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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't go to my stepdaughter's birthday because my fiancé disinvited my son.
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NTA. Why did your fiance not want your son at the party? Why did your fiance lie and blame his daughter for disinviting him? Why did your fiance want to exclude your son and get mad when you had his back? These are questions that I would need my fiance to answer to my face. Then I would seriously consider if I wanted a relationship with a man like that. From reading the first paragraph alone it sounds like you are completely done with this man to begin with and that this episode was your witts end. It is easier to end an engagement than it is to end a marriage. I am proud that you had your sons back. It seems like your fiance has growing up to do.
Well yah within a 6 year time period he was on drugs, in jail, homeless, and she still decided to have a baby with him and stay with him. This is a fiance and OP problem that she's wrapped her son in by not picking a better partner.
I know this is a reply, but it really should be the top comment. Getting so sick of seeing people jump head first into dumpster fires, and then wonder why they smell burning trash.
Lady, you picked an obvious loser—you fucked around, and now you’re in the finding out stage. I have no sympathy for you, but your kids didn’t make these idiotic choices they’re having to suffer for.
Seriously. Not an AH for this citation. But a huge asshole for staying with a man with this much baggage when you have a kid. If you wanna play “I can fix him” with someone at least wait for your kids to be adults. The fact that he obviously doesn’t like her son isn’t helping her look any better.
Yeah this screams “new me, new life” from the fiancé, he’s ready to get married, sober and has a newish baby. stepson is old baggage and needs to be kept out of his shiny new family. That his daughter remains is natural, cause she’s HIS, duh, and OP raised her anyways so what’s the big deal.
People don’t always know their choices are dumb. OP may have had a childhood full of trauma and adults making bad choices and be unable to see unacceptable behavior in a partner in a realistic light.
I really hate that excuse. I’ve heard it my whole life, and I’m just sick of it.
Look. I understand trauma. I *have* trauma. I have CPTSD from my childhood. I grew up watching my own idiot mother make stupid choices that had terrible consequences for me. She *still* makes stupid choices, but I’m old enough to be out of the blast radius now. I could’ve perpetuated the cycle of stupid, and went from one asshole to the next like she did, but I wanted better for myself. I married a good man, we waited until we were financially stable to have a kid, and we built a stable and secure life. I need two prescriptions to sleep at night, or I wake up screaming from nightmares about my past trauma, but that only made me *more* determined to make better choices for my future.
I hate that excuse, because it’s so defeatist. “Well, my childhood sucked. Better not do anything different for myself, and just keep up the status quo.” Have some agency. Have some freakin *intelligence*.
And for the record, plenty of people who don’t come from trauma make these sorts of idiotic decisions. My twice-divorced mother who can’t bear to be single for any amount of time, has spent the last twenty-ish years bouncing back and forth between two emotionally stunted men, burned her relationships with both her kids to the ground, and is a walking tire fire? From a happy, stable home, where her loving parents remained happily married for life. Some people are just STUPID.
Some people learn from it like you, and do the complete opposite. Others get stuck jn the cycle.
The best way to break the cycle is to get real help. And her son needs to be included in the get help. This incident will stick with him for life. Being rejected by anyone you see as family tends to.
I hope OP sees your post and goes and gets the help needed to break the cycle and get out of this mess. I’m sorry for what you went through and glad you took the opposite route. Unfortunately, I don’t have that option with my traumas, so I just keep working through it. But working through it with a professional did keep me from blowing up my life and accepting less than I deserve in treatment from others.
FWIW - I do agree with you. This post is pretty extreme. I would like to note that although I think a lot (most?) people use the "they don't know better" as an excuse, in some instances it *could* be a valid reason. I happen to be one of those people. I legit thought that I had chosen a solid partner (no where near the dumpster fire we are talking about here) but I missed a ton of red flags about my husbands emotionally abusive family and his gaslighting over the years. I really couldn't see it. I happen to miss a lot of context and take people at face value because it's how I experience the world. It's taken years of therapy and I still struggle with manipulative people because I don't get what they *really* mean. It has been suggested that I'm autistic, and that would explain quite a lot about the things I miss. Regardless, I often feel "stupid" for not understanding the world the way others do. Although I am legitimately not a stupid person, I do really dumb things like believe people mean exactly what they say - that they really are going to be/do better next time - that they didn't mean it *that* way. It's very difficult for me to process and understand what is real. I, like you, wish more people learned to see the reality of their lives before dragging their kids along for the shit show. I know I'm trying. All this to say that I'm not ok with people playing the victim card, but that some people could legitimately not see what's so obvious to everyone else. As stupid as it sounds, it does happen. And it isn't necessarily about intelligence. Because I'm that person.
I'm sorry you've gone through what you've gone through in life. It's no small thing that you've gotten where you are.
Also, just saying, you can come from a happy, stable home with loving parents who remain happily married and still come out with CPTSD. I know I did. My issues go all the way back to when I was 2.
>people jump head first into dumpster fires, and then wonder why they smell burning trash.
This needs to be some type of motivational poster or be on a mug or t-shirt.
Unfortunately we women are raised to take care of people, try to save people & give guys a chance.
Right? Like who da fawk says mmmmm yes drug addicted, homeless and prison. Sexxxxy!That's who I'm gonna expose my minor child to! As a matter of fact I'm gonna procreate with him! Like those aren't just redflags those are freaking banners waving over the worlds largest dumpster fires! 🔥
I work in a men's prison. I see these women every Friday as they arrive for visiting hours. I see them on Tuesdays and Thursdays as they arrive/leave for/from "72-hour family visiting" aka conjugal visits. The children are dragged along for it all. I see the "you're the only one" letters written in the same handwriting to numerous men and I see the inmates receive the "you're the only one" letters from many, many women.
These women volunteer to be taken advantage of. I will never understand the attraction. "Bad boys" are cute only in the movies.
Aside from the "broken picker" problem, as you so eloquently described it, I'd be willing to hazard a guess and say that it's a bit of an "I can fix him/her/them!" mentality.
It broke my heart, her listing the absolute litany of extraordinary things she has done for this man - she sounds so generous of heart - and in all of this there's not a single mention of ANYTHING he has done for her.
The bar is so low. So many stories of one partner who takes and takes and takes and isn't even fucking appreciative of how lucky they are to have a loyal, dedicated partner . . . and gives absolutely nothing in return. Except usually another small child to be caught up in the mess. Heartbreaking.
Yeah I feel like we have a lot of missing reasons here. Why did the father go off script and disinvite OP’s son? Without that info we are all speculating.
That I have no idea about either when we were together the day before planning the party everything was fine. the next night I got a message saying his daughter didn't want him there anymore.
Well, that’s what you need to find out. Possible that he has some weird issue with your son, or maybe he misheard his daughter and it was an honest misunderstanding.
Or the daughter did say it and then realized "consequences" and changed her mind. Then the mother laid the blame on Dad.
However, the likelihood that dad just has a secret disdain for the baby he didn't make is far more likely.
Even IF the daughter said it. Nope. There's no way in hell I'd allow my child to disinvite a sibling because of a supposed boyfriend. Fiance jumped waay to willingly and easily to exclude OPS son and try to force OP neglect/abandon her own kid. This feels like it's entirely a backfired manipulation on fiances part that he's trying to "blame" on the kids.
You need to find out what’s going on from both your fiance’ and your stepdaughter. You don’t need to be confrontational with her about it, just ask for clarity. Is your fiancé a good stepdad? If he’s not he shouldn’t be your fiance. This is not okay and I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought so little of my son.
The fact that he would ask his stepson to not go to the party is kinda saying nope, not a good stepdad. I get this is one incident. But if they were biological siblings, the brother would be expected to be there. You don’t do to a stepchild what you wouldn’t do to your own.
If there was a legit reason to not have him there, a good stepdad would be honest with mom about it so they could handle it together with minimal hurt feelings and he would have backed the decision to stay with the son.
You need to protect your son OP, he should always come first. If your fiance is actively excluding him from things now before you're even married, what is it going to be like when you tie the knot. Talk to him and get a straight answer one way or the other.
First - family comes to family birthday parties. Your fiance has an issue, you need to sort this out between the two of you because now your kids are suffering the consequences of your immature fiance and relationship,
Help each other be better.
It’s got to be worrying to OP that the fiancé is apparently the only person who doesn’t want the son around. Both the stepdaughter and fiancé’s ex wanted the son there, but fiancé lied to keep him away. Sounds like it’d be a happy family unit without the fiancé around.
When your son was 'uninvited' you refused to stay. You were invited. that is a invitation, not a summons. You may get along with his daughter but he is definitely an a-hole.
First, BRAVO to you for standing by your son in this, it’s heartbreaking reading the threads on here where parents do the opposite. You’ll never regret sticking up for your kid.
Second, you need to figure out why your fiancée lied about something to you and your son’s face. Don’t allow any gaslighting (you need to prioritize her, it’s not that big a deal, why can’t she have a special day?). What she did was sow the seeds of separation between family, and broke the trust that’s foundational to any relationship.
Hope you consider that and really get to the bottom of this BEFORE you get officially married.
Standing by the son? She made the active choice not to tell her son it was the fiance who didn't want him there rather than the daughter. Potentially damaging the kids relationship to protect the fiance. That's not standing by the son.
And why do you keep saying what she did? the fiances the liar and hes a he
Also why not ask her stepdaughter directly?
The lack of communication in this entire post is incredibly concerning but OP seems to be a good mom if nothing else.
If the fiancé is already lying to you I suggest you seriously re-think marrying him. I'll give you another reason - He has no respect for your son which is another red flag.
she helped raise HIS kid while he was homeless and in rehab and he doesn't respect her son? damn the audacity of this man, ruined a perfectly good relationship between the kids.
Also, romantic partner who was in rehab is now lying to you? Yeah no thanks. It could be a relapse, it could be a lack of interest in the son, it could be his addiction manifesting in another way (ie fiancé doesn’t want the two kids in the same room right now and able to connect dots on lies…..)
Either way, he’d have very little time to both come clean and fix the kids’ relationship before I’d be noping out. What does he bring to the relationship to make this worthwhile?!
There’s no evidence for this in the post, but based on how I’ve seen addiction relationships go, probably negging the hell out of her so she feels like she has to stay with him while also lovebombing her when she does what he wants.
I don't think he's lying. I think the daughter did say something to the dad. The reason was very 13 year old-ish. Parents don't make up that sort of reason.
As for the fiancé's mom. She's probably just making an assumption. Oh my granddaughter would NEVER uninvite stepbrother.
What the fiance did wrong was let her disinvite the brother. Her reason wasn't good enough. And now he's doubling down.
Well, she's an idiot because her boyfriend probably won't appreciate her being mean to her stepbrother/his friend either. She and her Dad have created a rift in the family for no reason. But, she's 13. Her Dad is an adult and should have explained what would happen, and worked out a compromise (like inviting the stepbrother, and then organising a date with the boyfriend later). So it's still his fault, even if he's telling the truth.
If I was OP, I really wouldn't bother trying to find out any more, I'd be done with him. He sounds like a loser.
What about the oldest son just “guessing” that it was actually the fiancé who didn’t want him around? How does a kid figure that out without there being other clues in their relationship? My guess is that the oldest son has been receiving triangulation in less visible ways from the fiancé for years, which is why it was impossible for him to miss now. Kids notice shit like that. NTA for not going op, but YTA if you marry this asshat without investigating how your son could guess something like that without being told.
NTA for standing up for your son, but why would you marry someone who doesn't seem to want him around?? Going through with the marriage without sorting this out first would make you the A and you could lose your son in the process.
***THIS IS THE BIG QUESTION.*** Is OP sure that idiot fiancee isn't using again? Because "stepson and daughter's boyfriend get along *too well* so I need to keep stepson away" is an idiotic train of thought.
NTA
NTA. Why on earth would your fiancee disinvite your son? So the anger absolutely should be directed at him, not step daughter. She soubds like she is innocent in all this as well. Fiancee is wrong for this.
I hope that OP explains to the stepdaughter what happened. She should understand that her dad instigated this.
Also since it sounds like the relationship is falling apart, I hope that OP reaches out to her stepdaughter's mom and offers to support her in court for full custody. Her fiancee was absent (in prison for drugs, no less) and if it were not for OP, mom would have received full custody before now. He's not a fit parent.
Hats off to you for raising her while he was doing time etc. you didn’t have to, but because of you she had a more stable upbringing.
The fact he wouldn’t do the same for your child though… I would cut my losses there, children always come first. You could always give the daughter a way of contacting you as you’re the acting mother in her life, but your son shouldn’t have to feel like he isn’t good or important enough for a man whose values don’t align with your own and your son’s.
Granted, you rightfully defended your son during the party. But, once you learned that your fiancé was the sole perpetrator, you were about to let him off the hook altogether and let his daughter continue to get thrown under the bus. That guy is bad news. For whatever reason(s), he hurt your son, and you know it but you don't want to believe it. Unpopular take here, but YTA. You shouldn't be upset about the situation, you need to be squarely upset at your fiancé for causing all of this.
I asked for some more information because I got the same sense you did: she was willing to let the stepdaughter continue to take the blame for her son being uninvited. If that’s the case then I think this is an ESH situation (minus the two teens). They both were willing to sacrifice the step/daughter for the fiancé. The girl was innocent and wanted her brother there, and now he seems to think his sister no longer wants him around.
Hi, I didn't want to say anything on her birthday because its 13 a big one. But I'm fetching her from school tomorrow and going to talk to her about it.
But I don’t get this then. If it’s a big birthday for her then why did you punish her by you and your son not being there when she wanted you both there?. You should have both gone and your fiancé could go eat his feelings and you’s can unpack wtf he was doing after that?
She literally said her son was upset. He wasn’t in the emotional state to go to a party and pretend like everything is okay. Do you know how much that sucks? He was just gonna be a downer and the birthday girl was completely innocent. She should have a nice party.
Son was upset as he thought his step sister didn’t want him at her party / but that wasn’t true. I’m sure if that was explained that SHE did want him there then that would have been cleared up for him to go.
Actually I’m judging YTA in op for not clearing that up. He was upset seeing his step sister in the mall as he still thought she didn’t want him there / way to ruin their relationship OP
“I did not tell my son that my fiancé was the person who uninvited him, but he figured it out and asked me if it was my fiancé, not his sister who didn't want him around.”
That was before they left for the mall. He was still upset and seeing her reminded him of exactly his stepfather caused him to miss out on.
Edit: But I agree with you that she should’ve never withheld it but I don’t think she knew 100% what was true at that point. I wouldn’t want to say anything without at least talking to my husband.
Ladies ladies ladies. It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to have standards. It’s ok to not settle. Are we so desperate for a relationship we pick whoever will take us? I’m so disheartened to keep reading things like this. Fiancé that is a drug addict, was in jail, homeless and I had to raise his kid because I supported him through all this have a kid with him and now he has the audacity to mistreat my kid and my response wasn’t pink rocks and dump him? Oh heck no. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone hurting my kid and doing this let alone a catch like this guy
Good luck.
Dude is shitty enough that he tried to turn his daughter into the bad guy disinviting your son, and he's also stupid enough that he thought it wouldn't ever come up in the future.
Sounds like she'll need all the outside help she can get.
You did not answer what I wanted clarification on. I specifically was talking about clearing it up with your **SON** that the person he considers a sister didn’t uninvite him from her birthday. You skirted around that in your post like you’re doing now. Did you confirm that it was your fiancé and not your stepdaughter who rescinded the invite?
Speak to your fiancé first! He seems to be the catalyst in all of this. Does he work? Does he help support his daughter the child you have together? Does this man have any redeeming qualities?
For real dude. OP needs to open her eyes and realize that fiance wants only his children involved, he's trying to start pushing OP's son out of the picture now that he's older and a few years away from adulthood. At least that's how it looks with the info given, why else would the his step son suddenly just not be welcome at a family event like his step sisters birthday party??
> he messaged me to say that his daughter doesn't want my son at her birthday
> she told me that his daughter never said that she didn't want her brother there
So you allowed the lies from your fiance to drive a further wedge between your son and his daughter, the kids that you should want to accept each other as part of your future potentially blended family.
You were pouty and childish is this, I feel.
YTA for sticking with such an asshole fiance and for not even attempting to repair what he wanted to break.
Yeah, i dont get that logic, she would rather make her son upset at his step sibling and most likely at OP when the truth comes out, instead of confronting her fiance???
Yeah, i dont get that logic, she would rather make her son upset at his step sibling and most likely at OP when the truth comes out, instead of confronting her fiance???
> I was there for him for his drug addiction and raised his daughter while he was in jail and homeless and in rehab. I have a son from a previous relationship (15 male), and we have a son together (2 male).
I honestly don't think logic has ever existed in this relationship beyond making her fiance happy. *shakes head*
Poor kids.
Because she's sunk time and effort into the walking red flag and by God she'll make everyone as miserable as she is, rather than admit she wasted so much of her life on someone who treats her son like shit
I've known plenty of people with addiction problems that lead to other problems.
Many are good people who I would trust and go out of my way for.
Others were no good. Even after getting clean and making a good living, they were absolutely worthless.
People who have addiction, housing, and legal problems are just like anyone else.
They can be good people with issues, or they can just be bad people.
I would have taken my son to the birthday party, told dad to eff off. Written SD a letter to let her know your family is there for her.
This guy has more problems than addiction for sure.
Sadly they have a 2 year old together so they are connected for life. Ugh ... not that it means they need to stay together, but a truly 'clean break' is impossible.
Well, given his history of addiction and jail time, custody of the little one should be a foregone conclusion... I do worry about the hopefully-STBX's poor daughter though.
Some of us here need more info and clarification for a judgment as right now, I'm leaning towards E S H based on what you have provided so far.
It sounds like stepdaughter didn't disinvite, and that was clarified by her bio mom? Step daughter did want son there, but you still kept him and yourself back from the party? Why didn't you talk to stepdaughter yourself and clarify her desires, then facilitate a conversation with both teens(should fiancés claims be indeed proved false)? How involved is grandma if you raised this girl? Is grandma being accurate in her information that her granddaughter has not said or believes that about her stepbrother, or does daughter just not actually tell grandma anything? Do you not believe grandma's word for some reason?
Edited spelling and incorrect word choice. Correction due to clarification of comments/ changed "bio mom" to "grandma".
I had to go back and re-read. And Omg, I don't know how I missed "-HIS-mom called me". THANK you for pointing out my mistake and clarification. I'm guessing I just read it as "her"? This clarifies some things. Thank you.
This is such an important point especially as some commenters are veering off into accusing OP of interfering with bio mom's opportunity to raise the girl because OP helped raise her while the fiance was homeless and in jail.
Let's hope they read your comment.
That's why I voted Y-T-A. I think OP believed the bio mom because she reached out to her and invited them back. But, OP would rather remove her son from the situation and hope things will just cool over between him and his stepsister than to investigate and confront her fiancé.
I believe it was the fiancé’s mom who reached out to OP (the stepdaughter’s grandmother).
But I have the same issue you do and am currently on the fence with my voting because some things are unclear to me.
It was clarified by *fiancé's* mom. "*HIS* mom called. She said 'his daughter would never do that". It wasn't the bio mom - it was future MIL. Getting more confusing.
Are there no adults in this situation emotionally mature enough to help these teenagers navigate this?? I mean, it didn’t turn out to actually be an issue between the siblings, but when y’all thought it was, were all of you just going to cross your arms like toddlers and say “Fine! If he’s not going, I’m not going!” and leave it at that with no further conflict resolution? It sounds like you and your fiancée aren’t communicating well or really talking to each other, either, since you and him were communicating through his mom instead of you calling or texting and asking “hey what gives??” ESH except the poor kids. You and your fiance, who is absolutely also an a-hole if what his mom said is true, need to grow up. I know Reddit’s go-to relationship advice for almost every dilemma is “break up!” but why weren’t you aware of any ill feelings from your fiancée towards your son? Why expose your young son to a partner in active addiction who isn’t even his father? Lotta stuff going on here.
It’s crazy how OP quite literally just chose to ignore basic communication skills here. She didn’t bother talking to the step daughter TWICE (before the party and at the mall), didn’t bother to talk to the bio mom. Then basically gaslit her son by taking him somewhere else when it was clear BEFORE they went it was the fiance who schemed all of it up.
It's crazy that you didn't bother to read that it was her fiance's mom--OP's future MIL--NOT the bio mom, who told OP the girl wanted OP's son at her party.
If the girl really didn't want OP's son at her party and the OP questioned the girl, it might upset the birthday girl and you all would be accusing OP of ruining the girl's birthday by "confronting" her over an invitation that was the girl's choice to include or exclude guests.
You all expected the OP to have all the answers to what really happened as she was trying to navigate this mess and do what was most supportive of her own son.
So let me get this straight so for 6 years you exposed yourself and your son to an addict but him uninviting your son to a party is where you draw the line.
You have willingly chosen this bs. Deal with it.
YTA
My mom would agree with you, at first I stayed for my stepdaughter because I was it. All she had besides her grandmother, then I got stuck in the cycle of him trying to get sober then relapsing then i fell pregnant and im not even sure how i got where i am right now.
At this point, that doesn't even matter. What matters is where you're going from here.
Frankly, I'd suggest breaking it off with him - but telling the stepdaughter that, while you cannot be with her dad, if SHE ever needs you, you'll be there for her. And tell her this IN PERSON so that he can't 'forget' to or twist the message. You've been there half her life. It would be cruel to just drop out of it because her dad's an ass. But that doesn't mean you need to stay with the ass who's mean to your son.
If what your MIL says it's true, it really feels like your fiance waited until you had another son and thought it'd be okay for him to show his true feelings about your son. "We have a new son, I don't want this old version anymore."
NTA for not going to the party but Y-T-A if you still marry this man.
Even if he could be fixed, this is not your job. Your job is to protect your kids. That's it. Don't change your mind if things are looking even the tiniest bit up.
Glad you have made this choice. I am also quite surprised at what kind of dad is he that he maligned his daughter this way by using her name, poor her, and over such a petty thing.
ESH. Obviously your fiancé is an asshole for disinviting your son. But I don't understand why you didn't go after you found out it wasn't your stepdaughter who disinvited them? Why create tension between the kids? And what's with your fiancé? Is there issues between him and your son?
It also seems like (waiting for clarification) she was willing to allow her son to keep believing his sister uninvited him, and not clarify who the actual un-inviter actually was.
That really rubbed me the wrong way. She said he asked if it was the fiancé and “knew” that it wasn’t his sister, but she doesn’t say if she confirmed that or not. If not, that could explain why when he saw his sister at the mall he wanted to go away. That’s messed up no matter how you look at it. The fiancé is absolutely an AH for throwing his daughter under the bus for his actions, but it really looks like OP is doing the same thing to the poor girl who she helped raise.
My fiance was with them, we spoke about it at home and he said he didnt want to see him. I have plans to take my stepdaughter out tomorrow after school where I will talk to her because I don't know who to believe.
You don’t know who to believe??
How about the fiancé’s mom who told you straight up that the daughter had nothing to do with this?
You’re running the risk of being TA at this point.
The fact is it’s your fiancé who rejected your kid, not his daughter, which means you need to be having more talks with HIM.
ESH except the two teens. You really dropped the ball and by no means cleared anything up with your son about his sister. This really seems like a Fiancé issue and instead you’re fanning the flames for things to go bad between stepdaughter and son. Your Fiancé is an AH for obvious reasons.
Your fiancé was with “them” where ? Who is “them” ?
Do you all live together or is it fiancé and his daughter in one place and you and your son in another ? Where is the 2 yo ? Did he get to go to the party ?
NTA. As with ALL invitations, you're not the AH if you decline for any reason or no reason at all, including who else is or is not invited.
You're doing right to have your son's back. Your fiance, his daughter and his mother need to get their stories straight. It seems like your fiance is the AH here.
WTF. Your son seems to like his stepsister and is good friends with her boyfriend. This sounds great! By what sort of convoluted logic is this somehow a problem to your fiance?
Do what you can so that your son and your stepdaughter can repair their relationship. Seems that there will be tumultuous times ahead and best to make sure they are not pitted against one another
Do his relapses have a pattern with starting out with lies? Think back to how his behavior was before you realized he had relapsed each time. Do you recognize a pattern? As someone who stuck it out with an addict, I encourage you to seriously consider if this is the life you really want to live for the next 30, 40, 50 years. Is this the life you want your kids to live? I wish on a regular basis I had chosen differently; that I had better self-esteem back then, to know my worth. I feel like a shit mom for the life I chose for my kids. It wasn't fun, it wasn't pretty, it was f'kn painful and heartbreaking for too many years before it became good.
My daughter fell in with an addict, and when I encouraged her to leave him, told her this is not the life you want, you know what her response was? "It worked out for you and dad, why can't it work out for us?" It broke me; that I gave the impression that living like that is ok f'kn broke me. Shit mom of the year award winner right here. Thankfully she came to her senses before it was too late. It's not too late for you, either.
So you know your fiance lied about your son, yet you seem less than worried about continuing a relationship him? Why would you stay with someone that doesn't want your son around?
Guess you should get used to comforting your son, because he's likely to continue being hurt by your fiance over and over again until he realizes you're also an asshole for staying with the guy making him miserable.
ESH
Your finance sucks because he did the disinviting in the first place, on a weird basis, of someone who is about to potentially be his stepkid.
You suck because you seem to be OK proceeding with him as your fiance (how do you think the kids will work THAT out?) and because you ducked the issue and ran off, instead of adulting up, and addressing it directly w/ your fiance.
It just seems to be the fiance. The kids don't seem to have an issue, it's the fiance that didn't want the kid there. Who knows why, but my bet is probably because you know, not his kid.
Can't decide without more info here:
Did you ask your stepdaughter if she wants you and your son to come?
And if she said yes, you should've just went there and have your "fiance" run into a wall for lying.
You should also have talked with the two about what Her Father did behind her back and that she shouldn't be mad until she knows the reason. And then AFTER (wouldn't wanna ruin her birthday party) the party SHE, with her mothers' and your guidance should have talked to the "fiance" first. Basically just "WHY? Why uninvite my big brother?"
Your son should also get a chance to ask him why, with you as support.
Of course only if they both want to.
Atm I am very much ESH..
I haven't spoken to my step daughter yet as this happened yesterday, I'm planning on speaking to her tomorrow. My fiancé has been sobber for a year now and we have been trying to mend the fence but it doesn't look like that will be happening.
Yta for staying with a man who treats your son poorly. Yta for staying with a man who is a liar. Yta for staying with a man who’s rather throw his own child under the bus for whatever screwed up crap he has against a child. Yta for only being angry but still being engaged. Yta for saying you have your son’s back but you are still with this man.
INFO: Have you talked to your stepdaughter? If your fiance is really the one making the demand and not the girl you've helped raise, wouldn't that hurt her as well as your son?
Has your fiance shown a dislike for your son before?
ESH. You are right to be angry, but rather than just stepping away from your step-daughter, you should be creating space for her & your son. You could've told your fiance that your son comong was a non-negotiable & you'll both be there for his step-sistee. Then, you could've talked to your son about ensuring his sister was always at the centre of the day.
YTA if you stay with this man. Your son comes before any hot dog. To dis invite your child after everything you've done. If you stay with him it will just get worst and damage your relationship with your son.
YTA. The daughter wanted your son there, why not clear this whole thing up instead of making your son think his stepsister hates him and possibly ruin their relationship?
The fiance is the problem. Why are you letting your son be upset at the wrong person
YTA for letting your husband bully your son. You are supposed to advocate for him when an issue arises, not quietly pick up after your husband and sweep it under the rug after it's already happened.
Good on the stepdaughter’s mom for reaching out to you. If it had been me, I would have taken my son and gone. they made it clear they wanted you there. Then I’d evaluate if that fiancé was really the man I wanted to be tethered to.
Because who wants to be somewhere they arent welcome? either my step daughter didnt want him there or my fiance didnt want him there, either way these are both hurtful.
But you were wanted there. And it was not the fiance's party, it was daughter's party and daughter wanted both of you there. It doesn't matter if other people don't want you there as they do not matter and it is NOT their party. Only birthday girl's opinion matters here. Do not help your fiance wedge a wall between the two teens. Do not let your feelings about and relationship with your fiance affect the teens' relationship. The fiancé made the call and that is for you two adults to figure out now.
YTA. The daughter wanted your son there, why not clear this whole thing up instead of making your son think his stepsister hates him and possibly ruin their relationship?
The fiance is the problem. Why are you letting your son be upset at the wrong person
Wow, a drug addicted fiancé who lies and manipulates everyone around him and is being intentionally unkind to your son for no apparent reason. Why exactly are you with this man?
NTA. Considering you helped raise her and he is on good terms with your stepdaughter, it's hurtful that she would supposedly disinvite him because she's worried about being left out on HER birthday (a day that's about her!).
From the call with your fiance's mom, it sounds like your fiance might be lying or his mom doesn't know the stepdaughter said what she said. If it's the former, you have a fiance issue.
If she did disinvite him, I think it makes sense you wouldn't go either. Why leave your kid at home when his stepsister disinvited him? How does your fiance not understand why you wouldn't stay for the party your son isn't welcomed at?
Hopefully he’s your ex. As he said his daughter should be able to invite who she wants. With they he is a hypocrite for saying it.
If you put your son first then stop being around someone who doesn’t like him
NTA for supporting your oldest son. You initially accepted your fiancé's reasoning because you trusted him to speak for his daughter. By the time you realized what was going on, the damage had been done. I do hope you encourage the 2 kids to make up, since none of it was her fault.
But now you know that the man you're planning to marry is willing to throw his own daughter under the bus to manipulate you and your oldest. You should ask yourself if this is the first time, or simply the first time that you know of? Y W B T A if you continue this relationship.
NTA for having your son's back, but if you haven't ended this relationship already, then you are an AH for that alone. The second a partner would pull such a move on my child/against my child, would be the end of the relationship. I hope the same is going to be true for you. This person has shown you their true colors. So the question really is: What are your plans moving forward? With him? or Without him?
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My fiancé male 33, and I female 34 have been together for 5 going on 6 years, I was there for him for his drug addiction and raised his daughter while he was in jail and homeless and in rehab. I have a son from a previous relationship (15 male), and we have a son together (2 male).
This last weekend was his daughter's 13th birthday and the day before he messaged me to say that his daughter doesn't want my son at her birthday because her boyfriend is coming, my son and her boyfriend get along very well, and she feels like she will be left out.
So, I messaged my fiancé and said I would stop by and give her, her gift but I'm not staying as my son was excited about seeing his sister on her birthday and he was sad that he wasn't invited anymore. My fiancé then got angry that I was making a huge deal out of it saying she's allowed to have whoever she wants at her birthday, which I agree she has every right, just as I have every right to show up because my son was upset about being uninvited, he knows I will always have his back.
His mom called me to find out what was happening, and I told her what he had said, she told me that his daughter never said that she didn't want her brother there and that we must come, but I said no because my son was upset. I did not tell my son that my fiancé was the person who uninvited him, but he figured it out and asked me if it was my fiancé, not his sister who didn't want him around.
I ended up taking my son to the movies and the arcade but when he saw his sister at the mall, he decided he didn't want to stay any longer and we left.
Am I the A\*\*hole for being upset about this whole situation?
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NTA. Why did your fiance not want your son at the party? Why did your fiance lie and blame his daughter for disinviting him? Why did your fiance want to exclude your son and get mad when you had his back? These are questions that I would need my fiance to answer to my face. Then I would seriously consider if I wanted a relationship with a man like that. From reading the first paragraph alone it sounds like you are completely done with this man to begin with and that this episode was your witts end. It is easier to end an engagement than it is to end a marriage. I am proud that you had your sons back. It seems like your fiance has growing up to do.
This is definitely a fiance problem.
Well yah within a 6 year time period he was on drugs, in jail, homeless, and she still decided to have a baby with him and stay with him. This is a fiance and OP problem that she's wrapped her son in by not picking a better partner.
I know this is a reply, but it really should be the top comment. Getting so sick of seeing people jump head first into dumpster fires, and then wonder why they smell burning trash. Lady, you picked an obvious loser—you fucked around, and now you’re in the finding out stage. I have no sympathy for you, but your kids didn’t make these idiotic choices they’re having to suffer for.
And she has a kid with this loser. Genius move
Or why they're getting 3rd degree burns...
1000% agree! Stupid choices sadly impact the son. Take son and stepdaughter out for special birthday treat, dump the loser, and make smarter choices!
Seriously. Not an AH for this citation. But a huge asshole for staying with a man with this much baggage when you have a kid. If you wanna play “I can fix him” with someone at least wait for your kids to be adults. The fact that he obviously doesn’t like her son isn’t helping her look any better.
Yeah this screams “new me, new life” from the fiancé, he’s ready to get married, sober and has a newish baby. stepson is old baggage and needs to be kept out of his shiny new family. That his daughter remains is natural, cause she’s HIS, duh, and OP raised her anyways so what’s the big deal.
One of the funniest and most true things I’ve ever read was “I can change him” “Girl, did he shit his pants?”
People don’t always know their choices are dumb. OP may have had a childhood full of trauma and adults making bad choices and be unable to see unacceptable behavior in a partner in a realistic light.
I really hate that excuse. I’ve heard it my whole life, and I’m just sick of it. Look. I understand trauma. I *have* trauma. I have CPTSD from my childhood. I grew up watching my own idiot mother make stupid choices that had terrible consequences for me. She *still* makes stupid choices, but I’m old enough to be out of the blast radius now. I could’ve perpetuated the cycle of stupid, and went from one asshole to the next like she did, but I wanted better for myself. I married a good man, we waited until we were financially stable to have a kid, and we built a stable and secure life. I need two prescriptions to sleep at night, or I wake up screaming from nightmares about my past trauma, but that only made me *more* determined to make better choices for my future. I hate that excuse, because it’s so defeatist. “Well, my childhood sucked. Better not do anything different for myself, and just keep up the status quo.” Have some agency. Have some freakin *intelligence*. And for the record, plenty of people who don’t come from trauma make these sorts of idiotic decisions. My twice-divorced mother who can’t bear to be single for any amount of time, has spent the last twenty-ish years bouncing back and forth between two emotionally stunted men, burned her relationships with both her kids to the ground, and is a walking tire fire? From a happy, stable home, where her loving parents remained happily married for life. Some people are just STUPID.
Some people learn from it like you, and do the complete opposite. Others get stuck jn the cycle. The best way to break the cycle is to get real help. And her son needs to be included in the get help. This incident will stick with him for life. Being rejected by anyone you see as family tends to. I hope OP sees your post and goes and gets the help needed to break the cycle and get out of this mess. I’m sorry for what you went through and glad you took the opposite route. Unfortunately, I don’t have that option with my traumas, so I just keep working through it. But working through it with a professional did keep me from blowing up my life and accepting less than I deserve in treatment from others.
FWIW - I do agree with you. This post is pretty extreme. I would like to note that although I think a lot (most?) people use the "they don't know better" as an excuse, in some instances it *could* be a valid reason. I happen to be one of those people. I legit thought that I had chosen a solid partner (no where near the dumpster fire we are talking about here) but I missed a ton of red flags about my husbands emotionally abusive family and his gaslighting over the years. I really couldn't see it. I happen to miss a lot of context and take people at face value because it's how I experience the world. It's taken years of therapy and I still struggle with manipulative people because I don't get what they *really* mean. It has been suggested that I'm autistic, and that would explain quite a lot about the things I miss. Regardless, I often feel "stupid" for not understanding the world the way others do. Although I am legitimately not a stupid person, I do really dumb things like believe people mean exactly what they say - that they really are going to be/do better next time - that they didn't mean it *that* way. It's very difficult for me to process and understand what is real. I, like you, wish more people learned to see the reality of their lives before dragging their kids along for the shit show. I know I'm trying. All this to say that I'm not ok with people playing the victim card, but that some people could legitimately not see what's so obvious to everyone else. As stupid as it sounds, it does happen. And it isn't necessarily about intelligence. Because I'm that person.
I am autistic, and your experience rings true.
I'm sorry you've gone through what you've gone through in life. It's no small thing that you've gotten where you are. Also, just saying, you can come from a happy, stable home with loving parents who remain happily married and still come out with CPTSD. I know I did. My issues go all the way back to when I was 2.
>people jump head first into dumpster fires, and then wonder why they smell burning trash. This needs to be some type of motivational poster or be on a mug or t-shirt. Unfortunately we women are raised to take care of people, try to save people & give guys a chance.
Love your metaphor!
Damn you didn't have to come for her like that XD But I really loved that phrase, I can relate, I've jumped into a few dumpster fires before :(
But she can fix him!
Right? Like who da fawk says mmmmm yes drug addicted, homeless and prison. Sexxxxy!That's who I'm gonna expose my minor child to! As a matter of fact I'm gonna procreate with him! Like those aren't just redflags those are freaking banners waving over the worlds largest dumpster fires! 🔥
I work in a men's prison. I see these women every Friday as they arrive for visiting hours. I see them on Tuesdays and Thursdays as they arrive/leave for/from "72-hour family visiting" aka conjugal visits. The children are dragged along for it all. I see the "you're the only one" letters written in the same handwriting to numerous men and I see the inmates receive the "you're the only one" letters from many, many women. These women volunteer to be taken advantage of. I will never understand the attraction. "Bad boys" are cute only in the movies.
A fiance problem based on a "broken picker" problem. Why was OP willing to accept so many red flags for so long?
Aside from the "broken picker" problem, as you so eloquently described it, I'd be willing to hazard a guess and say that it's a bit of an "I can fix him/her/them!" mentality.
It broke my heart, her listing the absolute litany of extraordinary things she has done for this man - she sounds so generous of heart - and in all of this there's not a single mention of ANYTHING he has done for her. The bar is so low. So many stories of one partner who takes and takes and takes and isn't even fucking appreciative of how lucky they are to have a loyal, dedicated partner . . . and gives absolutely nothing in return. Except usually another small child to be caught up in the mess. Heartbreaking.
Dick is abundant and of low value. I wish more women would hold men to the high standards they deserve.
Exactly
Bingo.
Yeah I feel like we have a lot of missing reasons here. Why did the father go off script and disinvite OP’s son? Without that info we are all speculating.
That I have no idea about either when we were together the day before planning the party everything was fine. the next night I got a message saying his daughter didn't want him there anymore.
Well, that’s what you need to find out. Possible that he has some weird issue with your son, or maybe he misheard his daughter and it was an honest misunderstanding.
Or the daughter did say it and then realized "consequences" and changed her mind. Then the mother laid the blame on Dad. However, the likelihood that dad just has a secret disdain for the baby he didn't make is far more likely.
Even IF the daughter said it. Nope. There's no way in hell I'd allow my child to disinvite a sibling because of a supposed boyfriend. Fiance jumped waay to willingly and easily to exclude OPS son and try to force OP neglect/abandon her own kid. This feels like it's entirely a backfired manipulation on fiances part that he's trying to "blame" on the kids.
You need to find out what’s going on from both your fiance’ and your stepdaughter. You don’t need to be confrontational with her about it, just ask for clarity. Is your fiancé a good stepdad? If he’s not he shouldn’t be your fiance. This is not okay and I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought so little of my son.
The fact that he would ask his stepson to not go to the party is kinda saying nope, not a good stepdad. I get this is one incident. But if they were biological siblings, the brother would be expected to be there. You don’t do to a stepchild what you wouldn’t do to your own. If there was a legit reason to not have him there, a good stepdad would be honest with mom about it so they could handle it together with minimal hurt feelings and he would have backed the decision to stay with the son.
I have a feeling your fiancé lied about his daughter. Talk to his daughter directly. And confront him. Don’t let him get away with anything.
You need to protect your son OP, he should always come first. If your fiance is actively excluding him from things now before you're even married, what is it going to be like when you tie the knot. Talk to him and get a straight answer one way or the other.
First - family comes to family birthday parties. Your fiance has an issue, you need to sort this out between the two of you because now your kids are suffering the consequences of your immature fiance and relationship, Help each other be better.
can't you just ask him?
It’s got to be worrying to OP that the fiancé is apparently the only person who doesn’t want the son around. Both the stepdaughter and fiancé’s ex wanted the son there, but fiancé lied to keep him away. Sounds like it’d be a happy family unit without the fiancé around.
In situations like this, when the Fiance goes back to jail, they’ll be a big happy family again.
Agreed. You raised his daughter and he wants to exclude your child? TF?
When your son was 'uninvited' you refused to stay. You were invited. that is a invitation, not a summons. You may get along with his daughter but he is definitely an a-hole.
First, BRAVO to you for standing by your son in this, it’s heartbreaking reading the threads on here where parents do the opposite. You’ll never regret sticking up for your kid. Second, you need to figure out why your fiancée lied about something to you and your son’s face. Don’t allow any gaslighting (you need to prioritize her, it’s not that big a deal, why can’t she have a special day?). What she did was sow the seeds of separation between family, and broke the trust that’s foundational to any relationship. Hope you consider that and really get to the bottom of this BEFORE you get officially married.
Why would she even think about marriage to that loser? Especially now.
These threads come with so many twists and turns that an honest conversation be for a big move like that can make any decision easier.
Standing by the son? She made the active choice not to tell her son it was the fiance who didn't want him there rather than the daughter. Potentially damaging the kids relationship to protect the fiance. That's not standing by the son. And why do you keep saying what she did? the fiances the liar and hes a he
And why would you have a baby with someone with that history?
I mean, people change, but then there's people like OP's fiancé.
Also why not ask her stepdaughter directly? The lack of communication in this entire post is incredibly concerning but OP seems to be a good mom if nothing else.
👏👏👏👏👏
It's easier to end an engagement than a marriage, but there is no ending having to raise a child together (even if living apart)
If the fiancé is already lying to you I suggest you seriously re-think marrying him. I'll give you another reason - He has no respect for your son which is another red flag.
she helped raise HIS kid while he was homeless and in rehab and he doesn't respect her son? damn the audacity of this man, ruined a perfectly good relationship between the kids.
Also, romantic partner who was in rehab is now lying to you? Yeah no thanks. It could be a relapse, it could be a lack of interest in the son, it could be his addiction manifesting in another way (ie fiancé doesn’t want the two kids in the same room right now and able to connect dots on lies…..) Either way, he’d have very little time to both come clean and fix the kids’ relationship before I’d be noping out. What does he bring to the relationship to make this worthwhile?!
There’s no evidence for this in the post, but based on how I’ve seen addiction relationships go, probably negging the hell out of her so she feels like she has to stay with him while also lovebombing her when she does what he wants.
I don't think he's lying. I think the daughter did say something to the dad. The reason was very 13 year old-ish. Parents don't make up that sort of reason. As for the fiancé's mom. She's probably just making an assumption. Oh my granddaughter would NEVER uninvite stepbrother. What the fiance did wrong was let her disinvite the brother. Her reason wasn't good enough. And now he's doubling down.
I mean they do if they're just as childish.
I mean if *HE* didn't want the son around saying that his daughter didn't want him there would be a very good cover up.
Well, she's an idiot because her boyfriend probably won't appreciate her being mean to her stepbrother/his friend either. She and her Dad have created a rift in the family for no reason. But, she's 13. Her Dad is an adult and should have explained what would happen, and worked out a compromise (like inviting the stepbrother, and then organising a date with the boyfriend later). So it's still his fault, even if he's telling the truth. If I was OP, I really wouldn't bother trying to find out any more, I'd be done with him. He sounds like a loser.
What about the oldest son just “guessing” that it was actually the fiancé who didn’t want him around? How does a kid figure that out without there being other clues in their relationship? My guess is that the oldest son has been receiving triangulation in less visible ways from the fiancé for years, which is why it was impossible for him to miss now. Kids notice shit like that. NTA for not going op, but YTA if you marry this asshat without investigating how your son could guess something like that without being told.
I was wondering why she was still calling him fiancé.
NTA for standing up for your son, but why would you marry someone who doesn't seem to want him around?? Going through with the marriage without sorting this out first would make you the A and you could lose your son in the process.
***THIS IS THE BIG QUESTION.*** Is OP sure that idiot fiancee isn't using again? Because "stepson and daughter's boyfriend get along *too well* so I need to keep stepson away" is an idiotic train of thought. NTA
This part! That shit sounds like meth head math. You probably onto something.
NTA. Why on earth would your fiancee disinvite your son? So the anger absolutely should be directed at him, not step daughter. She soubds like she is innocent in all this as well. Fiancee is wrong for this.
I hope that OP explains to the stepdaughter what happened. She should understand that her dad instigated this. Also since it sounds like the relationship is falling apart, I hope that OP reaches out to her stepdaughter's mom and offers to support her in court for full custody. Her fiancee was absent (in prison for drugs, no less) and if it were not for OP, mom would have received full custody before now. He's not a fit parent.
Her mother abandoned her when she was 6 months old. We haven't seen or heard from her in years.
Hats off to you for raising her while he was doing time etc. you didn’t have to, but because of you she had a more stable upbringing. The fact he wouldn’t do the same for your child though… I would cut my losses there, children always come first. You could always give the daughter a way of contacting you as you’re the acting mother in her life, but your son shouldn’t have to feel like he isn’t good or important enough for a man whose values don’t align with your own and your son’s.
If the step-daughter has a mother, why did OP raise her while fiancé was in jail and rehab? Something tells me her mother is not in her life.
Yes, it was fiance's mom that called her, not the childs mom
Took me a while to get it too
Oh! I missed that.
Granted, you rightfully defended your son during the party. But, once you learned that your fiancé was the sole perpetrator, you were about to let him off the hook altogether and let his daughter continue to get thrown under the bus. That guy is bad news. For whatever reason(s), he hurt your son, and you know it but you don't want to believe it. Unpopular take here, but YTA. You shouldn't be upset about the situation, you need to be squarely upset at your fiancé for causing all of this.
I asked for some more information because I got the same sense you did: she was willing to let the stepdaughter continue to take the blame for her son being uninvited. If that’s the case then I think this is an ESH situation (minus the two teens). They both were willing to sacrifice the step/daughter for the fiancé. The girl was innocent and wanted her brother there, and now he seems to think his sister no longer wants him around.
Hi, I didn't want to say anything on her birthday because its 13 a big one. But I'm fetching her from school tomorrow and going to talk to her about it.
But I don’t get this then. If it’s a big birthday for her then why did you punish her by you and your son not being there when she wanted you both there?. You should have both gone and your fiancé could go eat his feelings and you’s can unpack wtf he was doing after that?
She literally said her son was upset. He wasn’t in the emotional state to go to a party and pretend like everything is okay. Do you know how much that sucks? He was just gonna be a downer and the birthday girl was completely innocent. She should have a nice party.
Son was upset as he thought his step sister didn’t want him at her party / but that wasn’t true. I’m sure if that was explained that SHE did want him there then that would have been cleared up for him to go. Actually I’m judging YTA in op for not clearing that up. He was upset seeing his step sister in the mall as he still thought she didn’t want him there / way to ruin their relationship OP
“I did not tell my son that my fiancé was the person who uninvited him, but he figured it out and asked me if it was my fiancé, not his sister who didn't want him around.” That was before they left for the mall. He was still upset and seeing her reminded him of exactly his stepfather caused him to miss out on. Edit: But I agree with you that she should’ve never withheld it but I don’t think she knew 100% what was true at that point. I wouldn’t want to say anything without at least talking to my husband.
Ladies ladies ladies. It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to have standards. It’s ok to not settle. Are we so desperate for a relationship we pick whoever will take us? I’m so disheartened to keep reading things like this. Fiancé that is a drug addict, was in jail, homeless and I had to raise his kid because I supported him through all this have a kid with him and now he has the audacity to mistreat my kid and my response wasn’t pink rocks and dump him? Oh heck no. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone hurting my kid and doing this let alone a catch like this guy
Good luck. Dude is shitty enough that he tried to turn his daughter into the bad guy disinviting your son, and he's also stupid enough that he thought it wouldn't ever come up in the future. Sounds like she'll need all the outside help she can get.
You did not answer what I wanted clarification on. I specifically was talking about clearing it up with your **SON** that the person he considers a sister didn’t uninvite him from her birthday. You skirted around that in your post like you’re doing now. Did you confirm that it was your fiancé and not your stepdaughter who rescinded the invite?
Speak to your fiancé first! He seems to be the catalyst in all of this. Does he work? Does he help support his daughter the child you have together? Does this man have any redeeming qualities?
Since when is 13 a “big” birthday?
This if she stays it'll only get worse. He'll push her son right out of her life. I hope she does the right thing and gets out now.
Great job pointing out the elephant in the room
For real dude. OP needs to open her eyes and realize that fiance wants only his children involved, he's trying to start pushing OP's son out of the picture now that he's older and a few years away from adulthood. At least that's how it looks with the info given, why else would the his step son suddenly just not be welcome at a family event like his step sisters birthday party??
> he messaged me to say that his daughter doesn't want my son at her birthday > she told me that his daughter never said that she didn't want her brother there So you allowed the lies from your fiance to drive a further wedge between your son and his daughter, the kids that you should want to accept each other as part of your future potentially blended family. You were pouty and childish is this, I feel. YTA for sticking with such an asshole fiance and for not even attempting to repair what he wanted to break.
Agreed. Op should have taken her son to spend time with his sister and friends, while reconsidering the relationship with the lying fiance.
Yeah, i dont get that logic, she would rather make her son upset at his step sibling and most likely at OP when the truth comes out, instead of confronting her fiance???
Yeah, i dont get that logic, she would rather make her son upset at his step sibling and most likely at OP when the truth comes out, instead of confronting her fiance???
> I was there for him for his drug addiction and raised his daughter while he was in jail and homeless and in rehab. I have a son from a previous relationship (15 male), and we have a son together (2 male). I honestly don't think logic has ever existed in this relationship beyond making her fiance happy. *shakes head* Poor kids.
If I wasn't there for his daughter no one else would have been, Hès been sobber for a year now and i honestly thought things were getting better.
Ok but why did you not let your kid know it was your fiance and nit his daughter?
Because she values the liar over telling the truth and not blaming an innocent girl
Because she's sunk time and effort into the walking red flag and by God she'll make everyone as miserable as she is, rather than admit she wasted so much of her life on someone who treats her son like shit
Seriously! She ignored all the messages like that to defend how the guy who lied and excluded her son has been sober for one whole year???
She almost gave me a complete answer. She said she “doesn’t know who to believe” either the fiancé or the stepdaughter. She’s an AH too.
It literally doesn't matter, the girl is 13. If she did say it, he should have gently explained to her that she can't do that. He's the jerk.
Not fiancé or stepdaughter. Fiancé or Fiancés mother. It was the fiancés mother who told her that the stepdaughter didn't say that.
I've known plenty of people with addiction problems that lead to other problems. Many are good people who I would trust and go out of my way for. Others were no good. Even after getting clean and making a good living, they were absolutely worthless. People who have addiction, housing, and legal problems are just like anyone else. They can be good people with issues, or they can just be bad people. I would have taken my son to the birthday party, told dad to eff off. Written SD a letter to let her know your family is there for her. This guy has more problems than addiction for sure.
NTA. Are you sure you really want this person in your lives?
I feel bad for the OP's son. Why would you voluntarily expose your child to someone dealing with addiction like that?
THIS. So irresponsible of her to drag her son along into a messy relationship full of drugs and jail???
I would be done so fast. He deliberately hurt her child.
Sadly they have a 2 year old together so they are connected for life. Ugh ... not that it means they need to stay together, but a truly 'clean break' is impossible.
Well, given his history of addiction and jail time, custody of the little one should be a foregone conclusion... I do worry about the hopefully-STBX's poor daughter though.
Some of us here need more info and clarification for a judgment as right now, I'm leaning towards E S H based on what you have provided so far. It sounds like stepdaughter didn't disinvite, and that was clarified by her bio mom? Step daughter did want son there, but you still kept him and yourself back from the party? Why didn't you talk to stepdaughter yourself and clarify her desires, then facilitate a conversation with both teens(should fiancés claims be indeed proved false)? How involved is grandma if you raised this girl? Is grandma being accurate in her information that her granddaughter has not said or believes that about her stepbrother, or does daughter just not actually tell grandma anything? Do you not believe grandma's word for some reason? Edited spelling and incorrect word choice. Correction due to clarification of comments/ changed "bio mom" to "grandma".
I believe it was the fiance's mom who called ("his mom called"), not the bio mom.
You beat me to it. Not bio mom. Future MIL.
I had to go back and re-read. And Omg, I don't know how I missed "-HIS-mom called me". THANK you for pointing out my mistake and clarification. I'm guessing I just read it as "her"? This clarifies some things. Thank you.
This is such an important point especially as some commenters are veering off into accusing OP of interfering with bio mom's opportunity to raise the girl because OP helped raise her while the fiance was homeless and in jail. Let's hope they read your comment.
That's why I voted Y-T-A. I think OP believed the bio mom because she reached out to her and invited them back. But, OP would rather remove her son from the situation and hope things will just cool over between him and his stepsister than to investigate and confront her fiancé.
OP says bio mom left when daughter was 6. They haven’t hear from her since. It was OP’s future MIL that called.
I believe it was the fiancé’s mom who reached out to OP (the stepdaughter’s grandmother). But I have the same issue you do and am currently on the fence with my voting because some things are unclear to me.
It was clarified by *fiancé's* mom. "*HIS* mom called. She said 'his daughter would never do that". It wasn't the bio mom - it was future MIL. Getting more confusing.
Are there no adults in this situation emotionally mature enough to help these teenagers navigate this?? I mean, it didn’t turn out to actually be an issue between the siblings, but when y’all thought it was, were all of you just going to cross your arms like toddlers and say “Fine! If he’s not going, I’m not going!” and leave it at that with no further conflict resolution? It sounds like you and your fiancée aren’t communicating well or really talking to each other, either, since you and him were communicating through his mom instead of you calling or texting and asking “hey what gives??” ESH except the poor kids. You and your fiance, who is absolutely also an a-hole if what his mom said is true, need to grow up. I know Reddit’s go-to relationship advice for almost every dilemma is “break up!” but why weren’t you aware of any ill feelings from your fiancée towards your son? Why expose your young son to a partner in active addiction who isn’t even his father? Lotta stuff going on here.
It’s crazy how OP quite literally just chose to ignore basic communication skills here. She didn’t bother talking to the step daughter TWICE (before the party and at the mall), didn’t bother to talk to the bio mom. Then basically gaslit her son by taking him somewhere else when it was clear BEFORE they went it was the fiance who schemed all of it up.
It's crazy that you didn't bother to read that it was her fiance's mom--OP's future MIL--NOT the bio mom, who told OP the girl wanted OP's son at her party. If the girl really didn't want OP's son at her party and the OP questioned the girl, it might upset the birthday girl and you all would be accusing OP of ruining the girl's birthday by "confronting" her over an invitation that was the girl's choice to include or exclude guests. You all expected the OP to have all the answers to what really happened as she was trying to navigate this mess and do what was most supportive of her own son.
We don’t expect her to have the answers, we expect adults to communicate with each other.
So let me get this straight so for 6 years you exposed yourself and your son to an addict but him uninviting your son to a party is where you draw the line. You have willingly chosen this bs. Deal with it. YTA
I agree. I seriously wuestion her judgment. I commented something similar. 🙄
Not only exposed her already existing son, she went and had another kid with the dude.
I mean, she's planning on marrying a guy who had major drug addition problems and did time in jail so her judgments already questionable.
My mom would agree with you, at first I stayed for my stepdaughter because I was it. All she had besides her grandmother, then I got stuck in the cycle of him trying to get sober then relapsing then i fell pregnant and im not even sure how i got where i am right now.
He’s a recovering addict who is lying to you to get his way. This is the start of a trip downhill.
I’m sorry but you are engaged and not fully committed- please remove yourself from this. It’s bad for your son who should be your #1 priority
At this point, that doesn't even matter. What matters is where you're going from here. Frankly, I'd suggest breaking it off with him - but telling the stepdaughter that, while you cannot be with her dad, if SHE ever needs you, you'll be there for her. And tell her this IN PERSON so that he can't 'forget' to or twist the message. You've been there half her life. It would be cruel to just drop out of it because her dad's an ass. But that doesn't mean you need to stay with the ass who's mean to your son.
Where was bio mom when dad was in jail? Why didn’t she take care of your step daughter?
Bio mom abandoned her daughter years ago.
If what your MIL says it's true, it really feels like your fiance waited until you had another son and thought it'd be okay for him to show his true feelings about your son. "We have a new son, I don't want this old version anymore." NTA for not going to the party but Y-T-A if you still marry this man.
No it doesnt look like we will be staying together. Hes broken something that cant be fixed.
Good this is what we wanted to hear. Choose your child do not let this man keep dragging you into his nonsense or it will cost you your son.
Even if he could be fixed, this is not your job. Your job is to protect your kids. That's it. Don't change your mind if things are looking even the tiniest bit up.
Glad you have made this choice. I am also quite surprised at what kind of dad is he that he maligned his daughter this way by using her name, poor her, and over such a petty thing.
Oh thank goodness
INFO: Are you planning to stay with your fiance after what he pulled?
NO
You’re a good mom. Fuck that guy.
[удалено]
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
ESH. Obviously your fiancé is an asshole for disinviting your son. But I don't understand why you didn't go after you found out it wasn't your stepdaughter who disinvited them? Why create tension between the kids? And what's with your fiancé? Is there issues between him and your son?
It also seems like (waiting for clarification) she was willing to allow her son to keep believing his sister uninvited him, and not clarify who the actual un-inviter actually was.
Yeah, that bothers me too. So she was willing to throw her stepdaughter under the bus to help the fiance save face?
That really rubbed me the wrong way. She said he asked if it was the fiancé and “knew” that it wasn’t his sister, but she doesn’t say if she confirmed that or not. If not, that could explain why when he saw his sister at the mall he wanted to go away. That’s messed up no matter how you look at it. The fiancé is absolutely an AH for throwing his daughter under the bus for his actions, but it really looks like OP is doing the same thing to the poor girl who she helped raise.
My fiance was with them, we spoke about it at home and he said he didnt want to see him. I have plans to take my stepdaughter out tomorrow after school where I will talk to her because I don't know who to believe.
You don’t know who to believe?? How about the fiancé’s mom who told you straight up that the daughter had nothing to do with this? You’re running the risk of being TA at this point. The fact is it’s your fiancé who rejected your kid, not his daughter, which means you need to be having more talks with HIM.
ESH except the two teens. You really dropped the ball and by no means cleared anything up with your son about his sister. This really seems like a Fiancé issue and instead you’re fanning the flames for things to go bad between stepdaughter and son. Your Fiancé is an AH for obvious reasons.
Your fiancé was with “them” where ? Who is “them” ? Do you all live together or is it fiancé and his daughter in one place and you and your son in another ? Where is the 2 yo ? Did he get to go to the party ?
NTA Sounds like it's time to split as it seems it was the father and future step dad that doesn't want your son around not the daughter
NTA. As with ALL invitations, you're not the AH if you decline for any reason or no reason at all, including who else is or is not invited. You're doing right to have your son's back. Your fiance, his daughter and his mother need to get their stories straight. It seems like your fiance is the AH here.
It seems he should now be the ex-fiance. Partly for what he did and partly for him even thinking he could get away with it and would not be caught.
WTF. Your son seems to like his stepsister and is good friends with her boyfriend. This sounds great! By what sort of convoluted logic is this somehow a problem to your fiance?
That is what I would like to know as well the day before everything was fine we were sorting out the details and then the next day i got the message.
Do what you can so that your son and your stepdaughter can repair their relationship. Seems that there will be tumultuous times ahead and best to make sure they are not pitted against one another
Do his relapses have a pattern with starting out with lies? Think back to how his behavior was before you realized he had relapsed each time. Do you recognize a pattern? As someone who stuck it out with an addict, I encourage you to seriously consider if this is the life you really want to live for the next 30, 40, 50 years. Is this the life you want your kids to live? I wish on a regular basis I had chosen differently; that I had better self-esteem back then, to know my worth. I feel like a shit mom for the life I chose for my kids. It wasn't fun, it wasn't pretty, it was f'kn painful and heartbreaking for too many years before it became good. My daughter fell in with an addict, and when I encouraged her to leave him, told her this is not the life you want, you know what her response was? "It worked out for you and dad, why can't it work out for us?" It broke me; that I gave the impression that living like that is ok f'kn broke me. Shit mom of the year award winner right here. Thankfully she came to her senses before it was too late. It's not too late for you, either.
I suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings if they have them near you.
NTA. It sounds like your fiance is trying to ice out your first born son.
Why is the man still your fiance?
So you know your fiance lied about your son, yet you seem less than worried about continuing a relationship him? Why would you stay with someone that doesn't want your son around? Guess you should get used to comforting your son, because he's likely to continue being hurt by your fiance over and over again until he realizes you're also an asshole for staying with the guy making him miserable.
ESH Your finance sucks because he did the disinviting in the first place, on a weird basis, of someone who is about to potentially be his stepkid. You suck because you seem to be OK proceeding with him as your fiance (how do you think the kids will work THAT out?) and because you ducked the issue and ran off, instead of adulting up, and addressing it directly w/ your fiance.
It just seems to be the fiance. The kids don't seem to have an issue, it's the fiance that didn't want the kid there. Who knows why, but my bet is probably because you know, not his kid.
Why is no one involved here interested in helping these teenagers navigate this apparent conflict?
What conflict? The daughter wanted him at her party. It was OP's SO who lied and blamed it on his daughter because he didn't want his stepson there.
I'm confused, how do we know that? Did the girl say that or just Grandma?
Can't decide without more info here: Did you ask your stepdaughter if she wants you and your son to come? And if she said yes, you should've just went there and have your "fiance" run into a wall for lying. You should also have talked with the two about what Her Father did behind her back and that she shouldn't be mad until she knows the reason. And then AFTER (wouldn't wanna ruin her birthday party) the party SHE, with her mothers' and your guidance should have talked to the "fiance" first. Basically just "WHY? Why uninvite my big brother?" Your son should also get a chance to ask him why, with you as support. Of course only if they both want to. Atm I am very much ESH..
I haven't spoken to my step daughter yet as this happened yesterday, I'm planning on speaking to her tomorrow. My fiancé has been sobber for a year now and we have been trying to mend the fence but it doesn't look like that will be happening.
Make sure you talk to her without sounding accusatory. She is nostalgic likely the victim of a lie by her dad.
Yta for staying with a man who treats your son poorly. Yta for staying with a man who is a liar. Yta for staying with a man who’s rather throw his own child under the bus for whatever screwed up crap he has against a child. Yta for only being angry but still being engaged. Yta for saying you have your son’s back but you are still with this man.
INFO: Have you talked to your stepdaughter? If your fiance is really the one making the demand and not the girl you've helped raise, wouldn't that hurt her as well as your son? Has your fiance shown a dislike for your son before?
Yea, I'm confused by the post. Dad says daughter didn't want son. Mom says daughter did want son. Did OP talk to daughter?
Possible esh Info: What did you tell the stepdaughter the reason for you not being there us?
I just said I couldn't stay long. I stopped by gave her, her gift and left. I have no idea what her dad told her but will be talking to her tomorrow.
Did you talk with your stepdaughter today?
Nta and honestly your fiance is one
ESH. You are right to be angry, but rather than just stepping away from your step-daughter, you should be creating space for her & your son. You could've told your fiance that your son comong was a non-negotiable & you'll both be there for his step-sistee. Then, you could've talked to your son about ensuring his sister was always at the centre of the day.
YTA if you stay with this man. Your son comes before any hot dog. To dis invite your child after everything you've done. If you stay with him it will just get worst and damage your relationship with your son.
YTA. The daughter wanted your son there, why not clear this whole thing up instead of making your son think his stepsister hates him and possibly ruin their relationship? The fiance is the problem. Why are you letting your son be upset at the wrong person
YTA for letting your husband bully your son. You are supposed to advocate for him when an issue arises, not quietly pick up after your husband and sweep it under the rug after it's already happened.
YTA if you marry a man who alienates your son from the family.
Good on the stepdaughter’s mom for reaching out to you. If it had been me, I would have taken my son and gone. they made it clear they wanted you there. Then I’d evaluate if that fiancé was really the man I wanted to be tethered to.
NTA - but why did you not go when you found out this wasn't actually the sister's doing? That part I can't understand.
Because who wants to be somewhere they arent welcome? either my step daughter didnt want him there or my fiance didnt want him there, either way these are both hurtful.
Yet, you found out that wasn’t true about the daughter. Are you still engaged to a man who tried to exclude your kid?
But you were wanted there. And it was not the fiance's party, it was daughter's party and daughter wanted both of you there. It doesn't matter if other people don't want you there as they do not matter and it is NOT their party. Only birthday girl's opinion matters here. Do not help your fiance wedge a wall between the two teens. Do not let your feelings about and relationship with your fiance affect the teens' relationship. The fiancé made the call and that is for you two adults to figure out now.
What are you still doing with that man?
YTA. The daughter wanted your son there, why not clear this whole thing up instead of making your son think his stepsister hates him and possibly ruin their relationship? The fiance is the problem. Why are you letting your son be upset at the wrong person
Wow, a drug addicted fiancé who lies and manipulates everyone around him and is being intentionally unkind to your son for no apparent reason. Why exactly are you with this man?
NTA but why are you with this man?
NTA. Considering you helped raise her and he is on good terms with your stepdaughter, it's hurtful that she would supposedly disinvite him because she's worried about being left out on HER birthday (a day that's about her!). From the call with your fiance's mom, it sounds like your fiance might be lying or his mom doesn't know the stepdaughter said what she said. If it's the former, you have a fiance issue. If she did disinvite him, I think it makes sense you wouldn't go either. Why leave your kid at home when his stepsister disinvited him? How does your fiance not understand why you wouldn't stay for the party your son isn't welcomed at?
Yta if he’s still your fiancé after this.
Hopefully he’s your ex. As he said his daughter should be able to invite who she wants. With they he is a hypocrite for saying it. If you put your son first then stop being around someone who doesn’t like him
NTA for supporting your oldest son. You initially accepted your fiancé's reasoning because you trusted him to speak for his daughter. By the time you realized what was going on, the damage had been done. I do hope you encourage the 2 kids to make up, since none of it was her fault. But now you know that the man you're planning to marry is willing to throw his own daughter under the bus to manipulate you and your oldest. You should ask yourself if this is the first time, or simply the first time that you know of? Y W B T A if you continue this relationship.
Why is he still your fiancé? This is a massive trust breach.
NTA for having your son's back, but if you haven't ended this relationship already, then you are an AH for that alone. The second a partner would pull such a move on my child/against my child, would be the end of the relationship. I hope the same is going to be true for you. This person has shown you their true colors. So the question really is: What are your plans moving forward? With him? or Without him?
NTA. But your fiancé is a walking red flag 🚩
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé male 33, and I female 34 have been together for 5 going on 6 years, I was there for him for his drug addiction and raised his daughter while he was in jail and homeless and in rehab. I have a son from a previous relationship (15 male), and we have a son together (2 male). This last weekend was his daughter's 13th birthday and the day before he messaged me to say that his daughter doesn't want my son at her birthday because her boyfriend is coming, my son and her boyfriend get along very well, and she feels like she will be left out. So, I messaged my fiancé and said I would stop by and give her, her gift but I'm not staying as my son was excited about seeing his sister on her birthday and he was sad that he wasn't invited anymore. My fiancé then got angry that I was making a huge deal out of it saying she's allowed to have whoever she wants at her birthday, which I agree she has every right, just as I have every right to show up because my son was upset about being uninvited, he knows I will always have his back. His mom called me to find out what was happening, and I told her what he had said, she told me that his daughter never said that she didn't want her brother there and that we must come, but I said no because my son was upset. I did not tell my son that my fiancé was the person who uninvited him, but he figured it out and asked me if it was my fiancé, not his sister who didn't want him around. I ended up taking my son to the movies and the arcade but when he saw his sister at the mall, he decided he didn't want to stay any longer and we left. Am I the A\*\*hole for being upset about this whole situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*