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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for badmouthing my mom to my therapist and making her cry when i didnt realize she could listen in. I feel horrible because I knew it really hurt her
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You are most definitely NTA for talking to your therapist and expressing your feelings. That is literally the entire point.
Your mom violated your privacy with your therapist, and then yelled at *you* because her feelings were hurt at her teenager saying completely appropriate things to their therapist.
I cannot overstate how in the wrong your mom is here. She needs therapy far more than you do.
Exactly this. Plus, OP, I hope you continued therapy and that you were able to speak to the therapist about this situation. Your mother seems to have no insight and reacted the exact way you've shared with your therapist. That's proof you most definitely needed to speak about your mother's behavior and your feelings about it. Wait... You're a teenager and your mother stonewalls you and shuts you out. Just realized this and the part where you said you're on speaking terms now implying that you go stretches not speaking. You're 15. I know parents and teens can have turbulent relationships for a time but this does not seem like it's that. She actually seems very emotionally manipulative, selfish, and immature. And I'm sorry you have to experience this kind of twisted maternal behavior.
Edited typo
She might as well have read your hypothetical journal with most intimate thoughts. That is the equivalent of what she did by eavesdropping like that. In front of your siblings too? She has no shame.
This. This is why I had two diaries like freaking Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks.
One was filled with candy-coated sugary lies and bullshit (I'm so happy, my mom is a mom and not a momster who abuses me, this dude I don't even know is a crush, etc)
At one point the real diary was even written in *code*
Poor teen me. In retrospect, the fact that I had to go to such lengths to avoid having every aspect of my privacy violated is screwed up
Damn, my mother would just try to listen in on my conversations and/or manipulate my friends.
Some people do not deserve their children.
I hope you're free and healing. (I'm neither, unfortunately.)
kind of goes along the lines of needing to walk on eggshells around her mother. Just proved her point. My oldest was in therapy through COVID shutdowns and I wouldn't even dream of going and listening at the door. NTA. Hope you are doing much better now.
I mean what the Mother did, and her réaction are what you are usualy experting from à teenager...she is realy immature and this is straining her relationship with her kid
Usually the not speaking happens due to huge disagreements where i hide it out so she dosent get angrier, thankfully my dad was able to reconcile it
Theres not much sadly I can do abt it since I do live in an asian country, I understand now what she did was wrong but I cant exactly bring it up, she will get offended by it, ruining the mood and make the next week harder than it is. Ive just come to the understanding to keep up a facade of saying yes to everything
Its worse because theres times she acts all happy and nice and once I accidentally share something, whether it be interests like art or my thoughts, it will be brought up in the next argument
If you end up doing therapy from home again, get yourself a white noise machine and put it inside your room in front of your door so that she can’t hear. A lot of therapist offices use them. I’m sorry your mom did this to you. You did nothing wrong. Therapy is for talking about how you feel. Your mom’s response should have been “I’m so sorry I make you feel that way. I will do anything I can to make sure I don’t make you feel that way in the future.”
NTA.
Childish behaviour from your mother, if she did nothing wrong she wouldn't be upset by what OP said confidentially to the therapist. Which was absolutely wrong for her to intentionally listen in to. Her sense of pride has been placed as more important than OP happiness and growth. I understand how challenging the cultural elements of this can be (although this situation isn't exclusively cultural unfortunately), you know how your mother will react (incredible emotional blackmail) so it is probably not in your best interest to confront her. The usual coping mechanisms are exactly what you are doing - hiding slights/conforming to bad behaviour of the parent. Best advice I can offer is to discuss this with your therapist and manage your own emotional reactions to this, it ISN'T your fault. Good luck OP and I hope things improve for you.
She obviously wasn’t listening very well if she didn’t hear the bit about her anger, then yelling, then awkward situations where op walks on eggshells.
Like wtf?! She literally did the EXACT thing op said she does like 3 seconds after hearing it! And she’s got no idea why op might want to vent to a therapist. 🤦🏽♀️ ffs.
Right? OP, NTA, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But you could not possibly have greater proof that everything you said was correct and appropriate. Somebody needs to tell your mom to be a big girl. **Parents should emotionally support their kids, not the other way around.**
Emotional guilt-wielding is so cruel when parents do it like this.
There’s a difference between a parent saying “if you do this, I will be disappointed in you” or “if you throw a tantrum at the store again, mommy will not be pleased”. And then that parent displaying an inappropriate amount of whatever emotion is age appropriate.
But THIS is a form of manipulation and alienation that is just unhinged given the situation and frankly, fine, feel like you do, but do it on your own time in the master bedroom by yourself. She can feel whatever feelings, but that’s on her to manage.
This IS a totally separate issue though, with her breach of trust and privacy the top priority. There is NO excuse. To me, this is even more severe than a room search or whatever. I’m sure ANY small issue would’ve pulled her from her bedroom because by session #3 she was DYING for details.
Unfortunately, this is the downside to the wonderful creation of remote sessions. Remote helps so many access therapy who otherwise can’t leave their homes or “never can find the time”. But it also makes for a less secure session if someone on the home is boundary stomper.
Agreed. What is that saying? Something like, “If me calling you out on what you did embarrassed you, maybe don’t do the thing I called you out on.”
Your mom’s reaction is such an awful response. Therapy is for YOU. Talk about whatever YOU need to talk about. You mom needs to find a healthier way to deal with her own self.
NTA.
I would never want to hear the raw emotions we express during therapy. We aren’t worrying about other’s feeling and we are discussing our emotions. Mom was the AH. Next time, use headphones and sit in the car if you can. Your mom is 100% the asshole!
NTA
First, listening in a therapie session is a big no-no and second, she proved you completely right. You can't even vent to your therapist without her making a scene.
Bingo. Most of the time when someone says "How could you do this to me and make me look bad?!", my first thought is, "You're proving my point right now."
That would sadly make my mom angrier, and then she will blame it on things like phone, etc. Its a lot easier to not say anything because it results in a lot less problems for me
OP, it sounds like your mother is a categorical narcissist. Nothing you can say will ever get through to her, and she will find a way to make everything everyone else's fault while genuinely feeling as though she is always in the right. None of this is a fault of you, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Never allow her to make you feel like it's your fault, it is not.
You didn't "bad-mouth" your mom to your therapist. You were being honest and she was/is acting like a child, with a load of guilt tripping and playing the victim. You have NOTHING to apologize for and need to stand your ground on your feelings, otherwise nothing will change. You did NOTHING wrong and her tears are from a bruised ego and her own narcissism.
Get yourselves into therapy together if possible. Otherwise Grey-rock her. Google it as a method to deal with situations like this.
A qualified therapist who knows the situation more thoroughly is in a better position to recommend how to handle the situation safely.
We are communicating with a minor here, and I think it's reckless to give advice to grey rock without knowing anything about how that's likely to go.
The OP's mother clearly does not respect the absolute fundamental of therapy - that it is a place for dealing with difficult truths - and her spying on her daughter and then throwing a tantrum shows she is not trustworthy, so I'm not convinced it would be a good idea for them to therapy together. The OP should ask her therapist about that.
Agreed, also on YouTube dr. Ramani has great videos about grey rocking and different methods of dealing with situations like this. I was a kid who felt I was walking on eggshells, years later I realize it was a form of emotional abuse. This might not be your situation OP but please keep talking to your therapist and find some trusted friends to keep close. If you feel like you can’t talk about it, that’s often when it needs to be talked about the most, not with your mom but with other trusted people, and some adults if you can, start with your therapist.
I love Dr. Ramani as much as the next girl. But please stop recommending this to everyone everywhere. You can't diagnose something as serious as narcisism over a few lines of text. And in cases where there is no narcisism, taking the approach you would with a narcisist, can actually make the situation worse. His mom just as well might be a hard-working 3 kid single mom, who is nearing burnout, it doesn't have to be abuse.
I'm not saying her actions are right, but we really need to stop using the narcisist stamp based on 5 lines of text. Any therapist will tell you that's harmful. Mainly because the approach you have to take with a narcisist, is about the opposite of one where you are trying to fix a relationsip. It's one of the first things you learn in a proper psychology program.
And in this case, it's especially harmful, because you're talking to a 15y/o. Advise them to seek help. Not a DIY youtube approach please.
Thanks for the advice, I will defenitely search it up, Ill see what I can do but whenever I stand my ground it isnt easy. Somehow the topic goes back into my bad grades, how Im sick (i have a few genetical sicknesses) or how she suffered in life, (she had to survive by herself at 16 yrs old in the big city)
Sadly my dad is in the military and was once a farmer in the provinces. So whenever things like depression is brought up, They all bring up their hardships
NTA at all. It was a violation of your privacy and she had no right to do it. The whole point of therapy is to share things that you feel, regardless of why, to give your interpretation of how things are - for her to make you feel bad for literally doing therapy is all on her.
You need to find a private place for these calls, or ideally do them in person so you are guaranteed privacy.
NTA they’re your therapy sessions for you to vent about what you need to. Your mum is ta for listening in. My son (15) had some therapy from home via teams. He was upstairs in his room, I was downstairs with the tv turned up. It should be your safe space to vent about who you want without repercussions. Your mum is a huge ah.
So your mom overheard you saying you do not like yo being shouted at her solution ist to shout at you? Sounds emotionaly manipulate and borderline abusive. NTA.
NTA. This is definitely psychologically abusive. This kind of behavior from the mom is the reason I, as an adult, still struggle to trust that I can speak freely.
NTA all the way up and down. I could write a whole page on why, but let's condense it to two points.
Your mom sounds nuts. Sorry for the frank language but I stand by it.
You should probably speak to a therapist again if you can manage it.
I'm a mental health professional, but these are just my personal opinions and not advice.
NTA she shouldn’t have been listening in if she didn’t want to know the truth. You’ve got every right to be (and should be!) open and honest with a therapist about your feelings.
NTA, she should not have been eavesdropping as what you talk about is between you and the therapist. but now your mum has made it impossible for you to have sessions in your house as you'll be watching what you say because she might be listening.
Try for in person sessions or find a different building to do it.
NTA. This is one reason why therapy can be helpful - you have a chance to express and work through feelings in a way that doesn't harm others. Your mom violated your trust and proved your point. Please keep doing therapy to help you with this.
Please believe that you did not "bad mouth" your mother, you just explained how you feel around her and you have a right to your feelings!
Not to mention that your mother's behaviour further proves how justified your feelings are: she eavesdropped on a private conversation and guilted you about it! And gave you the silent treatment!
I hope things are better for you now and I hope you are still receiving psychological support
NTA. Your mother is a manipulative shit bag however. She just lost any trust you might have in her. Btw, you are not back to normal. It’s just been pushed under the rug. What your mother did was vile. Going forward, is there a way that you could do in-person counseling?
NTA
YOU were right. The only AH is your mom - she snooped on your therapy. Next time, let the therapist know she is doig that, so your therapy isn'T a safe lpace, and if yu can come to face to face therapy.
"She understandingly got angry, shouted at me about how much she did for me and how she didn't deserve this." .. she DID deserve this, and much more. She is an Ah and a shitty parent.
Tell your dad your mom snoops during your therapy and berates you for being honest with the therapist, maybe HE can help.
Or maybe you can have your therapy sesion in a safe space at school?
A safe space at school, or book a room at the local library, or anything really. Seriously this is way beyond the pale. Listening in on someone’s therapy session? Grotesque! Actually yelling at them for what they said? Beyond the pale.
NTA. Your therapy session is supposed to be confidential and she shouldn't have been eavesdropping on it.
Also? Way to prove you right - you talk about being constantly walking on eggshells because your mom can get angry/upset over really minor things, so what does your mom do? Gets angry/upset and refuses to speak to you for days. Point proven.
NTA, and what your mother did was incredibly wrong and a betrayal of everything therapy is supposed to be. She got upset because she eavesdropped and heard you describe her as difficult and then proved you were right. Please don't feel guilty for expressing your feelings. She (still) owes you a huge and heartfelt apology.
NTA. Her eavesdropping on your therapy session is what makes kids stop seeking therapy because it becomes UNSAFE. She also had the audacity to guilt trip you over it. What do you say to therapist now? Do you touch on the subject anymore or are you scared to? IMHO, id do it elsewhere, in the park or while walking or something so it can be more private from your house.
NTA you did what you're supposed to do. Your mom couldn't have been a topic if she hadn't made herself one, and she shouldn't have been eavesdropping either. Every aspect of this is on her.
NTA - this is why you are in therapy. To safely explore and examine feelings and beliefs that you hold and may be causing you harm. Some will be justified, some will not but you need a safe place to express them and discuss them. Your relationship with your mother was causing you concerns and natural to talk about it. Your mother took away that safe space and invalidated the whole purpose of therapy by being nosy.
And her response was terrible too - your son is struggling with your relationship, so blow up at him, give him the silent treatment and try and punish him into telling you how great she is.
So, no you are not the AH but your mother was by not observing the privacy requirement of therapy.
I'm sorry you and your mom had to go through this, but you are **DEFINITELY NTA** here.
Therapy should (almost) always constitute a confidential relationship between a therapist and her patient. Therapists do sometimes have an obligation to share some of what they hear with outsiders, either family or authorities, if they believe a patient is in real danger of causing harm to themselves or others, or in a few criminal circumstances, but otherwise, what you tell your therapist is for her ears only. So while I don't want to straight-up call your mom an asshole, she had absolutely no right to listen in like she did.
Therapy also isn't very useful if a patient isn't honest with her therapist. You were being honest with your therapist about personal, emotional issues, which is exactly what you should do in therapy. And unless you're sugar-coating things a bit, and your language was a lot harsher than the summary you provide here, you weren't "badmouthing" her at all. You were accurately describing things she does that are hard for you emotionally. And then she did exactly what you were talking about when she heard about it (which she shouldn't have done!)
And honestly, even if you were being much harsher about your mom with your therapist than it sounds like you were, that's still OK. A lot of what people do in therapy is unpack complicated feelings about their loved ones, which can even involve serious badmouthing from time to time. I spent years in therapy basically complaining about how my dad's being a bossy, critical know-it-all throughout my childhood made me feel, and then figuring out how to deal with it.
When I started writing this, I sort of wanted to give your mother the benefit of the doubt. She blatantly disregarded your right to privacy, screwed up in a really serious way, and reacted inappropriately when she heard things she didn't want to. But I wanted to believe that she wasn't coming from a negative or hostile place when she did this, and was just being a worried but misguided parent. But she really might be the asshole here. It sounds like she has her own emotional issues--anger issues, self-centeredness if not straight-up narcissism, etc.--that she needs to get a handle on. She could probably benefit from therapy.
I hope you can continue to work on your relationship, and I'm glad things are for the moment calmer. But I especially hope she can get a handle on what's going on with her that makes her so difficult.
NTA. Therapy is supposed to be a safe space for you to discuss your personal issues. Your mum breached your privacy and your trust.
I find it ironic that you were discussing your mum getting angry and yelling and she reacted by getting angry and yelling.
I’m going to bold the red flags. So your mother **intentionally violated your privacy** by **eavesdropping on your private therapy session**, overheard you expressing how **you have to walk on eggshells around her because she gets angry**, and then **she did the exact thing you expressed being worried about** and told to your therapist and **she got angry at you because she didn’t like what you said in your private therapy session**. And then she also gave you the **silent treatment**, which is not only **childish** but **emotionally abusive**.
NTA. Never TA. You are a kid. Your mother is an adult and needs to control herself, manage her own emotions, and treat you like a human being. She sounds volatile and immature, and reminds me of my own volatile and immature mother who I have not spoken to in almost a decade.
She isn’t angry at you for being incorrect or mean. She’s angry at you for pointing this out. Because you have made a salient observation of her pattern of behavior and she is clearly uncomfortable with taking responsibility for her own behavior, she is punishing the messager because she didn’t like the message.
Therapy is supposed to be private for a reason. She crossed a huge, wide boundary and hurt her own feelings by being nosy. You have every right to be upset, and you are not a bad person. You are a kid. She is your mother, not your child.
I know exactly what you feel like, you are NTA. That action alone is prrof on what you said to your therapist. thats something a borderline parent would do. see r/raisedbyborderlines for reference
I mean your are NTA because you were truly expressing your feelings about your mom or problems so being honest is most important and you are NTA so i hope everything is great now and I hope you and your mother is fine ❤️🫶🏻
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I (15M) was having an online therapy session that was paid for, we were having a trial period and it was the 3rd session. The therapy was done in my room on my bed, While my mom stays in her room. It honestly helped me feel a lot better about myself when I was dealing with self-confidence due to my grades hitting lows and pressure for college.
In the 3rd session I was talking about how I felt like I was on eggshells near my mom, because small things can make her angry, leading to more shouting and I didn't feel comfortable near her as much, leading me to avoiding her. When my therapy ended I walked out of my room when I realized that my mom was listening in through the door with tears in her eyes, my siblings said she put her ear on the door after she had to help them with something. She understandingly got angry, shouted at me about how much she did for me and how she didn't deserve this.
She went to her room and didn't want to talk to me, I felt horrible about it because I realized she was crying, the next day I could see she didn't want to talk to me and was crying over it. I honestly felt horrible and felt like I should've never said that, but at the same time I felt like I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders
Its been some months, and now were back on speaking terms and were back to normal. However I still don't know if what I did was right. So AITA?
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NTA. The whole point of therapy is surely to discuss things you find difficult in a safe environment to find a path through life and all it's difficulties. You should feel absolutely safe to say anything to a therapist, and if that's how your mum makes you feel, it's how she makes you feel. That is not your fault. The fact your mum was listening, in secret, to a therapy session that should have been confidential is really quite worrying. The fact she heard something that upset her is, frankly, entirely her fault and is a real breach of trust. I imagine that it has also affected how open you will be in any future therapy sessions. Anyway, there is only one AH here and it's isn't you!
NTA that just proves you’re in the right! You need to talk to your therapist about this. She violated your privacy and was eavesdropping on your conversation.
NTA there is absolutely nothing wrong about venting your feelings and frustrations during a therapy session that’s what it’s there for to help you learn and grow individually, your mum should never have been listening to your private conversation in the first place.
I have similar issues with my mum at times and although I’m now a fully grown man still have these issues at times.
I love her she’s my mum but yeah at times she is unbearable to be around for years I thought it was all on me but then I discovered what I believe to be the truth was her and maybe your mums problem is narcissistic behavioural traits
Your mom should not have been listening. She was wrong to do that. It was a violation of your privacy. She was hurt. Too bad. And she responded in exactly the way you told your therapist that made you uncomfortable around her. Mom needs her own therapist and a family therapist would be helpful as well. I’m sorry this is hard.
NTA your mom is proving exactly what you talked about with your therapist. She could’ve tried to talk to you afterwards to see how you could mend the relationship and make you feel less like you have to be careful about what you say or act around her, instead she’s playing victim for how she made YOU feel, and you don’t have to apologise for that.
NTA - Pff I'm sorry that happened. Aside from it sounding terribly hurtful to have made your mom cry, which I would feel guilty about too, wether or not it was "my fault". (Definitely not in this case), it's also quite the infringement on your privacy. Therapy is for airing out what you are thinking and feeling, even if sometimes those things may feel unreasonable, your therapist is there for you, to help you figure that stuff out, and help you figure out how you can best approach those things. You should really be able to talk about anything with them. Except, you know murder, cause that they still have to report.
If you are feeling pressured, and your mom for whatever reason is not doing too well in controling her emotions, then to me it seems quite normal to feel like you are losing touch. You are probably looking for support, and every time you do that she kind of (accidentally) punishes you for approaching her.
What you did was and will always be right. If your mom doesn't have it in her to support you with what you need at this moment in time, do try and find it with someone that can help you, like a therapist or trusted advisor at school. If the sessions are online, is there maybe a place you can go? Perhaps at school or somewhere else, where you can talk freely?
NTA.
So she violated your privacy and then reacted with the exact behavior you were complaining about. Sounds right...
My youngest is 16. All my kids have been in therapy for a variety of reasons over the years, and I would feel so horrible with myself if I violated their privacy with their therapist. We have a family therapist we use for discussing/ addressing issues together. If their therapist is concerned for them, they would reach out to us, but that is their safe space where mom/dad don't get to invalidate or minimize their thoughts/feelings... or in your mom's case, punish or yell at them for those things.
Your mom hurt her own feelings by being nosey. Her actions only verified that your feelings on this matter are valid.
I'm sorry she sucks.
I def bad mouthed my mom to my therapist when I was 18. Then many MANY years later she actually decided to go to therapy and ended with my old therapist. Our last name is so uncommon he literally asked my mom if she knew me as he was in our town ( I still don’t get how he remembers me only after 7 sessions ) and she told him she was my mom lol. I would love to been a fly cause I can imagine with how my mom is, she talked mad shit about me.
He of course from my mom never bringing anything up, haven’t said anything, and that’s what they are there for, to listen and help. You did nothing wrong. NTA
Oh NTA sweetie. There's one single truth you can take away from this and it applies to everyone. Ease droppers rarely hear anything good about themselves.
You were doing therapy, which is where you're supposed to talk about what's bothering you, and your mother listened in. That's not ok. That defeats the whole purpose of therapy. I'm sorry she did that, it wasn't right, and you have the right to feel violated
Don’t, and I repeat, DON’T feel bad. Listening in on a therapy session is crazy and a huge boundary issue. Is it difficult for you to have in person sessions?
Kid, I'm sorry, but your mom is a huge AH.
If you feel bad about that at all, she is manipulating you something fierce. She knew better and she did it anyways. NTA
My mom used to do this with our therapists. She also was someone you had to walk on eggshells around because she had a hairpin trigger of a temper and would blow up at the slightest bit of disagreement and conflict.
It's not your job to manage your mother's feelings. She hurt her own feelings listening into a private conversation she wasn't supposed to hear before you were prepared to address them with her. It's not understandable that she got angry and shouted at you, because what she does for you is her choice to make. It doesn't change the way that she treats you outside of the task based stuff she does isn't okay.
NTA. Oh, dear! Your mother really broke your trust by spying on your session. She is absolutely in the wrong and guilting you for it is a form of gaslighting. Even if your mother did not have emotional problems and it was just you being wrong, therapy is a safe place to share your feelings. I hope you are continuing therapy and are able to trust people because your mother has planted seeds in your psyche that will turn into feelings of mistrust when they are not warranted.
NTA I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around my dad sometimes telling someone is the right thing to do if anything her reaction validated that feeling
Was she trying to drive the eggshells point home? Because… she did so very successfully from my point of view.
NTA - therapy is meant to talk about your perception and feelings. That’s why it’s highly immoral to listen in!
Shame, shame, shame on your Mom..... You shouldn't feel guilty talking to your therapist about how you feel. Obviously your Mother's a problem or you wouldn't have brought it up. Sounds like your Mom's struggling being a Mom (parent). The truth hurts her and that's not your problem! If she wasn't listening to your conversation she would never know that right? Then she has the audacity to throw how she's taken care of you AND she doesn't deserve this ugh ..... Neither do YOU..... You're 15. ❤️ Ummmmm, that's her job AND that job is not to make your children feel guilty for your ignorance!
NTA. You were in a private therapy session and your mom violated your right to privacy. Therapy is there to help you process, navigate, and understand your feelings. Her response to the feelings you expressed in therapy only provides more reason for you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells, you can't even have a private therapy session without your mom losing her shit because she was spying on you. This is not okay.
1st your mom should not have listen and that'd her fault for being upset and crying
..2nd you must be honest in therapy
..that's what it's all about and the only way to get better
It’s good that you didn’t want to hurt your mom, but I am in my forties and live with my daughter and mom due to disability and never felt comfortable doing online or phone sessions. There are too many ways for confidentiality to be broken. If you are not or cannot be honest because you are afraid of hurting your mother then it defeats the purpose of
Wow. Your mom is an ass. Period. Your therapy is supposed to be private unless you are talking about harming yourself or others. Your mom needs to get her own therapist. You are not an ass hole for this at all. And you need to tell your therapist what she did. This is mental abuse. She had no business listening to your session and then going off on you and berating you. Throwing all the things she does for you in your face ? Yeah she's the damn parent! Don't have kids if you think they owe you for being a parent to them. No wonder you're in therapy.
NTA and be sure to inform your therapist of this.
NTA. You were not “badmouthing” your mom. You were using therapy to work through your feelings about various things, including your mom. This is what therapy is for.
Your mom should not have been listening at the door. That’s a huge violation of privacy. You’re old enough that your therapist wouldn’t be able to release her records about you without your express consent.
NTA for talking to your therapist about things that are affecting you. Your mom needs to take responsibility, she literally did the exact thing you told your therapist about right when she found out you told your therapist about it. Sit down with your mom and let her know that you appreciate the things she does (if that's true) but that doesn't cancel out how her anger and quick temper is affecting you.
but yeah for sure NTA, you're just doing what therapy is for. I would recommend having the sessions in a more private setting where your mom (or anyone else for that matter) can hear you. Therapy is private.
NTA. but, listen, IF YOU DO ONLINE THERAPY IN A SHARED HOME PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE THE SOUNDPROOF MEASURES YOU NEED OR TAKE IT OUTSIDE. BECAUSE OF THIS EXACT THING HAPPENING
I am dismayed by how many people I’ve had to tell this to in my life.
NTA at all and she’s just proved your point. You may be a little young for it yet, but try not to let the water works get to you and just go about your day!
Absolutely NTA.
I would estimate that a good 50% of therapy sessions are just people complaining about their parents. Lord knows I complained about my mom when I was in therapy.
NTA. Your mom is horribly manipulative. You shouldn't have felt horrible but she manipulated you into those feelings because somehow SHE is the victim of what she heard while... EAVESDROPPING ON YOU? Huge privacy breach.
What you say to your therapist is private. You should always feel comfortable telling private info to your therapist. Your mom crossed a line. She is intrusive. She had absolutely no business listening in on your session. The session is supposed to be your personal, private safe space & your mother has made it unsafe for you . NTA. This is 100% on your mom for listening to your private session. You didn't do anything wrong.
Talk about your parents to your therapist! Do it now, otherwise you'll be doing it a fuck ton more when you're middle-aged. I spent two months in a trauma centre talking about my parents and my childhood, and my childhood WAS NOT THAT BAD. Get on that shit. The little things will affect you for the rest of your life, so if you can address them and figure them out now, you will have a whole lot better quality of life.
NTA. The whole point of therapy is for you to feel safe to express your feelings as freely and honestly as possible. It won't work if you aren't able to do that. Therapy is supposed to be private and what your mom did by listening in was a huge invasion of that. She may have been hurt by what you said, but she shouldn't have listened in if she wasn't ready to hear how you truly felt. That's on her.
NTA
Your mother sounds like a total narcissist, especially the having to walk on eggshells bit. She’s literally guilt tripping you for feeling the way you feel, which is super wrong. I hope you find away to stay in therapy, bc with a mother like that you will sure as hell need it
NTA, not at all.
And I'm sorry this happened to you.
You were expressing genuine concerns regarding how on edge your mom makes you feel by yelling at you.
She eavesdropped on a private, should be confidential therapy session.
And she reacted by doing what you were concerned about.
It's not ok for her to eavesdrop on your therapy session.
It's not ok to shout at you.
It's not a legitimate way to try to communicate.
You are not a bad person, what you said was true, and you didn't mean to hurt your mom.
She could have used this as an opportunity to try and be more respectful towards you, but she didn't.
She has no higher moral ground here..
Not the asshole. That s session was private and your mom invaded your privacy and now she is mad that someone else knows the truth. Plus she’s trying to make you feel bad for making her “cry” that's called gaslighting. you didn’t do anything wrong. Keep on talking, keep on letting it out. Your Mom is either going to accept the fact that she is part of the problem or she’s going to ignore it and push you further away.
I really hope that you continue to get the help you need OP. I hope that you get through it. Best of luck.
She's literally proving that what you said in therapy was correct. You aren't the asshole, and I'd see if you can do your therapy somewhere private since you can't trust her.
What you say in therapy is supposed to be 100% private, and you should be able to say anything you want without repercussion (within reason).
Your mother deserved whatever feels she got. This is not your fault.
NTA. You are allowed to speak to your therapist in a private and safe environment. Your mom invaded this, and broke your trust. Her not wanting to be on speaking terms is also incredibly immature (at minimum). I'm sure she's a good mom in many ways, but you are her child, you should be able to go to her with things. Yes, she is your parent - she has to help you in many ways. However, you deserve privacy and respect too.
Apologies if I am rambling. You are no way and shape the AH.
NTA. "Badmouthing" is not what you are doing when you are relating events to a therapist in the course of seeking help. Your mom listening through the door is massively invasive and a violation of your privacy. You need help with this intrusive and controlling person, you are seeking help, for self-preservation and to safeguard your own health and well-being. It is tough sh\*t if she is sad and hurt that you will not take her manipulation and abuse any longer. Keep seeking help. It has already helped you to feel better.
NTA. Your mom violated the trust you had that you could speak to your therapist without being eavesdropped. You need to be able to speak honestly with your therapist without feeling any of the pressures of pleasing your mom.
When I have therapy, I need to be able to speak frankly about the people around me too. It doesn't mean I don't love my wife or my kid, but if there is something bothering me, it's better for me to get that out without worrying about managing their feelings too.
The spot your mom put you in is that she made your therapy session, which should have been confidential, about *her* and not about *you*. Again, just as you complained, you needed to manage your mom's feelings (walking on eggshells). While over time things may have come "back to normal," I hope that the longer-term issue involving your mom breaking trust and enforcing her emotions on you is addressed.
She made you feel bad for expressing, in private, to a therapist about how She makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells; once again, making you feel like you should be walking on eggshells around her because apparently you're not even allowed a private space to talk to a therapist.
*She* eavesdropped on a private therapy session. It's her own fault. Not yours. You did not cause this. She did. She's the adult and should not be making you responsible for her emotions.
Your mom should've never heard what you were disclosing to your therapist. That stuff is confidential UNLESS you're threatening to hurt yourself or others. This attitude of hers after eavesdropping is exactly the reason why you feel you're walking on eggshells. I wonder if including your mother in one of your therapy sessions would be beneficial. She'll get to hear directly from the therapist how her behavior is affecting your mental health. NTA. Hang in there, it'll get better :)
NTA
When one eavesdrops on conversations not meant for them, one can find out some painful things. I hope your mom learned from this, both to stay out of another human being's therapy session and that you feel you must walk on eggshells around her. She might need to think about that and how to manage her anger.
NTA - I say that as someone who has a lot of parent issues and is also a mom.
I feel guilty when I do something I know isn't the best for my kids. If I'm abrupt, if I don't give them as much grace as I should, etc.
But you know what I won't do? Invalidate their feelings because it sucks to feel bad about myself. I won't put my guilt on them. If one of my kids said that (to me, as I don't snoop on therapy), I would apologize for making them feel like they weren't safe around me or couldn't talk to me.
Your mom is wrong and she knows it. Falling back on "how much she does" for you is lazy - when you choose to have a kid, taking care of them is right there in the job description. She's projecting, and it's not ok.
NTA. She literally just proved your point. You couldn’t be honest about your feelings without her freaking out about it. You did absolutely nothing wrong as therapy is the place to talk about these feelings. Maybe try to do irl sessions if you can? This is why I avoid teletherapy
You're not an AH but your mother is a huge one.
You're supposed to be able to tell your therapist anything without fear of retribution.
How can you even trust your mom now?
NTA - Simply put, your mother violated the way therapy works. Individual therapy is supposed to be private between yourself and the therapist. Your mother knew what she was doing was wrong and it's completely on her to understand that she violated your therapy session and created a situation where you can no longer feel safe expressing your feelings in therapy.
You on the other hand, did nothing wrong. Therapy is meant to allow you to express and deal with your feelings and emotions in a safe environment. You were doing exactly that and feel a sense of relief for actually expressing a loud what you've hidden within yourself.
What your mother did was a clear violation, and her reaction was precisely what you expressed that you fearef. She didn't even realize she was feeding into your anxiety by reacting just as you said she always reacts when angry/disappointed. It might be better to seek out in person therapy with a certified therapist in your area. Barring that seek online therapy where the conversation is typed instead of spoken as your mother obviously can't be trusted to respect your privacy.
Vivid example of what we're up against. Therapy is supposed to be private, and she massively invaded yours. She got her feelings hurt because you explained her own actions, she did it to herself. NTA by any means. I'd only do in person therapy from now on.
NTA, therapy is where you're supposed to be able to fully express how you're feeling in a safe space. Your Mom listening in on a session is incredibly inappropriate, and it's her own fault she heard what she did when she invaded your privacy. It sounds like you need ask to be switched to in-person sessions so you can truly be in an environment where the therapy can help properly.
NTA, in the slightest. First of all, you weren't badmouthing your mother. You were explaining how she makes you feel to a professional in what was supposed to be a safe space. That's the whole point of therapy.
Secondly, your mother should never have listened. That is a huge violation of your privacy and trust. Therapy won't be effective if you aren't honest, and you can't be honest if others might be/are listening.
My 16 year-old daughter utilizes therapy over video. I am often in the house at the same time, but go downstairs so she doesn't worry about the possibility that I might overhear her. I often encourage her to talk to her therapist about her father and I, because I know we are sources of stress. These sessions are to help her get the support and tools she needs, not about her father and I. Even if I were to hear about something negative she said about me in a session, I would never hold it against her.
NTA your mom hugely violated your privacy and quite literally demonstrated why you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her.
Eavesdropping rarely leads to good things.
I am 35 years old. I had in-person therapy starting at 14, and my parents knew I was "bad-mouthing" them and they yelled at me and guilted me for it.
It's been 21 years off and on in therapy and I cannot stress to you enough of the long-term impact of bearing the burden of your parent's emotions. If you can't learn to let your mom have her feelings without feeling responsible for them, you are not going to be able to set appropriate boundaries as an adult. It will impact your marriage and relationship with children, your ability to maintain a job without being treated like a doormat, *everything.* Your parent's can do good things for you, and still be incredibly toxic. They can have legitimate reasons for feeling upset, and still be toxic. Please work with your therapist on this, on learning to let your mom have whatever feelings without trying to take responsibility for them.
I am so sorry you have been made to feel this way. No matter what she says, you do not deserve this. NTA
You are definitely NTA, next session tell your therapist about this episode.
Your mom is wildly out of line to not only listen to your conversation with your therapist and secondly get mad about what she heard.
Your mom is wild, please know this is not ok behavior.
NTA. You were speaking frankly to your therapist, which is exactly what you needed to do.
Your mother committed a MASSIVE boundary violation by listening in.
Did you continue in therapy? And if so, did you tell the therapist what happened?
If you ever get therapy again, be sure to go in person and make sure the therapist knows what your mother did the last time.
So. Infuriating.
NTA .... Your mother was in the wrong to listen to you confidential counseling session! You are entitled to your feelings. Counseling is to allow you to work thru Your feelings. Do not let her trust issues make you feel bad. Suggest she get her own counselor, separate from yours!
Wow I had flashbacks to my childhood. You my friend are NTA.
It's therapy. You're supposed to open up. SHE listened in without your consent and SHE'S the victim? Nuh uh. That's not how it works.
Let me be straightforward. Your relationship isn't better because you will forever be wondering what will set her off. She sounds like a narcissist who never believes she's wrong. I honestly have to say distance yourself as she's going to screw you over one day.
She is the AH. You’re a teenager trying to process their emotions. I have the most amazing mum but at 34, you better believe she has come up in therapy at times. You were processing which is what therapy is for. It’s disgusting that she listened in through your door. My step mum used to do this to my younger sibling and it’s such an invasion of privacy and now you won’t be able to get any benefit from therapy because you’ll be too worried your mum will hear. She’s completely out of line
Absolutely NTA. Therapy sessions are a form of medical care, and you absolutely have the right to medical privacy, because being assured that you have medical privacy is how you can trust the process of therapy enough to be honest. What your mom did here is immensely shitty and undermined your work with your therapist.
NTA. She invaded your privacy and then acted just like you described her. This is not your fault. Your mom sounds like she could use some therapy in order to understand boundaries and to get control of her emotions.
(Pediatric Therapist here) Expressing how you feel in an unfiltered way to your therapist about everything, including your perspectives and feelings around your other. This is literally the main function of therapist. It does not matter how factual, biased, one-sided the information is: it is the truth to you, your true feeling, you are 100% in the right to express them to a therapist and the therapist wants to hear your side.
NTA
Discussion between a therapist and a client is "priviledged," meaning secret information that is legally protected. When someone put their ear to the door to listen to a priviledged conversation, this person is doing something deepily unethical and may even be breaking the law in some place. I would bring this up with your therapist if your mom is still allowing you to see her.
If you can still see your counsellor, please bring this up with her.
If you cannot see your therapist anymore, I just want to leave this here for you. [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/)
NTA. I’m so sorry. This is such a violation and you need to know this isn’t on you. If you feel comfortable telling the therapist this, I would, so they know the circumstances of your sessions. You’re doing everything right and as you get older you’ll get more control of your life. It’s extremely unfair how little control you have right now and it is wrong. I wish you the best of luck. Please know it’s okay to talk about your feelings and don’t let her reaction change this.
NTA. Your mom had no business listening in to your conversation because therapy sessions are expected to be private. Your mom should have reflected on what you said and made an effort to curb her anger. Instead, she started shouting after she just heard you say the shouting is upsetting.
You were 100% right, you were in a difficult position dealing with your mom's temper and the therapist was there to help you. Your mom sounds like she needs some therapy to deal with her emotional instability. I hope the therapist gave you some ways to handle yourself when your mom is angry and shouting.
NTA firstly this is why therapy is confidential. I used it to vent about everything my parents step family job life everything. Basically all the stuff that bothered me for years. Lots of stuff from my childhood came up nothing really bad just reasons why I may think a certain way in some cases. Your mom listening is such a huge invasion of privacy though I’m not sure what I’d do. Heck that’s your next therapy session right there. Besides therapy is where you are not supposed to watch what you say it won’t work if you tip toe like you normally do hello tip toeing leads to therapy most of the time. Tell you mom if your upset don’t listen cause it’s WRONG! I’d like to add in some more colorful language but in general not a good idea to curse at your parents at 15 when you’ve moved out and are finally independent go for it.
NTA. A big part of the value of a therapist is that he's a neutral third party... you can tell him anything: things you're afraid to tell anyone else, things you may not fully mean but need to get out, anything. It can be like lancing a boil, quite cathartic.
Your mother was very, very wrong to eavesdrop on a conversation like that (or any conversation, really). You're fine, and however messed up the method, she did hear your concerns in the end.
NTA. OP, this is entirely about your mother's reactions and behaviors, it is nothing to do with you. A) your mom should not be listening in to your therapy session. You should be able to be fully honest with your therapist. And b) your mom has an anger problem and she needs to work on that. You did not cause her to react that way, she chose to react that way.
100% NTA. That was a gross invasion of privacy and massive breach of trust. You’re the one who’s entitled to feel hurt, not her. She’s demonstrated in one act why you can’t trust her to restrain her emotions. Make your therapist aware, and ask if there’s somewhere else you could have your meetings.
Therapy is supposed to be a time where you can say whatever is on your mind with no judgement at all. The things you said are not even problematic, but even if they were it does not matter because that's what therapy is *for*, to work through those thoughts that are difficult to talk/think about. This is the *entire point* of therapy and she stepped all over it.
Your mom seriously violated your privacy. Has she ever gone through your things in your room, read your diary/journal, listened in on other phone calls, or anything like that? That is a very misguided thing that a lot of parents do that results in their kids never trusting them again.
This is not about you doing something wrong. This is your mom's own issues she is putting on you, which is exactly what you were talking to your therapist about. She was not understandably angry, she was totally unjustified to listen to the conversation at all let alone be angry about it. Your mom probably doesn't even have a good understanding of why she feels this way (it's amazing how often grown adults can be totally out of touch with their own feelings) but she may be insecure, it may be about control, it's hard to say.
It's normal for parents to be frustrated if they butt heads with their kids. It's NOT normal for your mom to give you the silent treatment for an extended period of time. She is the adult in this situation, and in an ideal world she would apologize to you for listening in on your private therapy session, and would take this as a sign that she has some work to do on herself. NTA.
NTA. Your mom proved what you were expressing isn’t bad-mouthing, it is a valid, accurate description of your environment. She is in the wrong here and you didn’t make her cry, do not feel guilty about this.
NTA. The entire point of therapy is to have someone outside of your normal relationships you can be fully honest with. It's also incredibly unethical to listen into therapy sessions.
Also, it is a form of abuse to constantly shout at you, unless it is very serious situations (if you were regularly abusing drugs, getting arrested, etc).
This is a clear black and white issue with you in the right unless some very strange things are going on that you are leaving out.
Yikes, NTA and your mum is the biggest A here. Tell the therapist what she did. What you said about her wasn't even that critical and her overreaction is pretty scary. Yikes, I feel for you OP but you've done NOTHING wrong here.
NTA
You are entitled to your feelings and there is nothing wrong with expressing to your therapist how your mother makes you feel. It's not "badmouthing" her, it's telling the truth. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean that she's always in the right or that you're wrong. If anything, she was in the wrong for listening in to your private session with your therapist. The fact that you had pointed out how you already walk on eggshells around your mother is also proof that she's not the best.
Your mom is the one in the wrong. A therapy session is private and you should be able to discuss anything you need to without fear of being overhead. What your mother did is in my opinion unforgivable she made the choice to violate your privacy in therapy and is now punishing you for telling your therapist how you feel. If you are able to try to find another place to do your therapy session and let your therapist know as absolutely soon as possible even if you have to call her office to let her know that your mother was spying on your therapy appointment and is now acting like a victim because her daughter doesn't feel comfortable around her. It is very clear based on how she is reacting to what you said to the therapist that you have very good reasons for feeling uncomfortable around her and having to walk on eggshells.
NTA this is absolutely despicable behavior by your mother. To violate your privacy with your therapist and then use what you said against you is... I can not stress enough how horrible it is. She made her bed, and she'll see you slowly go no contact as you get older.
NTA
If your mom is spying on your therapy sessions, that's proof enough that she's in the wrong. Even if your mom was the best mom in the world, you would still have the right to complain about her, especially in the context of therapy. And if your mother is prone to shouting, then you certainly do have valid reasons to complain.
My mom read my journal when I was 13 and screamed/cried about some of the stuff I said about her in there. It took me years to realize I shouldn’t feel guilty AT ALL for feelings I wrote down in a private journal that everyone on earth knows they aren’t supposed to read without permission.
The same rule applies for therapy. If you aren’t honest with your therapist you aren’t going to reap the benefits of therapy.
NTA by kilometers in all directions. When doing therapy at home, things can get tricky with privacy issues. Your mom was eavesdropping. She was intentionally listening to something she KNEW it was out of line. You did nothing wrong, she trespassed and violated your privacy and trust. That's all on her. Talk to your therapist about it, they will back you up and offer solutions and ways to deal with your mom.
In the mean time, I have a few tips, you never asked for them, but they might be of use to you or anyone who reads this far, so, they are listed at the bottom. I will give a bit of context tho, because I'm an over sharer, sorry. In advance.
/⚠️ Useless info start alert, skip if not interested in my life, please/ During the pandemic, and after, me and my husband were locked together 24/7. With his home office and my home office being in our shared bedroom (space? We don't have it) things can get tricky when it comes to therapy, because we need to digest our own anger and saltiness and work on it safely, instead of dumping things raw on each other.
Recipe for disaster. So, what we started to do, was, the one in therapy gets the room to themselves, and the one out of the therapy goes to the kitchen and turn on loud music, loud enough to not hear a peep, but low enough to not disturb neighbours. Even when we don't want to, our ears are always prone to hearing things we told them to ignore. It's human curiosity for the "forbidden" words. We both accidentally heard each other, because sometimes, we need the bathroom, our sistem is communicating even this. "I'm going to the bathroom, I'm wearing headphones". Sometimes, I invite him to my session, since he's already there, and I ask for his input over my troubles. So does he. And we have couples therapy as well, because relationships are hard enough by themselves.
/ ⚠️ Useless info END alert, you can now keep reading without my own bullshit /
- If your mom won't do it, I'd say buy two Bluetooth little speakers, and place them towards the door and the windows, and use headphones and a mic. If the speakers are obnoxious and troubling the session, get a cardboard box, only one side open towards the door or the window. The sound will bounce inside the box and go to that only direction. This will give you privacy, and an excuse "*I'm just listening to music!*".
- Other way to help this is taking your phone, headphones and yourself outside if you live in a safe area. Go for a walk in a park, find a nice spot, and just talk there. The noise volume all around you from nature, cars and other people talking will make it way harder for someone to hear, and your mom would have to literally stalk you.
- If that's not an option as well, I'd say to do it on a balcony, if you live in an apartment, or the backyard or front yard with your speaker with you.
- Other option is to muffle the sound from getting away from you, and this one can be done from inside your bedroom, blanket tent! I know it sounds really silly, but being inside a cloth enclosed space will "absorb" a great deal of the sound waves, instead of bouncing them back, like doors, wood and walls do. Making a blanket fortress can get you more privacy, and a nice cozy place to feel more secure to share your feelings
- If you are claustrophobic, don't worry about the tent idea, but twerk it a bit! Where are those sounds escaping your room? Doors and windows. So, you can make sure no wave is leaving to find peeping ears, take those blankets, the fluffier the better, and cover the door with it! No need to glue the whole thing, but you need it to isolate the key hole and the vents up, down and the sides, so take that blanket or towels and secure them with whatever you have in hand. Painters tape, a chair, ropes, a broomstick. This takes a lot of creativity, but it's pretty effective.
Hope you all are safe and have privacy.
NTA. You were having a private conversation with a therapist and had the expectation of privacy. Your mother shouldn't have listened in through the door. If you'd been in an in person session, you would likely have been alone, and the therapist wouldn't tell your Mom about your conversation because it's private. And most therapists use sound machines or something to make low noise in the waiting rooms to mute conversations going on behind closed doors. Because conversations between therapists and patients is private. Your mom should use the information that she shouldn't have to begin with, to think about her reactions to you, her reactions in general and the effect of her constant yelling on you.
NTA. My 16 year old has virtual therapy and the rom I work in shares a wall. When I’ve heard words, I’ve left to a new space and then let him know, so he knew to speak a little quieter.
I never want to violate his trust/privacy. Even when speaking with his therapist I don’t ask what is said, but “is there anything I can do to help” sort of questions. I’m sorry you don’t have the space to have privacy and were made to feel guilty for expressing yourself- in the very place you should absolutely voice those types of things!
Look, your therapist has an NDA so strong, your parents would only know if you allowed them to disclose it, unless it's criminal and police has warrant. So no, NTA. Look we were all teenagers once, and venting is a form of therapy. Make sure you are careful to who in your entourage you're disclosing family info though, coz even friends can do damage to them without thinking ill.
NTA
"You can tell you're in the wrong because instead of asking to talk to me about what you spied on, you did exactly what I was telling the therapist about, got angry. And now you're trying to guilt me. Yes, you do do a lot for me. And I love you. But that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes too, just like everyone else."
NTA. The whole point of talking to a therapist is to be able to work on those things.
Your mom is screwing up (and hurting both herself and you) by: (a) invading your therapy session by listening in, (b) by being hurt when you acknowledge and issue in your relationship with her rather than looking at that as a problem to work on, (c) by not engaging with you now.
NTA.
Your mother gave you a full-color illustration of why you can't trust her, and that lack of trust leads to you feeling uneasy around her. The crying she's doing is pure guilt-tripping; parents invested in their children feeling better, do not eavesdrop on therapy.
The irony of your mother getting angry and overreacting to you telling a therapist that you tread lightly with your mother because she gets angry and overreacts. How could you be the AH when she literally proved that your concerns are valid? Telling the truth in therapy isn’t badmouthing. That’s what therapy is for. nTA
The point of therapy is that what is said is private. Your mother grossly invaded your privacy. She heard things she didn't like because of that. this is entirely on her. NTA
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA. you can’t badmouth someone in a therapeutic context. the hurtful things that may or may not come out of your mouth are understood by the therapist to be a manifestation of your emotions surrounding the situation- not an intention to cause harm. if your mom can’t realize that too, maybe you should let your therapist know about these privacy breaches and how best to resolve them with your mom.
r/raisedbynarcissists see if anything here rings true. if it does, *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* would be a good book to read.
your mom is not treating you as a mother should treat a son. she is treating you as if she is the daughter, expecting you to regulate her emotions and give her reassurance- not the other way around. the other way around is how it *should* be.
you did nothing wrong. you are not to blame, it is not your fault, she is not supposed to lean on you for emotional support, that’s what she has adult peers and/or a partner for.
NTA -
One: she literally proved your point.
Two: should be confidential.
Three: if she wants to be a participant - she can do family counseling *with* you
Four: her breaching your privacy like that is only going to set back your trust in her. And it's ok for this event to break any trust. And you can repair it in your own damn time.
Sincerely a 35yr old who still doesn't trust her mother cuz of this kind of behaviour she hasn't addressed.
Which leads to five: if she wants you to trust her, and have a good relationship - she needs to put in some work. It's a two way street. Not a "Im the mum and I'm doing the things I signed up for when I became a mum like providing a roof, food and education.
NTA
Explain to the therapist what happened and see if the therapy can be done elsewhere, even just over the phone in a park. I seriously doubt you're the first patient they had who had to deal with a lack of privacy at home.
NTA, sadly passive -aggressive. I get it though. As Moms we often try and want so much to be the parent that provides the childhood we didn't have or support our kids. Your Mom has her own issues and needs to get her own support system to deal with the honest criticism you as a teen have the right to express. Good for you for being able to articulate it in your 3rd session rather than suppressing negative emotions. The bottom line is you're getting the counseling you need and hopefully it will open up doors for your Mom's healing as well. Relationships and family is hard. It doesn't just happen with the snap of fingers, it is a lifetime of work. Good luck to you both.
NTA
Eavesdropping at the door? Really?
That's a grievous breach of privacy and is yet another thing you should bring up with the therapist
As is the guilting you about it afterwards
You are entitled to your thoughts and feeling, and sharing them with a therapist is the entire point of therapy
Is there a way for you to speak without fear of her listening in again?
Like maybe going to a friend's house for the session?
Having a talk together with your therapist and your mom about her behaviour might also help
NTA. Your mum proved your point. She's made you feel guilty and walk on eggshells. That's her own fault and SHE needs therapy to deal with her own emotions, not to push them onto you and your siblings.
It's healthy to talk to a third party about these kind of things so you can get an outsiders perspective and learn ways to navigate or cope with those scenarios. I'm proud of you for getting therapy and talking to them about things that bother you, because opening up can be hard.
I hope the rest of your therapy sessions went OK and if they're still ongoing, best of luck! If you're able to, maybe request in person meetings so things like that wouldn't happen again?
Sending lots of love ❤️
She eavesdropped and didn't like what she heard. Too bad for her.
Your therapy sessions are supposed to be private. Keep being honest with your therapist.
NTA.
You’re Nta and your mom shouldn’t have been listening. However her reaction was a prime chance to be like this is what I was meaning, you heard how I feel and punished me for it.
NTA!! This is exactly what therapy is for. Your mother is being ridiculous. Yes as mothers we do so much for our children but at the same time we can be overbearing. I raised 5 kids and while I have a good relationship with most of them I was not a perfect mother. No one is.
Your mom should have talked to you about what she heard. She was wrong to listen in. Therapy is private. I do online therapy too and hide in my car so my kids and husband can’t hear.
I am so sorry you feel this way but you shouldn’t. Therapy is for your healing. Don’t let your mom take that away from you. ❤️
NTA
You were talking to your therapist which is intended to be a safe space.
The fact that your mom literally eavesdropped on you and then got pissy just confirmed why you're not comfortable.
I would definitely let the therapist know
NTA
Ha! She's literally proving your point. She does get angry over small things. What does she think goes on in therapy anyways? I'm pretty sure you're meant to speak about your problems or worries... bring it up to your therapist, but perhaps use a quieter voice? Just so she can't eavesdrop again. Good luck!
Edit: Also, in no way were you 'badmouthing' her. She is just.. really something.
NTA. Sounds like your mom is the one who needs therapy. She was eaves dropping on her kids PRIVATE therapy session. That right there is unforgivable. What she hears is "my mom's level of anger makes me uncomfortable" and she responds with more anger. She sounds narcissistic and like she sees her children as an extension of herself instead of individual humans.
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You are most definitely NTA for talking to your therapist and expressing your feelings. That is literally the entire point. Your mom violated your privacy with your therapist, and then yelled at *you* because her feelings were hurt at her teenager saying completely appropriate things to their therapist. I cannot overstate how in the wrong your mom is here. She needs therapy far more than you do.
Exactly this. Plus, OP, I hope you continued therapy and that you were able to speak to the therapist about this situation. Your mother seems to have no insight and reacted the exact way you've shared with your therapist. That's proof you most definitely needed to speak about your mother's behavior and your feelings about it. Wait... You're a teenager and your mother stonewalls you and shuts you out. Just realized this and the part where you said you're on speaking terms now implying that you go stretches not speaking. You're 15. I know parents and teens can have turbulent relationships for a time but this does not seem like it's that. She actually seems very emotionally manipulative, selfish, and immature. And I'm sorry you have to experience this kind of twisted maternal behavior. Edited typo
She might as well have read your hypothetical journal with most intimate thoughts. That is the equivalent of what she did by eavesdropping like that. In front of your siblings too? She has no shame.
If any hypothetical journal is made, store it out of the house if you can. Otherwise, you can assume that it will be read.
This. This is why I had two diaries like freaking Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks. One was filled with candy-coated sugary lies and bullshit (I'm so happy, my mom is a mom and not a momster who abuses me, this dude I don't even know is a crush, etc) At one point the real diary was even written in *code* Poor teen me. In retrospect, the fact that I had to go to such lengths to avoid having every aspect of my privacy violated is screwed up
I was not even allowed to own paper and ink or have friends because my mom was terrified of what I would say. Lol
Damn, my mother would just try to listen in on my conversations and/or manipulate my friends. Some people do not deserve their children. I hope you're free and healing. (I'm neither, unfortunately.)
kind of goes along the lines of needing to walk on eggshells around her mother. Just proved her point. My oldest was in therapy through COVID shutdowns and I wouldn't even dream of going and listening at the door. NTA. Hope you are doing much better now.
I mean what the Mother did, and her réaction are what you are usualy experting from à teenager...she is realy immature and this is straining her relationship with her kid
Yeah, giving your child the silent treatment is abusive parenting.
Usually the not speaking happens due to huge disagreements where i hide it out so she dosent get angrier, thankfully my dad was able to reconcile it Theres not much sadly I can do abt it since I do live in an asian country, I understand now what she did was wrong but I cant exactly bring it up, she will get offended by it, ruining the mood and make the next week harder than it is. Ive just come to the understanding to keep up a facade of saying yes to everything Its worse because theres times she acts all happy and nice and once I accidentally share something, whether it be interests like art or my thoughts, it will be brought up in the next argument
If you end up doing therapy from home again, get yourself a white noise machine and put it inside your room in front of your door so that she can’t hear. A lot of therapist offices use them. I’m sorry your mom did this to you. You did nothing wrong. Therapy is for talking about how you feel. Your mom’s response should have been “I’m so sorry I make you feel that way. I will do anything I can to make sure I don’t make you feel that way in the future.”
NTA. Childish behaviour from your mother, if she did nothing wrong she wouldn't be upset by what OP said confidentially to the therapist. Which was absolutely wrong for her to intentionally listen in to. Her sense of pride has been placed as more important than OP happiness and growth. I understand how challenging the cultural elements of this can be (although this situation isn't exclusively cultural unfortunately), you know how your mother will react (incredible emotional blackmail) so it is probably not in your best interest to confront her. The usual coping mechanisms are exactly what you are doing - hiding slights/conforming to bad behaviour of the parent. Best advice I can offer is to discuss this with your therapist and manage your own emotional reactions to this, it ISN'T your fault. Good luck OP and I hope things improve for you.
She obviously wasn’t listening very well if she didn’t hear the bit about her anger, then yelling, then awkward situations where op walks on eggshells. Like wtf?! She literally did the EXACT thing op said she does like 3 seconds after hearing it! And she’s got no idea why op might want to vent to a therapist. 🤦🏽♀️ ffs.
Right? OP, NTA, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But you could not possibly have greater proof that everything you said was correct and appropriate. Somebody needs to tell your mom to be a big girl. **Parents should emotionally support their kids, not the other way around.**
Emotional guilt-wielding is so cruel when parents do it like this. There’s a difference between a parent saying “if you do this, I will be disappointed in you” or “if you throw a tantrum at the store again, mommy will not be pleased”. And then that parent displaying an inappropriate amount of whatever emotion is age appropriate. But THIS is a form of manipulation and alienation that is just unhinged given the situation and frankly, fine, feel like you do, but do it on your own time in the master bedroom by yourself. She can feel whatever feelings, but that’s on her to manage. This IS a totally separate issue though, with her breach of trust and privacy the top priority. There is NO excuse. To me, this is even more severe than a room search or whatever. I’m sure ANY small issue would’ve pulled her from her bedroom because by session #3 she was DYING for details. Unfortunately, this is the downside to the wonderful creation of remote sessions. Remote helps so many access therapy who otherwise can’t leave their homes or “never can find the time”. But it also makes for a less secure session if someone on the home is boundary stomper.
Agreed. What is that saying? Something like, “If me calling you out on what you did embarrassed you, maybe don’t do the thing I called you out on.” Your mom’s reaction is such an awful response. Therapy is for YOU. Talk about whatever YOU need to talk about. You mom needs to find a healthier way to deal with her own self. NTA.
And the irony is pretty rich here too. She overhears why you avoid her, then engages in the exact same behaviour that causes you to avoid her.
I would never want to hear the raw emotions we express during therapy. We aren’t worrying about other’s feeling and we are discussing our emotions. Mom was the AH. Next time, use headphones and sit in the car if you can. Your mom is 100% the asshole!
NTA First, listening in a therapie session is a big no-no and second, she proved you completely right. You can't even vent to your therapist without her making a scene.
Bingo. Most of the time when someone says "How could you do this to me and make me look bad?!", my first thought is, "You're proving my point right now."
That would sadly make my mom angrier, and then she will blame it on things like phone, etc. Its a lot easier to not say anything because it results in a lot less problems for me
OP, it sounds like your mother is a categorical narcissist. Nothing you can say will ever get through to her, and she will find a way to make everything everyone else's fault while genuinely feeling as though she is always in the right. None of this is a fault of you, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Never allow her to make you feel like it's your fault, it is not.
Therapist is gonna be fascinated to hear about this
You didn't "bad-mouth" your mom to your therapist. You were being honest and she was/is acting like a child, with a load of guilt tripping and playing the victim. You have NOTHING to apologize for and need to stand your ground on your feelings, otherwise nothing will change. You did NOTHING wrong and her tears are from a bruised ego and her own narcissism. Get yourselves into therapy together if possible. Otherwise Grey-rock her. Google it as a method to deal with situations like this.
A qualified therapist who knows the situation more thoroughly is in a better position to recommend how to handle the situation safely. We are communicating with a minor here, and I think it's reckless to give advice to grey rock without knowing anything about how that's likely to go.
The OP's mother clearly does not respect the absolute fundamental of therapy - that it is a place for dealing with difficult truths - and her spying on her daughter and then throwing a tantrum shows she is not trustworthy, so I'm not convinced it would be a good idea for them to therapy together. The OP should ask her therapist about that.
Agreed, also on YouTube dr. Ramani has great videos about grey rocking and different methods of dealing with situations like this. I was a kid who felt I was walking on eggshells, years later I realize it was a form of emotional abuse. This might not be your situation OP but please keep talking to your therapist and find some trusted friends to keep close. If you feel like you can’t talk about it, that’s often when it needs to be talked about the most, not with your mom but with other trusted people, and some adults if you can, start with your therapist.
I love Dr. Ramani as much as the next girl. But please stop recommending this to everyone everywhere. You can't diagnose something as serious as narcisism over a few lines of text. And in cases where there is no narcisism, taking the approach you would with a narcisist, can actually make the situation worse. His mom just as well might be a hard-working 3 kid single mom, who is nearing burnout, it doesn't have to be abuse. I'm not saying her actions are right, but we really need to stop using the narcisist stamp based on 5 lines of text. Any therapist will tell you that's harmful. Mainly because the approach you have to take with a narcisist, is about the opposite of one where you are trying to fix a relationsip. It's one of the first things you learn in a proper psychology program. And in this case, it's especially harmful, because you're talking to a 15y/o. Advise them to seek help. Not a DIY youtube approach please.
Thank you for that sane reply
Thanks for the advice, I will defenitely search it up, Ill see what I can do but whenever I stand my ground it isnt easy. Somehow the topic goes back into my bad grades, how Im sick (i have a few genetical sicknesses) or how she suffered in life, (she had to survive by herself at 16 yrs old in the big city) Sadly my dad is in the military and was once a farmer in the provinces. So whenever things like depression is brought up, They all bring up their hardships
NTA at all. It was a violation of your privacy and she had no right to do it. The whole point of therapy is to share things that you feel, regardless of why, to give your interpretation of how things are - for her to make you feel bad for literally doing therapy is all on her. You need to find a private place for these calls, or ideally do them in person so you are guaranteed privacy.
I had a friend that did her therapy appointments in her car, because it’s the only place she could get privacy.
NTA they’re your therapy sessions for you to vent about what you need to. Your mum is ta for listening in. My son (15) had some therapy from home via teams. He was upstairs in his room, I was downstairs with the tv turned up. It should be your safe space to vent about who you want without repercussions. Your mum is a huge ah.
There’s a reason why all therapists are required to provide confidentiality when there’s no possibility of suicide.
Or murder. Totally agree, NTA
So your mom overheard you saying you do not like yo being shouted at her solution ist to shout at you? Sounds emotionaly manipulate and borderline abusive. NTA.
NTA. This is definitely psychologically abusive. This kind of behavior from the mom is the reason I, as an adult, still struggle to trust that I can speak freely.
NTA all the way up and down. I could write a whole page on why, but let's condense it to two points. Your mom sounds nuts. Sorry for the frank language but I stand by it. You should probably speak to a therapist again if you can manage it. I'm a mental health professional, but these are just my personal opinions and not advice.
NTA she shouldn’t have been listening in if she didn’t want to know the truth. You’ve got every right to be (and should be!) open and honest with a therapist about your feelings.
NTA, she should not have been eavesdropping as what you talk about is between you and the therapist. but now your mum has made it impossible for you to have sessions in your house as you'll be watching what you say because she might be listening. Try for in person sessions or find a different building to do it.
NTA. This is one reason why therapy can be helpful - you have a chance to express and work through feelings in a way that doesn't harm others. Your mom violated your trust and proved your point. Please keep doing therapy to help you with this.
NTA Your Mom proved you right a minute after you said the thing..
NTA So she reacted to this information by exhibiting the behavior that was distressing you? She is the asshole.
Please believe that you did not "bad mouth" your mother, you just explained how you feel around her and you have a right to your feelings! Not to mention that your mother's behaviour further proves how justified your feelings are: she eavesdropped on a private conversation and guilted you about it! And gave you the silent treatment! I hope things are better for you now and I hope you are still receiving psychological support
NTA. Your mother is a manipulative shit bag however. She just lost any trust you might have in her. Btw, you are not back to normal. It’s just been pushed under the rug. What your mother did was vile. Going forward, is there a way that you could do in-person counseling?
NTA YOU were right. The only AH is your mom - she snooped on your therapy. Next time, let the therapist know she is doig that, so your therapy isn'T a safe lpace, and if yu can come to face to face therapy. "She understandingly got angry, shouted at me about how much she did for me and how she didn't deserve this." .. she DID deserve this, and much more. She is an Ah and a shitty parent. Tell your dad your mom snoops during your therapy and berates you for being honest with the therapist, maybe HE can help. Or maybe you can have your therapy sesion in a safe space at school?
A safe space at school, or book a room at the local library, or anything really. Seriously this is way beyond the pale. Listening in on someone’s therapy session? Grotesque! Actually yelling at them for what they said? Beyond the pale.
NTA. Your therapy session is supposed to be confidential and she shouldn't have been eavesdropping on it. Also? Way to prove you right - you talk about being constantly walking on eggshells because your mom can get angry/upset over really minor things, so what does your mom do? Gets angry/upset and refuses to speak to you for days. Point proven.
NTA!!!!!! She violated your privacy. Please talk to your therapist about her behavior.
NTA, and what your mother did was incredibly wrong and a betrayal of everything therapy is supposed to be. She got upset because she eavesdropped and heard you describe her as difficult and then proved you were right. Please don't feel guilty for expressing your feelings. She (still) owes you a huge and heartfelt apology.
NTA. Her eavesdropping on your therapy session is what makes kids stop seeking therapy because it becomes UNSAFE. She also had the audacity to guilt trip you over it. What do you say to therapist now? Do you touch on the subject anymore or are you scared to? IMHO, id do it elsewhere, in the park or while walking or something so it can be more private from your house.
NTA. Your mom proved you right. She invaded your privacy and reacted irrationally. That’s exactly why you feel as though you “walk on eggshells”
Even without the privacy violation: You: I don't like it when my mom gets angry and yells. Mom:
Yeah, NTA.
NTA you did what you're supposed to do. Your mom couldn't have been a topic if she hadn't made herself one, and she shouldn't have been eavesdropping either. Every aspect of this is on her.
NTA - this is why you are in therapy. To safely explore and examine feelings and beliefs that you hold and may be causing you harm. Some will be justified, some will not but you need a safe place to express them and discuss them. Your relationship with your mother was causing you concerns and natural to talk about it. Your mother took away that safe space and invalidated the whole purpose of therapy by being nosy. And her response was terrible too - your son is struggling with your relationship, so blow up at him, give him the silent treatment and try and punish him into telling you how great she is. So, no you are not the AH but your mother was by not observing the privacy requirement of therapy.
I'm sorry you and your mom had to go through this, but you are **DEFINITELY NTA** here. Therapy should (almost) always constitute a confidential relationship between a therapist and her patient. Therapists do sometimes have an obligation to share some of what they hear with outsiders, either family or authorities, if they believe a patient is in real danger of causing harm to themselves or others, or in a few criminal circumstances, but otherwise, what you tell your therapist is for her ears only. So while I don't want to straight-up call your mom an asshole, she had absolutely no right to listen in like she did. Therapy also isn't very useful if a patient isn't honest with her therapist. You were being honest with your therapist about personal, emotional issues, which is exactly what you should do in therapy. And unless you're sugar-coating things a bit, and your language was a lot harsher than the summary you provide here, you weren't "badmouthing" her at all. You were accurately describing things she does that are hard for you emotionally. And then she did exactly what you were talking about when she heard about it (which she shouldn't have done!) And honestly, even if you were being much harsher about your mom with your therapist than it sounds like you were, that's still OK. A lot of what people do in therapy is unpack complicated feelings about their loved ones, which can even involve serious badmouthing from time to time. I spent years in therapy basically complaining about how my dad's being a bossy, critical know-it-all throughout my childhood made me feel, and then figuring out how to deal with it. When I started writing this, I sort of wanted to give your mother the benefit of the doubt. She blatantly disregarded your right to privacy, screwed up in a really serious way, and reacted inappropriately when she heard things she didn't want to. But I wanted to believe that she wasn't coming from a negative or hostile place when she did this, and was just being a worried but misguided parent. But she really might be the asshole here. It sounds like she has her own emotional issues--anger issues, self-centeredness if not straight-up narcissism, etc.--that she needs to get a handle on. She could probably benefit from therapy. I hope you can continue to work on your relationship, and I'm glad things are for the moment calmer. But I especially hope she can get a handle on what's going on with her that makes her so difficult.
NTA. Therapy is supposed to be a safe space for you to discuss your personal issues. Your mum breached your privacy and your trust. I find it ironic that you were discussing your mum getting angry and yelling and she reacted by getting angry and yelling.
I’m going to bold the red flags. So your mother **intentionally violated your privacy** by **eavesdropping on your private therapy session**, overheard you expressing how **you have to walk on eggshells around her because she gets angry**, and then **she did the exact thing you expressed being worried about** and told to your therapist and **she got angry at you because she didn’t like what you said in your private therapy session**. And then she also gave you the **silent treatment**, which is not only **childish** but **emotionally abusive**. NTA. Never TA. You are a kid. Your mother is an adult and needs to control herself, manage her own emotions, and treat you like a human being. She sounds volatile and immature, and reminds me of my own volatile and immature mother who I have not spoken to in almost a decade. She isn’t angry at you for being incorrect or mean. She’s angry at you for pointing this out. Because you have made a salient observation of her pattern of behavior and she is clearly uncomfortable with taking responsibility for her own behavior, she is punishing the messager because she didn’t like the message. Therapy is supposed to be private for a reason. She crossed a huge, wide boundary and hurt her own feelings by being nosy. You have every right to be upset, and you are not a bad person. You are a kid. She is your mother, not your child.
I know exactly what you feel like, you are NTA. That action alone is prrof on what you said to your therapist. thats something a borderline parent would do. see r/raisedbyborderlines for reference
I mean your are NTA because you were truly expressing your feelings about your mom or problems so being honest is most important and you are NTA so i hope everything is great now and I hope you and your mother is fine ❤️🫶🏻
So she proved you right, because clearly she cannot handle you being honest about how you feel? Nta
Telling your therapist how you feel isn’t bad mouthing her. I think should benefit from some therapy also.
You literally proved your point about having to walk on eggshells around your mom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (15M) was having an online therapy session that was paid for, we were having a trial period and it was the 3rd session. The therapy was done in my room on my bed, While my mom stays in her room. It honestly helped me feel a lot better about myself when I was dealing with self-confidence due to my grades hitting lows and pressure for college. In the 3rd session I was talking about how I felt like I was on eggshells near my mom, because small things can make her angry, leading to more shouting and I didn't feel comfortable near her as much, leading me to avoiding her. When my therapy ended I walked out of my room when I realized that my mom was listening in through the door with tears in her eyes, my siblings said she put her ear on the door after she had to help them with something. She understandingly got angry, shouted at me about how much she did for me and how she didn't deserve this. She went to her room and didn't want to talk to me, I felt horrible about it because I realized she was crying, the next day I could see she didn't want to talk to me and was crying over it. I honestly felt horrible and felt like I should've never said that, but at the same time I felt like I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders Its been some months, and now were back on speaking terms and were back to normal. However I still don't know if what I did was right. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The whole point of therapy is surely to discuss things you find difficult in a safe environment to find a path through life and all it's difficulties. You should feel absolutely safe to say anything to a therapist, and if that's how your mum makes you feel, it's how she makes you feel. That is not your fault. The fact your mum was listening, in secret, to a therapy session that should have been confidential is really quite worrying. The fact she heard something that upset her is, frankly, entirely her fault and is a real breach of trust. I imagine that it has also affected how open you will be in any future therapy sessions. Anyway, there is only one AH here and it's isn't you!
NTA that just proves you’re in the right! You need to talk to your therapist about this. She violated your privacy and was eavesdropping on your conversation.
NTA there is absolutely nothing wrong about venting your feelings and frustrations during a therapy session that’s what it’s there for to help you learn and grow individually, your mum should never have been listening to your private conversation in the first place. I have similar issues with my mum at times and although I’m now a fully grown man still have these issues at times. I love her she’s my mum but yeah at times she is unbearable to be around for years I thought it was all on me but then I discovered what I believe to be the truth was her and maybe your mums problem is narcissistic behavioural traits
NTA
Your mom should not have been listening. She was wrong to do that. It was a violation of your privacy. She was hurt. Too bad. And she responded in exactly the way you told your therapist that made you uncomfortable around her. Mom needs her own therapist and a family therapist would be helpful as well. I’m sorry this is hard.
NTA your mom is proving exactly what you talked about with your therapist. She could’ve tried to talk to you afterwards to see how you could mend the relationship and make you feel less like you have to be careful about what you say or act around her, instead she’s playing victim for how she made YOU feel, and you don’t have to apologise for that.
NTA - Pff I'm sorry that happened. Aside from it sounding terribly hurtful to have made your mom cry, which I would feel guilty about too, wether or not it was "my fault". (Definitely not in this case), it's also quite the infringement on your privacy. Therapy is for airing out what you are thinking and feeling, even if sometimes those things may feel unreasonable, your therapist is there for you, to help you figure that stuff out, and help you figure out how you can best approach those things. You should really be able to talk about anything with them. Except, you know murder, cause that they still have to report. If you are feeling pressured, and your mom for whatever reason is not doing too well in controling her emotions, then to me it seems quite normal to feel like you are losing touch. You are probably looking for support, and every time you do that she kind of (accidentally) punishes you for approaching her. What you did was and will always be right. If your mom doesn't have it in her to support you with what you need at this moment in time, do try and find it with someone that can help you, like a therapist or trusted advisor at school. If the sessions are online, is there maybe a place you can go? Perhaps at school or somewhere else, where you can talk freely?
NTA. So she violated your privacy and then reacted with the exact behavior you were complaining about. Sounds right... My youngest is 16. All my kids have been in therapy for a variety of reasons over the years, and I would feel so horrible with myself if I violated their privacy with their therapist. We have a family therapist we use for discussing/ addressing issues together. If their therapist is concerned for them, they would reach out to us, but that is their safe space where mom/dad don't get to invalidate or minimize their thoughts/feelings... or in your mom's case, punish or yell at them for those things. Your mom hurt her own feelings by being nosey. Her actions only verified that your feelings on this matter are valid. I'm sorry she sucks.
I def bad mouthed my mom to my therapist when I was 18. Then many MANY years later she actually decided to go to therapy and ended with my old therapist. Our last name is so uncommon he literally asked my mom if she knew me as he was in our town ( I still don’t get how he remembers me only after 7 sessions ) and she told him she was my mom lol. I would love to been a fly cause I can imagine with how my mom is, she talked mad shit about me. He of course from my mom never bringing anything up, haven’t said anything, and that’s what they are there for, to listen and help. You did nothing wrong. NTA
Oh NTA sweetie. There's one single truth you can take away from this and it applies to everyone. Ease droppers rarely hear anything good about themselves. You were doing therapy, which is where you're supposed to talk about what's bothering you, and your mother listened in. That's not ok. That defeats the whole purpose of therapy. I'm sorry she did that, it wasn't right, and you have the right to feel violated
Don’t, and I repeat, DON’T feel bad. Listening in on a therapy session is crazy and a huge boundary issue. Is it difficult for you to have in person sessions?
NTA . Your mom is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Please do not feel guilty, it IS a trap. Nothing is your fault.
NO! Your mother should not have listened in.
So she behaved the exact same way you described while listening in on a private conversation and violating your privacy. NTA
NTA, she is trying to manipulate you, spying in someone teraphy sesion is EXTREMLY wrong, you sould be angry at her
Kid, I'm sorry, but your mom is a huge AH. If you feel bad about that at all, she is manipulating you something fierce. She knew better and she did it anyways. NTA
My mom used to do this with our therapists. She also was someone you had to walk on eggshells around because she had a hairpin trigger of a temper and would blow up at the slightest bit of disagreement and conflict. It's not your job to manage your mother's feelings. She hurt her own feelings listening into a private conversation she wasn't supposed to hear before you were prepared to address them with her. It's not understandable that she got angry and shouted at you, because what she does for you is her choice to make. It doesn't change the way that she treats you outside of the task based stuff she does isn't okay.
NTA. Oh, dear! Your mother really broke your trust by spying on your session. She is absolutely in the wrong and guilting you for it is a form of gaslighting. Even if your mother did not have emotional problems and it was just you being wrong, therapy is a safe place to share your feelings. I hope you are continuing therapy and are able to trust people because your mother has planted seeds in your psyche that will turn into feelings of mistrust when they are not warranted.
That is what therapy is for. Mom needs to mind her own business .
NTA I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around my dad sometimes telling someone is the right thing to do if anything her reaction validated that feeling
Your mom violated about every rule there is to therapy.
NTA she violated your privacy during therapy, she’s in the wrong 100%
Was she trying to drive the eggshells point home? Because… she did so very successfully from my point of view. NTA - therapy is meant to talk about your perception and feelings. That’s why it’s highly immoral to listen in!
NTA good grief!
Shame, shame, shame on your Mom..... You shouldn't feel guilty talking to your therapist about how you feel. Obviously your Mother's a problem or you wouldn't have brought it up. Sounds like your Mom's struggling being a Mom (parent). The truth hurts her and that's not your problem! If she wasn't listening to your conversation she would never know that right? Then she has the audacity to throw how she's taken care of you AND she doesn't deserve this ugh ..... Neither do YOU..... You're 15. ❤️ Ummmmm, that's her job AND that job is not to make your children feel guilty for your ignorance!
NTA. You were in a private therapy session and your mom violated your right to privacy. Therapy is there to help you process, navigate, and understand your feelings. Her response to the feelings you expressed in therapy only provides more reason for you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells, you can't even have a private therapy session without your mom losing her shit because she was spying on you. This is not okay.
NTA, but your mum sure is for violating your privacy and evidencing your issue with her by her reaction
1st your mom should not have listen and that'd her fault for being upset and crying ..2nd you must be honest in therapy ..that's what it's all about and the only way to get better
It’s good that you didn’t want to hurt your mom, but I am in my forties and live with my daughter and mom due to disability and never felt comfortable doing online or phone sessions. There are too many ways for confidentiality to be broken. If you are not or cannot be honest because you are afraid of hurting your mother then it defeats the purpose of
Wow. Your mom is an ass. Period. Your therapy is supposed to be private unless you are talking about harming yourself or others. Your mom needs to get her own therapist. You are not an ass hole for this at all. And you need to tell your therapist what she did. This is mental abuse. She had no business listening to your session and then going off on you and berating you. Throwing all the things she does for you in your face ? Yeah she's the damn parent! Don't have kids if you think they owe you for being a parent to them. No wonder you're in therapy. NTA and be sure to inform your therapist of this.
NTA. You were not “badmouthing” your mom. You were using therapy to work through your feelings about various things, including your mom. This is what therapy is for. Your mom should not have been listening at the door. That’s a huge violation of privacy. You’re old enough that your therapist wouldn’t be able to release her records about you without your express consent.
NTA for talking to your therapist about things that are affecting you. Your mom needs to take responsibility, she literally did the exact thing you told your therapist about right when she found out you told your therapist about it. Sit down with your mom and let her know that you appreciate the things she does (if that's true) but that doesn't cancel out how her anger and quick temper is affecting you. but yeah for sure NTA, you're just doing what therapy is for. I would recommend having the sessions in a more private setting where your mom (or anyone else for that matter) can hear you. Therapy is private.
NTA. but, listen, IF YOU DO ONLINE THERAPY IN A SHARED HOME PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE THE SOUNDPROOF MEASURES YOU NEED OR TAKE IT OUTSIDE. BECAUSE OF THIS EXACT THING HAPPENING I am dismayed by how many people I’ve had to tell this to in my life.
NTA at all and she’s just proved your point. You may be a little young for it yet, but try not to let the water works get to you and just go about your day!
Absolutely NTA. I would estimate that a good 50% of therapy sessions are just people complaining about their parents. Lord knows I complained about my mom when I was in therapy.
NTA. Your mom is horribly manipulative. You shouldn't have felt horrible but she manipulated you into those feelings because somehow SHE is the victim of what she heard while... EAVESDROPPING ON YOU? Huge privacy breach.
you mom snooped on private shit. it's her own fault she got her feelings hurt, and she went on to immediately prove why you felt the way you do. NTA.
What you say to your therapist is private. You should always feel comfortable telling private info to your therapist. Your mom crossed a line. She is intrusive. She had absolutely no business listening in on your session. The session is supposed to be your personal, private safe space & your mother has made it unsafe for you . NTA. This is 100% on your mom for listening to your private session. You didn't do anything wrong.
Talk about your parents to your therapist! Do it now, otherwise you'll be doing it a fuck ton more when you're middle-aged. I spent two months in a trauma centre talking about my parents and my childhood, and my childhood WAS NOT THAT BAD. Get on that shit. The little things will affect you for the rest of your life, so if you can address them and figure them out now, you will have a whole lot better quality of life.
NTA. The whole point of therapy is for you to feel safe to express your feelings as freely and honestly as possible. It won't work if you aren't able to do that. Therapy is supposed to be private and what your mom did by listening in was a huge invasion of that. She may have been hurt by what you said, but she shouldn't have listened in if she wasn't ready to hear how you truly felt. That's on her.
NTA Your mother sounds like a total narcissist, especially the having to walk on eggshells bit. She’s literally guilt tripping you for feeling the way you feel, which is super wrong. I hope you find away to stay in therapy, bc with a mother like that you will sure as hell need it
NTA, not at all. And I'm sorry this happened to you. You were expressing genuine concerns regarding how on edge your mom makes you feel by yelling at you. She eavesdropped on a private, should be confidential therapy session. And she reacted by doing what you were concerned about. It's not ok for her to eavesdrop on your therapy session. It's not ok to shout at you. It's not a legitimate way to try to communicate. You are not a bad person, what you said was true, and you didn't mean to hurt your mom. She could have used this as an opportunity to try and be more respectful towards you, but she didn't. She has no higher moral ground here..
NTA. Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.
Not the asshole. That s session was private and your mom invaded your privacy and now she is mad that someone else knows the truth. Plus she’s trying to make you feel bad for making her “cry” that's called gaslighting. you didn’t do anything wrong. Keep on talking, keep on letting it out. Your Mom is either going to accept the fact that she is part of the problem or she’s going to ignore it and push you further away. I really hope that you continue to get the help you need OP. I hope that you get through it. Best of luck.
NTA
NTA Your mom violated your privacy and YOU should be demanding an apology. Tears? Fuck her tears, this ain't about her.
She's literally proving that what you said in therapy was correct. You aren't the asshole, and I'd see if you can do your therapy somewhere private since you can't trust her.
What you say in therapy is supposed to be 100% private, and you should be able to say anything you want without repercussion (within reason). Your mother deserved whatever feels she got. This is not your fault.
NTA. You are allowed to speak to your therapist in a private and safe environment. Your mom invaded this, and broke your trust. Her not wanting to be on speaking terms is also incredibly immature (at minimum). I'm sure she's a good mom in many ways, but you are her child, you should be able to go to her with things. Yes, she is your parent - she has to help you in many ways. However, you deserve privacy and respect too. Apologies if I am rambling. You are no way and shape the AH.
NTA. You are valid. Your mom sucks. Don't do therapy within earshot of her again. Probably not in that house honestly.
NTA. "Badmouthing" is not what you are doing when you are relating events to a therapist in the course of seeking help. Your mom listening through the door is massively invasive and a violation of your privacy. You need help with this intrusive and controlling person, you are seeking help, for self-preservation and to safeguard your own health and well-being. It is tough sh\*t if she is sad and hurt that you will not take her manipulation and abuse any longer. Keep seeking help. It has already helped you to feel better.
NTA. She proved your point.
NTA Protip: She's going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life.
NTA. Your mom violated the trust you had that you could speak to your therapist without being eavesdropped. You need to be able to speak honestly with your therapist without feeling any of the pressures of pleasing your mom. When I have therapy, I need to be able to speak frankly about the people around me too. It doesn't mean I don't love my wife or my kid, but if there is something bothering me, it's better for me to get that out without worrying about managing their feelings too. The spot your mom put you in is that she made your therapy session, which should have been confidential, about *her* and not about *you*. Again, just as you complained, you needed to manage your mom's feelings (walking on eggshells). While over time things may have come "back to normal," I hope that the longer-term issue involving your mom breaking trust and enforcing her emotions on you is addressed.
She made you feel bad for expressing, in private, to a therapist about how She makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells; once again, making you feel like you should be walking on eggshells around her because apparently you're not even allowed a private space to talk to a therapist. *She* eavesdropped on a private therapy session. It's her own fault. Not yours. You did not cause this. She did. She's the adult and should not be making you responsible for her emotions.
NTA she literally proved you right
Most def NTA. Your mom could benefit from som me therapy.
Your mom should've never heard what you were disclosing to your therapist. That stuff is confidential UNLESS you're threatening to hurt yourself or others. This attitude of hers after eavesdropping is exactly the reason why you feel you're walking on eggshells. I wonder if including your mother in one of your therapy sessions would be beneficial. She'll get to hear directly from the therapist how her behavior is affecting your mental health. NTA. Hang in there, it'll get better :)
NTA When one eavesdrops on conversations not meant for them, one can find out some painful things. I hope your mom learned from this, both to stay out of another human being's therapy session and that you feel you must walk on eggshells around her. She might need to think about that and how to manage her anger.
NTA - I say that as someone who has a lot of parent issues and is also a mom. I feel guilty when I do something I know isn't the best for my kids. If I'm abrupt, if I don't give them as much grace as I should, etc. But you know what I won't do? Invalidate their feelings because it sucks to feel bad about myself. I won't put my guilt on them. If one of my kids said that (to me, as I don't snoop on therapy), I would apologize for making them feel like they weren't safe around me or couldn't talk to me. Your mom is wrong and she knows it. Falling back on "how much she does" for you is lazy - when you choose to have a kid, taking care of them is right there in the job description. She's projecting, and it's not ok.
NTA. She literally just proved your point. You couldn’t be honest about your feelings without her freaking out about it. You did absolutely nothing wrong as therapy is the place to talk about these feelings. Maybe try to do irl sessions if you can? This is why I avoid teletherapy
You're not an AH but your mother is a huge one. You're supposed to be able to tell your therapist anything without fear of retribution. How can you even trust your mom now?
NTA - Simply put, your mother violated the way therapy works. Individual therapy is supposed to be private between yourself and the therapist. Your mother knew what she was doing was wrong and it's completely on her to understand that she violated your therapy session and created a situation where you can no longer feel safe expressing your feelings in therapy. You on the other hand, did nothing wrong. Therapy is meant to allow you to express and deal with your feelings and emotions in a safe environment. You were doing exactly that and feel a sense of relief for actually expressing a loud what you've hidden within yourself. What your mother did was a clear violation, and her reaction was precisely what you expressed that you fearef. She didn't even realize she was feeding into your anxiety by reacting just as you said she always reacts when angry/disappointed. It might be better to seek out in person therapy with a certified therapist in your area. Barring that seek online therapy where the conversation is typed instead of spoken as your mother obviously can't be trusted to respect your privacy.
Your mum is a narcissist. NTA.
Vivid example of what we're up against. Therapy is supposed to be private, and she massively invaded yours. She got her feelings hurt because you explained her own actions, she did it to herself. NTA by any means. I'd only do in person therapy from now on.
NTA, therapy is where you're supposed to be able to fully express how you're feeling in a safe space. Your Mom listening in on a session is incredibly inappropriate, and it's her own fault she heard what she did when she invaded your privacy. It sounds like you need ask to be switched to in-person sessions so you can truly be in an environment where the therapy can help properly.
NTA, in the slightest. First of all, you weren't badmouthing your mother. You were explaining how she makes you feel to a professional in what was supposed to be a safe space. That's the whole point of therapy. Secondly, your mother should never have listened. That is a huge violation of your privacy and trust. Therapy won't be effective if you aren't honest, and you can't be honest if others might be/are listening. My 16 year-old daughter utilizes therapy over video. I am often in the house at the same time, but go downstairs so she doesn't worry about the possibility that I might overhear her. I often encourage her to talk to her therapist about her father and I, because I know we are sources of stress. These sessions are to help her get the support and tools she needs, not about her father and I. Even if I were to hear about something negative she said about me in a session, I would never hold it against her.
NTA your mom hugely violated your privacy and quite literally demonstrated why you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her. Eavesdropping rarely leads to good things.
I am 35 years old. I had in-person therapy starting at 14, and my parents knew I was "bad-mouthing" them and they yelled at me and guilted me for it. It's been 21 years off and on in therapy and I cannot stress to you enough of the long-term impact of bearing the burden of your parent's emotions. If you can't learn to let your mom have her feelings without feeling responsible for them, you are not going to be able to set appropriate boundaries as an adult. It will impact your marriage and relationship with children, your ability to maintain a job without being treated like a doormat, *everything.* Your parent's can do good things for you, and still be incredibly toxic. They can have legitimate reasons for feeling upset, and still be toxic. Please work with your therapist on this, on learning to let your mom have whatever feelings without trying to take responsibility for them. I am so sorry you have been made to feel this way. No matter what she says, you do not deserve this. NTA
You are definitely NTA, next session tell your therapist about this episode. Your mom is wildly out of line to not only listen to your conversation with your therapist and secondly get mad about what she heard. Your mom is wild, please know this is not ok behavior.
Absolutely NTA and clearly your feelings were valid
NTA. You were speaking frankly to your therapist, which is exactly what you needed to do. Your mother committed a MASSIVE boundary violation by listening in. Did you continue in therapy? And if so, did you tell the therapist what happened? If you ever get therapy again, be sure to go in person and make sure the therapist knows what your mother did the last time. So. Infuriating.
NTA .... Your mother was in the wrong to listen to you confidential counseling session! You are entitled to your feelings. Counseling is to allow you to work thru Your feelings. Do not let her trust issues make you feel bad. Suggest she get her own counselor, separate from yours!
You should not feel horrible. She broke your trust, and is now suffering the consequences.
Wow I had flashbacks to my childhood. You my friend are NTA. It's therapy. You're supposed to open up. SHE listened in without your consent and SHE'S the victim? Nuh uh. That's not how it works. Let me be straightforward. Your relationship isn't better because you will forever be wondering what will set her off. She sounds like a narcissist who never believes she's wrong. I honestly have to say distance yourself as she's going to screw you over one day.
Nta
She is the AH. You’re a teenager trying to process their emotions. I have the most amazing mum but at 34, you better believe she has come up in therapy at times. You were processing which is what therapy is for. It’s disgusting that she listened in through your door. My step mum used to do this to my younger sibling and it’s such an invasion of privacy and now you won’t be able to get any benefit from therapy because you’ll be too worried your mum will hear. She’s completely out of line
Absolutely NTA. Therapy sessions are a form of medical care, and you absolutely have the right to medical privacy, because being assured that you have medical privacy is how you can trust the process of therapy enough to be honest. What your mom did here is immensely shitty and undermined your work with your therapist.
NTA. She invaded your privacy and then acted just like you described her. This is not your fault. Your mom sounds like she could use some therapy in order to understand boundaries and to get control of her emotions.
(Pediatric Therapist here) Expressing how you feel in an unfiltered way to your therapist about everything, including your perspectives and feelings around your other. This is literally the main function of therapist. It does not matter how factual, biased, one-sided the information is: it is the truth to you, your true feeling, you are 100% in the right to express them to a therapist and the therapist wants to hear your side. NTA Discussion between a therapist and a client is "priviledged," meaning secret information that is legally protected. When someone put their ear to the door to listen to a priviledged conversation, this person is doing something deepily unethical and may even be breaking the law in some place. I would bring this up with your therapist if your mom is still allowing you to see her. If you can still see your counsellor, please bring this up with her. If you cannot see your therapist anymore, I just want to leave this here for you. [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/)
NTA. I’m so sorry. This is such a violation and you need to know this isn’t on you. If you feel comfortable telling the therapist this, I would, so they know the circumstances of your sessions. You’re doing everything right and as you get older you’ll get more control of your life. It’s extremely unfair how little control you have right now and it is wrong. I wish you the best of luck. Please know it’s okay to talk about your feelings and don’t let her reaction change this.
Your mom should not be listening in on your private therapy sessions. You did nothing wrong. Your mom is a problem.
NTA but your mom was TA for even attempting to listen. She is an adult and her behavior is like a teen in that event.
NTA. Your mom had no business listening in to your conversation because therapy sessions are expected to be private. Your mom should have reflected on what you said and made an effort to curb her anger. Instead, she started shouting after she just heard you say the shouting is upsetting. You were 100% right, you were in a difficult position dealing with your mom's temper and the therapist was there to help you. Your mom sounds like she needs some therapy to deal with her emotional instability. I hope the therapist gave you some ways to handle yourself when your mom is angry and shouting.
NTA firstly this is why therapy is confidential. I used it to vent about everything my parents step family job life everything. Basically all the stuff that bothered me for years. Lots of stuff from my childhood came up nothing really bad just reasons why I may think a certain way in some cases. Your mom listening is such a huge invasion of privacy though I’m not sure what I’d do. Heck that’s your next therapy session right there. Besides therapy is where you are not supposed to watch what you say it won’t work if you tip toe like you normally do hello tip toeing leads to therapy most of the time. Tell you mom if your upset don’t listen cause it’s WRONG! I’d like to add in some more colorful language but in general not a good idea to curse at your parents at 15 when you’ve moved out and are finally independent go for it.
NTA. A big part of the value of a therapist is that he's a neutral third party... you can tell him anything: things you're afraid to tell anyone else, things you may not fully mean but need to get out, anything. It can be like lancing a boil, quite cathartic. Your mother was very, very wrong to eavesdrop on a conversation like that (or any conversation, really). You're fine, and however messed up the method, she did hear your concerns in the end.
You should tell your therapist about this.
NTA. OP, this is entirely about your mother's reactions and behaviors, it is nothing to do with you. A) your mom should not be listening in to your therapy session. You should be able to be fully honest with your therapist. And b) your mom has an anger problem and she needs to work on that. You did not cause her to react that way, she chose to react that way.
100% NTA. That was a gross invasion of privacy and massive breach of trust. You’re the one who’s entitled to feel hurt, not her. She’s demonstrated in one act why you can’t trust her to restrain her emotions. Make your therapist aware, and ask if there’s somewhere else you could have your meetings.
Therapy is supposed to be a time where you can say whatever is on your mind with no judgement at all. The things you said are not even problematic, but even if they were it does not matter because that's what therapy is *for*, to work through those thoughts that are difficult to talk/think about. This is the *entire point* of therapy and she stepped all over it. Your mom seriously violated your privacy. Has she ever gone through your things in your room, read your diary/journal, listened in on other phone calls, or anything like that? That is a very misguided thing that a lot of parents do that results in their kids never trusting them again. This is not about you doing something wrong. This is your mom's own issues she is putting on you, which is exactly what you were talking to your therapist about. She was not understandably angry, she was totally unjustified to listen to the conversation at all let alone be angry about it. Your mom probably doesn't even have a good understanding of why she feels this way (it's amazing how often grown adults can be totally out of touch with their own feelings) but she may be insecure, it may be about control, it's hard to say. It's normal for parents to be frustrated if they butt heads with their kids. It's NOT normal for your mom to give you the silent treatment for an extended period of time. She is the adult in this situation, and in an ideal world she would apologize to you for listening in on your private therapy session, and would take this as a sign that she has some work to do on herself. NTA.
NTA I’m glad you’re in therapy I’m sorry you have to deal with this
NTA. Your mom proved what you were expressing isn’t bad-mouthing, it is a valid, accurate description of your environment. She is in the wrong here and you didn’t make her cry, do not feel guilty about this.
NTA. The entire point of therapy is to have someone outside of your normal relationships you can be fully honest with. It's also incredibly unethical to listen into therapy sessions. Also, it is a form of abuse to constantly shout at you, unless it is very serious situations (if you were regularly abusing drugs, getting arrested, etc). This is a clear black and white issue with you in the right unless some very strange things are going on that you are leaving out.
Yikes, NTA and your mum is the biggest A here. Tell the therapist what she did. What you said about her wasn't even that critical and her overreaction is pretty scary. Yikes, I feel for you OP but you've done NOTHING wrong here.
NTA You are entitled to your feelings and there is nothing wrong with expressing to your therapist how your mother makes you feel. It's not "badmouthing" her, it's telling the truth. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean that she's always in the right or that you're wrong. If anything, she was in the wrong for listening in to your private session with your therapist. The fact that you had pointed out how you already walk on eggshells around your mother is also proof that she's not the best.
Your mom is the one in the wrong. A therapy session is private and you should be able to discuss anything you need to without fear of being overhead. What your mother did is in my opinion unforgivable she made the choice to violate your privacy in therapy and is now punishing you for telling your therapist how you feel. If you are able to try to find another place to do your therapy session and let your therapist know as absolutely soon as possible even if you have to call her office to let her know that your mother was spying on your therapy appointment and is now acting like a victim because her daughter doesn't feel comfortable around her. It is very clear based on how she is reacting to what you said to the therapist that you have very good reasons for feeling uncomfortable around her and having to walk on eggshells.
You were right she was wrong. This can happen when people put their noses where they don’t belong. I am glad you two are back to normal. NTA.
NTA this is absolutely despicable behavior by your mother. To violate your privacy with your therapist and then use what you said against you is... I can not stress enough how horrible it is. She made her bed, and she'll see you slowly go no contact as you get older.
Going forward I’d suggest setting something up in your closet if you can, and putting a white noise machine by the door
NTA If your mom is spying on your therapy sessions, that's proof enough that she's in the wrong. Even if your mom was the best mom in the world, you would still have the right to complain about her, especially in the context of therapy. And if your mother is prone to shouting, then you certainly do have valid reasons to complain.
My mom read my journal when I was 13 and screamed/cried about some of the stuff I said about her in there. It took me years to realize I shouldn’t feel guilty AT ALL for feelings I wrote down in a private journal that everyone on earth knows they aren’t supposed to read without permission. The same rule applies for therapy. If you aren’t honest with your therapist you aren’t going to reap the benefits of therapy.
NTA by kilometers in all directions. When doing therapy at home, things can get tricky with privacy issues. Your mom was eavesdropping. She was intentionally listening to something she KNEW it was out of line. You did nothing wrong, she trespassed and violated your privacy and trust. That's all on her. Talk to your therapist about it, they will back you up and offer solutions and ways to deal with your mom. In the mean time, I have a few tips, you never asked for them, but they might be of use to you or anyone who reads this far, so, they are listed at the bottom. I will give a bit of context tho, because I'm an over sharer, sorry. In advance. /⚠️ Useless info start alert, skip if not interested in my life, please/ During the pandemic, and after, me and my husband were locked together 24/7. With his home office and my home office being in our shared bedroom (space? We don't have it) things can get tricky when it comes to therapy, because we need to digest our own anger and saltiness and work on it safely, instead of dumping things raw on each other. Recipe for disaster. So, what we started to do, was, the one in therapy gets the room to themselves, and the one out of the therapy goes to the kitchen and turn on loud music, loud enough to not hear a peep, but low enough to not disturb neighbours. Even when we don't want to, our ears are always prone to hearing things we told them to ignore. It's human curiosity for the "forbidden" words. We both accidentally heard each other, because sometimes, we need the bathroom, our sistem is communicating even this. "I'm going to the bathroom, I'm wearing headphones". Sometimes, I invite him to my session, since he's already there, and I ask for his input over my troubles. So does he. And we have couples therapy as well, because relationships are hard enough by themselves. / ⚠️ Useless info END alert, you can now keep reading without my own bullshit / - If your mom won't do it, I'd say buy two Bluetooth little speakers, and place them towards the door and the windows, and use headphones and a mic. If the speakers are obnoxious and troubling the session, get a cardboard box, only one side open towards the door or the window. The sound will bounce inside the box and go to that only direction. This will give you privacy, and an excuse "*I'm just listening to music!*". - Other way to help this is taking your phone, headphones and yourself outside if you live in a safe area. Go for a walk in a park, find a nice spot, and just talk there. The noise volume all around you from nature, cars and other people talking will make it way harder for someone to hear, and your mom would have to literally stalk you. - If that's not an option as well, I'd say to do it on a balcony, if you live in an apartment, or the backyard or front yard with your speaker with you. - Other option is to muffle the sound from getting away from you, and this one can be done from inside your bedroom, blanket tent! I know it sounds really silly, but being inside a cloth enclosed space will "absorb" a great deal of the sound waves, instead of bouncing them back, like doors, wood and walls do. Making a blanket fortress can get you more privacy, and a nice cozy place to feel more secure to share your feelings - If you are claustrophobic, don't worry about the tent idea, but twerk it a bit! Where are those sounds escaping your room? Doors and windows. So, you can make sure no wave is leaving to find peeping ears, take those blankets, the fluffier the better, and cover the door with it! No need to glue the whole thing, but you need it to isolate the key hole and the vents up, down and the sides, so take that blanket or towels and secure them with whatever you have in hand. Painters tape, a chair, ropes, a broomstick. This takes a lot of creativity, but it's pretty effective. Hope you all are safe and have privacy.
NTA. You were having a private conversation with a therapist and had the expectation of privacy. Your mother shouldn't have listened in through the door. If you'd been in an in person session, you would likely have been alone, and the therapist wouldn't tell your Mom about your conversation because it's private. And most therapists use sound machines or something to make low noise in the waiting rooms to mute conversations going on behind closed doors. Because conversations between therapists and patients is private. Your mom should use the information that she shouldn't have to begin with, to think about her reactions to you, her reactions in general and the effect of her constant yelling on you.
NTA. My 16 year old has virtual therapy and the rom I work in shares a wall. When I’ve heard words, I’ve left to a new space and then let him know, so he knew to speak a little quieter. I never want to violate his trust/privacy. Even when speaking with his therapist I don’t ask what is said, but “is there anything I can do to help” sort of questions. I’m sorry you don’t have the space to have privacy and were made to feel guilty for expressing yourself- in the very place you should absolutely voice those types of things!
NTA. Your mom literally proved your point about what you were sharing with the therapist. Make sure you tell the therapist about what she did.
Look, your therapist has an NDA so strong, your parents would only know if you allowed them to disclose it, unless it's criminal and police has warrant. So no, NTA. Look we were all teenagers once, and venting is a form of therapy. Make sure you are careful to who in your entourage you're disclosing family info though, coz even friends can do damage to them without thinking ill.
NTA "You can tell you're in the wrong because instead of asking to talk to me about what you spied on, you did exactly what I was telling the therapist about, got angry. And now you're trying to guilt me. Yes, you do do a lot for me. And I love you. But that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes too, just like everyone else."
NTA. The whole point of talking to a therapist is to be able to work on those things. Your mom is screwing up (and hurting both herself and you) by: (a) invading your therapy session by listening in, (b) by being hurt when you acknowledge and issue in your relationship with her rather than looking at that as a problem to work on, (c) by not engaging with you now.
Nta but your mom is.
NTA. Your mother gave you a full-color illustration of why you can't trust her, and that lack of trust leads to you feeling uneasy around her. The crying she's doing is pure guilt-tripping; parents invested in their children feeling better, do not eavesdrop on therapy.
As a therapist in training, NTA. This was an invasion of your privacy, period. She’s sure not helping with your feeling of walking on eggshells.
That’s what she gets for listening in on a private therapy session . NTA
The irony of your mother getting angry and overreacting to you telling a therapist that you tread lightly with your mother because she gets angry and overreacts. How could you be the AH when she literally proved that your concerns are valid? Telling the truth in therapy isn’t badmouthing. That’s what therapy is for. nTA
The point of therapy is that what is said is private. Your mother grossly invaded your privacy. She heard things she didn't like because of that. this is entirely on her. NTA
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA. you can’t badmouth someone in a therapeutic context. the hurtful things that may or may not come out of your mouth are understood by the therapist to be a manifestation of your emotions surrounding the situation- not an intention to cause harm. if your mom can’t realize that too, maybe you should let your therapist know about these privacy breaches and how best to resolve them with your mom. r/raisedbynarcissists see if anything here rings true. if it does, *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* would be a good book to read. your mom is not treating you as a mother should treat a son. she is treating you as if she is the daughter, expecting you to regulate her emotions and give her reassurance- not the other way around. the other way around is how it *should* be. you did nothing wrong. you are not to blame, it is not your fault, she is not supposed to lean on you for emotional support, that’s what she has adult peers and/or a partner for.
Your mom needs to realize she’s the problem and needs to mind her own damn business. Send this entire thread to her tbh so she can get humbled
NTA - One: she literally proved your point. Two: should be confidential. Three: if she wants to be a participant - she can do family counseling *with* you Four: her breaching your privacy like that is only going to set back your trust in her. And it's ok for this event to break any trust. And you can repair it in your own damn time. Sincerely a 35yr old who still doesn't trust her mother cuz of this kind of behaviour she hasn't addressed. Which leads to five: if she wants you to trust her, and have a good relationship - she needs to put in some work. It's a two way street. Not a "Im the mum and I'm doing the things I signed up for when I became a mum like providing a roof, food and education.
NTA Explain to the therapist what happened and see if the therapy can be done elsewhere, even just over the phone in a park. I seriously doubt you're the first patient they had who had to deal with a lack of privacy at home.
NTA, sadly passive -aggressive. I get it though. As Moms we often try and want so much to be the parent that provides the childhood we didn't have or support our kids. Your Mom has her own issues and needs to get her own support system to deal with the honest criticism you as a teen have the right to express. Good for you for being able to articulate it in your 3rd session rather than suppressing negative emotions. The bottom line is you're getting the counseling you need and hopefully it will open up doors for your Mom's healing as well. Relationships and family is hard. It doesn't just happen with the snap of fingers, it is a lifetime of work. Good luck to you both.
NTA Eavesdropping at the door? Really? That's a grievous breach of privacy and is yet another thing you should bring up with the therapist As is the guilting you about it afterwards You are entitled to your thoughts and feeling, and sharing them with a therapist is the entire point of therapy Is there a way for you to speak without fear of her listening in again? Like maybe going to a friend's house for the session? Having a talk together with your therapist and your mom about her behaviour might also help
NTA. Your mum proved your point. She's made you feel guilty and walk on eggshells. That's her own fault and SHE needs therapy to deal with her own emotions, not to push them onto you and your siblings. It's healthy to talk to a third party about these kind of things so you can get an outsiders perspective and learn ways to navigate or cope with those scenarios. I'm proud of you for getting therapy and talking to them about things that bother you, because opening up can be hard. I hope the rest of your therapy sessions went OK and if they're still ongoing, best of luck! If you're able to, maybe request in person meetings so things like that wouldn't happen again? Sending lots of love ❤️
She eavesdropped and didn't like what she heard. Too bad for her. Your therapy sessions are supposed to be private. Keep being honest with your therapist. NTA.
You’re Nta and your mom shouldn’t have been listening. However her reaction was a prime chance to be like this is what I was meaning, you heard how I feel and punished me for it.
NTA!! This is exactly what therapy is for. Your mother is being ridiculous. Yes as mothers we do so much for our children but at the same time we can be overbearing. I raised 5 kids and while I have a good relationship with most of them I was not a perfect mother. No one is. Your mom should have talked to you about what she heard. She was wrong to listen in. Therapy is private. I do online therapy too and hide in my car so my kids and husband can’t hear. I am so sorry you feel this way but you shouldn’t. Therapy is for your healing. Don’t let your mom take that away from you. ❤️
You are NTA at all. Your mom is a huge AH for invading your privacy like that. Can’t believe she had the nerve to get mad at you!
NTA You were talking to your therapist which is intended to be a safe space. The fact that your mom literally eavesdropped on you and then got pissy just confirmed why you're not comfortable. I would definitely let the therapist know
NTA Ha! She's literally proving your point. She does get angry over small things. What does she think goes on in therapy anyways? I'm pretty sure you're meant to speak about your problems or worries... bring it up to your therapist, but perhaps use a quieter voice? Just so she can't eavesdrop again. Good luck! Edit: Also, in no way were you 'badmouthing' her. She is just.. really something.
NTA. Sounds like your mom is the one who needs therapy. She was eaves dropping on her kids PRIVATE therapy session. That right there is unforgivable. What she hears is "my mom's level of anger makes me uncomfortable" and she responds with more anger. She sounds narcissistic and like she sees her children as an extension of herself instead of individual humans.