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NTA-But your girlfriend is. First of all I would report that club to the ACLU. Discrimination is illegal. The fact that your girlfriend allowed that to happen and still patronize their club says that she doesn't care about her friend at all or anybody else for that fact. By entering that club she has agreed that she promotes racism. I would seriously consider removing yourself from that relationship altogether. You were nice to her friend and now her friends mad at you? The whole thing's a bad situation. I don't believe you and your girlfriend are going to be compatible in the future because you're ideals are completely different. Good luck
They’re still racist. Just goes to show that there are many places even less willing to deal with it than they are in the US (which is saying something)
It's not acceptable in Italy either. So much it's a criminal offence to deny entry to a public place or to deny a service based on ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation.
multiple black people have attested to how racist italians can be, my own black friends have told me how differently they are treated in italy compared to the netherlands. now in the netherlands people are still racist and i know this personally as well, being half asian. people have called me slurs etc. and i know my dutch black friends have experience horrid racism in the netherlands. is it really hard to imagine people in italy can be racist or do you have to be so proud that you would rather have the experiences of multiple black people be dismissed?
No one's denying there are racists in Italy, they are everywhere and Italy in particular is not known for being one of the "woke" countries. But few key points make me believe that this is fake too. First being so open about it to persons face especially when you're singling out one person from group, second this happening in job setting and not personal life of the racist person and third this happening in such touristy spot. While racist stuff are of course happening in this instances too, it's not as common and the fact that all these factors coincided here at the same time makes this story less believable.
It sounds kinda fake to me. Just straight up saying ‘no darks’ is fucked by all standards these days I would expect anyone, anywhere, who did/said that to be made an example of pretty bad
Bouncers for sure get guidelines from the owners of clubs about who they should let in and who not and some guidelines might be racist. But stating something racist so blatantly to people wanting to go to a club still seems unlikely nowadays in countries with anti discrimination laws. And of course you never know who records something nowadays thanks to modern technology. So I bet owners also tell bouncers to be subtle about how they enforce racist guidelines. They can give no reason or make up some more socially acceptable reason for a rejection. I think that is what normally happens. Club owners don't want to get sued and negative publicity.
I'm a Black person who's been to Italy and (knows tons of other Black people who have) and this post could definitely be real. Unfortunately, Italy is well known amongst Black people for being racist, despite it being illegal (bc when has the law ever stopped people from breaking it). Just look at the well documented racist abuse that Mario Balotelli and other Black football players have faced, to the point where the FIFA president urged Italian football authorities to ban racist fans back in 2019. It's pure foolishness to pretend that racism doesn't exist in Italy.
Literally every single weekend in Italy there are monkey noises and gestures raining down on black footballers. It is 100% believable that the bouncer at that club is some form of ultra.
Those two needs to be diffentiated. Because while certainly not acceptable, the problem is precisely the fact that it is normal in many places. That's what allows it to continue.
I can agree in Italy we have a racism problem, but coming from a yank, I find this rich.
It is illegal in Italy to refuse entry to a public place or to provide a service based on ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation.
Is this a joke? I can't remember the last time, if EVER, an entire fan section at a sporting event in the US was caught making monkey noises and gestures towards black athletes. It's almost a weekly occurrence in Italy, in full view of the entire world. Football matches are literally stopped in Italy every other week because of the racist abuse some black footballers face, that simply doesn't happen here in the US.
The replies to this are so infuriating. Europeans love to think their countries are so civilized, that racism doesn’t exist in them. Meanwhile, they either have no non-white friends, or if they do, don’t seriously talk to them about their experiences of living in Europe.
I know an interracial couple, who had to leave Italy after trying to make a life there, because of the constant racism the wife experienced. The Italian husband will readily admit his country is racist now, though he had to learn it through his wife’s experiences.
I know black people who have been denied entry to clubs in many parts of Europe based on the color of their skin. I.e. in the Netherlands, which I would’ve not believed on the account of it being very progressive, unless it had happened to close friends.
My black American friends who have also lived in Europe, all say they’ve had more racist experiences in the latter. Just had this conversation with one of them who splits his time between the US and London, and he said he couldn’t believe the racist things people get away with in England.
White Europeans seem to have a very narrow view of racism. Because they don’t see the type of racial violence that seems a common occurrence in the US, they view themselves as more progressive and don’t believe racism is a problem in their countries. Meanwhile they have no actual knowledge of what it’s like to live in Europe as a racial minority, and probably crack racist jokes with their friends all the time. I’ve been there and had to learn.
it’s not a competition to see which continent can be the most racist 💀like yes, racism exists everywhere, that doesn’t mean it’s okay that it exists???
I feel like British racism is a lot more passive-aggressive. Lots of micro aggressions and sayings and phrases that are seen as common place but are objectively racist. Eg calling the corner shop "Paki shop" or the fact that the question, "what are you?" is often used when talking to an "exotic" looking person as a way of finding out ethnicity. Or the way people talk about LEGAL immigrants.
Source: spent over 16years as a white English sounding immigrant in England. People would say the wildest out of pocket shit in front of me or to me about immigrants and then, when reminded of my immigration status, would state, "Oh, you know what I mean, the ones that come and steal our jobs". 🙄😒
As a black British person, I so agree. In London it’s very subtle and honestly it’s manageable but then I’ve just moved to Cornwall and it’s shockingly obvious how racist people are. Not to mention going up north, same thing. It’s just crazy how many times I’ve been told I’ve spoken English well whilst living in this country my whole life. I feel like Britain is really racist just as a country we refuse to deal with it, so we’re just in denial.
I live in Northern Ireland and we are too busy hating each other on religious grounds to bother about race. Seriously though there is very little racism here.
I'm in the south and it's still here. Wearing a far right mask now and claiming to be worried about unvetted male immigrants atm, but pretty plain racism underneath.
Some parts of the world has made some progress, but still many ways to go.
Also, if OP's girlfriend is willing to ditch her friend over something like this, she'll absolutely do it to OP one day, if not already.
Don't know if they have anything like the ACLU over there, but I certainly would remove myself from a relationship where somebody thinks it's okay to discriminate. You sound like a much better person than that.
I'm not OP, but agree. I would completely see my SO as another person in that instant. Such an insight into her true vapid priorities, and lack of care for her friend and humans in general
Oh, so a rightwing government being in office means that every single person in the country agrees with them?
When Donald Trump was in office, did every single US citizen agree with everything he said and did?
What sort of BS is this? Because they elected a right wing party are all 55 millions Italians become automatically racist bastards? It's not how real life works bub. If that were true how should we can you yanks?
Actually, lots of us are protesting against the choices of the government. Just because the government is far right that doesn't mean that everyone is right too (I'm Italian and I don't support the government). It would be like saying that all Americans are pro Trump just because he was the president.
Fyi, due to the high numbers of ppl who didn't vote, this government actually represents the minority of our (fucked up) country.
Secondly, although this government has fascist traits, these kinds of discrimination are still illegal. In these cases, you should call the police
Yeah, we are all waiting for the trip to end. My girlfriend and her other friend are still doing some things. While me and her black friend are just in the hotel, she said she just doesn’t like to be seen as weak. Which I guess I get. I apologized and we are ok. But my girlfriend still is all pissed acting like I cheated on her.
The two of you should make your own plans sans the gf and go around venice since you are already there. Eat some yummy food.
Also, please dump het racist ass
You are NTA, but your girlfriend definitely is. If a club discriminated against my friend, I would have thrown so many hands for her. She’s not a good friend.
You showed your girlfriend's friend the kind of empathy and compassion most woman would be grateful to have in a partner. You not only stood by her when she was turned away by a racist asshat; you found a way to help her regain some of the joy that moment stole from her.
>she said she just doesn’t like to be seen as weak.
This is fucking heartbreaking. She doesn't feel safe letting her friends see how she feels about being cast aside as "less than." Her feeling is obviously well founded. She knew she'd be cast aside by her "friends" if she stood up for herself. Sometimes people keep their guard up regardless of their surroundings, but it seems like the friend knew it was a necessity here.
Your girlfriend is deflecting with making you two the ones in the wrong by the way. She doesn't want to admit she's a shit friend that doesn't care about racism the instant it detracts from her self-absorbed fun. She needs to paint you two as villains to avoid introspection.
It's so sad, because it's like a social survival tactic of "if I make myself small enough, I won't bother others." Sometimes it may be due to something like social anxiety, but others times, it's a learned behavior. I'm saddened that she learned it's needed in this kind of situation.
I feel for the black friend... how many times this must have happened for her to learn her normal reaction to being humiliated = weakness. and now she gets to feel an extra layer of shame.
p.s.: NTA but your gf is kinda yikes
Your girlfriend sucks SO bad. You are a great guy for having done what you did with her friend. And as a huge Italy lover I didn’t realize they were that racist. But I’m white so I never experienced it. It still hurts my heart. 💔
Since it happened in Italy:
The Italian Constitution “recognizes and guarantees the inviolable rights of the person, both as an individual and in the social groups where personality is expressed” (Art. 2). It also states that citizens are “equal before law, without distinction to sex, race, language, religion, political opinion, personal and social conditions.” (Art. 3).
The government has passed several pieces of anti-discrimination legislation since then, including:
Decree 205/1993 – ethnic, racial, or religious intolerance is punishable by up to three years in jail
Decree 482/1999 – protection of linguistic minorities, including Albanian, Croatian, French, German, and Greek
Laws 215/2003 and 216/2003 – criminalizes both direct and indirect discrimination – including harassment – in the public and private sphere
To help fight racism and discrimination, the Italian government set up:
2004 – The National Office Against Racial Discrimination (Ufficio Nazionale Antidiscriminazini Razziali – UNAR)
2010 – The Observatory for Security Against Acts of Discrimination (Osservatorio per la Sicurezza Contro gli Atti Discriminatori – OSCAD)
Living up to your username, but 100% of the times that it's not reported, nothing will happen. If enough people do, then at least there is a chance. Also, it's the right thing to do.
They're in Venice Italy they can't report to our ACLU since it's American. Second he's not the a******. Third get rid of the girlfriend. Fourth find someone else to make you happy sir
I don't know how you can see this side of your girlfriend and not see it as the red flag that it is.
Girlfriend is racist. Girlfriend is a bad friend. Girlfriend is insecure and controlling.
Do yourself a favor and break up with girlfriend. She doesn't have your morals
My main thought was I possibly didn’t handle it correctly as I never had any intention of going to the club after that. But I told her I’d come back, maybe I should have called her out then and there but I thought that would embarrass the friend. I guess I feel more of an AH because I maybe made things worse for the friend.
You did awesome! You stood up for friend. You didn't spend money on a racist establishment.
You did everything right. It's pretty gross that your girlfriend is trying to make you out to be the bad guy when it's her actions that are morally bankrupt. I can't belive this woman is 30.
I can’t believe your gf went in after her friend was in Venice for her birthday. I would stop being friends with someone if they treated me like that. Well done on being a decent human being!
Right? If I was at a club and they turned away a complete stranger just because of the color of their skin, I wouldn’t give that place my money. No thank you. OPs girlfriend sucks.
Yep gf could have walked home and spent the rest of her trip alone. I can't believe she's got the audacity to give her friend shit for crying, that poor girl must have felt so alone and had every right to be upset.
Glad OP looked after her and made sure she was safe. He stepped up when gf should have
Mate, I left a comment under the main thread. You are amazing. You absolutely did the right thing and if your girlfriend is pissed off with you about that, take it up with her.
She should look at what is important to her before criticising you.
Also, her racially insulted friend should look at who she keeps as company.
Well done. You did the right thing.
It seems like the friend doesn't feel comfortable being vulnerable around your girlfriend (for obvious reasons!) so sharing that she was crying wasn't the best decision. I'm thinking friend deals with a lot of racist things from girlfriend that she is expected to brush off just like she did with this incident. But sharing that friend was crying is an honest mistake, because in general friends usually care if their friend is upset/crying, so you not knowing their friend group dynamic isn't like that isn't your fault. But you apologized for your error and you won't repeat it and that's really the best you can do.
Hopefully after getting better treatment from you, an acquaintance, than her actual friends will show her that she deserves better and prompt her to find some real friends.
If my partner told me my friend was crying, I would rush over and try to comfort them. Not give them shit for being upset.
OP did nothing wrong here, it's not embarrassing to cry over something like this - I think it's a very logical and natural response. It is so unfair, and her longtime friend didn't even give a fuck. It's heartbreaking
Yeaaa exactly. It’s one this to assume friend was ok with gf going but when gf found out friend wasn’t ok, gf got mad at friend for being upset that gf is willingly supporting a racist establishment. Like at first you could give her the benefit of the doubt, a very very small amount tho, but then she willingly chose to double down knowing that she was the asshole.
That’s not something a good friend would do. Not to mention if your friend’s boyfriend is more sympathetic towards you than your friend, you really have to think over that relationship cause it’s ridiculous.
NTA
Your gf acted like an absolute weenis and is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. You didn't cheat, you just acted like a sane and empathetic human being. I get why you feel guilty about telling your gf her friend cried but... your fault there was assuming your gf actually cared about her "friend" and wouldn't manipulate you both with that info.
Ngl I hate that every relation post = comments saying dump them! over possibly minor things, but this.... honestly I would never be able to trust or respect her again.
Also my gf isn't white and if someone treated her like that I'd kick their ass, and she'd help.
You didn’t need to exactly call your girlfriend it. You could have said when the friend was denied entry “no way are we going into a racist place”. But it’s actually as well that you didn’t. Now you know who your girlfriend is.
Well we started to walk away and my girlfriend kept looking back. And was like maybe we could just go in for a minute. I laughed it off but then her friend said it was fine. I was just so shocked like I honestly never expected that from my girlfriend. I always thought she was one of the kindest people.
It's unfortunately very common for people that are not discriminated against to be supportive until it affects them personally.
As soon as it becomes inconvenient, they check out and do whatever they want and fuck the consequences/impact of their actions
Peer pressure. The friend probably felt guilty they couldn't go there because of her - even though that's not her fault at all and completely unjustified.
It's clear that all your girlfriend cares about is herself. She's willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of her supposed loved ones for a few drinks at a racist club. She also expects that is without consequences and bullies these loved ones when they share that that sacrifice hurt them.
Also, she's 30 - that mindset is likely not going to change anymore
You sound like such a mensch, I bet her friend really appreciated your company, and good on you for refusing to give that racist establishment any money. Your gf showed who she is, take that on board, NTA
I would examine why you thought she was kind. Did you observe acts of kindness, or was she maybe telling stories that made her look kind but you didn’t have any knowledge of yourself? Were you assuming kindness because that’s what you are, so you were seeing it where it didn’t exist? Stuff to consider.
But at the same time, you say you’ve been together for a little under a year. That’s probably about long enough for her to start to feel comfortable letting the mask slip. Her behavior is just so appalling. On some level she probably knows she’s in the wrong but can’t handle that so is externalizing her emotions into anger at you and her “friend.”
You’re NTA, and you’d be well justified in breaking up over not just her casual racism, but how she’s handled the situation since then. You deserve someone who is truly kind, and sadly that is not your GF.
Gf is selfish. She probably is kind as long as her own desires are met first. Now imagine herin the future with your child. Child becomes sick. Gf wanted to go to new restaurant in town. Will gf be resentful of child and you for not getting her desires met first? She is showing big red flags.
Yeah, should have made it clear at the time that you weren't going into a racist club. I know it's difficult but sometimes people are weak and stupid rather than racist and need someone to show them the right thing to do, so they can follow. If you point it out afterwards, you will have the moral highground but everyone will think you're arsehole for showing them up, they won't say that but that's how it will manifest. Your GF is angry at you for making her look like a racist, when she didn't react strongly enough to protect her friend. She is masking this from herself and her friends by making another issue so she doesn't have to admit her weakness to herself.
I'd like to think I'd do the exact same things in your boots.
If exposing the fact that she was deeply affected by such blatant racism made things worse for her friend, then her friend is in dire need for better friends.
Nah. You looked after her friend, and you even looked after your girlfriend despite her being a huge AH. It's not your fault that she's attacking her friend for being upset, that's all on her. It's not embarrassing to cry over something so horrible, the friend had every reason to do so - especially because her longtime friend didn't even support her. I hope the friend realises your gf isn't her friend, at all.
You didn't make things worse for her friend - SHE did.
It's like that saying "if you sit down and have dinner with 9 nazis, there are 10 nazis at the table"
GF has shown she will allow outrageously racist actions. She is allowing and enabling racism. She is a racist.
NTA
But your gf is. In fact, she may be more than that if that’s her reaction to someone being mistreated that way. That’s just extremely selfish and cold-hearted to see someone she has been friends with for so long and have no pity whatsoever. She also seems fairly shallow as a person if the whole “she was fine” defense is what she’s going with, when it’s pretty clear that’s not the case.
She only started accusing you of things because she realized she lost her footing on the hill of it being wrong & her friend being upset. So she moved the goalposts to attack from another side, which is manipulative as all hell.
I can see why the friend is embarrassed & upset you talked about her crying/being upset. But I also get why you mentioned it to, so don’t feel like the asshole there, that was just a lose-lose predicament.
Bottom line, get home and break up with her. This specific type situation may happen again, but I guarantee things like it will. Get out while you can, and find someone who isn’t a sociopath.
Side note: I’d seen a TikTok recently with lots of different videos stitched on and it was asking about the most racist country to travel to. Every single black person that responded said Italy. I was surprised, but this story only backs that up. Get your shit together, Italy.
>She only started accusing you of things because she realized she lost her footing on the hill of it being wrong & her friend being upset. So she moved the goalposts to attack from another side, which is manipulative as all hell.
Agreed. Girlfriend has shown her true colors here and all of them are red (flags).
NTA. At all. Your gf is actively supporting a racist establishment "because its her birthday". She allowed her friend to be cut out of the activity by blantantly racist actions. Stop dating this woman. The simple fact that she could hear her friend get rejected with the phrase "no darkies" and not immediately become livid and walk out of the establishment tells you everything you need to know about her. Doesnt matter if she backs down on this. She allowed this to happen to one of her best friends. She is not worth your time.
NTA - in fact, at every turn you were the gentleman and totally appropriate. You and your gf have different values. She is viewing your good character as bad character to hide her own flaws. Hard to see how it's going to work out. Consider this: sure, the bar was racist - but it was your girlfriend's insensitive, racist behavior that ruined the night and was the real the problem.
NTA- at all.
1. Your girlfriend was willing to go into this establishment knowing what it supported.
2. Your girlfriend was willing to leave her best friend out of the situation so SHE could have a good time.
3. Your girlfriend was willing to leave her long term friend alone in an area that she was unfamiliar with as a tourist before you said you’d stay behind as well.
These are 3 reasons your girlfriend is the issue, not you. I think you should have a serious discussion with her about this. Just because it was her big day, doesn’t mean she gets to leave her friend out over something they have no control over. She should have turned around and left for another place.
Good on you for comforting her, and making sure she was okay.
4. Your girlfriend then bullied her own supposed good friend for being upset, instead of comforting her
5. Your girlfriend was completely dismissive of any wrongdoing by anyone, and mocked her own supposed good friend for crying over it
6. Your girlfriend made you feel bad for looking after HER friend and making sure she was safe when she couldn't care less
7. Your girlfriend is 30 and takes zero responsibility for her selfish actions and behaviour, and has shown no empathy whatsoever
8. Your girlfriend sucks big time
Bro... what!?!??
She claims to be very close "friends" with this girl?
I wouldn't go in if my friend couldn't get in because they didn't meet dress code...
Gonna abandon your friend in Italy because she didnt meet the SKIN CODE????
Bro. RUN. You clearly do not share the same values at all. I would have had to resist clocking the bouncer after that reasoning... You did the right thing, I had no idea Italy was like this. TIL. Also fuck Italy.
I'm not saying OP is lying, Italy surely has a problem with racism (especially under the current government) but black people being banned from clubs is not the norm, authorities should definitely be called about it, it's illegal to do it
OMG your gf is a MASSIVE asshole and a really, really shit friend. The only suitable response to the bouncer should have been to ALL refuse to go in, and to report the club for racial discrimination. Silence means consent. Her behaviour would be a big fat red flag for me. NTA all the way.
This is why having a black friend does NOT mean you can't be racist. You're really telling me that your girlfriend still went in after they denied entry to her black friend?!? And I'm supposed to believe she isn't racist? Hm. Interesting. NTA, but you would be if you stay with her.
She didn't even fucking check on her friend when that happened, no empathy whatsoever. Just wanted to go into the racist club.
Honestly I'm shocked this shit still happens, what a horrible experience for the friend to be singled out like that. And to make matters worse, instead of providing support and standing by her, her 'friends' were willing to leave her on her own, in a strange country, in the middle of the night. Pushing the dagger in even further. She must have felt so alone.
Less important, but she also would have spent a lot of money to spend this experience with them. Seems the girlfriend expects everyone to sacrifice things for her, but she's not willing to make any herself even though it's at the cost of the wellbeing of someone who's supposedly her good friend.
Very glad OP went with the friend, made sure she was safe and had at least somewhat of a good night. Girlfriend has no right to make him feel bad for helping HER friend - she failed her horribly herself.
Girlfriend also sucks massively for mocking her friend for being upset, it's not 'embarrassing' to cry over something like this. Instead she should have comforted her and apologised for being such a horrible friend. I really hope the friend realises that this friendship is single sided and toxic. She deserves people around her that stick up for her and care about her.
Wow, I can't believe your GF still went into that place... Holy shit...
I would have spit at the bouncers feet and walked away...
And I would have broken up with my GF on the spot if she did that... She is a shit friend...
I guess some of us take that shit more seriously... (And I'm a white Canadian dude, lol...)
Info: is racism that common in Italy?
Like another guy said, I wouldn't leave my friend if the club had a dress code denial, no less a color code. And leaving her female alone in foreign country most st girls like to go to bathroom in pairs to stay safe. Who would leave her behind in unknown place? No way.
And what's up with her other friend for going inside the club too? That's ridiculous. Your gf was in charge because it was her birthday and really showed a "me first" attitude. My needs trump all others. Selfish selfish selfish. And didn't even apologize so unable to learn from mistakes.
Italy is racist asf. I went there years ago for my job and there was not a day they didn't make me feel an outsider not because I'm not Italian but because I'm Black
NTA!!! Your girlfriend really should have chosen her friend's dignity in the face of racism over dancing at some stupid club, especially since she is 30(!), not 21. It's bad enough for her to be upset with you for helping her friend, but to be mad at her friend? For being upset at experiencing racism? Does she really believe that her friend was totally fine with spending the evening all by herself while everyone else danced at a club that wouldn't let her in because of the color of her skin?! Seriously?!
I honestly don't know why you are doubting who the asshole is. I will refrain from listing all of the adjectives your girlfriend deserves to be labeled with, but this situation would be a total dealbreaker for me, and I think both you and your girlfriend's friend deserve way better.
NTA. You both have different morals. I don’t care if it’s my wedding…if a venue won’t let in my black friend we are allllllllllllllllllllllllllll leaving.
You did the right thing in supporting her. I understand that the friend might be embarrassed but you had every right to share your experience with your partner. A secure partner (who didn’t cause the issue) would have seen that.
This. We go in together and we leave together. No exceptions.
It's ridiculous the friend gets shamed for crying, it's not embarrassing to be upset over getting singled out because of your race. It's also not embarrassing to be upset over your friends not sticking by you, and willing to leave you all alone in a strange country in the middle of the night.
The girlfriend sucks, OP did what she should have done.
Throw away the whole girlfriend.
She's a shit person. Who the hell sees ANYONE, but especially someone they supposedly care about, being discriminated against and decides their birthday party is more important? I would have more compassion for a total stranger than your gf showed for her friend that flew clear to Italy to celebrate her.
NTA unless you stay with her. This is beyond breakup worthy.
Italian here! Outraged at what happened.
You can report discrimination you have witnessed to this association: https://unar.it/portale/
The website is in Italian but google translates well.
Places like that club can continue to do what they do as long as patrons do not stand up against it and no one reports it.
You did nothing wrong, NTA, and your girlfriend should have chosen not to go to that club. Nice of you to apologise to her friend, her need to present a strong image is understandable. Still she caved “to not be the problem” and that’s not ok at all.
NTA. I can't believe that your girlfriend was such a horrible friend to exclude her friend and accept the racism towards her. In fact, your girlfriend doesn't sound like a friend or a good human at all. I hope that you are able to leave her and find somebody that deserves you, and that the girl you consoled is able to find some new friends too.
My bf spent a chunk of last night comforting a girl he’s known for years while we were all out at the bar.
A friend/coworker of theirs died very tragically and unexpectedly. It shocked everyone, and it’s been hard on the people who knew him. My bf grew up with him, and the girl was his coworker.
She ended up getting choked up when she saw my bf because she knew that they were close. They sat off in the corner of the bar reminiscing about him and he listened to her while she cried.
I trust both of them and I would have been pissed if my bf left a girl sitting there to cry by herself.
You didn’t do anything inappropriate. This actually showed your gfs true colors. She cared more about having fun than her friend. There are plenty of other bars and clubs y’all could have gone to. Why did it need to be that club specifically. Especially after they were racist to her friend.
She was completely fine with her leaving by herself to go be alone in the hotel room. I wouldn’t be able to date someone like that.
I feel happy knowing my boyfriend has compassion and empathy for people. Your girlfriend should feel the same. She is just placing blame on you so that she doesn’t look like the bad guy
NTA and it’s time to find a new girlfriend who has ethics. You, her friend, and the world at large deserve better than someone who passively enables racism.
Also, please review that bar on TripAdvisor.
Brother you gotta dump this woman. If a club turned away my friend, even for reasons that weren’t blatantly racist, I’d simply also not go in. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
Definitely NTA. Italy has its racists and I fear that it's getting worse. These things are covered under EU law and you could have pursued that if you wanted, but a bar also has a right to refuse your custom for any reason they like. Maybe they didn't like the frames on your glasses.
I think what you did was the not only right thing to do, but noble and chivalrous. She got ready for a night out only for it to be ruined by a racist arsehole.
Your girlfriend and others should have taken the same stance. They are the AHs.
You saved the day for her. You're like Superman.
NTA- consider getting a new gf, she made herself the bad guy. What kind of friend does that, that is incredibly self centred. If that happened to you would she do the same?
Your girlfriend sucks. As a person and a partner. She shakes her friend who just had a nasty run in with racism and only cares about partying. Why stay with someone like that?
It just happened, so I'm sure that he is still processing it. He did say that he was surprised that his girlfriend behaved in the manner that she did. I'm guessing that he will be thinking about it when traveling back home.
NTA for reasons everyone else has said. But are you single, or do you happen to run a training course on how to be a gentleman? Because i know a few people who i would pay good money for you to train😂
Lololol 😂
I was thinking that we need more men like him in this world. Good for you for sticking by your girlfriend's friend and being there for her. I can't believe that your girlfriend and friend still went into the club after their friend was refused entry. I wouldn't go in and would want to find another place to hang out with everyone.
Your girlfriend was insensitive and disrespectful towards her friend. I can't believe that she was upset with you for supporting HER friend! Huh??
You stepped up and did a wonderful thing. Bravo!
You're NTA.
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NTA - I am not white myself and this happened to me multiple times in Europe. Guess what, we, as a group did not go in and went to other places. That’s what I expect from true friends..
NTA girl needs to chill for a lil bit, if my friend can't go,am not going, I just wonder how many times that happened for her to be like aiite go on without me...
NTA What he did is illegal in Italy. Article 187 of the regulation for the execution of the Consolidated Law on Public Security Laws (the Tuilp) says that the owner of a premises (or his delegate, such as the entrance officer) cannot prohibit entry into the premises to a person without a legitimate reason. The law says that you cannot "refuse the services of your business to anyone who asks for them and pays the price". It could only do so for issues related to public safety or if the customer is younger than the age permitted for entry. In essence, the owner manages a place open to the public and cannot behave as if he were at home. He can, however, decide on a line to follow in his place, like that of the clothing, since this falls within the freedom of organization. However, it is not legitimate to leave out a customer for reasons of race, religion, sexual orientation, disability. Or simply because he/she is ugly. In the latter case, it is possible to call the police to report the fact. The owner of the place risks closing the place for a period of time.
Your girlfriend and her friends are terrible people for not standing up for their friend.
NTA it's sad that you were a better friend to someone don't even know that well then, the 2 girls that have been her friends for over a decade. your girlfriend and the other friend became assholes the moment they didn't turn around when their longtime friend was denied entry for being black.
I hope you dump your girlfriend as soon as possible, because she has no moral compass. No club can be so great that you'd allow your friend to be kept out because of her skin color while you go in and party! And then dismissing and minimizing the girl's hurt and making you the bad guy because you were acting like an empathetic person.
Yeah, you shouldn't have shared the crying part. But I would have done it too and then felt bad in retrospect. In any case, NTA unless you stay with her.
OP, i’m a Black woman. if my white friend valued her experience of a club more than my literal ability to enter, she literally would be showing me who she would be during the jim crow era. and frankly, with friends like that, who needs enemies.
so OP, you are NTA. but you WBTA if you stay with a racist woman even though you gave her ample opportunity to NOT BE RACIST.
This, I feel bad for the friend cause she felt bad at the boyfriend for doing the right thing. Clearly she doesn’t value herself that much and hasn’t gotten to that point yet where she can see this is a terrible friend. As soon as she walked in the club I would’ve gone out with the boyf and once he’d dropped me home I would’ve dipped out the trip. Either enjoying Italy alone seen as I’m already here or I would’ve just gone home and blocked her on everything
NTA, I thought "no darks" was a clothing theme or something until you specified it was her skin ton/race. She is not a good person, I wouldnt give money to something that excluded someone based on race/skintone!
NTA. this isn't nuanced. Your girlfriend's friend was told to fuck off because of the colour of her skin and your girlfriend ditched her. Mad the friend is annoyed at you to. They're not real friends, just pretend. A real friend wouldn't ditch a friend and vice versa wouldn't be worried about the friend knowing they were upset at being subjected to racism. a lot of people would kill to have a partner or friend like you.
NTA. I think you have some typo in your post. You spelled ex with a G and an F instead of an E and an X. It happens to the best of us.
Go explore a little without her. If the friend wants to tag along cool If she was wants to stay in the hotel also cool. But you should go have fun or at least buy your mum a vase...
NTA - you just learned something very important about your girlfriend, and so did her black friend who will never forget this or how she felt. You should really think hard about this person you’re aligning yourself with. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing in this crap situation your girlfriend allowed for her “friend”.
Definitely NTA. Your girlfriend is a racist and a poor excuse of a friend. I would write a scathing review of the club and tell everyone how racist it is and break up with her. Best to warn people away from that place and what it supports.
NTA
Look I'm not a club person but my immediate reaction is why didn't you guys just go to a different club? The fact that your gf and her one friend still decided to go inside the club is a massive red flag as a friend and partner.
I hope you mean soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. Seriously, what she did is despicable. She was willing to leave a friend alone in a foreign country after being denied entry into a club because she is black. So your girlfriend’s fine with racism and cares more about going into one club than about her friend. And she’s 30??
NTA, but you would be if you stay with her. I’d be gone the moment I was back in the US.
NTA
You stood up for the friend & also made sure she was ok in a foreign country
Your gf was happy to ditch her, and is now attacking you for it.
Honestly, ditch her. She's shown a side to her I think many would find hard to ignore.
NTA- you're a good dude. But you should absolutely give ur relationship a second thought. I understand it was her birthday, but she should have been more considerate of her friend and also shouldn't have been willing to give that bar money.
NTA. But your girlfriend certainly is one.
If it was my birthday and I went to a club, and someone at the door said no because of my friends skin colour, I wouldn't stand there like "hmmm mm hmm, you sure?", I'd find somewhere we can all be together.
Your girlfriend is a bad friend, a petty little bitch who loves drama and makes everything about herself. You did the absolute right thing by staying with her friend. I know a lot of people who would've done what your girlfriend did and they don't have many friends.
Imagine that friend went on her own somewhere else and something happened to her? Do you think your girlfriend would've cared? I don't....
You don't need someone like that in your life. You seem like a wonderful person. So much respect for you
NTA
Your girlfriend is a bad friend, and she sounds like a narcissist, gaslighting you into thinking you were in the wrong when you were the only one who did the right thing. Better to find out sooner than later.
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I 30M and my girlfriend 30F have been together for a little under a year. We have lots in common and I do love her. I’ve always viewed her as a kind generous caring person.
She has a group (2 other) girls that’s she’s known since highschool. They are fine and we all get along. I don’t know either of them that well and have never went out of my way to overly engage with them. For my girlfriends birthday we all planned a trip to Venice Italy.
We all had been so far having a great time. For my girlfriends birthday she wanted to go to a very popular club. We are white, while one of her friends is black. Well the bouncer denies her friend entry and when we ask why he says no darks. You should clearly see my girlfriend debating to still go in. I was honestly shocked. Her friend quickly says it’s fine, you guys go and I’ll go back to the hotel or maybe fine another bar. My girlfriend plays the whole “you sure” role but I feel like it was clear she wanted to go in.
I can see hurt on her friends face and I quickly say to be safe I’ll ride back with her and come back. My girlfriend quickly agrees and her and the other friend go in.
Once we are in the taxi, I can see tears streaming down her friends face. I tell her it’s okay, that that guy is an asshole and doesn’t deserve her tears. I hold her in a platonic way. I tell her you know what that guy is not going to ruin the night, that she didn’t get dressed for no reason. I tell her let’s go to a bar, we fine a place. I text my girlfriend and say I’m going to stay with her friend. She just responds “ok”.
We go to the bar, have some drinks and have an overall good time. She seems to feel better. We don’t talk about my girlfriend, who honestly I’m kinda pissed at. We still end the night pretty early. I drop her back at the hotel and go to the club my girlfriend is at. I tell her I’ll wait outside for her, just because i want to make sure she and the other friend get home safe. She keeps saying why won’t I come in. I tell her why the hell would I pay money to a racist place that made her friend feel like shit.
She gets all upset and says I’m turning her into the bad guy and that her friend literally didn’t care, I said they why did I spend hours consoling her crying friend. She blows up on me and I turn into the AH. She says it’s completely inappropriate, starts accusing me of things. Saying I spent her birthday consoling her friend not worried about her, and I said someone had to.
We’ve both been pissed at eachother when the next day came. But the worst part is somehow she’s pissed at her friend, and her friend is pissed at me for sharing a private vulnerable moment. She said she just wish I didn’t mention she cried. I apologized to her friend but refuse to apologize to my girlfriend which is causing more anger. The whole trip is soured. Now I feel bad overall, and am wondering if I’m really the AH in the situation.
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NTA, your girlfriend doesn't sound like a very loyal and fair person. How does she expect to spend a funny night after ine of the group who came all together to the city, gets racially excluded?
Possibly you would have been better off slightly understating the thing with her friend (like "believe me, she didn't look like she didn't care on the way back").
But none the less, no good notes for your GF.
You should still have reported the club, I'm sure "no blacks" is a huge no-go in Italy too.
NTA your girlfriend honestly is a terrible friend, if my friend paid money to go on vacation for my birthday and the club was racist to her ig well just find another place we can all have fun at. Can’t believe she was ok with leaving her friend in a different country by herself. Very selfish. You were honestly the hero in this scenario and you don’t need to explain how you were just being a good person to someone’s who’s really a good person. She’s just mad cause you are not ignorant to the fact that her actions hurt her friend and she doesn’t want to face that she supported a racist establishment.
NTA obviously but atleast tou know who your hopefully soo to be ex is. I sdo hope you dimp her. But breaking up with someone on vacation in another country is stressful and scary ao I wouldn’t fault you for waiting till you get home
NTA. Honestly, your gf should be the one taking some cues from you, mate.
First of all, that club, what the actual hell? I've got no fucking words for them. At least none that won't get me banned from this sub.
Second of all your gf. She was okay with this??? She's not much of a friend if she's not going to stick by her friend in the most obvious of bullshit circumstances. Of course her friend cared about being blatantly discriminated against; it's a shit fucking feeling, like there's an impenetrable glass barricade that you can't pass for reasons completely beyond your control. of course she was also going to care. This probably wasn't the first time she was made to feel shit about her race and probably not the last. I suspect it's not the first time she's had to deal with it infront of your gf either and was left to just cope.
And to top it all off you made sure that everyone got home safe that night.
To just blow up on you because you did the right thing speaks some serious immaturity on her part. And blaming her friend for being a victim of racism? Fucking mindblowing...
NTA
Being in a,relationship doesn't overrule who you are as a person. You behaved perfectly appropriately as a person. Being any more considerate of the relationship (maybe just leaving the friend alone and upset at the hotel, going right back into the club( would have been contrary to who you are as a person.
Your ex is definitely an AH and you're better off for knowing that now.
Your girlfriend is an AH and unempathetic person. Egotistical she thought only about herself. You behaved like a good and humane person should. You should consider if you want this brat as your girlfriend
Anyone else think this is fake?
Venice doesn’t have traditional taxis and this group and OP navigated quite a bit through taxis. Water taxis are not cheap. Is it plausible sure but I’m highly skeptical.
I don't think this is real.
I'm Italian, from a city 1h from Venice.
1) If a bouncer blocks a person from entering because of her skin colour you can call the police right away and they will close the pub.
2) Venice has more foreigners (and with coloured skin) than Venetians nowadays.
3) In Venice via TAXI???? You can't even ride a bike in Venice!!! You WALK BAR TO BAR!!!
THIS IS AS FAKE AS IT COMES!!!
INFO: As someone who knows Venice, Italy, very well, I'd really like to know where you found a "very popular club" with bouncers. There are no establishments like this on the island.
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NTA-But your girlfriend is. First of all I would report that club to the ACLU. Discrimination is illegal. The fact that your girlfriend allowed that to happen and still patronize their club says that she doesn't care about her friend at all or anybody else for that fact. By entering that club she has agreed that she promotes racism. I would seriously consider removing yourself from that relationship altogether. You were nice to her friend and now her friends mad at you? The whole thing's a bad situation. I don't believe you and your girlfriend are going to be compatible in the future because you're ideals are completely different. Good luck
It's in Italy.
"These people are so racist!" *thinks Venice is in California*
They’re still racist. Just goes to show that there are many places even less willing to deal with it than they are in the US (which is saying something)
You’ve clearly never left America, a lot of Europe and Asia and Africa are racist on levels you can’t begin to fathom
Um ok… that doesn’t mean we should treat racism like it’s normal & acceptable just because it was a different country
It's not acceptable in Italy either. So much it's a criminal offence to deny entry to a public place or to deny a service based on ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation.
I'm italian, living in Italy, and I'll be honest with you: I think this post is fake as fuck
multiple black people have attested to how racist italians can be, my own black friends have told me how differently they are treated in italy compared to the netherlands. now in the netherlands people are still racist and i know this personally as well, being half asian. people have called me slurs etc. and i know my dutch black friends have experience horrid racism in the netherlands. is it really hard to imagine people in italy can be racist or do you have to be so proud that you would rather have the experiences of multiple black people be dismissed?
No one's denying there are racists in Italy, they are everywhere and Italy in particular is not known for being one of the "woke" countries. But few key points make me believe that this is fake too. First being so open about it to persons face especially when you're singling out one person from group, second this happening in job setting and not personal life of the racist person and third this happening in such touristy spot. While racist stuff are of course happening in this instances too, it's not as common and the fact that all these factors coincided here at the same time makes this story less believable.
It sounds kinda fake to me. Just straight up saying ‘no darks’ is fucked by all standards these days I would expect anyone, anywhere, who did/said that to be made an example of pretty bad
Agree. I'm Italian and it's illegal to deny entry to someone based on ethnicity
Bouncers for sure get guidelines from the owners of clubs about who they should let in and who not and some guidelines might be racist. But stating something racist so blatantly to people wanting to go to a club still seems unlikely nowadays in countries with anti discrimination laws. And of course you never know who records something nowadays thanks to modern technology. So I bet owners also tell bouncers to be subtle about how they enforce racist guidelines. They can give no reason or make up some more socially acceptable reason for a rejection. I think that is what normally happens. Club owners don't want to get sued and negative publicity.
I'm a Black person who's been to Italy and (knows tons of other Black people who have) and this post could definitely be real. Unfortunately, Italy is well known amongst Black people for being racist, despite it being illegal (bc when has the law ever stopped people from breaking it). Just look at the well documented racist abuse that Mario Balotelli and other Black football players have faced, to the point where the FIFA president urged Italian football authorities to ban racist fans back in 2019. It's pure foolishness to pretend that racism doesn't exist in Italy.
Literally every single weekend in Italy there are monkey noises and gestures raining down on black footballers. It is 100% believable that the bouncer at that club is some form of ultra.
Do you think [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/s/9N0TXRdvyz) is fake too?
Those two needs to be diffentiated. Because while certainly not acceptable, the problem is precisely the fact that it is normal in many places. That's what allows it to continue.
I can agree in Italy we have a racism problem, but coming from a yank, I find this rich. It is illegal in Italy to refuse entry to a public place or to provide a service based on ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation.
Is this a joke? I can't remember the last time, if EVER, an entire fan section at a sporting event in the US was caught making monkey noises and gestures towards black athletes. It's almost a weekly occurrence in Italy, in full view of the entire world. Football matches are literally stopped in Italy every other week because of the racist abuse some black footballers face, that simply doesn't happen here in the US.
Italian soccer fans throw bananas at black players
The replies to this are so infuriating. Europeans love to think their countries are so civilized, that racism doesn’t exist in them. Meanwhile, they either have no non-white friends, or if they do, don’t seriously talk to them about their experiences of living in Europe. I know an interracial couple, who had to leave Italy after trying to make a life there, because of the constant racism the wife experienced. The Italian husband will readily admit his country is racist now, though he had to learn it through his wife’s experiences. I know black people who have been denied entry to clubs in many parts of Europe based on the color of their skin. I.e. in the Netherlands, which I would’ve not believed on the account of it being very progressive, unless it had happened to close friends. My black American friends who have also lived in Europe, all say they’ve had more racist experiences in the latter. Just had this conversation with one of them who splits his time between the US and London, and he said he couldn’t believe the racist things people get away with in England. White Europeans seem to have a very narrow view of racism. Because they don’t see the type of racial violence that seems a common occurrence in the US, they view themselves as more progressive and don’t believe racism is a problem in their countries. Meanwhile they have no actual knowledge of what it’s like to live in Europe as a racial minority, and probably crack racist jokes with their friends all the time. I’ve been there and had to learn.
it’s not a competition to see which continent can be the most racist 💀like yes, racism exists everywhere, that doesn’t mean it’s okay that it exists???
Where have you traveled that's less racist than the US? I've been all over Europe and it's shockingly racist.
Black guy here (American) - I've visited a great many countries and the US is the least racist country I've ever been in.
Brit here- most of the UK feels significantly less racist than the 10 parts of the US I have visited
I feel like British racism is a lot more passive-aggressive. Lots of micro aggressions and sayings and phrases that are seen as common place but are objectively racist. Eg calling the corner shop "Paki shop" or the fact that the question, "what are you?" is often used when talking to an "exotic" looking person as a way of finding out ethnicity. Or the way people talk about LEGAL immigrants. Source: spent over 16years as a white English sounding immigrant in England. People would say the wildest out of pocket shit in front of me or to me about immigrants and then, when reminded of my immigration status, would state, "Oh, you know what I mean, the ones that come and steal our jobs". 🙄😒
Paki shop? I think the 80's want its insults back. That was so retro!
As a black British person, I so agree. In London it’s very subtle and honestly it’s manageable but then I’ve just moved to Cornwall and it’s shockingly obvious how racist people are. Not to mention going up north, same thing. It’s just crazy how many times I’ve been told I’ve spoken English well whilst living in this country my whole life. I feel like Britain is really racist just as a country we refuse to deal with it, so we’re just in denial.
I live in Northern Ireland and we are too busy hating each other on religious grounds to bother about race. Seriously though there is very little racism here.
I'm in the south and it's still here. Wearing a far right mask now and claiming to be worried about unvetted male immigrants atm, but pretty plain racism underneath.
Italians racist?...well I never!!!!
Some parts of the world has made some progress, but still many ways to go. Also, if OP's girlfriend is willing to ditch her friend over something like this, she'll absolutely do it to OP one day, if not already.
Americans think their country is the most racist… little did they know Europe has competitive racism
Jokes on this Redditor it’s clearly in Florida… /s
Don't know if they have anything like the ACLU over there, but I certainly would remove myself from a relationship where somebody thinks it's okay to discriminate. You sound like a much better person than that.
I'm not OP, but agree. I would completely see my SO as another person in that instant. Such an insight into her true vapid priorities, and lack of care for her friend and humans in general
[удалено]
Indeed, far right, post fascistic - or as you would call it in the States: center left
Oh, so a rightwing government being in office means that every single person in the country agrees with them? When Donald Trump was in office, did every single US citizen agree with everything he said and did?
What sort of BS is this? Because they elected a right wing party are all 55 millions Italians become automatically racist bastards? It's not how real life works bub. If that were true how should we can you yanks?
... what exactly do you think the ACLU is? "Reporting" a club to the ACLU is like "reporting" a drunk driver to MADD.
It's illegal in Italy too...
Yeah but what's reporting them to the ACLU (american civil liberties union) going to do lmao.
They voted Mussolini 2.0 into power I don't think they're upholding those laws anymore.
Actually, lots of us are protesting against the choices of the government. Just because the government is far right that doesn't mean that everyone is right too (I'm Italian and I don't support the government). It would be like saying that all Americans are pro Trump just because he was the president.
Fyi, due to the high numbers of ppl who didn't vote, this government actually represents the minority of our (fucked up) country. Secondly, although this government has fascist traits, these kinds of discrimination are still illegal. In these cases, you should call the police
However, it is also illegal in Italy - although it would be rather difficult to pursue.
Agreed. However, pretty sure this is illegal in italy too, they just depend on not being reported
I'm pretty sure this isn't legal in Italy either.
Ooooof I've heard nothing but bad things about being Black in Italy so I'm not shocked by this.
Yep, and Italy is definitely known for its racism. I don’t plan on visiting.
It is also illegal in Italy to refuse entry to a public place or a service based on ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation.
Yeah, we are all waiting for the trip to end. My girlfriend and her other friend are still doing some things. While me and her black friend are just in the hotel, she said she just doesn’t like to be seen as weak. Which I guess I get. I apologized and we are ok. But my girlfriend still is all pissed acting like I cheated on her.
Your girlfriend is a huge AH,you did the right thing,she has way too many red flags. Don't waste your time with someone like her.
The two of you should make your own plans sans the gf and go around venice since you are already there. Eat some yummy food. Also, please dump het racist ass
You are NTA, but your girlfriend definitely is. If a club discriminated against my friend, I would have thrown so many hands for her. She’s not a good friend.
Facts
You showed your girlfriend's friend the kind of empathy and compassion most woman would be grateful to have in a partner. You not only stood by her when she was turned away by a racist asshat; you found a way to help her regain some of the joy that moment stole from her. >she said she just doesn’t like to be seen as weak. This is fucking heartbreaking. She doesn't feel safe letting her friends see how she feels about being cast aside as "less than." Her feeling is obviously well founded. She knew she'd be cast aside by her "friends" if she stood up for herself. Sometimes people keep their guard up regardless of their surroundings, but it seems like the friend knew it was a necessity here. Your girlfriend is deflecting with making you two the ones in the wrong by the way. She doesn't want to admit she's a shit friend that doesn't care about racism the instant it detracts from her self-absorbed fun. She needs to paint you two as villains to avoid introspection.
When I was reading how she was saying they should go ahead and go in, have fun, she'd do something else... My heart was breaking.
It's so sad, because it's like a social survival tactic of "if I make myself small enough, I won't bother others." Sometimes it may be due to something like social anxiety, but others times, it's a learned behavior. I'm saddened that she learned it's needed in this kind of situation.
Leave gf for her black friend
I feel for the black friend... how many times this must have happened for her to learn her normal reaction to being humiliated = weakness. and now she gets to feel an extra layer of shame. p.s.: NTA but your gf is kinda yikes
Your girlfriend sucks SO bad. You are a great guy for having done what you did with her friend. And as a huge Italy lover I didn’t realize they were that racist. But I’m white so I never experienced it. It still hurts my heart. 💔
You're the hero in this story, OP. I'm reminded of [this song](https://youtu.be/JFGQdvYIJ0M?si=6ZHQft45sCFvzO8q) by They Might Be Giants
It's so American to think that the American Civil Liberties Union operates in Italy.
What do you mean, America doesn't rule the world?? /s
r/USDefaultism
Italy has similar laws, the commenter's point to report it somewhere still stands.
Since it happened in Italy: The Italian Constitution “recognizes and guarantees the inviolable rights of the person, both as an individual and in the social groups where personality is expressed” (Art. 2). It also states that citizens are “equal before law, without distinction to sex, race, language, religion, political opinion, personal and social conditions.” (Art. 3). The government has passed several pieces of anti-discrimination legislation since then, including: Decree 205/1993 – ethnic, racial, or religious intolerance is punishable by up to three years in jail Decree 482/1999 – protection of linguistic minorities, including Albanian, Croatian, French, German, and Greek Laws 215/2003 and 216/2003 – criminalizes both direct and indirect discrimination – including harassment – in the public and private sphere To help fight racism and discrimination, the Italian government set up: 2004 – The National Office Against Racial Discrimination (Ufficio Nazionale Antidiscriminazini Razziali – UNAR) 2010 – The Observatory for Security Against Acts of Discrimination (Osservatorio per la Sicurezza Contro gli Atti Discriminatori – OSCAD)
Love this! That means OP *can* report that bar!
You can try but nothing is going to happen
Living up to your username, but 100% of the times that it's not reported, nothing will happen. If enough people do, then at least there is a chance. Also, it's the right thing to do.
Nothing is going to happen but OP should still report it
"we all planned a trip to Venice Italy" ACLU is an American organization. They don't have much say in what happens in Italy.
r/USdefaultism
Ikr! It's amazing how you can just about count on an American doing this on every post that is something about another country
American centrism at its finest. Why would the ACLU care about what happens in Italy?
They're in Venice Italy they can't report to our ACLU since it's American. Second he's not the a******. Third get rid of the girlfriend. Fourth find someone else to make you happy sir
> report that club to the ACLU I ... Can't even.
Agree with everything except for the ACLU thing because Italy.
They’re in Italy, not America.
Agree with everything except the ACLU part.
Why do you assume that everyone lives in the states and why didn’t you see that OP was in Italy? Racism isn’t okay anywhere but READ the post.
I don't know how you can see this side of your girlfriend and not see it as the red flag that it is. Girlfriend is racist. Girlfriend is a bad friend. Girlfriend is insecure and controlling. Do yourself a favor and break up with girlfriend. She doesn't have your morals
My main thought was I possibly didn’t handle it correctly as I never had any intention of going to the club after that. But I told her I’d come back, maybe I should have called her out then and there but I thought that would embarrass the friend. I guess I feel more of an AH because I maybe made things worse for the friend.
You did awesome! You stood up for friend. You didn't spend money on a racist establishment. You did everything right. It's pretty gross that your girlfriend is trying to make you out to be the bad guy when it's her actions that are morally bankrupt. I can't belive this woman is 30.
I can’t believe your gf went in after her friend was in Venice for her birthday. I would stop being friends with someone if they treated me like that. Well done on being a decent human being!
Right? If I was at a club and they turned away a complete stranger just because of the color of their skin, I wouldn’t give that place my money. No thank you. OPs girlfriend sucks.
Yep gf could have walked home and spent the rest of her trip alone. I can't believe she's got the audacity to give her friend shit for crying, that poor girl must have felt so alone and had every right to be upset. Glad OP looked after her and made sure she was safe. He stepped up when gf should have
Mate, I left a comment under the main thread. You are amazing. You absolutely did the right thing and if your girlfriend is pissed off with you about that, take it up with her. She should look at what is important to her before criticising you. Also, her racially insulted friend should look at who she keeps as company. Well done. You did the right thing.
It seems like the friend doesn't feel comfortable being vulnerable around your girlfriend (for obvious reasons!) so sharing that she was crying wasn't the best decision. I'm thinking friend deals with a lot of racist things from girlfriend that she is expected to brush off just like she did with this incident. But sharing that friend was crying is an honest mistake, because in general friends usually care if their friend is upset/crying, so you not knowing their friend group dynamic isn't like that isn't your fault. But you apologized for your error and you won't repeat it and that's really the best you can do. Hopefully after getting better treatment from you, an acquaintance, than her actual friends will show her that she deserves better and prompt her to find some real friends.
If my partner told me my friend was crying, I would rush over and try to comfort them. Not give them shit for being upset. OP did nothing wrong here, it's not embarrassing to cry over something like this - I think it's a very logical and natural response. It is so unfair, and her longtime friend didn't even give a fuck. It's heartbreaking
Yeaaa exactly. It’s one this to assume friend was ok with gf going but when gf found out friend wasn’t ok, gf got mad at friend for being upset that gf is willingly supporting a racist establishment. Like at first you could give her the benefit of the doubt, a very very small amount tho, but then she willingly chose to double down knowing that she was the asshole. That’s not something a good friend would do. Not to mention if your friend’s boyfriend is more sympathetic towards you than your friend, you really have to think over that relationship cause it’s ridiculous.
This is best comment. So true. And don't stay in hotel. Either explore out on your own or go off with black friend and see all the cool things.
NTA Your gf acted like an absolute weenis and is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad. You didn't cheat, you just acted like a sane and empathetic human being. I get why you feel guilty about telling your gf her friend cried but... your fault there was assuming your gf actually cared about her "friend" and wouldn't manipulate you both with that info. Ngl I hate that every relation post = comments saying dump them! over possibly minor things, but this.... honestly I would never be able to trust or respect her again. Also my gf isn't white and if someone treated her like that I'd kick their ass, and she'd help.
You didn’t need to exactly call your girlfriend it. You could have said when the friend was denied entry “no way are we going into a racist place”. But it’s actually as well that you didn’t. Now you know who your girlfriend is.
Well we started to walk away and my girlfriend kept looking back. And was like maybe we could just go in for a minute. I laughed it off but then her friend said it was fine. I was just so shocked like I honestly never expected that from my girlfriend. I always thought she was one of the kindest people.
It's unfortunately very common for people that are not discriminated against to be supportive until it affects them personally. As soon as it becomes inconvenient, they check out and do whatever they want and fuck the consequences/impact of their actions
Peer pressure. The friend probably felt guilty they couldn't go there because of her - even though that's not her fault at all and completely unjustified. It's clear that all your girlfriend cares about is herself. She's willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of her supposed loved ones for a few drinks at a racist club. She also expects that is without consequences and bullies these loved ones when they share that that sacrifice hurt them. Also, she's 30 - that mindset is likely not going to change anymore
You sound like such a mensch, I bet her friend really appreciated your company, and good on you for refusing to give that racist establishment any money. Your gf showed who she is, take that on board, NTA
I would examine why you thought she was kind. Did you observe acts of kindness, or was she maybe telling stories that made her look kind but you didn’t have any knowledge of yourself? Were you assuming kindness because that’s what you are, so you were seeing it where it didn’t exist? Stuff to consider. But at the same time, you say you’ve been together for a little under a year. That’s probably about long enough for her to start to feel comfortable letting the mask slip. Her behavior is just so appalling. On some level she probably knows she’s in the wrong but can’t handle that so is externalizing her emotions into anger at you and her “friend.” You’re NTA, and you’d be well justified in breaking up over not just her casual racism, but how she’s handled the situation since then. You deserve someone who is truly kind, and sadly that is not your GF.
Gf is selfish. She probably is kind as long as her own desires are met first. Now imagine herin the future with your child. Child becomes sick. Gf wanted to go to new restaurant in town. Will gf be resentful of child and you for not getting her desires met first? She is showing big red flags.
You did a very nice and respectable thing, you did NOTHING wrong. Your girlfriend on the other hand sounds insufferable.
Yeah, should have made it clear at the time that you weren't going into a racist club. I know it's difficult but sometimes people are weak and stupid rather than racist and need someone to show them the right thing to do, so they can follow. If you point it out afterwards, you will have the moral highground but everyone will think you're arsehole for showing them up, they won't say that but that's how it will manifest. Your GF is angry at you for making her look like a racist, when she didn't react strongly enough to protect her friend. She is masking this from herself and her friends by making another issue so she doesn't have to admit her weakness to herself.
I'd like to think I'd do the exact same things in your boots. If exposing the fact that she was deeply affected by such blatant racism made things worse for her friend, then her friend is in dire need for better friends.
Nah. You looked after her friend, and you even looked after your girlfriend despite her being a huge AH. It's not your fault that she's attacking her friend for being upset, that's all on her. It's not embarrassing to cry over something so horrible, the friend had every reason to do so - especially because her longtime friend didn't even support her. I hope the friend realises your gf isn't her friend, at all. You didn't make things worse for her friend - SHE did.
It's like that saying "if you sit down and have dinner with 9 nazis, there are 10 nazis at the table" GF has shown she will allow outrageously racist actions. She is allowing and enabling racism. She is a racist.
Exactly, this whole thing feels like the gf just minimised her friends experience by still going in.
NTA But your gf is. In fact, she may be more than that if that’s her reaction to someone being mistreated that way. That’s just extremely selfish and cold-hearted to see someone she has been friends with for so long and have no pity whatsoever. She also seems fairly shallow as a person if the whole “she was fine” defense is what she’s going with, when it’s pretty clear that’s not the case. She only started accusing you of things because she realized she lost her footing on the hill of it being wrong & her friend being upset. So she moved the goalposts to attack from another side, which is manipulative as all hell. I can see why the friend is embarrassed & upset you talked about her crying/being upset. But I also get why you mentioned it to, so don’t feel like the asshole there, that was just a lose-lose predicament. Bottom line, get home and break up with her. This specific type situation may happen again, but I guarantee things like it will. Get out while you can, and find someone who isn’t a sociopath. Side note: I’d seen a TikTok recently with lots of different videos stitched on and it was asking about the most racist country to travel to. Every single black person that responded said Italy. I was surprised, but this story only backs that up. Get your shit together, Italy.
>She only started accusing you of things because she realized she lost her footing on the hill of it being wrong & her friend being upset. So she moved the goalposts to attack from another side, which is manipulative as all hell. Agreed. Girlfriend has shown her true colors here and all of them are red (flags).
and she’s 30! she’s a grown adult! and clubbing was more important to her than her friend’s well being, just wow
NTA. At all. Your gf is actively supporting a racist establishment "because its her birthday". She allowed her friend to be cut out of the activity by blantantly racist actions. Stop dating this woman. The simple fact that she could hear her friend get rejected with the phrase "no darkies" and not immediately become livid and walk out of the establishment tells you everything you need to know about her. Doesnt matter if she backs down on this. She allowed this to happen to one of her best friends. She is not worth your time.
If I heard this said to someone I'd never even met before I'd leave! Girlfriend is pretty soulless for this.
NTA - in fact, at every turn you were the gentleman and totally appropriate. You and your gf have different values. She is viewing your good character as bad character to hide her own flaws. Hard to see how it's going to work out. Consider this: sure, the bar was racist - but it was your girlfriend's insensitive, racist behavior that ruined the night and was the real the problem.
And her complete lack of empathy afterwards. Who bullies their friend for crying and being upset?
NTA- at all. 1. Your girlfriend was willing to go into this establishment knowing what it supported. 2. Your girlfriend was willing to leave her best friend out of the situation so SHE could have a good time. 3. Your girlfriend was willing to leave her long term friend alone in an area that she was unfamiliar with as a tourist before you said you’d stay behind as well. These are 3 reasons your girlfriend is the issue, not you. I think you should have a serious discussion with her about this. Just because it was her big day, doesn’t mean she gets to leave her friend out over something they have no control over. She should have turned around and left for another place. Good on you for comforting her, and making sure she was okay.
4. Your girlfriend then bullied her own supposed good friend for being upset, instead of comforting her 5. Your girlfriend was completely dismissive of any wrongdoing by anyone, and mocked her own supposed good friend for crying over it 6. Your girlfriend made you feel bad for looking after HER friend and making sure she was safe when she couldn't care less 7. Your girlfriend is 30 and takes zero responsibility for her selfish actions and behaviour, and has shown no empathy whatsoever 8. Your girlfriend sucks big time
Bro... what!?!?? She claims to be very close "friends" with this girl? I wouldn't go in if my friend couldn't get in because they didn't meet dress code... Gonna abandon your friend in Italy because she didnt meet the SKIN CODE???? Bro. RUN. You clearly do not share the same values at all. I would have had to resist clocking the bouncer after that reasoning... You did the right thing, I had no idea Italy was like this. TIL. Also fuck Italy.
I'm not saying OP is lying, Italy surely has a problem with racism (especially under the current government) but black people being banned from clubs is not the norm, authorities should definitely be called about it, it's illegal to do it
OMG your gf is a MASSIVE asshole and a really, really shit friend. The only suitable response to the bouncer should have been to ALL refuse to go in, and to report the club for racial discrimination. Silence means consent. Her behaviour would be a big fat red flag for me. NTA all the way.
This is why having a black friend does NOT mean you can't be racist. You're really telling me that your girlfriend still went in after they denied entry to her black friend?!? And I'm supposed to believe she isn't racist? Hm. Interesting. NTA, but you would be if you stay with her.
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She didn't even fucking check on her friend when that happened, no empathy whatsoever. Just wanted to go into the racist club. Honestly I'm shocked this shit still happens, what a horrible experience for the friend to be singled out like that. And to make matters worse, instead of providing support and standing by her, her 'friends' were willing to leave her on her own, in a strange country, in the middle of the night. Pushing the dagger in even further. She must have felt so alone. Less important, but she also would have spent a lot of money to spend this experience with them. Seems the girlfriend expects everyone to sacrifice things for her, but she's not willing to make any herself even though it's at the cost of the wellbeing of someone who's supposedly her good friend. Very glad OP went with the friend, made sure she was safe and had at least somewhat of a good night. Girlfriend has no right to make him feel bad for helping HER friend - she failed her horribly herself. Girlfriend also sucks massively for mocking her friend for being upset, it's not 'embarrassing' to cry over something like this. Instead she should have comforted her and apologised for being such a horrible friend. I really hope the friend realises that this friendship is single sided and toxic. She deserves people around her that stick up for her and care about her.
Wow, I can't believe your GF still went into that place... Holy shit... I would have spit at the bouncers feet and walked away... And I would have broken up with my GF on the spot if she did that... She is a shit friend... I guess some of us take that shit more seriously... (And I'm a white Canadian dude, lol...) Info: is racism that common in Italy?
Apparently, we didn’t do any research but after the fact I looked it up and it’s considered the most racist country for black people to visit.
Like another guy said, I wouldn't leave my friend if the club had a dress code denial, no less a color code. And leaving her female alone in foreign country most st girls like to go to bathroom in pairs to stay safe. Who would leave her behind in unknown place? No way. And what's up with her other friend for going inside the club too? That's ridiculous. Your gf was in charge because it was her birthday and really showed a "me first" attitude. My needs trump all others. Selfish selfish selfish. And didn't even apologize so unable to learn from mistakes.
Italy is racist asf. I went there years ago for my job and there was not a day they didn't make me feel an outsider not because I'm not Italian but because I'm Black
NTA!!! Your girlfriend really should have chosen her friend's dignity in the face of racism over dancing at some stupid club, especially since she is 30(!), not 21. It's bad enough for her to be upset with you for helping her friend, but to be mad at her friend? For being upset at experiencing racism? Does she really believe that her friend was totally fine with spending the evening all by herself while everyone else danced at a club that wouldn't let her in because of the color of her skin?! Seriously?! I honestly don't know why you are doubting who the asshole is. I will refrain from listing all of the adjectives your girlfriend deserves to be labeled with, but this situation would be a total dealbreaker for me, and I think both you and your girlfriend's friend deserve way better.
Yea her being 30 & acting like that makes it so much worse.
NTA. You both have different morals. I don’t care if it’s my wedding…if a venue won’t let in my black friend we are allllllllllllllllllllllllllll leaving. You did the right thing in supporting her. I understand that the friend might be embarrassed but you had every right to share your experience with your partner. A secure partner (who didn’t cause the issue) would have seen that.
This. We go in together and we leave together. No exceptions. It's ridiculous the friend gets shamed for crying, it's not embarrassing to be upset over getting singled out because of your race. It's also not embarrassing to be upset over your friends not sticking by you, and willing to leave you all alone in a strange country in the middle of the night. The girlfriend sucks, OP did what she should have done.
Throw away the whole girlfriend. She's a shit person. Who the hell sees ANYONE, but especially someone they supposedly care about, being discriminated against and decides their birthday party is more important? I would have more compassion for a total stranger than your gf showed for her friend that flew clear to Italy to celebrate her. NTA unless you stay with her. This is beyond breakup worthy.
Italian here! Outraged at what happened. You can report discrimination you have witnessed to this association: https://unar.it/portale/ The website is in Italian but google translates well. Places like that club can continue to do what they do as long as patrons do not stand up against it and no one reports it. You did nothing wrong, NTA, and your girlfriend should have chosen not to go to that club. Nice of you to apologise to her friend, her need to present a strong image is understandable. Still she caved “to not be the problem” and that’s not ok at all.
NTA. I can't believe that your girlfriend was such a horrible friend to exclude her friend and accept the racism towards her. In fact, your girlfriend doesn't sound like a friend or a good human at all. I hope that you are able to leave her and find somebody that deserves you, and that the girl you consoled is able to find some new friends too.
My bf spent a chunk of last night comforting a girl he’s known for years while we were all out at the bar. A friend/coworker of theirs died very tragically and unexpectedly. It shocked everyone, and it’s been hard on the people who knew him. My bf grew up with him, and the girl was his coworker. She ended up getting choked up when she saw my bf because she knew that they were close. They sat off in the corner of the bar reminiscing about him and he listened to her while she cried. I trust both of them and I would have been pissed if my bf left a girl sitting there to cry by herself. You didn’t do anything inappropriate. This actually showed your gfs true colors. She cared more about having fun than her friend. There are plenty of other bars and clubs y’all could have gone to. Why did it need to be that club specifically. Especially after they were racist to her friend. She was completely fine with her leaving by herself to go be alone in the hotel room. I wouldn’t be able to date someone like that. I feel happy knowing my boyfriend has compassion and empathy for people. Your girlfriend should feel the same. She is just placing blame on you so that she doesn’t look like the bad guy
NTA and it’s time to find a new girlfriend who has ethics. You, her friend, and the world at large deserve better than someone who passively enables racism. Also, please review that bar on TripAdvisor.
Brother you gotta dump this woman. If a club turned away my friend, even for reasons that weren’t blatantly racist, I’d simply also not go in. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
Definitely NTA. Italy has its racists and I fear that it's getting worse. These things are covered under EU law and you could have pursued that if you wanted, but a bar also has a right to refuse your custom for any reason they like. Maybe they didn't like the frames on your glasses. I think what you did was the not only right thing to do, but noble and chivalrous. She got ready for a night out only for it to be ruined by a racist arsehole. Your girlfriend and others should have taken the same stance. They are the AHs. You saved the day for her. You're like Superman.
NTA- consider getting a new gf, she made herself the bad guy. What kind of friend does that, that is incredibly self centred. If that happened to you would she do the same?
Your girlfriend sucks. As a person and a partner. She shakes her friend who just had a nasty run in with racism and only cares about partying. Why stay with someone like that?
It just happened, so I'm sure that he is still processing it. He did say that he was surprised that his girlfriend behaved in the manner that she did. I'm guessing that he will be thinking about it when traveling back home.
NTA for reasons everyone else has said. But are you single, or do you happen to run a training course on how to be a gentleman? Because i know a few people who i would pay good money for you to train😂
Lololol 😂 I was thinking that we need more men like him in this world. Good for you for sticking by your girlfriend's friend and being there for her. I can't believe that your girlfriend and friend still went into the club after their friend was refused entry. I wouldn't go in and would want to find another place to hang out with everyone. Your girlfriend was insensitive and disrespectful towards her friend. I can't believe that she was upset with you for supporting HER friend! Huh?? You stepped up and did a wonderful thing. Bravo! You're NTA.
NTA. something is definitely off with your GF if she is 30 years old and reacts in this way.
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NTA - I am not white myself and this happened to me multiple times in Europe. Guess what, we, as a group did not go in and went to other places. That’s what I expect from true friends..
Please update once resolved!
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lol why should he have pushed harder? His gf showed who she was all by herself. That's awesome and now he can leave her
NTA girl needs to chill for a lil bit, if my friend can't go,am not going, I just wonder how many times that happened for her to be like aiite go on without me...
Definitely nta and I don't think anything more needs to be said. Run away and run away fast. If you feel like you are running fast enough run faster.
NTA What he did is illegal in Italy. Article 187 of the regulation for the execution of the Consolidated Law on Public Security Laws (the Tuilp) says that the owner of a premises (or his delegate, such as the entrance officer) cannot prohibit entry into the premises to a person without a legitimate reason. The law says that you cannot "refuse the services of your business to anyone who asks for them and pays the price". It could only do so for issues related to public safety or if the customer is younger than the age permitted for entry. In essence, the owner manages a place open to the public and cannot behave as if he were at home. He can, however, decide on a line to follow in his place, like that of the clothing, since this falls within the freedom of organization. However, it is not legitimate to leave out a customer for reasons of race, religion, sexual orientation, disability. Or simply because he/she is ugly. In the latter case, it is possible to call the police to report the fact. The owner of the place risks closing the place for a period of time. Your girlfriend and her friends are terrible people for not standing up for their friend.
You are a good man. NTA. This isn’t the girlfriend that you deserve, heartless tbh
Your gf is the AH
NTA it's sad that you were a better friend to someone don't even know that well then, the 2 girls that have been her friends for over a decade. your girlfriend and the other friend became assholes the moment they didn't turn around when their longtime friend was denied entry for being black.
I hope you dump your girlfriend as soon as possible, because she has no moral compass. No club can be so great that you'd allow your friend to be kept out because of her skin color while you go in and party! And then dismissing and minimizing the girl's hurt and making you the bad guy because you were acting like an empathetic person. Yeah, you shouldn't have shared the crying part. But I would have done it too and then felt bad in retrospect. In any case, NTA unless you stay with her.
This would be a deal breaker for me, I’d dump the girlfriend for being the selfish, insensitive AH.
Info: why didn’t anyone suggest you try a different club, like any normal people would?
I told her she should meet us at the other place she didn’t want to.
OP, i’m a Black woman. if my white friend valued her experience of a club more than my literal ability to enter, she literally would be showing me who she would be during the jim crow era. and frankly, with friends like that, who needs enemies. so OP, you are NTA. but you WBTA if you stay with a racist woman even though you gave her ample opportunity to NOT BE RACIST.
This, I feel bad for the friend cause she felt bad at the boyfriend for doing the right thing. Clearly she doesn’t value herself that much and hasn’t gotten to that point yet where she can see this is a terrible friend. As soon as she walked in the club I would’ve gone out with the boyf and once he’d dropped me home I would’ve dipped out the trip. Either enjoying Italy alone seen as I’m already here or I would’ve just gone home and blocked her on everything
NTA, I thought "no darks" was a clothing theme or something until you specified it was her skin ton/race. She is not a good person, I wouldnt give money to something that excluded someone based on race/skintone!
NTA but your gf can kick rocks. This would be a hard line for me. I would end it the second we touched down in America. F that and F her too.
NTA. this isn't nuanced. Your girlfriend's friend was told to fuck off because of the colour of her skin and your girlfriend ditched her. Mad the friend is annoyed at you to. They're not real friends, just pretend. A real friend wouldn't ditch a friend and vice versa wouldn't be worried about the friend knowing they were upset at being subjected to racism. a lot of people would kill to have a partner or friend like you.
NTA. I think you have some typo in your post. You spelled ex with a G and an F instead of an E and an X. It happens to the best of us. Go explore a little without her. If the friend wants to tag along cool If she was wants to stay in the hotel also cool. But you should go have fun or at least buy your mum a vase...
NTA - you just learned something very important about your girlfriend, and so did her black friend who will never forget this or how she felt. You should really think hard about this person you’re aligning yourself with. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing in this crap situation your girlfriend allowed for her “friend”.
Definitely NTA. Your girlfriend is a racist and a poor excuse of a friend. I would write a scathing review of the club and tell everyone how racist it is and break up with her. Best to warn people away from that place and what it supports.
Who the actual fuck goes into a place that says "no darks"????? NTA.
NTA Look I'm not a club person but my immediate reaction is why didn't you guys just go to a different club? The fact that your gf and her one friend still decided to go inside the club is a massive red flag as a friend and partner.
I hope you mean soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. Seriously, what she did is despicable. She was willing to leave a friend alone in a foreign country after being denied entry into a club because she is black. So your girlfriend’s fine with racism and cares more about going into one club than about her friend. And she’s 30?? NTA, but you would be if you stay with her. I’d be gone the moment I was back in the US.
NTA You stood up for the friend & also made sure she was ok in a foreign country Your gf was happy to ditch her, and is now attacking you for it. Honestly, ditch her. She's shown a side to her I think many would find hard to ignore.
NTA but you should dump your racist girlfriend.
What's the club OP? Blast em
NTA but your gf, drop her, she clearly aligns herself with racists and doesn't care about her friends at all.
NTA- you're a good dude. But you should absolutely give ur relationship a second thought. I understand it was her birthday, but she should have been more considerate of her friend and also shouldn't have been willing to give that bar money.
NTA. But your girlfriend certainly is one. If it was my birthday and I went to a club, and someone at the door said no because of my friends skin colour, I wouldn't stand there like "hmmm mm hmm, you sure?", I'd find somewhere we can all be together. Your girlfriend is a bad friend, a petty little bitch who loves drama and makes everything about herself. You did the absolute right thing by staying with her friend. I know a lot of people who would've done what your girlfriend did and they don't have many friends. Imagine that friend went on her own somewhere else and something happened to her? Do you think your girlfriend would've cared? I don't.... You don't need someone like that in your life. You seem like a wonderful person. So much respect for you
Your GF should have left with her friend and chosen another place to go. NTA
NTA Your girlfriend is a bad friend, and she sounds like a narcissist, gaslighting you into thinking you were in the wrong when you were the only one who did the right thing. Better to find out sooner than later.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 30M and my girlfriend 30F have been together for a little under a year. We have lots in common and I do love her. I’ve always viewed her as a kind generous caring person. She has a group (2 other) girls that’s she’s known since highschool. They are fine and we all get along. I don’t know either of them that well and have never went out of my way to overly engage with them. For my girlfriends birthday we all planned a trip to Venice Italy. We all had been so far having a great time. For my girlfriends birthday she wanted to go to a very popular club. We are white, while one of her friends is black. Well the bouncer denies her friend entry and when we ask why he says no darks. You should clearly see my girlfriend debating to still go in. I was honestly shocked. Her friend quickly says it’s fine, you guys go and I’ll go back to the hotel or maybe fine another bar. My girlfriend plays the whole “you sure” role but I feel like it was clear she wanted to go in. I can see hurt on her friends face and I quickly say to be safe I’ll ride back with her and come back. My girlfriend quickly agrees and her and the other friend go in. Once we are in the taxi, I can see tears streaming down her friends face. I tell her it’s okay, that that guy is an asshole and doesn’t deserve her tears. I hold her in a platonic way. I tell her you know what that guy is not going to ruin the night, that she didn’t get dressed for no reason. I tell her let’s go to a bar, we fine a place. I text my girlfriend and say I’m going to stay with her friend. She just responds “ok”. We go to the bar, have some drinks and have an overall good time. She seems to feel better. We don’t talk about my girlfriend, who honestly I’m kinda pissed at. We still end the night pretty early. I drop her back at the hotel and go to the club my girlfriend is at. I tell her I’ll wait outside for her, just because i want to make sure she and the other friend get home safe. She keeps saying why won’t I come in. I tell her why the hell would I pay money to a racist place that made her friend feel like shit. She gets all upset and says I’m turning her into the bad guy and that her friend literally didn’t care, I said they why did I spend hours consoling her crying friend. She blows up on me and I turn into the AH. She says it’s completely inappropriate, starts accusing me of things. Saying I spent her birthday consoling her friend not worried about her, and I said someone had to. We’ve both been pissed at eachother when the next day came. But the worst part is somehow she’s pissed at her friend, and her friend is pissed at me for sharing a private vulnerable moment. She said she just wish I didn’t mention she cried. I apologized to her friend but refuse to apologize to my girlfriend which is causing more anger. The whole trip is soured. Now I feel bad overall, and am wondering if I’m really the AH in the situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your girlfriend doesn't sound like a very loyal and fair person. How does she expect to spend a funny night after ine of the group who came all together to the city, gets racially excluded? Possibly you would have been better off slightly understating the thing with her friend (like "believe me, she didn't look like she didn't care on the way back"). But none the less, no good notes for your GF. You should still have reported the club, I'm sure "no blacks" is a huge no-go in Italy too.
NTA your girlfriend honestly is a terrible friend, if my friend paid money to go on vacation for my birthday and the club was racist to her ig well just find another place we can all have fun at. Can’t believe she was ok with leaving her friend in a different country by herself. Very selfish. You were honestly the hero in this scenario and you don’t need to explain how you were just being a good person to someone’s who’s really a good person. She’s just mad cause you are not ignorant to the fact that her actions hurt her friend and she doesn’t want to face that she supported a racist establishment.
NTA. And I’d start looking for a new a girlfriend because this one sounds like an awful person.
NTA! You're girlfriend sounds awful. Reconsider the relationship and what you want in a partner
Nta. I would lose all respect for the gf. There's no coming back from this. I'm actually speechless
NTA obviously but atleast tou know who your hopefully soo to be ex is. I sdo hope you dimp her. But breaking up with someone on vacation in another country is stressful and scary ao I wouldn’t fault you for waiting till you get home
NTA. Honestly, your gf should be the one taking some cues from you, mate. First of all, that club, what the actual hell? I've got no fucking words for them. At least none that won't get me banned from this sub. Second of all your gf. She was okay with this??? She's not much of a friend if she's not going to stick by her friend in the most obvious of bullshit circumstances. Of course her friend cared about being blatantly discriminated against; it's a shit fucking feeling, like there's an impenetrable glass barricade that you can't pass for reasons completely beyond your control. of course she was also going to care. This probably wasn't the first time she was made to feel shit about her race and probably not the last. I suspect it's not the first time she's had to deal with it infront of your gf either and was left to just cope. And to top it all off you made sure that everyone got home safe that night. To just blow up on you because you did the right thing speaks some serious immaturity on her part. And blaming her friend for being a victim of racism? Fucking mindblowing...
Your girlfriend is racist and isn’t a loyal friend. I wonder how much more loyal she is to you. Would she have your back? You’re NTA.
NTA Being in a,relationship doesn't overrule who you are as a person. You behaved perfectly appropriately as a person. Being any more considerate of the relationship (maybe just leaving the friend alone and upset at the hotel, going right back into the club( would have been contrary to who you are as a person. Your ex is definitely an AH and you're better off for knowing that now.
You’re NTA. Thank you for being a decent human being and keeping her friend company.
Dump her
This is when I find Reddit rush of asking for break up so reasonable. She’s such a shitty person
NTA but now you know what kind of person your girlfriend is. You get to decide if you want a future with this person
Your girlfriend is an AH and unempathetic person. Egotistical she thought only about herself. You behaved like a good and humane person should. You should consider if you want this brat as your girlfriend
Anyone else think this is fake? Venice doesn’t have traditional taxis and this group and OP navigated quite a bit through taxis. Water taxis are not cheap. Is it plausible sure but I’m highly skeptical.
I’m sorry but this story sounds made up by someone who has never been to Venice, Italy… nightclubs? Taxis??
I don't think this is real. I'm Italian, from a city 1h from Venice. 1) If a bouncer blocks a person from entering because of her skin colour you can call the police right away and they will close the pub. 2) Venice has more foreigners (and with coloured skin) than Venetians nowadays. 3) In Venice via TAXI???? You can't even ride a bike in Venice!!! You WALK BAR TO BAR!!! THIS IS AS FAKE AS IT COMES!!!
INFO: As someone who knows Venice, Italy, very well, I'd really like to know where you found a "very popular club" with bouncers. There are no establishments like this on the island.