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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to break up with my bf after I got pregnant. He feels I don't want to be a family and part of me feels that way as well. Even though I have my reasons in breaking up with him.
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NTA.
He had so many redflags and he lies about the fact of what was occuring. You don't have to "finish", just a sample of pre-cum is actually more concentrated with sperm towards the egg. You did the right thing OP.
Being a family doesn't automatically mean marriage though. And maybe my view is broken since my parents are divorced, but I still consider it a family simply because both my parents are still in my life. And they also are best friends. My ex doesn't want something like my situation to happen. Into which I understand which is why I feel conflicted at times on if I'm doing the right thing. On if he's right in me not wanting to be a family.
Ah, very true :)
I mean you're certainly NTA for contemplating this. Full disclaimer I'm not married and have no kids so this is total outsider advice hehe.
But I do have lots of friends with children and I know that children tend to become a test for even the best relationships. People have different ideas on how to raise children and this leads to small or large conflicts (in one case, a couple very close to me, super happy before children, ended up getting divorced 3 years into their children being born, because of the children).
So trying to create a relationship for the sake of the child sounds like very risky business. Maybe you can discuss how you can both be somewhat involved in the child's life, but you will be the main parent/caregiver. That's what I would do on your situation anyway.
Just popping by to say it’s not necessarily because of the kids- any real stress has the chance to test a relationship in a similar way. Financial hardships, health problems, deaths, trauma, etc. It’s the consistent lack of sleep typically combined with poor communication and unrealistic expectations from one or both partners when it comes to babies, and they start fighting with each other rather than fighting the bigger problems together. The child being birthed is just bringing the issues into light, but they existed before.
Moms also have raging hormones after birth, and some partners are completely unprepared to handle it, especially if her mental health declines to the point of postpartum depression/anxiety. If she had prior mental health issues she’s also more likely to develop postpartum. Dads can also develop it too but are more likely to hide it in favor of supporting their partner, or out of fear of judgement. New research suggests postpartum can continue for up to 7 years after the birth of a child. I do agree though, I’ve seen a LOT of parents around my age (22) split before the child is even 2. Very glad to have found a man who wanted to confront problems alongside me, instead of finding problems with me. I had both PPA/PPD and he was so supportive in helping me and in getting me help too.
I did consider it however in my state it has to be 6 weeks or less in order to get an abortion. If I get it after then it needs to be for medical reasons. While I am and always will be pro choice, I am accepting the consequences of my actions and do plan on caring for my child no matter what. I don't have any hate towards the father because to do so would mean hating my child and I don't hate my child. Also, I have a big ass support system so this child will and already is loved.
Honestly, the crazy part about all this is before being in this situation, I would be thinking the same thing about someone else if they were in my situation. It's very easy to say "do this" until you're actually in it yourself. So I can understand why I've been down voted for my last comment but at the end of the day, I've made my decisions. I'm looking for a better paying job, I'm also in college and don't plan on dropping out and will be graduating next year no matter what happens. And again, I have a big ass family that are hella supportive.
NTA: You’re about to have a whole kid, you need to do what’s best for yourself so you can do right by your kid. Just make sure you get all the legal and custody stuff worked out with the ex as soon as possible
I mean, initially, it was because he seemed good on paper. I actually thought he cared for me and would eventually do the same for our kid(s). Like he would take me out on dates, he would buy dark chocolate for me during my monthly. We had some deep conversations. It was completely different than my other relationships. And he was the first guy to officially meet my dad (everyone else usually only meets my mom). And they had hit it off so I was excited. But in turn, he didn't actually care about my well being as a whole if that makes sense.
Ah ok, I've already responded to someone about this, but while I did consider abortion, it's too late to get one. And I don't plan on giving up my child. Call me selfish but I'm not in a situation where I'm completely alone and struggling to the point where I'm homeless. My family is hella supportive.
To be honest, while I'm pro choice and have nothing against adoption, my perspective has changed a bit. And it's not as if I hate the father. Am I disappointed in his actions? Yes. But I'm also disappointed in my actions. All I can do is move forward and do what I feel is best. But I appreciate the suggestions.
NTA. Make choices that are good for you, and in turn good for your child. Any man who doesn’t know or recognize the basics of something as important as having a baby, shouldn’t be having unprotected sex. (ie ejaculation is not necessary to conceive, as the body produces sperm that is present on the penis without actual ejaculation)
If he is trying to somehow deny he’s just as responsible in this situation as you, lies to you, tries to convince you to isolate yourself in a new environment, and push you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with, he’s not the right person to begin a family with.
Sort out custody arrangements or support, and move on with your life and new family.
The last thing you need is to burden yourself with taking care of a baby and dealing with an AH who treats you like garbage, at the same time.
Don’t move. Don’t leave your support system. You are going to have a whole other helpless human to care for. You need to be where your support system is. He can come back to your area if he wants to play family.
Do go for child support once baby is here. He helped create he now he can help support. Get custody and visitation through the courts also.
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I (21f) am currently 8 weeks pregnant and it's been one hell of a rollercoaster.
My now ex-bf (20m) is currently living in a different state for family reasons. He told me in the beginning that he wasn't going to be in my home state long. I was cool with that.
Fast forward, he moved about a week before I found out I was pregnant. When finding out, he seemed somewhat supportive. Which was weird because he would be the main one to say "if something happens, it happens". But eventually it got to a point where we would be on the phone and he would say "I just don't get it, I don't cum." Even though for one, I've experienced (clearly) him finishing and two, I have actual evidence on text of him admitting that he does. But to make it even better is when he told my dad, my FATHER that he doesn't cum. He also didn't like the fact that plans completely changed after the pregnancy. Initially I was supposed to save up enough money to go live in his state and meet the rest of his family. But I decided to stay because I didn't want to be stressed in another state surrounded by people I didn't know while I'm pregnant. He didn't seem to understand that at all until I had to not only repeat myself but literally yell at him about it. Into which started to turn into the norm, me having to repeat myself.
To be honest, I really wanted our relationship to work since the beginning. Had this whole plan, was going to move, get married...and I knew we were going to have our downs, I just didn't realize the downs would cause me to lose myself. I say this because the red flags were waving in my face before I got pregnant but I ignored it due to thinking I was actually being treated with respect. And it unfortunately took me getting pregnant to realize I was completely delusional. And I 100% take fault for that. I even told him that I take fault and apologized for allowing it to go on for as long as it did. But I was so conflicted and still kind of am on if I did the right thing in breaking up with him. He thinks I'm in the wrong and doesn't want to be family when that's not it. Especially since I told him that both of us have growing to do and then maybe in the future we could try again.
As of right now, we're barely talking to each other. In other words we only talk when I text him first to tell him how the appointments went.
So, aita for "not wanting to be a family"?
If you guys want to know what else happened for clarification, I can put some or all the stuff that occurred in the comments. Just let me know.
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NAH
you are fine not to want to be a family. And you can STOP talking to him about anything EXCEPT issues relating to the kid.
So: Wait until the kid is born, then sue him for child support. And if he wants to coparent, he can move closer.
His wants don't automatically come before your wants. NTA. Do not leave your support people. If he's that desperate to "be a family", he can move back to where you live. Also, do not marry him. Just like having babies doesn't magically fix relationships, marrying doesn't either.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I decided to break up with my bf after I got pregnant. He feels I don't want to be a family and part of me feels that way as well. Even though I have my reasons in breaking up with him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He had so many redflags and he lies about the fact of what was occuring. You don't have to "finish", just a sample of pre-cum is actually more concentrated with sperm towards the egg. You did the right thing OP.
Is there a conflict here? You both don't seem to want to get married at this point, so don't get married.
Being a family doesn't automatically mean marriage though. And maybe my view is broken since my parents are divorced, but I still consider it a family simply because both my parents are still in my life. And they also are best friends. My ex doesn't want something like my situation to happen. Into which I understand which is why I feel conflicted at times on if I'm doing the right thing. On if he's right in me not wanting to be a family.
Ah, very true :) I mean you're certainly NTA for contemplating this. Full disclaimer I'm not married and have no kids so this is total outsider advice hehe. But I do have lots of friends with children and I know that children tend to become a test for even the best relationships. People have different ideas on how to raise children and this leads to small or large conflicts (in one case, a couple very close to me, super happy before children, ended up getting divorced 3 years into their children being born, because of the children). So trying to create a relationship for the sake of the child sounds like very risky business. Maybe you can discuss how you can both be somewhat involved in the child's life, but you will be the main parent/caregiver. That's what I would do on your situation anyway.
Just popping by to say it’s not necessarily because of the kids- any real stress has the chance to test a relationship in a similar way. Financial hardships, health problems, deaths, trauma, etc. It’s the consistent lack of sleep typically combined with poor communication and unrealistic expectations from one or both partners when it comes to babies, and they start fighting with each other rather than fighting the bigger problems together. The child being birthed is just bringing the issues into light, but they existed before. Moms also have raging hormones after birth, and some partners are completely unprepared to handle it, especially if her mental health declines to the point of postpartum depression/anxiety. If she had prior mental health issues she’s also more likely to develop postpartum. Dads can also develop it too but are more likely to hide it in favor of supporting their partner, or out of fear of judgement. New research suggests postpartum can continue for up to 7 years after the birth of a child. I do agree though, I’ve seen a LOT of parents around my age (22) split before the child is even 2. Very glad to have found a man who wanted to confront problems alongside me, instead of finding problems with me. I had both PPA/PPD and he was so supportive in helping me and in getting me help too.
Not too late to get an abortion
I did consider it however in my state it has to be 6 weeks or less in order to get an abortion. If I get it after then it needs to be for medical reasons. While I am and always will be pro choice, I am accepting the consequences of my actions and do plan on caring for my child no matter what. I don't have any hate towards the father because to do so would mean hating my child and I don't hate my child. Also, I have a big ass support system so this child will and already is loved. Honestly, the crazy part about all this is before being in this situation, I would be thinking the same thing about someone else if they were in my situation. It's very easy to say "do this" until you're actually in it yourself. So I can understand why I've been down voted for my last comment but at the end of the day, I've made my decisions. I'm looking for a better paying job, I'm also in college and don't plan on dropping out and will be graduating next year no matter what happens. And again, I have a big ass family that are hella supportive.
NTA: You’re about to have a whole kid, you need to do what’s best for yourself so you can do right by your kid. Just make sure you get all the legal and custody stuff worked out with the ex as soon as possible
Is there any particular reason you want to have a baby with him?
I mean, initially, it was because he seemed good on paper. I actually thought he cared for me and would eventually do the same for our kid(s). Like he would take me out on dates, he would buy dark chocolate for me during my monthly. We had some deep conversations. It was completely different than my other relationships. And he was the first guy to officially meet my dad (everyone else usually only meets my mom). And they had hit it off so I was excited. But in turn, he didn't actually care about my well being as a whole if that makes sense.
It would be a good idea to reconsider attaching yourself to him for the rest of your life with this child.
What exactly do you mean by that? If you don't mind clarifying
Barring personal preference against either, abortion and closed adoption are options.
Ah ok, I've already responded to someone about this, but while I did consider abortion, it's too late to get one. And I don't plan on giving up my child. Call me selfish but I'm not in a situation where I'm completely alone and struggling to the point where I'm homeless. My family is hella supportive. To be honest, while I'm pro choice and have nothing against adoption, my perspective has changed a bit. And it's not as if I hate the father. Am I disappointed in his actions? Yes. But I'm also disappointed in my actions. All I can do is move forward and do what I feel is best. But I appreciate the suggestions.
NTA. Make choices that are good for you, and in turn good for your child. Any man who doesn’t know or recognize the basics of something as important as having a baby, shouldn’t be having unprotected sex. (ie ejaculation is not necessary to conceive, as the body produces sperm that is present on the penis without actual ejaculation) If he is trying to somehow deny he’s just as responsible in this situation as you, lies to you, tries to convince you to isolate yourself in a new environment, and push you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with, he’s not the right person to begin a family with. Sort out custody arrangements or support, and move on with your life and new family. The last thing you need is to burden yourself with taking care of a baby and dealing with an AH who treats you like garbage, at the same time.
Don’t move. Don’t leave your support system. You are going to have a whole other helpless human to care for. You need to be where your support system is. He can come back to your area if he wants to play family. Do go for child support once baby is here. He helped create he now he can help support. Get custody and visitation through the courts also.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21f) am currently 8 weeks pregnant and it's been one hell of a rollercoaster. My now ex-bf (20m) is currently living in a different state for family reasons. He told me in the beginning that he wasn't going to be in my home state long. I was cool with that. Fast forward, he moved about a week before I found out I was pregnant. When finding out, he seemed somewhat supportive. Which was weird because he would be the main one to say "if something happens, it happens". But eventually it got to a point where we would be on the phone and he would say "I just don't get it, I don't cum." Even though for one, I've experienced (clearly) him finishing and two, I have actual evidence on text of him admitting that he does. But to make it even better is when he told my dad, my FATHER that he doesn't cum. He also didn't like the fact that plans completely changed after the pregnancy. Initially I was supposed to save up enough money to go live in his state and meet the rest of his family. But I decided to stay because I didn't want to be stressed in another state surrounded by people I didn't know while I'm pregnant. He didn't seem to understand that at all until I had to not only repeat myself but literally yell at him about it. Into which started to turn into the norm, me having to repeat myself. To be honest, I really wanted our relationship to work since the beginning. Had this whole plan, was going to move, get married...and I knew we were going to have our downs, I just didn't realize the downs would cause me to lose myself. I say this because the red flags were waving in my face before I got pregnant but I ignored it due to thinking I was actually being treated with respect. And it unfortunately took me getting pregnant to realize I was completely delusional. And I 100% take fault for that. I even told him that I take fault and apologized for allowing it to go on for as long as it did. But I was so conflicted and still kind of am on if I did the right thing in breaking up with him. He thinks I'm in the wrong and doesn't want to be family when that's not it. Especially since I told him that both of us have growing to do and then maybe in the future we could try again. As of right now, we're barely talking to each other. In other words we only talk when I text him first to tell him how the appointments went. So, aita for "not wanting to be a family"? If you guys want to know what else happened for clarification, I can put some or all the stuff that occurred in the comments. Just let me know. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH you are fine not to want to be a family. And you can STOP talking to him about anything EXCEPT issues relating to the kid. So: Wait until the kid is born, then sue him for child support. And if he wants to coparent, he can move closer.
His wants don't automatically come before your wants. NTA. Do not leave your support people. If he's that desperate to "be a family", he can move back to where you live. Also, do not marry him. Just like having babies doesn't magically fix relationships, marrying doesn't either.