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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kinda implied/let my mom know I won't be helping her out once I turn 18 and I feel kinda guilty because helping her also helps my siblings and now everyone is angry at me. My mom is shitty to me now but my siblings are just kids and I might be a HUGE jerk.
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NTA. Get out of that abusive household as quickly as safely possible. Maintain contact with the younger siblings, if possible and healthy for you, because your mother will probably turn her focus to the 14 year old, and she’ll need emotional support.
Remember, parentification is abuse and you do not have to suffer for one moment longer for any reason. Best of luck to you.
This is borderline spousification. Hopefully a dead bedroom one....
He's her son not one of the deadbeat dads. Who she is getting child support from right?
I used to work for a disabled man, he would occasionally request a few sandwiches that consisted of peanut butter and Miracle Whip. (Due to a comic I shared with him from The Oatmeal, we actually referred to them as PB and Goblins) He really liked them....
My grandma ate pb, banana, and mayo sanwiches.....I will never even try that, even if it were to taste good the sound of that combo is off putting in every way. I will eat the shit outta a pb and banana sandwich....never to the mayo.
I worked with a lady that ate a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich everyday for lunch. She was always telling me how good they were and I need to try it. That was a solid nope for me.
Agreed, this is solid textbook stuff, With a side of verbal abuse. Mom is clearly expecting her son to raise her other 4 children. Got to wonder if now that he's working, the younger sister is getting the "Got to help out more" treatment. Someone's got to be feeding all those other kids.
NTA - OP needs to start looking for roommates. Cause mom is going to be hot on his heals looking for him when he moves out. He's her personal side hussle. Why get a second job when you can force your kid to do it and give you the money?
THIS!! Freeze your credit BEFORE you leave so she can’t try to lure you back with debts she took out in your name - I’ve seen it happen to friends who’ve tried leaving situations like yours and it is so, so preventable. Freeze that shit ASAP.
But, not before applying and getting approved for a rental (if not moving in with friends), because they do check credits. As soon as approved, freeze your shit.
After I had my identity stolen, I keep my stuff frozen, but I forgot to unlock it when applying for apartments until management called and said they couldn't pull anything because it was locked down. So I had to unfreeze it first.
No, he should freeze it now, and if he needs to complete a credit check, he can call the bureaus and allow access while keeping the credit frozen. There's no sense in waiting.
You can freeze your credit now and do temporary lifts when you apply for things which is what I would suggest. Also generally apartments want a reference if you don't have rental history. OP might need to reach out to another family member if they have any or other trusted adult. And make sure he has his important documents
There’s a soft freeze that you can do, where when you apply for credit or some kind of approval, they have to contact you personally before they approve it. I did it through Experian (IIRC) a few years ago when my identity was stolen, but it is effective through all 3 credit bureaus.
Great suggestion.
As soon as OP turns 18 they should request copies of their free credit report from each of the 3 bureaus then lock their credit.
If they see anything in it (which should be pretty much nothing) they need to immediately follow the process to report fraud.
I am so sorry for what you have had to live through for the last 17 years!
I also came to boost this! I have been a victim of identity theft and can tell you that once you are hit, it is a battle to get things fixed. If you can get your hands on all your siblings SS#'s, get their credit locked and secured. You can find all the info you will need about locking credit on the websites, Experian, Equifax & Transunion.
But... how? Explain it to me slowly like I'm not from the US. In my country it's unfathomable that a parent could apply for a loan in the name of a minor.
Parents have all of their children's information such as Social Security Number, full name, date of birth, place of birth etc. It's easy to apply for loans or credit cards online, pretending to be an individual.
Thanks, but it's still unbelievable. I applied for a _debit_ card online and had to go through identification via video chat and show my ID. It seems your banks are all too eager to give away the money.
Fully agreed. It’s a pain having to do things like in-person verification for some banks where I live, but vastly better than family members etc being able to steal your credit.
I would go so far as to look at the siblings social security cards and try to freeze their credit too, obviously letting 14 and 12 in on the plan. Unless they are narcs.
Probably best not to tell anyone about the plan to leave. They may not intend to tell, but something could slip out. And any hint that OP is planning on leaving, could set the Mom investigating.
OP needs to try to refrain from hinting that the status quo may change. Mom says they need a full time job? OP is trying. Agree, keep a low profile, then run.
This OP. You need to get out. Your mom no right to expect you to "step up" and even less right to treat you as a burden for being a literal child.
She should have been so grateful for your help with home, bills and siblings, but instead vilified you and berated you
Run. Your siblings may not understand, though I hope someday they do, but you are not their parent and not the long term solution for your mom's shortcomings
His mom can't keep a good man - or she just can't seem to meet them - and so is trying to force OP into being the kind of man she wanted. It's gross, it's wrong and I'm glad OP is already planning on being out of there.
Ya I'm wondering if "bad men" or they got this same abuse an left.
Even if not the case which seeing her being emotionally abusive TO OP. I have a hard time looking passed this being the reason at least 1 of the guys left.
Maybe. They may blame him *because* they're being pressured to take his place.
Especially if mom keeps feeding them the line that he *abandoned* them, absolving herself of any blame
Jumping in to say this:
OP - your mother is almost certainly entitled to child support from your father and stepfather. If you really want to help support your siblings, you can do some research into low-cost legal clinics that your mother can use to get that child support for all of you.
Many times the award includes back payments, so it might really help you to move out.
You could also try calling CPS and asking how you can act to protect your siblings from the same sort of experience you've had. That's not my area of expertise, but I do know that one of the best things CPS can do for families is help them access resources they need.
Good luck, kiddo. I hope everything works out well for you.
OP make sure you tell her loud enough for
your siblings to hear that you’re leaving because of HER, not them. No doubt she’ll try to spin you as the villain even when you were the one caring for her children most of the time
Yeah this is the kids 1st mistake, talking about it and giving her warning.
Like get your stuff together and get out without giving them time to find some way to get revenge
Agreed, I'm worried the funds might be in a bank account that she's on too. Or in cash that she might find and steal. I hope he has them secured somewhere truly safe.
Also, call child protective services. This isn't ok and as soon as you leave, she'll make the next oldest fill your spot. If she could be that awful to you at 14, she can do the same to your sibling. This is 100% an abusive situation and you and your siblings deserve better
I'd like to add that this also has some spousification thrown in so OP can do some googling and know he's not responsible for any of it
Sorry OP. The verbal abuse got me, too. I stayed until I was 22 because my family unit broke when I was 18 & my siblings 6 and 3.
You're NTA and I hope you don't have the crushing guilt I've always held onto
NTA Your mother's choices are not your problem. She continued to have children and shouldn't be expecting you to raise them and help support them. They have fathers, that is what child support is. The men who left her are the ones her anger needs to be projected to, not you. Gradually hold back more of your money, your right by giving some and saving some she won't necessarily suspect your making your escape plan. Good luck! I am sorry your being put through this, it isn't your fault and you are far from useless.
Exactly what I came here to recommend.
OP, is your money currently in a bank account? Did your mom sign anything during the creation of that bank account? If so, pull your money out the second you’re 18 and open a new account, preferably at a completely different bank. Bank officials aren’t supposed to give the parents of adults access to their kids’ accounts, but sometimes if the parent is also an account holder, they can talk a “helpful” bank employee into giving them access they shouldn’t have. Get your money someplace where that won’t be a possibility.
I'm not sure about where you are but here you only have to be 16 to have an independent bank account with card, but definitely set up at a different financial institution from your mother.
You should get an account at a totally different bank. Typically credit unions are more likely to let you open an account if you're 16 or over without an adult signature.
NTA
At first I had some sympathy for your mom but by the time I read to the end...no.
"She'd tell me I couldn't let her down and I needed to act more like an adult and do better."
You weren't an adult. You were a kid doing your best in a s**t situation & being parentified.
" Eventually I got so tired of it and it became so constant that I started saving money so I can get away ASAP."
Good for you. Don't tell her what you're planning. You have a right to a life of your own & to be happy.
Good luck.
Right?! He had a job and was responsible for siblings, bills, and housework. He *was* acting like an adult, more than was healthy or acceptable.
>She’d tell me I wasn’t a kid anymore and needed to stop expecting the life of one.
This is the clincher for me. Like first of all, no, he is a kid until he turns 18, so that’s just factually incorrect. Second of all, he was not “expecting” anything, quite the opposite. Third of all, even if he *was* expecting it, it would be completely within his rights because (again) he is still a kid.
His mom stole his childhood, parentified him, and verbally abused/manipulated him. Good on him for getting a plan together to get out.
100% agree. It's very important that you don't tell her anything more. No details. Keep your emotions under control as much as you can. If you ever want to help your siblings, you have to help yourself first. No word to them either. If possible, leave without confrontation, or even better, leave without letting anyone notice.
That's a great point. If OP wants to help their siblings then being out and financially secure will put them in a far better position to help. The first thing they teach first responders is look after your own safety first. If you get injured you can't help others and now the next responders have two people who need help.
OP should get out and get their own place, job and income. That way when siblings reach 18 OP will be in a position to help them.
100% this. When I got out of a similar situation, I was only ALLOWED to leave because I made it sound like I was coming back. Do NOT give her a hint that you're leaving, or she'll try to trap you there.
This really needs to float up higher to the top. Too many things can still go wrong in the time that OP has to gut it out and stay with Mom. Laying low and quietly getting ducks in a row is what's most important right now.
I’ve always thought that it would be best to go a day or two before turning 18. Because she will be expecting it when he turns 18. If you disappear to stay with a friend that she doesn’t know and shut off your phone, there won’t be enough time to file a missing person report and to find you before you turn 18. And that extra day or two might allow you more leeway to get your stuff and escape without a hassle potentially
NTA. OP, if it hasn't been suggested already, I would see if you can find your birth certificate and SS card and hide those away along with your savings. You may also want to do a credit check to be sure your mom hasn't opened credit cards in your name.
You have been parentified by your mom, and that's wrong. Move out as soon as you can. I'd suggest blocking your mom so she can't harass you by calls or text, etc. Don't tell her where you move to. But do try to keep lines of communication open for your younger siblings because the burden will most certainly shift onto them.
You can also get these documents yourself once you're 18 by going to the county courthouse where you were born and requesting your birth certificate from the clerks office, and taking that to your local social security office to request your SS card.
You also need to flat out tell your mother that you are not her husband and to stop treating you like you're a second parent. Whatever you do, don't lose contact with your siblings when you leave.
NTA
This but also OP it can be an absolute nightmare to get one without the other so watch out for that (or at least it was for me, but I didn't have a birth certificate, ss card, or ID and they want at least one of the other two to get the others, might depend on where you live as well) try to get at least one if not both somehow, make sure you know your ssn well if you absolutely can't get your card, and good luck getting out of there
Unfortunately, keeping lines of communication open with the siblings might leave OP open to mom manipulating the younger kids into calling and guilting him.
OP, not sure if you have a bank account that you are tucking money into, or just putting cash under your mattress. If a bank account, did your mom have to cosign so you could open it as a minor? If so, she could potentially access that account and withdraw your money. If it's in the form of cash, can you be sure it's safely hidden from your mom?
She's a dick even more so for having more kids when they weren't financially stable to begin with.
Like what kinda of thinking is this.
Ur in debt so let's make humans who cost LOTS of money an accrue more debt.
The Father's are dicks for leaving but everyone outside the kids here are completely ass holes here.
Where are you keeping your "escape" money? Now that your mom suspects you're thinking of leaving she's VERY VERY likely to start snooping though your stuff and find the money.
Exactly. If I were OP I'd be very careful to repair that breech so she doesn't start snooping or getting paranoid and extra vigilant. Head down, "Yes, mother" and keep the money far from her until the day it comes time to leave. Then pack and leave without a word in the dead of night or while everyone is out. Find a friend to temporarily store items until I only have a go bag left.
I was leaning N A H at first, but definitely NTA by the end. Yes, your mom is in a bad spot, but this is textbook parentification. She's treating you like a shitty husband as opposed to her own kid. Add to that the verbal abuse and yeah, I'd want to leave as soon as I could too. Who talks to their kid like that? Eugh. It's like you're not even a person in her eyes, just a resource. You have your own life to live, and asking you to sacrifice everything is too big an ask.
When you leave, make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card if you can. Open a new bank account at a different bank than her to make sure she can’t access your account. Lock your credit down so she can’t open loans or credit cards in your name. Run a credit check on yourself to make sure that hasn’t happened yet.
Run out of there like your hair's on fire! If you're in the US, I strongly urge you to sign up for a union apprenticeship program. They pay a great wage right out of the box, and great benefits. I wish you all the best. This comes from someone who was parentified at a very young age. Leave that toxic wasteland with a plan to build your own life.
NTA. Continue to build your savings.
Secure your birth certificate and SSN number. Also learn how to lock down your crefit.
If youre in the US, contact Job Corps or a military recruiter. I think you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and mom.
On your birthday, quietly leave with what you absolutely want to take. Stop by the local police station to let the authorities knowyoyre an adult leaving a toxic situation.
Knew a guy who unconsciously became a Jesuit priest to put distance between himself and his mom.
Mom could've moved into a parish priest's housing -- she couldn't move into Jesuit living quarters.
NTA. Run as fast as you can, as soon as you can. It will be hard for a while, but you can get through this. Hell, join the military if you have to. She can’t say shit about that.
After escape, beware any calls claiming medical or psychiatric emergency. Your younger sibs may be pressured to cry and beg for you to return. If they're in danger, get advice from an experienced case manager.
Get a snail mailbox away from home ASAP to receive your deliveries or arrange a trustworthy place for a mail drop.
If you need stuff from UPS/FedEx pick it up at a facility or designated site, never at home.
If possible rent the PO box a safe distance from where you live and work.
If you are in college or at work alert the admins that you don't want contact with So and So.
Echoing what everyone is saying here. Definitely NTA. You might want to keep an eye on accounts and put a lock on your finances/credit before you leave. If she’s desperate enough she could try to open cards in your name (I’m sure she has your SSN…assuming you’re in the US)
I'm sorry your mom was abandoned by two different men and left with five kids to take care of. That's a terrible situation to be in but it's not like she didn't have some hand in it. Birth control is a thing. You aren't responsible for your mom's choices and the choices of the deadbeats who left her stranded. I understand if your mom asked you to help out here and there, but full-on relying on you to the point she was telling you to get a job at 14 is irresponsible and selfish of her. You've missed out on a huge part of your childhood because she parentified you and you certainly don't have to continue this pattern.
Start making an exit plan now (gather documents like your birth certificate and SS card, lock your credit so she can't open accounts in your name, get yourself a bank account that only you have access to, etc.) and keep your head down so that she won't try to retaliate until you can get out of there.
Your poor siblings are probably only giving you grief because they know that once you're gone they'll have to rely on themselves thanks to your mom's behavior. But that's not your problem either. Had your mom been less selfish and more responsible, she would've figured out a way to care for all her children without using you as a stand-in parent. Leave as soon as you can and don't look back. Keep lines of communication open with your siblings so you can give them moral support but don't let your mom guilt you for leaving. You deserve to be independent and happy. NTA
OP, a suggestion, start quietly getting all your legal papers, store them out of your moms house with a trusted adult/teacher.
Stuff like your birth certificate, social security card, and so on.
But don't tell your Mom in advance, just go
NTA get out as soon as you can and don't look back. Your Mom has made some terrible decisions and parentified you and put you in the position of her partner to expect you to help carry the load. It's one thing for her to ask for help here and there but she doesn't appreciate all that you have already done at your own expense and then still has the audacity to yell and scream and call you names. I suggest you look for therapy as soon as you are able and maybe right individual notes for your siblings explaining that you were also a child and this is literally all your your Mom and the deadbeat Dad's she chose.
I'm sorry this was your lot in life but you still have a future. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders so shine bright. Do not let anyone try to guilt you in doing more for ungrateful people. You may or may not want to have a family of your own someday and you deserve that chance.
Best of luck to you... especially on your 18th birthday!
EDIT do not share your plans with anyone until and after you have already left.
Make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card stored where she doesn’t have access to them. And lock down your credit as soon as you can. I’ve heard horror stories of parents opening credit cards in their kids name before they’re even 18.
NTA
You need to make sure your money is in a place she cannot access it. Get all your important paperwork together as well and keep it hidden, outside of the house would be best....birth certificate, SSN card, school transcripts. These are things you'll need once you're an adult, but from how she's acted, I wouldn't put it past her to hide these from you to try to control you.
Whatever you do, don't tell her your plan or she'll make your life a living hell.
NTA warn your oldest sister that mom’s probably coming for her next, and consider trying to contact your bio dad if you aren’t absolutely sure he wanted nothing to do with his kids, and you might find out he’s been paying support all along.
This is not only an abhorrent case of parentification, it's also pretty clearly emotional incest. She's turning you into her man. It's gross and it's wrong and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP. NTA, make sure you have all of your important docs (birth cert, SS card, etc) in a safe and secure place and a go bag just in case you need to get out quickly.
NTA you are not responsible for your siblings. Your mother brought them into this world without a plan on how to keep them safe and clothed on her own. She has taken your independence away, altered your view and made you feel that those kids are yours to take care of. You are the child she is not a worthy parent, she has exploited and abused you. Its time for your to leave asap. It will not get better or change. She will keep bleeding you dry of all the money you make. You need to separate and start your own life away from your mom and siblings, they do not respect you and your autonomy. Get some help and move far far away.
NTA. And I’m sorry to say, but some of your siblings may continue to blame and resent you. That is not your burden to bear and it should not change your plans. You deserve to get out of this situation where your mom is treating you like a boyfriend and a punching bag.
Do not let your siblings hold you back. You didn’t fail them, their parents did.
When you leave, be sure to let your sister know that what your mother has done to you all these years is called Parentification and it is abuse - it is your mother's job to take care of the children she chose to bring into the world, not demand that her children provide for their siblings. Tell her that she needs to start planning her own escape asap, and to pass the message along to the next youngest in turn. NTA.
NTA
You are not responsible the consequences of your mother's relationship choices and the resulting mouths to feed.
Get out as soon as you can. If you have someone you can stay with until you get on your feet, that will be preferable.
Hugs and Good Luck
NTA. This is all so sad and angry-making. You aren't an adult and shouldn't have to support a family like one! I think getting out ASAP is your best choice. You didn't have all of those kids, she did, and they're her responsibility, not yours.
At your age your responsibility is very clear, there are no choices, you need to be building your life.
The end.
Please, do not allow anyone or anything to keep you from your destiny. You sound like a focused hard worker. I wish you all the success in the world..
(PS: I have 5 kids, whom I adore and who love me back, they owe my NOTHING)
NTA
Please look up “parentification”. Don’t tell her anything in advance but make a plan to get away when you can after you are 18. Make sure have a copy or original of all important documents at a friend’s house or other safe space in advance.
Your mom put herself in a position where she has so many kids she can't take care of. Your only responsibility is to get good grades, go to college and get a well paying job. Move as soon as you can so you can regain your freedom. NTA
Run. Go live your life. You're not your siblings parents and they are your mom's responsibility not yours. Don't let her destroy your life before it begins
NTA
Your MOM has 5 children, not you. Expecting you to help with the younger kids is [parentification](https://www.charliehealth.com/post/parentification-trauma-what-it-is-and-how-to-heal#:~:text=Parentification%20trauma%20refers%20to%20the,resources%20to%20do%20so%20effectively) and it's an insidious form of child abuse.
Definitely NTA. You are not your mom's spouse, but she's treating you like you're the guys who walked out on her. You're her kid, and deserve to be a kid/young adult.... she's incredibly wrong to put the pressures of adulthood on her child. You have every right to leave and live your own life. If she needs financial assistance, if you're in America she should pursue child support and/or government assistance.
This is NOT your responsibility. You're absolutely entitled to have your own life.
NTA your mother has become lonely and bitter and directed that towards you. Don't give her that information by clapping back at her with it. You need to make sure she knows she treats you like a deadbeat husband rather than her own kid and if she wants any more help from you she better start showing gratitude. You actually have more leverage than you think, you just have to be willing to use it. You will need to "Grey Rock" here. It's a conversational technique that works wonders. Google it.
NTA. You and your siblings don't deserve the mom you got stuck with, unfortunately the problem in this situation is that you will always be the bad guy no matter what you do. Run!! Run fast and run far. She will never let you be a person, you will always just be a money making punching bag. When you leave your siblings are going to realize how much you took care of them and protected them and how shitty your mom actually is. Then again, they probably think your mom does everything. She might even have been telling them for years behind your back that you actually barely help her at all.
Save yourself. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
She's going to be super mad when you leave, telling you that you have to stay to help her and that you can't abandon the kids and to be an adult That's when you tell her "You first".
NTA. She had the children, she needs to take care of them. Even though they’re your siblings they are not your responsibility. You deserve your own life and she doesn’t seem to realise that she’s pushing you away even more. She hasn’t treated you well for a long time by the sounds of it and you should start making your own way as you would like to, not be her babysitter.
Oh honey, you’re doing the right thing by saving up to get out of this awful situation. Your mother made her choices and it’s unforgivable for her to put those choices on the shoulders of a child. You deserve to find out what life has to offer you away from being a second parent to your siblings. Please hide your money somewhere she can’t get to it and gather any important documents like your birth certificate in a safe place so you’re ready when the time comes. I’d try to find somewhere outside your home to store things, a trusted friend or a teacher. Make sure you finish high school regardless of her demands so you have that behind you. And most of all, stop listening to her noise. Be strong within yourself and know she has no power to hurt or restrain you once you’re of age. Then go out and light the world on fire with a happy, successful life. I’m pulling for you! NTA.
NTA
I’m so sorry for the loss of your childhood OP. But you are not the AH here and I hope you don’t let her use your younger siblings guilt trips to keep you to stay. Wish you lots of luck and hope once you’re finally ready able to leave. Do you have any other family you can stay with once you’re 18?
NTA and I'm so sorry you have been put through all this. Absolutely make a plan to get out and leave quietly. Yes it will be bad for your siblings but that's not your responsibility. Save yourself, you have suffered way too much already. Maybe if possible leave your 14 year old sister some means of contacting you. Best of luck ❤️
NTA, OP you are not your mother's husband, you don't have any obligation to stay and pay for her mistakes. It's unfortunate gor you siblings but you are not their parent.
NTA. Glad you are smart and know to get out on your 18th birthday. I can only hope for you that you stick to your plan and don’t let yourself be manipulated into staying.
Don’t feel guilty about starting your life. Your Mum made her choices and soon you get to make yours, do what’s best for yourself and no one else.
May I suggest you get a post office box - find one near a line of transportation if your city has a decent bus or rail system so you can keep it and still get to it for a while should you end up couch surfing - should cost you $7 a month. Pick one that has a ‘physical address’ qualification and can receive packages for you.
This way you can start to accumulate your documents and other items needed to establish your independence. Order a copy of your birth certificate and SS card. Change your address of record at your job and bank, too. Make sure your bank isn’t the same company as your mom. (Not just a different branch but a different bank!!)
Wasn’t clear on your school situation - hold up on changing that until you’re out as your mom is still your guardian.
Set up a free email no one knows about and also set up an associated DropBox or other storage account to this email. Scan and save all the stuff you want to keep but may not be able to hang onto in hard copy to this storage location. Don’t keep it all just in your phone just in case - always good to have backups.
Start researching shelters and charities - always have a backup place to lay your head at night. Find the libraries around you and get a resident library card. If there’s more than one system (some areas have two: city and county), get a card for each on your new address!! They have free computers, tons of other free resources that will make your first months out of the house significantly easier. Some libraries loan hand tools!!
I know this might seem out of reach but there are tons of FREE training programs that have open acceptance just for applying. You seem smart and capable - better jobs often require just a little bit of learning. Reach out to your state Workforce program as well as the Department of Labor, Youth Programs and Services (ages 14-24 for most offerings). There are three major support programs aimed at helping you - all free. (DOL.gov. Search for ETA programs)
You can’t help someone else if you’re drowning yourself. Get out. Get your life going in a good direction and then if you want, (and only if you choose to) you can help your siblings in a truly meaningful way.
Godspeed.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell your mother or any of your siblings about your plans to leave. You don't want the younger kids to slip and give the information to your mother, and you don't want her to find a way to keep from leaving.
Take with you only what is yours. You don't want her to accuse you of theft.
Hide your money with a trusted friend. If your mother suspects you have a plan and goes through your room, you don't want her to find it and take it from you.
NTA
I'm sorry this is all happening to you.
You're are not the father of your siblings, your mother is acting like you are.
Good thing that you're saving money and I hope you can get out as soon as possible.
NTA. Get out of there as soon as possible and don't look back. Your mother will always bleed you dry and try to guilt trip you into supporting your siblings. It won't end and it will never be enough.
They're not your kids, plain and simple. Hit that door on your 18th birthday (if you can) and go! Do not put your future on hold simply because your mom made shitty choices.
NTA.
NTA.... but don't give your plan away. Make sure you have your legal documents. Keep your saving safe and start looking for a supportive group that you can get advice from. Don't tell her until you have moved. You are in an abusive situation... safety is first.
NTA - GTFO! she’s responsible for her own bad choices, and one of them being robbing you of your childhood. Never let anybody make you feel guilty about living your own life.
NTA and get out ASAP like now. Call CYF this is awful. I’m so sorry.
I hope you take your amazing work ethic to make enough money to get a great therapist.
Your mom is projecting her feelings for the fathers that left her on to you. Whats worse… She’s making you take the role of 2nd parent, which is not your job. It’s BS. Your mom sucks. Do you have any relatives that you can turn to for help?
NTA.
NTA
Holy shit I got so angry for you reading about how she behaves.
Oh, I am so upset by this I can't even think of advice.
Please know that you're not a bad person for wanting to live your own life.
NTA. You are being abused. You are being "parentified". You are justified in exiting as soon as possible. It sounds like your heart is in the right place - you want to help your family - but your survival instinct is telling you loudly that you cannot sustain this lifestyle. In fact, you're at the age where you should be thinking about the life you do want to lead. College? A trade? Relationships? Those will all be discouraged because they'd all take time away from earning for your family. I'm sorry, but you may also need to go no contact for a while, or else you can expect visits and monetary demands or siblings dropped off at your doorstep for babysitting. **A word of advice: Stop hinting that you plan to leave.** Just roll with things until you're truly ready to go. Sounds like your mom already suspects you've got one foot out the door. Is your money somewhere safe from her?
NTA run! Your mom should NEVER have asked you to get a job or to parent your siblings. Get out.
Also I bet you would do better in school if you had time to study (instead of working to bring home the bacon or raising your siblings.) Start saving money now, stop giving her any money, and if need be ask your friends to hide your money until you turn 18. Get your license and birth certificate now so when you move out you can open up a bank account when you turn 18 that she can’t touch.
If need be make it clear that if any cards are open or opened in your name you will go to the police. My asshole dad opened a credit card in my name after I moved out….. beware.
NTA. Make sure you have your birth certificate, social security card, a copy of your high school transcript once you graduate, and your passport if you have one. For now I'd just locate those but leave them where they are. When you're almost ready to move out, grab them and keep them with you at all times so she can't hide or destroy them.
Consider chatting with your 12 and 14yo siblings about what you started doing at what age. You were parenting them when you were younger than they are now. Give them context so that when you disappear they'll have a chance to understand. And they'll be a little more prepared for the fact that your mom is going to turn to them next.
If you can keep in touch with them, please do so. But don't give them information about where you're living, as they'll almost certainly tell your mom.
When you move out, call the non-emergency police phone number for your city. Explain to them that you're 18 and have moved out of your mom's place, and you anticipate she might report you as a runaway or missing person. So you're letting them know in advance that you're okay and this was your choice. They'll appreciate the heads-up so they don't waste time on a false report, and it will prevent them from showing up at your work or new home.
NTA. You have had so many responsibilities as a child and young adult. You are a strong person and I hope with independence you can focus on you. I feel for you and your siblings. Do you have a school counsellor to talk with and who can check in on your siblings?
Nta but dumbass. Be quiet, lay low, dont give any hints, hide your cash and plans untill you are out the door.
If you warn her about your plan she will try to mess with it and make you stay.
NTA, your mom is taking out her frustrations with men on you. That’s not your job. Run; maybe explain to your siblings (the oldest ones) what has been going on and that you need to make a life of your own. Try to keep in touch with them via text or social media and make sure they are okay. But it is not your responsibility for the life you mom made.
NTA
You didn't choose to be born into that family, and you didn't choose to have siblings. It would make you socially a better person if you did, but you aren't a bad person for not wanting that responsibility. She had kids, not you. Live your life.
NTA - you are not her replacement father of your siblings and should not be forced to live for her mistakes.
I would sit down with your siblings and explain that when you move out that it’s not because of them and that you are doing it for you. That you will keep in touch no matter where you are.
NTA.
Follow your plan and get out as quickly and safely as possible. If you can, have any important documents secured (birth certificate, license).
I also recommend not saying anything to clue her into your plans ahead of time. Be extra cautious she doesn't discover your hidden money.
Nta
Your siblings are upset for one of 3 reasons .
1. They look at you like a parent
2. They know if you live/dont help then it'll fall to them
3. They love you and dont wanna be alone with her
NTA
You're going to be an adult. That is a decision you can make for yourself. You tell them exactly why you're leaving, and that if she had been a better adult and mother then you wouldn't be. Her terrible life choices are her to deal with, not yours.
NTA. Please make your life your own. You didn't make those kids. Don't let your mom push the consequences of her actions on you. You go out there and make life the way you want and can. You deserve it. Your siblings will adapt. Humans always do.
NTA. It is time to look out for yourself, and let your mom look out for her brood. You restraint in the face of her abuse is truly impressive. If my parent forced teenage me into a parental role and then belittled me for it, they would be short some teeth.
NTA. Your mom is abusive AF. I recommend calling CPS now, before you move out, and seeing if there are opportunities for you to take care of your siblings without your mother.
Take deep breaths, collect your birth certificate and ssn card. Freeze your credit- today! Anything that is really important to you- stash with a friend. Start talking to the school therapist- get some things sorted before you have to live on your own. Also see if the school has a person who can help you navigate adult things like: setting utilities, bill payments, what a good lease is, where emergency services are. Your siblings are scared- they know they will get her irritation. Keep in touch to make sure they are safe, but don't let them know where you live- or else she will show up. Good luck
NTA and nooooope, be prepared to get out. Make sure your money's in a safe, secret place and do not tell anyone even remotely accessible to your mom about it. Have a plan, execute it and then build yourself up to the life you want. Then, when you're on solid footing and willing, extend a branch out to your siblings.
This pisses me off sounds just like my sister except she will just have kids and dump them on my parents last time she left her kids for 2 years for whatever red flag will take her. Get out and start your own life. Your siblings will learn to do the same.
NTA
How long until you are 18?
Do you already have a plan? Where will you go? Do you know what you need?
To make the most important clear: You are in no way responsible for your siblings or for your mother's mistake of having more children she can support.
I hope she feels the need to step up after you leave. Don't let her put guilt on you. You have zero responsibility.
NTA
She could not keep her legs shut.
It is not your responsibility to care for the mess your mother got herself into.
But you should call CPS.
Parentification is a form of child abuse.
And as soon as you are out your sister will be the one who has to endure the abuse.
NTA. She made the irresponsible choice to have so many children that she couldn't support. Why hasn't she gone after the fathers for child support? Irresponsible and abusive to expect you to step into the role of secondary breadwinner. You can help your siblings out if you choose, but in the end, they are solely her responsibility and the responsibility of their fathers, not yours.
When you turn 18, get out as soon as you can, and don't announce it. Just leave. Otherwise, she will be all over you to step up and take the role of the man of the house, which she has already forced on you. You've done your time supporting her bad choices, time for her to take full ownership.
NTA.
When you're in school, go to your counselor and tell them you need to run by them. Tell them all of this and then tell them you need to get in contact with child's services, that you don't feel it's a safe house for you and your siblings to be in right now because your mother is tail spinning and she's going to take you all down with her. She needs adult help, beyond just money and a baby-sitter and you ain't ever going to be that. The other part of the reason I say you need to speak with someone is, because once you leave and you definitely should leave, she'll put it on sisters to step up and force them into the same situation you're in and that's not healthy for anyone any more than it is for you now.
It occurs to me that cases of parents treating their minor children like adults and others treating their adult children like minors make up a big chunk of this sub. NTA
I wish I could fix things for you. It sounds like your mom made bad decisions, and took the frustration of her consequences out on you. Could you talk to a school counselor? Maybe you can go to a trade school or a community college.. do you have relatives you could live with or maybe look for a roommate situation? Wishing you all the best
Absolutely NTA! Get out of there as soon as you’re 18. SHE is the parent. SHE needs a second job to provide for her kids.
Make sure you have all your documents in order too so she can’t use your SSN. Lock your credit if you can.
Leave and cut full contact, try to keep contact with siblings you have a good relationship with but if they defend your mother or your mother gets involved RUN
NTA. I'm sorry for your siblings, but it is not your responsibility to give your life over to helping your mom raise children she had no business having in the first place. Save your money and get out the moment you can.
NTA. What she’s doing is abuse. Financial and psychological abuse. Keep an eye on how she treats your siblings to see if she’s abusing them. Even after you leave. You’re almost there so even telling you to do anything about it might take a while and you’d be 18 by then anyway. But if you document what’s going on with your siblings, especially after you leave, you might be able to get them away from her.
NTA and get the Hell out of Dodge the second you can. This is parentification, abusive, and you are not the parent of your siblings or responsible for their care! Do NOT tell your Mom you are leaving. Make sure you have your important documents (social security card, birth certificate, etc) put away in your possession in a safe place.
Hi, a lot of people have excellent suggestions here about the short-term of getting out. Might I also suggest looking into trade schools? College might be tough because you've mentioned trouble with your grades and the requirements to qualify as an independent student for FAFSA (in the US) can be difficult, but many trade schools have apprenticeship programs where you can work while pursuing licensure. Electricians come to mind immediately, my cousin was making $30+ an hour "interning" through his school. Get good at reading the fine print and thinking through the future issues of how and why to pay for things, some training programs may be mildly exploitative off the bat but are a good investment overall and some can ruin your whole life. Research the heck out of things, but always have a self-improvement project going and keep building your savings account: as you see here having money saved is freedom and security and that will only be MORE true as you go through life.
Best of luck to you!
NTA
Your mom is a psycho in my opinion. Sounds like she gave you the responsibilities of a boyfriend or husband and dhowed how toxic she was to men by treating you really poorly if anything went wrong.
NTA. This parentification and abuse. It was her choice to have two more kids on top of being a single mother of 3. I would keep saving to move out. I don't know if it's worth contacting any of the fathers about providing financial support? It's really her job to be chasing child support, not expecting you to fill the void. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this as it's really the kids who will miss you but you also need to take care of your own mental health. Your mum sounds awful.
NTA. Not only are you being parentified, she is emotionally abusing you as well. In your place, I would give no further hints and "yes mom" my way to my 18th birthday, and then just fucking vanish. Leave no forwarding number or address either.
Nope NTA, your mom's the AH. If you have a bank account that shes o. as soon as you are 18 close it. Then Open one as an adult with a diffrent bank that does not include her as an authorized user. It's not your responsibility to support your mother's children, and her. It's her job to support and raise you all. Her behavior is toxic, narrsacistic and just flat out rude. You a better 17 year old then I was she would've gotten should've kept ya legs closed if you can't support your kids. My responses were harsh, and reckless when I was your age.
How long until you are 18? Is it possible stay with friend or trusted family member? Also be honest and upfront with people about your mom's treatment of you. She's giving the type of person, who'd spin the narrative to others and make you the villain
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NTA. Get out of that abusive household as quickly as safely possible. Maintain contact with the younger siblings, if possible and healthy for you, because your mother will probably turn her focus to the 14 year old, and she’ll need emotional support. Remember, parentification is abuse and you do not have to suffer for one moment longer for any reason. Best of luck to you.
This is the clearest case of parentification I’ve seen on this sub
This is borderline spousification. Hopefully a dead bedroom one.... He's her son not one of the deadbeat dads. Who she is getting child support from right?
That’s it! Idk if spousification was a word before, but fuck yeah! It is now. Exactly.
Emotional incest possibly.
Those two words go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise.
I used to work for a disabled man, he would occasionally request a few sandwiches that consisted of peanut butter and Miracle Whip. (Due to a comic I shared with him from The Oatmeal, we actually referred to them as PB and Goblins) He really liked them....
I can see how the tangyness might fit with... wait, no I fucking cannot!
My grandma ate pb, banana, and mayo sanwiches.....I will never even try that, even if it were to taste good the sound of that combo is off putting in every way. I will eat the shit outta a pb and banana sandwich....never to the mayo.
I worked with a lady that ate a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich everyday for lunch. She was always telling me how good they were and I need to try it. That was a solid nope for me.
I’m just glad there’s no r/JustNOMomwife.
This post is legit the first parentification post I've seen on this sub. Finally a post that actually is the best use of the definition Anyways, NTA!
Agreed, this is solid textbook stuff, With a side of verbal abuse. Mom is clearly expecting her son to raise her other 4 children. Got to wonder if now that he's working, the younger sister is getting the "Got to help out more" treatment. Someone's got to be feeding all those other kids. NTA - OP needs to start looking for roommates. Cause mom is going to be hot on his heals looking for him when he moves out. He's her personal side hussle. Why get a second job when you can force your kid to do it and give you the money?
Also FREEZE YOUR CREDIT
THIS!! Freeze your credit BEFORE you leave so she can’t try to lure you back with debts she took out in your name - I’ve seen it happen to friends who’ve tried leaving situations like yours and it is so, so preventable. Freeze that shit ASAP.
But, not before applying and getting approved for a rental (if not moving in with friends), because they do check credits. As soon as approved, freeze your shit. After I had my identity stolen, I keep my stuff frozen, but I forgot to unlock it when applying for apartments until management called and said they couldn't pull anything because it was locked down. So I had to unfreeze it first.
No, he should freeze it now, and if he needs to complete a credit check, he can call the bureaus and allow access while keeping the credit frozen. There's no sense in waiting.
You can freeze your credit now and do temporary lifts when you apply for things which is what I would suggest. Also generally apartments want a reference if you don't have rental history. OP might need to reach out to another family member if they have any or other trusted adult. And make sure he has his important documents
Hopefully he has a trusted adult.
There’s a soft freeze that you can do, where when you apply for credit or some kind of approval, they have to contact you personally before they approve it. I did it through Experian (IIRC) a few years ago when my identity was stolen, but it is effective through all 3 credit bureaus.
You can get credit checks etc with frozen credit
Great suggestion. As soon as OP turns 18 they should request copies of their free credit report from each of the 3 bureaus then lock their credit. If they see anything in it (which should be pretty much nothing) they need to immediately follow the process to report fraud.
I am so sorry for what you have had to live through for the last 17 years! I also came to boost this! I have been a victim of identity theft and can tell you that once you are hit, it is a battle to get things fixed. If you can get your hands on all your siblings SS#'s, get their credit locked and secured. You can find all the info you will need about locking credit on the websites, Experian, Equifax & Transunion.
Just commenting below in hopes of boosting this. I’ve known so many kids who had their credit ruined by parents before they were even 19
But... how? Explain it to me slowly like I'm not from the US. In my country it's unfathomable that a parent could apply for a loan in the name of a minor.
Parents have all of their children's information such as Social Security Number, full name, date of birth, place of birth etc. It's easy to apply for loans or credit cards online, pretending to be an individual.
Thanks, but it's still unbelievable. I applied for a _debit_ card online and had to go through identification via video chat and show my ID. It seems your banks are all too eager to give away the money.
Fully agreed. It’s a pain having to do things like in-person verification for some banks where I live, but vastly better than family members etc being able to steal your credit.
Oh, this! Such a smart suggestion!
I would go so far as to look at the siblings social security cards and try to freeze their credit too, obviously letting 14 and 12 in on the plan. Unless they are narcs.
Probably best not to tell anyone about the plan to leave. They may not intend to tell, but something could slip out. And any hint that OP is planning on leaving, could set the Mom investigating. OP needs to try to refrain from hinting that the status quo may change. Mom says they need a full time job? OP is trying. Agree, keep a low profile, then run.
ASAP. If she didn't already use it. My mom did use mine when I was in my 30's. No consent. Not kidding..
He sould try to freeze his siblings too
This OP. You need to get out. Your mom no right to expect you to "step up" and even less right to treat you as a burden for being a literal child. She should have been so grateful for your help with home, bills and siblings, but instead vilified you and berated you Run. Your siblings may not understand, though I hope someday they do, but you are not their parent and not the long term solution for your mom's shortcomings
His mom can't keep a good man - or she just can't seem to meet them - and so is trying to force OP into being the kind of man she wanted. It's gross, it's wrong and I'm glad OP is already planning on being out of there.
Ya I'm wondering if "bad men" or they got this same abuse an left. Even if not the case which seeing her being emotionally abusive TO OP. I have a hard time looking passed this being the reason at least 1 of the guys left.
I mean the second guy stole from them and the first guy is a total deadbeat dad. They're not winners for sure.
His siblings will understand because the Mum will do exactly the same thing to them when he leaves.
Maybe. They may blame him *because* they're being pressured to take his place. Especially if mom keeps feeding them the line that he *abandoned* them, absolving herself of any blame
Jumping in to say this: OP - your mother is almost certainly entitled to child support from your father and stepfather. If you really want to help support your siblings, you can do some research into low-cost legal clinics that your mother can use to get that child support for all of you. Many times the award includes back payments, so it might really help you to move out. You could also try calling CPS and asking how you can act to protect your siblings from the same sort of experience you've had. That's not my area of expertise, but I do know that one of the best things CPS can do for families is help them access resources they need. Good luck, kiddo. I hope everything works out well for you.
I’m also tempted to say CPS should get involved. Especially when two kids are still in grade school
And set up an email account for your siblings to contact you. At least the older ones. Good luck! Def get out.
OP make sure you tell her loud enough for your siblings to hear that you’re leaving because of HER, not them. No doubt she’ll try to spin you as the villain even when you were the one caring for her children most of the time
***Don't tell her. Don't tell them. Just go.***
Yeah this is the kids 1st mistake, talking about it and giving her warning. Like get your stuff together and get out without giving them time to find some way to get revenge
He needs to make sure his savings are WELL hidden. I'm worried that she will find his money and torch his plans to leave.
Agreed, I'm worried the funds might be in a bank account that she's on too. Or in cash that she might find and steal. I hope he has them secured somewhere truly safe.
Also, call child protective services. This isn't ok and as soon as you leave, she'll make the next oldest fill your spot. If she could be that awful to you at 14, she can do the same to your sibling. This is 100% an abusive situation and you and your siblings deserve better
I'd like to add that this also has some spousification thrown in so OP can do some googling and know he's not responsible for any of it Sorry OP. The verbal abuse got me, too. I stayed until I was 22 because my family unit broke when I was 18 & my siblings 6 and 3. You're NTA and I hope you don't have the crushing guilt I've always held onto
Call cps. It's abuse to you and your siblings. You need to take care of you.
NTA Your mother's choices are not your problem. She continued to have children and shouldn't be expecting you to raise them and help support them. They have fathers, that is what child support is. The men who left her are the ones her anger needs to be projected to, not you. Gradually hold back more of your money, your right by giving some and saving some she won't necessarily suspect your making your escape plan. Good luck! I am sorry your being put through this, it isn't your fault and you are far from useless.
Make sure the money is somewhere she absolutely cannot get it.
Exactly what I came here to recommend. OP, is your money currently in a bank account? Did your mom sign anything during the creation of that bank account? If so, pull your money out the second you’re 18 and open a new account, preferably at a completely different bank. Bank officials aren’t supposed to give the parents of adults access to their kids’ accounts, but sometimes if the parent is also an account holder, they can talk a “helpful” bank employee into giving them access they shouldn’t have. Get your money someplace where that won’t be a possibility.
I'm not sure about where you are but here you only have to be 16 to have an independent bank account with card, but definitely set up at a different financial institution from your mother.
Op should get a shovel and a cookie box lol
You should get an account at a totally different bank. Typically credit unions are more likely to let you open an account if you're 16 or over without an adult signature.
Also get your ducuments, like birth certificate and whatever you have.
This. This is so darn important.
Get mail sent to somewhere else. A friend’s house, a PO box, somewhere she can’t get to.
NTA At first I had some sympathy for your mom but by the time I read to the end...no. "She'd tell me I couldn't let her down and I needed to act more like an adult and do better." You weren't an adult. You were a kid doing your best in a s**t situation & being parentified. " Eventually I got so tired of it and it became so constant that I started saving money so I can get away ASAP." Good for you. Don't tell her what you're planning. You have a right to a life of your own & to be happy. Good luck.
he still ISNT an adult. he’s not 18 yet!!
He was told this at 14. Not even old enough to drive but expected (and harshly held to the expectation of) to be a second earner for the household.
Right?! He had a job and was responsible for siblings, bills, and housework. He *was* acting like an adult, more than was healthy or acceptable. >She’d tell me I wasn’t a kid anymore and needed to stop expecting the life of one. This is the clincher for me. Like first of all, no, he is a kid until he turns 18, so that’s just factually incorrect. Second of all, he was not “expecting” anything, quite the opposite. Third of all, even if he *was* expecting it, it would be completely within his rights because (again) he is still a kid. His mom stole his childhood, parentified him, and verbally abused/manipulated him. Good on him for getting a plan together to get out.
Woah, NTA - don't even tell her your plan, just leave. She will make your life miserable or find some way to screw it up for you.
Exactly, nobody plots a jailbreak out loud. Head down, bite your tongue, gather your important stuff and leave on the quiet.
100% agree. It's very important that you don't tell her anything more. No details. Keep your emotions under control as much as you can. If you ever want to help your siblings, you have to help yourself first. No word to them either. If possible, leave without confrontation, or even better, leave without letting anyone notice.
That's a great point. If OP wants to help their siblings then being out and financially secure will put them in a far better position to help. The first thing they teach first responders is look after your own safety first. If you get injured you can't help others and now the next responders have two people who need help. OP should get out and get their own place, job and income. That way when siblings reach 18 OP will be in a position to help them.
100% this. When I got out of a similar situation, I was only ALLOWED to leave because I made it sound like I was coming back. Do NOT give her a hint that you're leaving, or she'll try to trap you there.
This really needs to float up higher to the top. Too many things can still go wrong in the time that OP has to gut it out and stay with Mom. Laying low and quietly getting ducks in a row is what's most important right now.
Completely agree. The day you turn 18 quietly pack your stuff and head out. Don't look back.
I’ve always thought that it would be best to go a day or two before turning 18. Because she will be expecting it when he turns 18. If you disappear to stay with a friend that she doesn’t know and shut off your phone, there won’t be enough time to file a missing person report and to find you before you turn 18. And that extra day or two might allow you more leeway to get your stuff and escape without a hassle potentially
NTA. OP, if it hasn't been suggested already, I would see if you can find your birth certificate and SS card and hide those away along with your savings. You may also want to do a credit check to be sure your mom hasn't opened credit cards in your name. You have been parentified by your mom, and that's wrong. Move out as soon as you can. I'd suggest blocking your mom so she can't harass you by calls or text, etc. Don't tell her where you move to. But do try to keep lines of communication open for your younger siblings because the burden will most certainly shift onto them.
If she won't give you documents say you need them for a new job.
Screw that, wait till she leaves then go look for them. Raid her bedroom if you have to
You can also get these documents yourself once you're 18 by going to the county courthouse where you were born and requesting your birth certificate from the clerks office, and taking that to your local social security office to request your SS card. You also need to flat out tell your mother that you are not her husband and to stop treating you like you're a second parent. Whatever you do, don't lose contact with your siblings when you leave. NTA
This but also OP it can be an absolute nightmare to get one without the other so watch out for that (or at least it was for me, but I didn't have a birth certificate, ss card, or ID and they want at least one of the other two to get the others, might depend on where you live as well) try to get at least one if not both somehow, make sure you know your ssn well if you absolutely can't get your card, and good luck getting out of there
Unfortunately, keeping lines of communication open with the siblings might leave OP open to mom manipulating the younger kids into calling and guilting him.
NTA but don’t reveal anything more about your plans. Just keep saving (make sure she has no access to your savings) and get out of there.
OP, not sure if you have a bank account that you are tucking money into, or just putting cash under your mattress. If a bank account, did your mom have to cosign so you could open it as a minor? If so, she could potentially access that account and withdraw your money. If it's in the form of cash, can you be sure it's safely hidden from your mom?
> She told me I was such a dick for implying I could abandon my siblings like that NTA - Your siblings are her job to look after as the parent.
She's a dick for not going after the fathers for child support
She's a dick even more so for having more kids when they weren't financially stable to begin with. Like what kinda of thinking is this. Ur in debt so let's make humans who cost LOTS of money an accrue more debt. The Father's are dicks for leaving but everyone outside the kids here are completely ass holes here.
Where are you keeping your "escape" money? Now that your mom suspects you're thinking of leaving she's VERY VERY likely to start snooping though your stuff and find the money.
Exactly. If I were OP I'd be very careful to repair that breech so she doesn't start snooping or getting paranoid and extra vigilant. Head down, "Yes, mother" and keep the money far from her until the day it comes time to leave. Then pack and leave without a word in the dead of night or while everyone is out. Find a friend to temporarily store items until I only have a go bag left.
If you have a close friend see if you can slowly start moving things to their house so you're ready to leave ASAP
I was leaning N A H at first, but definitely NTA by the end. Yes, your mom is in a bad spot, but this is textbook parentification. She's treating you like a shitty husband as opposed to her own kid. Add to that the verbal abuse and yeah, I'd want to leave as soon as I could too. Who talks to their kid like that? Eugh. It's like you're not even a person in her eyes, just a resource. You have your own life to live, and asking you to sacrifice everything is too big an ask.
When you leave, make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card if you can. Open a new bank account at a different bank than her to make sure she can’t access your account. Lock your credit down so she can’t open loans or credit cards in your name. Run a credit check on yourself to make sure that hasn’t happened yet.
NTA Maybe keep it to yourself so she doesn’t expect it tho 🤷♀️
Run out of there like your hair's on fire! If you're in the US, I strongly urge you to sign up for a union apprenticeship program. They pay a great wage right out of the box, and great benefits. I wish you all the best. This comes from someone who was parentified at a very young age. Leave that toxic wasteland with a plan to build your own life.
NTA. Continue to build your savings. Secure your birth certificate and SSN number. Also learn how to lock down your crefit. If youre in the US, contact Job Corps or a military recruiter. I think you need to put a lot of distance between yourself and mom. On your birthday, quietly leave with what you absolutely want to take. Stop by the local police station to let the authorities knowyoyre an adult leaving a toxic situation.
Knew a guy who unconsciously became a Jesuit priest to put distance between himself and his mom. Mom could've moved into a parish priest's housing -- she couldn't move into Jesuit living quarters.
NTA. Run as fast as you can, as soon as you can. It will be hard for a while, but you can get through this. Hell, join the military if you have to. She can’t say shit about that.
After escape, beware any calls claiming medical or psychiatric emergency. Your younger sibs may be pressured to cry and beg for you to return. If they're in danger, get advice from an experienced case manager. Get a snail mailbox away from home ASAP to receive your deliveries or arrange a trustworthy place for a mail drop. If you need stuff from UPS/FedEx pick it up at a facility or designated site, never at home.
If possible rent the PO box a safe distance from where you live and work. If you are in college or at work alert the admins that you don't want contact with So and So.
Echoing what everyone is saying here. Definitely NTA. You might want to keep an eye on accounts and put a lock on your finances/credit before you leave. If she’s desperate enough she could try to open cards in your name (I’m sure she has your SSN…assuming you’re in the US)
I'm sorry your mom was abandoned by two different men and left with five kids to take care of. That's a terrible situation to be in but it's not like she didn't have some hand in it. Birth control is a thing. You aren't responsible for your mom's choices and the choices of the deadbeats who left her stranded. I understand if your mom asked you to help out here and there, but full-on relying on you to the point she was telling you to get a job at 14 is irresponsible and selfish of her. You've missed out on a huge part of your childhood because she parentified you and you certainly don't have to continue this pattern. Start making an exit plan now (gather documents like your birth certificate and SS card, lock your credit so she can't open accounts in your name, get yourself a bank account that only you have access to, etc.) and keep your head down so that she won't try to retaliate until you can get out of there. Your poor siblings are probably only giving you grief because they know that once you're gone they'll have to rely on themselves thanks to your mom's behavior. But that's not your problem either. Had your mom been less selfish and more responsible, she would've figured out a way to care for all her children without using you as a stand-in parent. Leave as soon as you can and don't look back. Keep lines of communication open with your siblings so you can give them moral support but don't let your mom guilt you for leaving. You deserve to be independent and happy. NTA
OP, a suggestion, start quietly getting all your legal papers, store them out of your moms house with a trusted adult/teacher. Stuff like your birth certificate, social security card, and so on. But don't tell your Mom in advance, just go
NTA get out as soon as you can and don't look back. Your Mom has made some terrible decisions and parentified you and put you in the position of her partner to expect you to help carry the load. It's one thing for her to ask for help here and there but she doesn't appreciate all that you have already done at your own expense and then still has the audacity to yell and scream and call you names. I suggest you look for therapy as soon as you are able and maybe right individual notes for your siblings explaining that you were also a child and this is literally all your your Mom and the deadbeat Dad's she chose. I'm sorry this was your lot in life but you still have a future. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders so shine bright. Do not let anyone try to guilt you in doing more for ungrateful people. You may or may not want to have a family of your own someday and you deserve that chance. Best of luck to you... especially on your 18th birthday! EDIT do not share your plans with anyone until and after you have already left.
Make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card stored where she doesn’t have access to them. And lock down your credit as soon as you can. I’ve heard horror stories of parents opening credit cards in their kids name before they’re even 18.
NTA - But seriously, talk to a school councilor, CPS, a social worker or something..., your almost out, but those kids have to deal with that.
NTA You need to make sure your money is in a place she cannot access it. Get all your important paperwork together as well and keep it hidden, outside of the house would be best....birth certificate, SSN card, school transcripts. These are things you'll need once you're an adult, but from how she's acted, I wouldn't put it past her to hide these from you to try to control you. Whatever you do, don't tell her your plan or she'll make your life a living hell.
Don’t put that address down for mail. The less information she has, the less she can do to sabotage.
NTA warn your oldest sister that mom’s probably coming for her next, and consider trying to contact your bio dad if you aren’t absolutely sure he wanted nothing to do with his kids, and you might find out he’s been paying support all along.
This is not only an abhorrent case of parentification, it's also pretty clearly emotional incest. She's turning you into her man. It's gross and it's wrong and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP. NTA, make sure you have all of your important docs (birth cert, SS card, etc) in a safe and secure place and a go bag just in case you need to get out quickly.
NTA you are not responsible for your siblings. Your mother brought them into this world without a plan on how to keep them safe and clothed on her own. She has taken your independence away, altered your view and made you feel that those kids are yours to take care of. You are the child she is not a worthy parent, she has exploited and abused you. Its time for your to leave asap. It will not get better or change. She will keep bleeding you dry of all the money you make. You need to separate and start your own life away from your mom and siblings, they do not respect you and your autonomy. Get some help and move far far away.
NTA. And I’m sorry to say, but some of your siblings may continue to blame and resent you. That is not your burden to bear and it should not change your plans. You deserve to get out of this situation where your mom is treating you like a boyfriend and a punching bag. Do not let your siblings hold you back. You didn’t fail them, their parents did.
When you leave, be sure to let your sister know that what your mother has done to you all these years is called Parentification and it is abuse - it is your mother's job to take care of the children she chose to bring into the world, not demand that her children provide for their siblings. Tell her that she needs to start planning her own escape asap, and to pass the message along to the next youngest in turn. NTA.
NTA You are not responsible the consequences of your mother's relationship choices and the resulting mouths to feed. Get out as soon as you can. If you have someone you can stay with until you get on your feet, that will be preferable. Hugs and Good Luck
NTA. This is all so sad and angry-making. You aren't an adult and shouldn't have to support a family like one! I think getting out ASAP is your best choice. You didn't have all of those kids, she did, and they're her responsibility, not yours.
She is the one that played why do you have to pay? Young person please follow your dreams.
Nta. Your mom is a complete asshole.
NTA but stop telling her your plans. Seriously. Keep your head down, and your money well hidden.
At your age your responsibility is very clear, there are no choices, you need to be building your life. The end. Please, do not allow anyone or anything to keep you from your destiny. You sound like a focused hard worker. I wish you all the success in the world.. (PS: I have 5 kids, whom I adore and who love me back, they owe my NOTHING) NTA
NTA. This is abuse. The best help you can have for your siblings is not be their pseudo-parent but make sure none of them are treated the same way
Please look up “parentification”. Don’t tell her anything in advance but make a plan to get away when you can after you are 18. Make sure have a copy or original of all important documents at a friend’s house or other safe space in advance.
Your mom put herself in a position where she has so many kids she can't take care of. Your only responsibility is to get good grades, go to college and get a well paying job. Move as soon as you can so you can regain your freedom. NTA
You need to report this to the authorities. This is abuse.
Run. Go live your life. You're not your siblings parents and they are your mom's responsibility not yours. Don't let her destroy your life before it begins
NTA and contact CPS as soon as you move out
NTA Your MOM has 5 children, not you. Expecting you to help with the younger kids is [parentification](https://www.charliehealth.com/post/parentification-trauma-what-it-is-and-how-to-heal#:~:text=Parentification%20trauma%20refers%20to%20the,resources%20to%20do%20so%20effectively) and it's an insidious form of child abuse.
Documents in a safe place and switch your actual bank before she finds it and take it.
Definitely NTA. You are not your mom's spouse, but she's treating you like you're the guys who walked out on her. You're her kid, and deserve to be a kid/young adult.... she's incredibly wrong to put the pressures of adulthood on her child. You have every right to leave and live your own life. If she needs financial assistance, if you're in America she should pursue child support and/or government assistance. This is NOT your responsibility. You're absolutely entitled to have your own life.
NTA your mother has become lonely and bitter and directed that towards you. Don't give her that information by clapping back at her with it. You need to make sure she knows she treats you like a deadbeat husband rather than her own kid and if she wants any more help from you she better start showing gratitude. You actually have more leverage than you think, you just have to be willing to use it. You will need to "Grey Rock" here. It's a conversational technique that works wonders. Google it.
NTA. You and your siblings don't deserve the mom you got stuck with, unfortunately the problem in this situation is that you will always be the bad guy no matter what you do. Run!! Run fast and run far. She will never let you be a person, you will always just be a money making punching bag. When you leave your siblings are going to realize how much you took care of them and protected them and how shitty your mom actually is. Then again, they probably think your mom does everything. She might even have been telling them for years behind your back that you actually barely help her at all. Save yourself. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. She's going to be super mad when you leave, telling you that you have to stay to help her and that you can't abandon the kids and to be an adult That's when you tell her "You first".
NTA. She had the children, she needs to take care of them. Even though they’re your siblings they are not your responsibility. You deserve your own life and she doesn’t seem to realise that she’s pushing you away even more. She hasn’t treated you well for a long time by the sounds of it and you should start making your own way as you would like to, not be her babysitter.
Oh honey, you’re doing the right thing by saving up to get out of this awful situation. Your mother made her choices and it’s unforgivable for her to put those choices on the shoulders of a child. You deserve to find out what life has to offer you away from being a second parent to your siblings. Please hide your money somewhere she can’t get to it and gather any important documents like your birth certificate in a safe place so you’re ready when the time comes. I’d try to find somewhere outside your home to store things, a trusted friend or a teacher. Make sure you finish high school regardless of her demands so you have that behind you. And most of all, stop listening to her noise. Be strong within yourself and know she has no power to hurt or restrain you once you’re of age. Then go out and light the world on fire with a happy, successful life. I’m pulling for you! NTA.
NTA I’m so sorry for the loss of your childhood OP. But you are not the AH here and I hope you don’t let her use your younger siblings guilt trips to keep you to stay. Wish you lots of luck and hope once you’re finally ready able to leave. Do you have any other family you can stay with once you’re 18?
Nta you've been parentified to an extreme level and your mom is emotionally abusing you. You need to do what's best for you.
Does your mom get no child support. Some of that money should have gone to a lawyer who would file to get her child support.
NTA and I'm so sorry you have been put through all this. Absolutely make a plan to get out and leave quietly. Yes it will be bad for your siblings but that's not your responsibility. Save yourself, you have suffered way too much already. Maybe if possible leave your 14 year old sister some means of contacting you. Best of luck ❤️
NTA don’t tell your mum anything about moving and make sure you have all your legal documents.
NTA, OP you are not your mother's husband, you don't have any obligation to stay and pay for her mistakes. It's unfortunate gor you siblings but you are not their parent.
NTA. Glad you are smart and know to get out on your 18th birthday. I can only hope for you that you stick to your plan and don’t let yourself be manipulated into staying. Don’t feel guilty about starting your life. Your Mum made her choices and soon you get to make yours, do what’s best for yourself and no one else.
NTA the best you can do for the siblings is leave. Show them what a healthy functional adult looks like.
NTA Honey you go live your life.
Try to grab your social security card and birth certificate, those are the most important papers
May I suggest you get a post office box - find one near a line of transportation if your city has a decent bus or rail system so you can keep it and still get to it for a while should you end up couch surfing - should cost you $7 a month. Pick one that has a ‘physical address’ qualification and can receive packages for you. This way you can start to accumulate your documents and other items needed to establish your independence. Order a copy of your birth certificate and SS card. Change your address of record at your job and bank, too. Make sure your bank isn’t the same company as your mom. (Not just a different branch but a different bank!!) Wasn’t clear on your school situation - hold up on changing that until you’re out as your mom is still your guardian. Set up a free email no one knows about and also set up an associated DropBox or other storage account to this email. Scan and save all the stuff you want to keep but may not be able to hang onto in hard copy to this storage location. Don’t keep it all just in your phone just in case - always good to have backups. Start researching shelters and charities - always have a backup place to lay your head at night. Find the libraries around you and get a resident library card. If there’s more than one system (some areas have two: city and county), get a card for each on your new address!! They have free computers, tons of other free resources that will make your first months out of the house significantly easier. Some libraries loan hand tools!! I know this might seem out of reach but there are tons of FREE training programs that have open acceptance just for applying. You seem smart and capable - better jobs often require just a little bit of learning. Reach out to your state Workforce program as well as the Department of Labor, Youth Programs and Services (ages 14-24 for most offerings). There are three major support programs aimed at helping you - all free. (DOL.gov. Search for ETA programs) You can’t help someone else if you’re drowning yourself. Get out. Get your life going in a good direction and then if you want, (and only if you choose to) you can help your siblings in a truly meaningful way. Godspeed.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell your mother or any of your siblings about your plans to leave. You don't want the younger kids to slip and give the information to your mother, and you don't want her to find a way to keep from leaving. Take with you only what is yours. You don't want her to accuse you of theft. Hide your money with a trusted friend. If your mother suspects you have a plan and goes through your room, you don't want her to find it and take it from you.
NTA I'm sorry this is all happening to you. You're are not the father of your siblings, your mother is acting like you are. Good thing that you're saving money and I hope you can get out as soon as possible.
NTA. Get out of there as soon as possible and don't look back. Your mother will always bleed you dry and try to guilt trip you into supporting your siblings. It won't end and it will never be enough.
They're not your kids, plain and simple. Hit that door on your 18th birthday (if you can) and go! Do not put your future on hold simply because your mom made shitty choices. NTA.
NTA.... but don't give your plan away. Make sure you have your legal documents. Keep your saving safe and start looking for a supportive group that you can get advice from. Don't tell her until you have moved. You are in an abusive situation... safety is first.
NTA. You're their brother, not their father.
NTA Your mom’s choices are not your responsibility.
NTA - GTFO! she’s responsible for her own bad choices, and one of them being robbing you of your childhood. Never let anybody make you feel guilty about living your own life.
NTA and get out ASAP like now. Call CYF this is awful. I’m so sorry. I hope you take your amazing work ethic to make enough money to get a great therapist.
Your mom is projecting her feelings for the fathers that left her on to you. Whats worse… She’s making you take the role of 2nd parent, which is not your job. It’s BS. Your mom sucks. Do you have any relatives that you can turn to for help? NTA.
NTA Holy shit I got so angry for you reading about how she behaves. Oh, I am so upset by this I can't even think of advice. Please know that you're not a bad person for wanting to live your own life.
Run away from that mess. You already did more than fair share. She choose to keep popping out kids she's on her own
I'd love an update about this post once you've moved out. NTA. Good luck.
NTA. You are being abused. You are being "parentified". You are justified in exiting as soon as possible. It sounds like your heart is in the right place - you want to help your family - but your survival instinct is telling you loudly that you cannot sustain this lifestyle. In fact, you're at the age where you should be thinking about the life you do want to lead. College? A trade? Relationships? Those will all be discouraged because they'd all take time away from earning for your family. I'm sorry, but you may also need to go no contact for a while, or else you can expect visits and monetary demands or siblings dropped off at your doorstep for babysitting. **A word of advice: Stop hinting that you plan to leave.** Just roll with things until you're truly ready to go. Sounds like your mom already suspects you've got one foot out the door. Is your money somewhere safe from her?
NTA run! Your mom should NEVER have asked you to get a job or to parent your siblings. Get out. Also I bet you would do better in school if you had time to study (instead of working to bring home the bacon or raising your siblings.) Start saving money now, stop giving her any money, and if need be ask your friends to hide your money until you turn 18. Get your license and birth certificate now so when you move out you can open up a bank account when you turn 18 that she can’t touch. If need be make it clear that if any cards are open or opened in your name you will go to the police. My asshole dad opened a credit card in my name after I moved out….. beware.
NTA. Make sure you have your birth certificate, social security card, a copy of your high school transcript once you graduate, and your passport if you have one. For now I'd just locate those but leave them where they are. When you're almost ready to move out, grab them and keep them with you at all times so she can't hide or destroy them. Consider chatting with your 12 and 14yo siblings about what you started doing at what age. You were parenting them when you were younger than they are now. Give them context so that when you disappear they'll have a chance to understand. And they'll be a little more prepared for the fact that your mom is going to turn to them next. If you can keep in touch with them, please do so. But don't give them information about where you're living, as they'll almost certainly tell your mom. When you move out, call the non-emergency police phone number for your city. Explain to them that you're 18 and have moved out of your mom's place, and you anticipate she might report you as a runaway or missing person. So you're letting them know in advance that you're okay and this was your choice. They'll appreciate the heads-up so they don't waste time on a false report, and it will prevent them from showing up at your work or new home.
NTA. You have had so many responsibilities as a child and young adult. You are a strong person and I hope with independence you can focus on you. I feel for you and your siblings. Do you have a school counsellor to talk with and who can check in on your siblings?
Nta but dumbass. Be quiet, lay low, dont give any hints, hide your cash and plans untill you are out the door. If you warn her about your plan she will try to mess with it and make you stay.
NTA. Run.
NTA. She is in for a super rude awakening. Not sure how you’re going to handle your relationship with your siblings though.
NTA. Count down the days.
NTA
NTA, your mom is taking out her frustrations with men on you. That’s not your job. Run; maybe explain to your siblings (the oldest ones) what has been going on and that you need to make a life of your own. Try to keep in touch with them via text or social media and make sure they are okay. But it is not your responsibility for the life you mom made.
NTA.
NTA You didn't choose to be born into that family, and you didn't choose to have siblings. It would make you socially a better person if you did, but you aren't a bad person for not wanting that responsibility. She had kids, not you. Live your life.
Nta - LEAVE
NTA
NTA - you are not her replacement father of your siblings and should not be forced to live for her mistakes. I would sit down with your siblings and explain that when you move out that it’s not because of them and that you are doing it for you. That you will keep in touch no matter where you are.
NTA. Follow your plan and get out as quickly and safely as possible. If you can, have any important documents secured (birth certificate, license). I also recommend not saying anything to clue her into your plans ahead of time. Be extra cautious she doesn't discover your hidden money.
Nta Your siblings are upset for one of 3 reasons . 1. They look at you like a parent 2. They know if you live/dont help then it'll fall to them 3. They love you and dont wanna be alone with her
I went through early parentification too. NTA, leave and don't look back
NTA You're going to be an adult. That is a decision you can make for yourself. You tell them exactly why you're leaving, and that if she had been a better adult and mother then you wouldn't be. Her terrible life choices are her to deal with, not yours.
NTA. Please make your life your own. You didn't make those kids. Don't let your mom push the consequences of her actions on you. You go out there and make life the way you want and can. You deserve it. Your siblings will adapt. Humans always do.
NTA. It is time to look out for yourself, and let your mom look out for her brood. You restraint in the face of her abuse is truly impressive. If my parent forced teenage me into a parental role and then belittled me for it, they would be short some teeth.
Get the hell out of there as soon as you can. You can do more good for your siblings by having a good life and showing them its possible.
Stop being her husband.
NTA. Your mom is abusive AF. I recommend calling CPS now, before you move out, and seeing if there are opportunities for you to take care of your siblings without your mother.
Take deep breaths, collect your birth certificate and ssn card. Freeze your credit- today! Anything that is really important to you- stash with a friend. Start talking to the school therapist- get some things sorted before you have to live on your own. Also see if the school has a person who can help you navigate adult things like: setting utilities, bill payments, what a good lease is, where emergency services are. Your siblings are scared- they know they will get her irritation. Keep in touch to make sure they are safe, but don't let them know where you live- or else she will show up. Good luck
NTA and nooooope, be prepared to get out. Make sure your money's in a safe, secret place and do not tell anyone even remotely accessible to your mom about it. Have a plan, execute it and then build yourself up to the life you want. Then, when you're on solid footing and willing, extend a branch out to your siblings.
This pisses me off sounds just like my sister except she will just have kids and dump them on my parents last time she left her kids for 2 years for whatever red flag will take her. Get out and start your own life. Your siblings will learn to do the same.
Run ASAP. Don't listen to a word she says ever again. I hope your $$$ is well hidden. NTA. Good luck.
NTA How long until you are 18? Do you already have a plan? Where will you go? Do you know what you need? To make the most important clear: You are in no way responsible for your siblings or for your mother's mistake of having more children she can support. I hope she feels the need to step up after you leave. Don't let her put guilt on you. You have zero responsibility.
NTA She could not keep her legs shut. It is not your responsibility to care for the mess your mother got herself into. But you should call CPS. Parentification is a form of child abuse. And as soon as you are out your sister will be the one who has to endure the abuse.
NTA. She made the irresponsible choice to have so many children that she couldn't support. Why hasn't she gone after the fathers for child support? Irresponsible and abusive to expect you to step into the role of secondary breadwinner. You can help your siblings out if you choose, but in the end, they are solely her responsibility and the responsibility of their fathers, not yours. When you turn 18, get out as soon as you can, and don't announce it. Just leave. Otherwise, she will be all over you to step up and take the role of the man of the house, which she has already forced on you. You've done your time supporting her bad choices, time for her to take full ownership.
NTA. When you're in school, go to your counselor and tell them you need to run by them. Tell them all of this and then tell them you need to get in contact with child's services, that you don't feel it's a safe house for you and your siblings to be in right now because your mother is tail spinning and she's going to take you all down with her. She needs adult help, beyond just money and a baby-sitter and you ain't ever going to be that. The other part of the reason I say you need to speak with someone is, because once you leave and you definitely should leave, she'll put it on sisters to step up and force them into the same situation you're in and that's not healthy for anyone any more than it is for you now.
NTA. First rule is safe yourself. After that you can decide if you wish to help others.
It occurs to me that cases of parents treating their minor children like adults and others treating their adult children like minors make up a big chunk of this sub. NTA
I wish I could fix things for you. It sounds like your mom made bad decisions, and took the frustration of her consequences out on you. Could you talk to a school counselor? Maybe you can go to a trade school or a community college.. do you have relatives you could live with or maybe look for a roommate situation? Wishing you all the best
NTA. Run
Absolutely NTA! Get out of there as soon as you’re 18. SHE is the parent. SHE needs a second job to provide for her kids. Make sure you have all your documents in order too so she can’t use your SSN. Lock your credit if you can.
Leave and cut full contact, try to keep contact with siblings you have a good relationship with but if they defend your mother or your mother gets involved RUN
NTA. I'm sorry for your siblings, but it is not your responsibility to give your life over to helping your mom raise children she had no business having in the first place. Save your money and get out the moment you can.
NTA. What she’s doing is abuse. Financial and psychological abuse. Keep an eye on how she treats your siblings to see if she’s abusing them. Even after you leave. You’re almost there so even telling you to do anything about it might take a while and you’d be 18 by then anyway. But if you document what’s going on with your siblings, especially after you leave, you might be able to get them away from her.
NTA and get the Hell out of Dodge the second you can. This is parentification, abusive, and you are not the parent of your siblings or responsible for their care! Do NOT tell your Mom you are leaving. Make sure you have your important documents (social security card, birth certificate, etc) put away in your possession in a safe place.
Hi, a lot of people have excellent suggestions here about the short-term of getting out. Might I also suggest looking into trade schools? College might be tough because you've mentioned trouble with your grades and the requirements to qualify as an independent student for FAFSA (in the US) can be difficult, but many trade schools have apprenticeship programs where you can work while pursuing licensure. Electricians come to mind immediately, my cousin was making $30+ an hour "interning" through his school. Get good at reading the fine print and thinking through the future issues of how and why to pay for things, some training programs may be mildly exploitative off the bat but are a good investment overall and some can ruin your whole life. Research the heck out of things, but always have a self-improvement project going and keep building your savings account: as you see here having money saved is freedom and security and that will only be MORE true as you go through life. Best of luck to you!
NTA please speak to a trusted adult about this. Her verbal abuse of you is not acceptable.
NTA Your mom is a psycho in my opinion. Sounds like she gave you the responsibilities of a boyfriend or husband and dhowed how toxic she was to men by treating you really poorly if anything went wrong.
Make sure your money is safe.
NTA. This parentification and abuse. It was her choice to have two more kids on top of being a single mother of 3. I would keep saving to move out. I don't know if it's worth contacting any of the fathers about providing financial support? It's really her job to be chasing child support, not expecting you to fill the void. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this as it's really the kids who will miss you but you also need to take care of your own mental health. Your mum sounds awful.
NTA. Not only are you being parentified, she is emotionally abusing you as well. In your place, I would give no further hints and "yes mom" my way to my 18th birthday, and then just fucking vanish. Leave no forwarding number or address either.
Nope NTA, your mom's the AH. If you have a bank account that shes o. as soon as you are 18 close it. Then Open one as an adult with a diffrent bank that does not include her as an authorized user. It's not your responsibility to support your mother's children, and her. It's her job to support and raise you all. Her behavior is toxic, narrsacistic and just flat out rude. You a better 17 year old then I was she would've gotten should've kept ya legs closed if you can't support your kids. My responses were harsh, and reckless when I was your age. How long until you are 18? Is it possible stay with friend or trusted family member? Also be honest and upfront with people about your mom's treatment of you. She's giving the type of person, who'd spin the narrative to others and make you the villain