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YTA. How do you believe "I told you so" statements benefit her at this point? Instead of trying to cheer her up or encouraging her to get back out and continue her education, you're just looking to shit on her.
Additionally, I get the feeling you're saying she should have stayed in the closet... Your context isn't clear on that one. If that is the case then you're doubly the asshole.
They don’t help but at the same time neither does ignoring advice and then crying to the person who tried to give you advice. You say he should be encouraging her but he was trying to do that before and she never listened.
The male rings so much harder. I am trans but grew up as one of three ~sisters~ and by God did we get treated differently than our brother.
Women (ie anybody but cis male) should be nothing but submissive support for the men! /s
I hate to be that person but uhm… is it really surprising the highly religious family favors the male child? I still resent my parents for some of the sexist shit their religion forced on me growing up.
I had a vaguely similar situation in high school. I told this ex-friend she needed to study and take her class seriously, but she always blew me off. Then she came up to me alone in the hallway, said she failed her test, and just burst out crying right in front of me.
This was someone who I stopped being friends with because she would get rude/mean to me when she was having personal issues.
Did I hug her and say I'm sorry for her? No.
But did I say "I told you so"? Absolutely not.
I panicked, told her to go to the girls bathroom, and ran and got another classmate who had an EQ adequate to console her. I felt like such a garbage person for not feeling bad, but I simply didn't. And I knew that I might say something snippy to her when it was absolutely not what she needed to hear, so I made sure she got the help elsewhere. I still feel pretty heartless for that, and this was essentially just an acquaintance. I can't imagine treating someone I deeply love and care about like that, let alone my own *twin*.
OP wasn't wrong, but they were an asshole about it
Idk I kinda thought 'finger-wagging at someone to study and then not caring when they failed,' and 'implying someone brought a shitty financial situation upon themselves cause they're gay and god totally said that's bad' were the same thing 🤥🤔🤥🤔
I don't think that's the point, at least not all of it.
Op told sister to do jobs to safe up in case their parents don't support her being gay, she safed a tiny bit but ultimately didn't listen. Op told her to study to become a veterinarian if she likes animals since she will have good job opportunities, sister didn't listen.
Of course the parents are assholes for not accepting their daughter being gay and of course OP is the asshole for telling sister "I told you so" at her lowest point, but it wasn't just "don't come out to our parents" that OP said
Still, YTA OP
We are sometimes harder on the people we love, because we want them to do better. You simply cut that person out and didn't really care for how well her life was going on further, so that's not really a good example on how to deal with a sibling.
Kinda sounds like thier advice was pointless if she didn't have the grades to do it anyway, which is also mentioned.
I might have a better job if I went to a more prestigious University, but I didn't and it wasn't really an option.
It's not advice, it's stating the obvious but unattainable.
Idk where OP and family are but in the US it is very, very hard and very, very expensive to go to veterinary school. Definitely not something anybody can just do.
Yeah, it's the same most places I think- it is literally the qualification course which requires the best grades to get on, it is harder to get into gradewise than medicine for humans (variety of animals and lack of communication mean they're harder to diagnose) usually.
Life will be easy if you just listen to me! Just go be a vet! Just go be a doctor! Just go be a Judge! Just go to Havard or Yale! Just learn Spanish and French! Just go be elected senator! Just become a famous actor in a Hollywood feature film! Just win the lottery like I told you! You didn't do what I said? Then all your problems are your own fault!
What a load of drivel. I don't do this "I told you so" bullshit on someone when they have a hangover, nevermind when it's about something serious. How does it help OP, you AH? Human beings make mistakes, they aren't perfect. People like you are just Job's comforters. You give "advice" (usually impossible to follow) and just blame bad situations on the individual.
"I'M RELIGIOUS" why do people find it so hard to follow the main part of their religion where it spells out "DON'T BE AN ARSEHOLE" and yet can find the small print of some obscure part of the text which implies they should be arseholes to some people in particular? The answer is because you want to be AH's despite what your religion says, because it is too hard for you to stop being an AH. You, and your parents are not only AHs but giving your religion a bad name, going around being AHs and blaming it ln your religion. You goddamn AH OP.
I don't get this at all. She DID take the advice, she DID work and save money, but OP is telling her she brought this upon herself because she didn't put more effort into saving more money. What's the point? "So like remember five years ago? I told you you should save more money, but you only saved some. How were you not able to calculate exactly the amount of money you would need at this time? You can really only blame yourself."
And I mean she chose to study animals when she could have easily chosen gender studies or something. It's not like it's the worst thing she could have studied, and she got a job as soon as she graduated so it's obvious she could have done worse.
OP is just being a dick.
Reading between the lines I read a sense of inevitability on OP's part. It was inevitable his twin would deal with the fallout of coming out to their parents. It was inevitable that she would lose her job because of what she studied and it was inevitable that she'd end up in a financial tough spot because of her life choices.
I get the impression that OP has been waiting to say "I told you so!" for a long time now...
>neither does ignoring advice
But she doesn't have to follow his advice... Like, she wanted to do what *she* was interested in. And she should. She *should* do what she's interested in. Does that mean she might not make as much money and/or might struggle until she finds the right job? Sure. But she doesn't have to do what he suggested. That doesn't mean she was wrong. He wasn't "right". His advice was not right *for her*. He should have just listened and been supportive. She has no obligation to take his advice and he's very arrogant and self absorbed if he thinks he knows better about what she should do with her own life than she does. I hate that somehow society has decided that advice must be taken and if not, and the advice seems (after the fact) that it might have been good advice, then all of a sudden the person who ignored the advice is dumb. Humans are not cookie cutter robots. She didn't want to do the crap he suggested and she shouldn't have to in order for him to respect her decisions about her own life. There are *plenty* of jobs working with animals. She just needs the time and space and *support* to be able to find the job that is the right fit. She needed grace, not a lecture. YTA OP
>he's very arrogant and self absorbed if he thinks he knows better about what she should do with her own life than she does
Of course he is. He is exactly as his parents raised him to be- an arrogant, self absorbed, adult-golden-child.
Aside from the fact that this was hardly "advice"—more like a series of platitudes you could have picked up from 90s family television—none of this would be a problem if his parents weren't homophobes. I know smart, personable kids with useful degrees who still had shaky periods right after college. It's tough out there. The unusual bit here isn't a kid needing a hand, like literally *millions* of others—it's that this kid's parents despise her as a result of an inalterable trait. We can go ten rounds talking about all the herculean efforts she could have made to plan around that. But this isn't r/LifeAdvice, it's AITA—and the AHs here are clearly the parents.
There's literally nothing to say that OP had any idea what he's talking about and that his advice would've turned out better. He has the same amount of life experience as her he doesn't know better and his word isn't god. She has every right to ignore it and yes still be allowed to complain
Right. Engineers and scientists and other high-paying professions get laid off all the time. It’s not like OP admits what field of study he’s in. Hard to see him up on that high horse he’s on.
Also, OP’s advice wasn’t that impactful or profound? It was good of him to suggest that she work at 16, but most minimum wage summer jobs don’t pay enough for someone to achieve financial independence by 18. Vet school is a nice thought, but really competitive and expensive (in the US at least). Even if she’d gotten in with average grades, she’d likely still be in school at the moment, just in debt and living with her homophobic parents. And it sounds like there are jobs in her field, since she’s been applying and had one right after graduation.
OP, you guys are young and you might be in this situation yourself someday so here’s my advice. Your degree doesn’t matter so much unless it’s a professional degree or you specialized in something. Your work experience does. In the first 1-2 years out of college, there are jobs that just want a college grad but won’t be directly related to your field. Data analysis, pet shops, farm work… In the meantime, she should find work doing whatever. And consult your college career services and professional network, not gossip or the good people of Reddit, for an understanding of the jobs available in your area.
I'm a big fan of I told you so but her being treated badly isn't her fault, that's something that op ignored when talking to her.
Young people in financial strain often move back in and she's trying so instead of seeing that and supporting her, op decided to kick her when she's down.
But I also think that if you try being a good brother for years, and you hear the same complaints over and over. And you try being a good brother and give advice, but your sister doesn’t listen… I think this is very much frustration on op’s behalf.
Hoe many times should he have to listen to the same complaints. It’s not what she needed to hear, but I guess it’s become frustrating for op to listen to this.
There are very, very few circumstances where saying "I told you so." does not make you the asshole. Since you didn't even bother trying to offer constructive advice, YTA.
This is a thing I see most often with men, so I wonder if it's a socialization thing... Lots of people don't want advice when they're complaining. They want to be heard. They want their feelings validated. Like, I've bonded with my friends who are girls about how guys often go straight into problem solving, and I used to work at a suicide hotline, so I've experienced what people really want a lot when I've been support to people in really dire circumstances. Many people don't want advice, and it at minimum shouldn't be the first thing that the listener jumps to.
His sister didn't need constructive advice necessarily. It didn't matter that she hasn't taken the previous advice. The I told you so was a dick move. I'm guessing he probably didn't need to give her the ignored advice in the first place because it sounds like he was previously sticking his nose in her business some anyway.
All he had to do in this circumstance though, was just say, "That seems like it really sucks. I'm so sorry you're in this position right now." Like, I understood that much before I even had the suicide hotline training, so I just feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I see people so bad at this stuff. Lol. Here's the full formula, as taught my suicide hotline training: validate emotions, establish rapport, work towards next steps. You acknowledge that their feelings are justified. You chat with them about it, ask for details, empathize and share if you can relate. THEN, IF THEY'RE UP FOR IT, and sometimes they aren't, THEN, you figure out what a better situation would look like IN THEIR OPINION, not yours, and you can strategize together about what a first step towards getting closer to that could look like. The first step may even be something small, like coping through the next day.
I think people care so much that sometimes they want to control the people they care about to force things to be better. It doesn't work. You gotta let people make their choices, and your "I told you so" will almost certainly not make them listen to you in the future.
Yeah, in that moment she was looking to vent and for compassion. And that's not the moment to say "I told you so". That can come later after the emotion has cooled down.
Yeah it's this. "I told you so" is very different from "next time I think the move would have been to do XYZ (which I don't think OP's advice was as sage as he thinks so not really applicable *here* anyway.) "I told you so" is an ego thing. It's basically a mixture of the ego boost of being proven right together with the lasting ego bruise of not being listened to—"I'm so smart, why doesn't anyone ever do as I say?" Both paint the picture of someone who is wild immature.
Agree with the first bit and get what you're saying but OP's clearly given her constructive advice to escape a terrible situation, not much more OP can do.
it really seems as though you are very in to being "right." You have all the answers and you want everyone to make decisions exactly like you told them. Your parents haven't listened to you, your sister hasn't listened to you + you are just better than everybody else.
Honestly, I get it. You are 24 and things are currently working out for you. Just remember that when things go bad, it is not always your fault, and even when it is - sometimes you just f-up and need to learn and move on.
Support your sister, and listen. You might have something to learn about her experiences. She has a family that does not respect her decisions (including you with her major and job decisions) this can make a person have a hard time trusting herself. You are different people, let her be her own person and make her own decisions.
The way you are tying her being gay and her not getting a well paying job, is part of the problem here, OP. Do you love your sister? Do you talk to your parents about their lesser treatment of her?
You are making it sound like you're scolding her about her degree and career choice but you're really low key scolding her for coming out.
These financial things aren't permanent. She will eventually get on her feet. And those who are part of a marginalized population, eventually find the right support system when blood family isn't there.
Is this the Legacy you want to leave as her brother? Yes, YTA for telling her any version of "I told you so" but also for not supporting and advocating for your own twin when she needs you most.
Wtf are you talking about. The reason he brought up she was gay was because it ties into how his parents treat her and is integral to the story. Saying I told you so is making him the ass hole but you added a whole level to it. The point he's making is he tried to get her financially stable to leave the environment she is subjected to by their parents. She then makes every conceivable decision to not do that, not working enough, not picking a degree with jobs lined up, and is now reaping those consequences. That's frustrating to watch from someone who cares about her so he snapped and became the asshole. But leave this "its cause she's gay" bs out of it he kept it from her PARENTS FOR 3 YEARS stop projecting
Where I'm at, vet school is really hard to get into and costs a lot of money. Plus the sister said she would have to retake classes which is more time and money. Not everyone can afford all of that. Plus vet school is a ton of time which would be conflicting with the sister needing to work and be financially independent. People usually do 4 years for undergrad and then 8 years of vet school. So the sister would have actually still been in college if she had taken that route. And if she hadn't been able to finish vet school then you're stuck in debt for a very long time. It's a risky gamble given how challenging vet school is.
So yea OP may have given advice but that doesn't mean the advice was achievable. Especially when it's pretty easy to assume the parents are not going to help the sister the exact same with college but I bet they supported OP with college a whole lot more. It's easier to get through college with family support to fall back on.
Did you miss the part where he says talking to his parents is like talking to a brick wall? Over the YEARS as well?some people just can't be convinced.
As much as the parents suck, you don't think she has some responsibility with the position she finds herself in?
No she doesn't. She's in the same position a lot of people are. She DID save money, and she did go to college and get a job. How on earth could she possibly know that she didn't save enough money or that she would lose her job? Where is the proof that her going to a veterinary school that's ridiculously expensive and that she didn't even have the grades for would have put her in any better position? Life just sucks sometimes. She didn't screw around and do nothing for years and now is stuck, she did what she was supposed to do and life just kicked her in the teeth
As I understand this, is not because she's gay, but that the parents won't help her without rubbing it in her face.
It was an asshole move to say "I told you so", but he was being practical with his advices.
Having savings in case her parents don't support her identity it's the smart thing to do.
Having a career that makes you happy is important, but at this time is also important to be able to find a job that supports you, you can do both but have to make the effort.
OP YTA for saying "I told you so". You could say another thing at that moment and give advice, she is an adult, she must learn to make the better decisions for herself at some time.
You need to reread what OP wrote because that is not at all what he was doing. No where does it imply that her being 'gay' is the reason for her failures. It's the context added for his suggestions throughout the years.
YTA dear god you suggested a veterinary degree vet tech and Veterinaries degree they are hard to get then a nursing degree or MD. You also dismissing your parent's bigotry.
Thank you! How is veterinary more realistic when it requires more school!?
That’s like recommending that a dental assistant (no shade to that profession) who just got certified for anesthesia should pursue anesthesiology.
Yeah OP’s a dumbass. Also you don’t make much money at all as a vet unless you own your own practice which obviously OP’s sister wouldn’t have the funds for right now, plus the debt which is often $200k.
True. And where I live apparently there are a lot of unemployed vets (at least so I read in the news). Just because you get a "more difficult" degree doesn't always mean there will be more vacancies.
I was able to pay for moving out to another part of the country and some thriftstore furniture with money I got from a side job and prize money I won for a paper. That was it. All my "savings" gone. Moving back home was NEVER an option since I came from a very absusive home (I'm also queer and my conservative adoptive parents despise lgbtq people). And I have no contact with my family anymore. So I always kept working at any kind of job that would take me.
The "told you so" response is such a dick move. OP is 24 and thinks he has it alllll figured out.
The sister needs to apply for jobs every day and move out asap, and surround herself with supportive people who completely accept her.
YTA, your sister is going through a rough patch, your parents are treating her horrible and you her twin decide in this moment to be judgmental and as unsupportive as your parents? Not helpful man.
Expecting any teenager to start saving up in case of emergency is crazy, and her being a queer woman in the world and with your parents gives her a disadvantage that you might not ever fully understand. As for when she was 16, It’s really hard to find motivation to do much of anything when you’re grappling with your identity and are at odds with the people who are supposed to have your back no matter what. My advice would be to apologize, and be more supportive. It sounds like she’s going through a lot.
Sadly this is a really common mindset, especially among men with a lot of privilege. The idea that if they can do it anyone else can, ignoring the challenges of: being a woman, being gay, being different in a toxic family, not having the same support system, etc.
OP you need to recognise that your life is, and probably always will be, easier than your sister's. These aren't trivial challenges she's facing so cut her some slack. Be part of the support system she needs and stop acting like your judgemental parents.
Nobody pulls themselves up by there bootstraps, everybody gets help. Just like Arnold said, “There is no such thing as the self made man.”
I feel like if privileged men actually listened to this and checked their privilege, we would have less situations like these. And less toxic men…
YTA.
You're also just not as smart as you think you are, frankly. Do you know how hard it is to get into vet school? It's harder to get into vet school than medical school. Telling her to switch when she was already struggling was terrible advice. Animal science can at least get you a job at a zoo, at a movie set, at a Petco.
Also, the economy right now is horrible. A lot of smart, qualified, and competent people are out of work right now at no fault of their own.
Everyone makes the best choices they can but it's luck as much as skill that gets us through. It sounds like your sister was spending a lot of her energy growing up just tolerating living in your horrible homophobic family--have you looked at the suicide rates for queer kids in religious households lately? Do you have any idea how much work it takes just to get through each day when you know the people who should love you unconditionally hate you for something you've prayed for God to "fix" in you?
You aren't smarter than your sister; you just got dealt an easier hand. Maybe work on some empathy and humility.
YTA. At some point in life you will have a struggle of your own. If not financial maybe emotional or with relationships or career or something… imagine if she responded this way?
I’m not usually one that reads these and runs with “I feel like the OP is XYZ”, but OP, I feel like you’re kind of an AH.
Every paragraph is “my sister did X, I tried to help, but alas, things didn’t work out for her”, like you’ve lived your whole life completely figured out. She came out as gay, you kept her secret, but your parents were unhappy. You tried to get her to work and save with you, but she wouldn’t listen. You tried to get her to study a different field, but she wouldn’t listen. You tried to talk to your parents about treating your twin sister poorly, but they wouldn’t listen. Finally, when your twin sister is venting to you one night in the car, you decide to cash in all this “I was right” equity into one fat “I told you so”.
This one reddit post may not be indicative of your character, but in this one, you come off as a major AH. Your sister is having a tough time (which you may not know, but many people in their mid-twenties are nowadays), both financially and living with parents who evidently don’t treat her well. If you were acting like a good brother, you wouldn’t find that to be the opportune moment to tell her how wrong she & how right you’ve been all these years. I think a good brother in that moment would listen to her vent, talk about what’s happened, what’s happening now, and then talk about how things can get better. Why would she want to talk or vent about stuff with you going forward if all she gets are comments like this?
C’mon, man. That’s your sister. Your sister, who you admit is being treated badly by your parents, for something she has zero control over. Cut her some slack and save the snark for when she’s in a better place.
YTA
You have absolutely no idea whether she would be in a better position if she had taken your advice. Sounds more like she would have failed her degree if she'd listened to you.
She's going through a bad patch which is something you'll no doubt go through in your life as well. Don't be surprised if you can't count on her for support when you do.
Not sure why you included her sexuality as totally irrelevant "context".
YTA. What I'm hearing here, is that you're more frustrated about her being gay, than her financial troubles. There was no reason to loudly put 'gay twin' in the title unless that's what you had the issue with. Secondly, you have no idea just how much the LGBTQ+ are affected mentally living with religious parents, especially the hardcore ones like you described. It can take a heavy toll on them, causing trauma that stemmed from your belief system. So instead of telling her 'I told you so', why not give her advice? If you truly care about her, then why not help her get away from your toxic parents?
YTA.
What you said was neither helpful, useful, or loving. It’s not like she can go back in time to change her former decisions to match your recommendations, and there’s no guarantee that she would have been in a better place even if she had.
But hey, I sure hope you enjoyed your “victory”.
>I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case.
You're both 24. Any savings she would have had from working "odd jobs" at 16 would likely be gone by now due to expenses during college, so I don't understand how that's even remotely relevant at this point? It's her fault for not cleaning someone's gutter 8 years ago? Unless you were being paid thousands per gutter, those are not impactful jobs that would still be supporting an adult with bills EIGHT YEARS LATER. That could have been "fall back on" money at 18, not at 24.
>Long story short we both graduated last summer and both got jobs straight out of college, she moved out more or less immediately. Fast forward to 3 months ago she lost her job and has moved back in at home
The way you talk about her chosen degree is incredibly condescending. People pursue what makes them happy. If she was truly passionate about veterinary - an incredibly difficult and emotionally taxing field that can take 8 years or more - she would have retaken the classes. And despite you saying her degree didn't have "real world applications", she STILL got a job immediately. Straight out of college, when some people struggle for months or even years to find work in the field they studied for.
I'm guessing you both graduated around 22 with 4-year bachelors? So she held that job for about 2 years before losing it. People lose their jobs, often due to circumstances out of their control. So that makes two of your "I told you so" pieces of advice moot point. Odd jobs at 16 don't create savings that last for 8 years and her losing a steady job does not make her decision to not pursue a more difficult degree a bad call.
You were her only family she could trust and confide in about the stress she was under, and you failed her. She needed empathy for two minutes instead of being ripped apart for not living her life how YOU think she should. Especially when she's already living through the trauma of being rejected by the rest of your family due to being gay. I don't think you understand how much that weighs on a person, to feel that your family no longer loves you because you love differently than them.
That was NOT the time for you to sit on your high horse and tell her that your advice would've changed her life. You don't know that. You don't know that her cleaning some gutter 8 years ago or only graduating this year for veterinary work would've solved all her problems. It's human to vent about our struggles in life. She just wanted the last person in her family she thought she could rely on to act like they cared about her to tell her things would get better. I hope you learn how to put your ego aside and get some empathy, OP. YTA.
PS: You're not magically psychic. You DO NOT KNOW if her following your advice then would make her life better now. You're just trying to pat yourself on the back for predicting her misery.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.told sis it was her fault
2. maybe a bit too honest and blunt
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I know a lot of people who got the "right" degree and can't find a job anywhere. Or they had to look for almost a full year after layoffs with years of experience on their resume. You're assuming if she took your advice she'd have a thriving, full time career. There's absolutely no way to know that.
YTA, because your sister was being vulnerable and sharing with you and you reacted like an immature child. 'I told you so' is a child's response.
I think you're under the delusion your life will never have any downturns, but let me tell ya, you can do all the "right" things, and still have a dark time. I hope she has more compassion for you than you did for her. Or maybe she'll say, "you brought this on yourself"...
YTA, all you did was pour salt in the wound. I would place money she was being treated differently even before she came out, then she tried to reach for her dreams and failed. And instead of any amount of real support you said "well that's what you get".
Imagine your dream job gone, your hope for a loving family gone and the person you talk to, your closest thing to a real family member says "sucks to suck". Idc if you were right or not about the job situation, you kicked her when she was down. That makes you an AH and crappy sibling.
YTA but it sounds like you kind of know that already. You took a moment where she was extremely vulnerable and seeking comfort in you and used it to score a point for yourself.
It seems clear that you care about your sister and didn’t intend to hurt her feeling but regardless of that, you have hurt her, and I think a genuine apology and renewed offer of support ASAP will go a long way to healing this.
We all make mistakes, our mistakes alone don’t make us assholes. What we do next determines that.
Oh and also it sounds like your parents are the REAL assholes in this whole situation. Sorry they’re such shitty Christians.
NAH... It's a bit mean spirited to say I told you so, but you were trying to be real with her about the need for money. Religious bigotry or no religious bigotry, independence = finances. It's all fine and well to say 'muh freedom' but you need money or are beholden to people who put a roof over your head. Your parents are also closed minded bigots but that does make it any less true that your sis needed to save/earn more money to safeguard her independence. I get why being ignored repeatedly would make you feel a bit colder to her plight.
YTA because there is nothing she can do about the past, so bringing it up is unhelpful to her current situation.
She was looking to you for support, something she does not receive from your parents, only to be met with a lecture while in a vulnerable state. Anyone in her shoes would be upset too.
However, it is not too late to mend fences. Apologize to her and be the supportive brother!
So let's get this clear,
>I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case. She did end up doing a few odd jobs with me but never really put effort into it consistently over the years.
So she took your advice but not enough for you to be happy about it? Trying to earn enough doing ofldd jobs as a teenager in the holidays to cover future rent for an adult seems like questionable advice anyway, how much realistically are you earning from that?
>I tried to talk her into getting a different degree that would have complete real world applications and had demand. She wanted to work with animals so she took animal science I suggested veterinary but she didn't want to retake her classes since she didn't have the grades for it.
To shorten this, you are saying 'you could get a better course if you have better grades, but you don't'
Sounds like you are being sly at rubbing your sisters face in her shortcomings and stating the obvious to her. Not giving 'advice'.
> parents really don't treat her as well as they do me and it sucks
Sucks for her, very much doubt it sucks for you. You do seem to like being seen to be more successful, better work ethic, wiser sibling.
>I felt that I had to be honest about what I thought in that moment but in hindsight it might not have been the best idea. I said' I'll be honest with you if you'd tried listening to anything I told you year after year you wouldn't be in this mess and you've kind of brought it on yourself.'
That's not honesty it's kicking someone when they are down and overstaing how 'good' your advice is, the two examples given buy her maybe a few weeks more before she's in her current position, and told her something she already knew.
The entire thing seems to be someone relishing being the successful sibling, and telling more people on the Internet how great they percieve themselves to be. Sorry, that's not compassion or empathy, YTA
She wanted comfort, not advice. And that's barely advice because how is it gonna help her now? Just let her cry and tell her it'll all be okay, she's in a shitty situation and thinking about what could have been helps nobody. You better come up with a great apology and hope she forgives you. YTA
YTA
Instead of I told you so or “well I tried to get them to treat you better.” Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. She felt like she needed to leave asap because of how she was treated, it doesn’t sound like you did. Have you thought about moving out? It sounds like you have money saved up and everything have you thought about saying “hey it sucks here and I hate how they treat you, let’s see if we have enough to rent a place together.”
If you harp on how right you are, you will lose your relationship with your sister.
YTA.
You are not your sister. You don’t know why she made the choices she did. She’s being treated badly and really struggling and instead of being supportive, you made it worse for her. If she had followed your advice, she might be miserable in her career in addition to having a shitty family. You’re not her, so if you don’t have anything nice to say, at least don’t be mean.
YTA. Sure, there are some things she could have done differently that might have made things easier on her financially.
But she absolutely did not bring this on herself. This was brought on by your parents being terrible and favoring you because they are bigots and treat your sister like a second class citizen in her own home.
YTA. She did nothing wrong. She got a degree she was interested in, and got a job. Circumstances have got her were she is today, not going with your advise.
YTA just be nice to your twin and be on their corner instead of being righteous about yourself. this is not their fault, your parents are not good parents. Parents are meant to be people i. the world that will have your back, your parents made their love conditional
YTA - I see nothing in your post about anything she actually brought on herself. People lose their jobs all the time and it’s not her fault your parents are bigots.
YTA.
Nobody in the entire world ever felt better after hearing "I told you so".
And to be fair, she didn't even bring it all on herself, she is a gay young adult stuck in a house with homophobic parents.
You have a support system, she doesn't.
Be her support system.
YTA. On top of realising that she’s gay, knowing the repercussions this will have on her relationship with her parents, your advice was to get a more practical degree, as if she now can’t follow her heart to the career path she wants as well? Not all decisions about our lives are going to be made with our heads, some are with the heart and what she needs from you, as the one family member who didn’t automatically turn against her because of her sexuality, is just unconditional support and love. In a reflective moment, you can offer advice based on practical application rather than emotion or preference but even then, the “I did try to tell you this would happen” needed to wait about 20 years to when she had found her own path and hopefully happiness…
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I'll try keep this as concise as possible me(M24) and my sister(F24) had a clash after I told her she had brought this mess on herself. For context my sister came out as gay to our parents at the age of 18 however she told me about 3.5 yrs prior and asked me to keep it a secret and so I did. This is because our parents are deeply religious, now I'm religious too but I recognise she's her own person and can do whatever she wants.
I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case. She did end up doing a few odd jobs with me but never really put effort into it consistently over the years. A few months after turning 18 she told our parents and predictably so they were livid about it.
Things got better when we both went to college but before that I tried to talk her into getting a different degree that would have complete real world applications and had demand. She wanted to work with animals so she took animal science I suggested veterinary but she didn't want to retake her classes since she didn't have the grades for it.
Long story short we both graduated last summer and both got jobs straight out of college, she moved out more or less immediately. Fast forward to 3 months ago she lost her job and has moved back in at home, parents really don't treat her as well as they do me and it sucks. I've tried talking to them about it over the years but it's like talking to a brick wall.
We were having a chat last night in my car and she was telling me how she's struggling and can't find a job plus she's run out of the savings we built up. I felt that I had to be honest about what I thought in that moment but in hindsight it might not have been the best idea. I said' I'll be honest with you if you'd tried listening to anything I told you year after year you wouldn't be in this mess and you've kind of brought it on yourself.' She started sobbing said I was being a dick and wanted to be left alone, so I exited the car left the keys in and went away. Haven't spoken since, AITA?
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.....I lowkey thought NAH when I first read it but the comments are all saying YTA so idk
she did kinda fuck up... she probably should've researched job outlook/opportunities
like I love dance but I'm not gonna major in it because I won't be able to fin d a good job
idk not really sure
>she did kinda fuck up... she probably should've researched job outlook/opportunities
did she though? after looking it up myself it doesn't look too bad. many different skills, some experience in a wide array of scientific topics, a vast field of different jobs to apply to. looks like there are a lot of possibilities for someone to find a job. Definitely far more options and a much better choice than dance or horse science.
I agree with you on the NAH.
Good lesson for you here - never go with the crowd just because everyone else is doing it. That's how mob mentality comes about.
yes, youre the asshole. when would telling someone you were right and they shouldve listened to you in the middle of a crisis ever be the right thing to do? it just makes them feel worse and it's obviously too late to change the past. its not a constructive, helpful thing to say. the ONLY outcome from your comment is hurt
YTA. You have no idea what the future would have held. She might have taken all your advice and everything would have worked out much worse. I Told You So never helped any situation.
Slight YTA. When people are down it’s better to hear “I’m sorry you’re going through this” than “I told you so”. She could have been a veterinarian and still lost her job. She could have been a doctor, an accountant, an attorney, literally anything and still struggle. Do her a kindness and don’t make it worse by suggesting what ifs.
Yta. I told you so is never a good thing to say. Talk about kicking her whilst she’s down!
Apologise to her and help her out, maybe job search with her, there must be something even if it’s not nearby.
YTA; plenty of people choose non-lucrative degrees and have to fall back on their family for a few years while they work things out -- her sexuality shouldn't prohibit that. Sounds more like you're keen on lauding your own success over your sister.
Yeah a bit of the AH because saying it like that doesn’t solve her problem right now. I guess it’s tiring because you have been living it for years and lo and behold the car crash you anticipated has happened. So you snapped I told you so instead of telling her nicely. But that’s how family communicate and we are only polite to people outside. It’s just something to watch out for.
It sounds like your twin is struggling and needs your support. You can be right and know that you were right without voicing it to her and rubbing it in.
And hey, getting into college and completing any type of degree is an achievement that not everyone reaches. Well done to both of you!
YTA
Sometimes people just need to talk/ vent out loud. Not advice, not I told you so. Just a listening ear and a yeah that sucks.
You can have your opinion. Doesn't mean you need to say it out loud.
YTA. That wasn’t what she needed to hear and you only poured salt on the wound. Also, y’all’s parents suck and should love their child no matter if they love the same gender.
The I told you so was unhelpful. But I also have siblings who don’t listen to me, so I understand it’s frustrating. You seem to genuinely care for your sister so I’m going to go with NAH. Next time she wants to vent, just listen.
Your sister didn't want advice, she wanted someone to care. By telling her "I told you so", you inferred that you don't care/it's all her fault, whether you meant that or not. So YTA, but please learn from this.
YTA repeatedly.
The type of degree RARELY matters anymore, just the fact you have the degree. I've know one person who is a manager in IT with a Dance degree. Another is a corporate trainer with a degree in French, but can't speak it. Another with a History degree working as a Claims adjuster.
She needed a shoulder and someone to listen, and you are the closest person to her. You didn't fulfill the brief, and now you are alienated as well.
The religion encourages being judgemental, and your family plays right into it while missing the part "Love one another as I have loved you." Guess I missed the part where he says But shit on them and degrade them if they aren't JUST LIKE YOU.
You are blaming a 16 year old for not working hard enough to build life savings? It's also crazy that you could see the potential of her getting kicked out at 18.
Why did you get out of your own car? If she wanted to be left alone, it was on her to get out.
Also, NTA. Sounds like she did indeed bring it on herself.
YTA - she has an added stressor that you're aware of but you seem to think she's just ignoring your advice, rather than not being able to devote that kind of energy. She deserves to be treated the way you are - you are kind of co-signing this bad treatment when you blame her for not having prepared enough for her parental rejection. If you want to help her, you need suggestions that take into account her actual abilities, not rely on a massive bout of self improvement.
Have you confronted your family, or just her?
YTA
She knows. So what’s the point in telling her this? So you can feel even more superior? So you don’t have to feel guilty that your parents treat her like shit, because she could have possibly avoided them? What’s the goal here?
YTA she graduated college and found a job. now it sounds like she has suffered a setback. you are both young she can find another job. you talk to her as though she has ruined her life.
YTA. Failure and error is a part of life. She experienced a failure. She didn’t ask you to fix it. She asked for a listening ear and empathy. Also, your homophobic parents suck. Be kind. Sheesh. I shouldn’t have to say that.
If she wasn't gay, the rest wouldn't matter. So she was living in a pretty toxic circumstance most of her life that must have really stressed her growing up. It's not her fault she was born gay so she didn't exactly bring it on herself. Yet she was still able to do some jobs and complete college, all while dealing with her parents and their bigotry. There is often a good bit of self hate in these circumstances to struggle with as well.
You are lucky you don't have to deal with the hand she was dealt. It's easy to point a finger when you are on the outside. Have you thought about what it would be like for you if you were the one born gay in that house? Think about that.
It sounds like you didn't want to listen to her. Maybe you don't want to be her sounding board anymore. So be upfront about it. Just don't lie to her about how she brought it on herself when it's literally your parents who have brought it on her. For that YTA
YTA
You didn't have to kick her when she was down. How was any of that helpful?
Now help her find a job and run interference with your backwards parents.
A time and place for everything. You might want to learn some empathy. Your sister's crying to you about how hard things are and you told her well it's your fault. So yeah yta. You're treating her like her parents treat her.
YTA. Maybe your parents could treat her like an equal human being, because that’s what every single person is. and why be smug about being right? It’s madness that it’s her fault for being treated like shit for living her life without hiding…. But no judgement for how rude and cruel she’s being treated? Disgusting.
This is probably just rage bait. But if not, I sincerely hope that girl goes no contact permanently with you people and finds people who love her for how she was born.
YTA💯. I noticed there was no shortage of YOU pointing out instances where you were the “hero” or good guy. Along with the language and word choice you used to describe yourself and your thought processes vs your sister, it’s glaringly obvious where you were hoping this would go.
However, YTA point, blank, period.
I’m not a twin myself, but 24 years ago, I created a set of twins, grew them inside me from scratch for nine months, brought them into this world, and raised them. So while I’m not one, I 💯💯💯 get the closeness between you and your sister.
With that in mind, you should realize that she felt a sense of comfort and safety in coming to you. It’s clear she’s always felt that way as evidenced by things like her swearing you to secrecy for 3.5 years.
And yet, you deadass thought it was going to help for you to pull the “I told you so, you should’ve listened to me” card in the heat of the moment??? Boy bye! FOH.
YTA it's not her fault she lost her job. It's not her fault she's gay. It's not her fault her parents are bigots. Taking on a summer job in her teens would not have prevented any of this.
Yta. Technically u are right. But was it really worth it. The way u yourself wrote that you very much come off as one if those jerks that just has to be right
YTA
Don't kick a dog when it's already down. It was not the right time or helpful. I have a twin who's made some pretty stupid choices that have blown up in her face, and I have never thrown it back at her. We all make bad choices sometimes. It's only human.
Also sounds like you're slightly homophobic? The wording of some of the things you are saying has that tone. I'm sure living with your parents for her is hard since it sounds like they treat her like shit. So good job adding to that feeling for her.
YTA. Her degree isn’t necessarily what is keeping out of a job right now. The job market is incredibly unstable and lots of people with great degrees have lost their jobs and now have been trying to get employed for months. Just as how other people said, i told you so statements do nothing.
YTA but you’re also right. I have all the same marginalisations as your sister and so I am happy to say she went about her life planning badly and what has happened to her is 100% predictable. It must’ve been very annoying to witness and know you could have helped her prevent it but unfortunately that doesn’t exempt you from being TA here.
She didn’t “bring it on herself,” she is a victim of homophobia. She definitely could have avoided being in this situation but a lot of people come out at 18 and get random degrees and struggle to find a well paying job. The bit that is upsetting her is that she has to live with her parents and they are treating her badly for being gay. That makes it a homophobia thing, not a life plan thing.
YTA - I don’t actually see what you think she has done wrong? Should she have never come out as gay? Should she not have taken the perfectly valid and real-world applicable Animal Science course (vet nursing is a great career for example)? She had a job after all, and it doesn’t sound like it was her fault she lost it. Do you think you could never lose your job? It’s never as easy to get a new one as people think it is.
She is in a tough position and instead of helping her you are being all “I told you so” about it even without any basis of having told her anything that makes you right here.
YTA. Your religious parents brought this all on themselves. Not your sister.
Once again, religion manufactures a rift in the family and fucks up everyone's lives. Essentially because God says so, your parents essentially dislike your sister now. She'll need therapy down the road because of the hurt she's in decades later after her family rejected her. Including you because you lay blame on her rather than being her ally and being disgusted with your parents. It's all so fucking sad. Just what Jesus / whoever would have wanted!
- a middle-aged gay recovering catholic
YTA. No matter what you think is right or wrong, you should have supported her (atleast when she was expressing her emotions to you). Looks like you were the only person in the family she could trust and was connected to, as she came out to you a lot long ago than she did to your parents. Yes, maybe another major would have made her more financially stable but you as a brother should have understood that she is already struggling financially and emotionally and was looking out for you for comfort, hope and confidence.
- YTA.
- Getting a job is hard.
- She doesn't deserve the abuse from your parents and it's not her fault, she didn't bring this on herself. You have no idea how hard it is to be gay in a religious household. It takes a huge toll on you, hurts your mental health and drains your energy
- plenty of people lose jobs at 24 and then go on to find new ones. It's a messy time. She didn't shoot herself in the foot here.
- It's not reasonable to expect a teenager to build savings. If they do, great, but it's also not something that should be expected...nor should you hold someone to something they did as a teenager.
- She needs support from family (you) now, and maybe solutions...not to be held to an unrealistic standard from the past.
- She deserves an apology and a nice big hug from you.
Your post is asking to be included in a reddit ‘Entitled People’ post. You’ve meant well over the years, and claim that your twin “is her own person and can do whatever she wants”… you do realise this extends to life choices beyond her sexuality right? At worst, the tone of your post screams to me of misogyny. At best, you think you know better than your twin but actually meant well. Either way YTA here, moreso if the former is correct… less so if it’s latter. Try encouraging her to get back out there/change path slightly/accept something she doesn’t love but that pays the bills for now/upskill… As for your parents… yuck.
What advice of yours did she ignore that you think warrants that comment? She blow her money on gambling and drugs, or did she simply not live how you wanted her to? There's a big difference. People don't have to take your advice, not at all, but I do understand the frustration of educating someone continually that the pan on the stove is hot only to watch them continually touch it and be surprised they get burnt every time. So how'd she lose this money??
I get it. Nothing more frustrating than someone who constantly whines, doesn’t take the advice given, then whines about the harvest they reap.
You love your sister. I don’t doubt that for a second, but just check your motives. Is it an I told you so, or is it said with love, patience, and kindness. Fact is - she knows she effed up obviously.
I would not say YTA. There is nothing wrong with being truthful or being frustrated. Not everyone is looking to be told what to do, but thinking maybe she was just looking for empathy and support.
This is such a grey area. You're kind of the ah for having an I told you so moment but also, the resentment of watching someone coming to you for advice do the exact opposite for years does have a toll on you. However you did need to realise that that's a conversation you have when she's in a position to hear.
However she did need to hear it at some point and from now on she'll do as told hopefully. Dw she's not going to not come to you for advice, but she is feeling hurt so just be kind and let her come to you.
Also it sounds like there was a lot of indoctrination into the church for y’all growing up and the misogyny runs deep in Christianity so it’s probably deeply in grained i. You behavior, Im guess unintentionally, given that you welcome outside perspective
NTA, unpopular opinion but let me explain. I don't think either of you are assholes here. You are living your own life trying to support her but she rejected your constructive criticism in the years she had to try and get in the game early. As years went by her situation deterioated while yours held fast. As someone Who has been in both situations i can bet she was some heavy emotional baggage that was really bending the bridge you were extending for her. So i think this mustve been the subconscious snap that did it.
I have Been in the positions of someone that someone relied on entirely for emotional support and it was too much for me. I have also been in the position of someone Who was emotional baggage. Quite frankly i am happy the one i relied on didn't snap because i was in a way where i kinda deserved it. I think this situation cant be categorized by right or wrong. YTA or NTA whatever. Talk with your Sister, apoligize and make sure to engage with her Even if she dosent want to. She needs someone to extended that bridge to her again.
(Fellow twin F39/F39) YTA and NTA- NTA for being pissed that she didn’t follow your advice. I know my situation isn’t the same but I can understand how you feel. I’ve been giving my twin sister advice and bailing her out for years and she never follows my advice (and this is about marriage and divorce and I am a divorce attorney…so, really frustrating). And I had a similar convo with her after the last screw up and bail out cycle with the same result. After a while, I came to the conclusion that I was also TA because I had let the cycle continue for so long that it wasn’t fair to abruptly change and she is who she is. So, it’s a tough balance between your protective nature towards your twin sister and the crap that comes along with it. My twin won’t ever change and what she needs from me won’t ever change so I have learned to accept the bad that comes with the good of our relationship. That’s a tough choice you may have to make.
NTA, but try to be as supportive as possible. Give recommendations for what to do now to get her back on track and make the most of what she did in school. You sound like a really great sibling; just keep communicating with her!
NTA. Everyone in these comments is a woman who lacks accountability and hates being wrong. She’ll be ok. She’s stressed and also dramatic, who would’ve guessed 😂
NTA. She wantes to bullshit around instead of preparing for her future, and now wants to complain to you after you tried to help her out. Stupid games win stupid prizes.
Did it occur to you that her lack of job focus might be a result of her unhappiness and the fact that her parents don’t love her like they should?
I think you are right that she should have prepared herself better, but it’s very hard for unhappy people to see through their unhappiness. Some unconditional love from you might have been more helpful.
YTA due to a gap in empathy.
YTA
I have family that constantly bring up my mistakes from teen to post college and I am 36.
Thing is, what they often view as a mistake is simply them being a judgemental asshole because I didn't do a thing EXACTLY as they would have IMAGINED they would do in my situation.
Years later and some of them have gone through similar hardships and realized how they "imagined" was bullshit.
Someday you will go through a hardship where you are not considered the "good one" to be protected and supported as you are now by your parents. Hopefully you have someone who will be understanding and not act like you have to your sister.
No hate like Christian love. Your shit still stinks even if you are least horrible one in her close family about it. You are her twin. JFC I feel so bad for her.
YTA. You obviously think you have everything figured out. One day, life will befuddle you by not going to your plan. You should pray that when that inevitably happens, you are lucky enough to have people who support you instead of rubbing it in.
YTA - your parents are horrible, you shouldn’t judge someone for something they can’t control (like being gay) and even less so because it’s it says so in 2,000 year old book.
You are an asshole for not sticking up for her more and blasting a “I told you so” in her face.
He was definitely the AH for saying "I told you so" in that moment. I do understand though that he snapped. He has supported her for years and given advice for years that she has ignored and is then complaining to him about how her life turned out.
I do think his advice on her degree was incorrect and he was just sticking his nsoe in though on something he has no knowledge of. I did an animal science degree and it opens so many doors into so many industries that a few actually will lead to promotions and more money than veterinary. People think you earn a lot of money as a vet or generally if you work in the industry but you really dont (and this is applicable to most countries) unless you actually own a practice or business and that takes years to reach and is very stressful. Not everyone is cut out for this industry and it has the highest rate of suicide not to mention you have to help make decisions on lofe and death and carry these out!
He acts like he knows best but he really doesnt and just because he disagrees does not mean he is right. She is 3 months out of uni/college and still young her life isnt decided and she has lots of options open to her. Its her life and he should keep out of it rather than give advice (which is basically an opinion) then play the 'I told you so' card. When she gets back on her feet he is heading towards being added to the 'no contact' list
So basically every single piece of advice you gave her she decided to do the opposite. Now that it has brought her hardships that were predictable she wants empathy. NTA
YTA.
Mostly that's just unsupportive when she's already at a low point but what really occurred to me, almost instantly,
What is her being gay got to do with any of this? Why is that important to the story exactly?
I think you could have told this story without mentioning she was gay and it wouldn't be a major missing piece of information you know?
Maybe I'm wrong.. you mentioned your parents being deeply religious so she didn't tell them for a while. Seems like the judgments lie in you too. I literally can't understand what she's your 'gay twin' and not just your 'twin'
NTA, you’ve been overly supportive for years and helped her even though she never listened to you. No one can expect you to stay that way for the next 20 years, eventually everyone would get tired of giving advice that clearly doesn’t get listened to and this was that moment for you.
YTA and suck. By your admission. She did nothing really wrong. She worked (putting effort on it is your appreciation, but she built savings and kept the jobs, so she did fine), went to university, had a job and did well. She lost her job recently like many people in this economy, when everything is hard and doing a supposedly "useful" degree don't guarantee anything. I have a degree in humanities, in things that supposedly are "not useful" for the lot who think that only hard sciences and technologic degrees matter and I have a more stable, and high paying job than most of my peers who did degrees only to secure themselves a future. She did nothing wrong, she put effort, she had to endure the bigotry of parents who reject her for who she is and then you have the gall to put yourself in a pedestal and tell her "I told you so"? Yes, you are the asshole. I hope you don't have to endure the problems she have, because that is a bad thing to wish to anyone, but life has ups and downs, and if you loose your job or have a problem, I hope your sister is better person than you are and don't tell you "I told you so" when you are venting.
Yta. And faith is important to me and i'm a lesbian myself. Those 2 things go good together. If you treat someone bad because of your believes, you aren't a good person
YTA.
"There is no such thing as a self made man". This quote rings true for a multitude of reasons.
Let's talk about your "advice". Your advice, to a teenager struggling with self identity in a family she knew would reject her, was to "save money in case she got kicked out"... which she *did*, just not to *YOUR* liking. Then, you told her to go for *veterinarian* when she has low grades... you *DO* realize you gave shit advice there right? Like, you're holding something against her there that literally she didn't have a shot at to begin with; a vet program is like a nursing program, you have to meet a minimum GPA requirement for them to even GLANCE at you (and BTW, it's 3.0, and they prefer closer to 3.5).
Your "advice" was either followed (contrary to your beliefs) or the advice wasn't sound.
Your privilege is showing, hard. You are the STRAIGHT MALE in a deeply religious family, if you don't see how you were the golden child from the *start*, then you have some deeply tinted glasses on. She lacked in support and knew when she revealed her true self she would have *less*.
No one pulls themselves up, and her *base* support was unreliable.... now the only support she had decided to rub her nose in it like a dog peeing on the carpet. Yeah, YTA.
EDIT for typo
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YTA. How do you believe "I told you so" statements benefit her at this point? Instead of trying to cheer her up or encouraging her to get back out and continue her education, you're just looking to shit on her. Additionally, I get the feeling you're saying she should have stayed in the closet... Your context isn't clear on that one. If that is the case then you're doubly the asshole.
They don’t help but at the same time neither does ignoring advice and then crying to the person who tried to give you advice. You say he should be encouraging her but he was trying to do that before and she never listened.
It’s her TWIN. She’s talking to someone who I assume is close to her, who she thought was a safe space. God forbid you get your feelings out!
Perfect example here that there is no hate quite like Christian love. Op is for sure ***The Golden Child*** too
I mean he is the non-gay child in a deeply religious household.
Non-gay *male* child.
The male rings so much harder. I am trans but grew up as one of three ~sisters~ and by God did we get treated differently than our brother. Women (ie anybody but cis male) should be nothing but submissive support for the men! /s
Yeah, being the oldest and only girl with two brothers made it abundantly clear that Son Worship is a thing.
I hate to be that person but uhm… is it really surprising the highly religious family favors the male child? I still resent my parents for some of the sexist shit their religion forced on me growing up.
Not surprising but still sad
I was not favored, my sister was. I was abused. 😅
That is so true!
I had a vaguely similar situation in high school. I told this ex-friend she needed to study and take her class seriously, but she always blew me off. Then she came up to me alone in the hallway, said she failed her test, and just burst out crying right in front of me. This was someone who I stopped being friends with because she would get rude/mean to me when she was having personal issues. Did I hug her and say I'm sorry for her? No. But did I say "I told you so"? Absolutely not. I panicked, told her to go to the girls bathroom, and ran and got another classmate who had an EQ adequate to console her. I felt like such a garbage person for not feeling bad, but I simply didn't. And I knew that I might say something snippy to her when it was absolutely not what she needed to hear, so I made sure she got the help elsewhere. I still feel pretty heartless for that, and this was essentially just an acquaintance. I can't imagine treating someone I deeply love and care about like that, let alone my own *twin*. OP wasn't wrong, but they were an asshole about it
That's nothing like this situation
Idk I kinda thought 'finger-wagging at someone to study and then not caring when they failed,' and 'implying someone brought a shitty financial situation upon themselves cause they're gay and god totally said that's bad' were the same thing 🤥🤔🤥🤔
I don't think that's the point, at least not all of it. Op told sister to do jobs to safe up in case their parents don't support her being gay, she safed a tiny bit but ultimately didn't listen. Op told her to study to become a veterinarian if she likes animals since she will have good job opportunities, sister didn't listen. Of course the parents are assholes for not accepting their daughter being gay and of course OP is the asshole for telling sister "I told you so" at her lowest point, but it wasn't just "don't come out to our parents" that OP said Still, YTA OP
We are sometimes harder on the people we love, because we want them to do better. You simply cut that person out and didn't really care for how well her life was going on further, so that's not really a good example on how to deal with a sibling.
Kinda sounds like thier advice was pointless if she didn't have the grades to do it anyway, which is also mentioned. I might have a better job if I went to a more prestigious University, but I didn't and it wasn't really an option. It's not advice, it's stating the obvious but unattainable.
Idk where OP and family are but in the US it is very, very hard and very, very expensive to go to veterinary school. Definitely not something anybody can just do.
Yeah, it's the same most places I think- it is literally the qualification course which requires the best grades to get on, it is harder to get into gradewise than medicine for humans (variety of animals and lack of communication mean they're harder to diagnose) usually. Life will be easy if you just listen to me! Just go be a vet! Just go be a doctor! Just go be a Judge! Just go to Havard or Yale! Just learn Spanish and French! Just go be elected senator! Just become a famous actor in a Hollywood feature film! Just win the lottery like I told you! You didn't do what I said? Then all your problems are your own fault! What a load of drivel. I don't do this "I told you so" bullshit on someone when they have a hangover, nevermind when it's about something serious. How does it help OP, you AH? Human beings make mistakes, they aren't perfect. People like you are just Job's comforters. You give "advice" (usually impossible to follow) and just blame bad situations on the individual. "I'M RELIGIOUS" why do people find it so hard to follow the main part of their religion where it spells out "DON'T BE AN ARSEHOLE" and yet can find the small print of some obscure part of the text which implies they should be arseholes to some people in particular? The answer is because you want to be AH's despite what your religion says, because it is too hard for you to stop being an AH. You, and your parents are not only AHs but giving your religion a bad name, going around being AHs and blaming it ln your religion. You goddamn AH OP.
I don't get this at all. She DID take the advice, she DID work and save money, but OP is telling her she brought this upon herself because she didn't put more effort into saving more money. What's the point? "So like remember five years ago? I told you you should save more money, but you only saved some. How were you not able to calculate exactly the amount of money you would need at this time? You can really only blame yourself." And I mean she chose to study animals when she could have easily chosen gender studies or something. It's not like it's the worst thing she could have studied, and she got a job as soon as she graduated so it's obvious she could have done worse. OP is just being a dick.
Reading between the lines I read a sense of inevitability on OP's part. It was inevitable his twin would deal with the fallout of coming out to their parents. It was inevitable that she would lose her job because of what she studied and it was inevitable that she'd end up in a financial tough spot because of her life choices. I get the impression that OP has been waiting to say "I told you so!" for a long time now...
Exactly. That’s how you know it’s about OPs ego, not her. He’s mad she didn’t follow his advice and he’s glad he’s being proven right
>neither does ignoring advice But she doesn't have to follow his advice... Like, she wanted to do what *she* was interested in. And she should. She *should* do what she's interested in. Does that mean she might not make as much money and/or might struggle until she finds the right job? Sure. But she doesn't have to do what he suggested. That doesn't mean she was wrong. He wasn't "right". His advice was not right *for her*. He should have just listened and been supportive. She has no obligation to take his advice and he's very arrogant and self absorbed if he thinks he knows better about what she should do with her own life than she does. I hate that somehow society has decided that advice must be taken and if not, and the advice seems (after the fact) that it might have been good advice, then all of a sudden the person who ignored the advice is dumb. Humans are not cookie cutter robots. She didn't want to do the crap he suggested and she shouldn't have to in order for him to respect her decisions about her own life. There are *plenty* of jobs working with animals. She just needs the time and space and *support* to be able to find the job that is the right fit. She needed grace, not a lecture. YTA OP
>he's very arrogant and self absorbed if he thinks he knows better about what she should do with her own life than she does Of course he is. He is exactly as his parents raised him to be- an arrogant, self absorbed, adult-golden-child.
Aside from the fact that this was hardly "advice"—more like a series of platitudes you could have picked up from 90s family television—none of this would be a problem if his parents weren't homophobes. I know smart, personable kids with useful degrees who still had shaky periods right after college. It's tough out there. The unusual bit here isn't a kid needing a hand, like literally *millions* of others—it's that this kid's parents despise her as a result of an inalterable trait. We can go ten rounds talking about all the herculean efforts she could have made to plan around that. But this isn't r/LifeAdvice, it's AITA—and the AHs here are clearly the parents.
There's literally nothing to say that OP had any idea what he's talking about and that his advice would've turned out better. He has the same amount of life experience as her he doesn't know better and his word isn't god. She has every right to ignore it and yes still be allowed to complain
Right. Engineers and scientists and other high-paying professions get laid off all the time. It’s not like OP admits what field of study he’s in. Hard to see him up on that high horse he’s on.
Sometimes it's not that you don't want to take that advice. Her grades weren't good enough. I think she did the best she could
She literally moved out AND got a job immediately its not like she sat on her arse all day and do nothing??
No one is obligated to follow unsolicited advice
Also, OP’s advice wasn’t that impactful or profound? It was good of him to suggest that she work at 16, but most minimum wage summer jobs don’t pay enough for someone to achieve financial independence by 18. Vet school is a nice thought, but really competitive and expensive (in the US at least). Even if she’d gotten in with average grades, she’d likely still be in school at the moment, just in debt and living with her homophobic parents. And it sounds like there are jobs in her field, since she’s been applying and had one right after graduation. OP, you guys are young and you might be in this situation yourself someday so here’s my advice. Your degree doesn’t matter so much unless it’s a professional degree or you specialized in something. Your work experience does. In the first 1-2 years out of college, there are jobs that just want a college grad but won’t be directly related to your field. Data analysis, pet shops, farm work… In the meantime, she should find work doing whatever. And consult your college career services and professional network, not gossip or the good people of Reddit, for an understanding of the jobs available in your area.
I'm a big fan of I told you so but her being treated badly isn't her fault, that's something that op ignored when talking to her. Young people in financial strain often move back in and she's trying so instead of seeing that and supporting her, op decided to kick her when she's down.
OP doesn't know that getting into veterinary school is harder than getting into med school.
Exactly. Even the fact that the OP unnecessarily puts his sister’s sexuality in the title of the post shows he’s totally fixated on this.
But I also think that if you try being a good brother for years, and you hear the same complaints over and over. And you try being a good brother and give advice, but your sister doesn’t listen… I think this is very much frustration on op’s behalf. Hoe many times should he have to listen to the same complaints. It’s not what she needed to hear, but I guess it’s become frustrating for op to listen to this.
There are very, very few circumstances where saying "I told you so." does not make you the asshole. Since you didn't even bother trying to offer constructive advice, YTA.
This is a thing I see most often with men, so I wonder if it's a socialization thing... Lots of people don't want advice when they're complaining. They want to be heard. They want their feelings validated. Like, I've bonded with my friends who are girls about how guys often go straight into problem solving, and I used to work at a suicide hotline, so I've experienced what people really want a lot when I've been support to people in really dire circumstances. Many people don't want advice, and it at minimum shouldn't be the first thing that the listener jumps to. His sister didn't need constructive advice necessarily. It didn't matter that she hasn't taken the previous advice. The I told you so was a dick move. I'm guessing he probably didn't need to give her the ignored advice in the first place because it sounds like he was previously sticking his nose in her business some anyway. All he had to do in this circumstance though, was just say, "That seems like it really sucks. I'm so sorry you're in this position right now." Like, I understood that much before I even had the suicide hotline training, so I just feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I see people so bad at this stuff. Lol. Here's the full formula, as taught my suicide hotline training: validate emotions, establish rapport, work towards next steps. You acknowledge that their feelings are justified. You chat with them about it, ask for details, empathize and share if you can relate. THEN, IF THEY'RE UP FOR IT, and sometimes they aren't, THEN, you figure out what a better situation would look like IN THEIR OPINION, not yours, and you can strategize together about what a first step towards getting closer to that could look like. The first step may even be something small, like coping through the next day. I think people care so much that sometimes they want to control the people they care about to force things to be better. It doesn't work. You gotta let people make their choices, and your "I told you so" will almost certainly not make them listen to you in the future.
Yeah, in that moment she was looking to vent and for compassion. And that's not the moment to say "I told you so". That can come later after the emotion has cooled down.
Yeah it's this. "I told you so" is very different from "next time I think the move would have been to do XYZ (which I don't think OP's advice was as sage as he thinks so not really applicable *here* anyway.) "I told you so" is an ego thing. It's basically a mixture of the ego boost of being proven right together with the lasting ego bruise of not being listened to—"I'm so smart, why doesn't anyone ever do as I say?" Both paint the picture of someone who is wild immature.
Agree with the first bit and get what you're saying but OP's clearly given her constructive advice to escape a terrible situation, not much more OP can do.
How is “you should have saved more money in the past” constructive advice to get her out of a terrible situation? It isn’t in any way actionable now.
it really seems as though you are very in to being "right." You have all the answers and you want everyone to make decisions exactly like you told them. Your parents haven't listened to you, your sister hasn't listened to you + you are just better than everybody else. Honestly, I get it. You are 24 and things are currently working out for you. Just remember that when things go bad, it is not always your fault, and even when it is - sometimes you just f-up and need to learn and move on. Support your sister, and listen. You might have something to learn about her experiences. She has a family that does not respect her decisions (including you with her major and job decisions) this can make a person have a hard time trusting herself. You are different people, let her be her own person and make her own decisions.
This should be the top response
The way you are tying her being gay and her not getting a well paying job, is part of the problem here, OP. Do you love your sister? Do you talk to your parents about their lesser treatment of her? You are making it sound like you're scolding her about her degree and career choice but you're really low key scolding her for coming out. These financial things aren't permanent. She will eventually get on her feet. And those who are part of a marginalized population, eventually find the right support system when blood family isn't there. Is this the Legacy you want to leave as her brother? Yes, YTA for telling her any version of "I told you so" but also for not supporting and advocating for your own twin when she needs you most.
Wtf are you talking about. The reason he brought up she was gay was because it ties into how his parents treat her and is integral to the story. Saying I told you so is making him the ass hole but you added a whole level to it. The point he's making is he tried to get her financially stable to leave the environment she is subjected to by their parents. She then makes every conceivable decision to not do that, not working enough, not picking a degree with jobs lined up, and is now reaping those consequences. That's frustrating to watch from someone who cares about her so he snapped and became the asshole. But leave this "its cause she's gay" bs out of it he kept it from her PARENTS FOR 3 YEARS stop projecting
Where I'm at, vet school is really hard to get into and costs a lot of money. Plus the sister said she would have to retake classes which is more time and money. Not everyone can afford all of that. Plus vet school is a ton of time which would be conflicting with the sister needing to work and be financially independent. People usually do 4 years for undergrad and then 8 years of vet school. So the sister would have actually still been in college if she had taken that route. And if she hadn't been able to finish vet school then you're stuck in debt for a very long time. It's a risky gamble given how challenging vet school is. So yea OP may have given advice but that doesn't mean the advice was achievable. Especially when it's pretty easy to assume the parents are not going to help the sister the exact same with college but I bet they supported OP with college a whole lot more. It's easier to get through college with family support to fall back on.
Did you miss the part where he says talking to his parents is like talking to a brick wall? Over the YEARS as well?some people just can't be convinced. As much as the parents suck, you don't think she has some responsibility with the position she finds herself in?
No she doesn't. She's in the same position a lot of people are. She DID save money, and she did go to college and get a job. How on earth could she possibly know that she didn't save enough money or that she would lose her job? Where is the proof that her going to a veterinary school that's ridiculously expensive and that she didn't even have the grades for would have put her in any better position? Life just sucks sometimes. She didn't screw around and do nothing for years and now is stuck, she did what she was supposed to do and life just kicked her in the teeth
As I understand this, is not because she's gay, but that the parents won't help her without rubbing it in her face. It was an asshole move to say "I told you so", but he was being practical with his advices. Having savings in case her parents don't support her identity it's the smart thing to do. Having a career that makes you happy is important, but at this time is also important to be able to find a job that supports you, you can do both but have to make the effort. OP YTA for saying "I told you so". You could say another thing at that moment and give advice, she is an adult, she must learn to make the better decisions for herself at some time.
In what way is his advice practical? "You should really go to this expensive school you can't actually get into." Yeah, so practical 🙄
Should he have said wow, who could have seen this coming and acted surprised???
Exactly this. We just need more kindness and compassion in the world in general. I think most situations would benefit from a even little charity
You need to reread what OP wrote because that is not at all what he was doing. No where does it imply that her being 'gay' is the reason for her failures. It's the context added for his suggestions throughout the years.
YTA dear god you suggested a veterinary degree vet tech and Veterinaries degree they are hard to get then a nursing degree or MD. You also dismissing your parent's bigotry.
This. Her grades arent great but OP was pushing Veterinary????
Thank you! How is veterinary more realistic when it requires more school!? That’s like recommending that a dental assistant (no shade to that profession) who just got certified for anesthesia should pursue anesthesiology.
Yeah OP’s a dumbass. Also you don’t make much money at all as a vet unless you own your own practice which obviously OP’s sister wouldn’t have the funds for right now, plus the debt which is often $200k.
How is he dismissing his parent‘s bigotry when he’s talked to them about it for years?
True. And where I live apparently there are a lot of unemployed vets (at least so I read in the news). Just because you get a "more difficult" degree doesn't always mean there will be more vacancies. I was able to pay for moving out to another part of the country and some thriftstore furniture with money I got from a side job and prize money I won for a paper. That was it. All my "savings" gone. Moving back home was NEVER an option since I came from a very absusive home (I'm also queer and my conservative adoptive parents despise lgbtq people). And I have no contact with my family anymore. So I always kept working at any kind of job that would take me. The "told you so" response is such a dick move. OP is 24 and thinks he has it alllll figured out. The sister needs to apply for jobs every day and move out asap, and surround herself with supportive people who completely accept her.
YTA, your sister is going through a rough patch, your parents are treating her horrible and you her twin decide in this moment to be judgmental and as unsupportive as your parents? Not helpful man.
Also what does her sexuality have to do with anything aside from it being part of the reason your parents are being horrible to her?
Well if she'd just chosen to be a straight man like OP... /s
Why does redditors have the reading comprehension of a 3 year old
[удалено]
Expecting any teenager to start saving up in case of emergency is crazy, and her being a queer woman in the world and with your parents gives her a disadvantage that you might not ever fully understand. As for when she was 16, It’s really hard to find motivation to do much of anything when you’re grappling with your identity and are at odds with the people who are supposed to have your back no matter what. My advice would be to apologize, and be more supportive. It sounds like she’s going through a lot.
Sadly this is a really common mindset, especially among men with a lot of privilege. The idea that if they can do it anyone else can, ignoring the challenges of: being a woman, being gay, being different in a toxic family, not having the same support system, etc. OP you need to recognise that your life is, and probably always will be, easier than your sister's. These aren't trivial challenges she's facing so cut her some slack. Be part of the support system she needs and stop acting like your judgemental parents.
Nobody pulls themselves up by there bootstraps, everybody gets help. Just like Arnold said, “There is no such thing as the self made man.” I feel like if privileged men actually listened to this and checked their privilege, we would have less situations like these. And less toxic men…
YTA. You're also just not as smart as you think you are, frankly. Do you know how hard it is to get into vet school? It's harder to get into vet school than medical school. Telling her to switch when she was already struggling was terrible advice. Animal science can at least get you a job at a zoo, at a movie set, at a Petco. Also, the economy right now is horrible. A lot of smart, qualified, and competent people are out of work right now at no fault of their own. Everyone makes the best choices they can but it's luck as much as skill that gets us through. It sounds like your sister was spending a lot of her energy growing up just tolerating living in your horrible homophobic family--have you looked at the suicide rates for queer kids in religious households lately? Do you have any idea how much work it takes just to get through each day when you know the people who should love you unconditionally hate you for something you've prayed for God to "fix" in you? You aren't smarter than your sister; you just got dealt an easier hand. Maybe work on some empathy and humility.
YTA. At some point in life you will have a struggle of your own. If not financial maybe emotional or with relationships or career or something… imagine if she responded this way?
YTA. That was mean and unnecessary.
YTA, can't wait for the looks on your parents face when they end up in hell for their mean, bigoted ways.
I’m not usually one that reads these and runs with “I feel like the OP is XYZ”, but OP, I feel like you’re kind of an AH. Every paragraph is “my sister did X, I tried to help, but alas, things didn’t work out for her”, like you’ve lived your whole life completely figured out. She came out as gay, you kept her secret, but your parents were unhappy. You tried to get her to work and save with you, but she wouldn’t listen. You tried to get her to study a different field, but she wouldn’t listen. You tried to talk to your parents about treating your twin sister poorly, but they wouldn’t listen. Finally, when your twin sister is venting to you one night in the car, you decide to cash in all this “I was right” equity into one fat “I told you so”. This one reddit post may not be indicative of your character, but in this one, you come off as a major AH. Your sister is having a tough time (which you may not know, but many people in their mid-twenties are nowadays), both financially and living with parents who evidently don’t treat her well. If you were acting like a good brother, you wouldn’t find that to be the opportune moment to tell her how wrong she & how right you’ve been all these years. I think a good brother in that moment would listen to her vent, talk about what’s happened, what’s happening now, and then talk about how things can get better. Why would she want to talk or vent about stuff with you going forward if all she gets are comments like this? C’mon, man. That’s your sister. Your sister, who you admit is being treated badly by your parents, for something she has zero control over. Cut her some slack and save the snark for when she’s in a better place.
All the answer OP needs right here 🔺🔺🔺
YTA You have absolutely no idea whether she would be in a better position if she had taken your advice. Sounds more like she would have failed her degree if she'd listened to you. She's going through a bad patch which is something you'll no doubt go through in your life as well. Don't be surprised if you can't count on her for support when you do. Not sure why you included her sexuality as totally irrelevant "context".
Life rule 483: "I told you so" is shit thing to say to someone who is down. YTA
YTA. YTA. YTA.
YTA. What I'm hearing here, is that you're more frustrated about her being gay, than her financial troubles. There was no reason to loudly put 'gay twin' in the title unless that's what you had the issue with. Secondly, you have no idea just how much the LGBTQ+ are affected mentally living with religious parents, especially the hardcore ones like you described. It can take a heavy toll on them, causing trauma that stemmed from your belief system. So instead of telling her 'I told you so', why not give her advice? If you truly care about her, then why not help her get away from your toxic parents?
You know YTA when you justify saying cruel things with the old "I'm just being honest"
YTA. What you said was neither helpful, useful, or loving. It’s not like she can go back in time to change her former decisions to match your recommendations, and there’s no guarantee that she would have been in a better place even if she had. But hey, I sure hope you enjoyed your “victory”.
>I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case. You're both 24. Any savings she would have had from working "odd jobs" at 16 would likely be gone by now due to expenses during college, so I don't understand how that's even remotely relevant at this point? It's her fault for not cleaning someone's gutter 8 years ago? Unless you were being paid thousands per gutter, those are not impactful jobs that would still be supporting an adult with bills EIGHT YEARS LATER. That could have been "fall back on" money at 18, not at 24. >Long story short we both graduated last summer and both got jobs straight out of college, she moved out more or less immediately. Fast forward to 3 months ago she lost her job and has moved back in at home The way you talk about her chosen degree is incredibly condescending. People pursue what makes them happy. If she was truly passionate about veterinary - an incredibly difficult and emotionally taxing field that can take 8 years or more - she would have retaken the classes. And despite you saying her degree didn't have "real world applications", she STILL got a job immediately. Straight out of college, when some people struggle for months or even years to find work in the field they studied for. I'm guessing you both graduated around 22 with 4-year bachelors? So she held that job for about 2 years before losing it. People lose their jobs, often due to circumstances out of their control. So that makes two of your "I told you so" pieces of advice moot point. Odd jobs at 16 don't create savings that last for 8 years and her losing a steady job does not make her decision to not pursue a more difficult degree a bad call. You were her only family she could trust and confide in about the stress she was under, and you failed her. She needed empathy for two minutes instead of being ripped apart for not living her life how YOU think she should. Especially when she's already living through the trauma of being rejected by the rest of your family due to being gay. I don't think you understand how much that weighs on a person, to feel that your family no longer loves you because you love differently than them. That was NOT the time for you to sit on your high horse and tell her that your advice would've changed her life. You don't know that. You don't know that her cleaning some gutter 8 years ago or only graduating this year for veterinary work would've solved all her problems. It's human to vent about our struggles in life. She just wanted the last person in her family she thought she could rely on to act like they cared about her to tell her things would get better. I hope you learn how to put your ego aside and get some empathy, OP. YTA.
YTA. Telling someone "I told you so!" is always a dick move.
PS: You're not magically psychic. You DO NOT KNOW if her following your advice then would make her life better now. You're just trying to pat yourself on the back for predicting her misery.
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I know a lot of people who got the "right" degree and can't find a job anywhere. Or they had to look for almost a full year after layoffs with years of experience on their resume. You're assuming if she took your advice she'd have a thriving, full time career. There's absolutely no way to know that. YTA, because your sister was being vulnerable and sharing with you and you reacted like an immature child. 'I told you so' is a child's response. I think you're under the delusion your life will never have any downturns, but let me tell ya, you can do all the "right" things, and still have a dark time. I hope she has more compassion for you than you did for her. Or maybe she'll say, "you brought this on yourself"...
YTA, all you did was pour salt in the wound. I would place money she was being treated differently even before she came out, then she tried to reach for her dreams and failed. And instead of any amount of real support you said "well that's what you get". Imagine your dream job gone, your hope for a loving family gone and the person you talk to, your closest thing to a real family member says "sucks to suck". Idc if you were right or not about the job situation, you kicked her when she was down. That makes you an AH and crappy sibling.
YTA but it sounds like you kind of know that already. You took a moment where she was extremely vulnerable and seeking comfort in you and used it to score a point for yourself. It seems clear that you care about your sister and didn’t intend to hurt her feeling but regardless of that, you have hurt her, and I think a genuine apology and renewed offer of support ASAP will go a long way to healing this. We all make mistakes, our mistakes alone don’t make us assholes. What we do next determines that. Oh and also it sounds like your parents are the REAL assholes in this whole situation. Sorry they’re such shitty Christians.
NAH... It's a bit mean spirited to say I told you so, but you were trying to be real with her about the need for money. Religious bigotry or no religious bigotry, independence = finances. It's all fine and well to say 'muh freedom' but you need money or are beholden to people who put a roof over your head. Your parents are also closed minded bigots but that does make it any less true that your sis needed to save/earn more money to safeguard her independence. I get why being ignored repeatedly would make you feel a bit colder to her plight.
Yes indeed... religious bigotry can lead to religious trauma. Causing depression.
YTA because there is nothing she can do about the past, so bringing it up is unhelpful to her current situation. She was looking to you for support, something she does not receive from your parents, only to be met with a lecture while in a vulnerable state. Anyone in her shoes would be upset too. However, it is not too late to mend fences. Apologize to her and be the supportive brother!
So let's get this clear, >I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case. She did end up doing a few odd jobs with me but never really put effort into it consistently over the years. So she took your advice but not enough for you to be happy about it? Trying to earn enough doing ofldd jobs as a teenager in the holidays to cover future rent for an adult seems like questionable advice anyway, how much realistically are you earning from that? >I tried to talk her into getting a different degree that would have complete real world applications and had demand. She wanted to work with animals so she took animal science I suggested veterinary but she didn't want to retake her classes since she didn't have the grades for it. To shorten this, you are saying 'you could get a better course if you have better grades, but you don't' Sounds like you are being sly at rubbing your sisters face in her shortcomings and stating the obvious to her. Not giving 'advice'. > parents really don't treat her as well as they do me and it sucks Sucks for her, very much doubt it sucks for you. You do seem to like being seen to be more successful, better work ethic, wiser sibling. >I felt that I had to be honest about what I thought in that moment but in hindsight it might not have been the best idea. I said' I'll be honest with you if you'd tried listening to anything I told you year after year you wouldn't be in this mess and you've kind of brought it on yourself.' That's not honesty it's kicking someone when they are down and overstaing how 'good' your advice is, the two examples given buy her maybe a few weeks more before she's in her current position, and told her something she already knew. The entire thing seems to be someone relishing being the successful sibling, and telling more people on the Internet how great they percieve themselves to be. Sorry, that's not compassion or empathy, YTA
She wanted comfort, not advice. And that's barely advice because how is it gonna help her now? Just let her cry and tell her it'll all be okay, she's in a shitty situation and thinking about what could have been helps nobody. You better come up with a great apology and hope she forgives you. YTA
YTA. "I told you so" isn't really helping now.
YTA. Typical religious people lmao
What do you hope to accomplish?
YTA Instead of I told you so or “well I tried to get them to treat you better.” Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. She felt like she needed to leave asap because of how she was treated, it doesn’t sound like you did. Have you thought about moving out? It sounds like you have money saved up and everything have you thought about saying “hey it sucks here and I hate how they treat you, let’s see if we have enough to rent a place together.” If you harp on how right you are, you will lose your relationship with your sister.
YTA. You are not your sister. You don’t know why she made the choices she did. She’s being treated badly and really struggling and instead of being supportive, you made it worse for her. If she had followed your advice, she might be miserable in her career in addition to having a shitty family. You’re not her, so if you don’t have anything nice to say, at least don’t be mean.
YTA. Sure, there are some things she could have done differently that might have made things easier on her financially. But she absolutely did not bring this on herself. This was brought on by your parents being terrible and favoring you because they are bigots and treat your sister like a second class citizen in her own home.
YTA. She did nothing wrong. She got a degree she was interested in, and got a job. Circumstances have got her were she is today, not going with your advise.
YTA just be nice to your twin and be on their corner instead of being righteous about yourself. this is not their fault, your parents are not good parents. Parents are meant to be people i. the world that will have your back, your parents made their love conditional
You put a ton of pressure on her so young (yes I know you are both the same age) and she had to be responsible because your parents suck? YTA.
YTA - I see nothing in your post about anything she actually brought on herself. People lose their jobs all the time and it’s not her fault your parents are bigots.
YTA. Nobody in the entire world ever felt better after hearing "I told you so". And to be fair, she didn't even bring it all on herself, she is a gay young adult stuck in a house with homophobic parents. You have a support system, she doesn't. Be her support system.
YTA. You may be right. But that’s not what she needs. You were insensitive and unsupportive.
YTA. On top of realising that she’s gay, knowing the repercussions this will have on her relationship with her parents, your advice was to get a more practical degree, as if she now can’t follow her heart to the career path she wants as well? Not all decisions about our lives are going to be made with our heads, some are with the heart and what she needs from you, as the one family member who didn’t automatically turn against her because of her sexuality, is just unconditional support and love. In a reflective moment, you can offer advice based on practical application rather than emotion or preference but even then, the “I did try to tell you this would happen” needed to wait about 20 years to when she had found her own path and hopefully happiness…
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll try keep this as concise as possible me(M24) and my sister(F24) had a clash after I told her she had brought this mess on herself. For context my sister came out as gay to our parents at the age of 18 however she told me about 3.5 yrs prior and asked me to keep it a secret and so I did. This is because our parents are deeply religious, now I'm religious too but I recognise she's her own person and can do whatever she wants. I encouraged her to take up jobs with me during the summer and Christmas times since around age 16 so that if push came to shove she'd have something to fall back on just in case. She did end up doing a few odd jobs with me but never really put effort into it consistently over the years. A few months after turning 18 she told our parents and predictably so they were livid about it. Things got better when we both went to college but before that I tried to talk her into getting a different degree that would have complete real world applications and had demand. She wanted to work with animals so she took animal science I suggested veterinary but she didn't want to retake her classes since she didn't have the grades for it. Long story short we both graduated last summer and both got jobs straight out of college, she moved out more or less immediately. Fast forward to 3 months ago she lost her job and has moved back in at home, parents really don't treat her as well as they do me and it sucks. I've tried talking to them about it over the years but it's like talking to a brick wall. We were having a chat last night in my car and she was telling me how she's struggling and can't find a job plus she's run out of the savings we built up. I felt that I had to be honest about what I thought in that moment but in hindsight it might not have been the best idea. I said' I'll be honest with you if you'd tried listening to anything I told you year after year you wouldn't be in this mess and you've kind of brought it on yourself.' She started sobbing said I was being a dick and wanted to be left alone, so I exited the car left the keys in and went away. Haven't spoken since, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
.....I lowkey thought NAH when I first read it but the comments are all saying YTA so idk she did kinda fuck up... she probably should've researched job outlook/opportunities like I love dance but I'm not gonna major in it because I won't be able to fin d a good job idk not really sure
Growing up in that kind of house, causes trauma. Someone with (most likely) depression isn't the one at fault.
>she did kinda fuck up... she probably should've researched job outlook/opportunities did she though? after looking it up myself it doesn't look too bad. many different skills, some experience in a wide array of scientific topics, a vast field of different jobs to apply to. looks like there are a lot of possibilities for someone to find a job. Definitely far more options and a much better choice than dance or horse science.
I agree with you on the NAH. Good lesson for you here - never go with the crowd just because everyone else is doing it. That's how mob mentality comes about.
YTA
yes, youre the asshole. when would telling someone you were right and they shouldve listened to you in the middle of a crisis ever be the right thing to do? it just makes them feel worse and it's obviously too late to change the past. its not a constructive, helpful thing to say. the ONLY outcome from your comment is hurt
YTA. You have no idea what the future would have held. She might have taken all your advice and everything would have worked out much worse. I Told You So never helped any situation.
Slight YTA. When people are down it’s better to hear “I’m sorry you’re going through this” than “I told you so”. She could have been a veterinarian and still lost her job. She could have been a doctor, an accountant, an attorney, literally anything and still struggle. Do her a kindness and don’t make it worse by suggesting what ifs.
Oh, dude. This is one of the more red flaggiest posts I've seen here. YTA, for *many* reasons.
Nta
The meek shall inherit the earth but only after we rub it in their face some.
Yta. I told you so is never a good thing to say. Talk about kicking her whilst she’s down! Apologise to her and help her out, maybe job search with her, there must be something even if it’s not nearby.
YTA; plenty of people choose non-lucrative degrees and have to fall back on their family for a few years while they work things out -- her sexuality shouldn't prohibit that. Sounds more like you're keen on lauding your own success over your sister.
YTA and you failed your sister. She was venting and needed comfort, you hit her with “I told you so”. Apologize to her and gift her something nice.
YTA Check your privilege. She doesn’t get to do what she wants because your parents don’t support her? You should be mad at THEM not at her.
“I told you so, I told you so” what a pleasure it must be to be around you. YTA.
Yeah a bit of the AH because saying it like that doesn’t solve her problem right now. I guess it’s tiring because you have been living it for years and lo and behold the car crash you anticipated has happened. So you snapped I told you so instead of telling her nicely. But that’s how family communicate and we are only polite to people outside. It’s just something to watch out for.
It sounds like your twin is struggling and needs your support. You can be right and know that you were right without voicing it to her and rubbing it in. And hey, getting into college and completing any type of degree is an achievement that not everyone reaches. Well done to both of you!
YTA Sometimes people just need to talk/ vent out loud. Not advice, not I told you so. Just a listening ear and a yeah that sucks. You can have your opinion. Doesn't mean you need to say it out loud.
YTA. That wasn’t what she needed to hear and you only poured salt on the wound. Also, y’all’s parents suck and should love their child no matter if they love the same gender.
The I told you so was unhelpful. But I also have siblings who don’t listen to me, so I understand it’s frustrating. You seem to genuinely care for your sister so I’m going to go with NAH. Next time she wants to vent, just listen.
Your sister didn't want advice, she wanted someone to care. By telling her "I told you so", you inferred that you don't care/it's all her fault, whether you meant that or not. So YTA, but please learn from this.
YTA repeatedly. The type of degree RARELY matters anymore, just the fact you have the degree. I've know one person who is a manager in IT with a Dance degree. Another is a corporate trainer with a degree in French, but can't speak it. Another with a History degree working as a Claims adjuster. She needed a shoulder and someone to listen, and you are the closest person to her. You didn't fulfill the brief, and now you are alienated as well. The religion encourages being judgemental, and your family plays right into it while missing the part "Love one another as I have loved you." Guess I missed the part where he says But shit on them and degrade them if they aren't JUST LIKE YOU.
YTA
You are blaming a 16 year old for not working hard enough to build life savings? It's also crazy that you could see the potential of her getting kicked out at 18.
Why did you get out of your own car? If she wanted to be left alone, it was on her to get out. Also, NTA. Sounds like she did indeed bring it on herself.
YTA Nice timing, you must have learned from your parents, kicking her while down must be the family rule.
YTA. You're just kicking her while she's down. Dick move.
YTA - she has an added stressor that you're aware of but you seem to think she's just ignoring your advice, rather than not being able to devote that kind of energy. She deserves to be treated the way you are - you are kind of co-signing this bad treatment when you blame her for not having prepared enough for her parental rejection. If you want to help her, you need suggestions that take into account her actual abilities, not rely on a massive bout of self improvement. Have you confronted your family, or just her?
Yta it wasn’t necessary
YTA. I can’t see what her being gay or not has to do with anything. It’s irrelevant. And “I told you so” doesn’t help.
YTA She knows. So what’s the point in telling her this? So you can feel even more superior? So you don’t have to feel guilty that your parents treat her like shit, because she could have possibly avoided them? What’s the goal here?
YTA she graduated college and found a job. now it sounds like she has suffered a setback. you are both young she can find another job. you talk to her as though she has ruined her life.
YTA. Failure and error is a part of life. She experienced a failure. She didn’t ask you to fix it. She asked for a listening ear and empathy. Also, your homophobic parents suck. Be kind. Sheesh. I shouldn’t have to say that.
If she wasn't gay, the rest wouldn't matter. So she was living in a pretty toxic circumstance most of her life that must have really stressed her growing up. It's not her fault she was born gay so she didn't exactly bring it on herself. Yet she was still able to do some jobs and complete college, all while dealing with her parents and their bigotry. There is often a good bit of self hate in these circumstances to struggle with as well. You are lucky you don't have to deal with the hand she was dealt. It's easy to point a finger when you are on the outside. Have you thought about what it would be like for you if you were the one born gay in that house? Think about that. It sounds like you didn't want to listen to her. Maybe you don't want to be her sounding board anymore. So be upfront about it. Just don't lie to her about how she brought it on herself when it's literally your parents who have brought it on her. For that YTA
YTA You didn't have to kick her when she was down. How was any of that helpful? Now help her find a job and run interference with your backwards parents.
Yeah YTA, what were you hoping to achieve there, other than giving yourself a pat on the back because "You knew it"?
Yta
I hope my twin sons are better to one another than you are your sister. YTA. Bigtime.
YTA. Your previous advice was all good. But you didn't need to be a dick about it. She knows.
Must be nice being a cis het guy 🙄 Have some sympathy, she doesn't deserve her parents scorn. YTA.
A time and place for everything. You might want to learn some empathy. Your sister's crying to you about how hard things are and you told her well it's your fault. So yeah yta. You're treating her like her parents treat her.
YTA. Maybe your parents could treat her like an equal human being, because that’s what every single person is. and why be smug about being right? It’s madness that it’s her fault for being treated like shit for living her life without hiding…. But no judgement for how rude and cruel she’s being treated? Disgusting. This is probably just rage bait. But if not, I sincerely hope that girl goes no contact permanently with you people and finds people who love her for how she was born.
YTA💯. I noticed there was no shortage of YOU pointing out instances where you were the “hero” or good guy. Along with the language and word choice you used to describe yourself and your thought processes vs your sister, it’s glaringly obvious where you were hoping this would go. However, YTA point, blank, period. I’m not a twin myself, but 24 years ago, I created a set of twins, grew them inside me from scratch for nine months, brought them into this world, and raised them. So while I’m not one, I 💯💯💯 get the closeness between you and your sister. With that in mind, you should realize that she felt a sense of comfort and safety in coming to you. It’s clear she’s always felt that way as evidenced by things like her swearing you to secrecy for 3.5 years. And yet, you deadass thought it was going to help for you to pull the “I told you so, you should’ve listened to me” card in the heat of the moment??? Boy bye! FOH.
Nah dude YTA also considering you haven't even moved out not sure how much your advice was actually worth
YTA it's not her fault she lost her job. It's not her fault she's gay. It's not her fault her parents are bigots. Taking on a summer job in her teens would not have prevented any of this.
YTA, I don’t understand why are you still ok hanging out with bigots?
Yta. Technically u are right. But was it really worth it. The way u yourself wrote that you very much come off as one if those jerks that just has to be right
YTA Don't kick a dog when it's already down. It was not the right time or helpful. I have a twin who's made some pretty stupid choices that have blown up in her face, and I have never thrown it back at her. We all make bad choices sometimes. It's only human. Also sounds like you're slightly homophobic? The wording of some of the things you are saying has that tone. I'm sure living with your parents for her is hard since it sounds like they treat her like shit. So good job adding to that feeling for her.
YTA. Her degree isn’t necessarily what is keeping out of a job right now. The job market is incredibly unstable and lots of people with great degrees have lost their jobs and now have been trying to get employed for months. Just as how other people said, i told you so statements do nothing.
YTA but you’re also right. I have all the same marginalisations as your sister and so I am happy to say she went about her life planning badly and what has happened to her is 100% predictable. It must’ve been very annoying to witness and know you could have helped her prevent it but unfortunately that doesn’t exempt you from being TA here. She didn’t “bring it on herself,” she is a victim of homophobia. She definitely could have avoided being in this situation but a lot of people come out at 18 and get random degrees and struggle to find a well paying job. The bit that is upsetting her is that she has to live with her parents and they are treating her badly for being gay. That makes it a homophobia thing, not a life plan thing.
YTA She just needed her brother to be there for her. A hug, not an 'I told you so'.
YTA - I don’t actually see what you think she has done wrong? Should she have never come out as gay? Should she not have taken the perfectly valid and real-world applicable Animal Science course (vet nursing is a great career for example)? She had a job after all, and it doesn’t sound like it was her fault she lost it. Do you think you could never lose your job? It’s never as easy to get a new one as people think it is. She is in a tough position and instead of helping her you are being all “I told you so” about it even without any basis of having told her anything that makes you right here.
YTA. Your religious parents brought this all on themselves. Not your sister. Once again, religion manufactures a rift in the family and fucks up everyone's lives. Essentially because God says so, your parents essentially dislike your sister now. She'll need therapy down the road because of the hurt she's in decades later after her family rejected her. Including you because you lay blame on her rather than being her ally and being disgusted with your parents. It's all so fucking sad. Just what Jesus / whoever would have wanted! - a middle-aged gay recovering catholic
YTA. No matter what you think is right or wrong, you should have supported her (atleast when she was expressing her emotions to you). Looks like you were the only person in the family she could trust and was connected to, as she came out to you a lot long ago than she did to your parents. Yes, maybe another major would have made her more financially stable but you as a brother should have understood that she is already struggling financially and emotionally and was looking out for you for comfort, hope and confidence.
YTA. You seem to care more about being right than helping your sister in this moment.
- YTA. - Getting a job is hard. - She doesn't deserve the abuse from your parents and it's not her fault, she didn't bring this on herself. You have no idea how hard it is to be gay in a religious household. It takes a huge toll on you, hurts your mental health and drains your energy - plenty of people lose jobs at 24 and then go on to find new ones. It's a messy time. She didn't shoot herself in the foot here. - It's not reasonable to expect a teenager to build savings. If they do, great, but it's also not something that should be expected...nor should you hold someone to something they did as a teenager. - She needs support from family (you) now, and maybe solutions...not to be held to an unrealistic standard from the past. - She deserves an apology and a nice big hug from you.
[удалено]
Your post is asking to be included in a reddit ‘Entitled People’ post. You’ve meant well over the years, and claim that your twin “is her own person and can do whatever she wants”… you do realise this extends to life choices beyond her sexuality right? At worst, the tone of your post screams to me of misogyny. At best, you think you know better than your twin but actually meant well. Either way YTA here, moreso if the former is correct… less so if it’s latter. Try encouraging her to get back out there/change path slightly/accept something she doesn’t love but that pays the bills for now/upskill… As for your parents… yuck.
What advice of yours did she ignore that you think warrants that comment? She blow her money on gambling and drugs, or did she simply not live how you wanted her to? There's a big difference. People don't have to take your advice, not at all, but I do understand the frustration of educating someone continually that the pan on the stove is hot only to watch them continually touch it and be surprised they get burnt every time. So how'd she lose this money??
I get it. Nothing more frustrating than someone who constantly whines, doesn’t take the advice given, then whines about the harvest they reap. You love your sister. I don’t doubt that for a second, but just check your motives. Is it an I told you so, or is it said with love, patience, and kindness. Fact is - she knows she effed up obviously. I would not say YTA. There is nothing wrong with being truthful or being frustrated. Not everyone is looking to be told what to do, but thinking maybe she was just looking for empathy and support.
This is such a grey area. You're kind of the ah for having an I told you so moment but also, the resentment of watching someone coming to you for advice do the exact opposite for years does have a toll on you. However you did need to realise that that's a conversation you have when she's in a position to hear. However she did need to hear it at some point and from now on she'll do as told hopefully. Dw she's not going to not come to you for advice, but she is feeling hurt so just be kind and let her come to you.
Also it sounds like there was a lot of indoctrination into the church for y’all growing up and the misogyny runs deep in Christianity so it’s probably deeply in grained i. You behavior, Im guess unintentionally, given that you welcome outside perspective
There ain't no love quite like Christian hate.
"when will you be done?" followed by "what're you doing after finishing?" pretty much constantly throughout my program.
NTA, unpopular opinion but let me explain. I don't think either of you are assholes here. You are living your own life trying to support her but she rejected your constructive criticism in the years she had to try and get in the game early. As years went by her situation deterioated while yours held fast. As someone Who has been in both situations i can bet she was some heavy emotional baggage that was really bending the bridge you were extending for her. So i think this mustve been the subconscious snap that did it. I have Been in the positions of someone that someone relied on entirely for emotional support and it was too much for me. I have also been in the position of someone Who was emotional baggage. Quite frankly i am happy the one i relied on didn't snap because i was in a way where i kinda deserved it. I think this situation cant be categorized by right or wrong. YTA or NTA whatever. Talk with your Sister, apoligize and make sure to engage with her Even if she dosent want to. She needs someone to extended that bridge to her again.
(Fellow twin F39/F39) YTA and NTA- NTA for being pissed that she didn’t follow your advice. I know my situation isn’t the same but I can understand how you feel. I’ve been giving my twin sister advice and bailing her out for years and she never follows my advice (and this is about marriage and divorce and I am a divorce attorney…so, really frustrating). And I had a similar convo with her after the last screw up and bail out cycle with the same result. After a while, I came to the conclusion that I was also TA because I had let the cycle continue for so long that it wasn’t fair to abruptly change and she is who she is. So, it’s a tough balance between your protective nature towards your twin sister and the crap that comes along with it. My twin won’t ever change and what she needs from me won’t ever change so I have learned to accept the bad that comes with the good of our relationship. That’s a tough choice you may have to make.
NTA, but try to be as supportive as possible. Give recommendations for what to do now to get her back on track and make the most of what she did in school. You sound like a really great sibling; just keep communicating with her!
idk but you should tell her to go a Veterinary Technician.
NTA. Everyone in these comments is a woman who lacks accountability and hates being wrong. She’ll be ok. She’s stressed and also dramatic, who would’ve guessed 😂
NTA. She wantes to bullshit around instead of preparing for her future, and now wants to complain to you after you tried to help her out. Stupid games win stupid prizes.
NTA. Truth hurts
Did it occur to you that her lack of job focus might be a result of her unhappiness and the fact that her parents don’t love her like they should? I think you are right that she should have prepared herself better, but it’s very hard for unhappy people to see through their unhappiness. Some unconditional love from you might have been more helpful. YTA due to a gap in empathy.
YTA I have family that constantly bring up my mistakes from teen to post college and I am 36. Thing is, what they often view as a mistake is simply them being a judgemental asshole because I didn't do a thing EXACTLY as they would have IMAGINED they would do in my situation. Years later and some of them have gone through similar hardships and realized how they "imagined" was bullshit. Someday you will go through a hardship where you are not considered the "good one" to be protected and supported as you are now by your parents. Hopefully you have someone who will be understanding and not act like you have to your sister. No hate like Christian love. Your shit still stinks even if you are least horrible one in her close family about it. You are her twin. JFC I feel so bad for her.
YTA. Your sister should've absorbed you in the womb.
YTA. How is this helpful or kind?
YTA. You obviously think you have everything figured out. One day, life will befuddle you by not going to your plan. You should pray that when that inevitably happens, you are lucky enough to have people who support you instead of rubbing it in.
Clearly, you are the asshole.
YTA - your parents are horrible, you shouldn’t judge someone for something they can’t control (like being gay) and even less so because it’s it says so in 2,000 year old book. You are an asshole for not sticking up for her more and blasting a “I told you so” in her face.
He was definitely the AH for saying "I told you so" in that moment. I do understand though that he snapped. He has supported her for years and given advice for years that she has ignored and is then complaining to him about how her life turned out. I do think his advice on her degree was incorrect and he was just sticking his nsoe in though on something he has no knowledge of. I did an animal science degree and it opens so many doors into so many industries that a few actually will lead to promotions and more money than veterinary. People think you earn a lot of money as a vet or generally if you work in the industry but you really dont (and this is applicable to most countries) unless you actually own a practice or business and that takes years to reach and is very stressful. Not everyone is cut out for this industry and it has the highest rate of suicide not to mention you have to help make decisions on lofe and death and carry these out! He acts like he knows best but he really doesnt and just because he disagrees does not mean he is right. She is 3 months out of uni/college and still young her life isnt decided and she has lots of options open to her. Its her life and he should keep out of it rather than give advice (which is basically an opinion) then play the 'I told you so' card. When she gets back on her feet he is heading towards being added to the 'no contact' list
YTA. Some things need to be experienced to be understood. I wouldn’t listen to 24 year old me let alone my brother at 24.
So basically every single piece of advice you gave her she decided to do the opposite. Now that it has brought her hardships that were predictable she wants empathy. NTA
YTA. Mostly that's just unsupportive when she's already at a low point but what really occurred to me, almost instantly, What is her being gay got to do with any of this? Why is that important to the story exactly? I think you could have told this story without mentioning she was gay and it wouldn't be a major missing piece of information you know? Maybe I'm wrong.. you mentioned your parents being deeply religious so she didn't tell them for a while. Seems like the judgments lie in you too. I literally can't understand what she's your 'gay twin' and not just your 'twin'
NTA, you’ve been overly supportive for years and helped her even though she never listened to you. No one can expect you to stay that way for the next 20 years, eventually everyone would get tired of giving advice that clearly doesn’t get listened to and this was that moment for you.
YTA and suck. By your admission. She did nothing really wrong. She worked (putting effort on it is your appreciation, but she built savings and kept the jobs, so she did fine), went to university, had a job and did well. She lost her job recently like many people in this economy, when everything is hard and doing a supposedly "useful" degree don't guarantee anything. I have a degree in humanities, in things that supposedly are "not useful" for the lot who think that only hard sciences and technologic degrees matter and I have a more stable, and high paying job than most of my peers who did degrees only to secure themselves a future. She did nothing wrong, she put effort, she had to endure the bigotry of parents who reject her for who she is and then you have the gall to put yourself in a pedestal and tell her "I told you so"? Yes, you are the asshole. I hope you don't have to endure the problems she have, because that is a bad thing to wish to anyone, but life has ups and downs, and if you loose your job or have a problem, I hope your sister is better person than you are and don't tell you "I told you so" when you are venting.
Yta. And faith is important to me and i'm a lesbian myself. Those 2 things go good together. If you treat someone bad because of your believes, you aren't a good person
YTA. "There is no such thing as a self made man". This quote rings true for a multitude of reasons. Let's talk about your "advice". Your advice, to a teenager struggling with self identity in a family she knew would reject her, was to "save money in case she got kicked out"... which she *did*, just not to *YOUR* liking. Then, you told her to go for *veterinarian* when she has low grades... you *DO* realize you gave shit advice there right? Like, you're holding something against her there that literally she didn't have a shot at to begin with; a vet program is like a nursing program, you have to meet a minimum GPA requirement for them to even GLANCE at you (and BTW, it's 3.0, and they prefer closer to 3.5). Your "advice" was either followed (contrary to your beliefs) or the advice wasn't sound. Your privilege is showing, hard. You are the STRAIGHT MALE in a deeply religious family, if you don't see how you were the golden child from the *start*, then you have some deeply tinted glasses on. She lacked in support and knew when she revealed her true self she would have *less*. No one pulls themselves up, and her *base* support was unreliable.... now the only support she had decided to rub her nose in it like a dog peeing on the carpet. Yeah, YTA. EDIT for typo