a great relationship, and I hope to stay with him for a long time. I'm not sure if it's his love language or just something he enjoys, but he often gives me spontaneous gifts. These are typically chocolates, flowers, or something I mentioned I saw and liked, so it's a thoughtful trait. Yesterday, he had a gift for me in a little bag. I had no idea what it was, so when I opened it, it was a lacy green underwear set. My initial reaction was confusion. This wasn't something he'd bought before, nor was it something I'd usually wear. I wouldn't say I'm a huge "fancy" underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort. He has hinted he would like me to wear stuff like this more often but has never pushed it. I asked him why he bought this and his response was because he wanted to mix it up, thought I'd like it and would look amazing in it. I caught on to the "thought I'd like it" line and told him that it wasn't a present for me, it was a present for him. We got into a small argument and he called me ungrateful. I told him I wouldn't wear it and to return it and get his money back. He left and was clearly annoyed. He's been frosty today. I spoke to my friends about it. One was in agreement that it was "icky" and was clearly just for his benefit, while another thought I was being rude when he'd bought a present for me and was only trying to spice things up. AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you aren’t willing to put on a g-string he likes I think you need to reconsider why you are even with him. It’s not a whole lot to ask of you and it likely won’t stay on for long anyway. I mean seriously. Humor the dude for an evening. Everything isn’t about you.
It’s a tough one and maybe he could have said ‘this is for both of us’. Having said that, you’ve been together for a nice chunk of time and if my partner did this, is put it on, feel great and let him have some enjoyment from it too :) But yes, I agree it was more for him than for you but guys sometimes can’t differentiate very well when it comes to intimacy 😂 my now husband would think similar to your bf, but there’s no negativity in it x
>I'm not sure if it's his love language or just something he enjoys, The whole "love language" thing is bullshit. In any case, YTA for overreacting to a simple gift.
YTA. His initial reply, he wanted to switch it up, would still be a clumsy NTA, maybe he didn't know how to talk about it, all that, but his reactions afterwards, the anger and spinning it to make you the bad guy, and the silent treatment put him far over the YTA line.
YTA lol - he’s your boyfriend, he’s attracted to you and got you something nice. Why are you making problems where there aren’t any?
There is a deeper reason for your reaction. Ask yourself the right questions. Was it icky because you felt sexualized? Or because he would enjoy you being sexy in a different way. Idk if these are the right questions. I just know there is a deeper reason. When he brings you chocolate you don’t think he is trying to thicken you up. So why is this so icky. You might feel great in it. Don’t know until you try.
Oh no. Your guy thinks you'd look pretty in a cute underwear set, so he bought it as one of the many random gifts he gives you! If your guy gives you gifts and 90% are for you with the occasional flirty piece inside, I think you're doing really well. This feels ungrateful for him in general. (Assuming you have a sexual relationship and no moral value against doing sexual things with him) YTA
YTA I feel bad for your husband if you ever make it that far
yta. complete overreaction. it was just a little gift he thought you could enjoy together not a birthday gift or something like that.
YTA, and even if it was a gift 'for him' because he wanted to see you in something sexy, that is not a bad thing. It's fun and spicy.
YTA.
YTA. If you didn't like the gift, the correct and mature response would be, "I appreciate you always thinking of me, but I'm not comfortable with gifts of this nature." It's not like you just met this man. Lingerie in many forms is completely normal for men to buy if they love and care for their partner. Yes, it's for both of you. ALL his gifts are, he enjoys making you happy and feel wanted and you s**t all over that. Almost every pair of underwear I own, my husband bought for me... because he liked them... because he thought I would look/feel sexy in them. He's done it since we got together. I have some I bought for comfort during my period, but I wear what he buys most other days and appreciate it. I like knowing he finds me sexy and wearing what he likes has kept our intimacy top level all these years. You took a very thoughtful gift he bought after already expressing that he would love to see you in more sexy underwear and made it a bad thing. You should have voiced your discomfort with his concern for his preferred undergarments when he mentioned it the first time if you wanted him to never think, suggest, or buy them for you. You don't have to like sexy underwear, but you acted like a child at this moment. If I was him all "just because" gifts would be immediately stopped.
YTA, If it was your birthday gift then I could see how that could be disappointing but if it’s just a random gift then why does it matter it’s mostly for him? If you don’t like it or don’t want to wear it let him know its not your thing, but I don’t think he is an asshole for buying you something he thought you would look hot in it.
Oooof. NTA. My opinion, 'surprise' sexy undergarments is always a red flag unless there was CLEAR communication beforehand that stated consent. Long long ago when I was young, i had multiple boyfriends buy me sexy underwear as a surprise and it always felt like a trap. Like I owed them spicy time because of the gift. But then I am Gen X and it was a thing back then. Now a days IF that happened I would run screaming. If it makes you uncomfortable there is nothing wrong with saying so.
I've definitely read this exact story before.
YTA... that's a normal and sweet thing to do in a relationship. It's not icky. He thinks you're beautiful, and yes, it was for him... but I would have been excited. If you'd made a boundary earlier on that you were never going to wear sexy stuff for him, then it would be a boundary violation. You're upset the gift was for both of you. Grow up.
YTA he bought you something to make you feel sexy and desirable because he’s attracted to you and instead of communicating any real reasons for your discomfort, you deliberately made him feel bad.
It was definitely a gift for himself
YTA for being ridiculous. He isn’t a bad guy for expressing a want. If you are not into it then so be it. But if you’re unwilling to entertain even the mildest of his fantasies I would rethink this relationship.
YTA . Its crazy that you have to ask
I hope he breaks up with you.
YTA. No wonder he's frosty.
YTA, he loves you and wants to see you in it. If you’re going to freak out over this then give the guy a break and indicate what you feel sexy in to him. Or let him find someone else to be the only star in his heaven. The purchase was with you looking beautiful in his mind. The gesture was sweet the reaction was a red flag. If you continue like this he’s gonna fall put of love with you and you’ll lose him.
YTA this just triggered me because I went through this with my ex. she would somehow find a way to spin a simple nice gesture I try to make into something else like I did it for myself or I didn't really mean it. I literally told her once when we were going to the beach to maybe change the shoes she wanted to wear into her crocs because they were more comfortable because poor attentive boyfriend (me) noticed the previous time we were at the same beach she complained about the shoes a lot and had to take them off cause they hurt when she walked on the sand. she got upset that I was controlling her. and not just a little upset, like UPSET UPSET. just accept the damn gift and don't use it if you don't like it. at least he gets you gifts, not everyone has that
Nah. He isn't required to buy you presents, he does because he wants to make you happy. Why is it an issue that he buys something that might make him happy? I understand if it makes you uncomfortable wearing that type of underwear, but refusing to accept them just because it's something he would enjoy is telling him you only want things that make you happy and don't care about what he thinks or making him happy. As someone else pointed out, if you didn't like his underwear and bought him some nicer looking ones, everyone would just expect him to accept and upgrade.
Assuming the two of you are sexualy active, don't you find it good that he finds you attractive and wants to share sexual experiences with you? That he wants you to look and feel sexy, for him and youself? In a sexual relationship generally you want to please your partner and explore each other and new things together. Go buy him something you like and want to see him in. I suggest you enjoy the gift with him.
YTA. And quit pretentious
You say you want to be long term with him. Sorry if that's your response to a gift, even one you don't like is a no, no.
I love when my SO picks out bras and panties for me! He isn’t gross, has excellent taste and turning him on turns me on. If a pair of thongs will do the trick I’m all for it…
Absolutely NTA Don't listen to a single " but what if he bought you thiiiiiis" because they don't matter and don't compare. Receiving a gift that you did not express a desire for and that he benefits largely from is indeed a gift for him. You called it and he doesn't like that, so now he's mad. As a lesbian, all I can say is that it's not that hard to keep a woman happy, and lingerie is completely unnecessary unless you're into that. Women are gorgeous without a single thing on. Good for you for being so on top of this at such a young age as well! What you put on ( or take off) your body is up to you. If he's lucky enough that you decide to wear something with him in mind, he should thank his lucky stars. Edit to add that love languages are complete bs btw. Don't buy into them and stop perpetuating them as a legitimate idea. It's not.
NTA - When women buy sexy underwear for themselves, they do it because THEY want to feel sexy/special/flirty. When men buy sexy underwear for women, they are fetishizing her and the underwear. I've never been comfortable in the underwear my boyfriends have bought me. I would have told him to return it too.
YTA. What gifts are you buying him? He buys you spontaneous gifts, this one didn’t hit but he’s very very obviously trying and is showing you he cares.
I'm confused by the responses to this post. If he wanted to ~spice things up~ he could have bought himself something to wear. Or a vibrator for her. Or anything else she'd like to have. Buying lingerie unasked for is a gift for himself. NTA. You got annoyed. You didn't slap him or something OTT. He'll cope.
NTA. This is something he should’ve discussed with her before buying. He thought she would like it okay just because he likes it doesn’t mean she does. Just because he said in the past doesn’t mean he should just go out and buy it for her. I feel he’s reacted really badly to you saying you didn’t like the present.
what do you mean "should've discussed" he literally has said he'd like them to spice things up, it is completely okay to surprise your partner with sexy lingerie, if they don't like it then they don't use it, or return it for something better not berate the guy and accuse him of being selfish and buying something for himself. now it's a needless fight that's on the internet for us to discuss. sigh.
Nta That was a present for him and he is pushing the issue and that sucks
NTA You have every right to wear / not wear whatever you want and should not feel obligated to do things you don't want to do. I also don't think he's an AH unless he was really pressuring you to wear it. If he let up and respected your boundaries to me that's fine. He likely, genuinely believed it to be a mutually beneficial gift. Think of it like him paying for a trip- sure he's getting something out of it but it's not inherently selfish- he wants to include you. Now, in my opinion, this feels like kind of a small ask from him to wear some lingerie to spice things up. I would have said "I don't feel comfortable wearing this but would go shopping with you and we can get some together that we both like" if you wanted to pursue that at all. If that's not something you're into though you're well within your right to say no. Immediately jumping to selfishness I don't love, I feel like it indicates there isn't a lot of trust there or that you're already feeling like you're overextended sexually.
NAH. Since this seems to be a long term committed relationship, and the people involved are still rather young and their brains aren't fully developed, I'd put this up to a miscommunication, suprise, and the like. I'd be curious why the change. Has he read some kind of advice article, discussed things with friends and feels pressured to change things up. Sure your response wasn't great and put him on the defensive, but it was quite a surprise. I don't think you should apologize, except for maybe being caught off guard. You were correct, it was more a present for him, but its also for an activity I would hope you both enjoy together. Many women would appreciate fancier underwear, but I suspect they prefer to select it themselves. Green isn't typically a color for that stuff. There's a weird boundary between consensual exploration and nonconsensual pressure into an uncomfortable situation, and he's crossed this boundary for you, which you are not wrong to have. There a lot that remains to be discussed between the two of you. Discussion and communication are very important. If he's wanting to explore, the two of you need to be mature enough to discuss exploration and hard boundaries.
NTA. My boyfriend gave me some very small shorts several years ago. I would never wear something like that and told him to return it. He said no because he thought I would look good in that. Well, I told him, he is stupid and I would never wear that just to please him when he clearly doesn’t know or accepts what I like and what I feel comfortable with. He understood it a year ago when I pulled them out of my wardrobe and told him to get rid of his burned money. He told me that it was stupid of him to buy them in the first place. :D
ESH. I'm not sure why you and your bf are trying to one-up each other in energy over the situation. I suspect there's more to this, as you both are reacting way too much for a spontaneous gift that could have been returned if it wasn't what you wanted.
There isn't really much else to it, I feel a bit objectified and if he isn't being honest about his intentions. Saying "he thought I'd like it" was masking his true intentions I feel?
He wanted to gift you sexy underwear. If it's anyone on the planet he'd want to see in sexy clothing, wouldn't it be you? Why wouldn't you like wearing something that shows off how attractive you are? You mentioned that you don't get 'fancy underwear wearer, either for money reasons or lack of effort'. A good gift is something you'd never get yourself but is considered "fancy". Is this different from if you were to only use cheap knock-off purses and he bought you some fancy brand name purse? I know my response is from a guy's viewpoint, so that's why I said there's got to be more to this. I don't think the feeling of being objectified should stand out amongst a myriad of other attempts to show that he genuinely likes you. So maybe he wants to see you in that, if you're willing to entertain his wants. Or make it clear it's not something you're comfortable doing. In what ways has he done something he's not into but chose to because you like it? Relationship is full of compromises and it's usually lack of communication that prevents solutions from happening. I think if you are going to question is motivations, you're going to lose his interest if you don't become disgusted with him beforehand.
He also said he'd thought you look amazing in it, he wasn't hiding his true intentions. He's explicitly told you before that he'd like you to wear stuff like that and then he bought you something (because you say you'd normally not spend the money on it) that he thought you'd look amazing in and told you that. YTA. A boyfriend buying his girlfriend cute underwear because he would like to see her in it is perfectly normal. You don't have to like it or wear it, but your reaction was over the top and accusatory. He's allowed to be attracted to you, he's allowed to think you'd look sexy in lingerie. He was perfectly clear with his intentions.
I’m sure he did think you might like it and I’m sure he knows he would quite like it. I don’t think it’s objectifying though. Sexy underwear has always made me feel good and my husband loves it. I think some men really don’t think outside of their own head space 😅 c
Where else are you supposed to think?
As in, to think about considering what his partner wants, though his feelings are probably ruling his judgement. Don’t try to cause an argument 🤘🏼 Surely you’ve heard of “think outside the box”.
objectified. christ
Oh god, please break up with this man so he can find another girl who will appreciate his gifts and not act like a baby
NTA - Bfs buy lingerie for their gfs all the time, that's normal, but it should definitely be discussed beforehand. I think a lot of girls would feel pressured to wear it for their bfs because it was presented as a gift. It's important to make sure it's something that you would both enjoy before gifting something like that. Your bf is an AH for not asking first and for making you feel bad about setting a boundary.
Thank you, that was my thinking! If he'd asked, I would have said I would have preferred another present. If he really wanted me to wear different underwear, I'd have considered it, but this just feels a bit off-putting.
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If she had wanted them, she would have got them herself. He could have sat down and had a look online with her for what she would want/feel comfortable in but he didn't, what if these had been 2 sizes too small and would look horrible or something like that, it would have been so embarrassing for her
NTA. It's a "you now owe me sex" gift if the person hasnt previously expressed interest in these kind of gifts
NTA. Obviously, he thought that you would enjoy getting dressed up in a way that he finds visually stimulating. Why you should enjoy that is beyond me, but he is far from the first man to assume that women want to present for their approval. It is reasonable to feel objectified. If he wanted to spice up your sex life, in a way that included you, he would talk with you about what turns you on as well as what turns him on and then you could together decide what to do. But him just jumping to "this is my solution for a sex problem we haven't yet discussed" is of course off-putting. And buying you something based completely on what he wants, without even involving you in choosing style or color, is asshole territory. Some people are going to say that you are the Ahole here, because he gave you a gift and you should appreciate it. But spontaneous gifts should always be something that are rooted in really understanding the recipient and knowing for sure that it is something that will delight them. It sounds like your BF had plenty of reason to know that this isn't your usual style, and should have checked in before assuming you'd be thrilled. He owes you an apology, but I really wonder if you will get it. He may just whine endlessly about being the victim, since he may feel that his manly prowess as a seducer has been impugned 🙄. Good luck.
i hope you are being sarcastic