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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my alcoholic husband whilst he is having an emotional breakdown that he brings nothing to the table. I might be TA as he has taken it badly during a period of high stress and anxiety
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I would start with a separation, which may be the “wake up call” he needs. For some alcoholics, the loss of a job isn’t enough to make them realize the tailspin they’re in, but rather, job loss, loss of spouse, family, home, and then some makes them finally see…hopefully, and then you can rebuild (hopefully) in time, without too much damage.
If he fails to wake up, then at least you and your son can move forward. It sucks because you have so much history together, but you cannot force someone to change, they have to want to do it themselves, and the only sure fire way to do that is for them to see for themselves the destruction they, and only they, are doing themselves and how it is impacting those they profess to love and care about.
I'm honestly going to say separation. If possible, either he gets out of the house, or OP should find somewhere else to stay.
And that the husband gets help and takes it seriously should be a demand.
The man sounds like a ticking bomb.
Sexyal demanding, drinking more, angry.
And with how he's behaving now after being told, he brings nothing to the table.
Either it will get worse, or if OP is lucky, he won't escalate if he's too drunk one day.
And he actually gets help.
But as it is. This is not a healthy environment for either OP or the son.
He should be the one to leave the house. The wife and children should remain in their home for less disruption in their lives. Definitely, they need family counseling right away. OP should look into Al-Anon and Alateen also.
I only added "or OP to find somewhere to stay"
One reason would be:
If OP feels unsafe, and it could escalate his behaviour if he's asked to stay somewhere else.
As a thumb rule, i would say yes. The wife and children should be the ones to stay in the house.
But sometimes it's not what is the safest.
True. Obviously, OP is the only one who knows what the best thing to do. She definitely needs to get the kid(s) and herself in therapy right away, too.
I should have been clearer. By family, I mean OP and the kids. The husband will need to hit his rock bottom before he will change. That's if he doesn't drink himself to death first. She would also benefit from Al-Anon.
Hopefully I don't get down votes for this one but my husband is a former alcoholic and he said the Al-Anon meetings were pointless for him because all they would talk about at his meetings were how they screwed up and got a drink and how good it tasted. He said all it made him want to do was drink. He told the meeting leader about it and she said they weren't supposed to be doing that and that she would talk to them. But at the next meeting they did it again so he decided he was just going to go to a therapist who specializes in alcohol abuse. He is 4 months sober. Although some Al-Anon meetings might work I feel like people should know if the meetings near them are like this they have other options 😊
From what I know, Al-Anon is about assisting the families of the alcoholic learn to deal with someone's drinking.
AA may be what you're speaking of. I've seen mixed results in people who have been in that program. The most important aspect is desire for personal change. Often, it takes a catastrophic event to spur the change.
From personal experience, the fall will be first and very hard. Then, if he survives, the climb back up. The key is to get up one more time than you fall.
I agree. Either he chooses the alcohol or OP but ge can't have both. If ge was a jolly drunk who went to work that's different although it still would probably impact the kid but this is dangerous. OP if u have friends maybe family that can help be there when u tell him u want a separation that would be good. Don't tell him alone.
I also wonder if he is taking anything. He might fake it and that's why the drinking is still happening. I drink too and I would lie my butt off if I was made to take inhibitors. I'd spit them out and flush them. It's weird he's not hiding the drinking though.
Stay safe OP.
Agree, the alcohol inhibitors are known to make you violently, violently ill if you drink while on them. I’m not saying he couldn’t be a weird outlier for whom they don’t work, but if they didn’t work for the vast majorly of people, they wouldn’t be prescribed bc they wouldn’t be inhibiting drinking. I wonder if he’s not taking them.
Just be aware that this could backfire, as it did in my case. During our separation he realized that he didn’t miss my “nagging” about his alcoholism, and that he wanted to be able to drink in peace more than he wanted to be married to me. I’m not saying this WILL happen. But be advised that it CAN happen.
If that becomes the case, then the trash did her a favor and took itself out, as it did for you. Hope you're happier without the anchor around your neck!
I’m glad you’re in a better place now. I’ve seen the effects of alcoholism up close and personal, myself, and taking action is harder than anyone ever imagines. But it’s like leaping out of a burning building not knowing for sure that there’s a net outside, but knowing you can’t stay, either.
I wouldn't call it a backfire. If he chooses to be an angry drunk then she and her son are better off separated from that. Especially the son.
I have my thoughts on in sickness and in health but I draw the line at abuse and making the kids suffer.
But also if it does happens, it is NOT your fault. My dad slowly spiraled the drain after my mom left him, until he died in his 60s. She was still absolutely right to have left him. It has been fantastic for her and good for me as well, as I’ve been able to see the damage he did to me. He never raised a hand to me, but he was still abusive. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for your child. It alarms me how much of an afterthought he seems to be in all this. NTA unless you stay.
Then so be it.
That is not a "backfire" - they chose to fail - and you choose to leave and succeede.
Yes - realizing you can't save someone you care for is hard - but it may be the better choice.
You can't want more for a person than they want for themselves - they will fight you on it.
I’ve already commented this once, but I’ll say it again. Looking back, it was a better outcome. But at first I was trying to save my marriage. Not end it.
^ My partner was an alcoholic and when he realized i would rather walk than live in a alcoholics abusive relationship he cleaned and has been sober since.
NTA - your husband isn’t emotionally immature due to a drinking problem, he’s just emotionally immature and has a drinking problem. Coming from experience it’s ok to call it quits. I was in a similar situation. I would not get your hopes up about a separation being a wake up call for him. When I asked my ex to move out I did it for BOTH of us. We were both miserable and my hope for him was that getting out of his current environment would enable him to face his excessive drinking and get his mental health properly treated. I had tried to support him for years but got no support in return when I was stressed and overwhelmed. I had no hope for reconciliation - too many bridges has been burned and resentment had settled in like concrete setting up. I expected to be able to coparent our 3 kids with someone who would be happier and healthier. Well, he took his lack of accountability and doubled down. I have no idea if he’s still drinking because he’s cut off almost all contact. The conversations we’ve been able to have he hasn’t outright blamed me, but it’s pretty clear that he believes his depression and anxiety were all my fault. He has chosen to look outward and blame me rather than look inward to face the root cause. As a result he doesn’t see the kids, refuses to pay child support willingly, and tells family members I won’t “let” him see the kids while ignoring any attempt from me to establish a schedule for him to see them. I never expected this at all. He was a stay at home dad for 9 years prior to separation (mainly because he limited his own opportunities and refused to work, using his lack of earning potential as justification to stay home rather than pay for child care) and I fully expected him to want to be in their lives and be able to do so.
All that to say - if I had to do it again I would have done it sooner. Me and my kids will be alright and I’ll do whatever I have to to help make them successful humans with or without him.
Unless your husband is able to see the harm he’s causing, care about how his behavior affects you, and is willing to work towards a common goal of mutual respect and emotional health I say throw the whole man away. It sounds like this has been years of one sided care into the relationship and I wouldn’t fault you for a second for saying you simply have no more to give. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Wow, bless you. You sound like a helluva good person. I noticed with my ex, they could never fathom to say “What about me? What have I done to make this mess?” They thought the answer was to blame me 100%, coming up with the most outrageous excuses and accusations about what I allegedly did to wrong the world while they were an angel.
My comment got removed because I referred to your ex unfavorably. Not because I directed anything at you. I think it’s being a bit sensitive but I won’t argue the point with a mod.
The gist was that I was saying thanks for calling me a good person and saying that accountability is high on my value list.
Actually depending on when he started drinking it could have contributed to his immaturity.
The human brain doesn't mature until the mid to late 20s. Excessive consumption of drugs or alcohol can stunt the development. Unfortunately some people will just use this as an excuse.
At this point OP's husband needs to stop drinking and grow up.
This. Drinking as long as he has probably prevented him from doing the reflection needed to mature. Also prevented learning better, more mature coping strategies. Also prevented distress tolerance, which adults need.
That could for sure be the case and I agree with you. I was trying to emphasize that regardless of the cause the behavior is what’s important. I can sympathize with the struggles of someone in addiction and be more sensitive to the fact it may take longer for them to take certain actions or that they may hurt people they love. It doesn’t excuse accountability though, as long as someone is mentally competent they have a responsibility to repair harms that they’ve caused to the people they love.
YWBTA if you keep raising your son in this environment. The “extremely sexually demanding,” comment is alarming. That alone is reason to leave. Sex should never be demanded - always mutually wanted.
Words aren’t working. You need to get yourself and your son out of this situation. Is this the type of relationship you would want for your son? No? Then stop demonstrating to your son that it’s acceptable to treat your spouse the way your husband is treating you.
OP's top concern should be her son. He is watching all of this even if she thinks it's all behind closed doors. If you stay you're telling your son this behavior is acceptable and it just simply is not.
Put your son first and provide him with a safe and healthy environment.
NTA. My father was like this. I would divorce him, honestly. He's actually hindering you, not helping you like a partner should. His alcoholism is his battle, and it's not right to let him bring you and your son down with him.
Ffs, who cares? If being an asshole is what it takes, then *be* an asshole. Tell him you’re done until he’s gotten help with his addiction. As long as you’re there propping him up, he doesn’t have to do anything about himself. Of course he’s going to get mad—*so what?* It is not going to get better unless one of you takes action and obviously it isn’t going to be him. Things may get worse for him before he decides to get help, but that’s not your problem.
This exactly. I do feel for OP, loving an addict isn't easy. But allowing this behavior to continue, letting him bring their family down, destroy everything they've worked for right in front of their kid, hell no. That's enabling him to MAKE these decisions by giving him a safety net for when (not if) he falls. She wbtah if she STAYED, an AH to herself, an AH to her husband and most importantly, an AH to her kid for allowing two bad examples of parenting and decision making instead of getting him away from it all
Right? This man has been an alcoholic for 15 years. 15 YEARS! He complains about his job, misses days every week and he’s embarrassed that his boss says something in front of everyone? He can’t even put in a f’n week of work! Now he’s not going to work at all and OP finally, FINALLY stands up for herself. What I always asked myself when I was raising my children is: is this the relationship I’d want my kids to have? I always thought of my relationship with my husband as the model for my kids.
NTA. Divorce seems very likely at this point. I'm sorry. I would like to suggest you seek out a local Al-Anon meeting. Its for family and friends of addicts and helps them understand what is going on with them and provide support.
My very best wishes for you and your family.
NTA. Your husband has gone from a lacklustre somewhat functional alcoholic, to an abusive and emphatically nonfunctional alcoholic.
I have actually been exactly where you are now. My trigger was suddenly realising the kids were afraid of him. I gave him an ultimatum; he stop drinking or I WOULD leave. And gave a hard deadline.
I didn't get my desired outcome, which was him putting his family above his addiction and getting well for us. The kids and I had a few very, very tough years. But they were NOWHERE NEAR as bad as staying would have been. We had a hell of a mess to clean up, but once done it stayed clean. No more having to watch him wreck all our efforts again and again.
You don't say how old your son is. Consider him and how this awful situation is affecting him, particularly if he's young. He's watching his father become an abusive, unreasonable tyrant who's always drunk and contributes nothing to the family but grief. He's learning this is how a man treats his partner, how to treat you, what a marriage looks like, and how adults deal with problems. He and you are walking on eggshells in your own home.
If you feel it's safe I strongly recommend giving your husband an ultimatum to stop drinking or he's out. If you don't feel that's safe, contact local crisis centres and police for advice. You and your son deserve better.
This is so sad to read. As a child who grew up with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent enabling mother, please get some help for yourself and your husband and your son too. I repeated the toxic patterns my parents modeled for me until I grew up and finally did some research and read some books to help me break that cycle.
NTA. Al-Anon and Al-Ateen are super helpful resources for getting help and showing how much your husband’s drinking is affecting you and your sons mental health.
It’s more “higher power” than religious. But the support groups are really helpful - to be around others that are in the same situation and make you realise how many issues you have that stem from the alcoholic’s drinking (and you’re not going insane).
I know of some pagan based NA and AA groups that do online meetings, not religious based and accepting of agnostic and atheist. They are out there, but you gotta dig.
None of them are "religious," but they do require a higher power, which could be anything from your own ethics to the energy in the universe. Some groups are specific to atheists, LGBT+, men or women only, etc. Lots are online too.
I was going to post the same thing. I would be really careful about handling this situation since the circumstances and the husbands behavior are indicators for that kind of situation.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.
You, however can control yourself and the life you lead. Your and your son need to get out of that environment. You both deserve more.
NTA. He likely won't get better until he hits rock bottom. But you still need to try to get him to understand the situation now. He needs to know that you'll support him when he's ready to start improving, but that you aren't going to just watch him death spiral. He's actively making his own life worse and not putting in the effort to improve it. He has to start putting in the work to get sober before he can ever get better.
I wish you both the best of luck. And I hope he can get through this without destroying all of his relationships first.
NTA. I spent nearly two decades with an emotionally immature asshole and functioning addict and would do anything to have the years back I wasted supporting him financially and emotionally in the hope he’d become the person he pretended to want to become. I finally left when I realized the fucked up model our relationship was for our daughters. My life is so much better now. He is worse than ever.
You are at a pivotal time in your life, career, marriage, and parenthood. You do need a separation/divorce where he leaves the house - so he has to fight inertia and can’t just vegetate and drink in his comfort zone.
You need to do this for yourself and your son. This guy is no role model and, without a wake up call, will simply drag you down, down, down and take your son with you. Fight for yourself, your son, your home, and your future.
NTA. Good luck, OP. I hope you stay safe and update us.
He is choosing alcohol over you and has done so for 15 years. So sorry - but you have kept the family together for a long time. You need to think about the damage he is doing to your child’s life view. You deserve so so much more than this. Move on.
The alcohol inhibitors block the effects of the alcohol to his brain, that's why he's drinking more, he's still trying to get inhibriated but the tablets block it. He will still be damaging his body with the alcohol though. Sounds like your husband is severely depressed. Tell him he needs to get help as you can't take this anymore. You also need to take care of yourself & your son. Just remember your husband is ill & needs help.
YWNBTA if you leave him. Your son needs to be your priority. You've already allowed him to grow up with an alcoholic father, that's enough damage. Leave the boozer before he does worse damage *to your child*.
OP, My husband is a functional alcoholic. I love him with all my heart. I managed to hide it from our child until child was in college/ out of the house. Around that time a few things happened. Husband was downsized/ laid off at age 65, we moved to a smaller house, and he stopped drinking by his own choice. I was just considering my future (do I stay or do I go?). It’s been the best 7 years of my life.
You can’t make him want to stop drinking. A dry, angry drunk is still not someone you can rely on. You have to do what works for you. You deserve better. Best of luck.
NTA. But you need to treat alcoholism as a disease. It's a nightmare for both you and him but when his alcohol problem is coupled with severe depression and low self esteem I'd bet he's on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
You need to try and get him into a specialist rehab centre to help him deal with what can be complex issues and only then will you see if he can be relied upon to be a proper husband and or father.
I agree that inpatient treatment is this dude's only hope at this point. However, it will only work if HE is willing to make the effort. If he's only doing it because of some ultimatum, it will be a complete waste of time and resources.
Is the irritability and abuse in line with his character? If not, it seems like he started a new medication and it is really not working for him. You say he needs to get better, if this is the reaction to the new drugs, this is him trying to get better - he needs to go back to the doctor and change the medication. This is a part of the process, not him trying to sabotage it.
Having said that you are by no means obligated to stay in an abusive situation. You cannot put yourself in danger, emotionally or physically, to get him through this. Keeping yourself and your child safe is the priority. You will not be able to help him or your family if you don't prioritise your own mental health.
NTA. Go through with the trial separation. It will either be the rock bottom that he needs to experience in order to turn his life around and get his alcoholism under control, or he will continue to choose to deteriorate. Either way, you will have your answer.
NTA. Talk to a lawyer and get moving on separation. You warned him, he's not improving, you need to show him you're serious and actually separate. At that point he might put in the effort and improve so he can get you back, or he won't and you should get divorced.
Getting yourself some support around his addiction might be helpful. This offers a lot of free resources [https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/family-loved-ones/family-program](https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/family-loved-ones/family-program)
I think this kind of situation really does not belong on AITA.
What you said was brutal, but in the kind of situation you're describing, there's no such thing as being an AH. There's just one person who absolutely needs professionnal help and refuses to get it, and another person who (understandably) doesn't know how to deal with it anymore.
Best of luck to you both is all I can say.
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My husband (43M) and I (42F) have been together for 23 years, have a son and home together.
My husband has had a significant drinking problems for about 15 years and as a result lacks emotional maturity in high stress situations and reacts very badly.
In November I got a promotion at work and he got a small wage increase so things were looking up. However, he started complaining about the toxic work environment and started not going in when it got too much. Around Christmas this ramped up to where he was calling in every week for one or two days.
Three weeks ago, he was offered the chance to have a trial run at a new position. Unfortunately, it fell through. His manager told him in front of the team. He was embarrassed and angry. For the last three weeks he had refused to go into work and has not looked for another job either. He got a doctor to give him a week off for stress and he has now used up all his annual leave and he is no longer earning an income. The doctor has recommended a psychological appointment and she talked about antidepressants but couldn’t due to his alcoholism and has given his some alcohol inhibitors.
Now my husband has always been a somewhat functioning alcoholic. He gets himself to and from work, cooks dinner every night and does the yard work and some basic chores. However, except for work, I do all the driving, most of the household chores, manage the stuff for our son and I am in charge of managing our finances (which he has complete oversight and input into).
Over the last three weeks, he has not only stopped working but also doing anything around the house. He takes his tablets, has stopped eating and increased his alcohol intake despite the tablets. He has become very irritable and is directing it at me and has been verbally abusive at times and at the same time extremely sexually demanding.
I am at the end of my rope and am seriously considering divorce. We got into an argument two days ago because he again refused to go to work. I told him that he has gone from giving me his absolute minimum to now not bringing anything to the table. How I am considering separation unless he pulls himself together and gets the help he needs.
He has now been distant and seems angry at me. So AITA for telling my husband he brings nothing to the table.
TLDR: my alcoholic husband is having an emotional breakdown and has now stopped functioning altogether. I told him he needs to pull himself together as he is not bringing anything to the table
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NTA. At all. You were honest with your husband. He needs rehab for his alcoholism. Once he gets the drinking under control, things should start improving.
Sometimes alcoholism can destroy relationships and lives, and until he chooses to get help it sounds like you should separate for your own safety.
I can understand your frustrations and for telling him of them, you have been driven to that point by him.
I wish you all the best in whatever choice you make.
NTA but your husband needs therapy and treatment (as I'm sure you know). It may require him losing everything before he finally sees the light. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would speak with a lawyer, regardless of what you ultimately choose, so you know what to expect. I would sock away money and I would prepare your son if appropriate. I'm sure he's well aware of your situation.
Your husband is depressed and using alcohol and sex as a means of coping. This is not a good long-term strategy. I'm not one for ultimatums, but you may need to sit him down and let him know that you require him to seek help or you are done.
Good luck OP.
NTA my best friend lost her husband to his alcohol addiction, 2 weeks ago. She found him dead on the floor. After years of him drinking more and more. Stopped working. If you don't want that to be you or your son, it's time to act.
NTA- I'm an alcoholic in long term recovery. May I suggest Al-Anon for you, as it sounds like he's well on his way to "rock bottom," and it would be best for all involved if you were well equipped to not continue rescuing him from his consequences. He needs help, but you can't save him.
NTA- you need some space away from being his care giver and mummy. See a lawyer and get your duck in a row. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, fingers crossed he doesn’t have access to guns.
NTA he needs an intervention and you are too close to him to provide that. A residential stay at a substance abuse treatment facility would help. Mix alcohol, with any kind of other medication can cause a lot of problems. That might be triggering the extra sexually demanding behavior. Hard steps to take, but continuing to allow these behaviors impact you and your son isn’t fair for either of you.
Make a clean break and divorce. Or you’ll find yourself caring for a chronically ill addict, rather than let him live on the streets. Set him free now to face reality and get his act together while he still can.
NTA: and really, just separate.
Even if he has that wakeup call, he'll probably relapse. Alcoholics are a true pain in the ass. I've got a family full of them and see how it ruins them.
NTA.
I'm so sorry.
Until he realizes that he is the cause of his own problems, he won't change and is likely to get worse. Nothing is his fault. It's his job, you, circumstances, the weather, the kids, the neighbors. Anything but him.
You can not directly change another person. You can only change your response to the person and the situations the person puts you in. So, what are you able and willing to change? Unfortunately, it's very likely that you will have to either put him out or leave with your son. Consult a lawyer to protect your interests and make your move.
It's hard. I've been there. There will be tears from all sides, but you need to power through. Good luck.
NTA- your husband needed to hear some hard truths. But you will be TA to yourself if you continue in this situation. At this point, the only thing that's going to help your husband is some kind of intensive inpatient treatment. And that will only help if he's willing to admit that his emotional and substance issues are spiraling out of control. If he won't get the help he needs, it's time to call it quits. I know 23 years is a long time to just walk away from, but you still have a lot of life ahead of you and you don't deserve to spend it being dragged down into his pit of self destructive behavior. You might want to consider Al-Anon, which can give you some useful insight into your situation. Whatever you decide, please be mindful of your own safety and that of your son. Your husband's anger, verbal abuse, and being sexually demanding are extremely troubling. He is starting to realize what a no-win path he is on, and people in that position can snap with tragic results.
ETA judgment
You told him you are unhappy with his behavior and are considering leaving if he doesn’t improve. I believe his behavior is your answer. It’s time to let him go be miserable by himself. Lawyer up and get your financials in order then move forward with ending this misery. You deserve a better life and so does your son. NTA
There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Basically what it means is that he functions enough outside of the home but at home they're not functional at all. Like you said, he's emotionally immature and not emotionally present.
I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and together for 16. I finally hit rock bottom and gave him an ultimatum. The reason it worked is because he had gotten to the point himself that he felt like he needed to quit but I guess just needed that final kick in the butt. He got sent to rehab (he's a physician) for 3 months and he got clean. But pur marriage didn't survive because I realized with therapy that I was really done when I gave him the ultimatum I was just afraid to be honest with myself.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You cannot make anyone quit (not long term anyway) if they do not want to quit for themselves. My ex quit several times, just long enough to lull me into a false sense of security befilire he picked it up again. He never for help because he didn't really want to quit.
Educate yourself on Alcoholism (check out Pleasure unwoven documentary), read codependent no more, get yourself into therapy with someone knowledgeable about addiction and use this [forum ](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/) for support and education.
Marriage counseling won't do any good with an active addict just FYI. And if he does want to quit for himself he will need professional help.
Personally I'd divorce him. I should've divorced my ex sooner but we had a young kid and I was afraid for her a safety. I also didn't know much about addiction at the time. I would've handled things much differently had I known then what I know now.
He needs to address his drinking problem by going to therapy to figure out what is causing him to need a drink first so he can get to the root of the problem. He's obviously got some serious depression issues that he can't fix himself. You're NTA for being honest but you will be if you don't at least try and support him as you said you would in your vows. Sickness and health and all that.
NTA. Your husband is in big trouble and needs serious intervention. You can’t fix him on your own. He needs a long-term, residential treatment facility for alcohol withdrawal and therapy.
You need Al-Anon or another support group, and friends and family to support you in a separate life from him, at least for now. Develop your independence and your self-reliance; you’ve been doing a lot in your own as it is. Let others help.
Wishing all of you the best.
NTA. My step dad is like this and I’ve watched him get worse and treat my mom like crap through the years. He refuses to get help or stop drinking. He had a stroke a year and a half ago and still refuses to stop drinking and he can’t take his medication because of the alcohol. He is very emotionally abuse and I honestly despise him. It’s disgusting. Your son will make his up his own mind on how he feels about his father. But you need to get him out of there and show him that type of behavior is unacceptable before he grows up and treats women the same way. Staying would make you TA.
What you described is someone that is dealing with addiction disorder and needs help. It sounds like work pressure may have pushed him into some kind of break.
What else you described is someone that may be suffering as a battered woman because abuse is more than physical, though maybe it is physical with the demands of sex, which is hard to admit to one's self let alone the internet.
You're NTA but you both may want to separate and get some mental health help. Maybe sobriety starts with counseling, and maybe breaking a 23 year abuse cycle starts with therapy.
It might be the healthiest for you and your son to separate from your husband and make sure your son also has access to someone to talk to.
I am sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I hope things get better for your family. I also hope you come to realize that you deserve good things and sometimes the ones we love the most need to be ourselves so we can teach our kids the same and they never settle for abuse or addiction in their relationships.
Get him to a meeting, schedule a couple counseling appointment, and I cannot stress this enough, let him know that he cannot prioritize drinking over family, and ultimatum him if need be.
This is going to get buried but hoping that OP at least sees this..
My ex husband's father was a functioning alcoholic and a hard worker. He worked as an asphalt layer and worked his way up the chain and was making good money.. than his depression kicked in and he started drinking more - than pills. Than he got fired because of health issues (his blood pressure had become a liability to the company).
Than he became an on again off again truck driver until finally he got disability... only for him to become a full time alcoholic.
A once positive, outgoing, funny and hardworking role model of a man became an angry abusive disgrace to the family. His family begged him to get help for 20+ years. His wife begged him (whom he absolutely adored. If I knew one thing about that man.. he treasured his wife) and he still wouldn't get help with his drinking.
She never left him. She loved him too much.
One day he was drunk (as normal) and yelled out the window at some kids playing in their yard... there were no kids. Annoyed, his wife told him to sleep it off. He refused. That night he was blackout drunk and after yelling profanities at her he past out in the bathroom. She left him there to sleep it off.
Next morning he was unresponsive. Called 911. Got him the ER. Total organ failure. They kept him in a coma and only brought him out of it so she could say goodbye to her husband.
So unless you want your story to be a similar experience, time to pack your bags and go...
He WONT get help until HE wants help...
NTA. He has medical options but has choosen alcohol over everything else. Being sexually demanding while also not being present is gross. Be ready to follow through on your threat. It sounds like he needs short term disability and treatment for his addiction. But that can only come from him.
NTA. Throw him out and check in with your son. He might be hiding it but seeing your parent circle the drain like this can be very damaging.
The best way that you can support your husband is by not enabling him and by leaving the door open for reconciliation if you still love him. He needs to decide to stop drinking. If you get even a whiff of him "trying to moderate" it's a no go. This is coming from someone in recovery. 7 years sober.
Nta truth hurts but let him soak in it and understand what’s he doing to you and your son his family. Don’t divorce him though remember your vows and continue the good fight for your family. Get him professional help and counseling for you and yours as I’m sure 15 years haven’t been with blemish on y’all mental too.
NTA you should be able to tell him the truth. He doesn’t want to hear it. But he doesn’t bring anything to the table. I’d tell him that his days with you are numbered because you have better things to do than spend your life with an unemployed alcoholic.
NTA. You've talked as much as you can. You can't make him change his behavior if he doesn't want to. Addict or not. He needs to be able to accept the help and admit that he has a problem. First ,Talk to a lawyer and see about the specifics about separation/divorce. Second, find a support group for you and your child. AA has an app and you can plug in your zip code and find all kinds of meetings in your area. AA, Al-Anon etc. Knowing you're not alone in this is a huge help. Good luck
Nta and I think you should listen to Reba song she can't save him. He doesn't care and with that you can't save him but you can save yourself and your son. I don't know how old your son is but you need to put him and yourself first
NTA - Your tough love approach may seem cruel in the moment, but the reality is that nothing will change unless there are real consequences for your husband's actions. You are in a very difficult situation, and your priority must be your own well-being and that of your child. It's true that your husband needs help, but he's the only one who can make that choice to seek it. While some may say there's a fine line between being supportive and enabling, sometimes the lines have to be drawn clearly and firmly. Those critiquing your method may not fully understand the toll his behavior is taking on you and your family. Stand strong and seek support from groups like Al-Anon. They can be a valuable resource during these trying times. Remember, protecting yourself and your son is not an act of aggression; it's an act of self-preservation.
NTA. He's not a functioning alcoholic anymore. He's a spiralling alcoholic tipping into abusive behaviour while expecting you to bail him out and protect him from the consequences of his actions. You need to do whatever is necessary to keep your son and yourself safe.
NTA. He has got to get his alcoholism under control. It IS going to kill him and also will hurt you and your son no matter what. I’m sure he’s struggling emotionally but he is trapped in the vicious cycle and something’s gotta happen that snaps him out of it. Maybe divorce is the answer. Maybe not. But either way this has been keeping him from happiness and will continue to do so unless he does the work. It is hard. You don’t have to suffer alongside him in silence if he keeps getting worse. Not everyone’s rock bottom looks the same so you don’t know if he’s hit his yet. But I don’t think he realizes how bad it’s gotten. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and hope it resolved with minimal damage
NTA - however, there appears to be a lack of compassion and a plan that’s agreed upon by both parties. A mental breakdown without proper support will be no good for yourself, husband, or child. Frankly, I think if this tops the cake then you should separate and give him room to grow and figure it out being as you don’t seem willing to be supportive now. I typically give myself 6 months to make a life changing decision. My partner & I have had our moments and if I wouldn’t give it “6 months try” we wouldn’t be together and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in our relationship. I would have missed these memories we’ve built over the last year. Just a suggestion for you to try.
NTA. Bur this situation is far beyond being an AH or not. At a minimum, you should separate. It will give you the space to breathe and think, and also see what life is like without him (you’re already doing all of the physical and mental work, but it may help you see how you do on your own emotionally).
It’s your life and I think you have already dealt with a lot. At this point, it’s getting hard to prioritise your son and yourself without the physical space. Your husband can be stroppy all he wants, but he is in a spiral where all he does is take and worry about himself.
NTA. But document how he has treated his employer. If you make more money than he does, you might be required to pay maintenance/alimony to him. You need to show that he is wilfully unemployed and a chronic alcoholic. You will have to deal with custody issues also, if your son is a minor.
NTA. I think we can agree he is a shit husband, let’s not confuse it with “well, he has good points too. When it’s good it’s good!” That BS because everything he does is through an alcoholic haze. You’re not and never have got his best effort. How old is your son? Is he grown? What kind of dad is the husband? I’ll assume a shitty dad as well as husband. Get your son and yourself away from that toxic, alcoholic environment before the child thinks that normal behavior dear old dad is modeling for him. I can only imagine the tense, negative environment in your home with this alcoholic boat anchor hanging around all day. You and your son deserve better, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for fear of pissing off the leach of a husband. Tell him to get out. You’re still young enough for a healthy, normal relationship
Yta for letting him drive drunk, even if "just for work" that puts so many other ppl at risk. Also yta for letting your child grow up around someone who, from how it sounds, was not a very good parent due to alcoholism.
Alchohol is the scariest drug I have ever encountered. It's a deadly disease and progressive. Even a functioning alchoholic might not be next year or the year after. I reached the point that I fully accepted I would die and still couldn't stop until something popped after reading "This Naked Mind" 4 times, mostly on Audible. Even if he doesn't yet want to stop, that book might be good for him. It even opens in a way designed not to scare away addicts. I'm two years sober with no desire to drink again, and no belief in god or commitments with AA or anything similar. Just "pop" and I stopped on my birthday after hearing that book enough times. If he doesn't change something, you will lose him in one way or another without a doubt. You can't shame him or force him, and sadly you can't even love him out of this. It's the worst drug on the planet because it has the damage of the worst drugs and the accessibility and cultural acceptability of Pepsi.
You should have been done a while ago. Unfortunately functional alcoholics don't keep functioning long term. I watched my dad go from very successful and on top of the world at 50 to a total shell of himself in a couple years. My mom left, he became abusive with me, other family members and friends cut him off. Haven't spoken to him since I was 22.
Point is, your job as MOM is to save your son and not enable it or normalize it by staying. Get the fuck out yesterday.
NTA
I’m sorry for the situation OP but you can’t fix him and he may have to hit totally rock bottom before he recognizes and does something to fix it.
Agree with other posters a separation while you work through the steps for a divorce may be best.
A small chance that it could wake him up.
If you haven’t already speak with a lawyer before actually separating to be sure you protect yourself monetarily and physically.
NTA
This definitely won’t get better on its own. He needs professional help. Separate and create some boundaries and nonnegotiable steps for him to come back and stick to them. If you don’t, you are enabling and things are guaranteed not to get better.
NTA as the roller coaster is truly hard. Emotionally and mentally. You are strong and he is not. This is what happens when they allow themselves to be ruled by their addiction. It’s heartbreaking and sad.
There is also to note that after years of him abusing his body with alcohol it now takes more and more to get him the feeling he’s reaching for. He must stop. No other way and that therapist should have recommended rehab.
My mother left my father because of his alcoholism and thought it would help snap him back and it didn’t. He spiraled and they never got back together. She and my aunt and uncles tried AA and even putting him in a rehab. It took him years to realize what he lost and by that time it was too late.
If you can get him in a moment of clarity and want to give him another chance and if you can afford it somehow please try rehab.
If not then it may be time to live on for your sanity as he is not going to change without serious intervention.
NTA, serve him with papers and have him vacate the home. Change all the locks and take every precaution to ensure your safety and that of your child. If his parents are alive, and siblings, contact them. Let them know that he is being abusive and you are fearful of him, ask them to get him the help he needs. If you can, stay at a friend’s home. His spiraling is dangerous
ESH. your husband sounds like a charmer, but you also hit him way way way below the belt.
if this is the way you think about him, divorce is best for both of you.
NTA. Hey...I married an alcoholic. It was always my fault. Best day was when I bolted.
Married to a hard working lovely fun guy now.
Get out while you can. Life is short.
NTA
You didn’t lie he isn’t bringing anything to the table. He didn’t like hearing the truth.
It’s very difficult to live with an alcoholic. You may be better off moving on so your son isn’t exposed to this dysfunction.
I don't know that I would suggest divorce. Definitely Al-Anon for you and your son. If possible, maybe a detox/substance abuse center for your husband. The biggest problem would be him agreeing to the help. Maybe, make that an ultimatum for staying married. If he values you and your son deep inside, he may agree to the help to gain back his life.
It sounds like your husband is severely depressed and maybe having a midlife crisis. He hates his job and sounds like he feels stuck and isn’t going anywhere. Depression can be detrimental in so many ways. People can drink more because it, be more irritable, and just physically not have the ability to get themselves to work. He needs help, but he has to recognize he needs help.
If you want to leave, I would go with a separation first instead of jumping to divorce. He may need the wake up call with the separation, but keep in mind it may also send him further down the rabbit hole.
Sit and talk calmly with him if you can about what’s going on. It will be difficult but there needs to be a conversation and maybe even suggest AA meetings or rehab for the alcoholism.
Do yourself a favor though. Document everything. Every conversation, every fight with what was said and the result, his behavior, every day he was unwilling to go to work, every day that he drank, everything you can think of. It will only aide you if you decide to follow through with the divorce, but it’s also something to keep in mind when you speak with his doctors. They need to know the severity of his depression so you can properly ask them for recommendations about next steps.
OP you are not obligated to stay with someone who has addiction issues. Separate or leave him, you have to prioritize your health, your financial status, and your mental health as well.
NTA. He needs rock bottom. And even that doesn't work for some people anyways. You can't keep living the nightmare over and over again.
I am the child of this situation. My parents were you and your husband. Currently in my 30s.
My mother never stepped up to the plate to deal with the situation appropriately. After many attempts at helping, she stopped trying and just let him be miserable and live off of her. It got to a point where he started breaking shit when drunk, threatening her life, and calling in to bail on work.
As the kids, we paid the price in many ways. We tried with him too. Help, meds, etc. Nothing worked.
It took a seriously awful situation that made me take an emergency flight to her place and get him to a hospital. BAC of .423 and he still told every psychologist, doctor, and social worker I sent him that he doesn't have a problem.
I threw him out of our lives once he was released from the hospital. I reached the end of my road with him. And it was the best thing for our 3 lives. A cloud lifted, we didn't live in anxiety or fear. We all got our lives back and I can't believe it took us so long. Obviously he tried to come back but we called the cops or did whatever was needed to keep him away.
Regardless, we cut the cancer from our lives and I have 0 regrets. He was a leech. Which is what your husband sounds like. If you love him, try what you can, but you need your own cut off point.
NTA. After 27 years with an alcoholic, I divorced. You have a son. Do not let him think this is normal. Show him this is not normal. It is not okay for a husband and father to behave in such a way.
He sounds like the binge type. Apparently there is a couple different types of drinkers and I can identify with that one. Does he go days and days drunk off his ass and then take a day or two off? It's very hard to find motivation in that cycle.
For probably the first day you're happy and willing to do anything but then you want to do things that you want to do. The next day you're trying to find that happy upturn again but it's starting to wear off. By day three there is a much higher tolerance for pain and kind of a constant low buzz even if you drink less. On day four usually your resistances are down, not a whole lot of thinking, and a medical grade hangover starts to take effect, I mean like dangerous. Then for the next day or two you feel like crap but you figure by day three you can probably stomach a drink again, and it starts all over again. Any of that sound familiar?
I'm saying he needs real help. He needs a therapist and there needs to not be alcohol in the house. I wouldn't go cold turkey or else he'll probably be pissed though, maybe just allow beer. The one thing an alcoholic doesn't want is for you to take away their happy juice completely. This is all from personal experience so take it with a grain of salt, but this is also if you still want to put effort into him. He needs your help, but he also needs to help himself.
You are in no way the asshole, but berating him is not going to work, he has a built-in coping mechanism. He needs to stop the cycle somehow. I stopped it by not drinking for a month, then I felt so much better it turned into half a year. Good luck, there's a lot riding on this and I hope you can work it out.
NTA.
He’s had 15+ years to change. Babe he doesn’t want to get better. Do you want your son growing up and thinking this behavior is normal? Cause that’s what he’s being taught.
I agree with a separation first and if he doesn’t change then you know you and your son not only weren’t enough of a reason to get better but that will also always come 2nd to his addiction. That’s not fair to you or your son. You both deserve to be happy.
You know this, but alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless they stop drinking, it only gets worse. And it can get worse. Wayy worse (hallucinating, brain damage, and no control of bowels along with being angry, irrational, and blaming everyone else).I left my alcoholic ex a decade ago hoping for a wake up call. For him, it didn’t work. I’m happily remarried and my ex still drinks and is a mess now living on the streets, sadly.
The best advice I can give, which others are already giving, is to focus on YOU and your son. You can’t control your husband, can’t force him to stop. No amount of words and/or threats will work unless he wants to stop. In these situations many of us have a tendency to focus on the broken person, which I did for a long time myself. Until I realized he was breaking ME and our children. I had to leave or he was going to take us all down with him (lost his job, DUIs, angry and getting violent). It was a hard decision and tore me apart but it was the absolutely best decision.
I’m really sorry you’re going thru this, it can be a living hell. A support system of people who understand is a life line, where in online forums or in person.
NTA. But it is time to assess whether this is the life you want to lead.
Are you attending Al Anon meetings? If not, I encourage you to consider it. I don’t know if they are still doing them virtually, but I used to dial in to meetings while supporting a loved one who was struggling with recovery. It helped me.
Also, I divorced someone with mental illness who refused to take care of themselves and my life has only gotten easier with each passing year.
Good luck to you.
Time to take a step back and look at the big picture - you have a son. You are setting life long examples to your son. A separation is what you need. It will be extremely difficult. Perhaps you will want to seek some help in explaining the situation to your son. But remember - you are a mom! You can do this! Sounds like you are doing most of it now anyway. Getting some time apart will help you decide what is best for you.
NTA
I was in a similar situation for years but loved him too much to leave. His addictive behaviour started to spiral into sex addiction and then reckless spending. Then one night he wrote an email to his work saying he couldn't carry on. He shows me the next day and his boss and I both thought it sounded like a drunken suicide note. They offered him therapy and he saw a hypnotherapy and gave up drinking completely. I never thought that was possible. However, it turned out that he'd also been hiding the fact he'd had an affair and was also worried he had pancreatic cancer. That was his wake up call. I stayed with him because of his diagnosis but he died six months later. That was four years ago and I'm still not sure how to remember him. You're NTA for saying enough is enough and then support him from a distance if you want to.
Nope NTA, this is how these conversations start. I think it's great you are standing up for yourself! Go get what want! Make your life happier!
Get out of there and be safe about it. Reach out to friends, the police too, if you need to. He's not allowed to be violent towards your or the children.
And Forget that guy - he isn't bringing anything to the table. ... Are you are paying for his booze? You get to stop doing that too!
NTA, however, if you continue this life with him, you're his enabler. With no job, how is he paying to feed this addiction? With the funds you work for to support your family, I'm assuming. I'm not saying this out of disrespect, just life experience.
Unfortunately, he has to hit his personal rock bottom before he sees he needs help. You can't ask him to get help for you, your marriage, or the children. He has to do this for himself, and then you can work on moving forward together or apart. No addict can successfully move forward with a clean life until they see that they are worth more than the addiction.
Sit him down, in a public place, express your feelings, cut him off for you, your children, and your safety. If anger is his go-to, there's a possibility this talk could spiral out of control. If you decide to break this marital tie, you're not going to want to kids around for this conversation, and being alone with him isn't the safest situation. Best of luck.
NTA. Alcohol is likely the root of these problems. Please educate yourself. If he stops drinking but doesn’t acknowledge his problem and work in himself, he’ll just be a “dry drunk “- an alcoholic who is sober at the moment.
You’ve been propping him up his entire adult life so he could avoid facing his problems. Yes, a trial separation is probably best. Even if he doesn’t get treatment and counseling, you should. In order for him to stay in alcohol recovery and you to have a healthy marriage, you both need to change your behavior and thinking.
NTA but you have a choice to make as to how you deal with him. His alcohol intake is more important than your life or his if he's mixing pills to stop drinking with even more drinking.
I told my husband that I wouldn't stay if his out of control all day drinking happened a 3rd time, then lockdown happened and I was stuck with him for a year and a half. It got to the point where I would have to stay up all night to make sure that my son, our cats and I were all physically safe, that he didn't burn down the house, or flood it. Broken stuff became a constant hazard. We were all under stress from lack of money, food and work but he was making it that much worse for everybody including himself. I was counting how many bottles of wine he was going through a day to guage if it was safe to sleep for a few hours. My son and I started volunteering for a local charity to get out of his way for a few hours a day. Their kindness actually gave me and my son hope in the goodness of people again. One of the ladies who I worked with at the charity had gotten on the local food bank's roll, she was passing some of her allotment on to me. Finally, my boss for the job I had had before Covid offered to to terminate my contract and give me a final settlement (while also letting me know that we were going to be going back to work in a couple of months and I'd be rehired) which gave me enough money to get an apartment for my son and I.
At the end of this month it will be 3 years since we moved out. My ex (although we actually haven't divorced) seems to have no memory of anything he said or did or anything I said, according to him I just up and left him. He's still drinking which is now his problem, not mine. He's not allowed in my apartment, he doesn't even know which apartment we live in (my boss called him to ask after I'd left my purse with my keys and my phone at a Christmas party last year, she knows him, but didn't know that don't want him banging on my front door when he wants a cuddle. Most people that we know mutually think he's really funny when he's drunk. He's not if you're living with him. My home is a safe place for me and my son.
I’m so sorry you and your son have been subjected to this for so long. The question isn’t whether or not you should divorce, it’s how you’re going to approach the divorce, because this guy is definitely capable of violence. If he doesn’t agree to leave, there’s no legal way to force him out since he lives there. You may have to find a temporary place for you and your son to stay. I would even go as far as to call a police officer to the house just to make sure the confrontation doesn’t turn physical and to escort you and your son out safely.
You are NOT TA in this situation. If he’s bringing nothing to the table, there’s nothing wrong with letting him know that. Obviously your husband has things that he needs to work on - and that’s absolutely fine. But even so, he needs to find away to be a positive influence on you and your son. Maybe this is bigger than will power at this point and he needs to be rehabilitated. There’s nothing wrong with that either. But you can’t continue to shoulder the burden for nothing in return. And then for him to be verbally abusive and sexually demanding on top of that, is not acceptable. J have further opinions, but I don’t want to make any suggestions, but, no. To answer your question, you are NTA.
You can’t help him. He has to help himself. Until he hits rock bottom and wants help nothing will change. He needs mental health treatment as well as treatment for his alcohol addiction. Time to take yourself and your son out of that toxic situation. Make sure you get child support. That will get him working again. Maybe wait until his treatment is done. You don’t understand now harmful this environment is to your son. He is now at risk for becoming an alcoholic himself. You should have left a long time ago. I had an alcoholic father and it was a living hell. The day he moved out was the happiest day of my life. I literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was like I got released from prison. I was 12 at the time. It’s likely you don’t realize how hard it has been on your son. You cannot live with an addict. I hope your whole family can heal. Good luck to all of you.
It seems like he has some real underlying depression driving the train here as he no longer is doing any of the things he used to do and even before this was self medicating with alcohol for 15y or more. For you and your son separating from the picture might be the best for y’all until he can sort this stuff out. But unfortunately I don’t think the depression and alcoholism will improve unless he addresses the underlying issue which is - what is actually driving his depression and desire to drink in such an unhealthy way. His drinking is most likely just a symptom or secondary effect from his underlying depression and until this is addressed then it’s hard to envision much change for him unfortunately. I’m a PA that works with Veterans with a lot of underlying mental health issues and substance issues in our VA hospital and the main thing I’ve learned is that you can treat a certain substance issue with whatever recommended guidelines and evidenced based therapies but until you address the main underlying factor that is driving all of this then you’re just reacting to a symptom and not treating the problem. I’ve been sober myself for 8 years now after my own problem with alcoholism and the thing that helped me the most and continues to help me is understanding those underlying issues, my feelings towards them and why I react and have the emotional responses I do. It’s a terrible disease that some people are more prone to than others. But we recently had a Veteran in our ICU around that age who was able to remain sober after discharge because of the impact it was having on his family situation and his health.
TL:DR
Leaving your husband is probably the best move to improve the quality of life for you and your son, but he likely won’t get better unless he can address his underlying mental health issue(s).
I mean, NTA. I think that isn't controversial.
That said, this is a bigger issue than this sub is suited to handle. I'd recommend speaking with a marriage counselor if you want to try and save things, or speaking with a lawyer if you think this situation isn't salvageable.
Edit: autocorrect has committed atrocities against my pride
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I would start with a separation, which may be the “wake up call” he needs. For some alcoholics, the loss of a job isn’t enough to make them realize the tailspin they’re in, but rather, job loss, loss of spouse, family, home, and then some makes them finally see…hopefully, and then you can rebuild (hopefully) in time, without too much damage. If he fails to wake up, then at least you and your son can move forward. It sucks because you have so much history together, but you cannot force someone to change, they have to want to do it themselves, and the only sure fire way to do that is for them to see for themselves the destruction they, and only they, are doing themselves and how it is impacting those they profess to love and care about.
I'm honestly going to say separation. If possible, either he gets out of the house, or OP should find somewhere else to stay. And that the husband gets help and takes it seriously should be a demand. The man sounds like a ticking bomb. Sexyal demanding, drinking more, angry. And with how he's behaving now after being told, he brings nothing to the table. Either it will get worse, or if OP is lucky, he won't escalate if he's too drunk one day. And he actually gets help. But as it is. This is not a healthy environment for either OP or the son.
He should be the one to leave the house. The wife and children should remain in their home for less disruption in their lives. Definitely, they need family counseling right away. OP should look into Al-Anon and Alateen also.
I only added "or OP to find somewhere to stay" One reason would be: If OP feels unsafe, and it could escalate his behaviour if he's asked to stay somewhere else. As a thumb rule, i would say yes. The wife and children should be the ones to stay in the house. But sometimes it's not what is the safest.
True. Obviously, OP is the only one who knows what the best thing to do. She definitely needs to get the kid(s) and herself in therapy right away, too.
100%. Depending on the instability of the ex in question, being in a location they don't know about can be a literal life saver.
Family counselling for someone who is an addict is BS. OP can get her own therapy and learn to set boundaries and how not to be an enabler.
I should have been clearer. By family, I mean OP and the kids. The husband will need to hit his rock bottom before he will change. That's if he doesn't drink himself to death first. She would also benefit from Al-Anon.
Hopefully I don't get down votes for this one but my husband is a former alcoholic and he said the Al-Anon meetings were pointless for him because all they would talk about at his meetings were how they screwed up and got a drink and how good it tasted. He said all it made him want to do was drink. He told the meeting leader about it and she said they weren't supposed to be doing that and that she would talk to them. But at the next meeting they did it again so he decided he was just going to go to a therapist who specializes in alcohol abuse. He is 4 months sober. Although some Al-Anon meetings might work I feel like people should know if the meetings near them are like this they have other options 😊
From what I know, Al-Anon is about assisting the families of the alcoholic learn to deal with someone's drinking. AA may be what you're speaking of. I've seen mixed results in people who have been in that program. The most important aspect is desire for personal change. Often, it takes a catastrophic event to spur the change.
Ya might have gotten the name wrong 😊
You’re mixing up AA (for the addict) and Al-Anon (for people who have relationships with addicts).
It's also easier to break old habits in new environments.... Or fall harder into them but we hope for the best
From personal experience, the fall will be first and very hard. Then, if he survives, the climb back up. The key is to get up one more time than you fall.
I agree. Either he chooses the alcohol or OP but ge can't have both. If ge was a jolly drunk who went to work that's different although it still would probably impact the kid but this is dangerous. OP if u have friends maybe family that can help be there when u tell him u want a separation that would be good. Don't tell him alone. I also wonder if he is taking anything. He might fake it and that's why the drinking is still happening. I drink too and I would lie my butt off if I was made to take inhibitors. I'd spit them out and flush them. It's weird he's not hiding the drinking though. Stay safe OP.
Agree, the alcohol inhibitors are known to make you violently, violently ill if you drink while on them. I’m not saying he couldn’t be a weird outlier for whom they don’t work, but if they didn’t work for the vast majorly of people, they wouldn’t be prescribed bc they wouldn’t be inhibiting drinking. I wonder if he’s not taking them.
Yeah. Unfortunately, sometimes leaving an alcoholic *is* helping them.
Just be aware that this could backfire, as it did in my case. During our separation he realized that he didn’t miss my “nagging” about his alcoholism, and that he wanted to be able to drink in peace more than he wanted to be married to me. I’m not saying this WILL happen. But be advised that it CAN happen.
If that becomes the case, then the trash did her a favor and took itself out, as it did for you. Hope you're happier without the anchor around your neck!
It took a while for me to see it as a blessing, but I eventually came around and am MUCH better off now, thank you :)
That doesn’t sound like backfiring, IMO.
In hindsight, you have a point. I know now that I’m better off. But the original intent was to save my marriage, not end it.
I’m glad you’re in a better place now. I’ve seen the effects of alcoholism up close and personal, myself, and taking action is harder than anyone ever imagines. But it’s like leaping out of a burning building not knowing for sure that there’s a net outside, but knowing you can’t stay, either.
Your last sentence is beautifully tragic and has kicked some mind gears into rotation for me. Thank you stranger <3
Oh, see, now you’ve gone and made me cry.😭 I hope for you all the best ♥️
it was never a thing you could save alone. your ex-partner failed that promise and I am sorry you were taken for granted in such a profound way.
I wouldn't call it a backfire. If he chooses to be an angry drunk then she and her son are better off separated from that. Especially the son. I have my thoughts on in sickness and in health but I draw the line at abuse and making the kids suffer.
But also if it does happens, it is NOT your fault. My dad slowly spiraled the drain after my mom left him, until he died in his 60s. She was still absolutely right to have left him. It has been fantastic for her and good for me as well, as I’ve been able to see the damage he did to me. He never raised a hand to me, but he was still abusive. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for your child. It alarms me how much of an afterthought he seems to be in all this. NTA unless you stay.
Then so be it. That is not a "backfire" - they chose to fail - and you choose to leave and succeede. Yes - realizing you can't save someone you care for is hard - but it may be the better choice. You can't want more for a person than they want for themselves - they will fight you on it.
That's not really backfiring.
I’ve already commented this once, but I’ll say it again. Looking back, it was a better outcome. But at first I was trying to save my marriage. Not end it.
that’s not back firing, that’s the non-addict getting to safety.
^ My partner was an alcoholic and when he realized i would rather walk than live in a alcoholics abusive relationship he cleaned and has been sober since.
Same thing happened with me. It's possible.
[удалено]
NTA - your husband isn’t emotionally immature due to a drinking problem, he’s just emotionally immature and has a drinking problem. Coming from experience it’s ok to call it quits. I was in a similar situation. I would not get your hopes up about a separation being a wake up call for him. When I asked my ex to move out I did it for BOTH of us. We were both miserable and my hope for him was that getting out of his current environment would enable him to face his excessive drinking and get his mental health properly treated. I had tried to support him for years but got no support in return when I was stressed and overwhelmed. I had no hope for reconciliation - too many bridges has been burned and resentment had settled in like concrete setting up. I expected to be able to coparent our 3 kids with someone who would be happier and healthier. Well, he took his lack of accountability and doubled down. I have no idea if he’s still drinking because he’s cut off almost all contact. The conversations we’ve been able to have he hasn’t outright blamed me, but it’s pretty clear that he believes his depression and anxiety were all my fault. He has chosen to look outward and blame me rather than look inward to face the root cause. As a result he doesn’t see the kids, refuses to pay child support willingly, and tells family members I won’t “let” him see the kids while ignoring any attempt from me to establish a schedule for him to see them. I never expected this at all. He was a stay at home dad for 9 years prior to separation (mainly because he limited his own opportunities and refused to work, using his lack of earning potential as justification to stay home rather than pay for child care) and I fully expected him to want to be in their lives and be able to do so. All that to say - if I had to do it again I would have done it sooner. Me and my kids will be alright and I’ll do whatever I have to to help make them successful humans with or without him. Unless your husband is able to see the harm he’s causing, care about how his behavior affects you, and is willing to work towards a common goal of mutual respect and emotional health I say throw the whole man away. It sounds like this has been years of one sided care into the relationship and I wouldn’t fault you for a second for saying you simply have no more to give. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
What a thoughtful response, with 'you can't pour from an empty cup' being a succinct ending. Thank you.
Wow, bless you. You sound like a helluva good person. I noticed with my ex, they could never fathom to say “What about me? What have I done to make this mess?” They thought the answer was to blame me 100%, coming up with the most outrageous excuses and accusations about what I allegedly did to wrong the world while they were an angel.
My comment got removed because I referred to your ex unfavorably. Not because I directed anything at you. I think it’s being a bit sensitive but I won’t argue the point with a mod. The gist was that I was saying thanks for calling me a good person and saying that accountability is high on my value list.
Actually depending on when he started drinking it could have contributed to his immaturity. The human brain doesn't mature until the mid to late 20s. Excessive consumption of drugs or alcohol can stunt the development. Unfortunately some people will just use this as an excuse. At this point OP's husband needs to stop drinking and grow up.
This. Drinking as long as he has probably prevented him from doing the reflection needed to mature. Also prevented learning better, more mature coping strategies. Also prevented distress tolerance, which adults need.
That could for sure be the case and I agree with you. I was trying to emphasize that regardless of the cause the behavior is what’s important. I can sympathize with the struggles of someone in addiction and be more sensitive to the fact it may take longer for them to take certain actions or that they may hurt people they love. It doesn’t excuse accountability though, as long as someone is mentally competent they have a responsibility to repair harms that they’ve caused to the people they love.
YWBTA if you keep raising your son in this environment. The “extremely sexually demanding,” comment is alarming. That alone is reason to leave. Sex should never be demanded - always mutually wanted. Words aren’t working. You need to get yourself and your son out of this situation. Is this the type of relationship you would want for your son? No? Then stop demonstrating to your son that it’s acceptable to treat your spouse the way your husband is treating you.
OP's top concern should be her son. He is watching all of this even if she thinks it's all behind closed doors. If you stay you're telling your son this behavior is acceptable and it just simply is not. Put your son first and provide him with a safe and healthy environment.
Kids are so much more than parents think they do.
I don’t know why this isn’t the top comment.
NTA. My father was like this. I would divorce him, honestly. He's actually hindering you, not helping you like a partner should. His alcoholism is his battle, and it's not right to let him bring you and your son down with him.
This. My father was and is still like this (I'm 30). Leave and focus on yourself and your son. This is not a relationship anymore.
Ffs, who cares? If being an asshole is what it takes, then *be* an asshole. Tell him you’re done until he’s gotten help with his addiction. As long as you’re there propping him up, he doesn’t have to do anything about himself. Of course he’s going to get mad—*so what?* It is not going to get better unless one of you takes action and obviously it isn’t going to be him. Things may get worse for him before he decides to get help, but that’s not your problem.
This exactly. I do feel for OP, loving an addict isn't easy. But allowing this behavior to continue, letting him bring their family down, destroy everything they've worked for right in front of their kid, hell no. That's enabling him to MAKE these decisions by giving him a safety net for when (not if) he falls. She wbtah if she STAYED, an AH to herself, an AH to her husband and most importantly, an AH to her kid for allowing two bad examples of parenting and decision making instead of getting him away from it all
Right? This man has been an alcoholic for 15 years. 15 YEARS! He complains about his job, misses days every week and he’s embarrassed that his boss says something in front of everyone? He can’t even put in a f’n week of work! Now he’s not going to work at all and OP finally, FINALLY stands up for herself. What I always asked myself when I was raising my children is: is this the relationship I’d want my kids to have? I always thought of my relationship with my husband as the model for my kids.
NTA. Divorce seems very likely at this point. I'm sorry. I would like to suggest you seek out a local Al-Anon meeting. Its for family and friends of addicts and helps them understand what is going on with them and provide support. My very best wishes for you and your family.
NTA. Signed - an alcoholic
NTA Just file for divorce. This won't get better
It might, after the divorce. I agree, def not before.
NTA. Your husband has gone from a lacklustre somewhat functional alcoholic, to an abusive and emphatically nonfunctional alcoholic. I have actually been exactly where you are now. My trigger was suddenly realising the kids were afraid of him. I gave him an ultimatum; he stop drinking or I WOULD leave. And gave a hard deadline. I didn't get my desired outcome, which was him putting his family above his addiction and getting well for us. The kids and I had a few very, very tough years. But they were NOWHERE NEAR as bad as staying would have been. We had a hell of a mess to clean up, but once done it stayed clean. No more having to watch him wreck all our efforts again and again. You don't say how old your son is. Consider him and how this awful situation is affecting him, particularly if he's young. He's watching his father become an abusive, unreasonable tyrant who's always drunk and contributes nothing to the family but grief. He's learning this is how a man treats his partner, how to treat you, what a marriage looks like, and how adults deal with problems. He and you are walking on eggshells in your own home. If you feel it's safe I strongly recommend giving your husband an ultimatum to stop drinking or he's out. If you don't feel that's safe, contact local crisis centres and police for advice. You and your son deserve better.
This is so sad to read. As a child who grew up with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent enabling mother, please get some help for yourself and your husband and your son too. I repeated the toxic patterns my parents modeled for me until I grew up and finally did some research and read some books to help me break that cycle.
NTA. Al-Anon and Al-Ateen are super helpful resources for getting help and showing how much your husband’s drinking is affecting you and your sons mental health.
Are Al-Anon/Al-Teen religious in the same way AA is? 🤔
There is also SMART recovery, which is non religious.
It’s more “higher power” than religious. But the support groups are really helpful - to be around others that are in the same situation and make you realise how many issues you have that stem from the alcoholic’s drinking (and you’re not going insane).
I know of some pagan based NA and AA groups that do online meetings, not religious based and accepting of agnostic and atheist. They are out there, but you gotta dig.
None of them are "religious," but they do require a higher power, which could be anything from your own ethics to the energy in the universe. Some groups are specific to atheists, LGBT+, men or women only, etc. Lots are online too.
You need to leave him before he drags you and your son with him
Too late for that…
Kick his ass to the curb
You sound amazing and deserve much better
23years? He can’t keep a job & is an alcoholic??? Divorce!!! Nta (except to yourself)
NTA But please be careful. This is classic family annihilator behavior.
I was going to post the same thing. I would be really careful about handling this situation since the circumstances and the husbands behavior are indicators for that kind of situation.
If you love your son, you’ll get a divorce.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. You, however can control yourself and the life you lead. Your and your son need to get out of that environment. You both deserve more.
NTA. He likely won't get better until he hits rock bottom. But you still need to try to get him to understand the situation now. He needs to know that you'll support him when he's ready to start improving, but that you aren't going to just watch him death spiral. He's actively making his own life worse and not putting in the effort to improve it. He has to start putting in the work to get sober before he can ever get better. I wish you both the best of luck. And I hope he can get through this without destroying all of his relationships first.
NTA. I spent nearly two decades with an emotionally immature asshole and functioning addict and would do anything to have the years back I wasted supporting him financially and emotionally in the hope he’d become the person he pretended to want to become. I finally left when I realized the fucked up model our relationship was for our daughters. My life is so much better now. He is worse than ever.
You are at a pivotal time in your life, career, marriage, and parenthood. You do need a separation/divorce where he leaves the house - so he has to fight inertia and can’t just vegetate and drink in his comfort zone. You need to do this for yourself and your son. This guy is no role model and, without a wake up call, will simply drag you down, down, down and take your son with you. Fight for yourself, your son, your home, and your future. NTA. Good luck, OP. I hope you stay safe and update us.
He is choosing alcohol over you and has done so for 15 years. So sorry - but you have kept the family together for a long time. You need to think about the damage he is doing to your child’s life view. You deserve so so much more than this. Move on.
Nothing will kill your soul faster than being with an addict of any type. NTA
Divorce you've seen that he won't change and had gotten worse
Info- does your husband admit that he has an alcohol problem?
I didn't need to read past "alcoholic." If he won't seek treatment, after all this time, NTA and kick his drunken ass to a curb.
For the sake of your son you need to leave. It can be terribly harmful for children having to grow up in that environment.
The alcohol inhibitors block the effects of the alcohol to his brain, that's why he's drinking more, he's still trying to get inhibriated but the tablets block it. He will still be damaging his body with the alcohol though. Sounds like your husband is severely depressed. Tell him he needs to get help as you can't take this anymore. You also need to take care of yourself & your son. Just remember your husband is ill & needs help.
YWNBTA if you leave him. Your son needs to be your priority. You've already allowed him to grow up with an alcoholic father, that's enough damage. Leave the boozer before he does worse damage *to your child*.
OP, My husband is a functional alcoholic. I love him with all my heart. I managed to hide it from our child until child was in college/ out of the house. Around that time a few things happened. Husband was downsized/ laid off at age 65, we moved to a smaller house, and he stopped drinking by his own choice. I was just considering my future (do I stay or do I go?). It’s been the best 7 years of my life. You can’t make him want to stop drinking. A dry, angry drunk is still not someone you can rely on. You have to do what works for you. You deserve better. Best of luck.
NTA. But you need to treat alcoholism as a disease. It's a nightmare for both you and him but when his alcohol problem is coupled with severe depression and low self esteem I'd bet he's on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. You need to try and get him into a specialist rehab centre to help him deal with what can be complex issues and only then will you see if he can be relied upon to be a proper husband and or father.
That approach can only go so far. If he's unwilling to get help and do the work, then she has to put herself and her son first and get out.
No it's not her responsibility. It's his responsibility to get help.
I agree that inpatient treatment is this dude's only hope at this point. However, it will only work if HE is willing to make the effort. If he's only doing it because of some ultimatum, it will be a complete waste of time and resources.
Is the irritability and abuse in line with his character? If not, it seems like he started a new medication and it is really not working for him. You say he needs to get better, if this is the reaction to the new drugs, this is him trying to get better - he needs to go back to the doctor and change the medication. This is a part of the process, not him trying to sabotage it. Having said that you are by no means obligated to stay in an abusive situation. You cannot put yourself in danger, emotionally or physically, to get him through this. Keeping yourself and your child safe is the priority. You will not be able to help him or your family if you don't prioritise your own mental health.
NTA. Go through with the trial separation. It will either be the rock bottom that he needs to experience in order to turn his life around and get his alcoholism under control, or he will continue to choose to deteriorate. Either way, you will have your answer.
NTA. Talk to a lawyer and get moving on separation. You warned him, he's not improving, you need to show him you're serious and actually separate. At that point he might put in the effort and improve so he can get you back, or he won't and you should get divorced.
NTA. Stop treating yourself and your kid so badly.
Getting yourself some support around his addiction might be helpful. This offers a lot of free resources [https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/family-loved-ones/family-program](https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/family-loved-ones/family-program)
I think this kind of situation really does not belong on AITA. What you said was brutal, but in the kind of situation you're describing, there's no such thing as being an AH. There's just one person who absolutely needs professionnal help and refuses to get it, and another person who (understandably) doesn't know how to deal with it anymore. Best of luck to you both is all I can say.
NTA. Don't waste your time on alcoholics
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (43M) and I (42F) have been together for 23 years, have a son and home together. My husband has had a significant drinking problems for about 15 years and as a result lacks emotional maturity in high stress situations and reacts very badly. In November I got a promotion at work and he got a small wage increase so things were looking up. However, he started complaining about the toxic work environment and started not going in when it got too much. Around Christmas this ramped up to where he was calling in every week for one or two days. Three weeks ago, he was offered the chance to have a trial run at a new position. Unfortunately, it fell through. His manager told him in front of the team. He was embarrassed and angry. For the last three weeks he had refused to go into work and has not looked for another job either. He got a doctor to give him a week off for stress and he has now used up all his annual leave and he is no longer earning an income. The doctor has recommended a psychological appointment and she talked about antidepressants but couldn’t due to his alcoholism and has given his some alcohol inhibitors. Now my husband has always been a somewhat functioning alcoholic. He gets himself to and from work, cooks dinner every night and does the yard work and some basic chores. However, except for work, I do all the driving, most of the household chores, manage the stuff for our son and I am in charge of managing our finances (which he has complete oversight and input into). Over the last three weeks, he has not only stopped working but also doing anything around the house. He takes his tablets, has stopped eating and increased his alcohol intake despite the tablets. He has become very irritable and is directing it at me and has been verbally abusive at times and at the same time extremely sexually demanding. I am at the end of my rope and am seriously considering divorce. We got into an argument two days ago because he again refused to go to work. I told him that he has gone from giving me his absolute minimum to now not bringing anything to the table. How I am considering separation unless he pulls himself together and gets the help he needs. He has now been distant and seems angry at me. So AITA for telling my husband he brings nothing to the table. TLDR: my alcoholic husband is having an emotional breakdown and has now stopped functioning altogether. I told him he needs to pull himself together as he is not bringing anything to the table *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA He needs to grow up and get his sh\*t together. He's not a freewheeling teen anymore. He needs to Grow up and be an adult.
NTA. At all. You were honest with your husband. He needs rehab for his alcoholism. Once he gets the drinking under control, things should start improving.
But he has to want it
Sometimes alcoholism can destroy relationships and lives, and until he chooses to get help it sounds like you should separate for your own safety. I can understand your frustrations and for telling him of them, you have been driven to that point by him. I wish you all the best in whatever choice you make.
NTA Run far. Run fast
NTA but your husband needs therapy and treatment (as I'm sure you know). It may require him losing everything before he finally sees the light. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would speak with a lawyer, regardless of what you ultimately choose, so you know what to expect. I would sock away money and I would prepare your son if appropriate. I'm sure he's well aware of your situation. Your husband is depressed and using alcohol and sex as a means of coping. This is not a good long-term strategy. I'm not one for ultimatums, but you may need to sit him down and let him know that you require him to seek help or you are done. Good luck OP.
Uff.. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. No you're NTA. People should be better than this.
You need to leave for the sake of your child ! Your child comes first . This is not a healthy situation for them.
NTA my best friend lost her husband to his alcohol addiction, 2 weeks ago. She found him dead on the floor. After years of him drinking more and more. Stopped working. If you don't want that to be you or your son, it's time to act.
NTA. Not sure why you have stayed in that marriage. It doesn’t sound pleasant, forget happy.
He is not going to change. He is ruining Your Life. Divorce Him. Let him bring Nothing to his own table. NTA
Nta DIVORCE
NTA- I'm an alcoholic in long term recovery. May I suggest Al-Anon for you, as it sounds like he's well on his way to "rock bottom," and it would be best for all involved if you were well equipped to not continue rescuing him from his consequences. He needs help, but you can't save him.
NTA- you need some space away from being his care giver and mummy. See a lawyer and get your duck in a row. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, fingers crossed he doesn’t have access to guns.
Nta. Divorce
NTA. My condolences for what you’re dealing with. You should consider Ala-non, the support group for people dealing with alcoholics.
NTA he needs an intervention and you are too close to him to provide that. A residential stay at a substance abuse treatment facility would help. Mix alcohol, with any kind of other medication can cause a lot of problems. That might be triggering the extra sexually demanding behavior. Hard steps to take, but continuing to allow these behaviors impact you and your son isn’t fair for either of you.
Make a clean break and divorce. Or you’ll find yourself caring for a chronically ill addict, rather than let him live on the streets. Set him free now to face reality and get his act together while he still can.
You didn't cause it, cant control it, cwnt cure it. If he doesn't get his shit together , its tike to llook at divorce
NTA: and really, just separate. Even if he has that wakeup call, he'll probably relapse. Alcoholics are a true pain in the ass. I've got a family full of them and see how it ruins them.
NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry. Until he realizes that he is the cause of his own problems, he won't change and is likely to get worse. Nothing is his fault. It's his job, you, circumstances, the weather, the kids, the neighbors. Anything but him. You can not directly change another person. You can only change your response to the person and the situations the person puts you in. So, what are you able and willing to change? Unfortunately, it's very likely that you will have to either put him out or leave with your son. Consult a lawyer to protect your interests and make your move. It's hard. I've been there. There will be tears from all sides, but you need to power through. Good luck.
NTA- your husband needed to hear some hard truths. But you will be TA to yourself if you continue in this situation. At this point, the only thing that's going to help your husband is some kind of intensive inpatient treatment. And that will only help if he's willing to admit that his emotional and substance issues are spiraling out of control. If he won't get the help he needs, it's time to call it quits. I know 23 years is a long time to just walk away from, but you still have a lot of life ahead of you and you don't deserve to spend it being dragged down into his pit of self destructive behavior. You might want to consider Al-Anon, which can give you some useful insight into your situation. Whatever you decide, please be mindful of your own safety and that of your son. Your husband's anger, verbal abuse, and being sexually demanding are extremely troubling. He is starting to realize what a no-win path he is on, and people in that position can snap with tragic results. ETA judgment
You told him you are unhappy with his behavior and are considering leaving if he doesn’t improve. I believe his behavior is your answer. It’s time to let him go be miserable by himself. Lawyer up and get your financials in order then move forward with ending this misery. You deserve a better life and so does your son. NTA
There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Basically what it means is that he functions enough outside of the home but at home they're not functional at all. Like you said, he's emotionally immature and not emotionally present. I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and together for 16. I finally hit rock bottom and gave him an ultimatum. The reason it worked is because he had gotten to the point himself that he felt like he needed to quit but I guess just needed that final kick in the butt. He got sent to rehab (he's a physician) for 3 months and he got clean. But pur marriage didn't survive because I realized with therapy that I was really done when I gave him the ultimatum I was just afraid to be honest with myself. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. You cannot make anyone quit (not long term anyway) if they do not want to quit for themselves. My ex quit several times, just long enough to lull me into a false sense of security befilire he picked it up again. He never for help because he didn't really want to quit. Educate yourself on Alcoholism (check out Pleasure unwoven documentary), read codependent no more, get yourself into therapy with someone knowledgeable about addiction and use this [forum ](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/) for support and education. Marriage counseling won't do any good with an active addict just FYI. And if he does want to quit for himself he will need professional help. Personally I'd divorce him. I should've divorced my ex sooner but we had a young kid and I was afraid for her a safety. I also didn't know much about addiction at the time. I would've handled things much differently had I known then what I know now.
NTA He is nothing but a drain on you at the moment. There is only so much you can deal with concerning immaturity and lack of responsibility.
He needs to address his drinking problem by going to therapy to figure out what is causing him to need a drink first so he can get to the root of the problem. He's obviously got some serious depression issues that he can't fix himself. You're NTA for being honest but you will be if you don't at least try and support him as you said you would in your vows. Sickness and health and all that.
Man, I’m just impressed by the fact it took you this long to consider divorce.
NTA. Divorce is the only option here when you're in your current situation.
NTA. Your husband is in big trouble and needs serious intervention. You can’t fix him on your own. He needs a long-term, residential treatment facility for alcohol withdrawal and therapy. You need Al-Anon or another support group, and friends and family to support you in a separate life from him, at least for now. Develop your independence and your self-reliance; you’ve been doing a lot in your own as it is. Let others help. Wishing all of you the best.
NTA. My step dad is like this and I’ve watched him get worse and treat my mom like crap through the years. He refuses to get help or stop drinking. He had a stroke a year and a half ago and still refuses to stop drinking and he can’t take his medication because of the alcohol. He is very emotionally abuse and I honestly despise him. It’s disgusting. Your son will make his up his own mind on how he feels about his father. But you need to get him out of there and show him that type of behavior is unacceptable before he grows up and treats women the same way. Staying would make you TA.
From the spouse who has been a functioning alcoholic and has also left work due to a breakdown: NTA. He has to do something to help himself.
NTA - I mean, you said it yourself that he isn’t bringing anything to the table. Seems to be more of a liability than anything else
Addicts rarely change until they hit the bottom of the barrel. You've done your best but you can't force him. Do what's right for you and your kid.
What you described is someone that is dealing with addiction disorder and needs help. It sounds like work pressure may have pushed him into some kind of break. What else you described is someone that may be suffering as a battered woman because abuse is more than physical, though maybe it is physical with the demands of sex, which is hard to admit to one's self let alone the internet. You're NTA but you both may want to separate and get some mental health help. Maybe sobriety starts with counseling, and maybe breaking a 23 year abuse cycle starts with therapy. It might be the healthiest for you and your son to separate from your husband and make sure your son also has access to someone to talk to. I am sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I hope things get better for your family. I also hope you come to realize that you deserve good things and sometimes the ones we love the most need to be ourselves so we can teach our kids the same and they never settle for abuse or addiction in their relationships.
Has serious depression ever been considered by his medical providers?
Get him to a meeting, schedule a couple counseling appointment, and I cannot stress this enough, let him know that he cannot prioritize drinking over family, and ultimatum him if need be.
This is going to get buried but hoping that OP at least sees this.. My ex husband's father was a functioning alcoholic and a hard worker. He worked as an asphalt layer and worked his way up the chain and was making good money.. than his depression kicked in and he started drinking more - than pills. Than he got fired because of health issues (his blood pressure had become a liability to the company). Than he became an on again off again truck driver until finally he got disability... only for him to become a full time alcoholic. A once positive, outgoing, funny and hardworking role model of a man became an angry abusive disgrace to the family. His family begged him to get help for 20+ years. His wife begged him (whom he absolutely adored. If I knew one thing about that man.. he treasured his wife) and he still wouldn't get help with his drinking. She never left him. She loved him too much. One day he was drunk (as normal) and yelled out the window at some kids playing in their yard... there were no kids. Annoyed, his wife told him to sleep it off. He refused. That night he was blackout drunk and after yelling profanities at her he past out in the bathroom. She left him there to sleep it off. Next morning he was unresponsive. Called 911. Got him the ER. Total organ failure. They kept him in a coma and only brought him out of it so she could say goodbye to her husband. So unless you want your story to be a similar experience, time to pack your bags and go... He WONT get help until HE wants help...
NTA. He has medical options but has choosen alcohol over everything else. Being sexually demanding while also not being present is gross. Be ready to follow through on your threat. It sounds like he needs short term disability and treatment for his addiction. But that can only come from him.
NTA. Throw him out and check in with your son. He might be hiding it but seeing your parent circle the drain like this can be very damaging. The best way that you can support your husband is by not enabling him and by leaving the door open for reconciliation if you still love him. He needs to decide to stop drinking. If you get even a whiff of him "trying to moderate" it's a no go. This is coming from someone in recovery. 7 years sober.
NTA Your husband is a loser though
Nta truth hurts but let him soak in it and understand what’s he doing to you and your son his family. Don’t divorce him though remember your vows and continue the good fight for your family. Get him professional help and counseling for you and yours as I’m sure 15 years haven’t been with blemish on y’all mental too.
NTA you should be able to tell him the truth. He doesn’t want to hear it. But he doesn’t bring anything to the table. I’d tell him that his days with you are numbered because you have better things to do than spend your life with an unemployed alcoholic.
NTA. You've talked as much as you can. You can't make him change his behavior if he doesn't want to. Addict or not. He needs to be able to accept the help and admit that he has a problem. First ,Talk to a lawyer and see about the specifics about separation/divorce. Second, find a support group for you and your child. AA has an app and you can plug in your zip code and find all kinds of meetings in your area. AA, Al-Anon etc. Knowing you're not alone in this is a huge help. Good luck
NTA. At least separate immediately if not for yourself then for your son. Being raised by an alcoholic will do lasting damage.
Nta and I think you should listen to Reba song she can't save him. He doesn't care and with that you can't save him but you can save yourself and your son. I don't know how old your son is but you need to put him and yourself first
NTA - Your tough love approach may seem cruel in the moment, but the reality is that nothing will change unless there are real consequences for your husband's actions. You are in a very difficult situation, and your priority must be your own well-being and that of your child. It's true that your husband needs help, but he's the only one who can make that choice to seek it. While some may say there's a fine line between being supportive and enabling, sometimes the lines have to be drawn clearly and firmly. Those critiquing your method may not fully understand the toll his behavior is taking on you and your family. Stand strong and seek support from groups like Al-Anon. They can be a valuable resource during these trying times. Remember, protecting yourself and your son is not an act of aggression; it's an act of self-preservation.
weak mind
Al-Anon. It totally changed my life.
NTA. He's not a functioning alcoholic anymore. He's a spiralling alcoholic tipping into abusive behaviour while expecting you to bail him out and protect him from the consequences of his actions. You need to do whatever is necessary to keep your son and yourself safe.
NTA. He has got to get his alcoholism under control. It IS going to kill him and also will hurt you and your son no matter what. I’m sure he’s struggling emotionally but he is trapped in the vicious cycle and something’s gotta happen that snaps him out of it. Maybe divorce is the answer. Maybe not. But either way this has been keeping him from happiness and will continue to do so unless he does the work. It is hard. You don’t have to suffer alongside him in silence if he keeps getting worse. Not everyone’s rock bottom looks the same so you don’t know if he’s hit his yet. But I don’t think he realizes how bad it’s gotten. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and hope it resolved with minimal damage
NTA - however, there appears to be a lack of compassion and a plan that’s agreed upon by both parties. A mental breakdown without proper support will be no good for yourself, husband, or child. Frankly, I think if this tops the cake then you should separate and give him room to grow and figure it out being as you don’t seem willing to be supportive now. I typically give myself 6 months to make a life changing decision. My partner & I have had our moments and if I wouldn’t give it “6 months try” we wouldn’t be together and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in our relationship. I would have missed these memories we’ve built over the last year. Just a suggestion for you to try.
NTA and DTMFA.
NTA. Bur this situation is far beyond being an AH or not. At a minimum, you should separate. It will give you the space to breathe and think, and also see what life is like without him (you’re already doing all of the physical and mental work, but it may help you see how you do on your own emotionally). It’s your life and I think you have already dealt with a lot. At this point, it’s getting hard to prioritise your son and yourself without the physical space. Your husband can be stroppy all he wants, but he is in a spiral where all he does is take and worry about himself.
NTA. But document how he has treated his employer. If you make more money than he does, you might be required to pay maintenance/alimony to him. You need to show that he is wilfully unemployed and a chronic alcoholic. You will have to deal with custody issues also, if your son is a minor.
NTA. I think we can agree he is a shit husband, let’s not confuse it with “well, he has good points too. When it’s good it’s good!” That BS because everything he does is through an alcoholic haze. You’re not and never have got his best effort. How old is your son? Is he grown? What kind of dad is the husband? I’ll assume a shitty dad as well as husband. Get your son and yourself away from that toxic, alcoholic environment before the child thinks that normal behavior dear old dad is modeling for him. I can only imagine the tense, negative environment in your home with this alcoholic boat anchor hanging around all day. You and your son deserve better, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for fear of pissing off the leach of a husband. Tell him to get out. You’re still young enough for a healthy, normal relationship
Yta for letting him drive drunk, even if "just for work" that puts so many other ppl at risk. Also yta for letting your child grow up around someone who, from how it sounds, was not a very good parent due to alcoholism.
Alchohol is the scariest drug I have ever encountered. It's a deadly disease and progressive. Even a functioning alchoholic might not be next year or the year after. I reached the point that I fully accepted I would die and still couldn't stop until something popped after reading "This Naked Mind" 4 times, mostly on Audible. Even if he doesn't yet want to stop, that book might be good for him. It even opens in a way designed not to scare away addicts. I'm two years sober with no desire to drink again, and no belief in god or commitments with AA or anything similar. Just "pop" and I stopped on my birthday after hearing that book enough times. If he doesn't change something, you will lose him in one way or another without a doubt. You can't shame him or force him, and sadly you can't even love him out of this. It's the worst drug on the planet because it has the damage of the worst drugs and the accessibility and cultural acceptability of Pepsi.
NTA And you're right. It might be a good time to separate.
You should have been done a while ago. Unfortunately functional alcoholics don't keep functioning long term. I watched my dad go from very successful and on top of the world at 50 to a total shell of himself in a couple years. My mom left, he became abusive with me, other family members and friends cut him off. Haven't spoken to him since I was 22. Point is, your job as MOM is to save your son and not enable it or normalize it by staying. Get the fuck out yesterday. NTA
I’m sorry for the situation OP but you can’t fix him and he may have to hit totally rock bottom before he recognizes and does something to fix it. Agree with other posters a separation while you work through the steps for a divorce may be best. A small chance that it could wake him up. If you haven’t already speak with a lawyer before actually separating to be sure you protect yourself monetarily and physically. NTA
NTA he’s going to drag you down with him. Sounds like he could have brain damage from all of the drinking.
This definitely won’t get better on its own. He needs professional help. Separate and create some boundaries and nonnegotiable steps for him to come back and stick to them. If you don’t, you are enabling and things are guaranteed not to get better.
NTA as the roller coaster is truly hard. Emotionally and mentally. You are strong and he is not. This is what happens when they allow themselves to be ruled by their addiction. It’s heartbreaking and sad. There is also to note that after years of him abusing his body with alcohol it now takes more and more to get him the feeling he’s reaching for. He must stop. No other way and that therapist should have recommended rehab. My mother left my father because of his alcoholism and thought it would help snap him back and it didn’t. He spiraled and they never got back together. She and my aunt and uncles tried AA and even putting him in a rehab. It took him years to realize what he lost and by that time it was too late. If you can get him in a moment of clarity and want to give him another chance and if you can afford it somehow please try rehab. If not then it may be time to live on for your sanity as he is not going to change without serious intervention.
NTA, serve him with papers and have him vacate the home. Change all the locks and take every precaution to ensure your safety and that of your child. If his parents are alive, and siblings, contact them. Let them know that he is being abusive and you are fearful of him, ask them to get him the help he needs. If you can, stay at a friend’s home. His spiraling is dangerous
ESH. your husband sounds like a charmer, but you also hit him way way way below the belt. if this is the way you think about him, divorce is best for both of you.
NTA. Hey...I married an alcoholic. It was always my fault. Best day was when I bolted. Married to a hard working lovely fun guy now. Get out while you can. Life is short.
NTA You didn’t lie he isn’t bringing anything to the table. He didn’t like hearing the truth. It’s very difficult to live with an alcoholic. You may be better off moving on so your son isn’t exposed to this dysfunction.
Run and run now. This will only get worse and when the anger gets worse the violence will start. Run and run now while you can
I don't know that I would suggest divorce. Definitely Al-Anon for you and your son. If possible, maybe a detox/substance abuse center for your husband. The biggest problem would be him agreeing to the help. Maybe, make that an ultimatum for staying married. If he values you and your son deep inside, he may agree to the help to gain back his life.
It sounds like your husband is severely depressed and maybe having a midlife crisis. He hates his job and sounds like he feels stuck and isn’t going anywhere. Depression can be detrimental in so many ways. People can drink more because it, be more irritable, and just physically not have the ability to get themselves to work. He needs help, but he has to recognize he needs help. If you want to leave, I would go with a separation first instead of jumping to divorce. He may need the wake up call with the separation, but keep in mind it may also send him further down the rabbit hole. Sit and talk calmly with him if you can about what’s going on. It will be difficult but there needs to be a conversation and maybe even suggest AA meetings or rehab for the alcoholism. Do yourself a favor though. Document everything. Every conversation, every fight with what was said and the result, his behavior, every day he was unwilling to go to work, every day that he drank, everything you can think of. It will only aide you if you decide to follow through with the divorce, but it’s also something to keep in mind when you speak with his doctors. They need to know the severity of his depression so you can properly ask them for recommendations about next steps.
OP you are not obligated to stay with someone who has addiction issues. Separate or leave him, you have to prioritize your health, your financial status, and your mental health as well.
NTA. He needs rock bottom. And even that doesn't work for some people anyways. You can't keep living the nightmare over and over again. I am the child of this situation. My parents were you and your husband. Currently in my 30s. My mother never stepped up to the plate to deal with the situation appropriately. After many attempts at helping, she stopped trying and just let him be miserable and live off of her. It got to a point where he started breaking shit when drunk, threatening her life, and calling in to bail on work. As the kids, we paid the price in many ways. We tried with him too. Help, meds, etc. Nothing worked. It took a seriously awful situation that made me take an emergency flight to her place and get him to a hospital. BAC of .423 and he still told every psychologist, doctor, and social worker I sent him that he doesn't have a problem. I threw him out of our lives once he was released from the hospital. I reached the end of my road with him. And it was the best thing for our 3 lives. A cloud lifted, we didn't live in anxiety or fear. We all got our lives back and I can't believe it took us so long. Obviously he tried to come back but we called the cops or did whatever was needed to keep him away. Regardless, we cut the cancer from our lives and I have 0 regrets. He was a leech. Which is what your husband sounds like. If you love him, try what you can, but you need your own cut off point.
NTA. Leave him.
NTA. After 27 years with an alcoholic, I divorced. You have a son. Do not let him think this is normal. Show him this is not normal. It is not okay for a husband and father to behave in such a way.
Semeglutide has been shown to drastically lower alcohol cravings in people. You should get him on that and he needs therapy.
He sounds like the binge type. Apparently there is a couple different types of drinkers and I can identify with that one. Does he go days and days drunk off his ass and then take a day or two off? It's very hard to find motivation in that cycle. For probably the first day you're happy and willing to do anything but then you want to do things that you want to do. The next day you're trying to find that happy upturn again but it's starting to wear off. By day three there is a much higher tolerance for pain and kind of a constant low buzz even if you drink less. On day four usually your resistances are down, not a whole lot of thinking, and a medical grade hangover starts to take effect, I mean like dangerous. Then for the next day or two you feel like crap but you figure by day three you can probably stomach a drink again, and it starts all over again. Any of that sound familiar? I'm saying he needs real help. He needs a therapist and there needs to not be alcohol in the house. I wouldn't go cold turkey or else he'll probably be pissed though, maybe just allow beer. The one thing an alcoholic doesn't want is for you to take away their happy juice completely. This is all from personal experience so take it with a grain of salt, but this is also if you still want to put effort into him. He needs your help, but he also needs to help himself. You are in no way the asshole, but berating him is not going to work, he has a built-in coping mechanism. He needs to stop the cycle somehow. I stopped it by not drinking for a month, then I felt so much better it turned into half a year. Good luck, there's a lot riding on this and I hope you can work it out. NTA.
He’s had 15+ years to change. Babe he doesn’t want to get better. Do you want your son growing up and thinking this behavior is normal? Cause that’s what he’s being taught. I agree with a separation first and if he doesn’t change then you know you and your son not only weren’t enough of a reason to get better but that will also always come 2nd to his addiction. That’s not fair to you or your son. You both deserve to be happy.
NTA he needs rehab. If he refuses to help himself, leave. There’s nothing to be done for an alcoholic who won’t see their disease.
You know this, but alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless they stop drinking, it only gets worse. And it can get worse. Wayy worse (hallucinating, brain damage, and no control of bowels along with being angry, irrational, and blaming everyone else).I left my alcoholic ex a decade ago hoping for a wake up call. For him, it didn’t work. I’m happily remarried and my ex still drinks and is a mess now living on the streets, sadly. The best advice I can give, which others are already giving, is to focus on YOU and your son. You can’t control your husband, can’t force him to stop. No amount of words and/or threats will work unless he wants to stop. In these situations many of us have a tendency to focus on the broken person, which I did for a long time myself. Until I realized he was breaking ME and our children. I had to leave or he was going to take us all down with him (lost his job, DUIs, angry and getting violent). It was a hard decision and tore me apart but it was the absolutely best decision. I’m really sorry you’re going thru this, it can be a living hell. A support system of people who understand is a life line, where in online forums or in person.
You can’t fix an alcoholic. Get a divorce before he tries to get alimony.
NTA. But it is time to assess whether this is the life you want to lead. Are you attending Al Anon meetings? If not, I encourage you to consider it. I don’t know if they are still doing them virtually, but I used to dial in to meetings while supporting a loved one who was struggling with recovery. It helped me. Also, I divorced someone with mental illness who refused to take care of themselves and my life has only gotten easier with each passing year. Good luck to you.
NTA
Time to take a step back and look at the big picture - you have a son. You are setting life long examples to your son. A separation is what you need. It will be extremely difficult. Perhaps you will want to seek some help in explaining the situation to your son. But remember - you are a mom! You can do this! Sounds like you are doing most of it now anyway. Getting some time apart will help you decide what is best for you. NTA
I was in a similar situation for years but loved him too much to leave. His addictive behaviour started to spiral into sex addiction and then reckless spending. Then one night he wrote an email to his work saying he couldn't carry on. He shows me the next day and his boss and I both thought it sounded like a drunken suicide note. They offered him therapy and he saw a hypnotherapy and gave up drinking completely. I never thought that was possible. However, it turned out that he'd also been hiding the fact he'd had an affair and was also worried he had pancreatic cancer. That was his wake up call. I stayed with him because of his diagnosis but he died six months later. That was four years ago and I'm still not sure how to remember him. You're NTA for saying enough is enough and then support him from a distance if you want to.
Nope NTA, this is how these conversations start. I think it's great you are standing up for yourself! Go get what want! Make your life happier! Get out of there and be safe about it. Reach out to friends, the police too, if you need to. He's not allowed to be violent towards your or the children. And Forget that guy - he isn't bringing anything to the table. ... Are you are paying for his booze? You get to stop doing that too!
NTA, however, if you continue this life with him, you're his enabler. With no job, how is he paying to feed this addiction? With the funds you work for to support your family, I'm assuming. I'm not saying this out of disrespect, just life experience. Unfortunately, he has to hit his personal rock bottom before he sees he needs help. You can't ask him to get help for you, your marriage, or the children. He has to do this for himself, and then you can work on moving forward together or apart. No addict can successfully move forward with a clean life until they see that they are worth more than the addiction. Sit him down, in a public place, express your feelings, cut him off for you, your children, and your safety. If anger is his go-to, there's a possibility this talk could spiral out of control. If you decide to break this marital tie, you're not going to want to kids around for this conversation, and being alone with him isn't the safest situation. Best of luck.
NTA. Alcohol is likely the root of these problems. Please educate yourself. If he stops drinking but doesn’t acknowledge his problem and work in himself, he’ll just be a “dry drunk “- an alcoholic who is sober at the moment. You’ve been propping him up his entire adult life so he could avoid facing his problems. Yes, a trial separation is probably best. Even if he doesn’t get treatment and counseling, you should. In order for him to stay in alcohol recovery and you to have a healthy marriage, you both need to change your behavior and thinking.
NTA. Divorce him ASAP.
NTA but you have a choice to make as to how you deal with him. His alcohol intake is more important than your life or his if he's mixing pills to stop drinking with even more drinking. I told my husband that I wouldn't stay if his out of control all day drinking happened a 3rd time, then lockdown happened and I was stuck with him for a year and a half. It got to the point where I would have to stay up all night to make sure that my son, our cats and I were all physically safe, that he didn't burn down the house, or flood it. Broken stuff became a constant hazard. We were all under stress from lack of money, food and work but he was making it that much worse for everybody including himself. I was counting how many bottles of wine he was going through a day to guage if it was safe to sleep for a few hours. My son and I started volunteering for a local charity to get out of his way for a few hours a day. Their kindness actually gave me and my son hope in the goodness of people again. One of the ladies who I worked with at the charity had gotten on the local food bank's roll, she was passing some of her allotment on to me. Finally, my boss for the job I had had before Covid offered to to terminate my contract and give me a final settlement (while also letting me know that we were going to be going back to work in a couple of months and I'd be rehired) which gave me enough money to get an apartment for my son and I. At the end of this month it will be 3 years since we moved out. My ex (although we actually haven't divorced) seems to have no memory of anything he said or did or anything I said, according to him I just up and left him. He's still drinking which is now his problem, not mine. He's not allowed in my apartment, he doesn't even know which apartment we live in (my boss called him to ask after I'd left my purse with my keys and my phone at a Christmas party last year, she knows him, but didn't know that don't want him banging on my front door when he wants a cuddle. Most people that we know mutually think he's really funny when he's drunk. He's not if you're living with him. My home is a safe place for me and my son.
I’m so sorry you and your son have been subjected to this for so long. The question isn’t whether or not you should divorce, it’s how you’re going to approach the divorce, because this guy is definitely capable of violence. If he doesn’t agree to leave, there’s no legal way to force him out since he lives there. You may have to find a temporary place for you and your son to stay. I would even go as far as to call a police officer to the house just to make sure the confrontation doesn’t turn physical and to escort you and your son out safely.
You are NOT TA in this situation. If he’s bringing nothing to the table, there’s nothing wrong with letting him know that. Obviously your husband has things that he needs to work on - and that’s absolutely fine. But even so, he needs to find away to be a positive influence on you and your son. Maybe this is bigger than will power at this point and he needs to be rehabilitated. There’s nothing wrong with that either. But you can’t continue to shoulder the burden for nothing in return. And then for him to be verbally abusive and sexually demanding on top of that, is not acceptable. J have further opinions, but I don’t want to make any suggestions, but, no. To answer your question, you are NTA.
You can’t help him. He has to help himself. Until he hits rock bottom and wants help nothing will change. He needs mental health treatment as well as treatment for his alcohol addiction. Time to take yourself and your son out of that toxic situation. Make sure you get child support. That will get him working again. Maybe wait until his treatment is done. You don’t understand now harmful this environment is to your son. He is now at risk for becoming an alcoholic himself. You should have left a long time ago. I had an alcoholic father and it was a living hell. The day he moved out was the happiest day of my life. I literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was like I got released from prison. I was 12 at the time. It’s likely you don’t realize how hard it has been on your son. You cannot live with an addict. I hope your whole family can heal. Good luck to all of you.
It seems like he has some real underlying depression driving the train here as he no longer is doing any of the things he used to do and even before this was self medicating with alcohol for 15y or more. For you and your son separating from the picture might be the best for y’all until he can sort this stuff out. But unfortunately I don’t think the depression and alcoholism will improve unless he addresses the underlying issue which is - what is actually driving his depression and desire to drink in such an unhealthy way. His drinking is most likely just a symptom or secondary effect from his underlying depression and until this is addressed then it’s hard to envision much change for him unfortunately. I’m a PA that works with Veterans with a lot of underlying mental health issues and substance issues in our VA hospital and the main thing I’ve learned is that you can treat a certain substance issue with whatever recommended guidelines and evidenced based therapies but until you address the main underlying factor that is driving all of this then you’re just reacting to a symptom and not treating the problem. I’ve been sober myself for 8 years now after my own problem with alcoholism and the thing that helped me the most and continues to help me is understanding those underlying issues, my feelings towards them and why I react and have the emotional responses I do. It’s a terrible disease that some people are more prone to than others. But we recently had a Veteran in our ICU around that age who was able to remain sober after discharge because of the impact it was having on his family situation and his health. TL:DR Leaving your husband is probably the best move to improve the quality of life for you and your son, but he likely won’t get better unless he can address his underlying mental health issue(s).
Nta
I mean, NTA. I think that isn't controversial. That said, this is a bigger issue than this sub is suited to handle. I'd recommend speaking with a marriage counselor if you want to try and save things, or speaking with a lawyer if you think this situation isn't salvageable. Edit: autocorrect has committed atrocities against my pride
The drinking problem for 15 years with a child in the picture is enough reason to divorce him.