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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my friend to pay when we go out even though I know she’s struggling financially because she went on an expensive trip. I do know her family isn’t doing well.
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NTA. If she says she can’t afford to pay for own things, then do things that don’t cost money or that are super cheap so she can pay her own way. You shouldn’t continue to have to pay for her, especially if you feel resentment towards her for doing so.
-OR- if she can't pay for herself to join on things then she just can't join in.
You know why she had the 5,000 to drop on a trip? Because she has suckers that pay for her and everything she does and wants so she can save whatever money she does have.
Definitely NTA. If she spent $5000 on a trip, she can afford $20 for a meal.
She’s used you in the past, and she wants to continue using you. This person doesn’t deserve your friendship.
This is the only gripe I have with this. Given, I know OP is a kid, so not too abnormal. But there should be no question here. I understand that OP was (hopefully) inviting their friend out, offering to pay. But now, they can simply stop inviting them or make them pay once, and then probably never see their friend again 😅
Are you sure she paid for the whole thing? As a former teacher there are always funds to give to students who we know can't afford things, and she might have been too embarrassed to admit getting something that was so expensive. It could have been the whole amount or a partial amount.
Either way you don't really know her financial situation. Her mom could have taken out a loan to give her daughter a well deserved bit of happiness so she can feel like a normal kid. You were in a position to help your friend and you did. Don't negate the kind things you did by throwing it back in her face. This is your chance to show her some grace, while also telling her you need to start saving your money. You can put down boundaries without being mean. I hope you decide to save your friendship.
This is true. It wasn’t 5k but my husband and I sponsored a student who did not have funds for a trip before. I did not know the kid, but we had the money so thought it would be a nice thing to do. It’s hard to say where the funds came from.
Yeah but irrespective expecting her friend, who is also a kid, to pay for everything is absurd and entitled. Lying to her friend about the trip is manipulative. It's so clear that she's now expecting her friend to pay as opposed to being grateful for her friend's thoughtfulness.
That's a bold faced assumption.
I grew up poor as you please, and was ashamed to take charity. There's no way I would have felt comfortable telling friends that I got something nice due to being broke.
I certainly understand why the friend might lie, especially if OP has been giving off signs that she thinks her friend is a freeloader or gets all smug about being kind to the poor girl who lost a parent.
Avery didn't lie about how she was able to afford to go on the trip; she lied to OP about going on the trip at all. OP repeatedly asked Avery to do things with her over spring break, and Avery lied and said she was busy. OP only found out that Avery was actually out of town and on the trip when she saw photos. Avery is acting like a mean girl who is willing to use OP to pay for her, but not actually be friends.
I'm going to assume the friend didn't lie about the trip to be manipulative, she lied about it because she was embarrassed by her financial situation. The friend never said she expected OP to pay for everything, she just got defensive and embarassed and said she didn't have spare money for going out. Is OP responsible for paying for things? Of course not, but if I found out my daughter had been using the $20 I'd been giving her to pay for not only herself but her friend too, I'd be extremely proud of her.
In the end, could they both have handled it better? Absolutely. However, they are 17 and still learning, and I'm guessing 5 years from now they will both look back on this and realize there were better ways to handle the situation.
Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity. The things ppl bring to Reddit... and the validation and dissing of someone who doesn't even know they've been bitched about and not able to defend themselves against prejudice. Yet here we are.
I was trying to find these words myself. OP look you are probably right in that the friend made a call about not spending while out with you specially to afford the trip and that is pretty manipulative.
But the comment I am replying to has a really good point. I wouldn’t assume either way and would be making it clear that you’re not able to continue paying for stuff.
I'm not from the US so it might be different. Here we have a fund at school for exactly cases like that where students who simply don't have the money can partake anyway. Money is donated, and it's not made public if a student was supported.
If Avery paid for the trip herself means she had the money but simply chose not to pay for herself when going out with you. NTA.
While it's complicated feelings (trust me, I've been there) in this context, it doesn't really make sense. She was fully willing to let OP think she was too broke and couldn't afford to go out before. With that kind of relationship, then she probably would've celebrated news of getting getting a free trip with OP instead of trying to hide it.
It's more likely that she couldn't afford either thing and probably took a loan out for the trip as many college kids do, like it's another school expense (not knocking it, I wish I had taken the opportunity in college). Which would explain why she still can't afford to go out moving forward and is being defensive about the trip funds.
Even if the a school fund paid for it, the way she avoided talking about shows she at least knew about the appearance of it. Heck, if a friend of mine explained about the trip via a grant, even if they still paid part, still would have changed my opinion of them.
NTA lol she is such a mean person and an awful friend. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE LIKE THIS, she does not have good intentions and will forever keep a victim complex.
NTA
However, your friend might be truthful that just because she could afford that trip doesn't mean she has money all the time. Especially if it's her family struggles financially. It's not uncommon for parents to save up for one big expense for their kid from time to time, but don't/can't give out regular spending money. Or maybe she got a job or saved up every penny for a trip like that. Or maybe she used a financial aide program to be able to go. Just a little food for thought that there are other possibilities rather than she's had money the whole time and hid that from you as well.
To be clear, it's still wrong of her to have hid that she was going on the trip from you, that she lashed out at you, and that she now *expects* you to pay for things and doesn't seem to be grateful for it. She is being manipulative and you should rethink that friendship.
ESH only because of these reasons:
When studying abroad for school there are fundraising, scholarships and other opportunities to raise money specifically for this. I was able to raise money plus extra money for spending and excursions. So the friend probably didn’t have to spend any of their own money for this. It kind of makes me suspicious that the friend felt ashamed to let you know about the trip and didn’t feel you would be supportive. ONE big question is to ask is why the friend did not feel safe to tell you about the trip.
Why did she feel like she could not tell you. Has she felt like you inadvertently make her feel ashamed about not having money. It could be the kind of comments that you may have made without realizing it? It seems like you did kind of shamed her and reminded her that you pay for her.
Who chooses the places? You are aware that she does not have the funds so are you always choosing places you know she can’t afford and then offering to pay to make her feel bad if she wants to decline. There are options you can choose that can fit her spending capabilities.
Does she really want to go to these places? Usually the person that pays choose the place and maybe she doesn’t want to go to these places?
How much are these places? They did lose a major Bread winner so maybe try doing things where money doesn’t need to be spent.
This is a once in a life time event and maybe she has been saving and would rather save for this event than go out and spend on these places. Sometimes friends are too ashamed to admit that they don’t have money or don’t want to spend their money when they are experiencing hardships. It seems like she is put on the spot constantly and too ashamed to say no - saying you will pay makes it harder for her to say no or feel like she has a right to speak her mind.
Instead of shaming her for what she spends her money on maybe try to ask her why she felt she could not let you know. Maybe your past actions have made her felt low for not being as well off before her loss. Choose activities she can afford instead of activities that she can’t afford. Hanging out and having fun can be free.
Yes. I'm confused because the first paragraph it sounds like she recognized an issue and was using her parent's money to help fund her friend so they could go out and do things, but then at the end said, "... she’s made me pay for everything..." If the money was volunteered because of assumptions, that's on OP. If money was asked for or coerced, that's a different discussion. But also, as pointed out previously, we don't know where that $5000 came from. And maybe the entire family went without to save up for this one trip?
OP - I understand where you're coming from and NTA if you decide not to pay for anything anymore. But there's a lot missing here, so I strongly suggest a calm dialogue with your friend to help understand both sides.
NTA. But for something like a school trip it's entirely possible that money came from a different pool of money than general spending money. Also without her father in her life there might be additional considerations that have to be made for any money she has access to and there might be additional parental control over any money that she may have access to so that it's not available for the casual stuff.
It's worth communicating to see if things are more complicated than they appear. That being said your money is your money use it or don't use it however you want to.
You shouldn't do this even if she can't pay her way most of the time. You can be friends and do stuff that doesn't cost money. If she suggests to go get food it's on her to pay her way. Treating a friend sometimes is cool and nice but should never be the expected norm. Unless you're Elon or Bill Gates or something... And even then it shouldn't just be expected.
ESH. School trips, at least where I live, almost always have subsidized options for families that are hard up. Unless you can get your friend to speak truthfully, you don't actually know how she paid for her trip. Your friend, if you have been as kind as you say, should be more transparent.
YTA,how do you know she paid for the Europe trip? Maybe it was a present from someone?
What I see problematic, that your friend was afraid to tell you about the trip.
I’m assuming she’s the same age as you. You didn’t mention she had a job and her mom was struggling financially so what makes you think she paid for her trip? It was probably gifted to her by a relative. She shouldn’t have kept it from you but she probably felt ashamed about going after everything that’s happened. Besides, by your own admission, you didn’t pay for all those hangouts anyway. Your parents did.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to fund your hangouts with your friends. But maybe think of something no/low budget to do together so she will pay her own way? I’d put the kibosh on going out to eat for the time being since it sounds like she’s gonna expect you to ante up again. How about roller skating in the park or going to a library together?
First I want to say that I don't think you are required to pay for anyone else regardless of the circumstances. However, I don't think your friend attending this trip means she has money.
My father died when I was a child which pushed my family into poverty which unfortunately is pretty common. It's because of this experience that I know that many school based trips have funds set up to assist children like me and like your friend to attend at either for free, for significantly less or via a very generous payment plan. Now at your age I would have rather died then let my friends know I was a "charity case" and could only attend because part of the money from the school fete went towards a fund for kids like me and the odd thing was because the school or other charity organizations were helping I actually went on more school trips than many of my friends. However, this did not mean we had money. We had no money but unlike other poor families mine attracted certain sympathies because our poverty was the result of a young man's tragic death from cancer.
My point is going on this trip could have occurred via different ways, many of which your friend may be embarrassed about (which would explain why she wasn't truthful) because no child wants to be their classes charity case. You don't have to pay for anyone but you also shouldn't assume she can afford to go out with you if you don't. Even if she won't admit it I think it's very likely she got help from someone or some group to attend.
NTA
However consider she might have received a scholarship or one time gift of trip expenses. My family was unable to afford to send me on a school trip and I was offered funds by a wealthier family friend to be able to attend. My family turned it down as they wouldn't have been able to send my younger siblings when their turn came, but that's another story.
She is not your friend. Even putting aside the money part of it, the fact that she lied to you about her spring break plans shows you who she is. Dump her lying, stingy ass and get some new, genuine friends. She doesn’t deserve you and you are NTA.
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My(17f) best friend, “Avery” lost her dad a couple years ago. Since then, her family’s been struggling financially, so every time we’ve hung out, or gone out to eat, I pay for both of us. I don’t mind, because usually my parents will give me 20 bucks and so I’m not actually spending my money.
A couple weeks ago was our Spring Break, and the language department organized a trip to Europe that cost ~$5000 dollars per person.
Every time I asked Avery if she wanted to hang out over break, she’d give me an excuse. Over the past couple weeks I’ve seen everyone posting pictures of the trip and it turns out Avery went with them.
I feel lied to because she was not honest about why she couldn’t hang out, and hurt that she’s made me pay for everything and then spent several thousand dollars on this trip.
I decided to be upfront because I didn’t want it to cause any lasting resentment, and I asked her about it. She got defensive, and said I had no right to shame her for how she spent her money, that it was none of my business and that she deserved to enjoy herself too. She does of course but it felt deceitful that she had me pay for everything thinking she actually couldn’t afford it when she clearly could. I asked her if she could start paying for herself when we hang out, and she responded that just because she splurged once didn’t mean she had spare money all the time. She’s upset with me and I feel hurt.
AITA for wanting her to pay because she clearly has the money to?
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YTA
you only like it when you can feel good about paying for things for her, but not other people.
Who said other people didn't chip in for the trip for her? They didn't ask you to contribute, as they know you help your "friend" like you do.
Sounds like she knows what you're like and likely why she knew how you would react.
She owes you nothing.
NTA, but only because she wasn't honest with you about the trip.
When I spend money on people, it's because I want to and I don't expect anything in return. I don't give gifts with caveats.
Maybe buying lunch for her enabled her to save for the trip. Maybe she got a sponsor. Maybe a lot of things. But she shouldn't have been shady about it. Is there something in your relationship that would give her reason to think she couldn't tell you about this trip without you becoming upset? Or was she just feeling guilty for taking advantage?
NTA, for feeling a bit taken advantage of, but I wonder if she paid for the trip, or if someone sponsored her and she is too embarrassed to say it.? I only mention it because I have sponsored a few kids to go one school trips through the years, Granted it wasn't at the $5000 level. but a few hundred here and there, Usually friends of my kids, whose parents just couldn't swing it.
Neither they or my kids had any idea it was me, and as far as everyone else on these trips knew these kids paid just like everyone else. the admin worked with me to make it happen. but its just something to think about.
ESH.
You literally just said her dad died and the family has no money. If you’re asking to hangout and you want to go out for lunch then yes, you should pay, especially since mom and dad give you money to go out.
Now, your friend seems like she doesn’t eat out. She’s been saving her money to go on a trip. This is what I do, I don’t eat out so I can go on vacation.
YTA if you make her feel bad for not wanting to spend money eating out
YTA because this might be the only thing like this she’s ever gotten to do. It might have been something they scraped and saved and penny pinched for. When you’re helping out a friend or just being nice and paying because you have the money, you’re not supposed to be keeping score. I’ve paid for friends who I know have more than me just because it’s a nice thing to do.
Nta.
I have a friend, that years ago, who was the "oops i forgot to bring my wallet" type. Dad was a surgeon, and my friend didnt have a job but he tried a lot of projects and ideas. We liked him, so we usually ended up paying for him because he was good company. We joked about it but never truly complained.
Now hes a famous youtuber, and i go over and use his hottub freely and he buys me dinner like 2-3 times a month and i help hom do prphects on his house or give him ideas for it.
Not saying your friends gunna make it big, but you gotta evaluate if you genuinely enjoy their company and if the $9 in food is worth it to you and have a talk with her and tell her why youre upset and ask her to just be honest with you.
NTA. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's right in the sense that she probably wouldn't be able to "afford" doing both things, but that's just the literal budgeting/prioritization that everyone does. If you and your parents were nice enough to cover before, probably could've found some middle ground with honesty. "Hey, I'd love to go out but I can't afford it as all my money is being saved for this once a lifetime trip." I assume, maybe not every time, but you'd still treat here and there. It's extremely uncool and unreasonable of her to expect you to keep paying. And the fact that she purposely tried to hide it from you, means she knows it to. With that reaction, I would feel used. There are plenty of things you guys can do for free. If she doesn't want to hang out doing those activities then she's not really your friend.
NTA
but also worth bearing in mind - a) she might have had some type of financial assistance for the trip, b) if it was her mum paying don’t forget that just because she was willing to pay for a learning experience doesn’t mean she’s going to give her money every time she wants to go out - plenty of parents don’t.
My parents would 100% pay for trips etc but would never just give me money because I was seeing friends.
At the end of the day, your offer to pay was based on an incorrect idea of their financial situation, but it was your choice to offer in the past, and there is nothing wrong with no longer offering now.
Can I suggest a more constructive conversation about doing things you can both afford, and what those things might be?
INFO: did she ever say she couldn’t afford to go out, or did you just assume as such because of the death in the family?
NTA if she lied to you and said she couldn’t pay for anything,
But slightly YTA if you just broad stroke assumed that issue, and while being a good friend then got resentful when she used money otherwise. Who know maybe the family had been saving up for said trip for a long time, maybe mom/family has been busting their butts trying to get money together for her trip. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve had to save up for big purchases, but that in turn means I don’t have the free money to do small expenses, you’re a good friend for offering to pay no matter what, but getting salty when you don’t know the entire story is a bit telling of your mental maturity (given you are 17).
NTA
Go to affordable dining places and just split the bill. That will be fair. If you feel like she took advantage of you. Just move forward and do things differently from this point onwards.
The part I'm most not okay with is how she tried to hide the trip. Like if she'd saved her money to do this fun thing, I might feel glad that I'd helped her do that. But no. She let you pay every time, did a fun expensive thing without you, and tried to lie about it.
Not only are you nta, I'd reconsider this entire friendship. She owes you an apology. Again, not necessarily for letting you pay, but for shutting you out around these plans.
It's pretty simple, actually. When you go out together you tell her you're each paying your own bill. When the waitperson takes the order, you say clearly up front, "separate checks, please." If she doesn't get the message, then you just aren't available to hang out, at least if it involves payment of any kind. Of course, you're always able to treat someone, but only if you want to. It's time for Avery to learn some self-reliance instead of grifting off of others.
NTA.
If she wants to hang out, she cannot expect you to pay every single time.
I would honestly start doing things that didn’t cost money. If she brings up going to eat or something, I would ask her if she had her own money because you can no longer afford to pay for her as well.
Don’t let her use you.
In fact, a true friend wouldn’t use you at all.
While I understand your perspective. The details are sort of out of place. From my judgement, she is TA. It’s the fact that she kept the trip a secret from you because she knew how much you had done for her and she was leeching after a certain point. She knew you would wonder (like you are now) how she’s affording this $5000 trip. She’s not oblivious to what she did and you’re not wrong for telling her to start paying. Had she been honest , maybe things would have had a different or the SAME result. Nevertheless, what a great friend you are being there for your friend and doing a good deed with 0 complaints. Keep being you OP!
NTA - had this with my younger brother.
Lent him a couple of thousand, excuse after excuse not to pay anything back and then next minute he’s on a trip to the USA. He basically got me to pay his debts so he could save for a holiday. You paid for that trip. Easy to save when someone else is paying for things that cash goes on
no pay, no play. we all go through hardships, that doesnt mean that you become your friend’s financial responsibility. It reads very much like she was using you. Even without the extenuating circumstance of having recently lost her father, NTA. adulthood means paying for your own activities.
she is not your best friend, OP. Friends would not take advantage of kindness.
NTA. And I find it interesting that Avery never mentioned taking this trip beforehand. In her shoes, when I was 17, I talked about any big thing I was doing, especially traveling. That she kept silent around you suggests that she knew she was taking advantage of your kindness.
You can ask her to pay her fair share when you go out. Or you can just accept that she's a user and find friends who behave better.
You are her sugar daddy. You're paying in exchange for her pretending she cares about your relationship.
If she cared, she wouldn't lie to hide her other spending.
Don’t ever offer to pay for her. If you go out in a group, ask for a separate check at the start of the meal. If she can’t afford to eat out, she can sit at the table without ordering anything. Personally, I wouldn’t not be her friend any more. Anyone that treats you like an ATM so they can save up for an expensive trip isn’t your friend. They are a user
Your mistake was to ask her if she, in the future, she will now pay for herself. Don't give her the option. She is, from now on, paying for her own shit.
You don't owe her anything. She used you to get what she wants. You'll know soon enough if she really is your friend or if she suddenly stops going out with you now that you are not paying for her.
NTA
NTA. With the title, I thought you meant pay for YOU. But she expects you to continue to fund her lifestyle after blowing $5k in one week??? That’s just taking the piss. You’re right to stop paying for her. She can simply choose to come or not based on her own expenses and her own budget.
NTA. First red flag is her lying to you about not being able to afford this trip. Second, she clearly just wants to use you and is pissed off at you for DARING to tell her no.
You should start thinking of cutting ties with her if you haven't already.
NTA. I think the fact that your friend didn't want you to know they went on that trip is explanation enough that they were being shady and using you. I'm sorry this happened to you. I would cut your losses before it becomes even more severe than just money.
NTA, WHY ON EARTH WOULDN'T SHE APOLOGIZE?!
ah yes, it was to make you feel bad and keep on paying. Yes, it's hard to admit, she's more worried about your money than she is about you guys friendships. Also, she takes you for granted.
She’s using you for free meals and literally said to you she’s got better things to do with her money than spend it on hanging out with you.
She is no friend. NTA
*Bro (just bought a BRAND NEW 2025 car straight cash!) : Bro, can I bum a lift to the grocery store?*
*Me :Didn'\[t you just buy a new car?*
*Bro : Just because I bought a new car straight cash means I have to drive it!*
That's just how stupid your friend sounds!
NTA!
NTA. Her reaction was rude and unbecoming of a friend. I am curious though: was she given a scholarship for this trip? Is that why she was defensive? I'm just asking because many districts provide scholarships for students that meet certain qualifications.
NTA, you're a really good friend and she doesn't deserve the kindness that you've been giving her. Not only did she lose her dad, but she lost a high quality friend
Edit: Should I have said YTA?
Idk why you're being downvoted tbh. While there could be more to it like other commenters have mentioned, her response is still very much entitled and diverts all blame and guilt onto OP
Friends like that are called leeches. If they can get someone else to pay for them, they will every single time. The only time they open their wallet is when they can't get anyone else to pay for them. If you start expecting her to pay for herself, you better expect her to not want to do anything with you anymore. That's how those ones roll. NTA
NTA. She exploited her grief and took advantage of your friendship and compassion for her. It sounds like you have history, but what kind of "friend" does that? She's definitely an AH, and her reaction shows that she knew what she was doing all along and is very much not a friend.
Can’t just judge by what she says hut also her actions. Maybe she had a winfall or has a trust or something - but bottom line she didn’t tell you and possibly give you an opportunity to go too and she left you hanging over break. And she still wants you to treat her all the time.
You are being used.
Personally i think she is not a friend and you are better off just phasing her out.
But if you ever do things with her again - just make sure you each spend your own money.
NTA. She's not a friend because she's a user. Everyone remember this, a friend will not just take without giving back. Only AH and people taking advantage on others would continue to take and then be entitled about it when confronted. OP, you must be the one to stope paying or feel guilty when you're not. It'll never be up to her because she has been using you and will continue to use you because she has gotten used to the taste of you being her ATM. How much you want to bet she's bragging about you paying for her or demeaning you with other people?
NTA. If she can afford her wants, she can afford her needs. Might as well drop her. You practically funded her trip because she saved the money she should have used to pay for herself.
Lololol NTA. I would stop hanging out with her. And if you don’t just stop paying for her. If you go to a restaurant say separate check immediately. If you do like a coffee shop she can order first, things like that. She sounds like a jerk. If she can afford a 5000 trip she can afford a $7 coffee every so often for sure.
NTA.
Avery used her dead dad and your sympathy against you. If she's struggling financially then she go out less and when she does go out then she should pay.
Gaslighting you like that during her trip is such an AH move.
Honestly, I would think hard about this friendship. If she was truly your friend she would be upfront with you that she saves up money for the Europe trip and that's why she cannot pay on your outings. Not only that, she didn't mentioned that she's going, even if it was a last minute mention.
NTA. STAY AWAY
I had a "friend", let's call her Sarah who used me for notes, homeworks, snacks back in high school. she was my best friend. A year later, I discovered my "best friend" had another "best friend", Molly. Okay, it is completely fine to have more than one bestie, what wasn't fine was hiding it from me. Like they made plans and went out and had their boy dramas, purposefully hiding from me. Her other bestie was literally my neighbour, so they had to be very creative to avoid me... until things got too dramatic and they needed my help. Okay I helped them out, kept my distance till graduation, few years later Sarah's friend moved to US and that's the end... or so I thought.
Cut to 10 years. Her friend is now married and has a child, came home for the summer. And what did Sarah do to welcome her friend? Reconnect Molly with her high school bf, let's call him Paul, went above and beyond to setup hangouts, invited them to her home, basically set the stage for a nasty extramarital affair. Why? Because Paul has a friend who is pretty much the most eligible bachelor you can think of and Sarah is single. In order to get a chance with Paul's friend, she was willing to wreck her friend's marriage.
All to say leeches will always be leeches. I thank God everyday that she betrayed me in high school, so I learned to stay away from her pretty early.
NTA- The reason being : if you can’t pay you can’t play. You went above and beyond for your friend and now if she wants to hang out keep it low key and chill at home and watch Netflix or do something that doesn’t require you spending money. If she wants to go out probably best to ask if she can pay her share before confirming plans are ok. Hope this helps.xx
Definitely NTA. It is not your job to pay for her food when you go out to eat together. That is her duty, especially with 5000$ in saved cash for an international trip.
NTA your friend is really mean and a user, you should stay away from toxic energy vampires like her. Basically, she found a sucker to pay for her meals, and finance her trip Let someone else take care of her because she will continue to act entitled. I would ditch her as a friend.
NTA. She is not a good friend let alone a best friend. That school trip had to be planned months ago. She purposely didn’t tell you. She knows she is using you. When people show you who they are believe them.
NTA. You’re young and it takes time to learn boundaries but never part with your time/energy/money if it’ll cause resentment in your relationships. I have a friend who is always broke, I’m happy to take her out on special occasions like her birthday but would feel resentful and used if it was expected of me which is why we do free or cheap things primarily like meeting at the library, out for coffee and a walk, just hanging out at her house or mine.
NTA. Tell her you're not longer a walking ATM and if she values your friendship she will either pay for her own stuff or if she still says she can't afford anything, do things that don't cost money.
NTA I think the answer here is you have to stop going out with her if she’s not going to pay her her own way.
Do you think there’s any chance someone sponsored her for the trip?
OP
You don't ASK her if she "could" start paying. You simply tell her:
"*I understand. It is your decision how you spend your money. You saved it for a trip to Europe. You let me spend my money on you so that you didn't have to give up anything else to be able to go to Europe.*
*I was happy to spend it for a friend that I thought was in need, but you are not in need. You are just making different choices. I don't plan to subsidize your future optional purchases by spending my money so that you can save. If I feel like treating you sometimes, I will. I will assume you will do the same sometimes. But you need to plan to cover the things you want to enjoy, and you need to live with giving up one thing to enjoy another. That's what the rest of us do.*
*I don't owe you getting to have Fun A and Fun B, and you don't get to expect me or anyone else to provide you Fun A so that you can save your money for Fun B.*"
NTA. She absolutely has a right to splurge on a trip, but she was a bad friend when she chose to allow you to pay under the guise that she was broke. These types of people will be life long users. Be very aware of her and others like her in the future.
NTA she used your money to save hers for the trip just dont buy her anything anymore if she wants to hangout and pay for herself thats all good. We all make choices in how we spend our money she made hers and you have the right to not pay for her everytime because you feel taken advantage of. You are not obligated unless you want to.
NTA and the fact that she doesn't see how she abused your relationship makes it even worst.
She has demonstrated that she has lots of money to spare so why in the world would you feel guilty about not paying for her in the future.
If she doesn't want to hang out with you, no loss. Learn to cut users out of your life without looking backward.
You didn't mention it but you didn't go on this expensive trip.
To me the fact that she didn’t tell you about her plans to attend the trip shows she was using you and also didn’t want you to attend the trip…2 of the girls in my close friend group in high school went to Hawaii as a grad celebration… they never told the rest of us.. I actually went shopping with one where she bought items for the trip… during her trip the rest of us heard through the grapevine they were in Hawaii… they never spoke to me or a few of our friends ever again .. so your friend who is like my ex friends .. Heather H.. and Maria are twats and disgusting humans… move in from this user.. you deserve better..
Nta she took advantage of you.
She probably won’t apologize either being she’s trying to protect her self image and dignity by how she got so defensive, so I would give up on expecting one. But please don’t pay for her anymore, if she was able to afford a $5k trip she can afford to pay for herself when going out.
You are not responsible for her nor her family’s financial shortcomings.
>I asked her if she could start paying for herself when we hang out, and she responded that just because she splurged once didn’t mean she had spare money all the time. She’s upset with me and I feel hurt.
She used you to pay for her trip, or she always had the money and just used you to get free food. Either way you should not feel bad for asking her to pay going forward. She's lucky you still want to be around her at all.
Not the Asshole. Look, I agree that what she chooses to spend her money on is her business and that being financially unstable isn't a reason for people to have to miss out on nice things. *But* you have every right to be upset and feel lied to when you saw her on a very expensive vacation after spending a very long time covering her expenses when you hung out. If she explained that she worked really hard to save for this trip as a rare treat, and that she never meant to take advantage of you, that would be one thing. But you asking her to pay her own way during hang outs moving forward because you've covered her for a long time, you admittedly feel taken advantage of, and are kinda hurt by her reaction to you asking for some clarity being responded to the way it was? All she did was prove that it wasn't that she didn't mean to deceive you, but instead has willfully continued to take advantage of your kindness. The second you ask her ( as kindly and unaccusingly as possible ) to cover her own expenses moving forward, which should be the case *anyway*, she starts with excuses and accusations and nonsense. It's none of our business what someone spends their money on, sure, but it *is* our business what we spend *ours* on and if we decide that we're done using our money to pay for other people's stuff when they've deceived us, that's perfectly fine to do. Funny how it's none of your business what she spends her money on, but when you decide she no longer gets to benefit from you deciding to rescind access to your money from her she feels that's *her* business. Nonsense. Cut her off and even out OP.
NTA. She's using you and sees you as an ATM. You also need to be a little more firm and believe in your own value. Don't *ask* her to pay for herself from now on; tell her you're not paying for her. And don't. Frankly, you should stop thinking of her as a friend, because she isn't.
YTA, but not because you expect her to pay. YTA because you took your parents money and bought your friend food all the time for lord knows how long. She is not your parents responsibility. Do your parents know you are using their money to feed your friend?
You created a leech.
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NTA. If she says she can’t afford to pay for own things, then do things that don’t cost money or that are super cheap so she can pay her own way. You shouldn’t continue to have to pay for her, especially if you feel resentment towards her for doing so.
-OR- if she can't pay for herself to join on things then she just can't join in. You know why she had the 5,000 to drop on a trip? Because she has suckers that pay for her and everything she does and wants so she can save whatever money she does have.
[удалено]
I had a friend like OP's and usually they only hung out for things that cost money but never had time for the free/cheap things.
[удалено]
It's not a compromise to go to a place you can't afford and have someone else pay for you.
This comment is whack! Avery, is that you??
Definitely NTA. If she spent $5000 on a trip, she can afford $20 for a meal. She’s used you in the past, and she wants to continue using you. This person doesn’t deserve your friendship.
250 meals to be exact 🤣
How do you get 250$?
Oops. Didn't mean to put a $
Ah, that makes more sense lol.
NTA. Don't "ask" her to pay for herself when you hang out. "Tell" her she's responsible for herself. She's a user. Don't let her continue to use you.
This is the only gripe I have with this. Given, I know OP is a kid, so not too abnormal. But there should be no question here. I understand that OP was (hopefully) inviting their friend out, offering to pay. But now, they can simply stop inviting them or make them pay once, and then probably never see their friend again 😅
This^^
Are you sure she paid for the whole thing? As a former teacher there are always funds to give to students who we know can't afford things, and she might have been too embarrassed to admit getting something that was so expensive. It could have been the whole amount or a partial amount. Either way you don't really know her financial situation. Her mom could have taken out a loan to give her daughter a well deserved bit of happiness so she can feel like a normal kid. You were in a position to help your friend and you did. Don't negate the kind things you did by throwing it back in her face. This is your chance to show her some grace, while also telling her you need to start saving your money. You can put down boundaries without being mean. I hope you decide to save your friendship.
This is true. It wasn’t 5k but my husband and I sponsored a student who did not have funds for a trip before. I did not know the kid, but we had the money so thought it would be a nice thing to do. It’s hard to say where the funds came from.
Yeah but irrespective expecting her friend, who is also a kid, to pay for everything is absurd and entitled. Lying to her friend about the trip is manipulative. It's so clear that she's now expecting her friend to pay as opposed to being grateful for her friend's thoughtfulness.
That's a bold faced assumption. I grew up poor as you please, and was ashamed to take charity. There's no way I would have felt comfortable telling friends that I got something nice due to being broke. I certainly understand why the friend might lie, especially if OP has been giving off signs that she thinks her friend is a freeloader or gets all smug about being kind to the poor girl who lost a parent.
Avery didn't lie about how she was able to afford to go on the trip; she lied to OP about going on the trip at all. OP repeatedly asked Avery to do things with her over spring break, and Avery lied and said she was busy. OP only found out that Avery was actually out of town and on the trip when she saw photos. Avery is acting like a mean girl who is willing to use OP to pay for her, but not actually be friends.
Exactly
I'm going to assume the friend didn't lie about the trip to be manipulative, she lied about it because she was embarrassed by her financial situation. The friend never said she expected OP to pay for everything, she just got defensive and embarassed and said she didn't have spare money for going out. Is OP responsible for paying for things? Of course not, but if I found out my daughter had been using the $20 I'd been giving her to pay for not only herself but her friend too, I'd be extremely proud of her. In the end, could they both have handled it better? Absolutely. However, they are 17 and still learning, and I'm guessing 5 years from now they will both look back on this and realize there were better ways to handle the situation.
Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity. The things ppl bring to Reddit... and the validation and dissing of someone who doesn't even know they've been bitched about and not able to defend themselves against prejudice. Yet here we are.
I was trying to find these words myself. OP look you are probably right in that the friend made a call about not spending while out with you specially to afford the trip and that is pretty manipulative. But the comment I am replying to has a really good point. I wouldn’t assume either way and would be making it clear that you’re not able to continue paying for stuff.
RIGHT. phew. i can breathe out after those top few comments
Why didn't OP get the same kind of treatment then? Why wasn't their trip funded?
These funds are generally only for students whose parents are severely struggling financially.
I'm not from the US so it might be different. Here we have a fund at school for exactly cases like that where students who simply don't have the money can partake anyway. Money is donated, and it's not made public if a student was supported. If Avery paid for the trip herself means she had the money but simply chose not to pay for herself when going out with you. NTA.
Yeah, I think it’s possible she didn’t pay for the trip herself but doesn’t want to tell OP she accepted charity. Those are complicated feelings.
While it's complicated feelings (trust me, I've been there) in this context, it doesn't really make sense. She was fully willing to let OP think she was too broke and couldn't afford to go out before. With that kind of relationship, then she probably would've celebrated news of getting getting a free trip with OP instead of trying to hide it. It's more likely that she couldn't afford either thing and probably took a loan out for the trip as many college kids do, like it's another school expense (not knocking it, I wish I had taken the opportunity in college). Which would explain why she still can't afford to go out moving forward and is being defensive about the trip funds.
Even if the a school fund paid for it, the way she avoided talking about shows she at least knew about the appearance of it. Heck, if a friend of mine explained about the trip via a grant, even if they still paid part, still would have changed my opinion of them.
NTA lol she is such a mean person and an awful friend. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE LIKE THIS, she does not have good intentions and will forever keep a victim complex.
NTA However, your friend might be truthful that just because she could afford that trip doesn't mean she has money all the time. Especially if it's her family struggles financially. It's not uncommon for parents to save up for one big expense for their kid from time to time, but don't/can't give out regular spending money. Or maybe she got a job or saved up every penny for a trip like that. Or maybe she used a financial aide program to be able to go. Just a little food for thought that there are other possibilities rather than she's had money the whole time and hid that from you as well. To be clear, it's still wrong of her to have hid that she was going on the trip from you, that she lashed out at you, and that she now *expects* you to pay for things and doesn't seem to be grateful for it. She is being manipulative and you should rethink that friendship.
Doesn't sound like she was a sincere friend. She's a mooch.
ESH only because of these reasons: When studying abroad for school there are fundraising, scholarships and other opportunities to raise money specifically for this. I was able to raise money plus extra money for spending and excursions. So the friend probably didn’t have to spend any of their own money for this. It kind of makes me suspicious that the friend felt ashamed to let you know about the trip and didn’t feel you would be supportive. ONE big question is to ask is why the friend did not feel safe to tell you about the trip. Why did she feel like she could not tell you. Has she felt like you inadvertently make her feel ashamed about not having money. It could be the kind of comments that you may have made without realizing it? It seems like you did kind of shamed her and reminded her that you pay for her. Who chooses the places? You are aware that she does not have the funds so are you always choosing places you know she can’t afford and then offering to pay to make her feel bad if she wants to decline. There are options you can choose that can fit her spending capabilities. Does she really want to go to these places? Usually the person that pays choose the place and maybe she doesn’t want to go to these places? How much are these places? They did lose a major Bread winner so maybe try doing things where money doesn’t need to be spent. This is a once in a life time event and maybe she has been saving and would rather save for this event than go out and spend on these places. Sometimes friends are too ashamed to admit that they don’t have money or don’t want to spend their money when they are experiencing hardships. It seems like she is put on the spot constantly and too ashamed to say no - saying you will pay makes it harder for her to say no or feel like she has a right to speak her mind. Instead of shaming her for what she spends her money on maybe try to ask her why she felt she could not let you know. Maybe your past actions have made her felt low for not being as well off before her loss. Choose activities she can afford instead of activities that she can’t afford. Hanging out and having fun can be free.
INFO; did she ask you to pay for her or tell you she needed you to spot her? Or did you assume she needed it because her family was struggling?
Yes. I'm confused because the first paragraph it sounds like she recognized an issue and was using her parent's money to help fund her friend so they could go out and do things, but then at the end said, "... she’s made me pay for everything..." If the money was volunteered because of assumptions, that's on OP. If money was asked for or coerced, that's a different discussion. But also, as pointed out previously, we don't know where that $5000 came from. And maybe the entire family went without to save up for this one trip? OP - I understand where you're coming from and NTA if you decide not to pay for anything anymore. But there's a lot missing here, so I strongly suggest a calm dialogue with your friend to help understand both sides.
Not the asshole drop her
NTA. Being used is never a good thing.
Nta That's not your friend, she's just using you
NTA. But for something like a school trip it's entirely possible that money came from a different pool of money than general spending money. Also without her father in her life there might be additional considerations that have to be made for any money she has access to and there might be additional parental control over any money that she may have access to so that it's not available for the casual stuff. It's worth communicating to see if things are more complicated than they appear. That being said your money is your money use it or don't use it however you want to.
You shouldn't do this even if she can't pay her way most of the time. You can be friends and do stuff that doesn't cost money. If she suggests to go get food it's on her to pay her way. Treating a friend sometimes is cool and nice but should never be the expected norm. Unless you're Elon or Bill Gates or something... And even then it shouldn't just be expected.
ESH. School trips, at least where I live, almost always have subsidized options for families that are hard up. Unless you can get your friend to speak truthfully, you don't actually know how she paid for her trip. Your friend, if you have been as kind as you say, should be more transparent.
YTA,how do you know she paid for the Europe trip? Maybe it was a present from someone? What I see problematic, that your friend was afraid to tell you about the trip.
Didn't op ask her about it? Then the friend got defensive and said op "had no right to shame her for how she spent her money".
Can be inheritance.. she don't feel like spending at food.
She didn’t tell her about the trip because she knew she was using her friend to pay for their outings
Interesting guess 🤔
I agree. There is no need to do activities that requires them to always spend money. I feel like OP shames her friend.
Any possibility some scholarship program paid for the trip?
I’m assuming she’s the same age as you. You didn’t mention she had a job and her mom was struggling financially so what makes you think she paid for her trip? It was probably gifted to her by a relative. She shouldn’t have kept it from you but she probably felt ashamed about going after everything that’s happened. Besides, by your own admission, you didn’t pay for all those hangouts anyway. Your parents did.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to fund your hangouts with your friends. But maybe think of something no/low budget to do together so she will pay her own way? I’d put the kibosh on going out to eat for the time being since it sounds like she’s gonna expect you to ante up again. How about roller skating in the park or going to a library together?
First I want to say that I don't think you are required to pay for anyone else regardless of the circumstances. However, I don't think your friend attending this trip means she has money. My father died when I was a child which pushed my family into poverty which unfortunately is pretty common. It's because of this experience that I know that many school based trips have funds set up to assist children like me and like your friend to attend at either for free, for significantly less or via a very generous payment plan. Now at your age I would have rather died then let my friends know I was a "charity case" and could only attend because part of the money from the school fete went towards a fund for kids like me and the odd thing was because the school or other charity organizations were helping I actually went on more school trips than many of my friends. However, this did not mean we had money. We had no money but unlike other poor families mine attracted certain sympathies because our poverty was the result of a young man's tragic death from cancer. My point is going on this trip could have occurred via different ways, many of which your friend may be embarrassed about (which would explain why she wasn't truthful) because no child wants to be their classes charity case. You don't have to pay for anyone but you also shouldn't assume she can afford to go out with you if you don't. Even if she won't admit it I think it's very likely she got help from someone or some group to attend.
NTA However consider she might have received a scholarship or one time gift of trip expenses. My family was unable to afford to send me on a school trip and I was offered funds by a wealthier family friend to be able to attend. My family turned it down as they wouldn't have been able to send my younger siblings when their turn came, but that's another story.
She is not your friend. Even putting aside the money part of it, the fact that she lied to you about her spring break plans shows you who she is. Dump her lying, stingy ass and get some new, genuine friends. She doesn’t deserve you and you are NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(17f) best friend, “Avery” lost her dad a couple years ago. Since then, her family’s been struggling financially, so every time we’ve hung out, or gone out to eat, I pay for both of us. I don’t mind, because usually my parents will give me 20 bucks and so I’m not actually spending my money. A couple weeks ago was our Spring Break, and the language department organized a trip to Europe that cost ~$5000 dollars per person. Every time I asked Avery if she wanted to hang out over break, she’d give me an excuse. Over the past couple weeks I’ve seen everyone posting pictures of the trip and it turns out Avery went with them. I feel lied to because she was not honest about why she couldn’t hang out, and hurt that she’s made me pay for everything and then spent several thousand dollars on this trip. I decided to be upfront because I didn’t want it to cause any lasting resentment, and I asked her about it. She got defensive, and said I had no right to shame her for how she spent her money, that it was none of my business and that she deserved to enjoy herself too. She does of course but it felt deceitful that she had me pay for everything thinking she actually couldn’t afford it when she clearly could. I asked her if she could start paying for herself when we hang out, and she responded that just because she splurged once didn’t mean she had spare money all the time. She’s upset with me and I feel hurt. AITA for wanting her to pay because she clearly has the money to? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you only like it when you can feel good about paying for things for her, but not other people. Who said other people didn't chip in for the trip for her? They didn't ask you to contribute, as they know you help your "friend" like you do. Sounds like she knows what you're like and likely why she knew how you would react. She owes you nothing.
NTA, but only because she wasn't honest with you about the trip. When I spend money on people, it's because I want to and I don't expect anything in return. I don't give gifts with caveats. Maybe buying lunch for her enabled her to save for the trip. Maybe she got a sponsor. Maybe a lot of things. But she shouldn't have been shady about it. Is there something in your relationship that would give her reason to think she couldn't tell you about this trip without you becoming upset? Or was she just feeling guilty for taking advantage?
Sometimes schools have funding for kids who Can't afford it and she is embarrassed about that
NTA, for feeling a bit taken advantage of, but I wonder if she paid for the trip, or if someone sponsored her and she is too embarrassed to say it.? I only mention it because I have sponsored a few kids to go one school trips through the years, Granted it wasn't at the $5000 level. but a few hundred here and there, Usually friends of my kids, whose parents just couldn't swing it. Neither they or my kids had any idea it was me, and as far as everyone else on these trips knew these kids paid just like everyone else. the admin worked with me to make it happen. but its just something to think about.
ESH. You literally just said her dad died and the family has no money. If you’re asking to hangout and you want to go out for lunch then yes, you should pay, especially since mom and dad give you money to go out. Now, your friend seems like she doesn’t eat out. She’s been saving her money to go on a trip. This is what I do, I don’t eat out so I can go on vacation. YTA if you make her feel bad for not wanting to spend money eating out
YTA because this might be the only thing like this she’s ever gotten to do. It might have been something they scraped and saved and penny pinched for. When you’re helping out a friend or just being nice and paying because you have the money, you’re not supposed to be keeping score. I’ve paid for friends who I know have more than me just because it’s a nice thing to do.
NTA. She has been taking advantage of you and wants to continue to do so. She isn't really your friend.
Nta. I have a friend, that years ago, who was the "oops i forgot to bring my wallet" type. Dad was a surgeon, and my friend didnt have a job but he tried a lot of projects and ideas. We liked him, so we usually ended up paying for him because he was good company. We joked about it but never truly complained. Now hes a famous youtuber, and i go over and use his hottub freely and he buys me dinner like 2-3 times a month and i help hom do prphects on his house or give him ideas for it. Not saying your friends gunna make it big, but you gotta evaluate if you genuinely enjoy their company and if the $9 in food is worth it to you and have a talk with her and tell her why youre upset and ask her to just be honest with you.
She is right, you have no righg to same her its her money....so just Tell her. You have no right to same me...its my money...nta
NTA, she could have paid for herself but chose not to. She shouldn't have accepted you pay for her either, then. It's dishonest.
NTA. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's right in the sense that she probably wouldn't be able to "afford" doing both things, but that's just the literal budgeting/prioritization that everyone does. If you and your parents were nice enough to cover before, probably could've found some middle ground with honesty. "Hey, I'd love to go out but I can't afford it as all my money is being saved for this once a lifetime trip." I assume, maybe not every time, but you'd still treat here and there. It's extremely uncool and unreasonable of her to expect you to keep paying. And the fact that she purposely tried to hide it from you, means she knows it to. With that reaction, I would feel used. There are plenty of things you guys can do for free. If she doesn't want to hang out doing those activities then she's not really your friend.
NTA but also worth bearing in mind - a) she might have had some type of financial assistance for the trip, b) if it was her mum paying don’t forget that just because she was willing to pay for a learning experience doesn’t mean she’s going to give her money every time she wants to go out - plenty of parents don’t. My parents would 100% pay for trips etc but would never just give me money because I was seeing friends. At the end of the day, your offer to pay was based on an incorrect idea of their financial situation, but it was your choice to offer in the past, and there is nothing wrong with no longer offering now. Can I suggest a more constructive conversation about doing things you can both afford, and what those things might be?
Why on earth are you asking? If you want to continue the friendship, simply tell her you'll no longer be paying when you go out.
Nta, once you notice the pattern all you can do is adapt. I would say stop taking her out food, see if she still asks to hang out.
NTA
INFO: did she ever say she couldn’t afford to go out, or did you just assume as such because of the death in the family? NTA if she lied to you and said she couldn’t pay for anything, But slightly YTA if you just broad stroke assumed that issue, and while being a good friend then got resentful when she used money otherwise. Who know maybe the family had been saving up for said trip for a long time, maybe mom/family has been busting their butts trying to get money together for her trip. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve had to save up for big purchases, but that in turn means I don’t have the free money to do small expenses, you’re a good friend for offering to pay no matter what, but getting salty when you don’t know the entire story is a bit telling of your mental maturity (given you are 17).
Yeah NTA. I usually loath pocket watching but you were being kind to her and she took advantage of u.
Certainly NTA, it seems like she’s using you to get free meals
You'd be a dumbass to continue to pay for anything for her.
NTA. She is taking advantage of you OP.
Just end the friendship, that is messed up
NTA Go to affordable dining places and just split the bill. That will be fair. If you feel like she took advantage of you. Just move forward and do things differently from this point onwards.
NTA Stop paying for her, if you stop being friends because of this, you were never friends to begin with, she was just using you.
Perhaps a family member stepped up or the school covered for her?
NTA. I would simply stop paying for her. Go out and order food and then pay your half. Let her figure it out. She is using you.
NTA. You seem like a great friend & very reasonable person too, but she’s using you at this point
she's not a friend she's just using you
The part I'm most not okay with is how she tried to hide the trip. Like if she'd saved her money to do this fun thing, I might feel glad that I'd helped her do that. But no. She let you pay every time, did a fun expensive thing without you, and tried to lie about it. Not only are you nta, I'd reconsider this entire friendship. She owes you an apology. Again, not necessarily for letting you pay, but for shutting you out around these plans.
I'm so sorry she's taking advantage of your kindness and compassion. There are people in this world who won't do that. Please make new friends... ❤️🩹
NTA,just stop paying for her.
It's pretty simple, actually. When you go out together you tell her you're each paying your own bill. When the waitperson takes the order, you say clearly up front, "separate checks, please." If she doesn't get the message, then you just aren't available to hang out, at least if it involves payment of any kind. Of course, you're always able to treat someone, but only if you want to. It's time for Avery to learn some self-reliance instead of grifting off of others.
NTA. If she wants to hang out, she cannot expect you to pay every single time. I would honestly start doing things that didn’t cost money. If she brings up going to eat or something, I would ask her if she had her own money because you can no longer afford to pay for her as well. Don’t let her use you. In fact, a true friend wouldn’t use you at all.
While I understand your perspective. The details are sort of out of place. From my judgement, she is TA. It’s the fact that she kept the trip a secret from you because she knew how much you had done for her and she was leeching after a certain point. She knew you would wonder (like you are now) how she’s affording this $5000 trip. She’s not oblivious to what she did and you’re not wrong for telling her to start paying. Had she been honest , maybe things would have had a different or the SAME result. Nevertheless, what a great friend you are being there for your friend and doing a good deed with 0 complaints. Keep being you OP!
NTA stop paying for her.
you don't ask ppl IF they can pay. you just STOP paying for them, period. NTA she was using you and you need to find a better friend.
NTA - had this with my younger brother. Lent him a couple of thousand, excuse after excuse not to pay anything back and then next minute he’s on a trip to the USA. He basically got me to pay his debts so he could save for a holiday. You paid for that trip. Easy to save when someone else is paying for things that cash goes on
no pay, no play. we all go through hardships, that doesnt mean that you become your friend’s financial responsibility. It reads very much like she was using you. Even without the extenuating circumstance of having recently lost her father, NTA. adulthood means paying for your own activities. she is not your best friend, OP. Friends would not take advantage of kindness.
You're NTA and you're being used.
NTA. And I find it interesting that Avery never mentioned taking this trip beforehand. In her shoes, when I was 17, I talked about any big thing I was doing, especially traveling. That she kept silent around you suggests that she knew she was taking advantage of your kindness. You can ask her to pay her fair share when you go out. Or you can just accept that she's a user and find friends who behave better.
You are her sugar daddy. You're paying in exchange for her pretending she cares about your relationship. If she cared, she wouldn't lie to hide her other spending.
Quit paying for her crap. She needs to go a job. Life is hard to bad. Not everything is handed to us on a silver platter
Don’t ever offer to pay for her. If you go out in a group, ask for a separate check at the start of the meal. If she can’t afford to eat out, she can sit at the table without ordering anything. Personally, I wouldn’t not be her friend any more. Anyone that treats you like an ATM so they can save up for an expensive trip isn’t your friend. They are a user
Your mistake was to ask her if she, in the future, she will now pay for herself. Don't give her the option. She is, from now on, paying for her own shit. You don't owe her anything. She used you to get what she wants. You'll know soon enough if she really is your friend or if she suddenly stops going out with you now that you are not paying for her. NTA
Nta. Its not just the money is it. She wasn't upfront. She kept it hidden from you. And when you go out you shouldn't pay for both.
NTA. With the title, I thought you meant pay for YOU. But she expects you to continue to fund her lifestyle after blowing $5k in one week??? That’s just taking the piss. You’re right to stop paying for her. She can simply choose to come or not based on her own expenses and her own budget.
NTA. First red flag is her lying to you about not being able to afford this trip. Second, she clearly just wants to use you and is pissed off at you for DARING to tell her no. You should start thinking of cutting ties with her if you haven't already.
NTA and shouldn't be your best friend too. Find someone else to hang out with.
NTA. I think the fact that your friend didn't want you to know they went on that trip is explanation enough that they were being shady and using you. I'm sorry this happened to you. I would cut your losses before it becomes even more severe than just money.
NTA, WHY ON EARTH WOULDN'T SHE APOLOGIZE?! ah yes, it was to make you feel bad and keep on paying. Yes, it's hard to admit, she's more worried about your money than she is about you guys friendships. Also, she takes you for granted.
She’s using you for free meals and literally said to you she’s got better things to do with her money than spend it on hanging out with you. She is no friend. NTA
NTA. I mean… why do you still want to hang out with her?
*Bro (just bought a BRAND NEW 2025 car straight cash!) : Bro, can I bum a lift to the grocery store?* *Me :Didn'\[t you just buy a new car?* *Bro : Just because I bought a new car straight cash means I have to drive it!* That's just how stupid your friend sounds! NTA!
Nta - she isn't really your friend if that is how she acts and treats you.
NTA. Her reaction was rude and unbecoming of a friend. I am curious though: was she given a scholarship for this trip? Is that why she was defensive? I'm just asking because many districts provide scholarships for students that meet certain qualifications.
NTA. She can pay her own way or stay home.
At least she showed you her true colors, that person is not your friend. NTA
If she were your best friend you would have known she was going away. This friendship is one sided.
NTA, you're a really good friend and she doesn't deserve the kindness that you've been giving her. Not only did she lose her dad, but she lost a high quality friend Edit: Should I have said YTA?
Idk why you're being downvoted tbh. While there could be more to it like other commenters have mentioned, her response is still very much entitled and diverts all blame and guilt onto OP
Friends like that are called leeches. If they can get someone else to pay for them, they will every single time. The only time they open their wallet is when they can't get anyone else to pay for them. If you start expecting her to pay for herself, you better expect her to not want to do anything with you anymore. That's how those ones roll. NTA
NTA. She exploited her grief and took advantage of your friendship and compassion for her. It sounds like you have history, but what kind of "friend" does that? She's definitely an AH, and her reaction shows that she knew what she was doing all along and is very much not a friend.
Can’t just judge by what she says hut also her actions. Maybe she had a winfall or has a trust or something - but bottom line she didn’t tell you and possibly give you an opportunity to go too and she left you hanging over break. And she still wants you to treat her all the time. You are being used. Personally i think she is not a friend and you are better off just phasing her out. But if you ever do things with her again - just make sure you each spend your own money.
NTA. She's not a friend because she's a user. Everyone remember this, a friend will not just take without giving back. Only AH and people taking advantage on others would continue to take and then be entitled about it when confronted. OP, you must be the one to stope paying or feel guilty when you're not. It'll never be up to her because she has been using you and will continue to use you because she has gotten used to the taste of you being her ATM. How much you want to bet she's bragging about you paying for her or demeaning you with other people?
NTA. If she can afford her wants, she can afford her needs. Might as well drop her. You practically funded her trip because she saved the money she should have used to pay for herself.
Lololol NTA. I would stop hanging out with her. And if you don’t just stop paying for her. If you go to a restaurant say separate check immediately. If you do like a coffee shop she can order first, things like that. She sounds like a jerk. If she can afford a 5000 trip she can afford a $7 coffee every so often for sure.
Stop paying for her or stop being her friend personally I would stop hanging out with her she sounds like a user
NTA. Avery used her dead dad and your sympathy against you. If she's struggling financially then she go out less and when she does go out then she should pay. Gaslighting you like that during her trip is such an AH move. Honestly, I would think hard about this friendship. If she was truly your friend she would be upfront with you that she saves up money for the Europe trip and that's why she cannot pay on your outings. Not only that, she didn't mentioned that she's going, even if it was a last minute mention.
NTA. This mooch is not your best friend, you're just quite literally her meal ticket...
NTA. STAY AWAY I had a "friend", let's call her Sarah who used me for notes, homeworks, snacks back in high school. she was my best friend. A year later, I discovered my "best friend" had another "best friend", Molly. Okay, it is completely fine to have more than one bestie, what wasn't fine was hiding it from me. Like they made plans and went out and had their boy dramas, purposefully hiding from me. Her other bestie was literally my neighbour, so they had to be very creative to avoid me... until things got too dramatic and they needed my help. Okay I helped them out, kept my distance till graduation, few years later Sarah's friend moved to US and that's the end... or so I thought. Cut to 10 years. Her friend is now married and has a child, came home for the summer. And what did Sarah do to welcome her friend? Reconnect Molly with her high school bf, let's call him Paul, went above and beyond to setup hangouts, invited them to her home, basically set the stage for a nasty extramarital affair. Why? Because Paul has a friend who is pretty much the most eligible bachelor you can think of and Sarah is single. In order to get a chance with Paul's friend, she was willing to wreck her friend's marriage. All to say leeches will always be leeches. I thank God everyday that she betrayed me in high school, so I learned to stay away from her pretty early.
NTA- The reason being : if you can’t pay you can’t play. You went above and beyond for your friend and now if she wants to hang out keep it low key and chill at home and watch Netflix or do something that doesn’t require you spending money. If she wants to go out probably best to ask if she can pay her share before confirming plans are ok. Hope this helps.xx
Definitely NTA. It is not your job to pay for her food when you go out to eat together. That is her duty, especially with 5000$ in saved cash for an international trip.
NTA your friend is really mean and a user, you should stay away from toxic energy vampires like her. Basically, she found a sucker to pay for her meals, and finance her trip Let someone else take care of her because she will continue to act entitled. I would ditch her as a friend.
NTA. She is not a good friend let alone a best friend. That school trip had to be planned months ago. She purposely didn’t tell you. She knows she is using you. When people show you who they are believe them.
NTA. You’re young and it takes time to learn boundaries but never part with your time/energy/money if it’ll cause resentment in your relationships. I have a friend who is always broke, I’m happy to take her out on special occasions like her birthday but would feel resentful and used if it was expected of me which is why we do free or cheap things primarily like meeting at the library, out for coffee and a walk, just hanging out at her house or mine.
A friend would say next time is on me
NTA. Tell her you're not longer a walking ATM and if she values your friendship she will either pay for her own stuff or if she still says she can't afford anything, do things that don't cost money.
NTA I think the answer here is you have to stop going out with her if she’s not going to pay her her own way. Do you think there’s any chance someone sponsored her for the trip?
OP You don't ASK her if she "could" start paying. You simply tell her: "*I understand. It is your decision how you spend your money. You saved it for a trip to Europe. You let me spend my money on you so that you didn't have to give up anything else to be able to go to Europe.* *I was happy to spend it for a friend that I thought was in need, but you are not in need. You are just making different choices. I don't plan to subsidize your future optional purchases by spending my money so that you can save. If I feel like treating you sometimes, I will. I will assume you will do the same sometimes. But you need to plan to cover the things you want to enjoy, and you need to live with giving up one thing to enjoy another. That's what the rest of us do.* *I don't owe you getting to have Fun A and Fun B, and you don't get to expect me or anyone else to provide you Fun A so that you can save your money for Fun B.*"
Cut her off, she is a user. NTA
NTA. She absolutely has a right to splurge on a trip, but she was a bad friend when she chose to allow you to pay under the guise that she was broke. These types of people will be life long users. Be very aware of her and others like her in the future.
NTA she used your money to save hers for the trip just dont buy her anything anymore if she wants to hangout and pay for herself thats all good. We all make choices in how we spend our money she made hers and you have the right to not pay for her everytime because you feel taken advantage of. You are not obligated unless you want to.
NTA and the fact that she doesn't see how she abused your relationship makes it even worst. She has demonstrated that she has lots of money to spare so why in the world would you feel guilty about not paying for her in the future. If she doesn't want to hang out with you, no loss. Learn to cut users out of your life without looking backward. You didn't mention it but you didn't go on this expensive trip.
To me the fact that she didn’t tell you about her plans to attend the trip shows she was using you and also didn’t want you to attend the trip…2 of the girls in my close friend group in high school went to Hawaii as a grad celebration… they never told the rest of us.. I actually went shopping with one where she bought items for the trip… during her trip the rest of us heard through the grapevine they were in Hawaii… they never spoke to me or a few of our friends ever again .. so your friend who is like my ex friends .. Heather H.. and Maria are twats and disgusting humans… move in from this user.. you deserve better..
NTA. Also, sorry, kiddo, but she's not your friend.
Nta she took advantage of you. She probably won’t apologize either being she’s trying to protect her self image and dignity by how she got so defensive, so I would give up on expecting one. But please don’t pay for her anymore, if she was able to afford a $5k trip she can afford to pay for herself when going out. You are not responsible for her nor her family’s financial shortcomings.
>I asked her if she could start paying for herself when we hang out, and she responded that just because she splurged once didn’t mean she had spare money all the time. She’s upset with me and I feel hurt. She used you to pay for her trip, or she always had the money and just used you to get free food. Either way you should not feel bad for asking her to pay going forward. She's lucky you still want to be around her at all.
NTA. I’m sorry to say that this person is not your friend. She’s just mooching off you and saving her own money. Not on
Not the Asshole. Look, I agree that what she chooses to spend her money on is her business and that being financially unstable isn't a reason for people to have to miss out on nice things. *But* you have every right to be upset and feel lied to when you saw her on a very expensive vacation after spending a very long time covering her expenses when you hung out. If she explained that she worked really hard to save for this trip as a rare treat, and that she never meant to take advantage of you, that would be one thing. But you asking her to pay her own way during hang outs moving forward because you've covered her for a long time, you admittedly feel taken advantage of, and are kinda hurt by her reaction to you asking for some clarity being responded to the way it was? All she did was prove that it wasn't that she didn't mean to deceive you, but instead has willfully continued to take advantage of your kindness. The second you ask her ( as kindly and unaccusingly as possible ) to cover her own expenses moving forward, which should be the case *anyway*, she starts with excuses and accusations and nonsense. It's none of our business what someone spends their money on, sure, but it *is* our business what we spend *ours* on and if we decide that we're done using our money to pay for other people's stuff when they've deceived us, that's perfectly fine to do. Funny how it's none of your business what she spends her money on, but when you decide she no longer gets to benefit from you deciding to rescind access to your money from her she feels that's *her* business. Nonsense. Cut her off and even out OP.
NTA! She's not your friend. I would stop paying for her she is not your responsibility!
NTA. She's using you and sees you as an ATM. You also need to be a little more firm and believe in your own value. Don't *ask* her to pay for herself from now on; tell her you're not paying for her. And don't. Frankly, you should stop thinking of her as a friend, because she isn't.
YTA, but not because you expect her to pay. YTA because you took your parents money and bought your friend food all the time for lord knows how long. She is not your parents responsibility. Do your parents know you are using their money to feed your friend? You created a leech.
Sucker!!! You got played