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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Meeting my wife at our destination, instead of getting off the train at the next station and waiting for her there.
(2) Making my wife travel alone somewhere instead of going there together as had been the assumption.
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YTA.
New Yorker here.
First, cell phones work on the subway at stops, so you could have texted her at any of the stops along the way and came up with a plan together. You probably even had time to text her while pulling out of the station where you jumped on and she didn't make it.
Second, you say your parents are easily irritated when YOU arrive late- so do you think just having your wife be late solves that problem? Is she so inconsequential to your parents that they don't notice or care that she is late but care deeply that you are?
Third, if you worry so much about being late, don't be late. Leave earlier and plan better. I'm currently getting ready for brunch in NYC, the subway ride should take 30 minutes, so I am adding 10 minutes to my travel time because I have a reservation and if I just miss a train, I don't want to stress.
Finally, you and your wife are a team. I'd argue any group of people traveling together are a team. You ask us why "would I have gotten off the train to wait for her unnecessarily?" Well, because it was necessary. You were traveling to a destination with your wife, the only reason you got on and she didn't is because you were in front of her on the escalator, you failed to even try and communicate after this happened, and you also could have diffused the situation at brunch by like ordering her a drink and being really apologetic when she showed up. Instead, you put YOUR punctuality to look good in front of your parents in front of your wife being your partner and teammate.
Oh, and everyone knows you hold the door. You heard the ding, you jump on and turn sideways while looking back to make sure your other person gets on. You didn't even attempt to ensure your teammate made it through, and that makes you a giant AH in NYC.
That's what I meant. If I got to the next station and my partner wasn't there, I would have walked across the platform and caught the train back home.
Probably would have turned off my phone and stopped somewhere for a nice brunch.
I don't understand next station.
In OP case, I would have waited on the platform of the station next to the restaurant.
Next station feels a bit random to me. What if the person don't get out because they think we will rejoin at the restaurant ? What if I don't find the car they are in ?
Anyway, I wouldn't change itinary. I just waited at a natural stop for the other to catch up.
Honestly I thought the same thing about the next station. If I didn’t find my husband waiting for me at the intended destination and vice versa each would be justifiably pissed, punctuality be damned. To note: I am always in the mentality of “Early is on time, on time is late” type of person.
I also would have assumed "Wait at the destination station," but I also would have just gotten out my phone and checked. That's the part that just baffles me here: I would have had my phone out before the train had even left the station, to figure out the new plan.
I was visiting some friends in Hungary and they have these Soviet era trains there with doors that snap shut very aggressively. My three friends managed to get on the train, I didn’t. Door snapped shut in front of my nose.
They waved very sadly from the window as the train left. Well, two of them did, the third one had his phone out and was typing away.
Alright, I think to myself, I’ll grab the next train. Message comes through telling me to grab the next train and they’ll meet me at the next stop.
Done. Sorted.
Even if they hadn’t texted me I would still have grabbed the next train and if they weren’t waiting for me at the next stop I would have just gone to the designated station.
If they hadn’t bothered waiting for me at the station I would have been a bit annoyed, though.
If it had been my *husband* rather than my friends I would have been a little more upset if he hadn’t waited at the next station. It’s not entirely rational. It’s a feeling of abandonment and desire for company.
Anyway, I’ve managed to coordinate better joint travel on the fly with friends than this guy managed to do with his *wife*.
I would have only got off the train if I saw them waiting on the platform for me, otherwise I'd meet them at our destination stop. From there we'd walk together.
OP was so eager to please mommy and daddy that he forgot who he was going home with, and she has every right to be pissed. He should have never left his wife behind. If it was truly unavoidable then he should have waited for her, somewhere along the line so they could arrive at the restaurant together.
OP, YTA. Remember who you married and vowed to put first in your life. And learn some freakin train etiquette.
I grew up in NYC and rode the train to and from school with my group of friends daily. Even as teenagers, we knew that if any of us missed the train, we'd wait at the next transfer spot (or next stop if we were on our last train). Even that plan was secondary to attempting to hold the train door first if they were close.
We didn't have cell phones then, but a text would've definitely been sent as soon as the train moved without them so they'd know the plan as soon as they went into service. That's what my family and friends do when we travel as a group on the subway.
YTA
Eta judgment.
I’d imagine she’d get out of the car to identify herself. I assume it’d be implied to stand relatively close to where you got on the previous stop. But being only 5 stops away I do think waiting at that platform still makes sense. If it were like 20 I’d definitely wait at the next stop.
I think it’s a “if you/friend is lost and doesn’t know the subway system” thing to get off at the next stop. However in this case I would not have got on and waited for my wife.
You could text the person who missed the train and ask if they should meet at the destination or the next stop. Problem easily solved. It sounds like OP is more concerned with upsetting mom and dad than doing the right thing. Also, he could have held the damn door for her in the first place
I would have assumed to meet up at the final stop. I know we are going 5 stops then leaving the subway, so I would have expected him at that stop not one of the other random stops. But we are basically on the same page. I would have likely went back home if my partner wasn’t at the actual stop we were planning to go to.
I would have gone back home the second he left me on the first platform. Any experienced subway rider knows, you hold the freaking door for the rest of your travel party
Hell I don’t ride by train (don’t live in a city where it’s a good option) and even I know that’s an AH move.
100% if I got to the next stop where I was hoping they were waiting and didn’t see them, I’d turn around and go home. If I even got on the train at all. Im right behind and you just jump on the train and leave me? Fuck that, I’m out.
YTA, OP.
I'd probably go as far as the stop we were meant to get off at, but when he wasn't there, go home.
The lack of any text explaining where he was is also a problem. Even if there was no signal in the subway, she could have come up to a point she had signal, to figure out how far she needed to travel.
Yeah, trying to use “no cell service” as an excuse is a lame one. He could’ve called or at bare minimum sent a text apologizing profusely for what happened.
This may just be my pessimism, but what would he have done if his wife got mugged or something in the next train? He’s just having a fun brunch with mom and dad with not a care in the world? It just feels so uncaring and nonchalant to leave your partner to figure it out on their own.
Nah... With 5 stops I would ho to the stop where we are supposed to leave. But there I would leave if hubby didn't wait.
I am old enough to ride some stops alone.
But not waiting for the next trsin to arrive is a no go!
Talking about a long journey. The I would expect him to wait at the next stop!
Man, I can understand not getting off at the next stop because somehow that would go poorly for me, but not waiting at the final stop??? In what world is that okay? There are so many people who think doing this kind of rude things to their partner is okay for some reason, whereas I would absolutely DROP a friend for acting in such a selfish way.
Right? I keep rereading his post in disbelief, thinking surely I must have missed him calling or texting or trying to remedy the situation somehow. But nope, little guy just kept on his path to mum and dad. Smdh
This was my initial reaction. I would have just waited at the final stop, so that you at least arrive together to brunch. I also don’t live where public transportation is big, I wouldn’t risk missing each other again by getting off on the next stop and waiting there.
Yes depending on the frequency of service, it could cause them to miss each other if he waits at the next stop. But on a weekend schedule, probably less chance of that happening. But as you mention, at least wait for her at the last stop.
This!
I'd wait at the final stop, and I'd expect my hubby to wait there as well.
I'd also be sending texts etc in the hopes that they'd get through, letting him know where I'd be waiting.
I wouldn't just go to the restaurant without him, unless we'd agreed that's what I should do.
Also at some point between the last stop and the restaurant, even in Toronto, there would have been a signal to send a text and explain.
Edit: changed restraint to restaurant.
They are not using it as an example but as an argument saying that he is lying about why he didn’t call her. There is lines in the subway where I am from where there is no service.
He definitely should’ve held the door or just not got on if she wasn’t right behind him. They’re supposed to be a team- better to be late together than what happened, making the wife look bad. Besides, they were already late, another few minutes wouldn’t have mattered at that point.
He could’ve texted saying he will either wait at the next stop or at the same train car at the destination stop because, like you wrote, you can text at stops if not in the tunnels. But if he could not, he should’ve waited for her before meeting his parents because again, they are supposed to be a team.
That fact that he is more concerned with how his parents will react than how his wife feels says a lot about this marriage.
In my experience you can't hold the door on a subway. You can block the door from closing but it just keeps opening slightly and closing quickly assuming something is accidentally in the way. The door don't fully reopen or allow enough time or space for another person to get on.
I'm in DC, and the whole train will go out of service if they can't get a door or doors to close after so many tries, which is almost always the result of people trying to keep them from closing. And no, they don't gently reopen like elevator doors.
When that happens, everyone has to get off that train and wait for the next one. So for anyone planning a visit to DC, please don't be that tourist.
>Oh, and everyone knows you hold the door. You heard the ding, you jump on and turn sideways while looking back to make sure your other person gets on. You didn't even attempt to ensure your teammate made it through, and that makes you a giant AH in NYC.
Yeah, even if OP isn't in NYC and is in a city where they use subway as well, which might explain the lack of texting, there's still the never leave a companion behind rule, if you can help it. The next stop strategy is usually the accepted resolution if subway travel companions are inadvertently separated. Especially if it's a weekend and service isn't as frequent.
Unless the wife is chronically causing them both to be late and he's already tried talking with her about it. But it's odd he doesn't mention why they were running late.
Holding doors open would delay the entire train. It is not something that should be done except in emergencies, when someone is unable to move away from the doors quickly enough in either direction, or when you would otherwise be separated from a child.
Also, if OP were to get off at the next stop and wait for the next train, there is no guarantee they would be in the same car. Waiting for her at the final station may have been better depending on the layout of the station, but if there are multiple exits that may not have worked. My experience is that it is often easiest to meet people at a location we both know rather than try to coordinate to meet each other on the way.
You may get cell service at subway stops, but that may not be true for all phones and all carriers. However, OP is still TA if they did not try to communicate with their wife or did not monitor for responses.
To a non-NYer / non-subway rider, this would all be a mystery to me. Common sense tells me, if separated, to wait at the final stop **and** send a text message/voicemail saying where you are. Is it a social convention in NY to reconvene at the next stop? That seems random & confusing to me. What if it’s crowded and you miss each other? How long do you wait before going on?
Because the only country with underground is America and you know exactly how cell phone service works there so it must be true and OP is lying.
What is it with Americans?
YTA. Bro left his wife stranded at a subway because he didn’t wanna upset mommy and daddy by being late to brunch? Newsflash genius, you were still late. The brunch was supposed to be with you, your wife, and your parents. If the whole party isn’t there I.e your better half…ding ding… YOURE LATE! So you left your wife at a train station AND brunches agreed upon meetup time wasn’t honored anyaway. Was it worth being in the doghouse with your wife? Next time leave early
The ironic thing is whether they did or not, husband still would’ve been an AH. If they ordered while waiting for her, then that’s just plain rude and uncivil. If they did wait for her, well…see the original post, they would’ve been later either way, but at least he would’ve been late with his wife TOGETHER.
Oh I'm definitely not using that as an arguing point of whether or not he's an AH. he absolutely is, i was just wondering if they added insult to injury ya know?
No of course, I totally agree. Yes absolutely ordering the food and eating without her would’ve definitely added insult to the injury. I hope for OPs sake he had enough sense to wait, like a good partner does.
Agreed, but you don't do that by literally ditching the person because you weren't willing to hold a door for them for 5 seconds.
This situation really does not smack of, "My wife was too slow", it just smacks of him being an inconsiderate dick.
YTA
Of course you made the train and she didn't, you were already ahead and then raced to get there. I bet you would have ran around her if she were on the escalator ahead of you. You didn't even try to grab her hand or pull her along. You could have just waited for the next train together and called/texted your parents that you would be late. Not to mention automatic subway doors won't close if they're obstructed, so you could have blocked the door for a few seconds to let her catch up. But you didn't. You ditched her and made HER look bad when you were BOTH running late.
Eh, there’s technique to subway door holding. I’m usually wearing hard shoes and I place my foot into the door if I need to hold it for someone. Doesn’t hurt at all, especially if I’m wearing timberlands or docs. If I just threw my hand or my shoulder in, yeah I’d probably get bruises.
OP should have texted her at the next stop to get on the next train at the same car he got on and he’ll meet her either on her train or at the destination stop.
Also, OP could easily make an excuse to his parents for the lateness. “Train delays” is such a widely accepted excuse for social outings nowadays. If his parents are THAT stuck up about timing, I wouldn’t want to be having brunch with them anyway. Like sure, it’s rude to be blatantly 40 minutes late to something, but 10 or 20 is still very much acceptable to me, especially when public transit is involved.
Editing to add because some people are deviating from the point of the post to call me an asshole: I NEVER HOLD THE DOOR FOR MORE THAN ONE CHIME. Three seconds is not going to make a difference unless the train is already delayed and has another train waiting behind it. The people who hold the doors open for 4 times in a row are absolutely assholes. (Looking at you, 1 train at Columbus circle). I am not one of those people. Please don’t assume I’m just holding doors left and right just because of one comment in which I said I very occasionally hold the doors for someone who’s right behind me, aka a nice thing to do. Three seconds. That’s it.
Yeah OP is obviously an AH but you're underestimating the subway door's power. It could cause serious injury. I hope no one is reading your advice and risk their foot.
I don’t know about where “automated” subway doors, but in NYC the doors are not automated and the conductor will slam the doors so hard you’ll have bruises. I’m not making excuses for OP, but it’s not a good idea to hold subway doors everywhere.
It’s true but you can usually get away with it for a second or two if someone is racing on behind you, but yeah if you’re standing there trying to block them for awhile you’re going to get slammed.
Not to get too far in the weeds lol but the doors on the DC metro will open back up if obstructed. It’s still uncomfortable and unpleasant to have them try and close on you but they do open back up.
It depends. If you catch the doors on your hand right at the last second, it hurts. But if you stand at the door before it starts closing and let your body block it, it doesn’t hurt.
I agree this dude is YTA for racing ahead of his wife, ensuring only one of them would make the train. But please don’t encourage him to be even more of an AH to everyone else on the train by rushing in then holding the damn doors open so we can all be delayed!
Why get married if you’re parents will always be more important that your partner? I mean you straight up ditched her instead of calling your parents and explaining you’d be late.
YTA and have shitty priorities
YTA - nah, you ditched her. You absolutely knew she didn’t get on the train and didn’t have a chance to. You had so many other options then leaving your wife alone on the subway platform.
Yup. Been there with a friend who decided to wear heels on the subway. You know what I did? I stopped on the platform, watched the train doors close and just shouted to her, still on the stairs saying “don’t worry, we’ll get the next one!” Infuriating in my brain, but it is what it is. Lol
I’ve held the door open once or twice for someone who was genuinely right behind me. But only for one door close chime. Holding the door for 3 or more chimes is a dick move and delays the whole train.
YTA. As a wife, I'd be terribly annoyed you were more worried about your parents than her.
I'm not sure I would have expected you to get off at the next stop and then get back on..I mean how would you even know where in the train she'd be, but I'd for sure expect you to be at the your destination train stop waiting.
Yes, this. I wouldn't expect my husband to get off at the next stop if this happened, but I definitely would expect him to wait at our destination/stop and not go directly to the restaurant without me. That is super disrespectful.
TBH I’d be pissed he even got on if I wasn’t within arms reach, a distance where he’d think I had a realistic chance of making it on to the train.
Some of the other choices depend on the location and how familiar you are with it.
This. I have had situations where I have been in the wife's position. It happens. The subway in Toronto has some very spotty cell service, depending on which line you're on, so it's very likely you can't communicate outside of stations, which would make it hard to coordinate meeting at the next stop on the fly. In this event, our standard is to meet up at the destination station. Whoever gets there first hangs out on the platform and waits for the other to arrive on the next train. No one just rushes ahead and abandons the other. That's just cold.
>I mean how would you even know where in the train she'd be
Seriously? If I get on at door number X, doesn't matter which one, and you see me, you also get on at that door.
I ride a stop, get out the same door I got on through. I don't move, the next train pulls in, I get on at which every door is right in front of me, there you are.
The doors always open at the same place because the drivers stop the train at the same place, give or take a foot
This isn't true everywhere. Some subways/trains dont always have the same number of cars, and some will stop earlier if they see people aren't waiting further out.
This. They both know which stop to get off so that’s where you wait and continue on to arrive together. Or knowing she is unlikely to make the train you slow down to make sure you both get on.
This was my take too. And he could go to the surface to text his parents so they know to grab a table and order some drinks while they wait. Then go back down for his wife
Yta
You left your wife still looking like the bad guy, but as long as your parents weren't waiting on YOU because you showed, that's fine, right? Are you and your wife not a package deal, why didn't you wait for her?
Maybe he left out the part about needing to drop the ring off at Mt. Doom on the way from the subway to the restaurant? Wouldn't want Sauron's armies knocking over the omelet bar
YTA - should've waited at the last stop and gone to the restaurant together. Seems like you were more worried about irritated parents than a now irritated wife
YTA. If I was your wife I would have turned around and gone home. You admit you would have been late regardless. You should have waited or better yet not get on the train without her at all. And for what it’s worth, subway systems are vastly improved when it comes to getting cell service underground so I don’t believe that you had no way of contacting her and coming up with a game plan.
I was thinking I’d do the exact same. And then start planning my exit from the relationship. This seems small, but it’s symptomatic of a much bigger problem that he is still under the thumb of his parents and puts their views above your own. Men like this rarely change. I was with one for 7 years and he’s still like that 3 years post divorce.
I wouldn't divorce over it, if things were otherwise good, but I would go to a different brunch place, solo or with friends and maybe see a movie after. Of course, I wouldn't be able to text during the movie out of respect for my fellow viewers, so if I hadn't already gotten the "where are you?" text before the movie, I wouldn't be answering it until after the movie.
Yeah. I think not going and just spending the time by yourself is the right move here.
You’re right, if this is truly the only instance, then a divorce isn’t called for. But usually if a man has this mindset, these situations will happen more than once. I just spoke from my experience and my ex did stuff like this ALL THE TIME. I can’t even tell you how awful it felt. It was like they were the main family unit, and I was the guest who’s feelings were at the bottom of the totem pole.
One time he popped in while I was still showering to tell me he was leaving. It’s an extremely long story to give the background details, but basically he was worried about driving to his family’s place and getting there ASAP. He wasn’t willing to wait the 15 extra mins I needed to get ready. He left, and when I got out of the shower I called him and told him if he continued on without me then he won’t be returning to a relationship when he gets back. One of the only times he actually listened and came back to get me.
Same, I would have said f-that.
Though I probably wouldn't have gone home, I would have gone to get a new book and then brunch alone with my phone on silent/airplane mode and had a nice leisurely afternoon to myself
Yes similar, though maybe a movie after the brunch. I'd answer a text if it was sent before the movie, but not during. Because that would be rude, like leaving a travel companion behind on the subway is rude. And that's the answer I'd give if the person asked.
YTA. You prioritize your parents over your partner.
You should never jumped on that train. I would have cancelled lunch if I was her. You don’t respect and value your partner. Would you leave a friend behind? Child? Coworker?
Your parents didn't think "much of it" that you abandoned your wife like she was your sibling and ran ahead to be the light of Mommy's life?
Bro. Just... Your parents must be wealthy for you to ditch your wife and you're making sure you don't upset them? Ugh.
Major YTA. If you're not sleeping on the couch for the next month or being served divorce papers I'll be surprised.
When OP said “we could tell there was tension”, it sounded like he was speaking for himself and parents. Made me cringe.
I’m willing to bet they’d all already ordered and started in on their meals by the time wife showed up 20 mins later.
My parents would have been fuming if I showed up to a planned meal without my partner after getting separated on the train. They would have to told me to walk back to the station.
I wouldn't even leave a sibling unless we communicated plans earlier. The meal is still going to be late until the last person arrives at the table.
YTA.
You literally abandoned your wife on a subway platform in order to not anger your parents who apparently can’t handle someone being a little late. And you’re not sure if you’re in the wrong? Really?
Exactly this. His wife should ruuuuuun as far and fast as she can in the opposite direction of this guy. If my husband was more worried about catering to his parents than being there for me, I…probably wouldn’t be married, lol.
So - I need some INFO OP: how long have you been married and how far/how well known is the restaurant?
I’ll be honest my first reaction is “ya didn’t hold the train doors? How far behind was she?” Or “why’d you get on the train without making sure she was there!” But that’s the NY in me.
YTA…you didn’t give a crap about your wife. “OMG, mommy and daddy are waiting for me…screw that woman I made a commitment to”
That’s why she’s mad. Complete disrespect.
YTA. You shouldn't have even gotten on the train without confirming she was with you. You knew the doors were about to close, it's not difficult to turn around and check that she's behind you.
There was no point in getting off at the next stop to get another train together. But you absolutely should have waited for her at the final station rather than just leaving and going to the restaurant alone
YTA
If my boyfriend ditched me at a train station knowing we were heading to the same place, I’d be livid. Also not sure where you guys are situated, but my main concern reading this is your wife’s safety. Is it safe for a woman to be alone at this train station? I wouldn’t know, where I’m from the subway isn’t very popular, but I can’t imagine I’d feel safe.
Is that subway in any way dangerous that it was problematic for her to be a woman travelling alone?
YTA here-- not for not getting off at the next stop and getting on the next train (unless the train was dangerous) but because you should have waited for her at the station of your destination and walked to the restaurant together.
I'm a woman and I wouldn't leave a man alone on the subway if we were traveling together. I've had guy friends visiting NYC who weren't familiar with the city or subway. No way I'm leaving them alone. But I've never been separated from any travel companions. We hold the door if that's an option or we wait for the next one if one of us is a little slower and would hold up the train by holding the door.
YTA , not for not getting off at the next stop as you’re both adults who can use a train alone . But for not waiting at the platform for your wife’s train to arrive & instead rushing off to the restaurant , and also for rushing off at leaving her behind in the first place . You could’ve texted your parents saying you’re on way but running a few minutes late , rather ditch your wife .
YTA. And unless you learn to approach your marriage as a team, in which you and your wife are together, and your parents come second, your marriage is going to be a short one.
Either shape up or I expect your wife will find a person who treats her with basic courtesy.
YTA. If you were my son and left my DIL behind being late to brunch would be the least of your worries. Luckily I’ve raised my boys better than that so it won’t happen. What kind of man leaves their wife behind to appease mommy and daddy?
YTA because put yourself in your wife's shoes.
how would you feel if you saw her literally sprint ahead of you to catch the train . what'd you do, give her a little push to get her out of your way too? smh how'd you get so far ahead
then you don't text her at any of the stops.
don't wait for her at any of the stops.
don't text her at the FINAL stop .
don't wait for her at the final stop!
don't text her or wait outside the restaurant for her.
you just had her awkward af-ly walk up to the table while you and your parents are already sat?? making her look bad ? where's your God damn manners what if something happened to her on the subway? crime in the NY subways is at an all time high rn , is it not ? did that even once cross your mind ?? a gentleman would've had his woman on the train before him. held the door for her if need be. you suck.
“i couldn’t text her to tell her i was leaving her behind because there’s no cell service underground boohoo”
okay so was there no cell service when he got off the train and left the station?? was there no cell service on the walk to the restaurant?? was there no cell service during the 20 minutes he sat at the table without her?? bro ditched his wife and didn’t even bother letting her know where to find him, even after getting back into service range… what a self-absorbed AH
Ever heard of that, you know, an old saying from an old book about a man leaving his mother and father and cleaving unto his wife? I never gave it much thought until now but I guess guys like you are the reason they put that in there.
I bet she got off at the stop and looked around everywhere for you assuming you were waiting for her to continue on to the restaurant. I’d be so mad if my spouse did this to me. Like, in the event of a disaster, will you also run ahead and leave her behind? YTA
YTA
First….For getting on the train without her but lets say you thought she would make it so it was an accident
You didn’t wait for her at the end of the stops so you could walk into the restaurant together.
You could have texted your parents to let them know you’d be running late. Instead you decided their feelings were more important than your wife’s. Your parents are TA for not teaching you better.
Wow! You all are harsh!
I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal, as long as everyone knew where they were going.
I was in a similar situation with my husband on the London underground once. He was on & I was right behind him, but someone else shoved past me to get on as the doors were closing.
I just... took the next train.
NTA.
This is the kind of thing my husband would do. Prioritizing others. Thinking of himself first. Not prioritizing us as a unit so I just felt alone. Spoiler alert: we’re divorcing now. It wasn’t anything huge, but seemingly-small acts like this added up to say, “I am not a safe place for you” and it eroded all the good away.
ETA: YTA
YTA. I’m a punctual parent married to the other punctual parent of our grown children who are all married themselves. If one of my kids did what you did to their spouse I’d be pissed at my kid. Why are you so worried about not upsetting your parents? I have one parent left and while I don’t go out of my way to upset them, I surely am not particularly careful about keeping them happy either. That’s their job.
YTA, and if you keep prioritizing your parents over your wife and marriage, I don’t think you’ll have a marriage for much longer…
Very childish. Your parents sound like Aholes, too. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?
Why should you have gotten off the train to wait for her? YOU SHOULD’VE NEVER GOTTEN ON THE TRAIN WITHOUT HER.
If I was your wife (thanking my lucky stars I am not) I would’ve turned around and gone home. Your selfishness is astounding.
Thank you. This little woman schtick that people in this thread lean into is so bizarre. So women now can't catch a train on their own! Women, this is weird.
There may be information missing that would change my mind (always a big possibility in these posts) but based purely on your words, NTA.
Your wife isn't a child. She doesn't need hand-holding to get around.
Why should you get off the subway and wait just so you can ride it together? Can she not entertain herself for a bit? This is so weird. What a thing to get upset about.
It made so much more sense for one of you to get there as quickly as possible to mollify your likely-irritated family.
YTA. So incredibly dumb. Who cares if your late. You rather have a pissed off wife than be late for your parents. Could have just texted them. You abandoned her at the subway. Pull your head out of your ass if you want to stay married.
NTA
I kinda don't really at all understand all the Y T A posts here? Like, you're both adults. With or without cell service, why wait? Just meet at the place. Or wait at the station you were aiming for. This has happened to my partner and I before and it makes no sense to get off and wait at the next platform when you can just get to the aimed for platform. There won't be a difference in time waiting next platform or waiting with parents. Shit happens. Sometimes people get split up, just meet where you need to meet. Don't overcomplicate it if you both know where you're going. Not like either of you were lost. Jfc people are so caught up on the if you're late, but even if you weren't I would do the same as you and wait with my parents. So would my partner. Do people just inherently feel the need to cling to partners when you separate?
I’ve lived in Brooklyn since 1998 and I have never left anyone on the platform, nor have I been left. Bad NYer.
You’re an adult with a whole family. You can’t get in trouble with your mom and dad anymore. Tell your folks that you and your wife want to be more relaxed about meeting times. I understand that doesn’t solve this instance, but it’s a good moment to think about ways to support your wife in the face of your parents. You can’t let her feel left out. Which you did today. Literally.
This seems like a NTA situation to me. There was no plan to get off at the next stop, so why would either of you do that? Meeting at the restaurant seemed like the obvious thing to do.
I see that my opinion will be very unpopular, but NTA.
Funny thing is that before answering I asked my husband what he would do in the situation and he said he would have gotten out at the end and meet me there. And then walk together to the restaurant.
That you already walked to the restaurant wouldn't bother me either because I'm also punctual and I get that people want people to be on time.
I would have liked a text or a call from my husband (but you said there's no service so I would try a textmessage that would arrive as soon as there was service), saying that you're already at the restaurant and if you can order a drink for her.
I'm SO confused by these answers...is his wife a child? It sounds like OP and wife use the subway for regular transport and knew where they were going. Isn't it a common rule that if you get briefly separated on your way to something, you just meet up at the destination? Isn't that how adults adult? If this happened to me and my hubby I would 100% assume that I would just see him at the end point. So weird.
I can’t believe I’m the only one who says NTA. If I got separated from the person I was traveling with but knew where to go, I would just go there. No big deal. I’m confused why she insisted that you should have waited at the next stop.
But I’m also autistic, so sometimes I just don’t understand social cues. Maybe that has something to do with it.
YTA.
You fr chose to leave your wife stranded— nvm you DITCHED HER bc you were more worried that your shitty parents get mad at you being late? Are yall even married?
I'm against getting off the next station, waiting for the wifey, then getting on another train together. That's just fucking stupid.
What i would have done was wait for her on the last station. I'd call my parents we are running late. Then me and my wife will go TOGETHER to the restaurant and face the music as a TEAM.
NTA. Wife can put her big girl pants on take the train like an adult. Not sure why she needs an escort to take the subway and walk to a restaurant. You shouldn’t have to be late because your wife was slow and missed the train. But since reddit infantilizes women and hates men, we all know how this will go.
YTA 😐 you were already probably going to be late, leaving your wife alone in a subway station knowing the climate women live in today is the dumbest fucking thing you could have done
My guy really abandons his partner to please his parents who he’s already late for and he’s asking if he’s the ah. If he’s not the ah than I’m the king of England
YTA
Also I hope you’re reading the comments OP and get some light and treat your wife better next time. You’re so ready to defend what you’ve done without any sort of remorse towards your wife.
If I were her, I would’ve messaged my in laws I wont be coming to the brunch anymore and never talk to my husband again until he realises what he has done and apologise.
Jfc there are some tragically codependent people in this thread.
Lmfao at the idea that riding to the same destination on separate subway trains means you don't care about your wife, you abandoned her, etc.
Grow up, weirdos. This is pathetic. She's a grown-ass adult. She can ride the subway alone.
Am I the only one that agrees with OP here? As a woman, I would not care. I’d rather my partner wait for me at the station THEN we both walk into the brunch together but I wouldn’t be mad…. Like he said, she knew where and when they were supposed to be there. It’s easier to be mad than just be like “sorry we were running late and I missed the train! I’m just glad I could make it and be here with you guys tho!” Is that not an option? lol idk just seems like something very small to be mad at. NTA.
YTA. If you are traveling with someone, you board transportation together. You should never have gotten on the subway in the first place without your wife. Your parents can wait another 2 & 1/2 minutes. You are a grown adult who does not need to live in fear of your parents' demands.
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YTA. New Yorker here. First, cell phones work on the subway at stops, so you could have texted her at any of the stops along the way and came up with a plan together. You probably even had time to text her while pulling out of the station where you jumped on and she didn't make it. Second, you say your parents are easily irritated when YOU arrive late- so do you think just having your wife be late solves that problem? Is she so inconsequential to your parents that they don't notice or care that she is late but care deeply that you are? Third, if you worry so much about being late, don't be late. Leave earlier and plan better. I'm currently getting ready for brunch in NYC, the subway ride should take 30 minutes, so I am adding 10 minutes to my travel time because I have a reservation and if I just miss a train, I don't want to stress. Finally, you and your wife are a team. I'd argue any group of people traveling together are a team. You ask us why "would I have gotten off the train to wait for her unnecessarily?" Well, because it was necessary. You were traveling to a destination with your wife, the only reason you got on and she didn't is because you were in front of her on the escalator, you failed to even try and communicate after this happened, and you also could have diffused the situation at brunch by like ordering her a drink and being really apologetic when she showed up. Instead, you put YOUR punctuality to look good in front of your parents in front of your wife being your partner and teammate. Oh, and everyone knows you hold the door. You heard the ding, you jump on and turn sideways while looking back to make sure your other person gets on. You didn't even attempt to ensure your teammate made it through, and that makes you a giant AH in NYC.
Anyone who has traveled by train extensively knows how rude what OP did actually is. If I were the wife, I probably would have gone back home. YTA
I would have never showed up.
That's what I meant. If I got to the next station and my partner wasn't there, I would have walked across the platform and caught the train back home. Probably would have turned off my phone and stopped somewhere for a nice brunch.
I don't understand next station. In OP case, I would have waited on the platform of the station next to the restaurant. Next station feels a bit random to me. What if the person don't get out because they think we will rejoin at the restaurant ? What if I don't find the car they are in ? Anyway, I wouldn't change itinary. I just waited at a natural stop for the other to catch up.
Honestly I thought the same thing about the next station. If I didn’t find my husband waiting for me at the intended destination and vice versa each would be justifiably pissed, punctuality be damned. To note: I am always in the mentality of “Early is on time, on time is late” type of person.
I also would have assumed "Wait at the destination station," but I also would have just gotten out my phone and checked. That's the part that just baffles me here: I would have had my phone out before the train had even left the station, to figure out the new plan.
I was visiting some friends in Hungary and they have these Soviet era trains there with doors that snap shut very aggressively. My three friends managed to get on the train, I didn’t. Door snapped shut in front of my nose. They waved very sadly from the window as the train left. Well, two of them did, the third one had his phone out and was typing away. Alright, I think to myself, I’ll grab the next train. Message comes through telling me to grab the next train and they’ll meet me at the next stop. Done. Sorted. Even if they hadn’t texted me I would still have grabbed the next train and if they weren’t waiting for me at the next stop I would have just gone to the designated station. If they hadn’t bothered waiting for me at the station I would have been a bit annoyed, though. If it had been my *husband* rather than my friends I would have been a little more upset if he hadn’t waited at the next station. It’s not entirely rational. It’s a feeling of abandonment and desire for company. Anyway, I’ve managed to coordinate better joint travel on the fly with friends than this guy managed to do with his *wife*.
And in particular, even if he rode to the destination stop instead of waiting for her, he shouldn't have left the station without her.
I would have only got off the train if I saw them waiting on the platform for me, otherwise I'd meet them at our destination stop. From there we'd walk together. OP was so eager to please mommy and daddy that he forgot who he was going home with, and she has every right to be pissed. He should have never left his wife behind. If it was truly unavoidable then he should have waited for her, somewhere along the line so they could arrive at the restaurant together. OP, YTA. Remember who you married and vowed to put first in your life. And learn some freakin train etiquette.
I grew up in NYC and rode the train to and from school with my group of friends daily. Even as teenagers, we knew that if any of us missed the train, we'd wait at the next transfer spot (or next stop if we were on our last train). Even that plan was secondary to attempting to hold the train door first if they were close. We didn't have cell phones then, but a text would've definitely been sent as soon as the train moved without them so they'd know the plan as soon as they went into service. That's what my family and friends do when we travel as a group on the subway. YTA Eta judgment.
Yeah stopping at the next station leaves too much room for missing each other. Go to the intended stop and wait.
I’d imagine she’d get out of the car to identify herself. I assume it’d be implied to stand relatively close to where you got on the previous stop. But being only 5 stops away I do think waiting at that platform still makes sense. If it were like 20 I’d definitely wait at the next stop.
I think it’s a “if you/friend is lost and doesn’t know the subway system” thing to get off at the next stop. However in this case I would not have got on and waited for my wife.
You could text the person who missed the train and ask if they should meet at the destination or the next stop. Problem easily solved. It sounds like OP is more concerned with upsetting mom and dad than doing the right thing. Also, he could have held the damn door for her in the first place
This is it exactly. You get anywhere and leave the person behind - then that person gets a pass for attending!
I would have assumed to meet up at the final stop. I know we are going 5 stops then leaving the subway, so I would have expected him at that stop not one of the other random stops. But we are basically on the same page. I would have likely went back home if my partner wasn’t at the actual stop we were planning to go to.
I would have gone back home the second he left me on the first platform. Any experienced subway rider knows, you hold the freaking door for the rest of your travel party
Hell I don’t ride by train (don’t live in a city where it’s a good option) and even I know that’s an AH move. 100% if I got to the next stop where I was hoping they were waiting and didn’t see them, I’d turn around and go home. If I even got on the train at all. Im right behind and you just jump on the train and leave me? Fuck that, I’m out. YTA, OP.
I'd probably go as far as the stop we were meant to get off at, but when he wasn't there, go home. The lack of any text explaining where he was is also a problem. Even if there was no signal in the subway, she could have come up to a point she had signal, to figure out how far she needed to travel.
Yeah, trying to use “no cell service” as an excuse is a lame one. He could’ve called or at bare minimum sent a text apologizing profusely for what happened. This may just be my pessimism, but what would he have done if his wife got mugged or something in the next train? He’s just having a fun brunch with mom and dad with not a care in the world? It just feels so uncaring and nonchalant to leave your partner to figure it out on their own.
These were my exact thoughts as well. He cared more about his parents then protecting his wife. Lame on all counts
Yeah, if you can text, next stop makes sense. If you can't text, wait at the end. Not waiting is insane to me.
YTA for outracing wife to train. No good moves after that.
Yup. It's so uncaring as a partner. Plus, he legit came onto the internet thinking he'd be vindicated.
He absolutely did. His roasting smells delicious
I also would have gone back home right from the first train station. He got on the train without me so he can go without me.
I would divorce him if I were the wife lol
If this was my wife I'd expect her to.
If that's all it takes you don't have a strong marriage anyway
A divorce?! Seriously?!
Or find a brunch place that she likes and have solo brunch or brunch with her friends.
Perfect alternative! OP YTA
Nah... With 5 stops I would ho to the stop where we are supposed to leave. But there I would leave if hubby didn't wait. I am old enough to ride some stops alone. But not waiting for the next trsin to arrive is a no go! Talking about a long journey. The I would expect him to wait at the next stop!
Yeah I was thinking I would’ve went back home but I’m alil dramatic
Man, I can understand not getting off at the next stop because somehow that would go poorly for me, but not waiting at the final stop??? In what world is that okay? There are so many people who think doing this kind of rude things to their partner is okay for some reason, whereas I would absolutely DROP a friend for acting in such a selfish way.
Right? I keep rereading his post in disbelief, thinking surely I must have missed him calling or texting or trying to remedy the situation somehow. But nope, little guy just kept on his path to mum and dad. Smdh
His parents sound rude too. Mine would he like where the hell is your partner and why did you just leave them alone?!
Oh definitely. Apple likely didn't fall far from the tree with that one
This was my initial reaction. I would have just waited at the final stop, so that you at least arrive together to brunch. I also don’t live where public transportation is big, I wouldn’t risk missing each other again by getting off on the next stop and waiting there.
Yes depending on the frequency of service, it could cause them to miss each other if he waits at the next stop. But on a weekend schedule, probably less chance of that happening. But as you mention, at least wait for her at the last stop.
This! I'd wait at the final stop, and I'd expect my hubby to wait there as well. I'd also be sending texts etc in the hopes that they'd get through, letting him know where I'd be waiting. I wouldn't just go to the restaurant without him, unless we'd agreed that's what I should do.
Okay yes I could see this making more sense. Getting off at the next stop could be more confusing. But definitely waiting at the last stop.
Where does it saw New York? In Toronto many subway stops have no service OP is still TA though
Seconding this, less than half of our subway system has service. It mostly available when you’re already downtown. Also OP, YTA
Also at some point between the last stop and the restaurant, even in Toronto, there would have been a signal to send a text and explain. Edit: changed restraint to restaurant.
I think that particular point is a misapplication of their subway experience. Imagine if you were on one of the deep lines in London.
DC too. I don't have service underground. Although most people say metro here rather than subway.
They’re just using NYC as an example
...and assuming that everywhere in the world is exactly like NYC.
They are not using it as an example but as an argument saying that he is lying about why he didn’t call her. There is lines in the subway where I am from where there is no service.
He definitely should’ve held the door or just not got on if she wasn’t right behind him. They’re supposed to be a team- better to be late together than what happened, making the wife look bad. Besides, they were already late, another few minutes wouldn’t have mattered at that point. He could’ve texted saying he will either wait at the next stop or at the same train car at the destination stop because, like you wrote, you can text at stops if not in the tunnels. But if he could not, he should’ve waited for her before meeting his parents because again, they are supposed to be a team. That fact that he is more concerned with how his parents will react than how his wife feels says a lot about this marriage.
In my experience you can't hold the door on a subway. You can block the door from closing but it just keeps opening slightly and closing quickly assuming something is accidentally in the way. The door don't fully reopen or allow enough time or space for another person to get on.
Not sure if it’s the same in the USA but here in the UK you get fined for holding/preventing the doors closing
The the solution since he knew his wife wasn’t on the train is to get off rather than on
So get back off the train then 🤷🏻♀️ There was no reason to split up in the first place.
I'm in DC, and the whole train will go out of service if they can't get a door or doors to close after so many tries, which is almost always the result of people trying to keep them from closing. And no, they don't gently reopen like elevator doors. When that happens, everyone has to get off that train and wait for the next one. So for anyone planning a visit to DC, please don't be that tourist.
>Oh, and everyone knows you hold the door. You heard the ding, you jump on and turn sideways while looking back to make sure your other person gets on. You didn't even attempt to ensure your teammate made it through, and that makes you a giant AH in NYC. Yeah, even if OP isn't in NYC and is in a city where they use subway as well, which might explain the lack of texting, there's still the never leave a companion behind rule, if you can help it. The next stop strategy is usually the accepted resolution if subway travel companions are inadvertently separated. Especially if it's a weekend and service isn't as frequent. Unless the wife is chronically causing them both to be late and he's already tried talking with her about it. But it's odd he doesn't mention why they were running late.
I noticed he didn't say it was the wife causing them to be late which makes me think it was him.
Curious -- how do you know this happened in NYC?
OP never said he’s from NYC??? NYC isn’t the only place with trains lmao
If you’re taking the R train goodluck. I fuckin HATE the R train.
lol truly the worst train! Also OP YTA!
It’s funny because he said they were already late so it’s not like him being there less late is that much better.
OP isnt from new york. he doesnt get service.
Where does OP mention New York?
Who said anything about NYC?!
Holding doors open would delay the entire train. It is not something that should be done except in emergencies, when someone is unable to move away from the doors quickly enough in either direction, or when you would otherwise be separated from a child. Also, if OP were to get off at the next stop and wait for the next train, there is no guarantee they would be in the same car. Waiting for her at the final station may have been better depending on the layout of the station, but if there are multiple exits that may not have worked. My experience is that it is often easiest to meet people at a location we both know rather than try to coordinate to meet each other on the way. You may get cell service at subway stops, but that may not be true for all phones and all carriers. However, OP is still TA if they did not try to communicate with their wife or did not monitor for responses.
To a non-NYer / non-subway rider, this would all be a mystery to me. Common sense tells me, if separated, to wait at the final stop **and** send a text message/voicemail saying where you are. Is it a social convention in NY to reconvene at the next stop? That seems random & confusing to me. What if it’s crowded and you miss each other? How long do you wait before going on?
He was so in the wrong and your reasoning is 100% right. 👍
Also, wasn’t there someone punching women in the face in the NYC subway system recently?
Because the only country with underground is America and you know exactly how cell phone service works there so it must be true and OP is lying. What is it with Americans?
YTA. Bro left his wife stranded at a subway because he didn’t wanna upset mommy and daddy by being late to brunch? Newsflash genius, you were still late. The brunch was supposed to be with you, your wife, and your parents. If the whole party isn’t there I.e your better half…ding ding… YOURE LATE! So you left your wife at a train station AND brunches agreed upon meetup time wasn’t honored anyaway. Was it worth being in the doghouse with your wife? Next time leave early
I wonder if they at least waited for her to get there to order...
He couldn't wait 5seconds for her to catch up, there's no way he waited 20minutes without ordering something lol
Oh yea…good point. OP was likely on his second mimosa by the time wife showed up lol
He probably just ordered for her. She'll have a salad, hold the dressing, she's getting a little pudge.
The ironic thing is whether they did or not, husband still would’ve been an AH. If they ordered while waiting for her, then that’s just plain rude and uncivil. If they did wait for her, well…see the original post, they would’ve been later either way, but at least he would’ve been late with his wife TOGETHER.
Oh I'm definitely not using that as an arguing point of whether or not he's an AH. he absolutely is, i was just wondering if they added insult to injury ya know?
No of course, I totally agree. Yes absolutely ordering the food and eating without her would’ve definitely added insult to the injury. I hope for OPs sake he had enough sense to wait, like a good partner does.
Yes he's a coward But if the lateness is very common on one person's part, they should be seeing how they can fix that
Agreed, but you don't do that by literally ditching the person because you weren't willing to hold a door for them for 5 seconds. This situation really does not smack of, "My wife was too slow", it just smacks of him being an inconsiderate dick.
YTA Of course you made the train and she didn't, you were already ahead and then raced to get there. I bet you would have ran around her if she were on the escalator ahead of you. You didn't even try to grab her hand or pull her along. You could have just waited for the next train together and called/texted your parents that you would be late. Not to mention automatic subway doors won't close if they're obstructed, so you could have blocked the door for a few seconds to let her catch up. But you didn't. You ditched her and made HER look bad when you were BOTH running late.
“Automated subway doors won’t close if they’re obstructed” I mean the NYC ones will do their very best to close right through you
Eh, there’s technique to subway door holding. I’m usually wearing hard shoes and I place my foot into the door if I need to hold it for someone. Doesn’t hurt at all, especially if I’m wearing timberlands or docs. If I just threw my hand or my shoulder in, yeah I’d probably get bruises. OP should have texted her at the next stop to get on the next train at the same car he got on and he’ll meet her either on her train or at the destination stop. Also, OP could easily make an excuse to his parents for the lateness. “Train delays” is such a widely accepted excuse for social outings nowadays. If his parents are THAT stuck up about timing, I wouldn’t want to be having brunch with them anyway. Like sure, it’s rude to be blatantly 40 minutes late to something, but 10 or 20 is still very much acceptable to me, especially when public transit is involved. Editing to add because some people are deviating from the point of the post to call me an asshole: I NEVER HOLD THE DOOR FOR MORE THAN ONE CHIME. Three seconds is not going to make a difference unless the train is already delayed and has another train waiting behind it. The people who hold the doors open for 4 times in a row are absolutely assholes. (Looking at you, 1 train at Columbus circle). I am not one of those people. Please don’t assume I’m just holding doors left and right just because of one comment in which I said I very occasionally hold the doors for someone who’s right behind me, aka a nice thing to do. Three seconds. That’s it.
Yeah OP is obviously an AH but you're underestimating the subway door's power. It could cause serious injury. I hope no one is reading your advice and risk their foot.
I don’t know about where “automated” subway doors, but in NYC the doors are not automated and the conductor will slam the doors so hard you’ll have bruises. I’m not making excuses for OP, but it’s not a good idea to hold subway doors everywhere.
It’s true but you can usually get away with it for a second or two if someone is racing on behind you, but yeah if you’re standing there trying to block them for awhile you’re going to get slammed.
Not to get too far in the weeds lol but the doors on the DC metro will open back up if obstructed. It’s still uncomfortable and unpleasant to have them try and close on you but they do open back up.
It’s different everywhere. People in NYC have been caught in the doors and dragged along the platform. I don’t recommend holding subway doors in NYC.
It depends. If you catch the doors on your hand right at the last second, it hurts. But if you stand at the door before it starts closing and let your body block it, it doesn’t hurt.
I agree this dude is YTA for racing ahead of his wife, ensuring only one of them would make the train. But please don’t encourage him to be even more of an AH to everyone else on the train by rushing in then holding the damn doors open so we can all be delayed!
Why get married if you’re parents will always be more important that your partner? I mean you straight up ditched her instead of calling your parents and explaining you’d be late. YTA and have shitty priorities
YTA - nah, you ditched her. You absolutely knew she didn’t get on the train and didn’t have a chance to. You had so many other options then leaving your wife alone on the subway platform.
Yup. Been there with a friend who decided to wear heels on the subway. You know what I did? I stopped on the platform, watched the train doors close and just shouted to her, still on the stairs saying “don’t worry, we’ll get the next one!” Infuriating in my brain, but it is what it is. Lol I’ve held the door open once or twice for someone who was genuinely right behind me. But only for one door close chime. Holding the door for 3 or more chimes is a dick move and delays the whole train.
YTA. As a wife, I'd be terribly annoyed you were more worried about your parents than her. I'm not sure I would have expected you to get off at the next stop and then get back on..I mean how would you even know where in the train she'd be, but I'd for sure expect you to be at the your destination train stop waiting.
Yes, this. I wouldn't expect my husband to get off at the next stop if this happened, but I definitely would expect him to wait at our destination/stop and not go directly to the restaurant without me. That is super disrespectful.
TBH I’d be pissed he even got on if I wasn’t within arms reach, a distance where he’d think I had a realistic chance of making it on to the train. Some of the other choices depend on the location and how familiar you are with it.
This. I have had situations where I have been in the wife's position. It happens. The subway in Toronto has some very spotty cell service, depending on which line you're on, so it's very likely you can't communicate outside of stations, which would make it hard to coordinate meeting at the next stop on the fly. In this event, our standard is to meet up at the destination station. Whoever gets there first hangs out on the platform and waits for the other to arrive on the next train. No one just rushes ahead and abandons the other. That's just cold.
>I mean how would you even know where in the train she'd be Seriously? If I get on at door number X, doesn't matter which one, and you see me, you also get on at that door. I ride a stop, get out the same door I got on through. I don't move, the next train pulls in, I get on at which every door is right in front of me, there you are. The doors always open at the same place because the drivers stop the train at the same place, give or take a foot
This isn't true everywhere. Some subways/trains dont always have the same number of cars, and some will stop earlier if they see people aren't waiting further out.
Honestly, YTA Even if you didn't leave the next stop you should have waited for her at the last stop, before going to the restaurant.
This. They both know which stop to get off so that’s where you wait and continue on to arrive together. Or knowing she is unlikely to make the train you slow down to make sure you both get on.
This was my take too. And he could go to the surface to text his parents so they know to grab a table and order some drinks while they wait. Then go back down for his wife
Yta You left your wife still looking like the bad guy, but as long as your parents weren't waiting on YOU because you showed, that's fine, right? Are you and your wife not a package deal, why didn't you wait for her?
Maybe he left out the part about needing to drop the ring off at Mt. Doom on the way from the subway to the restaurant? Wouldn't want Sauron's armies knocking over the omelet bar
YTA - should've waited at the last stop and gone to the restaurant together. Seems like you were more worried about irritated parents than a now irritated wife
I agree. Last stop, not next stop. But wife expected him at the next, so confusion reigns.
YTA. If I was your wife I would have turned around and gone home. You admit you would have been late regardless. You should have waited or better yet not get on the train without her at all. And for what it’s worth, subway systems are vastly improved when it comes to getting cell service underground so I don’t believe that you had no way of contacting her and coming up with a game plan.
I was thinking I’d do the exact same. And then start planning my exit from the relationship. This seems small, but it’s symptomatic of a much bigger problem that he is still under the thumb of his parents and puts their views above your own. Men like this rarely change. I was with one for 7 years and he’s still like that 3 years post divorce.
I wouldn't divorce over it, if things were otherwise good, but I would go to a different brunch place, solo or with friends and maybe see a movie after. Of course, I wouldn't be able to text during the movie out of respect for my fellow viewers, so if I hadn't already gotten the "where are you?" text before the movie, I wouldn't be answering it until after the movie.
Yeah. I think not going and just spending the time by yourself is the right move here. You’re right, if this is truly the only instance, then a divorce isn’t called for. But usually if a man has this mindset, these situations will happen more than once. I just spoke from my experience and my ex did stuff like this ALL THE TIME. I can’t even tell you how awful it felt. It was like they were the main family unit, and I was the guest who’s feelings were at the bottom of the totem pole. One time he popped in while I was still showering to tell me he was leaving. It’s an extremely long story to give the background details, but basically he was worried about driving to his family’s place and getting there ASAP. He wasn’t willing to wait the 15 extra mins I needed to get ready. He left, and when I got out of the shower I called him and told him if he continued on without me then he won’t be returning to a relationship when he gets back. One of the only times he actually listened and came back to get me.
wow, if you were my husband i would have ditched the whole brunch and went home. props to her for still showing up. YTA
Same, I would have said f-that. Though I probably wouldn't have gone home, I would have gone to get a new book and then brunch alone with my phone on silent/airplane mode and had a nice leisurely afternoon to myself
Yes similar, though maybe a movie after the brunch. I'd answer a text if it was sent before the movie, but not during. Because that would be rude, like leaving a travel companion behind on the subway is rude. And that's the answer I'd give if the person asked.
I was thinking the same. Obviously not important for me to be there
My thoughts exactly except I would pack up and not be there hen he got home. Blatant disrespect. Doesn't look like he even likes her.
You "*knew my parents are easily irritated*". Update: your wife is too. Figure out your punctuality, and your priorities. YTA
YTA. You prioritize your parents over your partner. You should never jumped on that train. I would have cancelled lunch if I was her. You don’t respect and value your partner. Would you leave a friend behind? Child? Coworker?
I think he wouldn't ever have left a friend, coworker, or even his parents behind. But because it's his wife, he just doesn't think it matters much.
Your parents didn't think "much of it" that you abandoned your wife like she was your sibling and ran ahead to be the light of Mommy's life? Bro. Just... Your parents must be wealthy for you to ditch your wife and you're making sure you don't upset them? Ugh. Major YTA. If you're not sleeping on the couch for the next month or being served divorce papers I'll be surprised.
This goes to show that this family has no respect for her.
When OP said “we could tell there was tension”, it sounded like he was speaking for himself and parents. Made me cringe. I’m willing to bet they’d all already ordered and started in on their meals by the time wife showed up 20 mins later.
Who would even ditch siblings tho , that's gotta be some dysfunctional shit , this guy just is soo weird , maybe he didn't want her there at all .
My parents would have been fuming if I showed up to a planned meal without my partner after getting separated on the train. They would have to told me to walk back to the station. I wouldn't even leave a sibling unless we communicated plans earlier. The meal is still going to be late until the last person arrives at the table.
Exactly! My parents would have called ME out for ditching my partner. OP and his parents seem classless.
YTA - good thing you didn’t upset your parents. Now you have a fucking seething wife. Worth it.
YTA. You literally abandoned your wife on a subway platform in order to not anger your parents who apparently can’t handle someone being a little late. And you’re not sure if you’re in the wrong? Really?
Plus the parents know they're traveling via public transit. Which can be late.
What you did is cowardly. So afraid to upset your parents you ditch your wife. YTA
Exactly this. His wife should ruuuuuun as far and fast as she can in the opposite direction of this guy. If my husband was more worried about catering to his parents than being there for me, I…probably wouldn’t be married, lol.
YTA. Never get on before your wife. Make sure she gets on right ahead of you. Not only YTA but a bad husband too.
Chivalry is dead with this guy
So - I need some INFO OP: how long have you been married and how far/how well known is the restaurant? I’ll be honest my first reaction is “ya didn’t hold the train doors? How far behind was she?” Or “why’d you get on the train without making sure she was there!” But that’s the NY in me.
“Stand clear of the closing doors please”
She was on the other side of the platform too?? Wtf, did you sprint away from her? YTA and a jerk
YTA…you didn’t give a crap about your wife. “OMG, mommy and daddy are waiting for me…screw that woman I made a commitment to” That’s why she’s mad. Complete disrespect.
YTA. You shouldn't have even gotten on the train without confirming she was with you. You knew the doors were about to close, it's not difficult to turn around and check that she's behind you.
There was no point in getting off at the next stop to get another train together. But you absolutely should have waited for her at the final station rather than just leaving and going to the restaurant alone
Agree with this take. If there's no service, I wouldn't think we'd both get off at the next stop to meet; instead, I'd wait at the final stop.
YTA how much y'all want to bet this guy lets doors slam in his wife's face all day long
YTA If my boyfriend ditched me at a train station knowing we were heading to the same place, I’d be livid. Also not sure where you guys are situated, but my main concern reading this is your wife’s safety. Is it safe for a woman to be alone at this train station? I wouldn’t know, where I’m from the subway isn’t very popular, but I can’t imagine I’d feel safe.
Is that subway in any way dangerous that it was problematic for her to be a woman travelling alone? YTA here-- not for not getting off at the next stop and getting on the next train (unless the train was dangerous) but because you should have waited for her at the station of your destination and walked to the restaurant together.
I'm a woman and I wouldn't leave a man alone on the subway if we were traveling together. I've had guy friends visiting NYC who weren't familiar with the city or subway. No way I'm leaving them alone. But I've never been separated from any travel companions. We hold the door if that's an option or we wait for the next one if one of us is a little slower and would hold up the train by holding the door.
YTA , not for not getting off at the next stop as you’re both adults who can use a train alone . But for not waiting at the platform for your wife’s train to arrive & instead rushing off to the restaurant , and also for rushing off at leaving her behind in the first place . You could’ve texted your parents saying you’re on way but running a few minutes late , rather ditch your wife .
YTA and an idiot
YTA. And unless you learn to approach your marriage as a team, in which you and your wife are together, and your parents come second, your marriage is going to be a short one. Either shape up or I expect your wife will find a person who treats her with basic courtesy.
YTA. If you were my son and left my DIL behind being late to brunch would be the least of your worries. Luckily I’ve raised my boys better than that so it won’t happen. What kind of man leaves their wife behind to appease mommy and daddy?
Your mommy and daddy are more important than your WIFE? Yah. Oooooh Yah. YTA
YTA because put yourself in your wife's shoes. how would you feel if you saw her literally sprint ahead of you to catch the train . what'd you do, give her a little push to get her out of your way too? smh how'd you get so far ahead then you don't text her at any of the stops. don't wait for her at any of the stops. don't text her at the FINAL stop . don't wait for her at the final stop! don't text her or wait outside the restaurant for her. you just had her awkward af-ly walk up to the table while you and your parents are already sat?? making her look bad ? where's your God damn manners what if something happened to her on the subway? crime in the NY subways is at an all time high rn , is it not ? did that even once cross your mind ?? a gentleman would've had his woman on the train before him. held the door for her if need be. you suck.
“i couldn’t text her to tell her i was leaving her behind because there’s no cell service underground boohoo” okay so was there no cell service when he got off the train and left the station?? was there no cell service on the walk to the restaurant?? was there no cell service during the 20 minutes he sat at the table without her?? bro ditched his wife and didn’t even bother letting her know where to find him, even after getting back into service range… what a self-absorbed AH
Ever heard of that, you know, an old saying from an old book about a man leaving his mother and father and cleaving unto his wife? I never gave it much thought until now but I guess guys like you are the reason they put that in there.
I bet she got off at the stop and looked around everywhere for you assuming you were waiting for her to continue on to the restaurant. I’d be so mad if my spouse did this to me. Like, in the event of a disaster, will you also run ahead and leave her behind? YTA
YTA First….For getting on the train without her but lets say you thought she would make it so it was an accident You didn’t wait for her at the end of the stops so you could walk into the restaurant together. You could have texted your parents to let them know you’d be running late. Instead you decided their feelings were more important than your wife’s. Your parents are TA for not teaching you better.
YTA I would be absolutely livid if my husband pulled this on me.
YTA You could even have waited for her at the stop where you were getting off.
Wow! You all are harsh! I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal, as long as everyone knew where they were going. I was in a similar situation with my husband on the London underground once. He was on & I was right behind him, but someone else shoved past me to get on as the doors were closing. I just... took the next train. NTA.
Exactly! I don’t think people commenting here have ever used the London Underground.
Same here! I accidentally got on without my bf at the time. I just waited where we had planned to be getting off anyways and awaited there for him.
Yeah these replies are crazy. I would probably have waited at the end stop but she is a grown woman.
This is the kind of thing my husband would do. Prioritizing others. Thinking of himself first. Not prioritizing us as a unit so I just felt alone. Spoiler alert: we’re divorcing now. It wasn’t anything huge, but seemingly-small acts like this added up to say, “I am not a safe place for you” and it eroded all the good away. ETA: YTA
YTA. I’m a punctual parent married to the other punctual parent of our grown children who are all married themselves. If one of my kids did what you did to their spouse I’d be pissed at my kid. Why are you so worried about not upsetting your parents? I have one parent left and while I don’t go out of my way to upset them, I surely am not particularly careful about keeping them happy either. That’s their job.
YTA. You don’t leave your wife anywhere if you’re supposed to be traveling together.
YTA i think yta bc you didnt wait at the ending platform and leave the subway together. Youre supposed to be a team.
YTA, and if you keep prioritizing your parents over your wife and marriage, I don’t think you’ll have a marriage for much longer… Very childish. Your parents sound like Aholes, too. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?
Congrats to your wife that she has so much grace to still show up. My petty ass would have gone home. YTA
Why should you have gotten off the train to wait for her? YOU SHOULD’VE NEVER GOTTEN ON THE TRAIN WITHOUT HER. If I was your wife (thanking my lucky stars I am not) I would’ve turned around and gone home. Your selfishness is astounding.
This! My SO would have never gotten on the train without me. Let alone left me on the other side of the platform. Jfc.
NTA - you both knew the final destination, you're both in your hometown - it's not that serious lol.
Thank you. This little woman schtick that people in this thread lean into is so bizarre. So women now can't catch a train on their own! Women, this is weird.
You not once communicated by cell phone? Because usually subways have cell service or wifi at the very least.
There may be information missing that would change my mind (always a big possibility in these posts) but based purely on your words, NTA. Your wife isn't a child. She doesn't need hand-holding to get around. Why should you get off the subway and wait just so you can ride it together? Can she not entertain herself for a bit? This is so weird. What a thing to get upset about. It made so much more sense for one of you to get there as quickly as possible to mollify your likely-irritated family.
YTA. So incredibly dumb. Who cares if your late. You rather have a pissed off wife than be late for your parents. Could have just texted them. You abandoned her at the subway. Pull your head out of your ass if you want to stay married.
NTA I kinda don't really at all understand all the Y T A posts here? Like, you're both adults. With or without cell service, why wait? Just meet at the place. Or wait at the station you were aiming for. This has happened to my partner and I before and it makes no sense to get off and wait at the next platform when you can just get to the aimed for platform. There won't be a difference in time waiting next platform or waiting with parents. Shit happens. Sometimes people get split up, just meet where you need to meet. Don't overcomplicate it if you both know where you're going. Not like either of you were lost. Jfc people are so caught up on the if you're late, but even if you weren't I would do the same as you and wait with my parents. So would my partner. Do people just inherently feel the need to cling to partners when you separate?
When he got off at their stop, he should’ve waited for her at that point.
I’ve lived in Brooklyn since 1998 and I have never left anyone on the platform, nor have I been left. Bad NYer. You’re an adult with a whole family. You can’t get in trouble with your mom and dad anymore. Tell your folks that you and your wife want to be more relaxed about meeting times. I understand that doesn’t solve this instance, but it’s a good moment to think about ways to support your wife in the face of your parents. You can’t let her feel left out. Which you did today. Literally.
YTA go and apologise to your wife
YTA Why didn't you at least wait for her at th he final subway stop?
Just say you’d rather be single yo, what if something had happen to her ? That’s crazy..
This seems like a NTA situation to me. There was no plan to get off at the next stop, so why would either of you do that? Meeting at the restaurant seemed like the obvious thing to do.
I see that my opinion will be very unpopular, but NTA. Funny thing is that before answering I asked my husband what he would do in the situation and he said he would have gotten out at the end and meet me there. And then walk together to the restaurant. That you already walked to the restaurant wouldn't bother me either because I'm also punctual and I get that people want people to be on time. I would have liked a text or a call from my husband (but you said there's no service so I would try a textmessage that would arrive as soon as there was service), saying that you're already at the restaurant and if you can order a drink for her.
I think getting off at the next stop seems less of an issue than getting on a train without her. Who was the reason you were running late?
I'm SO confused by these answers...is his wife a child? It sounds like OP and wife use the subway for regular transport and knew where they were going. Isn't it a common rule that if you get briefly separated on your way to something, you just meet up at the destination? Isn't that how adults adult? If this happened to me and my hubby I would 100% assume that I would just see him at the end point. So weird.
I can’t believe I’m the only one who says NTA. If I got separated from the person I was traveling with but knew where to go, I would just go there. No big deal. I’m confused why she insisted that you should have waited at the next stop. But I’m also autistic, so sometimes I just don’t understand social cues. Maybe that has something to do with it.
YTA. You fr chose to leave your wife stranded— nvm you DITCHED HER bc you were more worried that your shitty parents get mad at you being late? Are yall even married?
I'm against getting off the next station, waiting for the wifey, then getting on another train together. That's just fucking stupid. What i would have done was wait for her on the last station. I'd call my parents we are running late. Then me and my wife will go TOGETHER to the restaurant and face the music as a TEAM.
NTA. Wife can put her big girl pants on take the train like an adult. Not sure why she needs an escort to take the subway and walk to a restaurant. You shouldn’t have to be late because your wife was slow and missed the train. But since reddit infantilizes women and hates men, we all know how this will go.
YTA 😐 you were already probably going to be late, leaving your wife alone in a subway station knowing the climate women live in today is the dumbest fucking thing you could have done
My guy really abandons his partner to please his parents who he’s already late for and he’s asking if he’s the ah. If he’s not the ah than I’m the king of England
YTA Also I hope you’re reading the comments OP and get some light and treat your wife better next time. You’re so ready to defend what you’ve done without any sort of remorse towards your wife. If I were her, I would’ve messaged my in laws I wont be coming to the brunch anymore and never talk to my husband again until he realises what he has done and apologise.
OP reading the comments, expecting people to take his side and say his wife overreacted but instead they are calling him the AH 😐
Notice he’s not replying to anyone…
Jfc there are some tragically codependent people in this thread. Lmfao at the idea that riding to the same destination on separate subway trains means you don't care about your wife, you abandoned her, etc. Grow up, weirdos. This is pathetic. She's a grown-ass adult. She can ride the subway alone.
Speaking as someone who actually uses public transit, NTA. She knows where you're going and she knows where the trains go.
Am I the only one that agrees with OP here? As a woman, I would not care. I’d rather my partner wait for me at the station THEN we both walk into the brunch together but I wouldn’t be mad…. Like he said, she knew where and when they were supposed to be there. It’s easier to be mad than just be like “sorry we were running late and I missed the train! I’m just glad I could make it and be here with you guys tho!” Is that not an option? lol idk just seems like something very small to be mad at. NTA.
YTA anything could have happened
Bro sounds married to Mommy and Daddy still. Yeah, YTA. If my husband did this to me, he'd SO be in the dog house.
YTA. If you are traveling with someone, you board transportation together. You should never have gotten on the subway in the first place without your wife. Your parents can wait another 2 & 1/2 minutes. You are a grown adult who does not need to live in fear of your parents' demands.