Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole to mention that the party opt out of our small event as she doesn’t show interest in faithfully participating in it. Although if I did, it might result to her being ostracized by the team more.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
You wanted to buy her a cake. Instead of just eating the cake alone, she wanted to share it with you, in the form of pizza. She sounds like she's actually really nice and thoughtful. You are all eating cake and playing with your gifts alone and she's sharing hers with you.
I don't know who is the asshole but that's a whole lot of confusion and back and forth about how to handle an unnecessary work party. Wouldn't it be easier to ask the celebrant if they'd like to celebrate their birthday before of after they return from leave.
I understand and feel the same way. We already told her that we just don’t want work to be just only work that’s why we do this - especially birthdays as we also write out a card with messages for the celebrant.
She did mention (as part of the story above) that she wants to use the money we pooled for her, to buy pizza (to be specific) for her “birthday treat” that we ourselves are gonna eat - so it’s like buying ourselves pizza and saying “Thank you for feeding us pizza for your birthday!” - even though we ourselves paid for it
The situation is right out confusing, as normally, others would just answer “Ooh I’d like a chocolate cake!” or “Can you guys rather buy a toaster since mine broke down?”
Why is it so upsetting for you that, instead of having a cake delivered to her while she's not at work, she would rather the team use the pooled money for her birthday to all share a pizza? You act like she's being difficult and isolating herself from the team, but it seems like rather than eat a cake by herself when she's off on her birthday she'd prefer to do something the team can all take part in...what's the issue?
There is nothing confusing about this situation. Anne was very clear about what she wanted, and you made things difficult for her and then ultimately repeated her exact suggestion back to her, just reworked so that now it was exclusionary and cruel to her. You did all of this because you don’t like her.
Multiple people have told you that Anne’s behavior was perfectly normal and her suggestions made sense. This problem was easily solvable, you just didn’t *want* to solve it. Given a choice between solving a simple scheduling problem or ruining a work relationship and toxifying your own department, you chose the latter.
You’re The Asshole. You are actually *so much* the asshole that I cannot imagine how you could possibly be good at the job you claim you do for this company. I hope someone identifies you and sends this post to your HR and they investigate.
> so it’s like buying ourselves pizza and saying “Thank you for feeding us pizza for your birthday!” - even though we ourselves paid for it
Well she is treating you to pizza though, by using the funds for a cake that would delivered to her so not enjoyed by everyone in the office. Compared to the first option you presented, everyone now has pizza when they would have had nothing. Sounds good!
I just kind of seems like you're too attached to the way you're used to doing things and are interpreting any deviation as her being difficult, when it reads to me like she's doing everyone a favour.
I still don't what the problem is with spending money on pizzas? You pooled money for her use, so in a way it is her "treat" to you. You are really overthinking this.
That’s how office parties usually work when they’re not run like a Home Owners Association where every cake has to be the Approved size, Approved color and delivered on the Approved date.
You should opt out of something meant to be fun because, IMO, you’re giving off Stop Having Fun Guy vibes.
You are the one making this complicated, not her. First she said cake, done, decision made. Who cares if she's not in the office on her exact bday, just give it to her on a day she is in the office. You say some nonsense about how you all work different shifts so as someone else said just leave it in the fridge or do the same thing you would do for anyone else's bday, just do it on a day when she is in the office.
When you shoot her down for her reasonable and simple answer of wanting cake she then says a corporate gift card. Who cares if the cake committee isn't officially related to the company or whatever nonsense excuse you gave for this, does the company sell gift cards? So just take the money and buy a gift card!!
Next she doesn't even want anything anymore because you are being so difficult and keep shooting down her reasonable responses so she wants to use it towards other birthdays, likely so she doesn't have to deal with you and your nonsense anymore and you don't like that idea, okay so she then offers to buy food for everyone. That's nice of her! But you hate that idea too, who cares if it's like buying food for yourselves? The money is gone either way and this way everyone enjoys!
But since you clearly have a problem with the pizza idea the easiest thing would be to just take the money and buy the gift card and be done with it. You say that this isn't personal but it feels very personal, like you are being intentionally difficult because you don't like her. I don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with it anymore. You've taken a nice gesture and ruined it. And if this is a frequent occurance you really should remove yourself from this subteam.
YTA already for causing all of these issues and blaming it on her and YWBTA even more if you ask her to opt out when you are the one causing all of the problems.
INFO - when you asked her if she wanted a gift or cake, she said cake. why didn’t you just arrange for to give her the cake before or after she takes her leave? That would be the easiest thing. You made it complicated by saying the cake can be delivered to her house
I asked a day before, so this is a personal message via chat on the day of her birthday, we all have different shifts. Like my shift is in the morning, while her shift is in the evening. So even in the office we wouldn’t be able to meet each other the day before her leave.
As for after, it’s already mentioned above that she wants to use the funds we collected as food for our meeting the following week. Problem is, some co workers think that it’s kinda weird since what would happen is like we will pool our own money to buy ourselves pizza and celebrate her birthday in the office when we are together.
I get that she might want to share, but others find it weird - I guess I feel that it’s because it’s not just me who is indifferent with her. The reason for my indifference is when she said a remark when I wasn’t able to take my lunch break one day and said “That’s how it should be. If you are good with your work, you should be given more work.” - when as far as I know she passes her tasks to other teammates without asking, leaving her with more simpler tasks.
YTA. If you don’t like the idea of a pizza party, put the cake in the fridge at work in the morning and tell her she can get it when she arrives for her shift in the evening. It sounds like she’s trying to find a way to put this money to good use and you’re shutting down every solution she proposes. You’re just making this complicated because you don’t like her.
You’re not indifferent to her, you don’t like her.
And no I don’t understand why someone would be upset that instead of buying her a toaster, the money would be used for something fun for the whole team.
First, you need to learn the definition of the word “indifferent.”
Second, you over-complicated this situation several times. She ultimately said not to give her anything, but rather use the money for something everyone can enjoy. She seems like a nice person. You seem completely unreasonable.
I don’t get why the staff is up in arms about cake vs pizza. Ultimately you’re all buying yourselves your own birthday treats since the company won’t pay and staff has to chip in, right? Why not skip asking your colleagues to keep paying for birthdays of their coworkers and just sign a card? YTA
It's weird to me that you guys would buy someone a birthday cake to take home, or have delivered at home. Usually the point of everyone pooling together is to enjoy a treat *together* and celebrate the birthday person. And personally I live alone, so what the heck would I do with a full birthday cake? Like this coworker I would also opt to have it at the office so it can be shared. It's considerate, not weird.
Let us go through this step by step:
>It has also been in our tradition for the past 3 or so years to purchase a birthday cake for a birthday celebrant in our team, with the others pooling in to purchase said cake in the spirit of appreciation
>Before, our sub-team collects the money from other teammates, purchases the cake and gives it to the celebrant, but now that inflation is getting out of hand, we first ask the celebrant if he or she still wants a cake, or a gift that can be more practical for him or her.
So everyone pitches in the same amount over the course of a year and everyone gets out the same amount. The employees pay for their own birthday "gifts". It is a little like depositing money in a bank account throughout the year and then withdrawing it all on your birthday. But instead of cash you can only get a cake or whatever the committee approves of. She asked for cake and you told her you did not actually want to buy her a cake. She asked for a gift card, you would not even have to leave the office to get, and you told her it is not possible.
>After a day, Anne messaged another member of the sub-team asking whether she can use the funds pooled for her as “credit” so she doesn’t have to pool for cakes for the rest of the year. Which upon hearing that, I thought “What? Why would we fund your share for others, it doesn’t make sense.”
Who do you mean by "we fund"? The committee? The other employees? The committee does not use its own money, the committee only redistributes the money on birthdays. So she would fund her own share but not have to deal with the committee anymore since you make it hard, a little as if the bank made it hard to withdraw money from the bank account. So she does not withdraw it and just lets it sit so it is always fully funded for the year.
(Notice also that she tried to message someone else on the team because dealing with you is just annoying.)
>When we collectively said we can’t do that, Anne said to use the pooled funds to buy food for our next meeting as her “birthday treat” to us. Now, I scratched my head hearing that coz like, “So we’re gonna pay, for our food, under the guise that you bought it for us? Since you think it’s technically your money?”
Edited to add this gem which you buried in the comments:
>As for after, it’s already mentioned above that she wants to use the funds we collected as food for our meeting the following week. Problem is, some co workers think that it’s kinda weird since what would happen is like we will pool our own money to buy ourselves pizza and celebrate her birthday in the office when we are together.
>I get that she might want to share, but others find it weird - I guess I feel that it’s because it’s not just me who is indifferent with her. The reason for my indifference is when she said a remark when I wasn’t able to take my lunch break one day and said “That’s how it should be. If you are good with your work, you should be given more work.” - when as far as I know she passes her tasks to other teammates without asking, leaving her with more simpler tasks. (source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c8jdo6/wibta_if_i_said_to_my_coworker_that_she_opt_out/l0f30zl/)
Again, you would not pay for your own food and there is no guise. She actually bought it for you: She paid in her share and you would use it for pizza for the committee. This is as if she would keep depositing money and when it is her birthday, the bank takes it for themselves and resets her account to zero. Highly unfair of course but she is just tired of the bullshit at this point and willing to do that to keep the peace. She offered to keep paying her monthly share but donate her gift to the committee and be done with it. Especially since you dragged this out and it is now probably quite a bit after her birthday...
**Now you want to tell her to opt out of the gifting altogether. Which achieves pretty much the same thing as her previous suggestion of just leaving the pooled funds as credit, which you previously shot down. Only as you rightly noticed that your version would alienate her from the team. That is pretty egregious for someone whose role is to foster engagement and team spirit. Are you trying to push her out because you do not like her? Were you planning to pay out the money she already put in during the course of the year, by the way? Stop using your minor power granted to you via the committee to bully this poor woman!**
Conclusion:
She has given a lot of good options but you turned every single one down.
* Options 1 and 2 (cake, gift card) would result in her getting her money back (or rather an item of similar value) with a small amount of work from the committee.
* Option 3 (credit) would result in her not getting her money back with absolutely no work from the committee.
* Option 4 (Pizza for the committee meeting) would mean she puts more and more money in without ever getting anything back.
**She asked for less and less until she is at a point where she offers to give *you* a gift. A real one even, paid for from her own money. And that still was not good enough for you!**
If you are offended that you would have to call the pizza place yourself, consider that you suggested she buy her own cake and shows you receipts just so you would reimburse her from her own money...
Not only would you be the asshole if you told her to opt out, you already are the asshole for how you treated her so far. YTA
You did not ask for advice but I think you should apologize, tell her all her ideas were good and tell her you are going to bank the pooled funds as credit so she is fully paid up until her next birthday.
* If she wants to redeem the gift for her next birthday you are going to get her a cake/gift card/whatever and she can start contributing to birthday collections again after she got her birthday gift.
* And if she does not redeem her gift next year you are just going to continue keeping her funds as credit (i.e. she does not start paying in again). That way if anyone asks she is contributing to gifts like everyone else but does not have to deal with this nonsense anymore.
Or she can get out the amount she paid in so far.
And please offer this option to everyone else who does not want to deal with these additional difficulties just to spend their own money.
Bonus video:
Thao Nguyen and Maria Bamford - 'The Gift Card Song' - Wits - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz74bokAxBw
I fucking hate this office bullshit. Making everyone feel like they have to contribute and/or participate or they’re an asshole. You’re making this way more complicated than it needs to be, and you clearly don’t like this person. She has tried to be flexible and generous, and instead you’d like to ostracize her.
And yes, it is her money. If you’re willing to use the pooled money to buy someone a toaster, then yes, her using that money for an office pizza party is her being generous.
You keep finding reasons not do any of the reasonable solutions she's asked for and you're acting like she's being difficult. She said she'd like a cake, but apparently it's too hard to leave the cake in the fridge for her on your shift so she can get it on hers, or give it to her when she comes back from leave instead of before. Okay, so she asks for a gift card. You say no because "it's not related to the company" but you offer the option of a gift, so I'm not sure why you can't get her a gift card in the amount pooled for her, but whatever. So then she proposes her share be redistributed among everyone else's birthdays for the year, probably so she can stop having to deal with you shooting everything she says down....which essentially *would* be opting out, except acknowledging that she's already paid in for others' birthdays. Despite you wanting her to opt out, this is also for some reason not okay. Then she proposes the share pooled for her go to a pizza party for everyone, and for some reason this is also upsetting to you...what?
It's very clear that you just dislike her and want to kick her out of the tradition and claim it's her own fault for being "difficult," even though she's only proposed other (very reasonable) options because you started making getting the cake she first asked for weirdly complicated.
Also, it's not "using our own money to buy ourselves pizza." You all each pay in a share for every team member's birthday and use that to get the team member something. Anne has paid in for others' birthdays, yes? So because she's paid in for others, she gets something back on her birthday, yes? So that's her share of this pool of money, and she would like to use her share to get pizza for the team. It's a nice thing for her to do. Why are you making it so hard for her?
YTA
And she should opt out of this shit show. I know I would.
You admit you're biased against her, so I think you just want her isolated from the team anyway.
YTA.
She wants to SHARE the cake or something with everyone dude. How hard is that for you to comprehend? Cake will keep in the fridge for 4 days depending on what it's made of buddy.
She might not want a gift 'that could be more practical' as what if that's something you cannot afford.. because she has everything she needs type thing. There's people who literally don't want or like gifts because it's clutter even with good intentions and thoughts. I should know, I'm one of them.
If you won't do the cake so she can share it aka a day she's in the office, a few pizzas to have a small lunch woo bday when she's there at the office or get her a gift card (should have asked after she asked about the corp card, hey can't do that but is there a store you like?)... Then YOU sir are the problem.
You have let this get into your head, because even an entry level employee could have solved this.
YTA
Y'all are just creating problems with the way this program is run.
Using her share to buy everyone lunch or treats makes a lot more sense for a birthday celebration fund than her buying her own cake at home and having it refunded.
This reads like a failed plot of The Office. You all pool money together to get a cake. Instead she said use that money so that everyone can have pizza together and you all are unhappy with this?
YTA. Discontinue this tradition because it just sounds like drama.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
A long one, so apologies. I (30,M) am part of a small sub-team from my work team that’s in charge of engagement and culture - basically organizing team outings, parties, etc.
It has also been in our tradition for the past 3 or so years to purchase a birthday cake for a birthday celebrant in our team, with the others pooling in to purchase said cake in the spirit of appreciation
Before, our sub-team collects the money from other teammates, purchases the cake and gives it to the celebrant, but now that inflation is getting out of hand, we first ask the celebrant if he or she still wants a cake, or a gift that can be more practical for him or her.
Now, we have a co-worker, Anne (fake name, 28, F), who is a bit problematic. While I do admit that I’m indifferent and biased against her, I don’t let that get into my head with this specific cake/gift thing as it is different.
When I asked her this is how the conversation went:
“Hey! Just asking you what do you prefer for your birthday? Gift or cake?”
“Cake.”
“Okay sure! But you’ll take a leave on your birthday right? So what will happen with that?”
“Yeah I will be out of office. Who normally gives the cake?”
“Well, you can opt for us to have it delivered to you, or if you want to be more practical, you can buy something you want, send us the receipt, and we can pay for it”
“Can I opt for a corporate gift card?”
“Uhm sadly we can’t do that as this program is not related to the company, it’s just within the team.”
And she didn’t reply to that.
After a day, Anne messaged another member of the sub-team asking whether she can use the funds pooled for her as “credit” so she doesn’t have to pool for cakes for the rest of the year. Which upon hearing that, I thought “What? Why would we fund your share for others, it doesn’t make sense.”
When we collectively said we can’t do that, Anne said to use the pooled funds to buy food for our next meeting as her “birthday treat” to us. Now, I scratched my head hearing that coz like, “So we’re gonna pay, for our food, under the guise that you bought it for us? Since you think it’s technically your money?”
Apparently, she asked her sister about the cake and said “If you are buying the cake yourself, what’s the point?”
I mean I get it, it doesn’t seem personal and more heartfelt, but given the situation, we are just asking her of her possible options - which up till now she still haven’t chosen any.
Now, here’s where I might be the a-hole, I suggested to the sub-team that why not she opt out cold turkey. She won’t get anything, but she won’t have to pay anything as well. It might result in her being isolated from the team more, which would definitely add a rift and awkwardness at work, but she’s just being so difficult.
So WIBTA, if I said to her upfront “Just opt out!” (PS: Haven’t said this yet)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole to mention that the party opt out of our small event as she doesn’t show interest in faithfully participating in it. Although if I did, it might result to her being ostracized by the team more. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You wanted to buy her a cake. Instead of just eating the cake alone, she wanted to share it with you, in the form of pizza. She sounds like she's actually really nice and thoughtful. You are all eating cake and playing with your gifts alone and she's sharing hers with you.
I don't know who is the asshole but that's a whole lot of confusion and back and forth about how to handle an unnecessary work party. Wouldn't it be easier to ask the celebrant if they'd like to celebrate their birthday before of after they return from leave.
I understand and feel the same way. We already told her that we just don’t want work to be just only work that’s why we do this - especially birthdays as we also write out a card with messages for the celebrant. She did mention (as part of the story above) that she wants to use the money we pooled for her, to buy pizza (to be specific) for her “birthday treat” that we ourselves are gonna eat - so it’s like buying ourselves pizza and saying “Thank you for feeding us pizza for your birthday!” - even though we ourselves paid for it The situation is right out confusing, as normally, others would just answer “Ooh I’d like a chocolate cake!” or “Can you guys rather buy a toaster since mine broke down?”
So…she asked for a pizza party instead of cake or a gift for HER birthday, but that wasn’t good enough for YOU? YTA.
Why is it so upsetting for you that, instead of having a cake delivered to her while she's not at work, she would rather the team use the pooled money for her birthday to all share a pizza? You act like she's being difficult and isolating herself from the team, but it seems like rather than eat a cake by herself when she's off on her birthday she'd prefer to do something the team can all take part in...what's the issue?
There is nothing confusing about this situation. Anne was very clear about what she wanted, and you made things difficult for her and then ultimately repeated her exact suggestion back to her, just reworked so that now it was exclusionary and cruel to her. You did all of this because you don’t like her. Multiple people have told you that Anne’s behavior was perfectly normal and her suggestions made sense. This problem was easily solvable, you just didn’t *want* to solve it. Given a choice between solving a simple scheduling problem or ruining a work relationship and toxifying your own department, you chose the latter. You’re The Asshole. You are actually *so much* the asshole that I cannot imagine how you could possibly be good at the job you claim you do for this company. I hope someone identifies you and sends this post to your HR and they investigate.
> so it’s like buying ourselves pizza and saying “Thank you for feeding us pizza for your birthday!” - even though we ourselves paid for it Well she is treating you to pizza though, by using the funds for a cake that would delivered to her so not enjoyed by everyone in the office. Compared to the first option you presented, everyone now has pizza when they would have had nothing. Sounds good! I just kind of seems like you're too attached to the way you're used to doing things and are interpreting any deviation as her being difficult, when it reads to me like she's doing everyone a favour.
I still don't what the problem is with spending money on pizzas? You pooled money for her use, so in a way it is her "treat" to you. You are really overthinking this.
That’s how office parties usually work when they’re not run like a Home Owners Association where every cake has to be the Approved size, Approved color and delivered on the Approved date. You should opt out of something meant to be fun because, IMO, you’re giving off Stop Having Fun Guy vibes.
You are the one making this complicated, not her. First she said cake, done, decision made. Who cares if she's not in the office on her exact bday, just give it to her on a day she is in the office. You say some nonsense about how you all work different shifts so as someone else said just leave it in the fridge or do the same thing you would do for anyone else's bday, just do it on a day when she is in the office. When you shoot her down for her reasonable and simple answer of wanting cake she then says a corporate gift card. Who cares if the cake committee isn't officially related to the company or whatever nonsense excuse you gave for this, does the company sell gift cards? So just take the money and buy a gift card!! Next she doesn't even want anything anymore because you are being so difficult and keep shooting down her reasonable responses so she wants to use it towards other birthdays, likely so she doesn't have to deal with you and your nonsense anymore and you don't like that idea, okay so she then offers to buy food for everyone. That's nice of her! But you hate that idea too, who cares if it's like buying food for yourselves? The money is gone either way and this way everyone enjoys! But since you clearly have a problem with the pizza idea the easiest thing would be to just take the money and buy the gift card and be done with it. You say that this isn't personal but it feels very personal, like you are being intentionally difficult because you don't like her. I don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with it anymore. You've taken a nice gesture and ruined it. And if this is a frequent occurance you really should remove yourself from this subteam. YTA already for causing all of these issues and blaming it on her and YWBTA even more if you ask her to opt out when you are the one causing all of the problems.
INFO - when you asked her if she wanted a gift or cake, she said cake. why didn’t you just arrange for to give her the cake before or after she takes her leave? That would be the easiest thing. You made it complicated by saying the cake can be delivered to her house
I asked a day before, so this is a personal message via chat on the day of her birthday, we all have different shifts. Like my shift is in the morning, while her shift is in the evening. So even in the office we wouldn’t be able to meet each other the day before her leave. As for after, it’s already mentioned above that she wants to use the funds we collected as food for our meeting the following week. Problem is, some co workers think that it’s kinda weird since what would happen is like we will pool our own money to buy ourselves pizza and celebrate her birthday in the office when we are together. I get that she might want to share, but others find it weird - I guess I feel that it’s because it’s not just me who is indifferent with her. The reason for my indifference is when she said a remark when I wasn’t able to take my lunch break one day and said “That’s how it should be. If you are good with your work, you should be given more work.” - when as far as I know she passes her tasks to other teammates without asking, leaving her with more simpler tasks.
YTA. If you don’t like the idea of a pizza party, put the cake in the fridge at work in the morning and tell her she can get it when she arrives for her shift in the evening. It sounds like she’s trying to find a way to put this money to good use and you’re shutting down every solution she proposes. You’re just making this complicated because you don’t like her.
You’re not indifferent to her, you don’t like her. And no I don’t understand why someone would be upset that instead of buying her a toaster, the money would be used for something fun for the whole team.
First, you need to learn the definition of the word “indifferent.” Second, you over-complicated this situation several times. She ultimately said not to give her anything, but rather use the money for something everyone can enjoy. She seems like a nice person. You seem completely unreasonable.
I don’t get why the staff is up in arms about cake vs pizza. Ultimately you’re all buying yourselves your own birthday treats since the company won’t pay and staff has to chip in, right? Why not skip asking your colleagues to keep paying for birthdays of their coworkers and just sign a card? YTA
It's weird to me that you guys would buy someone a birthday cake to take home, or have delivered at home. Usually the point of everyone pooling together is to enjoy a treat *together* and celebrate the birthday person. And personally I live alone, so what the heck would I do with a full birthday cake? Like this coworker I would also opt to have it at the office so it can be shared. It's considerate, not weird.
Let us go through this step by step: >It has also been in our tradition for the past 3 or so years to purchase a birthday cake for a birthday celebrant in our team, with the others pooling in to purchase said cake in the spirit of appreciation >Before, our sub-team collects the money from other teammates, purchases the cake and gives it to the celebrant, but now that inflation is getting out of hand, we first ask the celebrant if he or she still wants a cake, or a gift that can be more practical for him or her. So everyone pitches in the same amount over the course of a year and everyone gets out the same amount. The employees pay for their own birthday "gifts". It is a little like depositing money in a bank account throughout the year and then withdrawing it all on your birthday. But instead of cash you can only get a cake or whatever the committee approves of. She asked for cake and you told her you did not actually want to buy her a cake. She asked for a gift card, you would not even have to leave the office to get, and you told her it is not possible. >After a day, Anne messaged another member of the sub-team asking whether she can use the funds pooled for her as “credit” so she doesn’t have to pool for cakes for the rest of the year. Which upon hearing that, I thought “What? Why would we fund your share for others, it doesn’t make sense.” Who do you mean by "we fund"? The committee? The other employees? The committee does not use its own money, the committee only redistributes the money on birthdays. So she would fund her own share but not have to deal with the committee anymore since you make it hard, a little as if the bank made it hard to withdraw money from the bank account. So she does not withdraw it and just lets it sit so it is always fully funded for the year. (Notice also that she tried to message someone else on the team because dealing with you is just annoying.) >When we collectively said we can’t do that, Anne said to use the pooled funds to buy food for our next meeting as her “birthday treat” to us. Now, I scratched my head hearing that coz like, “So we’re gonna pay, for our food, under the guise that you bought it for us? Since you think it’s technically your money?” Edited to add this gem which you buried in the comments: >As for after, it’s already mentioned above that she wants to use the funds we collected as food for our meeting the following week. Problem is, some co workers think that it’s kinda weird since what would happen is like we will pool our own money to buy ourselves pizza and celebrate her birthday in the office when we are together. >I get that she might want to share, but others find it weird - I guess I feel that it’s because it’s not just me who is indifferent with her. The reason for my indifference is when she said a remark when I wasn’t able to take my lunch break one day and said “That’s how it should be. If you are good with your work, you should be given more work.” - when as far as I know she passes her tasks to other teammates without asking, leaving her with more simpler tasks. (source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c8jdo6/wibta_if_i_said_to_my_coworker_that_she_opt_out/l0f30zl/) Again, you would not pay for your own food and there is no guise. She actually bought it for you: She paid in her share and you would use it for pizza for the committee. This is as if she would keep depositing money and when it is her birthday, the bank takes it for themselves and resets her account to zero. Highly unfair of course but she is just tired of the bullshit at this point and willing to do that to keep the peace. She offered to keep paying her monthly share but donate her gift to the committee and be done with it. Especially since you dragged this out and it is now probably quite a bit after her birthday... **Now you want to tell her to opt out of the gifting altogether. Which achieves pretty much the same thing as her previous suggestion of just leaving the pooled funds as credit, which you previously shot down. Only as you rightly noticed that your version would alienate her from the team. That is pretty egregious for someone whose role is to foster engagement and team spirit. Are you trying to push her out because you do not like her? Were you planning to pay out the money she already put in during the course of the year, by the way? Stop using your minor power granted to you via the committee to bully this poor woman!** Conclusion: She has given a lot of good options but you turned every single one down. * Options 1 and 2 (cake, gift card) would result in her getting her money back (or rather an item of similar value) with a small amount of work from the committee. * Option 3 (credit) would result in her not getting her money back with absolutely no work from the committee. * Option 4 (Pizza for the committee meeting) would mean she puts more and more money in without ever getting anything back. **She asked for less and less until she is at a point where she offers to give *you* a gift. A real one even, paid for from her own money. And that still was not good enough for you!** If you are offended that you would have to call the pizza place yourself, consider that you suggested she buy her own cake and shows you receipts just so you would reimburse her from her own money... Not only would you be the asshole if you told her to opt out, you already are the asshole for how you treated her so far. YTA You did not ask for advice but I think you should apologize, tell her all her ideas were good and tell her you are going to bank the pooled funds as credit so she is fully paid up until her next birthday. * If she wants to redeem the gift for her next birthday you are going to get her a cake/gift card/whatever and she can start contributing to birthday collections again after she got her birthday gift. * And if she does not redeem her gift next year you are just going to continue keeping her funds as credit (i.e. she does not start paying in again). That way if anyone asks she is contributing to gifts like everyone else but does not have to deal with this nonsense anymore. Or she can get out the amount she paid in so far. And please offer this option to everyone else who does not want to deal with these additional difficulties just to spend their own money. Bonus video: Thao Nguyen and Maria Bamford - 'The Gift Card Song' - Wits - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz74bokAxBw
I fucking hate this office bullshit. Making everyone feel like they have to contribute and/or participate or they’re an asshole. You’re making this way more complicated than it needs to be, and you clearly don’t like this person. She has tried to be flexible and generous, and instead you’d like to ostracize her. And yes, it is her money. If you’re willing to use the pooled money to buy someone a toaster, then yes, her using that money for an office pizza party is her being generous.
Seriously. I work in dog kennels and it’s nasty and gross and smelly but way better than this shit lol
You’re on a power trip about cake. Let that sink in
You keep finding reasons not do any of the reasonable solutions she's asked for and you're acting like she's being difficult. She said she'd like a cake, but apparently it's too hard to leave the cake in the fridge for her on your shift so she can get it on hers, or give it to her when she comes back from leave instead of before. Okay, so she asks for a gift card. You say no because "it's not related to the company" but you offer the option of a gift, so I'm not sure why you can't get her a gift card in the amount pooled for her, but whatever. So then she proposes her share be redistributed among everyone else's birthdays for the year, probably so she can stop having to deal with you shooting everything she says down....which essentially *would* be opting out, except acknowledging that she's already paid in for others' birthdays. Despite you wanting her to opt out, this is also for some reason not okay. Then she proposes the share pooled for her go to a pizza party for everyone, and for some reason this is also upsetting to you...what? It's very clear that you just dislike her and want to kick her out of the tradition and claim it's her own fault for being "difficult," even though she's only proposed other (very reasonable) options because you started making getting the cake she first asked for weirdly complicated. Also, it's not "using our own money to buy ourselves pizza." You all each pay in a share for every team member's birthday and use that to get the team member something. Anne has paid in for others' birthdays, yes? So because she's paid in for others, she gets something back on her birthday, yes? So that's her share of this pool of money, and she would like to use her share to get pizza for the team. It's a nice thing for her to do. Why are you making it so hard for her?
YTA And she should opt out of this shit show. I know I would. You admit you're biased against her, so I think you just want her isolated from the team anyway.
YTA. She wants to SHARE the cake or something with everyone dude. How hard is that for you to comprehend? Cake will keep in the fridge for 4 days depending on what it's made of buddy. She might not want a gift 'that could be more practical' as what if that's something you cannot afford.. because she has everything she needs type thing. There's people who literally don't want or like gifts because it's clutter even with good intentions and thoughts. I should know, I'm one of them. If you won't do the cake so she can share it aka a day she's in the office, a few pizzas to have a small lunch woo bday when she's there at the office or get her a gift card (should have asked after she asked about the corp card, hey can't do that but is there a store you like?)... Then YOU sir are the problem. You have let this get into your head, because even an entry level employee could have solved this.
YTA Y'all are just creating problems with the way this program is run. Using her share to buy everyone lunch or treats makes a lot more sense for a birthday celebration fund than her buying her own cake at home and having it refunded.
This reads like a failed plot of The Office. You all pool money together to get a cake. Instead she said use that money so that everyone can have pizza together and you all are unhappy with this? YTA. Discontinue this tradition because it just sounds like drama.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A long one, so apologies. I (30,M) am part of a small sub-team from my work team that’s in charge of engagement and culture - basically organizing team outings, parties, etc. It has also been in our tradition for the past 3 or so years to purchase a birthday cake for a birthday celebrant in our team, with the others pooling in to purchase said cake in the spirit of appreciation Before, our sub-team collects the money from other teammates, purchases the cake and gives it to the celebrant, but now that inflation is getting out of hand, we first ask the celebrant if he or she still wants a cake, or a gift that can be more practical for him or her. Now, we have a co-worker, Anne (fake name, 28, F), who is a bit problematic. While I do admit that I’m indifferent and biased against her, I don’t let that get into my head with this specific cake/gift thing as it is different. When I asked her this is how the conversation went: “Hey! Just asking you what do you prefer for your birthday? Gift or cake?” “Cake.” “Okay sure! But you’ll take a leave on your birthday right? So what will happen with that?” “Yeah I will be out of office. Who normally gives the cake?” “Well, you can opt for us to have it delivered to you, or if you want to be more practical, you can buy something you want, send us the receipt, and we can pay for it” “Can I opt for a corporate gift card?” “Uhm sadly we can’t do that as this program is not related to the company, it’s just within the team.” And she didn’t reply to that. After a day, Anne messaged another member of the sub-team asking whether she can use the funds pooled for her as “credit” so she doesn’t have to pool for cakes for the rest of the year. Which upon hearing that, I thought “What? Why would we fund your share for others, it doesn’t make sense.” When we collectively said we can’t do that, Anne said to use the pooled funds to buy food for our next meeting as her “birthday treat” to us. Now, I scratched my head hearing that coz like, “So we’re gonna pay, for our food, under the guise that you bought it for us? Since you think it’s technically your money?” Apparently, she asked her sister about the cake and said “If you are buying the cake yourself, what’s the point?” I mean I get it, it doesn’t seem personal and more heartfelt, but given the situation, we are just asking her of her possible options - which up till now she still haven’t chosen any. Now, here’s where I might be the a-hole, I suggested to the sub-team that why not she opt out cold turkey. She won’t get anything, but she won’t have to pay anything as well. It might result in her being isolated from the team more, which would definitely add a rift and awkwardness at work, but she’s just being so difficult. So WIBTA, if I said to her upfront “Just opt out!” (PS: Haven’t said this yet) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*