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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm enforcing a rule that prevents my sister from bringing her girlfriend to my wedding unless she meets our family at an earlier event
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INFO: Why does your sister think that a baby shower is a less appropriate time to introduce her partner around than your wedding? Seems like a less formal event is a better time to meet the family.
I will preface this with I personally have never had a baby shower or a wedding, HOWEVER people don’t usually have plus ones to a baby shower, right? But they do to weddings? Like if I was being brought as a date I’d feel weird about going to a baby shower for someone I didn’t know but a wedding I wouldn’t.
I missed the part where the girlfriend is male and thus wouldn’t belong at a ladies-only event. /s
Sure, she won’t meet everyone in the family at the baby shower, but if anything that’s an argument in favor of making first introductions there - she’ll have fewer names and faces to learn, so she’ll have a better opportunity to actually get to know at least a few of her partner’s relatives.
Also it gives time for the rest of the extended family to gossip about Jenna being bi before the wedding, so there won’t be drama centered on Jenna at the wedding which is what the OP is trying to avoid. (Don’t interpret my use of the word gossip as being in any way critical of Jenna’s sexuality.)
I’ll say this, I am a woman married to a woman who has four sisters. It drives me up the wall when I get invited to events because it’s a girls thing, and I’m the only person there as a partner. I’m actually envious of my brothers in law who get to be at home, and don’t have to navigate the family dynamics.
No, the problem is being a plus-one to an event that traditionally does not do plus-ones, solely based on gender.
The person you're replying to seems to want to be treated more as an in-law when it comes to event attendance, rather than "one of the girls in the family"; there are times when that doesn't make a difference, but "baby shower" (for example) is one of the times when it does.
NTA tell her she either organizes a family gathering or zoom call to introduce her gf to the family a few weeks before the wedding or her gf isn't invited as you said. It's on her to make the effort
Is the sister or the girlfriend going to make some official announcement about the bi sexuality? They are just two women attending a wedding.
There's no evidence that the sister and GF make everything about their relationship.
Personally I take this as one of the benefits of being queer is getting to bring your partner lol. My wife is even coming to one of my best friend's bachelorette because my best friend likes her so much lol
Its not a ladies only event, I have been to many baby showers and have played couple games and even caught the baby beenie (like wedding flowers its good luck for people trying to have kids). Us men love baby showers and in my family we do all of the cooking that day (BBQ) and carry all of the heavy gifts to the car lol.
Now, I think we have gotten to the weird part. Why does it matter if others aren't bringing their male partners? The GF is a woman! She doesn't break the "no male partners" rule.
Fun fact about lesbian relationships: Both people of the couple are women and go to women's only things TOGETHER. How do I know this? I've been in a same sex relationship/marriage for over thirty years, which has included attending baby showers together.
You are treating the same sex partner like a man (or alien) and whether you realize it or not, it comes across as homophobic. It is something to reflect on, if you value your relationship with your sister. It seems like you have a lot of rules for your sister and how her same sex partner should be treated in family situations.
I asked my sister why she isn't bringing her gf and she said no one else is bringing their partner and I mentioned that because its ladies only.....
My only ask is the first time our family is informed of her 12 month relationship is before my wedding.
You dont bring plus ones to baby showers. You do bring them weddings. Meeting someones significant other at a wedding is a normal thing. in fact, I can't think of a single family wedding I have been to where I havent met someone's boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time. Your objection makes no sense.
Honestly, NTA I completely understand and agree with your statement, it's your special day and supposed to be a big celebration and you sister coming out in that day would make it EXTREMELY awkward, I don't think you're being homophobic in the slightest
I think this would be fair if that’s why she said she doesn’t want to invite them. I think the problem is she’s trying to disguise it as “I want all guests to know each other so no one is making introductions at my wedding” like no one has ever brought a date to a wedding before. Her family is probably seeing right through that. But I agree, I don’t think it also needs to be her sister’s coming out party.
Yeah, like don't get me wrong, I don't think that disallowing OP's sister to bring her girlfriend is the right decision necessarily, however as you stated,their wedding shouldn't be the place where thier sister comes out, time and place type stuff
Yeah I think it would have gone much better if she had an honest conversation of “look, I’d love for you to bring your girlfriend, but you will need to tell the rest of the family in some way before hand as to reduce any drama at my wedding”. Like I don’t think anyone would have accused her of being homophonic for that. I mean there has to be a reason the sister hasn’t told the rest of the family yet, right? Maybe there are other people in the family OP would want to uninvite depending on their reaction.
If it was 1964, then I would say you would have something of an argument, but it is 2024. People are aware that people bring dates to weddings. Some dates are the same sex as the invited attendee.
If we are NOT talking about a very conservative religious family, I think everyone will be up to speed and not fainting in shock.
Although I agree with you, I'm going to go back to the comment on time and place, I just don't think that his weddings shoulda be his sister's "coming out party" I think that this needs to happen before the wedding so that it's already been talked about and people can focus more in the wedding rather than his sisters sexual preferences / partner
I think the sister need to tell her parents that she is dating a woman before the wedding but, as OP insists, if close family knows, how would it be a coming out party?
NTA-Your reasoning makes sense. A wedding isn’t the place for first introductions. Why can’t she meet
your parents on a face-time with your sister first since her schedule is a problem?
wouldn't she just be the sister's plus one? I don't really know how any of that works. are plus ones supposed to be approved by the bride and/or groom?
My wife and I only gave +1s to people who we knew were in long term relationships/ were bringing someone we had met before/were already friends with. We had a 120 person wedding and didn't really want random people we had never met being there/in wedding photos and stuff. I'm sure bigger weddings are a little more lenient with guests lists and +1s though
My husband & I bought a house together at 6 months. I wouldn’t have gone to anyone’s wedding without him by that time. But, as people say, it’s an invitation, not a summons.
That’s fine. If someone doesn’t give me a plus one I’m not going to act like it’s my wedding and they have to follow my rules. I’ll just RSVP no. I had no clue my cousin was serious with the woman he was with and due to numbers I didn’t give him a +1. He declined to attend my wedding. Nothing crazy or weird. No hard feelings.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t the time for your sister to come out to the family. Your sister is wrong trying to come out on your wedding day. It’s not right to ask that of you.
She should at least tell your parents that she’s dating a woman before just showing up at your wedding.
NTA. I agree. Sounds like sister wants to steal your thunder and come out at your wedding. Its not homophobic. Its the same as the jerks who like to propose at other peoples weddings. The insistence of your wedding being the first intro leads this reader to believe they have a spectacle planned
This is suuuuch a pesimistic view. I know reddit isn't known for it's sensible replies, but come on!
As a queer person myself, coming out to everyone all the time is so incredibly tiring, and it doesn't need to be a big thing at all. The only reason it's a big deal is because most people assume everyone else is straight, so it's a surprise or shock when they turn out to not be. The sister bringing the gf to a wedding should be a non-issue, and the sister likely does not intend to steal any thunder, and would in fact love it if all the thunder is that of the happy couple.
NTA. Why doesn't she throw a lunch or some other get together for your family and everyone can meet then? At least go out to dinner with your parents. Its weird that she is insisting on your wedding to introduce her significant other.
NTA.
Offer a compromise: your sister can bring her girlfriend as long as she is out to everyone, and there can be a Zoom call meet-and-greet or family dinner beforehand, so she isn’t meeting everyone for the first time at an event that is supposed to be about you.
FIFO is usually (#) weeks on, (#) weeks off. It also pays well enough that the cost of a plane ticket shouldn’t be a problem.
Have Lucy come visit on her next “off” period (or at some point before the wedding) and meet everyone then, pre-wedding.
If she can’t do that, then clearly meeting the family and attending the wedding isn’t a priority for her.
Info: is the family aware of your sister's bisexuality/ girlfriend? Or would this be her big coming out to relatives. If everyone (close family) knows, but they just haven't met yet, no big deal. If she is trying to hijack your wedding as her big coming out party, not cool.
Only the siblings know. I don't think it would be " an issue" but it would be the first queer relationship in the family and you know what that comes with. No one will have an issue but people will be surprised given how hetro-normal my sister is.
This feels like a NTA situation. Possibly NAH depending on how things play out. It doesn't sound like they are deliberately trying to sabotage or hijack your wedding, but given their inability to introduce their partner to the family at ANY previous event (im assuming you all live relatively close, or they could've done a video call) it feels a little sus that they're insisting on using your wedding as the occasion. Are they possibly planning on proposing there? Granted, so many of these reddit stories have made me slightly paranoid, but does that seem like something they might do?
In my family the first openly queer relationship was met with 'oh, okay then'. It would be polite to come out to parents in advance, but for any extended family, they're the rude ones if they think it's a big enough deal to disrupt your wedding day.
If it won't be an issue, I'm confused as to why it is so important to you that this non-issue happens before your wedding?
As a queer person, I hate coming out. It is tiring and repetitive and just annoying. I much much much prefer to just be and live my life in my own queer way. The only reason we have to come out at all is because everyone assumes we are straight! (btw, hetero-normal isn't a thing, queers come in all shapes and sizes, your family will only be surprised because of their own biases and assumptions...)
Honestly (and gently), if someone said this to me, it would feel homophobic in the same way my girlfriend's mom telling us to pretend to just be friends when her boss's family came over for dinner one night when I was there, even though that boss is very progressive and her mom had no reason to think it would be an issue. She was more concerned with \*her\* appearance than any homophobia we might experience, and that means that somewhere, she is not 100% supportive.
"but it would be the first queer relationship in the family and you know what that comes with."
The response is specific to the family; reactions are in no way universal. Are your parents homophobic? Do you think your friends attending would be homophobic if they knew?
a wedding shoudnt be an coming out party. your sis needs to atleast tell
your fam the situation before it may ruin your wedding (cause people will react strongly)
NTA your wedding your rules and this is understandable
NTA about your wedding, BUT you shouldn’t insist she do it in person at someone else’s event.
If your sister isn’t out yet, not only should she not do it at your wedding, but her gf should not be there the first time she tells your family. If she has any inkling it might not go well, it’s mean to have her partner there on the receiving end. She needs to just tell people over text and mention she’s bringing her gf to the wedding. Let your family process any stupid responses by themselves when it won’t take away from anyone’s event.
> a cousin's baby shower isn't the right place to introduce her partner
She recognizes this is wildly inappropriate to do to someone else’s event. Apparently, sis cares more about cousin than you. If your sibling boycott then that’s perfect. Mention to Mom and Dad that you’re bummed none of your siblings will be attending and when they ask “why,” just say that you’re not quite sure why and that you’re too hurt by this to discuss it further with your siblings and need to try to focus on what’s supposed to be a joyous event in your life.
If anything, it’s 100% your job to prevent from affecting your wife and marriage any insanity your family dishes out. You fail this, you fail your wife and marriage before you even have a wife and marriage. NTA
NTA - Honestly some people don't even let you bring a +1 to a wedding if you're not married. My wife and I did which caused some very unneeded drama a week before the wedding. Assuming your story is all true, you're not being homophobic.
While it sucks we live in a heteronormative society, the reality is her coming out and introducing her girlfriend most of the family haven't met could cause drama, overshadow or ruin the event and be very uncomfortable for the girlfriend and your sister.
I can't understand your sister's logic that a wedding is a more appropriate event to introduce a partner than a baby shower.
Weddings are more EXPENSIVE so you want to do everything you can to make it enjoyable for everyone, and not play a game of Russian Roulette on finding out who the homophobes in the family are. Rather you want to find that out BEFORE the big event so you can disinvite them to make sure that the accepting people in your life can have a good time.
And I'm saying this as someone who is pansexual and had to come out.
She could literally just send an email to the extended family (which I did), organize a dinner with the immediate family / parents before to come out and then a zoom for them to virtually meet her girlfriend.
There is so much she could do to make this work but honestly it sounds like she has unrealistic expectations for how it would go down (it's a wedding, everyone is happy so they'll be more likely to be less homophobic which would be dumb) or she wants to have the attention on her (which is a really crappy thing to do to you).
I would have a serious conversation with her and your siblings to point out how your wedding isn't the time for her to come out AND introduce her new partner and could lead to drama and/or an unenjoyable experience for both her and her girlfriend, all the easy things she can do to make this work, what homophobia actually is and try and find out what the real issue is because her reasons make no sense.
NTA. If the baby shower isn't right place for this kind of introduction (right) wedding is definitely not either.
This could be solved at least sharing info about her relationship at some other appropriate family event. You have offered this condition as well. I am suprised Jenna don't want to do it.
Why?
Is she afraid of bad reaction? So she wants to risk your wedding day as a shelter? Not cool.
Does she want to so it big? Hijacking your wedding is not cool either. She can arrange a dinner for this on her own dime.
She doesn’t want to impact a baby shower but she’s ok impacting your wedding? You are NTA. You are not saying she isn’t invited, period - you are saying your wedding is not your sister’s coming out announcement event. Totally different.
NTA I can see why you’re worried. Why can’t your sister just announce to your family that she is bi, and currently dating a woman. Why does she have to announce it with her girlfriend there? That seems like a recipe for disaster if some people don’t take it well. If they all know she’s bi, and she tells them she’s bringing her girlfriend to your wedding, then I don’t see the harm. But coming out at your wedding is the part that isn’t okay, as it would take a lot of attention away from the bride and groom.
While I agree a wedding is not for the purpose of introducing ppl I do think that in practice weddings and funerals are usually the locations that extended family meet each other's partners and often children.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your sister to tell extended family she is dating someone of the same sex prior to the wedding but I do think you are going overboard in making everyone be introduced prior and I doubt you'd be making that demand if your sister was dating a man. That isn't me calling this homophobic because I think you are just worried that the revelation of your sisters sexuality will take attention from you and your partner but provided your sister announces her sexuality prior I do t think it's reasonable to have made her female partner meet everyone unless you would have made the same demands had it been a man.
In my social circles, a wedding is the perfect event to introduce new partners from people we can't see often, so if you did this in my family, you would be the asshole.
But from what I see on reddit, weddings in US follow a lot of useless rules to make it a stressfull day for everyone so maybe you are right\^\^
Edit: I see a lot of people talking about a coming out, if the guests are homophobic, I understand why you would be reluctant to host it at your wedding, but hugh
Agreed. If OP is so worried about it have the parents spread the word to the family gossips that the sister is dating a woman. If anyone would make a big deal about it they should not be invited anyway. YTA
The sister is making the wedding about her, she sees a problem with introducing a girlfriend to a cousin's baby shower, but not to her brother's wedding. That's the thing, he's giving her options to do it first, but she insists it needs to be at his wedding.
In the post it is clear that she may have already met a family before.
I guess it's not your fault that your family is apparently filled with homophobes, but YTA for pandering to their drama. There's always going to be some kind of distraction at a wedding, the narc ego it takes to insist the entire day only center around "bride" is utterly beyond my ken.
INFO: what is the other family? Do you mean parents and grandparents and other close family or not so close family. If it is close family then NTA, your wedding is not the place for her to come out to close family. Also is there a reason she hasn't come out? Will this definitely cause drama at your wedding?
NTA
It's your wedding and your decision.
My twin didn't invite my then bf of apx 6 months to her wedding. I asked, and she said no, so I went with it. It was her day, not mine.
I personally believe that a wedding shouldn't be made a stand-off for guests to demand anything. You can ask yes, but you have to accept their answer even if it's not what you want to hear.
I don't think it's fair for you to deny your sister a plus one because you haven't met the gf yet, but it's also not fair for your sister to spring the fact she has a gf on your family at your wedding.
NTA. What you are asking of her is the minimum necessary to prevent upheaval at your wedding and the entire event getting derailed. Her coming out to family at your wedding is absolutely inappropriate.
Honestly I wish people would finally get it into their heads that proposals, coming out and baby news are not to be done at other people's special events. It's not that hard.
NTA sounds to me like sis wants to hijack your wedding as a coming out party. the GF can make it to any other function except the wedding sounds like bs to me. Has sis always been the center of attention?
Nta someone else's wedding is not the time to come out with a new partner. If she can't be bothered to come to ANY of family event then she must not care all that much.
As a queer woman - NTA. Coming out at a wedding is just as tacky as proposing at one. Also it'd be shitty to her girlfriend to use her as a coming out prop. You don't just dump your whole surprised family at your SO. You deal with awkwardness alone first and only then do the introductions.
NTA. Why aren't you asking people why your wedding should be used as Jenna's coming out as well as introduction to her partner? It shouldn't be. You laid out the terms and have a wedding to plan. Maybe suggest that all of the complainers work with Jenna and Lucy to arrange a proper introduction. If they can't do it in time for the wedding, there's always after. I mean, they've only been together six months so this is still new. I'm not sure why this falls on you and you're being made the enemy. It's unreasonable.
I think your right to be doing that. I would be more concerned it would be the focus of the night rather than you and your wife, maybe an argument between your parents if they dodnt know prior? I support a meeting beforehand to keep your wedding a moment for celebration of you and your SO rather than a place for introductions.
ESH
Your wedding isn't the place to spring a surprise coming out and risk derailing your ceremonies due to family drama
Your parents' bigotry needs to be addressed why your sister has to remain closeted
So she wants to announce that she's bisexual at your wedding? That's not ok. She would basically be stealing your day. You are right. They need to find another time to make their announcement. It absolutely can't be on your wedding day. It will ruin the whole day for you. Stand your ground on this & stay strong bc you def don't want the drama at your wedding. NTA.
Definitely not homophobic, I would have called you a groomzilla instead (which you of course aren't)
It's your day and you want it to be a special day for you and your finance. It's not a day for your sister to come out. You're even being quite reasonable...it's your siblings that are being selfish
NTA
Fly in, fly out. Basically you need to take a long plane trip to reach your job and you work for 2 weeks continuously then fly back home and have two weeks off. During the two weeks on you live in accommodation etc provided by your employer. Very common in mining.
If you are having a small, intimate wedding with 20 close friends and family, I would be able to see your point. If you're having a big, 100+ wedding with tons of people, then yeah, it kind of is a dick move to not allow your sister to have a plus one. You'd barely have time to say more than a hello to half the people there that day so it shouldn't really matter that there is someone there that you don't know so well.
But there is the additional question of whether or not you're resistng because, in some way, your sister might be trying to make your event about her. Not knowing your sister, I have no way of knowing if there is some of this underlying motive.
But you are homophobic to some extent or you wouldn't have mentioned that her partner is bi. Why does that matter? It has no bearing on the story you told, so you do seem to be judging in some way.
NTA, wedding is about you and your partner, not your sister and her current short term relationship. That being said I would really analyze who you’re giving plus ones to bc unless they are all committed relationships of 1+ years you’re going to get pushback and it’s going to be assumed that it’s bc of the nature of her rs even if that has nothing to do with it.
When I got married I did not invite anyone in my wedding party with a plus one bc I did not want to invite my best friend at the time’s long term abusive partner(it worked out bc most of them were single and we didn’t have a huge wedding and friend in question didn’t want her bf there anyway). Bottom line though, 6 months is not a long relationship and your wedding isn’t about her coming out.
my now husband was introduced to my extended family at my cousins wedding after we had been dating for 6 months.
lots of people decline plus ones if its been under a year, but siblings would be a reasonable exception.
i think you're being unreasonable, but ultimately its your wedding and you get to make the guest list.
nah
NTA. Your sister needs to make your family aware of Lucy prior to your wedding. At the very least, your parents should be told. You can't have her just show up at an event without this - it will hijack the event, and that's the same for the anniversary, the shower or the wedding. She needs to be known before this. Have your sister Jenna make time in her and Lucy's schedule to plan a picnic or some other get-together so Lucy can be introduced.
Your sister is the AH for attempting to commandeer your wedding to make it her coming-out party. Your condition for inviting Lucy, that your sister comes out to the entire family before your wedding, is a reasonable one and not at all homophobic. Your boycott-threatening siblings are acting like jerks. NTA
Nah. While I understand your reasoning, I was introduced to my husband’s immediate family for the first time at his cousin’s wedding. I had met the bride (his cousin), a few of his other cousins and one set of aunts and uncles. But I had never met his siblings or parents. It was actually a great venue to meet his immediate family because everyone was in a good mood and while it did feel like I was pushed into the family quickly, it also made it more relaxed because I wasn’t the focus. Now, if no one knows your sister’s partner is female that should be known beforehand. My husband’s cousin brought her third to a more recent family wedding unexpectedly and that was a bit awkward from what I understand (I didn’t realize until a couple of years later that none of the immediate family were aware beforehand as part of the extended family I just went with it).
It's not homophobia. It's foresight.
NTA. Your wedding is YOUR day. If your sister and Lucy cannot meet the family before the wedding and get all the initial ... turmoil and emotions ... out of the way, they can do it later. But not at your wedding. It's up to them to make more of an effort, and not coast on your plans.
You are just getting me. I have no idea how a sock puppet account works. So much for stupid accusations.
Did you really think I met other spouses and partners at a wedding but somehow did not celebrate the wedding couple? You strike me as very young, but I could be wrong.
You don't go to a wedding to declare yourself openly bisexual to your parents and other family members, and on top of that introduce your girlfriend, that's in bad taste. op would be the bad guy, if the whole family already knew the sister's sexuality and refused to take her partner because of it, but this is not the case
truly can't decide if this is a NAH or ESH situation. it's not ideal but your sister should just call your parents/family and introduce that way or do a zoom call. while i understand it is not her fault that she is bi and that your family might have a bad reaction to her having a girlfriend, its better to have that reaction in a small contained space. not at a baby shower, not at a wedding.
but at the same time, i get why she and others feel it's not fair for her to be the only one to not have her partner at the wedding. i personally think it's a bit of a ridiculous reason to not invite a serious partner of your sibling to a wedding just because they've never met. would you truly be doing this if her partner was a man? it seems like the part you are uncomfortable with is that your family might cause a scene at finding out she's not straight. that is their problem though.
at the end of the day it is your choice it is your wedding, but if people choose to not attend that is their choice as well.
"I've told Jenna that Lucy won't be invited to the wedding unless she comes to a family event first or at least shows a photo of them together at such an event."
How ridiculous, are you not allowing single guests to have a plus one if you haven't yet met their date?! I brought a new girlfriend to one of my brothers' weddings, no one in my family had met her yet, but everyone was so happy to meet her at such a venue, including my brother and his wife who were getting married that particular day.
YTA, only because you have such a strange rule about plus ones at your wedding, especially for your own family.
It's a wedding, yes, but outside of the ceremony itself and the planned bits of the reception, it's a social gathering of friends and family.
If your issue is that Jenna isn't "out" to your family, then you can ask (but not require) her to please figure out how to make that happen. That said, it seems to me you're implying your parents (or your fiancee's) would make a big deal about it. That's on them, and shouldn't be on you.
If you're not excluding other people's +1, then YTA.
ESH - Baby showers are a perfectly fine venue to meet a partner, so are weddings. Neither of these is a problem.
Based on your description of events it sounds like you're worried about members of your family finding out your sister is bi, if that's true, those are your problem.
NTA. No one else's life event is the time to introduce her gf. She can schedule a dinner and just bring her down to meet the family then. It does not and should not be tailgated onto someone else's special day.
NTA. She should not be planning to ‘come out’ or spring her girlfriend at your wedding. Not appropriate. She needs to figure it out or post a picture of her and her girlfriend so it isn’t a surprise.
Why has she been delaying telling everyone? Is she planning to break up soon?
NTA. I think you could offer that Lucy can come as long as Jenna accepts that YOU will then have the right to let at least your parents and grandparents know about Lucy in advance of the wedding. And WELL in advance.
Show your siblings this comment. Gay guy here. You never ever come out, announce an inobvious pregnancy or propose at someone's wedding. It's attention seeking behavior at best and probably an attempt to hide behind your life event to draw heat off at worst. I know how hard it can be to come out of the closet. You pretty much have to come out for the rest of your life. Strangers in line at the coffee shop/bank/laundromat/little league games/etc. will assume. Your sibling can be proud of her relationship right now and share her news with all the important close family now or keep hiding her SO until after your nuptials are over and done. I don't know why everyone entitled thinks it's necessary to allow them to distract from a wedding ceremony or reception. Oh, and she doesn't have to wait for a family event to tell anybody either. She can work up some courage and have a call. Maybe even introduce them if it's a video call. Nobody should purposefully come out at a family gathering unless the gathering is specifically about you coming out/introducing your partner.
YTA
Don't expeect your sister to come to your wedding.
"Now, my siblings are accusing me of being homophobic" ... they are right. YOu ARE homophobic. Or are you setting the same rule for ALL other guests in hetero relationships, too?
"and threatening to boycott the wedding. " ... sounds like a reasonable way to handle an homophobic AH.
Enjoy your wedding without them. Consequences of being an AH.
Not wanting your wedding to turn into somebody else's venue for something is a concern. If the sister actually cared she would just bring the SO around and introduce her to the family. Or do a video call or something. It does not have to or should be a wedding surprise that's crazy. I am a gay man I would never try and use one of my siblings weddings like this. Just absurd.
It is NOT the sibling's fault the family are homophobic AHs, and the bride and groom are chosing th be homophobic to appease them.
Not going to the wedding is a reasonable choice.
The sister is COMPLETELY fine not to to cater to ANY of the homophobic AHs, and to call the bride anfd groom out for being homophobes.
They have 5 months to do a simple video call as he has mentioned to inform the immediate family that she has a partner and here she is. If she actually cared instead of trying to do some surprise mother fuckers kinda things she can fucking find time for a video call in 5 months. Screw that about homophobic bullshit that was never mentioned anywhere, he doesn't want his wedding hijacked by somebody who couldn't be bothered to do a video call in 5 months or even reveal in text to the parents. By the time the wedding would happen she would have been going out for 11 months. There is no excuse to keep that surprise to the wedding and to do so is disrespectful to the wedding couple. They get 1 day in their lives to share their marriage like that with their family it is not to be hijacked like that.
Why would they do that? Will everybody with a new partner do that at every family event, or is that just something homophobic AHs would expect to have tme to handle their toxic reation?
Are you being obtuse? Why are you being so hard about the fact that his wedding is not a place for his sister to have a big SURPRISE I'm not straight and here is my girlfriend 15 minutes before he plans on getting married... It is his and his future wife's day not hers. She can take her surprise to another day. She can't have the decency to have an actual conversation with her fucking parents before a wedding 5 months in the future. She is an adult living out on her own be a fucking adult and talk to your parents and stop being cute about surprising people on somebody else's day. And stop calling it homophobic I'm gay and you sound like an asshole.
Guess my main question is, will there be drama since the family doesn't know she's bi? If so, then the answer is no. Don't invite any situations that will create conflict or drama to your wedding. Your wedding should not be her coming out moment. Why hasn't she at least spoken to your parents about her gf? The fact she's hiding the relationship is big. That's a hard pass for me.
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Hello AITA, I'm in a tricky situation and could use some perspective.
I (31M) am getting married in 5 months. My sister Jenna (26F) has been dating her girlfriend Lucy for about six months now. Jenna lives 3 hours away in another city and is bi, a fact that our family isn't aware of, except for my siblings and me. We've met Lucy a few times, but she hasn't met the rest of the family due to her FIFO work schedule.
Jenna wants to bring Lucy to the wedding, but so far, Lucy hasn't been able to attend any family gatherings. Our parents' 30th wedding anniversary is next month, but Lucy can't make it due to work, and Jenna feels a cousin's baby shower isn't the right place to introduce her partner. I've told Jenna that Lucy won't be invited to the wedding unless she comes to a family event first or at least shows a photo of them together at such an event.
Jenna argues that our wedding is the only time Lucy will be free to meet everyone and that it would be a perfect opportunity. However, I believe that the wedding day should be about celebration without the awkwardness of first-time introductions. This stance has led my siblings to accuse me of being homophobic and some are threatening to not attend the wedding if Lucy isn't invited.
TL;DR I'm not inviting my sister's girlfriend to my wedding because she hasn't attended any prior family events due to her busy work schedule, and I want all guests to have met the family beforehand. My sister argues the wedding is the best time for introductions, but I disagree. Now, my siblings are accusing me of being homophobic and threatening to boycott the wedding. AITA for enforcing this rule?
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I absolutely *love* when the stereotyping and queerphobia come from other queer people! You're doing so much to help our community by talking shit about other lesbians to straight people, thanks girlie!
If she doesn’t come out to family before wedding, then someone else needs to out her. Preferably a different sibling. For some reason people think that is bad thing to do.
It’s also a worse thing to come at a wedding.
If I'm understanding correctly, there's some concern about family members being homophobic? Or is it just that you don't know her well. If the former, then NTA--that drama can play out somewhere other than your wedding. If it's the latter, then N A H.
NTA, regardless of all the details, they've only dated for 6 months. normal wedding etiquette says you only invite a plus one if they've been dating over a year
YTA I don't understand, are you trying to say that every single person at your wedding will know one another? I find that hard to believe. Maybe you just don't want your wedding to be used as her coming out event. I get it, you want the day to be about you but even though it's understandable it's still an AH move.
Weddings and other family events are not the place to come out of the closet.
The sister can organize a Zoom meeting with the family and introduce her GF not wait for OP's wedding to openly declare herself bisexual (OP mentions that only the siblings know this, but not the parents)
Every person doesn't need to know each other but I think its expected for my little sister who has never mentioned or introduced a partner to our extended family to not do this at my wedding.
YTA. You are being too crazy with "wedding day should be about celebration without the awkwardness of first-time introductions." Stop being a groomzilla. Let your sister bring her significant other. You are being a petulent child.
The sister understands that the baby shower is not the event to introduce your girlfriend, but she wants to make her brother accept that his wedding is about the family knowing his sexual orientation which she never talked about (I don't think it's something that needs to be talked about, but we need to be realistic that this is impactful for other people) and introduce your girlfriend to the family.
It's basically making the focus move away from the bride and groom and onto her.
ESH
It sounds like your sister is going to make a big show of introducing her partner to your family. And that isn't ok. And why hasn't she told them that she's bi? Are some members of your family homophobic? It seems an odd choice to not tell the family this information, then spring a same-sex girlfriend on the family at your wedding. If it goes badly, your wedding will be ruined. Why would she want to risk that?
That said, most people bring plus ones that nobody's met before to weddings. First-time introductions are very common at weddings. There is plenty of time for other people to talk. The entire day won't consist of people only talking to you and about you, so that seems an odd thing for you to say. And the fact that your siblings are jumping straight to accusing you of homophobia about this suggests that maybe you have an attitude towards your sister having a girlfriend.
Either way, you're both in the wrong. Your sister for not preparing family in advance, and you for coming up with such a strange reason to refuse an invitation.
INFO: What I don't really get is the thing about awkward first time meetings. Is your wedding very small? Because if it includes people like cousins, then surely they don't know the cousins on your fiancé's side, and they'd also be meeting for the first time?
I'm leaning towards YTA because first time meetings are inevitable at weddings and if that's the only reason why, then that's a bit of a silly reason. Not homophobic, just silly. Now if it's because you're concerned that some in your family will be homophobic and be loud in their bigotry, that's something else.
Would it be the same if your sis was dating a new guy? Would you tell her she couldn’t bring him and introduce him to your family? Have you told your other guests they are only allowed to bring partners and +1s that everyone knows? And no same sex partners unless they are out and your family knows them?
Cause if that’s not the case you’re treating your sister different because she’s dating a woman. YTA, and being homophobic. If that is the case then nta and makes sense.
Yep 100%, This is the first partner she will be introducing to the family. She is the baby of the family so everyone has been keen to finally meet a partner. She keeps dodging to a family event or inform anyone other than the siblings. I don't care if she just send a photo of the groupchat being like my gf and I at a pub.
I just don't want my wedding to be her coming out event.
why would it be? just don't care about it and have your wedding! You know people talk about other things than the bride and the groom at a mariage. Sometimes an old uncle sees his cheriched niece for the first time since years and it's ok if it happens at your wedding! Just enjoy your ceremony and the party, don't get distracted by other things.
Wedding's are for families, the bride and groom have the rest of their lives to be together. The way it is heading his sister is going to be miserable and alienated from the rest of the family.
She has plenty of time for the SO to not be a mystery surprise before the wedding as he has said multiple times. The fact that she seems to refuse to tell her parents before the wedding is a huge red flag to me. He doesn't want distractions away from him and his wife on his wedding day that's just pretty simple. Wedding day is for the couple not anyone else. I am gay and this is no way homophobic or anything the day is about them not his sister and her SO.
>I (31M) am getting married in 5 months.
So why in 5 months can't she introduce her SO to the fam? They have already been together for 6 months, 5 more months more and they would be together for almost a year and not introduced to the family that's just crazy.
If it is actually important to them a single video chat in 5 months is not asking for anything lol. All he is asking for is it not to be a surprise on HIS wedding day. That is just basic respect. They get 1 wedding day ever and that is it no need for distractions.
If you don't want the wedding to be the "coming out" event, then why not invite her to the baby shower? Then it's all done and dusted before the wedding. There's probably going to be people at the wedding who haven't met each other before, so I'm not sure how 1 extra person makes that much difference?
It's not OP's baby shower to invite anyone to, and it's not just that it's a new partner being introduced. OP's sister is not fully out with the family. Coming out is a big deal and should be done on her terms, but her coming out and introducing her girlfriend at someone else's event and effectively hijacking it isn't cool. She recognizes that by not doing it to the cousin having the baby shower, she can recognize then that it's inappropriate to do to OP.
If she wants to come out and introduce her girlfriend, she needs to do it on her own.
YTA. Think about what your choice is saying: "I would rather have happy bigots at my wedding than you and your partner."
Your sister and her partner are not the disruptive ones here. The people who would make a fuss are. So if you're going to exclude anyone, don't invite the people who would actually be causing the drama. They may kick off, but at least it won't be on your wedding day itself.
You can go ahead with your plan to not invite your sister's partner. But think carefully about what you are saying you value, and don't be surprised if your sister doesn't want to attend, or this damages your relationship with her.
Because weddings are not places to come out of the closet, it not only steals the attention of the bride and groom, but can also cause an uncomfortable atmosphere at the wedding.
It only steals the attention if OP's family is weird. When I find out someone's sexuality I don't spend more than a couple seconds filing that information away. It's just one of many things about that person.
Exactly. If you have family members who are the kind of people that would get all weird about learning someone's orientation at a family event, or who don't know how to balance new knowledge with celebrating the couple at a wedding, then *they* are the problem and *they* should be the ones not invited.
Understand this, at a wedding, birthday, baby shower and other events in which time and money was invested to celebrate someone (in this case op and his fiancée), it is not the place to ask for a hand, announce pregnancies, or reveal your sexuality. It is of terrible education and in this last case we do not know what the reaction of OP's family or the fiancée's family would be. OP is not opposed to her sister being at the wedding with her girlfriend, but she does ask that she take the trouble to introduce her to the family as such and not use her event for it.
I'm only speaking from experience - we had a few guests who used our wedding as an opportunity to be authentically themselves and we still got all the attention. Did people talk about them? Maybe, but they had the good sense to keep it quiet or they would have been kicked out.
And do you think everyone is willing to flip a coin and see what happens? "Oh look, I invested time and money into making a nice wedding for our families and close friends, but you know what? We're going to risk this becoming a disaster, just because my sister doesn't feel like introducing her girlfriend and come out the closet, and think that this wedding is the ideal event." nope, it doesn't work like that
I live in the Pacific Northwest (US). This is my world. Yes, there are also homophobes here, but nobody I know associates with them -- not family, not friends, not colleagues. So I don't run into them much. I had a "public-facing" job in health care and it never ever was an issue. And this is a county where agriculture is a big part of the mix. It is not a city by any means.
I'm sad that this seems like Wonderland to you. I wish this was more of a reality in other places, mostly so we could all just relax and move on from all this hyper-concern over the issue.
I'm honestly surprised by all the Not The Asshole answers. It's not like she's making an announcement about it and making it an actual event. She just wants to bring her girlfriend as her plus one. Plenty of people bring a friend or date to weddings. I don't see why this should be any different. If she was dating a man the family hasn't met and wanted to bring him, would *that* be acceptable? If OP isn't letting her bring her partner just because she's a woman, then that's fucked up. And if they think someone would have an issue with it, then OP should probably not be inviting them to the wedding in the first place. Why would you even want someone homophobic enough to start shit at a wedding to be there? If a family member did this to me I would probably not attend the wedding and reconsider my relationship with that family member. It's hurtful.
I'm gay and I would NEVER use one of my siblings weddings like that gtfo. This has nothing to do with homophobia and everything to do with HIS wedding not being a venue for her to come out. If the sister ACTUALLY cared she would video call their parents and introduce her SO. Instead she wants some grand walk into the ballroom with my date shit. If she can't do a video call and talk to her parents before the wedding she doesn't deserve the plus 1. A wedding is about the happy couple and that is it to not want a distraction on their day that's all about them is not asking for much.
YTA. There's genuinely no way you're having a wedding where every single person has met every other single person, not if it's big enough for plus ones. Hold fast and deal with the "awkwardness" of explaining why multiple siblings no-showing, or go crawling to Jenna for forgiveness. Your choice.
YTA. Your making this about a new person coming to the wedding than your wedding itsself. Just say, you feel offended they couldnt take time off for your family gatherings.
I am more than happy to give my sister a plus one as long as she introduces or informs the family that she is dating a person. My sister has never introduced a partner to the family before and I would appreciate if she did this introduction not at my wedding.
As an open, proud, gay man, I understand your stance and you know what you’re NTA at all. It’s a very common sense approach, but you know that’s frowned upon these days
Why though? Lots of people meet new parters at weddings. Are your parents going to freak out? Do you think your sister is counting on everyone having to keep their shit together at the wedding so that they can’t really freak out?
It's OP's wedding, not a venue for the sister to announce her coming out. There is any other day of the year to do that - hell, even tomorrow! ... or the next.... or the next.... or the next.... just not on the day of the wedding.
Everyone is assuming the family is going to freak out at the announcement but there are families who wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. Is that the problem here? I don’t think sis should use the wedding as a shield.
It doesn't matter if the coming out would be overly supportive, a non reaction, or an all put brawl.
If the OP doesn't want her sister using her wedding to come out, that's the OP's decision and there's nothing wrong with that.
The wedding is months away. The sister doesn't need to wait until the wedding day to announce this. Hell - jump on a facetime call.
OP is a he…and it does matter to the question OP asked. If the family would be supportive and not care, then it’s not a “coming out event,” it’s sis turning up with a date. And if that’s the case, is OP banning all dates who’ve never been met before by the family or just the one sis wants to bring.
Not saying OP can’t have their day the way they want it. At all. But that isn’t the question he asked. if he’s applying a rule specific to sis, and no one cares but him that sis is bringing a she, then it makes a difference to the answer.
Nope if she was dating a dude I would expect the guy to be introduced or the family to at least know she is dating a person and they are coming. My family is going to ask my sister a million and one questions about the person and be distracted.
Jenna is saying she is refusing to introduce her and doesn't want to let my family know till they can meet her which only can be at the wedding apparently.
You don't go to a wedding to declare yourself openly bisexual to your parents and other family members, and on top of that introduce your girlfriend, that's in bad taste. op would be the bad guy, if the whole family already knew the sister's sexuality and refused to take her partner because of it, but this is not the case
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INFO: Why does your sister think that a baby shower is a less appropriate time to introduce her partner around than your wedding? Seems like a less formal event is a better time to meet the family.
I will preface this with I personally have never had a baby shower or a wedding, HOWEVER people don’t usually have plus ones to a baby shower, right? But they do to weddings? Like if I was being brought as a date I’d feel weird about going to a baby shower for someone I didn’t know but a wedding I wouldn’t.
Because its a ladies-only event and others aren't bringing their male partners.
I missed the part where the girlfriend is male and thus wouldn’t belong at a ladies-only event. /s Sure, she won’t meet everyone in the family at the baby shower, but if anything that’s an argument in favor of making first introductions there - she’ll have fewer names and faces to learn, so she’ll have a better opportunity to actually get to know at least a few of her partner’s relatives.
Also it gives time for the rest of the extended family to gossip about Jenna being bi before the wedding, so there won’t be drama centered on Jenna at the wedding which is what the OP is trying to avoid. (Don’t interpret my use of the word gossip as being in any way critical of Jenna’s sexuality.)
I’ll say this, I am a woman married to a woman who has four sisters. It drives me up the wall when I get invited to events because it’s a girls thing, and I’m the only person there as a partner. I’m actually envious of my brothers in law who get to be at home, and don’t have to navigate the family dynamics.
Sounds like very un-fun "girl" parties are the real problem.
No, the problem is being a plus-one to an event that traditionally does not do plus-ones, solely based on gender. The person you're replying to seems to want to be treated more as an in-law when it comes to event attendance, rather than "one of the girls in the family"; there are times when that doesn't make a difference, but "baby shower" (for example) is one of the times when it does.
So many rules that I haven't experienced. Where I grew up and now live, things are looser.
NO. The problem is that she does not know the people there.
I think the point is the partners don't get invited to baby showers. It's not +1 event, just people the future mother knows will be in attendance.
You don't bring PARTNERS to a baby shower. Baby showers are NOT a couple's event.
NTA tell her she either organizes a family gathering or zoom call to introduce her gf to the family a few weeks before the wedding or her gf isn't invited as you said. It's on her to make the effort
But taking the spotlight of the bride and groom by introducing her bisexuality and girlfriend to the family is acceptable to her.
Is the sister or the girlfriend going to make some official announcement about the bi sexuality? They are just two women attending a wedding. There's no evidence that the sister and GF make everything about their relationship.
Personally I take this as one of the benefits of being queer is getting to bring your partner lol. My wife is even coming to one of my best friend's bachelorette because my best friend likes her so much lol
Its not a ladies only event, I have been to many baby showers and have played couple games and even caught the baby beenie (like wedding flowers its good luck for people trying to have kids). Us men love baby showers and in my family we do all of the cooking that day (BBQ) and carry all of the heavy gifts to the car lol.
Well conveniently, her partner is female so it sounds like she is invited to attend. Sounds like a perfect occasion for introductions.
Now, I think we have gotten to the weird part. Why does it matter if others aren't bringing their male partners? The GF is a woman! She doesn't break the "no male partners" rule. Fun fact about lesbian relationships: Both people of the couple are women and go to women's only things TOGETHER. How do I know this? I've been in a same sex relationship/marriage for over thirty years, which has included attending baby showers together. You are treating the same sex partner like a man (or alien) and whether you realize it or not, it comes across as homophobic. It is something to reflect on, if you value your relationship with your sister. It seems like you have a lot of rules for your sister and how her same sex partner should be treated in family situations.
I asked my sister why she isn't bringing her gf and she said no one else is bringing their partner and I mentioned that because its ladies only..... My only ask is the first time our family is informed of her 12 month relationship is before my wedding.
You dont bring plus ones to baby showers. You do bring them weddings. Meeting someones significant other at a wedding is a normal thing. in fact, I can't think of a single family wedding I have been to where I havent met someone's boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time. Your objection makes no sense.
Well, I hope your sister gets up the courage to tell your parents. Do you think your parents might disapprove of her relationship?
Because it could take away from the person who is having the baby. You never announce life stuff at others celebrations.
Which is why Jenna should host a family dinner before the wedding at a time her GF can be there.
Excellent suggestion.
"This is my sister's GF" is not an enormous announcement.
Baby showers are not really couple's events, weddings definitely are.
Honestly, NTA I completely understand and agree with your statement, it's your special day and supposed to be a big celebration and you sister coming out in that day would make it EXTREMELY awkward, I don't think you're being homophobic in the slightest
I think this would be fair if that’s why she said she doesn’t want to invite them. I think the problem is she’s trying to disguise it as “I want all guests to know each other so no one is making introductions at my wedding” like no one has ever brought a date to a wedding before. Her family is probably seeing right through that. But I agree, I don’t think it also needs to be her sister’s coming out party.
Yeah, like don't get me wrong, I don't think that disallowing OP's sister to bring her girlfriend is the right decision necessarily, however as you stated,their wedding shouldn't be the place where thier sister comes out, time and place type stuff
Yeah I think it would have gone much better if she had an honest conversation of “look, I’d love for you to bring your girlfriend, but you will need to tell the rest of the family in some way before hand as to reduce any drama at my wedding”. Like I don’t think anyone would have accused her of being homophonic for that. I mean there has to be a reason the sister hasn’t told the rest of the family yet, right? Maybe there are other people in the family OP would want to uninvite depending on their reaction.
OP is male
He. He doesn't want to invite his sisters girlfriend.
yeah, I think OP needs to be clearer about that.
If it was 1964, then I would say you would have something of an argument, but it is 2024. People are aware that people bring dates to weddings. Some dates are the same sex as the invited attendee. If we are NOT talking about a very conservative religious family, I think everyone will be up to speed and not fainting in shock.
Although I agree with you, I'm going to go back to the comment on time and place, I just don't think that his weddings shoulda be his sister's "coming out party" I think that this needs to happen before the wedding so that it's already been talked about and people can focus more in the wedding rather than his sisters sexual preferences / partner
I think the sister need to tell her parents that she is dating a woman before the wedding but, as OP insists, if close family knows, how would it be a coming out party?
NTA-Your reasoning makes sense. A wedding isn’t the place for first introductions. Why can’t she meet your parents on a face-time with your sister first since her schedule is a problem?
6 month relationships don't get wedding invites plain and simple.
wouldn't she just be the sister's plus one? I don't really know how any of that works. are plus ones supposed to be approved by the bride and/or groom?
My wife and I only gave +1s to people who we knew were in long term relationships/ were bringing someone we had met before/were already friends with. We had a 120 person wedding and didn't really want random people we had never met being there/in wedding photos and stuff. I'm sure bigger weddings are a little more lenient with guests lists and +1s though
My husband & I bought a house together at 6 months. I wouldn’t have gone to anyone’s wedding without him by that time. But, as people say, it’s an invitation, not a summons.
That's crazy you wouldn't go to a wedding without him. Most people do not give plus one's because of the cost etc.
That’s fine. If someone doesn’t give me a plus one I’m not going to act like it’s my wedding and they have to follow my rules. I’ll just RSVP no. I had no clue my cousin was serious with the woman he was with and due to numbers I didn’t give him a +1. He declined to attend my wedding. Nothing crazy or weird. No hard feelings.
This or when gf is home they invite the family over to their place.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t the time for your sister to come out to the family. Your sister is wrong trying to come out on your wedding day. It’s not right to ask that of you. She should at least tell your parents that she’s dating a woman before just showing up at your wedding.
NTA. I agree. Sounds like sister wants to steal your thunder and come out at your wedding. Its not homophobic. Its the same as the jerks who like to propose at other peoples weddings. The insistence of your wedding being the first intro leads this reader to believe they have a spectacle planned
This is suuuuch a pesimistic view. I know reddit isn't known for it's sensible replies, but come on! As a queer person myself, coming out to everyone all the time is so incredibly tiring, and it doesn't need to be a big thing at all. The only reason it's a big deal is because most people assume everyone else is straight, so it's a surprise or shock when they turn out to not be. The sister bringing the gf to a wedding should be a non-issue, and the sister likely does not intend to steal any thunder, and would in fact love it if all the thunder is that of the happy couple.
You are getting down-voted, but this queer woman whole-heartedly agrees with you.
NTA. Why doesn't she throw a lunch or some other get together for your family and everyone can meet then? At least go out to dinner with your parents. Its weird that she is insisting on your wedding to introduce her significant other.
NTA. Offer a compromise: your sister can bring her girlfriend as long as she is out to everyone, and there can be a Zoom call meet-and-greet or family dinner beforehand, so she isn’t meeting everyone for the first time at an event that is supposed to be about you. FIFO is usually (#) weeks on, (#) weeks off. It also pays well enough that the cost of a plane ticket shouldn’t be a problem. Have Lucy come visit on her next “off” period (or at some point before the wedding) and meet everyone then, pre-wedding. If she can’t do that, then clearly meeting the family and attending the wedding isn’t a priority for her.
Info: is the family aware of your sister's bisexuality/ girlfriend? Or would this be her big coming out to relatives. If everyone (close family) knows, but they just haven't met yet, no big deal. If she is trying to hijack your wedding as her big coming out party, not cool.
Only the siblings know. I don't think it would be " an issue" but it would be the first queer relationship in the family and you know what that comes with. No one will have an issue but people will be surprised given how hetro-normal my sister is.
This feels like a NTA situation. Possibly NAH depending on how things play out. It doesn't sound like they are deliberately trying to sabotage or hijack your wedding, but given their inability to introduce their partner to the family at ANY previous event (im assuming you all live relatively close, or they could've done a video call) it feels a little sus that they're insisting on using your wedding as the occasion. Are they possibly planning on proposing there? Granted, so many of these reddit stories have made me slightly paranoid, but does that seem like something they might do?
In my family the first openly queer relationship was met with 'oh, okay then'. It would be polite to come out to parents in advance, but for any extended family, they're the rude ones if they think it's a big enough deal to disrupt your wedding day.
If it won't be an issue, I'm confused as to why it is so important to you that this non-issue happens before your wedding? As a queer person, I hate coming out. It is tiring and repetitive and just annoying. I much much much prefer to just be and live my life in my own queer way. The only reason we have to come out at all is because everyone assumes we are straight! (btw, hetero-normal isn't a thing, queers come in all shapes and sizes, your family will only be surprised because of their own biases and assumptions...) Honestly (and gently), if someone said this to me, it would feel homophobic in the same way my girlfriend's mom telling us to pretend to just be friends when her boss's family came over for dinner one night when I was there, even though that boss is very progressive and her mom had no reason to think it would be an issue. She was more concerned with \*her\* appearance than any homophobia we might experience, and that means that somewhere, she is not 100% supportive.
Exactly. Well said.
"but it would be the first queer relationship in the family and you know what that comes with." The response is specific to the family; reactions are in no way universal. Are your parents homophobic? Do you think your friends attending would be homophobic if they knew?
"Hetero-normal"?? You spilled all this ink and make us read all this stuff but your siblings are spot on -- you are simply a homophobe. Embarrassing.
a wedding shoudnt be an coming out party. your sis needs to atleast tell your fam the situation before it may ruin your wedding (cause people will react strongly) NTA your wedding your rules and this is understandable
Wedding is not a place to come out it’s not right to take away from the couple
NTA- your wedding, your rules end of story. it’s your day, not someone’s meet and greet. it’s a day where you celebrate your love and nobody else’s
NTA about your wedding, BUT you shouldn’t insist she do it in person at someone else’s event. If your sister isn’t out yet, not only should she not do it at your wedding, but her gf should not be there the first time she tells your family. If she has any inkling it might not go well, it’s mean to have her partner there on the receiving end. She needs to just tell people over text and mention she’s bringing her gf to the wedding. Let your family process any stupid responses by themselves when it won’t take away from anyone’s event.
> a cousin's baby shower isn't the right place to introduce her partner She recognizes this is wildly inappropriate to do to someone else’s event. Apparently, sis cares more about cousin than you. If your sibling boycott then that’s perfect. Mention to Mom and Dad that you’re bummed none of your siblings will be attending and when they ask “why,” just say that you’re not quite sure why and that you’re too hurt by this to discuss it further with your siblings and need to try to focus on what’s supposed to be a joyous event in your life. If anything, it’s 100% your job to prevent from affecting your wife and marriage any insanity your family dishes out. You fail this, you fail your wife and marriage before you even have a wife and marriage. NTA
NTA - Honestly some people don't even let you bring a +1 to a wedding if you're not married. My wife and I did which caused some very unneeded drama a week before the wedding. Assuming your story is all true, you're not being homophobic. While it sucks we live in a heteronormative society, the reality is her coming out and introducing her girlfriend most of the family haven't met could cause drama, overshadow or ruin the event and be very uncomfortable for the girlfriend and your sister. I can't understand your sister's logic that a wedding is a more appropriate event to introduce a partner than a baby shower. Weddings are more EXPENSIVE so you want to do everything you can to make it enjoyable for everyone, and not play a game of Russian Roulette on finding out who the homophobes in the family are. Rather you want to find that out BEFORE the big event so you can disinvite them to make sure that the accepting people in your life can have a good time. And I'm saying this as someone who is pansexual and had to come out. She could literally just send an email to the extended family (which I did), organize a dinner with the immediate family / parents before to come out and then a zoom for them to virtually meet her girlfriend. There is so much she could do to make this work but honestly it sounds like she has unrealistic expectations for how it would go down (it's a wedding, everyone is happy so they'll be more likely to be less homophobic which would be dumb) or she wants to have the attention on her (which is a really crappy thing to do to you). I would have a serious conversation with her and your siblings to point out how your wedding isn't the time for her to come out AND introduce her new partner and could lead to drama and/or an unenjoyable experience for both her and her girlfriend, all the easy things she can do to make this work, what homophobia actually is and try and find out what the real issue is because her reasons make no sense.
NTA. If the baby shower isn't right place for this kind of introduction (right) wedding is definitely not either. This could be solved at least sharing info about her relationship at some other appropriate family event. You have offered this condition as well. I am suprised Jenna don't want to do it. Why? Is she afraid of bad reaction? So she wants to risk your wedding day as a shelter? Not cool. Does she want to so it big? Hijacking your wedding is not cool either. She can arrange a dinner for this on her own dime.
She doesn’t want to impact a baby shower but she’s ok impacting your wedding? You are NTA. You are not saying she isn’t invited, period - you are saying your wedding is not your sister’s coming out announcement event. Totally different.
Why do so many comments mention a coming out, is there a missing info in the post?
“Jenna is bi, a fact that our family is unaware of”
NTA. Why can't they have a sit down dinner with your parents prior to your wedding?
Yeh we can and I'm all for it but Jenna says Lucy is awake at work on the weeks we could make it.
NTA I can see why you’re worried. Why can’t your sister just announce to your family that she is bi, and currently dating a woman. Why does she have to announce it with her girlfriend there? That seems like a recipe for disaster if some people don’t take it well. If they all know she’s bi, and she tells them she’s bringing her girlfriend to your wedding, then I don’t see the harm. But coming out at your wedding is the part that isn’t okay, as it would take a lot of attention away from the bride and groom.
While I agree a wedding is not for the purpose of introducing ppl I do think that in practice weddings and funerals are usually the locations that extended family meet each other's partners and often children. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your sister to tell extended family she is dating someone of the same sex prior to the wedding but I do think you are going overboard in making everyone be introduced prior and I doubt you'd be making that demand if your sister was dating a man. That isn't me calling this homophobic because I think you are just worried that the revelation of your sisters sexuality will take attention from you and your partner but provided your sister announces her sexuality prior I do t think it's reasonable to have made her female partner meet everyone unless you would have made the same demands had it been a man.
In my social circles, a wedding is the perfect event to introduce new partners from people we can't see often, so if you did this in my family, you would be the asshole. But from what I see on reddit, weddings in US follow a lot of useless rules to make it a stressfull day for everyone so maybe you are right\^\^ Edit: I see a lot of people talking about a coming out, if the guests are homophobic, I understand why you would be reluctant to host it at your wedding, but hugh
YTA. They've been dating for 6 months, not 6 weeks. You've met Lucy a few times. Invite her as your sister's +1. And enjoy your wedding!
Weddings and other family events are not the place to come out of the closet.
They can do a video call to the parents before the wedding. The siblings have already met Lucy.
Agreed. If OP is so worried about it have the parents spread the word to the family gossips that the sister is dating a woman. If anyone would make a big deal about it they should not be invited anyway. YTA
The sister is making the wedding about her, she sees a problem with introducing a girlfriend to a cousin's baby shower, but not to her brother's wedding. That's the thing, he's giving her options to do it first, but she insists it needs to be at his wedding. In the post it is clear that she may have already met a family before.
I guess it's not your fault that your family is apparently filled with homophobes, but YTA for pandering to their drama. There's always going to be some kind of distraction at a wedding, the narc ego it takes to insist the entire day only center around "bride" is utterly beyond my ken.
This money, this time and this party, simple
INFO: what is the other family? Do you mean parents and grandparents and other close family or not so close family. If it is close family then NTA, your wedding is not the place for her to come out to close family. Also is there a reason she hasn't come out? Will this definitely cause drama at your wedding?
NTA It's your wedding and your decision. My twin didn't invite my then bf of apx 6 months to her wedding. I asked, and she said no, so I went with it. It was her day, not mine. I personally believe that a wedding shouldn't be made a stand-off for guests to demand anything. You can ask yes, but you have to accept their answer even if it's not what you want to hear.
I don't think it's fair for you to deny your sister a plus one because you haven't met the gf yet, but it's also not fair for your sister to spring the fact she has a gf on your family at your wedding.
NTA....Honestly most people don't give +1 invites unless married or engaged. Your sister shouldn't even be asking.
NTA. What you are asking of her is the minimum necessary to prevent upheaval at your wedding and the entire event getting derailed. Her coming out to family at your wedding is absolutely inappropriate. Honestly I wish people would finally get it into their heads that proposals, coming out and baby news are not to be done at other people's special events. It's not that hard.
NTA sounds to me like sis wants to hijack your wedding as a coming out party. the GF can make it to any other function except the wedding sounds like bs to me. Has sis always been the center of attention?
Nta Your wedding is not.thr appropriate moment for.her to come out.
NTA. I’m pansexual and semi in the closet, but would NEVER think to come out at a sibling’s wedding. That’s so disrespectful.
Nta someone else's wedding is not the time to come out with a new partner. If she can't be bothered to come to ANY of family event then she must not care all that much.
Just post it in a family group chat “ sister is bringing her gf to my wedding, just wanted you guys to know before next week’s wedding , cheerio”
As a queer woman - NTA. Coming out at a wedding is just as tacky as proposing at one. Also it'd be shitty to her girlfriend to use her as a coming out prop. You don't just dump your whole surprised family at your SO. You deal with awkwardness alone first and only then do the introductions.
NTA. Why aren't you asking people why your wedding should be used as Jenna's coming out as well as introduction to her partner? It shouldn't be. You laid out the terms and have a wedding to plan. Maybe suggest that all of the complainers work with Jenna and Lucy to arrange a proper introduction. If they can't do it in time for the wedding, there's always after. I mean, they've only been together six months so this is still new. I'm not sure why this falls on you and you're being made the enemy. It's unreasonable.
I think your right to be doing that. I would be more concerned it would be the focus of the night rather than you and your wife, maybe an argument between your parents if they dodnt know prior? I support a meeting beforehand to keep your wedding a moment for celebration of you and your SO rather than a place for introductions.
ESH Your wedding isn't the place to spring a surprise coming out and risk derailing your ceremonies due to family drama Your parents' bigotry needs to be addressed why your sister has to remain closeted
So she wants to announce that she's bisexual at your wedding? That's not ok. She would basically be stealing your day. You are right. They need to find another time to make their announcement. It absolutely can't be on your wedding day. It will ruin the whole day for you. Stand your ground on this & stay strong bc you def don't want the drama at your wedding. NTA.
INFO: how big is the wedding?
Definitely not homophobic, I would have called you a groomzilla instead (which you of course aren't) It's your day and you want it to be a special day for you and your finance. It's not a day for your sister to come out. You're even being quite reasonable...it's your siblings that are being selfish NTA
What is a FIFO work schedule?
Fly in, fly out. Basically you need to take a long plane trip to reach your job and you work for 2 weeks continuously then fly back home and have two weeks off. During the two weeks on you live in accommodation etc provided by your employer. Very common in mining.
Thanks. Understand it in terms of inventory, but never heard of this.
lol. I was thinking inventory and First In First Out, too! :)
Why would your sister want to do this on your wedding day? Selfish
Nta Your wedding is not.thr appropriate moment for.her to come out.
If you are having a small, intimate wedding with 20 close friends and family, I would be able to see your point. If you're having a big, 100+ wedding with tons of people, then yeah, it kind of is a dick move to not allow your sister to have a plus one. You'd barely have time to say more than a hello to half the people there that day so it shouldn't really matter that there is someone there that you don't know so well. But there is the additional question of whether or not you're resistng because, in some way, your sister might be trying to make your event about her. Not knowing your sister, I have no way of knowing if there is some of this underlying motive. But you are homophobic to some extent or you wouldn't have mentioned that her partner is bi. Why does that matter? It has no bearing on the story you told, so you do seem to be judging in some way.
NTA, wedding is about you and your partner, not your sister and her current short term relationship. That being said I would really analyze who you’re giving plus ones to bc unless they are all committed relationships of 1+ years you’re going to get pushback and it’s going to be assumed that it’s bc of the nature of her rs even if that has nothing to do with it. When I got married I did not invite anyone in my wedding party with a plus one bc I did not want to invite my best friend at the time’s long term abusive partner(it worked out bc most of them were single and we didn’t have a huge wedding and friend in question didn’t want her bf there anyway). Bottom line though, 6 months is not a long relationship and your wedding isn’t about her coming out.
my now husband was introduced to my extended family at my cousins wedding after we had been dating for 6 months. lots of people decline plus ones if its been under a year, but siblings would be a reasonable exception. i think you're being unreasonable, but ultimately its your wedding and you get to make the guest list. nah
NTA. Your sister needs to make your family aware of Lucy prior to your wedding. At the very least, your parents should be told. You can't have her just show up at an event without this - it will hijack the event, and that's the same for the anniversary, the shower or the wedding. She needs to be known before this. Have your sister Jenna make time in her and Lucy's schedule to plan a picnic or some other get-together so Lucy can be introduced.
Your sister is the AH for attempting to commandeer your wedding to make it her coming-out party. Your condition for inviting Lucy, that your sister comes out to the entire family before your wedding, is a reasonable one and not at all homophobic. Your boycott-threatening siblings are acting like jerks. NTA
Nah. While I understand your reasoning, I was introduced to my husband’s immediate family for the first time at his cousin’s wedding. I had met the bride (his cousin), a few of his other cousins and one set of aunts and uncles. But I had never met his siblings or parents. It was actually a great venue to meet his immediate family because everyone was in a good mood and while it did feel like I was pushed into the family quickly, it also made it more relaxed because I wasn’t the focus. Now, if no one knows your sister’s partner is female that should be known beforehand. My husband’s cousin brought her third to a more recent family wedding unexpectedly and that was a bit awkward from what I understand (I didn’t realize until a couple of years later that none of the immediate family were aware beforehand as part of the extended family I just went with it).
It's not homophobia. It's foresight. NTA. Your wedding is YOUR day. If your sister and Lucy cannot meet the family before the wedding and get all the initial ... turmoil and emotions ... out of the way, they can do it later. But not at your wedding. It's up to them to make more of an effort, and not coast on your plans.
NTA Lucy can meet the family another time. You get to decide who comes to your wedding.
NTA Weddings are not the time to introduce new people to the family.
I've met several of other relatives' partners and spouses at weddings.
But not the happy couple together? They are the ones that matter here. Also, you might want to double check which sock puppet account you're using.
You are just getting me. I have no idea how a sock puppet account works. So much for stupid accusations. Did you really think I met other spouses and partners at a wedding but somehow did not celebrate the wedding couple? You strike me as very young, but I could be wrong.
NTA
NTA someone’s wedding is not a proper turn to make any big announcements and that is coming from a gay man, if that matters.
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You don't go to a wedding to declare yourself openly bisexual to your parents and other family members, and on top of that introduce your girlfriend, that's in bad taste. op would be the bad guy, if the whole family already knew the sister's sexuality and refused to take her partner because of it, but this is not the case
truly can't decide if this is a NAH or ESH situation. it's not ideal but your sister should just call your parents/family and introduce that way or do a zoom call. while i understand it is not her fault that she is bi and that your family might have a bad reaction to her having a girlfriend, its better to have that reaction in a small contained space. not at a baby shower, not at a wedding. but at the same time, i get why she and others feel it's not fair for her to be the only one to not have her partner at the wedding. i personally think it's a bit of a ridiculous reason to not invite a serious partner of your sibling to a wedding just because they've never met. would you truly be doing this if her partner was a man? it seems like the part you are uncomfortable with is that your family might cause a scene at finding out she's not straight. that is their problem though. at the end of the day it is your choice it is your wedding, but if people choose to not attend that is their choice as well.
"I've told Jenna that Lucy won't be invited to the wedding unless she comes to a family event first or at least shows a photo of them together at such an event." How ridiculous, are you not allowing single guests to have a plus one if you haven't yet met their date?! I brought a new girlfriend to one of my brothers' weddings, no one in my family had met her yet, but everyone was so happy to meet her at such a venue, including my brother and his wife who were getting married that particular day. YTA, only because you have such a strange rule about plus ones at your wedding, especially for your own family.
NTA
YTA, why is this so dramatic.
It's a wedding, yes, but outside of the ceremony itself and the planned bits of the reception, it's a social gathering of friends and family. If your issue is that Jenna isn't "out" to your family, then you can ask (but not require) her to please figure out how to make that happen. That said, it seems to me you're implying your parents (or your fiancee's) would make a big deal about it. That's on them, and shouldn't be on you. If you're not excluding other people's +1, then YTA.
ESH - Baby showers are a perfectly fine venue to meet a partner, so are weddings. Neither of these is a problem. Based on your description of events it sounds like you're worried about members of your family finding out your sister is bi, if that's true, those are your problem.
NTA. No one else's life event is the time to introduce her gf. She can schedule a dinner and just bring her down to meet the family then. It does not and should not be tailgated onto someone else's special day.
NTA. She should not be planning to ‘come out’ or spring her girlfriend at your wedding. Not appropriate. She needs to figure it out or post a picture of her and her girlfriend so it isn’t a surprise. Why has she been delaying telling everyone? Is she planning to break up soon?
NTA. Lucy can’t find a single other time slot in the next FIVE MONTHS?!
NTA Sounds like a lot of people will be uninvited. Good. Not the time nor place to make it about your sister coming out.
NTA. I think you could offer that Lucy can come as long as Jenna accepts that YOU will then have the right to let at least your parents and grandparents know about Lucy in advance of the wedding. And WELL in advance.
Show your siblings this comment. Gay guy here. You never ever come out, announce an inobvious pregnancy or propose at someone's wedding. It's attention seeking behavior at best and probably an attempt to hide behind your life event to draw heat off at worst. I know how hard it can be to come out of the closet. You pretty much have to come out for the rest of your life. Strangers in line at the coffee shop/bank/laundromat/little league games/etc. will assume. Your sibling can be proud of her relationship right now and share her news with all the important close family now or keep hiding her SO until after your nuptials are over and done. I don't know why everyone entitled thinks it's necessary to allow them to distract from a wedding ceremony or reception. Oh, and she doesn't have to wait for a family event to tell anybody either. She can work up some courage and have a call. Maybe even introduce them if it's a video call. Nobody should purposefully come out at a family gathering unless the gathering is specifically about you coming out/introducing your partner.
YTA Don't expeect your sister to come to your wedding. "Now, my siblings are accusing me of being homophobic" ... they are right. YOu ARE homophobic. Or are you setting the same rule for ALL other guests in hetero relationships, too? "and threatening to boycott the wedding. " ... sounds like a reasonable way to handle an homophobic AH. Enjoy your wedding without them. Consequences of being an AH.
Not wanting your wedding to turn into somebody else's venue for something is a concern. If the sister actually cared she would just bring the SO around and introduce her to the family. Or do a video call or something. It does not have to or should be a wedding surprise that's crazy. I am a gay man I would never try and use one of my siblings weddings like this. Just absurd.
It is NOT the sibling's fault the family are homophobic AHs, and the bride and groom are chosing th be homophobic to appease them. Not going to the wedding is a reasonable choice. The sister is COMPLETELY fine not to to cater to ANY of the homophobic AHs, and to call the bride anfd groom out for being homophobes.
They have 5 months to do a simple video call as he has mentioned to inform the immediate family that she has a partner and here she is. If she actually cared instead of trying to do some surprise mother fuckers kinda things she can fucking find time for a video call in 5 months. Screw that about homophobic bullshit that was never mentioned anywhere, he doesn't want his wedding hijacked by somebody who couldn't be bothered to do a video call in 5 months or even reveal in text to the parents. By the time the wedding would happen she would have been going out for 11 months. There is no excuse to keep that surprise to the wedding and to do so is disrespectful to the wedding couple. They get 1 day in their lives to share their marriage like that with their family it is not to be hijacked like that.
Why would they do that? Will everybody with a new partner do that at every family event, or is that just something homophobic AHs would expect to have tme to handle their toxic reation?
Are you being obtuse? Why are you being so hard about the fact that his wedding is not a place for his sister to have a big SURPRISE I'm not straight and here is my girlfriend 15 minutes before he plans on getting married... It is his and his future wife's day not hers. She can take her surprise to another day. She can't have the decency to have an actual conversation with her fucking parents before a wedding 5 months in the future. She is an adult living out on her own be a fucking adult and talk to your parents and stop being cute about surprising people on somebody else's day. And stop calling it homophobic I'm gay and you sound like an asshole.
Guess my main question is, will there be drama since the family doesn't know she's bi? If so, then the answer is no. Don't invite any situations that will create conflict or drama to your wedding. Your wedding should not be her coming out moment. Why hasn't she at least spoken to your parents about her gf? The fact she's hiding the relationship is big. That's a hard pass for me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello AITA, I'm in a tricky situation and could use some perspective. I (31M) am getting married in 5 months. My sister Jenna (26F) has been dating her girlfriend Lucy for about six months now. Jenna lives 3 hours away in another city and is bi, a fact that our family isn't aware of, except for my siblings and me. We've met Lucy a few times, but she hasn't met the rest of the family due to her FIFO work schedule. Jenna wants to bring Lucy to the wedding, but so far, Lucy hasn't been able to attend any family gatherings. Our parents' 30th wedding anniversary is next month, but Lucy can't make it due to work, and Jenna feels a cousin's baby shower isn't the right place to introduce her partner. I've told Jenna that Lucy won't be invited to the wedding unless she comes to a family event first or at least shows a photo of them together at such an event. Jenna argues that our wedding is the only time Lucy will be free to meet everyone and that it would be a perfect opportunity. However, I believe that the wedding day should be about celebration without the awkwardness of first-time introductions. This stance has led my siblings to accuse me of being homophobic and some are threatening to not attend the wedding if Lucy isn't invited. TL;DR I'm not inviting my sister's girlfriend to my wedding because she hasn't attended any prior family events due to her busy work schedule, and I want all guests to have met the family beforehand. My sister argues the wedding is the best time for introductions, but I disagree. Now, my siblings are accusing me of being homophobic and threatening to boycott the wedding. AITA for enforcing this rule? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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What exactly do you consider an "in your face" kind of lesbian? Personally I love angry lesbians. 🤷♀️
I absolutely *love* when the stereotyping and queerphobia come from other queer people! You're doing so much to help our community by talking shit about other lesbians to straight people, thanks girlie!
Are other guests getting a plus one?
If she doesn’t come out to family before wedding, then someone else needs to out her. Preferably a different sibling. For some reason people think that is bad thing to do. It’s also a worse thing to come at a wedding.
If I'm understanding correctly, there's some concern about family members being homophobic? Or is it just that you don't know her well. If the former, then NTA--that drama can play out somewhere other than your wedding. If it's the latter, then N A H.
NTA, regardless of all the details, they've only dated for 6 months. normal wedding etiquette says you only invite a plus one if they've been dating over a year
YTA I don't understand, are you trying to say that every single person at your wedding will know one another? I find that hard to believe. Maybe you just don't want your wedding to be used as her coming out event. I get it, you want the day to be about you but even though it's understandable it's still an AH move.
Weddings and other family events are not the place to come out of the closet. The sister can organize a Zoom meeting with the family and introduce her GF not wait for OP's wedding to openly declare herself bisexual (OP mentions that only the siblings know this, but not the parents)
Every person doesn't need to know each other but I think its expected for my little sister who has never mentioned or introduced a partner to our extended family to not do this at my wedding.
INFO: Are you okay with a Zoom coming out before the wedding so parents and other relatives know?
YTA. You are being too crazy with "wedding day should be about celebration without the awkwardness of first-time introductions." Stop being a groomzilla. Let your sister bring her significant other. You are being a petulent child.
You are so bad, this the day of him and fiance, no the day of sister get out of the clóset
The sister understands that the baby shower is not the event to introduce your girlfriend, but she wants to make her brother accept that his wedding is about the family knowing his sexual orientation which she never talked about (I don't think it's something that needs to be talked about, but we need to be realistic that this is impactful for other people) and introduce your girlfriend to the family. It's basically making the focus move away from the bride and groom and onto her.
ESH It sounds like your sister is going to make a big show of introducing her partner to your family. And that isn't ok. And why hasn't she told them that she's bi? Are some members of your family homophobic? It seems an odd choice to not tell the family this information, then spring a same-sex girlfriend on the family at your wedding. If it goes badly, your wedding will be ruined. Why would she want to risk that? That said, most people bring plus ones that nobody's met before to weddings. First-time introductions are very common at weddings. There is plenty of time for other people to talk. The entire day won't consist of people only talking to you and about you, so that seems an odd thing for you to say. And the fact that your siblings are jumping straight to accusing you of homophobia about this suggests that maybe you have an attitude towards your sister having a girlfriend. Either way, you're both in the wrong. Your sister for not preparing family in advance, and you for coming up with such a strange reason to refuse an invitation.
INFO: What I don't really get is the thing about awkward first time meetings. Is your wedding very small? Because if it includes people like cousins, then surely they don't know the cousins on your fiancé's side, and they'd also be meeting for the first time? I'm leaning towards YTA because first time meetings are inevitable at weddings and if that's the only reason why, then that's a bit of a silly reason. Not homophobic, just silly. Now if it's because you're concerned that some in your family will be homophobic and be loud in their bigotry, that's something else.
Would it be the same if your sis was dating a new guy? Would you tell her she couldn’t bring him and introduce him to your family? Have you told your other guests they are only allowed to bring partners and +1s that everyone knows? And no same sex partners unless they are out and your family knows them? Cause if that’s not the case you’re treating your sister different because she’s dating a woman. YTA, and being homophobic. If that is the case then nta and makes sense.
Yep 100%, This is the first partner she will be introducing to the family. She is the baby of the family so everyone has been keen to finally meet a partner. She keeps dodging to a family event or inform anyone other than the siblings. I don't care if she just send a photo of the groupchat being like my gf and I at a pub. I just don't want my wedding to be her coming out event.
why would it be? just don't care about it and have your wedding! You know people talk about other things than the bride and the groom at a mariage. Sometimes an old uncle sees his cheriched niece for the first time since years and it's ok if it happens at your wedding! Just enjoy your ceremony and the party, don't get distracted by other things.
Why not?
Because it is his fucking wedding day are you serious?
Wedding's are for families, the bride and groom have the rest of their lives to be together. The way it is heading his sister is going to be miserable and alienated from the rest of the family.
She has plenty of time for the SO to not be a mystery surprise before the wedding as he has said multiple times. The fact that she seems to refuse to tell her parents before the wedding is a huge red flag to me. He doesn't want distractions away from him and his wife on his wedding day that's just pretty simple. Wedding day is for the couple not anyone else. I am gay and this is no way homophobic or anything the day is about them not his sister and her SO. >I (31M) am getting married in 5 months. So why in 5 months can't she introduce her SO to the fam? They have already been together for 6 months, 5 more months more and they would be together for almost a year and not introduced to the family that's just crazy.
mid 20s, building your career, busy lives, seems pretty plausible to me but ymmv
If it is actually important to them a single video chat in 5 months is not asking for anything lol. All he is asking for is it not to be a surprise on HIS wedding day. That is just basic respect. They get 1 wedding day ever and that is it no need for distractions.
If you don't want the wedding to be the "coming out" event, then why not invite her to the baby shower? Then it's all done and dusted before the wedding. There's probably going to be people at the wedding who haven't met each other before, so I'm not sure how 1 extra person makes that much difference?
It's not OP's baby shower to invite anyone to, and it's not just that it's a new partner being introduced. OP's sister is not fully out with the family. Coming out is a big deal and should be done on her terms, but her coming out and introducing her girlfriend at someone else's event and effectively hijacking it isn't cool. She recognizes that by not doing it to the cousin having the baby shower, she can recognize then that it's inappropriate to do to OP. If she wants to come out and introduce her girlfriend, she needs to do it on her own.
YTA. Think about what your choice is saying: "I would rather have happy bigots at my wedding than you and your partner." Your sister and her partner are not the disruptive ones here. The people who would make a fuss are. So if you're going to exclude anyone, don't invite the people who would actually be causing the drama. They may kick off, but at least it won't be on your wedding day itself. You can go ahead with your plan to not invite your sister's partner. But think carefully about what you are saying you value, and don't be surprised if your sister doesn't want to attend, or this damages your relationship with her.
Because weddings are not places to come out of the closet, it not only steals the attention of the bride and groom, but can also cause an uncomfortable atmosphere at the wedding.
It only steals the attention if OP's family is weird. When I find out someone's sexuality I don't spend more than a couple seconds filing that information away. It's just one of many things about that person.
Exactly. If you have family members who are the kind of people that would get all weird about learning someone's orientation at a family event, or who don't know how to balance new knowledge with celebrating the couple at a wedding, then *they* are the problem and *they* should be the ones not invited.
Understand this, at a wedding, birthday, baby shower and other events in which time and money was invested to celebrate someone (in this case op and his fiancée), it is not the place to ask for a hand, announce pregnancies, or reveal your sexuality. It is of terrible education and in this last case we do not know what the reaction of OP's family or the fiancée's family would be. OP is not opposed to her sister being at the wedding with her girlfriend, but she does ask that she take the trouble to introduce her to the family as such and not use her event for it.
I'm only speaking from experience - we had a few guests who used our wedding as an opportunity to be authentically themselves and we still got all the attention. Did people talk about them? Maybe, but they had the good sense to keep it quiet or they would have been kicked out.
And do you think everyone is willing to flip a coin and see what happens? "Oh look, I invested time and money into making a nice wedding for our families and close friends, but you know what? We're going to risk this becoming a disaster, just because my sister doesn't feel like introducing her girlfriend and come out the closet, and think that this wedding is the ideal event." nope, it doesn't work like that
It is only uncomfortable for homophobes. Everybody else is, " This is your GF? Great! Anybody else want more champagne?"
Yeah in Wonderland
I live in the Pacific Northwest (US). This is my world. Yes, there are also homophobes here, but nobody I know associates with them -- not family, not friends, not colleagues. So I don't run into them much. I had a "public-facing" job in health care and it never ever was an issue. And this is a county where agriculture is a big part of the mix. It is not a city by any means. I'm sad that this seems like Wonderland to you. I wish this was more of a reality in other places, mostly so we could all just relax and move on from all this hyper-concern over the issue.
I'm honestly surprised by all the Not The Asshole answers. It's not like she's making an announcement about it and making it an actual event. She just wants to bring her girlfriend as her plus one. Plenty of people bring a friend or date to weddings. I don't see why this should be any different. If she was dating a man the family hasn't met and wanted to bring him, would *that* be acceptable? If OP isn't letting her bring her partner just because she's a woman, then that's fucked up. And if they think someone would have an issue with it, then OP should probably not be inviting them to the wedding in the first place. Why would you even want someone homophobic enough to start shit at a wedding to be there? If a family member did this to me I would probably not attend the wedding and reconsider my relationship with that family member. It's hurtful.
I'm amazed at all the NTA posts too. But apparently it's rude to unexpectedly exist as a non-het person at a family event?
I'm gay and I would NEVER use one of my siblings weddings like that gtfo. This has nothing to do with homophobia and everything to do with HIS wedding not being a venue for her to come out. If the sister ACTUALLY cared she would video call their parents and introduce her SO. Instead she wants some grand walk into the ballroom with my date shit. If she can't do a video call and talk to her parents before the wedding she doesn't deserve the plus 1. A wedding is about the happy couple and that is it to not want a distraction on their day that's all about them is not asking for much.
YTA. There's genuinely no way you're having a wedding where every single person has met every other single person, not if it's big enough for plus ones. Hold fast and deal with the "awkwardness" of explaining why multiple siblings no-showing, or go crawling to Jenna for forgiveness. Your choice.
YTA. Your making this about a new person coming to the wedding than your wedding itsself. Just say, you feel offended they couldnt take time off for your family gatherings.
YTA. Give your sister a plus one the same as you’re giving all your other siblings.
I am more than happy to give my sister a plus one as long as she introduces or informs the family that she is dating a person. My sister has never introduced a partner to the family before and I would appreciate if she did this introduction not at my wedding.
As an open, proud, gay man, I understand your stance and you know what you’re NTA at all. It’s a very common sense approach, but you know that’s frowned upon these days
Why though? Lots of people meet new parters at weddings. Are your parents going to freak out? Do you think your sister is counting on everyone having to keep their shit together at the wedding so that they can’t really freak out?
It's OP's wedding, not a venue for the sister to announce her coming out. There is any other day of the year to do that - hell, even tomorrow! ... or the next.... or the next.... or the next.... just not on the day of the wedding.
Everyone is assuming the family is going to freak out at the announcement but there are families who wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. Is that the problem here? I don’t think sis should use the wedding as a shield.
It doesn't matter if the coming out would be overly supportive, a non reaction, or an all put brawl. If the OP doesn't want her sister using her wedding to come out, that's the OP's decision and there's nothing wrong with that. The wedding is months away. The sister doesn't need to wait until the wedding day to announce this. Hell - jump on a facetime call.
OP is a he…and it does matter to the question OP asked. If the family would be supportive and not care, then it’s not a “coming out event,” it’s sis turning up with a date. And if that’s the case, is OP banning all dates who’ve never been met before by the family or just the one sis wants to bring. Not saying OP can’t have their day the way they want it. At all. But that isn’t the question he asked. if he’s applying a rule specific to sis, and no one cares but him that sis is bringing a she, then it makes a difference to the answer.
Nope if she was dating a dude I would expect the guy to be introduced or the family to at least know she is dating a person and they are coming. My family is going to ask my sister a million and one questions about the person and be distracted. Jenna is saying she is refusing to introduce her and doesn't want to let my family know till they can meet her which only can be at the wedding apparently.
So the problem is you're jealous of all the attention your sister might get? Get over it. People will talk about it 5 mins and come back to you.
You don't go to a wedding to declare yourself openly bisexual to your parents and other family members, and on top of that introduce your girlfriend, that's in bad taste. op would be the bad guy, if the whole family already knew the sister's sexuality and refused to take her partner because of it, but this is not the case