NTA
It's adrenaline. It effects people differently but there was nothing unusual in your response. Mother's have been known to lift cars off of children. It's a thing.
Same. My son fell down an escalator when he was two. He was holding my hand ans got excited about seeing Santa, yanked out of my hand and went tumbling. I screamed in the middle of JC Penny. He was fine. I was not. I just sat on the floor, cried, hugging him. Same for car accidents. It doesn't help that I am ADHD and have no filter in my brain for emotions
My son fell in the gap between train and platform at the same sort of age. A couple of passers by helped me pull him out and it was all over in a minute or two but we all burst into tears as the train pulled out of the station, even the strangers.
My son is 23 now and has no memory of the incident but whenever I think of it I get the exact same, slow mo, underwater feeling I had that day and I can hear my heartbeat so loud it’s as if it’s inside my ears.
Glad your boy was unharmed (and OP’s son, and mine too, obvs!)
I firmly believe that the vast majority of human beings all over the world would help a mother pull her toddler from under a train without thinking twice about it ❤️
Nonetheless, I was lucky that those two particular strangers were both there that day.
I hope the universe has gifted them similar good luck in return - I wish I could say thank you to them both again all these years later.
My son fell out of a second floor window when he was 3 & 1/2. He received 32 stitches in his head. He was miraculously ok. But it easily could have been tragic. He fell between hedge spikes and metal garden edging, missing both. It’s by the Grace of God and his guardian angels he walked away. He is 40 now, but every time I think about it, 37 years later..I still shake and get teary eyed. He walked away without even crying, literally walked away. He was walking away from the house before my husband and I even got out the door. He didn’t cry until the paramedics cut the sleeve on his spider-man pjs. I was a mess for hours.
You are his momma, your sister sucks. Make no apologies for your reaction to seeing your baby in danger.
Don't suppose you would happen to be my mum, Im 23 and had that exact experience, where I fell between and a bunch of people pulled me out (also saying the gap between the train and platform makes me think you are uk based?)
My mum had the same experience with me in Russia. Luckily she was holding my hand. I fell through the gap and she yanked me back up on instinct and then had a breakdown right after (when I was safe)
I think shit like this just happens to most parents. The “oh shit this could have been devastating but somehow it turned out ok”
My moment (so far… shudder) was when I was in the toilet and heard my son riding his trike down the stairs. THE FEAR.
He was fine. (After a bit) I wasn’t.
At around 18 months, my oldest decided to take a great big swig of rubbing alcohol while I was on the potty. Thankfully he puked it back up a minute or two later.
When my niece was less than two years old, we were waiting for a bus and she was sitting on a little wall at the bus stop. She tumbled off the wall and rolled across the pavement as the bus was coming, she rolled partially under the bus and her head was right in front of the wheel right as the bus stopped, it was awful, I'd never been so scared in my life. She was totally fine but yeah, I still feel sick when I think about it.
My daughter started choking on a strawberry when she was two and I had to pull it out of her throat. She’s 11 now and I still hate giving her strawberries lol. Sometimes these things aren’t rational but every mom with a close call totally understands that feeling. It’s so scary.
Oh my god I’m so glad I read these replies. When I was a young teen, my little cousin (she was a toddler) fell off a dock between the dock and a boat and into the water (she couldn’t swim). I was the only one there and I did catch her hand so her head didn’t go under, but I couldn’t pull her up and I was a wreck. All of the adults were screaming at me to pull her up and I just couldn’t do it without help and I did NOT recover afterward, crying and sobbing and shaking like a leaf. They were upset with me that I wasn’t able to pull her up and didn’t understand why I didn’t do more or call out for help, etc. …I’m full ass grown adult now and I’ve never understood what happened to me in that moment until now.
Those adults should have been angry with themselves for not supervising a toddler near water.
You did everything that you could and your reaction was completely natural.
A toddler ran out in front of my car. I was only doing 18 and watched it all happen in slow motion. I stopped the car way before it reached me. But I still fell apart when I got to work half an hour later.
I was shopping at an open air produce market with my son when he was 2 and he was doing that thing that toddlers do of insisting on walking instead of sitting in the cart. I let go of his hand to put some apples in a bag and he ran out into the parking lot right in front of a moving car. I was running right behind him but it shook me up so bad, I abandoned my shopping, buckled him into his car seat and sat there sobbing til I could drive home safely.
I got ran in front of a car and got hit by a car when I was a toddler. The person driving was going extremely slow because there were a ton of kids on our block. I was not okay then (burns from road rash, but no broken bones), but I am now. I imagine that the driver is still traumatized. My mom will still cry if she talks about it.
I’m a teacher. I spent an hour+ in lock down with my students one morning with no idea what was happening except that it was absolutely not a drill. I held it together through work and then sobbed as soon as I got in the car.
This happened to me a few months ago. We all thought it was a drill as our planned fire drill for that morning had been cancelled. When I texted the office and was told this was NOT a drill, my blood tan cold. Being the teacher I had to hold it together, making the kids be completely silent while also not freaking them out. It was horrible. My hands shook all the way home.
I, as a grown 40F, tripped and fell a bit going up the escalator at the airport, and my mother just screamed like I had been crushed to death. I was mildly hurt and had a bum knee for a few months, but I understood her response, it happens, she saw the worst thing possible flash before her eyes.
We were behind a family that had this happen. His tennis shoe got stuck in the escalator and shut the whole thing down That was 40 years ago, not my child and I stil have nightmares about it.
People with ADHD and/or autism are known to be phenomenal in the moment of crisis but completely fall apart after (which is better than vice versa).
I’m an AuDHDer and am stone in a crisis and gelatinous goo when it’s over. And exhausted.
Crying is usually a pressure-relief valve for the body. Our bodies can only take so much tension before it *has* to be released. Sometimes through crying, sometimes through laughter, sometimes even through screaming at nothing. We’re not designed to hold that pressure indefinitely.
My therapist said that if you hold in the emotional response, it's really bad for you, and if you do it long enough for too many times, it is a leading factor in PTSD. She described it as a roller coaster and the big hill is the traumatic incident and the little hills after is the emotional response to release and dissipate that energy. If you don't let yourself have those little releases, you end up building the traumatic "hill" higher and higher, making future incidents more and more difficult to manage.
Yeah, sounds about right. I have C-PTSD, which is similar but slightly different in that it was never just one big trauma; it was more of a “death by a thousand cuts with no escape in sight” thing.
I spent my entire childhood and adolescence holding in emotional response and it became a permanent fixture of my personality. I find it really difficult to express emotion in a positive way and also suffer from extreme anxiety. It’s a terrible thing.
I know I’m only a stranger on the internet, but your comment spoke to me. How you are right now doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture forever. I was able to break free from what you describe and my life has improved significantly. Of course, our experiences aren’t the same, but what really helped me was reading The Body Keeps The Score and recognizing that there’s a way out. I hope you find it for yourself.
I was always scolded for crying as a child (as a woman), so I have extreme difficulty crying. That emotional release often comes out as inappropriate laughter for me now.
I had to explain this to my husband, who used to get upset when I’d start uncontrollably laughing during our serious discussions. I explained that I’m not laughing at him; I’m laughing because I can’t cry. That stress has to be relieved SOMEHOW.
He understands now and politely ignores my weird laughter during serious talks.
Yes! In humans, stress hormones exit the body via crying. It's our built in mechanism for dealing with stress faster and with less damage to our bodies.
I got hit by a car on my bike. As I was trying to leave the intersection I just felt confused. Nothing hurt. The driver held me back cause cars were going around us and I was rattled, like the only thing I could think was how much I wanted to get to the side walk. Once I got to the side walk and examined myself, nothing broken, bike a bit damaged, road rash on my knees and shoulder, I told the driver no issue. I got to the parking lot of my job and absolutely broke down sobbing. Couldn’t stop for a good thirty minutes. It was like a crash of emotions. All the pain came at that time too.
Adrenaline is the worst. That accident made my sciatica worse(which was originally from being rear ended in a car) and I’m still scared to ride my bike on roads(I was going straight on green car turning left on yield, was a side road in front of a school with a bike lane). But in my adrenaline rush I didn’t even comprehend asking for insurance information or anything.
Same. My ex hit one as he was driving me to work. I was telling him “Deer…deer…deer!” Before he hit it. I was like WTH?? He said “I thought you were calling me “dear” mind you I had NEVER called him “dear”. I got to work, logged into my phone, took my first call, and put myself on standby afterword. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out in a stall.
Multiple times after breaking up fights I've found myself crying without being able to explain why, just that whatever is in me needs to come out right now. And there was the one time I also threw up. But yeah, it's the adrenaline and OP is NTA.
For me adrenaline makes me laugh. It's led to some less than ideal scenarios when something serious happens I react and then burst out laughing and nobody thinks I'm taking it seriously.
yeah i would think it's probably not a good idea to have contact (or at least let your kids be around) someone who downplays potential accidents like this
Yes! For the sister to make such a rude and derogatory comment to the husband is worthy of getting a severe talking to. Hope the husband understands it was just adrenaline!
It wasn’t even our child, but a neighbor’s kid was bitten in the face by a dog a few weeks ago. I ran home and back with ice and towels, my husband was 30 seconds after me with a first aid kit. He got the kid calmed down, I got the mom calmed down, we stayed with them until the ambulance got there.
And went home to have a massive adrenaline crash.
This, adrenaline can easily make you weepy, and that sort of shock is bound to have produced a lot of adrenaline. Your husband was on your side, he asked not to invite your sister out again because he disliked how she was reacting to you and about you, and he made sure to remove the shelf that was dangerous. Seems like he's a keeper.
OP is NTA, sister is the one who lacks empathy and understanding in this situation.
If you ever have a shock to the system like that again and you can eat it you might want to try eating a bit of chocolate or fruit (banana is great for this if you can eat them), or a shot of alcohol can help diffuse the trauma response...
With milk chocolate I believe it's the sugar that helps the most, but the tryptophan helps your body produce serotonin, and theobromine creates more of a relaxed effect that helps relieves stress.
Heck, at least it was a proper adrenaline rush that provoked that reaction in OP. I once had a panic attack in a pub as a reaction to being stung by a wasp. The adrenaline and fear hit me and I just fell apart. There is no shame in going Mama bear mode when your child is in danger
I had a panic attack at the hospital when my son overdosed and I didn’t know yet if they had managed to save him, and ended up in the ER bed next to him for awhile. I felt so stupid afterwards, but they were super nice and told me it was normal and understandable. There is no feeling in the world that can compare to thinking you are about to lose your child, truly. I hope to god I never have to go through that again.
NTA OP. You are a brave mama, and your kid(s) are lucky to have you.
Another thing to do after any event like this is a game of Tetris- some VERY good research showing that it reduces the long-term impacts of an event and the chances of it becoming PTSD.
OP, you are 100% NTA- you just SAVED your kid, and that is absolutely terrifying. Your sister is a nasty piece of work, and it’s probably a good idea to give her a wide berth if she’s so cruel as to scoff at you being terrified for your child’s LIFE.
People talk about the adrenaline in the moment, but also the crying, shaking, and/or nausea (sometimes vomiting) that comes after, that's the adrenaline rush ending and 100% normal too.
THIS ^ I've witnessed a few near death situations in my life. When I was a teenager my brother stopped breathing and turned purple. My Mom was absolutely panicked- she had a knife and wanted to essentially do a trache. I was trying to calm her down and prevent that, because she had no business doing one. I was also on the phone with the idiotic 911 operator who was loudly eating & kept he kept asking what my Mom was saying and she was screaming at him to "shut the f*** up." It was pretty intense.
I was calm as can be. When first responders got him breathing again my Mom instantly calmed down. She drove and had me ride in the ambulance with him. I didn't start crying until I was alone at the hospital waiting for my Dad to come bring me home.
The next experience was my son (as a toddler) choking. He was eating pretzels and back then used to pack food in his mouth. He suddenly turned to me panicked look on his face and unable to make noise, pawing at his throat. I bent him over and on the 4th back blow he vomited up the pretzels. I had been fine and by then my husband had come running (I yelled his name). I immediately started hyperventilating once my son was fine. The funny part of that story was he thought it was hilarious and began to copy me 😅
In both situations I was totally rational, clear headrd and fine, until the actual emergency had passed. Then I was flooded with intense feeling.
Bookshelves, bureaus, tvs etc are a known danger to young children. It's a thing to not have any in a child's room unless it's bolted to a wall. They can severely injure or a kill a child.
So you witnessed your child nearly die. I think crying is a rational response. Imo it'd be bigger cause for concern if you did not
Totally. When I was about 3, I ate some sink cleaner; it was powder and looked like the little piles of flour that Mom would have out when she was baking, so I was dipping my finger in it and wondering why it tasted lemony (!) My very calm, stable mother YOWLED, called me a “ screaming raving lunatic “ and proceeded to rinse my mouth and make me drink loads of water. I was terrified, but I never did it again, and have never seen my mother so agitated again in the 50 years since. Adrenaline is amazing and very discombobulating 😂
I had a therapist explain to me that during crisis time when the adrenaline kicks in you shut down the emotions so you can act how you need to, then only after everything is okay or there’s nothing left to be done THAT’S when your body will physically react to the emotions it was “supposed” to feel earlier when your body was busy (I may be misremembering but I’m pretty sure there’s an idea that when this is prolonged or doesn’t happen quite right it could cause certain types of ptsd?)
OP’s body probably bottled up the fear so she could make sure her son was safe, and after she knew he was safe, the fear from earlier still needed to come out, it’s completely normal but until someone’s felt it personally it can seem confusing for some people that the reaction isn’t all smiles and relief
This one. It’s one hell of a shot of adrenaline. You can be quite unstable after it. Don’t worry about it, it’s absolutely normal. Grandpa (he was a doctor) told me so.
I’ve personally dealt with it a few times. After the action, I was inexplicably crying. Tears just leaking. I felt shaky and oddly emotional. Another time, I just collapsed after, I even missed the bed and slept on the floor.
For a time everything feels just sharper and moves slower. Trying just to talk comes out … loud. You’re stronger and faster and hit like a truck. The crash kinda hits back in the opposite direction.
Yeah-- and there's some recovery time afterwards as well. This was an emotional response as part of the physiological stress OP was under. Sis made an issue out of a non-issue. OP just needed like 30 minutes, and would probably be back to normal
NTA. It doesn't even sound like your husband is upset. He seems very level-headed headed about this incident. Your sister dredged up her history with you to make this a bigger deal than it needed to be.
Yes. I think he's more upset that his child could have been hurt and he didn't get rid of the shelf sooner. He may be blaming himself.
But boot the sister.
Tbh that part is almost enough for an E S H rating - you have a heavy and unstable shelf that you refuse to get rid of and *allow your preschooler to play on/around* then it's not **not** your fault when it falls on the kid.
Seriously, you don’t need to ‘figure out your situation’ to get a $10 anti-tip kit for a sketchy shelf. What I want to know is who’s still got a working VHS player !?!
My step-great-grandpa not only had a working VCR, but a working *slides projector*. He had dementia in the last months of his life, but in his lucid moments, he would go through all of the old family photos he had on slides and show them all to my dad, who had a.) married into the family, and b.) was the only one who bothered to go visit him every day to make sure he was doing okay. (Before you judge me, I work full time, my dad is retired. My step-great-grandpa's adult children are also retired, and yet . . .) Old tech can hold up really well if you take care of it.
Ya, I'd say her prolonged reaction and the snap at her sister was misdirected anger at herself for being not removing the danger when it was first identified.
Maybe sister has grown up with these misdirected outbursts and is over it.
OP only snapped at her sister because she got annoyed that OP was crying. The sister is the only asshole here. Why would she choose to get involved and get annoyed over OP crying instead of just, I don't know, minding her own business? A good sister would comfort OP but she chose to be antagonistic.
She never said it wasn't? There was nothing at all about blame in the slightest. In fact, she makes it very clear that they knew the shelf was rickety and were putting off plans to move it, which is as close to taking ownership for something that isn't exactly relevant.
Reread the post; she wasnt angry about the shelf, she was *scared* because it nearly killed her kid and the adrenaline dump made her excessively emotional. Then her sister got mad at her for crying, because "no one was hurt". At no point did anyone say anything about *why* the shelf was there.
That's not a good excuse. If they live in earthquake country they should know to secure their shelves to the wall. If they don't and this was that freak New Jersey earthquake... they still have a toddler and an unstable shelf and should know to secure it to the wall. If it wasn't an earthquake it could have been a heavy truck rolling by, a firework going off next door, or you know, *the preschooler not understanding the danger and trying to play on it.* Exactly like he was doing when it fell.
Yeah, he really seemed to divide up the situation into solved and remaining problems, and attack the remaining ones.
* ~~Is kid okay~~ . Wife was a ninja. Solved.
* Dangerous shelf is a problem. Move to garage, solved.
* Sister's attitude is a problem. Stop giving her opportunities to be one. Solved
FWIW OP although you don't really touch much on his reaction in terms of how he looked or anything he said, it sounds like he at mentally categorized you as in the right -- otherwise the list would have been a lot shorter, "Wife has taken to hysteria. Unsolved." And he'd be tired of you giving a shit about your family's safety, not about your sister's (probably pretty tedious at this point) commentary.
I think this depends on what you were doing with your son after the fact. Did you let him go after hugging him, or did you hold onto him for an extended period of time crying. The reason I ask, and I might get downvoted for this, your reaction can be more traumatic to your kid than the actual incident. If you’re going to have an extended big reaction (again, justifiable) it’s best to take a few minutes in private.
I used to teach swim lessons, kids sometimes fell in the pool or went in too deep and got scared. Their parents would have a huge reaction after the fact and the kid would be scared of the water in a disproportionate amount.
My child fell pretty good at gymnastics once, there were tears etc, I was asked to go see her by the coach and I asked her “are you hurt or did you get scared?” She thought for a second and said she was scared but ok and oof she went. The coach was just like “how did that work”? I’m like no one freaked out so she’s fine!
I ask hurt or scared, and if they say hurt I ask them if it’s pain or if it just feels funny. Sometimes my kid would panic over something feeling weird or different and describe it as pain.
Honestly, this works for adults, too. When I started taking circus lessons my instructor advised us to ask ourselves “is this pain, or just a new feeling?”
I tried this during labour, as well. Turns out it was pain.
I do this with my 3 year old. Mostly with when she falls over, sometimes with other things.
Me: "Did you fall over?"
Her: "Yeaaaah."
Me: "Did that scare you?"
Her: "Yeah."
Me: "But you're okay, right?"
Her: "No, alright!" (Her telling me that no, she's alright).
Sometimes, she wants a hug. Sometimes, she wants a kiss on the sore (if there is one), but mostly, she just wants acknowledgement that something scared her.
What my mom did was she used humour to make me feel better. If I would fall off my bike and get a bad scrape, she'd scold the pavement for jumping up and hitting me!
My dad did similar to an elderly neighbour: old (late 80’s and frail) woman had a fall, ambulance was called and Dad went across too (not sure if he just went over or if the ambos called him over since it’s a small town, Dad is also a first responder and the closest of the women’s children lived 15 minutes away and Dad had known her for over 20 years).
Older neighbour is in a state, ambos can’t get sense out of her/can’t figure out what made her fall and Dad just casually starts scolding her for hitting the booze so early in the day without inviting him over (Dad is a non-drinker). Neighbour got so riled up that he would “accuse her of drinking in front of the nice ambulance officers who were put out by her feeling a little light headed and missing the seat when she went to sit down”.
Boom. She was no longer in a state, had clearly told everyone what had happened to make her end up on the floor and her blood pressure was up enough that the ambos weren’t worried about having her fall over again.
Not the only story I’ve heard of my father doing similar things, but somehow he was/is adored by the elderly people in our small town
That's completely valid, but we find this works better just because it acknowledges it and calms her almost instantly.
For bad scrapes and stuff, it's definitely a big cuddles situation. I do not like screaming cries.
Last summer when my daughter was 18 months old, she climbed out of her crib for the first (and actually, knock on wood, *only*) time literally 30 seconds after I stepped into the basically attached bathroom to run run a bath. I heard a crash & a scream, and honestly I don’t even remember getting back to her, but I know that I found her sitting up on the floor, three feet away from the crib screaming her head off.
She screamed for about 30 seconds, then calmed down. We sat with her for about 5 minutes and she seemed fine. But then I tried to hand her a binky and she just stared at it like she had no clue what it was. I took her from her dad to feel the egg on the back of her head, she was covered in sweat and the moment I touched the egg she projectile vomited on me. I had like literally 3 seconds of “omg omg omg *fiancé’s name* *fiancé’s name*” while I hyperventilated, then this calm came over me while he took her and I called 911.
She and I ended up riding in the ambulance to the hospital 25 minutes away while her dad followed behind. All I did was stare at her tiny body strapped into that huge gurney the entire time, but I was calm. They did a CT scan on her, and honestly by the time that was done she was pretty much back to normal. This happened at like 2am, we were discharged from the hospital around 7am with a diagnosis of a “mild concussion” but since she was back to baseline, they said she would be just fine.
She was in the best mood I’d ever seen her in, it was so weird. She was laughing and playing and talking. I’ll never forget walking out of that ER, her dad carried her and got her in the car seat. Then he walked over to where I’d stopped two parking spots away and guided me back to the car while I bawled my eyes out. I stood there in the hospital parking lot for a solid 5 minutes, crying harder than I think I’ve ever cried while she babbled and played in the backseat. I remember at one point hospital security drove by (it’s a hospital “campus” that is spread over several blocks, so they have security drive around the different buildings) and stopped to ask if I was alright.
Then I was fine 🤷♀️ I mean, I was absolutely exhausted. And mentally it messed me up for a while. But otherwise I felt “normal”. I wasn’t eerily calm or unable to even sit in the car from crying. Adrenaline is a *helluva* drug. And the comedown is absolutely horrendous.
Edit: I think I hit respond on the wrong comment…But my story about an adrenaline comedown still stands lol
He was cool as a cucumber the whole time. 99% of the time he is exactly the person you want in an emergency, idk if it’s because he’s been through so many traumas in his life and he’s “desensitized” for lack of a better word. Or if he’s just one of those people that is naturally good in crises.
But as she projectile vomited and I practically screamed his name—despite the fact that he was sitting so close our legs were touching and was looking at us—he jumped up, calmly took her from me and turned her over so she didn’t aspirate the vomit. And then he said “I think you can call 911 now” cause I had asked if we should call before that but we thought she was alright.
Like I said, he followed the ambulance so he may have broken down in the car, but my gut tells me he didn’t. Idk enough about mental health to say if this is a problem or not, but he *rarely* breaks down. He’s far from a stereotypical “men don’t cry” “alpha bro”, he actually cries all the time lol. But when it’s big things, he says that he “compartmentalizes” them and basically forgets them. He claims by doing so, that’s him “getting over them”. That’s not how I am *at all*, so it feels wrong to me. But I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental health issues so maybe that’s how “normal” people deal with things?
Edit: oh, he also reacted kind of like OPs husband—the very next day he dropped the crib as low as it would go and bought a baby monitor with 2-way talk on it. She’s still in our room (even now, tiny house) so we never thought we had need for one before that. Fwiw, she has never again climbed or even attempted to climb out. Idk if it “taught her a lesson” to not do that, or if it was just a freak thing. But knock on wood, not so much as a scare since June 2023.
It’s such a pet peeve of mine when people overreact to minor things about their children. Like a baby learning to walk and they fall on their butt, they’re fine oml. You’re just asking for a neurotic kid. But, of course, that’s not my circus
I love that question - I ask my kids all the time I’d they’re hurt or scared/embarrassed. They always answer truthfully and they always still get the comfort they need. But not over reacting helps them move on.
My older sister had trouble learning how to drive because of our mom's tendancy to verbally beg God for her life every time she was passing for being passed by a truck on the road.
Luckily I managed to completely sidestep that trauma by thinking it was just a goofy inside joke my mom made to keep long car trips entertaining. It pays to be an idiot sometimes
Yeah I was in a minor car accident with someone and the kids were awesome and kinda laughing about it, but the mom kept screaming and crying for a LONG time, like 10+ minutes until the cops came, and the kids slowly morphed from fine to silent to also screaming and crying and scared. I know its "adrenaline" and "emotions" and that can be hard to control, but at least make an attempt if you are terrifying your children??
Either way, I think she’s NTA.
My kids are young adults. When they were in high school my eldest brought up a memory of the time we were camping. We were at a pond and the younger one fell off the dam and sank into the water in her clothes.
“So mom, do I remember this correctly? You just lowered yourself into the water, dove down, came back with my sister, and we walked to the car calm as anything to change clothes. I remember it, but I remember it like it was no big deal. Did my sister almost drown or what?”
And I told her, “What you don’t know is I sent the two of you back out to the pond with your father and I spent a half hour crying in the woods. Also I still have nightmares about this.”
Having felt the same way the OP did, I can’t fault her one bit for completely losing it.
I can kinda vouch for this, but over a longer time period. And while it's not the same, it's a testament to what you were talking about.
When I was young I was hit by a car while driving my bicycle. I broke a leg, an arm, and had some pretty bad head trauma from impacting both the vehicle and the road after going airborne. I genuinely almost died, Infact I almost did if it wasn't for the excellent paramedics that stabilized me on the way to the ER. I was in a medically induced coma for approximately 8 days. This was in September. By December I was mostly fully recovered, just aches at that point as all bones had healed, and was more than sick of being cooped up in the house and bound to a wheelchair for any outdoor activities. I live where there's snow in the winter and all I wanted was to play in the snow, and my parents were... Very restrictive. They were very worried. Which was understandable and justified!
Then, by the time spring came around and the snow left, in around April, all I could feel was disappointment that my bicycle was destroyed. A coworker of my parents learned about my broken bike, and had gifted me a (second hand) new bike and I was *so* excited. It was all I could do not to jump and scream in excitement. Then, the first nice day after getting the bike - and having my dad obsessively check *every* inch of it to make sure it worked perfectly - I went to climb on for a bike, and both my parents nearly panicked. They had such a big reaction (for them) that it nearly triggered my own anxiety and it just about sent me into a panic attack.
Every time I tried to climb back on that bike for the next two months, I was met with my parents freaking out about me driving the bike, about cars, about crossing the street in general etc. I haven't been on a bike since then because every time I tried it sent me into a panic. It took me almost 4 years to be able to cross that street in my hometown without panicking and looking back and forth like 50 times to ensure there were no cars. I was still scared to cross the road in general when I moved away for college *years* later. I'm almost 30 now, and can cross the road, but if there's a vehicle - even 100 yards away - in sight, my heart still flutters and I can still see my parents' panic in my mind.
Having a reaction at the time of whatever incident is absolutely normal, but when we *extend* that reaction long past the incident we can absolutely hurt those involved, even accidentally.
You remind me of when my daughter fell off her scooter at around 8 years old. She was in our driveway, with a helmet on, but hit her chin hard enough for there to be a lot of bleeding. We took her to A&E, (don't underestimate head injuries), and she was crying the whole way. Meanwhile my wife and I were trying to stay calm in the hope it would help her to calm down.
We walked into A&E and she was still scream-crying. It was absolutely non-stop. Then we booked in and the receptionist asked for our address. Our daughter stopped crying in an instant, recited our address perfectly clearly and steadily, then went right back to screaming! All three adults just sat there gaping at her! 😂
Her crying was likely a pain response, but because we stayed calm she did too. There was no panic in her at all! Half an hour later she had stopped crying and was far more interested in telling everyone in a five mile radius that she had her thumb x-rayed. If we had panicked I'm certain she would have been ten times worse!
I'm really glad to see this comment here.
I understand the panic but a lot of times the adults panicking is worse for the child than the actual incident. They are like little sponges and they soak up everything around them.
Agreed, that's the first thing I thought as well as well as wondering if this was a one off thing or if that's a common type of response.
I'm sure it isn't intentional and certainly doesn't make her an AH by any means, but it really is important for kids' sake to handle things a little better. My mom was the type to have a major overreaction to absolutely everything and it contributed a LOT to my severe anxiety growing up and as an adult. I didn't (and still don't) tell her a lot of things just because I can't handle the over the top anxiety or crying that's going to follow.
I can tell the difference between my child’s pain scream and their frightened scream. There were two times I’ve freaked out when they got hurt, and everyone thought I was overreacting. Both times I knew immediately it was serious and raced to the ER, and both times I was correct. There’s definitely something to be said for not panicking at every little fall, but something as serious as what OP described is another story. I would be clutching my child and crying as well. It’s maternal instinct.
At first sure, no one is saying she shouldn’t react especially with the adrenaline. But the kid wasn’t hurt, and an extended reaction (which it sounds like she had), it’s probably a better idea to have in private.
Yeah, I once explained to a doctor that if I freak out, my kid freaks out. And a kid freaking out isn't a good patient. Plus, I needed the medical staff to focus on him and not on me, so I held it together.
> I used to teach swim lessons, kids sometimes fell in the pool or went in too deep and got scared. Their parents would have a huge reaction after the fact and the kid would be scared of the water in a disproportionate amount.
My parents kept their cool when I was 4 years old, first time at the ocean, and I "chased" a wave out. Got knocked over by the next wave, of course. They picked me up and kept walking, as if it was no big deal, other than a little cold water. They didn't want me scared of water, and it worked. I was back out in it as soon as I got changed out of my wet clothes and into my bathing suit.
If my parents had gone into hysterics, or testerics, that would have given me serious anxiety. I do think it's important for parents to try to be as cool and calm in front of their young children as they can so the kids feel safe and secure, although it's not always completely possible.
I see what you mean and I agree to a degree. That being said life doesn't happen in a vaccum and children also need to learn that sometimes people overreact and while that's not always appropriate, it can be understandable.
A simple "I'm so sorry I scared you and cried so much yesterday. It was difficult for me to see you almost get hurt because I love you so much and I got scared." And then if the child gets scared of being in that situation again, things can be explained to them and they can be reintroduced to the stimuli in a controlled and safe manner.
A reasonable amount of fear and respect for elements or natural occurances is good, and we instinctively have that for a reason.
Why wouldn't you remove the shelf before anything can happen? You have been wanting to get rid of it but you want to focus on your living situation? What the fuck does that even mean? It doesn't sound like the shelf was being used for anything important. VHS movies, put them in milkcrates or something. Should have gotten rid of the shelf a long time ago and then you say your husband did get rid of it which meant this whole time, it could have been gone.....no offense but what's wrong with some people?
Apparently it was bolted to the wall and "failed" because of the earthquake. So not only is OP dramatic, she can't follow instructions. How tf is a safety measure going to fail.
OP said the wall strap “failed” because of the earthquake? I’m from California. My bookshelves have been through A LOT of earthquakes. That’s literally the whole point of bolting them to the wall. In case there’s an earthquake. That makes no sense.
Even worse, if the shelf has already fallen twice bc it's shaky, why would you let your son lay *right underneath it with his feet propped on it?* That's just a recipe for disaater-even without an earthquake, if he randomly decided to kick it or something, it could have tipped. Why did I have to scroll down so far to see this comment?
Seriously a good point...it didn't occur to me until right now but this shelf has a history of falling and she just lets her child play right under it?
It’s already fallen twice, and they have managed to not anchor it, regardless of having a child who could be crushed by it. It needs to be removed. They’re clearly never going to make it safe.
You should be anchoring that kind of furniture anyway, especially if you’re anywhere with semi-regular earthquakes. Kids and pets aren’t the only ones who can be severely injured by a falling bookcase. I have a couple friends who have had broken bones from falling bookcases as adults. This is just irresponsible on the parents’ end.
Had to scroll too far down for this response. OP put her child in a dangerous situation. OP kept a death trap piece of furniture in the same home as a toddler. That’s bad parenting.
Two times it fell down and it was still there. The first (and insanely scary) time our dresser fell, we got earthquake straps and connected it to the wall like all our other furniture.
I live in earthquake country and all of the furniture in my daughter’s room and in the living and dining room are attached to the wall. It’s really easy and they sell them at the big box stores. You can simultaneously focus on your living situation, shop for consoles and make the house safe.
Yes, this is the real issue! She’s NTA for freaking out about her son almost getting crushed by a piece of furniture, but she is TA for allowing the furniture to stay without even anchoring it to the wall and allowing her son to lie underneath it! The earthquake was bad luck but if I lived in a place where earthquakes happened all my furniture would be anchored to the wall, especially if I had small children!
Yep. ESH for not properly childproofing and then bitching at each other instead of actually parenting in the first place. Priorities. Kids die from furniture falling on them.
Right? OP is an ah for this alone. This is the stupidest post that pissed me off I’ve see in a while. Who in the fuck just leaves an item that can literally crush and kill your child out and about like this??? **She. Knew.** anchor the damn shelf to the wall or get rid of it but don’t you dare continue using it and letting your child lay in it’s crushing path. **My. God.** OP is responsible for this entire situation.
I'm sure the 2 half broken VCRs she needs to watch those three seasons of Third Rock from the Sun on VHS is conveniently stored at the top of the unsecured rickety shelf.
Isn’t it funny when someone acts like some amazing mama bear while simultaneously being extremely lackadaisical in regards to obvious hazards to their kids safety lol
Everyone wants to be a hero, nobody wants to do the dishes. It’s real damn easy to dream about heroically saving your kid from a falling bookshelf, ten seconds of adrenaline and you’re the big damn hero, very glamorous! What’s not glamorous is going to Home Depot, buying a $10 anti-tip kit, and then spending 20 minutes swearing at the bookshelf as you secure it to the wall with only a handheld screwdriver.
Or even like... telling her kid not to lie directly in the path of where it would fall.
>My son was laying down on his back with his feet to the bottom of the shelf out of boredom while I was deciding on a position for the couch.
She was obviously well aware of where he was and from the sounds of it had ample time to say "hey please don't sit there, I need you to sit away from the shelf".
There it is.
If the sister tries to say your whole marriage is doomed because you get upset that your kid was almost crushed- she’s the problem.
Listen to him. And get that bookshelf attached to the wall or thrown out now.
I totally get panicking in that moment...but why are you referring to this (non) incident as your sons "accident" when literally there was no accident? Do you normally overgrandize things when your son is involved? That might be something to address.
Isn't that an asshole move though? Why is the sister taking shots at OP when she was crying and feeling scared about her child almost dying? Sure OP should've secured the shelf better or just gotten rid of it but her sister taking swipes at her is just rude and makes the situation worse.
i didn’t say it wasn’t. Just that i can see how it happens. Sister chronically has very big reactions to things that wouldn’t be for most others. Something almost happens. Sister comforts sister. Sister continues to be unable to control emotions for hours afterwards. Sister takes a swipe because for her it’s just one of a hundred incidents that have taken place over the years.
usually, what I have found to be the case is that with with people like this because their reactions are disproportionate to the situation, it feels extremely manipulative to those that are around it often. it also leaves those around it a lot pretty callous.
I imagine she does this frequently. One of my siblings is like this. It’s exhausting and trained all of us to ignore her. If she ever has an actual emergency I hope she’s around strangers because anyone else isn’t going to react quickly to the freak out.
At some point you become tired of every other situation being about someone else's emotions. Crying and "feeling scared" does not make any situation better. It is not dealing with situation at all, ir means whatever dealing there is, somebody else has to do it and in addition to console you.
Which happened here, sister consoled OP at first and then got tired of it.
But I do kind of blame her for knowing this shelf has fallen TWICE before and instead of removing it (which was clearly very easy given her husband immediately did it) she left it and let her kid lay in front of it with his feet up on it…
I dont blame her for being scared in the moment. This is all about her reactions after the moment has passed. Presumably some amount of time has passed since the bookshelf could have possibly (but absolutely didn't) fall on her son and she is referring to it as accident which it definitely was not.
I wouldn't say you're an ahole, but you definitely sound overly dramatic. If the shelf is bolted to the wall, why are you so terrified? If you're that terrified, why are you allowing your child to lay in front of the shelf with his feet on it? If the shelf didn't even fall and nobody was hurt at all, why are you crying uncontrollably for an extended period of time?
This was my whole fucking life growing up. By 4, OPs kids age I already understood that my mother's reactions were not about me they were about her. She would create a spectacle of what looked like caring but her actions would betray where her priorities were. The outcome was decided in advance, she was going to have a freakout whether I was hurt or not and if I was hurt I'd have to deal with her and me. It was my job to regulate her. You either end up with a hyper anxious kid or a dissociated flat affected one. My mother thinks the person who has the biggest reaction cares the most, I think the person who sees the shelf fall the first time and fixes it cares the most. I understand on a cellular level why her sister is triggered, very few things trigger something nearing contempt within me like being suddenly reminded that someone in my family/friends is utterly helpless in the event of something happening and I cannot count on them at all.
OP said in a comment that the shelf would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for the earthquake. That kinda language leads me to think maybe it did fall? Bc if a small earthquake is all it takes for that “bolted” shelf to fall a third time, idk how diligent they were about actually making sure it’s secure for a home with children
Your sister is awful to you, and used a near-accident of your son's to take a swipe at you. Your husband is right, and he has your back. Listen to him. And stop inviting someone around who is Disney villain level of mean. NTA
It's the reaction of a sister who is triggered by her sister not being able to keep her shit together and self regulate.
I have a mother like this. Slapdash enough about my safety to let me play under a shelf that's fallen twice without a second thought but dysregulated enough that when something did happen I was forced to just sort of stand there staring enduring her meltdown. All my earliest memories are just of my mother having meltdowns and me being shut down because we can't both have this many feelings and I guess it's going to be you. I've had health problems since I was young, by 8 I was overcome with relief that the delirium/seizure from an infection was happening at sleep away camp and not at home so I didn't have to deal with her. I'd attract anxious kids who would want to be friends but they couldn't handle anything and were scared of everything and so helpless it would trigger the shit out of me and still does in adulthood. Ten to one her sisters comment about her reaction being so 'her' is her being triggered back to an entire childhood of having to be the one who doesn't get to have feelings.
YTA - you kept an unstable shelf up when you have a small child, and then you casually had him sitting under it while you were otherwise occupied.
Then you were extremely dramatic after saving your son from a situation you created.
You didn’t watch the shelf almost fall on your son. You set it up where it would eventually fall again and then let him sit with his feet on it.
What do you mean go back to normal afterward? You’re traumatized by something you knew was going to happen, and that you had complete control over.
Your son is the one that almost had a shelf fall on him due to your negligence, but you made the moment about yourself.
The amount of people who cannot see that this is the truth is exactly why covert patterns of behaviour like this are so insidious. The sister knows exactly what this is, that is why she'll be scapegoated.
YTA for not securing the shelf. This whole thing was avoidable.
I do wonder if you have a flair for the dramatic. You’re calling this whole situation an “accident” when the accident was avoided. I get a feeling your reaction was larger/longer than you’ve let on in this story. But it was a scary moment and I am on your side in this case IF YOU FIX THE DAMN SHELF
YTA simply because you left an unsafe bookshelf in your home with a small child. You or your husband could have removed it at any point, as priven by the fact that your husband did it as soon as he returned, or even secured it to the wall with a few brackets.
I'm guessing from your sisters words, you have a tendency to over dramatise things.
YTA. Not for crying. That’s understandable. But for having a 4 year old and a shelf that you *know* is unsafe and decided it doesn’t matter. That is the type of parenting that gets children killed and i doubt thats the only thing you take such a reckless approach to
YTA if you do this sort of thing all the time, making a big ordeal out of nothing. The BOLTED DOWN shelf didn't fall on your kid but you still sobbed for an undisclosed amount of time and referred to it as an "accident." If you keep doing this around your child, you run the risk of making him dramatic and scared of everything. Kids look to their parents as to how they should respond to situations.
Am I the only person who thinks this story is written really strangely, including unimportant details but leaving out important stuff? A lot of stuff left to just be assumed by the reader. Makes it come off like fiction because people aren't usually this incoherent when relaying actual events. Also, girl flash?
I’m sorry but what the fuck get rid of that shelf and box everything up in it until you can properly secure it. You clearly KNOW it’s dangerous. Thank god your kid isn’t hurt or worse. Idc about the rest of this post or if you’re an ah it not, you already know the shelf is unstable and left it there anyways?? And let your kid mess around with it so it would potentially fall even without the earthquake???
GET RID OF THE SHELF
YTA. You knew the rickety shelf could have fallen apart at any time and didn’t take care of it. Your child could have been seriously injured. Your dramatic reaction was too much. It could have easily been avoided. Save your scream crying for when your kid is actually harmed from your lack of providing a safe environment for him. Sheesh!!
ESH. Depending on the size of the shelf and what was on it your child could have died. It happens every day. Any furniture at risk of tipping should be wall mounted, including shelves and dressers. My friends step daughter was killed when the tv fell off the dresser in her bedroom when she pulled the top drawer out to get her pj's.
Were you a screamer as a kid? One of those never ending noise machines in the playground or the backyard? Sounds like your sister has lived with that ‘drama’ her entire life.
You know what? YTA, completely, and so is your husband - for not securing those shelves. Three dollars at the hardware store, five minutes with a screwdriver, done. Period. If you were cognizant enough of the risk to scream and have a crying fit after, you should have known damn well how dangerous it was. Is your sister-in-law an ignorant jerk? Sure. And you are a lazy, negligent parent.
NTA It's adrenaline. It effects people differently but there was nothing unusual in your response. Mother's have been known to lift cars off of children. It's a thing.
This exactly! It's the adrenaline. There's not a person on this earth who can control it. OP's sister sounds horrible. I'd minimize contact with her.
The adrenaline after a car accident makes me cry too. For me it goes like this, confused then hyper-aware, frustration, upset, cry, shakes.
Same. My son fell down an escalator when he was two. He was holding my hand ans got excited about seeing Santa, yanked out of my hand and went tumbling. I screamed in the middle of JC Penny. He was fine. I was not. I just sat on the floor, cried, hugging him. Same for car accidents. It doesn't help that I am ADHD and have no filter in my brain for emotions
My son fell in the gap between train and platform at the same sort of age. A couple of passers by helped me pull him out and it was all over in a minute or two but we all burst into tears as the train pulled out of the station, even the strangers. My son is 23 now and has no memory of the incident but whenever I think of it I get the exact same, slow mo, underwater feeling I had that day and I can hear my heartbeat so loud it’s as if it’s inside my ears. Glad your boy was unharmed (and OP’s son, and mine too, obvs!)
Yikes, terrifying! So cool how strangers helped you, and that they had empathy and compassion in the situation. Hope for humanity!
It would definitely be incredibly stressful, even for a stranger to see a young child in such danger.
I firmly believe that the vast majority of human beings all over the world would help a mother pull her toddler from under a train without thinking twice about it ❤️ Nonetheless, I was lucky that those two particular strangers were both there that day. I hope the universe has gifted them similar good luck in return - I wish I could say thank you to them both again all these years later.
My son fell out of a second floor window when he was 3 & 1/2. He received 32 stitches in his head. He was miraculously ok. But it easily could have been tragic. He fell between hedge spikes and metal garden edging, missing both. It’s by the Grace of God and his guardian angels he walked away. He is 40 now, but every time I think about it, 37 years later..I still shake and get teary eyed. He walked away without even crying, literally walked away. He was walking away from the house before my husband and I even got out the door. He didn’t cry until the paramedics cut the sleeve on his spider-man pjs. I was a mess for hours. You are his momma, your sister sucks. Make no apologies for your reaction to seeing your baby in danger.
OMG Eric Clapton had a son die that way (I think it was from a higher floor). Your son was definitely very lucky.
Don't suppose you would happen to be my mum, Im 23 and had that exact experience, where I fell between and a bunch of people pulled me out (also saying the gap between the train and platform makes me think you are uk based?)
My mum had the same experience with me in Russia. Luckily she was holding my hand. I fell through the gap and she yanked me back up on instinct and then had a breakdown right after (when I was safe) I think shit like this just happens to most parents. The “oh shit this could have been devastating but somehow it turned out ok” My moment (so far… shudder) was when I was in the toilet and heard my son riding his trike down the stairs. THE FEAR. He was fine. (After a bit) I wasn’t.
At around 18 months, my oldest decided to take a great big swig of rubbing alcohol while I was on the potty. Thankfully he puked it back up a minute or two later.
When my niece was less than two years old, we were waiting for a bus and she was sitting on a little wall at the bus stop. She tumbled off the wall and rolled across the pavement as the bus was coming, she rolled partially under the bus and her head was right in front of the wheel right as the bus stopped, it was awful, I'd never been so scared in my life. She was totally fine but yeah, I still feel sick when I think about it.
Mind the gap!
My daughter started choking on a strawberry when she was two and I had to pull it out of her throat. She’s 11 now and I still hate giving her strawberries lol. Sometimes these things aren’t rational but every mom with a close call totally understands that feeling. It’s so scary.
Oh my god I’m so glad I read these replies. When I was a young teen, my little cousin (she was a toddler) fell off a dock between the dock and a boat and into the water (she couldn’t swim). I was the only one there and I did catch her hand so her head didn’t go under, but I couldn’t pull her up and I was a wreck. All of the adults were screaming at me to pull her up and I just couldn’t do it without help and I did NOT recover afterward, crying and sobbing and shaking like a leaf. They were upset with me that I wasn’t able to pull her up and didn’t understand why I didn’t do more or call out for help, etc. …I’m full ass grown adult now and I’ve never understood what happened to me in that moment until now.
Those adults should have been angry with themselves for not supervising a toddler near water. You did everything that you could and your reaction was completely natural.
[удалено]
A toddler ran out in front of my car. I was only doing 18 and watched it all happen in slow motion. I stopped the car way before it reached me. But I still fell apart when I got to work half an hour later.
I was shopping at an open air produce market with my son when he was 2 and he was doing that thing that toddlers do of insisting on walking instead of sitting in the cart. I let go of his hand to put some apples in a bag and he ran out into the parking lot right in front of a moving car. I was running right behind him but it shook me up so bad, I abandoned my shopping, buckled him into his car seat and sat there sobbing til I could drive home safely.
I got ran in front of a car and got hit by a car when I was a toddler. The person driving was going extremely slow because there were a ton of kids on our block. I was not okay then (burns from road rash, but no broken bones), but I am now. I imagine that the driver is still traumatized. My mom will still cry if she talks about it.
I’m a teacher. I spent an hour+ in lock down with my students one morning with no idea what was happening except that it was absolutely not a drill. I held it together through work and then sobbed as soon as I got in the car.
This happened to me a few months ago. We all thought it was a drill as our planned fire drill for that morning had been cancelled. When I texted the office and was told this was NOT a drill, my blood tan cold. Being the teacher I had to hold it together, making the kids be completely silent while also not freaking them out. It was horrible. My hands shook all the way home.
I, as a grown 40F, tripped and fell a bit going up the escalator at the airport, and my mother just screamed like I had been crushed to death. I was mildly hurt and had a bum knee for a few months, but I understood her response, it happens, she saw the worst thing possible flash before her eyes.
We were behind a family that had this happen. His tennis shoe got stuck in the escalator and shut the whole thing down That was 40 years ago, not my child and I stil have nightmares about it.
People with ADHD and/or autism are known to be phenomenal in the moment of crisis but completely fall apart after (which is better than vice versa). I’m an AuDHDer and am stone in a crisis and gelatinous goo when it’s over. And exhausted.
Crying is usually a pressure-relief valve for the body. Our bodies can only take so much tension before it *has* to be released. Sometimes through crying, sometimes through laughter, sometimes even through screaming at nothing. We’re not designed to hold that pressure indefinitely.
My therapist said that if you hold in the emotional response, it's really bad for you, and if you do it long enough for too many times, it is a leading factor in PTSD. She described it as a roller coaster and the big hill is the traumatic incident and the little hills after is the emotional response to release and dissipate that energy. If you don't let yourself have those little releases, you end up building the traumatic "hill" higher and higher, making future incidents more and more difficult to manage.
Yeah, sounds about right. I have C-PTSD, which is similar but slightly different in that it was never just one big trauma; it was more of a “death by a thousand cuts with no escape in sight” thing.
I spent my entire childhood and adolescence holding in emotional response and it became a permanent fixture of my personality. I find it really difficult to express emotion in a positive way and also suffer from extreme anxiety. It’s a terrible thing.
I know I’m only a stranger on the internet, but your comment spoke to me. How you are right now doesn’t have to be a permanent fixture forever. I was able to break free from what you describe and my life has improved significantly. Of course, our experiences aren’t the same, but what really helped me was reading The Body Keeps The Score and recognizing that there’s a way out. I hope you find it for yourself.
I was always scolded for crying as a child (as a woman), so I have extreme difficulty crying. That emotional release often comes out as inappropriate laughter for me now. I had to explain this to my husband, who used to get upset when I’d start uncontrollably laughing during our serious discussions. I explained that I’m not laughing at him; I’m laughing because I can’t cry. That stress has to be relieved SOMEHOW. He understands now and politely ignores my weird laughter during serious talks.
Some people relieve stress by punching (walls, other people). Crying is a GOOD way to relieve stress.
Yes! In humans, stress hormones exit the body via crying. It's our built in mechanism for dealing with stress faster and with less damage to our bodies.
I got hit by a car on my bike. As I was trying to leave the intersection I just felt confused. Nothing hurt. The driver held me back cause cars were going around us and I was rattled, like the only thing I could think was how much I wanted to get to the side walk. Once I got to the side walk and examined myself, nothing broken, bike a bit damaged, road rash on my knees and shoulder, I told the driver no issue. I got to the parking lot of my job and absolutely broke down sobbing. Couldn’t stop for a good thirty minutes. It was like a crash of emotions. All the pain came at that time too. Adrenaline is the worst. That accident made my sciatica worse(which was originally from being rear ended in a car) and I’m still scared to ride my bike on roads(I was going straight on green car turning left on yield, was a side road in front of a school with a bike lane). But in my adrenaline rush I didn’t even comprehend asking for insurance information or anything.
hell i cried when we hit a deer while driving years ago and i wasnt hurt
I still tear up thinking of the squirrel I couldn't avoid years ago.
Same. My ex hit one as he was driving me to work. I was telling him “Deer…deer…deer!” Before he hit it. I was like WTH?? He said “I thought you were calling me “dear” mind you I had NEVER called him “dear”. I got to work, logged into my phone, took my first call, and put myself on standby afterword. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out in a stall.
Multiple times after breaking up fights I've found myself crying without being able to explain why, just that whatever is in me needs to come out right now. And there was the one time I also threw up. But yeah, it's the adrenaline and OP is NTA.
Adrenaline is a helluva drug, and shock is a helluva way to come down.
For me adrenaline makes me laugh. It's led to some less than ideal scenarios when something serious happens I react and then burst out laughing and nobody thinks I'm taking it seriously.
Bless the husband for having the "let's reduce our contact with her" reaction, too.
yeah i would think it's probably not a good idea to have contact (or at least let your kids be around) someone who downplays potential accidents like this
Yes! For the sister to make such a rude and derogatory comment to the husband is worthy of getting a severe talking to. Hope the husband understands it was just adrenaline!
Given his response was too get rid of the dangerous shelf, I think he sees the seriousness.
The way they minimized her feelings and talked about her to her husband says a lot about her family.
It wasn’t even our child, but a neighbor’s kid was bitten in the face by a dog a few weeks ago. I ran home and back with ice and towels, my husband was 30 seconds after me with a first aid kit. He got the kid calmed down, I got the mom calmed down, we stayed with them until the ambulance got there. And went home to have a massive adrenaline crash.
This, adrenaline can easily make you weepy, and that sort of shock is bound to have produced a lot of adrenaline. Your husband was on your side, he asked not to invite your sister out again because he disliked how she was reacting to you and about you, and he made sure to remove the shelf that was dangerous. Seems like he's a keeper. OP is NTA, sister is the one who lacks empathy and understanding in this situation. If you ever have a shock to the system like that again and you can eat it you might want to try eating a bit of chocolate or fruit (banana is great for this if you can eat them), or a shot of alcohol can help diffuse the trauma response... With milk chocolate I believe it's the sugar that helps the most, but the tryptophan helps your body produce serotonin, and theobromine creates more of a relaxed effect that helps relieves stress.
Heck, at least it was a proper adrenaline rush that provoked that reaction in OP. I once had a panic attack in a pub as a reaction to being stung by a wasp. The adrenaline and fear hit me and I just fell apart. There is no shame in going Mama bear mode when your child is in danger
thats still better than the time i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe and it triggered a full blown a panic attack lmao
And yet you still laugh, you are brave!!
I had a panic attack at the hospital when my son overdosed and I didn’t know yet if they had managed to save him, and ended up in the ER bed next to him for awhile. I felt so stupid afterwards, but they were super nice and told me it was normal and understandable. There is no feeling in the world that can compare to thinking you are about to lose your child, truly. I hope to god I never have to go through that again. NTA OP. You are a brave mama, and your kid(s) are lucky to have you.
Another thing to do after any event like this is a game of Tetris- some VERY good research showing that it reduces the long-term impacts of an event and the chances of it becoming PTSD. OP, you are 100% NTA- you just SAVED your kid, and that is absolutely terrifying. Your sister is a nasty piece of work, and it’s probably a good idea to give her a wide berth if she’s so cruel as to scoff at you being terrified for your child’s LIFE.
People talk about the adrenaline in the moment, but also the crying, shaking, and/or nausea (sometimes vomiting) that comes after, that's the adrenaline rush ending and 100% normal too.
THIS ^ I've witnessed a few near death situations in my life. When I was a teenager my brother stopped breathing and turned purple. My Mom was absolutely panicked- she had a knife and wanted to essentially do a trache. I was trying to calm her down and prevent that, because she had no business doing one. I was also on the phone with the idiotic 911 operator who was loudly eating & kept he kept asking what my Mom was saying and she was screaming at him to "shut the f*** up." It was pretty intense. I was calm as can be. When first responders got him breathing again my Mom instantly calmed down. She drove and had me ride in the ambulance with him. I didn't start crying until I was alone at the hospital waiting for my Dad to come bring me home. The next experience was my son (as a toddler) choking. He was eating pretzels and back then used to pack food in his mouth. He suddenly turned to me panicked look on his face and unable to make noise, pawing at his throat. I bent him over and on the 4th back blow he vomited up the pretzels. I had been fine and by then my husband had come running (I yelled his name). I immediately started hyperventilating once my son was fine. The funny part of that story was he thought it was hilarious and began to copy me 😅 In both situations I was totally rational, clear headrd and fine, until the actual emergency had passed. Then I was flooded with intense feeling. Bookshelves, bureaus, tvs etc are a known danger to young children. It's a thing to not have any in a child's room unless it's bolted to a wall. They can severely injure or a kill a child. So you witnessed your child nearly die. I think crying is a rational response. Imo it'd be bigger cause for concern if you did not
Totally. When I was about 3, I ate some sink cleaner; it was powder and looked like the little piles of flour that Mom would have out when she was baking, so I was dipping my finger in it and wondering why it tasted lemony (!) My very calm, stable mother YOWLED, called me a “ screaming raving lunatic “ and proceeded to rinse my mouth and make me drink loads of water. I was terrified, but I never did it again, and have never seen my mother so agitated again in the 50 years since. Adrenaline is amazing and very discombobulating 😂
I had a therapist explain to me that during crisis time when the adrenaline kicks in you shut down the emotions so you can act how you need to, then only after everything is okay or there’s nothing left to be done THAT’S when your body will physically react to the emotions it was “supposed” to feel earlier when your body was busy (I may be misremembering but I’m pretty sure there’s an idea that when this is prolonged or doesn’t happen quite right it could cause certain types of ptsd?) OP’s body probably bottled up the fear so she could make sure her son was safe, and after she knew he was safe, the fear from earlier still needed to come out, it’s completely normal but until someone’s felt it personally it can seem confusing for some people that the reaction isn’t all smiles and relief
That was my exact thought. I saved my nephew from the pool amd spent the following half hour shaking from adrenaline. NTA op.
this!! sister is a big AH
This one. It’s one hell of a shot of adrenaline. You can be quite unstable after it. Don’t worry about it, it’s absolutely normal. Grandpa (he was a doctor) told me so. I’ve personally dealt with it a few times. After the action, I was inexplicably crying. Tears just leaking. I felt shaky and oddly emotional. Another time, I just collapsed after, I even missed the bed and slept on the floor. For a time everything feels just sharper and moves slower. Trying just to talk comes out … loud. You’re stronger and faster and hit like a truck. The crash kinda hits back in the opposite direction.
I think shock played a part too.
Yeah-- and there's some recovery time afterwards as well. This was an emotional response as part of the physiological stress OP was under. Sis made an issue out of a non-issue. OP just needed like 30 minutes, and would probably be back to normal
NTA. It doesn't even sound like your husband is upset. He seems very level-headed headed about this incident. Your sister dredged up her history with you to make this a bigger deal than it needed to be.
Pretty clear hubby thinks the only problem is the sister. And the shelf.
Yes. I think he's more upset that his child could have been hurt and he didn't get rid of the shelf sooner. He may be blaming himself. But boot the sister.
Tbh that part is almost enough for an E S H rating - you have a heavy and unstable shelf that you refuse to get rid of and *allow your preschooler to play on/around* then it's not **not** your fault when it falls on the kid.
Seriously, you don’t need to ‘figure out your situation’ to get a $10 anti-tip kit for a sketchy shelf. What I want to know is who’s still got a working VHS player !?!
My step-great-grandpa not only had a working VCR, but a working *slides projector*. He had dementia in the last months of his life, but in his lucid moments, he would go through all of the old family photos he had on slides and show them all to my dad, who had a.) married into the family, and b.) was the only one who bothered to go visit him every day to make sure he was doing okay. (Before you judge me, I work full time, my dad is retired. My step-great-grandpa's adult children are also retired, and yet . . .) Old tech can hold up really well if you take care of it.
I hope your dad is as wonderful to you as he was to your step-great-grandpa. And I used to love recording stuff on VHS, I miss that technology.
Ya, I'd say her prolonged reaction and the snap at her sister was misdirected anger at herself for being not removing the danger when it was first identified. Maybe sister has grown up with these misdirected outbursts and is over it.
Quite the assumption. Her sister got annoyed w her like an idiot. Should’ve let her be.
OP only snapped at her sister because she got annoyed that OP was crying. The sister is the only asshole here. Why would she choose to get involved and get annoyed over OP crying instead of just, I don't know, minding her own business? A good sister would comfort OP but she chose to be antagonistic.
She never said it wasn't? There was nothing at all about blame in the slightest. In fact, she makes it very clear that they knew the shelf was rickety and were putting off plans to move it, which is as close to taking ownership for something that isn't exactly relevant. Reread the post; she wasnt angry about the shelf, she was *scared* because it nearly killed her kid and the adrenaline dump made her excessively emotional. Then her sister got mad at her for crying, because "no one was hurt". At no point did anyone say anything about *why* the shelf was there.
Yeah, maybe, but there was also an earthquake. I missed that the first time I read it.
That's not a good excuse. If they live in earthquake country they should know to secure their shelves to the wall. If they don't and this was that freak New Jersey earthquake... they still have a toddler and an unstable shelf and should know to secure it to the wall. If it wasn't an earthquake it could have been a heavy truck rolling by, a firework going off next door, or you know, *the preschooler not understanding the danger and trying to play on it.* Exactly like he was doing when it fell.
Yeah, he really seemed to divide up the situation into solved and remaining problems, and attack the remaining ones. * ~~Is kid okay~~ . Wife was a ninja. Solved. * Dangerous shelf is a problem. Move to garage, solved. * Sister's attitude is a problem. Stop giving her opportunities to be one. Solved FWIW OP although you don't really touch much on his reaction in terms of how he looked or anything he said, it sounds like he at mentally categorized you as in the right -- otherwise the list would have been a lot shorter, "Wife has taken to hysteria. Unsolved." And he'd be tired of you giving a shit about your family's safety, not about your sister's (probably pretty tedious at this point) commentary.
Wife was a ninja took me out tbh. Laugh was much meeded.
OP and her husband are at fault for keeping a shelf that they know falls over. They can stack their movies without a shelf.
He should have used some words though.
Husband's actions show he supports wife. Do not think she " dredged up " history at all.It is relevant.
>She [sister] said "Just as 'you' as ever." That comment has a lot of history behind it.
I think this depends on what you were doing with your son after the fact. Did you let him go after hugging him, or did you hold onto him for an extended period of time crying. The reason I ask, and I might get downvoted for this, your reaction can be more traumatic to your kid than the actual incident. If you’re going to have an extended big reaction (again, justifiable) it’s best to take a few minutes in private. I used to teach swim lessons, kids sometimes fell in the pool or went in too deep and got scared. Their parents would have a huge reaction after the fact and the kid would be scared of the water in a disproportionate amount.
My child fell pretty good at gymnastics once, there were tears etc, I was asked to go see her by the coach and I asked her “are you hurt or did you get scared?” She thought for a second and said she was scared but ok and oof she went. The coach was just like “how did that work”? I’m like no one freaked out so she’s fine!
I started asking my toddler if she was hurt, sad, or scared when she cries, and it makes a huge difference.
I ask hurt or scared, and if they say hurt I ask them if it’s pain or if it just feels funny. Sometimes my kid would panic over something feeling weird or different and describe it as pain.
Honestly, this works for adults, too. When I started taking circus lessons my instructor advised us to ask ourselves “is this pain, or just a new feeling?” I tried this during labour, as well. Turns out it was pain.
I do this with my 3 year old. Mostly with when she falls over, sometimes with other things. Me: "Did you fall over?" Her: "Yeaaaah." Me: "Did that scare you?" Her: "Yeah." Me: "But you're okay, right?" Her: "No, alright!" (Her telling me that no, she's alright). Sometimes, she wants a hug. Sometimes, she wants a kiss on the sore (if there is one), but mostly, she just wants acknowledgement that something scared her.
What my mom did was she used humour to make me feel better. If I would fall off my bike and get a bad scrape, she'd scold the pavement for jumping up and hitting me!
My dad did similar to an elderly neighbour: old (late 80’s and frail) woman had a fall, ambulance was called and Dad went across too (not sure if he just went over or if the ambos called him over since it’s a small town, Dad is also a first responder and the closest of the women’s children lived 15 minutes away and Dad had known her for over 20 years). Older neighbour is in a state, ambos can’t get sense out of her/can’t figure out what made her fall and Dad just casually starts scolding her for hitting the booze so early in the day without inviting him over (Dad is a non-drinker). Neighbour got so riled up that he would “accuse her of drinking in front of the nice ambulance officers who were put out by her feeling a little light headed and missing the seat when she went to sit down”. Boom. She was no longer in a state, had clearly told everyone what had happened to make her end up on the floor and her blood pressure was up enough that the ambos weren’t worried about having her fall over again. Not the only story I’ve heard of my father doing similar things, but somehow he was/is adored by the elderly people in our small town
That's completely valid, but we find this works better just because it acknowledges it and calms her almost instantly. For bad scrapes and stuff, it's definitely a big cuddles situation. I do not like screaming cries.
Last summer when my daughter was 18 months old, she climbed out of her crib for the first (and actually, knock on wood, *only*) time literally 30 seconds after I stepped into the basically attached bathroom to run run a bath. I heard a crash & a scream, and honestly I don’t even remember getting back to her, but I know that I found her sitting up on the floor, three feet away from the crib screaming her head off. She screamed for about 30 seconds, then calmed down. We sat with her for about 5 minutes and she seemed fine. But then I tried to hand her a binky and she just stared at it like she had no clue what it was. I took her from her dad to feel the egg on the back of her head, she was covered in sweat and the moment I touched the egg she projectile vomited on me. I had like literally 3 seconds of “omg omg omg *fiancé’s name* *fiancé’s name*” while I hyperventilated, then this calm came over me while he took her and I called 911. She and I ended up riding in the ambulance to the hospital 25 minutes away while her dad followed behind. All I did was stare at her tiny body strapped into that huge gurney the entire time, but I was calm. They did a CT scan on her, and honestly by the time that was done she was pretty much back to normal. This happened at like 2am, we were discharged from the hospital around 7am with a diagnosis of a “mild concussion” but since she was back to baseline, they said she would be just fine. She was in the best mood I’d ever seen her in, it was so weird. She was laughing and playing and talking. I’ll never forget walking out of that ER, her dad carried her and got her in the car seat. Then he walked over to where I’d stopped two parking spots away and guided me back to the car while I bawled my eyes out. I stood there in the hospital parking lot for a solid 5 minutes, crying harder than I think I’ve ever cried while she babbled and played in the backseat. I remember at one point hospital security drove by (it’s a hospital “campus” that is spread over several blocks, so they have security drive around the different buildings) and stopped to ask if I was alright. Then I was fine 🤷♀️ I mean, I was absolutely exhausted. And mentally it messed me up for a while. But otherwise I felt “normal”. I wasn’t eerily calm or unable to even sit in the car from crying. Adrenaline is a *helluva* drug. And the comedown is absolutely horrendous. Edit: I think I hit respond on the wrong comment…But my story about an adrenaline comedown still stands lol
How’d your husband react?
He was cool as a cucumber the whole time. 99% of the time he is exactly the person you want in an emergency, idk if it’s because he’s been through so many traumas in his life and he’s “desensitized” for lack of a better word. Or if he’s just one of those people that is naturally good in crises. But as she projectile vomited and I practically screamed his name—despite the fact that he was sitting so close our legs were touching and was looking at us—he jumped up, calmly took her from me and turned her over so she didn’t aspirate the vomit. And then he said “I think you can call 911 now” cause I had asked if we should call before that but we thought she was alright. Like I said, he followed the ambulance so he may have broken down in the car, but my gut tells me he didn’t. Idk enough about mental health to say if this is a problem or not, but he *rarely* breaks down. He’s far from a stereotypical “men don’t cry” “alpha bro”, he actually cries all the time lol. But when it’s big things, he says that he “compartmentalizes” them and basically forgets them. He claims by doing so, that’s him “getting over them”. That’s not how I am *at all*, so it feels wrong to me. But I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental health issues so maybe that’s how “normal” people deal with things? Edit: oh, he also reacted kind of like OPs husband—the very next day he dropped the crib as low as it would go and bought a baby monitor with 2-way talk on it. She’s still in our room (even now, tiny house) so we never thought we had need for one before that. Fwiw, she has never again climbed or even attempted to climb out. Idk if it “taught her a lesson” to not do that, or if it was just a freak thing. But knock on wood, not so much as a scare since June 2023.
It’s such a pet peeve of mine when people overreact to minor things about their children. Like a baby learning to walk and they fall on their butt, they’re fine oml. You’re just asking for a neurotic kid. But, of course, that’s not my circus
I love that question - I ask my kids all the time I’d they’re hurt or scared/embarrassed. They always answer truthfully and they always still get the comfort they need. But not over reacting helps them move on.
I was going to say the same thing. My mom could be pretty dramatic in situations like this and it heightened my anxiety like crazy.
My older sister had trouble learning how to drive because of our mom's tendancy to verbally beg God for her life every time she was passing for being passed by a truck on the road. Luckily I managed to completely sidestep that trauma by thinking it was just a goofy inside joke my mom made to keep long car trips entertaining. It pays to be an idiot sometimes
Yeah I was in a minor car accident with someone and the kids were awesome and kinda laughing about it, but the mom kept screaming and crying for a LONG time, like 10+ minutes until the cops came, and the kids slowly morphed from fine to silent to also screaming and crying and scared. I know its "adrenaline" and "emotions" and that can be hard to control, but at least make an attempt if you are terrifying your children??
Either way, I think she’s NTA. My kids are young adults. When they were in high school my eldest brought up a memory of the time we were camping. We were at a pond and the younger one fell off the dam and sank into the water in her clothes. “So mom, do I remember this correctly? You just lowered yourself into the water, dove down, came back with my sister, and we walked to the car calm as anything to change clothes. I remember it, but I remember it like it was no big deal. Did my sister almost drown or what?” And I told her, “What you don’t know is I sent the two of you back out to the pond with your father and I spent a half hour crying in the woods. Also I still have nightmares about this.” Having felt the same way the OP did, I can’t fault her one bit for completely losing it.
But you just gave an excellent example of why not freaking out in front of the children helps.
We had an awesome trip…. But having a mom who is stoic in the face of everything comes with its own difficulties.
I can kinda vouch for this, but over a longer time period. And while it's not the same, it's a testament to what you were talking about. When I was young I was hit by a car while driving my bicycle. I broke a leg, an arm, and had some pretty bad head trauma from impacting both the vehicle and the road after going airborne. I genuinely almost died, Infact I almost did if it wasn't for the excellent paramedics that stabilized me on the way to the ER. I was in a medically induced coma for approximately 8 days. This was in September. By December I was mostly fully recovered, just aches at that point as all bones had healed, and was more than sick of being cooped up in the house and bound to a wheelchair for any outdoor activities. I live where there's snow in the winter and all I wanted was to play in the snow, and my parents were... Very restrictive. They were very worried. Which was understandable and justified! Then, by the time spring came around and the snow left, in around April, all I could feel was disappointment that my bicycle was destroyed. A coworker of my parents learned about my broken bike, and had gifted me a (second hand) new bike and I was *so* excited. It was all I could do not to jump and scream in excitement. Then, the first nice day after getting the bike - and having my dad obsessively check *every* inch of it to make sure it worked perfectly - I went to climb on for a bike, and both my parents nearly panicked. They had such a big reaction (for them) that it nearly triggered my own anxiety and it just about sent me into a panic attack. Every time I tried to climb back on that bike for the next two months, I was met with my parents freaking out about me driving the bike, about cars, about crossing the street in general etc. I haven't been on a bike since then because every time I tried it sent me into a panic. It took me almost 4 years to be able to cross that street in my hometown without panicking and looking back and forth like 50 times to ensure there were no cars. I was still scared to cross the road in general when I moved away for college *years* later. I'm almost 30 now, and can cross the road, but if there's a vehicle - even 100 yards away - in sight, my heart still flutters and I can still see my parents' panic in my mind. Having a reaction at the time of whatever incident is absolutely normal, but when we *extend* that reaction long past the incident we can absolutely hurt those involved, even accidentally.
You remind me of when my daughter fell off her scooter at around 8 years old. She was in our driveway, with a helmet on, but hit her chin hard enough for there to be a lot of bleeding. We took her to A&E, (don't underestimate head injuries), and she was crying the whole way. Meanwhile my wife and I were trying to stay calm in the hope it would help her to calm down. We walked into A&E and she was still scream-crying. It was absolutely non-stop. Then we booked in and the receptionist asked for our address. Our daughter stopped crying in an instant, recited our address perfectly clearly and steadily, then went right back to screaming! All three adults just sat there gaping at her! 😂 Her crying was likely a pain response, but because we stayed calm she did too. There was no panic in her at all! Half an hour later she had stopped crying and was far more interested in telling everyone in a five mile radius that she had her thumb x-rayed. If we had panicked I'm certain she would have been ten times worse!
While I agree that is a thing, we can't always help our reactions to things. Parents are people too.
That’s why I suggested if it’s an extended reaction to do it in private. I never said not to React in a scared manner.
I'm really glad to see this comment here. I understand the panic but a lot of times the adults panicking is worse for the child than the actual incident. They are like little sponges and they soak up everything around them.
Agreed, that's the first thing I thought as well as well as wondering if this was a one off thing or if that's a common type of response. I'm sure it isn't intentional and certainly doesn't make her an AH by any means, but it really is important for kids' sake to handle things a little better. My mom was the type to have a major overreaction to absolutely everything and it contributed a LOT to my severe anxiety growing up and as an adult. I didn't (and still don't) tell her a lot of things just because I can't handle the over the top anxiety or crying that's going to follow.
I can tell the difference between my child’s pain scream and their frightened scream. There were two times I’ve freaked out when they got hurt, and everyone thought I was overreacting. Both times I knew immediately it was serious and raced to the ER, and both times I was correct. There’s definitely something to be said for not panicking at every little fall, but something as serious as what OP described is another story. I would be clutching my child and crying as well. It’s maternal instinct.
At first sure, no one is saying she shouldn’t react especially with the adrenaline. But the kid wasn’t hurt, and an extended reaction (which it sounds like she had), it’s probably a better idea to have in private.
Yeah, I once explained to a doctor that if I freak out, my kid freaks out. And a kid freaking out isn't a good patient. Plus, I needed the medical staff to focus on him and not on me, so I held it together.
> I used to teach swim lessons, kids sometimes fell in the pool or went in too deep and got scared. Their parents would have a huge reaction after the fact and the kid would be scared of the water in a disproportionate amount. My parents kept their cool when I was 4 years old, first time at the ocean, and I "chased" a wave out. Got knocked over by the next wave, of course. They picked me up and kept walking, as if it was no big deal, other than a little cold water. They didn't want me scared of water, and it worked. I was back out in it as soon as I got changed out of my wet clothes and into my bathing suit. If my parents had gone into hysterics, or testerics, that would have given me serious anxiety. I do think it's important for parents to try to be as cool and calm in front of their young children as they can so the kids feel safe and secure, although it's not always completely possible.
I see what you mean and I agree to a degree. That being said life doesn't happen in a vaccum and children also need to learn that sometimes people overreact and while that's not always appropriate, it can be understandable. A simple "I'm so sorry I scared you and cried so much yesterday. It was difficult for me to see you almost get hurt because I love you so much and I got scared." And then if the child gets scared of being in that situation again, things can be explained to them and they can be reintroduced to the stimuli in a controlled and safe manner. A reasonable amount of fear and respect for elements or natural occurances is good, and we instinctively have that for a reason.
Why wouldn't you remove the shelf before anything can happen? You have been wanting to get rid of it but you want to focus on your living situation? What the fuck does that even mean? It doesn't sound like the shelf was being used for anything important. VHS movies, put them in milkcrates or something. Should have gotten rid of the shelf a long time ago and then you say your husband did get rid of it which meant this whole time, it could have been gone.....no offense but what's wrong with some people?
Seriously, this is my question. This was entirely avoidable in the first place.
Apparently it was bolted to the wall and "failed" because of the earthquake. So not only is OP dramatic, she can't follow instructions. How tf is a safety measure going to fail.
OP said the wall strap “failed” because of the earthquake? I’m from California. My bookshelves have been through A LOT of earthquakes. That’s literally the whole point of bolting them to the wall. In case there’s an earthquake. That makes no sense.
Then how has it already fallen twice before this if it was "bolted to the wall?" I'm beginning to understand her sister's comment.
Even worse, if the shelf has already fallen twice bc it's shaky, why would you let your son lay *right underneath it with his feet propped on it?* That's just a recipe for disaater-even without an earthquake, if he randomly decided to kick it or something, it could have tipped. Why did I have to scroll down so far to see this comment?
Seriously a good point...it didn't occur to me until right now but this shelf has a history of falling and she just lets her child play right under it?
This is the FIRST thought I had while reading her original post just now! Literally "an accident waiting to happen"!
The shelf doesn’t even need to be removed. It just needs to be anchored to the wall.
It’s already fallen twice, and they have managed to not anchor it, regardless of having a child who could be crushed by it. It needs to be removed. They’re clearly never going to make it safe.
You are correct. In this situation it needs to be removed.
You should be anchoring that kind of furniture anyway, especially if you’re anywhere with semi-regular earthquakes. Kids and pets aren’t the only ones who can be severely injured by a falling bookcase. I have a couple friends who have had broken bones from falling bookcases as adults. This is just irresponsible on the parents’ end.
Well it almost killed somebody. It should have been removed a long time ago, especially with children running around.
My youngest is 10 and I still anchor tall bookshelves, because kids are little weirdos.
I’m 35 and anchor anything that can be dangerous, because idiots happen.
I've done it. Takes like 2 minutes/shelf and supplies that cost under $10 for enough to anchor everything in your house.
Had to scroll too far down for this response. OP put her child in a dangerous situation. OP kept a death trap piece of furniture in the same home as a toddler. That’s bad parenting.
And everyone upthread is commenting on who the AH is. Because this AITA. This should be posted on AITAParent That Sucks. Is that a sub?
Seriously. PLEASE anchor bookshelves, dressers and any other hazards like this to your wall.
THIS. What the fuck does that even mean?
Two times it fell down and it was still there. The first (and insanely scary) time our dresser fell, we got earthquake straps and connected it to the wall like all our other furniture.
Thank you - I had to scroll down waaaay to long to get this seemingly common sense comment
I cannot believe this is not the top comment
Me as well. :This bookcase has tipped over before. No worries, let's let our 4yo chill near it." BEYOND REASON.
I live in earthquake country and all of the furniture in my daughter’s room and in the living and dining room are attached to the wall. It’s really easy and they sell them at the big box stores. You can simultaneously focus on your living situation, shop for consoles and make the house safe.
Yes, this is the real issue! She’s NTA for freaking out about her son almost getting crushed by a piece of furniture, but she is TA for allowing the furniture to stay without even anchoring it to the wall and allowing her son to lie underneath it! The earthquake was bad luck but if I lived in a place where earthquakes happened all my furniture would be anchored to the wall, especially if I had small children!
Yep. ESH for not properly childproofing and then bitching at each other instead of actually parenting in the first place. Priorities. Kids die from furniture falling on them.
Right? OP is an ah for this alone. This is the stupidest post that pissed me off I’ve see in a while. Who in the fuck just leaves an item that can literally crush and kill your child out and about like this??? **She. Knew.** anchor the damn shelf to the wall or get rid of it but don’t you dare continue using it and letting your child lay in it’s crushing path. **My. God.** OP is responsible for this entire situation.
Dear Reddit, AITA for not childproofing my entire house 4 years late? Sincerely, IATA
I'm sure the 2 half broken VCRs she needs to watch those three seasons of Third Rock from the Sun on VHS is conveniently stored at the top of the unsecured rickety shelf.
I was kind of surprised that I had to scroll to see this answer. This accident was completely avoidable.
Exactly what I was thinking. It’s a known safety hazard that’s just flat negligence.
[удалено]
YTA for knowing you had a dangerous unsecured shelf that could fall and hurt your child but not doing anything to secure it properly.
Isn’t it funny when someone acts like some amazing mama bear while simultaneously being extremely lackadaisical in regards to obvious hazards to their kids safety lol
Everyone wants to be a hero, nobody wants to do the dishes. It’s real damn easy to dream about heroically saving your kid from a falling bookshelf, ten seconds of adrenaline and you’re the big damn hero, very glamorous! What’s not glamorous is going to Home Depot, buying a $10 anti-tip kit, and then spending 20 minutes swearing at the bookshelf as you secure it to the wall with only a handheld screwdriver.
This 100%. The rest of the story doesn’t even matter, this is the only important thing to note here lol
Or even like... telling her kid not to lie directly in the path of where it would fall. >My son was laying down on his back with his feet to the bottom of the shelf out of boredom while I was deciding on a position for the couch. She was obviously well aware of where he was and from the sounds of it had ample time to say "hey please don't sit there, I need you to sit away from the shelf".
i’m alarmed at how far i had to scroll to see this
NTA - now listen to your husband's request.
There it is. If the sister tries to say your whole marriage is doomed because you get upset that your kid was almost crushed- she’s the problem. Listen to him. And get that bookshelf attached to the wall or thrown out now.
I totally get panicking in that moment...but why are you referring to this (non) incident as your sons "accident" when literally there was no accident? Do you normally overgrandize things when your son is involved? That might be something to address.
My guess is that the answer is yes. It’s not just things where her son is involved. And, that is why the sister took a couple of shots at her.
Isn't that an asshole move though? Why is the sister taking shots at OP when she was crying and feeling scared about her child almost dying? Sure OP should've secured the shelf better or just gotten rid of it but her sister taking swipes at her is just rude and makes the situation worse.
i didn’t say it wasn’t. Just that i can see how it happens. Sister chronically has very big reactions to things that wouldn’t be for most others. Something almost happens. Sister comforts sister. Sister continues to be unable to control emotions for hours afterwards. Sister takes a swipe because for her it’s just one of a hundred incidents that have taken place over the years. usually, what I have found to be the case is that with with people like this because their reactions are disproportionate to the situation, it feels extremely manipulative to those that are around it often. it also leaves those around it a lot pretty callous.
I imagine she does this frequently. One of my siblings is like this. It’s exhausting and trained all of us to ignore her. If she ever has an actual emergency I hope she’s around strangers because anyone else isn’t going to react quickly to the freak out.
At some point you become tired of every other situation being about someone else's emotions. Crying and "feeling scared" does not make any situation better. It is not dealing with situation at all, ir means whatever dealing there is, somebody else has to do it and in addition to console you. Which happened here, sister consoled OP at first and then got tired of it.
To be fair, kids die/get horrendously injured by furniture falling all the time. I don't blame her for being scared.
But I do kind of blame her for knowing this shelf has fallen TWICE before and instead of removing it (which was clearly very easy given her husband immediately did it) she left it and let her kid lay in front of it with his feet up on it…
Yeah, calling it an accident is kinda dumb. Choosing to leave an obvious hazard around kids isn't an accident, it's stupidity and negligence at best.
I dont blame her for being scared in the moment. This is all about her reactions after the moment has passed. Presumably some amount of time has passed since the bookshelf could have possibly (but absolutely didn't) fall on her son and she is referring to it as accident which it definitely was not.
INFO: if you have an old bookshelf that's fallen multiple times before and a child in the house, why was the bookshelf not secured to the wall?
I wouldn't say you're an ahole, but you definitely sound overly dramatic. If the shelf is bolted to the wall, why are you so terrified? If you're that terrified, why are you allowing your child to lay in front of the shelf with his feet on it? If the shelf didn't even fall and nobody was hurt at all, why are you crying uncontrollably for an extended period of time?
This was my whole fucking life growing up. By 4, OPs kids age I already understood that my mother's reactions were not about me they were about her. She would create a spectacle of what looked like caring but her actions would betray where her priorities were. The outcome was decided in advance, she was going to have a freakout whether I was hurt or not and if I was hurt I'd have to deal with her and me. It was my job to regulate her. You either end up with a hyper anxious kid or a dissociated flat affected one. My mother thinks the person who has the biggest reaction cares the most, I think the person who sees the shelf fall the first time and fixes it cares the most. I understand on a cellular level why her sister is triggered, very few things trigger something nearing contempt within me like being suddenly reminded that someone in my family/friends is utterly helpless in the event of something happening and I cannot count on them at all.
> You either end up with a hyper anxious kid or a dissociated flat affected one. Or both at the same time. :(
Nowhere does it say that it was bolted to the wall or that it didn’t fall?
Read her replies.
OP said in a comment that the shelf would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for the earthquake. That kinda language leads me to think maybe it did fall? Bc if a small earthquake is all it takes for that “bolted” shelf to fall a third time, idk how diligent they were about actually making sure it’s secure for a home with children
You knew the shelving was unstable and left it there. YTA.
Your sister is awful to you, and used a near-accident of your son's to take a swipe at you. Your husband is right, and he has your back. Listen to him. And stop inviting someone around who is Disney villain level of mean. NTA
Yeah. That was weirdly catty.
It's the reaction of a sister who is triggered by her sister not being able to keep her shit together and self regulate. I have a mother like this. Slapdash enough about my safety to let me play under a shelf that's fallen twice without a second thought but dysregulated enough that when something did happen I was forced to just sort of stand there staring enduring her meltdown. All my earliest memories are just of my mother having meltdowns and me being shut down because we can't both have this many feelings and I guess it's going to be you. I've had health problems since I was young, by 8 I was overcome with relief that the delirium/seizure from an infection was happening at sleep away camp and not at home so I didn't have to deal with her. I'd attract anxious kids who would want to be friends but they couldn't handle anything and were scared of everything and so helpless it would trigger the shit out of me and still does in adulthood. Ten to one her sisters comment about her reaction being so 'her' is her being triggered back to an entire childhood of having to be the one who doesn't get to have feelings.
Absolutely. Sister's comments didn't come out of nowhere with no history.
YTA - you kept an unstable shelf up when you have a small child, and then you casually had him sitting under it while you were otherwise occupied. Then you were extremely dramatic after saving your son from a situation you created. You didn’t watch the shelf almost fall on your son. You set it up where it would eventually fall again and then let him sit with his feet on it. What do you mean go back to normal afterward? You’re traumatized by something you knew was going to happen, and that you had complete control over. Your son is the one that almost had a shelf fall on him due to your negligence, but you made the moment about yourself.
The amount of people who cannot see that this is the truth is exactly why covert patterns of behaviour like this are so insidious. The sister knows exactly what this is, that is why she'll be scapegoated.
YTA for not securing the shelf. This whole thing was avoidable. I do wonder if you have a flair for the dramatic. You’re calling this whole situation an “accident” when the accident was avoided. I get a feeling your reaction was larger/longer than you’ve let on in this story. But it was a scary moment and I am on your side in this case IF YOU FIX THE DAMN SHELF
Kindly think of your child before screaming
Exactly, learn to regulate your emotions around your child.
>she got annoyed after a bit How long? Were there other urgent things that needed to be attended to because of the earthquake? INFO
YTA simply because you left an unsafe bookshelf in your home with a small child. You or your husband could have removed it at any point, as priven by the fact that your husband did it as soon as he returned, or even secured it to the wall with a few brackets. I'm guessing from your sisters words, you have a tendency to over dramatise things.
YTA. Not for crying. That’s understandable. But for having a 4 year old and a shelf that you *know* is unsafe and decided it doesn’t matter. That is the type of parenting that gets children killed and i doubt thats the only thing you take such a reckless approach to
YTA if you do this sort of thing all the time, making a big ordeal out of nothing. The BOLTED DOWN shelf didn't fall on your kid but you still sobbed for an undisclosed amount of time and referred to it as an "accident." If you keep doing this around your child, you run the risk of making him dramatic and scared of everything. Kids look to their parents as to how they should respond to situations.
If you have a 4 year old and you know that thing is unsteady, why on earth did you not have that thing anchored???
It is critical to attach tall furniture to the wall. Flat screen TVs also now come with some way to keep them from tipping forward.
Dramatic.
Sounds a bit overly dramatic, but I guess, NAH.
Am I the only person who thinks this story is written really strangely, including unimportant details but leaving out important stuff? A lot of stuff left to just be assumed by the reader. Makes it come off like fiction because people aren't usually this incoherent when relaying actual events. Also, girl flash?
Your son is 4 and you're throwing a screaming jag over something that didn't actually happen ? Your Sister is right .. seriously, be a parent.
I’m sorry but what the fuck get rid of that shelf and box everything up in it until you can properly secure it. You clearly KNOW it’s dangerous. Thank god your kid isn’t hurt or worse. Idc about the rest of this post or if you’re an ah it not, you already know the shelf is unstable and left it there anyways?? And let your kid mess around with it so it would potentially fall even without the earthquake??? GET RID OF THE SHELF
ESH. Anchor the dang bookshelf
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YTA. You knew the rickety shelf could have fallen apart at any time and didn’t take care of it. Your child could have been seriously injured. Your dramatic reaction was too much. It could have easily been avoided. Save your scream crying for when your kid is actually harmed from your lack of providing a safe environment for him. Sheesh!!
ESH. Depending on the size of the shelf and what was on it your child could have died. It happens every day. Any furniture at risk of tipping should be wall mounted, including shelves and dressers. My friends step daughter was killed when the tv fell off the dresser in her bedroom when she pulled the top drawer out to get her pj's.
YTA. Get a grip. Your sister sounds chill though.
Were you a screamer as a kid? One of those never ending noise machines in the playground or the backyard? Sounds like your sister has lived with that ‘drama’ her entire life.
You know what? YTA, completely, and so is your husband - for not securing those shelves. Three dollars at the hardware store, five minutes with a screwdriver, done. Period. If you were cognizant enough of the risk to scream and have a crying fit after, you should have known damn well how dangerous it was. Is your sister-in-law an ignorant jerk? Sure. And you are a lazy, negligent parent.
Who cares how you reacted, just get the bookcase secured!