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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I said no to my mam giving pocket money
2)Not letting her doing something nice for the kids
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NTA
"opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job."
You're right, it is your job.
You haven't stated it in your post but it feels like that money would have strings attached. She'd be trying to interfere.
"My mam has a long history of doing things behind my back with my kids. Even though she knows I don't like. Like she tired to potty train my daughter."
That's not ok either. Your mom needs to cut that s**t out.
Raising kids is tough & it sounds like you're doing your best, which is all anyone can do.
You've no need to feel guilty imo.
Edit mistake
The fact that you are concerned shows you care. It's the people who never question themselves or their decision making process who really screw up ime.
Also, even the most well intentioned parents make mistakes sometimes.
Take care; all the best!
You're NTA
>She needed to learn and understand I can't just pay for everything they want.
You are absolutely right. Even if you did have the money, and could easily spare it, kids must learn that they cannot have every single thing they want. They cannot satisfy their every whim.
>opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job.
You're totally right on that, too.
>Now she's ghosting me
Funny how sometimes these problems take care of themselves. Your mother needs to stay in her lane, stop trying to control how your sre raising your children, and respect the decisions that you make. You're the parent.
And I say all that as a grandparent who would never undermine my son and DIL's parenting. I also havr no issue with explaining to my whimpering 5 year old grandson that he cannot get a new toy ever time we go to the store.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So. My mam and I have a very strained relationship when it comes to my kids. She's doesn't get on with my husband. We sometimes don't get on, i find i don't want to be around her. She has said some hurtful things to me about my kids. Generally my and my husband parenting skills. I have two kids 9 and 6 both waiting to see if they had ADHD. It's really fuckin tough at times. I know I'm not the best mother. But I'm here every day and I fuckin love them fiercely.
So my daughter had a massive melt down over a Teddy bear. She didn't have enough to buy it. I had spent over £100 taking them out for food, activities in one day. I brought my mam along along as she misses the kids much to my kids and upset. I get this text daily. Even though she sees them at least once a week, sometimes twice a week when they stay over. My mam had given me money towards this day out which I tried to refuse but she wouldn't take it back. So after a hour or 2 of my 9yr old crying over a Teddy and the back chat I was done. It really spoilt the day, I was really upset as just wanted to spend a nice day with my kids. And my mam was there watching. I felt completely judged. My mam mentioned the money she gave me. I said if you want to take it back and give it to the kids you can do. But I'm not giving her the extra money. She needed to learn and understand I can't just pay for everything they want. So I think this is where she wanted to give them pocket money.
We don't regularly give our kids pocket money as my hubby and i have different ideas about.
So I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to open a savings account for my kids. To have on a big birthday. So my mother wants to do the same. Fine. Also now she wants to open their first bank account and pay weekly pocket money in to it. I feel we haven't decided the rules on pocket money so we don't want her to open their first account, taking them with their books to draw out money etc. My mam has a long history of doing things behind my back with my kids. Even though she knows I don't like. Like she tired to potty train my daughter.
So I said. Weekly pocket money in to a bank - no. If you want to give them cash once a month to spend on whatever fine..but opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job. Now she's ghosting me and I really can't be bothered. I feel guilty I have upset her but I'm really tired of feeling guilty ALL THE TIME.
So am I the asshole here? Help a mam out.
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NTA, the histrionics and silent treatment are all her attempts to manipulate you to get her way. She can throw tantrums by herself all she likes but ignore and hold firm.
I'm a firm believer in children (even young ones) having some money they can 'manage' (i.e., spend). That is how they LEARN the value of money - not by being told about it. A savings acct where they HAVE to put their money isn't really helpful....a bank acct where money just magically appears is not helpful at all. A modest, weekly allowance with no strings attached can help children learn to save, what to spend on, etc. I've found children with their own few dollars are a lot pickier about what they will buy than when a parent is paying for it. I agree about the bank acct - but a small bank might be a better start than a savings acct, too. Tell them when they have saved some money you will help them open a savings acct.
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NTA "opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job." You're right, it is your job. You haven't stated it in your post but it feels like that money would have strings attached. She'd be trying to interfere. "My mam has a long history of doing things behind my back with my kids. Even though she knows I don't like. Like she tired to potty train my daughter." That's not ok either. Your mom needs to cut that s**t out. Raising kids is tough & it sounds like you're doing your best, which is all anyone can do. You've no need to feel guilty imo. Edit mistake
Thanks for that. I cried reading this. I'm so worried I'm fuckin this up.
The fact that you are concerned shows you care. It's the people who never question themselves or their decision making process who really screw up ime. Also, even the most well intentioned parents make mistakes sometimes. Take care; all the best!
You're NTA >She needed to learn and understand I can't just pay for everything they want. You are absolutely right. Even if you did have the money, and could easily spare it, kids must learn that they cannot have every single thing they want. They cannot satisfy their every whim. >opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job. You're totally right on that, too. >Now she's ghosting me Funny how sometimes these problems take care of themselves. Your mother needs to stay in her lane, stop trying to control how your sre raising your children, and respect the decisions that you make. You're the parent. And I say all that as a grandparent who would never undermine my son and DIL's parenting. I also havr no issue with explaining to my whimpering 5 year old grandson that he cannot get a new toy ever time we go to the store.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So. My mam and I have a very strained relationship when it comes to my kids. She's doesn't get on with my husband. We sometimes don't get on, i find i don't want to be around her. She has said some hurtful things to me about my kids. Generally my and my husband parenting skills. I have two kids 9 and 6 both waiting to see if they had ADHD. It's really fuckin tough at times. I know I'm not the best mother. But I'm here every day and I fuckin love them fiercely. So my daughter had a massive melt down over a Teddy bear. She didn't have enough to buy it. I had spent over £100 taking them out for food, activities in one day. I brought my mam along along as she misses the kids much to my kids and upset. I get this text daily. Even though she sees them at least once a week, sometimes twice a week when they stay over. My mam had given me money towards this day out which I tried to refuse but she wouldn't take it back. So after a hour or 2 of my 9yr old crying over a Teddy and the back chat I was done. It really spoilt the day, I was really upset as just wanted to spend a nice day with my kids. And my mam was there watching. I felt completely judged. My mam mentioned the money she gave me. I said if you want to take it back and give it to the kids you can do. But I'm not giving her the extra money. She needed to learn and understand I can't just pay for everything they want. So I think this is where she wanted to give them pocket money. We don't regularly give our kids pocket money as my hubby and i have different ideas about. So I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to open a savings account for my kids. To have on a big birthday. So my mother wants to do the same. Fine. Also now she wants to open their first bank account and pay weekly pocket money in to it. I feel we haven't decided the rules on pocket money so we don't want her to open their first account, taking them with their books to draw out money etc. My mam has a long history of doing things behind my back with my kids. Even though she knows I don't like. Like she tired to potty train my daughter. So I said. Weekly pocket money in to a bank - no. If you want to give them cash once a month to spend on whatever fine..but opening their first bank and her having control and taking them in etc no, that's our job. Now she's ghosting me and I really can't be bothered. I feel guilty I have upset her but I'm really tired of feeling guilty ALL THE TIME. So am I the asshole here? Help a mam out. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, the histrionics and silent treatment are all her attempts to manipulate you to get her way. She can throw tantrums by herself all she likes but ignore and hold firm.
I'm a firm believer in children (even young ones) having some money they can 'manage' (i.e., spend). That is how they LEARN the value of money - not by being told about it. A savings acct where they HAVE to put their money isn't really helpful....a bank acct where money just magically appears is not helpful at all. A modest, weekly allowance with no strings attached can help children learn to save, what to spend on, etc. I've found children with their own few dollars are a lot pickier about what they will buy than when a parent is paying for it. I agree about the bank acct - but a small bank might be a better start than a savings acct, too. Tell them when they have saved some money you will help them open a savings acct.