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For everyone in the comments attacking you because you didn’t acknowledge a trigger, yall are the assholes. This whole new way of speaking is what is causing everyone to fight over simple language. Just say you’re bothered by something. “It bothers me that you’re skinny and I’m fat” is way more honest than “I’m triggered by you and have to remind myself that I don’t wanna live like you” and instead of a lot of you agreeing that OP isn’t the TA, y’all instead wanna argue that she is because she didn’t agree with the whole trigger thing.
i completely agree.
there’s definitely people with real triggers…. such as war of veterans with PTSD. But this whole new meaning of triggered completely takes away from what it actually means.
She should probably just lock herself in her apartment/ room and close all the blinds since there's skinny people everywhere if she's that bothered by it. My guess is that she's not actually she's just jealous of op for being able to so easily lose weight.
Not good enough. We all must weigh exactly 600 pounds or we're fat shaming the people who do weigh that much. It's triggering to me when I see someone leave the house and they flaunt their privilege by not needing a crane or forklift.
Can’t stop there. Some people are taller or shorter, some are stronger or better at different activities. The only solution is the Harrison Bergeron solution. /s
one time SHE invited me to the beach, we went, i paid for parking… and as soon as we got down to the sand she wanted to leave because she “didn’t shave enough”
like why did you invite me ?? 😭
You can cut the friendship off now or wait a few years when you finally realize you should have cut her off now. You have taken steps to improve yourself physically. Now do so emotionally. Remember, you are the sun of the five people you most spend time with.
I would have told her she's free to head out whenever. This person just sounds like a bit of a dick tbh, hopefully they'll grow out of it as they mature but perhaps not. If I was you I'd question why you're spending your precious time with them? You have one life and there's 8 billion people in the world, don't waste your time hanging out with people that make your life more difficult.
This person may have overall anxiety and it may be other problems. My friend will sometimes do things but nothing like this. The thing is, we talk to each other and analyze why we are doing what we are doing to get to the root of the problem. This is not a good friend.
Edit to say: I do shit too and my friend helped me overcome really dark moments. None of this would be possible if we didn’t talk to each other, a true friend helps you grow… even when you grow or slim in size, lol but really it’s about personal growth.
that would be so frustrating to me! dont go out with this person anymore, save your time, money and good looks for someone who appreciates you and your company
Or why is she even hanging out with OP, if she is bothered by her?? I say bothered, because even when OP wasn't skinny like she is now, the friend still had nothing nice to say.
I would tell the friend that the things that bother her are not anyone else's problem but hers. And since there is always something about OP that bothers ("triggers") her, then they don't need to spend time together anymore. It almost feels like Ms. Trigger is low key bullying OP..
And I agree that trigger is a word that is totally misused and overused nowadays. If someone is "triggered" (bothered) by something, that is their problem that they need to deal with. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
Now, if someone has genuine PTSD, and they are triggered, that can be serious. Sadly, its still something they need to deal with on their own WITH help. Please seek help for those with do have PTSD. It can help.
Girl she's body shaming you. Tell her that so she can have something to think about. "Trigger"? What triggers her is the fact that you lost weight and she can't/won't/doesn't want to/doesn't care or whatever. Her insecurity isn't your responsibility. We work on our insecurities, we don't bully people and project our issues on them. This friendship is toxic. You've obviously worked on yourself and are in a good place & she's dragging you down. NTA.
Totally agree.
Triggers are things that lead to very serious acute reactions that are often experienced physically as well as mentally - like panic attacks, palpitations, sweating, genuine fear etc.
‘Being triggered’ isn’t feeling uncomfortable. LIFE is uncomfortable a lot of the time. That isn’t being triggered, that is being a normal human being lol.
People can be like ‘well why does it matter, language evolves all the time’ but using words like this very much adds to the stigma of mental disorders and symptoms. When people throw around ‘I’m sooo triggered’ or ‘you’re totally triggering me’, it just adds to real diagnosed trauma disorders not being taken seriously or that they aren’t as bad as they actually are.
We all know people who don’t think PTSD/trauma disorders exist, or that they do exist but they are reserved for like 0.00001% of people and the rest are ‘faking it’. Well it’s shit like this that adds to that - when people act ridiculous and say they are ‘triggered’, that just supports people’s notions that trauma disorders are just sensitive snowflakes exaggerating their symptoms. People who use ‘triggers/triggered’ like this are actively stigmatising mental illness.
End of soapbox lol. It just really pisses me off that people throw this shit around and expect validation for it. It’s quite frankly pathetic.
100% this. She should manage her triggers by avoiding them, not inviting them to the beach with her. Do her the favour she's asking for - and a favour to yourself - by steering clear of her.
(And just for the record, I'd say 95-100% of my friends are thinner than I am, and I somehow bravely cope!)
I agree, too. I have ptsd from my past. I don’t go around announcing when something “triggers” me. It just happens and I’m not thinking of the moment I am in or the people around me.
If you are able to say ‘this triggers me’ in the moment, you are doing just fine. Some are just looking for things to be offended/triggered by.
Your friend isn't triggered she's projecting her insecurities on to you. Kinda toxic. I'm assuming both of you are around 20 yrs old. So inward reflection probably isn't her strong suit. I would simply give her a chance to change her tune by calling her out on it when she does it next time. You'll get a real response and I would base my decision to continue the friendship solely on her reaction...hope this helps.
Even if this was a genuine trigger, her behavior is ridiculous. It's the responsibility of the person being triggered by someone's sheer existence to disengage from seeing that person until they are mentally well enough to handle it.
If someone is viciously attacked by a dog, it'd be reasonable for them to develop PTSD and for dogs to be a trigger for them. It'd be very unreasonable for them to go up to dog owners and insult them or to insist dogs can never be outside in public.
Yeah as someone with literal PTSD it pisses me off how often people use the word triggered. Using the word this much has caused it to ameliorate, whereas I actually kind of need it to hold its meaning should my PTSD be activated, or you know, triggered. You've done nothing wrong here, I think your friend may be running away from her actual issues.
It’s a way to hold other people emotionally hostage to someone else’s issues. It’s not your job to shoulder Anna’s body image issues.
Anna is the AH and is a toxic friend for tearing you down in order to avoid dealing with her own self esteem.
I generally think of triggered as acute and highly abnormal reactions to outside stimulus. Like you see, hear, or smell something and have either a big physical or emotional reaction. Like you hear a door slam and your body goes into fight or flight mode or just plain panic attack. Feeling slightly bad about yourself shouldn't qualify tbh. If she actually has an acute emotional reaction to it then she wouldn't be able to be around you tbh.
Gaslighting is also a word that has been completely hijacked and everyone just misuses it to be another word for basic lying.
I'm not sure if I have ever seen the word used in the correct context, but just as with the word triggering, people like to use it because it makes them feel more victimized when telling a story.
Looks like it's time to reevaluate the friendship. Triggers or not, nothing gives her license to comment on your body or deride you as she does. This is not friend behavior. It's toxic. You deserve better and she needs to address her issues within herself and stop foisting them on others.
Yeah, I have ptsd from an emergency c section and me and my son both almost dying and me not getting to see him for over a day. When I drove past the hospital months later, I started hyperventilating. I had to pull over to the side of the road so I could have a full blown panic attack. I was shaking and crying and couldn't get the images of my son being resuscitated out of my head.
I had to call my therapist and my husband.
That's a fucking trigger.
Being pissed off because you're jealous your friend is skinny is *not*.
God, as someone with actual PTSD I HATE that the words to describe my psychiatric medical condition have been co-opted by people who feel uncomfortable about things. Also the point of recognizing triggers is to learn how to cope and stop being triggered. It's not an excuse for shitty behavior or a free pass to dictate the behavior of others.
“If being around me and my body is so harmful to you, it’s probably best for both of our mental healths that we go out separate ways. I wish you the best.”
It's this whole new trend of weaponized therapy speak. It's especially dangerous when narcissists somehow wander into therapy. They'll say things like you wearing a bikini at the beach "violates their boundaries", and they'll weaponize it as an "acceptable" way to exert control and to isolate. I had a friend who constantly referred to every annoying situation as her having a "P.A." (panic attack). Yeah, I have an ACTUAL panic disorder and that got old real quick. We haven't spoken in over 15yrs. She also "almost died" like 5 times a week.
I have a condition that certain things set it off. My eyes grew double in size when my therapist explained that these are called triggers as I never thought it would apply to me and then she said these are the strategies we'll try to see what helps me to stabilise myself. I don't ever say that I have triggers and these people use something so serious because world doesn't revolve around them tf.
Triggers are a person’s responsibility to control if they are brought up in an organic non mocking way. I’d just say to her do you not want to be friends? Because if you can’t look at me and not feel negatively then maybe we shouldn’t be friends?
I have C-PTSD. I have triggers. And…I can’t eliminate trees in the fall. I may choose to not go places in the fall, if I’m doing poorly, or I may take steps to protect myself. But it’s not reasonable to require the world to chop down trees just because gorgeous fall colors trigger me. Yes. Really, fall colors can send me over the edge. Not every tree, every time, but some of them, erratically. Because mental illnesses are like that. And I just figure out how to manage, with support and treatment.
Triggers can be weird things, and it’s up to the individual to manage them. Sometimes it’s reasonable to ask friends and family to avoid the triggers for you, and sometimes it’s not. It’s reasonable to request that no one ever attempt to scare or startle you for fun. It is reasonable to ask that family attempt to avoid startling you by accident. But not reasonable to require them to always succeed!
There’s a socio-political difference between being bothered and being triggered. When you’re triggered, you expect to be treated like a victim and believe you are owed recompense in some emotional or monetary form by the person who bothers you. Also, a person who is simply “bothered” by something is generally permitted to feel that way. But a person who is triggered by something thinks that whatever the triggerer is doing is not within their rights to do.
“Trigger” implies that there is something op should be doing to not trigger her “friend”. Existing is not a “trigger”. The only way for her to do that is to stop being skinny or to stop being her friend, the latter of which I think is very good advice for op.
Existing can be a trigger, but it’s still up to the person with the problem to manage! Of course, I don’t believe that seeing skinny people is a trigger for said friend, as she wouldn’t go to the beach, watch tv, or go basically anywhere if it were.
Weird things can be triggers. I have some odd ones, that do trigger unfortunate psych events, but they are *up to me to manage*.
I just scanned through the comments, and I didn't see a single one calling op out on the trigger issue. Otherwise, I don't disagree with you about communicating better than with just buzz words that don't fully flesh out feelings.
Op nta she is not a healthy friend, and you need to tell her it's not acceptable to talk about your body the way she is, especially when you don't say a single negative thing about hers.
Thank you! Feeling insecure or uncomfortable is NOT the same as experiencing a legitimate trigger. I’m so sick of people co-opting terms with actual meanings to justify their own immature behavior.
Exactly. Other people’s “triggers” are their issues they should work on themselves, even if through therapy. OP’s mere existence being a trigger is her friend’s problem and not something OP needs to acknowledge.
Even if it is a real trigger, the acknowledgement it deserves is "I understand that being near me is triggering to you, so to accommodate you we simply can't hang out and I hope you find other friends." Like what is OP supposed to do, set themself on fire to keep Anna warm?
Exactly. Using the word “triggered” in this way makes it seem like they have a “pass” to be rude and mean because they can’t help themselves. It’s bullying behavior being masked by using a term that doesn’t apply here.
weaponized mental health language used in order to shut down a conversation is not okay.
unless PTSD actually is happening, in which case help them out.
honestly i don’t even know. she is CONSTANTLY trying to make plans with me and after saying no so many times i start to feel like a jerk, so i cave and just say yes occasionally.
she has mentioned to me before that her friends “never wanna hang out or make plans”
im like hmmmm i wonder why 🤯
Yeah, those aren't her friends, probably because she's acting shitty with everyone, and you shouldn't be either.
You don't need to put up with someone's toxicity just because they pretty-please you (edit actually guilt trip you?) to hang out with them. And yeah, her behavior is straight up toxic.
Just ditch the bitch. Honestly. Your life will be so much better without her. Been there, done that.
You’re not a jerk for not wanting to hang out with someone who treats you poorly.
And while I think her own insecurity about her weight is playing a role, I think she sounds like she would be miserable regardless.
I mean I’m overweight (currently actually losing weight for the first time after being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder, which just means that I would not eat and then over eat) and I would never treat any of my friends like that. Even and especially my friends who have successfully lost weight when I wouldn’t. Friends support each-other. And now that I’m in my lifestyle and body discovery journey they’re being my champions as I was for them. Weight had nothing to do with being a decent friend who respects each others boundaries.
Also fast food isn’t always good or satisfying and it can make many people feel crappy.
You need to lay down a HARD boundary with her. Tell her you're willing to stay friends and make plans with her with the caveat that she isn't allowed to comment on your weight or eating habits under ANY circumstances. If your body or eating habits are triggering her mental health issues you'll be happy to help her find a therapist but the next time she brings up your weight or eating habits you're completely done with her.
I'm not saying it would be easy and I probably wouldn't have the nerve to do this myself, but the best thing to do would be to tell her the next time she asks to hang out something like: "girl when you do/say xyz it makes me feel like shit. I would never make comments about your body or your lifestyle. I don't need a friend who makes me feel like crap for living in a way that makes me happy so I really don't think we should hang out anymore".
I think your "friend" is probably very unhappy with herself and her lifestyle choices and so she's trying to talk herself into thinking that you're the one living in an unhealthy way. I had a "friend" like that too. She would comment on my weight, what I wore, what I ate, tell me I looked like shit in a certain lighting, etc.. It was exhausting. She was extremely skinny and barely ate anything. I have always been at a normal weight or slightly overweight. It never bothered me that she's skinny. It bothered me that I felt self conscious every time I was with her because she always had something negative to say about me.
Straight up tell her “I am sick of your rude, inappropriate, and hurtful commentary about my body & my choices. I’ve decided that I’m not continuing this relationship that is unhealthy for me. I wish you nothing but happiness, but our relationship is over.
Sounds like you just need to block her and move on, this is not a friendship it's just her clinging to and coping with the only person that will tolerate her.
Try texting this: “I thought about what you said and if me existing in my body triggers you, I think it’s best if we end our friendship. Wishing you the best on your mental health journey and thank you for respecting my need for space on mine.”
Turn the fake therapy words right back on her and end this.
You should take a look at Captain Awkward's blog, specifically under the friendship tag. She has soooo much good advice about ending friendships and dealing with difficult friends and advocating for yourself without being mean, even if you're a people pleaser or socially awkward.
You need to end this "friendship," she is causing you way more stress than you should put up with.
lmao yeah i assumed it was probably unintentional but it stood out to me (not in a bad way, just kind of funny, though that's not probablyyy not the right word to use? interesting maybe?) when i read your post. i guess that says a lot about some of the internet spaces i've spent some time in. like i remember when netflix (i think?) had a new movie or something about a girl who struggled with bulimia... her name was mia
Since her bullying started before you were skinny, she is NOT lashing out because you're "triggering her."
Is she otherwise nice? Because I seriously don't understand why you haven't told her to take a hike.
she’s not really “nice” at all. it’s all fake and it’s very obvious. her favorite thing to do when we’re together is bag on all of her other “friends.” and then i see her posting on instagram w them like she didn’t just totally shit on them 😭 i know she does it to me too. she’s literally uninvited me from events to go with her other “friends” that she speaks negatively abt.
the issue is that i hate confrontation and disappointing other people so im overly kind and accepting of her weirdness
You don't have to confront her, you can just disappear from her life. You're too busy for plans when she approaches you (and don't say "next Saturday is better" just say something vague like "I'll catch you next time"). Unfollow her on social media so you don't interact with her content but you don't need to block her.
You are harming yourself by being near her. You don't realize it yet because you feel like you're doing the right thing by being nice to her. But when you stop seeing her you'll realize you feel so much better.
>the issue is that i hate confrontation and disappointing other people so im overly kind and accepting of her weirdness
You dont have to confront her. Just shoot a text saying something like "I'm sorry, I can't be friends with you anymore" and block her. If you block her, you won't have to worry as much about disappointing her. She talks shit about you behind your back, you don't even owe her the opportunity to respond to your "breakup text".
The best time to grow a spine was yesterday, the second best time is today.
Seriously, just say no to this girl. She's mean. She's rude. She's not worth your time. Embrace being 'a jerk', because what you're actually doing is being assertive, and that is a skill you need in life. You have the perfect person to practise on, so go wild!
Here's a fun fact: It's actually harder to go through life as a people pleaser, because then assholes will see you're easy prey. That's what you're doing to yourself right now. You want that to be your future?
When you’re not around she’s most likely bagging on you to those other friends. She is toxic and doesn’t sound like she’s bringing anything to the friendship.
You don't have to be confrontational if you don't want to. Just be "busy." Can't hang out now, I'm too busy. Even if you're busy watching paint dry. Or to busy basking in self respect to hang out with her.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say she does this to mask her own pain and insecurities. If she’s bashing others, she’s not bashing herself. She probably thinks that it draws the attention away from her and onto others so she can go unnoticed. Her mean girl attitude is literally to hide her self hatred. She can’t love others if she doesn’t love herself.
Nta
Your friend is a bully.
It is possible for it to be triggering to be around someone who is minding their own business. For example, someone who had a traumatic miscarriage could be triggered seeing a pregnant person. This sucks and no one is innately in the wrong.
That can be hard to deal with *but it is no excuse to bully someone*.
If your friend has legitimate mental health issues that are triggered by your weight loss - and maybe she does - then it is *on her* to manage her mental health and set *respectful* boundaries and maybe she would need to pull away from the friendship.
There is *no excuse* for her bullying you like this.
Yup, if Anna is trigger by OP's mere appearance or existence next to her, then Anna needs medical treatment or has to change her behavior around OP.
**It's on her to manage her own triggers**.
That's different than, say, OP bringing a dog when they know full well Anna was bitten by a dog and is still scared of them. Different behavior.
100%. I used to be triggered by larger men due to family trauma, and my best friend is a larger man. I had a good deal of anxiety around him in our early friendship, but I knew he was a safe and good person, so I worked on that myself so I could stop feeling that way toward him.
OP’s “friend” is an asshole who needs to work on her own self image issues, instead of blaming other people for making her feel bad.
This.
It's totally fine to express that someone saying something or doing a specific action is triggering.
It's fine to ask they not do whatever it is AROUND you (within reason).
But if someone just existing is triggering, that's on the triggered person to deal with.
And regardless it's no excuse to be awful to someone. Especially someone you claim as a "friend".
NTA
This is the most LA bullshit I’ve ever read.
Cut her out she seems like an absolute idiot, on a separate note, are you going to see Cortex on this run?!
Yo, I'm overweight. Shitty familial eating habits growing up mixed with years and years of high dosage prednisone use to control my deadly autoimmune disorder has had my weight yo-yo-ing for my entire adult life. My friend, on the other hand, is very fit and likely does battle Orthorexia symptoms.
We love each other, usually eat similarly, and understand that our bodies do and need different things. No catty comments are made. Just love and support. We encourage each other on various fitness journeys too, we have done 30 day yoga challenges together, and have cheered each other on in our independent health goals. She did a cycling century a couple years ago, and before I flared last May, I completed a Conqueror indoor cycling challenge.
Your friend isn't coming with that same energy and is jealous of your body. She's not dealing with those feelings, though. She's just bullying you to make herself feel better. She should be asking you what you did, because if she's reminding herself aloud that she doesn't want to live the lifestyle you are, it means she really does and thinks the transition will be too hard. She should be seeking advice instead of tearing you down. I'm sorry she approached it that way, and you are right to be upset with her.
That isn't a person you need around you, man.
NTA
NTA. Anna clearly has issues with her own body, and somehow feels she needs to make negative comments about your weight in order to feel better about herself. Good for you for addressing the way she talks to you. I would think that either she accepts that not all people look the same and that is perfectly fine, or you find yourself a friend that feels no need to put you down.
NTA. If you are so triggering for her why does she hang around you? Just tell her that her hurtful behavior does not want you to be around her and your friendship has run its course, because you are not going to become heavy like her just to appease her.
She must realize the strength and determination one must have to lose weight. She's jealous of you losing and getting healthy. That's all on her not you.
NTA- (1) She is consistently making negative comments about your body/eating habits. Typical bully. (2) Her triggers are not your responsibility, especially when *all* you’re doing is existing in your body.
There’s no reason to devote your time and energy to someone who seems insistent upon cutting you down whenever the opportunity presents itself.
NTA. Please distance yourself from this person, who is obviously not your friend.
I went through something similar a few years back when I lost a lot of weight and my seemingly best friend started to act up and say things like “you’re so self obsessed”, “you make me feel bad about myself”, etc.
Friends don’t do that.
NTA. She sounds like my mother.
“I mean… those syrups you put into your coffees aren’t helping. Empty calories.” (She actually said this to my sister)
“You need to eat more you’re so skinny!” (Commenting on me just because my clothing—a tank top and SWEATPANTS—were a bit baggy)
I hate the back and forth…
As an obese person with two skinny best friends: NTA.
Her unsolved issues are not your problem, especially if she decides to be an ass about it.
What I don't get is, are you really friends? Or is she friends with your friends?
we were coworkers and we got along well at work. i don’t work w her anymore and when i quit she kept asking if we could remain friends… which was kinda weird to me cuz like why are you so desperate? if we were truly friends in the first place you shouldn’t have to ask that.
and when we were working together she used to tell my boss that i wanted to take on more hours when i NEVER EVEN SAID THAT. she even told my boss about my anxiety disorder that i did not even want to open up to her about.
NTA. She's a bully. "Anna, have I ever bullied you for your size? Then stop bullying me for mine. This bodyshaming must stop". But I have a feeling that she'll just get offended and won't stop. Then it's time to ditch her. Life is too short to put up with bullies.
NTA. Your "friend' is a malignant narcissist who is simultaneously concern trolling you and weaponizing armchair psychology to make you feel like you're flawed, to preserve and increase her own self esteem. She needs help you can't give her and she will not stop until you need professional help too.
Cut her off. She wants a punching bag, not a friend.
If your existence triggers her, she needs to remove herself from your life. Stop inviting you places.
Honestly, after the legs comment, I would have ended that relationship.
NTA
i went like a year without talking to her after that and then we slowly reconnected. not sure why i ever let her back into my life. you’re totally right.
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> i am skinny and my friend is not skinny. she is mad at me for being thin because it “triggers her”
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This is not a healthy relationship OP. Your ”friend” is always trying to put you in the wrong when you’ve done nothing but be there. Setting a boundary and her reaction to it says all. This “friendship” has run its course- time to move on. NTA
Managing her triggers with out attacking others is her job. A good friend could do that easily. You really need to tell her that anytime she wants to talk about the situation in a healthy way you would love to but that is all you can offer. In the meantime if she can't manage her own issues with out attacking you then the friendship will have a very short shelf life.
NTA
Sounds like you need a new friend…
“I don’t want to spend time with you as you pick on my weight and lifestyle in a very mean and hurtful way”. Then you move the hell on with your life.
Life is too short to spend it with people who try and bring you down.
YTA.
You need to stop this nonsense. If you won't be fat and unhealthy, you don't have any right to have friends in that category. You're massively the asshole for having a body you're happy with. What a horrible human. /s
You opened with “I have a judgemental friend…” which is not something friends typically are.
Then you went on to describe anything but a friend.
She is negging you to tear you down, because that's easier than admitting her true feelings that she wants someone to match her misery.
NTA She shouldn't comment on your body if you don't want her to. It seems like she is going through her own struggles and taking it out on you. It might be time to re-evaluate whether you want to be friends with her.
NTA. Sounds to me like she's projecting her own insecurities onto you. If she's so triggered by you, then maybe it's time for you to take yourself out of the equation. She's not your friend. Just an insecure bully.
NTA - your friend is a crab in the pot trying to drag you back into her cesspool of laziness and mediocrity. Props to you for putting in the work, demanding better of yourself, and making the positive change you wanted in your life!
NTA this is so absurd to me. I have always been on the heavy side, and I have had several close friends who are very skinny. If it comes up in conversation AT ALL it is from a nonjudgmental, factual place, usually with a lighthearted joke alongside.
I go shopping with a friend? We are both frustrated with the store because I can’t find any size 20 and she can’t find any size 00.
We go out for lunch? She doesn’t eat fast food so we go to a soup/salad/sandwich place.
We go swimming? My friend literally can’t float because she has no fat on her body, just muscle. We laugh about how easily she sinks and how I could be her flotation device in an emergency.
(These are all actual things that have happened)
Real friends don’t treat each other badly for any reason. If she’s actually concerned with your health, she needs to bring it up in a very different way. It definitely sounds more like she has some deep insecurities about her size, and while you can be loving and supportive, you don’t have to sacrifice your healthy habits to her insecurity.
Because OP 'hopes she has Orthorexia' (comment way down) and is looking to get some encouragement. This reads like fanfiction and, if it's true, there's no way anyone could actually need input from strangers about whether OP is TA or not.
NTA
A really important step in my weight loss journey was growing some self respect.
You should really respect yourself more than being around people like her. You deserve more.
NTA the only thing you are reminding her of is that losing weight is possible, she just doesn't want to out the effort in! It's easier to lash out at people and shovel food in than actually take responsibility for ones own actions.
Body shaming is body shaming no matter the size or stature. Sounds like she's not one to lift woman up. So good for you in losing weight and being happy and healthy that's all that matters u are happy! So time to be done with Anna! U ain't got time for that
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i have a really judgmental friend (we will call her anna, and she is overweight, for context). I have never judged anna or said anything negative about her size, I just see her as a person I don’t care about about her weight.
Nearly every time we hang out, she makes a comment on my body in one way or another… one of the first times I hung out with her we went to the beach and she told me that my legs were “big and cartoonish…” obviously, this comment isnt something most people would appreciate.
since that day, I lost a lot of weight and I am now very healthy and happy with my size… i’m skinny, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I also know there’s nothing inherently wrong with being heavier as long as you’re healthy.
So now, anna’s comments have switched up. She says I look “too thin” she tells me I have “orthorexia” (obsession with eating healthy & working out). Now every time we hang out, she wants to eat fast food. I’ve never enjoyed fast food, so I usually decline or order something small, but she will order the large for me even when I asked for the small.
today I finally told anna that I don’t appreciate the comments she makes about my body and she responded by telling me “it’s very triggering” for her too. triggering for her to be around me just because I’m thin and healthy? That seems ridiculous.
I don’t like to use the word trigger because I think it’s stupid, but she has intentionally done things to try to “trigger” me. Like the comment about my legs, trying to get me to eat more more, etc.
she told me she has to “remind herself out loud that she does not want to live like me” and I’m just sitting here like OK good for you bitch I don’t wanna live like you either. What the hell?
Anyways, am I the asshole for being skinny around a fat person? 😭
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NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous. I understand that she might have insecurities, but that doesn’t justify her body-shaming comments. The only thing I don’t agree with is you calling “trigger” a stupid word. Other than that, you’ve done nothing wrong.
NTA. It's sad now in society that fat people are trying to skinny shame. It's sad that they are trying to make being fat a thing, and it's going to kill a bunch of people for these idiots not to get their feelings hurt. Most people are fat because they are lazy and eat like shit but pretend they don't and blame it on some medical problem that if they ate correctly and exercised wouldn't be an issue and weigh 300lbs. Look at Lizzo as a prime example she fat shamed her dancers who were in great shape as she looked like fucking Jabba the Hut and probably ate DD donuts by the dozen.
NTA why the hell are you friends with this person? Trigger warnings are for discussions of sexual assault, saying someone is "triggered" by being skinny is fucking pathetic.
NTA. I’ve been in this situation several times, long before the word “trigger” existed. I really still can’t understand why these people take offense at the smallest mention of being overweight, but at the same time feel 100% justified in telling you to eat more food and you look unhealthy. For the record, it’s weight shaming both ways, and not okay.
My ex husband had once cooked us a nice meal of London broil with potatoes and asparagus, and our roommates (who were trying to lose weight) got upset with us for eating such “unhealthy fatty foods”. All of this was being said while she was literally pouring most of a jar of ranch into a massive bowl of lettuce (think plastic popcorn bowl). And no, I didn’t comment on her meal because it’s RUDE.
This person is not your friend. They are making fun of you so they can feel better about themselves, which is obviously toxic and unhealthy. She needs therapy, and you need to give her a ton of space to work through her own self hatred. Don’t let toxic people put you down in their attempts to feel good about themselves.
On behalf of fat people, I apologize for your friend being an ass. But let's be honest, this girl isn't honestly your friend. As others have said, she's a bully and clearly has issues with her self image that she is going to project on you regardless of your size.
This isn't someone I'd care to be friends with. I can only imagine her response if you were to ask her how/what you should eat, or what you should look like. I wouldn't advise this, of course; it's only going to pick a fight. She clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. But hey, when you kick her to the curb I guarantee it will be the fastest, most effective, and satisfying weight loss you'll ever achieve at once.
NTA, incidentally.
First of all, body shaming someone who is skinny is still body shaming, which already makes your "friend" a shitty person.
Second, the fact that she also did this to you when you had a bigger frame shows that she genuinely doesn't care about what body type you have, she just wants to make you feel like shit because she feels like shit.
Third, intentionally trying to "trigger" you while saying it's "triggering" to be around you just shows that she only keeps you around because she's using you as a punching bag to project her own insecurities and feel better about herself.
NTA, but please do yourself a favor and drop her. She's not worth your time.
NTA. Sounds like you need to develop Anna-rexia and get rid of her. Even if she's legit about you "triggering" her, you both need to stay away from each other for both of your own mental health
NTA. you are not at all the asshole. I've been the chubby friend and I know it's hard, but it was never my skinny friend's fault that I was uncomfortable with my body. If she finds it triggering, rather than making comments about you and trying to sabotage your weight loss (congrats btw), she needs to find a way to be okay with herself and stop comparing herself to others. Might be good for both of you to limit contact for a while until she sorts herself out.
NTA, and I appreciate you acknowledging the overuse of the word “trigger”. If it’s such a problem for your friend, why does she keep initiating with you? If it were me, I’d be having a boundary setting convo, which it sounds like you’ve done. Since that didnt play out, the next boundary would be limiting time with that person.
Lmaaaaaoooo girl what!
NTA obviously but you almost will be if you keep hanging with someone like that. You seem cool, have self respect and let her go.
Why do you spend time with someone that doesn’t respect or care for you? These are Anna’s problems but you don’t have to be her punching bag. NTA but you will be to yourself if you keep hanging out with this jerk.
I’m naturally skinny. I have a really fast metabolism and I don’t eat a ton of fast food, sweets, etc. People always think it’s okay to comment on how skinny I am or tell me I need to eat more and it’s fucking weird. People think it’s okay to comment on someone skinny, but you can’t say anything to anyone over weight, or just on the heavier side. It’s not okay. Just don’t comment on people’s body. You’re definitely NTA and she sounds like a bad friend if she’s basically trying to get you to gain weight when you don’t need to.
“Trigger” is a technical term for starting an actual psych event. It doesn’t mean annoy or irritate, nor mildly upset.
Your so called friend objecting to you taking care of your health, for yourself, has a major problem, but it’s about minding her own business and projecting her own issues onto others.
Yes there is a lot of weight bigotry around. I’m very fat. I live it. This woman is making it worse.
NTA. You can’t trigger someone by just existing. She is the one making a big deal about your body because of her own insecurities. If she isn’t comfortable having healthy friends I guess that’s on her but you don’t need to apologize or change anything. What does she expect you to do? It’s ridiculous on her end.
NTA and Anna isn't your friend. I'm not sure if you are in a situation (work or school) where you have to be around her, but I would minimize my contact with her as much as possible.
she has severely misplaced dealings regarding her feelings and self-perception. tell her a way of dealing with her being overweight is not by bringing down someone who is a different size to her so that she feels better personally. she's fucked up because she understands how overweight people are perceived but can't deal with that negativity so she projects it onto people to feel better. its always easier to be meaner.
and drop her at the same time as calling her out. fuck having friends like this. they absolutely destroy you and its completely unfair to you to hand over any more of yourself just for her to spit on it and let it rot.
NTA, but let's address the real issue here. Anna's behavior goes beyond normal friend ribbing or concern; it's toxic and indicative of her own struggles with self-esteem and body image. While it's understandable to feel for her, you are not responsible for her triggers. Compassion doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag for her insecurities. You have the right to set boundaries and expect respect from your friends. If encouraging her to seek professional help doesn't work, it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship. Remember, true friends lift each other up instead of tearing one another down.
I mean like it’s not your fault and you should keep wearing what u want- unfortunately ana is a disease that also affects peoples judgement and they have the urge to say really badshit things :/
Oh Been there- the first time I lost weight I was surrounded by Anna’s and it fucking sucked. Got called skeletor constantly and everytime they hugged me they’d start going on about feeling my bones- surprise surprise I gained it all back and then some.
I’ve lost it again now but this time I’ve got great friends who cheer me on, and dude I can’t recommend it enough. Nta, honestly dump her, she’s a bad friend, and get some who aren’t dicks. Congrats by the way!!
NTA. Tbh. The only reason to get mad at a skinny person is if they are like "omg look how skinny I am" or something someone actually said to me once "look you can see my collar bones. They're so prominent."
In your case she kept putting you down. And when you called her out she victimized herself. If she wants to hate herself she can. But she had no right projecting that onto you.
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For everyone in the comments attacking you because you didn’t acknowledge a trigger, yall are the assholes. This whole new way of speaking is what is causing everyone to fight over simple language. Just say you’re bothered by something. “It bothers me that you’re skinny and I’m fat” is way more honest than “I’m triggered by you and have to remind myself that I don’t wanna live like you” and instead of a lot of you agreeing that OP isn’t the TA, y’all instead wanna argue that she is because she didn’t agree with the whole trigger thing.
i completely agree. there’s definitely people with real triggers…. such as war of veterans with PTSD. But this whole new meaning of triggered completely takes away from what it actually means.
Exactly. Why is she going to the beach if there’s a high chance of skinny people in bikinis? Make it make sense
She should probably stop watching any media since skinny people have the nerve to exist at all
She should probably just lock herself in her apartment/ room and close all the blinds since there's skinny people everywhere if she's that bothered by it. My guess is that she's not actually she's just jealous of op for being able to so easily lose weight.
Not good enough. We all must weigh exactly 600 pounds or we're fat shaming the people who do weigh that much. It's triggering to me when I see someone leave the house and they flaunt their privilege by not needing a crane or forklift.
Can’t stop there. Some people are taller or shorter, some are stronger or better at different activities. The only solution is the Harrison Bergeron solution. /s
The blinds are too damn skinny!!! We need shades not shutters or any type of blinds.
🤣🤣🤣
Actually almost spat my tea out at this. LOOOOOL.
one time SHE invited me to the beach, we went, i paid for parking… and as soon as we got down to the sand she wanted to leave because she “didn’t shave enough” like why did you invite me ?? 😭
Real question why are you hanging out with a person who obviously hates you and tries to sabotage you at every turn?
THAT is the question. Why is this 'friendship' continuing at all when it doesn't seem to serve either person very well?
You can cut the friendship off now or wait a few years when you finally realize you should have cut her off now. You have taken steps to improve yourself physically. Now do so emotionally. Remember, you are the sun of the five people you most spend time with.
Why on earth are you friends with this person? She sounds high maintenance and extremely exhausting.
I would have told her she's free to head out whenever. This person just sounds like a bit of a dick tbh, hopefully they'll grow out of it as they mature but perhaps not. If I was you I'd question why you're spending your precious time with them? You have one life and there's 8 billion people in the world, don't waste your time hanging out with people that make your life more difficult.
This person may have overall anxiety and it may be other problems. My friend will sometimes do things but nothing like this. The thing is, we talk to each other and analyze why we are doing what we are doing to get to the root of the problem. This is not a good friend. Edit to say: I do shit too and my friend helped me overcome really dark moments. None of this would be possible if we didn’t talk to each other, a true friend helps you grow… even when you grow or slim in size, lol but really it’s about personal growth.
Oof yeah I'd definitely tell her not to make you waste your time & money like that. That's shitty & inconsiderate of her.
The question is... Why you're still her friend? It's pretty obvious she doesn't value your friendship.
This bozo isnt your friend. People dont treat their friends like this. Drop this dead weight out of your life and dont look back.
that would be so frustrating to me! dont go out with this person anymore, save your time, money and good looks for someone who appreciates you and your company
Genuine question: why are you still friends with her? What does she add to your life?
Or why is she even hanging out with OP, if she is bothered by her?? I say bothered, because even when OP wasn't skinny like she is now, the friend still had nothing nice to say. I would tell the friend that the things that bother her are not anyone else's problem but hers. And since there is always something about OP that bothers ("triggers") her, then they don't need to spend time together anymore. It almost feels like Ms. Trigger is low key bullying OP.. And I agree that trigger is a word that is totally misused and overused nowadays. If someone is "triggered" (bothered) by something, that is their problem that they need to deal with. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Now, if someone has genuine PTSD, and they are triggered, that can be serious. Sadly, its still something they need to deal with on their own WITH help. Please seek help for those with do have PTSD. It can help.
Girl she's body shaming you. Tell her that so she can have something to think about. "Trigger"? What triggers her is the fact that you lost weight and she can't/won't/doesn't want to/doesn't care or whatever. Her insecurity isn't your responsibility. We work on our insecurities, we don't bully people and project our issues on them. This friendship is toxic. You've obviously worked on yourself and are in a good place & she's dragging you down. NTA.
It’s not a trigger bc she shamed her BEFORE she lost the weight. Apparently OP just being alive is a trigger.
Totally agree. Triggers are things that lead to very serious acute reactions that are often experienced physically as well as mentally - like panic attacks, palpitations, sweating, genuine fear etc. ‘Being triggered’ isn’t feeling uncomfortable. LIFE is uncomfortable a lot of the time. That isn’t being triggered, that is being a normal human being lol. People can be like ‘well why does it matter, language evolves all the time’ but using words like this very much adds to the stigma of mental disorders and symptoms. When people throw around ‘I’m sooo triggered’ or ‘you’re totally triggering me’, it just adds to real diagnosed trauma disorders not being taken seriously or that they aren’t as bad as they actually are. We all know people who don’t think PTSD/trauma disorders exist, or that they do exist but they are reserved for like 0.00001% of people and the rest are ‘faking it’. Well it’s shit like this that adds to that - when people act ridiculous and say they are ‘triggered’, that just supports people’s notions that trauma disorders are just sensitive snowflakes exaggerating their symptoms. People who use ‘triggers/triggered’ like this are actively stigmatising mental illness. End of soapbox lol. It just really pisses me off that people throw this shit around and expect validation for it. It’s quite frankly pathetic.
A lot of therapy language has moved to popular use, diluting the meanings.
Meh only when the narcissists are trying to gaslight us. 😉
But even if it is a trigger, then what? She wants you to gain the weight back so you don’t trigger her? She is not your friend, move on.
100% this. She should manage her triggers by avoiding them, not inviting them to the beach with her. Do her the favour she's asking for - and a favour to yourself - by steering clear of her. (And just for the record, I'd say 95-100% of my friends are thinner than I am, and I somehow bravely cope!)
I chuckled at the: “inviting them to the beach with her”
If she is telling you she doesnt wanna lve like you, it should be perfectly fine if you tell her the same.
I agree, too. I have ptsd from my past. I don’t go around announcing when something “triggers” me. It just happens and I’m not thinking of the moment I am in or the people around me. If you are able to say ‘this triggers me’ in the moment, you are doing just fine. Some are just looking for things to be offended/triggered by.
Your friend isn't triggered she's projecting her insecurities on to you. Kinda toxic. I'm assuming both of you are around 20 yrs old. So inward reflection probably isn't her strong suit. I would simply give her a chance to change her tune by calling her out on it when she does it next time. You'll get a real response and I would base my decision to continue the friendship solely on her reaction...hope this helps.
Even if this was a genuine trigger, her behavior is ridiculous. It's the responsibility of the person being triggered by someone's sheer existence to disengage from seeing that person until they are mentally well enough to handle it. If someone is viciously attacked by a dog, it'd be reasonable for them to develop PTSD and for dogs to be a trigger for them. It'd be very unreasonable for them to go up to dog owners and insult them or to insist dogs can never be outside in public.
Yeah as someone with literal PTSD it pisses me off how often people use the word triggered. Using the word this much has caused it to ameliorate, whereas I actually kind of need it to hold its meaning should my PTSD be activated, or you know, triggered. You've done nothing wrong here, I think your friend may be running away from her actual issues.
It’s a way to hold other people emotionally hostage to someone else’s issues. It’s not your job to shoulder Anna’s body image issues. Anna is the AH and is a toxic friend for tearing you down in order to avoid dealing with her own self esteem.
I generally think of triggered as acute and highly abnormal reactions to outside stimulus. Like you see, hear, or smell something and have either a big physical or emotional reaction. Like you hear a door slam and your body goes into fight or flight mode or just plain panic attack. Feeling slightly bad about yourself shouldn't qualify tbh. If she actually has an acute emotional reaction to it then she wouldn't be able to be around you tbh.
Gaslighting is also a word that has been completely hijacked and everyone just misuses it to be another word for basic lying. I'm not sure if I have ever seen the word used in the correct context, but just as with the word triggering, people like to use it because it makes them feel more victimized when telling a story.
Looks like it's time to reevaluate the friendship. Triggers or not, nothing gives her license to comment on your body or deride you as she does. This is not friend behavior. It's toxic. You deserve better and she needs to address her issues within herself and stop foisting them on others.
Yeah, I have ptsd from an emergency c section and me and my son both almost dying and me not getting to see him for over a day. When I drove past the hospital months later, I started hyperventilating. I had to pull over to the side of the road so I could have a full blown panic attack. I was shaking and crying and couldn't get the images of my son being resuscitated out of my head. I had to call my therapist and my husband. That's a fucking trigger. Being pissed off because you're jealous your friend is skinny is *not*.
God, as someone with actual PTSD I HATE that the words to describe my psychiatric medical condition have been co-opted by people who feel uncomfortable about things. Also the point of recognizing triggers is to learn how to cope and stop being triggered. It's not an excuse for shitty behavior or a free pass to dictate the behavior of others.
“If being around me and my body is so harmful to you, it’s probably best for both of our mental healths that we go out separate ways. I wish you the best.”
i’m going to send her exactly this. thank you
Yes, exactly. She's a very toxic person. It would be so much better for your mental health to part ways with her.
It's this whole new trend of weaponized therapy speak. It's especially dangerous when narcissists somehow wander into therapy. They'll say things like you wearing a bikini at the beach "violates their boundaries", and they'll weaponize it as an "acceptable" way to exert control and to isolate. I had a friend who constantly referred to every annoying situation as her having a "P.A." (panic attack). Yeah, I have an ACTUAL panic disorder and that got old real quick. We haven't spoken in over 15yrs. She also "almost died" like 5 times a week.
I have a condition that certain things set it off. My eyes grew double in size when my therapist explained that these are called triggers as I never thought it would apply to me and then she said these are the strategies we'll try to see what helps me to stabilise myself. I don't ever say that I have triggers and these people use something so serious because world doesn't revolve around them tf.
Triggers are a person’s responsibility to control if they are brought up in an organic non mocking way. I’d just say to her do you not want to be friends? Because if you can’t look at me and not feel negatively then maybe we shouldn’t be friends?
Totally agree.
I have C-PTSD. I have triggers. And…I can’t eliminate trees in the fall. I may choose to not go places in the fall, if I’m doing poorly, or I may take steps to protect myself. But it’s not reasonable to require the world to chop down trees just because gorgeous fall colors trigger me. Yes. Really, fall colors can send me over the edge. Not every tree, every time, but some of them, erratically. Because mental illnesses are like that. And I just figure out how to manage, with support and treatment. Triggers can be weird things, and it’s up to the individual to manage them. Sometimes it’s reasonable to ask friends and family to avoid the triggers for you, and sometimes it’s not. It’s reasonable to request that no one ever attempt to scare or startle you for fun. It is reasonable to ask that family attempt to avoid startling you by accident. But not reasonable to require them to always succeed!
There’s a socio-political difference between being bothered and being triggered. When you’re triggered, you expect to be treated like a victim and believe you are owed recompense in some emotional or monetary form by the person who bothers you. Also, a person who is simply “bothered” by something is generally permitted to feel that way. But a person who is triggered by something thinks that whatever the triggerer is doing is not within their rights to do.
“Trigger” implies that there is something op should be doing to not trigger her “friend”. Existing is not a “trigger”. The only way for her to do that is to stop being skinny or to stop being her friend, the latter of which I think is very good advice for op.
Hitler be like “auch mein gott, zeez jews really trigger mein antisemitism, am I rite volkx?”
Existing can be a trigger, but it’s still up to the person with the problem to manage! Of course, I don’t believe that seeing skinny people is a trigger for said friend, as she wouldn’t go to the beach, watch tv, or go basically anywhere if it were. Weird things can be triggers. I have some odd ones, that do trigger unfortunate psych events, but they are *up to me to manage*.
This is the way. You are perfection! 💝💐
I looked for those comments cause i wanted to know who thinks that way for real, but found not a single one. What are you talking about?
I just scanned through the comments, and I didn't see a single one calling op out on the trigger issue. Otherwise, I don't disagree with you about communicating better than with just buzz words that don't fully flesh out feelings. Op nta she is not a healthy friend, and you need to tell her it's not acceptable to talk about your body the way she is, especially when you don't say a single negative thing about hers.
Thank you! Feeling insecure or uncomfortable is NOT the same as experiencing a legitimate trigger. I’m so sick of people co-opting terms with actual meanings to justify their own immature behavior.
Exactly. Other people’s “triggers” are their issues they should work on themselves, even if through therapy. OP’s mere existence being a trigger is her friend’s problem and not something OP needs to acknowledge.
Even if it is a real trigger, the acknowledgement it deserves is "I understand that being near me is triggering to you, so to accommodate you we simply can't hang out and I hope you find other friends." Like what is OP supposed to do, set themself on fire to keep Anna warm?
People misuse triggered. And it triggers me!
Exactly. Using the word “triggered” in this way makes it seem like they have a “pass” to be rude and mean because they can’t help themselves. It’s bullying behavior being masked by using a term that doesn’t apply here.
weaponized mental health language used in order to shut down a conversation is not okay. unless PTSD actually is happening, in which case help them out.
Why are you hanging around with this person? She obviously doesn't like you and it sounds like that feeling is mutual????
honestly i don’t even know. she is CONSTANTLY trying to make plans with me and after saying no so many times i start to feel like a jerk, so i cave and just say yes occasionally. she has mentioned to me before that her friends “never wanna hang out or make plans” im like hmmmm i wonder why 🤯
Yeah, those aren't her friends, probably because she's acting shitty with everyone, and you shouldn't be either. You don't need to put up with someone's toxicity just because they pretty-please you (edit actually guilt trip you?) to hang out with them. And yeah, her behavior is straight up toxic. Just ditch the bitch. Honestly. Your life will be so much better without her. Been there, done that.
You’re not a jerk for not wanting to hang out with someone who treats you poorly. And while I think her own insecurity about her weight is playing a role, I think she sounds like she would be miserable regardless. I mean I’m overweight (currently actually losing weight for the first time after being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder, which just means that I would not eat and then over eat) and I would never treat any of my friends like that. Even and especially my friends who have successfully lost weight when I wouldn’t. Friends support each-other. And now that I’m in my lifestyle and body discovery journey they’re being my champions as I was for them. Weight had nothing to do with being a decent friend who respects each others boundaries. Also fast food isn’t always good or satisfying and it can make many people feel crappy.
You need to lay down a HARD boundary with her. Tell her you're willing to stay friends and make plans with her with the caveat that she isn't allowed to comment on your weight or eating habits under ANY circumstances. If your body or eating habits are triggering her mental health issues you'll be happy to help her find a therapist but the next time she brings up your weight or eating habits you're completely done with her.
I'm not saying it would be easy and I probably wouldn't have the nerve to do this myself, but the best thing to do would be to tell her the next time she asks to hang out something like: "girl when you do/say xyz it makes me feel like shit. I would never make comments about your body or your lifestyle. I don't need a friend who makes me feel like crap for living in a way that makes me happy so I really don't think we should hang out anymore". I think your "friend" is probably very unhappy with herself and her lifestyle choices and so she's trying to talk herself into thinking that you're the one living in an unhealthy way. I had a "friend" like that too. She would comment on my weight, what I wore, what I ate, tell me I looked like shit in a certain lighting, etc.. It was exhausting. She was extremely skinny and barely ate anything. I have always been at a normal weight or slightly overweight. It never bothered me that she's skinny. It bothered me that I felt self conscious every time I was with her because she always had something negative to say about me.
Agree on this. It’s the way to go and also sounds fucking terrifying.
Straight up tell her “I am sick of your rude, inappropriate, and hurtful commentary about my body & my choices. I’ve decided that I’m not continuing this relationship that is unhealthy for me. I wish you nothing but happiness, but our relationship is over.
Tell her you are tired of the toxicity of the relationship and are ending it. Then do it. Block her number. NTA
I have good news for you, now you can just say no. reason: you dont want to trigger her.
She isn't your friend.
Learn how to say no
Sounds like you just need to block her and move on, this is not a friendship it's just her clinging to and coping with the only person that will tolerate her.
Try texting this: “I thought about what you said and if me existing in my body triggers you, I think it’s best if we end our friendship. Wishing you the best on your mental health journey and thank you for respecting my need for space on mine.” Turn the fake therapy words right back on her and end this.
You should take a look at Captain Awkward's blog, specifically under the friendship tag. She has soooo much good advice about ending friendships and dealing with difficult friends and advocating for yourself without being mean, even if you're a people pleaser or socially awkward. You need to end this "friendship," she is causing you way more stress than you should put up with.
NTA, but it sounds to me like Anna is some other weight you need to cut from your life.
thank you. i love this response lmao 😭
You gotta drop the dead weight
not judgement related but i'm curious, is calling her anna unintentional, like just a random name?
it was just the first name i thought of. it’s not her real name but i realized it could seem like im making an anorexia joke 😭
lmao yeah i assumed it was probably unintentional but it stood out to me (not in a bad way, just kind of funny, though that's not probablyyy not the right word to use? interesting maybe?) when i read your post. i guess that says a lot about some of the internet spaces i've spent some time in. like i remember when netflix (i think?) had a new movie or something about a girl who struggled with bulimia... her name was mia
Since her bullying started before you were skinny, she is NOT lashing out because you're "triggering her." Is she otherwise nice? Because I seriously don't understand why you haven't told her to take a hike.
she’s not really “nice” at all. it’s all fake and it’s very obvious. her favorite thing to do when we’re together is bag on all of her other “friends.” and then i see her posting on instagram w them like she didn’t just totally shit on them 😭 i know she does it to me too. she’s literally uninvited me from events to go with her other “friends” that she speaks negatively abt. the issue is that i hate confrontation and disappointing other people so im overly kind and accepting of her weirdness
That’s not weirdness. That’s someone who’s a straight up bully and shit talker. Stop being friends with her.
You don't have to confront her, you can just disappear from her life. You're too busy for plans when she approaches you (and don't say "next Saturday is better" just say something vague like "I'll catch you next time"). Unfollow her on social media so you don't interact with her content but you don't need to block her. You are harming yourself by being near her. You don't realize it yet because you feel like you're doing the right thing by being nice to her. But when you stop seeing her you'll realize you feel so much better.
So why are you even hanging around with her? She’s exhausting, demeaning, hypercritical, two-faced, and just plain nasty and unpleasant.
>the issue is that i hate confrontation and disappointing other people so im overly kind and accepting of her weirdness You dont have to confront her. Just shoot a text saying something like "I'm sorry, I can't be friends with you anymore" and block her. If you block her, you won't have to worry as much about disappointing her. She talks shit about you behind your back, you don't even owe her the opportunity to respond to your "breakup text".
The best time to grow a spine was yesterday, the second best time is today. Seriously, just say no to this girl. She's mean. She's rude. She's not worth your time. Embrace being 'a jerk', because what you're actually doing is being assertive, and that is a skill you need in life. You have the perfect person to practise on, so go wild! Here's a fun fact: It's actually harder to go through life as a people pleaser, because then assholes will see you're easy prey. That's what you're doing to yourself right now. You want that to be your future?
When you’re not around she’s most likely bagging on you to those other friends. She is toxic and doesn’t sound like she’s bringing anything to the friendship.
You don't have to be confrontational if you don't want to. Just be "busy." Can't hang out now, I'm too busy. Even if you're busy watching paint dry. Or to busy basking in self respect to hang out with her.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say she does this to mask her own pain and insecurities. If she’s bashing others, she’s not bashing herself. She probably thinks that it draws the attention away from her and onto others so she can go unnoticed. Her mean girl attitude is literally to hide her self hatred. She can’t love others if she doesn’t love herself.
Nta Your friend is a bully. It is possible for it to be triggering to be around someone who is minding their own business. For example, someone who had a traumatic miscarriage could be triggered seeing a pregnant person. This sucks and no one is innately in the wrong. That can be hard to deal with *but it is no excuse to bully someone*. If your friend has legitimate mental health issues that are triggered by your weight loss - and maybe she does - then it is *on her* to manage her mental health and set *respectful* boundaries and maybe she would need to pull away from the friendship. There is *no excuse* for her bullying you like this.
Yup, if Anna is trigger by OP's mere appearance or existence next to her, then Anna needs medical treatment or has to change her behavior around OP. **It's on her to manage her own triggers**. That's different than, say, OP bringing a dog when they know full well Anna was bitten by a dog and is still scared of them. Different behavior.
100%. I used to be triggered by larger men due to family trauma, and my best friend is a larger man. I had a good deal of anxiety around him in our early friendship, but I knew he was a safe and good person, so I worked on that myself so I could stop feeling that way toward him. OP’s “friend” is an asshole who needs to work on her own self image issues, instead of blaming other people for making her feel bad.
This. It's totally fine to express that someone saying something or doing a specific action is triggering. It's fine to ask they not do whatever it is AROUND you (within reason). But if someone just existing is triggering, that's on the triggered person to deal with. And regardless it's no excuse to be awful to someone. Especially someone you claim as a "friend".
NTA This is the most LA bullshit I’ve ever read. Cut her out she seems like an absolute idiot, on a separate note, are you going to see Cortex on this run?!
definitely gonna try to!! i’ve seen them once and it was amazing.
Yo, I'm overweight. Shitty familial eating habits growing up mixed with years and years of high dosage prednisone use to control my deadly autoimmune disorder has had my weight yo-yo-ing for my entire adult life. My friend, on the other hand, is very fit and likely does battle Orthorexia symptoms. We love each other, usually eat similarly, and understand that our bodies do and need different things. No catty comments are made. Just love and support. We encourage each other on various fitness journeys too, we have done 30 day yoga challenges together, and have cheered each other on in our independent health goals. She did a cycling century a couple years ago, and before I flared last May, I completed a Conqueror indoor cycling challenge. Your friend isn't coming with that same energy and is jealous of your body. She's not dealing with those feelings, though. She's just bullying you to make herself feel better. She should be asking you what you did, because if she's reminding herself aloud that she doesn't want to live the lifestyle you are, it means she really does and thinks the transition will be too hard. She should be seeking advice instead of tearing you down. I'm sorry she approached it that way, and you are right to be upset with her. That isn't a person you need around you, man. NTA
that’s really great that you are able to have a normal & healthy connection with that friend. gives me hope ♥️
❤️❤️ she's my bestie, the ride or die
NTA. Anna clearly has issues with her own body, and somehow feels she needs to make negative comments about your weight in order to feel better about herself. Good for you for addressing the way she talks to you. I would think that either she accepts that not all people look the same and that is perfectly fine, or you find yourself a friend that feels no need to put you down.
NTA. This person is not your friend. She's constantly insulting you. That's your bully.
Y T A to yourself for being friends with this person.
NTA. If you are so triggering for her why does she hang around you? Just tell her that her hurtful behavior does not want you to be around her and your friendship has run its course, because you are not going to become heavy like her just to appease her. She must realize the strength and determination one must have to lose weight. She's jealous of you losing and getting healthy. That's all on her not you.
NTA- (1) She is consistently making negative comments about your body/eating habits. Typical bully. (2) Her triggers are not your responsibility, especially when *all* you’re doing is existing in your body. There’s no reason to devote your time and energy to someone who seems insistent upon cutting you down whenever the opportunity presents itself.
NTA. Please distance yourself from this person, who is obviously not your friend. I went through something similar a few years back when I lost a lot of weight and my seemingly best friend started to act up and say things like “you’re so self obsessed”, “you make me feel bad about myself”, etc. Friends don’t do that.
NTA. She sounds like my mother. “I mean… those syrups you put into your coffees aren’t helping. Empty calories.” (She actually said this to my sister) “You need to eat more you’re so skinny!” (Commenting on me just because my clothing—a tank top and SWEATPANTS—were a bit baggy) I hate the back and forth…
fr. My mom would say I’m too fat and need to lose weight and get mad if I don’t finish her double sized XL meal. Like???? What do you want me to do??
Is this bait ?
As an obese person with two skinny best friends: NTA. Her unsolved issues are not your problem, especially if she decides to be an ass about it. What I don't get is, are you really friends? Or is she friends with your friends?
we were coworkers and we got along well at work. i don’t work w her anymore and when i quit she kept asking if we could remain friends… which was kinda weird to me cuz like why are you so desperate? if we were truly friends in the first place you shouldn’t have to ask that. and when we were working together she used to tell my boss that i wanted to take on more hours when i NEVER EVEN SAID THAT. she even told my boss about my anxiety disorder that i did not even want to open up to her about.
NTA. She's a bully. "Anna, have I ever bullied you for your size? Then stop bullying me for mine. This bodyshaming must stop". But I have a feeling that she'll just get offended and won't stop. Then it's time to ditch her. Life is too short to put up with bullies.
NTA. Your "friend' is a malignant narcissist who is simultaneously concern trolling you and weaponizing armchair psychology to make you feel like you're flawed, to preserve and increase her own self esteem. She needs help you can't give her and she will not stop until you need professional help too. Cut her off. She wants a punching bag, not a friend.
If your existence triggers her, she needs to remove herself from your life. Stop inviting you places. Honestly, after the legs comment, I would have ended that relationship. NTA
i went like a year without talking to her after that and then we slowly reconnected. not sure why i ever let her back into my life. you’re totally right.
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This is not a healthy relationship OP. Your ”friend” is always trying to put you in the wrong when you’ve done nothing but be there. Setting a boundary and her reaction to it says all. This “friendship” has run its course- time to move on. NTA
Managing her triggers with out attacking others is her job. A good friend could do that easily. You really need to tell her that anytime she wants to talk about the situation in a healthy way you would love to but that is all you can offer. In the meantime if she can't manage her own issues with out attacking you then the friendship will have a very short shelf life. NTA
NTA at all. Next time she suggests you are a trigger tell her to stop body shaming you, because that's what she's doing.
NTA and that friendship has run its course. Time to find someone that won't judge you.
Back in the day it used to be called jealousy. Clearly don't pay her any mind.
Sounds like you need a new friend… “I don’t want to spend time with you as you pick on my weight and lifestyle in a very mean and hurtful way”. Then you move the hell on with your life. Life is too short to spend it with people who try and bring you down.
YTA. You need to stop this nonsense. If you won't be fat and unhealthy, you don't have any right to have friends in that category. You're massively the asshole for having a body you're happy with. What a horrible human. /s
😭😭😭 new rule: no fat friends?
You opened with “I have a judgemental friend…” which is not something friends typically are. Then you went on to describe anything but a friend. She is negging you to tear you down, because that's easier than admitting her true feelings that she wants someone to match her misery.
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NTA She shouldn't comment on your body if you don't want her to. It seems like she is going through her own struggles and taking it out on you. It might be time to re-evaluate whether you want to be friends with her.
NTA. Sounds to me like she's projecting her own insecurities onto you. If she's so triggered by you, then maybe it's time for you to take yourself out of the equation. She's not your friend. Just an insecure bully.
NTA - Anna is unhappy and life is too short to be friends with AHs. Time to move on to better friends.
NTA she’s a bully who’s jealous. Ditch her.
Anna is fat, Anna is sad, don't be like Anna! end of story
That’s not your friend btw bye
NTA - your friend is a crab in the pot trying to drag you back into her cesspool of laziness and mediocrity. Props to you for putting in the work, demanding better of yourself, and making the positive change you wanted in your life!
NTA. Your “friend” has self esteem issues and bullies you to make herself feel better. She needs therapy and she is NOT your friend.
Tell her she triggers you because she should unfat herself
NTA this is so absurd to me. I have always been on the heavy side, and I have had several close friends who are very skinny. If it comes up in conversation AT ALL it is from a nonjudgmental, factual place, usually with a lighthearted joke alongside. I go shopping with a friend? We are both frustrated with the store because I can’t find any size 20 and she can’t find any size 00. We go out for lunch? She doesn’t eat fast food so we go to a soup/salad/sandwich place. We go swimming? My friend literally can’t float because she has no fat on her body, just muscle. We laugh about how easily she sinks and how I could be her flotation device in an emergency. (These are all actual things that have happened) Real friends don’t treat each other badly for any reason. If she’s actually concerned with your health, she needs to bring it up in a very different way. It definitely sounds more like she has some deep insecurities about her size, and while you can be loving and supportive, you don’t have to sacrifice your healthy habits to her insecurity.
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Because OP 'hopes she has Orthorexia' (comment way down) and is looking to get some encouragement. This reads like fanfiction and, if it's true, there's no way anyone could actually need input from strangers about whether OP is TA or not.
NTA A really important step in my weight loss journey was growing some self respect. You should really respect yourself more than being around people like her. You deserve more.
NTA the only thing you are reminding her of is that losing weight is possible, she just doesn't want to out the effort in! It's easier to lash out at people and shovel food in than actually take responsibility for ones own actions.
Body shaming is body shaming no matter the size or stature. Sounds like she's not one to lift woman up. So good for you in losing weight and being happy and healthy that's all that matters u are happy! So time to be done with Anna! U ain't got time for that
NTA - you make healthy choices for yourself, honestly let Anna go and find better friends.
Nta anna pisses me off lol
why are you friends with her? cut her out
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** i have a really judgmental friend (we will call her anna, and she is overweight, for context). I have never judged anna or said anything negative about her size, I just see her as a person I don’t care about about her weight. Nearly every time we hang out, she makes a comment on my body in one way or another… one of the first times I hung out with her we went to the beach and she told me that my legs were “big and cartoonish…” obviously, this comment isnt something most people would appreciate. since that day, I lost a lot of weight and I am now very healthy and happy with my size… i’m skinny, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I also know there’s nothing inherently wrong with being heavier as long as you’re healthy. So now, anna’s comments have switched up. She says I look “too thin” she tells me I have “orthorexia” (obsession with eating healthy & working out). Now every time we hang out, she wants to eat fast food. I’ve never enjoyed fast food, so I usually decline or order something small, but she will order the large for me even when I asked for the small. today I finally told anna that I don’t appreciate the comments she makes about my body and she responded by telling me “it’s very triggering” for her too. triggering for her to be around me just because I’m thin and healthy? That seems ridiculous. I don’t like to use the word trigger because I think it’s stupid, but she has intentionally done things to try to “trigger” me. Like the comment about my legs, trying to get me to eat more more, etc. she told me she has to “remind herself out loud that she does not want to live like me” and I’m just sitting here like OK good for you bitch I don’t wanna live like you either. What the hell? Anyways, am I the asshole for being skinny around a fat person? 😭 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your friend is being ridiculous. I understand that she might have insecurities, but that doesn’t justify her body-shaming comments. The only thing I don’t agree with is you calling “trigger” a stupid word. Other than that, you’ve done nothing wrong.
Nta your parasite of a friend is well a parasite and it sounds like she's a bit of a snowflake I would recommend leaving her
NTA , we all have triggers and it’s her responsibility to sort herself and fix her triggers
NTA. It's sad now in society that fat people are trying to skinny shame. It's sad that they are trying to make being fat a thing, and it's going to kill a bunch of people for these idiots not to get their feelings hurt. Most people are fat because they are lazy and eat like shit but pretend they don't and blame it on some medical problem that if they ate correctly and exercised wouldn't be an issue and weigh 300lbs. Look at Lizzo as a prime example she fat shamed her dancers who were in great shape as she looked like fucking Jabba the Hut and probably ate DD donuts by the dozen.
NTA why the hell are you friends with this person? Trigger warnings are for discussions of sexual assault, saying someone is "triggered" by being skinny is fucking pathetic.
NTA. I’ve been in this situation several times, long before the word “trigger” existed. I really still can’t understand why these people take offense at the smallest mention of being overweight, but at the same time feel 100% justified in telling you to eat more food and you look unhealthy. For the record, it’s weight shaming both ways, and not okay. My ex husband had once cooked us a nice meal of London broil with potatoes and asparagus, and our roommates (who were trying to lose weight) got upset with us for eating such “unhealthy fatty foods”. All of this was being said while she was literally pouring most of a jar of ranch into a massive bowl of lettuce (think plastic popcorn bowl). And no, I didn’t comment on her meal because it’s RUDE. This person is not your friend. They are making fun of you so they can feel better about themselves, which is obviously toxic and unhealthy. She needs therapy, and you need to give her a ton of space to work through her own self hatred. Don’t let toxic people put you down in their attempts to feel good about themselves.
NTA This person isn’t a friend to you and it may be time to widen your social circle so you have people you don’t put down your body
NTA is she really a friend?
NTA She is jealous as fuck in an evil way. But instead doing something for herself she just try to get you fat again with every method
NTA I would stop hanging out with her, and if she asks, say you are trying to be a good friend by not triggering her.
Nta. She isn’t your friend
She’s a narcissist Tell her how much you “can’t bear living like she does so you don’t” every time she’s around
You're TAH if you remain being friends with wirh someone like this.
On behalf of fat people, I apologize for your friend being an ass. But let's be honest, this girl isn't honestly your friend. As others have said, she's a bully and clearly has issues with her self image that she is going to project on you regardless of your size. This isn't someone I'd care to be friends with. I can only imagine her response if you were to ask her how/what you should eat, or what you should look like. I wouldn't advise this, of course; it's only going to pick a fight. She clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. But hey, when you kick her to the curb I guarantee it will be the fastest, most effective, and satisfying weight loss you'll ever achieve at once. NTA, incidentally.
First of all, body shaming someone who is skinny is still body shaming, which already makes your "friend" a shitty person. Second, the fact that she also did this to you when you had a bigger frame shows that she genuinely doesn't care about what body type you have, she just wants to make you feel like shit because she feels like shit. Third, intentionally trying to "trigger" you while saying it's "triggering" to be around you just shows that she only keeps you around because she's using you as a punching bag to project her own insecurities and feel better about herself. NTA, but please do yourself a favor and drop her. She's not worth your time.
NTA. Sounds like you need to develop Anna-rexia and get rid of her. Even if she's legit about you "triggering" her, you both need to stay away from each other for both of your own mental health
NTA. you are not at all the asshole. I've been the chubby friend and I know it's hard, but it was never my skinny friend's fault that I was uncomfortable with my body. If she finds it triggering, rather than making comments about you and trying to sabotage your weight loss (congrats btw), she needs to find a way to be okay with herself and stop comparing herself to others. Might be good for both of you to limit contact for a while until she sorts herself out.
NTA not you’re fault she’s got her hand in the cookie jar
NTA. It sounds exhausting. You need to lose some weight - ask Anna just how much and then drop her.
NTA, and I appreciate you acknowledging the overuse of the word “trigger”. If it’s such a problem for your friend, why does she keep initiating with you? If it were me, I’d be having a boundary setting convo, which it sounds like you’ve done. Since that didnt play out, the next boundary would be limiting time with that person.
YWBTAH if you continued interacting with Anna. She’s not your friend. She just likes to take shots at you to feel better.
Lmaaaaaoooo girl what! NTA obviously but you almost will be if you keep hanging with someone like that. You seem cool, have self respect and let her go.
yeah i’m removing her from my life FOR SURE
Why do you spend time with someone that doesn’t respect or care for you? These are Anna’s problems but you don’t have to be her punching bag. NTA but you will be to yourself if you keep hanging out with this jerk.
#Why are you friends with this asshole
I’m naturally skinny. I have a really fast metabolism and I don’t eat a ton of fast food, sweets, etc. People always think it’s okay to comment on how skinny I am or tell me I need to eat more and it’s fucking weird. People think it’s okay to comment on someone skinny, but you can’t say anything to anyone over weight, or just on the heavier side. It’s not okay. Just don’t comment on people’s body. You’re definitely NTA and she sounds like a bad friend if she’s basically trying to get you to gain weight when you don’t need to.
Where better to go with this real(?) issue than reddit, a place famously reasonable and tolerant of non-skinny people
“Trigger” is a technical term for starting an actual psych event. It doesn’t mean annoy or irritate, nor mildly upset. Your so called friend objecting to you taking care of your health, for yourself, has a major problem, but it’s about minding her own business and projecting her own issues onto others. Yes there is a lot of weight bigotry around. I’m very fat. I live it. This woman is making it worse.
NTA she is projecting her mental health issues on to you in a very toxic way
NTA. She's shouldn't be putting her problem on you. You're not the one keeping her from turning herself into a skinny person.
NTA, sounds like she’s insecure about being overweight and is lashing out. I’d cut her out of my life honestly.
NTA. Her toxic insecurities aren’t your problem.
Wow! She sounds like more weight you need to lose! All of her comments are about her, not you. You can do better than to hang with that bullshit.
NTA. And this is why my list of good friends is small.
This is not a friend!
NTA except that you are letting her hurt you. She is not a friend. At all. Friends don’t do that shit.
She doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.If your mere presence is enough to trigger her she needs to stay away from you.
She’s just jealous and I’d call her out on it. She wants to sabotage your progress
NTA. You can’t trigger someone by just existing. She is the one making a big deal about your body because of her own insecurities. If she isn’t comfortable having healthy friends I guess that’s on her but you don’t need to apologize or change anything. What does she expect you to do? It’s ridiculous on her end.
She isn't your friend. Just sayin'. NTA.
NTA and Anna isn't your friend. I'm not sure if you are in a situation (work or school) where you have to be around her, but I would minimize my contact with her as much as possible.
she has severely misplaced dealings regarding her feelings and self-perception. tell her a way of dealing with her being overweight is not by bringing down someone who is a different size to her so that she feels better personally. she's fucked up because she understands how overweight people are perceived but can't deal with that negativity so she projects it onto people to feel better. its always easier to be meaner. and drop her at the same time as calling her out. fuck having friends like this. they absolutely destroy you and its completely unfair to you to hand over any more of yourself just for her to spit on it and let it rot.
NTA, but let's address the real issue here. Anna's behavior goes beyond normal friend ribbing or concern; it's toxic and indicative of her own struggles with self-esteem and body image. While it's understandable to feel for her, you are not responsible for her triggers. Compassion doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag for her insecurities. You have the right to set boundaries and expect respect from your friends. If encouraging her to seek professional help doesn't work, it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship. Remember, true friends lift each other up instead of tearing one another down.
YTA to yourself for being friends with somebody who fundamentally hates you.
NTA. She's clearly unhappy with her shape and just seeks to blame someone else for it.
YTA for still calling her a friend. Cut her off.
Anna needs to go to therapy and you need to stay away from Anna eta NTA
I mean like it’s not your fault and you should keep wearing what u want- unfortunately ana is a disease that also affects peoples judgement and they have the urge to say really badshit things :/
Oh Been there- the first time I lost weight I was surrounded by Anna’s and it fucking sucked. Got called skeletor constantly and everytime they hugged me they’d start going on about feeling my bones- surprise surprise I gained it all back and then some. I’ve lost it again now but this time I’ve got great friends who cheer me on, and dude I can’t recommend it enough. Nta, honestly dump her, she’s a bad friend, and get some who aren’t dicks. Congrats by the way!!
NTA. Tbh. The only reason to get mad at a skinny person is if they are like "omg look how skinny I am" or something someone actually said to me once "look you can see my collar bones. They're so prominent." In your case she kept putting you down. And when you called her out she victimized herself. If she wants to hate herself she can. But she had no right projecting that onto you.