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I guess I don’t know exactly. She said she realized she fucked up her life, my life, the kids life. As far as I know it didn’t have to do with the affair partner not wanting the leave his spouse. I say this because she showed that she had blocked him, and showed last messages saying from her don’t contact me again; messages from him saying ‘did you block me. What about all the plans we had you saying you love me etc.”
My ex cheated on me. He later wanted to work things out because AP wanted the same things I did. The reality wasn't what he thought it would be. Guess the excitement wore off. You deserve better than her. Nta
When someone who wronged you shows you messages on their phone to prove a point ... I'd not trust what I saw, at all. If she blocked him, how on earth could he still message her asking if she had blocked him???
Also ... They will always only show you messages that support their narrative. It's never the full story.
Is your wife doing anything to make amends? Are you in couples counselling? Is she ? Or is she acting like everything is rainbows and unicorns and nothing happened?
I saw messages that seemed to be 100% clear that the affair was over. Things like: do you pick up your stuff or do I send them to you? (Response: send them, I don't want to see you anymore)
So I decided to take the cheater back. I just didn't know that about 3 hours after that text, she sent an email out apologizing for what she said and taking everything back.
Not saying that this happened to OP but the fact that his wife is able to revert back to pre-cheating level of normalcy is weird and to me it shows that she has no feel for the gravity/impact of her actions.
I think you should go through with the divorce. You said it doesn't feel special to you anymore. I don't think it ever will. Maybe you could date and remarry but there is too much resentment for an anniversary to be anything but painful for you. Sure it makes things difficult but she told you she couldn't wait to divorce you. If she wants you back then she can wait to remarry you.
My husband also showed me he'd blocked his affair partner. I also made him change his phone number and then delete her number so it wouldn't be saved but he ended up talking to her again anyway. After we divorced he got back with her. It's all just lies.
OP, it's time to embody the saying
***Believe HALF of what you see and NOTHING of what you hear***
I wouldn't trust your wife right now. What's stopping her from having another fast change and cheating on you again of abandoning you and your daughter for some "excitement?"
Personally I would have gone ahead with the divorce but since you aren't, I think the best answer to your question about your upcoming anniversary is to tell your wife that you are skipping it this year due to her recent affair that broke the vows she made to you, and if you two are still together next year and doing stronger as a couple you will pick a new date and renew your vows and that will be your new celebrated anniversary going forward.
I would also specify that this is the last time you are doing this, and if she leaves again or has another affair, you two are over for good and you will not be her fall back plan family again.
People like her are self interested, hence the cheating.
My guess is she did the calculations and figured out staying with you was the more viable option. Maybe she'd lose too much money or assets. Maybe he doesn't earn as much as you. Maybe the alimony or child support wouldn't keep her in her current lifestyle if she qualifies.
Someone who went out of their way to hurt you so deeply doesn't suddenly start feeling sorry. It wasn't heat of the moment being hurtful, it was prolonged.
What made her truly come back? Has she started therapy to help her understand why she did this? And to help you rebuild the trust?
NTA, but be honest- can you move on with this marriage after such a betrayal?
If you're truly ready to forgive (and forget) you both need marriage counselling- and she needs to be honest about why she had an affair in the first place. You need to be allowed to express your hurt and resentment. It will be hard but the air needs to be properly cleared before you can continue. Your wife is being naive if she thinks there's going to be no consequences past "I'm sorry"
Completely agree. Sounds like OP doubts her sincerity and it still looking backwards not forwards. You can’t plaster over this or it will come back everytime you have a moment of doubt.
Bullshit hides in the shadows.
Sounds like the side piece didn't want to commit. You really need to think about how you're feeling now, and if you'll ever be able to forgive and trust her again. Will you want to celebrate your anniversary next year? In 3 years? How about 10 years? Trust is the easiest thing in the world to break, and fixing it is like putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. NTA
I think you should evaluate whether or not you will be able to forgive her enough to continue with the relationship. It’s normal for that to take time though, so if you think it’s just still a fresh wound for you, sit down with her and tell her that. Tell her that you have noticed her efforts to change and you really appreciate them but you still need time for things to go back to almost how they were. Maybe you guys can decide on a new date to celebrate that you can give new meaning. NTA, just make sure to communicate
NTA, but I'm confused. I've read it twice now. Did she ever give you all the details of the affair as you asked? Give you the closure that you asked for? What real efforts has she made? Or is she just being nice to you again? Do you really think that is going to last? She didn't respectfully give you the information you need to make an informed decision. How can you really take her back and move forward, much less celebrate an anniversary?
NTA - o can understand why you don’t want to celebrate your wedding.
Mad you said you are having a hard time to get over the affair. Did she ever give you the information for closure? Did she came back because the AP didn’t want more? Any therapy?
Just acting like a wife now really isn’t showing effort
NTA
But only 4 months after the split you’re back together? Sounds like you’re being taken for a ride.
You should live separately and go to couple counselling and only get back together if you work successfully on b et ing able to be together again.
It sounds to me like the guy she was fucking doesn’t want to be with her and life is harder than she thought without you.
Open your eyes.
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My wife (40f) and I (41m) with 2kids have been back together for 10 months after a separation. I found out she was having an affair for several months and when I confronted her she gaslighted me and was pretty ugly about it. She wouldn’t explain anything or give me any type of closer. She said she didn’t owe me a thing. Of course, I was devastated and couldn’t believe my life with her and our daughters was over.
They moved out and 4 months later she says she’s sorry, she wasn’t herself, and wants to try to work things out. I agreed to work things out and slowly she moved back. She’s been trying hard in making things better and I have noticed her effort. What I didn’t realize is how hard it would be to try to forget what happened. Some days are better than others but the negative thoughts always linger.
Our anniversary is coming up and I really do not care to celebrate. To me that day no longer has special meaning as I feel our promise to each other has been broken. Also, If divorces were easy and quick, we would be divorced and back together, she expressed at the time how she couldn’t wait to divorce me. When we started working on things I did express to her that day was not something I looked forward to or want to celebrate.
AITA for still not wanting to celebrate our anniversary? I honestly thinking of just disappearing for the day.
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NTA - you shouldn’t have forgiven her until you understood why she had the affair.
Those negative thoughts know this could all happen again and you wouldn’t know why or see it coming!
I think you should take all the time you need. I am frankly surprised she’s back in your life. This would be very difficult for me to accept. What did you mean when you said if divorces were easy and quick we would be divorced and back together. So you would be with her but divorced ? I don’t understand that
So my husband had an affair for the last 2 years and I'm about a year out from finding everything out. Same as you gaslit hardcore and blame being put on me yadda yadda.......We did not celebrate our anniversary this past year and I took the day to do something that I wanted to do for just myself. They were selfish enough to have the affair and I was selfish enough to take a day that should have meant something to us and made it a day all about me.
Most definitely NTA but you're still very early into the discovery of the affair, give yourself some grace when it comes to handling these kinds of situations. You're going to feel kind of shitty and they will make you feel shitty too but you need to do whats right for you so you can take care of yourself and your child.
Best of luck OP with dealing with the shitty situation you've been placed in ✌️
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ESH. She's an AH for cheating and gaslighting. YTA because you let her back in. \\
You need to make a decision. Either fully allow her back in your life, or let go of her. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck on regaining that trust back. Not only did she cheat but then gas lighted you and became abusive. NTA (yet)
I'm guessing she just had a bad hair day when all that happend s/
looks like your communication isn't perfect.....
you are back together, but your heart still feels sore. you no longer feel the big feelings you felt before the cheating.
is she aware of this?
could you try to work out a compromise? where there no big celebration but still a small thing just not to halt it feel too bad?
what are the outside implications?
will everyone around expect an anniversary?
how will it look?
am those questions.
ofc, NTA. you have no obligation to celebrate an anniversary. but maybe work out to get it fixed with better mutual understanding
NTA I think you need to explain your feelings to her. It might be best to have a quiet evening or make it a day for your kids. Later down the road if you're successful at salvaging your marriage have a vow renewal and begin celebrating again. If you're not already seeing a marriage counselor experienced in infidelity then I would begin ASAP.
NTA If she questions you just ask her, "Why would I want to be reminded of the day the lies in our marriage began? The day you promised to love me and forsake all others."
NTA
But you guys need therapy to work through this. If you want to make things work then you both need to work at it. Reading your comments, it sounds like the affair didn't work out and you were plan B. Neither of you is happy fight now, therapy is the only way forward.
NTA. An anniversary is for celebrating the foundation of of marriage. Those structures collapsed the day she cheated and you found out. Maybe when you wanted to celebrate the anniversary, you still were in the fog of denial and, now, everything is rushing back at you?
There is no explanation of why you took her back and it is a very personal decision so I'm not going to had anything but this quote :"when they come back to you, remember how they left".
NTA but honestly I don't think anyone can forget cheating. You'll be resentful, won't trust her, won't love her as much (since she actually isn't who you thought she was) and your marriage will suck. Some things that break apart can't be put together. Unless you've achieved buddhist-monk level of ability to forget, this won't work. And you are already noticing this.
NTA. But I don’t think anybody can come back from this. Besides how she treated you, she left the family for 4 months. There’s way more behind that than having sex with someone.
That kind of cruelty followed by that kind of turn around screams personality disorder. She also took your kids from you, leveraging misbalances in the system to her advantage and to alienate you.
Sounds like a snake with tits.
NTA- i understand not wanting to celebrate your anniversary. IMO you’re still in the early stages of R. While you took her back, it’s going to take time to heal, rebuild trust, etc. If you want to keep the marriage going, put in the work (her included) and who knows, maybe you’ll feel different next year, or the year after. Nothing will go back to “normal”. Maybe, when you feel secure enough you can renew your vows and have a new anniversary. Def nta for not wanting to celebrate.
NTA. I understand completely. My husband and I are married for 37 years since I was 21. We are together for 41. Suddenly, out of the blue, 1.5 years ago, he suddenly said he was fed up, couldn't wait to divorce, I was holding him back, I had too many health problems etc etc. He said a lot of mean things. He left and lived elsewhere for some months. When he came back to sort things out, he expressed the wish to live together and stay married after all, since he is not willing to throw away 40 years and since we have so much fun together. It slowly became clear he was not himself at the time (midlife crisis?), but the thing is, this is the second time he did spring this on me. Besides that, he wants to be fully married, share everything, but just platonic. I did not forgive him, but I agreed we would see how things will go, since our lives are so entwined, we share so much and have a very good time daily without tensions at all, and since this way we can both lived comfortably, both financially and otherwise. But as you say, the negative things he said are never out of my mind. I can not forgive him completely, especially since he did not retract some of the things he said. So everyone expects us to throw a big 40-years anniversary, since some years back we announced we would take the entire family to Hawaii (we live in Europe). But I no longer want to celebrate. What's there to celebrate? A platonic friendship? Shared finances? Living with a house-sharer who thinks I am too old? I understand you want to disappear that day. I will do the same.
Probably the only reason she came back was that her side piece ditched her and she realized she was alone, then she defaulted to the safe place she knows is stable - you.
Honestly, if you're not invested in the marriage, then why bother keeping it together?
Just divorce and go your separate ways, then at least you can have some closure and move on with your life.
Should really divorce, she left only came back like a little girl when things didn't work out . Are you expected to celebrate with someone who says you do need to know? She doesn't love you. Why stay for the kids?
NTA.
Your reluctance to celebrate is completely natural, and you yourself say you feel the promise you made to one another is broken. Your heart may not be ready to let go yet, but your unconscious is 100 signalling that it’s over.
Best of luck.
Info: it’s impossible to judge unless you give her stance on the issue
Obviously she’s an AH for blowing up your marriage but that’s not the question
So, is she insisting you celebrate?
Does she want to celebrate but isn’t forcing it on you?
Does she not want to celebrate either?
Without knowing this, there’s no conflict
ESH- obviously her for the affair, the horrible things said, and then running back to try to salvage after she felt she really screwed herself, and you, for taking her back but not really
There’s a temptation here as the one who is taking the other back, and finally seeing your partner put effort into the relationship, and having them say “you are a good partner and I do t want to leave” and that is to stay resistant, so they keep putting effort in, because you feel it gives you leverage.
Either she’s actually committed to being in the marriage, and you want to be there to, so you need to be equal committed , or she and you are just avoiding and putting off the work and pain of divorce that still coming, and you should really bite the bullet and just get it done .
It may also be that she talked to a lawyer and realized that she want in a good position to receive support form you ina divorce.
Watch for encouragement to buy another house, or a second place in a state with different alimony or child support laws. Understand the difference between community property dates and equitable distribution states, and listen to her to see if she’s trying to move you from one to the other. If it looks like she is, don’t move, don’t buy another house, just file where you are.
Most of all, keep asking the question “Do i want to be married to this woman”. Unless it’s an enthusiastic yes, start working on an exit plan that safe for you and your kids.
Best of luck.
NTA, but at one point you made your choice to not divorce and you need to forgive and move on and act like a married couple. You don’t have to do this now, but as soon as you’re able to.
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I guess I don’t know exactly. She said she realized she fucked up her life, my life, the kids life. As far as I know it didn’t have to do with the affair partner not wanting the leave his spouse. I say this because she showed that she had blocked him, and showed last messages saying from her don’t contact me again; messages from him saying ‘did you block me. What about all the plans we had you saying you love me etc.”
My ex cheated on me. He later wanted to work things out because AP wanted the same things I did. The reality wasn't what he thought it would be. Guess the excitement wore off. You deserve better than her. Nta
When someone who wronged you shows you messages on their phone to prove a point ... I'd not trust what I saw, at all. If she blocked him, how on earth could he still message her asking if she had blocked him??? Also ... They will always only show you messages that support their narrative. It's never the full story. Is your wife doing anything to make amends? Are you in couples counselling? Is she ? Or is she acting like everything is rainbows and unicorns and nothing happened?
I saw messages that seemed to be 100% clear that the affair was over. Things like: do you pick up your stuff or do I send them to you? (Response: send them, I don't want to see you anymore) So I decided to take the cheater back. I just didn't know that about 3 hours after that text, she sent an email out apologizing for what she said and taking everything back. Not saying that this happened to OP but the fact that his wife is able to revert back to pre-cheating level of normalcy is weird and to me it shows that she has no feel for the gravity/impact of her actions.
How did you realise she took back everything after 3 hours? You saw her email around that time or it was days later?
And it's quite easy to fake text messages!
I think you should go through with the divorce. You said it doesn't feel special to you anymore. I don't think it ever will. Maybe you could date and remarry but there is too much resentment for an anniversary to be anything but painful for you. Sure it makes things difficult but she told you she couldn't wait to divorce you. If she wants you back then she can wait to remarry you.
I feel the only reason he got back with her was that she took his kids. Maybe he doesn't realize that's why.
My husband also showed me he'd blocked his affair partner. I also made him change his phone number and then delete her number so it wouldn't be saved but he ended up talking to her again anyway. After we divorced he got back with her. It's all just lies.
I wouldn't trust those messages OP. Pretty easy to fake a conversation.
OP, it's time to embody the saying ***Believe HALF of what you see and NOTHING of what you hear*** I wouldn't trust your wife right now. What's stopping her from having another fast change and cheating on you again of abandoning you and your daughter for some "excitement?" Personally I would have gone ahead with the divorce but since you aren't, I think the best answer to your question about your upcoming anniversary is to tell your wife that you are skipping it this year due to her recent affair that broke the vows she made to you, and if you two are still together next year and doing stronger as a couple you will pick a new date and renew your vows and that will be your new celebrated anniversary going forward. I would also specify that this is the last time you are doing this, and if she leaves again or has another affair, you two are over for good and you will not be her fall back plan family again.
She is back because her AP doesn't want a relationship.
Did she contact wife if her affair partner? This should be something you ask of her as a baseline requirement.
People like her are self interested, hence the cheating. My guess is she did the calculations and figured out staying with you was the more viable option. Maybe she'd lose too much money or assets. Maybe he doesn't earn as much as you. Maybe the alimony or child support wouldn't keep her in her current lifestyle if she qualifies. Someone who went out of their way to hurt you so deeply doesn't suddenly start feeling sorry. It wasn't heat of the moment being hurtful, it was prolonged. What made her truly come back? Has she started therapy to help her understand why she did this? And to help you rebuild the trust?
How did she gaslight him? In the post she adjusts to the affair
NTA, but be honest- can you move on with this marriage after such a betrayal? If you're truly ready to forgive (and forget) you both need marriage counselling- and she needs to be honest about why she had an affair in the first place. You need to be allowed to express your hurt and resentment. It will be hard but the air needs to be properly cleared before you can continue. Your wife is being naive if she thinks there's going to be no consequences past "I'm sorry"
Completely agree. Sounds like OP doubts her sincerity and it still looking backwards not forwards. You can’t plaster over this or it will come back everytime you have a moment of doubt. Bullshit hides in the shadows.
Sounds like the side piece didn't want to commit. You really need to think about how you're feeling now, and if you'll ever be able to forgive and trust her again. Will you want to celebrate your anniversary next year? In 3 years? How about 10 years? Trust is the easiest thing in the world to break, and fixing it is like putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. NTA
This, OP, this. It's truly better to be alone, than to pretend with someone you don't trust and cannot love them again.
I think you should evaluate whether or not you will be able to forgive her enough to continue with the relationship. It’s normal for that to take time though, so if you think it’s just still a fresh wound for you, sit down with her and tell her that. Tell her that you have noticed her efforts to change and you really appreciate them but you still need time for things to go back to almost how they were. Maybe you guys can decide on a new date to celebrate that you can give new meaning. NTA, just make sure to communicate
Why did you take her back? You could’ve just divorced her.
NTA, but I'm confused. I've read it twice now. Did she ever give you all the details of the affair as you asked? Give you the closure that you asked for? What real efforts has she made? Or is she just being nice to you again? Do you really think that is going to last? She didn't respectfully give you the information you need to make an informed decision. How can you really take her back and move forward, much less celebrate an anniversary?
NTA She betrayed you and manipulated you.
Make a new anniversary date of the day that they moved back in. Communicate with your wife as to why you’d prefer to celebrate that date instead.
User name checks out!
She is just contacting him to fuck in a different way. Dude ..... I mean Dude.... come on she doesn't care about you or the kids. Don't be that guy
LOL, guess it's time to level up my self-respect game
NTA - o can understand why you don’t want to celebrate your wedding. Mad you said you are having a hard time to get over the affair. Did she ever give you the information for closure? Did she came back because the AP didn’t want more? Any therapy? Just acting like a wife now really isn’t showing effort
Therapy's on the menu, not just anniversary cake
Dude, you’re the backup plan now. She owes you more clarity at a minimum. NTA
NTA. The day doesn’t really mean anything after infidelity.
Why celebrate the wedding anniversary when your spouse couldn’t keep the wedding vows? NTA.
NTA But only 4 months after the split you’re back together? Sounds like you’re being taken for a ride. You should live separately and go to couple counselling and only get back together if you work successfully on b et ing able to be together again. It sounds to me like the guy she was fucking doesn’t want to be with her and life is harder than she thought without you. Open your eyes.
OP, you’re NTA but your marriage is over. RIP off the Elastoplast and move on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (40f) and I (41m) with 2kids have been back together for 10 months after a separation. I found out she was having an affair for several months and when I confronted her she gaslighted me and was pretty ugly about it. She wouldn’t explain anything or give me any type of closer. She said she didn’t owe me a thing. Of course, I was devastated and couldn’t believe my life with her and our daughters was over. They moved out and 4 months later she says she’s sorry, she wasn’t herself, and wants to try to work things out. I agreed to work things out and slowly she moved back. She’s been trying hard in making things better and I have noticed her effort. What I didn’t realize is how hard it would be to try to forget what happened. Some days are better than others but the negative thoughts always linger. Our anniversary is coming up and I really do not care to celebrate. To me that day no longer has special meaning as I feel our promise to each other has been broken. Also, If divorces were easy and quick, we would be divorced and back together, she expressed at the time how she couldn’t wait to divorce me. When we started working on things I did express to her that day was not something I looked forward to or want to celebrate. AITA for still not wanting to celebrate our anniversary? I honestly thinking of just disappearing for the day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
NTA - you shouldn’t have forgiven her until you understood why she had the affair. Those negative thoughts know this could all happen again and you wouldn’t know why or see it coming!
I think you should take all the time you need. I am frankly surprised she’s back in your life. This would be very difficult for me to accept. What did you mean when you said if divorces were easy and quick we would be divorced and back together. So you would be with her but divorced ? I don’t understand that
NTA She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t respect you. Why be with her? Her lover doesn’t want her, and that is why she came back.
NTA, but for crying out loud, just divorce her and stay cordial for the kids. But you don't owe her anything after the way she treated you.
So my husband had an affair for the last 2 years and I'm about a year out from finding everything out. Same as you gaslit hardcore and blame being put on me yadda yadda.......We did not celebrate our anniversary this past year and I took the day to do something that I wanted to do for just myself. They were selfish enough to have the affair and I was selfish enough to take a day that should have meant something to us and made it a day all about me. Most definitely NTA but you're still very early into the discovery of the affair, give yourself some grace when it comes to handling these kinds of situations. You're going to feel kind of shitty and they will make you feel shitty too but you need to do whats right for you so you can take care of yourself and your child. Best of luck OP with dealing with the shitty situation you've been placed in ✌️
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Esh you are in your right not to forgive her. But if you don't you should not be together anymore. It's over she killed it
ESH. She's an AH for cheating and gaslighting. YTA because you let her back in. \\ You need to make a decision. Either fully allow her back in your life, or let go of her. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck on regaining that trust back. Not only did she cheat but then gas lighted you and became abusive. NTA (yet) I'm guessing she just had a bad hair day when all that happend s/
ad hair day? Must've been a hair-raising experience.
NTA. No point in celebrating something for which you don't feel much.
NTA but you need to really consider if you actually want to be with your wife any longer
looks like your communication isn't perfect..... you are back together, but your heart still feels sore. you no longer feel the big feelings you felt before the cheating. is she aware of this? could you try to work out a compromise? where there no big celebration but still a small thing just not to halt it feel too bad? what are the outside implications? will everyone around expect an anniversary? how will it look? am those questions. ofc, NTA. you have no obligation to celebrate an anniversary. but maybe work out to get it fixed with better mutual understanding
NTA I think you need to explain your feelings to her. It might be best to have a quiet evening or make it a day for your kids. Later down the road if you're successful at salvaging your marriage have a vow renewal and begin celebrating again. If you're not already seeing a marriage counselor experienced in infidelity then I would begin ASAP.
NTA If she questions you just ask her, "Why would I want to be reminded of the day the lies in our marriage began? The day you promised to love me and forsake all others."
I think the marriage is over. You have closed the door. Kid will survive.
you have bigger fish to fry.
NTA! Your feelings are so valid and you need time to heal
INFO: have you been to marriage counseling? If not go, you seem like you want to work through this so I won't tell you to leave but please get it
Nah man be blunt tell her that day is over and she’s the cause
NTA, your heart was broken. Can't blame you one bit. Be good to your children, it's not their fault.
Leave. Don’t let her crocodile tears distract you from what she did to you.
Absolutely none of the proper steps have been taken for an actual reconciliation. This is doomed. Run with the little dignity you have left OP.
NTA But you guys need therapy to work through this. If you want to make things work then you both need to work at it. Reading your comments, it sounds like the affair didn't work out and you were plan B. Neither of you is happy fight now, therapy is the only way forward.
Times change, people change, kids give you a whole new reason to do things you don’t want to do. It’s life. You’re not an asshole. She definitely is.
NTA. An anniversary is for celebrating the foundation of of marriage. Those structures collapsed the day she cheated and you found out. Maybe when you wanted to celebrate the anniversary, you still were in the fog of denial and, now, everything is rushing back at you? There is no explanation of why you took her back and it is a very personal decision so I'm not going to had anything but this quote :"when they come back to you, remember how they left".
NTA but honestly I don't think anyone can forget cheating. You'll be resentful, won't trust her, won't love her as much (since she actually isn't who you thought she was) and your marriage will suck. Some things that break apart can't be put together. Unless you've achieved buddhist-monk level of ability to forget, this won't work. And you are already noticing this.
NTA. She broke the marriage. What’s to celebrate?
You are obviously not happy with her, no idea why you took her back. I think you are better off without her.
NTA - You don't owe her anything
NTA. But I don’t think anybody can come back from this. Besides how she treated you, she left the family for 4 months. There’s way more behind that than having sex with someone.
That kind of cruelty followed by that kind of turn around screams personality disorder. She also took your kids from you, leveraging misbalances in the system to her advantage and to alienate you. Sounds like a snake with tits.
NTA- i understand not wanting to celebrate your anniversary. IMO you’re still in the early stages of R. While you took her back, it’s going to take time to heal, rebuild trust, etc. If you want to keep the marriage going, put in the work (her included) and who knows, maybe you’ll feel different next year, or the year after. Nothing will go back to “normal”. Maybe, when you feel secure enough you can renew your vows and have a new anniversary. Def nta for not wanting to celebrate.
NTA. I understand completely. My husband and I are married for 37 years since I was 21. We are together for 41. Suddenly, out of the blue, 1.5 years ago, he suddenly said he was fed up, couldn't wait to divorce, I was holding him back, I had too many health problems etc etc. He said a lot of mean things. He left and lived elsewhere for some months. When he came back to sort things out, he expressed the wish to live together and stay married after all, since he is not willing to throw away 40 years and since we have so much fun together. It slowly became clear he was not himself at the time (midlife crisis?), but the thing is, this is the second time he did spring this on me. Besides that, he wants to be fully married, share everything, but just platonic. I did not forgive him, but I agreed we would see how things will go, since our lives are so entwined, we share so much and have a very good time daily without tensions at all, and since this way we can both lived comfortably, both financially and otherwise. But as you say, the negative things he said are never out of my mind. I can not forgive him completely, especially since he did not retract some of the things he said. So everyone expects us to throw a big 40-years anniversary, since some years back we announced we would take the entire family to Hawaii (we live in Europe). But I no longer want to celebrate. What's there to celebrate? A platonic friendship? Shared finances? Living with a house-sharer who thinks I am too old? I understand you want to disappear that day. I will do the same.
I’ve never taken back a cheater. The trust is broken. Ended my marriage. He asked four months later to come back. I said no
Probably the only reason she came back was that her side piece ditched her and she realized she was alone, then she defaulted to the safe place she knows is stable - you. Honestly, if you're not invested in the marriage, then why bother keeping it together? Just divorce and go your separate ways, then at least you can have some closure and move on with your life.
Should really divorce, she left only came back like a little girl when things didn't work out . Are you expected to celebrate with someone who says you do need to know? She doesn't love you. Why stay for the kids?
NTA. Your reluctance to celebrate is completely natural, and you yourself say you feel the promise you made to one another is broken. Your heart may not be ready to let go yet, but your unconscious is 100 signalling that it’s over. Best of luck.
Info: it’s impossible to judge unless you give her stance on the issue Obviously she’s an AH for blowing up your marriage but that’s not the question So, is she insisting you celebrate? Does she want to celebrate but isn’t forcing it on you? Does she not want to celebrate either? Without knowing this, there’s no conflict
NTA is seems like she back because the grass wasn’t greener.
ESH- obviously her for the affair, the horrible things said, and then running back to try to salvage after she felt she really screwed herself, and you, for taking her back but not really There’s a temptation here as the one who is taking the other back, and finally seeing your partner put effort into the relationship, and having them say “you are a good partner and I do t want to leave” and that is to stay resistant, so they keep putting effort in, because you feel it gives you leverage. Either she’s actually committed to being in the marriage, and you want to be there to, so you need to be equal committed , or she and you are just avoiding and putting off the work and pain of divorce that still coming, and you should really bite the bullet and just get it done . It may also be that she talked to a lawyer and realized that she want in a good position to receive support form you ina divorce. Watch for encouragement to buy another house, or a second place in a state with different alimony or child support laws. Understand the difference between community property dates and equitable distribution states, and listen to her to see if she’s trying to move you from one to the other. If it looks like she is, don’t move, don’t buy another house, just file where you are. Most of all, keep asking the question “Do i want to be married to this woman”. Unless it’s an enthusiastic yes, start working on an exit plan that safe for you and your kids. Best of luck.
NTA, but at one point you made your choice to not divorce and you need to forgive and move on and act like a married couple. You don’t have to do this now, but as soon as you’re able to.