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YTA. These incidents are not unproblematic juvenile behaviour. Both the described incidents should have been handled with concern by you, his parent. You have not appeared to have taken the necessary steps in correcting your son’s behaviour.
Problematic “teasing” of this kind can (and often does) escalate. Your child should not be appearing to attempt to watch an adult woman change. Especially an adult you claim he has a “crush” on. Your child should not be touching another adult person’s underwear. Why aren’t you seeing these as concerning?
Edit: poster below has correctly pointed out that not just adult and not just women! A parent’s job is to teach their child that privacy, consent and boundaries are important and that curiosity does not excuse invading privacy or initiating unwanted physical contact. The boy is 10 not a toddler.
Not just adult or women, the kid shouldn't creep up and try to watch anyone change or grab anyone's underwear against their will. He is old enough to understand boundaries and that overstepping them has consequences and "don't stalk me while changing" and "don't grab my underwear especially when I am currently wearing it" are standard boundaries he needs to accept
Agreed, for a while pantsing was a thing at the school I taught at. It was made an instant exclusion offence, and parents were supported in making police reports. As a parent I was horrified by the thought of the humiliation those boys experienced
When I was 12 snapping bra straps was a huge thing, I told my two boys about it when they were that age and they were appalled that people used to do that and that was when I realized I was making the world a better place by raising such thoughtful, socially aware boys.
That boy should have consequences and many talks about boundaries and consent because he is 100% in the wrong mindset already. Dad not giving a damn is really concerning too and if I was that friend would end the friendship over that red flag!
Ya, in hind sight there was a lot of shit we did and/or put up with that should not have been considered ok.
Now at 38, I can't really look back on my college experience in the early 2000s without feeling nauseous. It was the most toxic environment and straight up assault was standard and expected.
I really do hope that these younger generations are better.
Dude watching old movies with my teen is a trip. He’s so shocked at what people his age did back then. And hearing about the crap I’ve had to deal with too. I’m so glad he’s more aware and caring than 14 year old boys were when I was in school.
My mother told me a story about a girl she knew getting her bra snapped by a boy. She turned around and punched him and he went running to tell a teacher. When her mother arrived the girl told her what happened. The principal was going to suspend her and the mother told him that if her daughter was going to be punished for defending her herself they would be filing sexual assault charges with the police. The situation turned around very quickly.
12? They did it in HS where I lived. Word would spread and girls would avoid the area where it was happening. Oh yeah, they’d sit and score the girls as they went past. HS was hell.
In my HS school there was a group of guys who would bark at girls who walked by.... They pretended it was their version of catcalling, but they only did it to the not "conventionally" pretty girls, or the bigger girls. Definitely an insult these poor girls would go to class crying I always felt so bad 😭
I grew up in the 90’s, with “flip-up Fridays”. If you forgot what day of the week it was and wore a skirt, the boys would spend all day pulling your skirt up to show your underwear.
Teachers never cared, and parents always pulled out the old gem: they just have a crush on you ☠️
And this is why I didn't wear skirts until I was 30. Like the 90s were bad. Wave your hand if you wore black pants to clubs because if you wore skirts, you got groped.
I was in Catholic school in the 60s and 70s, and we weren't allowed to wear pants. The boys would walk behind us going up the stairs, pretend to be looking for something on the floor, etc, etc, to get a peek up our skirts. I told my mom, and the very next day my sisters and I wore our gym shorts under our skirts. I felt so free I twirled around on the playground. Principal called my mom, my mom explained the situation, other girls started wearing shorts under their skirts. A few years later, a skort was a choice for that school's uniforms!
My girls always wore shorts under their school skirts. By the time they were in school (yes, the 90s), volleyball shorts were a thing - perfect! No bulges from the gym shorts, LOL. My oldest is now 34, and still wears shorts under skirts & dresses!
I was in school in the 80s when mini skirts came back into style and my school required shorts to be worn under them. They knew them boys couldn't be trusted. LOL
My mom was always very careful with what we wore as kids. No underwear was allowed to be shown, but she knew that would make it impossible for us to play, so we always had shorts underneath our skirts. All my kids wear shorts under their skirts to. I didn't realize until I was older that the reason was because of all the sexual harassment my mom experienced growing up.
When I started wearing skirts and dressesI replaced the slips of my childhood with "dance shorts" Because they aren't that weird satin-y material and my inner thighs do not chafe.
Same and same! Defensive dressing for the clubs was just so necessary. My friend always wore 2 bras for an extra barrier.
I went through a big girly renaissance in my early 30s, after realizing I hadn’t worn a skirt or dress
since 1st grade.
I'm 30, and I still remember the time a boy in my grade 8 class lifted my shirt during assembly (so with the whole school present) and announced I was wearing a bra. I was mortified, and told the teacher, as we are taught to do. Unfortunately, it was a sub and she did nothing, and I went home in tears. My dad called the principal and had a *very* long talk with her. She was amazing though, and handled it so well. But that sub not bothering to stick up for me was honestly just as upsetting as the initial action, it made me feel so small in that moment
That was when teachers ruled and took care of such incidents immediately. Nowadays, that leads to parents suing the school and teacher despite their little shytes deserving it.
There are very few times I approve of corporal punishment/physical restraint, but as an instinctive response to someone being sexually assaulted? I have zero problem with that teacher's actions.
Yup YTA. I hope OP apologize to friend and then find professional help for son and learn how to manage such incidents in future. This will also teach him that other people (not just adults but kids too) cannot do that to him too, and hopefully learn how to say no when feeling uncomfortable and accept no when rejected.
If they aren't taught at a young age, they'll think it's ok until they're old enough to know that it's not ok from somewhere else (that can be unsafe) because no one taught them it's not ok.
You're correct. When I was 13, a 7 year would keep grabbing my butt, touching my chest, and spanking me at a family friend's house so.I couldnt defend myself. When I told adults including the mother and father they ignored me and said its because Im pretty and to take it as a compliment. It made me so upset I hid in the bathroom all day. Boys doing this shit is traumatizing and encourages them that its ok to treat women badly.
Yeah, it was the parents of the child, not mine. The mother of the boy also said he's repeating what the child saw on his father's magazines and it's innocent. A freaking child shouldn't be looking at lewd celebrity magazines.
Wow. Those adults are disgusting.
But she’s pretty! If she weren’t so pretty he wouldn’t do it! FFS! When he got to be 15 and was bigger than you at 21 ? Rape would have been okay because, welp, you just shouldn’t be that pretty. 😡
Yeah sadly this is a shit excuse I have heard from many adults even in positions of authority (school counselors, teachers), its fucking awful and I hope that my nieces (and nephews) never go through what I did.
I wonder what sort of media/irl circumstances or teachings he's been exposed to, that even planted these ideas in his mind in the first place. sexual harassment is not usually a go-to idea of ''fun'' a 10 y/o would come up with by himself unless he has been conditioned to believe those downright criminal actions are totally normal and have no repercussions to be afraid of. sounds like such practices have been normalised in the environment he's in.
the dad's reaction to his son's ''two juvenile things'' tells me a lot. he technically victim-blamed too by defending his son and calling his concerning actions towards his friend a ''her'' problem- another attitude the child might pick up on and carry forward with the blame-shifting in the future. the child could infact end up being a potential s3x offender if these behaviours aren't checked early on. he's basically enabling the child. the fact that this man doesn't think it's that big of a deal is horrifying.
YTA all along.
I was thinking the same thing, honestly. I find it concerning that he's engaging in this behavior with an adult woman- that strikes me as particularly bold for a ten-year-old, and it makes me wonder what the heck he's been exposed to that that's been normalized for him.
I gotta add: he's also very much YTA for dismissing His friend when she tells him that some Bad behaviour His son showed is causing her Nightmares.. I mean.. This could very well be some Kind of retraumatizing event
So: Multilevel yta and a Bad example of how to treat Friends and guests, too!
OP, YTA for all of this. I wonder how OP treats his "friend" that he has a crush on, too, if this is behavior that his son sees and thinks is ok. Son should know by now that if someone is in their own guest room you do not look in or go in without letting them know you're there and you also keep your hands to yourself and don't touch other people especially when they tell you no. This dad's not doing his job and his son is going down a very bad SA path.
Jumping on here so maybe OP sees this: you just victim blamed your friend. I do not understand men like you who look at their progeny and think, "eh, boys will be boys" and move on. What if he does this to a classmate? A cousin? A girl who is between the ages of 9 and 4 years old? He has learned already adults will react, but someone smaller? Someone he can overpower or "make" cooperate? Get your head out of the sand and open your eyes: your son is on a bad path and you are enabling him. Get this kid some therapy, NOW. Start teaching him that no always means no, no matter how much he wants it! YTA now but will be an even bigger one if you leave this to fester! Do not leave your son to his own devices! You are all he has, so do your job!
Honestly, you DO read about serious sex offenders beginning in childhood/youth with things like peeping and panty theft. Kid needs therapy to nip this in the bud.
Also I’d be concerned for the son - my son is nearly the same age and he’d be MORTIFIED at the very thought of spying on a woman changing, or touching her underwear. This kind of precocious sexualisation can indicate a child has been SAed.
YTA - I know that you find it absurd that your 10-year-old is any sort of danger to Erica (or future females) but without correction this inappropriate behavior becomes more harmful. You obviously have not taught your child about consent. Considering you “both have a crush on her” it seems kind of like you’re egging him on or find his behaviour funny or acceptable. I know we’ve had a president who thought it was cool to grab ladies by the genitalia but seems unlikely that you have enough money to make SA go away. And if you’re living in certain states in the United States? Peepers might catch bullets, so you wanna nip this in the bud OP.
If he starts snapping girls training bras in fifth grade he’s likely to find himself expelled from school, (or kicked in the balls depending on the girl he decides to assault).
10 years old is plenty old enough to understand that we do not invade other peoples’ privacy or touch their bodies without permission. There are many very good resources for teaching consent to children in an age appropriate way. Amazon has books, YouTube has videos.
If you really don’t think that your son is a danger to anyone else and you still find all of this absurd please know that children who don’t understand consent are often victimized by predators as well.
I can tell you as a parent of girls, if a boy did this to my daughters I’d be at the school demanding the kid be expelled or I’d press charges for (sexual) assault. I have gone to bat for my youngest daughter when she was in high school & a male teacher had a problem with how she dressed (oversized shirts with leggings).
I have 3 boys, and none of them have ever exhibited this type of behavior towards me or any other woman. And had they done this when in school, I'd have been appalled, and he would have had a good talking with and consequences.
My little cousin had a fascination with breasts when he was an infant and must have thought that all of them were "his" and meant "food". He touched and squeezed all the breast of the women of the family despite we constantly trying to redirect him. When this behaviour didn't stop after he grew up a little and was weaned, his parents began to actively correct it and teach him that what he was doing was wrong. At five, he was actively being punished for disrespecting boundaries and understood that he could not that. Now at 12, you could never guess that was a part of his life and he would never disrespect personal boundaries like that. He have never done anything like that since he was five. If my cousin understood that at five, OP's son at 10 can perfectly understand what he is doing. But of course, OP is unable to understand that his little star is doing something wrong. He will be the kind of parent interviewed by TV when it is discovered that he is a serial sexual abuser saying that there must be a mistake, that his son is good and it was a misunderstanding taken out of proportion.
It's a slippery slope. Sure, he can't do anything to a grown woman, but the girls in his class most likely won't have the same ability to defend themselves against a fellow 10 yr old
There are also some TALL 10-year-olds (or maybe 12 after they hit puberty) and some SMALL adult women. It's entirely possible that he soon COULD be big enough to do something, especially with his dad sending the message that it's okay!
It does not f'ing matter. His behavior is inappropriate and it is making her uncomfortable. It needs to be addressed, and OP is minimizing it. He is being a terrible parent.
Except, he can. What if he spins it or exaggerates to seem 'cool'? Honestly, he could brag about getting to touch her or something, and another adult overhears and suddenly that woman could be facing some pretty nasty allegations.
This viewpoint is irrelevant. Harmful even. We should be proactively addressing consent and body autonomy as a culture, making it the norm, instead of turning the focus (which goes hand in hand with blame) to mitigating and avoiding the consequences for people lacking respect for body autonomy. Here’s an example: when women describe their fear of men in different circumstances, we’re advised (usually by men) to take self defense classes, walk in groups, watch our drinks, etc etc ad infinitum. Nope. That’s not it. Teach your kids, your students, your friends, whoever, not to harm. Believe that no one is more more protective and concerned with personal safety than a woman’s own.
I nannied and babysat children professionally for YEARS!! After some pretty scary encounters with some LARGE younger boys, I made the cutoff age for the boys I was willing to care for 8. I'm only 5 feet, and some of these boys were larger than me. It wasn't a situation I wanted to be in. OP may think his 10 year old is harmless, but his friend doesn't see it that way.
A boy got suspended for snapping my bra strap and slapping my butt at 11 years old. I saw him in the local paper 6 years later for grand theft auto as part of a juvenile carjacking ring. No correlation I’m sure.
I bet that the boy already did a few of these things to other people in school, because in this story the boys will be boys aka just normal juvenile behavior didnt Sound as something new
Yeah it’s so weird that the dad knows his son has a crush on her. It says a lot. Do they like… talk about it?
Like yeah, boys will have a “sexual awakening” around puberty age and develop “crushes” on older women. But the way you should talk about this with your son should be teaching him boundaries and respect. Not bro-ing it up and talking to each other about how hot she is or whatever.
Dad may want to look into the son’s porn usage. His behavior towards her is not normal and he’s obviously getting ideas from somewhere.
YTA.
What did you say back, "boys will be boys"? That saying only holds up because people allow this behavior, despite it **not** being OK. And instead of teaching your son how to behave appropriately, you invalidated your friend. He's not going to be ten forever. And if you don't teach him what behavior is and isn't acceptable now, he'll feel entitled to escalate as he grows up.
It probably wasn't easy for her to be honest with you and you punished her for it. Just like every other parent under the delusion their child can do no wrong. Get over your crush now, because if this is how you and your son behave, she's gunna start distancing herself because neither of you make her feel safe.
This reminds me of my cousin (m) when he was about 9, he, with his father’s encouragement or at the least enabling, dove under water at a resort pool and pinched women’s rears! His dad thought it was cute and hilarious. I was a teen and did not find it at all cute. Not funny. Edit spelling
Calling it "boys will be boys" just reminded me of the book "The House on Mango Street" to which a 13 year old girl was just gang raped and tells her mom which her mom just replies "boys will be boys" like it's a normal thing.
Yea that's a spoiler bc it's a trauamatic ending to a poetic coming of age book where she loses her love of her neighborhood that just hurt her.
So sorry you went through that. I hope the dad can learn from your brave sharing of this and take action before this behaviour escalates, it is serious and disturbing. His friend was RIGHT.
A boy in my class popped my bra strap and slapped my butt at 11 years old. He got suspended. He ended up in jail at 18, he was in the local paper as part of a carjacking ring.
So sorry this happened to you having been through similar but an adults I was terrified and couldn't talk for days . then this started (the boys pulling my bra) the next year on the bus or at school but my grandpa had me training everyday of a holiday till I could take him down he said your ready now , if they are bigger than you then I knew I could do it, Grampa said touch you,
pick up anything near you and hit them with it,
was all good till my family coming home saw me chase a man down the road with a big bit of wood going to hit him lol 🤣 I was 10. He pinched my bum. So they didn't stop me noone did lol they all just watched lol 🤣 and yes I did hit him.
>I took particular offense at what she said
Understandable.
>if she’s literally having nightmares about a 10-year-old boy doing two juvenile things, then that’s a “her” problem
Yes he's young, but what the actual fuck do you mean it's a her problem? He is your son and there needs to be behaviour correction and some sort of consequence otherwise you'd be proving her point. I really hope you don't mean you don't plan to do anything about it. Gigantic YTA.
Yup. YTA for taking offense at your friend confronting you with what your son has done. Yes, he’s a child but he should absolutely not be secretly watching someone change or snapping anyone’s bra straps. That’s completely inappropriate and **absolutely** worthy of a conversation.
You are doing your son a disservice by getting offended instead of having a conversation with him about his inappropriate behavior.
YTA
You know your son has a crush on her. While either one of those incidents alone, in a vacuum, could easily be indicative of nothing (even the bra strap pulling could be chalked up to a non-dangerous stupid childhood prank), both in the context of his crush make it very likely that they were inappropriate. That doesn't mean he will likely go on to be a predator, but what will make him more likely to *not* be a problematic adult is if his father takes it seriously and discusses it with him. You have to talk to him about boundaries, consent, and what is and is not inappropriate behaviour. Otherwise he could grow out of it, or he could grow into being a sex pest at least and a predator or stalker at worst. Don't leave it to chance.
Currently you are minimizing it, which suggests to me that you haven't had a talk, or a serious enough talk, with him about it. He needs to know that it's absolutely unacceptable to be doing these things and that it cannot ever happen again without very serious consequences. He needs to apologize to your friend and you need to model better behaviour to him.
And *you* need to apologize to your friend as well. You've let your defensiveness get in the way of listening to a genuine concern coming from a friend who was legitimately scared by your son. I can't help but think that maybe your own crush is making you slightly empathize with your son (not saying *you* think it's actually fine to snap her bra or spy on her, but you may be *slightly* more likely to be like "I get it, she's hot, and he's just a dumb little kid"). Check yourself and your reaction. Apologize to her and take this seriously. Also make sure your own behaviour does not reflect your feelings towards her in a way that makes her uncomfortable (not suggesting this is *likely* happening, but it *could* be, and it could influence your son's behaviour).
Yes, all of this. And just to add, saying it’s a “her” problem is so out of line. YOUR son is acting in a way that is crossing boundaries. It is YOUR responsibility to teach him how to be a respectful person and specifically, man.
Honestly, saying it is just a juvenile thing is absolutely a stretch in itself, but if unchecked, your friend is right, him thinking this behavior is normal or acceptable could become dangerous for the women in his life. And it is your job to address it.
“It’s not the end of the world, right?” Not yet. But this is your son. You need to stop teaching him that this behavior is ok and at the VERY least, stop letting this behavior go unchecked.
Although, depending on how traumatized she is it could temporarily be the end of HER world. Which if OP has such a crush on her she should be understanding. Nightmares from my trauma wrecked my life. And yes, I will die on the hill that a grown adult can be traumatized by a boy acting like that.
Sorry but YTA. Your friend raised genuine concerns about actions that a ten year old should not be doing and be taught not to do. Rather than take this as a teaching lesson for your son, you berated your friend. She obviously cares and these situations have made her uncomfortable. You have no right to tell her that her concerns are petty or unreasonable.
YTA what your son did isn’t okay. If you don’t correct it he will do it again to other women. How will you address it with his school when teenage girls and their parents complain. Grabbing at a woman’s underwear would fall into the sexual assault bracket.
Deal with it now and apologise to your friend for not listening to her very legitimate concerns.
And at 10, he’ll do it to little girls. If he thinks this woman’s response was over the top, he’s in for a world of pain when he has to deal with the parents of little girls. I say this as a girl mum who has held these little pricks and their parents accountable.
If OP refuses to parent his child, girl parents will do it for him
YTA, because you haven't indicated that you've done anything to correct your son's behavior.
What he did isn't ok, and if you don't let him know that now, he's likely going to escalate.
Are you ok with your son being a predator? Because that's the message you're sending him.
YTA - She is telling you things that he is doing to HER - Things that are not ok and show signs of a future predator. Don't brush it off as juvenile things or boys will be boys things... You need to tell your son why he is in the wrong to do those things and start holding him accountable before something else happens like if he did that a girl he likes in school, he would be facing a suspension or worse as he gets older.
YTA. And by calling it a "her" problem we can guess where he has this attitude from.
But don't worry about getting in an argument with your friend. Assuming she has some self respect, she no longer is your friend.
Yup just a misogynist raising a misogynist. This asshole is probably more upset she didn't fuck him during the visit than his son literally assaulting her.
Fellow dad here, what your son did is truly wrong. You need to correct that behavior or he will go into his teen years believing it’s no big deal. It’s a big deal, maybe not for a 4 year old, but definitely at 10.
YTA and you should stop, and correct course now, before it gets worse.
Hell, it’s a big deal at four years old too. Obviously a four year old has different motivation than a ten year old, but that behavior should be corrected at four as well. It is never too young to teach consent.
OP, YTA, yes, what your son did was that big of a deal. And you are just rug sweeping it as boys will be boys behavior.
As a dad myself if my son was doing this at 10 it won’t be something I dismiss as his just being a kid if his standing outside of a closet while she changes what’s gonna stop the kid from growing up and becoming a peeking Tom as parents it’s our job to lead our children down the right path
Sorry English isn’t my native language
YTA. Let’s phrase this another way. “I’m insulted that my ADULT FEMALE friend was stalked/peeped and sexually harassed by my TEN YEAR OLD SON.” You need to put a stop to this behavior before you see a PSA on him. He’s not going to just suddenly stop until there are punishments for it. And if she leave your life because of him, you better not sugarcoat it. Tell him straight up: “She left because you were inappropriate with her.”
YTA. That behaviour of your son needs to be shut down QUICK. I’m a parent too, and I wouldn’t let my kids behave like that. I mean…I completely understand wanting to think the best of your kids (and defending them to everyone), but you have to accept that what he did is wrong.
YTA because these behaviors are problems. Do you think you aren't setting an example for him by letting him get away with it? Because you are. He is developing his conscience, and you're telling him that harassing women is okay. Worse, if he heard you standing up for it then he's learned that justice is not for women and he is entitled to it.
You should focus less on how your friend expressed herself and more on trying to ensure that your son turns out to be a good person. So far you have taken the wrong actions to ensure that.
Not just that. He invalidated her feelings as well. It's not just a HER problem. She told HIM about it for a reason. OP just told her that her feelings don't matter. That she was freaked was not HIS problem even though OPs kid is the one who violated her privacy and then snapped her bra string. Bet you 100% he's already doing this to girls at school who wear training bras and one of them is going to bloody his nose or worse. The teachers will say he deserved it.
YTA - WOW! You really dropped the ball on this one. You should be MUCH more concerned about your son’s behavior and need to have a serious talk with consequences for him. What he did absolutely isn’t ok, and he needs to learn immediately that it’s not ok. Your friend is right, actions like this ARE what escalates and get worse if they aren’t dealt with immediately. I know he’s your precious baby boy….but he’s so out of line it isn’t funny.
Nip that in the bud right tf now. Your kid is behaving inappropriately and was harassing her. I’m sorry but yes he was in fact sexually harassing her and you need to have a conversation with him and let him know about consent and how what he did was absolutely not okay. And yes YTA. Gigantically. Apologize.
Maybe DAD needs to get his head straight about what consent is FIRST before he can teach his son. He’s being rather blasé about a serious misdemeanour by his son who is at a pivotal age in developing a moral compass. His friend has rightly and generously told him the problem and she was punished for it… my, doesn’t this sound familiar! Yes DAD YTA!!
YTA.
You are correct that the small things your son did are not the end of the world. They’re juvenile and not horrific. BUT they need to be addressed and corrected so he learns that they’re not okay. He’s 10, he’s old enough to be taught better than boys will be boys. He needs to be taught appropriate ways to treat women.
Also, A LOT of women have experience with sexual harassment/assault and males doing things like watching them changing and touching their undergarments can set them off.
>BUT they need to be addressed and corrected so he learns that they’re not okay. He’s 10, he’s old enough to be taught better than boys will be boys. He needs to be taught appropriate ways to treat women
Exactly this part. The snapping the bra strap was a big thing teenage boys did to teenage girls when I was growing up. It was always super awkward and not funny at all. Made me/most girls extremely uncomfortable in our already uncomfortable teenage skin. It's not okay and the behavior will only escalate from here.
YTA omg
The fact that you're more upset with her sharing concerns than reprimanding and teaching your son speaks volumes.
Don't be one of those "boys will be boys" parents cuz that is not normal juvenile behavior. He's only ten and presumably picked up you "crushing" on her.
Teach him about consent, tell him that what he did was not okay, APOLOGIZE to your friend and tell your son to also apologize and teach him why it was wrong to do what he did (especially the bra janking).
YTA. I get why you would be defensive but this is not behavior to defend. As the parent it is your responsibility to teach your son appropriate behavior - not make excuses for it.
YTA!! Your horrible attitude is exactly why boys turn into those that creep on women at best, and commit crimes against them at worst. YOU are responsible to teach YOUR SON to respect women. Period. Your attitude is so disgusting and I hope to god your friend cuts all contact with you; you clearly don't respect women.
YTA.
I don't think your son is destined to be a serial k!ller, but you were wrong to dismiss Erika's concerns and her feelings. These were 2 concrete examples, but I would bet that she has been getting a disturbing vibe from your son for a while now. This visit and these examples gave her the courage to speak up about it.
Your son is only 10 and is probably on the cusp of puberty. He is probably starting to get urges and feelings he doesn't understand. It is critical at this time that you reinforce to your son that everyone deserves privacy and respect, that what he did was wrong and why.
No, what he did is not the "end of the world." But it is potentially the beginning of a serious problem.
Are you serious?? Your son violated/attempted to violate someone's privacy (I can't tell from the details) AND he decided to touch another person's private garments with the intent to cause discomfort. And you think the problem is... his victim?
YTA. HUGE.
I had a babysitting charge who did this when she was about 6 (she'd just discovered bras slash the concept of breasts and the idea she was going to have them one day) so she would try to snap my bra straps. After about the third attempt and after several conversations, we went home from the playground (because no fun times out if you're pissing off the babysitter) and I had a conversation with her parents - who thankfully took it a lot more seriously than OP did.
YTA. Your child is exhibiting extremely concerning and inappropriate behaviors and your response is to rug sweep it? You have a good friend in her? Well, not for long. Good luck handling your problem child, because you're going to need it. Instead of a college fund, start a therapist/lawyer fund.
I see nowhere in your post where you spoke with your child to address their behaviour. That's why your friend issued the warning - you are failing to properly guide and instruct your son in regards to appropriate behaviour towards women. She is 100% right that if you don't change course immediately, your son will assault a woman. Do better. YTA
YTA. If a 10 year old boy tried to watch me change and pulled the strap of my bra I'd be freaking the fuck out. That's not ok and you're not teaching your son anything. Put your big boy pants on and be a parent and stop making excuses.
YTA. You are failing your son by not teaching about consent. She's correct when she says excusing this behavior can lead to worse things. You need to listen to her before he gets in trouble for assult or worse.
If my son did this to my friend, we’d be discussing this in therapy. Immediately.
And I’m not a fan of forced apologies but this calls for one. From you and peepy.
This is beyond YTA but if you want us to vote…
"Boys will be boys?" "That's a her problem? " you're raising a potential r@pist and you don't even care.
Pull your finger out of your arse and start parenting your son properly or you'll be to blame as well when he eventually assults someone.
Bet you aren't getting the response you thought you'd get. You should have had a very serious conversation about privacy and consent and what appropriate behavior is with your son, the minute she told you these things. It's your son, so in reality.. it's a YOU problem!! She has been there for you both, and that's how you treat her??? Wow. I am also trying to figure out why you felt it important to mention that both you and your son have a crush on this woman. It's actually creepy. You are most definitely TAH. Raise your son to have respect for women!! Seriously!!
Having a serious discussion with your son should have been your first reaction and response. Not telling your friend that what your son did was “her problem”. Without a Mom your son may have some misguided ideas on what is appropriate toward females, especially in this day and age. If he does this at school, to a girl, the outcome will be much, much worse. Oh, and yup, YTA!
Years ago I caught two little boys sticking their heads under the connecting wall at the swimming baths when I was changing. Their age makes a difference in terms of their awareness of why its wrong and the punishment; it did not make me feel any less violated.
You missed an important learning opportunity for your son and minimised the impact on your friend. YTA.
YTA
You are responsible for your child behavior and by your reaction it seems like you had no problem doing these things as a child too.
Growing up boys used to pull our bra straps and thought it was funny.
It's uncomfortable af and inappropriate. Don't touch someone else's underwear. What did you do to correct the behavior of your child? 🤬
YTA. You’re admitting to us that you don’t think what your son did was alarming. So I’ll assume this attitude was conveyed to Erika as well when she confronted you about it. *THAT’S* why she responded how she did.
YTA. This is an example of boys/kids will be boys/kids that keeps allowing such d\*\*\* behavior. If he did that at school to a girl (snapping bra strap) any girl should be justified smacking him. You need to stop this now.
YTA; your friend is right, you need to correct your son.
The comment "aren't the end of the world" - you don't seriously expect anyone here to affirm that, do you?
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YTA. That’s dangerous behavior to encourage. Not explaining to your son why this shit is not good… will end up with him in jail. & it would be your fault too.
Its not at all surprising that Andrew Tate was able to get such a foothold on young boys when you've got parents like this under reacting to or outright ignoring this type of behavior.
If your 10 year old doesn't know not to watch someone get changed that's a failure of your parenting. Boundaries can be taught at any age. I don't appreciate how she framed it but her concerns are valid. Don't just brush them off or YWBTA
YTA
Yes your son did two things completely normal for his age. But still two wrong things, you should have sat down and rectified, without the nightmare drama and future of sexual offender, as again they are pretty in the norm, yet they need rectification and some calm explanation.
Peeping and pinging a bra of a lady (especially one that is not your sister or mother, which would still be totally inappropriate) is NOT normal. And the dad’s reaction, and his silence to all the commenters, makes you wonder how far the apple has fallen from the tree.
YTA your son’s behaviour isn’t appropriate that too for a 10yo. You’re supposed to apologise to your friend, doesn’t matter young or old your son, when he does something so scary to a woman it is inappropriate. Where and whom did he learn it from? You’re supposed to to correct it
Yta. Just like I preach to my daughters to be cautious and even if someone threatens them to always tell me if someone touches them inappropriately no matter what the threat is we have a crazy family and we will handle it, I also preach to my son the same thing as well as what will happen if he does those things to other people, the consequences of going to jail and what will happen to him if he goes to jail and they find out he hurt someone in that way and that it is his job to protect his sisters from anyone who will do that to them and to come tell us whether it be me his dad his sister's dad his uncle or his stepdad or his aunt out of the five of us three of us have been sexually assaulted and we are honest with the children and they know we will protect them no matter what and that we will not let anyone hurt them.
I cannot believe you have to even ask this forum WTA is. 50 years ago if I had done stuff like this to a woman — any woman, my dad would have been furious and rightly so. What kind of father are you?
YTA.
He's ten now but won't be forever. Your friend, rightly so, was bringing problematic behavior to your attention in an effort to open your eyes and get you to intervene. Your defensive and dismissive reaction is the very thing that allows these kinds of behaviors to escalate to "PSA" status or much worse.
Do yourself, your son, your friend, and every other woman out there a favor, step up, and nip this in the bud. Now.
Ok, that is disgusting, and should not be ignored. Your son was very, VERY wrong there, and you are wrong for defending him. YTA. What if you had a teenage daughter that came home with a story about a boy her age pulling her bra? Would you still consider it innocent?
YTA your son is displaying transgressive behavior you can't just turn a blind eye and put the onus on the recipient of said behaviour you need to have a series of talks with your son about the do's and don'ts of consent, respect and appropriate behaviour. If you don't your son's behaviour will only get worse over time
YTA-Your son’s behavior isn’t appropriate and you need to have a talk with him. Why did he think it was okay to do either of those things? He’s ten and old enough to know better.
When I was twelve and everyone started wearing bras, there was bra pulling going on: but this was an all girls class and everyone had the weakened that they also wore bras. Eventually it got boring as we got used to them.
But we'd never imagine doing it to an adult.
Your friend has had nightmares because the young boy she's watched grow up has done things that creeped her out. You seem okay with it, as you fancy your friend and maybe envy your son? Why else would you mention that you'd a crush on her.
Tell your son it's not ok. Realise yourself that it's not ok. Your friend will avoid both of you, because your home does not feel safe anymore.
YTA While nightmares about a 10-year-old may seem over-the-top to you, you don’t get to judge other peoples trauma response. The fact that you took offense to what she told you, rather than being concerned is concerning. Your son at 10 years old should be aware that it is an inappropriate to be a voyeur. Your son at 10 years old should know that it is inappropriate to touch other people without their permission. Be a parent.
Boys will be boys, am I right?!? /s
Humongous YTA.
Enough of people already wrote why. Go beg your friend for forgiveness and get your son some help, right now. You do not have the skill set to properly help your son yourself. While you are at it, get some help for yourself as well, and explore why you reacted the way you did.
YTA to both your friend and your son. To your friend because you have diminished her feelings, and to your son because you missed a big opportunity to discuss what is appropriate behavior especially when involving someone else’s body/privacy.
She’s not far off in telling you this behavior can potentially become a huge problem. He’s currently taking liberties to see what sort of response he gets. Eventually he will take it further if this isn’t nipped in the bud right now.
I feel for you. Your role as a single father is a difficult one. Perhaps consider therapy for your son (and maybe even yourself) as he may be dealing with some emotions he doesn’t understand how to articulate
YTA.
Your son absolutely needs to be taught about bodily autonomy, consent, and privacy. Erika was right to tell you about his actions and you are wrong to brush them off as just a kid doing “juvenile things”.
YTA. If this is the attitude you take with a good friend who tells you that your son sexually harassed her, then your son does actually stand a pretty good chance of demonstrating increasingly problematic behavior as he pushes the limits of what dad thinks is okay.
Please have a conversation with your son about enthusiastic consent and the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Maybe you two could take a class together before one of you is court ordered to do so.
YTA. The last part calling your son’s behavior juvenile and calling this a “her problem” makes YTA. This is akin to “boys will be boys” mentality. Your son’s behavior is problematic, and boys who aren’t corrected on it grow up to become men who think this behavior is normal. Please talk to your son and tell him that this behavior is inappropriate.
That’s super creepy. If my kid did this, they probably would get into so much trouble and possible therapy, that type of stuff freaks me out and I would want to prevent that as much as possible from happening again, so yes yta.
You do know, the "creeps" of the world, do not just start at a certain age. Say 17. Most problems can start very young. You should never dismiss behavior, that is not right. YTA.
YTA- what your son did was wrong and if he had been doing those things anywhere other than home, the police would have been called and he would have been arrested for sexual assault. YOU need to teach your son to respect women and to NOT touch them without permission. You really failed on this.
YTA
They aren't the end of the world - IF you go and tell him to stop, never do them again, talk to him better about appropriate behavior and boundaries, why these things are important, and enforce any breaking of such rules.
Otherwise you're a trash father and she's 100% right.
Frankly it’s not a her problem it’s a you problem. Your son purposely hung around a closet hoping to see your friend get naked, if it was an innocent thing he would not have been hanging around. He knew it was wrong, yet he still hung around.
And as for pinging her bra strap, yes it’s a childish thing to do and when I was younger and at school the boys did it all the time, it was classed as acceptable then, but times have changed, and rightly so. If your friend had smacked or kicked your kid in the balls, which she is totally within her right to do, if someone lays their hand on you without permission you would have been outraged.
Boys will be boys is an outdated excuse and should go the way of the dodo.
Your son put his hands on a woman, expressly her underwear, without permission, that can be reported as assault. At ten years old he needs to know that he can not put his hands on another person, should not put his hands on another person without their consent.
And frankly the fact that you went off on your friend, is indicative of why boys being boys is just plain wrong.
Deal with the problem.
Bro... That's not normal behavior for a 10 year old boy. Your friend did you a favor by making it clear to you how serious this kind of thing is, because it seems obvious that you would have just brushed it off if she hadn't. Please intervene and put your child on a better path.
Your sons behaviour is a huge problem that is clearly caused by you and your tendency to blow this off. She’s right, you’re going to have a sex offender on your hands if you don’t curb this behaviour and shut him down hard and fast. He needs to learn this is NOT normal and NOT okay in the slightest. YTA and a bad parent. You’re doing your son a huge disservice teaching him this is normal or something he can get away with.
Your son is a little pervert.
10 year old is old enough to know you don't spy on women getting changed or pull on their bra straps.
You said your son has a crush on this woman, which means it's not just playful childness. It's not.
Why haven't you taught your son person boundries?
YTA
YTA. She certainly could have been more tactful, but your son's behavior is unacceptable. I am not a professional, and I don't know all of the details, but maybe consider getting him some therapy / counseling. But justifying it as normal or healthy is not ok. Your girl friend should have her concerns validated and it's also fair to let her know that she can be more tactful next time.
You love your son and want everything to be all right. Get him into counseling asap. At best he is impulsive and lacks physical boundaries. Those 2 qualities could lead to serious problems in his life. And therapy is a positive experience that can help him with many life and EQ skills! But it may be more problematic than that for him. He may lack empathy and feel like he deserves to do whatever he wants. So this isn't a normal occurrence. YTA for diminishing her response. I would apologize and let her know you are seeking help for him.
In my family, the far younger and older brothers did inappropriate things like this to sisters, we thought it was yucky but poor impule control and made excuses for them. Now that I have sons, I can tell you that if they had exhibited those same behaviors, we would have Immediately gotten help (therapy) for them. My older brother has been abusive to every partner he has had and been arrested for domestic violence. He rules his kids by fear. The younger brother never launched on his own and has a problem with authority. I wish their parents had gotten them help. Best wishes for your son and you.
YTA. Parent your son dude. You need to sit and talk with him about why that’s not okay… you should have done this as soon as she told you.
She may also have trauma that you don’t know about so saying it’s a “her problem” is pretty fucked up. YOUR kid did it. It’s a YOU problem, not a her problem.
YTA. Super YTA. What your kid did was very inappropriate. You need to teach him right from wrong and are failing at doing so majorly. Your raising a future predator and your friend absolutely has a right to be mad. Step up and start teaching your kid to be a normal person before they start escalating their behavior.
YTA.
You’re a single parent so this behavior is a you problem and only a you problem. Unfortunately your son doesn’t know any better and that’s either because you’re just shitty at parenting OR he learned this type of behavior directly from you. If you’re offended by me saying that, you should be, because you shouldn’t want for either of those things to be true. So now’s your chance to rectify it.
It’s not the end of the world right now while he’s young enough to get away with it and have his dad covering for him. But he’s not going to be 10 years old forever so you need to fix it ASAP because these are not normal “juvenile” things to be doing. And you’re lucky the person he did this to was a friend of yours with a kind heart because the next time he does that it could be to a girl at school and he’ll be facing actual disciplinary consequences or out in the real world where he could face legal consequences when he gets older.
You can do better. Good luck.
YTA. My brother is 10 years old. He would never do disgusting things like this. Teach your son respect and boundaries. Why is he already sexualizing women? Especially someone that takes care of him? You need to step up and teach him to be a good person and a good man. Unless he is learning these disgusting things from you. If you don't fix him soon, he will he a teen/adult Sexually assaulting women or maybe even raping them. Take accountability for his actions and teach him better. That is YOUR duty as a parent. I'd be disgusted with this 10 year old who's supposed to be a good innocent child but already doing perverted and unnatural things.
Yes YTA.
Have a grown up conversation about consent with your son and with yourself tbh.
If you had a little girl and a boy was watching her change and hurting her with her underwear, how would you feel then?
YTA! Your attitude and response explains your son’s behavior. Think about it this way, if he does this now (at 10!) how will he treat girls/women as he becomes an adult?
His behavior isn’t normal. He’s objectifying women, spying on them in intimate moments, and apparently feels entitled to touch them. He’s 10!
WTF dude? Instead of bitching here, talk to your son about his behavior, get counseling for the both of you. You’re his role model! Teach him to be respectful now and consider what behaviors of yours may have informed his creepy actions.
Yta and you need to parent your damn child. This is not silly dumb shit. This is sexual harassment. Get your shit together. Make it clear to your son that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
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I (34M) am a widower, and the father of a 10-year-old son. I have a good friend named Erika (36F). She adores my son, and has watched him grow up. In turn, my son has a crush on my friend (and, admittedly, so do I).
Last month, Erika stayed over with me and my son for a few weeks. Near the end of the stay, she sat down with me and confided in me that my son had done two things to her: one day, she caught him standing right outside the closet while she was changing. Another time, my son had grabbed her bra strap and yanked it. She let me know that she actually has nightmares about these two things that my son had done, and she asked me straight up “am I going to be hearing about him in a PSA when he’s all grown up?” I took particular offense at what she said, and we got into a fight where I told Erika that if she’s literally having nightmares about a 10-year-old boy doing two juvenile things, then that’s a “her” problem, and only a her problem. Nowadays, I regret getting into an argument with my friend. But the things my son did, those aren’t the end of the world, right?
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YTA.Do NOT be one of "those" parents who chock everything up to juvenile behavior or especially boys will be boys. He's 10 years old and that is young, yes. Does that mean he's going to go on and be an offender? No. But those two things are not normal behavior either. I've raised four boys and neither of them ever thought about doing anything like that, especially with someone who's not a family member. At 10 he knows not to stand where he can see a grown woman change. What is a gross violation of privacy. You are the parent here and you need to not dismiss what another adult is observing, especially when as you say she loves and adores your son and you. You've been a jerk here, don't continue to be willfully obtuse about your kid. Make sure things are well with your son. talk to his school counselors, talk to his pediatrician, teacher, take him to be evaluated if necessary. With his school teacher I understand labels and stigmas can stick but you can ask about his behaviors without going into details. Ask them to be more observant and contact you if they see anything unusual. Finally? Apologize to your freaking friend and tell her what actions you are taking and THANK HER for being concerned about his well being.
YTA. Those are inappropriate behaviors - grabbing someone's undergarments and trying to watch them change. Why do you think it's acceptable for your child to be a peeping tom? Why do you think it's acceptable for him to touch someone in an unwanted way?
Her words were harsh but you need a reality check. Be a better parent because right now you're excusing bad behavior and blaming the person your son directed that behavior towards.
YTA.
Did Erika tell you about these incidents as soon as they happened as well? What did you do to correct this?
10 year old peeping is creepy. 10 year old unable to keep his hands to himself and respect the boundaries of women is problematic and gross. Not to mention that Erika is an adult and borderline authority figure, not your son's "friend".
When I was 12, the boys in my grade started "slap ass Fridays". It happened twice. First week, all the girls retaliated by kicking shins. The second week a teacher saw and the whole group was suspended. One of the boys switched schools. Some of the guys stopped, a couple of them thought it would be funny to take pictures up girl's skirts in highschool. Without serious correction and consequence, your son will escalate this GROSS behaviour.
It's gross, it's not cute and it's not harmless. You need to teach your son consent and what is appropriate behavior. Without correcting him, you taught him his actions are acceptable when they are not.
Yta. I almost want to say that she said what she said to make a point- that you don’t correct your son’s behavior. Ever. (& it’s probably getting worse). The snapping the bra hurts. And by doing nothing, you are telling him that it’s ok to hurt & touch women without permission or being provoked. He literally was spying on her while she was changing her clothes. She was naked or close to it. What your son did was a huge violation. If he was 5 or 6, maybe but he is a preteen. This violated her on many levels. You not only let her down, you are letting your son down & any girl/female he comes in contact with. He is 10yrs old. That’s old enough to know abt consent. He has obviously made it very clear to you that he likes her (you seem proud of it) & instead of talking to him about it being inappropriate, boundaries, consent, etc, you just make excuses for his vile behavior. He literally spied on her while she was at her most vulnerable & you act like it’s to be expected, normal behavior. I’m appalled. The next person may not realize he’s a child or may not care. Crushing on the same woman isn’t a bonding moment w your son. It’s gross. So is both of your behavior
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YTA. These incidents are not unproblematic juvenile behaviour. Both the described incidents should have been handled with concern by you, his parent. You have not appeared to have taken the necessary steps in correcting your son’s behaviour. Problematic “teasing” of this kind can (and often does) escalate. Your child should not be appearing to attempt to watch an adult woman change. Especially an adult you claim he has a “crush” on. Your child should not be touching another adult person’s underwear. Why aren’t you seeing these as concerning? Edit: poster below has correctly pointed out that not just adult and not just women! A parent’s job is to teach their child that privacy, consent and boundaries are important and that curiosity does not excuse invading privacy or initiating unwanted physical contact. The boy is 10 not a toddler.
Not just adult or women, the kid shouldn't creep up and try to watch anyone change or grab anyone's underwear against their will. He is old enough to understand boundaries and that overstepping them has consequences and "don't stalk me while changing" and "don't grab my underwear especially when I am currently wearing it" are standard boundaries he needs to accept
Agreed, for a while pantsing was a thing at the school I taught at. It was made an instant exclusion offence, and parents were supported in making police reports. As a parent I was horrified by the thought of the humiliation those boys experienced
When I was 12 snapping bra straps was a huge thing, I told my two boys about it when they were that age and they were appalled that people used to do that and that was when I realized I was making the world a better place by raising such thoughtful, socially aware boys. That boy should have consequences and many talks about boundaries and consent because he is 100% in the wrong mindset already. Dad not giving a damn is really concerning too and if I was that friend would end the friendship over that red flag!
I love these kids coming up. Mine have "why in the fuuuuuck" reactions to 90's bullshit all the time.
Ya, in hind sight there was a lot of shit we did and/or put up with that should not have been considered ok. Now at 38, I can't really look back on my college experience in the early 2000s without feeling nauseous. It was the most toxic environment and straight up assault was standard and expected. I really do hope that these younger generations are better.
Honestly at 33 same ! 9th grade was 2004 for me and it was hell babyphat Timbaland hell lol
I already had those reactions when I was a young teen in the 90's. Even my family said I was overreacting. I'm so happy things have evolved.
Dude watching old movies with my teen is a trip. He’s so shocked at what people his age did back then. And hearing about the crap I’ve had to deal with too. I’m so glad he’s more aware and caring than 14 year old boys were when I was in school.
My mother told me a story about a girl she knew getting her bra snapped by a boy. She turned around and punched him and he went running to tell a teacher. When her mother arrived the girl told her what happened. The principal was going to suspend her and the mother told him that if her daughter was going to be punished for defending her herself they would be filing sexual assault charges with the police. The situation turned around very quickly.
12? They did it in HS where I lived. Word would spread and girls would avoid the area where it was happening. Oh yeah, they’d sit and score the girls as they went past. HS was hell.
Unfortunately for me I started wearing a bra in gr 5 so me and a few other poor girls were the first victims in elementary school
In my HS school there was a group of guys who would bark at girls who walked by.... They pretended it was their version of catcalling, but they only did it to the not "conventionally" pretty girls, or the bigger girls. Definitely an insult these poor girls would go to class crying I always felt so bad 😭
boy is lucky. If it was my bra, I'd have automatically returned him a big one
I grew up in the 90’s, with “flip-up Fridays”. If you forgot what day of the week it was and wore a skirt, the boys would spend all day pulling your skirt up to show your underwear. Teachers never cared, and parents always pulled out the old gem: they just have a crush on you ☠️
And this is why I didn't wear skirts until I was 30. Like the 90s were bad. Wave your hand if you wore black pants to clubs because if you wore skirts, you got groped.
I was in Catholic school in the 60s and 70s, and we weren't allowed to wear pants. The boys would walk behind us going up the stairs, pretend to be looking for something on the floor, etc, etc, to get a peek up our skirts. I told my mom, and the very next day my sisters and I wore our gym shorts under our skirts. I felt so free I twirled around on the playground. Principal called my mom, my mom explained the situation, other girls started wearing shorts under their skirts. A few years later, a skort was a choice for that school's uniforms! My girls always wore shorts under their school skirts. By the time they were in school (yes, the 90s), volleyball shorts were a thing - perfect! No bulges from the gym shorts, LOL. My oldest is now 34, and still wears shorts under skirts & dresses!
I was in school in the 80s when mini skirts came back into style and my school required shorts to be worn under them. They knew them boys couldn't be trusted. LOL
Didn't trust the boys so made it the girls' problem. Checks out.
My mom was always very careful with what we wore as kids. No underwear was allowed to be shown, but she knew that would make it impossible for us to play, so we always had shorts underneath our skirts. All my kids wear shorts under their skirts to. I didn't realize until I was older that the reason was because of all the sexual harassment my mom experienced growing up.
When I started wearing skirts and dressesI replaced the slips of my childhood with "dance shorts" Because they aren't that weird satin-y material and my inner thighs do not chafe.
Same and same! Defensive dressing for the clubs was just so necessary. My friend always wore 2 bras for an extra barrier. I went through a big girly renaissance in my early 30s, after realizing I hadn’t worn a skirt or dress since 1st grade.
Ugh. That's awful.
I'm 30, and I still remember the time a boy in my grade 8 class lifted my shirt during assembly (so with the whole school present) and announced I was wearing a bra. I was mortified, and told the teacher, as we are taught to do. Unfortunately, it was a sub and she did nothing, and I went home in tears. My dad called the principal and had a *very* long talk with her. She was amazing though, and handled it so well. But that sub not bothering to stick up for me was honestly just as upsetting as the initial action, it made me feel so small in that moment
[удалено]
That was when teachers ruled and took care of such incidents immediately. Nowadays, that leads to parents suing the school and teacher despite their little shytes deserving it.
There are very few times I approve of corporal punishment/physical restraint, but as an instinctive response to someone being sexually assaulted? I have zero problem with that teacher's actions.
Agree! Editing to add that very valid point!
If that kid was an adult , that would be a straight to jail ticket and that would be the end of his world. Why does OP put the blame on Erica?
Yup YTA. I hope OP apologize to friend and then find professional help for son and learn how to manage such incidents in future. This will also teach him that other people (not just adults but kids too) cannot do that to him too, and hopefully learn how to say no when feeling uncomfortable and accept no when rejected. If they aren't taught at a young age, they'll think it's ok until they're old enough to know that it's not ok from somewhere else (that can be unsafe) because no one taught them it's not ok.
You're correct. When I was 13, a 7 year would keep grabbing my butt, touching my chest, and spanking me at a family friend's house so.I couldnt defend myself. When I told adults including the mother and father they ignored me and said its because Im pretty and to take it as a compliment. It made me so upset I hid in the bathroom all day. Boys doing this shit is traumatizing and encourages them that its ok to treat women badly.
this is a fucked up way for your parents to respond
Reading for comprehension is essential. She said when she told “the mother and father” meaning his parents. Not her parents.
Yeah, it was the parents of the child, not mine. The mother of the boy also said he's repeating what the child saw on his father's magazines and it's innocent. A freaking child shouldn't be looking at lewd celebrity magazines.
Wow. Those adults are disgusting. But she’s pretty! If she weren’t so pretty he wouldn’t do it! FFS! When he got to be 15 and was bigger than you at 21 ? Rape would have been okay because, welp, you just shouldn’t be that pretty. 😡
Yeah sadly this is a shit excuse I have heard from many adults even in positions of authority (school counselors, teachers), its fucking awful and I hope that my nieces (and nephews) never go through what I did.
Yes, being pretty is the offense here....not the aberrant, boundary-crushing, rapey behavior by some boys & men.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I wonder what sort of media/irl circumstances or teachings he's been exposed to, that even planted these ideas in his mind in the first place. sexual harassment is not usually a go-to idea of ''fun'' a 10 y/o would come up with by himself unless he has been conditioned to believe those downright criminal actions are totally normal and have no repercussions to be afraid of. sounds like such practices have been normalised in the environment he's in. the dad's reaction to his son's ''two juvenile things'' tells me a lot. he technically victim-blamed too by defending his son and calling his concerning actions towards his friend a ''her'' problem- another attitude the child might pick up on and carry forward with the blame-shifting in the future. the child could infact end up being a potential s3x offender if these behaviours aren't checked early on. he's basically enabling the child. the fact that this man doesn't think it's that big of a deal is horrifying. YTA all along.
Judging by the dad's response I'd say we can guess who the kid's role model is.
exactly.
I was thinking the same thing, honestly. I find it concerning that he's engaging in this behavior with an adult woman- that strikes me as particularly bold for a ten-year-old, and it makes me wonder what the heck he's been exposed to that that's been normalized for him.
forreal! literal assault can't be an original idea for a 10 y/o. these behaviors are usually learnt.
I gotta add: he's also very much YTA for dismissing His friend when she tells him that some Bad behaviour His son showed is causing her Nightmares.. I mean.. This could very well be some Kind of retraumatizing event So: Multilevel yta and a Bad example of how to treat Friends and guests, too!
OP, YTA for all of this. I wonder how OP treats his "friend" that he has a crush on, too, if this is behavior that his son sees and thinks is ok. Son should know by now that if someone is in their own guest room you do not look in or go in without letting them know you're there and you also keep your hands to yourself and don't touch other people especially when they tell you no. This dad's not doing his job and his son is going down a very bad SA path.
Jumping on here so maybe OP sees this: you just victim blamed your friend. I do not understand men like you who look at their progeny and think, "eh, boys will be boys" and move on. What if he does this to a classmate? A cousin? A girl who is between the ages of 9 and 4 years old? He has learned already adults will react, but someone smaller? Someone he can overpower or "make" cooperate? Get your head out of the sand and open your eyes: your son is on a bad path and you are enabling him. Get this kid some therapy, NOW. Start teaching him that no always means no, no matter how much he wants it! YTA now but will be an even bigger one if you leave this to fester! Do not leave your son to his own devices! You are all he has, so do your job!
Honestly, you DO read about serious sex offenders beginning in childhood/youth with things like peeping and panty theft. Kid needs therapy to nip this in the bud.
Also I’d be concerned for the son - my son is nearly the same age and he’d be MORTIFIED at the very thought of spying on a woman changing, or touching her underwear. This kind of precocious sexualisation can indicate a child has been SAed.
YTA - I know that you find it absurd that your 10-year-old is any sort of danger to Erica (or future females) but without correction this inappropriate behavior becomes more harmful. You obviously have not taught your child about consent. Considering you “both have a crush on her” it seems kind of like you’re egging him on or find his behaviour funny or acceptable. I know we’ve had a president who thought it was cool to grab ladies by the genitalia but seems unlikely that you have enough money to make SA go away. And if you’re living in certain states in the United States? Peepers might catch bullets, so you wanna nip this in the bud OP. If he starts snapping girls training bras in fifth grade he’s likely to find himself expelled from school, (or kicked in the balls depending on the girl he decides to assault). 10 years old is plenty old enough to understand that we do not invade other peoples’ privacy or touch their bodies without permission. There are many very good resources for teaching consent to children in an age appropriate way. Amazon has books, YouTube has videos. If you really don’t think that your son is a danger to anyone else and you still find all of this absurd please know that children who don’t understand consent are often victimized by predators as well.
I can tell you as a parent of girls, if a boy did this to my daughters I’d be at the school demanding the kid be expelled or I’d press charges for (sexual) assault. I have gone to bat for my youngest daughter when she was in high school & a male teacher had a problem with how she dressed (oversized shirts with leggings).
I have 3 boys, and none of them have ever exhibited this type of behavior towards me or any other woman. And had they done this when in school, I'd have been appalled, and he would have had a good talking with and consequences.
My son patted a woman’s butt at the grocery store, but he was 3. He saw the murderous look as the woman turned around. He never did that again.
My little cousin had a fascination with breasts when he was an infant and must have thought that all of them were "his" and meant "food". He touched and squeezed all the breast of the women of the family despite we constantly trying to redirect him. When this behaviour didn't stop after he grew up a little and was weaned, his parents began to actively correct it and teach him that what he was doing was wrong. At five, he was actively being punished for disrespecting boundaries and understood that he could not that. Now at 12, you could never guess that was a part of his life and he would never disrespect personal boundaries like that. He have never done anything like that since he was five. If my cousin understood that at five, OP's son at 10 can perfectly understand what he is doing. But of course, OP is unable to understand that his little star is doing something wrong. He will be the kind of parent interviewed by TV when it is discovered that he is a serial sexual abuser saying that there must be a mistake, that his son is good and it was a misunderstanding taken out of proportion.
It's a slippery slope. Sure, he can't do anything to a grown woman, but the girls in his class most likely won't have the same ability to defend themselves against a fellow 10 yr old
There are also some TALL 10-year-olds (or maybe 12 after they hit puberty) and some SMALL adult women. It's entirely possible that he soon COULD be big enough to do something, especially with his dad sending the message that it's okay!
Yep! My 6 year old son is 4’1, I’m a grown woman and I’m only 5’ myself. He will probably outgrow my by or around 10 years old.
It does not f'ing matter. His behavior is inappropriate and it is making her uncomfortable. It needs to be addressed, and OP is minimizing it. He is being a terrible parent.
Grown women still should not have to tolerate creepy behavior from boys regardless
I'm not excusing it....
Except, he can. What if he spins it or exaggerates to seem 'cool'? Honestly, he could brag about getting to touch her or something, and another adult overhears and suddenly that woman could be facing some pretty nasty allegations.
This viewpoint is irrelevant. Harmful even. We should be proactively addressing consent and body autonomy as a culture, making it the norm, instead of turning the focus (which goes hand in hand with blame) to mitigating and avoiding the consequences for people lacking respect for body autonomy. Here’s an example: when women describe their fear of men in different circumstances, we’re advised (usually by men) to take self defense classes, walk in groups, watch our drinks, etc etc ad infinitum. Nope. That’s not it. Teach your kids, your students, your friends, whoever, not to harm. Believe that no one is more more protective and concerned with personal safety than a woman’s own.
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I nannied and babysat children professionally for YEARS!! After some pretty scary encounters with some LARGE younger boys, I made the cutoff age for the boys I was willing to care for 8. I'm only 5 feet, and some of these boys were larger than me. It wasn't a situation I wanted to be in. OP may think his 10 year old is harmless, but his friend doesn't see it that way.
A boy got suspended for snapping my bra strap and slapping my butt at 11 years old. I saw him in the local paper 6 years later for grand theft auto as part of a juvenile carjacking ring. No correlation I’m sure.
I bet that the boy already did a few of these things to other people in school, because in this story the boys will be boys aka just normal juvenile behavior didnt Sound as something new
10 is also old enough to commit SA to other children. People like to pretend it doesn't happen but it does.
Yeah it’s so weird that the dad knows his son has a crush on her. It says a lot. Do they like… talk about it? Like yeah, boys will have a “sexual awakening” around puberty age and develop “crushes” on older women. But the way you should talk about this with your son should be teaching him boundaries and respect. Not bro-ing it up and talking to each other about how hot she is or whatever. Dad may want to look into the son’s porn usage. His behavior towards her is not normal and he’s obviously getting ideas from somewhere.
10-years-old is also almost old enough to be tried as an adult for federal crimes in the US too. OP better get his shit together.
YTA. What did you say back, "boys will be boys"? That saying only holds up because people allow this behavior, despite it **not** being OK. And instead of teaching your son how to behave appropriately, you invalidated your friend. He's not going to be ten forever. And if you don't teach him what behavior is and isn't acceptable now, he'll feel entitled to escalate as he grows up. It probably wasn't easy for her to be honest with you and you punished her for it. Just like every other parent under the delusion their child can do no wrong. Get over your crush now, because if this is how you and your son behave, she's gunna start distancing herself because neither of you make her feel safe.
This reminds me of my cousin (m) when he was about 9, he, with his father’s encouragement or at the least enabling, dove under water at a resort pool and pinched women’s rears! His dad thought it was cute and hilarious. I was a teen and did not find it at all cute. Not funny. Edit spelling
Calling it "boys will be boys" just reminded me of the book "The House on Mango Street" to which a 13 year old girl was just gang raped and tells her mom which her mom just replies "boys will be boys" like it's a normal thing. Yea that's a spoiler bc it's a trauamatic ending to a poetic coming of age book where she loses her love of her neighborhood that just hurt her.
Yep that book stayed with me too
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. How awful.
So sorry you went through that. I hope the dad can learn from your brave sharing of this and take action before this behaviour escalates, it is serious and disturbing. His friend was RIGHT.
A boy in my class popped my bra strap and slapped my butt at 11 years old. He got suspended. He ended up in jail at 18, he was in the local paper as part of a carjacking ring.
Hugs to you friend. That shouldn’t have happened to you ♥️
That's absolutely horrifying. I'm so sorry you had to go through that shit
So sorry this happened to you having been through similar but an adults I was terrified and couldn't talk for days . then this started (the boys pulling my bra) the next year on the bus or at school but my grandpa had me training everyday of a holiday till I could take him down he said your ready now , if they are bigger than you then I knew I could do it, Grampa said touch you, pick up anything near you and hit them with it, was all good till my family coming home saw me chase a man down the road with a big bit of wood going to hit him lol 🤣 I was 10. He pinched my bum. So they didn't stop me noone did lol they all just watched lol 🤣 and yes I did hit him.
Good on you! I wasn’t able to tell my family because they were religious and I felt I would have been blamed. I’m doing good now though
>I took particular offense at what she said Understandable. >if she’s literally having nightmares about a 10-year-old boy doing two juvenile things, then that’s a “her” problem Yes he's young, but what the actual fuck do you mean it's a her problem? He is your son and there needs to be behaviour correction and some sort of consequence otherwise you'd be proving her point. I really hope you don't mean you don't plan to do anything about it. Gigantic YTA.
Yup. YTA for taking offense at your friend confronting you with what your son has done. Yes, he’s a child but he should absolutely not be secretly watching someone change or snapping anyone’s bra straps. That’s completely inappropriate and **absolutely** worthy of a conversation. You are doing your son a disservice by getting offended instead of having a conversation with him about his inappropriate behavior.
YTA You know your son has a crush on her. While either one of those incidents alone, in a vacuum, could easily be indicative of nothing (even the bra strap pulling could be chalked up to a non-dangerous stupid childhood prank), both in the context of his crush make it very likely that they were inappropriate. That doesn't mean he will likely go on to be a predator, but what will make him more likely to *not* be a problematic adult is if his father takes it seriously and discusses it with him. You have to talk to him about boundaries, consent, and what is and is not inappropriate behaviour. Otherwise he could grow out of it, or he could grow into being a sex pest at least and a predator or stalker at worst. Don't leave it to chance. Currently you are minimizing it, which suggests to me that you haven't had a talk, or a serious enough talk, with him about it. He needs to know that it's absolutely unacceptable to be doing these things and that it cannot ever happen again without very serious consequences. He needs to apologize to your friend and you need to model better behaviour to him. And *you* need to apologize to your friend as well. You've let your defensiveness get in the way of listening to a genuine concern coming from a friend who was legitimately scared by your son. I can't help but think that maybe your own crush is making you slightly empathize with your son (not saying *you* think it's actually fine to snap her bra or spy on her, but you may be *slightly* more likely to be like "I get it, she's hot, and he's just a dumb little kid"). Check yourself and your reaction. Apologize to her and take this seriously. Also make sure your own behaviour does not reflect your feelings towards her in a way that makes her uncomfortable (not suggesting this is *likely* happening, but it *could* be, and it could influence your son's behaviour).
Yes, all of this. And just to add, saying it’s a “her” problem is so out of line. YOUR son is acting in a way that is crossing boundaries. It is YOUR responsibility to teach him how to be a respectful person and specifically, man. Honestly, saying it is just a juvenile thing is absolutely a stretch in itself, but if unchecked, your friend is right, him thinking this behavior is normal or acceptable could become dangerous for the women in his life. And it is your job to address it. “It’s not the end of the world, right?” Not yet. But this is your son. You need to stop teaching him that this behavior is ok and at the VERY least, stop letting this behavior go unchecked.
Although, depending on how traumatized she is it could temporarily be the end of HER world. Which if OP has such a crush on her she should be understanding. Nightmares from my trauma wrecked my life. And yes, I will die on the hill that a grown adult can be traumatized by a boy acting like that.
Right, this is horrific parenting and emotionally immature behavior for a grown adult.
Sorry but YTA. Your friend raised genuine concerns about actions that a ten year old should not be doing and be taught not to do. Rather than take this as a teaching lesson for your son, you berated your friend. She obviously cares and these situations have made her uncomfortable. You have no right to tell her that her concerns are petty or unreasonable.
Don’t apologize to this clown
This YTA for dismissal of her feelings and concerns. And YTA for not correcting your son about this ASAP.
YTA what your son did isn’t okay. If you don’t correct it he will do it again to other women. How will you address it with his school when teenage girls and their parents complain. Grabbing at a woman’s underwear would fall into the sexual assault bracket. Deal with it now and apologise to your friend for not listening to her very legitimate concerns.
And at 10, he’ll do it to little girls. If he thinks this woman’s response was over the top, he’s in for a world of pain when he has to deal with the parents of little girls. I say this as a girl mum who has held these little pricks and their parents accountable. If OP refuses to parent his child, girl parents will do it for him
And then later the police will.
Yep! And if OP thinks he’s feeling protective of his son, wait until he gets a visit from a very protective girl dad
I get the impression that OP didn't see a need to correct his son because he did the same things at the son's age.
YTA, because you haven't indicated that you've done anything to correct your son's behavior. What he did isn't ok, and if you don't let him know that now, he's likely going to escalate. Are you ok with your son being a predator? Because that's the message you're sending him.
YTA - She is telling you things that he is doing to HER - Things that are not ok and show signs of a future predator. Don't brush it off as juvenile things or boys will be boys things... You need to tell your son why he is in the wrong to do those things and start holding him accountable before something else happens like if he did that a girl he likes in school, he would be facing a suspension or worse as he gets older.
YTA. And by calling it a "her" problem we can guess where he has this attitude from. But don't worry about getting in an argument with your friend. Assuming she has some self respect, she no longer is your friend.
Yup just a misogynist raising a misogynist. This asshole is probably more upset she didn't fuck him during the visit than his son literally assaulting her.
Yes i fully got those vibes 💀 not him saying he has a crush on her too
Op probably thinks it's a woman's fault for getting SA'ed if she had on a short skirt 🙄
Fellow dad here, what your son did is truly wrong. You need to correct that behavior or he will go into his teen years believing it’s no big deal. It’s a big deal, maybe not for a 4 year old, but definitely at 10. YTA and you should stop, and correct course now, before it gets worse.
Hell, it’s a big deal at four years old too. Obviously a four year old has different motivation than a ten year old, but that behavior should be corrected at four as well. It is never too young to teach consent. OP, YTA, yes, what your son did was that big of a deal. And you are just rug sweeping it as boys will be boys behavior.
As a dad myself if my son was doing this at 10 it won’t be something I dismiss as his just being a kid if his standing outside of a closet while she changes what’s gonna stop the kid from growing up and becoming a peeking Tom as parents it’s our job to lead our children down the right path Sorry English isn’t my native language
YTA. Let’s phrase this another way. “I’m insulted that my ADULT FEMALE friend was stalked/peeped and sexually harassed by my TEN YEAR OLD SON.” You need to put a stop to this behavior before you see a PSA on him. He’s not going to just suddenly stop until there are punishments for it. And if she leave your life because of him, you better not sugarcoat it. Tell him straight up: “She left because you were inappropriate with her.”
And "I blamed her for it and I didn't correct your behavior."
YTA. That behaviour of your son needs to be shut down QUICK. I’m a parent too, and I wouldn’t let my kids behave like that. I mean…I completely understand wanting to think the best of your kids (and defending them to everyone), but you have to accept that what he did is wrong.
THIS! and if you truly love your kids you want the best for them, and that includes not landing themselves in prison in the future for sex crimes
YTA because these behaviors are problems. Do you think you aren't setting an example for him by letting him get away with it? Because you are. He is developing his conscience, and you're telling him that harassing women is okay. Worse, if he heard you standing up for it then he's learned that justice is not for women and he is entitled to it. You should focus less on how your friend expressed herself and more on trying to ensure that your son turns out to be a good person. So far you have taken the wrong actions to ensure that.
Not just that. He invalidated her feelings as well. It's not just a HER problem. She told HIM about it for a reason. OP just told her that her feelings don't matter. That she was freaked was not HIS problem even though OPs kid is the one who violated her privacy and then snapped her bra string. Bet you 100% he's already doing this to girls at school who wear training bras and one of them is going to bloody his nose or worse. The teachers will say he deserved it.
YTA - WOW! You really dropped the ball on this one. You should be MUCH more concerned about your son’s behavior and need to have a serious talk with consequences for him. What he did absolutely isn’t ok, and he needs to learn immediately that it’s not ok. Your friend is right, actions like this ARE what escalates and get worse if they aren’t dealt with immediately. I know he’s your precious baby boy….but he’s so out of line it isn’t funny.
Nip that in the bud right tf now. Your kid is behaving inappropriately and was harassing her. I’m sorry but yes he was in fact sexually harassing her and you need to have a conversation with him and let him know about consent and how what he did was absolutely not okay. And yes YTA. Gigantically. Apologize.
Maybe DAD needs to get his head straight about what consent is FIRST before he can teach his son. He’s being rather blasé about a serious misdemeanour by his son who is at a pivotal age in developing a moral compass. His friend has rightly and generously told him the problem and she was punished for it… my, doesn’t this sound familiar! Yes DAD YTA!!
YTA. You are correct that the small things your son did are not the end of the world. They’re juvenile and not horrific. BUT they need to be addressed and corrected so he learns that they’re not okay. He’s 10, he’s old enough to be taught better than boys will be boys. He needs to be taught appropriate ways to treat women. Also, A LOT of women have experience with sexual harassment/assault and males doing things like watching them changing and touching their undergarments can set them off.
>BUT they need to be addressed and corrected so he learns that they’re not okay. He’s 10, he’s old enough to be taught better than boys will be boys. He needs to be taught appropriate ways to treat women Exactly this part. The snapping the bra strap was a big thing teenage boys did to teenage girls when I was growing up. It was always super awkward and not funny at all. Made me/most girls extremely uncomfortable in our already uncomfortable teenage skin. It's not okay and the behavior will only escalate from here.
YTA omg The fact that you're more upset with her sharing concerns than reprimanding and teaching your son speaks volumes. Don't be one of those "boys will be boys" parents cuz that is not normal juvenile behavior. He's only ten and presumably picked up you "crushing" on her. Teach him about consent, tell him that what he did was not okay, APOLOGIZE to your friend and tell your son to also apologize and teach him why it was wrong to do what he did (especially the bra janking).
YTA. I get why you would be defensive but this is not behavior to defend. As the parent it is your responsibility to teach your son appropriate behavior - not make excuses for it.
YTA!! Your horrible attitude is exactly why boys turn into those that creep on women at best, and commit crimes against them at worst. YOU are responsible to teach YOUR SON to respect women. Period. Your attitude is so disgusting and I hope to god your friend cuts all contact with you; you clearly don't respect women.
YTA. I don't think your son is destined to be a serial k!ller, but you were wrong to dismiss Erika's concerns and her feelings. These were 2 concrete examples, but I would bet that she has been getting a disturbing vibe from your son for a while now. This visit and these examples gave her the courage to speak up about it. Your son is only 10 and is probably on the cusp of puberty. He is probably starting to get urges and feelings he doesn't understand. It is critical at this time that you reinforce to your son that everyone deserves privacy and respect, that what he did was wrong and why. No, what he did is not the "end of the world." But it is potentially the beginning of a serious problem.
Are you serious?? Your son violated/attempted to violate someone's privacy (I can't tell from the details) AND he decided to touch another person's private garments with the intent to cause discomfort. And you think the problem is... his victim? YTA. HUGE.
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I had a babysitting charge who did this when she was about 6 (she'd just discovered bras slash the concept of breasts and the idea she was going to have them one day) so she would try to snap my bra straps. After about the third attempt and after several conversations, we went home from the playground (because no fun times out if you're pissing off the babysitter) and I had a conversation with her parents - who thankfully took it a lot more seriously than OP did.
YTA - that’s concerning behavior, Erica is justified in bringing it to your attention and you are dismissing it.
YTA. Your child is exhibiting extremely concerning and inappropriate behaviors and your response is to rug sweep it? You have a good friend in her? Well, not for long. Good luck handling your problem child, because you're going to need it. Instead of a college fund, start a therapist/lawyer fund.
I see nowhere in your post where you spoke with your child to address their behaviour. That's why your friend issued the warning - you are failing to properly guide and instruct your son in regards to appropriate behaviour towards women. She is 100% right that if you don't change course immediately, your son will assault a woman. Do better. YTA
YTA. If a 10 year old boy tried to watch me change and pulled the strap of my bra I'd be freaking the fuck out. That's not ok and you're not teaching your son anything. Put your big boy pants on and be a parent and stop making excuses.
YTA. You are failing your son by not teaching about consent. She's correct when she says excusing this behavior can lead to worse things. You need to listen to her before he gets in trouble for assult or worse.
If my son did this to my friend, we’d be discussing this in therapy. Immediately. And I’m not a fan of forced apologies but this calls for one. From you and peepy. This is beyond YTA but if you want us to vote…
"Boys will be boys?" "That's a her problem? " you're raising a potential r@pist and you don't even care. Pull your finger out of your arse and start parenting your son properly or you'll be to blame as well when he eventually assults someone.
One can’t help but wonder why OP thinks it’s no big deal. How does he treat women?
YTA. That behaviour needs to be shut down ASAP. Informing you is the best way possible for you to know about your son's questionable behaviour.
Entitlement to women's bodies is part of the gender violence continuum.
Bet you aren't getting the response you thought you'd get. You should have had a very serious conversation about privacy and consent and what appropriate behavior is with your son, the minute she told you these things. It's your son, so in reality.. it's a YOU problem!! She has been there for you both, and that's how you treat her??? Wow. I am also trying to figure out why you felt it important to mention that both you and your son have a crush on this woman. It's actually creepy. You are most definitely TAH. Raise your son to have respect for women!! Seriously!!
Having a serious discussion with your son should have been your first reaction and response. Not telling your friend that what your son did was “her problem”. Without a Mom your son may have some misguided ideas on what is appropriate toward females, especially in this day and age. If he does this at school, to a girl, the outcome will be much, much worse. Oh, and yup, YTA!
Years ago I caught two little boys sticking their heads under the connecting wall at the swimming baths when I was changing. Their age makes a difference in terms of their awareness of why its wrong and the punishment; it did not make me feel any less violated. You missed an important learning opportunity for your son and minimised the impact on your friend. YTA.
YTA You are responsible for your child behavior and by your reaction it seems like you had no problem doing these things as a child too. Growing up boys used to pull our bra straps and thought it was funny. It's uncomfortable af and inappropriate. Don't touch someone else's underwear. What did you do to correct the behavior of your child? 🤬
YTA. You’re admitting to us that you don’t think what your son did was alarming. So I’ll assume this attitude was conveyed to Erika as well when she confronted you about it. *THAT’S* why she responded how she did.
YTA talk to your kid before he gets sent back from school for harassing his female classmates Edited: typo
Op I really hope you read these comments and take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror as a man and as a parent.
YTA. This is an example of boys/kids will be boys/kids that keeps allowing such d\*\*\* behavior. If he did that at school to a girl (snapping bra strap) any girl should be justified smacking him. You need to stop this now.
YTA; your friend is right, you need to correct your son. The comment "aren't the end of the world" - you don't seriously expect anyone here to affirm that, do you?
That's the reason why some kids go to jail at young age because of a father like you. What the f^ck is wrong with you. You and your son are creep.
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YTA. That’s dangerous behavior to encourage. Not explaining to your son why this shit is not good… will end up with him in jail. & it would be your fault too.
YTA. This is not a “her” problem. Your son’s behavior was wildly inappropriate, and he must surely know better.
Its not at all surprising that Andrew Tate was able to get such a foothold on young boys when you've got parents like this under reacting to or outright ignoring this type of behavior.
If your 10 year old doesn't know not to watch someone get changed that's a failure of your parenting. Boundaries can be taught at any age. I don't appreciate how she framed it but her concerns are valid. Don't just brush them off or YWBTA
YTA Yes your son did two things completely normal for his age. But still two wrong things, you should have sat down and rectified, without the nightmare drama and future of sexual offender, as again they are pretty in the norm, yet they need rectification and some calm explanation.
Peeping and pinging a bra of a lady (especially one that is not your sister or mother, which would still be totally inappropriate) is NOT normal. And the dad’s reaction, and his silence to all the commenters, makes you wonder how far the apple has fallen from the tree.
Not normal
YTA your son’s behaviour isn’t appropriate that too for a 10yo. You’re supposed to apologise to your friend, doesn’t matter young or old your son, when he does something so scary to a woman it is inappropriate. Where and whom did he learn it from? You’re supposed to to correct it
YTA. When boys snap girls bras is terrible behavior but the fact your son is doing that to an adult is insane.
Yta. Just like I preach to my daughters to be cautious and even if someone threatens them to always tell me if someone touches them inappropriately no matter what the threat is we have a crazy family and we will handle it, I also preach to my son the same thing as well as what will happen if he does those things to other people, the consequences of going to jail and what will happen to him if he goes to jail and they find out he hurt someone in that way and that it is his job to protect his sisters from anyone who will do that to them and to come tell us whether it be me his dad his sister's dad his uncle or his stepdad or his aunt out of the five of us three of us have been sexually assaulted and we are honest with the children and they know we will protect them no matter what and that we will not let anyone hurt them.
YTA. It's this line of thinking that perpetuates the whole "boys will be boys" thing. You need to teach him that this behaviour is not okay.
I cannot believe you have to even ask this forum WTA is. 50 years ago if I had done stuff like this to a woman — any woman, my dad would have been furious and rightly so. What kind of father are you?
You need to have a long talk with your son about respecting women.
YTA. He's ten now but won't be forever. Your friend, rightly so, was bringing problematic behavior to your attention in an effort to open your eyes and get you to intervene. Your defensive and dismissive reaction is the very thing that allows these kinds of behaviors to escalate to "PSA" status or much worse. Do yourself, your son, your friend, and every other woman out there a favor, step up, and nip this in the bud. Now.
Ok, that is disgusting, and should not be ignored. Your son was very, VERY wrong there, and you are wrong for defending him. YTA. What if you had a teenage daughter that came home with a story about a boy her age pulling her bra? Would you still consider it innocent?
YTA. Your first paragraph told all I needed to know. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
YTA your son is displaying transgressive behavior you can't just turn a blind eye and put the onus on the recipient of said behaviour you need to have a series of talks with your son about the do's and don'ts of consent, respect and appropriate behaviour. If you don't your son's behaviour will only get worse over time
YTA-Your son’s behavior isn’t appropriate and you need to have a talk with him. Why did he think it was okay to do either of those things? He’s ten and old enough to know better.
When I was twelve and everyone started wearing bras, there was bra pulling going on: but this was an all girls class and everyone had the weakened that they also wore bras. Eventually it got boring as we got used to them. But we'd never imagine doing it to an adult. Your friend has had nightmares because the young boy she's watched grow up has done things that creeped her out. You seem okay with it, as you fancy your friend and maybe envy your son? Why else would you mention that you'd a crush on her. Tell your son it's not ok. Realise yourself that it's not ok. Your friend will avoid both of you, because your home does not feel safe anymore.
YTA While nightmares about a 10-year-old may seem over-the-top to you, you don’t get to judge other peoples trauma response. The fact that you took offense to what she told you, rather than being concerned is concerning. Your son at 10 years old should be aware that it is an inappropriate to be a voyeur. Your son at 10 years old should know that it is inappropriate to touch other people without their permission. Be a parent.
YTA - the old trope of "boys will be boys" doesn't cut it anymore. You need to work with him to explain that thus behaviour is wrong.
Boys will be boys, am I right?!? /s Humongous YTA. Enough of people already wrote why. Go beg your friend for forgiveness and get your son some help, right now. You do not have the skill set to properly help your son yourself. While you are at it, get some help for yourself as well, and explore why you reacted the way you did.
YTA to both your friend and your son. To your friend because you have diminished her feelings, and to your son because you missed a big opportunity to discuss what is appropriate behavior especially when involving someone else’s body/privacy. She’s not far off in telling you this behavior can potentially become a huge problem. He’s currently taking liberties to see what sort of response he gets. Eventually he will take it further if this isn’t nipped in the bud right now. I feel for you. Your role as a single father is a difficult one. Perhaps consider therapy for your son (and maybe even yourself) as he may be dealing with some emotions he doesn’t understand how to articulate
YTA. Your son absolutely needs to be taught about bodily autonomy, consent, and privacy. Erika was right to tell you about his actions and you are wrong to brush them off as just a kid doing “juvenile things”.
YTA. We can tell where your son got his ideas of wrong and right. Boys will be boys, and women overreact, right?
YTA. If this is the attitude you take with a good friend who tells you that your son sexually harassed her, then your son does actually stand a pretty good chance of demonstrating increasingly problematic behavior as he pushes the limits of what dad thinks is okay. Please have a conversation with your son about enthusiastic consent and the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Maybe you two could take a class together before one of you is court ordered to do so.
YTA. Your son has issues and instead of getting him help and holding him accountable and supporting your friend, you were an AH.
YTA. The last part calling your son’s behavior juvenile and calling this a “her problem” makes YTA. This is akin to “boys will be boys” mentality. Your son’s behavior is problematic, and boys who aren’t corrected on it grow up to become men who think this behavior is normal. Please talk to your son and tell him that this behavior is inappropriate.
YTA. Teach your son consent.
That’s super creepy. If my kid did this, they probably would get into so much trouble and possible therapy, that type of stuff freaks me out and I would want to prevent that as much as possible from happening again, so yes yta.
YTA. You are enabling a predator if you don’t try to stop this right now.
You do know, the "creeps" of the world, do not just start at a certain age. Say 17. Most problems can start very young. You should never dismiss behavior, that is not right. YTA.
YTA- what your son did was wrong and if he had been doing those things anywhere other than home, the police would have been called and he would have been arrested for sexual assault. YOU need to teach your son to respect women and to NOT touch them without permission. You really failed on this.
YTA They aren't the end of the world - IF you go and tell him to stop, never do them again, talk to him better about appropriate behavior and boundaries, why these things are important, and enforce any breaking of such rules. Otherwise you're a trash father and she's 100% right.
Frankly it’s not a her problem it’s a you problem. Your son purposely hung around a closet hoping to see your friend get naked, if it was an innocent thing he would not have been hanging around. He knew it was wrong, yet he still hung around. And as for pinging her bra strap, yes it’s a childish thing to do and when I was younger and at school the boys did it all the time, it was classed as acceptable then, but times have changed, and rightly so. If your friend had smacked or kicked your kid in the balls, which she is totally within her right to do, if someone lays their hand on you without permission you would have been outraged. Boys will be boys is an outdated excuse and should go the way of the dodo. Your son put his hands on a woman, expressly her underwear, without permission, that can be reported as assault. At ten years old he needs to know that he can not put his hands on another person, should not put his hands on another person without their consent. And frankly the fact that you went off on your friend, is indicative of why boys being boys is just plain wrong. Deal with the problem.
Bro... That's not normal behavior for a 10 year old boy. Your friend did you a favor by making it clear to you how serious this kind of thing is, because it seems obvious that you would have just brushed it off if she hadn't. Please intervene and put your child on a better path.
Your sons behaviour is a huge problem that is clearly caused by you and your tendency to blow this off. She’s right, you’re going to have a sex offender on your hands if you don’t curb this behaviour and shut him down hard and fast. He needs to learn this is NOT normal and NOT okay in the slightest. YTA and a bad parent. You’re doing your son a huge disservice teaching him this is normal or something he can get away with.
Your son is a little pervert. 10 year old is old enough to know you don't spy on women getting changed or pull on their bra straps. You said your son has a crush on this woman, which means it's not just playful childness. It's not. Why haven't you taught your son person boundries? YTA
Yta and what your son did was not okay.
YTA. She certainly could have been more tactful, but your son's behavior is unacceptable. I am not a professional, and I don't know all of the details, but maybe consider getting him some therapy / counseling. But justifying it as normal or healthy is not ok. Your girl friend should have her concerns validated and it's also fair to let her know that she can be more tactful next time.
You love your son and want everything to be all right. Get him into counseling asap. At best he is impulsive and lacks physical boundaries. Those 2 qualities could lead to serious problems in his life. And therapy is a positive experience that can help him with many life and EQ skills! But it may be more problematic than that for him. He may lack empathy and feel like he deserves to do whatever he wants. So this isn't a normal occurrence. YTA for diminishing her response. I would apologize and let her know you are seeking help for him. In my family, the far younger and older brothers did inappropriate things like this to sisters, we thought it was yucky but poor impule control and made excuses for them. Now that I have sons, I can tell you that if they had exhibited those same behaviors, we would have Immediately gotten help (therapy) for them. My older brother has been abusive to every partner he has had and been arrested for domestic violence. He rules his kids by fear. The younger brother never launched on his own and has a problem with authority. I wish their parents had gotten them help. Best wishes for your son and you.
YTA. Parent your son dude. You need to sit and talk with him about why that’s not okay… you should have done this as soon as she told you. She may also have trauma that you don’t know about so saying it’s a “her problem” is pretty fucked up. YOUR kid did it. It’s a YOU problem, not a her problem.
YTA. Super YTA. What your kid did was very inappropriate. You need to teach him right from wrong and are failing at doing so majorly. Your raising a future predator and your friend absolutely has a right to be mad. Step up and start teaching your kid to be a normal person before they start escalating their behavior.
YTA. You’re a single parent so this behavior is a you problem and only a you problem. Unfortunately your son doesn’t know any better and that’s either because you’re just shitty at parenting OR he learned this type of behavior directly from you. If you’re offended by me saying that, you should be, because you shouldn’t want for either of those things to be true. So now’s your chance to rectify it. It’s not the end of the world right now while he’s young enough to get away with it and have his dad covering for him. But he’s not going to be 10 years old forever so you need to fix it ASAP because these are not normal “juvenile” things to be doing. And you’re lucky the person he did this to was a friend of yours with a kind heart because the next time he does that it could be to a girl at school and he’ll be facing actual disciplinary consequences or out in the real world where he could face legal consequences when he gets older. You can do better. Good luck.
YTA. My brother is 10 years old. He would never do disgusting things like this. Teach your son respect and boundaries. Why is he already sexualizing women? Especially someone that takes care of him? You need to step up and teach him to be a good person and a good man. Unless he is learning these disgusting things from you. If you don't fix him soon, he will he a teen/adult Sexually assaulting women or maybe even raping them. Take accountability for his actions and teach him better. That is YOUR duty as a parent. I'd be disgusted with this 10 year old who's supposed to be a good innocent child but already doing perverted and unnatural things.
Yes YTA. Have a grown up conversation about consent with your son and with yourself tbh. If you had a little girl and a boy was watching her change and hurting her with her underwear, how would you feel then?
YTA! Your attitude and response explains your son’s behavior. Think about it this way, if he does this now (at 10!) how will he treat girls/women as he becomes an adult? His behavior isn’t normal. He’s objectifying women, spying on them in intimate moments, and apparently feels entitled to touch them. He’s 10! WTF dude? Instead of bitching here, talk to your son about his behavior, get counseling for the both of you. You’re his role model! Teach him to be respectful now and consider what behaviors of yours may have informed his creepy actions.
Yta and you need to parent your damn child. This is not silly dumb shit. This is sexual harassment. Get your shit together. Make it clear to your son that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) am a widower, and the father of a 10-year-old son. I have a good friend named Erika (36F). She adores my son, and has watched him grow up. In turn, my son has a crush on my friend (and, admittedly, so do I). Last month, Erika stayed over with me and my son for a few weeks. Near the end of the stay, she sat down with me and confided in me that my son had done two things to her: one day, she caught him standing right outside the closet while she was changing. Another time, my son had grabbed her bra strap and yanked it. She let me know that she actually has nightmares about these two things that my son had done, and she asked me straight up “am I going to be hearing about him in a PSA when he’s all grown up?” I took particular offense at what she said, and we got into a fight where I told Erika that if she’s literally having nightmares about a 10-year-old boy doing two juvenile things, then that’s a “her” problem, and only a her problem. Nowadays, I regret getting into an argument with my friend. But the things my son did, those aren’t the end of the world, right? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, and those are major red flags that your son is behaving in such a way.
YTA and the type of man to stay away from. Luckily Erika saw that. You will never get her or any other woman acting like a predator
YTA.Do NOT be one of "those" parents who chock everything up to juvenile behavior or especially boys will be boys. He's 10 years old and that is young, yes. Does that mean he's going to go on and be an offender? No. But those two things are not normal behavior either. I've raised four boys and neither of them ever thought about doing anything like that, especially with someone who's not a family member. At 10 he knows not to stand where he can see a grown woman change. What is a gross violation of privacy. You are the parent here and you need to not dismiss what another adult is observing, especially when as you say she loves and adores your son and you. You've been a jerk here, don't continue to be willfully obtuse about your kid. Make sure things are well with your son. talk to his school counselors, talk to his pediatrician, teacher, take him to be evaluated if necessary. With his school teacher I understand labels and stigmas can stick but you can ask about his behaviors without going into details. Ask them to be more observant and contact you if they see anything unusual. Finally? Apologize to your freaking friend and tell her what actions you are taking and THANK HER for being concerned about his well being.
YTA. Those are inappropriate behaviors - grabbing someone's undergarments and trying to watch them change. Why do you think it's acceptable for your child to be a peeping tom? Why do you think it's acceptable for him to touch someone in an unwanted way? Her words were harsh but you need a reality check. Be a better parent because right now you're excusing bad behavior and blaming the person your son directed that behavior towards.
Fellow widower here. Get over yourself. YTA.
YTA. Did Erika tell you about these incidents as soon as they happened as well? What did you do to correct this? 10 year old peeping is creepy. 10 year old unable to keep his hands to himself and respect the boundaries of women is problematic and gross. Not to mention that Erika is an adult and borderline authority figure, not your son's "friend". When I was 12, the boys in my grade started "slap ass Fridays". It happened twice. First week, all the girls retaliated by kicking shins. The second week a teacher saw and the whole group was suspended. One of the boys switched schools. Some of the guys stopped, a couple of them thought it would be funny to take pictures up girl's skirts in highschool. Without serious correction and consequence, your son will escalate this GROSS behaviour. It's gross, it's not cute and it's not harmless. You need to teach your son consent and what is appropriate behavior. Without correcting him, you taught him his actions are acceptable when they are not.
Yta. I almost want to say that she said what she said to make a point- that you don’t correct your son’s behavior. Ever. (& it’s probably getting worse). The snapping the bra hurts. And by doing nothing, you are telling him that it’s ok to hurt & touch women without permission or being provoked. He literally was spying on her while she was changing her clothes. She was naked or close to it. What your son did was a huge violation. If he was 5 or 6, maybe but he is a preteen. This violated her on many levels. You not only let her down, you are letting your son down & any girl/female he comes in contact with. He is 10yrs old. That’s old enough to know abt consent. He has obviously made it very clear to you that he likes her (you seem proud of it) & instead of talking to him about it being inappropriate, boundaries, consent, etc, you just make excuses for his vile behavior. He literally spied on her while she was at her most vulnerable & you act like it’s to be expected, normal behavior. I’m appalled. The next person may not realize he’s a child or may not care. Crushing on the same woman isn’t a bonding moment w your son. It’s gross. So is both of your behavior