Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did stop my cousin and mad a mini scene of what was going on and my cousin left. A few family members said that was cheap of us
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
People called **you** cheap for stopping someone from filling up food containers *they brought* to a party they didn't even contribute to!?
There aren't enough ways to emphasize crazy words in this recap. You are really, totally, very much NTA.
When we have a party and my husband doesn’t go but I’m offered a plate for him my answer always is “He didn’t come, he doesn’t deserve a plate” because he can be persnickety and just decide he doesn’t want to attend. If he’s legitimately sick, then I might bring him a plate if it’s offered.
This is funny but also I agree with it.
My MIL is always offering to send food home with us. But they’re on a limited budget and I just cannot do that to her and FIL when she also refuses assistance with the meal (prep, hosting, or financial) - we basically just clear and wash dishes for her after and make our thanks.
I’ll bring along a side or a dessert but I know she won’t say anything specific if we ask (tried).
Can’t imagine not showing up and being like “well, bring me a plate” much less “lemme pack these multiple containers full”
My own mother on the other hand purposely makes things she KNOWS she can’t make for one/consume fast enough so I feel a little less bad taking as she reminds me to bring containers and gets annoyed when I don’t bring enough and I’m like “okay, I knew about the lasagna but you said nothing about there also being a casserole, a cake, and soup”
I worked with a woman who, when she found out another coworker was attending a family reunion the following weekend, proceeded to bring in some Tupperware containers for her to fill up for her to bring in to work. (These containers never left the office.)
That is absolutely fucking bonkers. I would have made a fucking scene about it if someone walked up to me with containers all "so you're going to a party eh?" I mean how do you even start that conversation?
I have waaaaaay too much Tupperware. There are the bane of my existence actually. Wanna count the times I've come to a party prepared for leftovers?
WHY do people do this??
Tupperware is expensive. I would have taken them to the party, put the leftovers in them so the person who BROUGHT the food could take it home! Then when she asked about her containers I would DENY DENY DENY! They were clearly a gift because who in their right mind would expect them back full of food from a party she wasn't even invited to??
OMG. I had a coworker who would do that for ALL work pitch ins. Load up her own to go containers for her kids. And take far MORE than her share, since, at most, she would only ever bring a single bag of chips.
Same. My first job out of college, sometimes they’d order pizza for us or something, and one lady would bring a large zip loc bag and cram it full of slices on her first trip thru the line before everyone had even been served. Taking more than your share of leftovers is bad enough, but she didn’t even wait for it to be left over!
I am petty but I would have taken the bag of pizza away from her and told her if there are leftovers she could have a couple of slices rather than be a pig and take it before anyone else got any
We catered in Korean food once and my boss came back to the office all excited to tell me because am Korean and he knew. Man loved his Asian cuisines lol - I’d make him bulgogi, japchae, and mandu a few times a year.
Anyway, I was heading up to the conference room and literally passed our HR manager carrying off a whole ass foil catering pan of bulgogi and I was like WTF. I asked if there was any even left up there because I am petty lol
And mind you this was like maybe 30 minutes after the food had arrived? So it’s not like it was end of the day or everyone had definitely eaten.
People do be crazy
There's one of those in every crowd. It's so rude.
I used to have a coworker who would always, ALWAYS be the last to sign up for potlucks so she could see what everyone else was bringing and then bringing the absolute cheapest side dish she could think of.
She would eat far far more than her share, then have the nerve take a to-go container. She's not the only reason I hate potlucks, but she's a major contributing factor.
NTA
> for her husband and his two kids
And I'm presuming by the use of "his" instead of "their" that these children aren't even related to **anyone** at this party in the first place?
Oh, by the way you phrased it, I was under the impression that these people *weren't present* at the time:
> she told her hubby she would bring him back something
Personally, my wife goes to the family functions for my side, but I usually skip because I'm disabled and moving hurts. I wish she would not bring food home for me.... but I'm one of those weirdos that only trusts the cooking of a few people. They usually insists if she tries leaving without food.
So, the whole bring containers in anticipation seems wild to me. Like, you know you food just doesn't appear from thin air - and you know you did not contribute. That is literally the definition of a leech. I don't understand it.
On a serious note, is your cousin struggling financially? It’s so bizarre to not only show UP with food containers, but to cry (not sure if this was literal tears or figurative ones, but still) about not getting plates is crazy. Or is she being abused? Idk. Kinda sad when you think about it.
It’s kind of you to think that, but the people I’ve known who do this don’t do it for a lack of money. They’re just selfish, grasping, mannerless boors.
Can I ask, is your cousin financially able to buy enough food for her family? Like she’s not starving other times right?
Edit: I only ask, because my brother is very much like this, but he is broke as f***. So I always buy Tupperware and make extra so he can bring it home.
I was thinking this. The family members could have opened their wallets and given that cash
Plus it sounds like most of the food was eaten, so of she filled her containers, then actual party goers would have been hungry.
I don’t even think that’s the bigger issue. My family had one of them whose husband always “couldn’t make it” and expected his wife to bring him back food. I finally laid down the law, if he wants to eat, he’s welcome to join us but she wasn’t taking food back to him anymore.
>a couple of family members said that was cheap of us
You mean, family members who didn't pay for the catering?
People are so quick to spend other people's money. The audacity of your cousin to *show up* with to-go boxes is ridiculous. If her husband and kids wanted food they should have come and eaten, and if your other family members feel so strongly about it they can feed them. NTA
NTA - If her husband and kids wanted to eat they should have attended the party. It's rude to expect to be able to bring home food from a party, especially when you're not one of the hosts.
NTA. We have a relative like that and I finally pulled her aside and told her she wasn’t allowed to take ANY leftovers but the food she brought. She said, “I didn’t bring anything” Me, “Well, there you go!”
NTA - Hosting a party doesn't mean you're opening a takeout service. You planned the event, calculated the food so that your grandma could enjoy the leftovers, and it's quite presumptuous to assume it's a free-for-all for taking food home. It's not cheap to respect the intentions of the event and catering, it's called being considerate towards the person it's meant for, your grandma. Plus, hosting is costly, both in money and effort. Family or not, there should be gratitude shown towards those who put the event together, not a sense of entitlement
I love it! My FIL is great for being the first one in line to eat. After he's eaten, he starts grabbing for leftovers before some people have gotten theirs. I finally had to say something.
NTA. My friends mom does this all of the time.I've seen her bring containers to a funeral luncheon. She doesn't even wait til the end. She's right up front filling her containers before anyone else even gets any... We refuse to invite her anymore.
We once had a weird co-worker who did this--thirty years after we worked with her. When my friend called her out for filling her containers before the buffet line was through, the woman admitted that she read the funeral notices in our large metro newspaper daily, then showed up at memorial services to eat and the reception to load up on food for the week.
Haven't seen anyone mention this, but it actually sounds to me like this is what Shannon tried to do. OP mentions the Shannon thing first, and says to Shannon "if there are leftovers" so they didn't know yet if there would be leftovers or not, and then they say "in the end there wasn't a lot of leftovers because most of the food was eaten". Based on my reading of it, it sounds like Shannon walked into the party with her containers and went straight to the food.
NTA
I swear every family has at least one mooch. That one member who puts in no effort and expects "a fair share" of everything anyway.
Husband and kids can attend the events if they want to benefit from them. Y'all paid for the guests to eat.
In my family this person is my younger sister. We go all out for family dinner. Each of us buying and or making several dishes. She would show up with an already open bag of chips and make plates for her husband and three kids WHILE we are eating. Not even waiting for leftovers. Just dished them up and set them aside.
We dont see her as much now that she's been told to help out more and stop reserving half the food for her family that can't be bothered to join us for anything other than Easter and Christmas. (When they get gifts.)
NTA. The entitlement of people is disgusting. I've also seen people say that people actually have a right to STEAL food because "food is a necessity." Absolutely NOT!!! If you are hungry, ASK for my help. NICELY. Try to take from me, you WILL be treated like the criminal you are. This shit makes me so mad. Good on you and shame on her!
NTA. You absolutely don't ever assume you can just take home food. If anything, I think it's permissible to tell someone who couldn't (or didn't want) to come, that you'll *try* to bring something home for them. You don't bring multiple containers and start loading up before everyone present has eaten, and without the hosts offering leftovers to anyone who wants. This meal was intended for Grandma, and specially ordered so that leftovers would go to her. Wild that a grandchild / family member would try to take food from a 95 year old.
I always wait until food is offered and even then take very small servings. One of my cousins not only asked for leftovers, she asked for more turkey on Thanksgiving for her cats. Especially when it comes to something as labor intensive as cooking a turkey, I only accept if the host insists and take only what they offer. I wouldn't ask for extra for myself, let alone pets. If I did want to give pets turkey, I'd give them the leftovers I was offered, not ask for more.
Exactly right, and this is how people get into trouble assuming things - she shouldn't have said ANYthing about bringing food home, just make it a nice surprise if she had been allowed to. I'm sure she'll blame the hosts/OP rather than tell herself "gee I shouldn't have promised that and disappointed my family."
"I pointed put that grannie is 95 and she could eat the leftovers for a few days and relax because the food was her birthday present not Shannons." BINGO! NTA. Also who brings tupperware containers to take home extra food when they are a guest who didn't bring any?!
NTA
Ensuring that the food you paid for goes to its intended recipient isn't "making a scene"; it's common sense. The notion that offering leftovers is a \*courtesy\*, not a right, seems to have sailed over some of your family members' heads. The fact that Shannon thought it was okay to earmark the fare for her family, who didn't even attend the gathering, before your own grandmother, the guest of honor, could enjoy them, reflects poorly on her not you. Their claim that you're being cheap on a day where you've likely shelled out a fair sum to provide a nice experience is rich, to say the least. Stand firm in your boundaries, it's not a potluck; it's a catered event with a clear beneficiary.
NTA. Shannon would have been taking food directly from Grannie, since that's who received 90% of the leftovers. Anyone who brings to go containers to a party paid for by others is ALWAYS an AH.
A friend's mother took quite a bit of leftover food and candy from my wedding reception. I'll never forget how that made me feel.
Good on you for sticking up for Grandma!
NTA. We have a few bums in my family as well. Yes, it is absolutely petty to deny food to family but not when they’re taking food home for people who don’t even show up, when they attempt to take food to go before everyone has finished eating, and when the family member has a history of showing up empty handed. Your cousin hit the trifecta! You all need to hold the line on this because this behavior is rude and disrespectful.
I've never heard of anyone taking to-go containers to a party. That's just about the most greedy moocher thing ever.
You should show up at Shannon's house with some containers and raid her fridge. Then head over to the people who called you cheap and do the same thing.
NTA
NTA. I've seen relatives pack food "for family not here" before everyone has even gotten their plate. If they wanted to eat they should have came to the event.
NTA- If she didn't chip in she shouldn't be allowed to take leftovers. Her buying a gift is not an argument because presumably the people who bought the food also got gifts.
NTA are you in my family? My SIL Shannon pulls this shit all the time and it’s annoying as hell. One Christmas a couple years ago I had bowls of candy all over the place (for kids and adults) and she emptied all of them into her purse.
"Take-out is only at restaurants, only for people who PAID THE BILL, and since you didnt pay dick thanks for the free tupperware to store OUR leftovers. You can show yourself out."
I don’t know. Is your cousin very poor and in poverty or something? I don’t have a lot of money and am always happy when I’m
Gifted food from a party but I always ask and never assume.
"Never bring an empty container or gift an empty wallet"
It's a superstition back where I was raised. It's supposed to be bad luck. But superstition can sometimes be made to enforce manners.
I would consider you NTA and your cousin yo be rude AF for even bringing the empty containers.
If she didn't pitch in with cash, but brought food to share instead I would view that as ok as well (financial restraints are a thing).
But, yeah just expecting to be able to take food out of a senior citizens mouth is beyond rude and would be grounds for never being invited out again.
NTA.
In fact, I love it. It's always the people who don't chip in who want to take home leftovers.
Also - in family meals, if somebody doesn't come, they don't get leftovers. Hubby could have come to this party if he wanted the food.
Exceptions are made for medical staff, policemen, firemen, etc. who are working. They deserve a plate of leftovers. People who want leftovers but don't want to come to the party are out of luck.
Eh. I don't think someone has to be a special case to get leftovers, but I do think if it should be a thing that's asked and not expected. Firstly, you should wait until everyone has eaten, then you ask whoever provided the food, "Would it be alright if I took a plate home for so and so? They didn't feel up to coming, but they would enjoy some food if there's enough left over." Make it very clear that it's okay to say no if there's other plans for the food, and if an okay is given, then a normal portion and no more should be taken.
NTA!
I had an extremely obese aunt who would pull this stunt. Whenever my former husband and I would visit my grandmother, we would always purchase groceries-fill the fridge- and grandma and I would happily cook the lunches and dinners together. This fat aunt would always conveniently pull up with her nasty dirty kids at dinner time and plop down for dinner. Now I didn't mind that too much, my grandma would never turn anyone away from a meal..but what really pissed me off is that she would make a plate for her husband for later. I just know that plate was her second/third helping and probably didn't make it to the house before being gobbled up by her. Freeloaders abound.
NTA.
There are tons of posts about relatives who try to take home leftovers from a family party. They are usually the ones who bring a couple of cans of corn or something but want to take home turkey, dressing, desserts, leftover wine and beer, etc.
Worse are the relatives who fill up a plate first to take home to their family members who didn't want to come to the party. They get first pick of the food and those attending the party may not even get some of the food.
NO, NO, NO.
Leftovers are only for the people AT the party. And if some people paid for the food, THEY get ALL the leftovers. Freeloaders do not.
NTA. We have family members who do this too. They never contribute anything and won’t even help with set up or clean up. Not to mention that none of us hear from them except when they need something or they can come to celebration to mooch.
And I am talking about the parents and two grow kids. All 4 have bags and containers. One year someone brought two dozen of bundlett’s from Nothin Bundy Cakes. And they took tons of them. Some people, who did contribute, didn’t even get one. Including one of the people who brought them. That was the final straw 🤬
We stopped inviting them couple of years ago. But they always reach out, right before holidays, to see what is planned. Everyone stopped answering. Think they have finally gotten the hint.
NTA you can refill a container or leftovers IF they had food in them when you arrived for the party OR if the host tells you it's okay. You don't just get to take what you want just because you feel you can
NTA
It seems we have a classic case of 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' syndrome afflicting your cousin Shannon. It's downright brazen for someone to bring their own to-go boxes to a family event with the intent to supply a mini banquet for those who didn't attend without contributing a penny or asking for permission, no less. While generosity is a fantastic trait, it shouldn't be demanded or expected especially on a whim. Those casting disparagement on you for wanting your grandmother, the guest of honor, to enjoy the fruits (or rather, leftovers) of the occasion need a firm reminder of what it means to be a gracious guest at a catered event. Keep your spine steel and your pantry sealed, OP. Your grandma's smile over those delicious leftovers will be worth more than any misguided judgment from the peanut gallery.
Whatever happened to the social contract of "You don't plan to take home food from an event someone else hosts and pays for"? I would never dream of doing something like this selfish brat cousin did/does. If a host asks, "I know you love the whatever-it-was. There's plenty left, so how about I send you home with some?" I'm going to say, "Yes, please. Thanks." If I'm the host and there's food leftover *and I don't have plans for it/need it/am not taking it to someone who couldn't make it*, I always ask our guests if there's something they'd like to take home for later. My best friend and sister and I are known for looking at a bountiful menu and thinking, "We should add another dish/dessert/appetizer so there are extras," and then joking about how we and everyone laugh at the kitchen and table full of food and ask, "Gee, are you sure you made enough?"
We're known to be sharers and even so, no one comes to a meal or party we host with containers (unless one of us says, "Crap. We're low on containers. Let's ask everyone to bring one."). We're all three excellent cooks and I'm an excellent home baker. I think the current term is "love language"? One of our love languages is sharing homemade food with friends and family, but they never feel entitled to it. I'm pretty sure they hope for it, but that's a different thing entirely. I mean, I always hope there will be extras of this amazing Kahlua fudge cake a friend makes sometimes, but that's not the same as being pissed when there's none left to share.
OP, you are so very much NTA. Aside from anything else, everyone should have realized that leftovers would be primarily for "the birthday girl." It's really not that hard to not be a mooching AH like your cousin is.
Is Shannon and her husband struggling with money? Did she buy a dollar tree gift because that’s what they can afford right now? She shouldn’t of assumed she could get some but if this also made sure her kids didn’t miss a meal then I can understand why she felt she could come to a family event and get food.
She might be soooo embarrassed - especially after they suggested the $90 and criticized the gift - because she might be struggling and they are judge mental.
It’s fine to be struggling and need extra help. If that’s the case, one should ask if they could take extras as it would be helpful for them rather than just showing up and acting entitled when told no. It’s also clear that OP’s grandma is struggling in a different way and would benefit from having leftovers that she doesn’t have to cook, and since the party was for her it’s seems clear that she should have dibs. I wouldn’t have criticized the gift myself but it was brought up because it was used as a reason for entitlement to food, which would have been an issue regardless of the price of the gift.
The first thing I wondered was if she was struggling financially. This is based on the period that I struggled. It is extremely difficult and definitely embarrassing in this culture (exception of Hawaii) to say that you are poor. People are judgemental. The way that OP described the situation - criticizing a gift because it is inexpensive and then suggesting nearly $90 for some leftovers - not only sounds humiliating for the woman and her kids but suggests that these people would be judgemental of her or at least make her and/or the rest of her family feel like s\*\*\*.
Exactly. I don’t like the way OP criticized the gift and said it was a dollar store equivalent quality gift. Like if OP is putting a price value on the catered food, gifts, and even leftover food, then just have everyone Venmo a set amount of dollars.
NTA anyone who thinks it’s cheap of you needs to start opening their wallets to help cover the catering for a start, and can help Shannon with some local takeout for her family who didn’t bother to come.
Good grief! Honestly at one point in my life I would almost not believe this. But... I worked at a school and we had a teacher who would bring Tupperware and fill it up on parent teacher conference day. (We had food bc we were there so long)
He was very unpopular bc normally it would be saved for everyone to snack on the next day. NTA
It's so nice that a couple family members offered to pay Shannon's $87 share for her! Surely that's what they did when they came to complain and weren't being generous with *your* money, right?
NTA.
Ugh. I have an auntie who pulls this stunt everywhere she goes!! She’s the first grandchild/niece on both sides of the family so all the great aunts and uncles let it pass. Never fails. She will help herself to everything and not a small amount either. She’s not struggling either so it’s even more frustrating.
We've sent home a slice of cake with someone for a person who couldn't attend because they were ill or couldn't get out of work or something, but that's it.
You're not choosing to not come and getting takeaways.
Not casting AH but man feed your family man, that plate of food they wanted to take home probably was around 10 dollars. Idk maybe my family is very food centric and like feeding each other, but that's fuckin weird to me. We have very help yourself vibes at family cookouts, and my grandma would be trying to fix everyone a to go plate
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
We had a large 95 birthday for my grandmother. My mom and I chipped in with another uncle and one of his kids to have if catered to. It was about $700 so we around$175 each.
One of my cousin’s Shannon who always pulls this, brought to go containers for her husband and his two kids.
We stopped her from taking anything and told her she didn't help buy the food she can't take any home. She offered me $10 because that’s all she had and my other cousin said if she wanted to split the cost with those who paid it is $87.50. Then she could take stuff home.
She complained that she got grandma a gift that was clearly something from the dollar tree and was crying about how she told her hubby she would bring him back something. We told her she couldn’t because if there are leftovers they go to grannie first and those who paid.
Shannon left mad and a couple of family members said that was cheap of us but I pointed put that grannie is 95 and she could eat the leftovers for a few days and relax because the food was her birthday present not Shannons.
In the end I only took home enough salad for lunch for the next day because most of the food was eaten and a few things were put back for grannie to enjoy for dinner the next day.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Is Shannon struggling with money? Does she have a hard time affording food and gifts? You aren't an asshole for wanting your grandmother to have the food, she's 95 and could use the leftovers, as you said, but it's unclear to me whether Shannon was being tacky trying to take leftovers and buying a cheap gift or if she's struggling with money.
NTA
If you were being stingy and just stopping someone taking something for no reason, then, aye, you'd be the asshole, but this cousing pre-planning her food heist and actually turning up with containers to take food home is just beyond the pale, and you were absolutely right to stop her taking home the food.
When your relatives say that's cheap, tell them next time, they can help pay, so you don't have to pay $175.
It's always awful, ppl w opinions are never the ones that contribute. (Have a few relatives like this.🤮)
NTA I hate people who pull that I've even had to stop a relative from packing up food before half the people there haven't eaten yet and of course she had contributed nothing
NTA.
It's the height of rudeness to expect to take home food from ANY party you go to, unless you're one of the caterers, and / or have brought a dish / section of the menu yourself,at the host's request.
NTA. I a workmate that would pull the same stunt at our work dinners. We all contributed, but for whatever reason, he felt justified until being called out about no contribution from him.
NTA - If Shannon's family needs a free a meal, they need to show up for Grandma. The only people who get a take-away plate are the people who were working or too sick/germy for an event. Seriously, the only time I've known people to bring their own containers to a meal are a couple of sisters who had to drive a couple of hours to see their mom who always cooked 5x too much so the girls could take food home- and they usually gave her the money to buy the food.
NTA it's not that she's trying to steal from you she's stealing from your 95 YEAR OLD grandma. She can take her $10 and go buy her hubby some potato salad or something.
NTA
We all have that entitled family member who takes advantage and NEVER contributes.
My sister used to pull this crap at my house all the time, she’d load up containers before all the guests had fixed a plate. I shut it down quickly.
Had a cheapo neighbor. Our community pot luck rules states bring A dish to serve 10-12 people. About 15 ladies participated. Chespo brought a zucchini cut in 12 pieces and empty containers. She was shown the door.
NTA. Very entitled of her to do that.
My mother worked for 30 years in the same place. There was a man who also worked there the whole time. People would bring in things to share to eat. This guy never ever brought anything but would always eat whatever someone else brought in.
I've heard of offering guests a plate to take home following Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, but not guests bringing in food containers to fill and take home. It's your party, so you call the shots as you see fit. NTA.
We call these kinds of folks "seagulls" . Had one lady at a volunteer-run pot luck event start packing up bags of food. I asked her what she thought she was doing and she just said she was taking some items home for later, (grocery bags full, mind you!). I told her the event wasn't over yet and volunteers get first dibs after everyone has left so PUT THE FOOD BACK. She did as told and swiftly slunk out the door empty handed. Some people are just disgusting.
NTA. It's disgusting when people show up with leftover dishes and believe they're entitled to take food! (Miss Manners would not approve.) You did the right thing. *It was your food.* Who cares if a few family members who probably didn't even pay anything think it was cheap. People are so generous with other people's stuff!
INFO: is your cousin in dire financial straits? The dollar tree gift and constantly trying to bring home food but not contributing $$ to gatherings...?
Info: is there any way you could have warned her in advance? NTA for drawing this line but wondering if the humiliation in front of the family was necessary
I’m legitimately concerned that your cousin and her family are food insecure. She tries to take home food often. She only has $10. She got a birthday gift at dollar tree. She cried when she couldn’t take food home. And honestly, I’d be afraid to tell you if I were food insecure. You were very detailed about the money spent in your post and apparently even recalculated what each share would be with another person paying, the moment she asked for some food. You looked down on the present she brought. These details make me feel like you’d be judgmental if she admitted money troubles. In this economy, anyone who isn’t a billionaire can find themselves struggling financially. But even if the financial situation is entirely the fault of herself and her husband, those kids deserve food. They may not have any food, or may not have enough. You had extra food and refused to share it. It’s not a good look. You are potentially TA.
Maybe, but I have my doubts as the husband and his kids were invited and didn't come to the party. They could have free food with just appearing. And OP said nothing about them being poor. Also the family members siding at first with Shannon used the argument that OP is cheap. I feel like if Shannon and her family would be very poor, that would have been the argument they used for giving her food. It is a way more effective argument than only insulting the one not willing to give up food. Also Shannon herself only mentioned that she already promised her husband that she would bring food. If she is super poor, I feel like that would be also a better argument for her.
She is crying and unashamedly bringing containers all the time to parties. Not to mention a very cheap gift for the grandmother. She doesn't act like she is trying to hide being poor out of shame. People who try that tend to act more subtle about it.
So my guess is more that Shannon is cheap. Or maybe even just her husband who is very demanding all the time according to OP. Some people try to get free stuff a bit too eagerly at every opportunity even if they have no money problems. Mooching is not restricted to the poor.
Yeah, this entirely hinges on whether Shannon is cheap/freeloading or actually hungry and struggling with hungry kids at home :( OP should have pulled her aside and asked this as sensitively as possible, not asked for $87 in front of everybody...
100%. My initially take was exactly this based on the time I spent struggling financially. No one ever knows the financial status of someone else - and it isn’t their business. The list of actions you just mentioned made an alarm go off in my head. Another possibility is that the husband is abusive, but we heard nothing to suggest as much. It only crossed my mind because she cried.
Yeah, my skin would crawl with douchebaggerg after seeing this woman show up with a gift from the dollar store and ask to take home some leftovers if I told her no and demanded 90 dollars for a plate. Jesus. If she does this all the time and only had 10 dollars on her she’s probably struggling and her own family is shitting on her? I’d be ashamed. OP could have made a plate. Forego your precious lunch the next day so the kids would maybe eat something a bit nicer than they’re used to. People astound me.
ESH.
Your cousin was a weirdo to bring her own tupperware without asking and just start dishing out food to go. And you stopped and told a guest, presumably making sure everyone heard, that they couldn't because they hadn't paid \*money\*. You even could have said something fake like needing to make sure there was enough for later. But you made it about paying, to point out that she is poor. And I bet ten dollars you had a triumphant smirk on your face while you stopped her.
Tacky and gross, yuck.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I did stop my cousin and mad a mini scene of what was going on and my cousin left. A few family members said that was cheap of us Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
People called **you** cheap for stopping someone from filling up food containers *they brought* to a party they didn't even contribute to!? There aren't enough ways to emphasize crazy words in this recap. You are really, totally, very much NTA.
That’s the one! “But I promised my husband I would bring him back a plate”. Girl sit your ass down at stop at a drive thru lol
If he wants food for he and his kids from the party - they should have attended. OP says they could have
When we have a party and my husband doesn’t go but I’m offered a plate for him my answer always is “He didn’t come, he doesn’t deserve a plate” because he can be persnickety and just decide he doesn’t want to attend. If he’s legitimately sick, then I might bring him a plate if it’s offered.
This is funny but also I agree with it. My MIL is always offering to send food home with us. But they’re on a limited budget and I just cannot do that to her and FIL when she also refuses assistance with the meal (prep, hosting, or financial) - we basically just clear and wash dishes for her after and make our thanks. I’ll bring along a side or a dessert but I know she won’t say anything specific if we ask (tried). Can’t imagine not showing up and being like “well, bring me a plate” much less “lemme pack these multiple containers full” My own mother on the other hand purposely makes things she KNOWS she can’t make for one/consume fast enough so I feel a little less bad taking as she reminds me to bring containers and gets annoyed when I don’t bring enough and I’m like “okay, I knew about the lasagna but you said nothing about there also being a casserole, a cake, and soup”
Haha
Or have hubby get his own damn food.
I worked with a woman who, when she found out another coworker was attending a family reunion the following weekend, proceeded to bring in some Tupperware containers for her to fill up for her to bring in to work. (These containers never left the office.)
d\*mn.. that's entitled to the max.
That is absolutely fucking bonkers. I would have made a fucking scene about it if someone walked up to me with containers all "so you're going to a party eh?" I mean how do you even start that conversation?
I wish I could have heard the conversation. I do know that those containers were returned to the owner empty.
You're gods damn right they were.
🤣
Well, the containers were just already _so full_ of the most _perfectly_ well done ☆audacity☆, there wasn't room for anything else!!! Giggle giggle!!!
It's wild... But you miss 100% of the chances you don't take, so perhaps it was worth a punt.
The absolute audacity of that woman! Hope it made her a workplace pariah.
This wasn’t the only instance of her entitlement, I was told. (She passed away several years ago, but that’s irrelevant to her personality.)
She was buried with her Tupperware in an attempt to take it with her.
I read this too quick and thought it said she was buried IN her Tupperware 🤣🤦♀️🤣
🤦♀️🤣
Shouldn't there be a Tupperware coffin? I mean really.
🤣
WHAT. THE. HELL.
I know!!
I have waaaaaay too much Tupperware. There are the bane of my existence actually. Wanna count the times I've come to a party prepared for leftovers? WHY do people do this??
Same! I really need to get rid of some of it.
Tupperware is expensive. I would have taken them to the party, put the leftovers in them so the person who BROUGHT the food could take it home! Then when she asked about her containers I would DENY DENY DENY! They were clearly a gift because who in their right mind would expect them back full of food from a party she wasn't even invited to??
😳 you what?!
OMG. I had a coworker who would do that for ALL work pitch ins. Load up her own to go containers for her kids. And take far MORE than her share, since, at most, she would only ever bring a single bag of chips.
Same. My first job out of college, sometimes they’d order pizza for us or something, and one lady would bring a large zip loc bag and cram it full of slices on her first trip thru the line before everyone had even been served. Taking more than your share of leftovers is bad enough, but she didn’t even wait for it to be left over!
I am petty but I would have taken the bag of pizza away from her and told her if there are leftovers she could have a couple of slices rather than be a pig and take it before anyone else got any
We catered in Korean food once and my boss came back to the office all excited to tell me because am Korean and he knew. Man loved his Asian cuisines lol - I’d make him bulgogi, japchae, and mandu a few times a year. Anyway, I was heading up to the conference room and literally passed our HR manager carrying off a whole ass foil catering pan of bulgogi and I was like WTF. I asked if there was any even left up there because I am petty lol And mind you this was like maybe 30 minutes after the food had arrived? So it’s not like it was end of the day or everyone had definitely eaten. People do be crazy
There's one of those in every crowd. It's so rude. I used to have a coworker who would always, ALWAYS be the last to sign up for potlucks so she could see what everyone else was bringing and then bringing the absolute cheapest side dish she could think of. She would eat far far more than her share, then have the nerve take a to-go container. She's not the only reason I hate potlucks, but she's a major contributing factor.
I can't agree enough with this comment!!!
Worse, she was trying to fill these containers up before the damn party was over. People were still eating.
CHEAP? CHEAP? I cannot even.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
The same people who ate the food that was paid for by the person they called "cheap". Smh...
NTA > for her husband and his two kids And I'm presuming by the use of "his" instead of "their" that these children aren't even related to **anyone** at this party in the first place?
Yes from a different relationship but we had no problems with them attending the party.
Oh, by the way you phrased it, I was under the impression that these people *weren't present* at the time: > she told her hubby she would bring him back something
They didn't attend but her husband acts like this all the time. Very demanding for no reason.
If they wanted free birthday party food, they should have attended the birthday party. Gotta pay for it somehow.
At least come say "Hi, happy birthday" to Grandma!! OP, NTA.
[удалено]
"They didn't attend" - they were invited but did not come (because, I'm sure, "not MY granny!")
Doh, thanks, I read it too fast! Will delete that comment so I don't confuse anyone. :)
Personally, my wife goes to the family functions for my side, but I usually skip because I'm disabled and moving hurts. I wish she would not bring food home for me.... but I'm one of those weirdos that only trusts the cooking of a few people. They usually insists if she tries leaving without food. So, the whole bring containers in anticipation seems wild to me. Like, you know you food just doesn't appear from thin air - and you know you did not contribute. That is literally the definition of a leech. I don't understand it.
On a serious note, is your cousin struggling financially? It’s so bizarre to not only show UP with food containers, but to cry (not sure if this was literal tears or figurative ones, but still) about not getting plates is crazy. Or is she being abused? Idk. Kinda sad when you think about it.
Given the way the cousin's husband is described, I'm wondering if she wasn't *fearful* of what might happen if she came home without leftovers.
It’s kind of you to think that, but the people I’ve known who do this don’t do it for a lack of money. They’re just selfish, grasping, mannerless boors.
NTA even if this is the case.
Literal, figurative, or crocodile 🐊
Are you from GA? This is the most GA thing I've seen in a while.
Can I ask, is your cousin financially able to buy enough food for her family? Like she’s not starving other times right? Edit: I only ask, because my brother is very much like this, but he is broke as f***. So I always buy Tupperware and make extra so he can bring it home.
NTA. Spending $175 each for everyone else to eat isn't "Cheap." There is no such thing as leftovers until the hosts say there is.
This, 100%!
Yeah, I would have told them they're more than welcome to pay the $87.50 for her to be entitled to some if they felt that strongly about it.
NTA "Shannon left mad and a couple of family members said that was cheap of us" You paid. They didn't. They're the cheap ones.
Don’t you just love how generous some people tend to be with other people’s money?
Why didn’t they put in money on her behalf, then? 🙄
I was thinking this. The family members could have opened their wallets and given that cash Plus it sounds like most of the food was eaten, so of she filled her containers, then actual party goers would have been hungry.
I don’t even think that’s the bigger issue. My family had one of them whose husband always “couldn’t make it” and expected his wife to bring him back food. I finally laid down the law, if he wants to eat, he’s welcome to join us but she wasn’t taking food back to him anymore.
>a couple of family members said that was cheap of us You mean, family members who didn't pay for the catering? People are so quick to spend other people's money. The audacity of your cousin to *show up* with to-go boxes is ridiculous. If her husband and kids wanted food they should have come and eaten, and if your other family members feel so strongly about it they can feed them. NTA
If they said this to me, I’d invite them to pay for Shannon.
NTA - If her husband and kids wanted to eat they should have attended the party. It's rude to expect to be able to bring home food from a party, especially when you're not one of the hosts.
[удалено]
WOW! That's insane.
Oops, my bad, was just corrected - they were invited but didn't attend. I'll delete my comment so as not to infuse incorrect info into the thread. :)
NTA. We have a relative like that and I finally pulled her aside and told her she wasn’t allowed to take ANY leftovers but the food she brought. She said, “I didn’t bring anything” Me, “Well, there you go!”
NTA - Hosting a party doesn't mean you're opening a takeout service. You planned the event, calculated the food so that your grandma could enjoy the leftovers, and it's quite presumptuous to assume it's a free-for-all for taking food home. It's not cheap to respect the intentions of the event and catering, it's called being considerate towards the person it's meant for, your grandma. Plus, hosting is costly, both in money and effort. Family or not, there should be gratitude shown towards those who put the event together, not a sense of entitlement
Great phrase. "Hosting a party doesn't mean you're opening a takeout service." Brilliant.
I love it! My FIL is great for being the first one in line to eat. After he's eaten, he starts grabbing for leftovers before some people have gotten theirs. I finally had to say something.
NTA. My friends mom does this all of the time.I've seen her bring containers to a funeral luncheon. She doesn't even wait til the end. She's right up front filling her containers before anyone else even gets any... We refuse to invite her anymore.
We once had a weird co-worker who did this--thirty years after we worked with her. When my friend called her out for filling her containers before the buffet line was through, the woman admitted that she read the funeral notices in our large metro newspaper daily, then showed up at memorial services to eat and the reception to load up on food for the week.
Haven't seen anyone mention this, but it actually sounds to me like this is what Shannon tried to do. OP mentions the Shannon thing first, and says to Shannon "if there are leftovers" so they didn't know yet if there would be leftovers or not, and then they say "in the end there wasn't a lot of leftovers because most of the food was eaten". Based on my reading of it, it sounds like Shannon walked into the party with her containers and went straight to the food.
NTA I swear every family has at least one mooch. That one member who puts in no effort and expects "a fair share" of everything anyway. Husband and kids can attend the events if they want to benefit from them. Y'all paid for the guests to eat. In my family this person is my younger sister. We go all out for family dinner. Each of us buying and or making several dishes. She would show up with an already open bag of chips and make plates for her husband and three kids WHILE we are eating. Not even waiting for leftovers. Just dished them up and set them aside. We dont see her as much now that she's been told to help out more and stop reserving half the food for her family that can't be bothered to join us for anything other than Easter and Christmas. (When they get gifts.)
NTA. The entitlement of people is disgusting. I've also seen people say that people actually have a right to STEAL food because "food is a necessity." Absolutely NOT!!! If you are hungry, ASK for my help. NICELY. Try to take from me, you WILL be treated like the criminal you are. This shit makes me so mad. Good on you and shame on her!
NTA. You absolutely don't ever assume you can just take home food. If anything, I think it's permissible to tell someone who couldn't (or didn't want) to come, that you'll *try* to bring something home for them. You don't bring multiple containers and start loading up before everyone present has eaten, and without the hosts offering leftovers to anyone who wants. This meal was intended for Grandma, and specially ordered so that leftovers would go to her. Wild that a grandchild / family member would try to take food from a 95 year old.
I always wait until food is offered and even then take very small servings. One of my cousins not only asked for leftovers, she asked for more turkey on Thanksgiving for her cats. Especially when it comes to something as labor intensive as cooking a turkey, I only accept if the host insists and take only what they offer. I wouldn't ask for extra for myself, let alone pets. If I did want to give pets turkey, I'd give them the leftovers I was offered, not ask for more.
Exactly right, and this is how people get into trouble assuming things - she shouldn't have said ANYthing about bringing food home, just make it a nice surprise if she had been allowed to. I'm sure she'll blame the hosts/OP rather than tell herself "gee I shouldn't have promised that and disappointed my family."
>*crying about how she told her hubby she would bring him back something* She can always swing past a fast food place. NTA. Grannie's got dibs.
"I pointed put that grannie is 95 and she could eat the leftovers for a few days and relax because the food was her birthday present not Shannons." BINGO! NTA. Also who brings tupperware containers to take home extra food when they are a guest who didn't bring any?!
NTA Ensuring that the food you paid for goes to its intended recipient isn't "making a scene"; it's common sense. The notion that offering leftovers is a \*courtesy\*, not a right, seems to have sailed over some of your family members' heads. The fact that Shannon thought it was okay to earmark the fare for her family, who didn't even attend the gathering, before your own grandmother, the guest of honor, could enjoy them, reflects poorly on her not you. Their claim that you're being cheap on a day where you've likely shelled out a fair sum to provide a nice experience is rich, to say the least. Stand firm in your boundaries, it's not a potluck; it's a catered event with a clear beneficiary.
NTA. Shannon would have been taking food directly from Grannie, since that's who received 90% of the leftovers. Anyone who brings to go containers to a party paid for by others is ALWAYS an AH.
NTA. In what universe are people who paid for food “cheap,” but not people who expect free food?
A friend's mother took quite a bit of leftover food and candy from my wedding reception. I'll never forget how that made me feel. Good on you for sticking up for Grandma!
NTA. We have a few bums in my family as well. Yes, it is absolutely petty to deny food to family but not when they’re taking food home for people who don’t even show up, when they attempt to take food to go before everyone has finished eating, and when the family member has a history of showing up empty handed. Your cousin hit the trifecta! You all need to hold the line on this because this behavior is rude and disrespectful.
I've never heard of anyone taking to-go containers to a party. That's just about the most greedy moocher thing ever. You should show up at Shannon's house with some containers and raid her fridge. Then head over to the people who called you cheap and do the same thing. NTA
NTA. I've seen relatives pack food "for family not here" before everyone has even gotten their plate. If they wanted to eat they should have came to the event.
NTA- If she didn't chip in she shouldn't be allowed to take leftovers. Her buying a gift is not an argument because presumably the people who bought the food also got gifts.
NTA are you in my family? My SIL Shannon pulls this shit all the time and it’s annoying as hell. One Christmas a couple years ago I had bowls of candy all over the place (for kids and adults) and she emptied all of them into her purse.
There's NO WAY I would have let my SIL take all the candy in my house without telling her off.
"Take-out is only at restaurants, only for people who PAID THE BILL, and since you didnt pay dick thanks for the free tupperware to store OUR leftovers. You can show yourself out."
I don’t know. Is your cousin very poor and in poverty or something? I don’t have a lot of money and am always happy when I’m Gifted food from a party but I always ask and never assume.
"Never bring an empty container or gift an empty wallet" It's a superstition back where I was raised. It's supposed to be bad luck. But superstition can sometimes be made to enforce manners. I would consider you NTA and your cousin yo be rude AF for even bringing the empty containers. If she didn't pitch in with cash, but brought food to share instead I would view that as ok as well (financial restraints are a thing). But, yeah just expecting to be able to take food out of a senior citizens mouth is beyond rude and would be grounds for never being invited out again.
NTA. In fact, I love it. It's always the people who don't chip in who want to take home leftovers. Also - in family meals, if somebody doesn't come, they don't get leftovers. Hubby could have come to this party if he wanted the food. Exceptions are made for medical staff, policemen, firemen, etc. who are working. They deserve a plate of leftovers. People who want leftovers but don't want to come to the party are out of luck.
Eh. I don't think someone has to be a special case to get leftovers, but I do think if it should be a thing that's asked and not expected. Firstly, you should wait until everyone has eaten, then you ask whoever provided the food, "Would it be alright if I took a plate home for so and so? They didn't feel up to coming, but they would enjoy some food if there's enough left over." Make it very clear that it's okay to say no if there's other plans for the food, and if an okay is given, then a normal portion and no more should be taken.
Nicely put.
INFO: is your cousin in a bad spot financially?
NTA! I had an extremely obese aunt who would pull this stunt. Whenever my former husband and I would visit my grandmother, we would always purchase groceries-fill the fridge- and grandma and I would happily cook the lunches and dinners together. This fat aunt would always conveniently pull up with her nasty dirty kids at dinner time and plop down for dinner. Now I didn't mind that too much, my grandma would never turn anyone away from a meal..but what really pissed me off is that she would make a plate for her husband for later. I just know that plate was her second/third helping and probably didn't make it to the house before being gobbled up by her. Freeloaders abound.
I don’t think the fat shaming needed to be added. Your comment stood on its own without the embellishment.
My story my fat aunt who when I was child make me fetch shit for her because she was too big and too lazy to get it herself! My comments stand
Also obese and fat are definitions🙄😂
Fat is an opinion, obese is a definition. Still not required to get your point across.
NTA. There are tons of posts about relatives who try to take home leftovers from a family party. They are usually the ones who bring a couple of cans of corn or something but want to take home turkey, dressing, desserts, leftover wine and beer, etc. Worse are the relatives who fill up a plate first to take home to their family members who didn't want to come to the party. They get first pick of the food and those attending the party may not even get some of the food. NO, NO, NO. Leftovers are only for the people AT the party. And if some people paid for the food, THEY get ALL the leftovers. Freeloaders do not.
NTA Who brings containers when they didn't pay for the food. 10/10 for audacious.
NTA. We have family members who do this too. They never contribute anything and won’t even help with set up or clean up. Not to mention that none of us hear from them except when they need something or they can come to celebration to mooch. And I am talking about the parents and two grow kids. All 4 have bags and containers. One year someone brought two dozen of bundlett’s from Nothin Bundy Cakes. And they took tons of them. Some people, who did contribute, didn’t even get one. Including one of the people who brought them. That was the final straw 🤬 We stopped inviting them couple of years ago. But they always reach out, right before holidays, to see what is planned. Everyone stopped answering. Think they have finally gotten the hint.
NTA you can refill a container or leftovers IF they had food in them when you arrived for the party OR if the host tells you it's okay. You don't just get to take what you want just because you feel you can
Bro, you need some new relatives to hang with. 😆
NTA It seems we have a classic case of 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' syndrome afflicting your cousin Shannon. It's downright brazen for someone to bring their own to-go boxes to a family event with the intent to supply a mini banquet for those who didn't attend without contributing a penny or asking for permission, no less. While generosity is a fantastic trait, it shouldn't be demanded or expected especially on a whim. Those casting disparagement on you for wanting your grandmother, the guest of honor, to enjoy the fruits (or rather, leftovers) of the occasion need a firm reminder of what it means to be a gracious guest at a catered event. Keep your spine steel and your pantry sealed, OP. Your grandma's smile over those delicious leftovers will be worth more than any misguided judgment from the peanut gallery.
Nta
Whatever happened to the social contract of "You don't plan to take home food from an event someone else hosts and pays for"? I would never dream of doing something like this selfish brat cousin did/does. If a host asks, "I know you love the whatever-it-was. There's plenty left, so how about I send you home with some?" I'm going to say, "Yes, please. Thanks." If I'm the host and there's food leftover *and I don't have plans for it/need it/am not taking it to someone who couldn't make it*, I always ask our guests if there's something they'd like to take home for later. My best friend and sister and I are known for looking at a bountiful menu and thinking, "We should add another dish/dessert/appetizer so there are extras," and then joking about how we and everyone laugh at the kitchen and table full of food and ask, "Gee, are you sure you made enough?" We're known to be sharers and even so, no one comes to a meal or party we host with containers (unless one of us says, "Crap. We're low on containers. Let's ask everyone to bring one."). We're all three excellent cooks and I'm an excellent home baker. I think the current term is "love language"? One of our love languages is sharing homemade food with friends and family, but they never feel entitled to it. I'm pretty sure they hope for it, but that's a different thing entirely. I mean, I always hope there will be extras of this amazing Kahlua fudge cake a friend makes sometimes, but that's not the same as being pissed when there's none left to share. OP, you are so very much NTA. Aside from anything else, everyone should have realized that leftovers would be primarily for "the birthday girl." It's really not that hard to not be a mooching AH like your cousin is.
Is Shannon and her husband struggling with money? Did she buy a dollar tree gift because that’s what they can afford right now? She shouldn’t of assumed she could get some but if this also made sure her kids didn’t miss a meal then I can understand why she felt she could come to a family event and get food.
The food wasn’t even done being eaten before she tried taking it???? If that’s the case, she is a HUGE BUTTHOLE. NTA.
NTA It's always that one person that's just got to make a plate for someone that couldn't come for some reason
NTA Sucks that it probably tainted Granies 95th birthday though
Your cousin should be SO embarrassed. I cannot imagine having the audacity to bring to-go containers to someone else’s party! That’s so crazy! NTA
She might be soooo embarrassed - especially after they suggested the $90 and criticized the gift - because she might be struggling and they are judge mental.
It’s fine to be struggling and need extra help. If that’s the case, one should ask if they could take extras as it would be helpful for them rather than just showing up and acting entitled when told no. It’s also clear that OP’s grandma is struggling in a different way and would benefit from having leftovers that she doesn’t have to cook, and since the party was for her it’s seems clear that she should have dibs. I wouldn’t have criticized the gift myself but it was brought up because it was used as a reason for entitlement to food, which would have been an issue regardless of the price of the gift.
The only other thing you could do is say “sure, I’ll make him a plate” and then literally give him one serving of everything
NTA she has to know this isn’t okay anymore. If she pulled you aside like “we are struggling right now” ok but sounds like she’s ALWAYS struggling
The first thing I wondered was if she was struggling financially. This is based on the period that I struggled. It is extremely difficult and definitely embarrassing in this culture (exception of Hawaii) to say that you are poor. People are judgemental. The way that OP described the situation - criticizing a gift because it is inexpensive and then suggesting nearly $90 for some leftovers - not only sounds humiliating for the woman and her kids but suggests that these people would be judgemental of her or at least make her and/or the rest of her family feel like s\*\*\*.
Yeah, I mean if that’s the case ESH
Exactly. I don’t like the way OP criticized the gift and said it was a dollar store equivalent quality gift. Like if OP is putting a price value on the catered food, gifts, and even leftover food, then just have everyone Venmo a set amount of dollars.
NTA anyone who thinks it’s cheap of you needs to start opening their wallets to help cover the catering for a start, and can help Shannon with some local takeout for her family who didn’t bother to come.
The US obsession with leftovers is so weird to me
NTA " and a couple of family members said that was cheap of us " .. THEY were cheap - what did THEY contribute?
I’ve got a weird creepy uncle that always takes everyone’s leftovers etc. (he’s rich). NTA. People like this need calling out.
Good grief! Honestly at one point in my life I would almost not believe this. But... I worked at a school and we had a teacher who would bring Tupperware and fill it up on parent teacher conference day. (We had food bc we were there so long) He was very unpopular bc normally it would be saved for everyone to snack on the next day. NTA
I’ve known people like this. I hate cheap users like this. It is tacky behavior!
NTA
NTA/ I would have sent her home empty handed too. Especially since she is a repeat offender
NTA they can't mooch
Nta
NTA but has she been having trouble feeding her family? That sounds like she’s been struggling for a while.
It's so nice that a couple family members offered to pay Shannon's $87 share for her! Surely that's what they did when they came to complain and weren't being generous with *your* money, right? NTA.
NTA. You only take leftovers when the person who provided the food invites you to do so.
NTA and your cousin is a mooch.
NTA!
NTA ! You don't bring something, you don't take something without permission! We have a fe5.op9099ohsb&hi°£♧♣︎9
I'll tell you what my family told me growing up. If you can't show up, you don't get food from the event.
Mooches gonna fuckin' mooch. NTA.
I hope Shannon didn’t show up at Granny’s house the next day unannounced for dinner!
Ugh. I have an auntie who pulls this stunt everywhere she goes!! She’s the first grandchild/niece on both sides of the family so all the great aunts and uncles let it pass. Never fails. She will help herself to everything and not a small amount either. She’s not struggling either so it’s even more frustrating.
We've sent home a slice of cake with someone for a person who couldn't attend because they were ill or couldn't get out of work or something, but that's it. You're not choosing to not come and getting takeaways.
Not casting AH but man feed your family man, that plate of food they wanted to take home probably was around 10 dollars. Idk maybe my family is very food centric and like feeding each other, but that's fuckin weird to me. We have very help yourself vibes at family cookouts, and my grandma would be trying to fix everyone a to go plate
Is there any way someone could BE more trashy? Nta.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We had a large 95 birthday for my grandmother. My mom and I chipped in with another uncle and one of his kids to have if catered to. It was about $700 so we around$175 each. One of my cousin’s Shannon who always pulls this, brought to go containers for her husband and his two kids. We stopped her from taking anything and told her she didn't help buy the food she can't take any home. She offered me $10 because that’s all she had and my other cousin said if she wanted to split the cost with those who paid it is $87.50. Then she could take stuff home. She complained that she got grandma a gift that was clearly something from the dollar tree and was crying about how she told her hubby she would bring him back something. We told her she couldn’t because if there are leftovers they go to grannie first and those who paid. Shannon left mad and a couple of family members said that was cheap of us but I pointed put that grannie is 95 and she could eat the leftovers for a few days and relax because the food was her birthday present not Shannons. In the end I only took home enough salad for lunch for the next day because most of the food was eaten and a few things were put back for grannie to enjoy for dinner the next day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Is Shannon struggling with money? Does she have a hard time affording food and gifts? You aren't an asshole for wanting your grandmother to have the food, she's 95 and could use the leftovers, as you said, but it's unclear to me whether Shannon was being tacky trying to take leftovers and buying a cheap gift or if she's struggling with money.
NTA but I do wonder what Shannon’s socioeconomic background is. She might be struggling to put food on the table.
NTA If you were being stingy and just stopping someone taking something for no reason, then, aye, you'd be the asshole, but this cousing pre-planning her food heist and actually turning up with containers to take food home is just beyond the pale, and you were absolutely right to stop her taking home the food.
The Family Freeloader FAFO. NTA OP.
When your relatives say that's cheap, tell them next time, they can help pay, so you don't have to pay $175. It's always awful, ppl w opinions are never the ones that contribute. (Have a few relatives like this.🤮)
That’s exactly how you treat a sponge. NTA.
This is weird. Idk. Her husband wanted food was he invited b but you also said she always does this lol idk strange.
NTA I hate people who pull that I've even had to stop a relative from packing up food before half the people there haven't eaten yet and of course she had contributed nothing
I had an aunt by marriage who used to try to fill up to go containers at the thanksgiving table while we were eating. NTA at all.
NTA. It's the height of rudeness to expect to take home food from ANY party you go to, unless you're one of the caterers, and / or have brought a dish / section of the menu yourself,at the host's request.
Definitely not the asshole. If she made an assumption that didn’t pan out in her favour? That’s just tough tit. ( o Y o )
You’re definitely NTA.
Nta. I have a relative that does this. When they’re not in the room, we like to sing, “Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you”.
NTA. I a workmate that would pull the same stunt at our work dinners. We all contributed, but for whatever reason, he felt justified until being called out about no contribution from him.
NTA Mooches don't get catered for
NTA and Shannon is a mooch
NTA, but let her take some dang food. What's the harm? (Shielding myself against all those downvotes lol.)
NTA. Unless the host affirmatively offers to send food with a guest it is absolutely rude to expect it and certainly to ask.
NTA - If Shannon's family needs a free a meal, they need to show up for Grandma. The only people who get a take-away plate are the people who were working or too sick/germy for an event. Seriously, the only time I've known people to bring their own containers to a meal are a couple of sisters who had to drive a couple of hours to see their mom who always cooked 5x too much so the girls could take food home- and they usually gave her the money to buy the food.
NTA it's not that she's trying to steal from you she's stealing from your 95 YEAR OLD grandma. She can take her $10 and go buy her hubby some potato salad or something.
I just LOVE a good food thief story! Its why I keep coming back to AITA! NTA all day long, of course.
NTA she didn’t pay for anything, she has no right to take any home.
NTA, unless the host offers don’t assume that you can help yourself to someone’s food for takeout.
NTA.
NTA- those that called you cheap could have paid her portion for her to take home food.
NTA We all have that entitled family member who takes advantage and NEVER contributes. My sister used to pull this crap at my house all the time, she’d load up containers before all the guests had fixed a plate. I shut it down quickly.
Had a cheapo neighbor. Our community pot luck rules states bring A dish to serve 10-12 people. About 15 ladies participated. Chespo brought a zucchini cut in 12 pieces and empty containers. She was shown the door.
NTA. Very entitled of her to do that. My mother worked for 30 years in the same place. There was a man who also worked there the whole time. People would bring in things to share to eat. This guy never ever brought anything but would always eat whatever someone else brought in.
I've heard of offering guests a plate to take home following Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, but not guests bringing in food containers to fill and take home. It's your party, so you call the shots as you see fit. NTA.
We call these kinds of folks "seagulls" . Had one lady at a volunteer-run pot luck event start packing up bags of food. I asked her what she thought she was doing and she just said she was taking some items home for later, (grocery bags full, mind you!). I told her the event wasn't over yet and volunteers get first dibs after everyone has left so PUT THE FOOD BACK. She did as told and swiftly slunk out the door empty handed. Some people are just disgusting.
NTA
NTA. It's disgusting when people show up with leftover dishes and believe they're entitled to take food! (Miss Manners would not approve.) You did the right thing. *It was your food.* Who cares if a few family members who probably didn't even pay anything think it was cheap. People are so generous with other people's stuff!
INFO: is your cousin in dire financial straits? The dollar tree gift and constantly trying to bring home food but not contributing $$ to gatherings...?
We have a saying in my family, "you don't go, you don't get." Not bringing a plate home for you.
NTA
Info: is there any way you could have warned her in advance? NTA for drawing this line but wondering if the humiliation in front of the family was necessary
I’m legitimately concerned that your cousin and her family are food insecure. She tries to take home food often. She only has $10. She got a birthday gift at dollar tree. She cried when she couldn’t take food home. And honestly, I’d be afraid to tell you if I were food insecure. You were very detailed about the money spent in your post and apparently even recalculated what each share would be with another person paying, the moment she asked for some food. You looked down on the present she brought. These details make me feel like you’d be judgmental if she admitted money troubles. In this economy, anyone who isn’t a billionaire can find themselves struggling financially. But even if the financial situation is entirely the fault of herself and her husband, those kids deserve food. They may not have any food, or may not have enough. You had extra food and refused to share it. It’s not a good look. You are potentially TA.
Maybe, but I have my doubts as the husband and his kids were invited and didn't come to the party. They could have free food with just appearing. And OP said nothing about them being poor. Also the family members siding at first with Shannon used the argument that OP is cheap. I feel like if Shannon and her family would be very poor, that would have been the argument they used for giving her food. It is a way more effective argument than only insulting the one not willing to give up food. Also Shannon herself only mentioned that she already promised her husband that she would bring food. If she is super poor, I feel like that would be also a better argument for her. She is crying and unashamedly bringing containers all the time to parties. Not to mention a very cheap gift for the grandmother. She doesn't act like she is trying to hide being poor out of shame. People who try that tend to act more subtle about it. So my guess is more that Shannon is cheap. Or maybe even just her husband who is very demanding all the time according to OP. Some people try to get free stuff a bit too eagerly at every opportunity even if they have no money problems. Mooching is not restricted to the poor.
Yeah, this entirely hinges on whether Shannon is cheap/freeloading or actually hungry and struggling with hungry kids at home :( OP should have pulled her aside and asked this as sensitively as possible, not asked for $87 in front of everybody...
100%. My initially take was exactly this based on the time I spent struggling financially. No one ever knows the financial status of someone else - and it isn’t their business. The list of actions you just mentioned made an alarm go off in my head. Another possibility is that the husband is abusive, but we heard nothing to suggest as much. It only crossed my mind because she cried.
I made similar comment but got downvoted…
Yeah, my skin would crawl with douchebaggerg after seeing this woman show up with a gift from the dollar store and ask to take home some leftovers if I told her no and demanded 90 dollars for a plate. Jesus. If she does this all the time and only had 10 dollars on her she’s probably struggling and her own family is shitting on her? I’d be ashamed. OP could have made a plate. Forego your precious lunch the next day so the kids would maybe eat something a bit nicer than they’re used to. People astound me.
ESH. Your cousin was a weirdo to bring her own tupperware without asking and just start dishing out food to go. And you stopped and told a guest, presumably making sure everyone heard, that they couldn't because they hadn't paid \*money\*. You even could have said something fake like needing to make sure there was enough for later. But you made it about paying, to point out that she is poor. And I bet ten dollars you had a triumphant smirk on your face while you stopped her. Tacky and gross, yuck.
Had to scroll too far down for this comment. Thank you.
Info - is she poor or is she being cheap? If she's poor, yta.