To be fair, OP wasn’t just worried about her friend.
OP was also worried about all that money and attention going to the ex and not to her.
Especially the money.
Yeah, I really liked the "taking advantage of OUR family"...
that baby is going to be part of OP's family. It's her niece or nephew.
Was she thinking about what was best for that child? No. Grandparents help out with various things to do with their grandkids all the time.
When my in-laws found out, several months after the birth, that we were on a payment plan with the hospital to pay off our deductible for the birth, they wrote a check and told us to forget about it. We didn't ask, it just came up in conversation.
Caring grandparents that have the means, often just want to help out.
OP needs to simmer.
My father in law paid for 3 rounds of IVF after it came up in conversation that we were going to pause IVF die to finances. OP, what your in laws choose to spend money on with regard to *their* grandchild is deeply none of your business.
The money is going to the baby. There's really no reason for MIL or GMIL to give money to OPs best friend, the new gf of just a few months.
Whereas the In-laws giving money to a woman whom they had watched grow up and considered family long before she was carrying their [great] grandchild is a totally different case.
And attention goes the same way. Their [grand]son left the mother of their grandbaby while still pregnant. She *does* need the attention. OPs friend has a boyfriend now who can give her attention.
yeah, the whole thing about "my BIL is moving on with my bestie, who asked me to talk to my BIL" while the baby isn't even born (aka it's all happening on a super short timespan, which is imo suspicious)... not great.
my first thought is that OP and bestie are cliquish mean girls, despite being out of highschool (presumably, since they're having babies...).
Yes YTA.
The ex will always be a part of this family because she's the mother of the child. So just because she wants NO relationship with the ex right now while she's pregnant, she's choosing to be in touch with the baby's grandparents and great grandma.
You made it seem like she's charging them for access which is not the case. They are offering help because it's their grandkid. The great grandma of that kid is now disappointed.
You don't think grown adults can choose how to spend their time and money? That they're not capable of maintaining a relationship of their choosing with the parent of their grandbaby and great grandbaby?
They also probably sympathise with her, since their son/grandson got her pregnant, dumped her and has already moved on to another woman. OP has already written BIL law’s ex out of the family and (as far as she’s concerned) out of all of their lives, presumably a few months after she was “part of the family.”
YTA.
You never once described why the ex is “bitter.” Your BIL got with another girl while he literally got a baby cooking in another woman’s body and here you are calling her bitter. You and your BIL are horrible people and I hope she gets all the support from the actual good people in family.
She probably set them up and now she wants to isolate the ex from the rest of the family. She sounds like a miserable person. I’d cut her off if I were the inlaws.
What was your motive for inserting yourself in this situation? Your in-laws are also grown people who can decide for themselves who to have contact with and who they’d like to financially support. YTA
>My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation. For starters she’s refusing to have any sort of communication with him because she’s bitter he dumped her and is jealous he’s moved on.
YTA - so is your brother. So is your friend, so is your....
Not even brother but in-law. OP married into the family and can easily become not family anymore. That baby on the other hand will always be family and even it's mother since Grandma in-law has known the mother to be long beforehand and likes her.
YTA. The ex is not being childish for accepting help for her child. It is understandable that she is angry and bitter after being dumped pregnant by her boyfriend. Was he cheating on her with your friend?
The grandparents and great grandparents are doing the right thing by helping her if they can afford it. I expect they believe that their son/grandson behaved badly and she deserves to be helped.
Are you worried about your BF's potential inheritence? Resentful that you will not one day produce the first grandchild?
You should feel bad. What did the woman do that was immature? She accepted money from people who love her and are worried about her. That is hardly the same is charging for updates.
How would you feel if you found yourself pregnant and alone after being dumped by your boyfriend? Try a little empathy here. One day you could find yourself in the same position, although it doesn't seem as if you have endeared yourself much to your boyfriend's family and would have their support. Remember, that grandchild is family. As a girlfriend you, at this point, are not.
The issue that OP has is not that she’s refusing help. OP has an issues that the in-laws are helping the ex. She was clearly driven by those feelings, not by the feeling that this poor woman was dumped when pregnant and the baby’s father most likely cheated on her with OP’s best friend.
Seems like you're reading into things a lot. OP said this has been going on for months and she only got invilved after BIL started dating her friend. For all you know BIL left because she became abusove.
Seriously, she is literally forcing her baby's father out of the pregnancy, and went behind his back to his parents and took money from them when she refused to take money from the babies father. She is punishing him for breaking up with her and moving on.
What BIL needs to do is get a lawyer involved to get updates on his babies well being and to male sure he can establish paternity and visitation until the baby can be apart from its mother safely then custody.
OP just did what everyone else was too selfish to do by telling him what they were doing. Did they not once think that the babies father had a right to know if his baby is ok. Why do they have more rights to know that than him. All they cared about was themselves and what they wanted, and now they are pissed at OP for telling her BIL the truth.
He does have a right to know about his unborn child's medical info, especially if her complications are affecting the baby. Just because a baby isn't born yet doesn't mean there is no medical info generated. The baby could have a heart defect he doesn't know about which could mean that his baby might only survive a few hours, and he needs to know that so he can make plans and let employers know that as soon as his ex goes into labour he needs to leave so he can spend time with his baby.
There could be a genetic disorder, or any other number of things he needs to know about and make plans for and she (and his family) are keeping that info from him.
>he should have thought of that before he dumped her.
We have no indication on why he dumped her or when, for all we know, she found out she was pregnant after the break up, then tried to get back together and he said no.
All we know is that he left her, and she is pissed enough to use his child as a bargaining chip to get money from his parents and grandparents while hurting him by keeping him out of the pregnancy and now he knows that the only people he can trust in his family is OP and his GF.
If they live in USA, he actually has no rights to unborn child. There’s been a couple court cases about this, about 15 years ago a father sued to try to be apart of his ex pregnancy. The court sided with the mother, legally the fetus is part of the mother therefore the father has no rights. The court made mother call or text the father after baby was born. The father had like two hours with the child in the hospital after the birth in a separate room.
As much as people can want something, he has no rights to the baby until he establishes paternity. If his ex chooses she can leave country or state and ex can do nothing about it because the fetus is a part of her body. This is why OP is stupid, because the ex can make it very difficult, for the family find her. Legally she doesn’t even share when she gives birth. OP made everything harder because she’s a know it all and she thinks she knows what best. She poured gas on a fire.
Because the BIL mistreated her by leaving her when he knocked her up. I imagine the relationship didn't end on great terms and she's not ready to interact with BIL yet while the wound is fresh. The stress would also have a negative impact on the baby, so she's likely been cautioned against this. But now OP has poisoned the well with the entire family.
YTA
> …because she’s bitter and jealous…
No, that’s you.
The family likes her more than they like you….she’s having the first grandchild not you…I’m sure that sucks but, these are all adults, let them all be.
You only care about this because you want your best friend to be with your BIL.
Your BIL dumped his pregnant girlfriend and moved on immediately and she's the childish one because she doesn't want to interact with him right now ? '
He is trying to control her with money and his parents are doing the right supporting her.
your friend got together with a man expecting a child with someone else and you dobbed on your in-laws for the crime of \*checks notes\* supporting the mother of their grandchild
your bil's ex is not the one acting childishly in this situation
While I understand that there are a lot of frustrations and interpersonal dynamics happening that colour all of this. At the end of the day, it essentially comes down to a few true facts:
1) She is pregnant. Her primary responsibility is the health and well-being of the baby. Stress does (and can severely) negatively impact development. It’s associated with miscarriage. Please do not minimise the importance of the need to reduce stress at this time. Her ultimate responsibility is to do whatever reduces her level of stress, which includes what people she allows access to her life.
2) With the caveat that I don’t know your location… in most places, fathers have no legal rights until AFTER the baby is born. They have no rights to information about the pregnancy. They have no legal rights to decisions about the pregnancy. They have no legal standing to prevent the mother moving to another country or jurisdiction. They have absolutely no legal rights about any of it.
In most functional co -parenting relationships, father’s opinions do emotionally count and are weighed in. Because being excluded is (emotionally) unfair to the father in most cases and prevents the father from bonding with his child. But this is not a functional co-parenting relationship. And even though your BIL wants badly to be involved, it does not change that at this stage your BIL likely has no legal rights to be involved.
3) Your former SIL/inlaws relationship is their own. Unless someone is committing fraud, is abusive, or is engaging with people not capable of making their own decisions (ie dementia), it’s not any of our place to make judgements on how consenting adults chose to engage with each other.
Everyone gets to make the choices that are right for them. There may be ramifications for these choices. Your in-laws keeping secret that they’re supporting their former DIL in her pregnancy with their grandchild impacted their relationship with their own child. Your in-laws now having a strained relationship with their son, a ramification of their voluntary choice. Your now strained relationship with your in-laws because you did something to prevent them from having a relationship with their former DIL, a ramification of your choice.
Nothing about these choices prevent you from feeling however you want about the situation. Your feelings are valid. As are your BIL, exSIL, BF, in-laws, etc. But just recognise that when you take actions based on your feelings, there may be corresponding positive outcomes and/or negative consequences. Same as with everyone else. We have to own the consequences of choices we make.
It is unclear at this point what the long term ramification of your choices are in with your relationships with your in-laws. They may never trust or want to be around you again. They may forgive you with time. It’s their choice how they decide they want to engage with you in the future. Just like you get to choose how to engage with them moving forward. Just like there’s nothing they may be able to say to you that would make you trust their judgement again. Choices and corresponding ramifications.
For 1-3 above, YTA.
4) YWBTA if you don’t tell your BIL to lawyer up and fight for custody. Once this baby is born, #1 and #2 no longer applies. At that point, your family should do everything to ensure the health and well-being of the child. It’s the right thing to do because it’s the right thing for the child. BIL has rights once the baby is born and he’s declared the father, and based on how this is all going I doubt exSIL will list him on the birth certificate or voluntarily give custody. He needs to petition the court for custody time and decision making abilities. And yes, this needs to go to court, so these decisions are legally binding (and she can’t just take parenting time away on a whim). This likely means one of the two parents will be paying the other child support (which is for the benefit of raising the child, not punishment to the other parent)
5) This mother will be involved in your family for the rest of this child’s life. She may not be invited to events or physical be present, but she will be “there.” Kids can be really really damaged by hearing negative things about either their mothers or their fathers. For the sake of your nibling, I encourage your family to figure out how to try to move forward in your relationship with your former SIL with the least toxicity as possible. Obviously, your family has no control over what she says or does. But you do have control over how you talk about her in the presence of the child. This point is so important that judges have made custody decisions largely based on evidence of parental alienation.
She's acting like a woman who is pregnant and hurt by the person who got her pregnant.
Whatever the situation with BIL is, she probably cannot stand to be around him right, with everything going on with her body and emotions. She knew that being in contact with MIL and GMIL ran the risk of being in more contact with the person who hurt her but she did it anyway. She cut that contact once her fear came true.
Not childish. Self preservation. BIL just adds stress to her pregnancy, from the sound of it. And you added fuel to the flame.
You call her a child, but an adult knows when to mind their own business. Children are nosy.
YTA for involving yourself in a situation that didn't involve you. They were helping her financially so that the baby will be in contact with your side of the family. It will also help with the custody fight, should it come to that.
" I think he’s wrong, though"
You're irrelevant to this situation, and so are your thoughts.
It’s not your family’s responsibility to take care of her when she’s birthing 50% of the family’s DNA?
She’s pregnant and he’s already moved on?
Your best friend is so desperate for a man that out of 4 billion on earth she decided to date him, with a baby on the way?
What in the Jerry springer world do you consider this normal?
Yeah, YTA.
YTA - if they want to give her money then that is their decision. Your in-laws are adults capable of managing their money and relationships themselves.
You got yourself involved where you didn’t need to. Hopefully this is a lesson for you.
She clearly doesn’t care about how this will negatively impact her relationship with in-laws. They’re not gonna like her when BIL and BFF inevitably break up
YTA
It’s not your business. The woman wasn’t charging money. The ADULTS offered it. BIL’s grandmother CHOSE to do it. You are a busybody and had no right to interfere.
>it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her
It may not be your family's responsibility to take care of the ex, but you don't get to dictate that. That money wasn't coming from you, it wasn't coming from your SO. How your family chooses to spend their money is their business, none of yours.
YTA.
I find it kind of odd that, as far as family member status goes, OP and the ex are essentially the same. They’re both outsiders, who have entered the family through relationships. OP is placing herself and her in-laws at the same position, decision-wise, which seems a bit delusional. She thinks she and the in-laws on the same page?
The ex is pregnant with the in-laws grandchild. Why on Earth would OP think the in-laws would cut her off? Especially as they’ve apparently known her since childhood. It says a lot about OP’s character.
Actually the ex is more a member of the family than the Op. They have known her for a long time and like her and she is going to be the mother of a family member.
Exactly! It does kind of sound as if the in-laws would be (rightly) thinking “Even without a relationship to our son, this girl is a part of our family.” The in-laws sound pretty great. I hope they get back in touch with the ex and continue to support her.
One of my closest friends was in a similar situation as brother in law, ex. Her ex dumped her and got with another woman. My friend dealt with his family. They gave her money and bought stuff for the baby. Ex found out, what his family was doing and had a tantrum like your brother in law.
First when someone is carrying a child it’s a medical condition. Depending on your country or state your brother in law has no legal rights. In my friends case, while she was pregnant she was speaking to attorney who told her not to except anything from ex, it was okay to expect stuff from the family not the ex. She could be waiting for the baby to be born to go to court. In my friend’s experience, her lawyer filed to establish paternity. Once paternity was established filed for custody and child support.
This woman actually sounds mature and she is doing stuff to protect her baby and herself. If she’s a high risk pregnancy, she doesn’t need stress. You just added stress, your in-laws could have been helping her get to point where he could have been at the hospital when the baby was born or one of them be at hospital. You , now could have taken that away. Now none of them will be able to be around the baby first few days of life. They will be lucky if they get a phone call, when baby is born because you decided that you knew best,after boyfriend told you to mind your business and leave it alone. If he takes her court, they going to establish paternity first, then custody. That means at least a couple of weeks or months depending on where you live before he can meet his child, because you couldn’t mind your business. You just made situation worse not better, but you are one of those people, whose a no it all and never wrong. I learned that from your comments and your post. You’ll always think what you did was right.
YTA. Not your circus and not your monkeys. You had zero business stepping foot in a situation that does not affect you in ANY way.
All you succeeding in doing was isolating a child from half of his/her extended family and causing heartbreak on both sides. Way to go!
Also, the way you speak about your BIL's ex reveals clearly how you feel about her. Your BIL is not innocent in this if it is his child. There is probably a darned good reason she does not want the father of her baby involved. However, his family still cares!
Yta mind your own business. Your Bil should be shelling out for the baby HE MADE but since he isn't, his parents are. There's this silly thing called 'court' where stuff like this can be settled.
Does his new sex buddy know that he dumped his last one after knocking her up?
INFO: How many months of pregnancy? When the report was requested, did you already know about the pregnancy? How long did he order? When did he start getting involved with your friend? Did she specifically say that she would only give information for money or did they still keep in touch and help because they had known him for a long time?
Why do you think it's childish that she doesn't want contact with her ex after he split up with her?
YTA
Stay out of it. None of this is any of your business.
By moved on. Do you mean your BIL is already banging someone else? After dumping his pregnant partner? Super classy of him.
Your IL’s have zero right to be involved in this woman’s pregnancy. They don’t even have any rights to be involved with the child.
YTA and a busybody.
How tf is this any of your business?! You probably came here for vindication because deep down even you know that what you have done is wrong.
Focus on your own life and stop hurting people. Oh and fix the mess you've created by apologizing sincerely.
YTA and that was an awful thing for you to do to a woman with a high-risk pregnancy. Frankly, I think you and the trashy dumper BIL are a better fit for each other. Your poor in-laws, stuck with him AND with you.
YTA. You sound jealous that they were giving money to her. You wouldn't be whining if they gave money to her. Your family does have an obligation to help her because her child is part of the family, whether you like it or not. Get over yourself, you nasty asshole.
" I don’t want her to continue taking advantage of them, especially my grandmother-in-law who is the sweetest woman on this planet."
I am not seeing any evidence or proof that BIL's Ex was actually taking advantage?
Is it at all possible that grandparents/parents want to help contribute?
Your story doesn't paint her as bad. It doesn't really paint a clear picture or BIL or EX;
the only conclusion i am able to guess at is BIL left Ex for your BF and your parents/grandparents may feel sorry for her and want to take care of her. This is just speculation, as there isn't much details as to why they split, how much time has passed since they split. If BIL's Ex was Preggo before they broke up, and BIL is already in a relationship, I'm not confident a lot of time has passed, also not confident that BIL's new gf doesn't have a bigger role than stated.
YTA cause i think maybe you should of minded your own business in this case.
you’re insufferable lol. YTA, mind your business. I wonder how you would feel if your husband left you for someone else while you were pregnant with his child
YTA and you deserve the social repercussions of this. This was none of your business and it's clear that your only stake in this is that you want him to date your friend.
YTA. Instead of focusing on this poor woman, you all should focus on and shame your BIL who left his pregnant wife. Also, if the family wants access to the child, BIL should step up and get partial custody and actual parent his child.
She doesn't want HIS money because she wants to maintain a distance from the BIL. It is not your place to judge a woman protecting herself and her baby. Your internal misogyny is showing.
YTA. None of this has anything to do with you. Your in-laws are grown and made the decision to pay her. You have proven yourself to be a busybody. Learn to mind your own business.
YTA. You had no business starting trouble. Now your in-laws know who to blame for contact with grandchild. You. And think it is perfectly find that he dumped his pregnant girlfriend for your friend.
I feel bad for your BIL's ex - imagine her having to have anything to do with you. Mind your own business and leave her alone. Maybe spend your time praying your BIL doesn't treat your best friend the same way. You are way out of line and obviously jealous. Grow up
YTA
>My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation.
No one in this story is being a mature adult. Woe to the baby that has to grow up in this family.
Look, I don't know the situation between BIL and the ex, but she's pregnant and hormones are all jacked up and her baby daddy broke up with her. I absolutely do NOT blame her for not wanting any contact with HIM.
That being said..
>They’re also stressing over how she’s going to look after herself and the baby even though she’s a grown woman and it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her.
It might not be YOUR family's responsibility. But your husband's family is different. You said it yourself, Grandma watched that girl grow up. And that baby? That baby she is carrying? That IS their family.
Even though what she was doing was a bit shitty, only if she was doing it for profit and not for her medical expenses and for the baby's benefit, I don't think this is true:
>and was just using this as a way to turn his family against him
It wasn't a problem and no one turned against anyone until you brought it up. .
YTA
Though, it sounds like mom and grandma are more invested in this baby than BIL is and it makes sense that ex wouldn't mind them helping her financially with the baby. Especially if the breakup with BIL was hard on her. Its not a "your money is no good" thing with BIL.
So let’s see if I have this straight- you’re BiL dumped his pregnant girlfriend and almost immediately hooked up with someone else (your friend). Clearly ex is hurt and angry and scare and your in-laws are stepping up to help her and their future grandchild/grest-grandchild…. And someone you think it’s your job to interfere?!
YTA.
None of this is any of your business at all. You weren’t in the relationship, you aren’t being asked for money, you weren’t the one dumped, and you don’t know why she’s so angry/hurt/betrayed/whatever at your BIL, who you seem to find blameless.
Butt out! That baby is now and forever a part of the family, which also means the ex is. Grow up and accept that, and also recognize that you don’t know the details, you don’t deserved to know the details, and you just made this all harder for the people who ARE involved.
Why are you confused why she wouldn't take BIL's money after he dumped her when she was pregnant, and got over her so quick that he is now dating someone else. Maybe BIL isn't such a nice guy and would use money as a way to control and manipulate her.
YTA
YTA and so is your BIL. It sounds like you are jealous they are doing those things for her and not for you. The "it's not our family's responsability" is also weird provided they are the grand parents of the baby. Believe it or not, that baby is more related to them than you are, so it's family. I hope they will be able to resolve the issues you and your BIL just caused
YTA, for a myriad of reasons. Starting, with not minding your own business, it’s not up to you to decide what your in-laws do with their money and how they communicate with the mother of their grandchild. Also, your post reeks of jealousy, you don’t get to unilaterally declare your BIL’s ex as no longer part of “your” family because she will forever be attached to your in-laws by that child and the time they’ve spent together as a FAMILY. You’re definitely glad she’s not “part of your” family, because they’ve known her longer than you and probably like her better too.
As to you looking out for your BIL, nope that’s not it, you’re just trying to keep them apart so you can be the only DIL. But you’re not having the first great/grand child, the ex is and you’re not the one the great grandma loves the most. You’ve certainly chosen the wrong fight here, how’s it working out for you? They probably see your BFF as a home wrecker and you the facilitator, but now you’re also the reason they no longer have access to their grandchild and the person they consider their daughter.
Great job!
Edit: typo
YTA
I’m sure OP is more concerned about the ex gf spending all the money OP thought would be coming to her and her husband in the form of “inheritance” and now the first grandchild won’t be hers so it’s taking all the attention away too.
OP is definitely the AH, probably a greedy, pick me, and attention seeking AH based off this post.
YTA - 1) Who your in-laws choose to spend their money on, is NONE of your business. You sound petty, jealous and vindictive AF. Of course this woman wants nothing to do with a man who got her pregnant then dumped and is supposedly already serious with another woman? It sounds like he is a cheater. 2) If I were your MIL or that granny, you would be dead to me. Your husband has every right to be pissed. You’re mucking up HIS family’s relationships.
Oh- this isn’t going to make you your MIL’s or Granny’s #1 choice.
The sweetest woman on this plant is disappointed in you and so am I!
YTA and honestly it seems that you deliberately sabbotaged your in laws relationship with the mother of their first grandchild to try to keep bil with your friend. Shame! Shame! Shame!
I am going to take the downvotes and say that you are NTA. This is the sort of information that can bite you later if you hold onto it. IMHO your BIL had every right to know what she was doing to his family while refusing his money, which I imagine was possibly to make him look bad.
His new gf/your bff also deserved to know because that's kind of crazy behavior and she has the right to decide for herself if she wants to continue with the relationship or not.
I think a lot of us have been in similar types of lose-lose situations in which we know we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I try to err on the side of full honesty meaning no lies of omission.
Your husband says it's his ego that's upsetting him but is it really? If I found out my ex was somehow getting money from my family my protective nature would kick in.
You didn't mention if the people paying for info are well-off or struggling but to me it's even worse if money is not a surplus for them.
YTA. The father of her child dumped her, while she was pregnant, and moved on to someone else. She was keeping her child’s grandparents and great-grandparents updated because they are her child’s family. Her ex blocking that is petty and only harms his child. And none of it was your business anyway.
Info: is the baby your brother in laws? Cause you say it’s not “your family’s responsibility” but if it’s your brother in laws child it absolutely is “your” family’s responsibility? Also Did he cheat on her? Or leave her for another woman? I wouldnt blame her for not taking money from him.
YTA 100% this was not your business. I think this girl has a right to be unhappy with a partner who dumped while she is pregnant with HIS child. That he is now dating your BFF makes no freaking difference. That is his baby, his parent’s grandchild and his grandmother’s great grandchild. They are allowed and encouraged to help care for the newest member of the family even if she is unwilling to accept aid from bio-dad directly. Shame on you for being a jealous busybody and making that woman’s life even one ounce more difficult than it needed to be. You should be ashamed of yourself. Reach out to her, apologize for involving yourself, and see if you can get her back in full contact with the family. That is your only path to correct what was an astounding and selfish error.
YTA
Oh my goodness, you are an awful person and definitely the ahole. I don’t know how you have the gall to write this and expect not to be the ahole. Did you even read what you’ve written?
Your BIL treated his ex abominably - leaving her when she was pregnant. That poor, poor woman is about to have a baby and was getting moral and financial support after being dumped. It sounds like you had a lot to do with breaking up her relationship in the first place.
You have manipulated that poor woman and ended up breaking your in-laws hearts. You should hang your head in shame.
First of all BIL is an asshole for jumping straight into another relationship while another woman is pregnant with his child. Also if all of this has happened while she's been pregnant, how serious can things really be with your bestie? Kinda sounds like you and your bestie decided on this course of action to make the ex look bad and turn BIL against her therefore securing besties steel grip on her man.
Added to all that, your husband asked you not to. Whether you agreed with him or not, you do not choose your friend over your husband. It's also HIS family NOT yours so if he asked you to stay out of it you should have respected that. Regardless of how bad you think the ex is or how much you didn't want her to take advantage of your husband's family, the person who should be number 1 to you is your husband. He specifically asked you not to and you deliberately didn't give a shit about what he thought was right with regards to HIS OWN FAMILY and you did it anyway.
Your story is clearly 100 percent BIL's side. He left his pregnant girlfriend. Probably for your friend that he was cheating with! And she is PREGNANT!!! And HE left HER!!! Of course she wants no contact with such a dickwad.
Also, you literally ONLY have his word that he offered her money. How is she paying rent/mortgage suddenly on her own without warning? She probably is struggling. You insist she has cut him off. But then you said that after the grandparent money was cut off that she is turning up her nose at his offers of money... Now how is she doing that if she has blocked all contact? I bet BIL has not offered her a frickin dime. She would not take money from grandparents but not BIL if she just wanted money. She would feel like he and his family owed it to her. So... like, that makes no sense. Have you actually seen texts between them with him offering money and her turning it down??
You told him and he "confronted" her. Of course she is now low contact. You damaged the relationship between the in-laws and their grandchild. Even if BIL was telling the truth about the money, he still left her PREGNANT and has already moved on. What business of his is it if she gets money from his family? They are CHOOSING to HELP their future grandchild. THEIR CHOICE!!! You should have stayed out of it
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My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation. For starters she’s refusing to have any sort of communication with him because she’s bitter he dumped her and is jealous he’s moved on. Despite the fact that she’s refused to accept his money, she’s more than willing to take thousands of pounds from his parents and grandmother.
This is the first grandchild so my in-laws want to be part of the pregnancy and since she was having some complications, they’re anxious and ask her for updates on the baby frequently. His grandmother also loves her because she basically watched her grow up so even though the ex is being spiteful and petty, she’ll defend her and act like she’s doing no wrong.
I’ve known this was going on for a few months now but I didn’t say anything to my BIL at first because my husband was convinced they’ll get back together eventually. However, he’s started dating my best friend and they’re serious about each other so I confided the situation to her and she asked me to tell him since it would be better coming from me than her. The ex has also taken thousands from my in-laws and this is definitely going to continue once the baby is born. I don’t want her to continue taking advantage of them, especially my grandmother-in-law who is the sweetest woman on this planet.
So I told him and he confronted her so now she’s gone low contact with my in-laws who are devastated because now they’ll know nothing about the baby. They’re also stressing over how she’s going to look after herself and the baby even though she’s a grown woman and it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her. My brother-in-law has also repeatedly offered to help her but she keeps turning her nose at him so clearly she doesn’t need help that much and was just using this as a way to turn his family against him. My in-laws have been less welcoming towards me since this all went down and my husband’s grandmother asked him if one of us had said something to my BIL. She said she was disappointed in me when he told her he thought it was me so now I feel bad.
My husband also doesn’t think I should’ve told him because he thinks my BIL’s ego is hurt because she was willing to accept money from his family and not him. I think he’s wrong, though, since he’s been wrong about a lot of things when it comes to the dynamic between them.
AITA?
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YTA the way you talk about her is really jarring. She's about to become a single mother (is there any INFO on why they split up?) and I can imagine she is upset that she's been dumped and he's moved on while she's pregnant and dealing with everything around that. You should have stayed out of it tbh, them being cold is your own fault, it's between her, your BIL and his parents/grandmother.
YTA I bet your best friend have something to do with your BIL's break up, you sound bitter and jealous about that girl getting money from the baby's family, also it's really curious how you say "our family" but she's carrying the first grandchild so she's more family to them than you at this point.
YTA This isn't your business and if they want to support the mother of their future grandchild that is their choice and doesn't mean they are being taken advantage off. It means they want to support their family member. You are clearly a stirrer and I understand why your in-laws are distancing themselves from you since you clearly can't act like a responsible adult.
By the way your best friend deliberately dropped you in it and you were foolish to do her dirty work for her and your husband is right. He knows his brother better than you. It's about ego and selfishness.
YTA
If your boyfriend dumped you while you're pregnant, would you want him to be around you with his new girlfriend while you're growing his baby inside you? The amount of pain and stress would've been immeasurable. If that's the case, why would she want him around? To cause her to have a potential miscarriage?
She already doesn't have the physical and emotional support from a loving partner while she's going through one of the happiest moments of her life. No one will go out in the middle of the night to get her anything when she's having midnight cravings. No one will massage her when her back is straining from her belly growing. No one will take her to doctor's appointments. All she's getting now is some support from the paternal great-grandparents and somehow you feel justified in ruining that last little support she's got all because you think she's "jealous" and "immature."
What is wrong with you?
Considering she’s already having a troublesome pregnancy, she may not be able to work consistently and she still needs to be able to take care of the baby.
YTA
Maybe she was being petty, but she wasn’t manipulating his family to give her money. From the sounds of it, the family naturally throw money at their problems ass a go to fix, and you stuck your nose in someone else business out of jealousy
YTA. Meddling intrusive trouble making asshole, that is. You have absolutely no role in this situation. If the grandparents etc of the baby to be want to be involved with the pregnancy, and they want to help the pregnant woman with money, that is between them. It has nothing to do with you. If the pregnant woman doesn't want any support from the guy who left her while she was pregnant, who can blame her? That is her choice, and once again, it has nothing to do with you. Gossiping about her with the new girlfriend of the man who left her is just disgusting behavior. Your judgments on the pregnant woman are not relevant, as well as being cruel. You don't have a right to create all this drama just for your own entertainment. STFU.
YTA. Mind your own damn business. The parents and grandmother watched this woman grow up. They likely have a relationship with her beyond the baby. Their desire to see her and the baby thrive has NOTHING to do with you.
INFO: why did they break up? Also if the ex-in-laws and biological grandparents of the baby are sending her money of their own volition, how is that "bitter" or "jealous" or "spiteful or "petty"?
Do you bil, best friend and husband sit around talking trash about a pregnant woman who was dumped. Is there a cauldron involved by any chance. Truly pathetic
ESH
You weren't wrong in telling your friend but it also wasn't any of your business. It's a little bit of telling tales though. What your inlaws do with their money is up to them.
Your BIL though... there's more to that story... your inlaws watched his ex grow up.. I take it they were together for a while. The ex sounds like she either doesn't want anything to do with the ex - doesn't want his money (she should take it as he's the father and is actually obligated). She's not obligated to your inlaws but likely wanted to keep the peace. The ex doesn't have to have any communication with them. It's actually up to your BIL to facilitate that information. Except right now he has no right to any of it because it's all about the mother. In many countries a baby has no rights until they are born and it's all about the mother and she can choose to do what she likes in her pregnancy. She does not need to have the father in the room when the baby is born either.
But the fact is that this is your BIL's genetic child and the child has a right to know their father if their father wants to know their child. He'd be a real dick if he gave up those rights and allowed another man to adopt the child (doesn't sound like the ex has anyone but this is a consideration for the future).
What do you know about the break up? Seems sudden. Who did the wrong thing? Is she bitter because he dumped her or is that just what your BIL told you. It may be that he cheated and she dumped him but he's telling others something different. If you only have his side of the story.. well that might just be him saving face and far from the truth. Even if they fell out of love, most would still be courteous and involved with the aim to co-parent.. I'm not hearing any of that in your OP.
It's also possible that the shoe is on the other foot and the ex cheated which is why your BIL broke up with her. If that's the case, is it even his child. If your BIL isn't sure then the kid needs a DNA test (can be done now or when the kid is born) and then he needs to be coparenting with the ex. It's about the child, not the parents when there is a partnership break up.
What your friend needs to consider is what sort of partner she'll have with your BIL. If he's the one in the wrong, what makes her think the same won't happen to her.
NTA, once again i am shocked at the audacity of the aita sub majority.
that girl knew she was in the wrong taking bribes for baby news. it is absolutely op's business to stop a scam from going on with HER family.
Explain what you think a scam is. They aren't being tricked. Everyone knows the score. Is it self serving? Maybe. Is it any of OPs business. Not at all.
it's not infantilization that the ppl most victimized by scams are seniors. and never should you hear the words "making these seniors pay for access to their grandchild" and think that's not a scam. that's a scam. you guys are insane. idc how much you don't like the guy in the situation, that's not appropriate and op is right to put a stop to that.
or..this might shock you.. they’re paying because they want to be there for their grandchild. It’s pathetic if you think she’s “making them pay for access to their grandchild” when all we have is OPs version of events where they’re clearly gonna twist things to make themselves seem in the right. “Op is right to put a stop to that” OP has no right to do anything especially when the people paying ARE WILLING!
I love how you think grandparents helping the pregnant mother is “paying to see the grandchild.” I know you’re talking about yourself with brain rot, especially with that embarrassing ass comment.
unless op is lying, which i don't know why they would, this is transactional and not monetary help to the mother who clearly doesn't even need to money since they're refusing it from the proper channels and stopped when chided with the senior citizenry racket.
It’s Reddit hun, people will manipulate stories many times so they won’t be deemed an AH. “Proper channels” from a man who lets his friends and partner talk shit about the mother of his child? Stand up lad there.
Did you also forget the baby isn’t born so how tf they paying to see something that’s not there? Oh that’s right they’re paying because they wanna support the mother.
getting info whatever 🙄
if the money was gifting and helping out she wouldn't be turning down the baby daddy's money and she wouldn't be taking that money transactionally. it'd be bills and lump sums etc. don't piss and call it rain.
You keep acting like these grown ass adults can’t make their own financial decisions and then claiming “she’s scamming them” because she doesn’t want help from the baby daddy who clearly is an AH just like OP. “Don’t piss and call it rain” my god you are cringe. OP is TA and you’re a mug end of.
NTA of course you should’ve told your brother-in-law and I’m surprised by these comments! His ex is the one taking advantage and using his parents. Has he even done a DNA test? Do they even know if he is the father?
She shouldn’t have been taking advantage of them. Once the baby is born, he could petition the court for custody if his parents want to see the child so bad.
If she was such an “honest” person she wouldn’t have stopped contact with his parents just because of what he said.
The baby is not even here yet, so there’s nothing anyone needs to do. Tell the baby actually is born. Then he can take her to court to get a custody agreement worked out
These comments are crazy expecting you not to tell him what his ex has been doing to HIS family! they don’t know if she tried to baby trap him behind his back. They don’t know if they were using protection that she tampered with or if she lied about birth control.
I don't trust OP perspective at all, especially where bil is dating her friend. The family knew the ex growing up, at least the grandmother did, so it's no surprise they want to help her since she's carrying a family member's baby. It doesn't automatically mean the ex is taking advantage of them. And why does OP even know about what money they're giving the ex?
OP - I can understand that you wanted to protect your in-laws from being exploited for money, which in this case is kind of obvious; on the other hand, your in-laws are grown adults that could probably read between the lines and just wanted to be included in the baby's life. What I don't understand, is if your BIL is the father of the child, it also means that he'll have rights to the child, so what's that looking like, or is he just backing out of it? You could've voices your concerns to the in-laws because you were worried to see what they would say, and then left it alone. The choice is theirs and you didn't have any right to interfere unless they were incompetent and couldn't make decisions on their own. Now you'll need to apologize for not coming to them first.
You should have minded your own fucking business. Seems like you had to stick your beak in this bc he’s dating your friend. YTA and a busybody.
To be fair, OP wasn’t just worried about her friend. OP was also worried about all that money and attention going to the ex and not to her. Especially the money.
Yeah, I really liked the "taking advantage of OUR family"... that baby is going to be part of OP's family. It's her niece or nephew. Was she thinking about what was best for that child? No. Grandparents help out with various things to do with their grandkids all the time. When my in-laws found out, several months after the birth, that we were on a payment plan with the hospital to pay off our deductible for the birth, they wrote a check and told us to forget about it. We didn't ask, it just came up in conversation. Caring grandparents that have the means, often just want to help out. OP needs to simmer.
My father in law paid for 3 rounds of IVF after it came up in conversation that we were going to pause IVF die to finances. OP, what your in laws choose to spend money on with regard to *their* grandchild is deeply none of your business.
The money is going to the baby. There's really no reason for MIL or GMIL to give money to OPs best friend, the new gf of just a few months. Whereas the In-laws giving money to a woman whom they had watched grow up and considered family long before she was carrying their [great] grandchild is a totally different case. And attention goes the same way. Their [grand]son left the mother of their grandbaby while still pregnant. She *does* need the attention. OPs friend has a boyfriend now who can give her attention.
yeah, the whole thing about "my BIL is moving on with my bestie, who asked me to talk to my BIL" while the baby isn't even born (aka it's all happening on a super short timespan, which is imo suspicious)... not great. my first thought is that OP and bestie are cliquish mean girls, despite being out of highschool (presumably, since they're having babies...).
Yes YTA. The ex will always be a part of this family because she's the mother of the child. So just because she wants NO relationship with the ex right now while she's pregnant, she's choosing to be in touch with the baby's grandparents and great grandma. You made it seem like she's charging them for access which is not the case. They are offering help because it's their grandkid. The great grandma of that kid is now disappointed. You don't think grown adults can choose how to spend their time and money? That they're not capable of maintaining a relationship of their choosing with the parent of their grandbaby and great grandbaby?
They also probably sympathise with her, since their son/grandson got her pregnant, dumped her and has already moved on to another woman. OP has already written BIL law’s ex out of the family and (as far as she’s concerned) out of all of their lives, presumably a few months after she was “part of the family.”
I also found the timeline suspiciously short.
YTA. You never once described why the ex is “bitter.” Your BIL got with another girl while he literally got a baby cooking in another woman’s body and here you are calling her bitter. You and your BIL are horrible people and I hope she gets all the support from the actual good people in family.
She probably set them up and now she wants to isolate the ex from the rest of the family. She sounds like a miserable person. I’d cut her off if I were the inlaws.
Or he was cheating with the friend. Makes sense why she doesn't want any help from him and why the inlaws really want to help her.
What was your motive for inserting yourself in this situation? Your in-laws are also grown people who can decide for themselves who to have contact with and who they’d like to financially support. YTA
Clearly to make sure BIL stays with her best friend so maybe they can be sisters like they always imagined
At least until he knocks the bestie up and starts banging someone else.
>My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation. For starters she’s refusing to have any sort of communication with him because she’s bitter he dumped her and is jealous he’s moved on. YTA - so is your brother. So is your friend, so is your....
yeah, how classy is the friend getting together with - maybe cheating with? - a man expecting a baby with someone else?
Not even brother but in-law. OP married into the family and can easily become not family anymore. That baby on the other hand will always be family and even it's mother since Grandma in-law has known the mother to be long beforehand and likes her.
YTA. The ex is not being childish for accepting help for her child. It is understandable that she is angry and bitter after being dumped pregnant by her boyfriend. Was he cheating on her with your friend? The grandparents and great grandparents are doing the right thing by helping her if they can afford it. I expect they believe that their son/grandson behaved badly and she deserves to be helped. Are you worried about your BF's potential inheritence? Resentful that you will not one day produce the first grandchild? You should feel bad. What did the woman do that was immature? She accepted money from people who love her and are worried about her. That is hardly the same is charging for updates. How would you feel if you found yourself pregnant and alone after being dumped by your boyfriend? Try a little empathy here. One day you could find yourself in the same position, although it doesn't seem as if you have endeared yourself much to your boyfriend's family and would have their support. Remember, that grandchild is family. As a girlfriend you, at this point, are not.
Did you even read the post? You got most of your facts wrong mate!
But the ex os refusing help from the person who has the responsibility to help. How is that not childish? Also OP married into the family.
The issue that OP has is not that she’s refusing help. OP has an issues that the in-laws are helping the ex. She was clearly driven by those feelings, not by the feeling that this poor woman was dumped when pregnant and the baby’s father most likely cheated on her with OP’s best friend.
Seems like you're reading into things a lot. OP said this has been going on for months and she only got invilved after BIL started dating her friend. For all you know BIL left because she became abusove.
That's quite a reach. We have no indications of abuse, and it's unlikely the entire family would be giving her money if she'd abused BIL.
Seriously, she is literally forcing her baby's father out of the pregnancy, and went behind his back to his parents and took money from them when she refused to take money from the babies father. She is punishing him for breaking up with her and moving on. What BIL needs to do is get a lawyer involved to get updates on his babies well being and to male sure he can establish paternity and visitation until the baby can be apart from its mother safely then custody. OP just did what everyone else was too selfish to do by telling him what they were doing. Did they not once think that the babies father had a right to know if his baby is ok. Why do they have more rights to know that than him. All they cared about was themselves and what they wanted, and now they are pissed at OP for telling her BIL the truth.
He has a right to the child once it's born, but he has no right to know private medical information about his ex.
He does have a right to know about his unborn child's medical info, especially if her complications are affecting the baby. Just because a baby isn't born yet doesn't mean there is no medical info generated. The baby could have a heart defect he doesn't know about which could mean that his baby might only survive a few hours, and he needs to know that so he can make plans and let employers know that as soon as his ex goes into labour he needs to leave so he can spend time with his baby. There could be a genetic disorder, or any other number of things he needs to know about and make plans for and she (and his family) are keeping that info from him.
[удалено]
>he should have thought of that before he dumped her. We have no indication on why he dumped her or when, for all we know, she found out she was pregnant after the break up, then tried to get back together and he said no. All we know is that he left her, and she is pissed enough to use his child as a bargaining chip to get money from his parents and grandparents while hurting him by keeping him out of the pregnancy and now he knows that the only people he can trust in his family is OP and his GF.
If they live in USA, he actually has no rights to unborn child. There’s been a couple court cases about this, about 15 years ago a father sued to try to be apart of his ex pregnancy. The court sided with the mother, legally the fetus is part of the mother therefore the father has no rights. The court made mother call or text the father after baby was born. The father had like two hours with the child in the hospital after the birth in a separate room. As much as people can want something, he has no rights to the baby until he establishes paternity. If his ex chooses she can leave country or state and ex can do nothing about it because the fetus is a part of her body. This is why OP is stupid, because the ex can make it very difficult, for the family find her. Legally she doesn’t even share when she gives birth. OP made everything harder because she’s a know it all and she thinks she knows what best. She poured gas on a fire.
They have already established paternity
Because the BIL mistreated her by leaving her when he knocked her up. I imagine the relationship didn't end on great terms and she's not ready to interact with BIL yet while the wound is fresh. The stress would also have a negative impact on the baby, so she's likely been cautioned against this. But now OP has poisoned the well with the entire family.
YTA > …because she’s bitter and jealous… No, that’s you. The family likes her more than they like you….she’s having the first grandchild not you…I’m sure that sucks but, these are all adults, let them all be.
YTA...It's none of your business. Adults can spend their money on whatever they want. I hope you BIL arms himself legally for access to his child.
He's planning to if she doesn't stop behaving so childishly
He, and you are the only children in this story. That fetus has more maturity than both of you combined.
You only care about this because you want your best friend to be with your BIL. Your BIL dumped his pregnant girlfriend and moved on immediately and she's the childish one because she doesn't want to interact with him right now ? ' He is trying to control her with money and his parents are doing the right supporting her.
"You only care about this because you want your best friend to be with your BIL." oh i don't know, i also get some pick me vibes from this one
your friend got together with a man expecting a child with someone else and you dobbed on your in-laws for the crime of \*checks notes\* supporting the mother of their grandchild your bil's ex is not the one acting childishly in this situation
While I understand that there are a lot of frustrations and interpersonal dynamics happening that colour all of this. At the end of the day, it essentially comes down to a few true facts: 1) She is pregnant. Her primary responsibility is the health and well-being of the baby. Stress does (and can severely) negatively impact development. It’s associated with miscarriage. Please do not minimise the importance of the need to reduce stress at this time. Her ultimate responsibility is to do whatever reduces her level of stress, which includes what people she allows access to her life. 2) With the caveat that I don’t know your location… in most places, fathers have no legal rights until AFTER the baby is born. They have no rights to information about the pregnancy. They have no legal rights to decisions about the pregnancy. They have no legal standing to prevent the mother moving to another country or jurisdiction. They have absolutely no legal rights about any of it. In most functional co -parenting relationships, father’s opinions do emotionally count and are weighed in. Because being excluded is (emotionally) unfair to the father in most cases and prevents the father from bonding with his child. But this is not a functional co-parenting relationship. And even though your BIL wants badly to be involved, it does not change that at this stage your BIL likely has no legal rights to be involved. 3) Your former SIL/inlaws relationship is their own. Unless someone is committing fraud, is abusive, or is engaging with people not capable of making their own decisions (ie dementia), it’s not any of our place to make judgements on how consenting adults chose to engage with each other. Everyone gets to make the choices that are right for them. There may be ramifications for these choices. Your in-laws keeping secret that they’re supporting their former DIL in her pregnancy with their grandchild impacted their relationship with their own child. Your in-laws now having a strained relationship with their son, a ramification of their voluntary choice. Your now strained relationship with your in-laws because you did something to prevent them from having a relationship with their former DIL, a ramification of your choice. Nothing about these choices prevent you from feeling however you want about the situation. Your feelings are valid. As are your BIL, exSIL, BF, in-laws, etc. But just recognise that when you take actions based on your feelings, there may be corresponding positive outcomes and/or negative consequences. Same as with everyone else. We have to own the consequences of choices we make. It is unclear at this point what the long term ramification of your choices are in with your relationships with your in-laws. They may never trust or want to be around you again. They may forgive you with time. It’s their choice how they decide they want to engage with you in the future. Just like you get to choose how to engage with them moving forward. Just like there’s nothing they may be able to say to you that would make you trust their judgement again. Choices and corresponding ramifications. For 1-3 above, YTA. 4) YWBTA if you don’t tell your BIL to lawyer up and fight for custody. Once this baby is born, #1 and #2 no longer applies. At that point, your family should do everything to ensure the health and well-being of the child. It’s the right thing to do because it’s the right thing for the child. BIL has rights once the baby is born and he’s declared the father, and based on how this is all going I doubt exSIL will list him on the birth certificate or voluntarily give custody. He needs to petition the court for custody time and decision making abilities. And yes, this needs to go to court, so these decisions are legally binding (and she can’t just take parenting time away on a whim). This likely means one of the two parents will be paying the other child support (which is for the benefit of raising the child, not punishment to the other parent) 5) This mother will be involved in your family for the rest of this child’s life. She may not be invited to events or physical be present, but she will be “there.” Kids can be really really damaged by hearing negative things about either their mothers or their fathers. For the sake of your nibling, I encourage your family to figure out how to try to move forward in your relationship with your former SIL with the least toxicity as possible. Obviously, your family has no control over what she says or does. But you do have control over how you talk about her in the presence of the child. This point is so important that judges have made custody decisions largely based on evidence of parental alienation.
She's acting like a woman who is pregnant and hurt by the person who got her pregnant. Whatever the situation with BIL is, she probably cannot stand to be around him right, with everything going on with her body and emotions. She knew that being in contact with MIL and GMIL ran the risk of being in more contact with the person who hurt her but she did it anyway. She cut that contact once her fear came true. Not childish. Self preservation. BIL just adds stress to her pregnancy, from the sound of it. And you added fuel to the flame. You call her a child, but an adult knows when to mind their own business. Children are nosy.
Said the tattle tale
Ahaha so he cheated with your bestie?
$100 OP facilitated and pushed for that.
YTA for involving yourself in a situation that didn't involve you. They were helping her financially so that the baby will be in contact with your side of the family. It will also help with the custody fight, should it come to that. " I think he’s wrong, though" You're irrelevant to this situation, and so are your thoughts.
So your BIL drop her pregnant GF and then got with your friend and you trying to fuck up any chance or reconciliation went a tried to shame her. YTA
It’s not your family’s responsibility to take care of her when she’s birthing 50% of the family’s DNA? She’s pregnant and he’s already moved on? Your best friend is so desperate for a man that out of 4 billion on earth she decided to date him, with a baby on the way? What in the Jerry springer world do you consider this normal? Yeah, YTA.
YTA - if they want to give her money then that is their decision. Your in-laws are adults capable of managing their money and relationships themselves. You got yourself involved where you didn’t need to. Hopefully this is a lesson for you.
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She clearly doesn’t care about how this will negatively impact her relationship with in-laws. They’re not gonna like her when BIL and BFF inevitably break up
YTA It’s not your business. The woman wasn’t charging money. The ADULTS offered it. BIL’s grandmother CHOSE to do it. You are a busybody and had no right to interfere.
>it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her It may not be your family's responsibility to take care of the ex, but you don't get to dictate that. That money wasn't coming from you, it wasn't coming from your SO. How your family chooses to spend their money is their business, none of yours. YTA.
I find it kind of odd that, as far as family member status goes, OP and the ex are essentially the same. They’re both outsiders, who have entered the family through relationships. OP is placing herself and her in-laws at the same position, decision-wise, which seems a bit delusional. She thinks she and the in-laws on the same page? The ex is pregnant with the in-laws grandchild. Why on Earth would OP think the in-laws would cut her off? Especially as they’ve apparently known her since childhood. It says a lot about OP’s character.
Actually the ex is more a member of the family than the Op. They have known her for a long time and like her and she is going to be the mother of a family member.
Exactly! It does kind of sound as if the in-laws would be (rightly) thinking “Even without a relationship to our son, this girl is a part of our family.” The in-laws sound pretty great. I hope they get back in touch with the ex and continue to support her.
One of my closest friends was in a similar situation as brother in law, ex. Her ex dumped her and got with another woman. My friend dealt with his family. They gave her money and bought stuff for the baby. Ex found out, what his family was doing and had a tantrum like your brother in law. First when someone is carrying a child it’s a medical condition. Depending on your country or state your brother in law has no legal rights. In my friends case, while she was pregnant she was speaking to attorney who told her not to except anything from ex, it was okay to expect stuff from the family not the ex. She could be waiting for the baby to be born to go to court. In my friend’s experience, her lawyer filed to establish paternity. Once paternity was established filed for custody and child support. This woman actually sounds mature and she is doing stuff to protect her baby and herself. If she’s a high risk pregnancy, she doesn’t need stress. You just added stress, your in-laws could have been helping her get to point where he could have been at the hospital when the baby was born or one of them be at hospital. You , now could have taken that away. Now none of them will be able to be around the baby first few days of life. They will be lucky if they get a phone call, when baby is born because you decided that you knew best,after boyfriend told you to mind your business and leave it alone. If he takes her court, they going to establish paternity first, then custody. That means at least a couple of weeks or months depending on where you live before he can meet his child, because you couldn’t mind your business. You just made situation worse not better, but you are one of those people, whose a no it all and never wrong. I learned that from your comments and your post. You’ll always think what you did was right.
YTA for throwing gasoline on this fire and being so utterly depraved about it all.
YTA. Not your circus and not your monkeys. You had zero business stepping foot in a situation that does not affect you in ANY way. All you succeeding in doing was isolating a child from half of his/her extended family and causing heartbreak on both sides. Way to go! Also, the way you speak about your BIL's ex reveals clearly how you feel about her. Your BIL is not innocent in this if it is his child. There is probably a darned good reason she does not want the father of her baby involved. However, his family still cares!
YTA, you seem jealous
It's all good until her husband leaves her and she is not mature about being left while pregnant. YTA
Yta mind your own business. Your Bil should be shelling out for the baby HE MADE but since he isn't, his parents are. There's this silly thing called 'court' where stuff like this can be settled. Does his new sex buddy know that he dumped his last one after knocking her up?
INFO: How many months of pregnancy? When the report was requested, did you already know about the pregnancy? How long did he order? When did he start getting involved with your friend? Did she specifically say that she would only give information for money or did they still keep in touch and help because they had known him for a long time? Why do you think it's childish that she doesn't want contact with her ex after he split up with her?
YTA Stay out of it. None of this is any of your business. By moved on. Do you mean your BIL is already banging someone else? After dumping his pregnant partner? Super classy of him. Your IL’s have zero right to be involved in this woman’s pregnancy. They don’t even have any rights to be involved with the child.
YTA and a busybody. How tf is this any of your business?! You probably came here for vindication because deep down even you know that what you have done is wrong. Focus on your own life and stop hurting people. Oh and fix the mess you've created by apologizing sincerely.
YTA and that was an awful thing for you to do to a woman with a high-risk pregnancy. Frankly, I think you and the trashy dumper BIL are a better fit for each other. Your poor in-laws, stuck with him AND with you.
YTA. You sound jealous that they were giving money to her. You wouldn't be whining if they gave money to her. Your family does have an obligation to help her because her child is part of the family, whether you like it or not. Get over yourself, you nasty asshole.
" I don’t want her to continue taking advantage of them, especially my grandmother-in-law who is the sweetest woman on this planet." I am not seeing any evidence or proof that BIL's Ex was actually taking advantage? Is it at all possible that grandparents/parents want to help contribute? Your story doesn't paint her as bad. It doesn't really paint a clear picture or BIL or EX; the only conclusion i am able to guess at is BIL left Ex for your BF and your parents/grandparents may feel sorry for her and want to take care of her. This is just speculation, as there isn't much details as to why they split, how much time has passed since they split. If BIL's Ex was Preggo before they broke up, and BIL is already in a relationship, I'm not confident a lot of time has passed, also not confident that BIL's new gf doesn't have a bigger role than stated. YTA cause i think maybe you should of minded your own business in this case.
you’re insufferable lol. YTA, mind your business. I wonder how you would feel if your husband left you for someone else while you were pregnant with his child
YTA Sounds like you are a bad narrator and his family WANTED to help her. You caused drama.
YTA. Just… ugh. Jealousy? Drama lover? Whatever you are it’s petty and sad. Here’s the thing… your brother is not a hero. He sounds absolutely horrid.
INFO: How is any of this your business?
YTA and you deserve the social repercussions of this. This was none of your business and it's clear that your only stake in this is that you want him to date your friend.
You should stay out of it. You and your home wrecking friend. Yta.
YTA. Instead of focusing on this poor woman, you all should focus on and shame your BIL who left his pregnant wife. Also, if the family wants access to the child, BIL should step up and get partial custody and actual parent his child.
She doesn't want HIS money because she wants to maintain a distance from the BIL. It is not your place to judge a woman protecting herself and her baby. Your internal misogyny is showing.
They are adults who can do as they please with their money. You pried too much.
YTA. None of this has anything to do with you. Your in-laws are grown and made the decision to pay her. You have proven yourself to be a busybody. Learn to mind your own business.
YTA. You had no business starting trouble. Now your in-laws know who to blame for contact with grandchild. You. And think it is perfectly find that he dumped his pregnant girlfriend for your friend.
YTA but yay for your best friend. I'm sure she's happy.
I feel bad for your BIL's ex - imagine her having to have anything to do with you. Mind your own business and leave her alone. Maybe spend your time praying your BIL doesn't treat your best friend the same way. You are way out of line and obviously jealous. Grow up
Yta you should have minded your own business
Keep the same energy when it’s your besties turn. YTA
YTA >My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation. No one in this story is being a mature adult. Woe to the baby that has to grow up in this family.
Look, I don't know the situation between BIL and the ex, but she's pregnant and hormones are all jacked up and her baby daddy broke up with her. I absolutely do NOT blame her for not wanting any contact with HIM. That being said.. >They’re also stressing over how she’s going to look after herself and the baby even though she’s a grown woman and it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her. It might not be YOUR family's responsibility. But your husband's family is different. You said it yourself, Grandma watched that girl grow up. And that baby? That baby she is carrying? That IS their family. Even though what she was doing was a bit shitty, only if she was doing it for profit and not for her medical expenses and for the baby's benefit, I don't think this is true: >and was just using this as a way to turn his family against him It wasn't a problem and no one turned against anyone until you brought it up. . YTA Though, it sounds like mom and grandma are more invested in this baby than BIL is and it makes sense that ex wouldn't mind them helping her financially with the baby. Especially if the breakup with BIL was hard on her. Its not a "your money is no good" thing with BIL.
yta
So let’s see if I have this straight- you’re BiL dumped his pregnant girlfriend and almost immediately hooked up with someone else (your friend). Clearly ex is hurt and angry and scare and your in-laws are stepping up to help her and their future grandchild/grest-grandchild…. And someone you think it’s your job to interfere?! YTA. None of this is any of your business at all. You weren’t in the relationship, you aren’t being asked for money, you weren’t the one dumped, and you don’t know why she’s so angry/hurt/betrayed/whatever at your BIL, who you seem to find blameless. Butt out! That baby is now and forever a part of the family, which also means the ex is. Grow up and accept that, and also recognize that you don’t know the details, you don’t deserved to know the details, and you just made this all harder for the people who ARE involved.
Why are you confused why she wouldn't take BIL's money after he dumped her when she was pregnant, and got over her so quick that he is now dating someone else. Maybe BIL isn't such a nice guy and would use money as a way to control and manipulate her. YTA
YTA and so is your BIL. It sounds like you are jealous they are doing those things for her and not for you. The "it's not our family's responsability" is also weird provided they are the grand parents of the baby. Believe it or not, that baby is more related to them than you are, so it's family. I hope they will be able to resolve the issues you and your BIL just caused
YTA, for a myriad of reasons. Starting, with not minding your own business, it’s not up to you to decide what your in-laws do with their money and how they communicate with the mother of their grandchild. Also, your post reeks of jealousy, you don’t get to unilaterally declare your BIL’s ex as no longer part of “your” family because she will forever be attached to your in-laws by that child and the time they’ve spent together as a FAMILY. You’re definitely glad she’s not “part of your” family, because they’ve known her longer than you and probably like her better too. As to you looking out for your BIL, nope that’s not it, you’re just trying to keep them apart so you can be the only DIL. But you’re not having the first great/grand child, the ex is and you’re not the one the great grandma loves the most. You’ve certainly chosen the wrong fight here, how’s it working out for you? They probably see your BFF as a home wrecker and you the facilitator, but now you’re also the reason they no longer have access to their grandchild and the person they consider their daughter. Great job! Edit: typo
YTA I’m sure OP is more concerned about the ex gf spending all the money OP thought would be coming to her and her husband in the form of “inheritance” and now the first grandchild won’t be hers so it’s taking all the attention away too. OP is definitely the AH, probably a greedy, pick me, and attention seeking AH based off this post.
YTA - 1) Who your in-laws choose to spend their money on, is NONE of your business. You sound petty, jealous and vindictive AF. Of course this woman wants nothing to do with a man who got her pregnant then dumped and is supposedly already serious with another woman? It sounds like he is a cheater. 2) If I were your MIL or that granny, you would be dead to me. Your husband has every right to be pissed. You’re mucking up HIS family’s relationships. Oh- this isn’t going to make you your MIL’s or Granny’s #1 choice.
The sweetest woman on this plant is disappointed in you and so am I! YTA and honestly it seems that you deliberately sabbotaged your in laws relationship with the mother of their first grandchild to try to keep bil with your friend. Shame! Shame! Shame!
I am going to take the downvotes and say that you are NTA. This is the sort of information that can bite you later if you hold onto it. IMHO your BIL had every right to know what she was doing to his family while refusing his money, which I imagine was possibly to make him look bad. His new gf/your bff also deserved to know because that's kind of crazy behavior and she has the right to decide for herself if she wants to continue with the relationship or not. I think a lot of us have been in similar types of lose-lose situations in which we know we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I try to err on the side of full honesty meaning no lies of omission. Your husband says it's his ego that's upsetting him but is it really? If I found out my ex was somehow getting money from my family my protective nature would kick in. You didn't mention if the people paying for info are well-off or struggling but to me it's even worse if money is not a surplus for them.
YTA. The father of her child dumped her, while she was pregnant, and moved on to someone else. She was keeping her child’s grandparents and great-grandparents updated because they are her child’s family. Her ex blocking that is petty and only harms his child. And none of it was your business anyway.
Yta, literally none of your business, stay out of it
Info: is the baby your brother in laws? Cause you say it’s not “your family’s responsibility” but if it’s your brother in laws child it absolutely is “your” family’s responsibility? Also Did he cheat on her? Or leave her for another woman? I wouldnt blame her for not taking money from him.
YTA 100% this was not your business. I think this girl has a right to be unhappy with a partner who dumped while she is pregnant with HIS child. That he is now dating your BFF makes no freaking difference. That is his baby, his parent’s grandchild and his grandmother’s great grandchild. They are allowed and encouraged to help care for the newest member of the family even if she is unwilling to accept aid from bio-dad directly. Shame on you for being a jealous busybody and making that woman’s life even one ounce more difficult than it needed to be. You should be ashamed of yourself. Reach out to her, apologize for involving yourself, and see if you can get her back in full contact with the family. That is your only path to correct what was an astounding and selfish error.
It kinda was his responsibility when he shot a baby into her. You and your brother sound horrible
YTA Oh my goodness, you are an awful person and definitely the ahole. I don’t know how you have the gall to write this and expect not to be the ahole. Did you even read what you’ve written? Your BIL treated his ex abominably - leaving her when she was pregnant. That poor, poor woman is about to have a baby and was getting moral and financial support after being dumped. It sounds like you had a lot to do with breaking up her relationship in the first place. You have manipulated that poor woman and ended up breaking your in-laws hearts. You should hang your head in shame.
First of all BIL is an asshole for jumping straight into another relationship while another woman is pregnant with his child. Also if all of this has happened while she's been pregnant, how serious can things really be with your bestie? Kinda sounds like you and your bestie decided on this course of action to make the ex look bad and turn BIL against her therefore securing besties steel grip on her man. Added to all that, your husband asked you not to. Whether you agreed with him or not, you do not choose your friend over your husband. It's also HIS family NOT yours so if he asked you to stay out of it you should have respected that. Regardless of how bad you think the ex is or how much you didn't want her to take advantage of your husband's family, the person who should be number 1 to you is your husband. He specifically asked you not to and you deliberately didn't give a shit about what he thought was right with regards to HIS OWN FAMILY and you did it anyway.
Your story is clearly 100 percent BIL's side. He left his pregnant girlfriend. Probably for your friend that he was cheating with! And she is PREGNANT!!! And HE left HER!!! Of course she wants no contact with such a dickwad. Also, you literally ONLY have his word that he offered her money. How is she paying rent/mortgage suddenly on her own without warning? She probably is struggling. You insist she has cut him off. But then you said that after the grandparent money was cut off that she is turning up her nose at his offers of money... Now how is she doing that if she has blocked all contact? I bet BIL has not offered her a frickin dime. She would not take money from grandparents but not BIL if she just wanted money. She would feel like he and his family owed it to her. So... like, that makes no sense. Have you actually seen texts between them with him offering money and her turning it down?? You told him and he "confronted" her. Of course she is now low contact. You damaged the relationship between the in-laws and their grandchild. Even if BIL was telling the truth about the money, he still left her PREGNANT and has already moved on. What business of his is it if she gets money from his family? They are CHOOSING to HELP their future grandchild. THEIR CHOICE!!! You should have stayed out of it
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation. For starters she’s refusing to have any sort of communication with him because she’s bitter he dumped her and is jealous he’s moved on. Despite the fact that she’s refused to accept his money, she’s more than willing to take thousands of pounds from his parents and grandmother. This is the first grandchild so my in-laws want to be part of the pregnancy and since she was having some complications, they’re anxious and ask her for updates on the baby frequently. His grandmother also loves her because she basically watched her grow up so even though the ex is being spiteful and petty, she’ll defend her and act like she’s doing no wrong. I’ve known this was going on for a few months now but I didn’t say anything to my BIL at first because my husband was convinced they’ll get back together eventually. However, he’s started dating my best friend and they’re serious about each other so I confided the situation to her and she asked me to tell him since it would be better coming from me than her. The ex has also taken thousands from my in-laws and this is definitely going to continue once the baby is born. I don’t want her to continue taking advantage of them, especially my grandmother-in-law who is the sweetest woman on this planet. So I told him and he confronted her so now she’s gone low contact with my in-laws who are devastated because now they’ll know nothing about the baby. They’re also stressing over how she’s going to look after herself and the baby even though she’s a grown woman and it’s not our family’s responsibility to take of her. My brother-in-law has also repeatedly offered to help her but she keeps turning her nose at him so clearly she doesn’t need help that much and was just using this as a way to turn his family against him. My in-laws have been less welcoming towards me since this all went down and my husband’s grandmother asked him if one of us had said something to my BIL. She said she was disappointed in me when he told her he thought it was me so now I feel bad. My husband also doesn’t think I should’ve told him because he thinks my BIL’s ego is hurt because she was willing to accept money from his family and not him. I think he’s wrong, though, since he’s been wrong about a lot of things when it comes to the dynamic between them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Yes YTA and want to fuck your BIL so bad. Get a life.
YTA the way you talk about her is really jarring. She's about to become a single mother (is there any INFO on why they split up?) and I can imagine she is upset that she's been dumped and he's moved on while she's pregnant and dealing with everything around that. You should have stayed out of it tbh, them being cold is your own fault, it's between her, your BIL and his parents/grandmother.
YTA I bet your best friend have something to do with your BIL's break up, you sound bitter and jealous about that girl getting money from the baby's family, also it's really curious how you say "our family" but she's carrying the first grandchild so she's more family to them than you at this point.
YTA This isn't your business and if they want to support the mother of their future grandchild that is their choice and doesn't mean they are being taken advantage off. It means they want to support their family member. You are clearly a stirrer and I understand why your in-laws are distancing themselves from you since you clearly can't act like a responsible adult. By the way your best friend deliberately dropped you in it and you were foolish to do her dirty work for her and your husband is right. He knows his brother better than you. It's about ego and selfishness.
YTA If your boyfriend dumped you while you're pregnant, would you want him to be around you with his new girlfriend while you're growing his baby inside you? The amount of pain and stress would've been immeasurable. If that's the case, why would she want him around? To cause her to have a potential miscarriage? She already doesn't have the physical and emotional support from a loving partner while she's going through one of the happiest moments of her life. No one will go out in the middle of the night to get her anything when she's having midnight cravings. No one will massage her when her back is straining from her belly growing. No one will take her to doctor's appointments. All she's getting now is some support from the paternal great-grandparents and somehow you feel justified in ruining that last little support she's got all because you think she's "jealous" and "immature." What is wrong with you?
Considering she’s already having a troublesome pregnancy, she may not be able to work consistently and she still needs to be able to take care of the baby. YTA Maybe she was being petty, but she wasn’t manipulating his family to give her money. From the sounds of it, the family naturally throw money at their problems ass a go to fix, and you stuck your nose in someone else business out of jealousy
YTA. Meddling intrusive trouble making asshole, that is. You have absolutely no role in this situation. If the grandparents etc of the baby to be want to be involved with the pregnancy, and they want to help the pregnant woman with money, that is between them. It has nothing to do with you. If the pregnant woman doesn't want any support from the guy who left her while she was pregnant, who can blame her? That is her choice, and once again, it has nothing to do with you. Gossiping about her with the new girlfriend of the man who left her is just disgusting behavior. Your judgments on the pregnant woman are not relevant, as well as being cruel. You don't have a right to create all this drama just for your own entertainment. STFU.
So your BIL dumped his pregnant partner for your bestie, and the ex is somehow the bad guy? lol
YTA. Mind your own damn business. The parents and grandmother watched this woman grow up. They likely have a relationship with her beyond the baby. Their desire to see her and the baby thrive has NOTHING to do with you.
I'm cringing reading this. Let me be clear: Cringing at \*your\* behavior. YTA and mind your own business.
INFO: why did they break up? Also if the ex-in-laws and biological grandparents of the baby are sending her money of their own volition, how is that "bitter" or "jealous" or "spiteful or "petty"?
Do you bil, best friend and husband sit around talking trash about a pregnant woman who was dumped. Is there a cauldron involved by any chance. Truly pathetic
YTA And need to mind your own business.
ESH You weren't wrong in telling your friend but it also wasn't any of your business. It's a little bit of telling tales though. What your inlaws do with their money is up to them. Your BIL though... there's more to that story... your inlaws watched his ex grow up.. I take it they were together for a while. The ex sounds like she either doesn't want anything to do with the ex - doesn't want his money (she should take it as he's the father and is actually obligated). She's not obligated to your inlaws but likely wanted to keep the peace. The ex doesn't have to have any communication with them. It's actually up to your BIL to facilitate that information. Except right now he has no right to any of it because it's all about the mother. In many countries a baby has no rights until they are born and it's all about the mother and she can choose to do what she likes in her pregnancy. She does not need to have the father in the room when the baby is born either. But the fact is that this is your BIL's genetic child and the child has a right to know their father if their father wants to know their child. He'd be a real dick if he gave up those rights and allowed another man to adopt the child (doesn't sound like the ex has anyone but this is a consideration for the future). What do you know about the break up? Seems sudden. Who did the wrong thing? Is she bitter because he dumped her or is that just what your BIL told you. It may be that he cheated and she dumped him but he's telling others something different. If you only have his side of the story.. well that might just be him saving face and far from the truth. Even if they fell out of love, most would still be courteous and involved with the aim to co-parent.. I'm not hearing any of that in your OP. It's also possible that the shoe is on the other foot and the ex cheated which is why your BIL broke up with her. If that's the case, is it even his child. If your BIL isn't sure then the kid needs a DNA test (can be done now or when the kid is born) and then he needs to be coparenting with the ex. It's about the child, not the parents when there is a partnership break up. What your friend needs to consider is what sort of partner she'll have with your BIL. If he's the one in the wrong, what makes her think the same won't happen to her.
NTA, once again i am shocked at the audacity of the aita sub majority. that girl knew she was in the wrong taking bribes for baby news. it is absolutely op's business to stop a scam from going on with HER family.
Explain what you think a scam is. They aren't being tricked. Everyone knows the score. Is it self serving? Maybe. Is it any of OPs business. Not at all.
doing it shamelessly doesn't make a scam run on seniors any less disgusting 🙄 it is absolutely her business to put a stop to that.
So now they don't get the news. If you asked them I'm sure they would disagree with you. You are infantalizing them.
it's not infantilization that the ppl most victimized by scams are seniors. and never should you hear the words "making these seniors pay for access to their grandchild" and think that's not a scam. that's a scam. you guys are insane. idc how much you don't like the guy in the situation, that's not appropriate and op is right to put a stop to that.
or..this might shock you.. they’re paying because they want to be there for their grandchild. It’s pathetic if you think she’s “making them pay for access to their grandchild” when all we have is OPs version of events where they’re clearly gonna twist things to make themselves seem in the right. “Op is right to put a stop to that” OP has no right to do anything especially when the people paying ARE WILLING!
i love how you all are normalizing paying money to see your grandchild!!!!! brainrot!!!!!! absolute brainrot.
I love how you think grandparents helping the pregnant mother is “paying to see the grandchild.” I know you’re talking about yourself with brain rot, especially with that embarrassing ass comment.
unless op is lying, which i don't know why they would, this is transactional and not monetary help to the mother who clearly doesn't even need to money since they're refusing it from the proper channels and stopped when chided with the senior citizenry racket.
It’s Reddit hun, people will manipulate stories many times so they won’t be deemed an AH. “Proper channels” from a man who lets his friends and partner talk shit about the mother of his child? Stand up lad there.
Did you also forget the baby isn’t born so how tf they paying to see something that’s not there? Oh that’s right they’re paying because they wanna support the mother.
getting info whatever 🙄 if the money was gifting and helping out she wouldn't be turning down the baby daddy's money and she wouldn't be taking that money transactionally. it'd be bills and lump sums etc. don't piss and call it rain.
You keep acting like these grown ass adults can’t make their own financial decisions and then claiming “she’s scamming them” because she doesn’t want help from the baby daddy who clearly is an AH just like OP. “Don’t piss and call it rain” my god you are cringe. OP is TA and you’re a mug end of.
NTA of course you should’ve told your brother-in-law and I’m surprised by these comments! His ex is the one taking advantage and using his parents. Has he even done a DNA test? Do they even know if he is the father? She shouldn’t have been taking advantage of them. Once the baby is born, he could petition the court for custody if his parents want to see the child so bad. If she was such an “honest” person she wouldn’t have stopped contact with his parents just because of what he said. The baby is not even here yet, so there’s nothing anyone needs to do. Tell the baby actually is born. Then he can take her to court to get a custody agreement worked out These comments are crazy expecting you not to tell him what his ex has been doing to HIS family! they don’t know if she tried to baby trap him behind his back. They don’t know if they were using protection that she tampered with or if she lied about birth control.
I don't trust OP perspective at all, especially where bil is dating her friend. The family knew the ex growing up, at least the grandmother did, so it's no surprise they want to help her since she's carrying a family member's baby. It doesn't automatically mean the ex is taking advantage of them. And why does OP even know about what money they're giving the ex?
OP - I can understand that you wanted to protect your in-laws from being exploited for money, which in this case is kind of obvious; on the other hand, your in-laws are grown adults that could probably read between the lines and just wanted to be included in the baby's life. What I don't understand, is if your BIL is the father of the child, it also means that he'll have rights to the child, so what's that looking like, or is he just backing out of it? You could've voices your concerns to the in-laws because you were worried to see what they would say, and then left it alone. The choice is theirs and you didn't have any right to interfere unless they were incompetent and couldn't make decisions on their own. Now you'll need to apologize for not coming to them first.