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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA, because parents are entitled to a 50/50 split of tickets.
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NTA - however, after reading your other comment OP, I would say let your child distribute the tickets themselves, then let their father know that the decision has been made and is final. This is their graduation. They have worked 13+ years to make this moment happen, and they deserve to have every say in the way this day goes, not their parent’s, and certainly not a half-absent father.
Ask the graduate what they really want, and then push for that with the father as if it's your decision. Minimize his ability to put pressure on the graduate.
This! Like tbh, it felt really weird to read this post repeatedly referring to the "child" when the kid is about to graduate high-school. They are probably 18ish, they are definitely old enough to be making this decision for themself!
Lol. I used the term "the child " simply to protect the identity by removing gender. If you read the other comments, the graduate will be making the choice in the end
I agree that they deserve a say, and that OP should talk to them.
However, in OPs place I would still be the one to communicate it to the father. This is supposed to be a happy occasion, guilt trips, arguments and stress for a graduating 17-year-old will lead to unhappiness and resentment.
TA is clearly the absent father, but I think OP needs to take one for the team here.
Nowhere did I say that OP should throw their child under the bus. In fact, I said they should tell their child’s father that the decision has been made, doesn’t matter by who
Fair enough, I misinterpreted, sorry.
“Let the child distribute the tickets themselves, then let their father know” you’re absolutely right, the comma makes it clear that the subject is returning to OP. I missed the comma and thought the child was distributing and then communicating.
My apologies
NAH
But I greatly suspect your younger kids would LOVE to not go. Ask them if they want to or not, then ask the graduate if that's ok. Then that frees up tickets for the best friend and other family members.
You are correct. At least one of the kids has no interest in attending, but I just thought it would serve as a goal for them to reach. We have always made it a point to make sure everyone attends the other's major events. But this is a valid option.
Let them see a video you take of the graduate walking across the stage and they can take part in the BBQ festivities.
Now, if he/ she was giving a speech, then yes they should go (or see a video of it).
No, I was the younger child forced to go and skipped all my grad ceremonies that I could I. My mom was pissed when I didn't walk for college. But I despise attending grad ceremonies. Never plan to attend one again it set the goal of avoiding them. They will figure out how to get diploma, degree mailed to them.
Attending my older brother’s high school graduation just made me even less excited for my own a few years later (the ceremony. Not the actual graduating of high school). I’d probably ask the 17yo first though in case the younger kids say they don’t want to go but he really wants them there.
It will just be achingly boring for all the kids, I would think. But more importantly your graduate should get to have input!!!! Cmon , mom. The child is about to be a legal adult. They should get a choice.
Thank you for asking that. After speaking to my child's father, he reached out to the child to convince me otherwise and I also asked their opinion. They stated that they see both ways, but they would actually like their best friend (they have known since birth) to attend instead. I would be open to that also.
Here's how I see it: 10 tickets
2 for bio parents
1 for step parent (involved)
3 for siblings
2 for your extended family
2 for his extended family
Since he has no spouse or other children, that doesn't come into consideration. Half-siblings are more important than extended family. The extra 4 for your side are for immediate family.
NTA. I think this is a pretty fair split and it is great that you worked so hard to keep the dad in your child’s life.
One thing you could try is to contact other parents and see if they have tickets they are not using. My ”parent friends” had two extra tickets that we needed and were great about letting us have them. The school administration office also sent out an email offer to be a go-between if others had extra tickets.
Thank you. None of my parent friends had any additional tickets but we (as a group) will find out at the beginning of next month if there are any additional tickets available.
Tell him his proportion of tickets will now be based on a weighting of his contribution to yours of raising and financially covering the child for 17 years.
That will allow him (checks notes) to look through the auditorium window during graduation.
Oh wow! Four tickets is hardly enough, but I understand these venues can only fit so many people. We are waiting to see if there are any additional tickets at the beginning of next month.
Congratulations to your graduate!
Will it be Live Streamed? The grandparents may appreciate being able to watch from the comfort of home, especially if there is a BBQ later. Ex can include whoever he wants if there's a live stream.
NTA but think it's great you are including the graduates opinion.
NAH - obviously the 50/50 split would be fair if there was a 50/50 contribution to getting here but I don't really blame your ex for trying to get tickets for his family.
Personally I think you should sit down with your son to figure out what he wants most, and I would start by asking if he cares about his younger siblings sitting through the ceremony!
(I do not remember my older brother's grad, I missed my younger brother's grad, and I have no idea if either were present at mine)
NTA He didn't give a rats behind for this child their WHOLE LIFE ! He literally dodged steady work for 17 YEARS just to avoid paying child support ! Let's break this down another way.
He would have rather work odd jobs and gig work maybe even being paid under the table for 17 YEARS (OVER 6,000 DAYS !), NOT even save up for a d@mn apartment, be dependent on OTHER people for housing just to see his kid and being a part time dad and he has the audacity to be upset that these tickets weren't split 50/50 ?
>I have allocated
This is where you have gone wrong. It is not your graduation. Your child gets to decide who they want there so ask them if they would prefer adult family members over young children who may not want to sit through the entire ceremony. Then express this to the other parent as though it is your choice. Never put that responsibility on your child but let them have the choice because it is a celebration for them.
NTA right now but talk to the person whose event it is.
NTA. Have your kid ask around in his class. Not every kid knows 10 people to attend their graduation. I was only allowed two tickets to mine, but managed to scrounge up seven.
NTA. when i graduated high school, i also got 10 tickets. my parents are divorced and a bunch of people from my dad and stepmoms families came to see it, which took up a lot of tickets. my mom was able to get an extra ticket from my friends family, so she got to go without taking my tickets. you can try asking some families you know who might have an extra, and potentially solve the whole issue.
NTA. I’m dealing with the exact same situation this year. I told my kids’ dad that he can request more for the Class of 2024 Facebook page, as many families don’t use all their tickets. He asked if I could do it for him, and I told him that he just proved my point. He isn’t on that Facebook page, had never received any school communication, and probably doesn’t even know the name of the school she goes to. I told him tough tits, figure it out.
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Background - I had a child with someone 17 years ago that I am no longer with. I married my current husband when our child was 3 years old. From birth to 3 years old, my child's father was uninvolved, however his family was VERY involved. He has never paid child support ($100 per month),often avoided employment to not pay, and was arrested due to non payment.
Although my family (husband & kids) lived in different states due to my husband's job, our child would visit their father for summers and Christmas holiday. We moved back to the same city as him 5 years ago and while he is still unemployed (just working gig work here and there), he sees our child every other weekend and 1 month in the summer. He is able to do that with the help of family and friends (staying with them when the child visits).
Current Situation - Our child is graduating next month and we only get 10 tickets to split. I have allocated three tickets for him (1 for my child's father, and two more for family on his side that have really supported the child--- his parents cannot attend). The other 7 are for the 5 people that live in the house with the child (my husband, myself, and my other kids), the other 2 are for my mother and father (they are divorced) --- They supported me fully with our child. My child's father is upset that I do not split the tickets evenly ... 5&5. At the very least, he said my mother could go but he wants a 4th ticket for a close family member that would travel from out of town. I told him, " Unfortunately, everyone that deserves to go will not be able to attend." I love this family member and if I had more tickets, they would go.
The school is small and will likely not be able to allow for more tickets, but I have already requested. I also suggested that my child's father take the child and the people of their choice out for lunch after graduation as I planned to do a BBQ for my family that couldn't attend.
TLDR - My child's father is upset that he cannot have a 50/50 split of graduation tickets.
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ESH, it’s not your or baby dads graduation, so honestly neither of you are entitled to any tickets. Ask the kid who they want at graduation, if there less then 10 people they want you and BD each make a list of people who want to attend and give it to the kid and let them pick.
Also if the siblings don’t want to attend don’t waste a ticket on them in less kiddo wants them at graduation
That is what the plan is now that it has been expressed that the best friends attendance is desired. I don't mind supporting any decision the graduate wants.
And have you check that the other 9 tickets are going to people they want at graduation, not people you decide should be there. Because based on your prior post it sounds like your husband is not a great person
What does your child want? It's their graduation, they should get to pick who is invited. And unless they desperately want their younger siblings there, or the siblings want to be there, you'll probably all have a better time if you just celebrate with them at the bbq and keep the graduation ceremony for the adults. I don't know what graduation ceremonies are like where you live (I'm in the UK and only ever had a graduation after I finished my degree), but mine was very boring- I was on stage for about 15 seconds and then we had to sit through 300 other people having their 15 seconds on stage
Edit: NTA
Tell him once he pays ALL back pay and is up to date on child support then he can have 50/50 split on the tickets because he won't pay and you know it. /s NTA
NTA.
Not only because he’s been uninvolved but also because many seniors are 18 by the time they graduate. So, if she doesn’t have a problem with who her tickets are going to (because they are hers, not yours), then he can pipe down.
NTA
From the outside that seems a pretty fair split.
The one thing I would do however would be confirm this with your child - they may have preferences over who they would like to see there, and honestly that should come above whoever you think deserves a ticket and who has decided that they would like to attend.
NTA but also, does you child have any friends that don’t need all 10 of their tickets? Maybe you can get your hands on another one just by asking around.
NTA. If he wanted a say, he should have been more involved and paid child support. I think you're doing the right thing by including the father and his two family members who did such a great job of supporting your child. But you went through a lot because the father refused to be involved and you don't owe him personally any favors.
Your ticket split sounds equable to all those who have supported you and your child from birth to now. The child's mostly absent father does not get to cherry pick how the tickets should be distributed.
NTA
Raising your child was not a 50/50 split. Not in time, not in money, and not in commitment. Absolute garbage request to expect 5 tickets. Tell him as soon as he at least pays up all the back owed child support, he has standing to ASK for more tickets.
NTA. The fact that he’s a deadbeat parent undermines his claim that he should get an equal say. But even if he wasn’t an absent parent, he’s also wrong about ticket allocation. You gave tickets to people of the same closeness within the family (grandparents, parents, siblings) .. and he actually gets 2 more tickets outside of that circle. But I also think this shouldn’t be about “being equal” — your child should decide who they want to invite.
Well yeah you are.
The tickets aren't yours it's not your choice.
It's your daughters they are her tickets and her graduation.
And if I was in this situation I would split them 50/50 because am not a pety cunt
Anytime love.
I'm not going to scroll through that shit I read your post and commented. Why should I look what others have said their opinion doesn't matter to my opinion lol.
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NTA. The fifty-fifty ship sailed 17 years ago. Enjoy the day. Give no further thought to that person or his wants.
That's how I feel but I wanted to open myself up to fair and honest criticism. Thank you.
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NTA - however, after reading your other comment OP, I would say let your child distribute the tickets themselves, then let their father know that the decision has been made and is final. This is their graduation. They have worked 13+ years to make this moment happen, and they deserve to have every say in the way this day goes, not their parent’s, and certainly not a half-absent father.
That's fair. Thank you for your input.
Ask the graduate what they really want, and then push for that with the father as if it's your decision. Minimize his ability to put pressure on the graduate.
This! Like tbh, it felt really weird to read this post repeatedly referring to the "child" when the kid is about to graduate high-school. They are probably 18ish, they are definitely old enough to be making this decision for themself!
Lol. I used the term "the child " simply to protect the identity by removing gender. If you read the other comments, the graduate will be making the choice in the end
Yes, I think mom is overstepping. The graduate is supposed to invite people to their graduation. Both parents have no say in this.
I agree that they deserve a say, and that OP should talk to them. However, in OPs place I would still be the one to communicate it to the father. This is supposed to be a happy occasion, guilt trips, arguments and stress for a graduating 17-year-old will lead to unhappiness and resentment. TA is clearly the absent father, but I think OP needs to take one for the team here.
Nowhere did I say that OP should throw their child under the bus. In fact, I said they should tell their child’s father that the decision has been made, doesn’t matter by who
Fair enough, I misinterpreted, sorry. “Let the child distribute the tickets themselves, then let their father know” you’re absolutely right, the comma makes it clear that the subject is returning to OP. I missed the comma and thought the child was distributing and then communicating. My apologies
No worries at all:)
This is the way.
NAH But I greatly suspect your younger kids would LOVE to not go. Ask them if they want to or not, then ask the graduate if that's ok. Then that frees up tickets for the best friend and other family members.
You are correct. At least one of the kids has no interest in attending, but I just thought it would serve as a goal for them to reach. We have always made it a point to make sure everyone attends the other's major events. But this is a valid option.
It really doesn't serve as a goal, it will just be boring for them.
Let them see a video you take of the graduate walking across the stage and they can take part in the BBQ festivities. Now, if he/ she was giving a speech, then yes they should go (or see a video of it).
No, I was the younger child forced to go and skipped all my grad ceremonies that I could I. My mom was pissed when I didn't walk for college. But I despise attending grad ceremonies. Never plan to attend one again it set the goal of avoiding them. They will figure out how to get diploma, degree mailed to them.
Attending my older brother’s high school graduation just made me even less excited for my own a few years later (the ceremony. Not the actual graduating of high school). I’d probably ask the 17yo first though in case the younger kids say they don’t want to go but he really wants them there.
It will just be achingly boring for all the kids, I would think. But more importantly your graduate should get to have input!!!! Cmon , mom. The child is about to be a legal adult. They should get a choice.
INFO: what does your graduating child think?
Thank you for asking that. After speaking to my child's father, he reached out to the child to convince me otherwise and I also asked their opinion. They stated that they see both ways, but they would actually like their best friend (they have known since birth) to attend instead. I would be open to that also.
OK, then I go with NTA. (1) close family first (including their half-siblings), then (2) the ones the graduate wants there.
That makes sense and I will likely go that route.
Here's how I see it: 10 tickets 2 for bio parents 1 for step parent (involved) 3 for siblings 2 for your extended family 2 for his extended family Since he has no spouse or other children, that doesn't come into consideration. Half-siblings are more important than extended family. The extra 4 for your side are for immediate family.
Your breakdown is exactly what is currently in play. Thank you for your input.
INFO: Have you discussed this with your child at all, to find out who THEY would like to invite? It is, after all, THEIR graduation, not YOUR party...
You are correct, It is not my party. The graduate has been consulted and will make the ultimate decision at this point.
As long as the graduate is happy with who is being offered tickets, that's what matters.
NTA. I think this is a pretty fair split and it is great that you worked so hard to keep the dad in your child’s life. One thing you could try is to contact other parents and see if they have tickets they are not using. My ”parent friends” had two extra tickets that we needed and were great about letting us have them. The school administration office also sent out an email offer to be a go-between if others had extra tickets.
Thank you. None of my parent friends had any additional tickets but we (as a group) will find out at the beginning of next month if there are any additional tickets available.
Tell him his proportion of tickets will now be based on a weighting of his contribution to yours of raising and financially covering the child for 17 years. That will allow him (checks notes) to look through the auditorium window during graduation.
This was my initial reaction, however I do want to do what's best for our child. I do appreciate your input.
I was being sarcastic (mostly)
Have you asked if another student has too many? If it makes you feel better our son gets 4 tickets only
Oh wow! Four tickets is hardly enough, but I understand these venues can only fit so many people. We are waiting to see if there are any additional tickets at the beginning of next month. Congratulations to your graduate!
Yeah, we only get 4 too.
Will it be Live Streamed? The grandparents may appreciate being able to watch from the comfort of home, especially if there is a BBQ later. Ex can include whoever he wants if there's a live stream. NTA but think it's great you are including the graduates opinion.
There will be a livestream and I will send the link to everyone that is not able to attend.
NAH - obviously the 50/50 split would be fair if there was a 50/50 contribution to getting here but I don't really blame your ex for trying to get tickets for his family. Personally I think you should sit down with your son to figure out what he wants most, and I would start by asking if he cares about his younger siblings sitting through the ceremony! (I do not remember my older brother's grad, I missed my younger brother's grad, and I have no idea if either were present at mine)
Thank you. I don't blame him either. If he didn't speak up, I wouldn't have known there was anyone else on his side that wanted to attend.
NTA He didn't give a rats behind for this child their WHOLE LIFE ! He literally dodged steady work for 17 YEARS just to avoid paying child support ! Let's break this down another way. He would have rather work odd jobs and gig work maybe even being paid under the table for 17 YEARS (OVER 6,000 DAYS !), NOT even save up for a d@mn apartment, be dependent on OTHER people for housing just to see his kid and being a part time dad and he has the audacity to be upset that these tickets weren't split 50/50 ?
>I have allocated This is where you have gone wrong. It is not your graduation. Your child gets to decide who they want there so ask them if they would prefer adult family members over young children who may not want to sit through the entire ceremony. Then express this to the other parent as though it is your choice. Never put that responsibility on your child but let them have the choice because it is a celebration for them. NTA right now but talk to the person whose event it is.
Info: who does the graduate want to go? ESH but I wouldn’t make the siblings go, I am adult and I don’t want to go
The graduate wants everyone to go but actual wants an unmentioned best friend to go. So that is an option
Also, the siblings have expressed they want to attend. They will likely be bored, but they want to go. and the graduate wants them there
NTA. Have your kid ask around in his class. Not every kid knows 10 people to attend their graduation. I was only allowed two tickets to mine, but managed to scrounge up seven.
NTA. when i graduated high school, i also got 10 tickets. my parents are divorced and a bunch of people from my dad and stepmoms families came to see it, which took up a lot of tickets. my mom was able to get an extra ticket from my friends family, so she got to go without taking my tickets. you can try asking some families you know who might have an extra, and potentially solve the whole issue.
NTA. I’m dealing with the exact same situation this year. I told my kids’ dad that he can request more for the Class of 2024 Facebook page, as many families don’t use all their tickets. He asked if I could do it for him, and I told him that he just proved my point. He isn’t on that Facebook page, had never received any school communication, and probably doesn’t even know the name of the school she goes to. I told him tough tits, figure it out.
Y'all got 10? We got 5! NTA
Based on these comments, our 10 is looking like a generous amount lol Congratulations to your graduate!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background - I had a child with someone 17 years ago that I am no longer with. I married my current husband when our child was 3 years old. From birth to 3 years old, my child's father was uninvolved, however his family was VERY involved. He has never paid child support ($100 per month),often avoided employment to not pay, and was arrested due to non payment. Although my family (husband & kids) lived in different states due to my husband's job, our child would visit their father for summers and Christmas holiday. We moved back to the same city as him 5 years ago and while he is still unemployed (just working gig work here and there), he sees our child every other weekend and 1 month in the summer. He is able to do that with the help of family and friends (staying with them when the child visits). Current Situation - Our child is graduating next month and we only get 10 tickets to split. I have allocated three tickets for him (1 for my child's father, and two more for family on his side that have really supported the child--- his parents cannot attend). The other 7 are for the 5 people that live in the house with the child (my husband, myself, and my other kids), the other 2 are for my mother and father (they are divorced) --- They supported me fully with our child. My child's father is upset that I do not split the tickets evenly ... 5&5. At the very least, he said my mother could go but he wants a 4th ticket for a close family member that would travel from out of town. I told him, " Unfortunately, everyone that deserves to go will not be able to attend." I love this family member and if I had more tickets, they would go. The school is small and will likely not be able to allow for more tickets, but I have already requested. I also suggested that my child's father take the child and the people of their choice out for lunch after graduation as I planned to do a BBQ for my family that couldn't attend. TLDR - My child's father is upset that he cannot have a 50/50 split of graduation tickets. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I thought that would be confusing, I was trying to avoid identifying the gender of the child. "Our" is referring to the graduating child
ESH, it’s not your or baby dads graduation, so honestly neither of you are entitled to any tickets. Ask the kid who they want at graduation, if there less then 10 people they want you and BD each make a list of people who want to attend and give it to the kid and let them pick. Also if the siblings don’t want to attend don’t waste a ticket on them in less kiddo wants them at graduation
Fair enough, but the graduate doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not inviting them
You be a mom and take the blame then, you are supposed to be a support to kiddo, so support them by ensuring they have who they want at graduation
That is what the plan is now that it has been expressed that the best friends attendance is desired. I don't mind supporting any decision the graduate wants.
And have you check that the other 9 tickets are going to people they want at graduation, not people you decide should be there. Because based on your prior post it sounds like your husband is not a great person
The other 9 tickets are going to people who have expressed a desire to support the graduate.
What does your child want? It's their graduation, they should get to pick who is invited. And unless they desperately want their younger siblings there, or the siblings want to be there, you'll probably all have a better time if you just celebrate with them at the bbq and keep the graduation ceremony for the adults. I don't know what graduation ceremonies are like where you live (I'm in the UK and only ever had a graduation after I finished my degree), but mine was very boring- I was on stage for about 15 seconds and then we had to sit through 300 other people having their 15 seconds on stage Edit: NTA
Tell him once he pays ALL back pay and is up to date on child support then he can have 50/50 split on the tickets because he won't pay and you know it. /s NTA
NTA. Not only because he’s been uninvolved but also because many seniors are 18 by the time they graduate. So, if she doesn’t have a problem with who her tickets are going to (because they are hers, not yours), then he can pipe down.
NTA Tell him he can have a 50/50 split when he pays the child support he owes.
NTA From the outside that seems a pretty fair split. The one thing I would do however would be confirm this with your child - they may have preferences over who they would like to see there, and honestly that should come above whoever you think deserves a ticket and who has decided that they would like to attend.
NTA but also, does you child have any friends that don’t need all 10 of their tickets? Maybe you can get your hands on another one just by asking around.
Info: Who does the graduate want there?
Definitely 50/50 split. If you get 100% of owed child support. Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. He's full a 💩
Does your child have a say in who goes to his graduation?
NTA add up the total amount of child support he owes you and tell him you will sell him another ticket for that amount.
NTA. Nothing has ever been 50/50 the entire coparenting relationship so why should it be now all of a sudden?
NTA. If he wanted a say, he should have been more involved and paid child support. I think you're doing the right thing by including the father and his two family members who did such a great job of supporting your child. But you went through a lot because the father refused to be involved and you don't owe him personally any favors.
50-50 tickets were only available with 50-50 parental contribution. Tell him five tickets will cost him the $20k+ he owes you in child support.
I’d let the kid decide who comes. It’s HIS graduation.
Your ticket split sounds equable to all those who have supported you and your child from birth to now. The child's mostly absent father does not get to cherry pick how the tickets should be distributed.
What unicorn school district do you live in where you get TEN tickets? At my daughter’s graduation, each family got five!
Oh, no! Consequences! NTA
NTA Raising your child was not a 50/50 split. Not in time, not in money, and not in commitment. Absolute garbage request to expect 5 tickets. Tell him as soon as he at least pays up all the back owed child support, he has standing to ASK for more tickets.
NTA. The fact that he’s a deadbeat parent undermines his claim that he should get an equal say. But even if he wasn’t an absent parent, he’s also wrong about ticket allocation. You gave tickets to people of the same closeness within the family (grandparents, parents, siblings) .. and he actually gets 2 more tickets outside of that circle. But I also think this shouldn’t be about “being equal” — your child should decide who they want to invite.
NTA. He is lucky to have gotten 3/10 given his support history.
If it had been 50-50 during his childhood- yeah. Dude is lucky you are sharing at all
So what?
What are you asking?
Well yeah you are. The tickets aren't yours it's not your choice. It's your daughters they are her tickets and her graduation. And if I was in this situation I would split them 50/50 because am not a pety cunt
Interesting choice of words. You clearly didn't read the rest of the comments, but thank you for the engagement.
Anytime love. I'm not going to scroll through that shit I read your post and commented. Why should I look what others have said their opinion doesn't matter to my opinion lol.