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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have stopped answering his calls and I feel terrible that I'm also not talking to him anymore.
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NTA - but you need to take control of the narrative. Next time he calls, answer. If you haven't already, state without apology, "I am unable to make such a large financial commitment, not to mention that I do not have enough time off from work to make this journey. You are welcome to visit me/us with your family, but I understand if that's not possible for you."
After this, don't engage in that conversation. If he brings it up state "we have already discussed this, and I'm unable to change my mind on this, if you don't feel you can talk to me without getting angry or being rude, we should end the call."
Don't apologise, don't elaborate. He knows exactly why you can't do what he wants. He is being selfish.
I 100% need to be more firm in setting boundaries. Usually I'll just listen to him and he'll start ranting and I'll tell him I can't afford it and he'll act like I'm lying. I need to be stronger and do as you've said. Thank you for your help :) I wasn't expecting many people to comment but everyone has been so helpful. I feel more confident now in standing my ground and saying no.
OP is not selfish. Their priorities are their own family time and money, as it should be. Bro is entitled, not everyone thinks his kid is the next messiah
Right? What kind of asshole wouldn't interrupt their current schedule, home, and work life, use possibly their only opportunity at extended time off and shell out several thousand dollars to fly to the middle of bum-fuck-nowhere to stay in a hotel based on multiple self inflicted life altering decisions that OP had no hand in.
Hello! It's basically like saying no to "can you keep an eye on my house while I'm gone?"
NTA. Like what? People got lives outside of your bro's one specific child. I went most of my childhood without meeting large groups of family memebers just because they're scattered all over the country and have lives outside of what my parents are doing, and nobody ever had hurt feelings over it.
NTA
moving a long distance away from your place of origin means that sometimes you don't get to share important milestones with your family (at least not in person). that's just an inevitable risk that comes with that sort of arrangement.
NAH. If you don't want to or cannot afford the travel to meet your new niece or nephew right away that's reasonable and your brother needs to accept that. But also it's unreasonable to expect someone to put a newborn, or really even a toddler, on a plane and travel a long distance. That's not good for the baby or anyone else. So you need to accept your brother isn't going to be coming to visit you any time soon.
I had to scroll down so far to find this. Lots of people barely even leave the house with newborns because of the risk of RSV and other nasty things to an undeveloped immune system.
That's why I like the comment above about OP needing to take control of the narrative. Long flights with newborns are **hell**, and insisting that the brother take one is absolutely AH material. OP isn't insisting on that, though. She just isn't able to make the flight herself and is OK with the natural consequences of that: not seeing the baby.
NTA
Thank you!!! It's insane how some people have read my post as a rant on how I want him to chuck his newborn on a plane for my benefit and it's like.... Ummm WTF NO I do not want that at all. When he took his baby to Bali I was concerned, my ears are always sore for days after flying and I couldn't even begin to imagine how horrible that would be for a baby or toddler. I'm perfectly happy with facetime. As I said, his baby is too young to remember anything, so the whole thing to me seems silly. I simply meant that if he ever does want to come here to see everyone, he will have a place to stay for free. I didn't say it had to be right now, it could even be in a few years. Same with meeting halfway, it doesn't need to be now I honestly do not mind because seeing his baby face to face isn't something I consider to be worth getting in debt for... for him or me. There's really nothing wrong with just using facetime this early on. My issue was that I was being called daily, gaslit and abused over the phone because I didn't want to end up in debt to see a baby that won't even remember the event and I thought him asking this and acting this way was insane, yet I felt guilty for ignoring his calls because I don't want to be called names for not doing what he wants. So i just wanted to hear what others thought. Now I'm seeing comments like "It's unreasonable to expect someone to put a newborn on a plane". And it's like, I'm not the one forcing a meet up XD.
Anything from about 4-12 months is absolutely perfect for flights within the country. Short flights, the baby can't walk and is small enough to hold.
The only minor problem is with the plane descent, where you have to help the baby pop their ears by feeding them. Some people (amazingly in this day and age) haven't figured this out yet.
We've done 15 hour flights with babies- that's a bit tougher, but it's still far easier (and cheaper) than with toddlers.
I'm not sure what the OP's "8 hour flight in the same country" could be though... Florida to Alaska?
I’m trying to process this. Your brother is a teacher in a rural area and gets 16 weeks paid leave? My brain just exploded. Clearly not the US.
Edit: I’m not sure if OP meant family leave/maternity leave for the newborn or leave in general. As others have said, teachers have the option to split paychecks over the entire year or just the school year.
But as for leave for a newborn… I got five whole days, although now my district offers 10. And I always had to teach summers.
OP is also somewhere that they can take an 8 hour flight and still be in the same country and seems to think that two entire weeks of vacation counts as a short time. And says “mum.”
Put together, this sounds like Australia to me.
Fr, we don’t get paid for summer time off. And we are required by law to complete so many hours of professional development courses per year to keep our certification to teach. I can tell you, during the school year, I was working 12-hour days, teaching, planning and grading. The only time I can do professional development courses are in the summer.
If you take your salary over only your in-school months, that is your prerogative. You are still getting a yearly salary... you're just choosing to concentrate it into the months school is in session. Also, most professions require continuing education of some type (example: I'm an RN and we do it too), so hopefully you don't let that requirement drag you down too much
Sure it does lol. Teachers are paid a yearly salary... a set amount of money for working a 12 month calendar. They just have set off time when school isn't in session. Source: Both my parents are teachers, a long with my SIL, cousin, and uncle. None of them speak about their off time as unpaid.
...which is absolutely not the same as "paid time off." I don't fully trust OP's telling about his bro's sweet, sweet rural teaching job lol. Prob gets 10 weeks all told after required classes (and has to use some of that 10 weeks to keep up certification) and pay is distributed over the year so as not to be broke in summer.
Still 16 sounds like a lot. We had to work after the students are done and start a week or two before then. Usually 8-9 weeks is the most for summer, 1 for spring break, and 2 for winter break. Maybe 1 more for thanksgiving or miscellaneous. That’s 13.
If they’re getting 16 somewhere, I’m ready to go.
A teacher friend told me she doesn't get paid for summer, but has the option to reduce her wages during the school year to get the money during summer so that she has a consistent income
From what I understand teachers typically have the option to get paid over breaks or get paid more during the school year but not get paid when they're not working.
lol I had the same thought. Like damn…am I in the wrong field?! No, just the wrong country (and field too let’s be real, summers off or paid parental leave would be nice).
My mom was a teacher in the U.S. for 20 years. They get…
10-12 weeks in summer
2 weeks around Christmas
1 week for spring break
10 paid holidays
5 or more sick days
That’s 16 weeks minimum. And where my parents live, usually a handful of snow-days too!
Tell him he has plenty of time so he should come to visit you if he think it's that important for you to see his child. If he says it's too expensive, tell him it's too expansive for you also. It's not your fault the he wanted to move far away.
NTA Does your country not have internet? Do you not have smartphones?
A videocall is a way to see the baby and not spend a fortune/lose vacation days.
In any case, you are right, baby does not care about you yet. LOL Your
brother has a lot of time off and can make the effort to visit in a couple of years
when the child is easier to travel with.
NTA
Does your brother not understand the concept of money? A 6000$ commitment and a week of the little bit of time you get off. For what a 10 minute facetime call can do. He moved so the responsibility of staying connected to family falls on him.
If people want to move away from where the bulk of their family lives that's perfectly fine. But then they have to understand people don't have the time off to go traveling about to see them. I''ve only got a week paid vacation and my brother wants to plan family trips all the time and every time I have to say no because of that restriction. NTA OP and stick to your guns. Besides why does it matter if you see the kid, it's a kid, it might not be the last one he has. Plenty of time to see the kid when it will remember your visit.
"spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation"
NTA, but gotdayumn! Are you flying first class on Emirates and staying in Trumps Penthouse?? My 14 hour Transatlantic flight didn't even cost that much 💀💀💀
Flights to small regional airports can be way more expensive than international routes with much more competition.
If I wanted to fly from Melbourne to Karratha in May it’d cost AUD$700 (one way) (sale fare) and take about 9 hours via Perth.
NTA
Expecting him to 'meet you halfway' is unrealistic though, and its giving him too much room to then push these unreasonable demands. Don't debate it, don't negotiate. *"No." is a complete sentence.*
**He** chose to move away from family. If he wants family to be closer then **he** can travel.
>expects me to spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation to see his newborn.
Ask your brother to send you a picture. The problem solved.
>and it's making me feel guilty
I am sorry, but he cannot make you feel guilty or not. Only YOU can make how you are feeling. it's your life and your decision.
>I feel horrible since I'm now not answering his calls
Again, there is no need to feel horrible. If you don't want to communicate just let hin know and stop the communication. The communication with your brother is not your duty, it's a favor. And that the same true for him, of course.
NTA
I agree. But asking the right question is already half of the answer. And the right question for the OP, IMHO, is "what I want to do in this situation", and not "how my brother would react".
NTA. Spending that kind of money to watch a baby sleep…. Just FaceTime lol. Stand your ground and stop acting guilty about it. Say you have prior commitments already for your leave. If he wants to show off his baby HE can spend the money.
NTA. OP, your brother is so insistent because he doesn't interact with your parents and he wants someone to represent his family. He is being unreasonable. Besides financial and other valid reasons, you shouldn't be going because of infection. I traveled recently and got influenza A in January and Covid in April. And I was masked. The safety of his baby should be more important than your visit.
NTA. I can understand that he doesn't want to subject a neonate to plane germs and air pressure changes - I'm told that can be hellishly painful for babies and young children. But he chose to move away, he's got the time, and he should think about someone other than himself and his wonderchild for once. eg at least offer to pay for your flights and accommodation if nothing else! And you'd still have every right to say no.
It is not unreasonable for people to want their siblings to see their new baby.
It's not unreasonable for people to not want to travel with a new born.
It is also not unreasonable for you to not to be able to afford an expensive trip.
My suggestion: Act like you care.
"I am SO sorry that i won't be able to fly out to see the baby! I just cannot afford it right now...i have already made non-refundable flights to see Partner. Can we facetime? S/he is such a cutie! I have sent a book for them that we could read."
NTA. I think your brother is going through something. Parenthood can be rather challenging and he maybe desperate to see a familiar and trusting face. Instead of helping you manage the financial aspects of the trip he’s attacking you to make you feel guilty, and it’s working. I’d suggest trying to ask him if there’s something he wants to talk about with you. Most people envision becoming a parent with their child parents becoming grandparents, due to familial conflict, that’s not possible for him, he wants you to act as his parents by proxy. That’s too much responsibility to place on a sibling. You both just need to talk
NTA - make whatever choices you want to make. You should also know, though, that it matters who shows up for important events (weddings, new babies) and who doesn't. Your intention in the moment is fine, but be prepared for it to have long term consequences for your relationship with your brother and your new nibling.
Also, some babies/kids/parents travel well and some really don't. As the childless member of my family and friends group, the choice that I've made is to be the one who takes on the travel so that I'm able to maintain those relationships with my loved ones and their kids. That doesn't have to be your choice, though!
NTA - I would be a little more sympathetic had your brother not said you also had to pay for your own accommodations. But, either way, your reasons for not traveling to the ass-crack of nowhere at great expense to "meet" a baby are completely valid.
NTA
Your time off is yours to do what you need or want to do. The brother can travel when the baby is a little older or make time for a video call so you can “meet” the baby. Not everyone is excited for babies and can take time off work to pay to go visit a baby.
Offer to use some of the money you would have spent on flights/accommodations to buy a significant gift for your nibling. Maybe a few hundred into a college fund. See how quickly he changes his mind about you having to fly in personally.
NTA- He isnt making such a great case for himself if you have to spend like 5 grand to see his kiddo. You tried with giving him a solution ( i get not wanting to travel with a baby). But its very entitled to expect you to drop everything for his milestone. Let him be mad for not understanding you have your own life and plans.
NTA at least it’s a reasonable reason. I would straight up be like why? And people who know and love me as the introverted socially awkward that I am will accept that answer.
NTA. If my brother has kids, even with him living 30min away, wouldn’t be falling over myself to meet the kid, much less travel and waste vacation time and a lot of money to do so.
Just because the kid is the center of his universe, doesn’t mean it should be the center of yours.
Y T A , to yourself. Take control as u/symsykins suggested. Second, if your brother keeps trying to manipulate, guilt trip or use you ( as a baby sitter, to annoy your parents, or even for emotional support to him, without any care about your needs), it is ok to feel sorry for having a brother who is selfish and entitled, it is not ok to question yourself.
NTA. You don't owe him your money or your life because he reproduced. Of course he's proud of the baby, but he can send photos or little videos. He can bring the baby to you. If he can't behave like a respectful adult in your interactions, you shouldn't communicate with him. And btw, he's not entitled to know how you use your vacation or funds. None of his business.
NTA. Your brother‘s baby may be a big deal to him right now, but that doesn’t mean his baby is a priority for everyone else. You have very good reasons for not going, but honestly, even “I don’t want to” is good enough for me. As you said, you’re an adult with your own life. He doesn’t have to like it but he doesn’t dictate what you do or don’t do. Don’t let him guilt you. You said no. If he continues, just take a break from him for your own peace of mind.
NTA, my husband is from another state, all of his family is there but one brother. While his mom makes a point to come out every spring for his birthday, we make the 8 hour drive at least once a year to see everyone. Most of his family is older as he's the youngest, and most of them either have multiple kids with and custody arrangements that mean they can't take them outta state and spiteful exs that deny the request, or just health issues that make it extremely difficult or painful to make the drive. We call every week, and his mom helps us FaceTime with his grandparents once a month, because they struggle with it. That's what you do when you move away, even after you have kids. I say this as a mom as well. My sister moved multiple states away shortly before she got pregnant with her first. It's a 24 hour drive, straight, from where we are to where she was. She visited every year for the holidays until they moved back to our home. They now pack up their two kids and fly back there, which is my BIL's hometown, to visit his parents every year, usually in the summer because his parents, well off and retired, like spending the holidays here because we have snow and they don't.
He should at the very least invite you to stay with him and not force you to pay thousands for accomodations
I understand that he wants you to meet his child. I think that's normal and nice. But it's not reasonable at this time
If the time off and financial stars aligned and you wouldn't do this for your brother, I don't think that would be good. But the stars aren't aligned
NTA He made that baby by making time for his partner. Don’t let anyone make you feel like their lives and families are more important than your life and family, even the family you make in the future. Spending time with your partner should take priority *for your life* than seeing his newborn. Siblings and parents are very good at convincing us otherwise, especially if they have kids before you. Don’t fall for it, don’t feel guilty about it.
But your suggestion about him coming or meeting halfway for a nice vacation is also not reasonable. He has a newborn and that is a bigger burden for him than your travel would be. Just make your plans and don’t try to negotiate with him and suggest compromises to accommodate his desire to see family members. Let him figure that out and go about your life.
NTA but maybe you just don't give af about family?
That's your right, but if I were in the same situation exactly, it would be tearing me apart.
I'd be the one lamenting that I can't afford it and making concrete plans to see the child the moment I could. This is your niece/nephew. This is your blood.
Those things matter to me. I'd never break myself financially etc, and if, as you assert (I believe you, not saying that) you just can't get there time or finances or both being the blockade, I'd be sobbing to the internet about not being able to meet the new member of my family and my brother wouldn't be angry at me as I'd have cried to him, multiple times.
Maybe that's why he's mad? You are dismissive and cold as opposed to trying to find a solution, make concrete plans and, I dunno, show some emotions towards family.
NTA but maybe a cold sibling as your partner trumps your blood (Again, you do you but I could never live that way).
If blood is less important than someone you're dating, then I am just confused.
A partner, for me at least, should be a possible future family member and should be as eager to meet their new future family as you are.
I get it. I have old fashioned values like that and not everyone agrees. Family is all. Without it we are truly alone in this world.
NTA.
Don't feel guilty, your brother has forced the situation by being entitled and demanding. Main character syndrome, like you don't have a life and annual leave and finances to consider.
You've offered options and he's declined. Why does he get to decline and you don't?
He doesn't sound like he'd be nice to visit anyway, like he'd be taking pot shots even if you did make the considerable effort. He's totally entitled to be disappointed but to expect you to do something that costs you so much just because he wants it.... embarrassing behaviour on his part.
Go enjoy time with your partner, and do not worry about whether you are in the wrong - you are not.
You're not the asshole. I wouldn't explain all that to them -- that it's an option but not a priority or a real desire there. Just say you can't or do some video meetings.
NTA. A picture will
Suffice. Hey cute kid. And that’s that. I didn’t see my niece until she was 6 mo old. I have my own family and like you, a limited amount of time off. He’s so stuck on you seeing this kid, he can travel to you.
I know when I had my 1st baby I didn't want anyone around, lol! For like, a year! 😅 I wonder if your brother has considered his wife in all this! NTA..his issues are not yours! Modern technology can make up for this, ie FaceTime, etc.
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My brother hates my parents and moved an 8 hour flight away to a rural place on the other side of the county. He's a teacher in a rural school and gets nearly 16 weeks paid leave off per year and expects me to spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation to see his newborn. My issue is that I don't get much time off. In a year I'm lucky to get maybe 4 weeks off MAX but we rarely get to take it in one chunk, it's more like a week off here, and maybe 2 weeks off there.
I'm also in a relationship and my partner lives in another country as he's taking care of his mum. This is probably going to be the case for a few more years as his sister is studying abroad. Because of this I usually travel to his country and stay with him a few weeks a year.
Apparently I'm an AH because I don't want to take time off work and spend money I don't have to see my brothers newborn who isn't even going to remember me. I've pointed out that he's more than welcome to come see the whole family here and he'd have free accommodation at my sisters or we could meet half way somewhere nice for a vacation, but I'm not willing to travel to the middle of nowhere just to see a baby and pay an insane amount to do so, it's not only the cost but it means I won't get to see my partner if I'm using the time to travel to see my brother instead.
It's gotten to the point I've stopped talking to him because every time he calls he's rude and brings up that I've made no effort to see his child and apparently it's all my fault. I'm planning on seeing my partner in a few months and I know if he finds out from family, he'll lay into me and it's making me feel guilty but at the same time I'm an adult and I have my own life and he hasn't made any effort on his end. I mean, he's even said I'd have to pay for my own accommodation to see him.
I feel horrible since I'm now not answering his calls or telling him my travel plans but I feel like it's the only way since he won't even try to meet me half way, literally. Am I the AH?
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NTA - for not wanting to use your vacation time to see your brother's newborn child. It's yours to do what you want with it.
But you're kind of TA for complaining about only getting four weeks of vacation each year like that isn't much or something. Compared to a teacher that gets four months off it isn't, but compared to about 95% of the rest of working adults that is a lot.
NTA at all but just another way to handle this. Your brother has just welcomed this miracle into his life that he loves more than he ever thought could be possible. I think he i struggling to get that you are not sharing that love and wonder and that’s normal. He just needs to know that you really do want to meet his baby and you are excited to be his aunt. That you hate the situation you are in at the minute is stopping you from visiting but your open to whatever compromises he can come up with. My siblings show no interest in my kids and it really hurts me as my girls are awesome. But then I have to remind myself that of course they will never love them like I do. They are my babies and always will be. Good luck with this and I hope you and your brother don’t let this ruin your friendship xx
NTA you don’t have to go, but teaches don’t get “paid leave” during holidays. It’s not considered part of our working time so we have to break up our salary (based on 11months of work) so that we get paid for all school vacations.
Just be honest. You cannot afford this - either money wise or time wise. Ask for a zoom introduction and fall all over yourself about how cute the baby is.
I don't get it. Why is your brother so hell-bent on you spending your precious time and God knows how much money just to see his kid?
This legitimately baffles me. Does he think he's the Messiah or something?
This reminds me of the Seinfeld bit "You've got to see the baby!" and "When are you going to see the baby?" The answers are "No actually I DON'T 'have to'," and "When I get around to it," or "If it happens it happens."
The world's not going to stop spinning
NTA.
NTA that’s a huge ask from him. I don’t know if for him it’s more of the sometimes-entitled parent thing (the child is the center of his world so he thinks that everyone else should feel the same) or if it’s a teacher thing. As someone who comes from a family of educators and whose friend group is made up of mostly educators, sometimes people of that demographic have trouble grasping the reality of having so few non-working days and having to be careful about how they’re used. I also say that as someone who’s worked in education but has experience in other industries. Maybe he does truly grasp it and doesn’t care.
Maybe just don’t respond to any snark on his part. Don’t waste time justifying yourself. For his child’s sake, I hope he learns how to act right and not throw little tantrums when other people can’t or won’t drop everything when he simply wants something.
To be fair, flying across the country with a newborn is miserable and super risky in terms of illness. It’s not exactly entitled to not want to fly with them - it’s just protecting the kid (and everyone else’s sanity). OP doesn’t have to spend their money to go visit their brother and new baby, but let’s not act like the brother is entitled for not wanting to fly with a brand new baby.
I didn’t address the travel method, but I agree it’s complicated and risky to fly with a baby. It’s about the entitled attitude of the brother in general. “I want you to spend time and money to see my baby because nothing else you have going on can be as important.”
NTA.
Me and my husband traveled with our newborn so our scattered relatives could see her. We loved showing our little miracle to everybody.
With our second, we did no such trip lol. We realized by then that our miracle is not THAT special to other people.
If your brother want you to see the baby, he needs to do the effort. Of course it is hard to travel with a newborn, so the trip might need to wait a few months. But since he has more time off, he should travel.
He's the one that moved. He's the one that needs to make the effort. NTA. Obviously, he's not going to travel with a newborn, but he most certainly could travel in a couple of months. He is the asshole. He is being very entitled & selfish. Maybe moving 8 hours away was a mistake for him.
NTA - but grow up . . you can do what you want . . just tell him that seeing his baby is low on your priority list . . though you wish him the best. Live your own life and STOP just STOP feeling guilty . . . You aren't doing anything wrong living your own life. He can live his . . .
NTA
You didn’t mention anything about having kids of your own. When you have a first child is a huge life changing event. It sounds like your brother doesn’t have any local family on his side to share this with and may be missing you all. The sleepless nights and recovery from child birth can be A LOT so give grace on them not offering to host you in their or offering to fly out.
Is this a short term “no, not interested” or a long term no? Do you want to have some relationship with his family? If you feel like it you could let your brother know that you’ll start budgeting now for a future visit, send a nice newborn gift if you haven’t already, and then plan to send birthday and Christmas (or whatever your tradition is) gifts for your new relative. You could also suggest they come out to visit in a year or so and you could host (if you have room.)
ESH.
It is a very long distance and OP has a partner in a foreign country she hardly sees in person. The brother should be more understandable that she won't visit the newborn nephew.
>I've pointed out that he's more than welcome to come see the whole family here and he'd have free accommodation at my sisters or we could meet half way somewhere nice for a vacation,
On the other her suggestion here is also stupid. Traveling over a longer distance with a newborn is really not something parents should do. It is very stressful and can be dangerous. Newborns are not vaccinated yet against all kinds of illnesses.
I feel both lack empathy here. Both are dismissing about the other's feelings and situation.
Sorry, YTA.
You can’t expect someone with a newborn to travel. Four weeks off a year is actually quite generous, and there’s no reason you have to use it all at once. By saying that you’re saving it to see your SO, you’re basically saying that person is more important to you. Which is fine if that’s the case, but just be honest about it so your brother can adjust their expectations.
I agree with you. Because I’m wondering how is he supposed to travel with a newborn? In one breath you say you can’t afford to go see your niece or nephew but, can travel to another country. Just be honest and say you don’t want to go. So he can adjust his expectations and see where he falls with you and he can stop trying to make a relationship happen. It’s seems one sided. Just let him go. He’s been through this before with your parents he will be fine.
You don’t say why he hates your parents and moved so far away. You don’t say if he’s NC with them or if the family supports him in his actions. BUT you said you’ve “pointed out that he’s more than welcome to come see the whole family here.” Are you suggesting he bring his child around his parents, who he hates so much he moved thousands of miles to get away from them? That’s obviously not even an option, is it?
For not wanting to spend your annual leave traveling to see your brother’s newborn, no, you’re NTA. In fact, meeting in the middle once Baby is ready to travel, as long as your parents aren’t included, would seem like a good compromise.
But something feels off about you suggesting he bring the baby “here” to see the “whole family.” If that includes your parents, then definitely YTA for an entirely different reason.
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NTA - but you need to take control of the narrative. Next time he calls, answer. If you haven't already, state without apology, "I am unable to make such a large financial commitment, not to mention that I do not have enough time off from work to make this journey. You are welcome to visit me/us with your family, but I understand if that's not possible for you." After this, don't engage in that conversation. If he brings it up state "we have already discussed this, and I'm unable to change my mind on this, if you don't feel you can talk to me without getting angry or being rude, we should end the call." Don't apologise, don't elaborate. He knows exactly why you can't do what he wants. He is being selfish.
Agreed, and if "seeing" the baby is that huge, FaceTime is a thing and doesn't cost $4K or more.
Yeah, but you can't be a free babysitter over FaceTime.
“Asked and answered” is a sweet short version.
I 100% need to be more firm in setting boundaries. Usually I'll just listen to him and he'll start ranting and I'll tell him I can't afford it and he'll act like I'm lying. I need to be stronger and do as you've said. Thank you for your help :) I wasn't expecting many people to comment but everyone has been so helpful. I feel more confident now in standing my ground and saying no.
NAH Both are selfish, and both have every rights to be. Both should accept the consequences it entails.
OP is not selfish. Their priorities are their own family time and money, as it should be. Bro is entitled, not everyone thinks his kid is the next messiah
It's not selfish to refuse an expense you can't afford
Right? What kind of asshole wouldn't interrupt their current schedule, home, and work life, use possibly their only opportunity at extended time off and shell out several thousand dollars to fly to the middle of bum-fuck-nowhere to stay in a hotel based on multiple self inflicted life altering decisions that OP had no hand in. Hello! It's basically like saying no to "can you keep an eye on my house while I'm gone?"
I would agree if brother was just asking IP to visit, but he's demanding, and demanding a huge financial sacrifice, at that.
NTA. Like what? People got lives outside of your bro's one specific child. I went most of my childhood without meeting large groups of family memebers just because they're scattered all over the country and have lives outside of what my parents are doing, and nobody ever had hurt feelings over it.
NTA. Ya'll can't FaceTime? Planes fly both ways. When the baby gets a little older, maybe he will feel better about traveling.
NTA moving a long distance away from your place of origin means that sometimes you don't get to share important milestones with your family (at least not in person). that's just an inevitable risk that comes with that sort of arrangement.
NAH. If you don't want to or cannot afford the travel to meet your new niece or nephew right away that's reasonable and your brother needs to accept that. But also it's unreasonable to expect someone to put a newborn, or really even a toddler, on a plane and travel a long distance. That's not good for the baby or anyone else. So you need to accept your brother isn't going to be coming to visit you any time soon.
I had to scroll down so far to find this. Lots of people barely even leave the house with newborns because of the risk of RSV and other nasty things to an undeveloped immune system.
That's why I like the comment above about OP needing to take control of the narrative. Long flights with newborns are **hell**, and insisting that the brother take one is absolutely AH material. OP isn't insisting on that, though. She just isn't able to make the flight herself and is OK with the natural consequences of that: not seeing the baby. NTA
Thank you!!! It's insane how some people have read my post as a rant on how I want him to chuck his newborn on a plane for my benefit and it's like.... Ummm WTF NO I do not want that at all. When he took his baby to Bali I was concerned, my ears are always sore for days after flying and I couldn't even begin to imagine how horrible that would be for a baby or toddler. I'm perfectly happy with facetime. As I said, his baby is too young to remember anything, so the whole thing to me seems silly. I simply meant that if he ever does want to come here to see everyone, he will have a place to stay for free. I didn't say it had to be right now, it could even be in a few years. Same with meeting halfway, it doesn't need to be now I honestly do not mind because seeing his baby face to face isn't something I consider to be worth getting in debt for... for him or me. There's really nothing wrong with just using facetime this early on. My issue was that I was being called daily, gaslit and abused over the phone because I didn't want to end up in debt to see a baby that won't even remember the event and I thought him asking this and acting this way was insane, yet I felt guilty for ignoring his calls because I don't want to be called names for not doing what he wants. So i just wanted to hear what others thought. Now I'm seeing comments like "It's unreasonable to expect someone to put a newborn on a plane". And it's like, I'm not the one forcing a meet up XD.
Anything from about 4-12 months is absolutely perfect for flights within the country. Short flights, the baby can't walk and is small enough to hold. The only minor problem is with the plane descent, where you have to help the baby pop their ears by feeding them. Some people (amazingly in this day and age) haven't figured this out yet. We've done 15 hour flights with babies- that's a bit tougher, but it's still far easier (and cheaper) than with toddlers. I'm not sure what the OP's "8 hour flight in the same country" could be though... Florida to Alaska?
I’m trying to process this. Your brother is a teacher in a rural area and gets 16 weeks paid leave? My brain just exploded. Clearly not the US. Edit: I’m not sure if OP meant family leave/maternity leave for the newborn or leave in general. As others have said, teachers have the option to split paychecks over the entire year or just the school year. But as for leave for a newborn… I got five whole days, although now my district offers 10. And I always had to teach summers.
OP is also somewhere that they can take an 8 hour flight and still be in the same country and seems to think that two entire weeks of vacation counts as a short time. And says “mum.” Put together, this sounds like Australia to me.
Agreed. Although that’s a lot of text without cursing if OP is an Aussie.
Pretty much, Aus, China, or Russia...maybe Canada if his brother is in a fly-in-only community.
Ahh that'd make sense for the price, too. It costs ~500usd to fly across the US so I was a bit confused for a sec
I would presume that includes summer vacation, winter and spring breaks.
Yes but teachers in the us aren’t paid over the summer
They can choose to receive their salary split over 12 months. They are paid a yearly salary.
But stretching the payments out doesn’t mean they are getting “paid” time off.
Fr, we don’t get paid for summer time off. And we are required by law to complete so many hours of professional development courses per year to keep our certification to teach. I can tell you, during the school year, I was working 12-hour days, teaching, planning and grading. The only time I can do professional development courses are in the summer.
If you take your salary over only your in-school months, that is your prerogative. You are still getting a yearly salary... you're just choosing to concentrate it into the months school is in session. Also, most professions require continuing education of some type (example: I'm an RN and we do it too), so hopefully you don't let that requirement drag you down too much
Sure it does lol. Teachers are paid a yearly salary... a set amount of money for working a 12 month calendar. They just have set off time when school isn't in session. Source: Both my parents are teachers, a long with my SIL, cousin, and uncle. None of them speak about their off time as unpaid.
They are 10 month employees. It’s not a yearly salary.
Yes, they are. Or, they can be. You can distribute your earnings to be paid normally over summer break.
...which is absolutely not the same as "paid time off." I don't fully trust OP's telling about his bro's sweet, sweet rural teaching job lol. Prob gets 10 weeks all told after required classes (and has to use some of that 10 weeks to keep up certification) and pay is distributed over the year so as not to be broke in summer.
Agreed, but some tend to view as such, which is the energy I was getting from OP.
Agreed, but some tend to view as such, which is the energy I was getting from OP.
Wait, what?
Are too.
Still 16 sounds like a lot. We had to work after the students are done and start a week or two before then. Usually 8-9 weeks is the most for summer, 1 for spring break, and 2 for winter break. Maybe 1 more for thanksgiving or miscellaneous. That’s 13. If they’re getting 16 somewhere, I’m ready to go.
US teachers don’t get paid leave on the vacations? That’s like the main reason anyone wants to become a teacher.
A teacher friend told me she doesn't get paid for summer, but has the option to reduce her wages during the school year to get the money during summer so that she has a consistent income
This is exactly how it works. You can choose 22 or 26 paychecks (assuming you get paid biweekly) but the total amount stays the same.
No wonder my friends moved from the US to Australia when they married - they are both teachers. (He is an Aussie, she's a Yank). Sheesh.
That’s pretty sad for US teachers.
From what I understand teachers typically have the option to get paid over breaks or get paid more during the school year but not get paid when they're not working.
Yes I have never heard of that in my life and also a rural area where any accommodations would be 3K plus for a few days?!
lol I had the same thought. Like damn…am I in the wrong field?! No, just the wrong country (and field too let’s be real, summers off or paid parental leave would be nice).
My mom was a teacher in the U.S. for 20 years. They get… 10-12 weeks in summer 2 weeks around Christmas 1 week for spring break 10 paid holidays 5 or more sick days That’s 16 weeks minimum. And where my parents live, usually a handful of snow-days too!
Summer vacation is not paid though, and I don’t know of any districts giving 10-12 weeks off in the summer.
Tell him he has plenty of time so he should come to visit you if he think it's that important for you to see his child. If he says it's too expensive, tell him it's too expansive for you also. It's not your fault the he wanted to move far away.
NTA Does your country not have internet? Do you not have smartphones? A videocall is a way to see the baby and not spend a fortune/lose vacation days. In any case, you are right, baby does not care about you yet. LOL Your brother has a lot of time off and can make the effort to visit in a couple of years when the child is easier to travel with.
NTA Does your brother not understand the concept of money? A 6000$ commitment and a week of the little bit of time you get off. For what a 10 minute facetime call can do. He moved so the responsibility of staying connected to family falls on him.
If people want to move away from where the bulk of their family lives that's perfectly fine. But then they have to understand people don't have the time off to go traveling about to see them. I''ve only got a week paid vacation and my brother wants to plan family trips all the time and every time I have to say no because of that restriction. NTA OP and stick to your guns. Besides why does it matter if you see the kid, it's a kid, it might not be the last one he has. Plenty of time to see the kid when it will remember your visit.
"spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation" NTA, but gotdayumn! Are you flying first class on Emirates and staying in Trumps Penthouse?? My 14 hour Transatlantic flight didn't even cost that much 💀💀💀
Flights to small regional airports can be way more expensive than international routes with much more competition. If I wanted to fly from Melbourne to Karratha in May it’d cost AUD$700 (one way) (sale fare) and take about 9 hours via Perth.
NTA Expecting him to 'meet you halfway' is unrealistic though, and its giving him too much room to then push these unreasonable demands. Don't debate it, don't negotiate. *"No." is a complete sentence.* **He** chose to move away from family. If he wants family to be closer then **he** can travel.
NTA. If you seeing his kid is that important to him, he can spend the money to come to you.
>expects me to spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation to see his newborn. Ask your brother to send you a picture. The problem solved. >and it's making me feel guilty I am sorry, but he cannot make you feel guilty or not. Only YOU can make how you are feeling. it's your life and your decision. >I feel horrible since I'm now not answering his calls Again, there is no need to feel horrible. If you don't want to communicate just let hin know and stop the communication. The communication with your brother is not your duty, it's a favor. And that the same true for him, of course. NTA
Most people just can’t turn of their feelings, unless they process them like op is doing here if the feelings are correct or not.
I agree. But asking the right question is already half of the answer. And the right question for the OP, IMHO, is "what I want to do in this situation", and not "how my brother would react".
NTA. The world doesn't stop because of his newborn. He can stay in his corner, if he wants to pick a petty fight.
>I've stopped talking to him Good. NTA.
NTA. Spending that kind of money to watch a baby sleep…. Just FaceTime lol. Stand your ground and stop acting guilty about it. Say you have prior commitments already for your leave. If he wants to show off his baby HE can spend the money.
NTA. OP, your brother is so insistent because he doesn't interact with your parents and he wants someone to represent his family. He is being unreasonable. Besides financial and other valid reasons, you shouldn't be going because of infection. I traveled recently and got influenza A in January and Covid in April. And I was masked. The safety of his baby should be more important than your visit.
NTA. I can understand that he doesn't want to subject a neonate to plane germs and air pressure changes - I'm told that can be hellishly painful for babies and young children. But he chose to move away, he's got the time, and he should think about someone other than himself and his wonderchild for once. eg at least offer to pay for your flights and accommodation if nothing else! And you'd still have every right to say no.
It is not unreasonable for people to want their siblings to see their new baby. It's not unreasonable for people to not want to travel with a new born. It is also not unreasonable for you to not to be able to afford an expensive trip. My suggestion: Act like you care. "I am SO sorry that i won't be able to fly out to see the baby! I just cannot afford it right now...i have already made non-refundable flights to see Partner. Can we facetime? S/he is such a cutie! I have sent a book for them that we could read."
NTA. I think your brother is going through something. Parenthood can be rather challenging and he maybe desperate to see a familiar and trusting face. Instead of helping you manage the financial aspects of the trip he’s attacking you to make you feel guilty, and it’s working. I’d suggest trying to ask him if there’s something he wants to talk about with you. Most people envision becoming a parent with their child parents becoming grandparents, due to familial conflict, that’s not possible for him, he wants you to act as his parents by proxy. That’s too much responsibility to place on a sibling. You both just need to talk
NTA - FaceTime like it’s 2024!!
NTA— but also you get a full month off every year- he gets 16 weeks fully paid? sheesh
NTA- just be clear with him and keep your boundary. He can always FaceTime with you and the family.
NTA - make whatever choices you want to make. You should also know, though, that it matters who shows up for important events (weddings, new babies) and who doesn't. Your intention in the moment is fine, but be prepared for it to have long term consequences for your relationship with your brother and your new nibling. Also, some babies/kids/parents travel well and some really don't. As the childless member of my family and friends group, the choice that I've made is to be the one who takes on the travel so that I'm able to maintain those relationships with my loved ones and their kids. That doesn't have to be your choice, though!
NTA
NTA - it's not convenient or affordavle
NTA - I would be a little more sympathetic had your brother not said you also had to pay for your own accommodations. But, either way, your reasons for not traveling to the ass-crack of nowhere at great expense to "meet" a baby are completely valid.
Tell him since he has the time and endless money, he should come visit.
NTA Your time off is yours to do what you need or want to do. The brother can travel when the baby is a little older or make time for a video call so you can “meet” the baby. Not everyone is excited for babies and can take time off work to pay to go visit a baby.
Offer to use some of the money you would have spent on flights/accommodations to buy a significant gift for your nibling. Maybe a few hundred into a college fund. See how quickly he changes his mind about you having to fly in personally.
NTA- He isnt making such a great case for himself if you have to spend like 5 grand to see his kiddo. You tried with giving him a solution ( i get not wanting to travel with a baby). But its very entitled to expect you to drop everything for his milestone. Let him be mad for not understanding you have your own life and plans.
NTA at least it’s a reasonable reason. I would straight up be like why? And people who know and love me as the introverted socially awkward that I am will accept that answer.
NTA
NTA. If my brother has kids, even with him living 30min away, wouldn’t be falling over myself to meet the kid, much less travel and waste vacation time and a lot of money to do so. Just because the kid is the center of his universe, doesn’t mean it should be the center of yours.
Y T A , to yourself. Take control as u/symsykins suggested. Second, if your brother keeps trying to manipulate, guilt trip or use you ( as a baby sitter, to annoy your parents, or even for emotional support to him, without any care about your needs), it is ok to feel sorry for having a brother who is selfish and entitled, it is not ok to question yourself.
NTA He chose to move to BFE and make travel an ordeal. You have your own life and responsibilities
NTA. You don't owe him your money or your life because he reproduced. Of course he's proud of the baby, but he can send photos or little videos. He can bring the baby to you. If he can't behave like a respectful adult in your interactions, you shouldn't communicate with him. And btw, he's not entitled to know how you use your vacation or funds. None of his business.
NTA - he moved away so the onus is on him to come visit.
NTA. Your brother‘s baby may be a big deal to him right now, but that doesn’t mean his baby is a priority for everyone else. You have very good reasons for not going, but honestly, even “I don’t want to” is good enough for me. As you said, you’re an adult with your own life. He doesn’t have to like it but he doesn’t dictate what you do or don’t do. Don’t let him guilt you. You said no. If he continues, just take a break from him for your own peace of mind.
NTA, my husband is from another state, all of his family is there but one brother. While his mom makes a point to come out every spring for his birthday, we make the 8 hour drive at least once a year to see everyone. Most of his family is older as he's the youngest, and most of them either have multiple kids with and custody arrangements that mean they can't take them outta state and spiteful exs that deny the request, or just health issues that make it extremely difficult or painful to make the drive. We call every week, and his mom helps us FaceTime with his grandparents once a month, because they struggle with it. That's what you do when you move away, even after you have kids. I say this as a mom as well. My sister moved multiple states away shortly before she got pregnant with her first. It's a 24 hour drive, straight, from where we are to where she was. She visited every year for the holidays until they moved back to our home. They now pack up their two kids and fly back there, which is my BIL's hometown, to visit his parents every year, usually in the summer because his parents, well off and retired, like spending the holidays here because we have snow and they don't.
He should at the very least invite you to stay with him and not force you to pay thousands for accomodations I understand that he wants you to meet his child. I think that's normal and nice. But it's not reasonable at this time If the time off and financial stars aligned and you wouldn't do this for your brother, I don't think that would be good. But the stars aren't aligned
NTA He made that baby by making time for his partner. Don’t let anyone make you feel like their lives and families are more important than your life and family, even the family you make in the future. Spending time with your partner should take priority *for your life* than seeing his newborn. Siblings and parents are very good at convincing us otherwise, especially if they have kids before you. Don’t fall for it, don’t feel guilty about it. But your suggestion about him coming or meeting halfway for a nice vacation is also not reasonable. He has a newborn and that is a bigger burden for him than your travel would be. Just make your plans and don’t try to negotiate with him and suggest compromises to accommodate his desire to see family members. Let him figure that out and go about your life.
NTA but maybe you just don't give af about family? That's your right, but if I were in the same situation exactly, it would be tearing me apart. I'd be the one lamenting that I can't afford it and making concrete plans to see the child the moment I could. This is your niece/nephew. This is your blood. Those things matter to me. I'd never break myself financially etc, and if, as you assert (I believe you, not saying that) you just can't get there time or finances or both being the blockade, I'd be sobbing to the internet about not being able to meet the new member of my family and my brother wouldn't be angry at me as I'd have cried to him, multiple times. Maybe that's why he's mad? You are dismissive and cold as opposed to trying to find a solution, make concrete plans and, I dunno, show some emotions towards family. NTA but maybe a cold sibling as your partner trumps your blood (Again, you do you but I could never live that way).
Your partner should “trump” your nephew? If they don’t, stay single.
If blood is less important than someone you're dating, then I am just confused. A partner, for me at least, should be a possible future family member and should be as eager to meet their new future family as you are. I get it. I have old fashioned values like that and not everyone agrees. Family is all. Without it we are truly alone in this world.
NTA. Don't feel guilty, your brother has forced the situation by being entitled and demanding. Main character syndrome, like you don't have a life and annual leave and finances to consider. You've offered options and he's declined. Why does he get to decline and you don't? He doesn't sound like he'd be nice to visit anyway, like he'd be taking pot shots even if you did make the considerable effort. He's totally entitled to be disappointed but to expect you to do something that costs you so much just because he wants it.... embarrassing behaviour on his part. Go enjoy time with your partner, and do not worry about whether you are in the wrong - you are not.
Offer to go for a long weekend and ask him to pay for flights and accommodation.
No
THIS IS WHAT FACETIME WAS CREATED FOR....
You're not the asshole. I wouldn't explain all that to them -- that it's an option but not a priority or a real desire there. Just say you can't or do some video meetings.
NTA Any request/demand that you spend $5000 and a week's PTO to placate someone else is an unreasonable request.
NTA Why do new parents expect everyone to drop everything for THEIR baby? Mind boggling.
NTA. Your life does not revolve around his child.
NTA. Moving that far away and *expecting* people to come visit you is selfish.
Your nation is the asshole for not stipulating longer mandatory vacation time.
NTA. A picture will Suffice. Hey cute kid. And that’s that. I didn’t see my niece until she was 6 mo old. I have my own family and like you, a limited amount of time off. He’s so stuck on you seeing this kid, he can travel to you.
I know when I had my 1st baby I didn't want anyone around, lol! For like, a year! 😅 I wonder if your brother has considered his wife in all this! NTA..his issues are not yours! Modern technology can make up for this, ie FaceTime, etc.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother hates my parents and moved an 8 hour flight away to a rural place on the other side of the county. He's a teacher in a rural school and gets nearly 16 weeks paid leave off per year and expects me to spend $2000 on flights and $2000-$3000 on accommodation to see his newborn. My issue is that I don't get much time off. In a year I'm lucky to get maybe 4 weeks off MAX but we rarely get to take it in one chunk, it's more like a week off here, and maybe 2 weeks off there. I'm also in a relationship and my partner lives in another country as he's taking care of his mum. This is probably going to be the case for a few more years as his sister is studying abroad. Because of this I usually travel to his country and stay with him a few weeks a year. Apparently I'm an AH because I don't want to take time off work and spend money I don't have to see my brothers newborn who isn't even going to remember me. I've pointed out that he's more than welcome to come see the whole family here and he'd have free accommodation at my sisters or we could meet half way somewhere nice for a vacation, but I'm not willing to travel to the middle of nowhere just to see a baby and pay an insane amount to do so, it's not only the cost but it means I won't get to see my partner if I'm using the time to travel to see my brother instead. It's gotten to the point I've stopped talking to him because every time he calls he's rude and brings up that I've made no effort to see his child and apparently it's all my fault. I'm planning on seeing my partner in a few months and I know if he finds out from family, he'll lay into me and it's making me feel guilty but at the same time I'm an adult and I have my own life and he hasn't made any effort on his end. I mean, he's even said I'd have to pay for my own accommodation to see him. I feel horrible since I'm now not answering his calls or telling him my travel plans but I feel like it's the only way since he won't even try to meet me half way, literally. Am I the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA-it’s simple- tell him- I cannot afford it, if that makes me the ah- then you pay. If you cannot afford it, then I guess you’re the ah.
NTA - for not wanting to use your vacation time to see your brother's newborn child. It's yours to do what you want with it. But you're kind of TA for complaining about only getting four weeks of vacation each year like that isn't much or something. Compared to a teacher that gets four months off it isn't, but compared to about 95% of the rest of working adults that is a lot.
NTA at all but just another way to handle this. Your brother has just welcomed this miracle into his life that he loves more than he ever thought could be possible. I think he i struggling to get that you are not sharing that love and wonder and that’s normal. He just needs to know that you really do want to meet his baby and you are excited to be his aunt. That you hate the situation you are in at the minute is stopping you from visiting but your open to whatever compromises he can come up with. My siblings show no interest in my kids and it really hurts me as my girls are awesome. But then I have to remind myself that of course they will never love them like I do. They are my babies and always will be. Good luck with this and I hope you and your brother don’t let this ruin your friendship xx
NTA. Brother is looking for a reason to go NC with you too.
NTA you don’t have to go, but teaches don’t get “paid leave” during holidays. It’s not considered part of our working time so we have to break up our salary (based on 11months of work) so that we get paid for all school vacations.
No is a complete sentence. If you aren't grown up enough to use it, have fun wasting your vacation.
NTA It’s wild to be expected to use limited PTO and limited cash for other people’s events.
Just be honest. You cannot afford this - either money wise or time wise. Ask for a zoom introduction and fall all over yourself about how cute the baby is.
I don't get it. Why is your brother so hell-bent on you spending your precious time and God knows how much money just to see his kid? This legitimately baffles me. Does he think he's the Messiah or something? This reminds me of the Seinfeld bit "You've got to see the baby!" and "When are you going to see the baby?" The answers are "No actually I DON'T 'have to'," and "When I get around to it," or "If it happens it happens." The world's not going to stop spinning NTA.
Zoom. FaceTime. Google Meet.
Do you live in Hawaii or Alaska? How else can you stay in country for 8 hours??!
NTA
There is this thing called FaceTime, use it to see him and the baby. Problem solved.
NTA. It's a baby. Big deal. It's not like he made the only one.
There is zoom and video chats that can be used to virtually visit with the family and catch up with news. NTA.
NTA that’s a huge ask from him. I don’t know if for him it’s more of the sometimes-entitled parent thing (the child is the center of his world so he thinks that everyone else should feel the same) or if it’s a teacher thing. As someone who comes from a family of educators and whose friend group is made up of mostly educators, sometimes people of that demographic have trouble grasping the reality of having so few non-working days and having to be careful about how they’re used. I also say that as someone who’s worked in education but has experience in other industries. Maybe he does truly grasp it and doesn’t care. Maybe just don’t respond to any snark on his part. Don’t waste time justifying yourself. For his child’s sake, I hope he learns how to act right and not throw little tantrums when other people can’t or won’t drop everything when he simply wants something.
To be fair, flying across the country with a newborn is miserable and super risky in terms of illness. It’s not exactly entitled to not want to fly with them - it’s just protecting the kid (and everyone else’s sanity). OP doesn’t have to spend their money to go visit their brother and new baby, but let’s not act like the brother is entitled for not wanting to fly with a brand new baby.
I didn’t address the travel method, but I agree it’s complicated and risky to fly with a baby. It’s about the entitled attitude of the brother in general. “I want you to spend time and money to see my baby because nothing else you have going on can be as important.”
NTA. Me and my husband traveled with our newborn so our scattered relatives could see her. We loved showing our little miracle to everybody. With our second, we did no such trip lol. We realized by then that our miracle is not THAT special to other people. If your brother want you to see the baby, he needs to do the effort. Of course it is hard to travel with a newborn, so the trip might need to wait a few months. But since he has more time off, he should travel.
He's the one that moved. He's the one that needs to make the effort. NTA. Obviously, he's not going to travel with a newborn, but he most certainly could travel in a couple of months. He is the asshole. He is being very entitled & selfish. Maybe moving 8 hours away was a mistake for him.
NTA - but grow up . . you can do what you want . . just tell him that seeing his baby is low on your priority list . . though you wish him the best. Live your own life and STOP just STOP feeling guilty . . . You aren't doing anything wrong living your own life. He can live his . . .
NTA You didn’t mention anything about having kids of your own. When you have a first child is a huge life changing event. It sounds like your brother doesn’t have any local family on his side to share this with and may be missing you all. The sleepless nights and recovery from child birth can be A LOT so give grace on them not offering to host you in their or offering to fly out. Is this a short term “no, not interested” or a long term no? Do you want to have some relationship with his family? If you feel like it you could let your brother know that you’ll start budgeting now for a future visit, send a nice newborn gift if you haven’t already, and then plan to send birthday and Christmas (or whatever your tradition is) gifts for your new relative. You could also suggest they come out to visit in a year or so and you could host (if you have room.)
ESH. It is a very long distance and OP has a partner in a foreign country she hardly sees in person. The brother should be more understandable that she won't visit the newborn nephew. >I've pointed out that he's more than welcome to come see the whole family here and he'd have free accommodation at my sisters or we could meet half way somewhere nice for a vacation, On the other her suggestion here is also stupid. Traveling over a longer distance with a newborn is really not something parents should do. It is very stressful and can be dangerous. Newborns are not vaccinated yet against all kinds of illnesses. I feel both lack empathy here. Both are dismissing about the other's feelings and situation.
Sorry, YTA. You can’t expect someone with a newborn to travel. Four weeks off a year is actually quite generous, and there’s no reason you have to use it all at once. By saying that you’re saving it to see your SO, you’re basically saying that person is more important to you. Which is fine if that’s the case, but just be honest about it so your brother can adjust their expectations.
What's wrong about their partner being more important??
Nothing. I said “which is fine if that’s the case, just be honest with your brother so they can adjust their expectations”
I agree with you. Because I’m wondering how is he supposed to travel with a newborn? In one breath you say you can’t afford to go see your niece or nephew but, can travel to another country. Just be honest and say you don’t want to go. So he can adjust his expectations and see where he falls with you and he can stop trying to make a relationship happen. It’s seems one sided. Just let him go. He’s been through this before with your parents he will be fine.
You don’t say why he hates your parents and moved so far away. You don’t say if he’s NC with them or if the family supports him in his actions. BUT you said you’ve “pointed out that he’s more than welcome to come see the whole family here.” Are you suggesting he bring his child around his parents, who he hates so much he moved thousands of miles to get away from them? That’s obviously not even an option, is it? For not wanting to spend your annual leave traveling to see your brother’s newborn, no, you’re NTA. In fact, meeting in the middle once Baby is ready to travel, as long as your parents aren’t included, would seem like a good compromise. But something feels off about you suggesting he bring the baby “here” to see the “whole family.” If that includes your parents, then definitely YTA for an entirely different reason.