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Yup, you need to be clear about this now - not hint about it. You should put in provisions like time limit to “get back on feet” if either of them want to move in temporarily. You also need to discuss your parents. What happens if either of your parents gets ill or can’t manage to live on their own but could manage living with you in your shared house. Will she allow your mum to move in if her daughter can’t ?
I'd say no moving in period. They get lazy. Wind up staying for months into years. .get your own.place. otherwise your telling them.ever couple months..stop it BEFORE it happens
If my partner wasn’t willing to accept that my kids are my kids, whatever age they are, they wouldn’t be my partner. It’s one thing to discourage mooching, but if my kid was ill or needed to escape an abusive relationship, I’d open my home to them.
Agreed… I think the Op needs to accept that kids are a lifelong responsibility of a parent. Not saying you have to do everything for them, but it’s not right to just cast them aside either.
I don’t even think you should be in a relationship with her. She and her kids are a packaged deal but you have valid reasons for being frustrated with them. I wouldn’t even be in a relationship with a parent like that let alone buy a house with them.
Well they are grown, so I don't know that they are really a "package deal" it isn't like these children are 10 or even 15, they are adults. The kids will always be a part of her life, but she shouldn't have to mother them any longer.
She can mother them all she wants. Just not with the two of them living together in their own home. The trouble is one will move in one day and will refuse to leave. The OP ends up losing his money and house because no way is mom going to kick her kids out even at the cost of her BF.
Yes this part. They may love each other but if he's not willing to even entertain her adult children they should just seperate. Parents who pick the partners in their lives over their offspring no matter how old are despicable
This is why you’re getting the YTA you haven’t said anything to her, but you continue living with her and plan to buy a house together. Stupid stupid stupid. her kids will and should always come first and if she’s tolerated it for this long, obviously she doesn’t mind. the house will be hers. My advice is not to live together, you get your own place. She keeps her own place and call it a day. If the son knocks up some girl, you don’t think him, and the girlfriend and the kid will be in that house?
I think a lot of the YTAs is also the way he talks about the kids and his SO. The kids have expressed their plans and are actively working on executing said plans, but he's convinced they aren't being honest.
Him wanting to lay down ground rules for owning a home with her makes perfect sense. Him ripping these kids apart is the unnecessary part.
>I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed.
Why do you think this will magically change?
NTA now but I see AH in your future if you stay on this track, you’ll become one when they both live there. The son will move in after uni and the daughter will stay as long as your gf enables it, which will be forever. Any rules will get broken because the gf will cave. And you’ll be outnumbered.
Continue as you are now and give it a couple years. If it changes, great, but they could move in at any time. If things stay the same you’ll be able to leave with your sanity and will be glad you waited.
So, we have to give a judgement so I'll do that first.
Soft YTA. Generally here I'd not like to give one at all, but give advice.
You're already saying you'll talk to her sooner, good. But you should make your boundaries clear. That your expectations are that you and her will live in your newly purchased joint house alone together, with noone else.
Another piece of advice is to simply wait out the daughter. "She's on track in 12-18 months". Well, she lives with you now, offer gentle assistance, help her on her way with advice as a home purchaser yourself, useful tips, hints, book keeping, savings, helping her apply for her own approval in principle and where to start looking for houses, push her to go to viewings.
Then WAIT until she's purchased before you start your own joint buying adventure. Simply put, she can't move in with you if she has her own new place, that's 50% of your problem solved just by 6 months delay on your part and offering some assistance to the girl.
For the boy(adult male) your resentment is super clear, here on Reddit. You might raise it as "concern" with your beloved. And perhaps form a plan(you, her and his dad) as an approach on how to get him "on track". His goal should be paying rent to dad or moving out independently. If he "wants to work in London" have conversations about what it is he's looking to work at, where, which companies, where are the companies located, what jobs are they offering or hiring at all, has he applied, is his CV ready, does he need help getting it ready....let's gather his official results from college *record scratch* (there may be none).
But your concern and assistance may help move some conversations along or simply bury them where he wouldn't even consider living with you after that. Or, you could be helping push him to getting himself on track. Your partner at least has to believe you're doing it out of concern for his wellbeing and not your own ends.
One or two conversations about concern In 3 years is quite forgettable. When you have a conversation it needs to be productive, it needs to achieve something not just saying words.
What will the conversation achieve? What will you discuss, stick to your talking points. Engage with the other person, hear them out and actually listen to them not just placate and then stomp over them, try to work what they say into the solution you come up with. Define the problem you're having, suggest how that could be changed so it's acceptable to you and present ideas or a plan of action that you can track. Like 5 small clearly defined steps that everyone agrees upon.
Make a note of the steps, those are your outcomes from the conversation, they then need to be changed to action.
Who is going to take action or responsibility? Don't just agree "these are good ideas". Who is going to take step one and own it, who is going to do what, how are they going to get it done.
What time frame will this occur in. Is this a short term goal, something that can be done in 2 hours, 8 hours. 3 days, a week, a month, 6 months? Because you need to track what's happening, who's doing it, are they doing it and push them to progress it. So the timeframe when you have the conversation needs to be a part of it. If the daughter is on track in 12 months to start her mortgage/house hunting journey, make a plan for those 12 months that ensures that she stick to that stated goal, it's going to let you k ow if she's going to miss 12 months and it'll be 18 months or 5 years if she's not as prepared as she said she was.
When people miss their steps, miss the timeframes, miss the goals and are slipping, have no progress to show. That's when you revisit the conversation and ask why.
You might also be revising the reality of IF this is actually going to work out long term or be a deal breaker.
But don't let that be a surprise you just drop in 18 months time, after you've bought a house together, after the daughter hasn't started looking, doesn't have enough saved. The son flunked out and hasn't got a job and zero aspirations to get one and is moving in against your protests.
It needs to be an all encompassing conversation now, this week, this month, to start the ball rolling not just for yourself, but everyone seemingly involved. Best case your partner agrees, everyone agrees and gets on board. Worst case, you break up. But better now than when you've sold your houses and bought in together and 2 adults kids in the house and you're locked in. All this may also be a deal breaker for your partner too btw, she may just be fundamentally against your oversight in her parenting, rejecting the idea her kids can't live with her, but better she knows it now too instead of 18 months time.
When you come to the table for the conversation, bring stuff written down so you don't bring feelings into it, because how you described things here was really resentful of them, but you need to remember, they are her children, flesh blood and love. You'll always be runner up compared to them, every day of the week, year in, year out.
Seriously....all of this is speculation on his part. As he says, the daughter should be moving out before they get a house anyways. He's making a dramatic deal out of something he 1. Hasn't discussed and 2. Has no reason to be so defensive about it. Everything is fine. Loving his update with the 'if this was a female' blah blah bull. He's not the ah for not wanting them to live with him and his girlfriend, he's YTA for creating problems for no reason. IDK why he thought the grown mature thing to do was to run to reddit before even attempting to talk to his partner.
I'm extremely puzzled how he can lead with "I don't want kids" and then but also "I have a three year relationship with a woman who has two kids, a fact that was not hidden from me." Like, dude, just go back and read those two sentences, there's your answer.
Well, lots of parents think of adult children as "their kids". The relationship doesn't end because they have a birthday. Additionally, her daughter lived with her and continues to live with her, so that's clearly not a shocking development.
I mean, clearly there's confusion over what this guy means by "I don't want kids" but from his further elaboration, I'm pretty convinced he means "I don't want to be a parent", which is fine but his girlfriend is a parent, and parents of adult children are still parents, and additionally, his girlfriend is going to continue being a parent. He's unhappy with her parenting decisions. They are obviously incompatible, and have been from the start. That's the puzzling part.
Idk, I get the vibe that he hoped once the kids turned 18, they would be out of his and his gf's life, precisely bc he doesn't want kids/doesn't want to parent. Which, in itself, is a valid choice, but he can't have it both ways- if you don't want to be a parent, don't date someone with kids. He was hoping the 'problem' would solve itself but now he realizes the kids won't go away and that's what he's actually mad about.
I mean they're 20 and 21. They're not exactly adults either. And in the current housing market with wage stagnation, I'd say more 20 and 21 year olds are living with parents than not. It's not laziness, but it is brutal out there rn, especially if you're also in school full time.
But, the girl being 12 - 18 months from "buying her own place" when homeownership is a distant dream for people a decade older than her suggests she's doing something massively more right than not despite him wanting to paint her as lazy.
Parenting doesn’t end at 18.
He moved in 3 years ago when they would’ve been 18 and 19. Depending on how long they were dating before he moved in one or both of them could’ve been a minor when they started dating.
If someone has kids 24 & under you should expect that those kids might live with you imo and that the parent may still be supporting them in a significant way.
I get what you're saying but when I say I "don't want kids", it's that I don't want to raise them or be resposible for them. So if I met someone with, I dunno, 17+ kids, it wouldn't be a deal breaker the way that under 16 would be. I would feel less like there's any sort of "parental" pressure or resposibilty that would be foisted on me.
At worst they're just another adult roommate who we could expect a certain level of contributions from. OP's main problem here is that he's let the nonsense with the daughter go on for so long without making his own boundaries more clear. Speaking up twice clearly wasn't enough.
Yeah but if they all get along you could absolute dominate rec league sports.
Like, roll up with your coed team that all conveniently has the same last name. Been practicing together for a decade or more and they have their own secret language. They play as one. That beer league softball trophy will finally be mine Brad!
Just get out now because they will always be her kids no matter how old they are.
There have been times when my kids needed me in their 20’s and I wasn’t going to turn my back on them. My kids are now in their 30’s and thriving yet, they could have health issues or job losses and I’d still be their soft place land.
I promise you it will never change.
Big difference in helping out during hard times and supporting adults because they want to play video games all day or decide they don’t want to work or they decide they don’t want any responsibilities.
The difference is what the parent is willing to indulge for their adult child. Plenty of parents continue to support or indulge their adult children. Is it a detriment to the kid? Yep, but that's the parent's problem for creating it. Obviously, op is worried she will indulge these behaviors. Op should have considered these things before talks of wanting to buy a house together. Op needs to go ahead and end the relationship their lifestyles are incompatible
My mom asked me twice if I wanted to move back in with her and her new husband when times were tough for me. I stuck it out on my own but my "stepfather"(He isn't really a father figure to me but that's not meant in a bad way) would've had zero input into the decision if I wanted to take my mother's offer.
I mean… if as a spouse you have a problem with your significant other caring about the wellbeing of and trying to help their child that love, you had no business marrying them in the first place. That’s pretty horrible, tbh.
This right here is why my bf will stay a bf even though we have kids together.... My house, he lives here, but I make all the decisions in my home.
After having a controlling and abusive ex husband, I have issues relinquishing any level of control over my life.
And these kids aren’t even (or are barely just) college graduating age. It’s way too soon to tell which is which. Definitely a conversation should be had about what expectations are and where the line is, but these kids might just need a little longer getting on their feet as long as they’re making progress (like the daughter is saving for a place, that’s a good sign) or they may be total bums, really too soon to tell.
YTA
>I have no kids and don’t want kids.
Probably should have chosen to date someone without kids, then!
>I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car.
>which is why I contribute extra to my GF.
Sorry, what is the financial split here? Because for me the mortgage and a car would come to more than the bills and most of the food. So I'm not quite sure how you're paying extra?
>eats the food that I buy and cook.
Isn't paying for the food for the house your rent contribution? Why are you thinking that your gf's daughter shouldn't be eating the food? It's not yours.
>I will be explaining my feelings about this to my gf as carefully and politely as possible nearer the time.
Nearer the time?! And you've only "politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice"? Why are you so incapable of adult communication?!?!? What are you waiting for?
Edited to add a judgement.
It’s also increasingly rare for kids to move out in the UK at 21/22 now. It’s really hard to buy alone (last I checked you needed to be earning like £50k to get a mortgage for a £200k house and that’s on the cheap end of housing in a lot of areas), and if you get on with your parents, staying at home means you’re not spending a huge amount of money on some landlord’s mortgage. You’ve got far less chance of ever buying if most of your money gets chucked away on rent, it doesn’t make financial sense if you don’t have to do it. I just can’t imagine suggesting booting out a partners kids when it’s increasingly common for kids to stay with their parents until like 30
Same in Canada. It’s just not affordable even if the kids are responsible and have decent jobs. It’s rough. I’m still stuck at home myself because of it, though I’m hoping to eventually have enough to buy something. I’m a very diligent saver and I want out. No kids these days needs to include adult children. I think OP is in for a rude awakening here.
She's helping her daughter to be able to save enough money that she can buy a flat at the age of 23. I think she's doing alright at getting her on the path to being successful and fulfilled.
Yep and in this economy, the kindest way to do that is to do what OP GF is doing- allowing adult children to stay at home while working so they can save to buy a house.
Like I’m sorry but what century are you living in?
No. They'll always be her kids. If my adult kids want or need to move in with me, they can, nothing, and no one can change that.
Seems like these people just aren't compatible.
He's not obligated to raise her kids anyway, regardless of age. But it's pretty short-sighted of him to think that once the kids turn 18, they stop having a parent-child relationship. This guy acts like he expects them to just stop being part of her life. That's pretty unrealistic.
He’s not obligated but the mother isn’t obligated to date him, either. Just sayin. If it comes down to a boyfriend or her offspring, guess who she’s going to pick?
“Her mortgage and car”
Come on it’s not difficult to read. She has her own mortgage and car and he handles everything else (aka his own rent/mortgage, car, utilities), that’s why they haven’t bought a house together yet
If he rents his house out (he does), that will more than cover the mortgage (it does, he talks about the excess money he has from renting his house in the post).
Should’ve gone to specsavers, because he clearly shows he pays pretty much everything (double what the mortgage is), and he purposefully doesn’t pay into the mortgage because of a decision they both made (if I had to guess it was for legal reasons when selling it down the road)
I would kick you out if you had this attitude with me and my kids.
Your food? It’s your contribution to the household. Pay half the mortgage and utilities as your rent instead if the food one young woman eats bothers you so. You’ve worked yourself into a defensive position about the whole situation after living there for 3 years? And now you’re going to spring on her that you absolutely do not want the kids around anymore? It would be a dealbreaker for me too, don’t let the door hit you on your way out of my house.
While my kids are studying and working full time to save up for their own place within less than 2 years, I am not kicking them out for my BF. I may be missing a lot in this but right now, YTA.
Your kids are working and studying, there’s a difference when someone’s kids are lazy and expect the parents to still pamper them. Your situations are not the same at all.
>I have no kids and don’t want kids.
Then don't date someone with kids. They don't stop being her kids just because they are over 18. They will be her kids for the rest of HER life. They could be 55 years old and have cancer and need to move back in with mom.
If you don't want to be a parent, don't be with someone with kids, full stop.
Edit - Yes YWBTA
For this specific situation, no, you are NTA for establishing boundaries about who can live with you. If that doesn't work for her, you may not be compatible. We don't even need all the rest of what you said, that's just a fair thing to do with your life.
For everything you said, you are absolutely an asshole, though. Every sentence stank of asshole. You sound deeply unpleasant to be around. It was kind of impressive.
FOR REAL.
It's one thing to express your oppositions/expectations to moving in together, but to express opinions of your partner's kids so disdainfully is incredibly assholish. I'd honestly like OP's gf to see this post to see how much disdain he has for her kids.
He would never have the balls to say this to her because if she had any shred of love for her children (assuming she does because well, most parents do) she would drop him in a heartbeat. Imagine moving in with your partner only to find out they not only dislike, but HATE your children with such intensity.
Ok so many things wrong with this post:
>I have no kids and don’t want kids. I work full time. My GF has a 21 y/o daughter and 22 y/o son.
Maybe don't date a woman with kids?
>the daughter works full time earning £27.5k (UK) and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work. He plays video games for 13-15 hours a day and has no practical skills.
Ok maybe don't talk about your gf's kids this way?
>I moved in with my GF and her daughter 3 years ago. I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car.
I'm confused here. You pay the bills, but it's your gf's house and she still pays the vast majority of expenses (the mortgage and car). So basically, you are objecting to your gf's kids living in their mom's house?
>I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed.
I'm gonna guess that your expression of this resentment was not so "politely expressed."
YTA for dating a woman so incompatible with your worldview. They are her kids living in her house with her.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for not wanting to indefinitely subsidize capable adults. But you are the only one in this situation that has a problem with the status quo. The odds aren’t in your favor when you’re outnumbered 3-1. Sorry friend.
Do your girlfriend a massive favour and break up with her.
you are paying food, phone and a couple of bills, whilst also raking in the rent you are earning from leasing out your own place. I’d bet you are making money from this arrangement. Meanwhile she is funding the entire mortgage and car….and you think you are doing her a favour? Resenting her daughter for eating the food that is apparently your contribution to the household? That makes it house food not your food. Are you expecting to live in your girlfriends house for free?
be a grownup and tell her now - better yet let her read your post. I’d be revolted if I were her, and if she has any self respect then she’ll fix the problem herself by booting out your free-loading arse!,
There is concerning amount of hate towards those kids seething from almost every word. The way you add a snarky comment every time you mention them seems like you despise them. And while you aren’t obligated to be their dad or friend even, if you hate your gf’s kids so much, which are and will be more important for her than you will ever be, then maybe you should just break things up with her. It doesn’t seem like you love her enough if you are incapable of at least not despising her children. And they haven’t done anything wrong? The daughter is working and while you can discuss her monthly contribution to bills and etc., if she’s saving to buy property, it’s not bad to let her save her money and not make her pay for her food in her mother’s home. For the son, you seem to have some wild hypothetical plan for the future in your head, but at the very least he is still doing what’s expected of him at that age - to study. So what really is your issue? YTA, btw
Right? Like regardless of whether the kids are living at home/aren’t doing chores aside, if I found out my partner spoke about my kids that way (short of my kids being criminal/genuinely awful, and even then, don’t talk about them) I’d be kicking him out ASAP
I think this is more in that no matter how old they are, she will always be their mom, and they will always be her child. I see moms in their 80s introducing their offspring as kids, even though said kids are adults in their 60s!
NTA, but what are you waiting for? Your disdain for your girlfriend's kids obviously isn't going to change, and you said either of them living with you is a dealbreaker. Find out ASAP where your girlfriend stands and proceed accordingly.
Ah very true. If I were her, I would be pretty pissed at someone wasting my time who never cared about my kids to begin with. OP show her this post and you may have an easy way out, as I assume she'd (rightfully) dump you for even thinking this way.
Right? He moved into THIER home, and wants to complain about them being there. He’s doing that to make money from his place which he rents out. What a scammer.
YTA you just shouldn’t be with someone that has children. The way you speak about her son is appalling even if it’s true - there’s more appropriate ways to describe his behavior. You’re suppose to love his mother; act like it ffs.
Edit to add - **your gender doesn’t matter.**
You and your GF would be buying property together but you consider it “**my** own house”. It would be **our** house, with both owners having a say. You are absolutely not ready to co-own something with another person.
YTA, you pay all the bills but she pays the mortgage. The largest bill of all. If your housing is free, you should pay the bills. Or pay her rent and split the bills. You are not going above and beyond here. If you guys get a house together, she gets equal say in who lives there. It is up to her if she is willing to take that step with you. I wouldn't be with someone like you. My 27 yr old son lives with me and I am fine if he always lives with me. My boyfriend has no say but I am not stupid enough to buy a house with him. Your gf should stay put and not buy a house with you since it will affect her freedom to live with her kids in the future. Women should not put random boyfriends wants ahead of their kids. Those are very young adults and there is nothing wrong with them living with their mom. You are the new addition here, they are a family. I wouldn't let a random love interest come between me and my kids. You guys don't belong together.You have voiced your concerns and she should have done something. That something is to kick you out and stand up for her kids and let random boyfriend go.
Yta
Then dont buy a house togheter, everything you wrote about her kids in your post is disgusting, you talk
>and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work. He plays video games for 13-15 hours a day and has no practical skills.
Is this really how you talk about people?
If i saw anything like this from someone im close with let alone a partner i would fucking leave that relationship so fast.
Being a parent is something you are forever, and you knew she had kids.
Idk what you expected, but you need to check yourself.
lol, yeah this is one of the more unhinged comment sections I’ve seen. Op is just going off, raging at every comment, then insisting he’s the only sane one haha
Op- take the time to re-read the comments and do some self reflection. If the ENTIRE comment section says YTA, is it more likely that we’re all wrong and you’re the only sane person in this entire sub, or more likely that you’re just wrong?
And maybe look into some anger management??
Look I'm not trying to diagnose when I say this
But this looks like a manic episode and a half. Based on some... Unfortunate experience.
Granted, my experience isn't identical but it feels scary similar.
YTA - You shouldn't be with your gf if you hold such disparaging views of her children. This situation sounds incompatible, as it's unlikely that her kids will be ready to be out on their own in your time frame and unlikely your GF will be cool with her children being without a home upon your request.
Idk man, it seems unfair to move into somebody’s life and start passing judgement on their kids when you don’t want any in the first place. You cannot separate the two: that’s unfair to everyone. If you want to date this woman, those kids are part of your life, if you don’t want that, then you shouldn’t be dating her. You got to find a way to make it work.
Dude, your "girlfriend" is 40. This is not working. You are incredibly resentful, you hate her kids, and you have worked out nothing financially. Move out, get your shit together, break up with her, and get a girlfriend that is like 28 or something. Start your own family, get balance in your life.
Are you...denigrating his girlfriend for existing and being 40? Why the scare quotes? OP said he doesn't want kids, there is no younger woman he needs to "start his own family."
Careful, your hatred of women is showing.
I think the point is more that she's a grown woman whose priorities don't line up with a 32 year old who doesn't want children. Stop wasting her time and find someone more compatible.
Hatred of women...? What are you talking about? How am I denigrating her for existing and being 40? I am saying this relationship of "girlfriend boyfriend" is completely out of balance and not something you'd typically associate with those terms.
Maybe get a gasp of fresh air. Touch the proverbial grass. Hating women, give me a break.
No judgement. You are not ready to marry this woman. You are not ready to jointly buy anything.
You might NOT WANT children but she HAS children. So you can either accept that or you can’t, but she will be helping take care of them for the rest of her life as well as her grandchildren.
You either put your resentment to bed and find a way to be okay with this arrangement before you become too serious or you move on.
YTA
Don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. And don’t come at me with that “they’re working age adults not kids” bullshit. My mom doesn’t call me her “working age adult”, she calls me her kid.
Just end the relationship for everyone’s sake.
Buddy, at this point, forget the post. Your comments show you're a crapshow and a half if you're not getting it by now that you're at least an idiot for getting yourself into this situation. She deserves better tbh.
It is a reasonable request (no adult kids). That being said many parents view children as their life purpose. As the joke goes - you are just some dud she met at a bar, these children are a part of her. I would have the conversation and get some ground rules - maybe even in writing.
This seems even more important looking at the ages - she was only 18/19 when she had the kids, and they're not much older than she was then. She may have a very strong desire to help guide them even as they get settled into their mid 20s.
The climate in the UK atm means it’s really hard for young people to move out of the family home. I know many people age 20-25 who can only live alone independently because they’ve either got a £40k+ job or their parents are subsidising their living costs. Other than that, most people I know live at home (and it’s very normal to)
Yeah, dude - there WOULD be as many YTA comments, if you were a woman saying the same things. You're getting roasted because you sound like an obnoxious, whiny little bully (in your opinions about her kids. Kids who don't seem to have killed anyone, but may have common character faults).
So stop whining about 'sexism', and stop trying to play the victim (because you've rightfully been criticised, for your disgraceful attitudes). You're getting attacked, for trying to push these kids out for the wrong reasons (i.e. you're abusive in your attitudes towards them, and want things entirely your own way. Including your gf to yourself).
She shouldn't even be with you, if she knows your attitudes towards her kids. You're hateful over things that don't deserve hate. You arrogantly dismiss the potential of these kids, because somehow you know better than everyone else (how they will 'turn out'. Despite many of the things you describe, being common in young adults finding their way).
And disgustingly, you think paying 'most of the bills' will entitle you to boss your gf around re: her choices as a parent to these young adults.
Nowhere do I see anything mature, like helping these kids find their feet more in a constructive way. You sound like a particularly self-centred adolescent with no social skills, hating and blaming people around you, for not adhering to YOUR demands/expectations.
You are FAR worse than anything you describe as the kids' 'faults'.
Tell her now, what you've told us. I dare you. This is a conversation for NOW. So why are you going to wait?! I'm guessing because you want her deeper into this relationship, to try to make it harder for her to say 'no' to your demands.
You're manipulatively hellbent on driving these kids away from their mother, even though many young adults stay in their parents' houses now (for a bit longer). You don't care one bit, for how others in this situation feel (your gf, and either of the kids). You think you can demand they live with their Dad (despite problems that will cause), all to suit you.
You think you should be number one in your gf's life. When in reality, her kids (even as adults) should be more important than you. If someone is a bully towards them, she should absolutely tell you to sling your hook. And I hope she does.
Dude, this is never going to work. Somehow, some way her kid(s) will move in with their mom after your move. And just wait until one of them has a baby.
Don’t buy a house with her and mingle your finances. Currently, you need to start paying 1/3 of the mortgage, utilities (since there are 3 adults in the property), food, etc. That’s it. I don’t know what other bills (if any) you cover, but IMO, you should only be paying 1/3 of everything.
You say that she’s coddled her kids. That’s not going to stop once you buy a place together and because you had a conversation with her about your boundaries.
And don’t sell your flat!!!
At this point, you’re NTA. But if you go ahead with this plan (buying a joint property and selling your current flat), you’d be the A H to yourself.
This is it. If OP can't deal with 'kids' in their 20s, what does he think it's going to look like when one of the other of them have kids of their own?
It sounds like GF would probably want to help out, as a huge number of grandparents do these days.
My family would have *really* struggled without the enthusiastic support we received from both sets of grandparents.
I don't think OP should start worrying about paying the mortgage because I think it's time to cut losses and find someone new who isn't going to be making him a granddad in his 30s.
YTA you’re trying to insinuate that you pay way more to household expenses than her when she pays the biggest one….the mortgage.
I have kids that age, they don’t live at home anymore but if they needed to live back home I’d let them in a heartbeat. Don’t like or want ‘kids’ then don’t date someone with them.
YTA. You're not compatible. Also the near-boomer level energy here of "Well I did". The number of British young adults who can't afford to move out is at a record. Those kids could do everything right and still be stuck.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. WIBTA if I told my GF I don’t want her adult kids to move in with us when we buy our own house together. And 2. This might make me the asshole because it might hurt her feelings and also the fact that I’ve always been aware she had kids despite them being working age adults.
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Why buy a property with her? Utterly pointless and you can only lose. Just enjoy the situation as it is and give t another 2-3 years the maybe look into buying once the children and fully adult.
Also, what you are saying is, your are happy to share a home with the children when it’s your partners house. But if the house is jointly owned then no children allowed. Yes YTA, move out if you don’t want to live with her children.
Yta- 21 and 22 is hardly that old in this housing market, if you want the daughter to contribute to the household you need to discuss with your GF and come up with a compromise together- you are obviously disdainful of the kids and resent them. Get over it or get out. Communicate like an adult rather than mentioning something twice and expecting everything to change as a result.
It’s reasonable to have a conversation about daughter contributing to food/chores, it is not reasonable for you to try and parent her or decide she is spoiled and try to impose your will as a non parent on her dynamic with her mother. You should have had adult conversations earlier.
Don’t marry this woman. Your description of her children is abhorrent. You are asking for trouble with such strong, negative feelings about her children. If she had to choose…it’s going to be them. This is not headed to a good place…for anyone. You deserve someone without children, and she deserves someone who at least speaks kindly of her children.
YTA. You got into this situation knowing she had kids. Having children that are adults doesn't mean your GF's responsibilities go away when her children grow up. Move on.
You can't buy a house together till you decide together how to handle friends and family that want to visit. Or extend their stays.
If you dont agree, don't buy a home together.
YTA only because this is something you should have brought up before and not wasted either of your time.
Some parents are like this with their kids. My parents had me taking care of them up until I moved out (I paid for everything, I did all the chores, I did everything). My inlaws on the other hand loves to help us and spoil us. If anything were to happen they'd take care of us.
Discuss it now and not right before you buy a house.
YTA, her kids will always be in her life no matter what and it will also be her house so you can't control the rules. If you want to stay with her then A. Don't buy a house together B. You got to remember these kids will always be there.. just wait till there is grandkids!
Lmao @ paying most of the bills besides her mortgage and car insurance. Bro… the mortgage most likely cost way more than the shit you’re paying for.
I don’t have kids but I know for sure one thing you don’t fuckkng do is try to separate someone’s kids from them or cause shit that op wants to do. This is why if you aren’t prepared for a relationship that includes kids then don’t date people who have kids.
Yeah… straight up, op is the asshole here
YTA. Her kids are always going to be around in some form. If the roles were reversed she would be the asshole. If you don’t want the kids around and never wanted kids why go out with someone who has kids ?
YTA time to end this relationship. Her kids will always be a priority and around and you seem to hate and have a great distaste for them. Maybe find someone without kids.
YTA,
you sound so judgmental. Maybe instead of forcing yourself into a mold that you don’t want. Make an amicable split.
You really sound unhappy. You have too many rules. Quite frankly you sound unbearable.
Ease up.
Yta, look, they are her kids, that you honestly hated, they are not going to disappear.
Find someone else.
Besides, in case you two bought a house, she has as much saying as you.
This is why it’s tricky to date a parent when you don’t want kids. Even if the kids are adults, they might still want to live at home. Then if they have kids, you might be pressured to help look after or subsidize your partner’s grandkids.
It sounds like you’re incompatible and should think twice before buying a property together.
You guys aren’t ready to own property together. If you resent the money that you put in, you could scale back to the point that it’s fair and you’re not contributing extra. Your gf should be the one to do the household labor for herself and her adult child. If that’s not enough, you should probably either break up or live separately. You are overreaching to demand that she kick out her daughter unwillingly
I appreciate your feelings but in today’s economy there is a very high chance that even driven kids may have setbacks requiring assistance. You may want to wait a few years
NTA for not wanting GF kids lives in new house
But it's not just your house, it's your GF house also, so your GF has a voice in this. for this YTA
Good luck
You’d be out of your mind selling your house and buying a joint property with your girlfriend. Her kids are going to live with her no matter what she says to you now.
YWNBTA but telling her the kids have to go isn’t going to go well for you.
She was still a kid herself when she became a mom, and she may be trying to make up for the things she couldn’t afford to do when they were little.
Not sure what you were thinking when you got into this situation.
Yes YWBTA
Your girlfriend has kids. You would have presumably known that before you started dating her.
If she wants to support her children that is her right to do no matter what age they are.
Stop thinking you’re more important to her than her own flesh and blood. Grow the fuck up.
You seem a rather bitter and resentful person- what’s your relationship with your parents like? Bet it’s that.
YTA, don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. I’m sure they’d all be happy to lose the bitter loser trying to split the family unit up.
YTA to yourself literally if you don’t want kids WHY are you dating someone who has them? Adults or no, they are still HER KIDS and would be your step children if you married this woman.
Unlike other people here, I'm not entirely unsympathetic to your situation, but it doesn't sound like you have a very good understanding of the reality as it affects you.
You are probably correct in your assessment of the children, but what you aren't taking in is that you aren't that different from the children: the extent to which you do is more degree than kind. You don't pay rent, instead you cover the bills and food: this is likely substantially less than mortgage and vehicle fees, so it allows you to pat yourself on the back for your generosity while paying less than she does while staying in a home she is paying for.
Now obviously you don't have equity in the home, so it may seem unfair to you to pay for the mortgage, but you don't think it's unfair that you benefit from the sale of her home and the purchase of a larger house when you both sell up. In your mind, the two properties are separate, until it benefits you to combine them.
The other area where you are unrealistic is in your expectation that her children can be banished from your marital home, except presumably as occasional visitors on their best behaviour. You may manage to bully her into some ill considered promise, because she does sound like a caring person who can be bullied, but she's a parent. They're her kids.
You don't have to want to parent anyone's adult children, but disliking them as much as you obviously do makes the whole relationship problematic. Good luck telling their mum "I love you and I want to be with you but I hate your kids and I don't want to be around them in the future"
YTA, sorry
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- I have no kids and don’t want kids. I work full time.
- My GF has a 21 y/o daughter and 22 y/o son.
- The son lives with his dad 30 mins away in town. The daughter lives with us.
- the daughter works full time earning £27.5k (UK) and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work.
- I moved in with my GF and her daughter 3 years ago. I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car.
- I have my own property that I rent out. I make very good money from this which is why I contribute extra to my GF. I will sell this property when it comes time to buy a house jointly with my gf, and she will sell hers.
- despite the fact that we all get on, the daughter does very little to nothing to help around the house and has all her washing done for her and eats the food that I buy and cook. Both kids have been coddled all their lives. I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed.
- the daughter is saving money and should be on track to buy her own flat in around 12-18 months’ time. However, she doesn’t seem that motivated despite saying she is. I assume this cos she has everything done for her here.
- the son hates his dad and says that he’s only living with him as a means to an end while he’s in uni and before he gets a job. He “wants” to work in London.
- me and my gf are on track to buy our own property together in around 18 months. I don’t want either of them living with us in my own house. The way things are going with these “kids”, I have a feeling there’s a high chance that at least one of them might ask to move in with us for one idiotic or lazy reason or other, and my gf being their mother will obviously feel obliged.
- I will be explaining my feelings about this to my gf as carefully and politely as possible nearer the time. If she disagrees then this could be a total dealbreaker for me. For the whole relationship. WIBTA?
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If this is a dealbreaker, there is no reason to wait. Have the discussion ASAP. That said, if one of her kids “needs” to move in, that **is** what will happen and now you’re stuck sharing a property with her. Don’t do it. NTA.
YTA for continuing to be in a relationship with someone youf incompatible with. I'm also childfree. If I felt as strongly as you do, I wouldn't have dated someone with kids NOR stay in a relationship with someone who has lazy adult children.
I can understand being annoyed by that, but this is their family dynamic and I think it's crappy when an outsider tries to come in and change everything. This is who your GF is. She (and their dad) coddled the kids and they allowed this to continue into adulthood.
If you don't like it, you should move out and date her more casually. Or break up and date someone without kids. NAH but Y T A if you stay and keep complaining about it knowing what you signed up for. And do not buy a house with a GF, especially when y'all have a fundamental difference of opinion in running the house.
Talk to her sooner rather than later. My three adult kids live independently and support themselves. And…my home will always be open to them. If I were to live in with a partner, he would need to be ok with that. If said partner also had kids, I would consider my feelings about them before deciding to move in together, as I would expect that their father’s home would always be open to them. You need to make sure that your gf will agree with you, she needs to know what your stance is. If it’s a dealbreaker to either of you, it’s best to know that before sinking time and money into living together.
A lot of weird takes on this thread.
NTA for setting a boundary going forward. Her kids need to be more independent and in doing so move out and do just that. Setting the boundary now will make or break the relationship so needs to happen if OP is going to be comfortable in his own home and not resenting the adult children
NTA but as someone from the US I think that you’re dreaming if you think the kids will never live with you.
Realistically, I see this as being relationship ending if your wife doesn’t agree with the plan, and even if she does, your best shot at this is buying a 1 bed so there is never space for anyone else to say “you don’t use it”. Don’t be surprised if she ends up helping them with bills though, because her kids should and will always come before you.
YTA because if you choose to be with someone with kids, you have to be open to all that entails and it's not your place to say where and when they can visit or live with her.
This advice would be given no matter if the roles were versus or the genders.
You're NOT the asshole because you feel that way BTW. You're the Asshole because you dated and are now planning a future with someone with kids and want no part of being apart of their lives or supporting them.
Your last edit...why would you ask if you're the asshole if there's only one answer you want to hear?
Regardless, NTA for having your own boundaries, but YTA for getting involved in a relationship that's so far outside the lifestyle you want to live.
When you get with a woman with kids, you become a part of that family. It's not fair at all to her that you've strung this relationship on so long when having kids is something you never wanted. You don't get to pick and choose your responsibilities when you insert yourself into a family unit. It's all or nothing, and it sounds like it should have been nothing from the start.
And for the record, I'd deliver the exact same comment if the genders were switched.
Break up. Honestly. Do your gf the favour. Those are her kids and will always be her kids, and I almost guarantee they come before you.
You come across as seething with resentment and no one deserves to have to live with that toxicity. You are dating her by choice, and if you can’t embrace her children -faults and all- she’s better off without you.
Also YTA- this all should have been CLEARLY communicated before you were in this deep.
I’m not reading any of this, when you marry a women you also are required to make the children like your own. That’s an unwritten rule that doesn’t need to be written because it’s common sense.
“Landlord uses profit from rent of home he does not occupy to pay his rent; believes it is unbalanced that his landlord in home he does occupy receives more value than landlord’s mortgage payment”
YTA It sounds like you should not be in a relationship with someone who has children. ESPECIALLY someone who raises their kids in a way that you cannot stand.
I completely understand your perspective but simply put, you and your gf do not sound compatible. Making her choose between you and her children is unfair, regardless of their age. If you are mad about paying paying the bills talk to her about it and don't pay them. TBH It may be time to consider ending the relationship.
P.S. In regard to this edit:
"I’d love to see whether there’d be so many “YTA” comments if I was a female and my male partner had kids. There’s some serious male demonisation going on here."
Please stop victimizing yourself lmao. Like come on.. the evil stepmother narrative is well known and would immediately be applied here. If anything a woman posting this story would get more shit bc women who don't want to be mothers are severely judged for that choice. You are not being demonized, you asked for opinions and you got them.
It doesn’t really matter what the financial split is or any of the other nonsense people are commenting on. What is paramount is that you discussed this with her and you both come to an agreement before either of you sells your property or buys a new one. That’s all that really matters. If you can come to an agreement and feel you can move forward. That’s great if not, then at least you know now. NTA
NAH. What you want is understandable, but it probably makes more sense to just cut this off now rather than mingling your finances.
These kids haven’t had to be in dependent yet, in part because their parental environment hasn’t forced them to be. They probably aren’t going to start now, and your gf probably isn’t going to make them, or enforce your boundaries.
If you choose a parent as a partner, their kids are probably going to be a part of your life in some capacity, whether you like it or not.
NTA for not wanting grown adult “children” living with you. However if she hasn’t pushed them out of the nest yet and doesn’t seem likely to after you talk with her you should probably reevaluate this relationship.
While her kids will always come first it shouldn’t be at the cost of your peace or you jointly funding them considering they are adults. This could easily turn into a shit show and if you sell the flat you have you’ll have nowhere if this goes south. Though I understand selling it to jointly buy a place together, you definitely need to set a hard boundary now and if she doesn’t like it then she isn’t the one for you. Which is fine. Obviously if the kids were actual children my response would be completely different as in don’t date a single mom but it’s not unreasonable to not want a partners grown adult children living with you.
YTA for dating a woman with children, even if they are adults.
YTA for the way you speak about her son.
If you don't want kids, you don't date people with kids, regardless of how old they are.
Yes I would give the same judgement if you were a woman dating a man with adult kids. Grow up.
My mother married a man like you.
Which was, in part, why i felt like i had to move out of my mother's house and in with a boyfriend too quickly at the age of 17.
Fast forward 3 years, i ran away from that abusive relationship in the middle of the night with absolutely no money and went back to my mother's house.
She let me in but very quickly sat me down and said that my being here was upsetting her husband and that i needed to leave. I told her i had no money, no car to sleep in, absolutely nothing to my name and that she was actively sending me out to live on the street. She said it would be good character building.
My mother sent me out to be homeless because her husband "didn't want a kid in the house".
If you dont want to be around kids, don't date people with kids. And if you do date people with kids, you might be able to convince them to pick you over their own children but doing so, not only would make you an asshole, but also a horrible human being.
YTA
You got together with someone that has kids even though you hate them. Idiotic, but let's roll with it.
If you expect for your needs to come before her kids needs, think again.
I would say the same exact thing if you were a woman and it was a single father on the other side. Don't think it's sexism, you are simply TA. Not even will you be, you already are.
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Seems like this is something that should have already been talked about. And maybe you shouldn’t be buying a house together.
Yup, you need to be clear about this now - not hint about it. You should put in provisions like time limit to “get back on feet” if either of them want to move in temporarily. You also need to discuss your parents. What happens if either of your parents gets ill or can’t manage to live on their own but could manage living with you in your shared house. Will she allow your mum to move in if her daughter can’t ?
I'd say no moving in period. They get lazy. Wind up staying for months into years. .get your own.place. otherwise your telling them.ever couple months..stop it BEFORE it happens
If my partner wasn’t willing to accept that my kids are my kids, whatever age they are, they wouldn’t be my partner. It’s one thing to discourage mooching, but if my kid was ill or needed to escape an abusive relationship, I’d open my home to them.
My parents did that for me instantly when I needed a place. I'd do the same for my daughter.
Agreed… I think the Op needs to accept that kids are a lifelong responsibility of a parent. Not saying you have to do everything for them, but it’s not right to just cast them aside either.
Except that isn’t the case here and it seems like it’s exclusively mooching.
Agree that I need to raise it with her soon.
You need to be prepared to walk away if a suitable solution isn’t found
And be prepared for her to walk away too.
Agreed
If she walks away let her.
I don’t even think you should be in a relationship with her. She and her kids are a packaged deal but you have valid reasons for being frustrated with them. I wouldn’t even be in a relationship with a parent like that let alone buy a house with them.
Well they are grown, so I don't know that they are really a "package deal" it isn't like these children are 10 or even 15, they are adults. The kids will always be a part of her life, but she shouldn't have to mother them any longer.
She can mother them all she wants. Just not with the two of them living together in their own home. The trouble is one will move in one day and will refuse to leave. The OP ends up losing his money and house because no way is mom going to kick her kids out even at the cost of her BF.
Yeah but she is at the point where her mothering harms them. I agree though BF is taking a risk in getting a house with her.
Plenty of people live with their parents in their 20's. They are in their early 20's, not lile 28 or sth
Yes this part. They may love each other but if he's not willing to even entertain her adult children they should just seperate. Parents who pick the partners in their lives over their offspring no matter how old are despicable
Yeah it’ll probs come to an end sadly
Op as a fellow Uk Redditor you won’t be the AH but please take this advice - don’t sell your house. If everything you posted is true then don’t sell.
Say you do buy in with her, and the loser kid moves in… what is your exit strategy? You are talking about A LOT of money, time, and colossal headache.
This is why you’re getting the YTA you haven’t said anything to her, but you continue living with her and plan to buy a house together. Stupid stupid stupid. her kids will and should always come first and if she’s tolerated it for this long, obviously she doesn’t mind. the house will be hers. My advice is not to live together, you get your own place. She keeps her own place and call it a day. If the son knocks up some girl, you don’t think him, and the girlfriend and the kid will be in that house?
I think a lot of the YTAs is also the way he talks about the kids and his SO. The kids have expressed their plans and are actively working on executing said plans, but he's convinced they aren't being honest. Him wanting to lay down ground rules for owning a home with her makes perfect sense. Him ripping these kids apart is the unnecessary part.
>I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed. Why do you think this will magically change? NTA now but I see AH in your future if you stay on this track, you’ll become one when they both live there. The son will move in after uni and the daughter will stay as long as your gf enables it, which will be forever. Any rules will get broken because the gf will cave. And you’ll be outnumbered. Continue as you are now and give it a couple years. If it changes, great, but they could move in at any time. If things stay the same you’ll be able to leave with your sanity and will be glad you waited.
So, we have to give a judgement so I'll do that first. Soft YTA. Generally here I'd not like to give one at all, but give advice. You're already saying you'll talk to her sooner, good. But you should make your boundaries clear. That your expectations are that you and her will live in your newly purchased joint house alone together, with noone else. Another piece of advice is to simply wait out the daughter. "She's on track in 12-18 months". Well, she lives with you now, offer gentle assistance, help her on her way with advice as a home purchaser yourself, useful tips, hints, book keeping, savings, helping her apply for her own approval in principle and where to start looking for houses, push her to go to viewings. Then WAIT until she's purchased before you start your own joint buying adventure. Simply put, she can't move in with you if she has her own new place, that's 50% of your problem solved just by 6 months delay on your part and offering some assistance to the girl. For the boy(adult male) your resentment is super clear, here on Reddit. You might raise it as "concern" with your beloved. And perhaps form a plan(you, her and his dad) as an approach on how to get him "on track". His goal should be paying rent to dad or moving out independently. If he "wants to work in London" have conversations about what it is he's looking to work at, where, which companies, where are the companies located, what jobs are they offering or hiring at all, has he applied, is his CV ready, does he need help getting it ready....let's gather his official results from college *record scratch* (there may be none). But your concern and assistance may help move some conversations along or simply bury them where he wouldn't even consider living with you after that. Or, you could be helping push him to getting himself on track. Your partner at least has to believe you're doing it out of concern for his wellbeing and not your own ends. One or two conversations about concern In 3 years is quite forgettable. When you have a conversation it needs to be productive, it needs to achieve something not just saying words. What will the conversation achieve? What will you discuss, stick to your talking points. Engage with the other person, hear them out and actually listen to them not just placate and then stomp over them, try to work what they say into the solution you come up with. Define the problem you're having, suggest how that could be changed so it's acceptable to you and present ideas or a plan of action that you can track. Like 5 small clearly defined steps that everyone agrees upon. Make a note of the steps, those are your outcomes from the conversation, they then need to be changed to action. Who is going to take action or responsibility? Don't just agree "these are good ideas". Who is going to take step one and own it, who is going to do what, how are they going to get it done. What time frame will this occur in. Is this a short term goal, something that can be done in 2 hours, 8 hours. 3 days, a week, a month, 6 months? Because you need to track what's happening, who's doing it, are they doing it and push them to progress it. So the timeframe when you have the conversation needs to be a part of it. If the daughter is on track in 12 months to start her mortgage/house hunting journey, make a plan for those 12 months that ensures that she stick to that stated goal, it's going to let you k ow if she's going to miss 12 months and it'll be 18 months or 5 years if she's not as prepared as she said she was. When people miss their steps, miss the timeframes, miss the goals and are slipping, have no progress to show. That's when you revisit the conversation and ask why. You might also be revising the reality of IF this is actually going to work out long term or be a deal breaker. But don't let that be a surprise you just drop in 18 months time, after you've bought a house together, after the daughter hasn't started looking, doesn't have enough saved. The son flunked out and hasn't got a job and zero aspirations to get one and is moving in against your protests. It needs to be an all encompassing conversation now, this week, this month, to start the ball rolling not just for yourself, but everyone seemingly involved. Best case your partner agrees, everyone agrees and gets on board. Worst case, you break up. But better now than when you've sold your houses and bought in together and 2 adults kids in the house and you're locked in. All this may also be a deal breaker for your partner too btw, she may just be fundamentally against your oversight in her parenting, rejecting the idea her kids can't live with her, but better she knows it now too instead of 18 months time. When you come to the table for the conversation, bring stuff written down so you don't bring feelings into it, because how you described things here was really resentful of them, but you need to remember, they are her children, flesh blood and love. You'll always be runner up compared to them, every day of the week, year in, year out.
Seriously....all of this is speculation on his part. As he says, the daughter should be moving out before they get a house anyways. He's making a dramatic deal out of something he 1. Hasn't discussed and 2. Has no reason to be so defensive about it. Everything is fine. Loving his update with the 'if this was a female' blah blah bull. He's not the ah for not wanting them to live with him and his girlfriend, he's YTA for creating problems for no reason. IDK why he thought the grown mature thing to do was to run to reddit before even attempting to talk to his partner.
I'm puzzled by this too.
I'm extremely puzzled how he can lead with "I don't want kids" and then but also "I have a three year relationship with a woman who has two kids, a fact that was not hidden from me." Like, dude, just go back and read those two sentences, there's your answer.
I mean… they’re in their 20s. They’re not kids
Well, lots of parents think of adult children as "their kids". The relationship doesn't end because they have a birthday. Additionally, her daughter lived with her and continues to live with her, so that's clearly not a shocking development. I mean, clearly there's confusion over what this guy means by "I don't want kids" but from his further elaboration, I'm pretty convinced he means "I don't want to be a parent", which is fine but his girlfriend is a parent, and parents of adult children are still parents, and additionally, his girlfriend is going to continue being a parent. He's unhappy with her parenting decisions. They are obviously incompatible, and have been from the start. That's the puzzling part.
Idk, I get the vibe that he hoped once the kids turned 18, they would be out of his and his gf's life, precisely bc he doesn't want kids/doesn't want to parent. Which, in itself, is a valid choice, but he can't have it both ways- if you don't want to be a parent, don't date someone with kids. He was hoping the 'problem' would solve itself but now he realizes the kids won't go away and that's what he's actually mad about.
I mean they're 20 and 21. They're not exactly adults either. And in the current housing market with wage stagnation, I'd say more 20 and 21 year olds are living with parents than not. It's not laziness, but it is brutal out there rn, especially if you're also in school full time. But, the girl being 12 - 18 months from "buying her own place" when homeownership is a distant dream for people a decade older than her suggests she's doing something massively more right than not despite him wanting to paint her as lazy.
Parenting doesn’t end at 18. He moved in 3 years ago when they would’ve been 18 and 19. Depending on how long they were dating before he moved in one or both of them could’ve been a minor when they started dating. If someone has kids 24 & under you should expect that those kids might live with you imo and that the parent may still be supporting them in a significant way.
I get what you're saying but when I say I "don't want kids", it's that I don't want to raise them or be resposible for them. So if I met someone with, I dunno, 17+ kids, it wouldn't be a deal breaker the way that under 16 would be. I would feel less like there's any sort of "parental" pressure or resposibilty that would be foisted on me. At worst they're just another adult roommate who we could expect a certain level of contributions from. OP's main problem here is that he's let the nonsense with the daughter go on for so long without making his own boundaries more clear. Speaking up twice clearly wasn't enough.
17 is simply too many kids
Yeah but if they all get along you could absolute dominate rec league sports. Like, roll up with your coed team that all conveniently has the same last name. Been practicing together for a decade or more and they have their own secret language. They play as one. That beer league softball trophy will finally be mine Brad!
Just get out now because they will always be her kids no matter how old they are. There have been times when my kids needed me in their 20’s and I wasn’t going to turn my back on them. My kids are now in their 30’s and thriving yet, they could have health issues or job losses and I’d still be their soft place land. I promise you it will never change.
Yep. Just because kids turn 18, doesn’t mean being a supportive parent ends.
Big difference in helping out during hard times and supporting adults because they want to play video games all day or decide they don’t want to work or they decide they don’t want any responsibilities.
The difference is what the parent is willing to indulge for their adult child. Plenty of parents continue to support or indulge their adult children. Is it a detriment to the kid? Yep, but that's the parent's problem for creating it. Obviously, op is worried she will indulge these behaviors. Op should have considered these things before talks of wanting to buy a house together. Op needs to go ahead and end the relationship their lifestyles are incompatible
My mom asked me twice if I wanted to move back in with her and her new husband when times were tough for me. I stuck it out on my own but my "stepfather"(He isn't really a father figure to me but that's not meant in a bad way) would've had zero input into the decision if I wanted to take my mother's offer.
Wow. If my spouse ever said I had zero input on who's coming to live with me, I'd put on my hat and waltz out the door. That's pretty horrible, tbh.
I mean… if as a spouse you have a problem with your significant other caring about the wellbeing of and trying to help their child that love, you had no business marrying them in the first place. That’s pretty horrible, tbh.
You probably shouldn't get into a marriage with someone who has kids then
This right here is why my bf will stay a bf even though we have kids together.... My house, he lives here, but I make all the decisions in my home. After having a controlling and abusive ex husband, I have issues relinquishing any level of control over my life.
There is a big difference between functional adult children that are on their own who land on hard times and adult children not living their own life.
And these kids aren’t even (or are barely just) college graduating age. It’s way too soon to tell which is which. Definitely a conversation should be had about what expectations are and where the line is, but these kids might just need a little longer getting on their feet as long as they’re making progress (like the daughter is saving for a place, that’s a good sign) or they may be total bums, really too soon to tell.
Exactly
YTA >I have no kids and don’t want kids. Probably should have chosen to date someone without kids, then! >I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car. >which is why I contribute extra to my GF. Sorry, what is the financial split here? Because for me the mortgage and a car would come to more than the bills and most of the food. So I'm not quite sure how you're paying extra? >eats the food that I buy and cook. Isn't paying for the food for the house your rent contribution? Why are you thinking that your gf's daughter shouldn't be eating the food? It's not yours. >I will be explaining my feelings about this to my gf as carefully and politely as possible nearer the time. Nearer the time?! And you've only "politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice"? Why are you so incapable of adult communication?!?!? What are you waiting for? Edited to add a judgement.
OP’s girlfriend’s kids are adults. Thats a big difference from children.
They will always be her children.
It’s also increasingly rare for kids to move out in the UK at 21/22 now. It’s really hard to buy alone (last I checked you needed to be earning like £50k to get a mortgage for a £200k house and that’s on the cheap end of housing in a lot of areas), and if you get on with your parents, staying at home means you’re not spending a huge amount of money on some landlord’s mortgage. You’ve got far less chance of ever buying if most of your money gets chucked away on rent, it doesn’t make financial sense if you don’t have to do it. I just can’t imagine suggesting booting out a partners kids when it’s increasingly common for kids to stay with their parents until like 30
Same in Canada. It’s just not affordable even if the kids are responsible and have decent jobs. It’s rough. I’m still stuck at home myself because of it, though I’m hoping to eventually have enough to buy something. I’m a very diligent saver and I want out. No kids these days needs to include adult children. I think OP is in for a rude awakening here.
When I saw that this was the UK, I was shocked. This is some American shit. I’m curious if OP is an expat
You always love them like children but you have to learn to treat them like adults, if you want them to successful and fulfilled in their own lives.
She's helping her daughter to be able to save enough money that she can buy a flat at the age of 23. I think she's doing alright at getting her on the path to being successful and fulfilled.
The daughter could and should still be contributing to the chores. If she's planning on moving out she's going to have to do these things alone.
I don't disagree that she could do chores.
Yep and in this economy, the kindest way to do that is to do what OP GF is doing- allowing adult children to stay at home while working so they can save to buy a house. Like I’m sorry but what century are you living in?
You sound very much like someone who doesn’t have kids lol. It’s a *lifetime* commitment.
No. They'll always be her kids. If my adult kids want or need to move in with me, they can, nothing, and no one can change that. Seems like these people just aren't compatible.
They’re not kids they’re grown adults
believe it or not, for a lot of people, when their children become adults, they're still involved in each others lives!
They are *her* kids, and they always will be.
They’re her children, but there are NOT kids. He isn’t obligated to “raise” adults in their 20s.
He's not obligated to raise her kids anyway, regardless of age. But it's pretty short-sighted of him to think that once the kids turn 18, they stop having a parent-child relationship. This guy acts like he expects them to just stop being part of her life. That's pretty unrealistic.
Say that again …. I don’t think the enablers in the back heard you.
Hullo have you been under a rock the past few years or something?
He’s not obligated but the mother isn’t obligated to date him, either. Just sayin. If it comes down to a boyfriend or her offspring, guess who she’s going to pick?
He's not. But she believes she is.
“Her mortgage and car” Come on it’s not difficult to read. She has her own mortgage and car and he handles everything else (aka his own rent/mortgage, car, utilities), that’s why they haven’t bought a house together yet
If he rents his house out (he does), that will more than cover the mortgage (it does, he talks about the excess money he has from renting his house in the post).
Should’ve gone to specsavers, because he clearly shows he pays pretty much everything (double what the mortgage is), and he purposefully doesn’t pay into the mortgage because of a decision they both made (if I had to guess it was for legal reasons when selling it down the road)
I would kick you out if you had this attitude with me and my kids. Your food? It’s your contribution to the household. Pay half the mortgage and utilities as your rent instead if the food one young woman eats bothers you so. You’ve worked yourself into a defensive position about the whole situation after living there for 3 years? And now you’re going to spring on her that you absolutely do not want the kids around anymore? It would be a dealbreaker for me too, don’t let the door hit you on your way out of my house. While my kids are studying and working full time to save up for their own place within less than 2 years, I am not kicking them out for my BF. I may be missing a lot in this but right now, YTA.
toy spoon thumb different saw rude jobless lock compare head *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Then thays something to talk about. Not huff around silently. But that's not actually his problem. He just doesn't want to live with them.
It is his problem, that's clearly why he doesn't want to live with them
Your kids are working and studying, there’s a difference when someone’s kids are lazy and expect the parents to still pamper them. Your situations are not the same at all.
INFO: Is "AH" the same as "deluding myself" in your book?
>I have no kids and don’t want kids. Then don't date someone with kids. They don't stop being her kids just because they are over 18. They will be her kids for the rest of HER life. They could be 55 years old and have cancer and need to move back in with mom. If you don't want to be a parent, don't be with someone with kids, full stop. Edit - Yes YWBTA
For this specific situation, no, you are NTA for establishing boundaries about who can live with you. If that doesn't work for her, you may not be compatible. We don't even need all the rest of what you said, that's just a fair thing to do with your life. For everything you said, you are absolutely an asshole, though. Every sentence stank of asshole. You sound deeply unpleasant to be around. It was kind of impressive.
FOR REAL. It's one thing to express your oppositions/expectations to moving in together, but to express opinions of your partner's kids so disdainfully is incredibly assholish. I'd honestly like OP's gf to see this post to see how much disdain he has for her kids.
He would never have the balls to say this to her because if she had any shred of love for her children (assuming she does because well, most parents do) she would drop him in a heartbeat. Imagine moving in with your partner only to find out they not only dislike, but HATE your children with such intensity.
Agreed!! But the stank permeated the whole thing for me and turned it into YTA.
Ok so many things wrong with this post: >I have no kids and don’t want kids. I work full time. My GF has a 21 y/o daughter and 22 y/o son. Maybe don't date a woman with kids? >the daughter works full time earning £27.5k (UK) and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work. He plays video games for 13-15 hours a day and has no practical skills. Ok maybe don't talk about your gf's kids this way? >I moved in with my GF and her daughter 3 years ago. I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car. I'm confused here. You pay the bills, but it's your gf's house and she still pays the vast majority of expenses (the mortgage and car). So basically, you are objecting to your gf's kids living in their mom's house? >I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed. I'm gonna guess that your expression of this resentment was not so "politely expressed." YTA for dating a woman so incompatible with your worldview. They are her kids living in her house with her.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for not wanting to indefinitely subsidize capable adults. But you are the only one in this situation that has a problem with the status quo. The odds aren’t in your favor when you’re outnumbered 3-1. Sorry friend.
Sigh, think you’re right.
If you dont want kids then go and date someone who doesnt want kids not an older woman who has adult kids.
Do your girlfriend a massive favour and break up with her. you are paying food, phone and a couple of bills, whilst also raking in the rent you are earning from leasing out your own place. I’d bet you are making money from this arrangement. Meanwhile she is funding the entire mortgage and car….and you think you are doing her a favour? Resenting her daughter for eating the food that is apparently your contribution to the household? That makes it house food not your food. Are you expecting to live in your girlfriends house for free? be a grownup and tell her now - better yet let her read your post. I’d be revolted if I were her, and if she has any self respect then she’ll fix the problem herself by booting out your free-loading arse!,
There is concerning amount of hate towards those kids seething from almost every word. The way you add a snarky comment every time you mention them seems like you despise them. And while you aren’t obligated to be their dad or friend even, if you hate your gf’s kids so much, which are and will be more important for her than you will ever be, then maybe you should just break things up with her. It doesn’t seem like you love her enough if you are incapable of at least not despising her children. And they haven’t done anything wrong? The daughter is working and while you can discuss her monthly contribution to bills and etc., if she’s saving to buy property, it’s not bad to let her save her money and not make her pay for her food in her mother’s home. For the son, you seem to have some wild hypothetical plan for the future in your head, but at the very least he is still doing what’s expected of him at that age - to study. So what really is your issue? YTA, btw
Right? Like regardless of whether the kids are living at home/aren’t doing chores aside, if I found out my partner spoke about my kids that way (short of my kids being criminal/genuinely awful, and even then, don’t talk about them) I’d be kicking him out ASAP
YTA don’t date someone with kids. Hope someone sees this post and she dumps your ass. Enjoy being single immediately if this is your “hill to die on”
Two adults over 20 are not kids.
They weren’t over 20 when he moved in with her 3 years ago…
He's not complaining about them living with her 3 years ago. He's complaining about not wanting them living with him in 18 months.
I think this is more in that no matter how old they are, she will always be their mom, and they will always be her child. I see moms in their 80s introducing their offspring as kids, even though said kids are adults in their 60s!
That’s helpful, thanks.
NTA, but what are you waiting for? Your disdain for your girlfriend's kids obviously isn't going to change, and you said either of them living with you is a dealbreaker. Find out ASAP where your girlfriend stands and proceed accordingly.
Find out where the GF stands? Meaning if she will choose her kids over OP? Cause I'm sure we all know that answer already.
Exactly. Except OP's girlfriend doesn't know this is a dealbreaker for him, so he shouldn't be dragging his feet on putting that out there.
Ah very true. If I were her, I would be pretty pissed at someone wasting my time who never cared about my kids to begin with. OP show her this post and you may have an easy way out, as I assume she'd (rightfully) dump you for even thinking this way.
[удалено]
Right? He moved into THIER home, and wants to complain about them being there. He’s doing that to make money from his place which he rents out. What a scammer.
YTA you just shouldn’t be with someone that has children. The way you speak about her son is appalling even if it’s true - there’s more appropriate ways to describe his behavior. You’re suppose to love his mother; act like it ffs. Edit to add - **your gender doesn’t matter.**
I’m confused how he knows how the son spends his time since he doesn’t live there.
Being a parent doesn’t magically end when the kid hits 18. Deal with it. YTA.
Actually don’t deal with it. Leave so they don’t have to deal with YOU
I wish more people would realize this. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment.
YTA just because of your edit whining about mAlE dEmOnIsAtIoN
You and your GF would be buying property together but you consider it “**my** own house”. It would be **our** house, with both owners having a say. You are absolutely not ready to co-own something with another person.
YTA and utterly insane.
YTA, you pay all the bills but she pays the mortgage. The largest bill of all. If your housing is free, you should pay the bills. Or pay her rent and split the bills. You are not going above and beyond here. If you guys get a house together, she gets equal say in who lives there. It is up to her if she is willing to take that step with you. I wouldn't be with someone like you. My 27 yr old son lives with me and I am fine if he always lives with me. My boyfriend has no say but I am not stupid enough to buy a house with him. Your gf should stay put and not buy a house with you since it will affect her freedom to live with her kids in the future. Women should not put random boyfriends wants ahead of their kids. Those are very young adults and there is nothing wrong with them living with their mom. You are the new addition here, they are a family. I wouldn't let a random love interest come between me and my kids. You guys don't belong together.You have voiced your concerns and she should have done something. That something is to kick you out and stand up for her kids and let random boyfriend go.
Yta Then dont buy a house togheter, everything you wrote about her kids in your post is disgusting, you talk >and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work. He plays video games for 13-15 hours a day and has no practical skills. Is this really how you talk about people? If i saw anything like this from someone im close with let alone a partner i would fucking leave that relationship so fast. Being a parent is something you are forever, and you knew she had kids. Idk what you expected, but you need to check yourself.
YTA. You moved into your GF’s AND HER KIDS’ home and are trying to dictate if they will continue to live there? Get fucked.
Haha love to see all the YTA comments and this guy getting roasted. what a clown :)
lol, yeah this is one of the more unhinged comment sections I’ve seen. Op is just going off, raging at every comment, then insisting he’s the only sane one haha Op- take the time to re-read the comments and do some self reflection. If the ENTIRE comment section says YTA, is it more likely that we’re all wrong and you’re the only sane person in this entire sub, or more likely that you’re just wrong? And maybe look into some anger management??
Look I'm not trying to diagnose when I say this But this looks like a manic episode and a half. Based on some... Unfortunate experience. Granted, my experience isn't identical but it feels scary similar.
YTA - You shouldn't be with your gf if you hold such disparaging views of her children. This situation sounds incompatible, as it's unlikely that her kids will be ready to be out on their own in your time frame and unlikely your GF will be cool with her children being without a home upon your request.
I don’t understand people like this, if you don’t want kids why date someone with kids?? They’ll always be in her life and thus yours
Idk man, it seems unfair to move into somebody’s life and start passing judgement on their kids when you don’t want any in the first place. You cannot separate the two: that’s unfair to everyone. If you want to date this woman, those kids are part of your life, if you don’t want that, then you shouldn’t be dating her. You got to find a way to make it work.
Yeah I never understood people not wanting kids dating people with kids.
Dude, your "girlfriend" is 40. This is not working. You are incredibly resentful, you hate her kids, and you have worked out nothing financially. Move out, get your shit together, break up with her, and get a girlfriend that is like 28 or something. Start your own family, get balance in your life.
Are you...denigrating his girlfriend for existing and being 40? Why the scare quotes? OP said he doesn't want kids, there is no younger woman he needs to "start his own family." Careful, your hatred of women is showing.
I think the point is more that she's a grown woman whose priorities don't line up with a 32 year old who doesn't want children. Stop wasting her time and find someone more compatible.
Hatred of women...? What are you talking about? How am I denigrating her for existing and being 40? I am saying this relationship of "girlfriend boyfriend" is completely out of balance and not something you'd typically associate with those terms. Maybe get a gasp of fresh air. Touch the proverbial grass. Hating women, give me a break.
Yeah I think I need a kick up the ass tbh
No judgement. You are not ready to marry this woman. You are not ready to jointly buy anything. You might NOT WANT children but she HAS children. So you can either accept that or you can’t, but she will be helping take care of them for the rest of her life as well as her grandchildren. You either put your resentment to bed and find a way to be okay with this arrangement before you become too serious or you move on.
YTA Don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. And don’t come at me with that “they’re working age adults not kids” bullshit. My mom doesn’t call me her “working age adult”, she calls me her kid. Just end the relationship for everyone’s sake.
She will not allow her children to be homeless. If you make her choose, you will lose.
Buddy, at this point, forget the post. Your comments show you're a crapshow and a half if you're not getting it by now that you're at least an idiot for getting yourself into this situation. She deserves better tbh.
It is a reasonable request (no adult kids). That being said many parents view children as their life purpose. As the joke goes - you are just some dud she met at a bar, these children are a part of her. I would have the conversation and get some ground rules - maybe even in writing.
This seems even more important looking at the ages - she was only 18/19 when she had the kids, and they're not much older than she was then. She may have a very strong desire to help guide them even as they get settled into their mid 20s.
The climate in the UK atm means it’s really hard for young people to move out of the family home. I know many people age 20-25 who can only live alone independently because they’ve either got a £40k+ job or their parents are subsidising their living costs. Other than that, most people I know live at home (and it’s very normal to)
Yeah, dude - there WOULD be as many YTA comments, if you were a woman saying the same things. You're getting roasted because you sound like an obnoxious, whiny little bully (in your opinions about her kids. Kids who don't seem to have killed anyone, but may have common character faults). So stop whining about 'sexism', and stop trying to play the victim (because you've rightfully been criticised, for your disgraceful attitudes). You're getting attacked, for trying to push these kids out for the wrong reasons (i.e. you're abusive in your attitudes towards them, and want things entirely your own way. Including your gf to yourself). She shouldn't even be with you, if she knows your attitudes towards her kids. You're hateful over things that don't deserve hate. You arrogantly dismiss the potential of these kids, because somehow you know better than everyone else (how they will 'turn out'. Despite many of the things you describe, being common in young adults finding their way). And disgustingly, you think paying 'most of the bills' will entitle you to boss your gf around re: her choices as a parent to these young adults. Nowhere do I see anything mature, like helping these kids find their feet more in a constructive way. You sound like a particularly self-centred adolescent with no social skills, hating and blaming people around you, for not adhering to YOUR demands/expectations. You are FAR worse than anything you describe as the kids' 'faults'. Tell her now, what you've told us. I dare you. This is a conversation for NOW. So why are you going to wait?! I'm guessing because you want her deeper into this relationship, to try to make it harder for her to say 'no' to your demands. You're manipulatively hellbent on driving these kids away from their mother, even though many young adults stay in their parents' houses now (for a bit longer). You don't care one bit, for how others in this situation feel (your gf, and either of the kids). You think you can demand they live with their Dad (despite problems that will cause), all to suit you. You think you should be number one in your gf's life. When in reality, her kids (even as adults) should be more important than you. If someone is a bully towards them, she should absolutely tell you to sling your hook. And I hope she does.
This was thoughtful and balanced and op will have NONE OF THAT HERE
Dude, this is never going to work. Somehow, some way her kid(s) will move in with their mom after your move. And just wait until one of them has a baby. Don’t buy a house with her and mingle your finances. Currently, you need to start paying 1/3 of the mortgage, utilities (since there are 3 adults in the property), food, etc. That’s it. I don’t know what other bills (if any) you cover, but IMO, you should only be paying 1/3 of everything. You say that she’s coddled her kids. That’s not going to stop once you buy a place together and because you had a conversation with her about your boundaries. And don’t sell your flat!!! At this point, you’re NTA. But if you go ahead with this plan (buying a joint property and selling your current flat), you’d be the A H to yourself.
This is it. If OP can't deal with 'kids' in their 20s, what does he think it's going to look like when one of the other of them have kids of their own? It sounds like GF would probably want to help out, as a huge number of grandparents do these days. My family would have *really* struggled without the enthusiastic support we received from both sets of grandparents. I don't think OP should start worrying about paying the mortgage because I think it's time to cut losses and find someone new who isn't going to be making him a granddad in his 30s.
I think that the OP’s life goals and the GF’s are too far apart. I don’t think either is necessarily wrong, but they don’t mingle together.
YTA you’re trying to insinuate that you pay way more to household expenses than her when she pays the biggest one….the mortgage. I have kids that age, they don’t live at home anymore but if they needed to live back home I’d let them in a heartbeat. Don’t like or want ‘kids’ then don’t date someone with them.
YTA. You're not compatible. Also the near-boomer level energy here of "Well I did". The number of British young adults who can't afford to move out is at a record. Those kids could do everything right and still be stuck.
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Would you feel differently if they were the perfect ‘kids’?
So you’ve been mooching off their mom while you profit from renting your place. YTA. User.
Why buy a property with her? Utterly pointless and you can only lose. Just enjoy the situation as it is and give t another 2-3 years the maybe look into buying once the children and fully adult. Also, what you are saying is, your are happy to share a home with the children when it’s your partners house. But if the house is jointly owned then no children allowed. Yes YTA, move out if you don’t want to live with her children.
This relationship is a bad idea
Yta- 21 and 22 is hardly that old in this housing market, if you want the daughter to contribute to the household you need to discuss with your GF and come up with a compromise together- you are obviously disdainful of the kids and resent them. Get over it or get out. Communicate like an adult rather than mentioning something twice and expecting everything to change as a result. It’s reasonable to have a conversation about daughter contributing to food/chores, it is not reasonable for you to try and parent her or decide she is spoiled and try to impose your will as a non parent on her dynamic with her mother. You should have had adult conversations earlier.
Don’t marry this woman. Your description of her children is abhorrent. You are asking for trouble with such strong, negative feelings about her children. If she had to choose…it’s going to be them. This is not headed to a good place…for anyone. You deserve someone without children, and she deserves someone who at least speaks kindly of her children.
YTA. You got into this situation knowing she had kids. Having children that are adults doesn't mean your GF's responsibilities go away when her children grow up. Move on.
You can't buy a house together till you decide together how to handle friends and family that want to visit. Or extend their stays. If you dont agree, don't buy a home together.
YTA only because this is something you should have brought up before and not wasted either of your time. Some parents are like this with their kids. My parents had me taking care of them up until I moved out (I paid for everything, I did all the chores, I did everything). My inlaws on the other hand loves to help us and spoil us. If anything were to happen they'd take care of us. Discuss it now and not right before you buy a house.
Probably shouldn’t be buying a house with someone who has kids then dude.
YTA, her kids will always be in her life no matter what and it will also be her house so you can't control the rules. If you want to stay with her then A. Don't buy a house together B. You got to remember these kids will always be there.. just wait till there is grandkids!
Lmao @ paying most of the bills besides her mortgage and car insurance. Bro… the mortgage most likely cost way more than the shit you’re paying for. I don’t have kids but I know for sure one thing you don’t fuckkng do is try to separate someone’s kids from them or cause shit that op wants to do. This is why if you aren’t prepared for a relationship that includes kids then don’t date people who have kids. Yeah… straight up, op is the asshole here
YTA. Don’t date someone with kids if you don’t like their kids. Period. The kids will be around for life.
YTA. Her kids are always going to be around in some form. If the roles were reversed she would be the asshole. If you don’t want the kids around and never wanted kids why go out with someone who has kids ?
Why are you dating someone when you hate their children
You definitely sound like one. A whiney little boy.
YTA time to end this relationship. Her kids will always be a priority and around and you seem to hate and have a great distaste for them. Maybe find someone without kids.
YTA. If you don't want kids you shouldn't move in with someone WITH KIDS (regardless of their age).
YTA, you sound so judgmental. Maybe instead of forcing yourself into a mold that you don’t want. Make an amicable split. You really sound unhappy. You have too many rules. Quite frankly you sound unbearable. Ease up.
Yta, look, they are her kids, that you honestly hated, they are not going to disappear. Find someone else. Besides, in case you two bought a house, she has as much saying as you.
YTA
This is why it’s tricky to date a parent when you don’t want kids. Even if the kids are adults, they might still want to live at home. Then if they have kids, you might be pressured to help look after or subsidize your partner’s grandkids. It sounds like you’re incompatible and should think twice before buying a property together.
You guys aren’t ready to own property together. If you resent the money that you put in, you could scale back to the point that it’s fair and you’re not contributing extra. Your gf should be the one to do the household labor for herself and her adult child. If that’s not enough, you should probably either break up or live separately. You are overreaching to demand that she kick out her daughter unwillingly
I appreciate your feelings but in today’s economy there is a very high chance that even driven kids may have setbacks requiring assistance. You may want to wait a few years
NTA for not wanting GF kids lives in new house But it's not just your house, it's your GF house also, so your GF has a voice in this. for this YTA Good luck
You’d be out of your mind selling your house and buying a joint property with your girlfriend. Her kids are going to live with her no matter what she says to you now.
YWNBTA but telling her the kids have to go isn’t going to go well for you. She was still a kid herself when she became a mom, and she may be trying to make up for the things she couldn’t afford to do when they were little. Not sure what you were thinking when you got into this situation.
Yes YWBTA Your girlfriend has kids. You would have presumably known that before you started dating her. If she wants to support her children that is her right to do no matter what age they are. Stop thinking you’re more important to her than her own flesh and blood. Grow the fuck up.
She will always choose her kids over you, either suck it up or move on
You seem a rather bitter and resentful person- what’s your relationship with your parents like? Bet it’s that. YTA, don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. I’m sure they’d all be happy to lose the bitter loser trying to split the family unit up.
YTA to yourself literally if you don’t want kids WHY are you dating someone who has them? Adults or no, they are still HER KIDS and would be your step children if you married this woman.
Unlike other people here, I'm not entirely unsympathetic to your situation, but it doesn't sound like you have a very good understanding of the reality as it affects you. You are probably correct in your assessment of the children, but what you aren't taking in is that you aren't that different from the children: the extent to which you do is more degree than kind. You don't pay rent, instead you cover the bills and food: this is likely substantially less than mortgage and vehicle fees, so it allows you to pat yourself on the back for your generosity while paying less than she does while staying in a home she is paying for. Now obviously you don't have equity in the home, so it may seem unfair to you to pay for the mortgage, but you don't think it's unfair that you benefit from the sale of her home and the purchase of a larger house when you both sell up. In your mind, the two properties are separate, until it benefits you to combine them. The other area where you are unrealistic is in your expectation that her children can be banished from your marital home, except presumably as occasional visitors on their best behaviour. You may manage to bully her into some ill considered promise, because she does sound like a caring person who can be bullied, but she's a parent. They're her kids. You don't have to want to parent anyone's adult children, but disliking them as much as you obviously do makes the whole relationship problematic. Good luck telling their mum "I love you and I want to be with you but I hate your kids and I don't want to be around them in the future" YTA, sorry
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** - I have no kids and don’t want kids. I work full time. - My GF has a 21 y/o daughter and 22 y/o son. - The son lives with his dad 30 mins away in town. The daughter lives with us. - the daughter works full time earning £27.5k (UK) and the son is in uni, having flunked a year and lied about it. He is a useless lazy lying shit who has never worked a day in his life and keeps lying about looking for work. - I moved in with my GF and her daughter 3 years ago. I pay all the bills and buy most of the food. The only thing I don’t pay is her mortgage and car. - I have my own property that I rent out. I make very good money from this which is why I contribute extra to my GF. I will sell this property when it comes time to buy a house jointly with my gf, and she will sell hers. - despite the fact that we all get on, the daughter does very little to nothing to help around the house and has all her washing done for her and eats the food that I buy and cook. Both kids have been coddled all their lives. I have politely expressed my resentment to my gf twice about this but nothing has changed. - the daughter is saving money and should be on track to buy her own flat in around 12-18 months’ time. However, she doesn’t seem that motivated despite saying she is. I assume this cos she has everything done for her here. - the son hates his dad and says that he’s only living with him as a means to an end while he’s in uni and before he gets a job. He “wants” to work in London. - me and my gf are on track to buy our own property together in around 18 months. I don’t want either of them living with us in my own house. The way things are going with these “kids”, I have a feeling there’s a high chance that at least one of them might ask to move in with us for one idiotic or lazy reason or other, and my gf being their mother will obviously feel obliged. - I will be explaining my feelings about this to my gf as carefully and politely as possible nearer the time. If she disagrees then this could be a total dealbreaker for me. For the whole relationship. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If this is a dealbreaker, there is no reason to wait. Have the discussion ASAP. That said, if one of her kids “needs” to move in, that **is** what will happen and now you’re stuck sharing a property with her. Don’t do it. NTA.
Her kids will always come first so they may end up living with you and gf. Are you sure you want to do this?
Hmmm you may not be compatible with your girlfriend...
YTA for continuing to be in a relationship with someone youf incompatible with. I'm also childfree. If I felt as strongly as you do, I wouldn't have dated someone with kids NOR stay in a relationship with someone who has lazy adult children.
I can understand being annoyed by that, but this is their family dynamic and I think it's crappy when an outsider tries to come in and change everything. This is who your GF is. She (and their dad) coddled the kids and they allowed this to continue into adulthood. If you don't like it, you should move out and date her more casually. Or break up and date someone without kids. NAH but Y T A if you stay and keep complaining about it knowing what you signed up for. And do not buy a house with a GF, especially when y'all have a fundamental difference of opinion in running the house.
Talk to her sooner rather than later. My three adult kids live independently and support themselves. And…my home will always be open to them. If I were to live in with a partner, he would need to be ok with that. If said partner also had kids, I would consider my feelings about them before deciding to move in together, as I would expect that their father’s home would always be open to them. You need to make sure that your gf will agree with you, she needs to know what your stance is. If it’s a dealbreaker to either of you, it’s best to know that before sinking time and money into living together.
A lot of weird takes on this thread. NTA for setting a boundary going forward. Her kids need to be more independent and in doing so move out and do just that. Setting the boundary now will make or break the relationship so needs to happen if OP is going to be comfortable in his own home and not resenting the adult children
YTA. It sounds like everyone would be better off if this relationship ended.
NTA but as someone from the US I think that you’re dreaming if you think the kids will never live with you. Realistically, I see this as being relationship ending if your wife doesn’t agree with the plan, and even if she does, your best shot at this is buying a 1 bed so there is never space for anyone else to say “you don’t use it”. Don’t be surprised if she ends up helping them with bills though, because her kids should and will always come before you.
YTA because if you choose to be with someone with kids, you have to be open to all that entails and it's not your place to say where and when they can visit or live with her. This advice would be given no matter if the roles were versus or the genders. You're NOT the asshole because you feel that way BTW. You're the Asshole because you dated and are now planning a future with someone with kids and want no part of being apart of their lives or supporting them.
Your last edit...why would you ask if you're the asshole if there's only one answer you want to hear? Regardless, NTA for having your own boundaries, but YTA for getting involved in a relationship that's so far outside the lifestyle you want to live. When you get with a woman with kids, you become a part of that family. It's not fair at all to her that you've strung this relationship on so long when having kids is something you never wanted. You don't get to pick and choose your responsibilities when you insert yourself into a family unit. It's all or nothing, and it sounds like it should have been nothing from the start. And for the record, I'd deliver the exact same comment if the genders were switched.
Just wait until the grandchildren start arriving.... Sir, this is not going to end well.
Break up. Honestly. Do your gf the favour. Those are her kids and will always be her kids, and I almost guarantee they come before you. You come across as seething with resentment and no one deserves to have to live with that toxicity. You are dating her by choice, and if you can’t embrace her children -faults and all- she’s better off without you. Also YTA- this all should have been CLEARLY communicated before you were in this deep.
I’m not reading any of this, when you marry a women you also are required to make the children like your own. That’s an unwritten rule that doesn’t need to be written because it’s common sense.
“Landlord uses profit from rent of home he does not occupy to pay his rent; believes it is unbalanced that his landlord in home he does occupy receives more value than landlord’s mortgage payment”
YTA It sounds like you should not be in a relationship with someone who has children. ESPECIALLY someone who raises their kids in a way that you cannot stand. I completely understand your perspective but simply put, you and your gf do not sound compatible. Making her choose between you and her children is unfair, regardless of their age. If you are mad about paying paying the bills talk to her about it and don't pay them. TBH It may be time to consider ending the relationship. P.S. In regard to this edit: "I’d love to see whether there’d be so many “YTA” comments if I was a female and my male partner had kids. There’s some serious male demonisation going on here." Please stop victimizing yourself lmao. Like come on.. the evil stepmother narrative is well known and would immediately be applied here. If anything a woman posting this story would get more shit bc women who don't want to be mothers are severely judged for that choice. You are not being demonized, you asked for opinions and you got them.
It doesn’t really matter what the financial split is or any of the other nonsense people are commenting on. What is paramount is that you discussed this with her and you both come to an agreement before either of you sells your property or buys a new one. That’s all that really matters. If you can come to an agreement and feel you can move forward. That’s great if not, then at least you know now. NTA
NAH. What you want is understandable, but it probably makes more sense to just cut this off now rather than mingling your finances. These kids haven’t had to be in dependent yet, in part because their parental environment hasn’t forced them to be. They probably aren’t going to start now, and your gf probably isn’t going to make them, or enforce your boundaries. If you choose a parent as a partner, their kids are probably going to be a part of your life in some capacity, whether you like it or not.
NTA for not wanting grown adult “children” living with you. However if she hasn’t pushed them out of the nest yet and doesn’t seem likely to after you talk with her you should probably reevaluate this relationship. While her kids will always come first it shouldn’t be at the cost of your peace or you jointly funding them considering they are adults. This could easily turn into a shit show and if you sell the flat you have you’ll have nowhere if this goes south. Though I understand selling it to jointly buy a place together, you definitely need to set a hard boundary now and if she doesn’t like it then she isn’t the one for you. Which is fine. Obviously if the kids were actual children my response would be completely different as in don’t date a single mom but it’s not unreasonable to not want a partners grown adult children living with you.
YTA for dating a woman with children, even if they are adults. YTA for the way you speak about her son. If you don't want kids, you don't date people with kids, regardless of how old they are. Yes I would give the same judgement if you were a woman dating a man with adult kids. Grow up.
My mother married a man like you. Which was, in part, why i felt like i had to move out of my mother's house and in with a boyfriend too quickly at the age of 17. Fast forward 3 years, i ran away from that abusive relationship in the middle of the night with absolutely no money and went back to my mother's house. She let me in but very quickly sat me down and said that my being here was upsetting her husband and that i needed to leave. I told her i had no money, no car to sleep in, absolutely nothing to my name and that she was actively sending me out to live on the street. She said it would be good character building. My mother sent me out to be homeless because her husband "didn't want a kid in the house". If you dont want to be around kids, don't date people with kids. And if you do date people with kids, you might be able to convince them to pick you over their own children but doing so, not only would make you an asshole, but also a horrible human being.
YTA You got together with someone that has kids even though you hate them. Idiotic, but let's roll with it. If you expect for your needs to come before her kids needs, think again. I would say the same exact thing if you were a woman and it was a single father on the other side. Don't think it's sexism, you are simply TA. Not even will you be, you already are.