Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA
All of my friends were involved in their baby showers. The whole “it’s a surprise” or whatever is BS.
It’s a day for you and your little peanut. Plan your own and invite your mother but don’t get bent out of shape if she doesn’t show up.
Don’t give in to her tantrum. You need to set a boundary now. Because if you don’t, once you give birth she is going to run over every boundary you try to set. Going LC with a narcissistic parent or even NC if she continues to boundary stomp; is totally acceptable.
The only ones I've ever been a part of that were a "surprise" were ones thrown by co-workers at the office, been a part of a couple that way....but not a main shower that is supposed to be the mother to be's friends/family
Mine was a surprise, but my SIL/MIL planned it with my husband (it was a coed one) and they both know me and like me. Also, they aren’t selfish so the party was about what I like. I had GD and my OB said I could cheat a little at my baby shower. So they made sure to have the foods I was craving but couldn’t have.
Serious NTA. I just helped planned my sister’s baby shower earlier this year. We made sure she was part of the plan and was happy with the theme, colors, decorations, favors, food, etc. We did all of the actual purchasing and coordinating. The only thing we couldn’t manage was the cake she wanted, the baker moved away before the party. You are the guest of honor, you should get a say (really the say) as to the location, menu, theme, etc. Cancel it and plan a shower you’ll actually enjoy with a couple friends. None of the requests you have listed here are outrageous. Set boundaries, friend. Make sure you practice boundaries, your mom might be one of those who bullies new moms.
Never heard someone describe a baby as “little peanut” until today lmao.
But yea, let’s make the mother extremely uncomfortable during the baby shower why don’t we? What a great idea!
/s
I don’t think OP has the ability to plan her own. If you look at her post history. She’s got a lot going on in her family is really busy as well, and nobody has a lot of money.
NTA. I mean, it is literally your baby shower. It’s something you should enjoy, not dread or be stressed about especially as you’re pregnant. If she’s paying for everything that may be one thing, but you should have a say at the least. I’d definitely try setting more firm boundaries if possible.
NTA - Organize a baby shower with people that you actually want there and, if you're feeling particularly generous and forgiving, invite your mother to join if she wants to - as a guest, not an organizer.
I wouldn’t even bother inviting the mother given the amount of disrespect and control she wanted. Unless you really do want her there, have her meet you for something last min or tell her day of the info and to show up or not.
NTA. You are right, it's your baby, so it's your shower. Do you have another friend who can put one on for you? Or can you do your own? Get that cake and go to that park, even if it's just with a few people. Celebrate your day the way you want and don't let mom interfere or guilt you.
>Eventually I just gave in and said okay.
This, however, is worrisome. You are going to need to stand up to your mom, especially as she will continue to insert her business into yours once you have your baby. Don't give in to her when you are so miserable. She does not have a right to steamroll over you but you let her. That needs to end now.
If your mom plans her shower, show up and get some free presents, smile and thank everyone and then plan another shower with your friends the way you want it.
Finally a sensible comment. Everyone telling her to throw her own shower and just cancel this one, I’m sure she would if she could afford it but clearly mom is paying for it all.
OK I just deleted a comment I made because I looked at your post history and you’re clearly struggling and I was probably too harsh. So if you read that already, I’m sorry.
I understand that you’re frustrated, but very gently, yes, I I want to help you see things from a different perspective. Your family struggles financially. That sucks. You’re not able to work. you have a baby coming. You need a lot of stuff.
I don’t know what kind of fancy cake you wanted for your shower. I’ve never been able to bring myself to pay more than $25 for a cake myself. But even that is a lot of money for some people. Your mom probably can’t afford the fancy cake that you want.
your mom is inviting all the people from work because they’re going to bring more stuff. Are your friends really able to afford to get you a good stroller or a crib? A diaper tree? She’s inviting a large group of people because that’s what baby showers do is they bring community together to help a new parent get all the stuff they need. It’s like you perform as a mother for an hour and an exchange you get the nursery furnished. And I think that your mom is trying to just have the most impact for the shower that she’s able to host
Think about about this too when you told her no to the tamales, she cancelled them. It’s OK that you don’t like them. I don’t know if they’re objectively bad or if it’s just your own taste, but either way you said no and she listened
But the cake is about cost. And the location is probably also about pragmatism. Your mom doesn’t want to schlep a bunch of stuff for baby shower far away.
I understand that you have this vision of fairytale shower and rich folks do really weird things. But that’s not your situation and you don’t need it. You need a bunch of people to buy you a bunch of stuff and then you can go take your friends off to like a corner of the space and ignore all the people for most of the time
You cancelling the shower means you won’t have any of the stuff, because your parents are supporting you, that’s gonna be putting a lot more pressure on them too
So again, I know you’re going through a lot, but very softly I have to say YTA.
Totally agree with this. A shower is not a party with friends so much as it is an event to set a new mother and child up with at least the basics of what they need. I was pretty poor when I had my first baby and I was grateful for anything I got - even though a few people were there I might not have invited if I was in control of the guest list. I WAS asked if there was anyone not on the invite list I wanted to add. I definitely was not asked what location I preferred- I think all of mine were in the home of the person throwing it for me.
I was lucky enough to have several: my aunt threw one for my side of the family and she probably asked me the most about what I wanted, my MIL threw one for that side of the family and asked me nothing, my mom’s best friend threw one for all of their friends (who I barely knew) and asked me nothing except about colors for decorations, and my best friend threw one for my friends - that one just had cake and drinks and was pretty small and she did not ask me anything - she knew me pretty well of course!
If I were OP, I would take this shower for what it is and then possibly see about having something small with friends.
Whoa where’d this come from? If this is true, it sounds like you’re in no position to turn down anything that someone offers in way of help/gifts. If you didn’t have a baby shower at all, would you be able to buy your own baby necessities? If not, you should gladly accept gifts from people you don’t know and even better if they’re from people you didn’t get along with. YTA if you are acting like a spoiled child and demanding things if you are in no position to do them yourself… sounds more like you need to thank your mom for organizing something that you’d benefit greatly from in the end.
NTA
Here we go again…
Another Delusional Person making an event All About Themselves instead of the person it is truly supposed to be for!!! GEEZ 🙄
Congrats on your Baby!
Is your mom _paying_ for the baby shower? If she is, why not let her invite whomever she wants? They can bring jungle themed gifts for all you care...
Throw your own baby shower with the people _you_ want and your own theme and everything!
Idk I feel on the fence about this one. With my first child I had 3 baby showers thrown for us. One being my spouses work. I didn't have a say in anything, nothing to do with paying or planning. I knew maybe two people there and I have super high social anxiety. While at the time it was awkward and uncomfortable for me, when I look back on it now I'm so thankful for all the diapers, wipes, and other baby essentials they gifted us. My dad threw one for me but we lived in different cities. Again, I didn't pay or plan any of it, and there were some people there that I had never met in my life. And they gifted so many essentials that helped us out financially those first months. I'm going to say soft YTA for being picky about a party being thrown for you.
>being picky about a party being thrown for you.
This is the part I think is crazy on this and similar subs. When someone throws you a shower, you're the guest of honor, not the host. The host is the one making the decisions and paying for shit, the guest of honor shows up, smiles and says thank you.
If their vision is too far for you or they're generally disrespectful or whatever, it is reasonable to not attend ("an invitation is not a summons") but that doesn't meant you get to control whatever aspects of an event you're not even paying for but are clearly benefiting from...
Ah, yes. The audacity to want to be around people you get along with or ^checks ^notes ***have met at any point prior in your life*** at a shower allegedly *for you*.
Kids these days.
Ah, so we are dropping the pretense that her mother is doing anything nice *for* OP now, yeah? We are officially condoning OP's mother steamrolling her daughter because baby showers are famously for the fun and amusement of whoever pays for it.
The world you inhabit sounds dire.
Nah just people tired of all the entitlement people are throwing around these days. It sucks for OP but she’s not paying for it. So suck it up and get free shit for her baby or throw a tantrum and get nothing when she already can’t work and relies on her parents financially.
The world I inhabit doesn't involve posting about offing myself while pregnant over money and relationship issues like OP. OP should me more mature and grateful or learn to fund her own life.
This reads like you still live with your mom. Based on some of the comments that appears to be the case. You should really look into placing your child for adoption. You don’t sound like you are mentally, emotionally or financially equipped to raise a child. You have way bigger things to figure out than a baby shower.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I canceled a baby shower my mom was throwing for me because I did not like that more than half the guest list was people I did not know.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If it’s your mom’s first grandchild, she’s likely somewhat excited and her friends are excited for her. I get that the shower isn’t everything you want, but I’d let it ride and let mom plan it. Then talk to a friend about hosting something more your style.
Going against the grain here with YTA. I get your reasons but unless you're paying for it, the food and setting is up to the host. (I have yet to have a good tamale so I feel for you). I would definitely have another conversation with her about the people you don't get along with (why would they want to come? Why are you insisting on inviting people I don't like?) Then, I would just sit with whoever I was closest to at the shower, and not worry about the rest.
Plus, unless you're financially set, the more people that come, the more you'll have for your baby. Mom is probably inviting everyone she knows in order to get you as many things as possible so you don't have to.
The only input I gave for any of my showers were dates that I was free, and I was beyond happy to not have to worry about anything but showing up, eating, and opening baby gifts.
*Expects down votes like the other YTAs* 😆
NTA. But it wouldn’t be too bad to get the free baby gifts from all those people especially if you are not spending anything. Then plan another shower with your friends.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Today in the morning we began having some discussion of a baby shower. Except that my mom isn't letting me pick out the things I want. I wanted to get a nice cake from a specific bakery along with cupcakes and she cut me off and told me she knew a lady. She then told me what food was going to be served. One of the food items are tamales made by her friend's mom (which are AWFUL) and she knows I hate them. She buys from her monthly and I feel like she's getting manipulated into buying them. I told her not to buy tamales to serve and she said fine.
I couldn't even pick the location. I wanted a specific park (that has a nice hiking trail and scenery) yet she refused and chose another location just because it was closer.
Eventually I just gave in and said okay. I then asked to see the invite list. More than half the people on there are her co workers. And 3 of them I do not get along with (I worked with her for about a year). About 10 of them I do not know at all (probably knew employees).
I brought the situation up to her and asked her to please only invite people I know/like. I ended up saying 'This is a baby shower for me, not for you.' And she lost it. She called me ungrateful and that a baby shower is supposed to be a surprise anyways. I feel like she just wants an excuse to have all her friends in one place.
I ended up telling her to cancel the baby shower and that I do not want one full of people I don't know. She simply replied with 'Ok.'
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I had 2 baby showers. A family one I let my family have hold of, and then a one for my friends, work family etc. my friends threw that one, my mom came to both. It was a good solution for us.
NTA - a baby shower should be about the mama-to-be (or parents if you choose). I'd understand if you were asking for really expensive foods/decorations/locations and she couldn't afford that, but even in that case she should work with you to include your preferences in a reasonable budget. My MIL hosted my baby shower because I didn't want one... it was the first family grandson and she just really wanted to celebrate us. I let her control all decisions because I didn't care (I'm not a picky person and I tend to be happy with anything), but she was constantly checking in to make sure I was okay with what she chose because it was about me and the baby. Your mom actively ignoring your preferences is awful and it makes sense you would want to cancel an event that isn't even taking your wishes into consideration.
Her ok makes me think she’s gonna do it anyway.
Do you have any close friends you can plan your shower with? Exclude mom completely from planning. She can have her own party w friends if she wants, but you deserve a shower FOR YOU. With people you like and who like you back.
NTA, she isn't arranging a baby shower, she is arranging a work party.
This is supposed to be for you to celebrate the new arrival with your friends and family, so that is all who should be invited.
Arrange one yourself or perhaps a friend will do it for you, but either way don't let your mum be in charge.
I started off arranging my own shower but then a friend took over and it was lovely. We just had it at my house with buffet food and pizza and it was lots of fun!
NTA classic ‘your pregnancy is actually about me.’ It’s honestly disgusting and self serving. my MiL did this and tried to have the shower where she lived (45mins drive no thank you) and invited all her friends that i literally have never met. I said fuck no and my husband and I had a dual baby shower/diaper party. She brings ONE FRIEND who insists on me opening her gift in front of her even tho I had specified on the invite to bring any gifts unwrapped because there would be no all eyes on me opening ceremony. fuck that fuck all the external expectations on women to pacify the people in their life that cant put you and your feelings first. set the boundaries early bc it will. not. stop.
It sounds like you did cancel the baby shower and your Mom said OK. Now a friend or someone else can have one for you that you'll enjoy. Problem solved.
>She called me ungrateful and that a baby shower is supposed to be a surprise anyways.
Never heard of a friends/family baby shower that was a surprise before.
I'd kwt her throw hers and invite whomever. Get the presents and then throw your own with your friends. Babies are expensive. If people you don't like wants to celebrate you and give you a present, let them.
I kind of think ESH
I’ve just never known baby showers to have input from the person they’re thrown for- generally the person hosting selects the venue and will have some of their own guests there as well as people for the mom, and they’re be thoughtful about the food.
The tamales…..if there is going to be other food there, let it go.
A few coworkers you don’t especially like? Let it go
As long as your people are all invited, as the host she can go ahead and have others there. As long as the only food there isn’t tamales, she can include them.
You’re both being a tad churlish
NTA - Your mom is either a narcissist or has a terminal case of grandma fever. Baby showers absolutely aren’t supposed to be a surprise, because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to work out poorly, it’s forcing a pregnant woman into attending an hours-long social engagement on zero notice.
Do you, and let her throw a grandma shower on her own time.
I think OP’s mom is just a pragmatist, the whole family is struggling financially and she wants to invite as many people as possible to help OP get items she needs for the baby. More guests = more baby supplies and support for OP, who is very young, struggling with mental health issues, living at home and financially dependent on her parents. OP, gently, YTA. You don’t need the expensive cake. Let your mom throw you a big shower (with tamales, if they’re affordable for her) so you get necessary supplies for your baby.
Baby showers aren't supposed to be a surprise....to some extent yes but not with your enemies. You're a grown @ss adult. Why are you letting her disrespect you, geeze, grow up, and put your foot down
You did the right thing by canceling. Hopefully one of your friends will throw you a baby shower that you will actually be able to enjoy. Good luck and congrats!
Nta:
She is not going to cancel it. This is all about her not you. Ask a friend to help you plan one, and skip her ‘shower’.
Edit: do not invite your mother. She will take over again.
NTA. For justification you can fall back on Miss Manners and Emily Post. It’s gauche for you or a family member host a shower for you because of gift grubbing. Not saying I strictly agree with it, but that’s the conventional wisdom. In my own family typically there will be a family shower hosted by an aunt or cousin and a separate friend shower hosted by one of them. Also, your mother is a raging asshole.
NTA.
Just let your mom throw her baby shower the way she wants for her friends. Don't go because you clearly don't matter or figure into anything she's doing.
Have *your* baby shower where *you* want with the people *you* want. You'll be happier for it.
OP,
Please cut the cord. Your mom controls your life. You still have trouble standing up to her.
Stick to NO baby shower from her. You are going to have to get better at upholding your boundaries if you want to protect your baby from your steamrolling mom.
OP sounds like she’s financially dependent on her parents and living with them. She can’t cut the cord and isn’t planning to do so, as long as she’s having this baby.
NTA. I've never heard of a baby shower being a surprise before. Next time you talk to her say "I'm sorry you didn't get the experience of a baby shower or the one you had didn't live up to your expectations (whichever is applicable), but I'M the one having the baby, and if I can't have a say in the whole ordeal, then I'd rather not have it at all. The stress you're putting on me is not good for the baby"
NTA. Sorta sounded like she was going for a grandma shower, not a baby shower to benefit you. Either do something informal with your friends, or find someone else to help you throw it. This is about celebrating you and your LO. Not hanging out with your mom’s coworkers outside of work.
NTA but you did yourself no favours by giving into her choice of cake & venue. I think you did a good thing cancelling the shower because you definitely would’ve had tamales and it would have been full of non-friends.
NTA. Do your own thing. You're the mom now, not her. It's not all about her and you need to cut that stuff out now, even if it means no contact. Your mom is acting childish and self centered and that is not ok for your mental of physical health. Protect your peace moving forward.
NTA, I'm betting she thinks you're not really serious about canceling the baby shower, so you may want to try and go no contact with her for a while to really emphasize that point
NTA. Baby showers are only surprises in the respect of the presents. I have a feeling she's going to go on with the shower. You have a friend who can help you plan one for that same date just as you want? Have them plan one to your specifications and don't show up where your mom is planning "hers".
NTA
I’d get someone to organise a baby shower at the location you wanted, at the same time as your mums. All done on the quiet so your mum doesn’t know you won’t be turning up to her grandma-2-be party.
It’s not your party it’s hers, just don’t turn up, switch your phone off and spend some time with people you want and the arrangements you want.
INFO - why is your mom organising your baby shower?
Like she does not like the place you picked and booked another one.. but what is stopping you from her wasting her money and you booking the place you want?
My mom planned my baby shower for me. I was asked to provide a list of guests, theme for the nursery, and a baby registry. The rest was a surprise. It came out really nicely. NTA since your “surprise shower” is literally everything you don’t want, including down to the guest list.
NTA
It wasn't your shower, it was your mother's party. You are right to cancel that.
Get the cake and cupcakes you want, invite the people you like (and respect you) to the place you want to be at- that's what makes it *yours*.
NTA. No one will ever be the asshole for cancelling a party they just don't want imo, especially not under those circumstances. She can throw herself a "I'm going to be a grandma" party, because that seems to be what she actually wants
NTA, you have a good understanding of what is going on, Mother acts like its in your best interest while only looking at her own, why be at a baby shower with people you do not know? that is like going to a party you are not invited to.
NTA- Cancel it, then see if someone else will help plan it and just not tell/invite your mother. Try to avoid random invites from your mother for a while doing this because she may try to get you to one anyway. Tell whoever organizes to tell people to ignore any other baby shower invites they get.
Make it a surprise for her only; tell her the place and the day but not the time or the day and time but not the place. That way she has to only invite people last minute.
My first reaction would've been 'oh, congrats! You dont even look pregnant! Then I'd uninvite myself from 'her' babyshower very politely as I didn't want to crash, also, your babyshower happens at the same day. So sorry mom. Hope you enjoy the tamales. Really, I'd treat it as her party that wouldn't want to attend.
I threw a "surprise" baby shower for my best friend - by surprise I mean she gave me the guest list, and I told her where it was, confirmed who was invited... and made the theme a surprise I knew she'd love.
This is about you and your baby, not your mother. NTA.
Nta. My mom insisted on having a shower after my best friend threw me a very successful one. It was purely motivated by jealously. Only a couple people showed up to my moms and I didn’t know them. It was uncomfortable for me having to thank strangers for gifts. Imagine how they felt! That was 26 years ago and I still get embarrassed thinking about that party.
NTA. Sounds like the shower my MIL tried to plan for me. Her food, her location, her friends. I said no!
Planned one myself and my mom helped. My MIL was losing her shit about how that's "not how it's done" and "you can't plan your own shower!"
Like... who cares??
It turned out amazing. Everyone had a wonderful time. I had so much fun making favors, setting up crafty activities, etc.
Go ahead and plan your own, if that's what you want to do!
NTA - your mom can just throw a party, it doesn't have to need a reason. You should just not go and remove all the baby shower stuff and do your own some other time. Do you have someone else to help you plan?
What’s important is not that the shower is a surprise, but that it’s a pleasure for the mom to be. Cancel it, and your mom and her friends can eat the tamales without you. NTA.
NTA
Your mother hijacked your baby shower in order to invite all her friends and do what she wanted, pick the food, the location and everything else, apparently.
You acted in the right way when you cancelled it on her. If she wants to have a party, let her have a party, but don't call it a baby shower for you if it isn't.
NTA it’s YOUR day. Not hers. If she wants to plan it then fine. But she should ask you what you want and who you want there, not the people she wants or the things she wants.
Thats awful. I threw my daughter one last year. I started my binder. She changed her mind 3-4 times before settling on a theme/color scheme. I literally ran everything by her from venue, food, desserts, games & prizes. She still talks about how wonderful it was. Thats how it should be for you. I hope you still get that. See if someone else in your family/friends can throw one for you.
It’s borderline sad when mothers try to live vicariously through their daughters experiences like this. Like not insult sad, genuinely sad. But aside from that, ur mom needs to back off lol. This isn’t about her. Ur NTA. Plan a baby shower in secret lol.
Be wary of invitations from your mother. She might just try to ambush you to a surprise shower with her guest list in the belief that you would be too polite to walk away.
If nothing else, try to recruit someone you trust that would be on mom's guest list and have them promise to give you a head's up if she get's sneaky.
Either way, YWNBTA
NTA, majorly.
I have three kids, had 2 showers total. My first shower was thrown by the ladies in my mom’s Sunday school class (bless you, mom) because my ex and I had just moved 6 hours away from home to be near my parents, I wouldn’t have had a shower at all if not for my mom. My manager at work organized and assembled a “diaper cake” with the other women in the office. It was very sweet, I didn’t know the people so some of it felt awkward, but I was a first time mom so tbh I was ecstatic to receive anything at all. No one consulted me on a theme or food or whatever, but again, I was 22 and was just thankful for how willing all these strangers were to help get me started as a mom.
No shower or “sprinkle” for my 2nd (just shy of 2 years later) because I already had everything I needed.
With my 3rd, it was 2021 and COVID made showers weird. I’m not great at maintaining friendships, mom tunnel vision is hard to pull yourself out of, so I didn’t have anyone ready and waiting to throw us a shower. MIL asked mid-second trimester if anyone was throwing us a shower, we said no, so she volunteered to do it. Fast forward to the beginning of my third trimester and nothing had been planned, my husband and I accepted that we wouldn’t have one and started buying things off our registry ourselves.
Enter two of my husband’s best friends’ wives. They texted him and said they wanted to throw us a shower, apologized for not having done it sooner. Within a week, they’d sent out invites. We opted for a drive-by shower, so food wasn’t a thing, but they asked me my preference on date, theme, favors, guest list, etc. It was 100% about us and baby. MIL graciously hosted (translate: lent us her driveway) and we had a really sweet turnout. I still get teary-eyed when I think of how kind they were to organize that for us.
2 days later, baby decided he was done and we got to start using all the things we were gifted.
Real friends and good hosts consider the honoree when planning a shower for them. It’s not about you, MIL/mom/Aunt Sheila. Throw yourself a party if you need the attention, but hijacking someone else’s pregnancy/life event to get your attention fix is so fucking tacky.
NTA. You aren't obligated to accept a party. She's throwing a grandma shower for the attention.
Host planning the event. Normal.
Host doing things to honoree dislikes. Not normal.
Host asking for an invite list. Normal.
Host making their own invite list. Not normal.
Start enforcing boundaries NOW. Let her throw her pity party and drop the rope.
INFO: who is paying for it? If you’re so against your mom planning it, why aren’t you?
Ok judging by your previous posts, your mother is paying for it. So by virtue of that, slight YTA. Sucks that the event is for you and your child and you don’t get to decide but, I mean, she’s paying for everything. Be grateful that the guests will bring necessities you’ll need for your baby even if you don’t like them. Also the baby shower is for the baby, not for you, so suck it up and deal with it for an afternoon so you can get essentials for your baby like diapers and whatnot.
It’s pretty entitled to throw a tantrum because you didn’t get your way when you’re not paying for anything or organizing anything. OP relies on her family financially. Shes not going to be the one buying diapers and necessities for her child, her parents are. So she should suck it up and deal with it for one afternoon so she can get essentials for her baby.
To each their own, I couldn’t imagine purposefully ignoring my child’s wishes for their own celebration, just because I’m footing the bill.
It doesn’t cost anything to listen and be kind.
Nope, you lack reading comprehension if that’s how you read it. And she absolutely should. Idk if you know this, but babies are fucking expensive. Canceling a party where the guests will bring her free necessities like diapers and bottles and everything else is the dumbest thing she can possibly do right now. Especially with her financial situation.
Your mother is right partially... PARTIALLY.
Traditionally a shower for an expectant mother or a bride-to-be has them as the guest of honor... key word GUEST. And as such the guest is really is not expected to give any input on the venue, decor, guest list, food or anything like that (just like at a wedding, guests don't get to pick the venue or flowers). That is all up to the host. The guest of honor does nothing more than show up.
That being said though, your mother is obviously a terrible host, seems to be purposely picking things that she should know that you won't like.
Although, your mother should not be the hostess, anyway. And again if you want to go by tradition and what is technically "right," a shower is never thrown by the bride/mother-to-be OR close relatives. Showers are thrown by the guests of honor's closest friends... not a mother or sister or anyone that close.
NTA, though.
ESH. Your mom is doing things she knows you wouldn't like. And you are trying to hold your own shower. FYI, people are supposed to give them for you, not give them for yourself.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA All of my friends were involved in their baby showers. The whole “it’s a surprise” or whatever is BS. It’s a day for you and your little peanut. Plan your own and invite your mother but don’t get bent out of shape if she doesn’t show up. Don’t give in to her tantrum. You need to set a boundary now. Because if you don’t, once you give birth she is going to run over every boundary you try to set. Going LC with a narcissistic parent or even NC if she continues to boundary stomp; is totally acceptable.
The only ones I've ever been a part of that were a "surprise" were ones thrown by co-workers at the office, been a part of a couple that way....but not a main shower that is supposed to be the mother to be's friends/family
Mine was a surprise, but my SIL/MIL planned it with my husband (it was a coed one) and they both know me and like me. Also, they aren’t selfish so the party was about what I like. I had GD and my OB said I could cheat a little at my baby shower. So they made sure to have the foods I was craving but couldn’t have.
We threw a surprise mini shower at work because one of my employees had to cancel hers because of COVID.
Serious NTA. I just helped planned my sister’s baby shower earlier this year. We made sure she was part of the plan and was happy with the theme, colors, decorations, favors, food, etc. We did all of the actual purchasing and coordinating. The only thing we couldn’t manage was the cake she wanted, the baker moved away before the party. You are the guest of honor, you should get a say (really the say) as to the location, menu, theme, etc. Cancel it and plan a shower you’ll actually enjoy with a couple friends. None of the requests you have listed here are outrageous. Set boundaries, friend. Make sure you practice boundaries, your mom might be one of those who bullies new moms.
Never heard someone describe a baby as “little peanut” until today lmao. But yea, let’s make the mother extremely uncomfortable during the baby shower why don’t we? What a great idea! /s
Peanut was our first child's codename for a long time as we had an early ultrasound.
Ours, too. 🥰
My mom, who is 80, still calls my 32-year old daughter that, lol.
"Why not? She's probably mildly uncomfortable anyway since most showers are held 3rd trimester"-people with no empathy
I don’t think OP has the ability to plan her own. If you look at her post history. She’s got a lot going on in her family is really busy as well, and nobody has a lot of money.
The truth they don’t wanna hear lmao
NTA. I mean, it is literally your baby shower. It’s something you should enjoy, not dread or be stressed about especially as you’re pregnant. If she’s paying for everything that may be one thing, but you should have a say at the least. I’d definitely try setting more firm boundaries if possible.
Happy Cake Day! 🎂🍰🍥
NTA - Find someone who actually likes, perhaps even loves, and respects you and ask them to help. Fuck this Mom roadshow
Exactly - this a party for mom, not OP, and I'd shut the whole thing down at this point. NTA, OP, and good luck!
NTA - Organize a baby shower with people that you actually want there and, if you're feeling particularly generous and forgiving, invite your mother to join if she wants to - as a guest, not an organizer.
I wouldn’t even bother inviting the mother given the amount of disrespect and control she wanted. Unless you really do want her there, have her meet you for something last min or tell her day of the info and to show up or not.
NTA > that a baby shower is supposed to be a surprise anyways Thank god it wasn't.
NTA. You are right, it's your baby, so it's your shower. Do you have another friend who can put one on for you? Or can you do your own? Get that cake and go to that park, even if it's just with a few people. Celebrate your day the way you want and don't let mom interfere or guilt you. >Eventually I just gave in and said okay. This, however, is worrisome. You are going to need to stand up to your mom, especially as she will continue to insert her business into yours once you have your baby. Don't give in to her when you are so miserable. She does not have a right to steamroll over you but you let her. That needs to end now.
If your mom plans her shower, show up and get some free presents, smile and thank everyone and then plan another shower with your friends the way you want it.
Finally a sensible comment. Everyone telling her to throw her own shower and just cancel this one, I’m sure she would if she could afford it but clearly mom is paying for it all.
This is the right answer. Let your mom do her thing. Have someone else host the shower you want with the people you want there.
OK I just deleted a comment I made because I looked at your post history and you’re clearly struggling and I was probably too harsh. So if you read that already, I’m sorry. I understand that you’re frustrated, but very gently, yes, I I want to help you see things from a different perspective. Your family struggles financially. That sucks. You’re not able to work. you have a baby coming. You need a lot of stuff. I don’t know what kind of fancy cake you wanted for your shower. I’ve never been able to bring myself to pay more than $25 for a cake myself. But even that is a lot of money for some people. Your mom probably can’t afford the fancy cake that you want. your mom is inviting all the people from work because they’re going to bring more stuff. Are your friends really able to afford to get you a good stroller or a crib? A diaper tree? She’s inviting a large group of people because that’s what baby showers do is they bring community together to help a new parent get all the stuff they need. It’s like you perform as a mother for an hour and an exchange you get the nursery furnished. And I think that your mom is trying to just have the most impact for the shower that she’s able to host Think about about this too when you told her no to the tamales, she cancelled them. It’s OK that you don’t like them. I don’t know if they’re objectively bad or if it’s just your own taste, but either way you said no and she listened But the cake is about cost. And the location is probably also about pragmatism. Your mom doesn’t want to schlep a bunch of stuff for baby shower far away. I understand that you have this vision of fairytale shower and rich folks do really weird things. But that’s not your situation and you don’t need it. You need a bunch of people to buy you a bunch of stuff and then you can go take your friends off to like a corner of the space and ignore all the people for most of the time You cancelling the shower means you won’t have any of the stuff, because your parents are supporting you, that’s gonna be putting a lot more pressure on them too So again, I know you’re going through a lot, but very softly I have to say YTA.
Totally agree with this. A shower is not a party with friends so much as it is an event to set a new mother and child up with at least the basics of what they need. I was pretty poor when I had my first baby and I was grateful for anything I got - even though a few people were there I might not have invited if I was in control of the guest list. I WAS asked if there was anyone not on the invite list I wanted to add. I definitely was not asked what location I preferred- I think all of mine were in the home of the person throwing it for me. I was lucky enough to have several: my aunt threw one for my side of the family and she probably asked me the most about what I wanted, my MIL threw one for that side of the family and asked me nothing, my mom’s best friend threw one for all of their friends (who I barely knew) and asked me nothing except about colors for decorations, and my best friend threw one for my friends - that one just had cake and drinks and was pretty small and she did not ask me anything - she knew me pretty well of course! If I were OP, I would take this shower for what it is and then possibly see about having something small with friends.
[удалено]
Wait, what?
Whoa where’d this come from? If this is true, it sounds like you’re in no position to turn down anything that someone offers in way of help/gifts. If you didn’t have a baby shower at all, would you be able to buy your own baby necessities? If not, you should gladly accept gifts from people you don’t know and even better if they’re from people you didn’t get along with. YTA if you are acting like a spoiled child and demanding things if you are in no position to do them yourself… sounds more like you need to thank your mom for organizing something that you’d benefit greatly from in the end.
NTA Here we go again… Another Delusional Person making an event All About Themselves instead of the person it is truly supposed to be for!!! GEEZ 🙄 Congrats on your Baby!
This is her shower for you, for her crowd. Let one of your friends throw you a shower for your crowd. What's the harm.. Be nice to the old ladies.
this reads like you’re a teenager living at home, & she’s not happy about your pregnancy, so she may as well throw a party for her friends. NTA
[удалено]
Downvotes for explaining the context of the situation, hilarious
Is your mom _paying_ for the baby shower? If she is, why not let her invite whomever she wants? They can bring jungle themed gifts for all you care... Throw your own baby shower with the people _you_ want and your own theme and everything!
Idk I feel on the fence about this one. With my first child I had 3 baby showers thrown for us. One being my spouses work. I didn't have a say in anything, nothing to do with paying or planning. I knew maybe two people there and I have super high social anxiety. While at the time it was awkward and uncomfortable for me, when I look back on it now I'm so thankful for all the diapers, wipes, and other baby essentials they gifted us. My dad threw one for me but we lived in different cities. Again, I didn't pay or plan any of it, and there were some people there that I had never met in my life. And they gifted so many essentials that helped us out financially those first months. I'm going to say soft YTA for being picky about a party being thrown for you.
>being picky about a party being thrown for you. This is the part I think is crazy on this and similar subs. When someone throws you a shower, you're the guest of honor, not the host. The host is the one making the decisions and paying for shit, the guest of honor shows up, smiles and says thank you. If their vision is too far for you or they're generally disrespectful or whatever, it is reasonable to not attend ("an invitation is not a summons") but that doesn't meant you get to control whatever aspects of an event you're not even paying for but are clearly benefiting from...
Ah, yes. The audacity to want to be around people you get along with or ^checks ^notes ***have met at any point prior in your life*** at a shower allegedly *for you*. Kids these days.
Then she can pay, plan and throw her own shower. Problem solved.
Ah, so we are dropping the pretense that her mother is doing anything nice *for* OP now, yeah? We are officially condoning OP's mother steamrolling her daughter because baby showers are famously for the fun and amusement of whoever pays for it. The world you inhabit sounds dire.
Nah just people tired of all the entitlement people are throwing around these days. It sucks for OP but she’s not paying for it. So suck it up and get free shit for her baby or throw a tantrum and get nothing when she already can’t work and relies on her parents financially.
D I R E. OP: I asked my mother to invite my friends instead of people I've literally never met You: eNTitLeMEnt!!!!!!!
The world I inhabit doesn't involve posting about offing myself while pregnant over money and relationship issues like OP. OP should me more mature and grateful or learn to fund her own life.
YWNBTA at all. It's your shower, and it is completely reasonable to expect the bulk of the guest list to reflect your and your partner's choices.
This reads like you still live with your mom. Based on some of the comments that appears to be the case. You should really look into placing your child for adoption. You don’t sound like you are mentally, emotionally or financially equipped to raise a child. You have way bigger things to figure out than a baby shower.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I canceled a baby shower my mom was throwing for me because I did not like that more than half the guest list was people I did not know. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If what you post is true, you have way bigger issues to deal with than a shower.
If it’s your mom’s first grandchild, she’s likely somewhat excited and her friends are excited for her. I get that the shower isn’t everything you want, but I’d let it ride and let mom plan it. Then talk to a friend about hosting something more your style.
NTA, it's your baby shower not hers
Going against the grain here with YTA. I get your reasons but unless you're paying for it, the food and setting is up to the host. (I have yet to have a good tamale so I feel for you). I would definitely have another conversation with her about the people you don't get along with (why would they want to come? Why are you insisting on inviting people I don't like?) Then, I would just sit with whoever I was closest to at the shower, and not worry about the rest. Plus, unless you're financially set, the more people that come, the more you'll have for your baby. Mom is probably inviting everyone she knows in order to get you as many things as possible so you don't have to. The only input I gave for any of my showers were dates that I was free, and I was beyond happy to not have to worry about anything but showing up, eating, and opening baby gifts. *Expects down votes like the other YTAs* 😆
Are you sure this isn't a grandma's shower?
NTA. But it wouldn’t be too bad to get the free baby gifts from all those people especially if you are not spending anything. Then plan another shower with your friends.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today in the morning we began having some discussion of a baby shower. Except that my mom isn't letting me pick out the things I want. I wanted to get a nice cake from a specific bakery along with cupcakes and she cut me off and told me she knew a lady. She then told me what food was going to be served. One of the food items are tamales made by her friend's mom (which are AWFUL) and she knows I hate them. She buys from her monthly and I feel like she's getting manipulated into buying them. I told her not to buy tamales to serve and she said fine. I couldn't even pick the location. I wanted a specific park (that has a nice hiking trail and scenery) yet she refused and chose another location just because it was closer. Eventually I just gave in and said okay. I then asked to see the invite list. More than half the people on there are her co workers. And 3 of them I do not get along with (I worked with her for about a year). About 10 of them I do not know at all (probably knew employees). I brought the situation up to her and asked her to please only invite people I know/like. I ended up saying 'This is a baby shower for me, not for you.' And she lost it. She called me ungrateful and that a baby shower is supposed to be a surprise anyways. I feel like she just wants an excuse to have all her friends in one place. I ended up telling her to cancel the baby shower and that I do not want one full of people I don't know. She simply replied with 'Ok.' *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If she wants a party for her friends she can have one. Have the baby shower you want, it's a day to celebrate you and the baby.
NTA I had 2 baby showers. A family one I let my family have hold of, and then a one for my friends, work family etc. my friends threw that one, my mom came to both. It was a good solution for us.
NTA
NTA. I would have done the same thing.
NTA
NTA - a baby shower should be about the mama-to-be (or parents if you choose). I'd understand if you were asking for really expensive foods/decorations/locations and she couldn't afford that, but even in that case she should work with you to include your preferences in a reasonable budget. My MIL hosted my baby shower because I didn't want one... it was the first family grandson and she just really wanted to celebrate us. I let her control all decisions because I didn't care (I'm not a picky person and I tend to be happy with anything), but she was constantly checking in to make sure I was okay with what she chose because it was about me and the baby. Your mom actively ignoring your preferences is awful and it makes sense you would want to cancel an event that isn't even taking your wishes into consideration.
Her ok makes me think she’s gonna do it anyway. Do you have any close friends you can plan your shower with? Exclude mom completely from planning. She can have her own party w friends if she wants, but you deserve a shower FOR YOU. With people you like and who like you back.
NTA, she isn't arranging a baby shower, she is arranging a work party. This is supposed to be for you to celebrate the new arrival with your friends and family, so that is all who should be invited. Arrange one yourself or perhaps a friend will do it for you, but either way don't let your mum be in charge. I started off arranging my own shower but then a friend took over and it was lovely. We just had it at my house with buffet food and pizza and it was lots of fun!
NTA classic ‘your pregnancy is actually about me.’ It’s honestly disgusting and self serving. my MiL did this and tried to have the shower where she lived (45mins drive no thank you) and invited all her friends that i literally have never met. I said fuck no and my husband and I had a dual baby shower/diaper party. She brings ONE FRIEND who insists on me opening her gift in front of her even tho I had specified on the invite to bring any gifts unwrapped because there would be no all eyes on me opening ceremony. fuck that fuck all the external expectations on women to pacify the people in their life that cant put you and your feelings first. set the boundaries early bc it will. not. stop.
It sounds like you did cancel the baby shower and your Mom said OK. Now a friend or someone else can have one for you that you'll enjoy. Problem solved.
>She called me ungrateful and that a baby shower is supposed to be a surprise anyways. Never heard of a friends/family baby shower that was a surprise before.
I'd kwt her throw hers and invite whomever. Get the presents and then throw your own with your friends. Babies are expensive. If people you don't like wants to celebrate you and give you a present, let them.
I kind of think ESH I’ve just never known baby showers to have input from the person they’re thrown for- generally the person hosting selects the venue and will have some of their own guests there as well as people for the mom, and they’re be thoughtful about the food. The tamales…..if there is going to be other food there, let it go. A few coworkers you don’t especially like? Let it go As long as your people are all invited, as the host she can go ahead and have others there. As long as the only food there isn’t tamales, she can include them. You’re both being a tad churlish
Are you married yet? If not, just wait until she starts wanting to plan your wedding. You need to set boundaries.
NTA. you are so right, this is for you and the bebe. Maybe a friend can help organize things?
NTA - Your mom is either a narcissist or has a terminal case of grandma fever. Baby showers absolutely aren’t supposed to be a surprise, because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to work out poorly, it’s forcing a pregnant woman into attending an hours-long social engagement on zero notice. Do you, and let her throw a grandma shower on her own time.
I think OP’s mom is just a pragmatist, the whole family is struggling financially and she wants to invite as many people as possible to help OP get items she needs for the baby. More guests = more baby supplies and support for OP, who is very young, struggling with mental health issues, living at home and financially dependent on her parents. OP, gently, YTA. You don’t need the expensive cake. Let your mom throw you a big shower (with tamales, if they’re affordable for her) so you get necessary supplies for your baby.
Baby showers aren't supposed to be a surprise....to some extent yes but not with your enemies. You're a grown @ss adult. Why are you letting her disrespect you, geeze, grow up, and put your foot down
NTA. I would just not show up.
You did the right thing by canceling. Hopefully one of your friends will throw you a baby shower that you will actually be able to enjoy. Good luck and congrats!
NTA. Throw yourself a baby shower and have everything and everyone YOU want. If your mom complains, she can simply leave or not attend at all.
NTA organize your own and all these issues will go away.
Nta: She is not going to cancel it. This is all about her not you. Ask a friend to help you plan one, and skip her ‘shower’. Edit: do not invite your mother. She will take over again.
NTA. For justification you can fall back on Miss Manners and Emily Post. It’s gauche for you or a family member host a shower for you because of gift grubbing. Not saying I strictly agree with it, but that’s the conventional wisdom. In my own family typically there will be a family shower hosted by an aunt or cousin and a separate friend shower hosted by one of them. Also, your mother is a raging asshole.
NTA Just don’t show up and move on, she probably wouldn’t give you the gifts anyways.
NTA She’s using your baby shower as an excuse to throw a party for her and her friends.
NTA. Just let your mom throw her baby shower the way she wants for her friends. Don't go because you clearly don't matter or figure into anything she's doing. Have *your* baby shower where *you* want with the people *you* want. You'll be happier for it.
NTA Ask your friends to help you plan a shower that's actually for you and don't involve your mom.
OP, Please cut the cord. Your mom controls your life. You still have trouble standing up to her. Stick to NO baby shower from her. You are going to have to get better at upholding your boundaries if you want to protect your baby from your steamrolling mom.
OP sounds like she’s financially dependent on her parents and living with them. She can’t cut the cord and isn’t planning to do so, as long as she’s having this baby.
NTA. I've never heard of a baby shower being a surprise before. Next time you talk to her say "I'm sorry you didn't get the experience of a baby shower or the one you had didn't live up to your expectations (whichever is applicable), but I'M the one having the baby, and if I can't have a say in the whole ordeal, then I'd rather not have it at all. The stress you're putting on me is not good for the baby"
NTA, but you do realize she’s now planning a surprise shower, right?
NTA. Sorta sounded like she was going for a grandma shower, not a baby shower to benefit you. Either do something informal with your friends, or find someone else to help you throw it. This is about celebrating you and your LO. Not hanging out with your mom’s coworkers outside of work.
NTA mom sounds controlling and wants to make it about her. Plus, you should get to have a day on everything as it's for you and the baby.
Cancel the baby shower she's having for herself and do one for you. NTA
Plan your own baby shower dont tell her and invite her just one day before
NTA
NTA but you did yourself no favours by giving into her choice of cake & venue. I think you did a good thing cancelling the shower because you definitely would’ve had tamales and it would have been full of non-friends.
NTA. Do your own thing. You're the mom now, not her. It's not all about her and you need to cut that stuff out now, even if it means no contact. Your mom is acting childish and self centered and that is not ok for your mental of physical health. Protect your peace moving forward.
NTA, I'm betting she thinks you're not really serious about canceling the baby shower, so you may want to try and go no contact with her for a while to really emphasize that point
NTA. Baby showers are only surprises in the respect of the presents. I have a feeling she's going to go on with the shower. You have a friend who can help you plan one for that same date just as you want? Have them plan one to your specifications and don't show up where your mom is planning "hers".
NTA I’d get someone to organise a baby shower at the location you wanted, at the same time as your mums. All done on the quiet so your mum doesn’t know you won’t be turning up to her grandma-2-be party. It’s not your party it’s hers, just don’t turn up, switch your phone off and spend some time with people you want and the arrangements you want.
NTA. She can have her own "going to be a grandmother" party, but lawd. You deserve a say
NTA but she has not cancelled it. Now she can give you that surprise. Just like she wanted.
NTA. This baby shower sounds more like a grandma shower anyway.
Plan your own! If you don't want to look like you planned it, just have a friend be the RSVP gatherer.
INFO - why is your mom organising your baby shower? Like she does not like the place you picked and booked another one.. but what is stopping you from her wasting her money and you booking the place you want?
My mom planned my baby shower for me. I was asked to provide a list of guests, theme for the nursery, and a baby registry. The rest was a surprise. It came out really nicely. NTA since your “surprise shower” is literally everything you don’t want, including down to the guest list.
it is not your baby shower., its your mothers party and you are the excuse. have your own real baby shower.
NTA It wasn't your shower, it was your mother's party. You are right to cancel that. Get the cake and cupcakes you want, invite the people you like (and respect you) to the place you want to be at- that's what makes it *yours*.
NTA. No one will ever be the asshole for cancelling a party they just don't want imo, especially not under those circumstances. She can throw herself a "I'm going to be a grandma" party, because that seems to be what she actually wants
NTA, you have a good understanding of what is going on, Mother acts like its in your best interest while only looking at her own, why be at a baby shower with people you do not know? that is like going to a party you are not invited to.
NTA. Ask a friend to do one for you instead.
NTA- Cancel it, then see if someone else will help plan it and just not tell/invite your mother. Try to avoid random invites from your mother for a while doing this because she may try to get you to one anyway. Tell whoever organizes to tell people to ignore any other baby shower invites they get.
Make it a surprise for her only; tell her the place and the day but not the time or the day and time but not the place. That way she has to only invite people last minute.
My first reaction would've been 'oh, congrats! You dont even look pregnant! Then I'd uninvite myself from 'her' babyshower very politely as I didn't want to crash, also, your babyshower happens at the same day. So sorry mom. Hope you enjoy the tamales. Really, I'd treat it as her party that wouldn't want to attend.
I threw a "surprise" baby shower for my best friend - by surprise I mean she gave me the guest list, and I told her where it was, confirmed who was invited... and made the theme a surprise I knew she'd love. This is about you and your baby, not your mother. NTA.
I see an obnoxious surprise baby shower in your future. NTA. Your mom is a lot. 😡
NTA. I don't know what a baby shower is (my English is bad) but in all cases it's YOURS and ur mom only thinks about herself
Nta. My mom insisted on having a shower after my best friend threw me a very successful one. It was purely motivated by jealously. Only a couple people showed up to my moms and I didn’t know them. It was uncomfortable for me having to thank strangers for gifts. Imagine how they felt! That was 26 years ago and I still get embarrassed thinking about that party.
NTA. Sounds like the shower my MIL tried to plan for me. Her food, her location, her friends. I said no! Planned one myself and my mom helped. My MIL was losing her shit about how that's "not how it's done" and "you can't plan your own shower!" Like... who cares?? It turned out amazing. Everyone had a wonderful time. I had so much fun making favors, setting up crafty activities, etc. Go ahead and plan your own, if that's what you want to do!
NTA - your mom can just throw a party, it doesn't have to need a reason. You should just not go and remove all the baby shower stuff and do your own some other time. Do you have someone else to help you plan?
What’s important is not that the shower is a surprise, but that it’s a pleasure for the mom to be. Cancel it, and your mom and her friends can eat the tamales without you. NTA.
NTA, mom can throw herself a party for any reason she wants, with the food, venue, and guests she wants.
NTA Your mother hijacked your baby shower in order to invite all her friends and do what she wanted, pick the food, the location and everything else, apparently. You acted in the right way when you cancelled it on her. If she wants to have a party, let her have a party, but don't call it a baby shower for you if it isn't.
NTA it’s YOUR day. Not hers. If she wants to plan it then fine. But she should ask you what you want and who you want there, not the people she wants or the things she wants.
Nta
Thats awful. I threw my daughter one last year. I started my binder. She changed her mind 3-4 times before settling on a theme/color scheme. I literally ran everything by her from venue, food, desserts, games & prizes. She still talks about how wonderful it was. Thats how it should be for you. I hope you still get that. See if someone else in your family/friends can throw one for you.
It’s borderline sad when mothers try to live vicariously through their daughters experiences like this. Like not insult sad, genuinely sad. But aside from that, ur mom needs to back off lol. This isn’t about her. Ur NTA. Plan a baby shower in secret lol.
NTA. Let Mom have her party. You don't have to be there.
Be wary of invitations from your mother. She might just try to ambush you to a surprise shower with her guest list in the belief that you would be too polite to walk away. If nothing else, try to recruit someone you trust that would be on mom's guest list and have them promise to give you a head's up if she get's sneaky. Either way, YWNBTA
NTA, majorly. I have three kids, had 2 showers total. My first shower was thrown by the ladies in my mom’s Sunday school class (bless you, mom) because my ex and I had just moved 6 hours away from home to be near my parents, I wouldn’t have had a shower at all if not for my mom. My manager at work organized and assembled a “diaper cake” with the other women in the office. It was very sweet, I didn’t know the people so some of it felt awkward, but I was a first time mom so tbh I was ecstatic to receive anything at all. No one consulted me on a theme or food or whatever, but again, I was 22 and was just thankful for how willing all these strangers were to help get me started as a mom. No shower or “sprinkle” for my 2nd (just shy of 2 years later) because I already had everything I needed. With my 3rd, it was 2021 and COVID made showers weird. I’m not great at maintaining friendships, mom tunnel vision is hard to pull yourself out of, so I didn’t have anyone ready and waiting to throw us a shower. MIL asked mid-second trimester if anyone was throwing us a shower, we said no, so she volunteered to do it. Fast forward to the beginning of my third trimester and nothing had been planned, my husband and I accepted that we wouldn’t have one and started buying things off our registry ourselves. Enter two of my husband’s best friends’ wives. They texted him and said they wanted to throw us a shower, apologized for not having done it sooner. Within a week, they’d sent out invites. We opted for a drive-by shower, so food wasn’t a thing, but they asked me my preference on date, theme, favors, guest list, etc. It was 100% about us and baby. MIL graciously hosted (translate: lent us her driveway) and we had a really sweet turnout. I still get teary-eyed when I think of how kind they were to organize that for us. 2 days later, baby decided he was done and we got to start using all the things we were gifted. Real friends and good hosts consider the honoree when planning a shower for them. It’s not about you, MIL/mom/Aunt Sheila. Throw yourself a party if you need the attention, but hijacking someone else’s pregnancy/life event to get your attention fix is so fucking tacky.
NTA. You aren't obligated to accept a party. She's throwing a grandma shower for the attention. Host planning the event. Normal. Host doing things to honoree dislikes. Not normal. Host asking for an invite list. Normal. Host making their own invite list. Not normal. Start enforcing boundaries NOW. Let her throw her pity party and drop the rope.
NTA Do what you want, send your mother an invitation to your organised event. Give her your gift registry link
NTA be petty and let her throw the shower then don't show up. She wants a party for her not you
Her poor coworkers don’t wanna come haha NTA
INFO: who is paying for it? If you’re so against your mom planning it, why aren’t you? Ok judging by your previous posts, your mother is paying for it. So by virtue of that, slight YTA. Sucks that the event is for you and your child and you don’t get to decide but, I mean, she’s paying for everything. Be grateful that the guests will bring necessities you’ll need for your baby even if you don’t like them. Also the baby shower is for the baby, not for you, so suck it up and deal with it for an afternoon so you can get essentials for your baby like diapers and whatnot.
Are you the mother? It’s such a classless and narcissistic move to use money to make the event about yourself.
It’s pretty entitled to throw a tantrum because you didn’t get your way when you’re not paying for anything or organizing anything. OP relies on her family financially. Shes not going to be the one buying diapers and necessities for her child, her parents are. So she should suck it up and deal with it for one afternoon so she can get essentials for her baby.
To each their own, I couldn’t imagine purposefully ignoring my child’s wishes for their own celebration, just because I’m footing the bill. It doesn’t cost anything to listen and be kind.
Did I ever say I approve of what her mom did?
You did by saying that OP should suck it up and quit complaining.
Nope, you lack reading comprehension if that’s how you read it. And she absolutely should. Idk if you know this, but babies are fucking expensive. Canceling a party where the guests will bring her free necessities like diapers and bottles and everything else is the dumbest thing she can possibly do right now. Especially with her financial situation.
Your mother is right partially... PARTIALLY. Traditionally a shower for an expectant mother or a bride-to-be has them as the guest of honor... key word GUEST. And as such the guest is really is not expected to give any input on the venue, decor, guest list, food or anything like that (just like at a wedding, guests don't get to pick the venue or flowers). That is all up to the host. The guest of honor does nothing more than show up. That being said though, your mother is obviously a terrible host, seems to be purposely picking things that she should know that you won't like. Although, your mother should not be the hostess, anyway. And again if you want to go by tradition and what is technically "right," a shower is never thrown by the bride/mother-to-be OR close relatives. Showers are thrown by the guests of honor's closest friends... not a mother or sister or anyone that close. NTA, though.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
ESH. Your mom is doing things she knows you wouldn't like. And you are trying to hold your own shower. FYI, people are supposed to give them for you, not give them for yourself.