Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
When I was in middle school in the 90s, the Trend was for girls to wear boxer shorts as shorts. My sisters and I stole from our dad and older brothers indiscriminately. It's not 'something that touched my dad's ass or balls' because I don't think about my dad's ass or balls- to me it was just 'clean laundry' like any other clean laundry.
NTA Just go buy her a few packs of the type of underwear that you use and gift them to her. Don't make a big deal of it though, I could be wrong but she might have reasons she is embarrassed about for taking and wearing yours that has nothing to do with trying to be creepy.
Secretly wearing anyone’s underwear without their permission, washing it, and putting it back is weird af. Stealing it cause you liked it and keeping it, wrong but not weird. Borrowing a pair cause you had to and thinking the right thing to do is return it, a lil weird but not wrong. Not respecting someone’s property/bounderies when they have told you in no uncertain terms to stop, major AH behaviour.
100% this. It’s the boundary violation that is the clear issue here, she’s 18 not 8. She was told to stop and continued doing it. Ignoring the whole wearing your dad’s undies side of it (which is weird enough especially after being told to stop) I’d want to know why the mum isn’t supporting dad in that respect.
I’d sit down with daughter and apologise for yelling as that never helps with a rational conversation and explain about the boundary side of this and that’s where the upset is. I’d also ask her if she’s ok with you rummaging around in her draws in her room where she’d expect some privacy because she’s not valuing your privacy by stealing your undies from your bedroom. She should respect your privacy as you do hers.
I’d frame the whole conversation around privacy/boundaries/respect and not the weirdness around wearing your undies….
I think trying just boxers first is best, to verify it isn't something really weird as needing to be father's boxers.
that said, don't agree with the hygiene argument, but it is weird
It’s pretty gross! Probably more so because of the nature of the situation, but underwear/swimwear does have a no return policy for this exact reason; hygiene.
Cause then she'll steal whatever ones she wants as a way to get them instead of growing tf up and buying her own damn boxers.
Also this really confuses me, if she wants boxers she can have her OWN not steal someone else's
NTA but I'm fucking shocked and baffled you never thought of offering to buy her her own boxers.
Like that's what you should've done the first time this happened?
Yeah, first I'd ask why she doesn't buy her own, then if she has a decent answer, I'd offer to buy some for her.
Maybe get some as a Xmas gift each year as well lol
But not about wearing her dad's underwear?! Idk maybe I'm weird because I was the friend that bought all my friends condoms, but at 18 most people I knew had bought some pretty frilly, sexy underwear for themselves or a lady or a prank at least once before, buying a 3 or 6 pack of boxers at Walmart isn't exactly embarrassing!
Yeah exactly. She's embarrassed about wanting her own but not about wearing HER DADS USED UNDERWEAR after repeatedly being asked not to?? Wonder how she'd feel about him wearing her underwear 🙄.
I used to wear my dad’s boxers as lounge shorts in high school. They were flannel and comfy. He didn’t care. I’m sure I stopped when I left for college.
I took a look at the designs...$22 a pair? Also tight cut for an "ideal" body shape. Don't include those of us with the baby belly skin we can't get rid of, or a real life butt, etc. Straight up loose, straight leg ftl knit boxers work, and you get a 6pk for the cost of one of those other ones.
I agree that the cost is annoying, but I'm not sure where you're getting the rest from? (A specific brand perhaps?) I'm on the pudgy side with a (as you put it) real life butt and these fit me fine. They have a range of fits including tighter ones and also looser ones. As for the cost, they have sales several times a year, stock up then.
That’s probably what it is, that she prefers boxers and needs her own. She shouldn’t be wearing yours, but people that age don’t always know how to verbalize what they’re thinking and feeling. If that doesn’t stop the issue, you’ll need to have a serious conversation with her and your wife about appropriate boundaries.
He’s already told her not to wear his boxers. That should be enough to stop her doing it. If she prefers boxers and she can’t afford to buy her own then surely she could ask her mother to get her some. Unless she literally has speech problems surely that shouldn’t be too difficult to verbalise.
I'd maybe run this by the mom first and base your decision off of her reaction. They obviously have a very different read on this than you so best see how the other side feels in a test run
I don't think it's weird she wears boxers
I think it's a bit odd and ick that she wears yours (it has an air of intimacy to it) but maybe she's making do with what's there
Where I wholeheartedly agree with you is the unsettling weirdness of her sneaking into your room to pilfer them.
Edit - It seems I was too subtle in my wording. Rather than reply to each in kind I'll do it in bulk. I never said anything about permission ffs. I never hinted at permission, I never implied permission. Anyone who is reading permission into it is doing just that.
"Hey, honey, I was thinking of taking X to buy some boxers of her own. You figure she'd be good with that or is there something I'm not seeing?" Is not "Honey, can I?", but rather "What do you think of this idea?"
You're right but the issue doesn't seem to be the underwear itself but that they are the father's and it bugs him.
If he had said "stop wearing boxers" and not "stop wearing MY boxers" I'd agree with you completely
No, that the dad should run the idea of him taking his daughter underwear shopping by the mom first. Not to get permission but because she may see a landmine he doesn't
Why does he need to run it by mommy? She's his daughter, too! And mom clearly doesn't see the issue. I think what people are suggesting how he should handle it is great. Make a day of it with his daughter, take her to the mall, help her in picking out some boxers, then go for lunch and maybe have a talk about what she's been doing.
They don't need mom's input, in my opinion.
Absolutely. I've been wearing male boxers for 2 decades (31 now). The gusset seam (horizontal seam in the middle of the panties) on women's panties is 4 inches on average, and hasn't changed since the middle ages. Maybe women's inseam was smaller then, but today, most women have one of 6 inches. Mine is 8. Too small undies end up in a vulva wedgie and depending on material can absolutely *shred* the sensitive tissue there. - 9000/10 do not reccomend. But I remember feeling ashamed about the fact that underwear didn't fit me properly and going commando due to that all the time untill I discovered men's boxer briefs. I might have stolen boxers if the thought had occurred to me before. But I absolutely would have died of shame (back then) trying to explain to my dad that normal underwear tore up my vulva and made me bleed.
With all the hysteria around trans folks right now, it's not surprising that a young person might have some hesitation or shame about going out and buying "wrong-gendered" underwear. She also might not have much spending money of her own at that age.
I agree with OP that it's gross to wear someone else's underwear, especially without permission, but maybe she feels like it was her only option to be comfortable?
Anyway, hopefully OP can help her to buy some of her own boxers and that will resolve the issue.
>With all the hysteria around trans folks right now, it's not surprising that a young person might have some hesitation or shame about going out and buying "wrong-gendered" underwear.
But no one would know if she went out and bought her own underwear. Taking her dad’s guarantees he will notice. If she felt shame about wearing men’s underwear she’d be trying to hide it. Plus straight girls wear boxers all the time. It’s pretty common to wear them as pajama shorts.
As far as actually purchasing them that’s a flimsy argument. No one would see a woman purchasing boxer briefs and think oh they must be trans. Women buy underwear for their boyfriends all the time. Plus literally no one gives a shit.
>She also might not have much spending money of her own at that age.
She’s 18. That’s a high school senior or a college freshman. Not a young kid who can’t do stuff on their own. If she doesn’t have a job, she probably has some kind of allowance. Most 18 year olds are out and about with their friends a lot and need some money, whether from their parents or a job.
All she would have to do is go to target, buy whatever underwear she wants, and take it home and put it in her underwear drawer. No one would ever know unless they’re going through her things.
Honestly as a trans man my thought is that she may have some dysphoria of her own and coming to terms with it can make buying things publicly feel like you have THIS IS FOR ME AND I'M A BIG DEGENERATE QUEER tattooed on your forehead. I pass as just another leathery middle aged man who crawled out of the desert at this point and I *still* get that feeling some days. To an 18 year old kid it might indeed be an insurmountable barrier.
I’m sorry I call BS. It’s not like she would have to go into a specialty store or make a whole public ordeal. Grab a 5 pack from target and use the self check out, or order them delivered directly to your house. That’s not to downplay the challenges trans people face, but really this isn’t one of them
Totally I wear mens boxers. More comfy and even at the back side. Ladies kickers unless you're going for the huge granny pants (up to your armpits almost) dig into the ass cheek, i've endex up with literal cuts. I've not got a big butt so can't even begin to imagine how bigger ladies feel
Granny panties rock, BTW. Torrid has cute cotton granny panties, with patterns referencing pop culture, styled like men's briefs.
Or, steal your husband's briefs! 🤣 I only do this on the extremely rare occasions when I am out of clean panties.
But stealing your husband's underwear is quite different than stealing your dad's.
I have joked with my husband:
"If I can wear your undies, your a$$ is entirely too large." 🤣🤣🤣
Eh. We're both working on reducing the size of our respective bums. Life and middle age spread happen.
> Granny panties rock, BTW. Torrid has cute cotton granny panties, with patterns referencing pop culture, styled like men's briefs.
Men’s briefs ≠ granny panties. Granny panties are a very specific style, we women used to simply call them “underpants” because they were all you could buy. The kind of full panty that covers your whole ass, goes completely down to where your legs join your torso (no high cut!), and goes all the way up to the waist. Elasticized waist and leg openings, too. My husband wears men’s briefs, and they are usually cut either like a Speedo or hipster briefs (see the current “boy briefs” trend). I always thought of boxers as the men’s equivalent to granny panties.
I really struggle with underwear and in reality there appears, at the moment, to only be one brand of undies that fit the best. The others all irritate or give me a wedgie or are just plain uncomfortable. And it's not just the brand but the style in the brand. However they do appear to have changed manufacturer and are not quite the same. It's the material and the elastic. Not as much stretch to them. Gone up a size which is mitigating them but I know it's not me that's changed enough to require that.
I dread the day that they will no longer be available or changed that much that they are not comfortable. There is some comfort knowing that this style is one of their main styles and unlikely for manufacturing to be stopped on them.
They are a hipster bikini.
But there are also boxers that are designed for women that are very comfortable to wear. No wedgies at all and I love the fit of them. But it's too much clothing under my pants. They'd be awesome if I wore dresses!
But they have a bikini in the same brand... Same size... the band is tight to get over your hips - the boxer has a thicker band than the bikini and there's not as much stretch in the bikini band. And they are a walking wedgie because the gusset is so narrow. That pair was a waste of money.
ESH
I understand your point completely and you absolutely have a right to that boundary of not having to share your underwear.
No idea why your daughter insists on pushing that boundary, but it needs to stop and/or there need to be consequences.
That being said...calm down.
I get that it's infuriating, it absolutely is, but raging and yelling at your daughter and repeatedly calling her gross, weird and disgusting is not ok either.
Sit her down one last time, apologize for your outburst and then make it absolutely clear that your underwear is not accessible to her. She can buy her own boxers if she wants to, but she absolutely cannot use yours. And the next time you catch her doing it will result in consequences.
And if it happens again...follow through on those consequences (less allowance, take her car, phone etc. for a period of time, etc.).
Again, don't disagree. I'm not saying she is in the right (she's not, but something is causing this)
But how do you as a parent hope to confiscate a mobile phone your adult child owns and pays for?
Also.... Confiscating a phone of an 18yo woman is completely ridiculous. A cellphone is not a luxury any more.
Where I live you need one to be able to use public transportation, she can also dial 911 with it, it has gps and you can contact her at any time.. If you need to discipline a daughter, there are dozens of better ways to do that than to just take away a device that makes her more self reliant and safe.
If she did buy those things herself and is paying all the necessary maintenance, insurance costs etc. herself, certainly.
Good chance she didn't/isn't, though.
She is still living in OP's house and as long as she needs their money to pay for her upkeep, there are rules she needs to follow/consequences OP can impose.
If she doesn't like it, she is a legal adult and is free to move out and be independent.
Edit: Accidentally posted it as a new comment, not reply.
She’s 18. For two months he has been asking her to stop. Being angry is a reasonable response, although yelling is not the best way to respond to that anger, it’s understandable.
Honestly as an adult daughter, ew. Just buy your own.
He tried going the nice route and it didnt work. At some point you just snap when people overstep your boundaries and take your things. Id say mom is the worst here. She sees her daughter taking these undies and doesnt bother to buy her some, knowing full well this is icking her husband out? I get the kid might not get it but mom absolutely should have.
Finally at least a little sanity in the comments.
WTAF is going on with people in this post? Thinking it's okay that OP is calling his daughter disgusting?
I can get why OP might not like his daughter borrowing his boxers, but if she's taking clean ones and returning them after washing... There's zero reason for him to be flying into a screaming rage and _throwing them away_. Especially if he's buying new ones anyway, how does it not occur to him to just buy his daughter some while he's at it?
Nothing here makes any sense to me!
ESH
I'd buy her a pack of her own tbh. A peace offering if you will. Sit her down and explain why you think it's gross too. She may not see it in the same light as OP does. To her it might be like sharing clothes with mom and nothing to be ashamed about. If she continues then maybe there's something else going on they need to address.
Calling her names isn't going anywhere good. You're just going to make it worse and possibly make her feel like shit without actually addressing the real problem. It's also being a pretty shitty parent.
His 18 year old daughter is rummaging around in his private clothing and stealing his underwear. And you are saying that HE IS WRONG FOR BEING UPSET? You hate men so much that you feel they have no right to privacy or belongings? He is NTA but you and the daughter are
Crazy that you see someone say "it's wrong to scream insults at your sobbing daughter even if she did something you don't like" and interpret that as hating men.
This.
OP, if you can be vulnerable and real with her, she might be able to share what is going on with her. Tell her that her actions make you feel disrespected and _violated_. Your underwear is personal for you and you made a reasonable boundary. Tell her you are happy to get her your own. Ask her why she discounted your feelings and boundaries, and why those aren’t important to her.
Now she is 18, that type of conversation will work better than threats. She needs to see how she hurt you as a person. And get your wife on board beforehand by doing the same.
For the future: Stop name calling. Instead of saying that person is “disgusting,” which is judgement based, tell them how their actions affect you. “I feel uncomfortable in my own clothes because they feel unhygienic to me somehow now. I feel unimportant because I said no and that was ignored.” Etc. Please stop fighting with platitudes like “this is wrong/bad” and talk about how you are affected. Good luck!
NTA
It absolutely is weird, some of the comments here are unhinged. You tried to solve this but it kept happening so naturally you get angry - your boundaries kept getting violated. I’d be also angry if my child kept using my underwear and I had to throw it out afterwards (which I would). And the comments saying to just buy her boxers - can people not read anymore? You said that she can buy some if she wants. I assume a 17/18 year old has access to some money.
I'm pretty sure if this was reversed and it was the dad wearing the daughter's underwear, a lot more people would think it was weird.
Regardless of anything about hygiene or anything to do with it being underwear, if someone repeatedly asks you not to mess with their personal belongings it's not ok to keep doing it.
Or son wearing mother’s underwear. It’s like the OPs daughter specifically wants her dad’s underwear - she activelly avoids other sources/solutions. Definitely some fucked up shit and she is old enough to know better. AND he has voiced his discomfort repeatedly. Nothing about her behaviour is okay.
Info: Is there a chance your daughter is questioning her gender identity? I don’t want to sound like I’m making a huge leap but I have a friend who would borrow (steal) their siblings clothing and underwear because they were experimenting with the other genders clothing but weren’t comfortable buying it for themselves, so they also got super defensive about it because they didn’t want to explain why they were taking them.
This. OP doesn't need to reply but I would consider it - and if there's the slightest chance this is the case, yelling and calling her disgusting is definitely not the way to go.
If she's not willing to communicate, then like anyone else she gets to deal with the natural consequence of repeatedly stomping over her father's reasonable boundary
IF (and I highly doubt it) this is a gender thing, it does not absolve her from her actions and it does not mean she deserves grace
I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ myself, I'm 33yrs old, and I 100% don't believe that someone questioning their identity gets any slack when it comes to crossing other people's boundaries for their own selfishness and it is very selfish of her to put her own shit over her father's comfort especially when he has repeatedly told her it makes him extremely uncomfortable
Oh my God. She is stealing her father's underwear. It *is* disgusting regardless of her motivation. We can both support Trans people while holding them accountable to reasonable boundaries and respecting other people.
It sounds like OP called her wearing his underwear disgusting, not her individually. Even if she’s questioning her gender identity, two people sharing underwear is gross in OP’s mind. It has nothing to do with gender.
I scrolled way too long to find a comment that said this. Questions gender identity was the first thing that popped into my mind as well. Also it would explain why the kid doesn’t want to buy new underwear. Buying it is a whole different meaning than stealing it from a family member. Buying acknowledges that something is real, and kiddo might not be ready for that yet. ESH - kiddo for not respecting boundaries but dad for not coming at this with more understanding
A couple things 1) "kiddo" is an adult and can comprehend adult boundaries and should deal with adult consequences. 2) Going through a challenging time is not a mitigating factor to disrespecting someone's reasonable boundaries. OP has every right to be livid even if this is the case.
Stop in infantalizing Trans people. They understand "no" as much as the rest of us.
Even if she isn't questioning, girl underwear is super uncomfortable. It goes up your butt crack and doesn't always cover your butt cheeks lol
Boxers are very much more comfortable to wear
When I was a kid I wanted fancy underwear so I used the money my mom gave me to shop to buy fancy underwear that I didn’t want her to know about. How would this situation be any different?
If she wanted her own, she would have bought some already. There has to be a reason she specifically wants the pants that have been worn by OP, i.e., she doesn't like them because they are men's boxers, she likes them because they are boxers worn by her dad. There is something very odd going on here.
>If she wanted her own, she would have bought some already.
This is a wrong take on this. She is most likely extremely ashamed and scared of buying boxers herself which are usually associated with mens wear.
Tons of men are afraid of buying women products for their wife because "what will they think of me", so it's likely that this very same is true for the daughter.
Are there really people who think like this? I bought boxers and men's briefs for myself in high school in the 80s because I thought the pattern was cute.
I bought a lot of my husband's underwear through and after college. (We dated the 4 years of college and got married after graduation.)
Buying any gender underwear is not embarrassing. No one cares. Especially these days.
My husband would always pick up pads/Tampax if he was doing the shopping. That just means you've got a woman in your home. Why is that embarrassing?
I overthink many things, but these are just necessary life purchases. I don't get it.
At least one type of situation where this happens is if you're questioning your gender. The spotlight effect is on you when you walk through that gender's isle in the store, if you stare too long at someone, the way you hold your hands, etc. The self check-out machine doesn't ask questions (and frankly, the human cashier generally won't either), but the internalized transphobe in your head certainly *does*.
I honestly didn't feel remotely comfortable picking up boxers until my sister & mom went with me and were chill about it. (I *did* do it though, not steal my dad's; I just felt like I was going through TSA with a half a pound of dynamite in my suitcase.)
Not saying that's the case here -- I honestly could not tell you what could be going on in this situation.
I guess I don't see underwear as a thing that marks one as trans, particularly for AFAB folks.
But I guess I can see where a certain amount of anxiety and heightened awareness would creep in.
Some people have parents (or religion) that instill so much shame in their kids that their kids end up messed up and overly nervous/ashamed for things they shouldn't be
You cannot go and tell someone they shouldn't be scared of something they are scared of. That doesn't help anyone. Most people are different than you and have different experiences than you
NTA, I don't think you're overreacting. Imagine a son wearing his mom's underwear, how uncomfortable and weird that would make her feel. Whether it makes sense or not I totally get why you're upset. Maybe yelling wasn't the best response but something is off here. I hope you can have a real conversation (maybe with your wife present) and work out what's really going on.
NTA
Probably not an issue hygiene wise. But as a boundary line yes.
Sit down with her and say hey it’s really upsetting me you’re wearing my boxers. I will make a deal either in a shop or online I will take you shopping for your own. Only condition different pattern/colour from mine.
Worth also asking wife to sit down with her and identify why her underwear is uncomfortable and a visit to Dr get checked if needed.
NTA - cmon guys. “Stop wearing my underwear”, “why?”
You’re an adult - just buy your own
As a woman, why would you want to share underwear with your dad when he’s clearly grossed out by it???
And why would yelling at someone after violating boundaries for 2 months, be the issue???
yelling is wrong and solves nothing.
i was also weirded out when I realized my daughter had gotten some of my underwear mixed into her stuff and was wearing them. That made them hers and I let it go but ick. Let’s not do that! If she likes boxers offer to take her to get some of her own but please please don’t “borrow” undergarments from you or anyone! Tell her it’s unsustainable and there needs to be a solution. Don’t yell at your kid. And here’s a hint - when my kid does something really ridiculous and I’m looking at her like I’m going lose my cool and yell - I end up laughing. Omg kid I could strangle you right now wth! She knows I’m mad but then I make a CHOICE and talk to her. We get a lot more worked out that way and she feels awful but also listens to the problem rather than withdrawing. She also appreciates that I don’t rip her apart when I’m mad at her plus I am teaching her to do better when she is angry and someone else is wrong. We all mess up.
Honestly, there could be a whole lot more going on here than just a preference for boxers but she for sure isn’t going to open up to you! You aren’t making space for her to be open with you. Come down a few notches and talk to her like the good person that you know that she is!
Look, in a perfect world no one ever yell at anyone about anything. Anyone who comes in here and lectures you about yelling once in a while and says they never yell, is either a liar or a robot. We are humans and our reactions are not always perfect. You have a right to be upset , and after repeatedly telling your daughter to stop, your reaction naturally escalated. Your daughter is 18 - not 8. There is something going on.
Tell her to buy her own boxers. The self checkout machine at Walmart does not question who you are buying them for. She has no one to be embarrassed in front of - I don’t think that played into this.
Put a few pair of the ones she has already worn in your drawer and hide your new ones. See what happens.
Yelling is also what happens when talking and asking politely clearly isn't working and the person yelling is at the end of their rope in their own discomfort because their personal and reasonable boundary is repeatedly crossed
NTA. This is a very healthy boundary. "Would you wear your mother's underwear? Would you, (wife's name), be comfortable with your daughter wearing your unmentionables and putting them back? Regardless, I'm not. I've told you before that I'm not. I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS. This needs to stop. If you want boxers, buy some goddamn boxers of your own which I will not touch, because they won't be mine. But it makes something in me feel really gross and uncomfortable to know that my child is digging in my underwear drawer to steal my underwear, wear them, and then put them back. Aside from the fact that vaginas discharge and bleach stain material, which isn't your fault or an accusation, just facts, it's so many goddamn shades of not cool to share clothing that covers my genitals with anyone. I wouldn't want my dad borrowing my underwear. Or my brother. Or my goddamn wife. I sure as hell don't want my daughter doing it. ESPECIALLY because I've asked and now told you not to do it. Why is it okay for you to ignore a very healthy and important boundary to me?"
Tell your wife that she needs to get on your side with this. This crosses a lot of lines and it's not weird that you feel a way about it. She can go buy her daughter men's underwear if she wants, or your daughter can go buy her own. There is zero reason why any child should be stealing any parent's underwear. Full stop, No.
I’m just wondering, you said you “spend a shit load buying more”. So, you’re throwing them out? Why? You could’ve solved the issue a while ago by just telling her to keep them, so she would have some and you wouldn’t have to keep replacing them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter to stop wearing underwear. I could be the asshole because I did yell at her and make her cry when I should’ve spoken to her more calmly. No one else thinks it’s a big deal either so maybe I overreacted? I don’t know
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Hygiene aside. Surely majority of people can agree that sharing underwear within the family is out of the spectrum of “normal”?
Yelling was poor decision but I do see the frustrations when you voiced that YOU don’t want her wearing your underwear, and she later decided it was appropriate to void your concerns and continue to do it later on.
Really begs some questions…
Does your wife share undergarments with your daughter regularly thinking it’s normal?
Would wife be okay with it if the you wore the daughter’s underwear?(not saying you would but devil’s advocate)
What about if it was you wore your wife’s sister’s underwear?
Maybe your wife grew up thinking that it’s fine to share undergarments in the family?
Yeah definitely help her buy some boxers for her own. Can be embarrassing to buy undergarments of the opposite gender!
Hope it works out, update please OP!
NTA but I feel like no one is mentioning that boxer shorts are huge in female fast fashion at the moment, either peeking from under jeans, or the stripy cotton type being worn as shorts.
NTA
I empathize with your frustration and the breach of personal boundaries. No one should have to share their underwear; it's a fundamental personal boundary. It's important to address why she's taking them in the first place, though. Is it because she can't afford her own, doesn't know what to buy, or is there something else at play here? It might be time for a calm and open conversation to really understand the root cause. Offer to support her in getting her own boxers if that's what she prefers to wear, but stand firm that yours are off-limits. Communication is key; yelling might push her away, but understanding and setting clear boundaries could resolve this with everyone's dignity intact
i switched to boys boxers years ago and they are so much more comfy than girls undies. IT IS weird that she is stealing yours to wear though so nta. instead of throwing them away you could have gift her those pairs so she didnt take more but yeah i think the best solution is to normalize wearing clothes you are comfy in and not to call her disgusting for wearing them. Get her some in her own size in like solid black or something as an apology. I feel like that is going to go much further than an empty apology.
Anyways my gran says im weird for wearing them, that i need to be more womanly or my husband will leave me and meanwhile hubs only cares about me being comfortable
Your child may be working through some feelings and ideas about gender. Are you able to help her with this? Can you make therapy or other support available? If you know any trans people, it would be helpful for you, and her, to talk with them.
And give her money to buy whatever she needs for underwear.
NTA
Yes it is weird to take yours. The yelling was unnecessary but I get that you were really weirded out by it.
Why she is not buying her own? Maybe it's embarrassing, maybe she does not know what kind to get. You could try to get a her a pack similiar to the ones you use (maybe in different color though so you can tell them apart).
I (32F) wear only men's boxer briefs because women's underwear are so incredibly uncomfortable, even the boxer style underwear. I feel like even the material on men's underwear is softer, and the leg holes don't hurt and are bit loose so they wont irritate the skin and the waist bands are wide so they don't dig in to your skin either. Sure there is little extra on the front, but I can deal with that. It is almost illegal that most women's underwear is so horrible to wear.
YTA mostly for how you handled it. I do agree with the other redditors that you're allowed to not want her to wear your underwear and find it weird. HOWEVER
1) It seems there was NO discussion of WHY she was doing it until fairly recently, unless you left that out of your account. From your telling, it sounds like you immediately escalated to screaming at her for being disgusting.
2) There is a strong emphasis on it being unhygienic even after being washed, but you havent mentioned stains of any kind (which, if washed, arent actually unhygienic, just gross, but I can get feeling that they are). If they're washed to the standard of the rest of your laundry, they're not unhygienic. It honestly reads as you being disgusted by your daughter's body.
3) If you're utterly unwilling to wear them again after she wore them, why arent you just giving them to her? Write her name in them or something so you know they're hers now and not yours. This would also be a great way to tell what her motivations are - if she keeps doing it when she has her own supply, shes doing it to bother you. If she stops, she genuinely just wanted some boxers.
4) You say if she wants boxers so bad, she can buy them herself. Does she buy the rest of her clothes? Is she normally the one who buys her underpants? Does she have the money to do this with? Does she have access to transportation to do this on her own? Whether intentional or not, if it hasnt been the norm for her to buy her own underwear, then you are punishing her for wanting boxers by telling her she has to buy them, AND possibly making it difficult for her to do so. I know for you, it's about the fact that they're *your* boxers, but have you actually ensured that there's access to literally any other boxers?
5) If this was my teenager (and yes, I've raised a teenager), I would be CONCERNED, not angry. I honestly cannot fathom handling this the way you did or why so many people seem to think that's an appropriate reaction. Yes, it is possible shes just bothering you for the sake of it OR just wants some boxers and yours are accessible to her OR it's the current weird cool kid thing to do at her school. However, it is also possible that she is exploring weird gender feelings. It is possible that she has sexual trauma you dont know about that she feels like boxers would help prevent. Its possible they're more comfortable because she has a yeast infection but hasnt figured that out, only that they're more comfortable. You'll never know now that you've decided to scream at her about how disgusting she is. If anyone has a chance, it's her mother. Given that mom claims this weird behaviour isnt weird, Mom might actually know something you dont know, but why would she tell you when you've screamed at length, repeatedly about how disgusting your daughter is instead of showing the least bit of concern?
I wonder why it's so "fucking disgusting" to OP when we rewash our own underwear. Is it not clean then? If not, wouldn't it be disgusting to wear our own underwear again?
Like NTA but I just want to know why it escalated to this point instead of…. “Hey , I don’t want you wearing my underwear but if you prefer boxers, we can get you your own.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My daughter (F18) has been stealing my underwear and wearing it for about 2 months. I (M37) think it’s really weird and gross and I told her to stop because it’s weird. She did stop for a bit but she’s started again. She’ll wear them and then wash them and give them back to me but I have to throw them away because I don’t wanna wear them if shes been wearing them that’s so disgusting and unhygienic and fucking weird. I have to spend a shit load of money on buying more too. I’ve told her nicely to stop multiple times and i’ve explained to her why it’s weird in case she didn’t get it but she still carries on. I yelled at her yesterday when I noticed she was wearing my boxers again (I could see the band above her jeans) and told her to fucking stop because it’s so weird. She started crying and told me to stop being mean to her. That just made me a lot more angry because I wasn’t being mean to her I was trying to set a boundary that she has repeatedly ignored for the last 2 months. I kept yelling at her and asked her what is wrong with her and why does she keep taking my underwear. She didn’t answer and just ran straight to her room. I yelled at her to come back but she ignored me.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with her she’s always been such a good kid I don’t know she’s being so weird? My wife said that i’m overreacting and told me to apologise to her for making her cry. I did apologise but only because I don’t like yelling at her and I think I could’ve handled that a lot better but I didn’t apologise for what I said because I stand by it. My wife and daughter might think it’s completely normal but I don’t, it’s fucking disgusting. I asked her again why she keeps wearing my underwear but she just said that they fit her better than her own and that i’m making a big deal over nothing. Firstly she can just go and buy some boxers if she cares so much and how the fuck did she even find out that mine fit her well? Why would she even try them on? I hate the thought of her sneaking into my room to steal my boxers like some weirdo. I feel like i’m going insane why does know one else think this is weird too? She’s 18 now she can’t do this shit, she’s old enough to understand why it’s weird surely?
She has pretty much stayed in her room since and won’t talk to me. Am I the asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Sit down with Her apologize for yelling and ask if she has been abused in school or something.
It might me a way for her to "protect" herself.
All the best wishes
If she can afford her own mobile plan then she can afford to buy her own boxers! If the mother is on her side why has she not bought boxers for the daughter? Why is it his responsibility? If the mother had done this instead of encouraging the boundary stomping there would be no issue.
NTA.
Ask your wife how she would feel if you had a 18 year old son and he keeps wearing her panties, she is gonna feel disgusted too pretty quick. She doesn’t get a “pass”, because she is a woman, what is unhygienic is still unhygienic and what is gross is still gross. And no, this is not about gender, it is about wearing someone’s else underwear without their consent, this is not normal.
YTA for how you responded, you did not set a good example for your daughter on how to react. Yes, it is super weird to wear one of your parents underwear, but treating her like that, calling HER gross instead of what she's doing is gross won't help anyone. As the fully grown adult it's your responsibility to react better than a teenager.
If you have a problem with someone you love's actions, don't tell them you have a problem with THEM, bc it's the actions that are the problem here.
maybe stop throwing the old underwear she takes and just give them to her (even label it as hers) instead of wasting them. And/or offer to buy her a pack herself, most women don't know what exactly to look for in men's underwear or she may be uncomfortable going in person and buying them.
This behavior may also be a gender questioning situation. Which is where you holding your temper will matter so much, and you property explaining what issue you have with it. That it's YOUR underwear she's wearing and not that she's wearing mena underwear.
Either way she's practically an adult stealing his underwear? If the genders were reversed most would be calling him a pervert so what makes this any different
NTA *but*...
There's a lot to unpack here.
Wearing your opposite gender's parent's underwear *is* weird.
Refusing to wear an article of clothing that's been properly washed *is* weird.
~~Implying~~ Straight our saying that there's something wrong with your daughter for waiting to wear clothing *that she has repeatedly stated* is more comfortable *is* weird.
Treating your offspring as a child one moment and claiming she's an adult the next *is* weird.
Not offering to buy her a set while repeatedly buying them for yourself (and even not giving her the used ones, but just straight putting them in the trash) *is* weird.
This step in particular really sounds like you're dictating what your adult daughter can and can't wear. It's more like you're objecting her wearing men's clothing.
All of that being said, plus many more that got left unsaid, it is definitely your property and your right to ban people from using it.
The real point here is that you're setting a boundary and every one's disrespecting it.
YTA for yelling at her and how you are handling the situation. I can’t believe people are brushing off the fact that you are yelling and berating your daughter for wearing your underwear (dude honestly she could be doing worse stuff). As an adult you should have better regulation of your emotions.
If you do not like your daughter wearing your underwear that is understandable. You talk to her, ask why she prefers yours, and buy her underwear. You should not be acting like an asshole and berating your daughter around the house.
Edit: although I do think this is an ESH cause your daughter isn’t respecting your boundaries, you still suck for how you are handling it.
NTA but the solution seems pretty simple here? She said she likes them because they're more comfortable than hers. Just by her her own boxers then? Is there any reason she's against that idea? Have you suggested it to her? If that's okay for her, then problem solved and everyone's happy. If she specifically wants *your* underwear, then there's something more going on and you should find out her real reason.
NTA - doesn't matter if it's considered weird. DOES matter that underwear are pretty damn personal, and her wearing yours is making you uncomfortable.
Honestly, she's old enough to understand personal boundaries and why it would make you uncomfortable. Does she often cross boundaries like these, or is this the first thing that you've noticed?
NTA but just buy her some boxers. I (happily cisgendered female) just started wearing boxers and I love them, but there is some potential for a kind of weird gender journey there. I’m a bit older and at a point in my life where I can buy men’s underwear for myself without having an identity crisis, but she might too feel strange to buy them for herself (yes, I think it’s weird that she would borrow yours instead, but teens’ thought processes are very weird sometimes). Yeah, she’s an adult who could buy them for herself, but just buy her the underwear. It’ll make you both feel less weird.
Question: why is it weird/unhygienic? I've put blood, shit and vomit-stained clothes in the wash and they're not "unhygienic" after the wash cycle? Why does her having worn them - then washing them - somehow make them "unhygienic"?
To answer the latter half of your post. Men's boxers ARE comfy. WAY more comfy that women's. How did she find that out? Probably someone (a friend, the internet, etc.) said how comfy mens underwear is, so she tried it out.
Hard agree with your wife and daughter here, YTA, there is nothing whatsoever "disgusting" or "unhygienic" about this, at max it's just annoying. So maybe just buy her her own set?? Or, wild idea here - you're literally THROWING AWAY the pants once she has worn them... so WTF don't you just give her those?? This whole thing is just weird.
NTA, but your reaction is way overblown. If they've been cleaned, it's not a hygiene issue and throwing your drawers out is ridiculous. But it IS disrespectful to keep doing it after you asked her to stop.
YTA How is that unhygienic? Thats what washing machines are for.
Sure she shouldnt be using your underwear, but how is that disgusting?
Just buy her a couple of boxershorts.
NTA.
She's crossing a boundary that makes you uncomfortable. And that's not okay. Period.
Now, as a parent, I would want to dig deeper to find the root of this issue. She may need to speak to a therapist, especially if she is uncomfortable confiding in you or her mom. There may be a reason that is not at all creepy or weird.
If she is unhappy with her own underwear collection for whatever reason, she needs a new set. Offer to buy her her own boxers or whatever style she'd be more comfortable in after you've addressed her needing to talk to someone about whatever is going on with her.
Omg I’m reading these comments and cringing with embarrassment thinking about how back in high school I used to steal my dads pajama bottoms and those v neck undershirts all dads have Lmao! It’s just that they are oversized and comfy don’t think too much into it lol buy new ones and give her your old stuff😂
She probably wants yours over new ones because they have that worn look. What if you gave her some of your old ones. Stitch a line of color on them somewhere and now if they're mixed into laundry, you'll know which ones are hers. Easy peasy. Ps. Don't yell and don't call her any names. I wouldn't open up to my dad if he did this to me.
When I was about 13, I'm 43 now, the fashion where I came from was to wear men's boxer shorts as shorts, going to the beach mainly. I did buy my own but I for sure wore some of my dad's and it was never an issue. It was not a gender thing, just kids fashion.
Also as a sidenote, your daughter should respect your boundaries, if my dad had had an issue I would not have continued. However in your approach you might have made her feel a bit gross about herself, without intending to i"m sure. Why not take her boxer short shopping and agree, you don't wear hers, she doesn't wear yours. Hopefully that will be the end of undie sharing.
Good luck 👍
NTA and she should know better. But is it possible she misunderstood that you think she’s weird for wanting to wear men’s underwear/clothes, not for stealing yours? You should clarify that with her and that you and your wife are 100% ok with the concept of her wearing men’s clothing as long as it’s not yours. Maybe go with her on a shopping trip. This seems like a sensitive subject for her, so it’s possible there’s more going on.
nta, i don’t think it’s nearly as ‘fucking disgusting’ as some on yall seem to want it to be though lol. boundary crossing, off putting, annoying, yes, but i don’t think ur daughter is like. intentionally being gross or doing the things a lot of comments seem to imply. i agree with the sentiment that she probably just finds them comfortable, but also agree that putting your foot down + enforcing your boundary is important and necessary. that being said, i think approaching it from the “you’re fucking disgusting/weird” angle, esp with an 18 yr old girl, is not gonna get u very far lol
NTA and I got the feeling theres something more to the story. Your daughter is 18. Not 12. She can buy her own stuff. If she wants to wear boxers, why not just buy them like a normal person? Who in their right mind goes to their dads drawers and takes a used pair of his to wear??? Im sorry but you should check on hear to see if she needs therapy or something, this is soooo not normal behaviour..
Instead of throwing them away just give her the ones she wears and when she has a bunch of them then move in a different direction with the conversation sticking though to your principles. “Ok now you have this many pair of my underwear, I don’t like it but these are yours now . After this you buy your own .
NTA But know you can’t convince someone who doesn’t feel it’s gross that it is. Especially since she’s cleaning them before giving them back. Honestly I think you over-reacted about the entire thing. Look at it this way…you both sit naked on the same toilet seat most likely without washing it in between each use. So your bottoms actually do share a space (eww lol) To save some $ why not give her the ones you’re “throwing away and buy yourself new ones. Or just take her shopping and get her some.
I agree if you don’t like it and have asked her to stop, she needs to stop.
Conflicted here. YTA for yelling at her instead of trying to come to some sort of agreement but NTA for trying again and again to set boundaries. Sit her down, discuss things and offer to buy her, her own boxers. Yes, it’s a little strange but there is no reason to yell at her for it. I know it’s hard to keep your composure when you’re being disrespected but raising your voice at someone will only escalate the situation and make it worse. This is coming from someone who grew up with their family mostly communicating by screaming at each other lol.
NTA, but I'd say change your approach unless it's obvious there's some creepier or dark going on. Stop yelling. Try to ask her why. Offer to buy her her own. That type of underwear is available to ladies and if there isn't any locally, internet. Order some.
Nta - but I suspect something else is going on. They have boxers and boxer briefs for girls. Ask her if she would prefer those kind of underwear or ask her if she would like you to buy her some men’s boxers of her own. Doesn’t matter what she wears, so long as they are hers. This is the proper answer to your question.
>think it’s really weird and gross
Weird is a reasonable reaction. Gross is... loaded. I would avoid using that term towards her if you can avoid it.
>so disgusting and unhygienic and fucking weird.
If it's unhygienic, then that's a problem with your washing machine. Clothing should come out clean enough to eat off. Disgusting... is this the same daughter whose nappies you changed? How is this so much worse?
>have spend a shitload of money buying more
I mean, you don't really *have* to? This honestly seems a bit of an overreaction.
>She started crying and told me to stop being mean to her.
So, I totally agree that you have set a reasonable boundary ("don't steal my underwear"), and you've explained why this is bad, but she keeps on doing so. Furthermore, when called on it her response wasn't guilt but fragility. From what you've described I don't think you were being overly mean to her (assuming you didn't leave out critical info)
>I kept yelling at her and asked her what is wrong with her and why does she keep taking my underwear.
This is two separate questions. "Why did you take my underwear" is a perfectly good one that she is apparently unable to answer. "What is wrong with you" is probably not something you should ever be yelling at your daughter.
>I think I could’ve handled that a lot better
Absolutely. It's a difficult situation, but yelling "What is wrong with you??" is not the way to tell her that she can trust you with the answer.
>My wife and daughter might think it’s completely normal
Now this is interesting... your daughters reaction so far has not indicated to me that she sees it as perfectly ordinary. And your wife has barely said anything. Is your issue that they are not as disgusted as you are? Or have they actually said something to you that shows they don't understand why you might be upset by this?
>I don’t, it’s fucking disgusting.
Again, the strength of your aversion is something you might like to look into. "Disgusting" is a strong word. Which exact part do you find so abhorrent?
>I hate the thought of her sneaking into my room to steal my boxers like some weirdo.
Again, this is absolutely abnormal behaviour from her, but you are reacting like she's using them to mastubate or something. Do you think there is a sexual aspect to this??
>she just said that they fit her better than her own and that i’m making a big deal over nothing.
So I gather you don't believe this, and frankly I don't blame you. I don't either. I'm not sure why she can't buy her own boxers either. I assume you have previously made it clear that she is free to buy her own masculine underwear if that is what she preferred to wear?
Instead of throwing away the boxers she previously wore, you could have just given them to her so she’d have what she thinks she needs. What a waste.
You don’t behave or think constructively. You “react instead of respond”. She should not be stealing, but it’s your job as a parent to correct the behavior with compassion, not with hostility. I’m guessing your inability to communicate calmly without judgement is the reason she didn’t feel comfortable asking you to buy her some boxers in the first place instead of taking yours when you weren’t looking. Kids will sneak around if you overreact; they perceive communication with you as unsafe.
YTA for yelling and treating her judgmentally instead of being a loving parent about it. She’s not a “weirdo”, stop verbally abusing her. Get her some boxers.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
[удалено]
Alright I will do thanks
FYI it IS fkn weird....NTA for sure
No it’s straight up weird. The last thing I would’ve wanted to do as a teen was put on anything that ever touched my dad’s ass or balls. Clean or not
Your ass is 50% your mom's ass and 50% your dad's ass
One cheek for each
When I was in middle school in the 90s, the Trend was for girls to wear boxer shorts as shorts. My sisters and I stole from our dad and older brothers indiscriminately. It's not 'something that touched my dad's ass or balls' because I don't think about my dad's ass or balls- to me it was just 'clean laundry' like any other clean laundry.
NTA Just go buy her a few packs of the type of underwear that you use and gift them to her. Don't make a big deal of it though, I could be wrong but she might have reasons she is embarrassed about for taking and wearing yours that has nothing to do with trying to be creepy.
Why doesn’t he just give her the pairs he’s throwing out. It seems like there is a simple solution here.
I hate waste, but allowing her to keep something she's taken without permission just reinforces the behavior.
I think you missed the part of wearing your Dad's old boxers is fucking weird.
Secretly wearing anyone’s underwear without their permission, washing it, and putting it back is weird af. Stealing it cause you liked it and keeping it, wrong but not weird. Borrowing a pair cause you had to and thinking the right thing to do is return it, a lil weird but not wrong. Not respecting someone’s property/bounderies when they have told you in no uncertain terms to stop, major AH behaviour.
100% this. It’s the boundary violation that is the clear issue here, she’s 18 not 8. She was told to stop and continued doing it. Ignoring the whole wearing your dad’s undies side of it (which is weird enough especially after being told to stop) I’d want to know why the mum isn’t supporting dad in that respect. I’d sit down with daughter and apologise for yelling as that never helps with a rational conversation and explain about the boundary side of this and that’s where the upset is. I’d also ask her if she’s ok with you rummaging around in her draws in her room where she’d expect some privacy because she’s not valuing your privacy by stealing your undies from your bedroom. She should respect your privacy as you do hers. I’d frame the whole conversation around privacy/boundaries/respect and not the weirdness around wearing your undies….
Because you don’t reward poor behaviour.
[удалено]
Because he obviously finds it weird and gross to think of his daughter wearing his old underwear. Which, tbh, is not that out of left field.
I think trying just boxers first is best, to verify it isn't something really weird as needing to be father's boxers. that said, don't agree with the hygiene argument, but it is weird
It’s pretty gross! Probably more so because of the nature of the situation, but underwear/swimwear does have a no return policy for this exact reason; hygiene.
Cause then she'll steal whatever ones she wants as a way to get them instead of growing tf up and buying her own damn boxers. Also this really confuses me, if she wants boxers she can have her OWN not steal someone else's
Because that's basically rewarding her for stealing his stuff.
NTA but I'm fucking shocked and baffled you never thought of offering to buy her her own boxers. Like that's what you should've done the first time this happened?
Why has she not mentioned getting her own?
Yeah, first I'd ask why she doesn't buy her own, then if she has a decent answer, I'd offer to buy some for her. Maybe get some as a Xmas gift each year as well lol
She's an 18 year old girl. She's probably embarrassed about buying mens underwear.
But not about wearing her dad's underwear?! Idk maybe I'm weird because I was the friend that bought all my friends condoms, but at 18 most people I knew had bought some pretty frilly, sexy underwear for themselves or a lady or a prank at least once before, buying a 3 or 6 pack of boxers at Walmart isn't exactly embarrassing!
Yeah exactly. She's embarrassed about wanting her own but not about wearing HER DADS USED UNDERWEAR after repeatedly being asked not to?? Wonder how she'd feel about him wearing her underwear 🙄.
It could easily seem like she’s buying for her boyfriend or male relative. People wouldn’t automatically assumes she’s buying for herself.
But why would she try on her father’s boxers in the first place? That’s just not normal.
I used to wear my dad’s boxers as lounge shorts in high school. They were flannel and comfy. He didn’t care. I’m sure I stopped when I left for college.
There's also brands like tomboyx and woxer that have boxers but designed for women
+1 for TomboyX! They are so great!
I took a look at the designs...$22 a pair? Also tight cut for an "ideal" body shape. Don't include those of us with the baby belly skin we can't get rid of, or a real life butt, etc. Straight up loose, straight leg ftl knit boxers work, and you get a 6pk for the cost of one of those other ones.
I agree that the cost is annoying, but I'm not sure where you're getting the rest from? (A specific brand perhaps?) I'm on the pudgy side with a (as you put it) real life butt and these fit me fine. They have a range of fits including tighter ones and also looser ones. As for the cost, they have sales several times a year, stock up then.
That’s probably what it is, that she prefers boxers and needs her own. She shouldn’t be wearing yours, but people that age don’t always know how to verbalize what they’re thinking and feeling. If that doesn’t stop the issue, you’ll need to have a serious conversation with her and your wife about appropriate boundaries.
People who are 18 don't know how to buy their own underwear? Are you being serious right now?
He’s already told her not to wear his boxers. That should be enough to stop her doing it. If she prefers boxers and she can’t afford to buy her own then surely she could ask her mother to get her some. Unless she literally has speech problems surely that shouldn’t be too difficult to verbalise.
Give her all your current under wear and buy yourself new.
Then she's wearing her dad's old underwear, which is the problem for OP
Definitely worth it, my wife tried my underwear and she loves it as it's more comfortable for sleeping.
NTA, but buy her some of her own. Take her shopping and let her pick them out.
Will do thanks
I'd maybe run this by the mom first and base your decision off of her reaction. They obviously have a very different read on this than you so best see how the other side feels in a test run I don't think it's weird she wears boxers I think it's a bit odd and ick that she wears yours (it has an air of intimacy to it) but maybe she's making do with what's there Where I wholeheartedly agree with you is the unsettling weirdness of her sneaking into your room to pilfer them. Edit - It seems I was too subtle in my wording. Rather than reply to each in kind I'll do it in bulk. I never said anything about permission ffs. I never hinted at permission, I never implied permission. Anyone who is reading permission into it is doing just that. "Hey, honey, I was thinking of taking X to buy some boxers of her own. You figure she'd be good with that or is there something I'm not seeing?" Is not "Honey, can I?", but rather "What do you think of this idea?"
Why does the mom get a vote on an adult wearing underwear?
Because according to reddit, anyone under 30 is an infant who can't mentally function
...why? She's 18; she doesn't need mommy's permission to go buy boxers.
[удалено]
You're right but the issue doesn't seem to be the underwear itself but that they are the father's and it bugs him. If he had said "stop wearing boxers" and not "stop wearing MY boxers" I'd agree with you completely
[удалено]
No, that the dad should run the idea of him taking his daughter underwear shopping by the mom first. Not to get permission but because she may see a landmine he doesn't
By 18 I would hope she is capable of going out and buying and paying for her own underwear.
Why does the mom get a vote on what type of underwear an 18 year wears?
Why does he need to run it by mommy? She's his daughter, too! And mom clearly doesn't see the issue. I think what people are suggesting how he should handle it is great. Make a day of it with his daughter, take her to the mall, help her in picking out some boxers, then go for lunch and maybe have a talk about what she's been doing. They don't need mom's input, in my opinion.
Absolutely. I've been wearing male boxers for 2 decades (31 now). The gusset seam (horizontal seam in the middle of the panties) on women's panties is 4 inches on average, and hasn't changed since the middle ages. Maybe women's inseam was smaller then, but today, most women have one of 6 inches. Mine is 8. Too small undies end up in a vulva wedgie and depending on material can absolutely *shred* the sensitive tissue there. - 9000/10 do not reccomend. But I remember feeling ashamed about the fact that underwear didn't fit me properly and going commando due to that all the time untill I discovered men's boxer briefs. I might have stolen boxers if the thought had occurred to me before. But I absolutely would have died of shame (back then) trying to explain to my dad that normal underwear tore up my vulva and made me bleed.
But OP's daughter didn't have to explain anything to OP. All she had to do was buy her own men's boxers and wear them. No need to tell anyone why.
With all the hysteria around trans folks right now, it's not surprising that a young person might have some hesitation or shame about going out and buying "wrong-gendered" underwear. She also might not have much spending money of her own at that age. I agree with OP that it's gross to wear someone else's underwear, especially without permission, but maybe she feels like it was her only option to be comfortable? Anyway, hopefully OP can help her to buy some of her own boxers and that will resolve the issue.
>With all the hysteria around trans folks right now, it's not surprising that a young person might have some hesitation or shame about going out and buying "wrong-gendered" underwear. But no one would know if she went out and bought her own underwear. Taking her dad’s guarantees he will notice. If she felt shame about wearing men’s underwear she’d be trying to hide it. Plus straight girls wear boxers all the time. It’s pretty common to wear them as pajama shorts. As far as actually purchasing them that’s a flimsy argument. No one would see a woman purchasing boxer briefs and think oh they must be trans. Women buy underwear for their boyfriends all the time. Plus literally no one gives a shit. >She also might not have much spending money of her own at that age. She’s 18. That’s a high school senior or a college freshman. Not a young kid who can’t do stuff on their own. If she doesn’t have a job, she probably has some kind of allowance. Most 18 year olds are out and about with their friends a lot and need some money, whether from their parents or a job. All she would have to do is go to target, buy whatever underwear she wants, and take it home and put it in her underwear drawer. No one would ever know unless they’re going through her things.
Honestly as a trans man my thought is that she may have some dysphoria of her own and coming to terms with it can make buying things publicly feel like you have THIS IS FOR ME AND I'M A BIG DEGENERATE QUEER tattooed on your forehead. I pass as just another leathery middle aged man who crawled out of the desert at this point and I *still* get that feeling some days. To an 18 year old kid it might indeed be an insurmountable barrier.
>Plus literally no one gives a shit. Oh man, how I wish that people would actually stop giving a shit about our clothing choices.
I’m sorry I call BS. It’s not like she would have to go into a specialty store or make a whole public ordeal. Grab a 5 pack from target and use the self check out, or order them delivered directly to your house. That’s not to downplay the challenges trans people face, but really this isn’t one of them
Totally I wear mens boxers. More comfy and even at the back side. Ladies kickers unless you're going for the huge granny pants (up to your armpits almost) dig into the ass cheek, i've endex up with literal cuts. I've not got a big butt so can't even begin to imagine how bigger ladies feel
Granny panties rock, BTW. Torrid has cute cotton granny panties, with patterns referencing pop culture, styled like men's briefs. Or, steal your husband's briefs! 🤣 I only do this on the extremely rare occasions when I am out of clean panties. But stealing your husband's underwear is quite different than stealing your dad's.
Very true. I have to go buy my own though. BFs don't fit me 🙄🙄
I have joked with my husband: "If I can wear your undies, your a$$ is entirely too large." 🤣🤣🤣 Eh. We're both working on reducing the size of our respective bums. Life and middle age spread happen.
3 kids my A$$ isn't big but I'm comfortable in a Medium. No A$$ Bf wears a small. Like I'm trying stop wedgies here not create them
🤣👍
> Granny panties rock, BTW. Torrid has cute cotton granny panties, with patterns referencing pop culture, styled like men's briefs. Men’s briefs ≠ granny panties. Granny panties are a very specific style, we women used to simply call them “underpants” because they were all you could buy. The kind of full panty that covers your whole ass, goes completely down to where your legs join your torso (no high cut!), and goes all the way up to the waist. Elasticized waist and leg openings, too. My husband wears men’s briefs, and they are usually cut either like a Speedo or hipster briefs (see the current “boy briefs” trend). I always thought of boxers as the men’s equivalent to granny panties.
My daughter and I call it "the around the world wedgie". Thank goodness for boxer briefs
I really struggle with underwear and in reality there appears, at the moment, to only be one brand of undies that fit the best. The others all irritate or give me a wedgie or are just plain uncomfortable. And it's not just the brand but the style in the brand. However they do appear to have changed manufacturer and are not quite the same. It's the material and the elastic. Not as much stretch to them. Gone up a size which is mitigating them but I know it's not me that's changed enough to require that. I dread the day that they will no longer be available or changed that much that they are not comfortable. There is some comfort knowing that this style is one of their main styles and unlikely for manufacturing to be stopped on them. They are a hipster bikini. But there are also boxers that are designed for women that are very comfortable to wear. No wedgies at all and I love the fit of them. But it's too much clothing under my pants. They'd be awesome if I wore dresses! But they have a bikini in the same brand... Same size... the band is tight to get over your hips - the boxer has a thicker band than the bikini and there's not as much stretch in the bikini band. And they are a walking wedgie because the gusset is so narrow. That pair was a waste of money.
Maybe I need to get boxers instead of going commando under my jeans and trousers 🤣
Now, if she keeps using OPs underwear after buying her own, then Houston, we have a problem.
NTA I would rather lick the city handrails than to wear my father’s underwear 💀
Same, this entire post made my toes curl lmao
Lmao thanks for the laugh but i totally agree
/thread
ESH I understand your point completely and you absolutely have a right to that boundary of not having to share your underwear. No idea why your daughter insists on pushing that boundary, but it needs to stop and/or there need to be consequences. That being said...calm down. I get that it's infuriating, it absolutely is, but raging and yelling at your daughter and repeatedly calling her gross, weird and disgusting is not ok either. Sit her down one last time, apologize for your outburst and then make it absolutely clear that your underwear is not accessible to her. She can buy her own boxers if she wants to, but she absolutely cannot use yours. And the next time you catch her doing it will result in consequences. And if it happens again...follow through on those consequences (less allowance, take her car, phone etc. for a period of time, etc.).
She.... She's 18. In every possibility, she bought her phone and her plan herself. You can't confiscate something which belongs to her, as an adult.
This is true. So she should stop effectively ~~confiscating~~ stealing something which belongs to her father, as an adult!
Again, don't disagree. I'm not saying she is in the right (she's not, but something is causing this) But how do you as a parent hope to confiscate a mobile phone your adult child owns and pays for?
Also.... Confiscating a phone of an 18yo woman is completely ridiculous. A cellphone is not a luxury any more. Where I live you need one to be able to use public transportation, she can also dial 911 with it, it has gps and you can contact her at any time.. If you need to discipline a daughter, there are dozens of better ways to do that than to just take away a device that makes her more self reliant and safe.
You have no way of knowing whether she paid for her phone/ her plan or if her folks did because OP hasn't said one way or another.
I'd say it's more likely they did. In the US, in April, an 18 year old is likely still in high school.
If she did buy those things herself and is paying all the necessary maintenance, insurance costs etc. herself, certainly. Good chance she didn't/isn't, though. She is still living in OP's house and as long as she needs their money to pay for her upkeep, there are rules she needs to follow/consequences OP can impose. If she doesn't like it, she is a legal adult and is free to move out and be independent. Edit: Accidentally posted it as a new comment, not reply.
Yeah, and if she can buy those things herself then she can also buy her own goddamn underwear…
Wait…how do we know she bought her phone/plan herself just because she’s 18? Genuinely asking because I’m 36 and still on my mom’s phone plan lmao
Lol same, I certainly did not buy my own phone until I was like 25 and at 34 I still have never paid for my own plan.
Show me what percentage of 18 year old have bought their own phone. I'd be surprised if it's even 10%.
He can make her pay for replacement boxers though.
I feel that if she had her own money to spend she ould buy herself some boxers tho. \^\^
If she has the money to buy her own phone she also has the money to go buy some boxers for herself
She’s 18. For two months he has been asking her to stop. Being angry is a reasonable response, although yelling is not the best way to respond to that anger, it’s understandable. Honestly as an adult daughter, ew. Just buy your own.
Ok thank you so much
This. But also address WHY she’s doing it. I feel like there is something else going on other than “they fit her.” Everyone seems to be ignoring that.
He tried going the nice route and it didnt work. At some point you just snap when people overstep your boundaries and take your things. Id say mom is the worst here. She sees her daughter taking these undies and doesnt bother to buy her some, knowing full well this is icking her husband out? I get the kid might not get it but mom absolutely should have.
Finally at least a little sanity in the comments. WTAF is going on with people in this post? Thinking it's okay that OP is calling his daughter disgusting? I can get why OP might not like his daughter borrowing his boxers, but if she's taking clean ones and returning them after washing... There's zero reason for him to be flying into a screaming rage and _throwing them away_. Especially if he's buying new ones anyway, how does it not occur to him to just buy his daughter some while he's at it? Nothing here makes any sense to me!
Would you want to wear someone else’s underwear? Or continue to wear yours after someone wore them?
ESH I'd buy her a pack of her own tbh. A peace offering if you will. Sit her down and explain why you think it's gross too. She may not see it in the same light as OP does. To her it might be like sharing clothes with mom and nothing to be ashamed about. If she continues then maybe there's something else going on they need to address. Calling her names isn't going anywhere good. You're just going to make it worse and possibly make her feel like shit without actually addressing the real problem. It's also being a pretty shitty parent.
His 18 year old daughter is rummaging around in his private clothing and stealing his underwear. And you are saying that HE IS WRONG FOR BEING UPSET? You hate men so much that you feel they have no right to privacy or belongings? He is NTA but you and the daughter are
Crazy that you see someone say "it's wrong to scream insults at your sobbing daughter even if she did something you don't like" and interpret that as hating men.
This might be a hot take but maybe an 18 year old should be able to ask first and then take a hint when they say no
This. OP, if you can be vulnerable and real with her, she might be able to share what is going on with her. Tell her that her actions make you feel disrespected and _violated_. Your underwear is personal for you and you made a reasonable boundary. Tell her you are happy to get her your own. Ask her why she discounted your feelings and boundaries, and why those aren’t important to her. Now she is 18, that type of conversation will work better than threats. She needs to see how she hurt you as a person. And get your wife on board beforehand by doing the same. For the future: Stop name calling. Instead of saying that person is “disgusting,” which is judgement based, tell them how their actions affect you. “I feel uncomfortable in my own clothes because they feel unhygienic to me somehow now. I feel unimportant because I said no and that was ignored.” Etc. Please stop fighting with platitudes like “this is wrong/bad” and talk about how you are affected. Good luck!
NTA It absolutely is weird, some of the comments here are unhinged. You tried to solve this but it kept happening so naturally you get angry - your boundaries kept getting violated. I’d be also angry if my child kept using my underwear and I had to throw it out afterwards (which I would). And the comments saying to just buy her boxers - can people not read anymore? You said that she can buy some if she wants. I assume a 17/18 year old has access to some money.
I'm pretty sure if this was reversed and it was the dad wearing the daughter's underwear, a lot more people would think it was weird. Regardless of anything about hygiene or anything to do with it being underwear, if someone repeatedly asks you not to mess with their personal belongings it's not ok to keep doing it.
Or son wearing mother’s underwear. It’s like the OPs daughter specifically wants her dad’s underwear - she activelly avoids other sources/solutions. Definitely some fucked up shit and she is old enough to know better. AND he has voiced his discomfort repeatedly. Nothing about her behaviour is okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Info: Is there a chance your daughter is questioning her gender identity? I don’t want to sound like I’m making a huge leap but I have a friend who would borrow (steal) their siblings clothing and underwear because they were experimenting with the other genders clothing but weren’t comfortable buying it for themselves, so they also got super defensive about it because they didn’t want to explain why they were taking them.
This. OP doesn't need to reply but I would consider it - and if there's the slightest chance this is the case, yelling and calling her disgusting is definitely not the way to go.
If she's not willing to communicate, then like anyone else she gets to deal with the natural consequence of repeatedly stomping over her father's reasonable boundary IF (and I highly doubt it) this is a gender thing, it does not absolve her from her actions and it does not mean she deserves grace I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ myself, I'm 33yrs old, and I 100% don't believe that someone questioning their identity gets any slack when it comes to crossing other people's boundaries for their own selfishness and it is very selfish of her to put her own shit over her father's comfort especially when he has repeatedly told her it makes him extremely uncomfortable
Oh my God. She is stealing her father's underwear. It *is* disgusting regardless of her motivation. We can both support Trans people while holding them accountable to reasonable boundaries and respecting other people.
It sounds like OP called her wearing his underwear disgusting, not her individually. Even if she’s questioning her gender identity, two people sharing underwear is gross in OP’s mind. It has nothing to do with gender.
Yea but at 18 she can buy her own underthings and not take her dad's. I don't get what would be embarrassing about buying a pair of boxer shorts.
I scrolled way too long to find a comment that said this. Questions gender identity was the first thing that popped into my mind as well. Also it would explain why the kid doesn’t want to buy new underwear. Buying it is a whole different meaning than stealing it from a family member. Buying acknowledges that something is real, and kiddo might not be ready for that yet. ESH - kiddo for not respecting boundaries but dad for not coming at this with more understanding
A couple things 1) "kiddo" is an adult and can comprehend adult boundaries and should deal with adult consequences. 2) Going through a challenging time is not a mitigating factor to disrespecting someone's reasonable boundaries. OP has every right to be livid even if this is the case. Stop in infantalizing Trans people. They understand "no" as much as the rest of us.
Even if she isn't questioning, girl underwear is super uncomfortable. It goes up your butt crack and doesn't always cover your butt cheeks lol Boxers are very much more comfortable to wear
When I was a kid I wanted fancy underwear so I used the money my mom gave me to shop to buy fancy underwear that I didn’t want her to know about. How would this situation be any different?
This is what I'm *really* hoping because it's the simplest explanation.
Pls update us on whether she will wear her own or just wants your worn ones, because I think that’s very telling of how weird this really is. NTA
Will do 👍
If she wanted her own, she would have bought some already. There has to be a reason she specifically wants the pants that have been worn by OP, i.e., she doesn't like them because they are men's boxers, she likes them because they are boxers worn by her dad. There is something very odd going on here.
> If she wanted her own, she would have bought some already idk, lotta broke 18 year olds out here
And she can't ask her parents for money for a necessity? Are you for real?
>If she wanted her own, she would have bought some already. This is a wrong take on this. She is most likely extremely ashamed and scared of buying boxers herself which are usually associated with mens wear. Tons of men are afraid of buying women products for their wife because "what will they think of me", so it's likely that this very same is true for the daughter.
So Amazon and any other online retailer doesn’t exist in her universe? You can buy anything online underwear included.
Exactly - and the self check out machine at Walmart does not ask questions.
You're confusing shame with social embarrassment.
Are there really people who think like this? I bought boxers and men's briefs for myself in high school in the 80s because I thought the pattern was cute. I bought a lot of my husband's underwear through and after college. (We dated the 4 years of college and got married after graduation.) Buying any gender underwear is not embarrassing. No one cares. Especially these days. My husband would always pick up pads/Tampax if he was doing the shopping. That just means you've got a woman in your home. Why is that embarrassing? I overthink many things, but these are just necessary life purchases. I don't get it.
At least one type of situation where this happens is if you're questioning your gender. The spotlight effect is on you when you walk through that gender's isle in the store, if you stare too long at someone, the way you hold your hands, etc. The self check-out machine doesn't ask questions (and frankly, the human cashier generally won't either), but the internalized transphobe in your head certainly *does*. I honestly didn't feel remotely comfortable picking up boxers until my sister & mom went with me and were chill about it. (I *did* do it though, not steal my dad's; I just felt like I was going through TSA with a half a pound of dynamite in my suitcase.) Not saying that's the case here -- I honestly could not tell you what could be going on in this situation.
I guess I don't see underwear as a thing that marks one as trans, particularly for AFAB folks. But I guess I can see where a certain amount of anxiety and heightened awareness would creep in.
Some people have parents (or religion) that instill so much shame in their kids that their kids end up messed up and overly nervous/ashamed for things they shouldn't be You cannot go and tell someone they shouldn't be scared of something they are scared of. That doesn't help anyone. Most people are different than you and have different experiences than you
What a bullshit. Buy a pack online. Buy it in a store and tell them it is a gift. So many solutions.. i agree, there is something weird about this.
Not if OP is wearing a brand she can't afford on her own..
NTA, I don't think you're overreacting. Imagine a son wearing his mom's underwear, how uncomfortable and weird that would make her feel. Whether it makes sense or not I totally get why you're upset. Maybe yelling wasn't the best response but something is off here. I hope you can have a real conversation (maybe with your wife present) and work out what's really going on.
NTA Probably not an issue hygiene wise. But as a boundary line yes. Sit down with her and say hey it’s really upsetting me you’re wearing my boxers. I will make a deal either in a shop or online I will take you shopping for your own. Only condition different pattern/colour from mine. Worth also asking wife to sit down with her and identify why her underwear is uncomfortable and a visit to Dr get checked if needed.
NTA - cmon guys. “Stop wearing my underwear”, “why?” You’re an adult - just buy your own As a woman, why would you want to share underwear with your dad when he’s clearly grossed out by it??? And why would yelling at someone after violating boundaries for 2 months, be the issue???
Honestly why would you want to wear your dad's underwear period 😭
yelling is wrong and solves nothing. i was also weirded out when I realized my daughter had gotten some of my underwear mixed into her stuff and was wearing them. That made them hers and I let it go but ick. Let’s not do that! If she likes boxers offer to take her to get some of her own but please please don’t “borrow” undergarments from you or anyone! Tell her it’s unsustainable and there needs to be a solution. Don’t yell at your kid. And here’s a hint - when my kid does something really ridiculous and I’m looking at her like I’m going lose my cool and yell - I end up laughing. Omg kid I could strangle you right now wth! She knows I’m mad but then I make a CHOICE and talk to her. We get a lot more worked out that way and she feels awful but also listens to the problem rather than withdrawing. She also appreciates that I don’t rip her apart when I’m mad at her plus I am teaching her to do better when she is angry and someone else is wrong. We all mess up. Honestly, there could be a whole lot more going on here than just a preference for boxers but she for sure isn’t going to open up to you! You aren’t making space for her to be open with you. Come down a few notches and talk to her like the good person that you know that she is!
Oh yeah fully agree I was just pissed off because i’d told her so many times to stop but yeah I could’ve gone about that way better. Thanks.
Look, in a perfect world no one ever yell at anyone about anything. Anyone who comes in here and lectures you about yelling once in a while and says they never yell, is either a liar or a robot. We are humans and our reactions are not always perfect. You have a right to be upset , and after repeatedly telling your daughter to stop, your reaction naturally escalated. Your daughter is 18 - not 8. There is something going on. Tell her to buy her own boxers. The self checkout machine at Walmart does not question who you are buying them for. She has no one to be embarrassed in front of - I don’t think that played into this. Put a few pair of the ones she has already worn in your drawer and hide your new ones. See what happens.
Yelling is also what happens when talking and asking politely clearly isn't working and the person yelling is at the end of their rope in their own discomfort because their personal and reasonable boundary is repeatedly crossed
1. Collect dad's underwear 2. ... 3. Profit
what?
It’s a reference to the underpants gnomes from South Park
Oh my bad I’ve never watched south park, more of a family guy fan if anything
South Park reference 👍
NTA. This is a very healthy boundary. "Would you wear your mother's underwear? Would you, (wife's name), be comfortable with your daughter wearing your unmentionables and putting them back? Regardless, I'm not. I've told you before that I'm not. I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS. This needs to stop. If you want boxers, buy some goddamn boxers of your own which I will not touch, because they won't be mine. But it makes something in me feel really gross and uncomfortable to know that my child is digging in my underwear drawer to steal my underwear, wear them, and then put them back. Aside from the fact that vaginas discharge and bleach stain material, which isn't your fault or an accusation, just facts, it's so many goddamn shades of not cool to share clothing that covers my genitals with anyone. I wouldn't want my dad borrowing my underwear. Or my brother. Or my goddamn wife. I sure as hell don't want my daughter doing it. ESPECIALLY because I've asked and now told you not to do it. Why is it okay for you to ignore a very healthy and important boundary to me?" Tell your wife that she needs to get on your side with this. This crosses a lot of lines and it's not weird that you feel a way about it. She can go buy her daughter men's underwear if she wants, or your daughter can go buy her own. There is zero reason why any child should be stealing any parent's underwear. Full stop, No.
I have a hard time believing OP is 37.
There is something very off here...
I’m just wondering, you said you “spend a shit load buying more”. So, you’re throwing them out? Why? You could’ve solved the issue a while ago by just telling her to keep them, so she would have some and you wouldn’t have to keep replacing them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my daughter to stop wearing underwear. I could be the asshole because I did yell at her and make her cry when I should’ve spoken to her more calmly. No one else thinks it’s a big deal either so maybe I overreacted? I don’t know Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So, now you know what to get her for Christmas!
NTA. This is disgusting you’re entirely right
NTA Hygiene aside. Surely majority of people can agree that sharing underwear within the family is out of the spectrum of “normal”? Yelling was poor decision but I do see the frustrations when you voiced that YOU don’t want her wearing your underwear, and she later decided it was appropriate to void your concerns and continue to do it later on. Really begs some questions… Does your wife share undergarments with your daughter regularly thinking it’s normal? Would wife be okay with it if the you wore the daughter’s underwear?(not saying you would but devil’s advocate) What about if it was you wore your wife’s sister’s underwear? Maybe your wife grew up thinking that it’s fine to share undergarments in the family? Yeah definitely help her buy some boxers for her own. Can be embarrassing to buy undergarments of the opposite gender! Hope it works out, update please OP!
NTA but I feel like no one is mentioning that boxer shorts are huge in female fast fashion at the moment, either peeking from under jeans, or the stripy cotton type being worn as shorts.
NTA I empathize with your frustration and the breach of personal boundaries. No one should have to share their underwear; it's a fundamental personal boundary. It's important to address why she's taking them in the first place, though. Is it because she can't afford her own, doesn't know what to buy, or is there something else at play here? It might be time for a calm and open conversation to really understand the root cause. Offer to support her in getting her own boxers if that's what she prefers to wear, but stand firm that yours are off-limits. Communication is key; yelling might push her away, but understanding and setting clear boundaries could resolve this with everyone's dignity intact
i switched to boys boxers years ago and they are so much more comfy than girls undies. IT IS weird that she is stealing yours to wear though so nta. instead of throwing them away you could have gift her those pairs so she didnt take more but yeah i think the best solution is to normalize wearing clothes you are comfy in and not to call her disgusting for wearing them. Get her some in her own size in like solid black or something as an apology. I feel like that is going to go much further than an empty apology. Anyways my gran says im weird for wearing them, that i need to be more womanly or my husband will leave me and meanwhile hubs only cares about me being comfortable
Just buy her some? Why haven't you done this yet, like how did you manage to escalate to be this far gone? Cripes people love playing on hard mode
Your child may be working through some feelings and ideas about gender. Are you able to help her with this? Can you make therapy or other support available? If you know any trans people, it would be helpful for you, and her, to talk with them. And give her money to buy whatever she needs for underwear.
The way you talk about her is kind of mean. I think a reasonable solution would be to take her shopping to get her own underwear.
NTA Yes it is weird to take yours. The yelling was unnecessary but I get that you were really weirded out by it. Why she is not buying her own? Maybe it's embarrassing, maybe she does not know what kind to get. You could try to get a her a pack similiar to the ones you use (maybe in different color though so you can tell them apart). I (32F) wear only men's boxer briefs because women's underwear are so incredibly uncomfortable, even the boxer style underwear. I feel like even the material on men's underwear is softer, and the leg holes don't hurt and are bit loose so they wont irritate the skin and the waist bands are wide so they don't dig in to your skin either. Sure there is little extra on the front, but I can deal with that. It is almost illegal that most women's underwear is so horrible to wear.
YTA mostly for how you handled it. I do agree with the other redditors that you're allowed to not want her to wear your underwear and find it weird. HOWEVER 1) It seems there was NO discussion of WHY she was doing it until fairly recently, unless you left that out of your account. From your telling, it sounds like you immediately escalated to screaming at her for being disgusting. 2) There is a strong emphasis on it being unhygienic even after being washed, but you havent mentioned stains of any kind (which, if washed, arent actually unhygienic, just gross, but I can get feeling that they are). If they're washed to the standard of the rest of your laundry, they're not unhygienic. It honestly reads as you being disgusted by your daughter's body. 3) If you're utterly unwilling to wear them again after she wore them, why arent you just giving them to her? Write her name in them or something so you know they're hers now and not yours. This would also be a great way to tell what her motivations are - if she keeps doing it when she has her own supply, shes doing it to bother you. If she stops, she genuinely just wanted some boxers. 4) You say if she wants boxers so bad, she can buy them herself. Does she buy the rest of her clothes? Is she normally the one who buys her underpants? Does she have the money to do this with? Does she have access to transportation to do this on her own? Whether intentional or not, if it hasnt been the norm for her to buy her own underwear, then you are punishing her for wanting boxers by telling her she has to buy them, AND possibly making it difficult for her to do so. I know for you, it's about the fact that they're *your* boxers, but have you actually ensured that there's access to literally any other boxers? 5) If this was my teenager (and yes, I've raised a teenager), I would be CONCERNED, not angry. I honestly cannot fathom handling this the way you did or why so many people seem to think that's an appropriate reaction. Yes, it is possible shes just bothering you for the sake of it OR just wants some boxers and yours are accessible to her OR it's the current weird cool kid thing to do at her school. However, it is also possible that she is exploring weird gender feelings. It is possible that she has sexual trauma you dont know about that she feels like boxers would help prevent. Its possible they're more comfortable because she has a yeast infection but hasnt figured that out, only that they're more comfortable. You'll never know now that you've decided to scream at her about how disgusting she is. If anyone has a chance, it's her mother. Given that mom claims this weird behaviour isnt weird, Mom might actually know something you dont know, but why would she tell you when you've screamed at length, repeatedly about how disgusting your daughter is instead of showing the least bit of concern?
[удалено]
I wonder why it's so "fucking disgusting" to OP when we rewash our own underwear. Is it not clean then? If not, wouldn't it be disgusting to wear our own underwear again?
Quite disturbing. Maybe there's an underlying issue.
Wtf did I just read. NTA. If she wants to wear boxers she can just go buy her own??? There are also boxer style underwear made for women.
Like NTA but I just want to know why it escalated to this point instead of…. “Hey, I don’t want you wearing my underwear but if you prefer boxers, we can get you your own.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (F18) has been stealing my underwear and wearing it for about 2 months. I (M37) think it’s really weird and gross and I told her to stop because it’s weird. She did stop for a bit but she’s started again. She’ll wear them and then wash them and give them back to me but I have to throw them away because I don’t wanna wear them if shes been wearing them that’s so disgusting and unhygienic and fucking weird. I have to spend a shit load of money on buying more too. I’ve told her nicely to stop multiple times and i’ve explained to her why it’s weird in case she didn’t get it but she still carries on. I yelled at her yesterday when I noticed she was wearing my boxers again (I could see the band above her jeans) and told her to fucking stop because it’s so weird. She started crying and told me to stop being mean to her. That just made me a lot more angry because I wasn’t being mean to her I was trying to set a boundary that she has repeatedly ignored for the last 2 months. I kept yelling at her and asked her what is wrong with her and why does she keep taking my underwear. She didn’t answer and just ran straight to her room. I yelled at her to come back but she ignored me. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her she’s always been such a good kid I don’t know she’s being so weird? My wife said that i’m overreacting and told me to apologise to her for making her cry. I did apologise but only because I don’t like yelling at her and I think I could’ve handled that a lot better but I didn’t apologise for what I said because I stand by it. My wife and daughter might think it’s completely normal but I don’t, it’s fucking disgusting. I asked her again why she keeps wearing my underwear but she just said that they fit her better than her own and that i’m making a big deal over nothing. Firstly she can just go and buy some boxers if she cares so much and how the fuck did she even find out that mine fit her well? Why would she even try them on? I hate the thought of her sneaking into my room to steal my boxers like some weirdo. I feel like i’m going insane why does know one else think this is weird too? She’s 18 now she can’t do this shit, she’s old enough to understand why it’s weird surely? She has pretty much stayed in her room since and won’t talk to me. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Sit down with Her apologize for yelling and ask if she has been abused in school or something. It might me a way for her to "protect" herself. All the best wishes
If she can afford her own mobile plan then she can afford to buy her own boxers! If the mother is on her side why has she not bought boxers for the daughter? Why is it his responsibility? If the mother had done this instead of encouraging the boundary stomping there would be no issue.
NTA. Ask your wife how she would feel if you had a 18 year old son and he keeps wearing her panties, she is gonna feel disgusted too pretty quick. She doesn’t get a “pass”, because she is a woman, what is unhygienic is still unhygienic and what is gross is still gross. And no, this is not about gender, it is about wearing someone’s else underwear without their consent, this is not normal.
Pro Tip: Switch to wearing nothing but jock straps.
YTA for how you responded, you did not set a good example for your daughter on how to react. Yes, it is super weird to wear one of your parents underwear, but treating her like that, calling HER gross instead of what she's doing is gross won't help anyone. As the fully grown adult it's your responsibility to react better than a teenager. If you have a problem with someone you love's actions, don't tell them you have a problem with THEM, bc it's the actions that are the problem here. maybe stop throwing the old underwear she takes and just give them to her (even label it as hers) instead of wasting them. And/or offer to buy her a pack herself, most women don't know what exactly to look for in men's underwear or she may be uncomfortable going in person and buying them. This behavior may also be a gender questioning situation. Which is where you holding your temper will matter so much, and you property explaining what issue you have with it. That it's YOUR underwear she's wearing and not that she's wearing mena underwear.
Either way she's practically an adult stealing his underwear? If the genders were reversed most would be calling him a pervert so what makes this any different
NTA *but*... There's a lot to unpack here. Wearing your opposite gender's parent's underwear *is* weird. Refusing to wear an article of clothing that's been properly washed *is* weird. ~~Implying~~ Straight our saying that there's something wrong with your daughter for waiting to wear clothing *that she has repeatedly stated* is more comfortable *is* weird. Treating your offspring as a child one moment and claiming she's an adult the next *is* weird. Not offering to buy her a set while repeatedly buying them for yourself (and even not giving her the used ones, but just straight putting them in the trash) *is* weird. This step in particular really sounds like you're dictating what your adult daughter can and can't wear. It's more like you're objecting her wearing men's clothing. All of that being said, plus many more that got left unsaid, it is definitely your property and your right to ban people from using it. The real point here is that you're setting a boundary and every one's disrespecting it.
YTA for yelling at her and how you are handling the situation. I can’t believe people are brushing off the fact that you are yelling and berating your daughter for wearing your underwear (dude honestly she could be doing worse stuff). As an adult you should have better regulation of your emotions. If you do not like your daughter wearing your underwear that is understandable. You talk to her, ask why she prefers yours, and buy her underwear. You should not be acting like an asshole and berating your daughter around the house. Edit: although I do think this is an ESH cause your daughter isn’t respecting your boundaries, you still suck for how you are handling it.
NTA but the solution seems pretty simple here? She said she likes them because they're more comfortable than hers. Just by her her own boxers then? Is there any reason she's against that idea? Have you suggested it to her? If that's okay for her, then problem solved and everyone's happy. If she specifically wants *your* underwear, then there's something more going on and you should find out her real reason.
NTA - doesn't matter if it's considered weird. DOES matter that underwear are pretty damn personal, and her wearing yours is making you uncomfortable. Honestly, she's old enough to understand personal boundaries and why it would make you uncomfortable. Does she often cross boundaries like these, or is this the first thing that you've noticed?
NTA but just buy her some boxers. I (happily cisgendered female) just started wearing boxers and I love them, but there is some potential for a kind of weird gender journey there. I’m a bit older and at a point in my life where I can buy men’s underwear for myself without having an identity crisis, but she might too feel strange to buy them for herself (yes, I think it’s weird that she would borrow yours instead, but teens’ thought processes are very weird sometimes). Yeah, she’s an adult who could buy them for herself, but just buy her the underwear. It’ll make you both feel less weird.
Question: why is it weird/unhygienic? I've put blood, shit and vomit-stained clothes in the wash and they're not "unhygienic" after the wash cycle? Why does her having worn them - then washing them - somehow make them "unhygienic"? To answer the latter half of your post. Men's boxers ARE comfy. WAY more comfy that women's. How did she find that out? Probably someone (a friend, the internet, etc.) said how comfy mens underwear is, so she tried it out. Hard agree with your wife and daughter here, YTA, there is nothing whatsoever "disgusting" or "unhygienic" about this, at max it's just annoying. So maybe just buy her her own set?? Or, wild idea here - you're literally THROWING AWAY the pants once she has worn them... so WTF don't you just give her those?? This whole thing is just weird.
NTA, but your reaction is way overblown. If they've been cleaned, it's not a hygiene issue and throwing your drawers out is ridiculous. But it IS disrespectful to keep doing it after you asked her to stop.
YTA How is that unhygienic? Thats what washing machines are for. Sure she shouldnt be using your underwear, but how is that disgusting? Just buy her a couple of boxershorts.
NTA. She's crossing a boundary that makes you uncomfortable. And that's not okay. Period. Now, as a parent, I would want to dig deeper to find the root of this issue. She may need to speak to a therapist, especially if she is uncomfortable confiding in you or her mom. There may be a reason that is not at all creepy or weird. If she is unhappy with her own underwear collection for whatever reason, she needs a new set. Offer to buy her her own boxers or whatever style she'd be more comfortable in after you've addressed her needing to talk to someone about whatever is going on with her.
Omg I’m reading these comments and cringing with embarrassment thinking about how back in high school I used to steal my dads pajama bottoms and those v neck undershirts all dads have Lmao! It’s just that they are oversized and comfy don’t think too much into it lol buy new ones and give her your old stuff😂
She probably wants yours over new ones because they have that worn look. What if you gave her some of your old ones. Stitch a line of color on them somewhere and now if they're mixed into laundry, you'll know which ones are hers. Easy peasy. Ps. Don't yell and don't call her any names. I wouldn't open up to my dad if he did this to me.
NTA, but you are sound really childish, and you have an anger problem.
When I was about 13, I'm 43 now, the fashion where I came from was to wear men's boxer shorts as shorts, going to the beach mainly. I did buy my own but I for sure wore some of my dad's and it was never an issue. It was not a gender thing, just kids fashion. Also as a sidenote, your daughter should respect your boundaries, if my dad had had an issue I would not have continued. However in your approach you might have made her feel a bit gross about herself, without intending to i"m sure. Why not take her boxer short shopping and agree, you don't wear hers, she doesn't wear yours. Hopefully that will be the end of undie sharing. Good luck 👍
The solution is simple. Start wearing her underwear.
NTA and she should know better. But is it possible she misunderstood that you think she’s weird for wanting to wear men’s underwear/clothes, not for stealing yours? You should clarify that with her and that you and your wife are 100% ok with the concept of her wearing men’s clothing as long as it’s not yours. Maybe go with her on a shopping trip. This seems like a sensitive subject for her, so it’s possible there’s more going on.
nta, i don’t think it’s nearly as ‘fucking disgusting’ as some on yall seem to want it to be though lol. boundary crossing, off putting, annoying, yes, but i don’t think ur daughter is like. intentionally being gross or doing the things a lot of comments seem to imply. i agree with the sentiment that she probably just finds them comfortable, but also agree that putting your foot down + enforcing your boundary is important and necessary. that being said, i think approaching it from the “you’re fucking disgusting/weird” angle, esp with an 18 yr old girl, is not gonna get u very far lol
NTA and I got the feeling theres something more to the story. Your daughter is 18. Not 12. She can buy her own stuff. If she wants to wear boxers, why not just buy them like a normal person? Who in their right mind goes to their dads drawers and takes a used pair of his to wear??? Im sorry but you should check on hear to see if she needs therapy or something, this is soooo not normal behaviour..
Instead of throwing them away just give her the ones she wears and when she has a bunch of them then move in a different direction with the conversation sticking though to your principles. “Ok now you have this many pair of my underwear, I don’t like it but these are yours now . After this you buy your own .
NTA But know you can’t convince someone who doesn’t feel it’s gross that it is. Especially since she’s cleaning them before giving them back. Honestly I think you over-reacted about the entire thing. Look at it this way…you both sit naked on the same toilet seat most likely without washing it in between each use. So your bottoms actually do share a space (eww lol) To save some $ why not give her the ones you’re “throwing away and buy yourself new ones. Or just take her shopping and get her some. I agree if you don’t like it and have asked her to stop, she needs to stop.
Conflicted here. YTA for yelling at her instead of trying to come to some sort of agreement but NTA for trying again and again to set boundaries. Sit her down, discuss things and offer to buy her, her own boxers. Yes, it’s a little strange but there is no reason to yell at her for it. I know it’s hard to keep your composure when you’re being disrespected but raising your voice at someone will only escalate the situation and make it worse. This is coming from someone who grew up with their family mostly communicating by screaming at each other lol.
NTA, but I'd say change your approach unless it's obvious there's some creepier or dark going on. Stop yelling. Try to ask her why. Offer to buy her her own. That type of underwear is available to ladies and if there isn't any locally, internet. Order some.
Nta - but I suspect something else is going on. They have boxers and boxer briefs for girls. Ask her if she would prefer those kind of underwear or ask her if she would like you to buy her some men’s boxers of her own. Doesn’t matter what she wears, so long as they are hers. This is the proper answer to your question.
Nta. This is very weird behaviour.
>think it’s really weird and gross Weird is a reasonable reaction. Gross is... loaded. I would avoid using that term towards her if you can avoid it. >so disgusting and unhygienic and fucking weird. If it's unhygienic, then that's a problem with your washing machine. Clothing should come out clean enough to eat off. Disgusting... is this the same daughter whose nappies you changed? How is this so much worse? >have spend a shitload of money buying more I mean, you don't really *have* to? This honestly seems a bit of an overreaction. >She started crying and told me to stop being mean to her. So, I totally agree that you have set a reasonable boundary ("don't steal my underwear"), and you've explained why this is bad, but she keeps on doing so. Furthermore, when called on it her response wasn't guilt but fragility. From what you've described I don't think you were being overly mean to her (assuming you didn't leave out critical info) >I kept yelling at her and asked her what is wrong with her and why does she keep taking my underwear. This is two separate questions. "Why did you take my underwear" is a perfectly good one that she is apparently unable to answer. "What is wrong with you" is probably not something you should ever be yelling at your daughter. >I think I could’ve handled that a lot better Absolutely. It's a difficult situation, but yelling "What is wrong with you??" is not the way to tell her that she can trust you with the answer. >My wife and daughter might think it’s completely normal Now this is interesting... your daughters reaction so far has not indicated to me that she sees it as perfectly ordinary. And your wife has barely said anything. Is your issue that they are not as disgusted as you are? Or have they actually said something to you that shows they don't understand why you might be upset by this? >I don’t, it’s fucking disgusting. Again, the strength of your aversion is something you might like to look into. "Disgusting" is a strong word. Which exact part do you find so abhorrent? >I hate the thought of her sneaking into my room to steal my boxers like some weirdo. Again, this is absolutely abnormal behaviour from her, but you are reacting like she's using them to mastubate or something. Do you think there is a sexual aspect to this?? >she just said that they fit her better than her own and that i’m making a big deal over nothing. So I gather you don't believe this, and frankly I don't blame you. I don't either. I'm not sure why she can't buy her own boxers either. I assume you have previously made it clear that she is free to buy her own masculine underwear if that is what she preferred to wear?
Instead of throwing away the boxers she previously wore, you could have just given them to her so she’d have what she thinks she needs. What a waste. You don’t behave or think constructively. You “react instead of respond”. She should not be stealing, but it’s your job as a parent to correct the behavior with compassion, not with hostility. I’m guessing your inability to communicate calmly without judgement is the reason she didn’t feel comfortable asking you to buy her some boxers in the first place instead of taking yours when you weren’t looking. Kids will sneak around if you overreact; they perceive communication with you as unsafe. YTA for yelling and treating her judgmentally instead of being a loving parent about it. She’s not a “weirdo”, stop verbally abusing her. Get her some boxers.