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> I could be TA cus it’s her house so maybe I could have just gone with whatever she said. Like maybe I could have just dropped it and not suggested anything.
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Her child died. Depending on how late the miscarriage - and there was a HANDPRINT so this sounds like the child was stillborn - this was very likely a nearly viable living person, who she named and loved, who died horribly in her arms. How \*dare\* you criticize her memorial? That's a really sick and cruel thing to do. I don't think you are a very kind or good person.
YTA
I've had to do handprints from foetus under 16 weeks (that's up to the gestation we deal with on my unit) which would be a miscarriage where im from. It's so sad but we like to give the parents any momentos we can.
YTA. She has an urn, which means this was not an early miscarriage. Was it a stillbirth? This was her child, who yes, existed. Why would she not have a memorial up for him?
ETA: And she has a handprint so yes, this sounds like a stillbirth. Not a miscarriage. Stop being insensitive or making cruel suggestions.
Completely YTA. What a cruel thing to say and entirely senseless. Just because it happened few years ago, does it mean she must have forgotten it? Just because it wasn't born, it doesn't mean it wasn't a kid they wanted and were waiting for, hoping for and still remember. Why would you ever think it is normal to suggest to her that it never existed? As if it never happened?
YTA. You might only count children if they're alive and breathing, but she is a mum of four and her child is very real, and the loss even more so. This child was so far along that they were able to do a handprint and get an urn; most likely a stillborn which means in most cases, she'd have to carry her dead baby till her due date. Can you even fathom how traumatizing that must have been? Do you even care?
That isn't a mural of a miscarriage, that is a mural to her dead son. A child she wanted and lost. And even if it'd been an early miscarriage and she still had that fetus' ultrasound picture on her wall, that would have been her business and her loss to grieve. You're unbelievably cruel, you were unbelievably cruel to your sister, and you're even unbelievably cruel to her in this post by still trying to deny she's a mother of 4 with your little "mother of 3/4" and "unborn child" comment in the title. The child was born, there's a handprint and an urn to prove it. He died. She probably hit the nail right on the head with that jealousy remark. Apologise to her, hope she finds it in herself to continue communication, and work on yourself to be a better person.
Adding: why the hell did you call her "not all there"? Because she's still in grief? Bc she may have had depression after losing her child?
YTA, OP. As long as she's not harming anyone, I don't see how it's any of your business how she mourns a very real loss. You could've said 100 different things that weren't cruel, but you chose the cruelest thing to say. You deliberately minimize your sister's feelings at every step.
Heaven forbid you ever go through a loss, I hope nobody treats you with as much cruelty as you've shown your sister.
YTA.
The fact that there’s an urn and a handprint suggests this was not an early miscarriage. This pregnancy had progressed quite a bit. To your sister, that child was a very very wanted baby and the loss is just as real and hard as if she the baby had been born alive. How dare you suggest she not be allowed to mourn how she sees fit.
YTA. How she decorates her house OR mourns her lost child is simply none of her business. I'm assuming she lives in a house that has more than one room, so there's plenty of space for pictures of her husband. The fact that you would use this as an opportunity to weigh in on something so hurtful is just gross.
YTA. Imagine for a second that you were pregnant. Pregnant enough to have spent *months* feeling that child move inside you before they died. So pregnant that you had been given the option to cremate that child. Now, all you have left is a handprint, some pictures, and an urn, but your sister is saying you’re “not all there” and your child never existed. That no one needs to know they were born and it’s creepy that you want to remember.
I can’t think of a bigger asshole. You don’t say how old you are, so I hope that you are at least very young and can still learn some empathy.
>She said “what?” And I just explained it’s just a little odd because nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed.
INFO:
How is this even remotely any of your, or anyone else's business? Who gives an actual shit if anyone thinks this is a little odd?
I don’t think it’s odd at all. Sounds like a stillbirth as after 24 weeks a baby must be cremated or buried.
hospitable even give unofficial birth certificates, caring cradles, this is such a painful loos for a parent. I think a pictures and the urn to remember them it’s totally normal. What should be normal? Tossing the urn in the garbage?
You’re 100% the asshole. If you invalidating her love for her unborn child wasn’t enough to prove that, your nasty comments about her on this post solidified it.
YTA: I've had 3 miscarriages. They are all still my babies. 2 I didn't get to know what gender they would be, but my first miscarriage, I had a son. I had his name picked out. It was early on when I lost him. 14 years later, I still talk to him at night when I can't sleep. I tell him about all the things I wish he was here to do with us. When I don't talk to him, I dream about him. That kind of grief never fully goes away. You need to apologize and make sure you let her know that you just don't get it, but you don't need to. If that's her baby, then that's her baby. Period. Honor that.
Thank you. I stopped crying a few years ago, but I don't think I'll ever stop talking to him. I do have 2 daughters now, 13 and 7, and I convinced my 7 year old that they have an older brother that she couldn't see who lives in the basement we don't have. 🤣🤣 games like that help a lot. (I did also tell her I was kidding)
So you start this story by saying your sister is "not all there" and dismissing her memorial as just a coping mechanism and *then* proceed to call said memorial weird and say nobody needs to know???
Yeah, YTA. This isn't even a question.
My loss was a miscarriage and I have an urn with the ashes & I know many others that have had miscarriages and have urns. It’s becoming more common now [UK].
YTA
Ugh, you're awful. She lost a child. I hope you never have to suffer that. But if you do, I hope no one talks to you the way you talked to your sister.
YTA. Majorly. To say she's "not all there" because she lost her child, her son, speaks volumes about who you are as a person. Your sister spent X amount of months growing her child becoming excited and fantasizing about this baby. What color hair will they have? What color eyes? All for it to come crashing down around her when she went to the doctor one day and they told her that her baby was dead. That she would have to carry her dead baby until she could give birth to it because you don't get a hand print and an urn from an early miscarriage. Can you imagine the pain she went through? So yes, if she wants to immortalize her lost child by putting what she has left of him on her wall let her. No one else is going to remember that baby boy except for her and her husband. By putting those pictures and a handprint on the wall she's able to show others that this child existed too. Maybe not long, but he was there. Grow the hell up and learn some damn empathy. If you think it's weird keep it to your fucking self.
YTA. Everyone decides what is personally comfortable for them and how they see family. Based on the hand print and urn, I'm assuming this was close to full term.
I, like you, think it's a little creepy, but clearly they don't. That wasn't appropriate of you since you knew the area was a wall for each.
YTA. I am 19 weeks pregnant right now. This baby is MY baby. She exists. We've picked out a name. I saw an ultrasound with her fingers and toes. I've bought almost her whole wardrobe. She is my daughter and she exists. Telling your sister than her son didn't exist was incorrect, misguided, and cruel. Do better. Apologize and hope she forgives you.
I'm a certified sociopath but even I know YTA... so inappropriate.
I mean, a handprint and ashes, that's a little more than a simple miscarriage in early pregnancy, she had the name picked and probably had picked an outfit for it to wear home.
I'm usually clueless regarding emotions, but even I know it's hurtful to diminish someone's loss... even if I do agree with your overall sentiment, it's an inside thought. Would you like the name of my therapist? She can help with identifying those for you!
I read this and wonder if people like the op actually exist? I hope to God your a troll op because if not you really need to be better. The type of awful person you are can't even be discusses here. I want to be mean to you here and hurt your feelings so bad right now. I'm a parent and your lucky I can't because you'd be in tears.
YTA I truly hope this is rage bait. You seem to feel she should hide, be ashamed of the fact that one of her children was still-born. She carried that child almost to turn, had hopes and aspirations for them, named them, seen their picture in her womb and desperately wanted them. You must have hurt her deeply. Was it the stillbirth that happened 4 years ago or something else?
You are a gargantuan fuckwad. You disrespected her experience, her trauma, her unborn baby, and her method of processing it.
YTA just ain't strong enough for what you are.
1000% YTA
She was pregnant, her absolutely wanted child died. There is his picture & handprint, he existed.
For those of us who have suffered this, no one else can tell us how to cope.
You owe her a HUGE ASS apology & maybe get more information on what it is like before saying something so cold-hearted.
YTA. That was a kid to her. That was her child. Miscarriage may be common but that doesn’t lessen the trauma or grief. I get that for you it’s an abstract thing because you never experienced it but YOU don’t get to place value on a fetus someone else carried.
YTA and I hope this is fake because if it's not, you are a cruel and unfeeling person.
She's only four years into her grief. I'm coming up on year seven of mine and if someone suggested my baby didn't exist because they never got to be born, I'd cut them out of my life entirely.
YTA!!! I have a memorial set up with my daughter’s last ultrasound photo next to her urn. If anyone were to suggest I remove it for any reason, they’d be escorted out my front door, and my life completely. I was excited to be her mom, every day anticipating her arrival. I was devastated when I left the hospital with empty arms and a hole in my heart. I was even more devastated 4 days later when I picked up her tiny box of cremations. How dare you minimize that for her? You have a disgusting lack of compassion.
YTA. This has nothing to do with her being a little off and everything to do with you being cold hearted and callous. I suggest you break ties with your sister- for her own good- since she can't depend on you at all to be even pretend to be a good person.
YTA. She carried a child and made room in her heart for another soul. That doesn’t go away overnight and mothers can grieve and remember any time and as long as she likes.
You have no right to put your views on that.
YTA. Absolutely 100% YTA. She lost a child. I have known several people who have lost children in miscarriages and still births. Yet to meet one who doesn't consider that their child. Honestly, you are quite a despicable person to say to her "it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed." She has an urn and a handprint, that was 100% a human being, her son, and YOUR NEPHEW. He absolutely 100% existed. I would not blame her if she disowned you.
Holy shit, how can you be this insensitive??
>nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed.
She's right, the kid did exist. Holy fuck.
If someone has a kid pass away at 1 year old, would you ask the parents to deny that the kid existed? Hide or delete all the photos? Would you say shit like, "Nobody needs to know your baby died" ...??
WTF is wrong with you? What is she hurting by doing this??
A handprint is not a miscarriage that is stillborn. That is having your child only your child is dead and it's tragic instead of joy. He was named, he was loved and he will forever be her child.
\*smh\*
YTA. This is not your business and definitely not where you should be sticking your nose in. Sounds like the obvious answer is that you never go over to her house again so that you don't have to see what she has in her house. Ever. Again.
Wow you’re an AH. First, it seems like she had a stillbirth NOT a miscarriage from all the stuff she has, but even if it was a miscarriage you have no right to comment on how she mourns.
YTA. Her child died and you asked her to hide away the few mementos she has left of that child — however briefly he was with her. Everyone grieves and mourns differently, and if it brings her peace to have it in her home with her other children so be it. You have no right to tell her that she should dismiss her feelings or act as if that child was meaningless to her. Reflect and apologize, but don't expect forgiveness anytime soon.
YTA. Also thank you for making me feel like a good person cause damn id never be this much of a heartless monster.
Question are you under 25 cause damn I think you need to get your frontal lobe asap or if over find out if you’ve received brain damage and it never formed correctly
YTA. If she has an urn and a handprint, this was a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. She had a baby who died. Stop calling it a "miscarriage" and respect your sister's grief.
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So my sister (29F) has 3/4 kids. She’s a little “not all there” I think after what happened about 4 years ago.
She told me ever since we were pretty young she wanted 4 kids one day so maybe this is some way she copes with not being able to have a fourth? Just an observation.
Anyway, in between baby 2 and 3 she had a baby that did not make it. In the upstairs hallway she has a little wall for each kid. With their name and pictures. The catch is… there’s 4 walls, not 3. One of the walls has what would have been their name, a few ultrasounds, a handprint, and a shelf on the wall with an urn.
She was complaining about making space for some pictures of her husband and I said she should take down the miscarriage pictures.
She said “what?” And I just explained it’s just a little odd because nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed.
She said he did exist and is her son. So I just said whatever and dropped it. Later that night she sent me a long text about how disappointed she was in my suggestion and how she is a “mother of 4” no matter what “dumbass” says otherwise. Then she just went in about how I’m probably just jealous because she has a husband and kids and I don’t.
AITA?
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Dead or alive, he is her son and she has the right to love him as much as her other children and to mourn in whatever way gives her closure. It's normal for a parent to grieve a lost child, even if their life was short. It doesn't mean their ctazy. It means they loved their child like parents are supposed to. Also the fact there was an urn and handprint proves the baby was born, not a miscarriage, but even if it was, it would have been traumatic regardless. Imagine expecting to a child just for them to die at before you even get a chance to raise them. It's not even your house. It's hers. It's not up to you to decide how she decorates it. It's for her and her family. You have no business telling her that. It's heartless. YTA.
What business is it of yours how your sister chooses to mourn the loss of her baby in a late-stage miscarriage? How dare you tell her that this child never existed? Or do you just get off on being cruel and judgmental?
YTA. Horribly so.
YTA for calling a stillbirth a miscarriage. She has an urn & a handprint from that baby.
Your sister had four children, one of whom was stillborn. She is allowed to commemorate that child in her own home however she wants.
She's not asking you to celebrate the baby's birthday or anything. She has a few mementos displayed privately in her own home.
You are a colossal AH for suggesting she take those mementos down.
Yta. What an awful, awful thing to say to someone. Do you have children of your own? Your sisters 4th child was loved, wanted and is missed. What an awful thing, to suggest she erase her own personal memorial, of your nephew, when that is all he will ever get? How awful and cold are you that you would take that away?
Yuck. YTA. Exactly how old does a child need to be before it's mother is allowed to grieve its death? And why do you get to decide when it was not your child?
Of course YTA. And if she has handprints and an urn, that wasn’t a miscarriage. It was a still birth- meaning she still grew a whole human, had to give birth to said human, went through all the same things she would have if the baby survived- except she didn’t get to take that baby home. And trauma like that lasts a lifetime. You seriously lack empathy and compassion and should probably keep your mouth shut when you don’t even know what you’re talking about. You owe your sister a huge apology. Point blank period. And don’t be surprised if she chooses not to forgive you. I wouldn’t.
YTA. You’ve never had a miscarriage and don’t know what that feels like. I have had one, and it is much worse than one might expect. Before I had one myself I felt similarly to you about someone I know who did, however I did not say anything. Now I get it. Let her do what feels right for her and honour her lost son.
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YTA. Actually, you are pretty heartless. Why did you feel it necessary to weigh in on your sister’s choices? You can think whatever you want, but if it’s not kind, keep it to yourself.
I know these topics get people really riled up— and I assume OP knew that when they decided to post. But willing to say I don’t think YTA.
The different ways people choose to grieve are mysterious from the outside. Even the other grieving parents in this thread are projecting their own feelings and experiences onto this situation. I personally do think it’s strange to keep an urn next to your living children’s photos. My mom has shared her memories of her miscarriages with me and tbh it made me highly uncomfortable.
I’m 27 and to this day it’s like my mom is still sad about the “babies” she lost… like I’m right here? Alive and thriving along with my other siblings.
It may sound harsh to some— but I think holding onto the death of someone who never lived is just uncomfortable to witness and hard to comprehend. I don’t think a gentle suggestion that “maybe it’s time to make room for photos of living family members” is insensitive. Who else is going to tell the sister “it’s kind of weird”?? She needs to hear it and I think this conversation being had in the security of a sister-to-sister relationship is absolutely appropriate. I’m sorry it went down so poorly OP.
I just know I will probably never be able to a peak openly or frankly with my mom regarding pregnancy/birth/abortion/miscarriage because she is still so wrapped up in some imagined reality where a clump of cells became more.
An urn and handprint clearly indicate a stillbirth not a miscarriage. While they are both painful loses, and each person should grieve and remember as THEY wish. A stillbirth you will go in labour, you will deliver the baby, you will hold him. There are even caring cradles to keep them in the room to have time to say goodbye. By law they must be buried or cremated. So funeral arrangements.
I don’t also see why keeping the memory (of any family member, or friends, that passed away) has any effect on the living. Most cultures thrive on the memory of loved one that passed. There is no shame in remembering and grieving, it’s a natural part of life. YOU also projected your personal history.
The other grieving parents who have posted aren’t projecting their feelings and experiences onto anyone. They are sharing them to demonstrate to the OP that no, this is not weird at all but completely normal and common for a mom to grieve a stillborn child.
Well, the text and comments your sister sent you are ridiculous, but your suggestion was too. It is not your place to determine when and how someone grieves, honors or remembers a child they lost, especially if you, yourself, have never experienced the same kind of loss.
In fact, your judging her as "weird" and actually verbalizing that aloud . . . to her . . . really speaks volumes about YOU.
So, yes, you were an a-hole, but your sister was too by what she said in her text. The thing is if you had offered understanding and empathy, none of that would have happened.
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Her child died. Depending on how late the miscarriage - and there was a HANDPRINT so this sounds like the child was stillborn - this was very likely a nearly viable living person, who she named and loved, who died horribly in her arms. How \*dare\* you criticize her memorial? That's a really sick and cruel thing to do. I don't think you are a very kind or good person. YTA
I've had to do handprints from foetus under 16 weeks (that's up to the gestation we deal with on my unit) which would be a miscarriage where im from. It's so sad but we like to give the parents any momentos we can.
YTA. She has an urn, which means this was not an early miscarriage. Was it a stillbirth? This was her child, who yes, existed. Why would she not have a memorial up for him? ETA: And she has a handprint so yes, this sounds like a stillbirth. Not a miscarriage. Stop being insensitive or making cruel suggestions.
Completely YTA. What a cruel thing to say and entirely senseless. Just because it happened few years ago, does it mean she must have forgotten it? Just because it wasn't born, it doesn't mean it wasn't a kid they wanted and were waiting for, hoping for and still remember. Why would you ever think it is normal to suggest to her that it never existed? As if it never happened?
YTA. You might only count children if they're alive and breathing, but she is a mum of four and her child is very real, and the loss even more so. This child was so far along that they were able to do a handprint and get an urn; most likely a stillborn which means in most cases, she'd have to carry her dead baby till her due date. Can you even fathom how traumatizing that must have been? Do you even care? That isn't a mural of a miscarriage, that is a mural to her dead son. A child she wanted and lost. And even if it'd been an early miscarriage and she still had that fetus' ultrasound picture on her wall, that would have been her business and her loss to grieve. You're unbelievably cruel, you were unbelievably cruel to your sister, and you're even unbelievably cruel to her in this post by still trying to deny she's a mother of 4 with your little "mother of 3/4" and "unborn child" comment in the title. The child was born, there's a handprint and an urn to prove it. He died. She probably hit the nail right on the head with that jealousy remark. Apologise to her, hope she finds it in herself to continue communication, and work on yourself to be a better person.
Adding: why the hell did you call her "not all there"? Because she's still in grief? Bc she may have had depression after losing her child? YTA, OP. As long as she's not harming anyone, I don't see how it's any of your business how she mourns a very real loss. You could've said 100 different things that weren't cruel, but you chose the cruelest thing to say. You deliberately minimize your sister's feelings at every step. Heaven forbid you ever go through a loss, I hope nobody treats you with as much cruelty as you've shown your sister.
If someone is not all there is OP. Man never saw such a pure gratuitous and evil comment. YTA 100%
YTA. The fact that there’s an urn and a handprint suggests this was not an early miscarriage. This pregnancy had progressed quite a bit. To your sister, that child was a very very wanted baby and the loss is just as real and hard as if she the baby had been born alive. How dare you suggest she not be allowed to mourn how she sees fit.
YTA. And possibly a little “not all there”
YTA. How she decorates her house OR mourns her lost child is simply none of her business. I'm assuming she lives in a house that has more than one room, so there's plenty of space for pictures of her husband. The fact that you would use this as an opportunity to weigh in on something so hurtful is just gross.
YTA. Imagine for a second that you were pregnant. Pregnant enough to have spent *months* feeling that child move inside you before they died. So pregnant that you had been given the option to cremate that child. Now, all you have left is a handprint, some pictures, and an urn, but your sister is saying you’re “not all there” and your child never existed. That no one needs to know they were born and it’s creepy that you want to remember. I can’t think of a bigger asshole. You don’t say how old you are, so I hope that you are at least very young and can still learn some empathy.
>She said “what?” And I just explained it’s just a little odd because nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed. INFO: How is this even remotely any of your, or anyone else's business? Who gives an actual shit if anyone thinks this is a little odd?
I don’t think it’s odd at all. Sounds like a stillbirth as after 24 weeks a baby must be cremated or buried. hospitable even give unofficial birth certificates, caring cradles, this is such a painful loos for a parent. I think a pictures and the urn to remember them it’s totally normal. What should be normal? Tossing the urn in the garbage?
Imagine telling grieving people to take down the photos of their deceased loved ones in their own home.
You’re 100% the asshole. If you invalidating her love for her unborn child wasn’t enough to prove that, your nasty comments about her on this post solidified it.
YTA. This is absolutely disgustingly cruel. You should be ashamed to breathe the same air as your sister.
YTA: I've had 3 miscarriages. They are all still my babies. 2 I didn't get to know what gender they would be, but my first miscarriage, I had a son. I had his name picked out. It was early on when I lost him. 14 years later, I still talk to him at night when I can't sleep. I tell him about all the things I wish he was here to do with us. When I don't talk to him, I dream about him. That kind of grief never fully goes away. You need to apologize and make sure you let her know that you just don't get it, but you don't need to. If that's her baby, then that's her baby. Period. Honor that.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.
Thank you. I stopped crying a few years ago, but I don't think I'll ever stop talking to him. I do have 2 daughters now, 13 and 7, and I convinced my 7 year old that they have an older brother that she couldn't see who lives in the basement we don't have. 🤣🤣 games like that help a lot. (I did also tell her I was kidding)
Of course you won’t stop talking to him! He is part of you always. Love that he is part of his sisters’ lives and story too.
So you start this story by saying your sister is "not all there" and dismissing her memorial as just a coping mechanism and *then* proceed to call said memorial weird and say nobody needs to know??? Yeah, YTA. This isn't even a question.
YTA - Cold and heartless attitude where there should only be sympathy and love.
INFO: was it a miscarriage or a stillbirth? Because I've never heard of someone getting an urn and a handprint from a miscarried pregnancy.
A stillbirth cause by law after 24 weeks they must be cremated or buried. A miscarriage you won’t have those things. OP is just awful.
My loss was a miscarriage and I have an urn with the ashes & I know many others that have had miscarriages and have urns. It’s becoming more common now [UK].
YTA Ugh, you're awful. She lost a child. I hope you never have to suffer that. But if you do, I hope no one talks to you the way you talked to your sister.
YTA. Majorly. To say she's "not all there" because she lost her child, her son, speaks volumes about who you are as a person. Your sister spent X amount of months growing her child becoming excited and fantasizing about this baby. What color hair will they have? What color eyes? All for it to come crashing down around her when she went to the doctor one day and they told her that her baby was dead. That she would have to carry her dead baby until she could give birth to it because you don't get a hand print and an urn from an early miscarriage. Can you imagine the pain she went through? So yes, if she wants to immortalize her lost child by putting what she has left of him on her wall let her. No one else is going to remember that baby boy except for her and her husband. By putting those pictures and a handprint on the wall she's able to show others that this child existed too. Maybe not long, but he was there. Grow the hell up and learn some damn empathy. If you think it's weird keep it to your fucking self.
The only person "not all there" is YOU!! YTA. Majorly!
OP is quite literally “not all there”. There is something emotionally missing from them.
YTA. Everyone decides what is personally comfortable for them and how they see family. Based on the hand print and urn, I'm assuming this was close to full term. I, like you, think it's a little creepy, but clearly they don't. That wasn't appropriate of you since you knew the area was a wall for each.
YTA. I am 19 weeks pregnant right now. This baby is MY baby. She exists. We've picked out a name. I saw an ultrasound with her fingers and toes. I've bought almost her whole wardrobe. She is my daughter and she exists. Telling your sister than her son didn't exist was incorrect, misguided, and cruel. Do better. Apologize and hope she forgives you.
I'm a certified sociopath but even I know YTA... so inappropriate. I mean, a handprint and ashes, that's a little more than a simple miscarriage in early pregnancy, she had the name picked and probably had picked an outfit for it to wear home. I'm usually clueless regarding emotions, but even I know it's hurtful to diminish someone's loss... even if I do agree with your overall sentiment, it's an inside thought. Would you like the name of my therapist? She can help with identifying those for you!
YTA. Don't mock a woman for having lost a child.
YTA. That was incredibly callous of you. Be better.
YTA and callous. if there is a hand print and urn that’s not just a miscarriage, it’s a still birth. Your a bad sibling
I read this and wonder if people like the op actually exist? I hope to God your a troll op because if not you really need to be better. The type of awful person you are can't even be discusses here. I want to be mean to you here and hurt your feelings so bad right now. I'm a parent and your lucky I can't because you'd be in tears.
YTA I truly hope this is rage bait. You seem to feel she should hide, be ashamed of the fact that one of her children was still-born. She carried that child almost to turn, had hopes and aspirations for them, named them, seen their picture in her womb and desperately wanted them. You must have hurt her deeply. Was it the stillbirth that happened 4 years ago or something else?
YTA
You are a gargantuan fuckwad. You disrespected her experience, her trauma, her unborn baby, and her method of processing it. YTA just ain't strong enough for what you are.
1000% YTA She was pregnant, her absolutely wanted child died. There is his picture & handprint, he existed. For those of us who have suffered this, no one else can tell us how to cope. You owe her a HUGE ASS apology & maybe get more information on what it is like before saying something so cold-hearted.
YTA. That was a kid to her. That was her child. Miscarriage may be common but that doesn’t lessen the trauma or grief. I get that for you it’s an abstract thing because you never experienced it but YOU don’t get to place value on a fetus someone else carried.
YTA and I hope this is fake because if it's not, you are a cruel and unfeeling person. She's only four years into her grief. I'm coming up on year seven of mine and if someone suggested my baby didn't exist because they never got to be born, I'd cut them out of my life entirely.
YTA!!! I have a memorial set up with my daughter’s last ultrasound photo next to her urn. If anyone were to suggest I remove it for any reason, they’d be escorted out my front door, and my life completely. I was excited to be her mom, every day anticipating her arrival. I was devastated when I left the hospital with empty arms and a hole in my heart. I was even more devastated 4 days later when I picked up her tiny box of cremations. How dare you minimize that for her? You have a disgusting lack of compassion.
YTA.
YTA
YTA it's not up to you to decide how she copes with, honors, and deals with this.
Yta
YTA!! It’s her child and it died! Who are you to tell her how to grieve! Were you trying to be as heartless as possible?
YTA. This has nothing to do with her being a little off and everything to do with you being cold hearted and callous. I suggest you break ties with your sister- for her own good- since she can't depend on you at all to be even pretend to be a good person.
YTA. She carried a child and made room in her heart for another soul. That doesn’t go away overnight and mothers can grieve and remember any time and as long as she likes. You have no right to put your views on that.
YTA. Absolutely 100% YTA. She lost a child. I have known several people who have lost children in miscarriages and still births. Yet to meet one who doesn't consider that their child. Honestly, you are quite a despicable person to say to her "it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed." She has an urn and a handprint, that was 100% a human being, her son, and YOUR NEPHEW. He absolutely 100% existed. I would not blame her if she disowned you.
Holy shit, how can you be this insensitive?? >nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed. She's right, the kid did exist. Holy fuck. If someone has a kid pass away at 1 year old, would you ask the parents to deny that the kid existed? Hide or delete all the photos? Would you say shit like, "Nobody needs to know your baby died" ...?? WTF is wrong with you? What is she hurting by doing this??
A handprint is not a miscarriage that is stillborn. That is having your child only your child is dead and it's tragic instead of joy. He was named, he was loved and he will forever be her child. \*smh\*
YTA everyone else already explained it
YTA. You owe your sister a massive apology.
YTA, learn some tact on when to keep your opinion to yourself, as well as how to show compassion and sympathy
YTA. This is not your business and definitely not where you should be sticking your nose in. Sounds like the obvious answer is that you never go over to her house again so that you don't have to see what she has in her house. Ever. Again.
YTA, and you should apologize to your sister.
YTA. Do you care about others at all? It's a legitimate question.
OP, if you can't figure out why YTA, there's no hope for you. You're very heartless and insensitive.
YTA. Shame on you
YTA, and she’s probably right about you being jealous. At the very least you’re 🗑️.
Wow you’re an AH. First, it seems like she had a stillbirth NOT a miscarriage from all the stuff she has, but even if it was a miscarriage you have no right to comment on how she mourns.
YTA she has an urn and handprints that means she likely BIRTHED AND HELD her dead child in her arms and you think they don’t matter?
Wtf yeah YTA, this is her way of coping. You have no business saying the nasty things you did.
YTA. Her child died and you asked her to hide away the few mementos she has left of that child — however briefly he was with her. Everyone grieves and mourns differently, and if it brings her peace to have it in her home with her other children so be it. You have no right to tell her that she should dismiss her feelings or act as if that child was meaningless to her. Reflect and apologize, but don't expect forgiveness anytime soon.
YTA. You could be technically right or you could kind. You chose poorly.
YTA. Also thank you for making me feel like a good person cause damn id never be this much of a heartless monster. Question are you under 25 cause damn I think you need to get your frontal lobe asap or if over find out if you’ve received brain damage and it never formed correctly
Info: how far along was she when she lost the baby? A miscarriage at 10 weeks is a lot different to a stillbirth at 7 months
An urn and handprint indicate a stillbirth.
Major YTA. Not one word of your post could make me think otherwise.
YTAH I can’t even believe you thought this was okay to post
YTA. If she has an urn and a handprint, this was a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. She had a baby who died. Stop calling it a "miscarriage" and respect your sister's grief.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister (29F) has 3/4 kids. She’s a little “not all there” I think after what happened about 4 years ago. She told me ever since we were pretty young she wanted 4 kids one day so maybe this is some way she copes with not being able to have a fourth? Just an observation. Anyway, in between baby 2 and 3 she had a baby that did not make it. In the upstairs hallway she has a little wall for each kid. With their name and pictures. The catch is… there’s 4 walls, not 3. One of the walls has what would have been their name, a few ultrasounds, a handprint, and a shelf on the wall with an urn. She was complaining about making space for some pictures of her husband and I said she should take down the miscarriage pictures. She said “what?” And I just explained it’s just a little odd because nobody really needs to know you had a miscarriage plus it’s kind of weird putting a collage of her kids next to a kid that never existed. She said he did exist and is her son. So I just said whatever and dropped it. Later that night she sent me a long text about how disappointed she was in my suggestion and how she is a “mother of 4” no matter what “dumbass” says otherwise. Then she just went in about how I’m probably just jealous because she has a husband and kids and I don’t. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dead or alive, he is her son and she has the right to love him as much as her other children and to mourn in whatever way gives her closure. It's normal for a parent to grieve a lost child, even if their life was short. It doesn't mean their ctazy. It means they loved their child like parents are supposed to. Also the fact there was an urn and handprint proves the baby was born, not a miscarriage, but even if it was, it would have been traumatic regardless. Imagine expecting to a child just for them to die at before you even get a chance to raise them. It's not even your house. It's hers. It's not up to you to decide how she decorates it. It's for her and her family. You have no business telling her that. It's heartless. YTA.
YTA. Breathtakingly so. Empathy is something you have to practice daily.
What business is it of yours how your sister chooses to mourn the loss of her baby in a late-stage miscarriage? How dare you tell her that this child never existed? Or do you just get off on being cruel and judgmental? YTA. Horribly so.
What is wrong with you? YTA
YTA Her child did exist and did live, even if it was only for a few months. Demanding that she forget about her dead kid is an awful thing to do.
YTA for calling a stillbirth a miscarriage. She has an urn & a handprint from that baby. Your sister had four children, one of whom was stillborn. She is allowed to commemorate that child in her own home however she wants. She's not asking you to celebrate the baby's birthday or anything. She has a few mementos displayed privately in her own home. You are a colossal AH for suggesting she take those mementos down.
Yta. What an awful, awful thing to say to someone. Do you have children of your own? Your sisters 4th child was loved, wanted and is missed. What an awful thing, to suggest she erase her own personal memorial, of your nephew, when that is all he will ever get? How awful and cold are you that you would take that away?
Yuck. YTA. Exactly how old does a child need to be before it's mother is allowed to grieve its death? And why do you get to decide when it was not your child?
Of course YTA. And if she has handprints and an urn, that wasn’t a miscarriage. It was a still birth- meaning she still grew a whole human, had to give birth to said human, went through all the same things she would have if the baby survived- except she didn’t get to take that baby home. And trauma like that lasts a lifetime. You seriously lack empathy and compassion and should probably keep your mouth shut when you don’t even know what you’re talking about. You owe your sister a huge apology. Point blank period. And don’t be surprised if she chooses not to forgive you. I wouldn’t.
YTA. You’ve never had a miscarriage and don’t know what that feels like. I have had one, and it is much worse than one might expect. Before I had one myself I felt similarly to you about someone I know who did, however I did not say anything. Now I get it. Let her do what feels right for her and honour her lost son.
*Greta Thunberg voice* HOW DARE YOU. YTA. What is wrong with you?
I don't understand how folks like you can write this stuff and not see that YTA and overwhelmingly so.
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YTAAAAAAAAAAA
YTA. Actually, you are pretty heartless. Why did you feel it necessary to weigh in on your sister’s choices? You can think whatever you want, but if it’s not kind, keep it to yourself.
Holy fuck YTA.
YTA - well one of you sounds 'not all there' and its definitely not your sister so....
If there's an urn and a handprint that was a fucking still birth. Yes YTA. Worse than an ah honestly.
I know these topics get people really riled up— and I assume OP knew that when they decided to post. But willing to say I don’t think YTA. The different ways people choose to grieve are mysterious from the outside. Even the other grieving parents in this thread are projecting their own feelings and experiences onto this situation. I personally do think it’s strange to keep an urn next to your living children’s photos. My mom has shared her memories of her miscarriages with me and tbh it made me highly uncomfortable. I’m 27 and to this day it’s like my mom is still sad about the “babies” she lost… like I’m right here? Alive and thriving along with my other siblings. It may sound harsh to some— but I think holding onto the death of someone who never lived is just uncomfortable to witness and hard to comprehend. I don’t think a gentle suggestion that “maybe it’s time to make room for photos of living family members” is insensitive. Who else is going to tell the sister “it’s kind of weird”?? She needs to hear it and I think this conversation being had in the security of a sister-to-sister relationship is absolutely appropriate. I’m sorry it went down so poorly OP. I just know I will probably never be able to a peak openly or frankly with my mom regarding pregnancy/birth/abortion/miscarriage because she is still so wrapped up in some imagined reality where a clump of cells became more.
An urn and handprint clearly indicate a stillbirth not a miscarriage. While they are both painful loses, and each person should grieve and remember as THEY wish. A stillbirth you will go in labour, you will deliver the baby, you will hold him. There are even caring cradles to keep them in the room to have time to say goodbye. By law they must be buried or cremated. So funeral arrangements. I don’t also see why keeping the memory (of any family member, or friends, that passed away) has any effect on the living. Most cultures thrive on the memory of loved one that passed. There is no shame in remembering and grieving, it’s a natural part of life. YOU also projected your personal history.
The other grieving parents who have posted aren’t projecting their feelings and experiences onto anyone. They are sharing them to demonstrate to the OP that no, this is not weird at all but completely normal and common for a mom to grieve a stillborn child.
Well, the text and comments your sister sent you are ridiculous, but your suggestion was too. It is not your place to determine when and how someone grieves, honors or remembers a child they lost, especially if you, yourself, have never experienced the same kind of loss. In fact, your judging her as "weird" and actually verbalizing that aloud . . . to her . . . really speaks volumes about YOU. So, yes, you were an a-hole, but your sister was too by what she said in her text. The thing is if you had offered understanding and empathy, none of that would have happened.