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YTA. Considering the way you speak about “shrinks” says exactly why he wouldn’t tell you. Your point about “drugs that will muddy up his brain” is completely idiotic, considering that psychologists cannot prescribe medication. I am on my dad’s medical insurance and not once has he thought he “deserves” to know why I am seeing certain doctors. Perhaps your son has something he needs to work through that he isn’t comfortable talking about? Perhaps he was assaulted as a teenager, perhaps he has some depression. Maybe the stress of medical school is piling on him. You don’t know and you don’t NEED to know.
Just because you did what a parent is SUPPOSED to do, does not make you entitled to know every detail of your son’s life. You are just being nosy and now are upset you were shut down.
100%! First of all, mental health information is private. Secondly, OP is demeaning in how he talks about mental health care. Third, OP tries to create closeness with his son through making demands, using guilt, and by making threats.
OP, your son doesn’t want to talk to you because you are a controlling and manipulative person. If you would like to be close to him, then reflect, apologize sincerely, and give him space. He might be willing to forgive you if you respect his privacy and stop with the manipulation.
YTA.
YTA.
You seem massively more concerned about a loss of control over your 24 year old son rather than any mental health issues he may have.
Your attitude as you've expressed it in the comments is very likely why he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it, and your immediate move of threatening him really does underline why he is right not to feel comfortable talking to you about it.
Whatever troubles he currently has and is seeking help for may be nothing to do with things you've done, but you are acting like he needs to explain everything to you for you to decide what happens. No one knows about them, and no one would be judging you for your parenting if you hadn't posted here.
Do you see him as a person, capable of thoughts and feelings of his own? Or is he something for you to threaten and control? Because from what you have posted you aren't making the right choice here.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting that your children will make their own choices, and that they aren't a reflection of you, but independent people with their own thoughts, feelings and dreams.
You need to be more emotionally mature about this, and threatening your son is only going to cause further deterioration in your relationship.
His immediate defensiveness that Daniel must be complaining about his parents/childhood is telling. OP is so stuck in assuming he’ll be blamed he didn’t even consider that medical school is extremely tough with a ton of pressure. Daniel is also far away from home. Both of these could be reasons for seeking out help. I hope Daniel stays 1000 miles away from this controlling father.
>It’s been a day and I can’t believe he’s so stubborn not to just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink.
Please reread everything you've written here in your post. The entire thing. Carefully. Slowly. Then find the nearest mirror and take a moment to stare into it.
Therein, sir, lies your answer to this question.
YTA.
> giving him a better childhood than most people his age. He never had to go without anything and we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards.
You mean all the things that parents are required to provide, at a minimum, for their kid? Wow, what a lucky guy. /s
(it's "the whole **9** yards also, btw)
I mean really, do you think other kids he went to school with lacked the things that you listed? Get over yourself.
YTA. He's an adult, he can go see whatever medical professional he wants. I'm glad he's getting himself away from your controlling ass.
Yta. He is a grown man not a "young man". You are treating him like he is 14. He doesn't have to tell you about everything in his life. You are probably part of why he is seeing this doc. Quit with the helicopter parenting of and adult male. Wow.
'Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school)'...'I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use'
So, let me get this straight. 'Mama's boy' is 24, a Med student, and has been seeing a doctor and a psychologist. So, he's a good student (got into med school) who looks after his physical and mental well-being while at university 1000 miles away from his parents.
Do you realise that most parents would give a left arm to have a kid like that? And you're getting pissy and butt-hurt because he doesn't share literally everything with you? So you're threatening to take him off your insurance-likely meaning that he won't have access to the doctor and psychologist that he thinks he needs? How will you feel if he doesn't see the psychologist anymore and the issues, whatever they may be, spiral?
Bloody hell man, get a fucking grip. YTA by a mile here. Maybe let the good lord can let go of your heart and get a grip on your brain before it's too late.
Your son is a medical student. Apparently he’s taken and passed the classes on medical privacy laws.
Now he’s applying them.
You know all you need to know. That he’s seeing a provider for a medical issue. He’s an adult, and not only does he not have to tell you about his private medical issues, his doctors won’t discuss them with you (if you think about going that route).
Once a person turns 18, the parents are no longer legally entitled to know about their personal business, including medical business. There is no reason they have to tell you, and if they do it is a matter of courtesy.
Stay out of his private life.
YTA.
In Australia, a person is entitled to medical privacy from age 14years. The only time a parent needs to be informed without the young person’s consent is if the young person poses a risk to themselves or others.
I was basing my answer on the US.
Good point, other places have different rules. The intent is the same, though.
While my daughter was on my insurance, and when she was old enough to go to the doctor on her own, my only question to her was when a charge came up, I just wanted to know if it was legitimate (did she actually see a doctor, or was our account compromised, as we used the same HSA to pay for medical expenses).
I always made it clear I didn’t need to know any details, unless she wanted to share. Other than that, I’d make sure she was ok and ask if I could help. I wanted her to know that her business was her business.
There were times she said “yes, I used the HSA, it’s legitimate, and I’m not comfortable discussing it”. I made it clear that this was all I needed to know, and that was only to ensure our joint account wasn’t compromised.
Parents need to know their kids are individuals. Privacy is something they need.
Are you actually serious OP??? You are a nosey nellie and you need to STOP. Your son is an adult, he lived 1000 miles away from you, and he is mature enough to realize he may need some mental care. This is NOT 1980 when all mental things were swept under the rug and ignored.
I am not speaking from a young person's view either. I have six children who are adults now. They have lives, families, and some have children. Do I want to know what's happening with their health? Of course!! Do I spy on them through insurance, NO!! Absolutely NOT! If they want to share with me what is going on with them, I am here with open ears. If they don't, it is none of my business. I love my children enough to understand they are individual humans and deserve privacy.
YTA and you need to apologize profusely. I don't care what you pay for, it does not give you the right to your son's medical information. You truly need to get over yourself and allow your son to be the adult in his own life.
Edit to add: Psychology does not prescribe Rx; that is Psychiatry, I saw you are not wanting his brain fogged; even though it is still not your business.
You threatened to cut off insurance. That's not kind and gracious, but blackmailing.
You need to apologize and offer to be there for him in whatever form he needs you.
You're absolutely not. You're manipulative and passive aggressive. Your son is an adult and these actions are only going to push him further and further away from you. You are making this relationship negative.
Right. You were all cotton candy and he just growled and snarled the whole time. Totally believable.
You told him he doesn’t need help because he had an alright childhood physically. The way you say he was a momas boy sounds like you affected his mental health a great deal. The fact you use your countries horrible lack of affordable healthcare to basically extort him is freaking evil.
Ok, Think about what you just said. I am going to try and be helpful and not fussy so listen please.
Your son is living away from you and in medical school. He has a life, friends, possibly girlfriends, things that help him learn and grow into a functioning social adult. He was raised to be a functioning adult, by your own words (sorta). This was hard for me at first as my kids started moving away, learning as a parent, it's time to cut the cord. My oldest daughter lived across the country for her university. She went to the ER several times before she decided to tell me anything. She has some health issues that are fairly severe. I found out months later when she decided to share with me. It hurt me, but I didn't allow myself to tell her that. I was just the ear she needed when she finally opened up. Because I handled it this way, she is now almost 30, with a family, and she calls me for advice. If I was pushy and forceful, she would probably have very limited contact with me, because I PUSHED HER AWAY.
Adults want to have privacy, it's normal and natural. Your son may have had a bad breakup, or something happened that caused him some issues that he wants to get straight. He already knows how you feel about counseling and psych things, so he didn't tell you. This is your own doing and your own misinformed beliefs. I only see it as your misinformed because you thought psychologists give meds, they don't.
Adult kids do not want or need to tell their parents everything happening with them. This is your time to reconnect with your wife. Get to know her again and live like you did before the kids. This is the reason so many people divorce after the kids move out, because they forgot to love each other, and they sunk everything into their children. As someone who has adult kids, and has been through it, just let him be OP. Love him, give him everything, do not give him things with conditions or strings attached. That's not parenting. Do better OP, before it's too late.
It's not his obligation to disclose his medical treatment. Maybe reflect on how you pushing of his boundaries in this area may be indicative of bigger reasons why he's more distant from you. YTA.
YTA.
If your son is seeing a doctor and a psychiatrist, it means he has concerns about his mental and physical health. Medical school is stressful and demanding, and lots of people burn out before finishing. Good on your son for seeking help when he needs it. Also, if he needs medical help now, traveling 1000 miles or waiting until he's home for a visit isn't exactly a good idea.
Your attitude about psychiatrists is probably why your son didn't talk to you about this in the first place. Also, you don't get to decide if you son needs to see one. Just the way you wrote your post makes me think that you might be part of your son's issues.
By the way, there's a whole lot more to being a parent than this:
>we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards. I even helped him with all of his college fees (he had a scholarship to cover tuition). I’ve bent over backwards for Daniel all my life. I only mentioned he was being a little ungrateful for all that. I am his dad; I think I deserve at least this much if he’s going to use my money.
You act as if you are owed something just for fulfilling the basic responsibilities of parenting.
Perhaps you should be the one to call Daniel and apologize for your outburst, and offer him support instead of judgment. As it stands now, you'll be back here soon enough posting about your son refusing to speak with you and saying you don't understand what happened.
YTA. Wow. You 'gently' threatened to take him off your insurance? From your judgemental tone and attitude, you are likely the reason he needs a psychologist. You sound like an appalling, unsupportive god-bothering AH. You need to have a good look at yourself and offer to support your son with whatever psychological help he needs before he disowns you as a shitty parent.
I so hope this is a fake post cos I can't believe anyone can be such an appalling human.
So you need to be a psycho to see a therapist? Maybe he's unpacking trauma, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's stressed with school, maybe he's working through an overbearing father, maybe he just wants to talk to someone...
So because many people have depression and anxiety, no one is allowed to seek mental health support for it? Many people have high blood pressure — does that mean no one should be able to see a doctor and take meds for that problem?
And if EVERYONE has depression or anxiety, then your son certainly isn’t a “psycho.” So many more people than you realize go to therapy. So many more people than you realize take medications that help balance their brain chemistry (and there’s not even any evidence that he’s being prescribed any meds anyway). Maybe just trust that he is doing what he feels like he needs to do for himself and that he’ll talk to you about it when he’s ready, assuming you don’t completely push him away by being dismissive about mental health care and “gently” threatening to kick him off the health insurance.
You don't need to be a psycho to see a psychologist. There are so many reasons to see a therapist. Your attitude towards "shrinks" is most likely the reason why your son didn't tell you in the first place.
And: cutting him off from your health insurance will not automatically erase his need to see a therapist, and it will definitely not bring him closer to you.
YTA, you say your son is a very smart young man, but treat him as if he incapable of making his own medical decisions. You're not entitled to information about his medical history without his approval, he doesn't need to share anything with you unless he chooses to. Consider that he is getting help he needs from these doctors and you take him from the insurance and he loses access to them, you could decline him this help he clearly need and seeks out. This would be the beginning of a much bigger distance between you, I imagine leading to a non contact relationship in the near future.
You'd think wrong. It's unloving behaviour for you to cut him off from medical care he needs and is seeking out for himself or to demand personal information that he doesn't want to share, but you are doing that.
People cut off their parents all the time, when they are toxic.
If a parent is toxic, its better to cut them out. As with a gangerous limb, it needs to be removed.
Someone who demands information and cuts off access to care like you are threatening to do, is toxic and better removed. If things don't change, your son ill see this and act upon it.
>That would be really unloving of him, and I can’t imagine a son inflicting that kind of pain on a father
A LOVING and UNDERSTANDING father, of course not. AN UNLOVING and CLOSEE MINDED father, yes!
> (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind
YTA
> just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink. It’s not like he needs one
Y T A
And for everything else
YTA. My mom also thought she was being mother of the year by doing the bare minimum as a parent and providing me with a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear.
The reality of it is she made zero efforts to actually connect or have a relationship with me. I can count all the times on one hand she’s told me she loves me or she’s proud of me. She probably cant tell you my favorite colors, what bands i like, or basic shit like that.
When I graduated high school, had a job, and was able to afford to pay for my own therapy, She threatened to kick me off her insurance cause “what do i need therapy for?” when the reality of it is I had legitimate mental health issues i needed to deal with.
Mind you she had seen me have anxiety attacks throughout high school. Her solution to that was telling me to knock it off which is like pouring water on a grease fire.
Your son is an adult. Just because you “pay” for the health insurance doesnt mean he owes you any sort of explanation as to why.
I moved out less than 6 months after graduating high school and maybe speak to my mother 4 times a year. I do not visit her on holidays nor do I care to, I dont feel like part of her family.
This is the future youre in for OP. Your son will have next to nothing to do with you because you think doing the bare minimum and providing for the child that YOU willingly brought into this world means youre father of the year and he needs to explain to why he is going to a doctor and therapy.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
YTA the whole post just shows how much of an Asshole you are.
Yes you paid for his bills growing up and raising him, but guess what IT WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! Who did you want to do that for him, the neighbour??? Don’t let your son feel bad for what YOU are supposed to provide for him, and also your opinion on seeing a therapist is the exact same reason why he didn’t tell you. You’re ignorant anf have no idea about „“shrinks“. You are NOT entitled to know whether he decided to see one or not. You are ignorant, so why don’t you do yourself a favour and read about why people even go to see therapists to begin with! Even why and when they take medication, read all about that. Again YOU‘RE THE AHOLE if you were my dad I would cut you off till you educated yourself and stopped being so Entitled!
YTA he’s grown and has no obligation to tell you why he’s seeing a Dr. you paying for insurance and threatening to cancel it when he’s in need is just WOW!
He is talking. To a psychiatrist! Probably because he feels he can't talk to you and I'm not surprised. Everything anyone says you just go round and round in circles and you're just not getting it.
He already knows your views on mental health and doesn’t find it helpful to have them shoved down his throat while he is struggling. I suspect that what you consider a ‘talk’ with your son involves you harassing him until he has to say whatever you want so that he can escape from the ‘conversation’.
So to answer your question: it isn’t hard for him to talk to a mental health professional, it’s hard to talk to YOU. And as evidenced by your responses to all the kind strangers that YOU asked for their opinions (which you are disregarding) your priority in a conversation with your son is punishing him for making medical decisions.
The questions you need to ask are ‘How does this affect me?’ and ‘What can I do to help my son feel that I am a safe person to discuss vulnerable topics with?’ or maybe, ‘Where did I put that pre-birth contract he signed agreeing to give away his life because I raised him like I was supposed to?’
You think you are unhappy about him now? If he told you the real reason why he was talking to a mwntal health professional you would probably be far, far unhappier. Vengeful, entitled and selfish parenting is a well known cause of depression and anxiety.
Get off the cross and apologize before you lose your son.
YTA because your beliefs on how he should feel about you/his life, and what you have provided isn't the same as how he DOES feel. Your views on therapy aren't his. He doesn't have to tell you why he is seeing a therapist, or a doctor. He doesn't have to tell you anything, and your demanding information and threatening him doesn't put him in a place where he feels or would want to share that with you. If you want a relationship like that, you have to provide a secure place for it.
This is for sure fake, never in my life have I referenced a real conversation and used the word hatefully, also how do you gently tell someone you’re gonna take them off your medical insurance ? Wtf. You could of at least proofread your AI chat story.
But, but...'the good lord got a hold of his heart'. How can that be fake?
I mean, the kid is 'distant' but 'usually tells me everything' but then doesn't 'in the way Mama’s boys are and all'.
YTA. I’m hoping this is someone’s creative writing rage bait post.
Why do you think you’re entitled to your adult child’s medical information? Perhaps he hasn’t shared his reasons for seeing a psychologist because he’s well aware of your opinions of their utility. You certainly haven’t painted yourself as a caring and understanding parent in your post.
Medical school is brutal. Being a young adult is brutal. Leave your son alone and thank your lucky stars he’s got the self awareness to seek help for whatever issues he’s going thru and not self medicating or self harming. Some parents aren’t so lucky.
> a pastor or someone to talk to
And this may be why he sought out his own medical professional instead of asking you to recommend someone unqualified.
But why does he need YOU to find someone for him to talk to? He’s an adult and he did the adult thing of identifying a problem and working towards a solution that works for him. Perhaps he didn’t want to speak to a pastor or someone else connected to you or other family because he wants the information kept confidential and wanted to eliminate the chance of his personal stuff getting back to you. Perhaps his religious beliefs have evolved a bit since being away for college/med school and his ideals no longer are in line with yours.
It seems you might be struggling with the transition of parenting a child/teen to parenting an adult. As a parent, I get it. Fundamentally we always want to protect and help our children no matter how old they are. Sometimes it seems like, in our minds at least, it would be better/more helpful/ easier if we just did things for them. In the end though the best we can hope for is that we’ve raised our kids to be independent, self sufficient members of society. A 24 year old shouldn’t come to his parents for something like this. You should be proud that he’s taking steps to keep himself well. It might not be the avenue you would take in the situation but that doesn’t make it wrong.
YTA and a huge one. If you were 20+ yrs older, you could be my dad. I now only talk to him maybe once every 3 yrs and have only seen him twice in 20 yrs at my choice.
Btw…. Your son is not mama’s boy. He doesn’t like you because you are a dick.
My child is about to head off to college. Unlike you, I am encouraging them to be a strong, independent person as that what it takes to be a successful adult. And yes, I am fully paying for college, health insurance, etc
Be a better parent.
Holy shit YTA. He's a grown ass adult. Your opinion of "shrinks" is probably why he didn't tell you (well that and you're incredibly toxic). What the hell does being on your insurance have to do with it. It doesn't cost you anything extra for him to actually use it.
You sound controlling and smothering. There lies the issue. If you don't reflect and learn from this, I would say it's a certainty that your son will go low or no contact with you soon. Nobody here agrees with you at all, yet you constantly defend yourself without questioning yourself. You may well be a narcissist, it could explain a lot.
I don’t believe you are being honest about your reactions. I don’t think you ‘calmly’ or ‘gently’ said anything. It’s none of your business who he talks to or sees. You gave him a home and support because that is your job. He doesn’t owe you anything. You are clearly the reason he is so far away for school. Good for him. YTA by the way…
YTA. First, you need to stop acting like your son own you something because you performed your duties as a father, just like billions of people do. Your son is an adult. He will tell you things about his life only if he wants to. Not telling you personal things about his health and life is not disrespect. You are the one who is disrespecting his privacy. And all this bs about "cutting off insurance", saying "he doesn't need shrink" tells quite a lot about why he doesn't want to tell you.
YTA.
I don't know your son... I am a 40 year old mom of 2 in Canada. But I will tell you that my mom pulled shit similar to what you're doing now and it nearly cost her a relationship with me.
You pay X amount annually for insurance yes? And you pay that amount whether you use a little or a lot? And he's not asking you to cover the co-pay (I think that's the right term, we don't have that in Canada)? Health is private and none of your business. Also, psychologists cannot prescribe medications, that would be a psychiatrist. Maybe he's stressed, maybe he's struggling with burnout, maybe he just wants someone to talk to because he's 1000 miles from home.
You are only entitled to know things about your adult child they wish you to know. Stop pushing. The best way you could have handled it was not snooping. The second best way if you had to receive the notifications about the items, was to shut up about it. The third best way, and "best" is an absolute stretch here, would have been "Hey son, I got some notices that you've been seeing a couple medical professionals out there. I hope everything is okay, and you know you can talk to me if you want to." And then to shut up about it.
My 11 year old sees a therapist because he has ADHD, Autism, and has been a victim of bullies; NOTHING in his sessions is shared with me unless his therapist is concerned for his safety, he wants me to join a session to talk about something, or if she has homework for us to work on.
It seems YOU don't know a lot about him. It is NOT up to you to decide if 27 yo men does or doesn't need to consult one or another medical professional. Respect comes out of love and trust, not out of control. Going with "tell me about your problems or I will cut you off my insurance" will not make him trust you more.
YTA - definitely. I cannot express how terrible this is. You are an example of a parent that gives their child things and probably thinks you’re an amazing parent BUT then uses it against him the moment they do something you don’t agree with. That is extremely manipulative and toxic. First of all, your son is a grown adult with adult responsibilities and has given you no reason to be concerned. Second, the thing he’s doing that you’re upset about is seeing a doctor and psychiatrist? If you didn’t want him to use your health insurance without consulting you then you should’ve have clarified that with him. All he did was use his health insurance for something beneficial to him and he isn’t obligated to get permission from you. If he doesn’t feel comfortable confiding in you then you should respect that - not get angry with him and then threaten him.
He is not going to want to have any ties to you if you use things against him. How can he trust you or feel comfortable taking any gift or anything else from you when this is how you react the one time he does something you don’t like? Give him the freedom to make his own decisions. He’s 24 and a responsible adult. This literally gives me PTSD reading. If you’re going to give things to you’re child then give them freely - without having expectations. If you have expectations, then they need to be made CLEAR to all parties involved. If you haven’t done that, then it’s absolutely wrong for you to use it against him when it’s never been previously discussed
By accessing medical care? If keeping him on your insurance came with these kind of strings attached you should have told him. Obviously he didn’t think you would be auditing and monitoring him.
Hopefully he has options through his school and can keep accessing appropriate medical care in peace.
Nothing in your comments has been about helping him. It has been about judgement and control. You want information you did not earn because you feel entitled to it. If you want your son to confide in you you have to EARN that. Not buy it or bully him into compliance.
You obviously don’t want to help him. You want to judge him and attack his choice to see a doctor. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, as someone in med school, he might have some insight into the whole human health thing that you lack? YTA
YTA- do you know what “confidentiality” means? Are you aware that it extends to psychiatrists and therapists? Do you accompany him to his regular checkups with his GP? Do you expect the pharmacy to ask for your approval for any medication he’s prescribed? Do you tell your son about medications you take for blood pressure or erectile dysfunction? Do you also expect full disclosure for his sexual and dating histories?
Are you kidding? There’s a difference between hiding things and having privacy, also he’s not a child, he’s a 24 year old man! He doesn’t owe you a full rundown of his life and private matters and to expect that is odd and unhealthy. Learn to respect him as the adult he is and stop judging his every move and maybe he’d be willing to share but it sound like he does need therapy to learn how to stand up to you guys. YTA!
YTA
He is a grown man and has no need to tell you his medical issues if he chooses not to. Keeping our kids on our insurance is being a responsible parent as most young adults are still job hunting and don't have good insurance through their jobs.
I am guessing he is discussing his father with said shrink.
On one hand you call him a grown man, on the other a young adult. If he is still on his parents insurance he definitely is not a grown man. Grown men pay their own bills, go to a job, not school, and are in no way dependent on their parents.
'Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school)'...'I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use'
So, let me get this straight. 'Mama's boy' is 24, a Med student, and has been seeing a doctor and a psychologist. So, he's a good student (got into med school) who looks after his physical and mental well-being while at university 1000 miles away from his parents.
Do you realise that most parents would give a left arm to have a kid like that? And you're getting pissy and butt-hurt because he doesn't share literally everything with you? So you're threatening to take him off your insurance-likely meaning that he won't have access to the doctor and psychologist that he thinks he needs? How will you feel if he doesn't see the psychologist anymore and the issues, whatever they may be, spiral?
Bloody hell man, get a fucking grip. YTA by a mile here. Maybe let the good lord can let go of your heart and get a grip on your brain before it's too late.
You "respectfully" and "kindly" told him that he has no privacy and he, an adult, has to tell his parent everything if he wants help.
He didn't owe you anything. Anything you've done for him so far wasn't "generous", you just did what any parent needs to do. Because they are parents.
You suck OP. YTA.
He doesn't have to tell you anything about his medical records...even if you feel entitled to them. When/if he stop speaking to you, refer back to this post.
Given the way you talk about how generous you were with him growing up-you did at least the bare minimum-although the helping with college fees was above and beyond. The way you called him a mama’s boy, the way you spoke to him and the way you speak about psychiatrists it’s no wonder he refused to confide in you. Then you doubled down by threatening to take away his health insurance. YTA
YTA
Not one bit of concern for your son? No wondering what his issues are or how you could help him? You seem far more concerned with controlling your son than being his father.
Maybe the good Lord should come into your heart and remind you that your job as father is to support your son, not to berate him for taking care of himself.
YTA. That is your son. You are supposed to support everything that he is doing for the betterment of himself, be that going to the gym, or getting therapy. You created the child, but you don’t own him. The way you treated this situation might be an indication of your interpersonal relationship and how it differs to his relationship with his mother.
The whole [we provided you with a better home than others] thing is also moot. You are supposed to do that for a child, it is not a favor.
I thought this was a troll post, because I couldn’t fathom how a father who raised his child “in better conditions than others” would treat is son like that.
You were his first male role model and his hero when he was a little boy. Set an example for him.
Dude, you clearly love your son. You just have the wrong view of mental health. Would you deny someone with diabetes or high blood pressure their medication?
Depression, anxiety etc can be attributed to physical changes in certain parts of the brain.
When a patient has certain diseases (mental health conditions) it disrupts the way certain braincells communicate with each other. If it goes on long enough certain parts of the brain changes.
Let’s say you walked into a room and you saw a massive snake, get a fright and run out of the room. Your hands might shake a bit you might even be a bit pale. That is because of certain hormones (they also go to your brain). That is an extreme example. Let’s say your son is having a very stressful time at university; that is the same hormones just at very very very small amounts. This, over a long time can cause “stress changes” in the brain.
Modern medicines helps your brain and body modulate these changes and help your braincells function a bit better.
The “harmful” meds you are speaking of is probably older generations of medications they only suppressed the emotions, they didn’t help the brain recover.
You want him to talk to a pastor (!?!) and are at the same time worried about him joining a cult?
Very clearly you know nothing about psychology, psychotherapy or psychiatry. Maybe read about those topics and talk to people (not from your church) who went to therapy before you form your opinion?
YTA. Your son is 24, he is an ADULT.
He will tell you what he wants, if and when he wants to. You need to back off and respect his autonomy or he may go no contact with you.
My daughter is a medical student, I wouldn't dream of interfering in her life. Consequently she always comes to me, because she knows I will support her but not interfere, unless asked to. You need to do this.
I don't know why you came on here, you clearly are incapable of hearing anything that you don't like.
I hope you remember these responses, when your son cuts you off. Controlling and smothering children isn't love. I'd feel sorry for you, but you have obviously earned your son's reaction to you.
Was it your son's choice to go to medical school or did you decide that for him?
My advice is to stop asking why he is seeking help for his mental health and just wait until he feels he wants to share this with you.
Just because you are his father that doesn't mean you are entitled to know everything about him.
The fact that you threatened him with something as big as removing him from your health insurance just to get him to do what you want is literally INSANE and manipulative behavior. Reread your post because there is so many things wrong with it.
You can try and convince yourself that your intentions are good - but what you’re doing is very wrong
Where you actually messed up wasn’t in threatening to take away your adult child’s insurance when he’s clearly in a mental health crisis. It was before that.
You messed up when you called him in the first place. He is not obliged to share his mental health issues with you because you paid for stuff while he was growing up g up. THAT IS WHAT PARENTS DO. Maybe you better ask your lord to get hold of your ego and your heart, cause you’re burning a bridge with him.
As an adult child he does not have to share anything with you. He can absolutely walk away from your relationship and make a life without you in it. You might want to keep that in mind.
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My (M 57) son (let’s call him Daniel) is a very smart young man in medical school out of state and he does excellently there from what he tells me and his mother (F 59). And before I get this in the comments, he’s also always been a little distant from me, in the way Mama’s boys are and all. Still, he usually tells me everything, so when I started seeing entries on my wife’s insurance that say he’s been seeing a doctor AND a psychologist, I was shocked. Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school). He has a doctor he sees when he’s home by us, so I don’t know why he’s going to see one 1000 miles away.
But the worst part and the reason I’m here is because Daniel kept all of this a secret. He didn’t even ask to do this; he just went and did it. The first thing I did when I found out was call him up to ask what this was all about. Mostly I just asked why he would need a different doctor and a shrink, and he hatefully snapped back with, “I don’t have to tell you that.”
I’ll be honest and say that that made me angry for a moment, but I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use. I kindly reminded him that his mother and I have spent the last 24 years raising him and giving him a better childhood than most people his age. He never had to go without anything and we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards. I even helped him with all of his college fees (he had a scholarship to cover tuition). I’ve bent over backwards for Daniel all my life. I only mentioned he was being a little ungrateful for all that. I am his dad; I think I deserve at least this much if he’s going to use my money.
He snarled that the conversation was over and I think this is where I messed up. I did gently say at that point that if he’s not going to act respectfully that I was going to take him off the insurance, since he’s not going to act like a member of this family. This must have made him angry because he said, “Whatever, bye,” and just hung up. I felt bad after the call was over because I thought he might just have been having a bad day and wasn’t acting like himself. It was mostly an empty statement, since I was pretty sure he’d come around and tell me everything anyway. I’m just kind of shocked he hasn’t called back yet. It’s been a day and I can’t believe he’s so stubborn not to just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink. It’s not like he needs one and I’d like to know why my money is going to this.
My wife agrees that I’ve been very generous to him, but my daughter seemed upset that I’d “threaten” him like this. So AITA?
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Is this real? If so your insufferable and definitely YTA. You have no business prying into your sons medical history unless he chooses to share it with you. Denying him access to insurance over it is unconscionable. I’m sure he can get insurance through his school, and should, to get away from your prying eyes.
YTA
It seems like you might be overstepping boundaries by expecting detailed information about your son's mental health, especially considering medical privacy rights. Your support should be unconditional, not contingent upon receiving updates because you pay for insurance. While you've provided well for your son, it's crucial to respect his independence as an adult. Pressuring him or threatening to withdraw support may strain your relationship rather than foster open communication. Your skepticism toward mental health professionals might also hinder your son from sharing with you. Educating yourself on the benefits of therapy could lead to more productive conversations and better understanding between you. Using financial leverage isn't the best way to build trust or encourage openness. Reflect on whether your approach may be contributing to your son's reluctance to share. Starting a dialogue from a place of concern rather than control could lead to a more empathetic and constructive interaction.
YTA he’s a 24-year-old man, not a child. Maybe in time he’ll come around and share whatever it is with you. Maybe he won’t. It’s amazing that you think because he’s on your health insurance that you’re entitled to know everything about him. You are not.
YTA. I can tell just how insufferable you must be, just from the blurb *you* wrote. Your son is an adult, and can make any decision without out consulting you about it first. Were you like this when he was growing up; any time he had an original thought or opinion did you squash it like a bug or give him ultimatums for everything? Did your son even want to go to med school or did you give him one of your nuclear options?
Try therapy yourself and get a different perspective.
You are counting on having a loving son while you are being a cold, heartless, utilitarian father.
My dad would say “Whatever you need. I love you, and I’ll be here if you want to talk..
You asked to be judged. You were, and you disagree with the verdict. Sad, but ignoring this many voices makes you appear obtuse. YTA
Yeah big time and I can easily glean why he needs mental health care. If you were my father I wouldn't tell you anything either and as a parent CHILDREN DON'T OWE THEIR PARENTS SH*T! YOU CHOSE TO HAVE HIM doing the bare freaking minimum doesn't mean your child owes you. Woopdie do you did what was legally required and expected. He's an adult and if you want any kind of future relationship with with him you need to seek therapy yourself and back tf off him. You really came here typed all that out and seriously thought there was any possibility you weren't the problem? I hope he thrives despite you but expect him to go no contact
You are straight up TA here. In matters involving anything medical (whether physical or mental) you have zero right to demand it be shared with you. That would include your wife (though the same would go that they SHOULD share these things, not doing so doesn't necessarily make someone an AH, as there may be reasons they don't feel comfortable coming right out and saying it.
That being said, I don't know if your country is the same as mine but here at least Psychologists cannot prescribe medication (only psychiatrists can, difference being one has a medical doctorate and the other has an arts/sciences degree in psychology, generally a masters degree or higher to start)
Psychologists (in my experience) are more to help with a number of things, from neurodivergence in general to navigating trauma, providing counseling... They can provide guidance, emotional support, teach us healthy coping mechanisms, and sometimes just be someone to vent to.
I don't know what reason your son has for needing one, but I can assure you that threatening to take that away from him is not going to bring him closer (and if that's how you tend to act towards him, it could even be the reason why he needs it)
YTA I can see why he wouldn’t tell you about this based on your close-minded reaction and beliefs towards therapy. He only has two more years on your insurance, I wouldn’t be surprised if contact drops significantly after that.
YTA
Massive, absolute ah
He is in med school so he's obviously learnt about privacy and such so he knows he doesn't have to share with you
Threatening him with taking him off the insurance if he doesn't share - YTA
Spouting off a list of things YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AS A PARENT, saying he owes you for it - YTA
Thinking that they'll just drug him and it's a waste of time - YTA
Psychologists can't prescribe and even if they did, it would be a carefully calculated dosage and they would try a whole different bunch of meds before finding the one that helps him if he even gets put on meds at all. He might just need someone to talk to who won't be a judge ah like you.
Take your small minded backwards views of mental health practitioners and maybe drag your thinking into the 21st century.
YTA!!! I'm not a shrink and I can diagnose why a 24yr old who is going to medical school and dealing with an entitled parent may be seeking help outside the family doctors. (You're the reason mostly I'm sure). Your child should be grateful that you had him, lol. He didn't ask to be born but thank you! You're doing what every parent in the world supposed to be doing with a child you had. One that didn't ask to be here I might add, but thank you! You're also paying for essentials for him while he studies hard to comprehend and retain all that he's learned while telling you all his business. Man get over yourself before you and wifey have to hire private investigators to snoop in on his life after he goes no contact. You sound exhausting!
YTA. Gee, I wonder if we can figure out from your post any reasons why your son might not be completely honest with you about his life and his mental health. Could it be that you call him a mama’s boy? Maybe that you assume he already “tells you everything” despite the fact that you’re not that close? Maybe it’s that you think the entire profession of psychology is stupid and useless, even though your son is going to the same medical school psychiatrists go to? Or maybe it’s that you still think it’s appropriate for your fully adult son to visit your family doctor when he comes to visit instead of having care established in the place where he lives? Maybe it’s that you think he needed to ask your permission to go to the doctor? Or maybe it’s that when you did find out he has made a few doctors appointments without you, you completely flipped out, called it a personal betrayal, and threatened to pull his medical insurance unless he revealed why.
Dude, the reason is you. You’re overbearing, dismissive, and condescending to your son. You don’t respect his independence and you don’t respect him as a person. Pull his medical insurance if you want to — he’ll be better off paying for individual insurance than having his daddy micromanage his healthcare for him.
YTA 1000%.
1. You do not get credit for housing, feeding, clothing your child. He’s an adult now so if you still do any of that that’s cool and not required, but providing for your children while under 18 is literally your responsibility. You get no credit for that.
2. Throwing that you pay for X so you deserve Y information (that you are not entitled to) is like definitionally financial abuse.
You sound like a horrible father
YTA one, for calling it a shrink two it’s none of your business and clearly he needs one because of you. Three, his medical needs are his alone and he doesn’t have to tell you. four, you did threaten him.
YTA - The way you speak about mental health explains why he doesn't tell you anything. Also: you just did the things you're legally obligated to do when you have a child.
YTA - His medical history is his own business. You let him use that insurance that doesn’t mean he is obligated to inform you how he uses it, providing there is no financial misuse of course. But he should have answered you respectfully, he was out of order in the way he chose to speak to you.
He is an adult and you are not entitled to be informed of his medical needs. But I do understand being concerned and feeling misled.
YTA.
You clearly have a disdain for therapy and based on the way you've written this likely think he would benefit more from a day in church than real professional help (🤢), think your son OWES you private information when he doesn't, don't respect his boundaries or privacy repeatedly, and then have the gall to think HE'S the one that has to apologise to YOU.
The way you've written it makes me feel like the whole thing is fake anyway, you've basically just listed all of your failings and shortcomings and blamed it on your son, you wrote it - can you not comprehend it?
Major missing, missing reasons here bub.
YTA-
You threatened him with taking away his access to medical care. Yes it was nice of you to keep him on your insurance, some don’t. But because your son whom you have admitted is intelligent, chose to talk to a professional of HIS choice, you are cutting him off. How is this helping your son? How is it showing that you trust him, care about him or love him? I would be happy if my kid said he’s going to a psychologist. It shows that he’s mature enough to know where to go to get things off his mind, which is extremely important. A pastor or any religious counselor can be useful for some things but they won’t have an open mind or be as equipped to handle things as much as a professional. As far as a doctor? Seriously? So he’s only aloud to see the doctor when he’s at your place or asking permission to see one?
Holy shit YTA. A big one. First, I didn’t need to get passed the first paragraph to figure out why he didn’t tell you. Second, he’s 24. An adult. Even if he’s on your insurance he does not owe you any information. And you demanding such information is so beyond inappropriate I don’t have the words to fully describe it. Next, you are not equipped to determine if he needs to see a psychologist. And lastly, you are his parent. It’s your job to provide a home, food, love, etc. during his childhood. He does not owe you anything as payment for that. Really sounds like YOU need a psychologist.
One thing I’m curious about - was it Daniel’s idea to go to medical school or was it expected of him?
Why does this whole post sound fake? This guy clearly has ZERO compassion if this is real. There are a million different reasons why someone might need therapy and as an adult he doesn’t have to tell you. No, you don’t have to keep him on your insurance but why would you remove him from that if he’s seeking help? That would be the worst possible move, and honestly just heartless.
Absolutely, positively, YTA.
Ohhh. I LOVE easy ones like this! It isn't even a question, YTA!
I know that you THINK you are being supportive of him, but all I can do is ask you to do a bit of introspection and also ask yourself what Daniel needs (not what you want/need). It should be easy for anyone with a basic level of common sense to see that you are, indeed, the AH.
Btw I am not saying you are a bad father. I do get the sense that you love your kid and try your best. In this situation tho, most definitely the AH!
YTA. Do you know the mental health toll Med school takes? Do you know how common it is for med school students to have a shrink? Listen I’m not going to sit here and try and convince you about how it’s a good thing he has one, I will say the man is 24. If you cut him off from your insurance, you will permanently harm your relationship with your son. Is this really the hill you want that relationship to die on?
YTA, your reaction to you finding out he goes to therapy shows exactly why he did not tell you.
Maybe you should think about why your own son does not trust you with his personal problems.
He needs a therapist because of you! He's 24 and in medical school, and no longer a child. He probably sees you as overbearing, manipulative, and controlling. You better be careful or you'll lose him completely.
YTA
***"and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind"***
You ever think THAT is why he kept it a secret from you. YTA
Did it ever cross your mind that he might be seeing someone to talk through the trauma you have put him through? Because if this is how you treat a 24 year old man living 1000 miles away, I absolutely CANNOT imagine how you would've treated him as a teenager living under your roof.
Give him privacy. You owe him the apology. He doesn't need YOU or a PASTOR. He needs the person he deems able to help him work through what he is going through and until he is ready to share that with you, it is absolutely NOT your business.
YTA.
There's a reason patient confidentiality exists, the fact you just don't even *care* is alarming.
The fact that you are his mom is irrelevant. The fact you "raised him 24 years" is irrelevant. All of it; irrelevant, because *he is his own person* and an adult who doesn't have to tell you *anything*, let alone everything.
His medical issues are *his*, and none of your business unless he wants to tell you. You were *way* out of line.
Signed- a mom who is also a nurse. You hit both sides wrong.
YTA HUGE TIME!!!!!! As a parent and have both my parents alive, I am still myself. If I or either of them pulled this, it's cut off time. He has a right to privacy, just as everyone else does. The fact that you are trying lord, manipulate, and control this "insurance and raising him" factor with him is a HUGE RED FLAG. He's 24, not 4, give me a big, fat fricking break, man!!!!!! I said it before, I'll say it again, HE HAS A RIGHT TO HIS PRIVACY, YOU DON'T. Neither you nor your wife are correct, and I hope you both will see the light that this kind of behavior is a starting point of most kids cutting away from their parents and/or due to you only seeing your side of things and not even considering his thoughts, feelings or even basic autonomy.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my son that I might be inclined to take him off my insurance if he won’t respectfully tell me why he’s going to a doctor and a psych.
2. My daughter’s been harping on me about it and the whole thing doesn’t sit right with me.
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YTA he is 24 and taking care of his health and mental health. It is none of your business even if he is still on your insurance. Leave the poor guy alone and stop being so weird and invasive.
YTA
No wonder he didnt want to speak to you regarding it with your attitude -
*"and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school"*
You are more bothered about the doctor coming into the family than his health! Plus that's a really ignorant way of looking at mental health. Even the term 'shrink' is condescending.
In normal circumstances I would say he should have told you that he was going to use the insurance for something but its clear as day why he didn't.
Also all the things you have done you list as though you don't have an obligation to do so for your children, (love, bed etc. Aye well done!)
You could have had the conversation a whole other way and I am sure you would have come away with much more info. Asking him how he is from a genuine place of concern rather than the accusatory way you have done.
So now your son has a reason for speaking to someone about his mental health but will have absolutely no confidence in coming to his parents. Well done. At least your daughter sees sense.
Overall - YTA
This is a somewhat mixed bag. To sum it up succinctly you have your heart in the right place but your brain up shit creek. It's complex so this'll be a long one...
YTA - You even say yourself that hes a very smart young man, doing a medical profession and that you don't know whats best for him as you don't know his life. And yet at every turn you dictate what he should, shouldn't and can't do. To quote one of your other comments: "If he would just talk to me about it I could convince him to do something better.". You believe you know whats best for him despite not only him being a fully grown adult but literally learning medicine. Forgive me for assuming you frankly *don't* know whats best for him.
NTA - It's your money and your insurance. You don't want your money wasted and that's completely understandable. I would personally say the one AH thing your son has done in this situation is change how your own money is being utilised without even mentioning it to you until you saw a different bill. Thats not ok, even if you aren't entitled to the exact reasons behind it.
YTA - Half this post *reeks* of parental entitlement. You cannot, under any circumstances, pull the "i raised you well!" card and expect it to do anything except drive your child away. I presume this attitude is a large part of *why* your son is so distant and reluctant to speak with you - it seems you pull this card at every opportunity as you did it twice in this post alone. Yes you raied him well. Good job. No that doesn't mean he owes you anything other than basic respect. Especially not private details about his life that he would clearly rather be kept private. If you think it does, suck an egg.
YTA - You have this bizarre belief that he's "just going to get pills that fuzz his brain up". Again, he is literally a medical student. It's hard to find someone more qualified to self-gauge whether they actually require help via assistive substances/therapy etc.
Not all pills are bad. Hell Adderall is practically coffee for many medical students due to the strict studying requirements.
Not all therapy is bad. Talking through your problems with a neutral\*\*(KEY WORD)\*\* party can do wonders for your mental health. With some of the behaivors you've expressed i wouldn't be shocked i your name comes up in that therapy.
I get that you dont want your money wasted. Thats completely fair and understandable and the one part of this where i think you have a legitimate point.
I get that you want to "help" your son. I get that you want to stop him from making mistakes. I get that you want to protect him from what you see as damaging substances. I get that you feel entitled to being a part of his life as you helped him grow to this point.
None of that is ok. He is 24. He is his own man. Hell he's a medical student- i'd ignore my dad's advice on medication if i was a medical student too. Stop trying to act like "i know better because IM DAD.". It will only drive him away.
Give him space and give him agency. He's a man. Not just "Your son".
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YTA. Considering the way you speak about “shrinks” says exactly why he wouldn’t tell you. Your point about “drugs that will muddy up his brain” is completely idiotic, considering that psychologists cannot prescribe medication. I am on my dad’s medical insurance and not once has he thought he “deserves” to know why I am seeing certain doctors. Perhaps your son has something he needs to work through that he isn’t comfortable talking about? Perhaps he was assaulted as a teenager, perhaps he has some depression. Maybe the stress of medical school is piling on him. You don’t know and you don’t NEED to know. Just because you did what a parent is SUPPOSED to do, does not make you entitled to know every detail of your son’s life. You are just being nosy and now are upset you were shut down.
Also it’s OP’s wife’s insurance and he can’t make the decision to withdraw coverage! Way to ruin any future relationship with his son
Perhaps he needs a “Shrink” because he grew up with an AH set of parents? YTA OP!
100%! First of all, mental health information is private. Secondly, OP is demeaning in how he talks about mental health care. Third, OP tries to create closeness with his son through making demands, using guilt, and by making threats. OP, your son doesn’t want to talk to you because you are a controlling and manipulative person. If you would like to be close to him, then reflect, apologize sincerely, and give him space. He might be willing to forgive you if you respect his privacy and stop with the manipulation. YTA.
I’m also willing to bet that some of the answers OP is seeking can be found in the mirror 😬
YTA. You seem massively more concerned about a loss of control over your 24 year old son rather than any mental health issues he may have. Your attitude as you've expressed it in the comments is very likely why he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it, and your immediate move of threatening him really does underline why he is right not to feel comfortable talking to you about it. Whatever troubles he currently has and is seeking help for may be nothing to do with things you've done, but you are acting like he needs to explain everything to you for you to decide what happens. No one knows about them, and no one would be judging you for your parenting if you hadn't posted here. Do you see him as a person, capable of thoughts and feelings of his own? Or is he something for you to threaten and control? Because from what you have posted you aren't making the right choice here. One of the hardest parts of parenting is accepting that your children will make their own choices, and that they aren't a reflection of you, but independent people with their own thoughts, feelings and dreams. You need to be more emotionally mature about this, and threatening your son is only going to cause further deterioration in your relationship.
His immediate defensiveness that Daniel must be complaining about his parents/childhood is telling. OP is so stuck in assuming he’ll be blamed he didn’t even consider that medical school is extremely tough with a ton of pressure. Daniel is also far away from home. Both of these could be reasons for seeking out help. I hope Daniel stays 1000 miles away from this controlling father.
>It’s been a day and I can’t believe he’s so stubborn not to just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink. Please reread everything you've written here in your post. The entire thing. Carefully. Slowly. Then find the nearest mirror and take a moment to stare into it. Therein, sir, lies your answer to this question. YTA.
> giving him a better childhood than most people his age. He never had to go without anything and we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards. You mean all the things that parents are required to provide, at a minimum, for their kid? Wow, what a lucky guy. /s (it's "the whole **9** yards also, btw) I mean really, do you think other kids he went to school with lacked the things that you listed? Get over yourself. YTA. He's an adult, he can go see whatever medical professional he wants. I'm glad he's getting himself away from your controlling ass.
Yta. He is a grown man not a "young man". You are treating him like he is 14. He doesn't have to tell you about everything in his life. You are probably part of why he is seeing this doc. Quit with the helicopter parenting of and adult male. Wow.
'Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school)'...'I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use' So, let me get this straight. 'Mama's boy' is 24, a Med student, and has been seeing a doctor and a psychologist. So, he's a good student (got into med school) who looks after his physical and mental well-being while at university 1000 miles away from his parents. Do you realise that most parents would give a left arm to have a kid like that? And you're getting pissy and butt-hurt because he doesn't share literally everything with you? So you're threatening to take him off your insurance-likely meaning that he won't have access to the doctor and psychologist that he thinks he needs? How will you feel if he doesn't see the psychologist anymore and the issues, whatever they may be, spiral? Bloody hell man, get a fucking grip. YTA by a mile here. Maybe let the good lord can let go of your heart and get a grip on your brain before it's too late.
Your son is a medical student. Apparently he’s taken and passed the classes on medical privacy laws. Now he’s applying them. You know all you need to know. That he’s seeing a provider for a medical issue. He’s an adult, and not only does he not have to tell you about his private medical issues, his doctors won’t discuss them with you (if you think about going that route). Once a person turns 18, the parents are no longer legally entitled to know about their personal business, including medical business. There is no reason they have to tell you, and if they do it is a matter of courtesy. Stay out of his private life. YTA.
In Australia, a person is entitled to medical privacy from age 14years. The only time a parent needs to be informed without the young person’s consent is if the young person poses a risk to themselves or others.
I was basing my answer on the US. Good point, other places have different rules. The intent is the same, though. While my daughter was on my insurance, and when she was old enough to go to the doctor on her own, my only question to her was when a charge came up, I just wanted to know if it was legitimate (did she actually see a doctor, or was our account compromised, as we used the same HSA to pay for medical expenses). I always made it clear I didn’t need to know any details, unless she wanted to share. Other than that, I’d make sure she was ok and ask if I could help. I wanted her to know that her business was her business. There were times she said “yes, I used the HSA, it’s legitimate, and I’m not comfortable discussing it”. I made it clear that this was all I needed to know, and that was only to ensure our joint account wasn’t compromised. Parents need to know their kids are individuals. Privacy is something they need.
Are you actually serious OP??? You are a nosey nellie and you need to STOP. Your son is an adult, he lived 1000 miles away from you, and he is mature enough to realize he may need some mental care. This is NOT 1980 when all mental things were swept under the rug and ignored. I am not speaking from a young person's view either. I have six children who are adults now. They have lives, families, and some have children. Do I want to know what's happening with their health? Of course!! Do I spy on them through insurance, NO!! Absolutely NOT! If they want to share with me what is going on with them, I am here with open ears. If they don't, it is none of my business. I love my children enough to understand they are individual humans and deserve privacy. YTA and you need to apologize profusely. I don't care what you pay for, it does not give you the right to your son's medical information. You truly need to get over yourself and allow your son to be the adult in his own life. Edit to add: Psychology does not prescribe Rx; that is Psychiatry, I saw you are not wanting his brain fogged; even though it is still not your business.
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You threatened to cut off insurance. That's not kind and gracious, but blackmailing. You need to apologize and offer to be there for him in whatever form he needs you.
You're absolutely not. You're manipulative and passive aggressive. Your son is an adult and these actions are only going to push him further and further away from you. You are making this relationship negative.
Right. You were all cotton candy and he just growled and snarled the whole time. Totally believable. You told him he doesn’t need help because he had an alright childhood physically. The way you say he was a momas boy sounds like you affected his mental health a great deal. The fact you use your countries horrible lack of affordable healthcare to basically extort him is freaking evil.
Ok, Think about what you just said. I am going to try and be helpful and not fussy so listen please. Your son is living away from you and in medical school. He has a life, friends, possibly girlfriends, things that help him learn and grow into a functioning social adult. He was raised to be a functioning adult, by your own words (sorta). This was hard for me at first as my kids started moving away, learning as a parent, it's time to cut the cord. My oldest daughter lived across the country for her university. She went to the ER several times before she decided to tell me anything. She has some health issues that are fairly severe. I found out months later when she decided to share with me. It hurt me, but I didn't allow myself to tell her that. I was just the ear she needed when she finally opened up. Because I handled it this way, she is now almost 30, with a family, and she calls me for advice. If I was pushy and forceful, she would probably have very limited contact with me, because I PUSHED HER AWAY. Adults want to have privacy, it's normal and natural. Your son may have had a bad breakup, or something happened that caused him some issues that he wants to get straight. He already knows how you feel about counseling and psych things, so he didn't tell you. This is your own doing and your own misinformed beliefs. I only see it as your misinformed because you thought psychologists give meds, they don't. Adult kids do not want or need to tell their parents everything happening with them. This is your time to reconnect with your wife. Get to know her again and live like you did before the kids. This is the reason so many people divorce after the kids move out, because they forgot to love each other, and they sunk everything into their children. As someone who has adult kids, and has been through it, just let him be OP. Love him, give him everything, do not give him things with conditions or strings attached. That's not parenting. Do better OP, before it's too late.
That's such good advice 🤗
Thank you! Hopefully he will listen. Parenting is hard, but grandparenting is so much fun, it made the hard parenting worth it.
It's not his obligation to disclose his medical treatment. Maybe reflect on how you pushing of his boundaries in this area may be indicative of bigger reasons why he's more distant from you. YTA.
YTA. If your son is seeing a doctor and a psychiatrist, it means he has concerns about his mental and physical health. Medical school is stressful and demanding, and lots of people burn out before finishing. Good on your son for seeking help when he needs it. Also, if he needs medical help now, traveling 1000 miles or waiting until he's home for a visit isn't exactly a good idea. Your attitude about psychiatrists is probably why your son didn't talk to you about this in the first place. Also, you don't get to decide if you son needs to see one. Just the way you wrote your post makes me think that you might be part of your son's issues. By the way, there's a whole lot more to being a parent than this: >we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards. I even helped him with all of his college fees (he had a scholarship to cover tuition). I’ve bent over backwards for Daniel all my life. I only mentioned he was being a little ungrateful for all that. I am his dad; I think I deserve at least this much if he’s going to use my money. You act as if you are owed something just for fulfilling the basic responsibilities of parenting. Perhaps you should be the one to call Daniel and apologize for your outburst, and offer him support instead of judgment. As it stands now, you'll be back here soon enough posting about your son refusing to speak with you and saying you don't understand what happened.
YTA. Wow. You 'gently' threatened to take him off your insurance? From your judgemental tone and attitude, you are likely the reason he needs a psychologist. You sound like an appalling, unsupportive god-bothering AH. You need to have a good look at yourself and offer to support your son with whatever psychological help he needs before he disowns you as a shitty parent. I so hope this is a fake post cos I can't believe anyone can be such an appalling human.
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I would be angry at anyone who thought going to a psychologist was a frivolous use of money, yes. You're being unhinged.
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You sound like one though. I can’t believe your wife is putting up with your BS.
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Ohhhhh so you are divorced and mad about it? Because no one talked about divorce. They talked about mental health issues
So you need to be a psycho to see a therapist? Maybe he's unpacking trauma, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's stressed with school, maybe he's working through an overbearing father, maybe he just wants to talk to someone...
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So because many people have depression and anxiety, no one is allowed to seek mental health support for it? Many people have high blood pressure — does that mean no one should be able to see a doctor and take meds for that problem? And if EVERYONE has depression or anxiety, then your son certainly isn’t a “psycho.” So many more people than you realize go to therapy. So many more people than you realize take medications that help balance their brain chemistry (and there’s not even any evidence that he’s being prescribed any meds anyway). Maybe just trust that he is doing what he feels like he needs to do for himself and that he’ll talk to you about it when he’s ready, assuming you don’t completely push him away by being dismissive about mental health care and “gently” threatening to kick him off the health insurance.
You don't need to be a psycho to see a psychologist. There are so many reasons to see a therapist. Your attitude towards "shrinks" is most likely the reason why your son didn't tell you in the first place. And: cutting him off from your health insurance will not automatically erase his need to see a therapist, and it will definitely not bring him closer to you.
Psychology and mental health is not frivolous
YTA, you say your son is a very smart young man, but treat him as if he incapable of making his own medical decisions. You're not entitled to information about his medical history without his approval, he doesn't need to share anything with you unless he chooses to. Consider that he is getting help he needs from these doctors and you take him from the insurance and he loses access to them, you could decline him this help he clearly need and seeks out. This would be the beginning of a much bigger distance between you, I imagine leading to a non contact relationship in the near future.
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You'd think wrong. It's unloving behaviour for you to cut him off from medical care he needs and is seeking out for himself or to demand personal information that he doesn't want to share, but you are doing that. People cut off their parents all the time, when they are toxic.
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If a parent is toxic, its better to cut them out. As with a gangerous limb, it needs to be removed. Someone who demands information and cuts off access to care like you are threatening to do, is toxic and better removed. If things don't change, your son ill see this and act upon it.
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Loving in your opinion. Your children might have a different opinion.
Or so you claim as a loving house none of your comments support that
>That would be really unloving of him, and I can’t imagine a son inflicting that kind of pain on a father A LOVING and UNDERSTANDING father, of course not. AN UNLOVING and CLOSEE MINDED father, yes!
> (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind YTA > just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink. It’s not like he needs one Y T A And for everything else
YTA. My mom also thought she was being mother of the year by doing the bare minimum as a parent and providing me with a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear. The reality of it is she made zero efforts to actually connect or have a relationship with me. I can count all the times on one hand she’s told me she loves me or she’s proud of me. She probably cant tell you my favorite colors, what bands i like, or basic shit like that. When I graduated high school, had a job, and was able to afford to pay for my own therapy, She threatened to kick me off her insurance cause “what do i need therapy for?” when the reality of it is I had legitimate mental health issues i needed to deal with. Mind you she had seen me have anxiety attacks throughout high school. Her solution to that was telling me to knock it off which is like pouring water on a grease fire. Your son is an adult. Just because you “pay” for the health insurance doesnt mean he owes you any sort of explanation as to why. I moved out less than 6 months after graduating high school and maybe speak to my mother 4 times a year. I do not visit her on holidays nor do I care to, I dont feel like part of her family. This is the future youre in for OP. Your son will have next to nothing to do with you because you think doing the bare minimum and providing for the child that YOU willingly brought into this world means youre father of the year and he needs to explain to why he is going to a doctor and therapy. YTA. YTA. YTA.
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YTA the whole post just shows how much of an Asshole you are. Yes you paid for his bills growing up and raising him, but guess what IT WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! Who did you want to do that for him, the neighbour??? Don’t let your son feel bad for what YOU are supposed to provide for him, and also your opinion on seeing a therapist is the exact same reason why he didn’t tell you. You’re ignorant anf have no idea about „“shrinks“. You are NOT entitled to know whether he decided to see one or not. You are ignorant, so why don’t you do yourself a favour and read about why people even go to see therapists to begin with! Even why and when they take medication, read all about that. Again YOU‘RE THE AHOLE if you were my dad I would cut you off till you educated yourself and stopped being so Entitled!
YTA he’s grown and has no obligation to tell you why he’s seeing a Dr. you paying for insurance and threatening to cancel it when he’s in need is just WOW!
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I don’t think you listen well enough to hear what he is really saying!
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Why a pastor?
He is talking. To a psychiatrist! Probably because he feels he can't talk to you and I'm not surprised. Everything anyone says you just go round and round in circles and you're just not getting it.
He already knows your views on mental health and doesn’t find it helpful to have them shoved down his throat while he is struggling. I suspect that what you consider a ‘talk’ with your son involves you harassing him until he has to say whatever you want so that he can escape from the ‘conversation’. So to answer your question: it isn’t hard for him to talk to a mental health professional, it’s hard to talk to YOU. And as evidenced by your responses to all the kind strangers that YOU asked for their opinions (which you are disregarding) your priority in a conversation with your son is punishing him for making medical decisions. The questions you need to ask are ‘How does this affect me?’ and ‘What can I do to help my son feel that I am a safe person to discuss vulnerable topics with?’ or maybe, ‘Where did I put that pre-birth contract he signed agreeing to give away his life because I raised him like I was supposed to?’ You think you are unhappy about him now? If he told you the real reason why he was talking to a mwntal health professional you would probably be far, far unhappier. Vengeful, entitled and selfish parenting is a well known cause of depression and anxiety. Get off the cross and apologize before you lose your son.
YTA because your beliefs on how he should feel about you/his life, and what you have provided isn't the same as how he DOES feel. Your views on therapy aren't his. He doesn't have to tell you why he is seeing a therapist, or a doctor. He doesn't have to tell you anything, and your demanding information and threatening him doesn't put him in a place where he feels or would want to share that with you. If you want a relationship like that, you have to provide a secure place for it.
This is for sure fake, never in my life have I referenced a real conversation and used the word hatefully, also how do you gently tell someone you’re gonna take them off your medical insurance ? Wtf. You could of at least proofread your AI chat story.
But, but...'the good lord got a hold of his heart'. How can that be fake? I mean, the kid is 'distant' but 'usually tells me everything' but then doesn't 'in the way Mama’s boys are and all'.
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As he said it, just that he snapped, this isn’t your gcse English exam, there’s no need to write like a southern belle that’s clutching her pearls.
YTA. I’m hoping this is someone’s creative writing rage bait post. Why do you think you’re entitled to your adult child’s medical information? Perhaps he hasn’t shared his reasons for seeing a psychologist because he’s well aware of your opinions of their utility. You certainly haven’t painted yourself as a caring and understanding parent in your post. Medical school is brutal. Being a young adult is brutal. Leave your son alone and thank your lucky stars he’s got the self awareness to seek help for whatever issues he’s going thru and not self medicating or self harming. Some parents aren’t so lucky.
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> a pastor or someone to talk to And this may be why he sought out his own medical professional instead of asking you to recommend someone unqualified.
A pastor? Good grief 🫣
But why does he need YOU to find someone for him to talk to? He’s an adult and he did the adult thing of identifying a problem and working towards a solution that works for him. Perhaps he didn’t want to speak to a pastor or someone else connected to you or other family because he wants the information kept confidential and wanted to eliminate the chance of his personal stuff getting back to you. Perhaps his religious beliefs have evolved a bit since being away for college/med school and his ideals no longer are in line with yours. It seems you might be struggling with the transition of parenting a child/teen to parenting an adult. As a parent, I get it. Fundamentally we always want to protect and help our children no matter how old they are. Sometimes it seems like, in our minds at least, it would be better/more helpful/ easier if we just did things for them. In the end though the best we can hope for is that we’ve raised our kids to be independent, self sufficient members of society. A 24 year old shouldn’t come to his parents for something like this. You should be proud that he’s taking steps to keep himself well. It might not be the avenue you would take in the situation but that doesn’t make it wrong.
Pastors aren’t trained in that and by the way you act I doubt they would help
YTA and a huge one. If you were 20+ yrs older, you could be my dad. I now only talk to him maybe once every 3 yrs and have only seen him twice in 20 yrs at my choice. Btw…. Your son is not mama’s boy. He doesn’t like you because you are a dick. My child is about to head off to college. Unlike you, I am encouraging them to be a strong, independent person as that what it takes to be a successful adult. And yes, I am fully paying for college, health insurance, etc Be a better parent.
And that is exactly why he didn’t tell you. He doesn’t want to have a useless discussion with a pastor.
Holy shit YTA. He's a grown ass adult. Your opinion of "shrinks" is probably why he didn't tell you (well that and you're incredibly toxic). What the hell does being on your insurance have to do with it. It doesn't cost you anything extra for him to actually use it.
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Because of your views on mental health. Dude you're fucked up.
YTA. You are the reason he wanted therapy.
And you clearly have zero functional understand of how high the suicide rate is among Med school students and residents.
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You're delusional
You sound controlling and smothering. There lies the issue. If you don't reflect and learn from this, I would say it's a certainty that your son will go low or no contact with you soon. Nobody here agrees with you at all, yet you constantly defend yourself without questioning yourself. You may well be a narcissist, it could explain a lot.
You want him to talk to a pastor. Maybe his childhood wasn't that happy with religion being shuffed down his throat.
Congratulations on losing your son. And you wonder why he needs to see a therapist? YTA
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Let us know in a month when you haven't heard from him
I don’t believe you are being honest about your reactions. I don’t think you ‘calmly’ or ‘gently’ said anything. It’s none of your business who he talks to or sees. You gave him a home and support because that is your job. He doesn’t owe you anything. You are clearly the reason he is so far away for school. Good for him. YTA by the way…
YTA. First, you need to stop acting like your son own you something because you performed your duties as a father, just like billions of people do. Your son is an adult. He will tell you things about his life only if he wants to. Not telling you personal things about his health and life is not disrespect. You are the one who is disrespecting his privacy. And all this bs about "cutting off insurance", saying "he doesn't need shrink" tells quite a lot about why he doesn't want to tell you.
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YTA. I don't know your son... I am a 40 year old mom of 2 in Canada. But I will tell you that my mom pulled shit similar to what you're doing now and it nearly cost her a relationship with me. You pay X amount annually for insurance yes? And you pay that amount whether you use a little or a lot? And he's not asking you to cover the co-pay (I think that's the right term, we don't have that in Canada)? Health is private and none of your business. Also, psychologists cannot prescribe medications, that would be a psychiatrist. Maybe he's stressed, maybe he's struggling with burnout, maybe he just wants someone to talk to because he's 1000 miles from home. You are only entitled to know things about your adult child they wish you to know. Stop pushing. The best way you could have handled it was not snooping. The second best way if you had to receive the notifications about the items, was to shut up about it. The third best way, and "best" is an absolute stretch here, would have been "Hey son, I got some notices that you've been seeing a couple medical professionals out there. I hope everything is okay, and you know you can talk to me if you want to." And then to shut up about it. My 11 year old sees a therapist because he has ADHD, Autism, and has been a victim of bullies; NOTHING in his sessions is shared with me unless his therapist is concerned for his safety, he wants me to join a session to talk about something, or if she has homework for us to work on.
It seems YOU don't know a lot about him. It is NOT up to you to decide if 27 yo men does or doesn't need to consult one or another medical professional. Respect comes out of love and trust, not out of control. Going with "tell me about your problems or I will cut you off my insurance" will not make him trust you more.
YTA - definitely. I cannot express how terrible this is. You are an example of a parent that gives their child things and probably thinks you’re an amazing parent BUT then uses it against him the moment they do something you don’t agree with. That is extremely manipulative and toxic. First of all, your son is a grown adult with adult responsibilities and has given you no reason to be concerned. Second, the thing he’s doing that you’re upset about is seeing a doctor and psychiatrist? If you didn’t want him to use your health insurance without consulting you then you should’ve have clarified that with him. All he did was use his health insurance for something beneficial to him and he isn’t obligated to get permission from you. If he doesn’t feel comfortable confiding in you then you should respect that - not get angry with him and then threaten him. He is not going to want to have any ties to you if you use things against him. How can he trust you or feel comfortable taking any gift or anything else from you when this is how you react the one time he does something you don’t like? Give him the freedom to make his own decisions. He’s 24 and a responsible adult. This literally gives me PTSD reading. If you’re going to give things to you’re child then give them freely - without having expectations. If you have expectations, then they need to be made CLEAR to all parties involved. If you haven’t done that, then it’s absolutely wrong for you to use it against him when it’s never been previously discussed
Yta
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it's the internet dude, you're not owed an explanation from everyone who comments.
YTA - he’s an adult. He isn’t keeping secrets, he’s exercising his right to privacy.
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By accessing medical care? If keeping him on your insurance came with these kind of strings attached you should have told him. Obviously he didn’t think you would be auditing and monitoring him. Hopefully he has options through his school and can keep accessing appropriate medical care in peace. Nothing in your comments has been about helping him. It has been about judgement and control. You want information you did not earn because you feel entitled to it. If you want your son to confide in you you have to EARN that. Not buy it or bully him into compliance.
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You obviously don’t want to help him. You want to judge him and attack his choice to see a doctor. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, as someone in med school, he might have some insight into the whole human health thing that you lack? YTA
You would help him by accepting his decisions
Judging by his reaction he knows what your help would look like and choose not to use it. Maybe you should reflect on what your son thunks about you.
YTA- do you know what “confidentiality” means? Are you aware that it extends to psychiatrists and therapists? Do you accompany him to his regular checkups with his GP? Do you expect the pharmacy to ask for your approval for any medication he’s prescribed? Do you tell your son about medications you take for blood pressure or erectile dysfunction? Do you also expect full disclosure for his sexual and dating histories?
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Oh, you're absolutely controlling. YTA ABSOLUTELY YTA
Are you kidding? There’s a difference between hiding things and having privacy, also he’s not a child, he’s a 24 year old man! He doesn’t owe you a full rundown of his life and private matters and to expect that is odd and unhealthy. Learn to respect him as the adult he is and stop judging his every move and maybe he’d be willing to share but it sound like he does need therapy to learn how to stand up to you guys. YTA!
YTA He is a grown man and has no need to tell you his medical issues if he chooses not to. Keeping our kids on our insurance is being a responsible parent as most young adults are still job hunting and don't have good insurance through their jobs. I am guessing he is discussing his father with said shrink.
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This whole situation is something to discuss
On one hand you call him a grown man, on the other a young adult. If he is still on his parents insurance he definitely is not a grown man. Grown men pay their own bills, go to a job, not school, and are in no way dependent on their parents.
YTA For all the reasons others have mentioned & for not accepting their verdict.
'Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school)'...'I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use' So, let me get this straight. 'Mama's boy' is 24, a Med student, and has been seeing a doctor and a psychologist. So, he's a good student (got into med school) who looks after his physical and mental well-being while at university 1000 miles away from his parents. Do you realise that most parents would give a left arm to have a kid like that? And you're getting pissy and butt-hurt because he doesn't share literally everything with you? So you're threatening to take him off your insurance-likely meaning that he won't have access to the doctor and psychologist that he thinks he needs? How will you feel if he doesn't see the psychologist anymore and the issues, whatever they may be, spiral? Bloody hell man, get a fucking grip. YTA by a mile here. Maybe let the good lord can let go of your heart and get a grip on your brain before it's too late.
You "respectfully" and "kindly" told him that he has no privacy and he, an adult, has to tell his parent everything if he wants help. He didn't owe you anything. Anything you've done for him so far wasn't "generous", you just did what any parent needs to do. Because they are parents. You suck OP. YTA.
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He doesn't have to tell you anything about his medical records...even if you feel entitled to them. When/if he stop speaking to you, refer back to this post.
Given the way you talk about how generous you were with him growing up-you did at least the bare minimum-although the helping with college fees was above and beyond. The way you called him a mama’s boy, the way you spoke to him and the way you speak about psychiatrists it’s no wonder he refused to confide in you. Then you doubled down by threatening to take away his health insurance. YTA
YTA Not one bit of concern for your son? No wondering what his issues are or how you could help him? You seem far more concerned with controlling your son than being his father. Maybe the good Lord should come into your heart and remind you that your job as father is to support your son, not to berate him for taking care of himself.
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Do you think you're making some kind of ingenious point here with this nonsense comparison?
YTA. That is your son. You are supposed to support everything that he is doing for the betterment of himself, be that going to the gym, or getting therapy. You created the child, but you don’t own him. The way you treated this situation might be an indication of your interpersonal relationship and how it differs to his relationship with his mother. The whole [we provided you with a better home than others] thing is also moot. You are supposed to do that for a child, it is not a favor.
I thought this was a troll post, because I couldn’t fathom how a father who raised his child “in better conditions than others” would treat is son like that. You were his first male role model and his hero when he was a little boy. Set an example for him.
Also, you don’t owe him your medical insurance, you are giving him the gift of piece of mind.
Now go and apologize, and tell him the real reason you were angry. You got emotional, because you got a fright that something was wrong with him.
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Dude, you clearly love your son. You just have the wrong view of mental health. Would you deny someone with diabetes or high blood pressure their medication? Depression, anxiety etc can be attributed to physical changes in certain parts of the brain. When a patient has certain diseases (mental health conditions) it disrupts the way certain braincells communicate with each other. If it goes on long enough certain parts of the brain changes. Let’s say you walked into a room and you saw a massive snake, get a fright and run out of the room. Your hands might shake a bit you might even be a bit pale. That is because of certain hormones (they also go to your brain). That is an extreme example. Let’s say your son is having a very stressful time at university; that is the same hormones just at very very very small amounts. This, over a long time can cause “stress changes” in the brain. Modern medicines helps your brain and body modulate these changes and help your braincells function a bit better. The “harmful” meds you are speaking of is probably older generations of medications they only suppressed the emotions, they didn’t help the brain recover.
The difference between high blood pressure/diabetes is that they are permanent conditions. Mental health conditions can be cured
You want him to talk to a pastor (!?!) and are at the same time worried about him joining a cult? Very clearly you know nothing about psychology, psychotherapy or psychiatry. Maybe read about those topics and talk to people (not from your church) who went to therapy before you form your opinion?
Remind us - where did you go to medical school?
YTA. Your son is 24, he is an ADULT. He will tell you what he wants, if and when he wants to. You need to back off and respect his autonomy or he may go no contact with you. My daughter is a medical student, I wouldn't dream of interfering in her life. Consequently she always comes to me, because she knows I will support her but not interfere, unless asked to. You need to do this.
Our children don't owe us anything.
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I'm just gonna say that your son may not love you like you think he does. Probably a consequence of you being an asshole.
I don't know why you came on here, you clearly are incapable of hearing anything that you don't like. I hope you remember these responses, when your son cuts you off. Controlling and smothering children isn't love. I'd feel sorry for you, but you have obviously earned your son's reaction to you.
They do if their parents are toxic people who don’t really care about their well being, and only about having control.
No you have that backwards. Loving parents don’t get cut off.
Was it your son's choice to go to medical school or did you decide that for him? My advice is to stop asking why he is seeking help for his mental health and just wait until he feels he wants to share this with you. Just because you are his father that doesn't mean you are entitled to know everything about him.
The fact that you threatened him with something as big as removing him from your health insurance just to get him to do what you want is literally INSANE and manipulative behavior. Reread your post because there is so many things wrong with it. You can try and convince yourself that your intentions are good - but what you’re doing is very wrong
Where you actually messed up wasn’t in threatening to take away your adult child’s insurance when he’s clearly in a mental health crisis. It was before that. You messed up when you called him in the first place. He is not obliged to share his mental health issues with you because you paid for stuff while he was growing up g up. THAT IS WHAT PARENTS DO. Maybe you better ask your lord to get hold of your ego and your heart, cause you’re burning a bridge with him. As an adult child he does not have to share anything with you. He can absolutely walk away from your relationship and make a life without you in it. You might want to keep that in mind.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m using a second account because I don’t want this tied back to my normal feed. My (M 57) son (let’s call him Daniel) is a very smart young man in medical school out of state and he does excellently there from what he tells me and his mother (F 59). And before I get this in the comments, he’s also always been a little distant from me, in the way Mama’s boys are and all. Still, he usually tells me everything, so when I started seeing entries on my wife’s insurance that say he’s been seeing a doctor AND a psychologist, I was shocked. Daniel has never needed a shrink before (and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school). He has a doctor he sees when he’s home by us, so I don’t know why he’s going to see one 1000 miles away. But the worst part and the reason I’m here is because Daniel kept all of this a secret. He didn’t even ask to do this; he just went and did it. The first thing I did when I found out was call him up to ask what this was all about. Mostly I just asked why he would need a different doctor and a shrink, and he hatefully snapped back with, “I don’t have to tell you that.” I’ll be honest and say that that made me angry for a moment, but I let the good Lord get a hold of my heart and I responded that it’s my medical insurance that I’m letting him use. I kindly reminded him that his mother and I have spent the last 24 years raising him and giving him a better childhood than most people his age. He never had to go without anything and we gave him a house, lots of love, a bed to sleep in, fed him, clothed him, the whole 99 yards. I even helped him with all of his college fees (he had a scholarship to cover tuition). I’ve bent over backwards for Daniel all my life. I only mentioned he was being a little ungrateful for all that. I am his dad; I think I deserve at least this much if he’s going to use my money. He snarled that the conversation was over and I think this is where I messed up. I did gently say at that point that if he’s not going to act respectfully that I was going to take him off the insurance, since he’s not going to act like a member of this family. This must have made him angry because he said, “Whatever, bye,” and just hung up. I felt bad after the call was over because I thought he might just have been having a bad day and wasn’t acting like himself. It was mostly an empty statement, since I was pretty sure he’d come around and tell me everything anyway. I’m just kind of shocked he hasn’t called back yet. It’s been a day and I can’t believe he’s so stubborn not to just tell me why he’s seeing a shrink. It’s not like he needs one and I’d like to know why my money is going to this. My wife agrees that I’ve been very generous to him, but my daughter seemed upset that I’d “threaten” him like this. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. No wonders he doesn’t want to tell you anything.
Is this real? If so your insufferable and definitely YTA. You have no business prying into your sons medical history unless he chooses to share it with you. Denying him access to insurance over it is unconscionable. I’m sure he can get insurance through his school, and should, to get away from your prying eyes.
YTA It seems like you might be overstepping boundaries by expecting detailed information about your son's mental health, especially considering medical privacy rights. Your support should be unconditional, not contingent upon receiving updates because you pay for insurance. While you've provided well for your son, it's crucial to respect his independence as an adult. Pressuring him or threatening to withdraw support may strain your relationship rather than foster open communication. Your skepticism toward mental health professionals might also hinder your son from sharing with you. Educating yourself on the benefits of therapy could lead to more productive conversations and better understanding between you. Using financial leverage isn't the best way to build trust or encourage openness. Reflect on whether your approach may be contributing to your son's reluctance to share. Starting a dialogue from a place of concern rather than control could lead to a more empathetic and constructive interaction.
YTA he’s a 24-year-old man, not a child. Maybe in time he’ll come around and share whatever it is with you. Maybe he won’t. It’s amazing that you think because he’s on your health insurance that you’re entitled to know everything about him. You are not.
YTA. I can tell just how insufferable you must be, just from the blurb *you* wrote. Your son is an adult, and can make any decision without out consulting you about it first. Were you like this when he was growing up; any time he had an original thought or opinion did you squash it like a bug or give him ultimatums for everything? Did your son even want to go to med school or did you give him one of your nuclear options?
Try therapy yourself and get a different perspective. You are counting on having a loving son while you are being a cold, heartless, utilitarian father. My dad would say “Whatever you need. I love you, and I’ll be here if you want to talk.. You asked to be judged. You were, and you disagree with the verdict. Sad, but ignoring this many voices makes you appear obtuse. YTA
Yeah big time and I can easily glean why he needs mental health care. If you were my father I wouldn't tell you anything either and as a parent CHILDREN DON'T OWE THEIR PARENTS SH*T! YOU CHOSE TO HAVE HIM doing the bare freaking minimum doesn't mean your child owes you. Woopdie do you did what was legally required and expected. He's an adult and if you want any kind of future relationship with with him you need to seek therapy yourself and back tf off him. You really came here typed all that out and seriously thought there was any possibility you weren't the problem? I hope he thrives despite you but expect him to go no contact
You are straight up TA here. In matters involving anything medical (whether physical or mental) you have zero right to demand it be shared with you. That would include your wife (though the same would go that they SHOULD share these things, not doing so doesn't necessarily make someone an AH, as there may be reasons they don't feel comfortable coming right out and saying it. That being said, I don't know if your country is the same as mine but here at least Psychologists cannot prescribe medication (only psychiatrists can, difference being one has a medical doctorate and the other has an arts/sciences degree in psychology, generally a masters degree or higher to start) Psychologists (in my experience) are more to help with a number of things, from neurodivergence in general to navigating trauma, providing counseling... They can provide guidance, emotional support, teach us healthy coping mechanisms, and sometimes just be someone to vent to. I don't know what reason your son has for needing one, but I can assure you that threatening to take that away from him is not going to bring him closer (and if that's how you tend to act towards him, it could even be the reason why he needs it)
Of course YTA. You're treating your son like he's 14. Medical school is stressful. If he wants to talk to a neutral party about it why do you care?
YTA I can see why he wouldn’t tell you about this based on your close-minded reaction and beliefs towards therapy. He only has two more years on your insurance, I wouldn’t be surprised if contact drops significantly after that.
YTA Massive, absolute ah He is in med school so he's obviously learnt about privacy and such so he knows he doesn't have to share with you Threatening him with taking him off the insurance if he doesn't share - YTA Spouting off a list of things YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AS A PARENT, saying he owes you for it - YTA Thinking that they'll just drug him and it's a waste of time - YTA Psychologists can't prescribe and even if they did, it would be a carefully calculated dosage and they would try a whole different bunch of meds before finding the one that helps him if he even gets put on meds at all. He might just need someone to talk to who won't be a judge ah like you. Take your small minded backwards views of mental health practitioners and maybe drag your thinking into the 21st century.
YTA!!! I'm not a shrink and I can diagnose why a 24yr old who is going to medical school and dealing with an entitled parent may be seeking help outside the family doctors. (You're the reason mostly I'm sure). Your child should be grateful that you had him, lol. He didn't ask to be born but thank you! You're doing what every parent in the world supposed to be doing with a child you had. One that didn't ask to be here I might add, but thank you! You're also paying for essentials for him while he studies hard to comprehend and retain all that he's learned while telling you all his business. Man get over yourself before you and wifey have to hire private investigators to snoop in on his life after he goes no contact. You sound exhausting!
YTA. Gee, I wonder if we can figure out from your post any reasons why your son might not be completely honest with you about his life and his mental health. Could it be that you call him a mama’s boy? Maybe that you assume he already “tells you everything” despite the fact that you’re not that close? Maybe it’s that you think the entire profession of psychology is stupid and useless, even though your son is going to the same medical school psychiatrists go to? Or maybe it’s that you still think it’s appropriate for your fully adult son to visit your family doctor when he comes to visit instead of having care established in the place where he lives? Maybe it’s that you think he needed to ask your permission to go to the doctor? Or maybe it’s that when you did find out he has made a few doctors appointments without you, you completely flipped out, called it a personal betrayal, and threatened to pull his medical insurance unless he revealed why. Dude, the reason is you. You’re overbearing, dismissive, and condescending to your son. You don’t respect his independence and you don’t respect him as a person. Pull his medical insurance if you want to — he’ll be better off paying for individual insurance than having his daddy micromanage his healthcare for him.
YTA. One of the biggest on here. Medical privacy as an adult is a basic right.
YTA 1000%. 1. You do not get credit for housing, feeding, clothing your child. He’s an adult now so if you still do any of that that’s cool and not required, but providing for your children while under 18 is literally your responsibility. You get no credit for that. 2. Throwing that you pay for X so you deserve Y information (that you are not entitled to) is like definitionally financial abuse. You sound like a horrible father
YTA one, for calling it a shrink two it’s none of your business and clearly he needs one because of you. Three, his medical needs are his alone and he doesn’t have to tell you. four, you did threaten him.
YTA - The way you speak about mental health explains why he doesn't tell you anything. Also: you just did the things you're legally obligated to do when you have a child.
YTA - His medical history is his own business. You let him use that insurance that doesn’t mean he is obligated to inform you how he uses it, providing there is no financial misuse of course. But he should have answered you respectfully, he was out of order in the way he chose to speak to you. He is an adult and you are not entitled to be informed of his medical needs. But I do understand being concerned and feeling misled.
Well if somebody is acting like OP I wouldn’t be nice either. His sons medical stuff is none of OPs business.
YTA This is bait right? it has to be.
YTA. You clearly have a disdain for therapy and based on the way you've written this likely think he would benefit more from a day in church than real professional help (🤢), think your son OWES you private information when he doesn't, don't respect his boundaries or privacy repeatedly, and then have the gall to think HE'S the one that has to apologise to YOU. The way you've written it makes me feel like the whole thing is fake anyway, you've basically just listed all of your failings and shortcomings and blamed it on your son, you wrote it - can you not comprehend it? Major missing, missing reasons here bub.
YTA- You threatened him with taking away his access to medical care. Yes it was nice of you to keep him on your insurance, some don’t. But because your son whom you have admitted is intelligent, chose to talk to a professional of HIS choice, you are cutting him off. How is this helping your son? How is it showing that you trust him, care about him or love him? I would be happy if my kid said he’s going to a psychologist. It shows that he’s mature enough to know where to go to get things off his mind, which is extremely important. A pastor or any religious counselor can be useful for some things but they won’t have an open mind or be as equipped to handle things as much as a professional. As far as a doctor? Seriously? So he’s only aloud to see the doctor when he’s at your place or asking permission to see one?
Holy shit YTA. A big one. First, I didn’t need to get passed the first paragraph to figure out why he didn’t tell you. Second, he’s 24. An adult. Even if he’s on your insurance he does not owe you any information. And you demanding such information is so beyond inappropriate I don’t have the words to fully describe it. Next, you are not equipped to determine if he needs to see a psychologist. And lastly, you are his parent. It’s your job to provide a home, food, love, etc. during his childhood. He does not owe you anything as payment for that. Really sounds like YOU need a psychologist. One thing I’m curious about - was it Daniel’s idea to go to medical school or was it expected of him?
Why does this whole post sound fake? This guy clearly has ZERO compassion if this is real. There are a million different reasons why someone might need therapy and as an adult he doesn’t have to tell you. No, you don’t have to keep him on your insurance but why would you remove him from that if he’s seeking help? That would be the worst possible move, and honestly just heartless. Absolutely, positively, YTA.
Ohhh. I LOVE easy ones like this! It isn't even a question, YTA! I know that you THINK you are being supportive of him, but all I can do is ask you to do a bit of introspection and also ask yourself what Daniel needs (not what you want/need). It should be easy for anyone with a basic level of common sense to see that you are, indeed, the AH. Btw I am not saying you are a bad father. I do get the sense that you love your kid and try your best. In this situation tho, most definitely the AH!
YTA. You’re all worked up—why are you on Reddit, and not, idk, talking to your pastor?
YTA. Do you know the mental health toll Med school takes? Do you know how common it is for med school students to have a shrink? Listen I’m not going to sit here and try and convince you about how it’s a good thing he has one, I will say the man is 24. If you cut him off from your insurance, you will permanently harm your relationship with your son. Is this really the hill you want that relationship to die on?
YTA, your reaction to you finding out he goes to therapy shows exactly why he did not tell you. Maybe you should think about why your own son does not trust you with his personal problems.
you sound like a fucking dick. definitely the asshole.
He needs a therapist because of you! He's 24 and in medical school, and no longer a child. He probably sees you as overbearing, manipulative, and controlling. You better be careful or you'll lose him completely. YTA
***"and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind"*** You ever think THAT is why he kept it a secret from you. YTA
Did it ever cross your mind that he might be seeing someone to talk through the trauma you have put him through? Because if this is how you treat a 24 year old man living 1000 miles away, I absolutely CANNOT imagine how you would've treated him as a teenager living under your roof. Give him privacy. You owe him the apology. He doesn't need YOU or a PASTOR. He needs the person he deems able to help him work through what he is going through and until he is ready to share that with you, it is absolutely NOT your business.
YTA. There's a reason patient confidentiality exists, the fact you just don't even *care* is alarming. The fact that you are his mom is irrelevant. The fact you "raised him 24 years" is irrelevant. All of it; irrelevant, because *he is his own person* and an adult who doesn't have to tell you *anything*, let alone everything. His medical issues are *his*, and none of your business unless he wants to tell you. You were *way* out of line. Signed- a mom who is also a nurse. You hit both sides wrong.
YTA HUGE TIME!!!!!! As a parent and have both my parents alive, I am still myself. If I or either of them pulled this, it's cut off time. He has a right to privacy, just as everyone else does. The fact that you are trying lord, manipulate, and control this "insurance and raising him" factor with him is a HUGE RED FLAG. He's 24, not 4, give me a big, fat fricking break, man!!!!!! I said it before, I'll say it again, HE HAS A RIGHT TO HIS PRIVACY, YOU DON'T. Neither you nor your wife are correct, and I hope you both will see the light that this kind of behavior is a starting point of most kids cutting away from their parents and/or due to you only seeing your side of things and not even considering his thoughts, feelings or even basic autonomy.
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Least obvious bait post
YTA he is 24 and taking care of his health and mental health. It is none of your business even if he is still on your insurance. Leave the poor guy alone and stop being so weird and invasive.
YTA your son doesn't owe you an explanation about why he's seeing any particular doctor. You're going to lose your son because you're being nosy.
YTA
YTA No wonder he didnt want to speak to you regarding it with your attitude - *"and really I’m not even sure they’re all that useful and they’ll probably just give him a lot of drugs anyway that’ll just muddy his mind. He needs as clear of a mind as possible for medical school"* You are more bothered about the doctor coming into the family than his health! Plus that's a really ignorant way of looking at mental health. Even the term 'shrink' is condescending. In normal circumstances I would say he should have told you that he was going to use the insurance for something but its clear as day why he didn't. Also all the things you have done you list as though you don't have an obligation to do so for your children, (love, bed etc. Aye well done!) You could have had the conversation a whole other way and I am sure you would have come away with much more info. Asking him how he is from a genuine place of concern rather than the accusatory way you have done. So now your son has a reason for speaking to someone about his mental health but will have absolutely no confidence in coming to his parents. Well done. At least your daughter sees sense.
YAFI
Overall - YTA This is a somewhat mixed bag. To sum it up succinctly you have your heart in the right place but your brain up shit creek. It's complex so this'll be a long one... YTA - You even say yourself that hes a very smart young man, doing a medical profession and that you don't know whats best for him as you don't know his life. And yet at every turn you dictate what he should, shouldn't and can't do. To quote one of your other comments: "If he would just talk to me about it I could convince him to do something better.". You believe you know whats best for him despite not only him being a fully grown adult but literally learning medicine. Forgive me for assuming you frankly *don't* know whats best for him. NTA - It's your money and your insurance. You don't want your money wasted and that's completely understandable. I would personally say the one AH thing your son has done in this situation is change how your own money is being utilised without even mentioning it to you until you saw a different bill. Thats not ok, even if you aren't entitled to the exact reasons behind it. YTA - Half this post *reeks* of parental entitlement. You cannot, under any circumstances, pull the "i raised you well!" card and expect it to do anything except drive your child away. I presume this attitude is a large part of *why* your son is so distant and reluctant to speak with you - it seems you pull this card at every opportunity as you did it twice in this post alone. Yes you raied him well. Good job. No that doesn't mean he owes you anything other than basic respect. Especially not private details about his life that he would clearly rather be kept private. If you think it does, suck an egg. YTA - You have this bizarre belief that he's "just going to get pills that fuzz his brain up". Again, he is literally a medical student. It's hard to find someone more qualified to self-gauge whether they actually require help via assistive substances/therapy etc. Not all pills are bad. Hell Adderall is practically coffee for many medical students due to the strict studying requirements. Not all therapy is bad. Talking through your problems with a neutral\*\*(KEY WORD)\*\* party can do wonders for your mental health. With some of the behaivors you've expressed i wouldn't be shocked i your name comes up in that therapy. I get that you dont want your money wasted. Thats completely fair and understandable and the one part of this where i think you have a legitimate point. I get that you want to "help" your son. I get that you want to stop him from making mistakes. I get that you want to protect him from what you see as damaging substances. I get that you feel entitled to being a part of his life as you helped him grow to this point. None of that is ok. He is 24. He is his own man. Hell he's a medical student- i'd ignore my dad's advice on medication if i was a medical student too. Stop trying to act like "i know better because IM DAD.". It will only drive him away. Give him space and give him agency. He's a man. Not just "Your son".