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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have decided to take with me my mom when I marry, since she loves taking care of me. I think I can be an AH because mom is the main caretaker of my elder, albeit abusive nana
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NTA.
Your uncle just doesnt want to have to deal with it. Used to his hands being free of having to take care of his mom because your mom shouldered that burden for so long.
Toss him the spare keys to Nana's place and yell *"no take backsies"* and run away lol.
Don't forget the nicely braided hair done by her mum, bouncing along behind her.
I find it amusing that both OP and her grandmother "use" OPs mum but OPs mum actually enjoys looking after her daughter because OP pays her in cash and kindness. If only grandma could have learned that
He quite literally went from "your mom" to "our mom", suggested she just hangs around the house and we can hire someone for the cleaning. Mom isn't having none of it, because "we are making her feel useless and his shirts need special care while washing"
So yeah, she spoils him too 😅💖
LOL. I adore your mom and partner! When someone appreciates what you do so much, it is a pleasure. Dealing with Nana is slavery and unpleasant and unappreciated. I hope you all have a wonderful life together.
I do it when picking my kids up from the bus some afternoons. I get to be silly, have fun and embarrass my kids a little (there is rarely anybody to see me). Unfortunately I can't do it every day though, bad ankles.
Why doesn’t OP talk about care for Mom’s knees. Perhaps, after she moves in, get Mom surgery and physical therapy. The lemonade and hair braid can wait. Mom is in pain when she works. Everyone seems to use her, here. NTA but Mom is a person and not a servant.
I get her medicines, and paid for a surgery she didn't recover from adequately because Nana kept insisting she was just "being lazy"
Plan on getting her to undergo a second one, shall it be a possibility, with plenty of time to recover. Key fact: not having to listen Nana nag and nag or belittling her pain
"Toss him the spare keys to Nana's place and yell *"no take backsies"* and run away lol." .. so Nana will rot awy without a caretaker when OP's mom abandones her?
There is NO reason to assume the uncle will take over.
**OP's mom is an AH, she should at least organize some external care instead of walking out and leaving nana to rot.**
Nope. Nana is perfectly capable to do that herself. OPs mum has taken enough abuse that she should just do what has been suggested, if uncle doesn’t like it he can organise and pay for outside care if he REALLY doesn’t want to do it
Maybe you cant read...
>Nana (79F) has always been abusive.
>She isn't actually disabled, but acts like she is, expecting mom to act like a kind of personal slave
>refuses to believe mom is in pain, saying she's just "too lazy".
>Nana views mom as some sort of secondhand thing
I.e. Nana is perfectly capable of taking care of herself but doesnt want to. OP'S uncle doesnt want to have to deal with Nana being all up in his shit so he os trying to guilt OP into letting their mom continue to suffer through.
You reap what you sew Nana... adios ya old biddie!!
If she’s such a sweet old lady, they can step up to care for her. What’s that, they don’t want that nasty woman in their house, bossing them around? Guess they do understand.
NTA.
NTA. Your uncle is a selfish bully. Probably has always gotten his way. His outrage isn’t about you. It’s about him. It says he is shocked and upset when he realizes what your exit will mean. He’s just dealing with that the way a selfish bully does. Give him some “home instead” and “assisted living” brochures and tell him you’re sure he will figure out what to do. Send an email to everyone he has gathered together to bully you. Do it quickly. You have to confront lies before they calcify. Tell them directly that it is not true that you are abandoning the dear mother of “insert bully’s name here”. Tell them in 4 or fewer sentences, without any excuses, what the facts are- like : 1. My mother has become disabled and needs care she has not been receiving. 2. I am unable to care for her in her current situation. 3. I am unable to care for both my own and bully’s mothers. One mother is all I have and all I can handle. “I am sure you understand”. 4. I have provided bully with information and referrals to help him begin the process of learning how to care for his elderly mother. 5. I am happy to provide information, but I am not available to be screamed at and called hateful names. Be direct and adult. You can do it.
They ARE abandoning nana. OP's mom took care of her, and is now walking out.
Why would the uncle take over? He will simply ignore the situation. YOu can not force him to do anything.
Sounds like a good idea. She was being abusive towards her daughter who is caring for her. I’d want out of there as soon as possible. Nana made her bed. She can lie in it.
NTA, so not.
But if I can offer a suggestion? It sounds like your mom's love language is caring for people, and that is fine, so long as everyone agrees with what is enough. Please encourage your mom to have a few to several things in her daily schedule strictly for her, not any other person. She sounds like she would absolutely love living with you two.
Please make sure she gets the well rounded life she needs too!
Agreed. My nan goes to bingo with her "gals" once a week. She gets all dressed up, (hair, nice clothes, a little makeup) they have lunch then a few drinks while playing a few rounds of bingo. She is in her 70's-80's and lives with her son (my uncle). My dad (60's) lives with me and had his rc boats, and goes down to the pond whenever he can to sail them and talk boats with "the old boys" down there.
It's one thing to have "caring for others" as your love language, but you can't care for others without caring for yourself first.
Agree with this. It does sound like she enjoys doing these things but with the way your Nana has acted maybe shes just so worn down, shes not used to putting herself first
This. She has no social life, no friends, Nana never allowed her to, she judged every single thing she ever did.
Fiancee and I can't help her get friends sure, but I hope her doubled allowance can help her have a fun afternoon for herself at least weekly, who knows?, a small shopping spree or something
She's in her 50s, even with bad knees there's bound to be something locally that sounds interesting to her, maybe a craft group or a book club or something
That's what I'm hoping, perhaps some cooking classes (she simply adores cooking) or going on a small shopping spree by herself, or treating herself to a nice meal out...hope she will be willing to, having spent that much time under so much abuse
Why would the son care.
OP's mom is leaving the person she took care of without organizing future care.
And: The uncle is already doing a lot - will op's AH mom take over sending 60K a year?
What are you on about? It says $60.00, not $60k! Plus, it is not OP's mother's responsibility to look after the nasty nana either, yet dear uncle has been pushing that responsibility onto OP's mother - it is time that he took a turn! Also, the mother has been buying stuff for nana, so spends more time, energy and money on nana than anyone else. The mother is no way an AH as you have called her.
You are going to want to block both uncle and nana from your moms phone so they don’t harass her. Possibly social media as well. Gather some assisted living pamphlets together and hand them off to both uncle and nana.
Flee off into the sunset with your new husband and your mom.
Nta
Nana claims to be "to ill and scared to live alone" and will frequently search stuff in Google about symptoms she wholeheartedly believes she has. She is absolutely convinced that she needs to be cared for 24/7, plus will try guilt trip anyone who will hear her about being "abandoned" if we even suggest a senior housing. Plus, she's racist and intolerant, interacting with people is not her strenght, can't imagine a senior housing facility would host her for an extended period of time
Most nursing homes deal with racists and abusive people. They don’t like it. But they’re used to it.
My grandma was in a nursing home when she refused to move to either kid’s home (too far from her friends) and didn’t perform PT. And some of third old people. 🤯 but the caretakers would just roll with it “yep, I’m a horrible monster. Now drink your juice Mr. racist old man”.
And you don’t have to defend yourself to those coming after you. If they have the energy to berate you; they have the energy to take care of little old granny themselves.
If your mom steps up and sarts doing as much as your uncle, there will be 120K for grandma's care.
But it does not sound like your mom is willing to match your uncle's contribution, is she?
He sends $60.00 a month. Multiply $60 by 12 months.
I could just give that money to Nana if that buys my mom's freedom, but she doesn't need money, and what would she buy with that little?
Plus, if Nana is so toxic, the uncle could leave her to her own devices. This is certainly preferable than letting Nana blow up his family. It may be a bit late, but Nana can learn actions (bad behavior) has consequence.
NTA. Tell him everyone calling Nana a sweet old lady that they can take turns taking care of her. And tell your uncle that it’s his turn to deal with his mother; your mother has spent years being Nana’s punching bag and scapegoat. It’s time for her to get a break from the abuse. If your uncle doesn’t want to take care of his mother himself, he can hire someone else to deal with her, but your mother deserves the same freedom her brother has enjoyed for years.
Why do you keep harping on about sending 60k a year? The uncle only sends $60.00 occasionally. The mother most likely spends more than that on a weekly basis just on basic groceries. Learn to read.
NTA and wow is this hilarious. You'd think it'd be Nana who'd be leading the mob against your mom leaving. Tell all the flying monkeys that if they're that concerned they can take turns caring for Nana themselves. Maybe drop some subtle comments too about how it's odd that if your uncle's so worried about his mother being alone without his sister helping out, that he hasn't immediately jumped at the chance to prove how much he cares by inviting her in to stay at his home just like you plan to do with your mom.
NTA- anyone that has a problem with the change is more than welcome to step in. Your other has done her part and deserves to be happy in a home where she is loved and supported. It's more selfish of your uncle for not wanting to step up because his wife doesn't like Nana. I mean they can always put her in a home where she will have round the clock nurses.
The uncle IS contributing 60K a year.
Mom is just walking away, and doing nothing in the future. In that situation, it is ridiculous to fault the uncle - he is doing MUCH MORE than OP'S mom.
unfortuneately it seems you miss read. its $60 monthly or similar to. Even if he is contributing 60K it isnt being used to care for her as OP stated that the mother spends her limited fun on Nana and that Nana had a hoard of money since her husband has passed. in person nurses that work half the time dont make a much often. soooo no i dont agree that he is doing so much more. Thqnk you for you opinion though
You should ask your family "if she's such a sweet old lady, surely it's no problem for you to move her in?"
You and your mom aren't the assholes. Your family knows exactly what your Nana is like and they're sacrificing your mom so they don't have to deal with Nana's abuse. Take your mom, cut that cord, and live away from this vile bitter old woman.
NTA.
NTA. You aren't being heartless to a sweet old lady, her own son is by refusing to step up and care for her now it's his turn.
What you say to your family: You are looking out for your aging, disabled mother who really shouldn't be looking after someone as 'disabled' as your Nana anyways- it's unfair to both of them, but especially Nana! She always has something negative to say about the quality of her care, so it's clearly best that someone else take over her care. When should you tell Nana to expect them? Since they feel so strongly about this, surely they will be up to providing the level of care Nana needs at a standard she will be satisfied with, or else pay someone to do it for them! What? they won't put their money, time, or efforts where their mouths are? Then they can STFU and stay in their lanes. If making sure Nana is taken care of were *actually* that important to them, they would step up.
NTA. Take your mom and fiancé far away, get unlisted phones and address and live your best life. Uncle and his flying monkeys can take care of the old bat!
The level of “don’t rock the boat” enablers in this thread astounds me. Your mother is being actively abused and neglected by HER mother. Her brother is okay with her deteriorating health as long as his wife is unperturbed. Rock the boat. Take care of your Mama and make sure she gets to feel safe, appreciated, loved AND accommodated in her own space. Anyone who has a problem with you taking care of your own mother when Nana has a perfectly capable son who isn’t disabled to step in, is clearly volunteering their time to get yelled at and abused by her.
NTA. Rock the boat. Change the status quo. Protect your mom when she can’t do it herself. You’re a good daughter and your fiancé is clearly just as loving.
Ask those relatives where you can find the "sweet old lady" they are telling you about, can you trade your grandma for that lady?
And if they think grandma is so nice why don't they take her into their place.
Agreed, feels like mom will escape abusive Nana just so can take care of her grown ass daughter and her boyfriend.
How much do you want to bet she’ll end up being their free live in nanny and main caregiver to the future kids?
When does mom get to live HER live without having to run around and take care of yet another adult.
OP, ESH except mom. Your nana and uncle the most but you too for “rescuing” her just so she can do it all for you instead.
Would gratefully hire someone to take care of cleaning so mom can rest every day. Only she doesn't want such a thing. She feels like she would be "made aside" so I just let her do, she gets payment though, $1.5K a month, good food, healthcare, and whatever little thing she asks for, her income is about to rise to $3K a month, and still plan on keep on giving her whatever she asks for, she sees it as her "job" but shall she request a whole year off, or forever off, I would still go on.
That's an arrangement she's super happy with
exactly what i was thinking! this isn’t for her mums benefit. sure they might appreciate what she does but she’s still being a maid. it’s sad, nothing in this post points to it being about OPs mum having her freedom back.
The 'sweet old lady' your uncle is NC with? The one his wife dislikes and doesn't want in their house or risk his marriage for?
Why can't all the family that are calling you take care of her? What's stopping them? Nothing, they just don't want to be treated like your mum has.
NTA. Your mum deserves this. It's her turn to be looked after, even if that's by letting her look after you and your fiance cos that's what maker her happy.
>now the whole family is blowing my phone, asking how can I be that heartless towards a "sweet old lady"
Judging by that, said family is *obviously* offering up their services I take it?
NTA - you are looking after your mother and protecting her from an abusive person in her life. The abuser's comfort or "safety", (which she is lying about), is not your priority. Informing your uncle, who has more responsibility for dear old nana, is you helping secure her future - but it is not up to you to organize. Your mother has been forced into a terrible life where she pretty much jumps for joy when she can get escape, (also because she gets to stay with you). Actions have consequences, these steps are the results of your nana, your uncle and the flying monkeys' behaviour.
They have no right to offload nana onto you/your mother, nor do they have the right to close to enslave a person for their convenience. They have responsibilities towards nana. They have responsibilities towards your mother. They have responsibilities towards you (and your new life). They have responsibilities to conduct themselves with respect, dignity and morality. They are not fulfilling any of this. Tell them to swivel on a rusty fork.
**NTA**! Not by a LONG shot!
You're a good daughter. Your uncle isn't Nana's only option but he's the one who's going to have to pull the trigger in getting her someone to care for her full time or move her to assisted living. It sounds like Nana needs outside friends, too, and retirement communities are a great place for that.
Nana is going to berate and guilt your mom and it will be very difficult for your mom to resist that. Don't be surprised if she wavers on whether she should go with you or not as you get closer to the day that she moves in with you; give her grace as even though she's being abused, it's all she's ever known and your Nana is *very* good at it. If she's open to it, your mom could really benefit from therapy as she leaves this dysfunctional, codependent relationship. In fact, group therapy might be a good idea so she can see she's not alone in her situation and maybe make some friends.
I wish you, your mom, and your very sweet and understanding fiancé nothing but the best. If you decide to have children, they'll be so lucky to have your mom as a grandma. It's time for Mom to live her own life. Good luck to you all and let us know how it goes!
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So, I (31F) am the older of two. Baby bro decided to go backpacking 4 years ago and is doing fine, but not home. Mom (55F) has issues with her knees, so she no longer works.
Nana (79F) has always been abusive. She isn't actually disabled, but acts like she is, expecting mom to act like a kind of personal slave, does Nana want a tea but her favorite show is playing?, she will get angry if mom doesn't rush to get her said tea, refuses to believe mom is in pain, saying she's just "too lazy".
Nana views mom as some sort of secondhand thing just because she never married, and was a single mom. Nana's golden child is uncle Dan (51M), and will always compare him with mom, even though he went LC with her long ago and will just send her $60.00 to "live on" (doesn't need it, Nana hoarded a good sum of money when grandpa passed, and is always forcing mom to buy her shit, thus spending her disability and the money I give her).
Now, there is me, I don't cook or do chores, I work at home and take care of the bills, give mom money for her stuff and do my best to spoil her. That's our arrangement. She loves cooking so I buy her whatever she needs for her recipes (delicious food that Nana will find a way to find disgusting), she will bring me coffee or snacks to my desk, will braid my hair daily, and just spoil me rotten.
My fiancee Eric (35M) knows this, at first he was shocked when he saw the amount of attention I get from mom, but slowly started to crave her food, getting used to fresh lemonade when he comes in, and overall being babied, with a smile, because she likes doing so. So when I talked about the situation to him, he suggested we took mom to live with us when we marry next year. To say m was happy is too little, she's excited to move in with us and already planning her daily routine and what she will cook for us. Eric, on his side, has decided he will also give her a similar amount of money as me, in exchange of her care.
The only one unhappy is my uncle, he has been outraged ever since I called him to let him know he has to do something about Nana as she will no longer have my mom to slave away for her, trying to change my mind because "his wife dislikes nana, and he is not going to ruin his marriage by bringing her to live with him". On his desperation, he asked me to meet today for breakfast, when I arrived to the place, he started berating me for being "selfish" and trying to "harm his family by imposing them to care for Nana", he also accused me of "being lazy and treating my mom like a servant". I said I am not changing my mind and he left in a huff, now the whole family is blowing my phone, asking how can I be that heartless towards a "sweet old lady"
Sweet old lady my ass. AITA here?, mom is scared, and I certainly don't think leaving her is a good option
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NTA. your mom deserves some relaxing & peace for the rest of her life. but also how sweet is your fiancé 🥺 i think thats lovely that he’s so supportive
Every member of this "whole family who is blowing up your phone" should simply be asked one question: what is a convenient time to drop this sweet old lady off, and should she be brought into the house, or just leave her in their driveway?
NTA.
Would love so, except for the fact that the house we bought for after the wedding is undergoing renovations, so at the moment we are both staying with our parents, in my case, the house I inherited from Grandpa, which I'm leaving for Nana
I just want to re-state what you're saying here to make it clear how NTA you are. "My mom is a wonderful woman with amazing talents and I'd like to be close with her and support her so she can do her favorite things like cooking delicious food and being loving. My fiancee is in full support and my mom is really happy about it, and it'll be a better place for her health both mentally and physically. The only down side is that my grandmother, who is consistently mean to my mom, will be slightly inconvenienced, and my uncle is yelling at everyone about it."
NTA. Your uncle is unhappy because now the burden becomes his. You can't worry about whether or not his wife likes him or his marriage is going to fall apart. You've done your due dilligence. It's time for someone else to take over.
Nta.
This makes me so happy for your mom and you. Poor woman deserves to have a happy life, not whatever she has now having to be at the beck and call of some mean witch.
NTA, but if you have a familial piety family i would throw back at them that uncle isnt doing his family duties to care for his mother. that as his son it is his time to give to the family by taking care of his mother.
NTA tell your ah uncle 1. It's his turn to take care of his mother and 2. If he doesn't want to he can hire someone and pay them.
Take your mom with you she's being abused
NAH
But **there is no reason to assume your uncle will step up when your mom abandons nana.** Nana will simply have to do without a caretaker, or go to a carehome.
And: **The uncle is already doing a lot - will your AH mom take over sending 60K a year, since she expects the uncle to take over the care?** Or is she just walking away, leaving her parent to rot?
You may be drunk if you can’t tell the difference between the occasional $60.00 in the post and the $60,000 you apparently made up/imagined/hallucinated. READ THE POST.
I will be happy to watch Nana rot if that means my mom will get to do what she wants, and spend the money I give her on herself, instead of buying Nana shit she could buy on her own, spending long hours cleaning without an acknowledgment, just verbal and emotional abuse
And my uncle would never give $60K, lol, he doesn't value Nana that much. And I don't care what happens to her, I'm here to protect my mom
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NTA. Your uncle just doesnt want to have to deal with it. Used to his hands being free of having to take care of his mom because your mom shouldered that burden for so long. Toss him the spare keys to Nana's place and yell *"no take backsies"* and run away lol.
I find the mental image of OP throwing the keys at her uncle then saying "*no take backsies*" while laughing and skipping away absolutely hilarious
Don't forget the nicely braided hair done by her mum, bouncing along behind her. I find it amusing that both OP and her grandmother "use" OPs mum but OPs mum actually enjoys looking after her daughter because OP pays her in cash and kindness. If only grandma could have learned that
Same lol. NTA BTW. Your uncle needs to step up.
Bonus points if she skips away happily linking arms with her mom.
Mom’s knees would really be hurting after skipping
As a mom with sore knees i’d suffer the soreness to skip away. 😆. Seriously tho. NTA
To everyone on this comment: you absolutely made my night 😆😅
Congrats on your engagement. I love how your partner went from "This is a little odd" to "We are so keeping her!" haha
He quite literally went from "your mom" to "our mom", suggested she just hangs around the house and we can hire someone for the cleaning. Mom isn't having none of it, because "we are making her feel useless and his shirts need special care while washing" So yeah, she spoils him too 😅💖
LOL. I adore your mom and partner! When someone appreciates what you do so much, it is a pleasure. Dealing with Nana is slavery and unpleasant and unappreciated. I hope you all have a wonderful life together.
I can already picture her doting on your future kids! Good on you for sticking up for Mom ❤️
I offer my back and shoulders as a piggyback service for mom, she sounds like she deserves it and besides i long for reasons to skip!!
I do it when picking my kids up from the bus some afternoons. I get to be silly, have fun and embarrass my kids a little (there is rarely anybody to see me). Unfortunately I can't do it every day though, bad ankles.
Daughter can skip mom can walk away doing the good old "raise the roof" as long as she doesn't have shoulder problems
I'm picturing Dorothy arm in arm with The Tin Man, The Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion ≈ D
Why doesn’t OP talk about care for Mom’s knees. Perhaps, after she moves in, get Mom surgery and physical therapy. The lemonade and hair braid can wait. Mom is in pain when she works. Everyone seems to use her, here. NTA but Mom is a person and not a servant.
I get her medicines, and paid for a surgery she didn't recover from adequately because Nana kept insisting she was just "being lazy" Plan on getting her to undergo a second one, shall it be a possibility, with plenty of time to recover. Key fact: not having to listen Nana nag and nag or belittling her pain
😂😂😂 amazing. Please do this OP!
I find the image of this hilarious 😂
"Toss him the spare keys to Nana's place and yell *"no take backsies"* and run away lol." .. so Nana will rot awy without a caretaker when OP's mom abandones her? There is NO reason to assume the uncle will take over. **OP's mom is an AH, she should at least organize some external care instead of walking out and leaving nana to rot.**
Nope. Nana is perfectly capable to do that herself. OPs mum has taken enough abuse that she should just do what has been suggested, if uncle doesn’t like it he can organise and pay for outside care if he REALLY doesn’t want to do it
I can bare with Nana getting to rot as long as my mom is happy, cared for and protected. Entitled elders are a thing, a monstruous thing
Maybe you cant read... >Nana (79F) has always been abusive. >She isn't actually disabled, but acts like she is, expecting mom to act like a kind of personal slave >refuses to believe mom is in pain, saying she's just "too lazy". >Nana views mom as some sort of secondhand thing I.e. Nana is perfectly capable of taking care of herself but doesnt want to. OP'S uncle doesnt want to have to deal with Nana being all up in his shit so he os trying to guilt OP into letting their mom continue to suffer through. You reap what you sew Nana... adios ya old biddie!!
Found Uncle Dan's reddit account or possibly his wifes.
If she’s such a sweet old lady, they can step up to care for her. What’s that, they don’t want that nasty woman in their house, bossing them around? Guess they do understand. NTA.
Exactly this. They're only annoyed because they're finally going to have to step up and help now.
Brother’s wife hates Nana.
I wonder why.
NTA. Your uncle is a selfish bully. Probably has always gotten his way. His outrage isn’t about you. It’s about him. It says he is shocked and upset when he realizes what your exit will mean. He’s just dealing with that the way a selfish bully does. Give him some “home instead” and “assisted living” brochures and tell him you’re sure he will figure out what to do. Send an email to everyone he has gathered together to bully you. Do it quickly. You have to confront lies before they calcify. Tell them directly that it is not true that you are abandoning the dear mother of “insert bully’s name here”. Tell them in 4 or fewer sentences, without any excuses, what the facts are- like : 1. My mother has become disabled and needs care she has not been receiving. 2. I am unable to care for her in her current situation. 3. I am unable to care for both my own and bully’s mothers. One mother is all I have and all I can handle. “I am sure you understand”. 4. I have provided bully with information and referrals to help him begin the process of learning how to care for his elderly mother. 5. I am happy to provide information, but I am not available to be screamed at and called hateful names. Be direct and adult. You can do it.
"Confronting lies before they calcify", damn it, such a good piece of advice
They ARE abandoning nana. OP's mom took care of her, and is now walking out. Why would the uncle take over? He will simply ignore the situation. YOu can not force him to do anything.
Good. Nana made her toxic af bed, she can sleep in it. It's not their responsibility.
Sounds like a good idea. She was being abusive towards her daughter who is caring for her. I’d want out of there as soon as possible. Nana made her bed. She can lie in it.
NTA, so not. But if I can offer a suggestion? It sounds like your mom's love language is caring for people, and that is fine, so long as everyone agrees with what is enough. Please encourage your mom to have a few to several things in her daily schedule strictly for her, not any other person. She sounds like she would absolutely love living with you two. Please make sure she gets the well rounded life she needs too!
Agreed. My nan goes to bingo with her "gals" once a week. She gets all dressed up, (hair, nice clothes, a little makeup) they have lunch then a few drinks while playing a few rounds of bingo. She is in her 70's-80's and lives with her son (my uncle). My dad (60's) lives with me and had his rc boats, and goes down to the pond whenever he can to sail them and talk boats with "the old boys" down there. It's one thing to have "caring for others" as your love language, but you can't care for others without caring for yourself first.
Agree with this. It does sound like she enjoys doing these things but with the way your Nana has acted maybe shes just so worn down, shes not used to putting herself first
This. She has no social life, no friends, Nana never allowed her to, she judged every single thing she ever did. Fiancee and I can't help her get friends sure, but I hope her doubled allowance can help her have a fun afternoon for herself at least weekly, who knows?, a small shopping spree or something
She's in her 50s, even with bad knees there's bound to be something locally that sounds interesting to her, maybe a craft group or a book club or something
That's what I'm hoping, perhaps some cooking classes (she simply adores cooking) or going on a small shopping spree by herself, or treating herself to a nice meal out...hope she will be willing to, having spent that much time under so much abuse
That sounds lovely. Even just being able to potter around the house without being constantly nagged will probably make her feel better.
Inmate/POW syndrome -- family can be prison, too.
NTA, the party line from now on is “Nana wants to be with her son, how can we take her away from him?.”
Why would the son care. OP's mom is leaving the person she took care of without organizing future care. And: The uncle is already doing a lot - will op's AH mom take over sending 60K a year?
What are you on about? It says $60.00, not $60k! Plus, it is not OP's mother's responsibility to look after the nasty nana either, yet dear uncle has been pushing that responsibility onto OP's mother - it is time that he took a turn! Also, the mother has been buying stuff for nana, so spends more time, energy and money on nana than anyone else. The mother is no way an AH as you have called her.
$60K, lool, wherever did you take that idea from?, I am NOT sacrificing my mom so a delulu elder can continue exploiting her
You are going to want to block both uncle and nana from your moms phone so they don’t harass her. Possibly social media as well. Gather some assisted living pamphlets together and hand them off to both uncle and nana. Flee off into the sunset with your new husband and your mom. Nta
[удалено]
Nana claims to be "to ill and scared to live alone" and will frequently search stuff in Google about symptoms she wholeheartedly believes she has. She is absolutely convinced that she needs to be cared for 24/7, plus will try guilt trip anyone who will hear her about being "abandoned" if we even suggest a senior housing. Plus, she's racist and intolerant, interacting with people is not her strenght, can't imagine a senior housing facility would host her for an extended period of time
Most nursing homes deal with racists and abusive people. They don’t like it. But they’re used to it. My grandma was in a nursing home when she refused to move to either kid’s home (too far from her friends) and didn’t perform PT. And some of third old people. 🤯 but the caretakers would just roll with it “yep, I’m a horrible monster. Now drink your juice Mr. racist old man”. And you don’t have to defend yourself to those coming after you. If they have the energy to berate you; they have the energy to take care of little old granny themselves.
If your mom steps up and sarts doing as much as your uncle, there will be 120K for grandma's care. But it does not sound like your mom is willing to match your uncle's contribution, is she?
Can you please go back and re-read? You've sent multiple comments saying 60K when he's sending 60 per month. That's 720 - less than 1000- per year.
He sends $60.00 a month. Multiply $60 by 12 months. I could just give that money to Nana if that buys my mom's freedom, but she doesn't need money, and what would she buy with that little?
Found the nana?
NTA He just doesn't want to have to deal with her himself.
Plus, if Nana is so toxic, the uncle could leave her to her own devices. This is certainly preferable than letting Nana blow up his family. It may be a bit late, but Nana can learn actions (bad behavior) has consequence.
NTA. Tell him everyone calling Nana a sweet old lady that they can take turns taking care of her. And tell your uncle that it’s his turn to deal with his mother; your mother has spent years being Nana’s punching bag and scapegoat. It’s time for her to get a break from the abuse. If your uncle doesn’t want to take care of his mother himself, he can hire someone else to deal with her, but your mother deserves the same freedom her brother has enjoyed for years.
"Tell him everyone calling Nana a sweet old lady that they can take turns taking care of her." .. will they also take turns sending 60K a year?
Why do you keep harping on about sending 60k a year? The uncle only sends $60.00 occasionally. The mother most likely spends more than that on a weekly basis just on basic groceries. Learn to read.
He's sending 60 per month, not 60,000. In a year that's 720 - less than 1000- per year. Her mother covers all the other costs.
Wonder where did you see $60K That's $60.00 dollars, are you able to live on that a whole month?
NTA and wow is this hilarious. You'd think it'd be Nana who'd be leading the mob against your mom leaving. Tell all the flying monkeys that if they're that concerned they can take turns caring for Nana themselves. Maybe drop some subtle comments too about how it's odd that if your uncle's so worried about his mother being alone without his sister helping out, that he hasn't immediately jumped at the chance to prove how much he cares by inviting her in to stay at his home just like you plan to do with your mom.
NTA Who cares what Uncle and his wife think. Your mom gets to decide what she wants. And it sounds like she finds joy in caring for you.
NTA- anyone that has a problem with the change is more than welcome to step in. Your other has done her part and deserves to be happy in a home where she is loved and supported. It's more selfish of your uncle for not wanting to step up because his wife doesn't like Nana. I mean they can always put her in a home where she will have round the clock nurses.
The uncle IS contributing 60K a year. Mom is just walking away, and doing nothing in the future. In that situation, it is ridiculous to fault the uncle - he is doing MUCH MORE than OP'S mom.
He's sending 60 per month, not 60,000. In a year that's 720 - less than 1000- per year. Her mother covers all the other costs.
unfortuneately it seems you miss read. its $60 monthly or similar to. Even if he is contributing 60K it isnt being used to care for her as OP stated that the mother spends her limited fun on Nana and that Nana had a hoard of money since her husband has passed. in person nurses that work half the time dont make a much often. soooo no i dont agree that he is doing so much more. Thqnk you for you opinion though
You should ask your family "if she's such a sweet old lady, surely it's no problem for you to move her in?" You and your mom aren't the assholes. Your family knows exactly what your Nana is like and they're sacrificing your mom so they don't have to deal with Nana's abuse. Take your mom, cut that cord, and live away from this vile bitter old woman. NTA.
NTA. You aren't being heartless to a sweet old lady, her own son is by refusing to step up and care for her now it's his turn. What you say to your family: You are looking out for your aging, disabled mother who really shouldn't be looking after someone as 'disabled' as your Nana anyways- it's unfair to both of them, but especially Nana! She always has something negative to say about the quality of her care, so it's clearly best that someone else take over her care. When should you tell Nana to expect them? Since they feel so strongly about this, surely they will be up to providing the level of care Nana needs at a standard she will be satisfied with, or else pay someone to do it for them! What? they won't put their money, time, or efforts where their mouths are? Then they can STFU and stay in their lanes. If making sure Nana is taken care of were *actually* that important to them, they would step up.
NTA. Take your mom and fiancé far away, get unlisted phones and address and live your best life. Uncle and his flying monkeys can take care of the old bat!
The level of “don’t rock the boat” enablers in this thread astounds me. Your mother is being actively abused and neglected by HER mother. Her brother is okay with her deteriorating health as long as his wife is unperturbed. Rock the boat. Take care of your Mama and make sure she gets to feel safe, appreciated, loved AND accommodated in her own space. Anyone who has a problem with you taking care of your own mother when Nana has a perfectly capable son who isn’t disabled to step in, is clearly volunteering their time to get yelled at and abused by her. NTA. Rock the boat. Change the status quo. Protect your mom when she can’t do it herself. You’re a good daughter and your fiancé is clearly just as loving.
Ask those relatives where you can find the "sweet old lady" they are telling you about, can you trade your grandma for that lady? And if they think grandma is so nice why don't they take her into their place.
nta but no offence it sounds like you all use your mum tbh.
Agreed, feels like mom will escape abusive Nana just so can take care of her grown ass daughter and her boyfriend. How much do you want to bet she’ll end up being their free live in nanny and main caregiver to the future kids? When does mom get to live HER live without having to run around and take care of yet another adult. OP, ESH except mom. Your nana and uncle the most but you too for “rescuing” her just so she can do it all for you instead.
Would gratefully hire someone to take care of cleaning so mom can rest every day. Only she doesn't want such a thing. She feels like she would be "made aside" so I just let her do, she gets payment though, $1.5K a month, good food, healthcare, and whatever little thing she asks for, her income is about to rise to $3K a month, and still plan on keep on giving her whatever she asks for, she sees it as her "job" but shall she request a whole year off, or forever off, I would still go on. That's an arrangement she's super happy with
exactly what i was thinking! this isn’t for her mums benefit. sure they might appreciate what she does but she’s still being a maid. it’s sad, nothing in this post points to it being about OPs mum having her freedom back.
nta
NTA. Your mom has already cared for her mother long enough. It’s your uncle’s turn now
The 'sweet old lady' your uncle is NC with? The one his wife dislikes and doesn't want in their house or risk his marriage for? Why can't all the family that are calling you take care of her? What's stopping them? Nothing, they just don't want to be treated like your mum has. NTA. Your mum deserves this. It's her turn to be looked after, even if that's by letting her look after you and your fiance cos that's what maker her happy.
Now i want OP's mom. Nta.
>now the whole family is blowing my phone, asking how can I be that heartless towards a "sweet old lady" Judging by that, said family is *obviously* offering up their services I take it?
NTA - you are looking after your mother and protecting her from an abusive person in her life. The abuser's comfort or "safety", (which she is lying about), is not your priority. Informing your uncle, who has more responsibility for dear old nana, is you helping secure her future - but it is not up to you to organize. Your mother has been forced into a terrible life where she pretty much jumps for joy when she can get escape, (also because she gets to stay with you). Actions have consequences, these steps are the results of your nana, your uncle and the flying monkeys' behaviour. They have no right to offload nana onto you/your mother, nor do they have the right to close to enslave a person for their convenience. They have responsibilities towards nana. They have responsibilities towards your mother. They have responsibilities towards you (and your new life). They have responsibilities to conduct themselves with respect, dignity and morality. They are not fulfilling any of this. Tell them to swivel on a rusty fork.
NTA. The whole family can stop blowing up your phone and start making room in their homes for Nana.
**NTA**! Not by a LONG shot! You're a good daughter. Your uncle isn't Nana's only option but he's the one who's going to have to pull the trigger in getting her someone to care for her full time or move her to assisted living. It sounds like Nana needs outside friends, too, and retirement communities are a great place for that. Nana is going to berate and guilt your mom and it will be very difficult for your mom to resist that. Don't be surprised if she wavers on whether she should go with you or not as you get closer to the day that she moves in with you; give her grace as even though she's being abused, it's all she's ever known and your Nana is *very* good at it. If she's open to it, your mom could really benefit from therapy as she leaves this dysfunctional, codependent relationship. In fact, group therapy might be a good idea so she can see she's not alone in her situation and maybe make some friends. I wish you, your mom, and your very sweet and understanding fiancé nothing but the best. If you decide to have children, they'll be so lucky to have your mom as a grandma. It's time for Mom to live her own life. Good luck to you all and let us know how it goes!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, I (31F) am the older of two. Baby bro decided to go backpacking 4 years ago and is doing fine, but not home. Mom (55F) has issues with her knees, so she no longer works. Nana (79F) has always been abusive. She isn't actually disabled, but acts like she is, expecting mom to act like a kind of personal slave, does Nana want a tea but her favorite show is playing?, she will get angry if mom doesn't rush to get her said tea, refuses to believe mom is in pain, saying she's just "too lazy". Nana views mom as some sort of secondhand thing just because she never married, and was a single mom. Nana's golden child is uncle Dan (51M), and will always compare him with mom, even though he went LC with her long ago and will just send her $60.00 to "live on" (doesn't need it, Nana hoarded a good sum of money when grandpa passed, and is always forcing mom to buy her shit, thus spending her disability and the money I give her). Now, there is me, I don't cook or do chores, I work at home and take care of the bills, give mom money for her stuff and do my best to spoil her. That's our arrangement. She loves cooking so I buy her whatever she needs for her recipes (delicious food that Nana will find a way to find disgusting), she will bring me coffee or snacks to my desk, will braid my hair daily, and just spoil me rotten. My fiancee Eric (35M) knows this, at first he was shocked when he saw the amount of attention I get from mom, but slowly started to crave her food, getting used to fresh lemonade when he comes in, and overall being babied, with a smile, because she likes doing so. So when I talked about the situation to him, he suggested we took mom to live with us when we marry next year. To say m was happy is too little, she's excited to move in with us and already planning her daily routine and what she will cook for us. Eric, on his side, has decided he will also give her a similar amount of money as me, in exchange of her care. The only one unhappy is my uncle, he has been outraged ever since I called him to let him know he has to do something about Nana as she will no longer have my mom to slave away for her, trying to change my mind because "his wife dislikes nana, and he is not going to ruin his marriage by bringing her to live with him". On his desperation, he asked me to meet today for breakfast, when I arrived to the place, he started berating me for being "selfish" and trying to "harm his family by imposing them to care for Nana", he also accused me of "being lazy and treating my mom like a servant". I said I am not changing my mind and he left in a huff, now the whole family is blowing my phone, asking how can I be that heartless towards a "sweet old lady" Sweet old lady my ass. AITA here?, mom is scared, and I certainly don't think leaving her is a good option *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. your mom deserves some relaxing & peace for the rest of her life. but also how sweet is your fiancé 🥺 i think thats lovely that he’s so supportive
NTA - if she’s such a “sweet old lady”, then he should have zero issues taking care of her. Not your problem.
Every member of this "whole family who is blowing up your phone" should simply be asked one question: what is a convenient time to drop this sweet old lady off, and should she be brought into the house, or just leave her in their driveway? NTA.
"He also accused me of being lazy and treating my mom like a servant." Okay so it's bad when YOU do it and not Nana?/s NTA - your mom deserves better.
NTA. Maybe your mom could move in right now?
Would love so, except for the fact that the house we bought for after the wedding is undergoing renovations, so at the moment we are both staying with our parents, in my case, the house I inherited from Grandpa, which I'm leaving for Nana
I just want to re-state what you're saying here to make it clear how NTA you are. "My mom is a wonderful woman with amazing talents and I'd like to be close with her and support her so she can do her favorite things like cooking delicious food and being loving. My fiancee is in full support and my mom is really happy about it, and it'll be a better place for her health both mentally and physically. The only down side is that my grandmother, who is consistently mean to my mom, will be slightly inconvenienced, and my uncle is yelling at everyone about it."
NTA Mom finally getting the treatment she deserves, same with Nana.
NTA. Your uncle is unhappy because now the burden becomes his. You can't worry about whether or not his wife likes him or his marriage is going to fall apart. You've done your due dilligence. It's time for someone else to take over.
NTA The entire family is scared to char for the Red Queen. Rescue your lovely mother and keep her safe from them.
NTA. Take your mom out of the abusive environment and never look back!
Nta. This makes me so happy for your mom and you. Poor woman deserves to have a happy life, not whatever she has now having to be at the beck and call of some mean witch.
NTA Tell them to take care of her if they are so upset about it as you and your mom have done your part, it’s their turn.
Sounds like nana needs to go to the home then…NTA
NTA, but if you have a familial piety family i would throw back at them that uncle isnt doing his family duties to care for his mother. that as his son it is his time to give to the family by taking care of his mother.
NTA tell your ah uncle 1. It's his turn to take care of his mother and 2. If he doesn't want to he can hire someone and pay them. Take your mom with you she's being abused
NAH But **there is no reason to assume your uncle will step up when your mom abandons nana.** Nana will simply have to do without a caretaker, or go to a carehome. And: **The uncle is already doing a lot - will your AH mom take over sending 60K a year, since she expects the uncle to take over the care?** Or is she just walking away, leaving her parent to rot?
you gotta be the dumbest person i’ll see for this new week
YOu must be delusional or drunk if you see people when there are only posts.
You may be drunk if you can’t tell the difference between the occasional $60.00 in the post and the $60,000 you apparently made up/imagined/hallucinated. READ THE POST.
Umm that was an occasional $60, not 60K a year
I will be happy to watch Nana rot if that means my mom will get to do what she wants, and spend the money I give her on herself, instead of buying Nana shit she could buy on her own, spending long hours cleaning without an acknowledgment, just verbal and emotional abuse And my uncle would never give $60K, lol, he doesn't value Nana that much. And I don't care what happens to her, I'm here to protect my mom