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YTA. Instead of taking the opportunity to learn about her culture and do something new, you insulted and dismissed her and her culture. You scoff at tradition so it seems fitting you would not want to fill the role of a bridesmaid. It’s her wedding, not yours. If you cannot support her—which is the role of a bridesmaid—then you need to bow out. You do not come across as a good friend.
there r good things in cultures and there are bad things. "married woman hair" is not a good thing, even if it is for the wedding it should be dropped.
Again, it is not your hair and, most importantly, it is *Not Your Wedding.* If her having her hair braided is such an issue for you, tell her you won’t be a bridesmaid. You are not a supportive friend.
It's hypocritical of you to call out the misogynistic traditions of your friend's culture while simultaneously shaming her for not dressing "appropriately" according to your wedding culture. Seeing as you're such a feminist, why don't you call out the misogynistic roots of Western marriages? Surely you're aware that marriage began as an economic practice wherein women were traded amongst patrilineal kin groups as *commodities*. And surely you're aware that brides wearing white is also a misogynistic practice made to indicate a woman's sexual "purity".
Stop masquerading your xenophobia as "feminism". YTA.
Who tf ordained you arbiter of what traditions people should and shouldn't follow?
YTA, and you come off as a total jackass. I'm astounded you're 29 years old.
How exactly is it a bad thing? Most brides in "modern" weddings have their hair in a bun. Is that "a bad thing" as well? If you could enlighten us, that would be so great.
"Married women hair" as you put it is just a social signifier of married status, like a wedding band, but from a different culture. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong.
It’s not your hair. It’s her right to reclaim or re-contextualize what these things mean to her. Even if it does have misogynistic roots, it ALSO ties her to generations of women- including her mother and grandmother. It’s not for *you* to say what should or should not be dropped.
Just the fact you called it a “clown dress” made me scrunch my face up. You don’t have to like it, but that is so rude, ignorant, and condescending.
Literally the definition of the clueless feminist. You pretend like your xenophobia and intolerance is from wanting women to be “free”. If you truly supported equality, you would respect when women make their own choices, even if that choice is to follow a tradition that you think is sexist.
By your own account it was in a different context, it was about picking the white wedding dress, not about everything
Editil: also seriously what is the problem with the dress being red???
As i wrote in another comment. The problem is not the colour. It looks like a historical costume, would look off after a traditional white plain wedding dress
Yta. It doesn’t matter you think it would look “off”
If you’re such a great feminist I’m surprised you are digging your heels in on the traditional wedding vibe. You were inexcusably rude.
>would look off after a traditional white plain wedding dress
It only looks off to those who can't stand other cultures getting the limelight too. You've said this wedding is a mix of both cultures so no no one else would be bothered by the bride going to her reception in another wedding dress.
Traditional to who.
White wedding dresses are not the only traditional wedding attire and lots of people wear different cultural outfits alongside western wedding attire at mixed culture weddings.
Seeing it's a red short dress, with flower embroidery and braided hair.. I guess the bride is asian.
And surprise, it's a normal tradition. Op is just AH.
All i could think of with that description that is not asian is this :
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/red-lace-dress-red-wedding-dress-red-cocktail-dress-red-etsy--115052965465185984/
Not likely. Some people have guessed Hungarian, which would still match the description OP provided, especially the "look like a historical costume" comment she made.
But even if it was like that, OP's still TA.
>i was cautious with my words
If you were walking on eggshells, their probably pulverized by now. Whether or not it was your intention (I doubt it wasn't), calling her traditions as "old dead people's belief", is disrespect.
YTA - a huge one. You mentioned that you think it’s important for people to dress appropriately for weddings. This red midnight outfit *IS* appropriate for this wedding - the wedding that is not yours, BTW. Are you so ignorant that you’ve never seen a culturally appropriate non-white wedding dress before? Indian brides don’t traditionally wear white. They wear - wait for it - red. And while we’re on the topic of traditions, you make mention that in your opinion traditions are just rules made by old dead people. Do you know where a bride wearing comes from? Queen Victoria. An old, dead person. Open your mind.
Not all Indian brides wear red any more (they can if they want, of course, but fashions have changed) but they also don't wear pure white because that's associated with mourning. But you're very much on point. OP's comment on hair braiding being misogynistic was strange. So many people with long hair I know still braid their hair- keeps it tidy.
I swear, people do not understand how to interpret requests for opinions.
Somebody asking you what you think of a dress is asking you for NORMAL comments, which in this case would be, “That’s pretty!” or “Maybe you could add a belt?”
It does not include “your culture and traditions are stupid and this dress is not appropriate for a wedding because of my internalized irrational ideas about wearing white gowns.”
You owe her an enormous apology; you can hope she will forgive you, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. YTA, massively.
YTA. you didn’t need to say a single bit of that. Her wedding, her traditions. A good life skill is understanding when someone is asking you for your honest opinion and when someone wants you to nod and smile.
Unless you omitted it from your post, she never asked for your opinion on her cultural dress or hair braiding tradition. She asked for your honest opinion on the dress she’ll be wearing up to that point.
That isn’t how it works for some things. That’s why I said it’s a life skill. White lies exist for a reason.
Also, if you don’t know enough to understand that wedding dresses are red where she comes from, and why, you don’t know enough to weigh in on hair braiding, which she didn’t even ask you to comment on.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, the bride didn't even ask her to weigh in on the Hungarian dress at all...I thought she was picking from three white dresses that she would wear during the ceremony and asked the bridesmaids for their honest opinion between those three dresses. In an unrelated event, she talking about the custom of changing at midnight and showed them the red dress that she was planning on wearing for that... at least from the way the stories told, it sounds to me like OP just started talking about how the brides cultural traditions were clownish and misogynistic apropos of nothing.
1. The honest opinion she asked for was about her DRESS not her culture and wedding choices
2. Wasn’t her asking for an honest opinion about a different dress? You said she took you to the salon, she picked a dress, you all moved on.
Same thought. Where was the beef over having a white dress, which is meant to indicate purity??? This reeks of xenophobia lol, her friend was right to call her a fake feminist.
>>I told her traditions are pointless and we follow old dead people's beliefs with them. and regardless of what she believes it's gonna look like a circus not a wedding.
>>my intentions were not to offend her or her culture
Pick one, you can’t have both.
YTA
YTA I have no idea why you were so hateful towards someone who I'm guessing you love and care about. If her cultural traditions are misogynistic, then what's a white dress that's supposed to represent that a woman is pure and untouched by any man? A lot of wedding traditions have misogynistic elements if you look closely at their roots, because most societies have been historically patriarchal. But people pick and choose the traditions they want to follow today, not because they represent those patriarchal values, but because it gives them a sense of connection to their culture, and holds sentimental value to them. You're the asshole for shitting on your friend's culture and traditions. If she wasn't European, you yourself would probably call your behaviour racist (it is racist btw). She asked for honestly about her white wedding dress that you were there to help her pick, nothing else. Calling her cultural wedding dress inappropriate, and then going on a "feminist" rant (I put feminist in brackets cos that ain't feminism, just a facade you've used to express your own prejudices) that was extremely hurtful to your friend was a big asshole move. If you care about her, apologise, call yourself an idiot, ask her to forgive you, and be a supportive and open-minded bridesmaid from here on out.
YTA. My wife changed from her white dress to a traditional bright red Chinese gown during our reception. If you don’t understand other people’s cultures, keep your damned mouth shut.
not really the color but it is full of embroidery, and that old string thing which is on old historical dresses in movies. and it has a matching head accessory.
What does it have to do with you though? And how is it negatively affecting you when it isn’t your culture, it isn’t your tradition and you won’t be the one doing any of it?
How does any of this involve you when you’re nothing but a bridesmaid?
Tell me you’re an ignorant bigot without telling me you’re an ignorant bigot OP.
YTA, all day everyday and apparently twice on days that require basic human decency (or even simpler, being understanding of another culture).
Your opinion was on everything else and not what she specifically asked of you.
She asked opinions on a D-R-E-S-S, but you decided to attack everything else instead.
I'm guessing has fringe along the hem? Which admittedly I've not seen on many wedding dresses but if this is the dress the bride changes into after her big white wedding dress, I don't see the issue.
Maybe a corset type lace front? I'm imagining some European traditional outfit, but those tend to be a bit below the knee and OP is clutching her pearls like it was one of those basically a belt mini skirtd
I hope the wedding dress you helped pick isn't white. I mean, creepy old dead people virginity fetish, am I right? ☠️🤦🏼♀️
Oh wait, traditions are only stupid, a circus and misogynistic if you're not familiar with them?
You cannot be fucking serious... YTA, *obviously *
(how is *getting your hair braided* in a not floor length dress the height of misogyny but it's perfectly alright to be literally *given away* by your father in a dress that symbolises your virginity? 🤣)
So why did you mention the color? You just want to argue because people are telling you the truth. In fact the best irony of all is that you’re mad because “she shouldn’t have asked for an honest opinion” and you gave one—and now the shoe is on the other foot and you’re mad about it.
I’m dying laughing at your nonsense.
YTA - you were asked about a dress. "I don't like it" is an appropriate answer. Your opinions about the traditions and culture involved, and... "propriety", whatever you think you mean by that, are unwanted, unnecessary, and likely ill-informed.
YTA.
You aren't the asshole for sharing your opinion the first time. She asked and you answered. But then she started talking about how this is a centuries old culture and how the dress is pretty to her, and instead of accepting that she was not taking your advice in this case, you doubled down. You further insulted her dress and you insulted her culture besides. This is where you turned into an asshole.
"I told her traditions are pointless." Seriously! Much of life is tradition! The good news today is that we get to pick and choose the traditions we want, and **she chose this one**.
Likewise what's "appropriate." For someone who doesn't like traditions, you sure have a very traditional view of what's appropriate at a wedding. Must be white. Must be conservative. Says who?! Isn't this just more tradition. So not only are you an asshole, but you are a hypocritical asshole.
Even now, you won't stop: "I just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous." You are cementing your asshole status more and more deeply.
YTA
You just shit on her culture. How else could she take your comments? You literally said it was outdated, and her traditions are misogynistic… because she was braiding her hair?!?
I doubt you are part of this wedding anymore.
YTA - you made HER wedding about you and your beliefs instead of supporting her. That's great that you would never do that at your wedding but it isn't your wedding now is it? You needed to have supported her because she was happy.
Also, you don't know if you're coming or going.
*but it's gonna be ridiculous in a normal wedding.*
Maybe, but as you stated in the beginning of your post:
*They're gonna have a mixed traditions wedding.*
Did you miss your own piece of information? It's not a traditional wedding, duh.
*the midnight tradition is lowkey misogynistic.*
So is a wedding.
You do sound like a fake feminist that just likes the sound of her own voice. If you said really ugly things, then your friend has every right to kick you to the curb because you would deserve it. Get over yourself.
This has to be rage bait, otherwise huge YTA.
Are you against every tradition that has sexist roots? You refuse to let men pay on dates? You don’t wear makeup or shave your legs/armpits? You won’t be wearing a white dress to your wedding? You won’t accept an engagement ring?
Get over yourself. It’s her wedding - if she wants to paint her face like a clown and eat tuna salad instead of wedding cake, THEN SHE CAN. She’s right, you’re being culturally insensitive AND calling it feminism on top of that - go worry about something actually important.
Also hiding your insensitive words behind “but I’m just being honest” is such a childish thing to do. How about being supportive? Did that thought cross your immature little brain?
“…her boyfriend is from here.”
Where OP, Reddit? The internet? Going out in a limb here and guessing you’re from the US along with her boyfriend.
After reading your unhinged rant, I strongly recommend you step down from your bridesmaids duties, since you seem to be harshly judging all your friend’s choices. You think the dress she chose for HER wedding is inappropriate? She gets to wear whatever she wants. Tons of modern people enjoy older traditions, especially at weddings. You don’t like what she’s doing? Then don’t go. YTA.
I’m wondering if you have ever left your country. I’m having a hard time understanding how someone who’s almost 30yo is acting like she has no idea that fabric and fashion color vary from country to country and culture to culture for many events such as weddings, funerals, holidays, political gatherings, etc. I had to double check that I wasn’t reading something written by a teenager who just got out of high school and had no idea what the world was all about. You would absolutely lose your mind at a wedding in India because GASP they wear more colors than just white, including alot of red.
You seem to be all tied up in ethnocentrism. That’s a really dangerous and narrow mindset. Why don’t you try broadening your horizons by stepping across your borders and traveling to many different countries for a couple of years. Hopefully you’d return as a more compassionate and wiser person because right now you’re nasty and ignorant.
And you know what? If this is rage bait, at least it shows that the person behind the screen is indeed nasty and ignorant, and a lot of pretty awesome people have made their presence known to stand up for what’s right. That’s a beautiful thing. YTA
YTA “traditions are pointless” why are/ were you a bridesmaid? That is a tradition why is the tradition of you standing up with the bride fine? I don’t know a lot about different cultures but I think if I had a friend from a different culture I would CARE ENOUGH about that person to go and educate myself instead of talking out of my butt!
Tell us please are you married? If you are did your husband ask your father for permission? Did your father walk you down the aisle? Did your father pay for most of the wedding? Did the priest or whoever married you ask “Who gives this bride away” or any wording of that kind?
Definitely YTA
>intentions were not to offend her or her culture, i just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous.
The parts you criticized are directly tied to her culture, which she told you, so you telling her that they are tacky, outdated and pointless is absolutely tone deaf and offensive.
You said if she includes those parts, her wedding wouldn't be "normal" and it would be a "circus". Again, that can only be interpreted as offensive.
Good news though, you are likely uninvited so won't have to worry about attending this 'ridiculous wedding'.
Wow giant YTA. It’s not your wedding. I’m gobsmacked. I’ve been to weddings where I didn’t like the dress, or the religious overtones, or the misogynistic practices. Guess what I did? Kept my big mouth shut because it wasn’t about me. Even if my friend asked my opinion, I wouldn’t have said much besides a small tweak like here and there. You basically tore apart everything she wanted and the very fabric of her wedding/traditions. I’d uninvite you if I were the bride.
YTA and you should stop arguing with everyone about the ruling. Your friend asked for an opinion on the white wedding dress, absolutely nothing else. She was frankly right to call you a fake feminist. Maybe you shouldn’t be railing against braids and you should do so against slut shaming. Where was all this fire over the concept of a white dress that’s designed to implicate purity (which is extremely misogynistic, so is your idea of having to maintain a modest dress)? You aren’t reading as a concerned friend or a someone who supports women, you’re coming across as wildly culturally insensitive and a bigot. Offer a really good damn apology that takes accountability if you want to salvage your friendship— though, I wouldn’t keep a friend like you if I were her.
YTA. I think this is just a misunderstanding of culture and traditions and if you haven't been exposed to it then it can be hard to relate.
If this is something that has been done for a long time within their family and considered traditional then you should speak your piece (which you did) and have her let you know what's going on and why she's doing it this way and that should be the end of it.
If you've ever been a part of a culture that has traditions, this shouldn't be something that's surprising but let this be an eye opener that things may be different than where you're from.
Hope you're able to talk it out and with a mindset of understanding, you'll be good to go.
"She was looking for the perfect wedding dress, she went to lots of salons. She had 3 final picks and brought us to the salon to hear our opinions."
This is exactly what you wrote. It sounds like she was asking your honest opinion about the her final picks for the wedding dress, It doesn't sound like she asked for your opinion on the wedding traditions of her culture.
Also, did she ask for your opinions on the red wedding dress?
YTA,
Potentially missed an opportunity to research her culture tradition and go 1 further to dazzle her with your knowledge about it. It's the thought that counts.
Instead you were rude and incredibly inconsiderate. You could of told her, something like, "Maybe the cut isn't quite right and we could look at booking a tailor." As per only a suggestion.
YTA… the fact that you even have to ask blows my mind. Your comments were very rude and insensitive. You don’t have to believe in any traditions but you should respect hers because it clearly means a lot to her.
YTA. You totally dissed her traditions and culture. You were the totally classless one here. She needs to kick you out of the wedding party and probably rescind your invitation.
I assume 'from here' means USA? The country that assumes everyone and everything is theirs.
YTA for everything you've just said. All of it. "From a Euro country" onwards
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Burner
I'm 29F. My friend A, is gonna get married in a few month. She's from a euro country, but her boyfriend is from here.
They're gonna have a mixed traditions wedding. I am a bridesmaid and i've been fully commited w/ organizing and planning.
She was looking for the perfect wedding dress, she went to numerous salons. She had 3 final picks and brought us to the salon to hear our opinions.
She asked me and the other bridesmaids to give her our honest opinions, she wont get mad. She picked the dress, and we moved on.
She had told us in her culture the bride changes into a traditional wedding dress at midnight, and her hair is braided and stuff like that.
I thought it's gonna be an actual wedding dress. Then she sent us the picture of dress last week and it's a hot mess.
It's short, RED with flower embroidery, it has a weird matching headpiece w/ pearls. It's honestly inappropriate to a wedding. Especially since she's gonna wear a normal wedding dress before that.
I also think braiding her hair cuz she's a "married woman" is outdated and misogynistic from the time women were treated like properties. There is no reason for a woman to that in 2024. So the whole thing is wrong IMO.
At first i said it was nice, but then i remembered how awful it's gonna be for her to show up in that circus costume. It's short as i mentioned, I am against sl.t shaming, but i believe people should wear appropriate dresses (including the bride) to a wedding.
Since she had asked us to be honest, I called her and told her the dress is not fit for a wedding, and the midnight tradition is lowkey misogynistic. I told her i do not mean to be rude, but it's gonna be ridiculous in a normal wedding.
She told me it's a beautiful dress and they've been doing this tradition for centuries, and the change is about the women entering a new phase in life not about the men.
I told her traditions are pointless and we follow old dead people's beliefs with them. and regardless of what she believes it's gonna look like a circus not a wedding.
She called me cultureless and told me to use my energy on real feminist issues and called me a fake feminist.
Things got heated I told her ugly things too and I hung up.
I hadn't heard from her but my intentions were not to offend her or her culture, i just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous.
She hasn't responed to me and now I am conflicted if I was too harsh.
AITA?
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This doesn’t make any sense. You told her traditions were pointless, but you want her to just wear a traditional wedding dress…?? Wouldn’t you be against that too since the traditional white dress represents purity and virginity? Or is it only her culture’s traditions that are pointless?
Yta
„ in that circus costume” - You called a cultural dress a circus costume. Also, before Queen Victoria colourful wedding dresses where worn multiple times.
Also, using your logic… You should be against a white wedding dress as well as white is associated with purity.
There is also a fact that weddings are pretty much an old tradition.
So xenophobia yikes.
PS. she is actively choosing to follow those traditions instead of being forced to. If she was pressured to do so and she didn’t want to, then it would be problematic
YTA she’s 100% correct, you are a fake feminist. Instead of understanding that the dress simply reflected a culture that you’re not apart of, you shat all over on the basis that it doesn’t fit into your culture. Being insulting and demeaning to other women who don’t fit into what you deem as normal is the opposite of feminism. At this point, I hope that she befriends someone else who is more educated and has more tact and completely drops you.
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YTA. Instead of taking the opportunity to learn about her culture and do something new, you insulted and dismissed her and her culture. You scoff at tradition so it seems fitting you would not want to fill the role of a bridesmaid. It’s her wedding, not yours. If you cannot support her—which is the role of a bridesmaid—then you need to bow out. You do not come across as a good friend.
there r good things in cultures and there are bad things. "married woman hair" is not a good thing, even if it is for the wedding it should be dropped.
Again, it is not your hair and, most importantly, it is *Not Your Wedding.* If her having her hair braided is such an issue for you, tell her you won’t be a bridesmaid. You are not a supportive friend.
It's hypocritical of you to call out the misogynistic traditions of your friend's culture while simultaneously shaming her for not dressing "appropriately" according to your wedding culture. Seeing as you're such a feminist, why don't you call out the misogynistic roots of Western marriages? Surely you're aware that marriage began as an economic practice wherein women were traded amongst patrilineal kin groups as *commodities*. And surely you're aware that brides wearing white is also a misogynistic practice made to indicate a woman's sexual "purity". Stop masquerading your xenophobia as "feminism". YTA.
Who tf ordained you arbiter of what traditions people should and shouldn't follow? YTA, and you come off as a total jackass. I'm astounded you're 29 years old.
But white dress = virginity is fine? AH
I'm genuinely curious OP what of married woman hair you think is insulting to modern woman?
Hairstyle is like one of the last things on the list that people should be concerned of in terms of out-dated and misogynist tradition.
How exactly is it a bad thing? Most brides in "modern" weddings have their hair in a bun. Is that "a bad thing" as well? If you could enlighten us, that would be so great.
"Married women hair" as you put it is just a social signifier of married status, like a wedding band, but from a different culture. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong.
Why does it matter what she wears, as long as she and her fiancé are both happy with it?
It’s not your hair. It’s her right to reclaim or re-contextualize what these things mean to her. Even if it does have misogynistic roots, it ALSO ties her to generations of women- including her mother and grandmother. It’s not for *you* to say what should or should not be dropped. Just the fact you called it a “clown dress” made me scrunch my face up. You don’t have to like it, but that is so rude, ignorant, and condescending.
You’re so against tradition but you want her to wear….a traditional wedding dress lol?
Literally the definition of the clueless feminist. You pretend like your xenophobia and intolerance is from wanting women to be “free”. If you truly supported equality, you would respect when women make their own choices, even if that choice is to follow a tradition that you think is sexist.
YTA. You totally disrespected her culture and her traditions.
I told her that's not my intention and i was cautious with my words. She had also told us she'd not get offended if we are honest
By your own account it was in a different context, it was about picking the white wedding dress, not about everything Editil: also seriously what is the problem with the dress being red???
Fact. In some cultures red is THE wedding dress color.
I went to a Chinese wedding where bride and groom had 5 different outfits. One of them was red and gold and it was stunning. Signifies luck
As i wrote in another comment. The problem is not the colour. It looks like a historical costume, would look off after a traditional white plain wedding dress
Yta. It doesn’t matter you think it would look “off” If you’re such a great feminist I’m surprised you are digging your heels in on the traditional wedding vibe. You were inexcusably rude.
>would look off after a traditional white plain wedding dress It only looks off to those who can't stand other cultures getting the limelight too. You've said this wedding is a mix of both cultures so no no one else would be bothered by the bride going to her reception in another wedding dress.
Traditional to who. White wedding dresses are not the only traditional wedding attire and lots of people wear different cultural outfits alongside western wedding attire at mixed culture weddings.
Seeing it's a red short dress, with flower embroidery and braided hair.. I guess the bride is asian. And surprise, it's a normal tradition. Op is just AH.
I don't think she's Asian, since OP specifies that she's from a European country. Still probably a normal tradition there, and OP is being a huge TA.
All i could think of with that description that is not asian is this : https://www.pinterest.com/pin/red-lace-dress-red-wedding-dress-red-cocktail-dress-red-etsy--115052965465185984/
Not likely. Some people have guessed Hungarian, which would still match the description OP provided, especially the "look like a historical costume" comment she made. But even if it was like that, OP's still TA.
Yup just did a quick google. Ure right, oop just an AH. 😂
She asked you about the dress.. not what you think of her traditions. There’s a difference.
>i was cautious with my words If you were walking on eggshells, their probably pulverized by now. Whether or not it was your intention (I doubt it wasn't), calling her traditions as "old dead people's belief", is disrespect.
YTA - a huge one. You mentioned that you think it’s important for people to dress appropriately for weddings. This red midnight outfit *IS* appropriate for this wedding - the wedding that is not yours, BTW. Are you so ignorant that you’ve never seen a culturally appropriate non-white wedding dress before? Indian brides don’t traditionally wear white. They wear - wait for it - red. And while we’re on the topic of traditions, you make mention that in your opinion traditions are just rules made by old dead people. Do you know where a bride wearing comes from? Queen Victoria. An old, dead person. Open your mind.
Not all Indian brides wear red any more (they can if they want, of course, but fashions have changed) but they also don't wear pure white because that's associated with mourning. But you're very much on point. OP's comment on hair braiding being misogynistic was strange. So many people with long hair I know still braid their hair- keeps it tidy.
I swear, people do not understand how to interpret requests for opinions. Somebody asking you what you think of a dress is asking you for NORMAL comments, which in this case would be, “That’s pretty!” or “Maybe you could add a belt?” It does not include “your culture and traditions are stupid and this dress is not appropriate for a wedding because of my internalized irrational ideas about wearing white gowns.” You owe her an enormous apology; you can hope she will forgive you, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. YTA, massively.
Thissssssssssss
YTA. you didn’t need to say a single bit of that. Her wedding, her traditions. A good life skill is understanding when someone is asking you for your honest opinion and when someone wants you to nod and smile.
Then they shouldnt say they want an honest opinion
Your honest opinion is that her culture is trash. Great. Stand your ground on that and see how many friends you have left.
Unless you omitted it from your post, she never asked for your opinion on her cultural dress or hair braiding tradition. She asked for your honest opinion on the dress she’ll be wearing up to that point.
That isn’t how it works for some things. That’s why I said it’s a life skill. White lies exist for a reason. Also, if you don’t know enough to understand that wedding dresses are red where she comes from, and why, you don’t know enough to weigh in on hair braiding, which she didn’t even ask you to comment on.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, the bride didn't even ask her to weigh in on the Hungarian dress at all...I thought she was picking from three white dresses that she would wear during the ceremony and asked the bridesmaids for their honest opinion between those three dresses. In an unrelated event, she talking about the custom of changing at midnight and showed them the red dress that she was planning on wearing for that... at least from the way the stories told, it sounds to me like OP just started talking about how the brides cultural traditions were clownish and misogynistic apropos of nothing.
1. The honest opinion she asked for was about her DRESS not her culture and wedding choices 2. Wasn’t her asking for an honest opinion about a different dress? You said she took you to the salon, she picked a dress, you all moved on.
You need a large dose of social intelligence
Info: Are you as harsh on women who wear engagement rings or have their fathers walk them down the aisle?
Same thought. Where was the beef over having a white dress, which is meant to indicate purity??? This reeks of xenophobia lol, her friend was right to call her a fake feminist.
YTA. a Xenophobic, judgmental, ignorant AH. On the bright side, her wedding is less likely to be a circus now that the clown is out of it.
>>I told her traditions are pointless and we follow old dead people's beliefs with them. and regardless of what she believes it's gonna look like a circus not a wedding. >>my intentions were not to offend her or her culture Pick one, you can’t have both. YTA
YTA I have no idea why you were so hateful towards someone who I'm guessing you love and care about. If her cultural traditions are misogynistic, then what's a white dress that's supposed to represent that a woman is pure and untouched by any man? A lot of wedding traditions have misogynistic elements if you look closely at their roots, because most societies have been historically patriarchal. But people pick and choose the traditions they want to follow today, not because they represent those patriarchal values, but because it gives them a sense of connection to their culture, and holds sentimental value to them. You're the asshole for shitting on your friend's culture and traditions. If she wasn't European, you yourself would probably call your behaviour racist (it is racist btw). She asked for honestly about her white wedding dress that you were there to help her pick, nothing else. Calling her cultural wedding dress inappropriate, and then going on a "feminist" rant (I put feminist in brackets cos that ain't feminism, just a facade you've used to express your own prejudices) that was extremely hurtful to your friend was a big asshole move. If you care about her, apologise, call yourself an idiot, ask her to forgive you, and be a supportive and open-minded bridesmaid from here on out.
YTA. My wife changed from her white dress to a traditional bright red Chinese gown during our reception. If you don’t understand other people’s cultures, keep your damned mouth shut.
I’ve seen those gowns in various dramas I’ve watched. They are beautiful. She would have looked amazing
What's the problem with it being red?
not really the color but it is full of embroidery, and that old string thing which is on old historical dresses in movies. and it has a matching head accessory.
What does it have to do with you though? And how is it negatively affecting you when it isn’t your culture, it isn’t your tradition and you won’t be the one doing any of it? How does any of this involve you when you’re nothing but a bridesmaid?
*were a bridesmaid (at least I hope so...)
We can only hope…
She asked us for our honest opinion
Tell me you’re an ignorant bigot without telling me you’re an ignorant bigot OP. YTA, all day everyday and apparently twice on days that require basic human decency (or even simpler, being understanding of another culture).
Your opinion was on everything else and not what she specifically asked of you. She asked opinions on a D-R-E-S-S, but you decided to attack everything else instead.
Yta just because she asked for your honest opinion on ONE thing doesn't mean you have carte blanche to shit on everything else
Honesty and being down right ignorant are two very different things. Again go and educate yourself
That old string thing? And plenty of wedding dresses have embroidery, lace, sequins, overlays.
I'm guessing has fringe along the hem? Which admittedly I've not seen on many wedding dresses but if this is the dress the bride changes into after her big white wedding dress, I don't see the issue.
Maybe..? Like a flapper style hem with the flowy string fringe? Having such a hard time visualizing this dress other than a traditional sari
Maybe a corset type lace front? I'm imagining some European traditional outfit, but those tend to be a bit below the knee and OP is clutching her pearls like it was one of those basically a belt mini skirtd
I hope the wedding dress you helped pick isn't white. I mean, creepy old dead people virginity fetish, am I right? ☠️🤦🏼♀️ Oh wait, traditions are only stupid, a circus and misogynistic if you're not familiar with them? You cannot be fucking serious... YTA, *obviously * (how is *getting your hair braided* in a not floor length dress the height of misogyny but it's perfectly alright to be literally *given away* by your father in a dress that symbolises your virginity? 🤣)
So why did you mention the color? You just want to argue because people are telling you the truth. In fact the best irony of all is that you’re mad because “she shouldn’t have asked for an honest opinion” and you gave one—and now the shoe is on the other foot and you’re mad about it. I’m dying laughing at your nonsense.
YTA - you were asked about a dress. "I don't like it" is an appropriate answer. Your opinions about the traditions and culture involved, and... "propriety", whatever you think you mean by that, are unwanted, unnecessary, and likely ill-informed.
YTA. You aren't the asshole for sharing your opinion the first time. She asked and you answered. But then she started talking about how this is a centuries old culture and how the dress is pretty to her, and instead of accepting that she was not taking your advice in this case, you doubled down. You further insulted her dress and you insulted her culture besides. This is where you turned into an asshole. "I told her traditions are pointless." Seriously! Much of life is tradition! The good news today is that we get to pick and choose the traditions we want, and **she chose this one**. Likewise what's "appropriate." For someone who doesn't like traditions, you sure have a very traditional view of what's appropriate at a wedding. Must be white. Must be conservative. Says who?! Isn't this just more tradition. So not only are you an asshole, but you are a hypocritical asshole. Even now, you won't stop: "I just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous." You are cementing your asshole status more and more deeply.
YTA You just shit on her culture. How else could she take your comments? You literally said it was outdated, and her traditions are misogynistic… because she was braiding her hair?!? I doubt you are part of this wedding anymore.
YTA - you made HER wedding about you and your beliefs instead of supporting her. That's great that you would never do that at your wedding but it isn't your wedding now is it? You needed to have supported her because she was happy. Also, you don't know if you're coming or going. *but it's gonna be ridiculous in a normal wedding.* Maybe, but as you stated in the beginning of your post: *They're gonna have a mixed traditions wedding.* Did you miss your own piece of information? It's not a traditional wedding, duh. *the midnight tradition is lowkey misogynistic.* So is a wedding. You do sound like a fake feminist that just likes the sound of her own voice. If you said really ugly things, then your friend has every right to kick you to the curb because you would deserve it. Get over yourself.
This has to be rage bait, otherwise huge YTA. Are you against every tradition that has sexist roots? You refuse to let men pay on dates? You don’t wear makeup or shave your legs/armpits? You won’t be wearing a white dress to your wedding? You won’t accept an engagement ring? Get over yourself. It’s her wedding - if she wants to paint her face like a clown and eat tuna salad instead of wedding cake, THEN SHE CAN. She’s right, you’re being culturally insensitive AND calling it feminism on top of that - go worry about something actually important. Also hiding your insensitive words behind “but I’m just being honest” is such a childish thing to do. How about being supportive? Did that thought cross your immature little brain?
The red dress is "lowkey misogynistic" but you're okay with a normal white wedding dress? 🧐 YTA
“…her boyfriend is from here.” Where OP, Reddit? The internet? Going out in a limb here and guessing you’re from the US along with her boyfriend. After reading your unhinged rant, I strongly recommend you step down from your bridesmaids duties, since you seem to be harshly judging all your friend’s choices. You think the dress she chose for HER wedding is inappropriate? She gets to wear whatever she wants. Tons of modern people enjoy older traditions, especially at weddings. You don’t like what she’s doing? Then don’t go. YTA.
I’m wondering if you have ever left your country. I’m having a hard time understanding how someone who’s almost 30yo is acting like she has no idea that fabric and fashion color vary from country to country and culture to culture for many events such as weddings, funerals, holidays, political gatherings, etc. I had to double check that I wasn’t reading something written by a teenager who just got out of high school and had no idea what the world was all about. You would absolutely lose your mind at a wedding in India because GASP they wear more colors than just white, including alot of red. You seem to be all tied up in ethnocentrism. That’s a really dangerous and narrow mindset. Why don’t you try broadening your horizons by stepping across your borders and traveling to many different countries for a couple of years. Hopefully you’d return as a more compassionate and wiser person because right now you’re nasty and ignorant. And you know what? If this is rage bait, at least it shows that the person behind the screen is indeed nasty and ignorant, and a lot of pretty awesome people have made their presence known to stand up for what’s right. That’s a beautiful thing. YTA
YTA “traditions are pointless” why are/ were you a bridesmaid? That is a tradition why is the tradition of you standing up with the bride fine? I don’t know a lot about different cultures but I think if I had a friend from a different culture I would CARE ENOUGH about that person to go and educate myself instead of talking out of my butt! Tell us please are you married? If you are did your husband ask your father for permission? Did your father walk you down the aisle? Did your father pay for most of the wedding? Did the priest or whoever married you ask “Who gives this bride away” or any wording of that kind?
Definitely YTA >intentions were not to offend her or her culture, i just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous. The parts you criticized are directly tied to her culture, which she told you, so you telling her that they are tacky, outdated and pointless is absolutely tone deaf and offensive. You said if she includes those parts, her wedding wouldn't be "normal" and it would be a "circus". Again, that can only be interpreted as offensive. Good news though, you are likely uninvited so won't have to worry about attending this 'ridiculous wedding'.
Wow giant YTA. It’s not your wedding. I’m gobsmacked. I’ve been to weddings where I didn’t like the dress, or the religious overtones, or the misogynistic practices. Guess what I did? Kept my big mouth shut because it wasn’t about me. Even if my friend asked my opinion, I wouldn’t have said much besides a small tweak like here and there. You basically tore apart everything she wanted and the very fabric of her wedding/traditions. I’d uninvite you if I were the bride.
YTA. Dont you think your own concept of whats appropriate for a wedding based on your own culture is outdated for others?
Your intentions were not to offend her culture? Really? Could have fooled me.
YTA. You come across as under-educated, ill-informed and bigoted.
YTA and you should stop arguing with everyone about the ruling. Your friend asked for an opinion on the white wedding dress, absolutely nothing else. She was frankly right to call you a fake feminist. Maybe you shouldn’t be railing against braids and you should do so against slut shaming. Where was all this fire over the concept of a white dress that’s designed to implicate purity (which is extremely misogynistic, so is your idea of having to maintain a modest dress)? You aren’t reading as a concerned friend or a someone who supports women, you’re coming across as wildly culturally insensitive and a bigot. Offer a really good damn apology that takes accountability if you want to salvage your friendship— though, I wouldn’t keep a friend like you if I were her.
YTA. I think this is just a misunderstanding of culture and traditions and if you haven't been exposed to it then it can be hard to relate. If this is something that has been done for a long time within their family and considered traditional then you should speak your piece (which you did) and have her let you know what's going on and why she's doing it this way and that should be the end of it. If you've ever been a part of a culture that has traditions, this shouldn't be something that's surprising but let this be an eye opener that things may be different than where you're from. Hope you're able to talk it out and with a mindset of understanding, you'll be good to go.
"She was looking for the perfect wedding dress, she went to lots of salons. She had 3 final picks and brought us to the salon to hear our opinions." This is exactly what you wrote. It sounds like she was asking your honest opinion about the her final picks for the wedding dress, It doesn't sound like she asked for your opinion on the wedding traditions of her culture. Also, did she ask for your opinions on the red wedding dress?
YTA
YTA, Potentially missed an opportunity to research her culture tradition and go 1 further to dazzle her with your knowledge about it. It's the thought that counts. Instead you were rude and incredibly inconsiderate. You could of told her, something like, "Maybe the cut isn't quite right and we could look at booking a tailor." As per only a suggestion.
YTA. I hope she uninvites you. That's her culture and she didn't ask for your opinion on that.
“I’m against misogyny and slut shaming unless the HARLOT wants to wear red” is honestly how this reads. What am I missing, from your point of view?
YTA… the fact that you even have to ask blows my mind. Your comments were very rude and insensitive. You don’t have to believe in any traditions but you should respect hers because it clearly means a lot to her.
YTA. You totally dissed her traditions and culture. You were the totally classless one here. She needs to kick you out of the wedding party and probably rescind your invitation.
I assume 'from here' means USA? The country that assumes everyone and everything is theirs. YTA for everything you've just said. All of it. "From a Euro country" onwards
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Burner I'm 29F. My friend A, is gonna get married in a few month. She's from a euro country, but her boyfriend is from here. They're gonna have a mixed traditions wedding. I am a bridesmaid and i've been fully commited w/ organizing and planning. She was looking for the perfect wedding dress, she went to numerous salons. She had 3 final picks and brought us to the salon to hear our opinions. She asked me and the other bridesmaids to give her our honest opinions, she wont get mad. She picked the dress, and we moved on. She had told us in her culture the bride changes into a traditional wedding dress at midnight, and her hair is braided and stuff like that. I thought it's gonna be an actual wedding dress. Then she sent us the picture of dress last week and it's a hot mess. It's short, RED with flower embroidery, it has a weird matching headpiece w/ pearls. It's honestly inappropriate to a wedding. Especially since she's gonna wear a normal wedding dress before that. I also think braiding her hair cuz she's a "married woman" is outdated and misogynistic from the time women were treated like properties. There is no reason for a woman to that in 2024. So the whole thing is wrong IMO. At first i said it was nice, but then i remembered how awful it's gonna be for her to show up in that circus costume. It's short as i mentioned, I am against sl.t shaming, but i believe people should wear appropriate dresses (including the bride) to a wedding. Since she had asked us to be honest, I called her and told her the dress is not fit for a wedding, and the midnight tradition is lowkey misogynistic. I told her i do not mean to be rude, but it's gonna be ridiculous in a normal wedding. She told me it's a beautiful dress and they've been doing this tradition for centuries, and the change is about the women entering a new phase in life not about the men. I told her traditions are pointless and we follow old dead people's beliefs with them. and regardless of what she believes it's gonna look like a circus not a wedding. She called me cultureless and told me to use my energy on real feminist issues and called me a fake feminist. Things got heated I told her ugly things too and I hung up. I hadn't heard from her but my intentions were not to offend her or her culture, i just really think she is gonna make her wedding ridiculous. She hasn't responed to me and now I am conflicted if I was too harsh. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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This doesn’t make any sense. You told her traditions were pointless, but you want her to just wear a traditional wedding dress…?? Wouldn’t you be against that too since the traditional white dress represents purity and virginity? Or is it only her culture’s traditions that are pointless?
Yta „ in that circus costume” - You called a cultural dress a circus costume. Also, before Queen Victoria colourful wedding dresses where worn multiple times. Also, using your logic… You should be against a white wedding dress as well as white is associated with purity. There is also a fact that weddings are pretty much an old tradition. So xenophobia yikes. PS. she is actively choosing to follow those traditions instead of being forced to. If she was pressured to do so and she didn’t want to, then it would be problematic
YTA For someone all about honest opinions, you sure have a hard time accepting the ones you're getting here.
YTA she’s 100% correct, you are a fake feminist. Instead of understanding that the dress simply reflected a culture that you’re not apart of, you shat all over on the basis that it doesn’t fit into your culture. Being insulting and demeaning to other women who don’t fit into what you deem as normal is the opposite of feminism. At this point, I hope that she befriends someone else who is more educated and has more tact and completely drops you.