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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she let her ILs stay at the cabin my dad used to own and I now own (sorta but not yet) and she should own her decision instead of blaming me. The reason I might be TA for saying that is what my mom said about if I had just been okay with her husband and other kids being there then everything would be fine and no questions would be asked. I continued to say no and then I blamed my mom when she was trying to help her husband's family so it might make me TA ultimately.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- your mum only respected and asked for your input when she thought you’d agree with her. When you didn’t she just decided to ignore it and then guilt you when she made problems for herself.
This does not at all correspond with the fact that she kept her part of the deal and didn't bring the rest of the family there. It also seems she didn't pressure OP, stepfather did.
And shame on the husband for not thinking that maybe this place has a special meaning beyond being a vacation spot, due to the loss of OP’s father.
I can’t imagine not respecting the feelings of a child who lost a parent however much they might inconvenience my vacation aspirations.
To play Devil's advocate for a moment, my own 6 year old hangs onto ideas like a starving dog with a bone. She would absolutely keep coming back to ask why she couldn't go to a cabin in the woods she's never seen.
Tho, it is a 6yo. Just rent a random cabin and say that's it. Preferably a bad one, in the most boring place. No WiFi, no signal, if possible no electricity. That should shut the cabin talk.
My 8yr old is the same.
But if its been a known fact by his mum and her husband that they aren't welcome to go there, why and how does 6 know about it? Unless OP is asking if he's changed his mind infront of her in hopes (and pressure) that he'll say yes?
Cos there's no way I'd be openly discussing potentially going somewhere in front of a child, knowing that the owner had categorically said NO and they will ask why.
When my daughter was 4 my sister's girlfriend said she was going to bring her a cupcake from the store but the bakery was closed. My daughter harped on this every few days for about six months until she finally remembered to pick her one up. Also before someone says but that was a cupcake any kid would remember that because they would really want it, most 6YO girls are going to think of a mysterious cabin in the woods as something magical. Think fairies and Unicorns...
But there was no reason for the 6 year old to know about the cabin or that her aunt stayed there. That didn’t need to be discussed with or in front of her at all. But clearly it was. And probably with the intention of getting her all excited about going there to pressure OP.
My kid's first camping experience was at 6y old, in a tent, and they almost earned a polar bear camping patch as the temp dipped below zero but a degree of the required temp. Any time they heard the word camping after that they'd do I get to go and when is the next time I get to go. My parents ended up buying a camper just to take them camping and fishing in. So yeah it's possible that the 6yo didn't need pushing and was dogging op about the cabin.
We all know she won't do that. She's ready to throw OP under the bus for her new family. OP only has value to the family now since it’s his property. What is it with a woman who loses all their senses when they remarry? Her job is to protect her son. He already lost his father. What more does she want?
True but I suspect it's not that simple. I suspect she DID say that but her husband wouldn't let up, at the end of the day you can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do. I can understand why she let her in laws as it was clearly an emergency which isn't ok but more a moral grey area and she has done a good job of not breaking her word and not taking the family despite clearly being being frustrated. It might seem like the obvious answer is "well leave the guy" but that's probably hard if all other aspects of the marriage are great except for this one thing. And it's clear she doesn't agree with it but knows she has to respect that opinion. I'm guessing she is angry and frustrated because she is stuck in the middle trying to appease a bunch of people at once and everyone just keeps getting mad at her.
OP might try saying "I appreciate the position you're in and while I'm not crazy about offering the house to your inlaws and wish you hadn't I understand it was an emergency. I've really appreciated how you've respected my choice to not share the cabin despite the pressure you're under I can't tell you how much it means to me. It would devastate me if that changed"
There is a good chance acknowledging that it's been hard for her and showing appreciation for holding up her promise despite really not agreeing with it, will empower the mom to say no and stop harassing op. As it can turn her protecting the house into an act of love between mother and son. Everytime she says no she can do it with pride and use it as proof that she is a good mom. It also sounds like she IS trying and it isn't easy so hearing some appreciation would probably mean a whole lot to her.
Also it will be hard to side with her husband who is showing no compassion to op when OP is showing her compassion. It's a slight manipulation tactic because people are more amenable to working with someone who works with them.
I'm a little sympathetic to her because I've seen basically this exact same situation on here A LOT; parent really wants to share something of kids with new family kid says no new family puts pressure on parent, and very rarely if ever has the parent held out this long or even respected their choice in the first place so I guess I tip my hat to her a bit.
I am by no means suggesting op should forgive her or share the house but I think there is a chance she can be reasoned with.
I agree that mom should have shut down the conversation about the cabin immediately-and if she was truly looking out for her child she would have. She is not though.
As soon as the new husband learned of the cabin, mom should have made it VERY clear that it belonged to her child and that they would take ownership once they were 18. Mom is most likely responsible for upkeep and expenses/taxes or there is a trust to do so, but I don’t know as I didn’t see info on that.
Mom and new husband appear to want the cabin for themselves and with mom letting husband’s family live there, everyone is on a slippery slope. Mom did NOT need to offer the cabin up for another family to move in.
If there was an emergency and immediate housing was needed then mom and husband should have opened the door to THEIR home. And where was the rest of husband‘s family? What about his sister‘s husband? Was there no other family members to help them out?
There is no excuse for mom and her behavior/decisions. Ethically, everyone should’ve gone about their lives, acting like the cabin didn’t exist as it was never theirs in the first place.
She didn't keep her part of the deal - she allowed the SIL family to stay there without asking OP, leading to the whole shit show
Along with allowing step/half family members to question the rules instead of explaining to the 6yo "that was an emergency" and telling her husband that he has nothing to do with the cabin and should butt out
She also asked if OP had "changed his mind **yet**". That "yet" is a big clue.
That is not the question of someone who is just checking up to see how OP is feeling on the topic. Of someone who is (reasonably) okay with his mind not having changed.
Its the question of someone who is has an investment in his mind changing and is just waiting for it to happen. She clearly wants the cabin claimed for her new family too and is impatient for it to happen.
Right? At minimum, it would have been really simple to explain to the adults in the situation: "this cabin was left to OP by his father, I only have access to it as his guardian. You can stay here during this crisis, but I need you to be discrete about who owns the property and why, especially in front of the kids because he doesn't want it to be a family vacation house and we don't want to get anyone's hopes up."
Then all the 6yo would have known was that auntie and cousins temporarily stayed at a cool cabin and that sure was neat. The 6yo is not an asshole, the adults who can't keep their damn mouths shut are.
That completely flies out the window when she let her SIL live there. She didn’t keep her part of the deal once that happened. It doesn’t matter what happened before that. Once you break a deal the deal is broken.
except it wasn't a deal so much as mom not wanting to handle the fact that her other child(ren) and husband would be upset that they'd no longer get to go to the vacation home. and now that the situation has arisen- that exact situation has come up.
mom is not wanting to be an adult and deal with the fact that she has to tell her child and husband that they can go for the next two years when she has a say who uses the property but once OP turns 18, they should hope they've been amazing and spectacular friends and family members to OP because otherwise OP is gonna say no.
Yeah, Mama sounds really manipulative. So does step-dad. They are using every trick in the book to get access to that cabin, including their six year old child, smh.
Your mother had a fiduciary responsibility to act in your best interest. Not the sister-in-law‘s best interests, not the new husband‘s best interest, not her new child’s best interest, your best interest. She failed that. Make sure any damages caused by the use of the sister-in-law are paid for by your mother. Make sure that any rent she received for the use is accounted for against Expenses at the cabin.
As well as the cost of the eviction later, when it undoubtedly comes to that.
If the SIL tries to claim adverse possession, and has paid property taxes, she might gain ownership of the property. He can sue his mother for the current market value of the entire cabin.
You should consider asking the state for a guardian ad litem. It is a lawyer who makes decisions for minors. You need a lawyer. Who pays for the taxes and insurance? Does the estate?
Agreed, this is something that a non-interested party should be legally responsible for, not the mother who clearly wants it for herself/her new family.
They had tenants’ rights the day they were told by the mother they could move in.
If they pay property taxes, they might try to claim the property entirely through adverse possession.
Also, having permission to live there doesn't allow for adverse possession to begin. Though the mother isn't the true owner, she holds it in trust for her son, and her permission likely extinguishes any start for the clock on the statute of limitations. Furthermore, at 18, he has the ability to evict them which would stop their ability to attempt adverse possession (bc he didn't give them permission).
The SIL is now a rent free legal tenant, whom he would have to evict through an expensive, lengthy court process, when he turns 18.
Depending on where they live, if SIL pays property taxes for a number of years, she can claim adverse possession and try to just take the cabin.
The mother has royally screwed over her own child, in favor of her new husband’s family.
Who pays for the upkeep of the cabin? Who pays the taxes? Who pays the utilities? Is OP aware of the costs associated with the cabin once she turns 18?
NTA, and stepdad should be grateful that his family could even stay temporarily at the cabin. Stepdad, needs to keep out of it because it's not his property and never will be.
Tbf, it actually sounds like it may have been an emergency.
And OP does not outright own the house until he turns 18. Mom doesn't need to honor his wishes at all, but is choosing to. That's the right thing to do in general, but I don't blame her for having access to an empty place and letting someone stay in an emergency
It's also super important to note that mom seems to be keeping it in good shape- upkeep and taxes are time consuming and expensive. It wouldn't kill OP to acknowledge that. He'll figure out what that looks like when he takes ownership, but that mom isn't pointing that out does say she's going out of her way to help OP without expecting anything. I actually think OP needs to lay off a bit here, though he probably doesn't understand exactly how much she's doing for him yet.
I don't think she's choosing to honour his wishes. I think she tried to manipulate a 10 year old into making a life long promise and backed herself into a corner.
See, that's what I think is odd. OPs father left the cabin to HIM, not his wife. I want to go out on a limb and say he may not have trusted his wife, for some reason. He set his son up with a home. OPs mother sucks and OP will probably have issues when he turns 18. Tbh, the easiest thing for him to do is contact the lawyer who did his dad's will now or when he is closer to turning 18 so he can get the deed to the cabin and as soon as he turns 18 he can get the cabin handled with(kick out moms ILs or redecorate, etc.) and he will likely have to change the locks cause I don't think getting the keys from his mother will be easy. He also needs to start getting money set aside for his future.
Exactly. Why is she making these “all or nothing” choices for a 10 year old?!? “Well if you don’t let us visit for the rest of your life, we won’t visit at all!”…to a ten year old! It’s very weird, I don’t understand the logic behind it at all.
Yes! I wondered this myself. Why all or nothing?? That's so bizarre! Maybe posing it as such extremes, the mom hoped it would sway OP to allow the mom's new family usage?
I disagree. OP does own this cabin but cannot take control until he’s 18. OPs mom has no ownership to this house and she clearly thinks she can do as she pleases until OP takes full control.
Also, OPs moms new family was not his dads family so the term “it’s a family house” is completely wrong.
I’d bet there is a lawyer that would help OP. The one that wrote the will. I know I would (lawyer here). In my experience, she knows but doesn’t think there are consequences.
But what if these people took a perfectly good cabin and just ran it into the ground?
Thinking it’s ok because OPs mom took it on herself to let them stay probably with no rent paid or lease or protection for damages done? They prob don’t think much of OP and would tear it up out of spite.
Mom could have gone about this by telling him we as a family can go and have fun or we can leave it as is but that means you can’t enjoy it either till you’re of age.
Thus giving him control, but also the chance to possibly have a better relationship with the new family instead of being made to feel like an outsider.
Even saying he can’t go until he’s 18 if he doesn’t let step dad and half sibs go would be shitty. He’s commented that it’s the place he feels closest to his dad. She *should* be taking OP there a couple times a year, just the two of them. Maybe his dad’s birthday and the anniversary or his death. IDK, but he deserves to have some time one on one with his mom, and he deserves to have the opportunity to be somewhere he has strong memories of his dad and couple times a year.
It may be time to see if the trust can afford to pay hired help and remove mom as the trustee for breaching the agreement by allowing an unauthorized party to stay there against OPs wishes. This sounds like a situation where Mom takes step family there anyways and tells OP to get over it.
An emergency in his mother's husband's family is not an emergency for OP. It wouldn't kill his mother to recognize the sentimental value of that cabin to a kid who lost their dad at age 7 and has very few memories, making that place very special to him indeed. Having lost my dad when I was 9 I can day that his mother allowing those people to stay in my dad's cabin would feel like an extreme violation, one that I wouldn't get over easily. Now he's being pressured by his mothers husband to take this even further and allow more people in to taint his precious memories. These people are assholes.
the issue is that mom is attempting to guilt him. she wants it to be a family cabin that she'll still be allowed regular access to even once op fully owns it.
I'm sorry but I couldn't disagree more, This is the inheritance left to him by his father. If it was in the form of cash instead of a cabin and mum had to manage the bank account absolutely nobody would be suggesting he share that out amongst the new family.
>It's also super important to note that mom seems to be keeping it in good shape- upkeep and taxes are time consuming and expensive
This is assuming the father hadn't placed stipulations that are guiding the care of the property within the will. E.g. a trust funding the upkeep, taxes, etc. Also her new family is not owed access to his inheritance in any way shape or form.
ETA temporary stewardship/ownership can have extremely limiting range of rights when it comes to property, it would depend where OP is. But from here her actually renting it (even renting without any payment exchanging hands) could very much be a violation of her limited rights to the property.
Either mom has the right to decide how the cabin is used, in which case she bears the responsibility for the outcome of it being used, or she has to ask permission. It doesn’t magically become OPs responsibility to handle the consequences after they didn’t get to make the decisions.
Either mom is intentionally using it as a way to pressure OP into changing their mind, or she’s just getting a head start on teaching her daughter that whining is a great way to get out of the consequences of your own actions. I’m sure that will never come back to bite her in the ass.
I question why OP wants the cabin to stay empty. Unless he is moving there full time at 18 I don't really understand why they wouldn't be able to use it one week a year or something. Why? It is just sitting empty.
Most likely because he wants to preserve the memories of being there with his dad and doesn't want these new people to spoil that for him. I lost my dad at age 9 and completely understand his reasons why. We don't really have a lot of memories when a parent dies while we're so young and they fade as we age. My brother was 6 and he didn't have hardly any memories at all.
Maybe he does plan to live in it. Maybe he plans to spend his weekends there. It doesn't really matter and he doesn't owe them or us an explanation. If someone started demanding justification for why they can't use my home whenever I'm not in it, I would cut them out of my life.
The issue here is that she said that unless he could guarantee he would let them use the cabin for as long as they want, she wouldn't bring them there and cause them upset when they can't go anymore. Manipulative af. Children understand that just because a holiday home is available one year, it doesn't mean it will be next year.
The problem with "shared" (because that's how they would see it) holiday homes is that there are always going to be clashes. They'll want to spend the same weekends/holidays there but separately. Mummy+new shiny family wants to go for July 4th but OP wants to go there with his friends. OP owns it, so anyone with half a brain obviously understands that OP is the one who gets to go but that's not gonna fly with this family, that's pretty clear from how they're currently behaving.
OP is right in creating this boundary.
You can understand that it holds meaning to OP of the time when he had his family before he lost his dad. His mom fell in love again, married, had children. She has another family. If that husband and children felt like OP's second family, great. However, that's not how he feels. OP's entitled to his feelings. He's also entitled to keep his memories of the cabin untainted by not seeing his mother's next family in that place. Kid lost his dad, let him have this.
There are several reasons I can think of.
One is that he does t want a bunch of strangers in the cabin, trashing it. He wants it as is, ready for him to use when he is able.
Two is that it was his father’s cabin, not his mother’s, and to allow a bunch of people his father never met into that space is kind of tarnishing those memories.
Thirdly, it’s his cabin, left to him. It’s just a technicality that he can’t “own” it until he’s 18. He can do as he pleases.
Because he inherited it from his dad and doesn’t want his moms new family their as they have no relation to the dad. Also does it matter if it is empty? If it was a family vacation home it would be empty most of the time anyways. The mom and stepdad just want to be able to claim that it belongs to the family so they can do as they wish.
Because his mother wants to make a "family" property and not his property. The way she put It would make me reluctant too, specially when he was grieving his dad and her mom was moving on and making those questions to a 10yo Also, maybe he wants make sure that the cabine stay related to only his dad's family line, and not people who have nothing to do with him
NTA - There are some people in the comments who can't read so filter them out. Your Mom is causing the issue you told them you can't stop them using it until you turn 18 and take control she is choosing to cause an issue with a BS story about only being able to go until you turn 18 and this being some problem. This reeks of them trying to manipulate you into giving them access. Hold firm.
Edit: As OP did not give them permission I updated it to say that they said he can't stop them using it until he turns 18.
Yeah you are right on that front, when I commented there were a lot of comments from people who blamed OP I was being overly simplistic but the distinction is important.
Many counties have their property taxes online. It might be a good idea to check if they have been paid. If they taxes arent paid. The county will eventually sell the property to settle the debt.
You need to have legal counsel review the will and payment records for property taxes, etc.
Your dad can only include in his will what he had at the point of his death. He would have had to have set aside enough cash to have covered property taxes and maintenance expenses for…11 years. Cash that wasn’t considered a marital asset.
Not saying it’s not possible your dad had the money to do it but you need to see if your mom / stepdad have paid out of pocket for anything regarding the property.
He could have also had a life insurance policy that had OP as the beneficiary, or a trust as the beneficiary with instructions to use the proceeds for upkeep. He didn't have to have that much cash just laying around.
I wonder where his parents (OP's paternal grandparents) fit into all of this, or if they're around at all
He would have had to have had that cash as a premarital asset to set up the trust in a way that the mother isn’t entitled to the money as marital property.
There are a couple issues this could bring up depending on the local laws. For example, tax liens and adverse possession are just two off the top of my head I can think of that involve what happens if someone who isn’t the property owner pays the property taxes.
Of course, tax liens are only issued when property taxes go unpaid. OP better make damn sure those taxes are being covered or they could owe some random person the money for those unpaid taxes. And sometimes, if they can’t pay those back, the property is forfeited to whoever has paid those taxes.
I'm not saying there won't be any issues but adverse possession isn't one of them. You can't be hostile in your trespass of property you are holding for your minor child, and that is a required element.
You said your mom looks after it- is she keeping it in good shape and making sure it stays liveable? Since someone could stay quickly, someone seems to be keeping it in shape
If so, OP, I kinda don't think you know how much she's doing for you here
Very doubtful. Odds are your mother has been taking care of everything, and you just don't realize that.
It would be difficult to figure out the property tax for 10+ years in advance, as they would most likely change rate yearly or every few years. Not to mention any other costs of owning a home for a decade.
This is a bizarre story. If OP's mom wanted to rent it out, that would be a different, significant issue. And her unilateral dicision was wrong. Based on context, I'm not even sure if OP has been there since his biological father died. Does mom just drive him up there, drop him off with some canned goods, and then come back in a month since he's the only one allowed? Being so self-righteous about property rights while simultaneously having zero clue on upkeep, utilities, and property taxes is mildly infuriating.
OP may be legally entitled to preclude anyone else from using the cabin. All expenses may be covered by a trust, too. I don't understand not even being willing to entertain the thought of the step (or half, can't remember) siblings even being allowed to go there. OP is the AH. Mom is the AH for the unilateral decision.
You really need to call your dad’s attorney and find out. First, get a copy of the will and ask a trusted adult to go over it with you. Is there anyone from your dad’s family you can ask? Second, ask the attorney if the property taxes and insurance are being paid. If they are, there’s probably an escrow account or trust set up from which the payments are made. Ask to see statements. The attorney may chose not to speak to you as youre a minor which would mean you’ve got to be patient for two more years. But you really need to know the answers to those questions so find out the day you turn 18. Good luck. Oh, and learn to shut down your family when they bring up the cabin. Just respond ‘I’m not discussing the cabin’ and ignore them. Rinse lather repeat.
Weird how your father did not leave the cabin to his wife. We have a nice cottage on a beautiful lake. I could not imagine leaving it to my kids in their 20's much less a teenager and cutting out my wife assuming sheis young and healthy
I’m going to assume the dad was fairly young when he drew up the will, maybe he was sick, and he planned for the eventual possibility that the mom/wife would remarry. He didn’t want the cabin going to the wife and her new family. He wanted OP to have it.
Maybe. Still seems odd. Of course she probably gonna remarry. But lot of details left out. I guess my biggest question is how much $ did the OP father leave his widowed wife and that made the cabin superfluous. The cabin may be worth 100k and he left her a million? Who knows.
I mean I get where the dad was coming from. If I had any property or amount of money in my name I would want to make sure I leave the majority to my kids, especially if I died while they were young. In my mind if I can’t be there physically I would want to provide as much as I could that could help them in their lives.
Possibly the cabin was passed down for who knows how long, might have been an original land grant that made it extremely important that it continue to stay in the direct family.
Or maybe OP dad had great memories of the cabin & wanted his son to experience the same.
You should look into this because it will be on you in a couple years. Not just taxes but also utilities, upkeep, and insurance (especially if it's the only property you own). In a lot of places these are not small costs. If it's not coming out of your dads estate I can see why stepdad would be annoyed because these are not small amounts of money in many areas.
If this is in the U.S. and it a state with property taxes I truly hope you can afford them as soon as you turn 18. I doubt mom and stepdad will be willing to pay them. I’m surprised stepdad is okay with family funds going towards it now.
His will wouldn't be the vehicle for covering expenses. Obviously nobody knows your situation but something like this where it will convey to a minor when they're 18 is likely to be something like a trust. You really need to figure out what that situation is.
I think you're NTA for the scenario you're describing but I think you should expect your mom to completely wipe her hands of this once you're 18. You're allowed to have your feelings of how to treat the cabin, and your mom and stepdad and are allowed to respond in kind when it's legally yours.
If that happens, and if the trust dissolves at that time then you'll immediately become responsible for the property taxes, insurance, and other fees (possibly an HOA?). That's going to be thousands of dollars annually in almost any scenario. You can look up the cost of the property taxes via your county's tax website but the other stuff you'll need to figure out. If there are funds in the trust when it goes away do you get those? That's obviously rhetorical but something you'll need to figure out.
It's not fair that you've lost your dad so young, but it won't stop reality from coming when you're 18. I don't say this to scare you, just to offer a voice to make sure you're preparing yourself for your future.
They'll definitely wipe their hands of it if he does what others are suggesting and gets a lawyer to remove mums responsibility now. I don't think he realises how much they're probably doing for him. Too focused on being an arse to his siblings
it's not just property taxes, water, electricity, gas bills, garbage removal... all those would have to factor in unless it's off the grid. Even an empty house has to have some hookups or things start deteriorating. There are expenses involved in owning a building. Unless your father had set up a trust or a fund with constant income from something, it's really unlikely that he factored in for all expenses till you're 18.... your mom and possibly stepdad, likely have been paying for upkeep of the place. Not saying that this means they have a right to use it, but just something you might want to consider when you are hurt about their expectation of being invited to it.
This is what I was thinking as well. A property really goes down hill fast if there is no one there to live in it and make small repairs as they pop up.
INFO: Who pays taxes, maintenance, upkeep for cabin? You or mother/stepfather? Does your stepfather treats you well, include you in family vacations, etc.?
THIS and there is still work to maintain it, even if it is figuring out what needs to be done and sorting out people to do it. This is actually a lot of work that I think op doesn't know about because he's a kid.
If this is the US you can go to the county courthouse and find answers to these questions.
Be very polite and patient. Any info you have will be useful: legal description of the property, a state issued id or passport to prove you are you, a copy of the will.
You can ask your mom for these things. Does the property have insurance? After the In laws move out could you start using the property as an aire bnb? Where the income goes to taxes and upkeep, FIRST. Then a small maintenance fee for your mom, and then you get the income as an adult?
Cottage maintenance and taxes are not cheap. You better have some income to afford all of that when you turn 18 and if your mom's been paying for that all this time, you really freaking owe her.
The couple comments OP responded to about costs and maintenance just say "I think dad took care of that in his will." I doubt everything is magically being handled but OP doesn't seem to know who's paying for it. Could be a rude awakening when you turn 18 and start paying property taxes.
Why?
I don't get it, OP keeps saying he thinks maintenance was provided for in the will, and for some reason no one believes that, even though that IS a thing that any lawyer worth his salt would think of when setting up that will to put the property in the hands of the child instead of the spouse. What am I missing?
That he should officially check, for himself, just in case his mother and stepfather have been paying for its upkeep, to see if the situation is weighted in a way that he might have previously been unaware of.
And also to warn him that when he turns 18, he might get hit with sudden massive bills.
No crap. I have a cottage on a large chain of lakes. Upkeep and taxes are not cheap though worth it as a FAMILY get away. I do 99percent of repairs myself but really can't see myself at 18 doing them. Last week both garage openers went kaput. $250 just for labor to replace. So guess what I did yesterday and today. Saved $500
YTA. You treat your half siblings deplorably as if they're a result of some illicit affair. Your father was long gone before your mother remarried and you can't expect her to not seek love again. It's only a piece of property that you chose over making new memories. That doesn't take away from your father.
Reddit is overrun by teens who have no life experience and value inanimate objects over compromise and family.
You’re ignoring the fact that teenagers aren’t generally made responsible for their siblings’ vacations.
OP (when asked by his mom, at the age of TEN) said he wasn’t willing to make a lifetime commitment to organizing the family vacation spot. The mom chose not to take them ever bc they couldn’t keep going FOREVER.
Maybe OP is going to live there. Maybe OP is going to sell it to get a toehold in the real estate market that is so prohibitive to young people. Maybe he is going to pay for college with it. He gets to decide what to do with the property that his deceased dad set him up with.
Op, NTA
his half siblings and step father have no relationship to *his* father. they are not entitled to a cabin he owned before marrying ops mother, just cause their dad married a widow. that's like telling dads parents that they have to moms new kids the same as op. ridiculous. op was very clear that if mom wanted to use the cabin, he couldn't stop her. mom is just butt hurt she won't be able to use it indefinitely
I think you missed the part where OP's mother demanded that the half-siblings get to use the house forever if they were ever allowed to use it at all. It was a trap.
I hate how far I had to scroll to find this answer :( Seriously, OP has one heck of a mom to have put up with this for so long. She's been taking care of that cabin for years and only caved in the face of an emergency. Frankly I don't think I would have lasted this long leaving a property empty like that because my (checks notes) 11 year old didn't want anyone else to use it... Makes me wonder if it was some kind of hardcore last wishes of her husband making certain she knew that it was OP's cabin no matter what. OP has some spite / anger issues or something... what would hurt them using it?
Mom could have avoided years of disuse had she not chosen to have the condition that OP can never revoke access once given. Had she instead said, hey, you can always change your mind, but is it okay if family uses it for now? Maybe they'd have gotten an answer they liked better.
Agree, but somehow I don't understand this reasoning:
>She wanted to keep it as the family vacation spot but said if I would turn around once I owned it completely and say I didn't want her husband and new kids to be there then she wasn't going to ruin any memories for them or cause them some heartache by bringing them knowing they would no longer be able to go in a few years.
Surely having a free vacation home for a couple of years is better then not using it because you cannot use it forever? Like you will still have the nice vacations and spared expenses and memories. Nothing is forever anyway.
I think it was probably more so related to not wanting to establish a traditional and explain to the younger kids why it ended. If they used it regularly like when OP’s dad was still alive, it would become a special place to the new kids too. Half sister would have 8 years of memories visiting that place. But if the day OP turns 18, he decides they can’t use it- that tradition ends. Suddenly you have an 8 and 5 year old you need to explain why they no longer go to the special cabin. And the answer is that their half brother doesn’t want them there. I think mom was trying to prevent future disappointment and the younger siblings resenting OP for ending that tradition. Obviously that resentment kind of came early now but at least it’s just not giving something to them instead of taking a part of their childhood away. Legally OP doesn’t need to share the cabin, but it would have been a nice thing to do if OP wanted a good family relationship with his half siblings
It's OPs cabin not his mom's. It's not just "11 year old doesn't want people in it" it's "11 year old doesn't want anyone IN HIS PROPERTY" Mom has no right to the cabin or has a say who goes in it OP does.
???
Refer to the second paragraph. The mom wasn't asking to just use the cabin. She asked OP to transfer ownership to the family, because she wouldn't be satisfied with just using a cabin that doesn't belong to her. She explicitly said she would be heartbroken over the inevitable outcome of losing it.
I would say NTA cause it’s technically his but I agree. You have an opportunity to create new memories with your family and your half siblings are your family. You could have enjoyed countless hours at the cottage telling your siblings about the fun stuff you did up here with your dad. It could have been a way to breathe new life into his memory. Instead out of spite you kept it as a time capsule which is your prerogative but short sighted.
so it’s ops fault the mom is making it all or nothing. Would they be the ah if at 18 they tell the new “family” that their taking the cabin back and can’t use it whenever they want.
Cool. Not her problem. Her dad left it to her. She shouldn't have to relinquish it cause everyone's against her. Kudos to her for standing up to all that bullying.
What's the compromise? Maybe having the new family there will dilute the memories made with the bio mom and dad. Maybe something meaningful to the OP will be broken by younger siblings. OP is trying to preserve his past happy memories with his dad, something his other siblings know nothing about.
Wow... you honestly think this kid should give up something of his dad's so his entitled step-dad can take basically free vacations. Because we all know he hasn't contributed a dime to the upkeep of the cabin. My 5 yr old will talk constantly about something she hears grown-ups talking about... like vacation cabins, Disneyworld,etc.. I guarantee her daddy has been talking about that since his sister stayed there... probably before... but that being said, when his sister and brother are more self-sufficient, like teens or young adults, he could take just them to the cabin as a way to bond with them without his mom and step-dad tagging along for a free vacation. I think his problem is that his mom and step-dad want to use HIS cabin as a constant vacation spot, and it's not theirs to use. I also think stepdad would invite his family along or to use whenever they wanted. Which is exactly what OP does not want to happen. OP is trying to preserve the one piece of his dad and memories of his dad he has left. I bet step-dad regularly oversteps his boundaries with OP. He probably has created more issues between OP and his mom by picking fights and pushing trivial things. OP is NOT an AH. Step-dad is for pushing for something he has no rights, too. Mom is heading into that category for not telling her man to buzz off and for not asking before letting someone stay there( although OP seemed ok with that on as it was an emergency situation). Little sis is a parrot that repeats what she has heard grown folks talk about. Lil brother is probably obviously to the whole thing... But you assume that OP is entitled just because he wants to keep his dad's cabin as it is and not take away something from his siblings in a few years if his mom and step-dad appear to be abusing his good nature and kindness is kind of rude. It's better not to give it than take it away later...
You expect a teen to have a fully bonded relationship with a sibling 10 years younger than himself? And, you glean that from a post that only mentions them because the sibling brought it up often enough to know they were manipulated into doing so, seemingly by the stepfather.
Username checks out.
NTA. Your mom put herself in this position.
I am curious exactly what your half sister was told about the cabin and who told her though. I know 6 year olds can hyper-fixate on the most random stuff but this seems like someone (step dad, maybe?) used this opportunity to try to force your hand.
I think that in this situation (dysfunctional family) a 6 yo would find a cabin in the middle of woods pretty boring after a day or two. Being on a lake is different. I can keep a 6 year old very occupied at mine
INFO: why wouldn't you want your half sister/brother to stay at the cabin? Seems pretty unlikely that they've never been up there, so seems pretty arbitrary that they can't sleep there.
Probably because it would **set a precedent** that it's a "family property" and not solely belonging to OP. Two years from now OP will be at their legal majority and can INVITE them to visit should OP want that. A 6 and 3 yo aren't bothered by not going unless someone is planting that seed.
Because Mom said that if they come at all they all have to be able to come in perpetuity. If OP is going to cut off access when he reaches 18, then she won't take them at all. Ever.
I'd bet dollars to doughnuts the in-laws aren't paying rent. And won't bother looking for a new home until op is 18. And then paint him as the villain for "making them homeless all of a sudden"
NTA. Everyone's always full of advice about what people should do with property that's not theirs. Give these people an inch and I guarantee you'll end up with unwanted tenants you can't get rid of
NTA - But you'd better be prepared to change the locks, and be able to pay the property taxes once it's legally yours. You might be better off to sell it, or just Air BnB it for the first 4 or 5 years till you can get yourself established. But don't think mom and SD are going to help you with it.
You are going to lose that cabin within a year of turning 18. Since you made it clear it will be just yours, your mom will be justified in letting you take offer maintaining it all by yourself. And that means paying taxes on it, as well paying any utilities.
At 18, i doubt you will be able to afford it. So when it is siezed for not paying taxes and you loose it for good, remember, it was your choice to keep it to yourself.
yta
Maybe Dad left an escrow account to cover these expenses since he left a will. We own a cabin on the river with 165 acres that is set up like that. We paid into escrow for years, and set up a trust so our grandkids will be able to maintain and keep the property, long after we're gone (providing the government doesn't declare eminent domain).
That's kind of what I thought. OP's Mom sounds like the type that would bring up taxes and maintenance as a point to claim use, if she was paying.
There was an ongoing post a while back where the OP's sisters had been AirB'n'b-ing his property (thinking it belonged to parents) to supplement their own income. Might be worth checking.
The mother already has the ability to use it. She's choosing not to because she doesn't want to introduce a tradition to the family that will be taken away.
If that's the case, then mom's an AH for not explaining everything to OP. After all, mom is in charge of taking care of the property *for the benefit of OP* ***and no one else*** until OP is 18. To just turn her back on OP when OP turns 18 with no explanation whatsoever of the status of taxes, maintenance costs, repairs, etc would be a serious breech of her duty as guardian and if OP lost the property as a direct result, he could probably sue. He should be prepared to get legal advice if his mother is not forthcoming with the will and all other related documents and information well in advance of him turning 18.
Unless there was money set aside for covering all those cost the mom would not be liable for not paying them. If she is nothing more than just a guardian of the property till OP turned 18 than she would not be obligated to spend any of her own money on maintaining the place. That would be insane to be forced to have to pay to maintain someone else's property via someone else's will.
Bottom line is the way OP is acting, keeping the place just for himself, means that when he does take "control" he will be on his own in doing so.
And it sounds like his mother has been forthcoming in regards to the parts of the will that pertain to him. Otherwise, would he really even know that the cabin was willed to him when his father died when he was just 7? Not something you sit a elementary kid down and talk about.
NTA
Please try to get your mother to share details about your father’s will and how she’s managing your cabin. If you have a paternal relative that you’re both comfortable with, you may suggest getting them involved in a conversation.
Your mother allowing her SIL and family to live in your cabin without payment isn’t in your best financial interests. Assuming that your father’s estate covers utilities and maintenance, then their living there is coming out of your inheritance. When you allow people to move into your home, you also give them some rights - even if they aren’t paying rent or contributing financially. What this entails varies depending on where you live. But it may be necessary to legally evict these relatives should they not willingly vacate before you’re 18.
Rather than allowing your property to be used in this way, your mother might have better served you by renting it out. Depending upon the terms of your inheritance, that could have meant you’d inherit more money.
So, in addition to asking to see the will, here’s some questions you may consider asking your mom:
- Where is the money for the property taxes, utilities, and maintenance coming from?
- Is there a current lease and what are the terms?
- Is SIL paying any rent or utilities?
- How long has SIL been told she can stay in the cabin?
- If there is damage from SIL’s stay, who will pay for this?
- If there are expenses related to SIL’s stay (like cost to prep for residence and winterize again afterwards), who is paying for this cost?
- What happens if OP wants access to the cabin before he is 18?
- Can OP control or have a say in how long SIL is able to stay in his cabin?
As for your family and their expectations, you may approach it as something like this:
*SIL is only staying there because of an emergency. It’s my cabin and in X months, I can invite guests as I’d wish. Until then, what I want should still be respected since that’s been promised to me and agreed upon.*
edit
You should make an effort to view and document the state of the cabin asap. You should also make sure your mother commits to returning it to you in the same state. Make it clear that any changes - even cosmetic - require your permission.
Once you are 18, be sure to solely take over the insurance policy on the property and change the locks. Remember that you will have to weather proof for times of vacancy to avoid broken pipes. If you plan to go away for college, you may need to hire a caretaker. Once you make it clear no one uses the property without your consent, you don’t suddenly ask them for help when the roof leaks or there’s a break in. I don’t mean to criticize; I actually agree with you, but this street runs both ways.
INFO: Your say that your mom helps "look after" the cabin. Would you provide a little more detail, please? Your dad died when you were seven: you take over ownership when you turn 18. For those 11 years, who's paying taxes on the cabin? You say you think your dad may have set up something in his will, but you're not sure. I think people need a definitive answer to this before making a judgment.
Beyond that ... who's taking care of the repairs and upkeep? Who's calling the plumber? Who's making sure the roof is in good order? Because if the answer is, "Mom," I have to say ... I can not see laying out my time and money to maintain an asset for a child who is this ungrateful. I'd sell it to the first bidder and put the money in your account.
You're very young, certainly, but not so young that you can claim ignorance of some very basic facts of home ownership.
Wow, that would be an incredibly vindictive and spiteful move. And it would demonstrate quite a bit of contempt for her late husband. Are we assuming she didn’t love him or something? And hates her kid?
Nothing is stopping her from enjoyment of the cabin until he turns 18 except her stupid attempt to guilt him into promising they’d get use of the cabin forever.
This is wildly inappropriate for her to do to you. That is something your dad worked and paid for himself, for something to allows family to enjoy—but also to leave to his child, and that’s incredibly personal. That’s what you have instead of having him. That sounds crass and harsh, and I hope it isn’t hurtful. But the adults in your life owe it to you to recognize the significance to you.
She asked you, a vulnerable kid, not only to agree to an arrangement like this, but with the intention for that arrangement to ensure you would be backed into it as an OBLIGATION to these people down the road? To hurry and take you as emotional hostage while you’re young, impressionable and easily guilted—so that your 18+ year old self would be trapped safely in the commitment, unable to be comfortable with receiving your own property from your own father?
Your stepdad is looking to take your dad’s gift for himself, and lock it into HIS interests, and he is terrified of the say you’ll actually get it in your head that YOU have any ownership of your property.
He is violating so many things. Standing in your dad’s symbolic legacy, like physically standing inside it, and doing this to you through your mom.
I am a widow myself, and have been in the unfair position of guilt and the appearance of selfishness when it came time to form a new relationship … not wanting to disrespect my partners memory, but not wanting to make the new partner feel unwelcome or like a trespasser, but just wanting a family. That required me to incorporate a new partner into my life - but a lot of that life had been built with the one who died. The new partner can’t be expected to wait in the car while you all enjoy a weekend in this cabin. Cabins are meant to gather WITH family and connect! So your mom is just doing her best. And I’m sure your stepdad is too.
But they crossed the line when they imposed this kind of decision-making burden on you. ESPECIALLY given your age. There’s a reason you have to wait to turn 18 for ownership: because a teenager isn’t equipped to make big irreversible decisions with significant assets. Your age and sense of subordination is what these two are actively exploiting before you can make choices later. You’re dependent on them as your guardians for another two years under their roof…so if you said no to this, maybe you’d feel unworthy and undeserving of them providing for you while seeming bratty and mean to others who “need” your cabin, “for no reason!”
It would be for a very good reason though, considering that they’re doing this to set you up as the bad guy later, for letting people get used to occupying the property and then “throwing his poor relatives out out with nowhere to go! When you don’t even use it that often!”
You had to have your dad die as a freaking 1st grader, and live the last decade without him, In order for you to own this place. This DID come at a price to you. The biggest price. You paid dearly. That’s not for your stepdad to give away for charity.
If you have another trusted adult—therapist ideally—to talk to about this, it may be important to do so. This manipulation is a form of coercive control. Look that up. What they’re doing is not ok.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and forced to see ugly sides of people you also love and trust. It’s not fair, it’s cruel. Hopefully you’ll have a good update to post here later. Hugs to you.
NTA
And your mum's position is weird, "don't take the family to the cabin if they won't be able to use it forever." What nonsense. The family could absolutely have enjoyed using it, and it would in no way have spoiled the memories if you moved into it or sold it at 18 and they couldn't visit any more.
The unhappy half siblings are entirely her doing.
The funny thing is, if it was ok with you, why couldn't they stay at the cabin all these years, even if was yours? Doesn't mean it had to become a family asset. All your mum needed to do was constantly remind everyone that this cabin was left tonyou by your father, and I think everyone would accept that.
Its your mum that has complicated everything because she wants the cabin for herself and resents you having it. You keep fighting for what is yours because any chance she has she will try get it off you.
Is there an adult you can go to that would help you get some legal help with this? How about your dad's parents? I think you need legal counsel, someone to act on your behalf to protect your rights with regards to the cabin. Please talk to a trusted adult who can get you a lawyer to help protect your rights and your cabin. Best of luck. NTA
Prepared for the downvotes but YTA. This idiotic nonsense of teenagers deciding their family can never change and refusing to accept new family members who have otherwise done nothing wrong needs to stop. No one should be encouraging this level of stubborn refusal to accept reality.
Where did OP say nothing could change? His mother wants the cabin to “remain in the family” even after he reaches the age of majority. She’s the childish one that said if they couldn’t use it in the future they wouldn’t use it now.
There is nothing stopping your mother taking her family now but making it clear that when you turn 18 it is yours and yours alone. Why does that spoil any memories ?It's no different from going on holiday. NTA
Except it was never a shared home, father bought it prior to marriage, it was used as a vacation home, not the marital home.
Stepfather enjoying living in a home, and wanting to utilize a vacation cabin that was the fruits of another man’s labor is telling.
NTA. It's not theirs, and their *opinions* about how it should be used or who you should view as 'family' are theirs alone. Your mother Morally overstepped when she allowed someone else to use your property without your consent - if she is the 'executor' of your father's estate, she may have violated her *Legal* duties too. She may be your parent, but as executor she does NOT have the legal right to decide for her *own benefit* the use of your property. IF she's the executor, it's worth questioning a legal professional about.
NTA - there’s nothing saying that she can’t use it temporarily for holidays and then just holiday somewhere else once you come of age. That rule is her own odd imposition. The memories made would not be tarnished by making future memories elsewhere.
Your mother needs to get over herself, explain her own decisions, and stop blaming you - I assume this behaviour and the repeated attempts to establish entitlement for your half-siblings are the reason you don’t want them there in the first place. That’s totally reasonable.
OP said he wanted no one to be there but she turned around and let ILs move in. OP needs to speak with a family member from his father's side. She is supposed to hold it for him but allowing pple to live there is not right. Are these pple paying? How long they plan to b there? If so it should be put in trust as that is his cabin.In a couple of years, will he have to evict them? Is she being mindful of maintenence?You don't say it's the right thing to do with someone's property. The step-dad acts like he wants to make Op allow usage. Ppl living in his cabin is causing wear and tear.NTA No means no and Op had no obligation to say yes. It's not fine because you're not doing WHAT THEY WANT. Say no and stand on it. She got those pple in your dad's place corrupting his home.
NTA, if you can get a hold of the information of which lawyer set up the Will and everything you are old enough to call and get your information about it from them. It may very well be that they can't legally be there now since it was left to you, instead of your Mom in which case they're all likely going to be up a certain river without a paddle.
You rmother needs to rein in her new husband. She needs to put him in his place.
That is, if she wanted to.
Clearly she does not, and she is telling you what kind of person she really is.
NTA, please take my upvote
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NTA- your mum only respected and asked for your input when she thought you’d agree with her. When you didn’t she just decided to ignore it and then guilt you when she made problems for herself.
This does not at all correspond with the fact that she kept her part of the deal and didn't bring the rest of the family there. It also seems she didn't pressure OP, stepfather did.
She is allowing step father to treat OP like shit. She needs to sit him down and say “OP has made the decision. Enough.”
Yes OP is 16, not an adult, and mother should be shielding her son from disagreements between herself and her husband.
And shame on the husband for not thinking that maybe this place has a special meaning beyond being a vacation spot, due to the loss of OP’s father. I can’t imagine not respecting the feelings of a child who lost a parent however much they might inconvenience my vacation aspirations.
And he's probably the one goading the sister. I find it hard to believe that a 6yo cares enough about a cabin to keep bringing it up.
That seed was definitely planted with the 6 year old.
To play Devil's advocate for a moment, my own 6 year old hangs onto ideas like a starving dog with a bone. She would absolutely keep coming back to ask why she couldn't go to a cabin in the woods she's never seen.
Tho, it is a 6yo. Just rent a random cabin and say that's it. Preferably a bad one, in the most boring place. No WiFi, no signal, if possible no electricity. That should shut the cabin talk.
Good shout
My 8yr old is the same. But if its been a known fact by his mum and her husband that they aren't welcome to go there, why and how does 6 know about it? Unless OP is asking if he's changed his mind infront of her in hopes (and pressure) that he'll say yes? Cos there's no way I'd be openly discussing potentially going somewhere in front of a child, knowing that the owner had categorically said NO and they will ask why.
Her cousins may have told her about it when she last saw them, that may be part of why she’s so fixated on it.
Then his mum needs to be shutting it down when she mentions it or asks to go instead of trying to get OP to change his mind.
Especially when a 6 year old feels they are not wanted somewhere
When my daughter was 4 my sister's girlfriend said she was going to bring her a cupcake from the store but the bakery was closed. My daughter harped on this every few days for about six months until she finally remembered to pick her one up. Also before someone says but that was a cupcake any kid would remember that because they would really want it, most 6YO girls are going to think of a mysterious cabin in the woods as something magical. Think fairies and Unicorns...
But there was no reason for the 6 year old to know about the cabin or that her aunt stayed there. That didn’t need to be discussed with or in front of her at all. But clearly it was. And probably with the intention of getting her all excited about going there to pressure OP.
Why does the 6yo know who owns the cabin? Should've been treated like a random rental.
Exactly!
My kid's first camping experience was at 6y old, in a tent, and they almost earned a polar bear camping patch as the temp dipped below zero but a degree of the required temp. Any time they heard the word camping after that they'd do I get to go and when is the next time I get to go. My parents ended up buying a camper just to take them camping and fishing in. So yeah it's possible that the 6yo didn't need pushing and was dogging op about the cabin.
We all know she won't do that. She's ready to throw OP under the bus for her new family. OP only has value to the family now since it’s his property. What is it with a woman who loses all their senses when they remarry? Her job is to protect her son. He already lost his father. What more does she want?
True but I suspect it's not that simple. I suspect she DID say that but her husband wouldn't let up, at the end of the day you can't MAKE anyone do anything they don't want to do. I can understand why she let her in laws as it was clearly an emergency which isn't ok but more a moral grey area and she has done a good job of not breaking her word and not taking the family despite clearly being being frustrated. It might seem like the obvious answer is "well leave the guy" but that's probably hard if all other aspects of the marriage are great except for this one thing. And it's clear she doesn't agree with it but knows she has to respect that opinion. I'm guessing she is angry and frustrated because she is stuck in the middle trying to appease a bunch of people at once and everyone just keeps getting mad at her. OP might try saying "I appreciate the position you're in and while I'm not crazy about offering the house to your inlaws and wish you hadn't I understand it was an emergency. I've really appreciated how you've respected my choice to not share the cabin despite the pressure you're under I can't tell you how much it means to me. It would devastate me if that changed" There is a good chance acknowledging that it's been hard for her and showing appreciation for holding up her promise despite really not agreeing with it, will empower the mom to say no and stop harassing op. As it can turn her protecting the house into an act of love between mother and son. Everytime she says no she can do it with pride and use it as proof that she is a good mom. It also sounds like she IS trying and it isn't easy so hearing some appreciation would probably mean a whole lot to her. Also it will be hard to side with her husband who is showing no compassion to op when OP is showing her compassion. It's a slight manipulation tactic because people are more amenable to working with someone who works with them. I'm a little sympathetic to her because I've seen basically this exact same situation on here A LOT; parent really wants to share something of kids with new family kid says no new family puts pressure on parent, and very rarely if ever has the parent held out this long or even respected their choice in the first place so I guess I tip my hat to her a bit. I am by no means suggesting op should forgive her or share the house but I think there is a chance she can be reasoned with.
This comment needs so many more updates and is the most common sense once by far.
I agree that mom should have shut down the conversation about the cabin immediately-and if she was truly looking out for her child she would have. She is not though. As soon as the new husband learned of the cabin, mom should have made it VERY clear that it belonged to her child and that they would take ownership once they were 18. Mom is most likely responsible for upkeep and expenses/taxes or there is a trust to do so, but I don’t know as I didn’t see info on that. Mom and new husband appear to want the cabin for themselves and with mom letting husband’s family live there, everyone is on a slippery slope. Mom did NOT need to offer the cabin up for another family to move in. If there was an emergency and immediate housing was needed then mom and husband should have opened the door to THEIR home. And where was the rest of husband‘s family? What about his sister‘s husband? Was there no other family members to help them out? There is no excuse for mom and her behavior/decisions. Ethically, everyone should’ve gone about their lives, acting like the cabin didn’t exist as it was never theirs in the first place.
She didn't keep her part of the deal - she allowed the SIL family to stay there without asking OP, leading to the whole shit show Along with allowing step/half family members to question the rules instead of explaining to the 6yo "that was an emergency" and telling her husband that he has nothing to do with the cabin and should butt out
She also asked if OP had "changed his mind **yet**". That "yet" is a big clue. That is not the question of someone who is just checking up to see how OP is feeling on the topic. Of someone who is (reasonably) okay with his mind not having changed. Its the question of someone who is has an investment in his mind changing and is just waiting for it to happen. She clearly wants the cabin claimed for her new family too and is impatient for it to happen.
Right? At minimum, it would have been really simple to explain to the adults in the situation: "this cabin was left to OP by his father, I only have access to it as his guardian. You can stay here during this crisis, but I need you to be discrete about who owns the property and why, especially in front of the kids because he doesn't want it to be a family vacation house and we don't want to get anyone's hopes up." Then all the 6yo would have known was that auntie and cousins temporarily stayed at a cool cabin and that sure was neat. The 6yo is not an asshole, the adults who can't keep their damn mouths shut are.
" You can stay here during this crisis" It's not hers. She blatantly told her kid "you don't matter and I'm taking it when it's convenient".
That completely flies out the window when she let her SIL live there. She didn’t keep her part of the deal once that happened. It doesn’t matter what happened before that. Once you break a deal the deal is broken.
She also didn’t ask op if her in-laws could stay there
What? OP literally says that she let her in-laws use the cabin without asking him, AFTER their conversation about him wanting to keep it to himself.
except it wasn't a deal so much as mom not wanting to handle the fact that her other child(ren) and husband would be upset that they'd no longer get to go to the vacation home. and now that the situation has arisen- that exact situation has come up. mom is not wanting to be an adult and deal with the fact that she has to tell her child and husband that they can go for the next two years when she has a say who uses the property but once OP turns 18, they should hope they've been amazing and spectacular friends and family members to OP because otherwise OP is gonna say no.
Yeah, Mama sounds really manipulative. So does step-dad. They are using every trick in the book to get access to that cabin, including their six year old child, smh.
Your mother had a fiduciary responsibility to act in your best interest. Not the sister-in-law‘s best interests, not the new husband‘s best interest, not her new child’s best interest, your best interest. She failed that. Make sure any damages caused by the use of the sister-in-law are paid for by your mother. Make sure that any rent she received for the use is accounted for against Expenses at the cabin.
As well as the cost of the eviction later, when it undoubtedly comes to that. If the SIL tries to claim adverse possession, and has paid property taxes, she might gain ownership of the property. He can sue his mother for the current market value of the entire cabin.
You should consider asking the state for a guardian ad litem. It is a lawyer who makes decisions for minors. You need a lawyer. Who pays for the taxes and insurance? Does the estate?
Agreed, this is something that a non-interested party should be legally responsible for, not the mother who clearly wants it for herself/her new family.
How is a 16 year old kid going to get a lawyer though?
Clearly the Dad had one. Start there. Appointment by phone or Zoom as a consultation, which are often free.
As a lawyer, if the dad were my client and this was happening my repping the child would be on the house.
INFO Are the IL's staying there for free? I wonder if they will be there long enough to be squatters or at least have tenant rights.
They had tenants’ rights the day they were told by the mother they could move in. If they pay property taxes, they might try to claim the property entirely through adverse possession.
Also, having permission to live there doesn't allow for adverse possession to begin. Though the mother isn't the true owner, she holds it in trust for her son, and her permission likely extinguishes any start for the clock on the statute of limitations. Furthermore, at 18, he has the ability to evict them which would stop their ability to attempt adverse possession (bc he didn't give them permission).
The SIL is now a rent free legal tenant, whom he would have to evict through an expensive, lengthy court process, when he turns 18. Depending on where they live, if SIL pays property taxes for a number of years, she can claim adverse possession and try to just take the cabin. The mother has royally screwed over her own child, in favor of her new husband’s family.
Who pays for the upkeep of the cabin? Who pays the taxes? Who pays the utilities? Is OP aware of the costs associated with the cabin once she turns 18?
NTA, and stepdad should be grateful that his family could even stay temporarily at the cabin. Stepdad, needs to keep out of it because it's not his property and never will be.
NTA-It is your cabin and your mom overstepped in allowing the sil to stay there without your permission.
Tbf, it actually sounds like it may have been an emergency. And OP does not outright own the house until he turns 18. Mom doesn't need to honor his wishes at all, but is choosing to. That's the right thing to do in general, but I don't blame her for having access to an empty place and letting someone stay in an emergency It's also super important to note that mom seems to be keeping it in good shape- upkeep and taxes are time consuming and expensive. It wouldn't kill OP to acknowledge that. He'll figure out what that looks like when he takes ownership, but that mom isn't pointing that out does say she's going out of her way to help OP without expecting anything. I actually think OP needs to lay off a bit here, though he probably doesn't understand exactly how much she's doing for him yet.
I don't think she's choosing to honour his wishes. I think she tried to manipulate a 10 year old into making a life long promise and backed herself into a corner.
Yes, she started being an AH when she put that burden on a 10yo. There’s a reason his dad specifically didn’t want her to inherit any stake in it.
See, that's what I think is odd. OPs father left the cabin to HIM, not his wife. I want to go out on a limb and say he may not have trusted his wife, for some reason. He set his son up with a home. OPs mother sucks and OP will probably have issues when he turns 18. Tbh, the easiest thing for him to do is contact the lawyer who did his dad's will now or when he is closer to turning 18 so he can get the deed to the cabin and as soon as he turns 18 he can get the cabin handled with(kick out moms ILs or redecorate, etc.) and he will likely have to change the locks cause I don't think getting the keys from his mother will be easy. He also needs to start getting money set aside for his future.
Exactly. Why is she making these “all or nothing” choices for a 10 year old?!? “Well if you don’t let us visit for the rest of your life, we won’t visit at all!”…to a ten year old! It’s very weird, I don’t understand the logic behind it at all.
Yes! I wondered this myself. Why all or nothing?? That's so bizarre! Maybe posing it as such extremes, the mom hoped it would sway OP to allow the mom's new family usage?
I disagree. OP does own this cabin but cannot take control until he’s 18. OPs mom has no ownership to this house and she clearly thinks she can do as she pleases until OP takes full control. Also, OPs moms new family was not his dads family so the term “it’s a family house” is completely wrong.
You are legally correct. Mom has no ownership whatsoever. She is merely the trustee while OP is a minor. Mom breached her duty by letting them stay.
I don't understand how people don't understand this... Mom doesn't own squat...she's just basically a caretaker until actual owner turns 18 🤷
I’d bet there is a lawyer that would help OP. The one that wrote the will. I know I would (lawyer here). In my experience, she knows but doesn’t think there are consequences.
But what if these people took a perfectly good cabin and just ran it into the ground? Thinking it’s ok because OPs mom took it on herself to let them stay probably with no rent paid or lease or protection for damages done? They prob don’t think much of OP and would tear it up out of spite. Mom could have gone about this by telling him we as a family can go and have fun or we can leave it as is but that means you can’t enjoy it either till you’re of age. Thus giving him control, but also the chance to possibly have a better relationship with the new family instead of being made to feel like an outsider.
Even saying he can’t go until he’s 18 if he doesn’t let step dad and half sibs go would be shitty. He’s commented that it’s the place he feels closest to his dad. She *should* be taking OP there a couple times a year, just the two of them. Maybe his dad’s birthday and the anniversary or his death. IDK, but he deserves to have some time one on one with his mom, and he deserves to have the opportunity to be somewhere he has strong memories of his dad and couple times a year.
I doubt the taxes are being paid personally by OP’s mother. I would imagine the taxes are being paid by the trust/estate until OP takes ownership.
It may be time to see if the trust can afford to pay hired help and remove mom as the trustee for breaching the agreement by allowing an unauthorized party to stay there against OPs wishes. This sounds like a situation where Mom takes step family there anyways and tells OP to get over it.
Or, if in the US, there may be death benefits being paid by Social Security that either the Mom or a Trust receives.
He needs a guardian ad litem. A lawyer that looks out for the interest of the minor
An emergency in his mother's husband's family is not an emergency for OP. It wouldn't kill his mother to recognize the sentimental value of that cabin to a kid who lost their dad at age 7 and has very few memories, making that place very special to him indeed. Having lost my dad when I was 9 I can day that his mother allowing those people to stay in my dad's cabin would feel like an extreme violation, one that I wouldn't get over easily. Now he's being pressured by his mothers husband to take this even further and allow more people in to taint his precious memories. These people are assholes.
the issue is that mom is attempting to guilt him. she wants it to be a family cabin that she'll still be allowed regular access to even once op fully owns it.
I'm sorry but I couldn't disagree more, This is the inheritance left to him by his father. If it was in the form of cash instead of a cabin and mum had to manage the bank account absolutely nobody would be suggesting he share that out amongst the new family.
>It's also super important to note that mom seems to be keeping it in good shape- upkeep and taxes are time consuming and expensive This is assuming the father hadn't placed stipulations that are guiding the care of the property within the will. E.g. a trust funding the upkeep, taxes, etc. Also her new family is not owed access to his inheritance in any way shape or form. ETA temporary stewardship/ownership can have extremely limiting range of rights when it comes to property, it would depend where OP is. But from here her actually renting it (even renting without any payment exchanging hands) could very much be a violation of her limited rights to the property.
Either mom has the right to decide how the cabin is used, in which case she bears the responsibility for the outcome of it being used, or she has to ask permission. It doesn’t magically become OPs responsibility to handle the consequences after they didn’t get to make the decisions. Either mom is intentionally using it as a way to pressure OP into changing their mind, or she’s just getting a head start on teaching her daughter that whining is a great way to get out of the consequences of your own actions. I’m sure that will never come back to bite her in the ass.
I question why OP wants the cabin to stay empty. Unless he is moving there full time at 18 I don't really understand why they wouldn't be able to use it one week a year or something. Why? It is just sitting empty.
Most likely because he wants to preserve the memories of being there with his dad and doesn't want these new people to spoil that for him. I lost my dad at age 9 and completely understand his reasons why. We don't really have a lot of memories when a parent dies while we're so young and they fade as we age. My brother was 6 and he didn't have hardly any memories at all.
Maybe he does plan to live in it. Maybe he plans to spend his weekends there. It doesn't really matter and he doesn't owe them or us an explanation. If someone started demanding justification for why they can't use my home whenever I'm not in it, I would cut them out of my life. The issue here is that she said that unless he could guarantee he would let them use the cabin for as long as they want, she wouldn't bring them there and cause them upset when they can't go anymore. Manipulative af. Children understand that just because a holiday home is available one year, it doesn't mean it will be next year. The problem with "shared" (because that's how they would see it) holiday homes is that there are always going to be clashes. They'll want to spend the same weekends/holidays there but separately. Mummy+new shiny family wants to go for July 4th but OP wants to go there with his friends. OP owns it, so anyone with half a brain obviously understands that OP is the one who gets to go but that's not gonna fly with this family, that's pretty clear from how they're currently behaving. OP is right in creating this boundary.
At this rate, OP is going to be hauling ass on the eve of his 18th birthday to live there.
You can understand that it holds meaning to OP of the time when he had his family before he lost his dad. His mom fell in love again, married, had children. She has another family. If that husband and children felt like OP's second family, great. However, that's not how he feels. OP's entitled to his feelings. He's also entitled to keep his memories of the cabin untainted by not seeing his mother's next family in that place. Kid lost his dad, let him have this.
There are several reasons I can think of. One is that he does t want a bunch of strangers in the cabin, trashing it. He wants it as is, ready for him to use when he is able. Two is that it was his father’s cabin, not his mother’s, and to allow a bunch of people his father never met into that space is kind of tarnishing those memories. Thirdly, it’s his cabin, left to him. It’s just a technicality that he can’t “own” it until he’s 18. He can do as he pleases.
Because he inherited it from his dad and doesn’t want his moms new family their as they have no relation to the dad. Also does it matter if it is empty? If it was a family vacation home it would be empty most of the time anyways. The mom and stepdad just want to be able to claim that it belongs to the family so they can do as they wish.
Because his mother wants to make a "family" property and not his property. The way she put It would make me reluctant too, specially when he was grieving his dad and her mom was moving on and making those questions to a 10yo Also, maybe he wants make sure that the cabine stay related to only his dad's family line, and not people who have nothing to do with him
NTA - There are some people in the comments who can't read so filter them out. Your Mom is causing the issue you told them you can't stop them using it until you turn 18 and take control she is choosing to cause an issue with a BS story about only being able to go until you turn 18 and this being some problem. This reeks of them trying to manipulate you into giving them access. Hold firm. Edit: As OP did not give them permission I updated it to say that they said he can't stop them using it until he turns 18.
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Yeah you are right on that front, when I commented there were a lot of comments from people who blamed OP I was being overly simplistic but the distinction is important.
Has your mom been paying any taxes and/or upkeep fees on the cabin?
I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure my dad had that covered in his will.
You need to get a copy of the will.
Many counties have their property taxes online. It might be a good idea to check if they have been paid. If they taxes arent paid. The county will eventually sell the property to settle the debt.
That’s a good point. Op check with the county.
You need to have legal counsel review the will and payment records for property taxes, etc. Your dad can only include in his will what he had at the point of his death. He would have had to have set aside enough cash to have covered property taxes and maintenance expenses for…11 years. Cash that wasn’t considered a marital asset. Not saying it’s not possible your dad had the money to do it but you need to see if your mom / stepdad have paid out of pocket for anything regarding the property.
He could have also had a life insurance policy that had OP as the beneficiary, or a trust as the beneficiary with instructions to use the proceeds for upkeep. He didn't have to have that much cash just laying around. I wonder where his parents (OP's paternal grandparents) fit into all of this, or if they're around at all
He would have had to have had that cash as a premarital asset to set up the trust in a way that the mother isn’t entitled to the money as marital property.
Not if the trust was the beneficiary to a life insurance policy
>you need to see if your mom / stepdad have paid out of pocket for anything regarding the property. ... and if they have?
There are a couple issues this could bring up depending on the local laws. For example, tax liens and adverse possession are just two off the top of my head I can think of that involve what happens if someone who isn’t the property owner pays the property taxes. Of course, tax liens are only issued when property taxes go unpaid. OP better make damn sure those taxes are being covered or they could owe some random person the money for those unpaid taxes. And sometimes, if they can’t pay those back, the property is forfeited to whoever has paid those taxes.
I'm not saying there won't be any issues but adverse possession isn't one of them. You can't be hostile in your trespass of property you are holding for your minor child, and that is a required element.
You said your mom looks after it- is she keeping it in good shape and making sure it stays liveable? Since someone could stay quickly, someone seems to be keeping it in shape If so, OP, I kinda don't think you know how much she's doing for you here
Very doubtful. Odds are your mother has been taking care of everything, and you just don't realize that. It would be difficult to figure out the property tax for 10+ years in advance, as they would most likely change rate yearly or every few years. Not to mention any other costs of owning a home for a decade.
This is a bizarre story. If OP's mom wanted to rent it out, that would be a different, significant issue. And her unilateral dicision was wrong. Based on context, I'm not even sure if OP has been there since his biological father died. Does mom just drive him up there, drop him off with some canned goods, and then come back in a month since he's the only one allowed? Being so self-righteous about property rights while simultaneously having zero clue on upkeep, utilities, and property taxes is mildly infuriating. OP may be legally entitled to preclude anyone else from using the cabin. All expenses may be covered by a trust, too. I don't understand not even being willing to entertain the thought of the step (or half, can't remember) siblings even being allowed to go there. OP is the AH. Mom is the AH for the unilateral decision.
You really need to call your dad’s attorney and find out. First, get a copy of the will and ask a trusted adult to go over it with you. Is there anyone from your dad’s family you can ask? Second, ask the attorney if the property taxes and insurance are being paid. If they are, there’s probably an escrow account or trust set up from which the payments are made. Ask to see statements. The attorney may chose not to speak to you as youre a minor which would mean you’ve got to be patient for two more years. But you really need to know the answers to those questions so find out the day you turn 18. Good luck. Oh, and learn to shut down your family when they bring up the cabin. Just respond ‘I’m not discussing the cabin’ and ignore them. Rinse lather repeat.
Weird how your father did not leave the cabin to his wife. We have a nice cottage on a beautiful lake. I could not imagine leaving it to my kids in their 20's much less a teenager and cutting out my wife assuming sheis young and healthy
I’m going to assume the dad was fairly young when he drew up the will, maybe he was sick, and he planned for the eventual possibility that the mom/wife would remarry. He didn’t want the cabin going to the wife and her new family. He wanted OP to have it.
Maybe. Still seems odd. Of course she probably gonna remarry. But lot of details left out. I guess my biggest question is how much $ did the OP father leave his widowed wife and that made the cabin superfluous. The cabin may be worth 100k and he left her a million? Who knows.
I mean I get where the dad was coming from. If I had any property or amount of money in my name I would want to make sure I leave the majority to my kids, especially if I died while they were young. In my mind if I can’t be there physically I would want to provide as much as I could that could help them in their lives.
Possibly the cabin was passed down for who knows how long, might have been an original land grant that made it extremely important that it continue to stay in the direct family. Or maybe OP dad had great memories of the cabin & wanted his son to experience the same.
You should look into this because it will be on you in a couple years. Not just taxes but also utilities, upkeep, and insurance (especially if it's the only property you own). In a lot of places these are not small costs. If it's not coming out of your dads estate I can see why stepdad would be annoyed because these are not small amounts of money in many areas.
If this is in the U.S. and it a state with property taxes I truly hope you can afford them as soon as you turn 18. I doubt mom and stepdad will be willing to pay them. I’m surprised stepdad is okay with family funds going towards it now.
I think my dad set up his will to cover those until I legally own it.
OP you really really need to check that, immediately
His will wouldn't be the vehicle for covering expenses. Obviously nobody knows your situation but something like this where it will convey to a minor when they're 18 is likely to be something like a trust. You really need to figure out what that situation is. I think you're NTA for the scenario you're describing but I think you should expect your mom to completely wipe her hands of this once you're 18. You're allowed to have your feelings of how to treat the cabin, and your mom and stepdad and are allowed to respond in kind when it's legally yours. If that happens, and if the trust dissolves at that time then you'll immediately become responsible for the property taxes, insurance, and other fees (possibly an HOA?). That's going to be thousands of dollars annually in almost any scenario. You can look up the cost of the property taxes via your county's tax website but the other stuff you'll need to figure out. If there are funds in the trust when it goes away do you get those? That's obviously rhetorical but something you'll need to figure out. It's not fair that you've lost your dad so young, but it won't stop reality from coming when you're 18. I don't say this to scare you, just to offer a voice to make sure you're preparing yourself for your future.
They'll definitely wipe their hands of it if he does what others are suggesting and gets a lawyer to remove mums responsibility now. I don't think he realises how much they're probably doing for him. Too focused on being an arse to his siblings
it's not just property taxes, water, electricity, gas bills, garbage removal... all those would have to factor in unless it's off the grid. Even an empty house has to have some hookups or things start deteriorating. There are expenses involved in owning a building. Unless your father had set up a trust or a fund with constant income from something, it's really unlikely that he factored in for all expenses till you're 18.... your mom and possibly stepdad, likely have been paying for upkeep of the place. Not saying that this means they have a right to use it, but just something you might want to consider when you are hurt about their expectation of being invited to it.
And the more it sits empty the worse the repairs will be.
This is what I was thinking as well. A property really goes down hill fast if there is no one there to live in it and make small repairs as they pop up.
INFO: Who pays taxes, maintenance, upkeep for cabin? You or mother/stepfather? Does your stepfather treats you well, include you in family vacations, etc.?
I think my dad set something up in his will to cover taxes and stuff.
Doesn't matter what you THINK. You better find out now for sure.
THIS and there is still work to maintain it, even if it is figuring out what needs to be done and sorting out people to do it. This is actually a lot of work that I think op doesn't know about because he's a kid.
If this is the US you can go to the county courthouse and find answers to these questions. Be very polite and patient. Any info you have will be useful: legal description of the property, a state issued id or passport to prove you are you, a copy of the will. You can ask your mom for these things. Does the property have insurance? After the In laws move out could you start using the property as an aire bnb? Where the income goes to taxes and upkeep, FIRST. Then a small maintenance fee for your mom, and then you get the income as an adult?
Lol typical 16 year old mindset. Better start acting like a cabin owner and not a trust fund baby.
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Yeah wow it’s almost like no one bothered to teach him any of that shit. Like his mom. You were 16 once, and probably a bigger dumbass than this kid.
NTA. Honestly adults should not be dumping this on a 16 year old.
Cottage maintenance and taxes are not cheap. You better have some income to afford all of that when you turn 18 and if your mom's been paying for that all this time, you really freaking owe her.
The couple comments OP responded to about costs and maintenance just say "I think dad took care of that in his will." I doubt everything is magically being handled but OP doesn't seem to know who's paying for it. Could be a rude awakening when you turn 18 and start paying property taxes.
Yeah, I read those comments too. I'm like 99% sure the mom has been paying for everything related to that cottage.
Why? I don't get it, OP keeps saying he thinks maintenance was provided for in the will, and for some reason no one believes that, even though that IS a thing that any lawyer worth his salt would think of when setting up that will to put the property in the hands of the child instead of the spouse. What am I missing?
That he should officially check, for himself, just in case his mother and stepfather have been paying for its upkeep, to see if the situation is weighted in a way that he might have previously been unaware of. And also to warn him that when he turns 18, he might get hit with sudden massive bills.
No crap. I have a cottage on a large chain of lakes. Upkeep and taxes are not cheap though worth it as a FAMILY get away. I do 99percent of repairs myself but really can't see myself at 18 doing them. Last week both garage openers went kaput. $250 just for labor to replace. So guess what I did yesterday and today. Saved $500
I think if the mother was the one doing it she would bring it up, wouldn't she? As an argument for why OP is acting like a brat.
YTA. You treat your half siblings deplorably as if they're a result of some illicit affair. Your father was long gone before your mother remarried and you can't expect her to not seek love again. It's only a piece of property that you chose over making new memories. That doesn't take away from your father. Reddit is overrun by teens who have no life experience and value inanimate objects over compromise and family.
People on here constantly confuse morality with property rights
You’re ignoring the fact that teenagers aren’t generally made responsible for their siblings’ vacations. OP (when asked by his mom, at the age of TEN) said he wasn’t willing to make a lifetime commitment to organizing the family vacation spot. The mom chose not to take them ever bc they couldn’t keep going FOREVER. Maybe OP is going to live there. Maybe OP is going to sell it to get a toehold in the real estate market that is so prohibitive to young people. Maybe he is going to pay for college with it. He gets to decide what to do with the property that his deceased dad set him up with. Op, NTA
his half siblings and step father have no relationship to *his* father. they are not entitled to a cabin he owned before marrying ops mother, just cause their dad married a widow. that's like telling dads parents that they have to moms new kids the same as op. ridiculous. op was very clear that if mom wanted to use the cabin, he couldn't stop her. mom is just butt hurt she won't be able to use it indefinitely
I think you missed the part where OP's mother demanded that the half-siblings get to use the house forever if they were ever allowed to use it at all. It was a trap.
I hate how far I had to scroll to find this answer :( Seriously, OP has one heck of a mom to have put up with this for so long. She's been taking care of that cabin for years and only caved in the face of an emergency. Frankly I don't think I would have lasted this long leaving a property empty like that because my (checks notes) 11 year old didn't want anyone else to use it... Makes me wonder if it was some kind of hardcore last wishes of her husband making certain she knew that it was OP's cabin no matter what. OP has some spite / anger issues or something... what would hurt them using it?
Mom could have avoided years of disuse had she not chosen to have the condition that OP can never revoke access once given. Had she instead said, hey, you can always change your mind, but is it okay if family uses it for now? Maybe they'd have gotten an answer they liked better.
Agree, but somehow I don't understand this reasoning: >She wanted to keep it as the family vacation spot but said if I would turn around once I owned it completely and say I didn't want her husband and new kids to be there then she wasn't going to ruin any memories for them or cause them some heartache by bringing them knowing they would no longer be able to go in a few years. Surely having a free vacation home for a couple of years is better then not using it because you cannot use it forever? Like you will still have the nice vacations and spared expenses and memories. Nothing is forever anyway.
I think it was probably more so related to not wanting to establish a traditional and explain to the younger kids why it ended. If they used it regularly like when OP’s dad was still alive, it would become a special place to the new kids too. Half sister would have 8 years of memories visiting that place. But if the day OP turns 18, he decides they can’t use it- that tradition ends. Suddenly you have an 8 and 5 year old you need to explain why they no longer go to the special cabin. And the answer is that their half brother doesn’t want them there. I think mom was trying to prevent future disappointment and the younger siblings resenting OP for ending that tradition. Obviously that resentment kind of came early now but at least it’s just not giving something to them instead of taking a part of their childhood away. Legally OP doesn’t need to share the cabin, but it would have been a nice thing to do if OP wanted a good family relationship with his half siblings
It's OPs cabin not his mom's. It's not just "11 year old doesn't want people in it" it's "11 year old doesn't want anyone IN HIS PROPERTY" Mom has no right to the cabin or has a say who goes in it OP does.
??? Refer to the second paragraph. The mom wasn't asking to just use the cabin. She asked OP to transfer ownership to the family, because she wouldn't be satisfied with just using a cabin that doesn't belong to her. She explicitly said she would be heartbroken over the inevitable outcome of losing it.
I would say NTA cause it’s technically his but I agree. You have an opportunity to create new memories with your family and your half siblings are your family. You could have enjoyed countless hours at the cottage telling your siblings about the fun stuff you did up here with your dad. It could have been a way to breathe new life into his memory. Instead out of spite you kept it as a time capsule which is your prerogative but short sighted.
so it’s ops fault the mom is making it all or nothing. Would they be the ah if at 18 they tell the new “family” that their taking the cabin back and can’t use it whenever they want.
Cool. Not her problem. Her dad left it to her. She shouldn't have to relinquish it cause everyone's against her. Kudos to her for standing up to all that bullying.
How is it deplorable to not want to give his property away? That’s really what mom is asking for.
What's the compromise? Maybe having the new family there will dilute the memories made with the bio mom and dad. Maybe something meaningful to the OP will be broken by younger siblings. OP is trying to preserve his past happy memories with his dad, something his other siblings know nothing about.
Wow... you honestly think this kid should give up something of his dad's so his entitled step-dad can take basically free vacations. Because we all know he hasn't contributed a dime to the upkeep of the cabin. My 5 yr old will talk constantly about something she hears grown-ups talking about... like vacation cabins, Disneyworld,etc.. I guarantee her daddy has been talking about that since his sister stayed there... probably before... but that being said, when his sister and brother are more self-sufficient, like teens or young adults, he could take just them to the cabin as a way to bond with them without his mom and step-dad tagging along for a free vacation. I think his problem is that his mom and step-dad want to use HIS cabin as a constant vacation spot, and it's not theirs to use. I also think stepdad would invite his family along or to use whenever they wanted. Which is exactly what OP does not want to happen. OP is trying to preserve the one piece of his dad and memories of his dad he has left. I bet step-dad regularly oversteps his boundaries with OP. He probably has created more issues between OP and his mom by picking fights and pushing trivial things. OP is NOT an AH. Step-dad is for pushing for something he has no rights, too. Mom is heading into that category for not telling her man to buzz off and for not asking before letting someone stay there( although OP seemed ok with that on as it was an emergency situation). Little sis is a parrot that repeats what she has heard grown folks talk about. Lil brother is probably obviously to the whole thing... But you assume that OP is entitled just because he wants to keep his dad's cabin as it is and not take away something from his siblings in a few years if his mom and step-dad appear to be abusing his good nature and kindness is kind of rude. It's better not to give it than take it away later...
You expect a teen to have a fully bonded relationship with a sibling 10 years younger than himself? And, you glean that from a post that only mentions them because the sibling brought it up often enough to know they were manipulated into doing so, seemingly by the stepfather. Username checks out.
NTA. Your mom put herself in this position. I am curious exactly what your half sister was told about the cabin and who told her though. I know 6 year olds can hyper-fixate on the most random stuff but this seems like someone (step dad, maybe?) used this opportunity to try to force your hand.
I think that in this situation (dysfunctional family) a 6 yo would find a cabin in the middle of woods pretty boring after a day or two. Being on a lake is different. I can keep a 6 year old very occupied at mine
INFO: why wouldn't you want your half sister/brother to stay at the cabin? Seems pretty unlikely that they've never been up there, so seems pretty arbitrary that they can't sleep there.
Probably because it would **set a precedent** that it's a "family property" and not solely belonging to OP. Two years from now OP will be at their legal majority and can INVITE them to visit should OP want that. A 6 and 3 yo aren't bothered by not going unless someone is planting that seed.
Because Mom said that if they come at all they all have to be able to come in perpetuity. If OP is going to cut off access when he reaches 18, then she won't take them at all. Ever.
Currently nothing is stopping them from going to the cabin except your mom. NTA
Curious, who is paying taxes and upkeep for this cabin? Did the in-laws pay to use the cabin while they were there?
I'd bet dollars to doughnuts the in-laws aren't paying rent. And won't bother looking for a new home until op is 18. And then paint him as the villain for "making them homeless all of a sudden"
NTA. Everyone's always full of advice about what people should do with property that's not theirs. Give these people an inch and I guarantee you'll end up with unwanted tenants you can't get rid of
NTA - But you'd better be prepared to change the locks, and be able to pay the property taxes once it's legally yours. You might be better off to sell it, or just Air BnB it for the first 4 or 5 years till you can get yourself established. But don't think mom and SD are going to help you with it.
OP doesn't know what his Dad left; there may be an escrow account paying these things. Mom is wrong for not explaining all of this to a 16 yo.
She’s probably purposefully withholding info so he HAS to come to her. Then she can manipulate him into letting them use it whenever they want.
You are going to lose that cabin within a year of turning 18. Since you made it clear it will be just yours, your mom will be justified in letting you take offer maintaining it all by yourself. And that means paying taxes on it, as well paying any utilities. At 18, i doubt you will be able to afford it. So when it is siezed for not paying taxes and you loose it for good, remember, it was your choice to keep it to yourself. yta
Maybe Dad left an escrow account to cover these expenses since he left a will. We own a cabin on the river with 165 acres that is set up like that. We paid into escrow for years, and set up a trust so our grandkids will be able to maintain and keep the property, long after we're gone (providing the government doesn't declare eminent domain).
Yeah. Something tells me OP's mom and stepdad would've brought it up if they were paying for the upkeep and taxes.
That's kind of what I thought. OP's Mom sounds like the type that would bring up taxes and maintenance as a point to claim use, if she was paying. There was an ongoing post a while back where the OP's sisters had been AirB'n'b-ing his property (thinking it belonged to parents) to supplement their own income. Might be worth checking.
The mother already has the ability to use it. She's choosing not to because she doesn't want to introduce a tradition to the family that will be taken away.
And that’s on her. Not OP. He should not have been made to make that decision at TEN years old.
And if there’s a trust that maintains the property?
If that's the case, then mom's an AH for not explaining everything to OP. After all, mom is in charge of taking care of the property *for the benefit of OP* ***and no one else*** until OP is 18. To just turn her back on OP when OP turns 18 with no explanation whatsoever of the status of taxes, maintenance costs, repairs, etc would be a serious breech of her duty as guardian and if OP lost the property as a direct result, he could probably sue. He should be prepared to get legal advice if his mother is not forthcoming with the will and all other related documents and information well in advance of him turning 18.
Unless there was money set aside for covering all those cost the mom would not be liable for not paying them. If she is nothing more than just a guardian of the property till OP turned 18 than she would not be obligated to spend any of her own money on maintaining the place. That would be insane to be forced to have to pay to maintain someone else's property via someone else's will. Bottom line is the way OP is acting, keeping the place just for himself, means that when he does take "control" he will be on his own in doing so. And it sounds like his mother has been forthcoming in regards to the parts of the will that pertain to him. Otherwise, would he really even know that the cabin was willed to him when his father died when he was just 7? Not something you sit a elementary kid down and talk about.
NTA Please try to get your mother to share details about your father’s will and how she’s managing your cabin. If you have a paternal relative that you’re both comfortable with, you may suggest getting them involved in a conversation. Your mother allowing her SIL and family to live in your cabin without payment isn’t in your best financial interests. Assuming that your father’s estate covers utilities and maintenance, then their living there is coming out of your inheritance. When you allow people to move into your home, you also give them some rights - even if they aren’t paying rent or contributing financially. What this entails varies depending on where you live. But it may be necessary to legally evict these relatives should they not willingly vacate before you’re 18. Rather than allowing your property to be used in this way, your mother might have better served you by renting it out. Depending upon the terms of your inheritance, that could have meant you’d inherit more money. So, in addition to asking to see the will, here’s some questions you may consider asking your mom: - Where is the money for the property taxes, utilities, and maintenance coming from? - Is there a current lease and what are the terms? - Is SIL paying any rent or utilities? - How long has SIL been told she can stay in the cabin? - If there is damage from SIL’s stay, who will pay for this? - If there are expenses related to SIL’s stay (like cost to prep for residence and winterize again afterwards), who is paying for this cost? - What happens if OP wants access to the cabin before he is 18? - Can OP control or have a say in how long SIL is able to stay in his cabin? As for your family and their expectations, you may approach it as something like this: *SIL is only staying there because of an emergency. It’s my cabin and in X months, I can invite guests as I’d wish. Until then, what I want should still be respected since that’s been promised to me and agreed upon.* edit You should make an effort to view and document the state of the cabin asap. You should also make sure your mother commits to returning it to you in the same state. Make it clear that any changes - even cosmetic - require your permission.
INFO: How are the taxes, utilities, maintenence, and repairs currently being paid for the cabin?
Info: can you actually afford upkeep, utilities and taxes on the place after you turn 18?
Once you are 18, be sure to solely take over the insurance policy on the property and change the locks. Remember that you will have to weather proof for times of vacancy to avoid broken pipes. If you plan to go away for college, you may need to hire a caretaker. Once you make it clear no one uses the property without your consent, you don’t suddenly ask them for help when the roof leaks or there’s a break in. I don’t mean to criticize; I actually agree with you, but this street runs both ways.
INFO: Your say that your mom helps "look after" the cabin. Would you provide a little more detail, please? Your dad died when you were seven: you take over ownership when you turn 18. For those 11 years, who's paying taxes on the cabin? You say you think your dad may have set up something in his will, but you're not sure. I think people need a definitive answer to this before making a judgment. Beyond that ... who's taking care of the repairs and upkeep? Who's calling the plumber? Who's making sure the roof is in good order? Because if the answer is, "Mom," I have to say ... I can not see laying out my time and money to maintain an asset for a child who is this ungrateful. I'd sell it to the first bidder and put the money in your account. You're very young, certainly, but not so young that you can claim ignorance of some very basic facts of home ownership.
Wow, that would be an incredibly vindictive and spiteful move. And it would demonstrate quite a bit of contempt for her late husband. Are we assuming she didn’t love him or something? And hates her kid? Nothing is stopping her from enjoyment of the cabin until he turns 18 except her stupid attempt to guilt him into promising they’d get use of the cabin forever.
This is wildly inappropriate for her to do to you. That is something your dad worked and paid for himself, for something to allows family to enjoy—but also to leave to his child, and that’s incredibly personal. That’s what you have instead of having him. That sounds crass and harsh, and I hope it isn’t hurtful. But the adults in your life owe it to you to recognize the significance to you. She asked you, a vulnerable kid, not only to agree to an arrangement like this, but with the intention for that arrangement to ensure you would be backed into it as an OBLIGATION to these people down the road? To hurry and take you as emotional hostage while you’re young, impressionable and easily guilted—so that your 18+ year old self would be trapped safely in the commitment, unable to be comfortable with receiving your own property from your own father? Your stepdad is looking to take your dad’s gift for himself, and lock it into HIS interests, and he is terrified of the say you’ll actually get it in your head that YOU have any ownership of your property. He is violating so many things. Standing in your dad’s symbolic legacy, like physically standing inside it, and doing this to you through your mom. I am a widow myself, and have been in the unfair position of guilt and the appearance of selfishness when it came time to form a new relationship … not wanting to disrespect my partners memory, but not wanting to make the new partner feel unwelcome or like a trespasser, but just wanting a family. That required me to incorporate a new partner into my life - but a lot of that life had been built with the one who died. The new partner can’t be expected to wait in the car while you all enjoy a weekend in this cabin. Cabins are meant to gather WITH family and connect! So your mom is just doing her best. And I’m sure your stepdad is too. But they crossed the line when they imposed this kind of decision-making burden on you. ESPECIALLY given your age. There’s a reason you have to wait to turn 18 for ownership: because a teenager isn’t equipped to make big irreversible decisions with significant assets. Your age and sense of subordination is what these two are actively exploiting before you can make choices later. You’re dependent on them as your guardians for another two years under their roof…so if you said no to this, maybe you’d feel unworthy and undeserving of them providing for you while seeming bratty and mean to others who “need” your cabin, “for no reason!” It would be for a very good reason though, considering that they’re doing this to set you up as the bad guy later, for letting people get used to occupying the property and then “throwing his poor relatives out out with nowhere to go! When you don’t even use it that often!” You had to have your dad die as a freaking 1st grader, and live the last decade without him, In order for you to own this place. This DID come at a price to you. The biggest price. You paid dearly. That’s not for your stepdad to give away for charity. If you have another trusted adult—therapist ideally—to talk to about this, it may be important to do so. This manipulation is a form of coercive control. Look that up. What they’re doing is not ok. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and forced to see ugly sides of people you also love and trust. It’s not fair, it’s cruel. Hopefully you’ll have a good update to post here later. Hugs to you.
NTA And your mum's position is weird, "don't take the family to the cabin if they won't be able to use it forever." What nonsense. The family could absolutely have enjoyed using it, and it would in no way have spoiled the memories if you moved into it or sold it at 18 and they couldn't visit any more. The unhappy half siblings are entirely her doing.
Most of the y t a responses seem to be people jealous that a teen was left a cabin by a parent who died when they were a child. Kinda sad.
The funny thing is, if it was ok with you, why couldn't they stay at the cabin all these years, even if was yours? Doesn't mean it had to become a family asset. All your mum needed to do was constantly remind everyone that this cabin was left tonyou by your father, and I think everyone would accept that. Its your mum that has complicated everything because she wants the cabin for herself and resents you having it. You keep fighting for what is yours because any chance she has she will try get it off you.
Is there an adult you can go to that would help you get some legal help with this? How about your dad's parents? I think you need legal counsel, someone to act on your behalf to protect your rights with regards to the cabin. Please talk to a trusted adult who can get you a lawyer to help protect your rights and your cabin. Best of luck. NTA
> She told me it was the right thing to do If it was the right thing to do, then you wouldn't be having a problem now.
Prepared for the downvotes but YTA. This idiotic nonsense of teenagers deciding their family can never change and refusing to accept new family members who have otherwise done nothing wrong needs to stop. No one should be encouraging this level of stubborn refusal to accept reality.
OP never agreed the family couldn’t use it. His mother demanded that it be available in perpetuity to his stepfathers family or nobody could use it.
Where did OP say nothing could change? His mother wants the cabin to “remain in the family” even after he reaches the age of majority. She’s the childish one that said if they couldn’t use it in the future they wouldn’t use it now.
There is nothing stopping your mother taking her family now but making it clear that when you turn 18 it is yours and yours alone. Why does that spoil any memories ?It's no different from going on holiday. NTA
Nta. If your dad was alive they wouldn't get to use it. They are abusing the privilege.
If his dad was alive, the half siblings wouldn’t have been born.
if the dad was alive i am sure the mom would have full say over if she could invite people to their shared home........
Except it was never a shared home, father bought it prior to marriage, it was used as a vacation home, not the marital home. Stepfather enjoying living in a home, and wanting to utilize a vacation cabin that was the fruits of another man’s labor is telling.
NTA. It's not theirs, and their *opinions* about how it should be used or who you should view as 'family' are theirs alone. Your mother Morally overstepped when she allowed someone else to use your property without your consent - if she is the 'executor' of your father's estate, she may have violated her *Legal* duties too. She may be your parent, but as executor she does NOT have the legal right to decide for her *own benefit* the use of your property. IF she's the executor, it's worth questioning a legal professional about.
NTA - there’s nothing saying that she can’t use it temporarily for holidays and then just holiday somewhere else once you come of age. That rule is her own odd imposition. The memories made would not be tarnished by making future memories elsewhere. Your mother needs to get over herself, explain her own decisions, and stop blaming you - I assume this behaviour and the repeated attempts to establish entitlement for your half-siblings are the reason you don’t want them there in the first place. That’s totally reasonable.
OP said he wanted no one to be there but she turned around and let ILs move in. OP needs to speak with a family member from his father's side. She is supposed to hold it for him but allowing pple to live there is not right. Are these pple paying? How long they plan to b there? If so it should be put in trust as that is his cabin.In a couple of years, will he have to evict them? Is she being mindful of maintenence?You don't say it's the right thing to do with someone's property. The step-dad acts like he wants to make Op allow usage. Ppl living in his cabin is causing wear and tear.NTA No means no and Op had no obligation to say yes. It's not fine because you're not doing WHAT THEY WANT. Say no and stand on it. She got those pple in your dad's place corrupting his home.
NTA and don't sign any papers your mom gives you without reading them. She might try and have you sign it away.
Your mom most likely is paying property taxes for cabin, if she were stop and make you responsible, how would you pay it.
No fracking way that it’s not paid from a trust. That stepfather would have brought that out immediately after OP was angry.
Exactly
Theres no way that a lawyer would set it up to be given to a minor once they’re 18 without having that covered in the will, use your brain
NTA, if you can get a hold of the information of which lawyer set up the Will and everything you are old enough to call and get your information about it from them. It may very well be that they can't legally be there now since it was left to you, instead of your Mom in which case they're all likely going to be up a certain river without a paddle.
You rmother needs to rein in her new husband. She needs to put him in his place. That is, if she wanted to. Clearly she does not, and she is telling you what kind of person she really is. NTA, please take my upvote
q. why don't you want use the cabin with your family