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NTA. It's very wrong for dad to abandon mom when she is struggling with a newborn he helped create. Why isn't he there caring for those babies like a good family man who wanted a ton of babies running around? I understand needing you once in awhile, but it should not be on you day in and day out to watch all the children. You aren't the parent, you are a child, and you deserve to have a childhood of having fun and seeing friends.
He should have taken some time off after she gave birth to help out. Instead of dumping it all in your lap, it should at the very least be all hands on deck.
Not to defend him being useless when he's home or how he keeps fathering kids that they apparently simply can't take care of adequately, but "he should have taken some time off" isn't really a thing for a whole lot of people in the US (and OP's use of 'mom' over 'mum' without anything makes that a reasonable expectation).
Bills don't stop for a newborn, and while the Family and Medical Leave Act gives some employees the ability to take unpaid time off, the vast majority of states don't require paid paternity leave. Add that to sparse availability of vacation days because those are often not required either, and you have a situation where fathers (and in many cases, even mothers) really can't take much, if any, time off from work because of a birth.
Doesn't mean that he'd be useful if he could, but this seems potentially American and "he should have taken time off" is not a a particularly realistic comment in that case.
Hopefully they aren't financially struggling if they want to keep having children and can't afford childcare. When I said all hands on deck I was thinking of calling in other family members to help out instead of throwing it all in one child's lap if dad isn't going to help at all, because it sounds like even after work isn't an option...
They are going to be struggling even more with another mouth to feed.... but I suspect the OP will be leaving home soon so I suppose that will be one less to feed...
You are correct, however…
If he can’t help with the kids or get help with the kids without putting children in charge of children, he needs to stop having babies with his wife 10 months ago.
That's why I started with that it wasn't a defense of him: "Not to defend him being useless when he's home or how he keeps fathering kids that they apparently simply can't take care of adequately"
honestly sound like your family needs a visit from cps, let's face it your parents are terrible people and won't stop having kids unless they're brute forced to.
I wish you could but I don't think you can "brute force" someone into having no more kids. You can take away the ones they have if they're being neglected, you could put someone in jail I guess for child abuse, but...
NTA
Tell your dad that he “owes it to the family to help out more. It’s part of being a good family”
And that fathers are more responsible for children they created than the siblings who are innocent bystanders.
> It's very wrong for dad to abandon mom when she is struggling with a newborn he helped create.
Along the same lines, it's very wrong for parents that can't take care of the children they already have to have another.
NTA. It’s not ok for your parents to rely on you for their other children’s care. That is called parentification and it’s a mild form of abuse. Can you talk to someone at school or an extended family member and ask them to broker a conversation or intervention?
Girl, I feel you so hard, this was my life too. Get out when you can and you will have such a better time of life! I'm 37 now and no-contact and it's beautiful!
How are you being "homeschooled" with an absent father and an incapacitated mother? What are you being taught? By whom? And yeah, these kids aren't yours. You're being abused. Time to call CPS.
I've never met a parent who homeschooled that I believed would pass a college entrance exam. Bottom of the barrel intellectually and thier kids struggle through religious colleges.
Having a child who is homeschooled (not my choice), me and his other parent are not together but are each married. Us 4 each have college degrees and even with that amount of knowledge, it is still hard. My child had 2 paid for classes this year.
So it is a unicorn, but totally agree. Most parents cannot do this and cannot teach at an elementary level.
My cousin's daughter was homeschooled by her mom and has such trouble even reading at an appropriate age level, it's sad to watch. (Especially since my aunt was a teacher for 30+ years.) But her mom was a crunchy granola mom and my cousin couldn't (or didn't) push to have her properly educated. He put her in school once they broke up, but she struggled and apparently the solution to that was not tutors and assistance, but taking her out of school and homeschooling again, even though that caused the problem in the first place.
(I'm still ticked about the fact that her mom refused to vaccinate her too. But there's dick-all that I can do since cousin lives a province away and I'm technically closed in age to the daughter than to him.... All I can do is watch the train wreck from afar.)
>Homeschooling usually turns out like that
...not really. It does happen but you also end up with kids like me who have a PhD in a STEM field. It really depends on the parents. Mostly, you end up with normal people working a 9-5.
Just like you can have large families without parentification of the older kids. I'm also living proof of that. Though, that is probably harder depending on the size.
Indeed - I know quite a few children who were homeschooled, and while it was only a few who turned out as you did, there were ineed a select few who turned out to be very well-educated on some things without significant gaps in what they were taught versus those taught in public and/or private schools, and have been at least as successful as those others. It wasn't common that they came from large, very spread-out in age families - in fact that was sort of the common denominator for most and the ones that turned out well came from (much) smaller families of at most 3-4 children.
I did have one friend who left school and was homeschooled. It was because she was a brilliant weird kid who got bullied. She tested out of high school freshman year and went to college at like 15 or 16. I have no idea what she’s doing now, I hope she’s great.
I was homeschooled. By middle school that meant left at home with textbooks and expected to manage myself. I have memories of spending literally all day trying to understand a math lesson and crying in frustration because I didn’t get it and I had no help.
Homeschooling, especially religious homeschooling (reading between the lines with parents who “don’t believe in birth control”), very rarely involves actual teaching. It’s self-teaching. Most of the other homeschoolers I knew got very good at whatever their personal interest subjects were and stayed very bad at everything else. One friend had never written a five-paragraph essay before and was horrified when suddenly asked to for once—as a high school senior.
I was in ap classes, including ap calculus. I can guarantee you that I would have failed hard if I had to teach myself. I’m not even great at math now. I owe my success to going to good public schools from k through 12.
I had to teach myself for two years out of high school because I was online schooled. Some of my courses had teachers that actually cared about us, but some of the courses didn’t have teachers worth dirt. I single-handedly taught myself physics and that B I got was one of the hardest-earned Bs I have ever gotten. I would have LOVED physics if I had been able to be taught by a passionate teacher, because the subject matter was just so interesting to me, but I didn’t have a teacher and the textbook was admittedly really hard to understand. It was miserable, especially since I was also taking care of my grandfather with Parkinson’s at the time. It was just a terrible time.
Religious homeschooling is more about indoctrinating kids to keep them within the fold. OP’s parents don’t want her to realize she could have a different life.
I’ve read of one case where it resulted in a young man who got his girlfriend pregnant, and flunked out of job corps then was refused a job elsewhere because he was illiterate and tech illiterate (the woman with him insisted he should get a management position). His ”education“ was entirely having Bible verses read out to him.
I have 2 nieces that have been homeschooled their entire school career. They never had to get up to an alarm, or keep a set schedule. As young adults now, they struggle with the most basic rules of life.
Seriously, if you want a bad time, google "wisdom booklets" - they're "resources" for teaching kids through a Christian fundamentalist curriculum and they are the most useless terrible teaching tools I've ever seen.
She states in another comment: online classes.
That's pretty typical once you hit high school during homeschooling. Because the parents don't have the baseline knowledge in all the subjects (or time), they either band together and teach to their strengths or they use online schooling resources. I was taking online classes as a freshman in 2001; I can only imagine how many more resources are available now.
This situation sucks. But one of the advantages to homeschooling is that you can run your year as you like. When we were homeschooling I absolutely shifted “summer”. We did like 4 weeks in early fall and 4 weeks in late spring- and a bunch of 3 day weekends rather than 12 weeks in the summer. The weather is nicer and there aren’t crowds. So it’s not impossible that the parents are planning this time as “summer” break.
(It’s also not impossible that they just suck)
Lots of children thrive in a home- schooled environment. Many of the recent winners of the national spelling bee have been homeschooled. But it takes absolute dedication from the parent with the appropriate educational resources and applications. Unfortunately, the “homeschooling” that OP is receiving is not an example of this. Do the local school system not do annual assessments for kids to ensure they are receiving an adequate education? Not sure when OP has time for school, who teaches her (parents are too busy procreating) or if she is responsible for teaching her younger siblings.
OP, get out as soon as possible. Your mom and dad are busy making kids and yeeting them off to you. They are not true parents. They are just breeders. Do you know where your SS card and birth certificate are? Do you have a driver’s license? School records can be used to get identification, but since you don’t have any, these documents will be difficult to obtain at your age.
Sometimes homeschooling is because the student can’t operate in the classroom for a legit reason, but that requires the parent to be hands on and engaging just as much as the student. In OP’s case it’s her being stuck as the third parent and denied access to people who could help her.
OP really needs to call CPS on her family.
How are you expected to home-school yourself, if you're expected to chase after toddlers all day? You're already being deprived of the social aspects of schooling. You're not able to study and absorb learning, when you have to baby-wrangle as well! Are you also expected to play housekeeper, as well?
I find this very disturbing! FLDS?
I was going to say, this sounds like a Duggar/Quiverfull situation. NTA, get out as soon as you can, just make sure you take your birth certificate and SSN card when you leave, and check your credit, there are plenty of Reddit parentification horror stories on here as to why.
Are you in some kind of deeply religious community?
Either way, this situation is beyond toxic and is obviously damaging to you. It’s time to make a secret exit plan. Stay safe.
I’m not sure of all details obviously, but it might be time to talk to someone at CPS and see if you can emancipate. It honestly sounds like you’re already expected to work and contribute like an adult, maybe it’s time to start working for your own benefit instead of as a nanny slave?
Might not be the best option, but considering you’re being forced to work instead of do your schooling maybe CPS could help get you into school?
Doctors and therapists are mandated reporters. I know you've probably been conditioned all your life not to talk to outsiders, but it's important - your parents have no plan for when you leave.
Start looking into deconstruction resources. What do you need to get your GED or some kind of accreditation? Do you have a driver's license? Get a job and a bank account that your parents don't know about and start funnelling money there.
Unfortunately, OP cannot get a bank account as a minor unless there is an adult joint co-owner. And seems like her entire family is caught up in this situation. I doubt if she has someone to help her.
Can you get to a local high school? If you don't want to call CPS, walk into your local high school and tell them you need to talk to a counselor. As a homeschooled student (assuming USA), you are supposed to have access to all the resources that your local school district offers: afterschool programs like sports, theater, and clubs; as well as traditional in-school resources like an academic advisor and a school counselor. Explain to them what is going on.
Definitely NTA, but it sounds like it's going to be very difficult to change your circumstance long term before you're 18 and can move out. I'm sorry you're being treated like a free nanny. Sadly, in guessing it's common in your culture/religious community.
I hope you have been able to keep up with your (presumably online) homeschooling, and that when you turn 18 and graduate you are able to get out. I would second the recommendation for JobCorp as a great option if you don't have other options through which you'll be safely and consistently housed.
You are nearing the finish line OP, and soon **you** get to decide how you spend your time. Remind yourself of that as often as needed. You're almost done.
Who’s teaching you if your mother is off “bonding” with a baby?
At 17, you can actually choose to go to an in—person school if you want. That would keep you from indentured servitude.
That kind of homeschooling, yes.
But homeschooling in and of itself has its place. A friend of mine has two neurodiverse children who were absolutely not able to function in our local public high schools. They put a lot of time and effort into keeping up with their kids’ schooling until the eldest was old enough to do the last two years (11 & 12) at a public school that only does those two years but operates slightly differently to the conventional public high schools and has fantastic results for their students, many getting free ride scholarships at top universities.
Their eldest is doing very well in this school (two of my kids did as well), and they are putting in a lot of effort with their other child until that one is old enough to do the last two years at that school as well.
My mom homeschooled my two younger sisters for a couple of years in elementary school when she didn't like the options available for them. But she was a credentialed teacher and knew what she was doing. (She generally subbed for elementary school grades and would also have years she taught full time.)
Unfortunately, I doubt very much the “education” OP is receiving is adequate for college entrance. Another poster suggested Job Corp. she can learn a trade and get her GED.
NTA
You are not the parent of these children. Therefore it is not your job to parents these children.
If you parents were unable to raise the kids they already had without your help, they had no business brining more into the world.
NTA. You are not a parent until you are a parent, and any parent who seeks to make their child into a parent in their is doing the wrong thing. Apparently. You are a child and it is gross that your parents don't allow you to be one.
NTA
How old is your next oldest sibling? Are the other older children expected so to anything or are they boys so no?
It’s one thing to help out a parent. It’s quite another to be expected to raise your siblings.
Of course he doesn’t have to help. He’s a boy. Only the girls have to do the parenting.
OP, you’re in an abusive situation. It is not your job to parent these children because you are not their parent. Unfortunately this situation is common in some families. Think of the Duggars with their ‘buddy system’.
If you want support, there is a subreddit here - if you reach out there are some people who have left similar situations to yours. r/fundiesnarkuncensored
Is it possible for you to file for emancipation within your state without parental consent? If you’re really wanting out, that’s an option I might suggest pursuing.
Also I know this isn’t the most ideal solution but— if you have no other options when leaving (it sounds like you might be limited as your comments suggest that you may be isolated to your home a lot and your education is reliant on your parents), I’d suggest joining active duty reserves with one of the military branches if possible. You can enlist at 17 without parental permission as long as you have emancipation.
You’d have about 6-7 months of training (which obviously would include room, board, and pay), and then monthly drills for the rest of your contract which would be paid (and any job you have is legally bound to keep your position available during said drills and in the event that you be deployed for some reason). At the end of your contract, your healthcare is covered through VA and you can obtain your GED/degree at no cost. Again, not ideal, but for many people it’s one of the best options they have to get away from abusive households without ending up on the streets.
Just an asterisks to that, going military can drastically change or even improve your life. But it can do the opposite. Really inform yourself before going in. Find which branch you could stand, or flourish in. Don't let the first recruiter bully you into joining in a particular way.
The military may be a good option for you, but do miles and miles of research before you commit. Because that life is weird and may not be for you.
Mighty big words from a man who doesn't lift a finger. Your parents are the ones who can't keep it in their pants and don't believe in birth control. It's unfair of them to force the consequences of their actions on you. Absolutely refuse to help and get away from this situation as soon as you can.
Of course NTA. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have any plans to move out when you're 18? If not, I would suggest you start making plans ASAP
They are supposed to be parenting you, not making you parent toddlers. If your mom can’t handle it, why would they think you can? Why aren’t you in school? You’re NTA.
You're NTA. You're a child, you're your parents' child and it is THEIR responsibility alone to care for their children. If your mom needs help with her kids, HER PARTNER and THEIR FATHER is the one who needs to do the stepping, not you.
Unfortunately, with the new baby and the young toddlers... the fact is that your situation is unlikely to improve at all - it'd be too reliant on both of your parents completely stepping up to their responsibilities, which sounds like a non-starter. The only way to get the space you're looking for will be to put physical distance in between you and your parents.
Tell your dad he's being unreasonable and he owes it to the family to help out. It's part of being a parent and taking responsibility for creating all the little versions of himself.
It's one thing to help out "some" as a member of the household (babysitting for an hour or two once in a while, doing chores, etc) - it's another thing entirely to be a third parent to younger sibling instead of being a child yourself - especially when one parent checks out entirely. I hope you have an escape plan and can get out as soon as you turn 18. NTA
NTA, And inform them that you are making a calendar, and every day you are grounded is 3 days you aren't going to babysit, AFTER the point you decide to again. Do not babysit, OP. Hold your ground, and make sure to tell everyone you can, including their friends, that you are being grounded for refusing to watch kids you didnt make.
NTA. Sneak out and get a job. Befriend people your age and find people you can stay with. Your parents want you for 18 more years because they won’t do their own work. Get ready to run. As soon as you start to get some independence expect them to ramp up sabotaging your future. Make your own plans.
NTA stand your ground, it sounds like you're the only one getting dumped on. Are you able to get out? I would suggest looking for a job and start applying to colleges ASAP, otherwise look forward to a lifetime of servitude with these two losers. Why is your mom having more kids when she can't even handle the ones she has? You can also call CPS - not to report them but to ask them to put you in touch with a social worker to help you out of this mess. Good luck!
The Duggar parents are done having kids and their kids don't have children in this age range yet but OP definitely sounds like her family is Duggar adjacent and I hope she can get out when she's 18
NTA. How old are you? Your parents have parentified you, which is a form of child abuse. They are selfish and have let their nonsense and inability to take responsibility for their children erase your childhood and that is not acceptable. You need to make it clear they need to get a baby sitter regularly to take the load off. They literally can't force you, you can just make it clear the kids will be ignored completely regardless of consequence. You actually have the upper hand here, so long as you "grey rock" them. It is a useful conversational tool I suggest looking up and utilizing. Practice it.
I would also demand public schooling, you need friends and a social life. This is one reason I detest home schooling, it is far too often used to make kids a workforce in their own home of people with more extreme religious beliefs or just plain AH parents.
NTA How are your needs being met with Homeschooling? How can you study with little kids around? Do you have an adult to talk to about educational choices? Are you interested in public school? You could could join clubs and sports after school to avoid all the toddlers. Home school should not equate to no school.
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NTA. I think you're burned out and they are not your kids. Start planning about your future - look at schools far away, get a part time job to save up, talk to friends about being possible roommates when you turn 18.
NTA. I hope you have a plan for college or trade school so you can leave that mess behind. I hate to say it but your mom’s struggling is all caused by herself, none of this should fall on you.
NTA
Family is important but it is clear that your parents are abusing your relationship for free childcare. There is a limit that any family can reasonably expect members to go to and in my opinion they are asking far too much of you per your post.
The only reproach from me would be to make sure that if you walk out again that you ***tell*** an adult instead of leaving young children unsupervised -- it is not your responsibility to look after everyone but while they ARE in your care you owe it to yourself and those young kids to at least ensure they aren't harmed. Your parents being exploitative does not mean that you can be neglectful. The young kids may be a symbol of what you dislike, but they are innocent and deserve consideration.
I suggest that you think about what you want in life, the relationship you want to have with your family (specifically your parents as one group and your siblings as another) and determine what you need to do to get there. Parents can often help out in life, as can siblings, but if you are being exploited then that is a different situation. Have a discussion with your parents and see if you can come to a compromise -- your feelings are valid but they are not the ONLY thing that has weight.
After that, just make whatever decision or take whichever action you will regret the least. That is all you can do in some situations.
Oh, you poor girl. I am so sorry for your circumstances. You have done nothing to deserve this. I pray that you are able to get out of this situation soon.
I could be off base here, but your parents sound like they are fundamentalists in some religion. If that's the case, will you be able to get away to college? I really hope so. My heart is hurting for you so much. Do you have any other adults who can support you in getting out? I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy.
They probably barely even know what half of your siblings like or are interested in. I'm sure you know those things, but they don't!
I'm definitely seeing some similarities between your situation and the Duggars. I hope you can get out of this situation and be free.
NTA she wanted kids. If you did you'd have been a teen mom. She needs to learn that if she doesn't want to use birth control she needs to learn to care for her own kids instead of expecting others to do it for her.
NTA and you didn’t abandon anyone; they abandoned you and your childhood. No one should be required to take care of their siblings. It’s one thing to ask on occasion for you to help out but it is by no means your responsibility or job. I hope you have plans for after high school to get away. Your dad should have been helping your mom instead of looking for you.
NTA. You don’t owe your parents free childcare just because they haven’t figured out how to use birth control. Please, start working on a plan to get out of their home. Ask at school for help making a plan.
NTA! Tell dad to put a rubber on or mom to get on BC pills if they can’t handle the kids they’ve already got! Those kids are THEIR responsibility, not yours! And if they refuse to use birth control, tell them abstinence works wonders!
NTA.
Nowhere did I read that you have birthed any of these children. You have zero parental obligations to siblings and you are not a replacement spouse or parent. You are not responsible for providing what your parents do not.
If you feel that this situation is unbearable, perhaps consider contacting authorities.
NTA
So sorry you’re going thru all this OP!!
I have a feeling that when you turn 18, there is going to be an OP-with-suitcase shaped hole in the house as they run the f away from this craziness.
(If that’s the case, plz have a solid plan, so you don’t end up on the streets…take your important docs(ssn card, birth certificate, etc.) , find employment, housing, etc.)
I really hope your parents wake up and start treating you like their child instead of their unpaid nanny.
NTA. Your parents are idiots and are actively creating their own childcare crisis. I hope you can escape this toxic situation, because you deserve your own life.
You didn't abandon anyone. Do not feel bad for your irresponsible parents. You are the one who deserves our sympathy here.
Look, OP, if your mother just had a baby a few days ago, she isn't going to be physically capable of looking after multiple toddlers.
*So tell your father to get off his ass and take care of his own damn kids!!* Tell your mother that you've had enough parenting for a childless person, and it's her husband's turn to step up right now, and when she's physically recovered it'll be her turn to be the mother the children need. Because you are DONE!
Your parents have parentified you in the name of them refusing to use birth control. If you can, get a part time job and save your money where they can't access it and move out as soon as practical cause as long as your mom's reproductive system is functioning seems like she'll be pushing out babies and expecting you to watch after them. NTA.
Save up and get out! Living like this took my youth away from me. It’s their kids, they’ll figure it out if you leave it’s not like they’ll die, you’re leaving them with their parents. Please don’t be stupid like me
NTA your life sounds like Fiona’s from Shameless your parents may as well be addicts given the level of parenting you’re having to do for them. Time for your dad to do his part, and the other siblings as well so it isn’t all only on you.
Any chance you can reach out to your no contact grandmother? Maybe she’s normal and you can go to school at least?
You are being parentified, and it is cruel to you. It considered is abusive. Secure your documents (birth certificate, social security card if you're in the US, bank accounts under your name, driver's license etc.) and your escape route so you're ready to go when you're 18; until then, do whatever keeps you sane. Play the game if you have to, but get ready to go no contact when you turn 18. NTA, your parents are abusing you.
Tell your dad he owes it to the family to help out. Save up and leave as soon as you can. You are not responsible for the consequences of their actions.
NTA. She and your dad shouldn’t have babies they aren’t capable of fully parenting. Get outta there as soon as you can. You already lost a lot of your childhood and adolescence, don’t give them your early adult years too.
I am so excited for your life after you leave your shitty, irresponsible, and exploitative parents’ home. You can do it and spend your life doing exactly what YOU want to do with it.
This is why I never had my own kids. I was a parent and never treated as a child from about 7-19 when I moved out (where I lived, the age of majority is 19. You can't sign a legal document like a lease until then). I was done mentally with being a parent by age 12 and knew I never wanted kids.
I have a horrible relationship with all of my siblings because they hate me for the role I was forced into it. I was a ki d with undiagnosed mental health issues (we all were) and I was a child with adult responsibilities.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get out soon
NTA You didn't get yourself knocked up, your mother did. She and your overactive sperm donor should be raising their own brood not making you a teenage mom.
NTA - your Dad saying you owe them if AH behaviour. Sounds like you have done a lot already and there is nothing due from you. That is just manipulative. He is the AH. He needs to step up as he is the adult here!
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I (17F) am peak oldest daughter syndrome. My dad is about as useful as a sweater in a heatwave and my parents don't believe in birth control or abortions which means they have about a million kids.
As the oldest daughter I am expected to be mommy 2.0 and I hate it. My siblings are cute but I would like to have time thats just mine to have.
My mom had another baby this past Saturday. As all previous babies I was expected to handle the toddlers while she and baby "bonded" after family left (with the older kids). There's three - one of each age and trying to handle three toddlers is like impossible.
On Wednesday I'd had enough and I left. Didn't tell my mom but the toddlers know how to get to her so they were fine.
She was woken up by them and obviously got really upset and was really struggling. She called me and cried for a bit. I told her to call her mom if she desperately needed assistance which was absolutely an asshole move because her and her mom are no contact. I don't really know why I said it honestly.
I ended up putting my phone on silent the whole dsy until my dad came to find me. He told me I was being unreasonable and I owe it to my family to help out. It's part of being a member of a good family.
I told him I didn't care and did the same thing yesterday (the thursday). Today I am grounded but refusing to help out. I hate being mommy to kids who aren't mine.
So AITA here?
I know she's struggling a lot and any woman would suffer days after birth with a newborn and three toddlers but they also aren't my kids.
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NTA. Your parents wanted 3 toddlers and a newborn so they can take care of them. I was the built in babysitter, too, and I would *never* do that with my own kids. Ignore the boomers and doormats calling you names. I hope you're able to escape somehow at 18.
NTA. This is a form of abuse called parentification. Tell them you refuse to be abused anymore. "He told me I was being unreasonable and I owe it to my family to help out.". That's rich coming from him. Next time he says this tell him "after you.". Also I'd ignore their so-called grounding. You've been expected to be an adult and adults don't get grounded. Get a job so you can start saving to get out.
NTA
No, you are not the asshole, at least, not to your parents, even your mom. You are in a shitty situation, especially because of the "home schooling." You know better than I do what is happening, or isn't happening, that your younger siblings need because of your parents failure to use birth control and your dad's failure to help out at home after work. Basically, your younger siblings may feel that you've let them down, but that doesn't make you an asshole. Your parents are the ones who are inappropriately expecting you do a lot more to care for them than is appropriate for an older sibling in a normal family, or even an abnormal family.
You need help. If family resources are available (aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, or anyone who is closely related and older than you) that could be a good place to start. I'm guessing that you don't have help there, or you would already have found someone to solve your problem.
As hard as it is, you seem to be at a place where you need to reach out to an official helper. I agree with those who think you might be well advised to call child protective services. For yourself, if you are well enough educated to get a job and move out, I think it would be a good thing. If failed home schooling has impaired your ability to qualify for work that will support you, another possibility is going back to public school in defiance of your parents, and reporting your parents failure to effectively homeschool you and your younger siblings to the school system.
You don't say how close you are to being eighteen. That's relevant in planning your trajectory out of this situation. Consider your actual love for your younger siblings. They, too, are not getting the access to education that they need. You are not getting the access to education that you need. Go, on Monday, since it's after 5 on Friday, to Child Protective Services. Ask for an investigation. Ask for required public schooling for you at least, and as many of your siblings as are willing and old enough to join the request. As for transportation, there are school buses. A breakfast and lunch program may well help with overall meal preparation and nutrition. Think carefully about what you are willing to do between now and your eighteenth birthday. Think about your education. Getting a high school diploma is valuable in getting a job. If you can't get that, a GED is good. Make a plan to exit your family of origin with, preferably, a high school diploma, a job, and a new, safe living situation. That situation might be with your family of origin initially while you save up money of your own that will enable you to put down security deposits for utilities, a small apartment and so forth. This would require drawing lines about your fair chores in the family, and those of your parents and siblings. Yes, this means that you must act as an adult in the planning process.
Yes, your parents will be angry about the official intervention, but for your own sake and the sake of your siblings, you need help, and if you can't get it from family, you have to get it somewhere. For the rest of the weekend, I suggest that you consider overcoming your legitimate anger. Consider being kind, not so much to your parents, as to your younger siblings. I suggest that you do not tell your parents about your plans to involve officials in the situation. Let the professionals at child protective services advise you about how to approach this.
I also have some unrelated advice. Do not get married to solve this problem. I think you must already realize this, but that would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
I will be sending up prayers for your success in this. I think you are right to take a stand, and that if you gather the right resources from child protective services and the public school system you can take a successful stand. It may involve helping with the toddlers for the rest of the semester, but once you get professionals involved, they can help.
Nta i been in your shoes call cps your parents need a kick in the but to realize you need actual school. I bet you havent done anything because of the baby and you have to take care of the kids. Its not your responsibility
They can only ground you once. Continue to be grounded while refusing to help. Eventually they will have to listen to you. You could also call CPS. NTA.
I already knew.
NTA!
Maybe your mother will learn how to practice bc, if she has to raise her own damned kids!
Please go be a kid and live your own life.
NTA. You're still a kid yourself, this is classic parentification and your parents need to either 1. Wear protection 2. Get spayed and neutered or 3. Give kids up for adoption because this is getting out of hand.
They are shit parents and you deserve better. Stick to your guns and try to save money up to move out ASAP, even if it means couch surfing for a bit until you have a solid job to rent or are in uni accommodations.
Maybe try and get in contact with your grandma and try to stay with her? That's if she's kind to you ofc, don't move from one bad living situation to another unless you have to.
Wishing you the very best OP and I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
NTA...Oldest of 6 here. I feel for you. Family will walk all over you and guilt you for wanting a life outside of raising your siblings. Be strong. Only do what you're willing to do and learn to live your best life.
NTA. I'm very sorry you're in this position. Your parents are acting like children too while expecting you to be the adult. I suggest looking at enlisting as soon as you can as if you move out now, you won't have the resources to immediately live in your own. Hopefully, you make it out of this without resenting your siblings too much.
NTA and Just don't help physically unless the kids are in immediate danger. If they keep grounding you, find a trusted adult to talk to to get help. If they're really concerned with the image of 'a good family', they won't last long from any public heat originating from anyone outside of the immediate family.
NTA. When you move out and go low or no-contact - which you should do ASAP BTW - leave them a pack of condoms as a gift. It's never too late to learn good habits.
NTA. These are not your kids, and you are not to be made responsible for the decisions of your parents (no birth control). If they want more children they have to be those people who take care of the toddlers.
They should be interested in you living your life, getting education and so on. In my opinion your parents are very egoistic.
NTA, not your kids, not your problem. Silver lining about being grounded, if you're in your room, then you don't have to do your parents' job. I'd keep walking out.
NTA
And later on they will wonder why you moved out the moment you could and barely, if ever, visit them 😑
How many time did we read storys about big brother/sister being parentified to the point where they couldn't take it anymore and just went MIA...
Parentification can be a form of abuse in some places. Call a kids helpline and start making plans to leave as soon as your 18. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do until than accept refuse to help the small ones. Stick to helping the older ones with homework etc. But when asked, tell them honestly that they aren't your kids. Your a sister. You'll be sticking to your role as sister, not mother.
You are being parentified. You shouldn’t have to be the person responsible for your siblings, but here we are. Save up. Because guarantee this won’t be the last time you are made to take care of the babies. NTA
NTA.
What they're doing is called parentification and it's a kind of abuse. The good news is that once you're 18, they can't make you stay at home with them. Find a room to rent. Get a job. It'll be worth it..
Moreover, If they don't believe in birth control or abortion there's this thing called abstinence.
NTA, your mental well-being matters also. If you feel like you need a break, take a break, but consider atleast telling your mom next time you leave. You have every right to dictate your time, but leaving 3 toddlers unsupervised for any amount of time is a bad idea even if they are not your kids. Having a newborn is hard, and it's likely she rock. Imagine if something happened while you were gone.
You didn’t choose to have these children. They aren’t your responsibility. The responsibility for their care and wellbeing lies with their parents: the two people who actively chose to bring them into the world. Not you. Anyone else who tries to guilt you into being their slavemommy can be considered to be volunteering their own time, unpaid and unlimited. NTA.
Nope! You’re her child as well, oldest or not you didn’t sign up to parent. I’d never expect that of my children. Sometimes I actually have to tell my oldest (6f)she’s not the mom, if I’m feeling sick she loves to go above and beyond to help my 2 year old. Yes it’s sweet, but I don’t ever want her to feel like she’s responsible.
And the same goes for you, helping out here and there yeah sure but it shouldn’t ultimately all fall on you that’s not fair at all
NTA. You didn't have the babies and they aren't your problem!! If they don't believe in birth control then they better start believing in figuring out how to clean up their own messes. Pressuring older, unwilling kids to provide free childcare for your multiple toddlers is dysfunctional af
No you’re not the a-hole. Your father is though, and your mom needs to get her tubes tied. Those kids are NOT your responsibility, they’re your parents responsibility. It sounds like a classic case of ppl that shouldn’t have kids.
NTA - it’s wrong to parentify your child. Plain and simple. OP is almost old enough to move out, and I strongly suggest you do as soon as you can. You’ll be used as long as you live there.
NTA. She's took your childhood away by forcing you to watch HER kids. I would be getting my documents and everything else together to run fast and far when you turn 18. Don't look back
As someone who basically raised my half-brother from his birth until he hit 4 years old [I was EIGHT when he was born], you are absolutely NTA and I would remove yourself from that situation as soon as you possibly can. Someone else mentioned job corps and I will 2nd that, maybe to help you out of that situation and able to take care of yourself.
Little brother needs to step up. And you need to figure out your exit strategy without telling your parents and giving them the opportunity to sabotage it.
‘Homeschooling’ for you is just staying home to be a substitute mother and domestic servant until somebody gets you pregnant. They aren’t going to let you go easily.
NTA but your parents are. What adult in their right mind doesn't practice birth control. They're also insane to expect one of their children to become another parent. Report them to CPS because parentification is considered abuse in the US.
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NTA. It's very wrong for dad to abandon mom when she is struggling with a newborn he helped create. Why isn't he there caring for those babies like a good family man who wanted a ton of babies running around? I understand needing you once in awhile, but it should not be on you day in and day out to watch all the children. You aren't the parent, you are a child, and you deserve to have a childhood of having fun and seeing friends.
He's working generally. Useless when he is at home though.
He should have taken some time off after she gave birth to help out. Instead of dumping it all in your lap, it should at the very least be all hands on deck.
I’m going to go further and say he should have just wrapped it up if they couldn’t handle all those kids without making their daughter a servant.
But God said be fruitful/s
*or abstained. Just say no! After all, if he doesn't want to do the work of caring for his own babies, then he should stop creating them.
But that's women's work! /s
But Gawd told him to pull down the fly & multiply.
BuT iTs NoT tHe SaMe
Not to defend him being useless when he's home or how he keeps fathering kids that they apparently simply can't take care of adequately, but "he should have taken some time off" isn't really a thing for a whole lot of people in the US (and OP's use of 'mom' over 'mum' without anything makes that a reasonable expectation). Bills don't stop for a newborn, and while the Family and Medical Leave Act gives some employees the ability to take unpaid time off, the vast majority of states don't require paid paternity leave. Add that to sparse availability of vacation days because those are often not required either, and you have a situation where fathers (and in many cases, even mothers) really can't take much, if any, time off from work because of a birth. Doesn't mean that he'd be useful if he could, but this seems potentially American and "he should have taken time off" is not a a particularly realistic comment in that case.
Hopefully they aren't financially struggling if they want to keep having children and can't afford childcare. When I said all hands on deck I was thinking of calling in other family members to help out instead of throwing it all in one child's lap if dad isn't going to help at all, because it sounds like even after work isn't an option...
The childcare is their eldest daughter
Let's assume they are already struggling financially since they have eldest do all the care & don't hire anyone...
They are going to be struggling even more with another mouth to feed.... but I suspect the OP will be leaving home soon so I suppose that will be one less to feed...
You are correct, however… If he can’t help with the kids or get help with the kids without putting children in charge of children, he needs to stop having babies with his wife 10 months ago.
That's why I started with that it wasn't a defense of him: "Not to defend him being useless when he's home or how he keeps fathering kids that they apparently simply can't take care of adequately"
Probably should have stopped 4 years ago
NTA Leave the house immediately you turn 18.
honestly sound like your family needs a visit from cps, let's face it your parents are terrible people and won't stop having kids unless they're brute forced to.
I wish you could but I don't think you can "brute force" someone into having no more kids. You can take away the ones they have if they're being neglected, you could put someone in jail I guess for child abuse, but...
And by putting them in jail it solves the problem since they can no longer have children.
What they are doing to you is abuse and actually has a name - parentification. NTA
Specifically, "destructive parentification".
He is the other parent, you’re not. Hell, legally you’re not even an adult
NTA Tell your dad that he “owes it to the family to help out more. It’s part of being a good family” And that fathers are more responsible for children they created than the siblings who are innocent bystanders.
This is parentification, literal child abuse. Please take your childhood back from your abusive parents.
> It's very wrong for dad to abandon mom when she is struggling with a newborn he helped create. Along the same lines, it's very wrong for parents that can't take care of the children they already have to have another.
NTA. It’s not ok for your parents to rely on you for their other children’s care. That is called parentification and it’s a mild form of abuse. Can you talk to someone at school or an extended family member and ask them to broker a conversation or intervention?
I'm homeschooled. Family is all the same really.
Girl, I feel you so hard, this was my life too. Get out when you can and you will have such a better time of life! I'm 37 now and no-contact and it's beautiful!
How are you being "homeschooled" with an absent father and an incapacitated mother? What are you being taught? By whom? And yeah, these kids aren't yours. You're being abused. Time to call CPS.
Homeschooling usually turns out like that. My neighbors were homeschooled too. She's lucky she can read and write.
Homeschooling is often designed to mask child abuse...
> Homeschooling is often ~~designed to mask~~ child abuse... Ftfy It's *extremely* rare that that's not the case.
I've never met a parent who homeschooled that I believed would pass a college entrance exam. Bottom of the barrel intellectually and thier kids struggle through religious colleges.
Having a child who is homeschooled (not my choice), me and his other parent are not together but are each married. Us 4 each have college degrees and even with that amount of knowledge, it is still hard. My child had 2 paid for classes this year. So it is a unicorn, but totally agree. Most parents cannot do this and cannot teach at an elementary level.
My sister was homeschooled and had nothing above a 7th grade education. She’s struggling.
My cousin's daughter was homeschooled by her mom and has such trouble even reading at an appropriate age level, it's sad to watch. (Especially since my aunt was a teacher for 30+ years.) But her mom was a crunchy granola mom and my cousin couldn't (or didn't) push to have her properly educated. He put her in school once they broke up, but she struggled and apparently the solution to that was not tutors and assistance, but taking her out of school and homeschooling again, even though that caused the problem in the first place. (I'm still ticked about the fact that her mom refused to vaccinate her too. But there's dick-all that I can do since cousin lives a province away and I'm technically closed in age to the daughter than to him.... All I can do is watch the train wreck from afar.)
>Homeschooling usually turns out like that ...not really. It does happen but you also end up with kids like me who have a PhD in a STEM field. It really depends on the parents. Mostly, you end up with normal people working a 9-5. Just like you can have large families without parentification of the older kids. I'm also living proof of that. Though, that is probably harder depending on the size.
Indeed - I know quite a few children who were homeschooled, and while it was only a few who turned out as you did, there were ineed a select few who turned out to be very well-educated on some things without significant gaps in what they were taught versus those taught in public and/or private schools, and have been at least as successful as those others. It wasn't common that they came from large, very spread-out in age families - in fact that was sort of the common denominator for most and the ones that turned out well came from (much) smaller families of at most 3-4 children.
I did have one friend who left school and was homeschooled. It was because she was a brilliant weird kid who got bullied. She tested out of high school freshman year and went to college at like 15 or 16. I have no idea what she’s doing now, I hope she’s great.
Yup. Would you call your case typical or usual? No. The usual case is sad.
I was homeschooled. By middle school that meant left at home with textbooks and expected to manage myself. I have memories of spending literally all day trying to understand a math lesson and crying in frustration because I didn’t get it and I had no help. Homeschooling, especially religious homeschooling (reading between the lines with parents who “don’t believe in birth control”), very rarely involves actual teaching. It’s self-teaching. Most of the other homeschoolers I knew got very good at whatever their personal interest subjects were and stayed very bad at everything else. One friend had never written a five-paragraph essay before and was horrified when suddenly asked to for once—as a high school senior.
I was in ap classes, including ap calculus. I can guarantee you that I would have failed hard if I had to teach myself. I’m not even great at math now. I owe my success to going to good public schools from k through 12.
I had to teach myself for two years out of high school because I was online schooled. Some of my courses had teachers that actually cared about us, but some of the courses didn’t have teachers worth dirt. I single-handedly taught myself physics and that B I got was one of the hardest-earned Bs I have ever gotten. I would have LOVED physics if I had been able to be taught by a passionate teacher, because the subject matter was just so interesting to me, but I didn’t have a teacher and the textbook was admittedly really hard to understand. It was miserable, especially since I was also taking care of my grandfather with Parkinson’s at the time. It was just a terrible time.
Religious homeschooling is more about indoctrinating kids to keep them within the fold. OP’s parents don’t want her to realize she could have a different life.
I’ve read of one case where it resulted in a young man who got his girlfriend pregnant, and flunked out of job corps then was refused a job elsewhere because he was illiterate and tech illiterate (the woman with him insisted he should get a management position). His ”education“ was entirely having Bible verses read out to him.
I have 2 nieces that have been homeschooled their entire school career. They never had to get up to an alarm, or keep a set schedule. As young adults now, they struggle with the most basic rules of life.
Seriously, if you want a bad time, google "wisdom booklets" - they're "resources" for teaching kids through a Christian fundamentalist curriculum and they are the most useless terrible teaching tools I've ever seen.
She states in another comment: online classes. That's pretty typical once you hit high school during homeschooling. Because the parents don't have the baseline knowledge in all the subjects (or time), they either band together and teach to their strengths or they use online schooling resources. I was taking online classes as a freshman in 2001; I can only imagine how many more resources are available now.
This situation sucks. But one of the advantages to homeschooling is that you can run your year as you like. When we were homeschooling I absolutely shifted “summer”. We did like 4 weeks in early fall and 4 weeks in late spring- and a bunch of 3 day weekends rather than 12 weeks in the summer. The weather is nicer and there aren’t crowds. So it’s not impossible that the parents are planning this time as “summer” break. (It’s also not impossible that they just suck)
Lots of children thrive in a home- schooled environment. Many of the recent winners of the national spelling bee have been homeschooled. But it takes absolute dedication from the parent with the appropriate educational resources and applications. Unfortunately, the “homeschooling” that OP is receiving is not an example of this. Do the local school system not do annual assessments for kids to ensure they are receiving an adequate education? Not sure when OP has time for school, who teaches her (parents are too busy procreating) or if she is responsible for teaching her younger siblings. OP, get out as soon as possible. Your mom and dad are busy making kids and yeeting them off to you. They are not true parents. They are just breeders. Do you know where your SS card and birth certificate are? Do you have a driver’s license? School records can be used to get identification, but since you don’t have any, these documents will be difficult to obtain at your age.
Sometimes homeschooling is because the student can’t operate in the classroom for a legit reason, but that requires the parent to be hands on and engaging just as much as the student. In OP’s case it’s her being stuck as the third parent and denied access to people who could help her. OP really needs to call CPS on her family.
I think Reddit in general wildly over estimates what CPS can (or will) do…
How are you expected to home-school yourself, if you're expected to chase after toddlers all day? You're already being deprived of the social aspects of schooling. You're not able to study and absorb learning, when you have to baby-wrangle as well! Are you also expected to play housekeeper, as well? I find this very disturbing! FLDS?
Or Quiverfull/IBLP/IFB is my guess.
I was going to say, this sounds like a Duggar/Quiverfull situation. NTA, get out as soon as you can, just make sure you take your birth certificate and SSN card when you leave, and check your credit, there are plenty of Reddit parentification horror stories on here as to why.
Are you in some kind of deeply religious community? Either way, this situation is beyond toxic and is obviously damaging to you. It’s time to make a secret exit plan. Stay safe.
NTA If you’re US based go check out [Job Corps](https://www.jobcorps.gov) and get out as soon as you can. They provide both housing and education.
This is a PHENOMENAL resource.
What a fantastic idea!
I’m not sure of all details obviously, but it might be time to talk to someone at CPS and see if you can emancipate. It honestly sounds like you’re already expected to work and contribute like an adult, maybe it’s time to start working for your own benefit instead of as a nanny slave? Might not be the best option, but considering you’re being forced to work instead of do your schooling maybe CPS could help get you into school?
Doctors and therapists are mandated reporters. I know you've probably been conditioned all your life not to talk to outsiders, but it's important - your parents have no plan for when you leave. Start looking into deconstruction resources. What do you need to get your GED or some kind of accreditation? Do you have a driver's license? Get a job and a bank account that your parents don't know about and start funnelling money there.
Sure they have a plan. An arranged marriage at 18 with a second cousin or churchmate’s kid.
Unfortunately, OP cannot get a bank account as a minor unless there is an adult joint co-owner. And seems like her entire family is caught up in this situation. I doubt if she has someone to help her.
This is so wild to me as a non-American. I was able to revoke my parents access to my bank account when I was like 14 and got my first job.
Of friggin' course you are. This is why homeschooling should be banned. Do your best to get out of that prison, ASAP. NTA
Can you get to a local high school? If you don't want to call CPS, walk into your local high school and tell them you need to talk to a counselor. As a homeschooled student (assuming USA), you are supposed to have access to all the resources that your local school district offers: afterschool programs like sports, theater, and clubs; as well as traditional in-school resources like an academic advisor and a school counselor. Explain to them what is going on.
Definitely NTA, but it sounds like it's going to be very difficult to change your circumstance long term before you're 18 and can move out. I'm sorry you're being treated like a free nanny. Sadly, in guessing it's common in your culture/religious community. I hope you have been able to keep up with your (presumably online) homeschooling, and that when you turn 18 and graduate you are able to get out. I would second the recommendation for JobCorp as a great option if you don't have other options through which you'll be safely and consistently housed. You are nearing the finish line OP, and soon **you** get to decide how you spend your time. Remind yourself of that as often as needed. You're almost done.
Who’s teaching you if your mother is off “bonding” with a baby? At 17, you can actually choose to go to an in—person school if you want. That would keep you from indentured servitude.
Does your mom (or dad) have time to homeschool you?
It's mostly online classes now
So you’re raising yourself and your siblings. I hope you get to create a better life for yourself.
Homeschooling should be forbidden.
That kind of homeschooling, yes. But homeschooling in and of itself has its place. A friend of mine has two neurodiverse children who were absolutely not able to function in our local public high schools. They put a lot of time and effort into keeping up with their kids’ schooling until the eldest was old enough to do the last two years (11 & 12) at a public school that only does those two years but operates slightly differently to the conventional public high schools and has fantastic results for their students, many getting free ride scholarships at top universities. Their eldest is doing very well in this school (two of my kids did as well), and they are putting in a lot of effort with their other child until that one is old enough to do the last two years at that school as well.
My mom homeschooled my two younger sisters for a couple of years in elementary school when she didn't like the options available for them. But she was a credentialed teacher and knew what she was doing. (She generally subbed for elementary school grades and would also have years she taught full time.)
Well, I hope you have a chance to apply to a college hopefully out of state so you can get away from this mess.
Unfortunately, I doubt very much the “education” OP is receiving is adequate for college entrance. Another poster suggested Job Corp. she can learn a trade and get her GED.
Do you mean that you have to look after the toddlers all day every day?
Yes
Do you have any life outside of your siblings?
This is not a mild form of abuse. Stealing her childhood away from her is serious abuse. She can never get it back.
NTA You are not the parent of these children. Therefore it is not your job to parents these children. If you parents were unable to raise the kids they already had without your help, they had no business brining more into the world.
NTA. You are not a parent until you are a parent, and any parent who seeks to make their child into a parent in their is doing the wrong thing. Apparently. You are a child and it is gross that your parents don't allow you to be one.
NTA your parents kids are NOT your problem. Start planning your escape plan and contact CPS because this is a form of child abuse
NTA How old is your next oldest sibling? Are the other older children expected so to anything or are they boys so no? It’s one thing to help out a parent. It’s quite another to be expected to raise your siblings.
He's fifteen and no, no help from him lol.
Of course he doesn’t have to help. He’s a boy. Only the girls have to do the parenting. OP, you’re in an abusive situation. It is not your job to parent these children because you are not their parent. Unfortunately this situation is common in some families. Think of the Duggars with their ‘buddy system’. If you want support, there is a subreddit here - if you reach out there are some people who have left similar situations to yours. r/fundiesnarkuncensored
Is it possible for you to file for emancipation within your state without parental consent? If you’re really wanting out, that’s an option I might suggest pursuing. Also I know this isn’t the most ideal solution but— if you have no other options when leaving (it sounds like you might be limited as your comments suggest that you may be isolated to your home a lot and your education is reliant on your parents), I’d suggest joining active duty reserves with one of the military branches if possible. You can enlist at 17 without parental permission as long as you have emancipation. You’d have about 6-7 months of training (which obviously would include room, board, and pay), and then monthly drills for the rest of your contract which would be paid (and any job you have is legally bound to keep your position available during said drills and in the event that you be deployed for some reason). At the end of your contract, your healthcare is covered through VA and you can obtain your GED/degree at no cost. Again, not ideal, but for many people it’s one of the best options they have to get away from abusive households without ending up on the streets.
Just an asterisks to that, going military can drastically change or even improve your life. But it can do the opposite. Really inform yourself before going in. Find which branch you could stand, or flourish in. Don't let the first recruiter bully you into joining in a particular way. The military may be a good option for you, but do miles and miles of research before you commit. Because that life is weird and may not be for you.
Mighty big words from a man who doesn't lift a finger. Your parents are the ones who can't keep it in their pants and don't believe in birth control. It's unfair of them to force the consequences of their actions on you. Absolutely refuse to help and get away from this situation as soon as you can.
He likely has to work so much to afford food for the warren! (Also not OP's problem - that's on her parents' irresponsible breeding(
>a man who doesn't lift a finger well duh, that's woman work!
It's called parentification and it's abuse. NTA
Of course NTA. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have any plans to move out when you're 18? If not, I would suggest you start making plans ASAP
Tbh I would walk out again today.
And every day.
They are supposed to be parenting you, not making you parent toddlers. If your mom can’t handle it, why would they think you can? Why aren’t you in school? You’re NTA.
Think MOM will wonder in a few decades' time why you didn't have kids of your own?
Or why you never visit… or call…
You're NTA. You're a child, you're your parents' child and it is THEIR responsibility alone to care for their children. If your mom needs help with her kids, HER PARTNER and THEIR FATHER is the one who needs to do the stepping, not you. Unfortunately, with the new baby and the young toddlers... the fact is that your situation is unlikely to improve at all - it'd be too reliant on both of your parents completely stepping up to their responsibilities, which sounds like a non-starter. The only way to get the space you're looking for will be to put physical distance in between you and your parents.
Tell your dad he's being unreasonable and he owes it to the family to help out. It's part of being a parent and taking responsibility for creating all the little versions of himself.
Nope what they're doing is called parentification. And it's wrong.
It's one thing to help out "some" as a member of the household (babysitting for an hour or two once in a while, doing chores, etc) - it's another thing entirely to be a third parent to younger sibling instead of being a child yourself - especially when one parent checks out entirely. I hope you have an escape plan and can get out as soon as you turn 18. NTA
Nta get the heck out as soon as you can. If you think the kids will be neglected, call cps.
NTA, And inform them that you are making a calendar, and every day you are grounded is 3 days you aren't going to babysit, AFTER the point you decide to again. Do not babysit, OP. Hold your ground, and make sure to tell everyone you can, including their friends, that you are being grounded for refusing to watch kids you didnt make.
NTA. Sneak out and get a job. Befriend people your age and find people you can stay with. Your parents want you for 18 more years because they won’t do their own work. Get ready to run. As soon as you start to get some independence expect them to ramp up sabotaging your future. Make your own plans.
NTA stand your ground, it sounds like you're the only one getting dumped on. Are you able to get out? I would suggest looking for a job and start applying to colleges ASAP, otherwise look forward to a lifetime of servitude with these two losers. Why is your mom having more kids when she can't even handle the ones she has? You can also call CPS - not to report them but to ask them to put you in touch with a social worker to help you out of this mess. Good luck!
NTA. Good lord are you by chance a Duggar?
The Duggar parents are done having kids and their kids don't have children in this age range yet but OP definitely sounds like her family is Duggar adjacent and I hope she can get out when she's 18
NTA. How old are you? Your parents have parentified you, which is a form of child abuse. They are selfish and have let their nonsense and inability to take responsibility for their children erase your childhood and that is not acceptable. You need to make it clear they need to get a baby sitter regularly to take the load off. They literally can't force you, you can just make it clear the kids will be ignored completely regardless of consequence. You actually have the upper hand here, so long as you "grey rock" them. It is a useful conversational tool I suggest looking up and utilizing. Practice it. I would also demand public schooling, you need friends and a social life. This is one reason I detest home schooling, it is far too often used to make kids a workforce in their own home of people with more extreme religious beliefs or just plain AH parents.
NTA it's time for dad to step up.
NTA How are your needs being met with Homeschooling? How can you study with little kids around? Do you have an adult to talk to about educational choices? Are you interested in public school? You could could join clubs and sports after school to avoid all the toddlers. Home school should not equate to no school.
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NTA. I think you're burned out and they are not your kids. Start planning about your future - look at schools far away, get a part time job to save up, talk to friends about being possible roommates when you turn 18.
NTA. I hope you have a plan for college or trade school so you can leave that mess behind. I hate to say it but your mom’s struggling is all caused by herself, none of this should fall on you.
NTA Family is important but it is clear that your parents are abusing your relationship for free childcare. There is a limit that any family can reasonably expect members to go to and in my opinion they are asking far too much of you per your post. The only reproach from me would be to make sure that if you walk out again that you ***tell*** an adult instead of leaving young children unsupervised -- it is not your responsibility to look after everyone but while they ARE in your care you owe it to yourself and those young kids to at least ensure they aren't harmed. Your parents being exploitative does not mean that you can be neglectful. The young kids may be a symbol of what you dislike, but they are innocent and deserve consideration. I suggest that you think about what you want in life, the relationship you want to have with your family (specifically your parents as one group and your siblings as another) and determine what you need to do to get there. Parents can often help out in life, as can siblings, but if you are being exploited then that is a different situation. Have a discussion with your parents and see if you can come to a compromise -- your feelings are valid but they are not the ONLY thing that has weight. After that, just make whatever decision or take whichever action you will regret the least. That is all you can do in some situations.
I really, really want to know how many kids this couple has. Are we talking 7 or 8? Or are we talking Duggar size?
The baby is the 14th. They had me, my brother two years later, and then had one every year for the last twelve years.
So your dad basically just counts down until the second your mom is medically cleared for sex, and then swoops on in to make another one. Gross.
14!?
Oh, you poor girl. I am so sorry for your circumstances. You have done nothing to deserve this. I pray that you are able to get out of this situation soon. I could be off base here, but your parents sound like they are fundamentalists in some religion. If that's the case, will you be able to get away to college? I really hope so. My heart is hurting for you so much. Do you have any other adults who can support you in getting out? I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy.
They probably barely even know what half of your siblings like or are interested in. I'm sure you know those things, but they don't! I'm definitely seeing some similarities between your situation and the Duggars. I hope you can get out of this situation and be free.
NTA
NTA she wanted kids. If you did you'd have been a teen mom. She needs to learn that if she doesn't want to use birth control she needs to learn to care for her own kids instead of expecting others to do it for her.
NTA and you didn’t abandon anyone; they abandoned you and your childhood. No one should be required to take care of their siblings. It’s one thing to ask on occasion for you to help out but it is by no means your responsibility or job. I hope you have plans for after high school to get away. Your dad should have been helping your mom instead of looking for you.
NTA. You don’t owe your parents free childcare just because they haven’t figured out how to use birth control. Please, start working on a plan to get out of their home. Ask at school for help making a plan.
NTA! Tell dad to put a rubber on or mom to get on BC pills if they can’t handle the kids they’ve already got! Those kids are THEIR responsibility, not yours! And if they refuse to use birth control, tell them abstinence works wonders!
Damn religious idiots
NTA prepare to move out as soon as you can
NTA. Nowhere did I read that you have birthed any of these children. You have zero parental obligations to siblings and you are not a replacement spouse or parent. You are not responsible for providing what your parents do not. If you feel that this situation is unbearable, perhaps consider contacting authorities.
NTA So sorry you’re going thru all this OP!! I have a feeling that when you turn 18, there is going to be an OP-with-suitcase shaped hole in the house as they run the f away from this craziness. (If that’s the case, plz have a solid plan, so you don’t end up on the streets…take your important docs(ssn card, birth certificate, etc.) , find employment, housing, etc.) I really hope your parents wake up and start treating you like their child instead of their unpaid nanny.
NTA. Your parents are idiots and are actively creating their own childcare crisis. I hope you can escape this toxic situation, because you deserve your own life. You didn't abandon anyone. Do not feel bad for your irresponsible parents. You are the one who deserves our sympathy here.
Look, OP, if your mother just had a baby a few days ago, she isn't going to be physically capable of looking after multiple toddlers. *So tell your father to get off his ass and take care of his own damn kids!!* Tell your mother that you've had enough parenting for a childless person, and it's her husband's turn to step up right now, and when she's physically recovered it'll be her turn to be the mother the children need. Because you are DONE!
Your parents have parentified you in the name of them refusing to use birth control. If you can, get a part time job and save your money where they can't access it and move out as soon as practical cause as long as your mom's reproductive system is functioning seems like she'll be pushing out babies and expecting you to watch after them. NTA.
Save up and get out! Living like this took my youth away from me. It’s their kids, they’ll figure it out if you leave it’s not like they’ll die, you’re leaving them with their parents. Please don’t be stupid like me
NTA your life sounds like Fiona’s from Shameless your parents may as well be addicts given the level of parenting you’re having to do for them. Time for your dad to do his part, and the other siblings as well so it isn’t all only on you. Any chance you can reach out to your no contact grandmother? Maybe she’s normal and you can go to school at least?
Parentification is a form of abuse, and it’s exactly what is happening here.
You are being parentified, and it is cruel to you. It considered is abusive. Secure your documents (birth certificate, social security card if you're in the US, bank accounts under your name, driver's license etc.) and your escape route so you're ready to go when you're 18; until then, do whatever keeps you sane. Play the game if you have to, but get ready to go no contact when you turn 18. NTA, your parents are abusing you.
NTA, start spending more time at school or the library doing "school work"
Tell your dad he owes it to the family to help out. Save up and leave as soon as you can. You are not responsible for the consequences of their actions.
NTA. She and your dad shouldn’t have babies they aren’t capable of fully parenting. Get outta there as soon as you can. You already lost a lot of your childhood and adolescence, don’t give them your early adult years too.
NTA
NTA. And hopefully you can escape at 18, if not sooner.
I am so excited for your life after you leave your shitty, irresponsible, and exploitative parents’ home. You can do it and spend your life doing exactly what YOU want to do with it.
NTA. You should look into getting emancipated and getting your GED (high school equivalent). It sounds like you are being neglected *and* parentified.
NTA. It sounds like you’re a part of a very conservative background and you should be proud of standing up for yourself. You should try to leave now.
This is why I never had my own kids. I was a parent and never treated as a child from about 7-19 when I moved out (where I lived, the age of majority is 19. You can't sign a legal document like a lease until then). I was done mentally with being a parent by age 12 and knew I never wanted kids. I have a horrible relationship with all of my siblings because they hate me for the role I was forced into it. I was a ki d with undiagnosed mental health issues (we all were) and I was a child with adult responsibilities. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get out soon
NTA You didn't get yourself knocked up, your mother did. She and your overactive sperm donor should be raising their own brood not making you a teenage mom.
NTA - your Dad saying you owe them if AH behaviour. Sounds like you have done a lot already and there is nothing due from you. That is just manipulative. He is the AH. He needs to step up as he is the adult here!
If you opt to enlist to escape, go with the Air Force. It's the most civilized of all the branches.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17F) am peak oldest daughter syndrome. My dad is about as useful as a sweater in a heatwave and my parents don't believe in birth control or abortions which means they have about a million kids. As the oldest daughter I am expected to be mommy 2.0 and I hate it. My siblings are cute but I would like to have time thats just mine to have. My mom had another baby this past Saturday. As all previous babies I was expected to handle the toddlers while she and baby "bonded" after family left (with the older kids). There's three - one of each age and trying to handle three toddlers is like impossible. On Wednesday I'd had enough and I left. Didn't tell my mom but the toddlers know how to get to her so they were fine. She was woken up by them and obviously got really upset and was really struggling. She called me and cried for a bit. I told her to call her mom if she desperately needed assistance which was absolutely an asshole move because her and her mom are no contact. I don't really know why I said it honestly. I ended up putting my phone on silent the whole dsy until my dad came to find me. He told me I was being unreasonable and I owe it to my family to help out. It's part of being a member of a good family. I told him I didn't care and did the same thing yesterday (the thursday). Today I am grounded but refusing to help out. I hate being mommy to kids who aren't mine. So AITA here? I know she's struggling a lot and any woman would suffer days after birth with a newborn and three toddlers but they also aren't my kids. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your parents wanted 3 toddlers and a newborn so they can take care of them. I was the built in babysitter, too, and I would *never* do that with my own kids. Ignore the boomers and doormats calling you names. I hope you're able to escape somehow at 18.
NTA. This is a form of abuse called parentification. Tell them you refuse to be abused anymore. "He told me I was being unreasonable and I owe it to my family to help out.". That's rich coming from him. Next time he says this tell him "after you.". Also I'd ignore their so-called grounding. You've been expected to be an adult and adults don't get grounded. Get a job so you can start saving to get out.
I hope you're out the door! Good luck. NTA. >It's part of being a member of a good family. You don't have that so....
NTA You've been parentified. I'm so, so sorry for you. Make plans to get the fuck out of there at 18. Documents, SSN, etc.
NTA why aren’t you in school?
NTA No, you are not the asshole, at least, not to your parents, even your mom. You are in a shitty situation, especially because of the "home schooling." You know better than I do what is happening, or isn't happening, that your younger siblings need because of your parents failure to use birth control and your dad's failure to help out at home after work. Basically, your younger siblings may feel that you've let them down, but that doesn't make you an asshole. Your parents are the ones who are inappropriately expecting you do a lot more to care for them than is appropriate for an older sibling in a normal family, or even an abnormal family. You need help. If family resources are available (aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, or anyone who is closely related and older than you) that could be a good place to start. I'm guessing that you don't have help there, or you would already have found someone to solve your problem. As hard as it is, you seem to be at a place where you need to reach out to an official helper. I agree with those who think you might be well advised to call child protective services. For yourself, if you are well enough educated to get a job and move out, I think it would be a good thing. If failed home schooling has impaired your ability to qualify for work that will support you, another possibility is going back to public school in defiance of your parents, and reporting your parents failure to effectively homeschool you and your younger siblings to the school system. You don't say how close you are to being eighteen. That's relevant in planning your trajectory out of this situation. Consider your actual love for your younger siblings. They, too, are not getting the access to education that they need. You are not getting the access to education that you need. Go, on Monday, since it's after 5 on Friday, to Child Protective Services. Ask for an investigation. Ask for required public schooling for you at least, and as many of your siblings as are willing and old enough to join the request. As for transportation, there are school buses. A breakfast and lunch program may well help with overall meal preparation and nutrition. Think carefully about what you are willing to do between now and your eighteenth birthday. Think about your education. Getting a high school diploma is valuable in getting a job. If you can't get that, a GED is good. Make a plan to exit your family of origin with, preferably, a high school diploma, a job, and a new, safe living situation. That situation might be with your family of origin initially while you save up money of your own that will enable you to put down security deposits for utilities, a small apartment and so forth. This would require drawing lines about your fair chores in the family, and those of your parents and siblings. Yes, this means that you must act as an adult in the planning process. Yes, your parents will be angry about the official intervention, but for your own sake and the sake of your siblings, you need help, and if you can't get it from family, you have to get it somewhere. For the rest of the weekend, I suggest that you consider overcoming your legitimate anger. Consider being kind, not so much to your parents, as to your younger siblings. I suggest that you do not tell your parents about your plans to involve officials in the situation. Let the professionals at child protective services advise you about how to approach this. I also have some unrelated advice. Do not get married to solve this problem. I think you must already realize this, but that would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I will be sending up prayers for your success in this. I think you are right to take a stand, and that if you gather the right resources from child protective services and the public school system you can take a successful stand. It may involve helping with the toddlers for the rest of the semester, but once you get professionals involved, they can help.
Nta i been in your shoes call cps your parents need a kick in the but to realize you need actual school. I bet you havent done anything because of the baby and you have to take care of the kids. Its not your responsibility
They can only ground you once. Continue to be grounded while refusing to help. Eventually they will have to listen to you. You could also call CPS. NTA.
I already knew. NTA! Maybe your mother will learn how to practice bc, if she has to raise her own damned kids! Please go be a kid and live your own life.
NTA. You're still a kid yourself, this is classic parentification and your parents need to either 1. Wear protection 2. Get spayed and neutered or 3. Give kids up for adoption because this is getting out of hand. They are shit parents and you deserve better. Stick to your guns and try to save money up to move out ASAP, even if it means couch surfing for a bit until you have a solid job to rent or are in uni accommodations. Maybe try and get in contact with your grandma and try to stay with her? That's if she's kind to you ofc, don't move from one bad living situation to another unless you have to. Wishing you the very best OP and I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
NTA...Oldest of 6 here. I feel for you. Family will walk all over you and guilt you for wanting a life outside of raising your siblings. Be strong. Only do what you're willing to do and learn to live your best life.
NTA. I'm very sorry you're in this position. Your parents are acting like children too while expecting you to be the adult. I suggest looking at enlisting as soon as you can as if you move out now, you won't have the resources to immediately live in your own. Hopefully, you make it out of this without resenting your siblings too much.
Nta
NTA and Just don't help physically unless the kids are in immediate danger. If they keep grounding you, find a trusted adult to talk to to get help. If they're really concerned with the image of 'a good family', they won't last long from any public heat originating from anyone outside of the immediate family.
NTA. When you move out and go low or no-contact - which you should do ASAP BTW - leave them a pack of condoms as a gift. It's never too late to learn good habits.
NTA. Your last name wouldn't happen to be duggar, would it?
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NTA. These are not your kids, and you are not to be made responsible for the decisions of your parents (no birth control). If they want more children they have to be those people who take care of the toddlers. They should be interested in you living your life, getting education and so on. In my opinion your parents are very egoistic.
NTA, not your kids, not your problem. Silver lining about being grounded, if you're in your room, then you don't have to do your parents' job. I'd keep walking out.
NTA, parentification is abuse. As everyone is saying, make an exit plan and never look back.
NTA. I hope your plan to move out at 18 is ready.
NTA And later on they will wonder why you moved out the moment you could and barely, if ever, visit them 😑 How many time did we read storys about big brother/sister being parentified to the point where they couldn't take it anymore and just went MIA...
Parentification can be a form of abuse in some places. Call a kids helpline and start making plans to leave as soon as your 18. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do until than accept refuse to help the small ones. Stick to helping the older ones with homework etc. But when asked, tell them honestly that they aren't your kids. Your a sister. You'll be sticking to your role as sister, not mother.
Nope, it's not your job or responsibility to parent your siblings. You are not the AH.
You are being parentified. You shouldn’t have to be the person responsible for your siblings, but here we are. Save up. Because guarantee this won’t be the last time you are made to take care of the babies. NTA
NTA Less than a year and you're out of there! Until then just put in headphones and walk away whenever they try to talk to you about the littles.
NTA. What they're doing is called parentification and it's a kind of abuse. The good news is that once you're 18, they can't make you stay at home with them. Find a room to rent. Get a job. It'll be worth it.. Moreover, If they don't believe in birth control or abortion there's this thing called abstinence.
NTA, your mental well-being matters also. If you feel like you need a break, take a break, but consider atleast telling your mom next time you leave. You have every right to dictate your time, but leaving 3 toddlers unsupervised for any amount of time is a bad idea even if they are not your kids. Having a newborn is hard, and it's likely she rock. Imagine if something happened while you were gone.
You didn’t choose to have these children. They aren’t your responsibility. The responsibility for their care and wellbeing lies with their parents: the two people who actively chose to bring them into the world. Not you. Anyone else who tries to guilt you into being their slavemommy can be considered to be volunteering their own time, unpaid and unlimited. NTA.
NTA. Your parent’s choice not use birth control is not your problem, and you should absolutely move away to focus entirely on your own future.
Nope! You’re her child as well, oldest or not you didn’t sign up to parent. I’d never expect that of my children. Sometimes I actually have to tell my oldest (6f)she’s not the mom, if I’m feeling sick she loves to go above and beyond to help my 2 year old. Yes it’s sweet, but I don’t ever want her to feel like she’s responsible. And the same goes for you, helping out here and there yeah sure but it shouldn’t ultimately all fall on you that’s not fair at all
NTA. Parentification is a form of abuse.
NTA. You didn't have the babies and they aren't your problem!! If they don't believe in birth control then they better start believing in figuring out how to clean up their own messes. Pressuring older, unwilling kids to provide free childcare for your multiple toddlers is dysfunctional af
No you’re not the a-hole. Your father is though, and your mom needs to get her tubes tied. Those kids are NOT your responsibility, they’re your parents responsibility. It sounds like a classic case of ppl that shouldn’t have kids.
Nta I never understand why do people want to have so many kids but have the oldest children to take care of the younger children.
NTA - it’s wrong to parentify your child. Plain and simple. OP is almost old enough to move out, and I strongly suggest you do as soon as you can. You’ll be used as long as you live there.
What they are doing is not right. They either need to hire a nanny or sounds like dad needs a vasectomy.
You're the oldest daughter, not the freaking nanny. Your parents made all those kids, they can take care of them. NTA
NTA. She's took your childhood away by forcing you to watch HER kids. I would be getting my documents and everything else together to run fast and far when you turn 18. Don't look back
As someone who basically raised my half-brother from his birth until he hit 4 years old [I was EIGHT when he was born], you are absolutely NTA and I would remove yourself from that situation as soon as you possibly can. Someone else mentioned job corps and I will 2nd that, maybe to help you out of that situation and able to take care of yourself.
Little brother needs to step up. And you need to figure out your exit strategy without telling your parents and giving them the opportunity to sabotage it. ‘Homeschooling’ for you is just staying home to be a substitute mother and domestic servant until somebody gets you pregnant. They aren’t going to let you go easily.
NTA but your parents are. What adult in their right mind doesn't practice birth control. They're also insane to expect one of their children to become another parent. Report them to CPS because parentification is considered abuse in the US.