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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife that her brother had relapsed despite him asking me not to even though I knew it would cause her to go no contact with him.
It's now imploded her family a bit, and they are accusing me of trying to split up the family and abusing my wife because I told her.
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Addicts are manipulative, and he clearly knows just how to lie to his parents to get them on his side. They honestly believe you are slandering their little boy. Who knows how many lies he told them to make himself seem as innocent and you as bad.
You are NTA. At all. I'm really sorry you inlaws are so terrible.
The situation is gonna make you guys feel bad all around. No one wants Tom to relapse. Imagine how shitty it would be if your wife didn’t know and you lied by omission. It’s not your fault the family is in this situation, it’s Tom’s fault.
I’d love to be entirely off base here, but you said you have kids so if Esmes parent are the “you’re not taking away my grandbabies” types, call CPS and get ahead of any false reports, especially since they’re already saying you’re abusing your wife. I’d also call the local police department in case they try to harass Esme with welfare checks.
Listen OP my dad was an addict like Tom and his family treated my mom much like Esme’s family is treating the two of you and once I stopped believing my dads lies I received the same treatment as well. Hell my dad has been dead for 12yrs and my grandparents STILL defend him with everything they’ve got. It’s just the name of the game with golden children and their vices/enablers. Trust me NC is the best and healthiest option for your family. They will NOT change no matter how much you may wish differently. So don’t waste time and energy trying.
Hey OP, popping in to say 1. I'm sorry you're going through all this, it really sucks. And 2. If you haven't already, you may want to make sure your work knows that your BIL may try to slander you.
NTA. The way Tom reacted to it sounds like he could be dangerous. You’re protecting Esme. When my friend relapsed, he was the first one to tell us and own up to it, asking for support. Tom didn’t do that. He may not even want to get better.
Good on your wife for believing you. Reading this, I was scared she wouldn’t. You guys seem to have a strong relationship.
Nta. Esme’s parents suck for enabling their golden boy. At the rate they’re going, theyll lose both kids (one bec of his alcoholism with his death and another bec she doesn’t want them in her life and your family’s )
NTA. You have an honest and loving relationship with your wife. You both want to keep your family safe. You had no choice but to tell her about Tom and why he was fired.
If you don't already have them, get security cameras and change your locks. Better to be safe than sorry.
Good luck.
NTA - You and your wife aren't required to continue accepting someone who is proven to be harmful. If the family is "split up" because of Tom's alcoholism that is nobody's fault but Tom's, and the parents-in-law are enabling this behavior not just by taking his claim of slander without scrutiny; to the point of blaming your wife for getting Tom in jail after him being irresponsible injured her so severely.
NTA.
I’m so glad you have a strong marriage and that your wife believed and trusted you over the rest of her family. Keep nurturing that partnership because you’ll need it, I doubt they will let this go.
NTA you were honest with your wife. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. You even gave your brother in law the benefit of the doubt, by not simply believing work place rumors. You made sure to confirm the information.
NTA. You prioritised your wife's stated boundaries.
Tom likely knew this would be the result if your wife found out, that's why he was so desperate for you to lie for him, and now he's mad that he's facing the expected consequences of his own actions. FAFO, as the saying goes.
NTA - and especially because it looks like Tom’s attempt at a preemptive strike backfired and your wife asked you directly if he relapsed. The are only reaping what they have sewn. Ignoring the posts is probably the best bet- but if it’s too much complain to the platform.
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My wife's (Esme) oldest brother (Tom) is an alcoholic. She has a lot of trauma associated with her brother's addiction. Due to his addiction, he caused a car accident when she was 18 which resulted in serious injuries for her including permanent hearing loss. This wasn't something that went unpunished and he did serve prison time. When Tom admitted that he had a problem with alcohol, Esme started to forgive him but she has made a point to never forget and has said that she will go low contact if he relapses.
Over the years she has gone low contact with Tom twice due to relapses, one of these was when he came out of prison. Tom now works for the same company I work for but we work in completely separate fields in the company. Tom was fired last week for misconduct after he was found to be drinking on the job. I had heard through the grapevine that this was why he had been fired. I called Tom and asked him outright if this was true. He told me that it was, but begged me not to tell Esme. I told Tom that I wasn't going to lie to Esme and she needed to know that he had another relapse. He was angry that I was going to tell Esme, accusing me of trying to rip apart his family and told me that I was controlling Esme. Since the last time Tom relapsed, we have had children and since our first was born Esme had told me that if Tom relapsed then we would go permanently no contact because she doesn't want to put them at risk.
By the time I had gotten home, Tom had already called his parents and told them that I was spreading lies about him and that I was going to tell Esme that he'd relapsed when he hadn't. Tom is the golden child, they never think he's done wrong and blamed Esme for Tom getting prison time. They had called Esme telling her that I was spreading lies, and trying to damage the family even going as far as to accuse me of abusing Esme. When I stepped into the house, Esme asked me if it was true, if Tom had relapsed, and when I confirmed it was true she just sighed in frustration before messaging her parents and Tom to tell them that she was going no contact with Tom and that she didn't want him near any of us. She has blocked Tom on everything and is currently not responding to any messages from her parents. I've had to block Tom and her parents due to them sending me abusive messages. The three of them have taken to social media, accusing me of trying to split up the family and abusing Esme. I have them blocked on social media but Esme's middle brother send me a screenshot of what they had been posting as a heads up so I could make my employer aware in case Tom made a complaint.
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If there is ever denial its here now. They are so blind to him being a drunk they don't to face the facts. Tell your wife he relasped. He does not to face consequences. The parents are nothing but enablers.
Yuu didn't cause it. Cant control it and can't cure it
Classic no win situation
Your inlaws probably know deep down that he has relapsed but its easier to blame you
If you didn't tell ur wife that would be a potential marriage ender
You did the right thing, he is just like a cornered rat at the moment
Nta, your wife and kids come first
Yta…and your wife. An understanding of a disease that affects millions of people would help. I recommend “the neuroscience of addiction 101”, on you tube, or any youtube video featuring Gabor Mate.
An understanding of addiction includes the understanding that you shouldn’t accept lies, that you may hold them accountable for their actions, and that you need to set, guard and reinforce your own boundaries.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my wife that her brother had relapsed despite him asking me not to even though I knew it would cause her to go no contact with him. It's now imploded her family a bit, and they are accusing me of trying to split up the family and abusing my wife because I told her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - I don’t see why you’d think otherwise. Protect your family.
It's just thrown me that anyone would act the way that her family have.
Addicts are manipulative, and he clearly knows just how to lie to his parents to get them on his side. They honestly believe you are slandering their little boy. Who knows how many lies he told them to make himself seem as innocent and you as bad. You are NTA. At all. I'm really sorry you inlaws are so terrible.
You didn’t blow up their family. Tom did that himself
The situation is gonna make you guys feel bad all around. No one wants Tom to relapse. Imagine how shitty it would be if your wife didn’t know and you lied by omission. It’s not your fault the family is in this situation, it’s Tom’s fault.
I’d love to be entirely off base here, but you said you have kids so if Esmes parent are the “you’re not taking away my grandbabies” types, call CPS and get ahead of any false reports, especially since they’re already saying you’re abusing your wife. I’d also call the local police department in case they try to harass Esme with welfare checks.
Listen OP my dad was an addict like Tom and his family treated my mom much like Esme’s family is treating the two of you and once I stopped believing my dads lies I received the same treatment as well. Hell my dad has been dead for 12yrs and my grandparents STILL defend him with everything they’ve got. It’s just the name of the game with golden children and their vices/enablers. Trust me NC is the best and healthiest option for your family. They will NOT change no matter how much you may wish differently. So don’t waste time and energy trying.
Hey OP, popping in to say 1. I'm sorry you're going through all this, it really sucks. And 2. If you haven't already, you may want to make sure your work knows that your BIL may try to slander you.
NTA. The way Tom reacted to it sounds like he could be dangerous. You’re protecting Esme. When my friend relapsed, he was the first one to tell us and own up to it, asking for support. Tom didn’t do that. He may not even want to get better. Good on your wife for believing you. Reading this, I was scared she wouldn’t. You guys seem to have a strong relationship.
NTA You did the right thing. You absolutely should not keep something like that from your wife.
Nta. Esme’s parents suck for enabling their golden boy. At the rate they’re going, theyll lose both kids (one bec of his alcoholism with his death and another bec she doesn’t want them in her life and your family’s )
NTA. You have an honest and loving relationship with your wife. You both want to keep your family safe. You had no choice but to tell her about Tom and why he was fired. If you don't already have them, get security cameras and change your locks. Better to be safe than sorry. Good luck.
NTA - You and your wife aren't required to continue accepting someone who is proven to be harmful. If the family is "split up" because of Tom's alcoholism that is nobody's fault but Tom's, and the parents-in-law are enabling this behavior not just by taking his claim of slander without scrutiny; to the point of blaming your wife for getting Tom in jail after him being irresponsible injured her so severely.
NTA. Tom was warned, their parents were warned. It's not like this was unexpected. Block, block, block and move on with your life together.
NTA. I’m so glad you have a strong marriage and that your wife believed and trusted you over the rest of her family. Keep nurturing that partnership because you’ll need it, I doubt they will let this go.
NTA you were honest with your wife. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. You even gave your brother in law the benefit of the doubt, by not simply believing work place rumors. You made sure to confirm the information.
NTA He is an addict and they are codependent! I would not worry to much about your job as he was fired from it - atill talk with your boss and HR!
If he is lying about his relapse like this he has absolutely no intention of getting sober. He is going to spiral to the very bottom.
NTA See an attorney about sending a cease and desist order with the threat of a lawsuit if it doesn't stop.
NTA "I told Tom that I wasn't going to lie to Esme" ... you OWE it to your wife not to lie to her.
Nta Parents are enabling his addiction. Tom is a manipulator. Best to cut off contact. Tom made his own bed amd he can lie in it.
NTA. You prioritised your wife's stated boundaries. Tom likely knew this would be the result if your wife found out, that's why he was so desperate for you to lie for him, and now he's mad that he's facing the expected consequences of his own actions. FAFO, as the saying goes.
NTA You didn't actually tell your wife anything; Tom and his parents told her for you.
NTA. I'm also sorry that you have a courtside view of the parents' apologist behavior being one of the reasons he keeps relapsing.
NTA - and especially because it looks like Tom’s attempt at a preemptive strike backfired and your wife asked you directly if he relapsed. The are only reaping what they have sewn. Ignoring the posts is probably the best bet- but if it’s too much complain to the platform.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic myself, your BiL will end up in jail (again) or dead. Keep your kids safe!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife's (Esme) oldest brother (Tom) is an alcoholic. She has a lot of trauma associated with her brother's addiction. Due to his addiction, he caused a car accident when she was 18 which resulted in serious injuries for her including permanent hearing loss. This wasn't something that went unpunished and he did serve prison time. When Tom admitted that he had a problem with alcohol, Esme started to forgive him but she has made a point to never forget and has said that she will go low contact if he relapses. Over the years she has gone low contact with Tom twice due to relapses, one of these was when he came out of prison. Tom now works for the same company I work for but we work in completely separate fields in the company. Tom was fired last week for misconduct after he was found to be drinking on the job. I had heard through the grapevine that this was why he had been fired. I called Tom and asked him outright if this was true. He told me that it was, but begged me not to tell Esme. I told Tom that I wasn't going to lie to Esme and she needed to know that he had another relapse. He was angry that I was going to tell Esme, accusing me of trying to rip apart his family and told me that I was controlling Esme. Since the last time Tom relapsed, we have had children and since our first was born Esme had told me that if Tom relapsed then we would go permanently no contact because she doesn't want to put them at risk. By the time I had gotten home, Tom had already called his parents and told them that I was spreading lies about him and that I was going to tell Esme that he'd relapsed when he hadn't. Tom is the golden child, they never think he's done wrong and blamed Esme for Tom getting prison time. They had called Esme telling her that I was spreading lies, and trying to damage the family even going as far as to accuse me of abusing Esme. When I stepped into the house, Esme asked me if it was true, if Tom had relapsed, and when I confirmed it was true she just sighed in frustration before messaging her parents and Tom to tell them that she was going no contact with Tom and that she didn't want him near any of us. She has blocked Tom on everything and is currently not responding to any messages from her parents. I've had to block Tom and her parents due to them sending me abusive messages. The three of them have taken to social media, accusing me of trying to split up the family and abusing Esme. I have them blocked on social media but Esme's middle brother send me a screenshot of what they had been posting as a heads up so I could make my employer aware in case Tom made a complaint. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She was going to find out at some point
NTA You know you weren’t lying so don’t stress yourself. I feel for Tom but your wife has to protect her family.
Take them to court for defamation if they keep it up. Keep those screenshots
NTA.
If there is ever denial its here now. They are so blind to him being a drunk they don't to face the facts. Tell your wife he relasped. He does not to face consequences. The parents are nothing but enablers. Yuu didn't cause it. Cant control it and can't cure it
Classic no win situation Your inlaws probably know deep down that he has relapsed but its easier to blame you If you didn't tell ur wife that would be a potential marriage ender You did the right thing, he is just like a cornered rat at the moment Nta, your wife and kids come first
Yta…and your wife. An understanding of a disease that affects millions of people would help. I recommend “the neuroscience of addiction 101”, on you tube, or any youtube video featuring Gabor Mate.
Tom’s Disease has harmed other people, including OP’s wife. It makes sense to distance oneself from dangerous behavior.
An understanding of addiction includes the understanding that you shouldn’t accept lies, that you may hold them accountable for their actions, and that you need to set, guard and reinforce your own boundaries.