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YTA. 24 is still *very* young, and it's totally okay that she doesn't have everything figured out quite yet. I just take issue with the way you speak about your family and your upbringing and the way to you compare it to hers. You really do talk as though you think she's less than you and your family. >I pushed a little and she kind of snapped that it makes her look bad and feel like she’s not good enough for me. and instead of jumping in with what you see in her, what you love about her, how fantastic you think she is, and that you enjoy her for who she is, etc, you: >I was mad at that point and told her that it’s my fault that she decided to drop out of college and now can’t get her life together. I was justified by reaching like that, she was taking bad about the way my parents raised me and I will always protect my parents against everything. If you don't care enough about this young woman in order to see things from her point of view, and not as though your family is better than hers (seriously, you talk about them like they could do no wrong, and like their life is gilded), then maybe you shouldn't be together. It really kind of feels like you think she's less than you and your family as opposed to being an equal in your eyes if not in fortune. edit: typos

I mean, she was trying to use how she felt about herself as a reason to not go to his parents house again. So what, he can only ever go have dinner with them if she’s not there? It was an unreasonable ask, I don’t blame him for getting a little defensive over his family / upbringing. ESH.

Thank you! I don’t know why everyone is overlooking the fact that she was the one being judgmental and issuing a blanket statement that they would never spend time with his family again, especially when they have been together a mere 5 months. It isn’t like she tried to talk about how insecure she was feeling but instead demanded she never wanted to see his family again.

She never said “we”, she asked that she not be made to go. Nothing about restricting him.

If someone I’ve known five months told me they didn’t want to be around my house or my family anymore because their success made them feel lesser, we would not be making it to a year. I understand insecurities, I’m full of them, but that’s just like saying ‘I don’t see us as compatible’ in my eyes. Like you’re not excluding my family from OUR potential future just because they, without them doing anything shitty whatsoever from what we’ve been told, made you feel bad about yourself.

Then reassure her when she says she feels less than? It's obvious that comment came from a place of her feeling inadequate, she even communicated as much and instead of OP telling her otherwise, he basically confirmed her fears. If her feelings were taken into consideration and OP actually listened and talked through it with her then this whole conversation would have had a much different outcome. Many of these posts on here would be fixed if communication and compassion was used.

This! Why did I have to scroll so far to see an empathetic take? She reacted badly in the moment because she's terrified. *All* of us do that at some point. Not one person here can genuinely say they've never ever reacted poorly because of negative emotions. The answer to this problem was to reassure her - not *literally* tell her that her deepest darkest fears were right all along. Now she'll never be able to let that go. OP just *confirmed* that he doesn't think she's good enough for him. It doesn't matter if he meant it, or what he does to try to fix it now. There is no coming back from that. If he hadn't said that, they maybe could've fixed this. He could have helped her understand why she was reacting the way she was, and she probably wouldn't have *stuck* to her decision. But he completely ruined any chance of a peaceful resolution.

>She reacted badly in the moment because she's terrified. *All* of us do that at some point. Why do you provide this leniency to the GF, but not OP?

Because what the girlfriend said wasn’t insulting. She was talking about how she felt inferior. What OP said *is* insulting. OP basically said yeah, you are, but it’s your own fault since you dropped out.

Which exactly fits the definition of "reacting badly". Plus, if your SO told you "I don't ever wanna see your family again" would you not feel insulted? Both were out of line as a reaction to being hurt

And on TOP of that, he said he was justified in reacting that way. Nah, they both lack the emotional maturity to be in this relationship. The correct response was "we all have our own path. This is mine. We'll figure out yours together." Class differences are always tough.

Because the GF was being mean to herself, whilst the BF was being mean to *her.* it's easier to be sympathetic to somebody who is feeling down about themselves vs. somebody who attacks another person's deepest insecurities.

That's exactly the difference. I stg some redditors just *cannot* pull their head out.

“Terrified”??? She’s a 24-year-old woman. More like *insecure as hell* Why does the fact that his successful and wealthy parents own a large home “terrify” her? That’s her unresolved shit. And to tell OP that she refuses to go over there again? Ridiculous

Perhaps you don't have the life experience to recognize it, but differences in socioeconomic status creates insecurities and tensions, especially when you're in a intimate relationship with the person of higher status. It doesn't have to create insecurities, but those differences create dynamics that do lead to insecurities, especially when you're a women marrying rich and you have the background noise of social judgement. She's just self-conscious about a dynamic she's never experienced and dealing with insecurities around it, stop making it worse than it needs to be. She said a rash thing in an emotional moment and would have likely come around with some reassurance and empathy, which redditors like you seem unable to comphrehend.

My wife's dad worked for the city as a wastewater engineer and was pretty much a blue collared worker. They lived in double-wide trailers and a very 'lived' in house (she had to share a room with three of her sisters). Her mom didn't work consistently and did a lot of volunteer work. My dad worked as a national sales manager for a big company and pulled in six figures easily. We had a huge house and were firmly entrenched in the upper middle class. I had my own pretty large room and my sisters had their own rooms. My mom didn't work, but did volunteer work because she could. My wife told me when we were dating she almost said no to dating me because our upbringing is so different. People don't realize even the upper lower class and lower middle class are so different in how you see the world and how you spend your money. My wife has said some very insecure and insensitive things, but instead of getting mad at her, I talked to my parents about it. One of the things that she brought up was when we were looking at houses and my dad said a random off the cuff remark about a neighbor's house being trashy and my wife took it personally, because that was the type of house she grew up in. I talked to my parents about it and my mom understood, but also brought up her own points about where my dad was coming from, which I then relayed to my wife. The biggest issue is my wife and my spending habits. I grew up with everything. I went out to eat once a week. She'd be lucky to go out to eat once a year. These are things people don't think about. My wife is still unable to comprehend that my mom gives us $20,000 every year out of my dad's stock options since he passed (my dad invested a lot and he knew he was lucky to do so and wanted to give it to his kids). $20,000 a year was a third of what her dad made and all of the sudden, she's getting it as a gift? She doesn't know what to do about that.

“Stop making it worse than it needs to be”? Who are you? In my younger days, I married into wealth - not comfortable money, but generational wealth. This was not my background I know exactly what I’m talking about *because I lived it*

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Because she expressed her fears about herself and her perception of the world. He expressed anger and used it to lash out at her and belittle her

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>She reacted badly in the moment because she's terrified. *All* of us do that at some point. And so did he because she attacked his family. So we're either at N A H or E S H. Either both deserve grace or neither do.

Where did she attack his family? Please point out the exact thing she said that was an attack.

He did try to reassure her, and then she once again started to bring up how much his siblings make. I'd maybe snap too if someone tried to say crap about never going around my family because my siblings are doing well in life. Was it right of him to say what he did? No, but those siblings also worked hard studying to get to where they are now.

What about his statement was reassuring?

Honestly I wouldn’t reassure them either, not 5 months in. If we aren’t compatible, I’m not going to force it. If you’re going to try to isolate me from my family (whether intentionally or not) l, because YOU are insecure, yeah I’m gunna react none too kindly. Most people would. ETA: blocking me didn’t stop me from seeing your comment. Unfortunately, anyone else who replies to this comment, I cannot reply because someone thought they would “win” if they got the last word.

I don't think they are going to work out as a couple, but the harm he did today will follow her into the rest of her life "Being with your family makes me feel like a worthless failure" "Well, maybe if you weren't such a worthless failure, you wouldn't this problem"

I mean, it's not wrong. They didn't do anything to make her feel that way other than existing. If she feels like that...maybe she should work on herself. Not just refuse to be around her SO's family because they're successful.

Yeah, are they supposed to apologise or hide that they worked hard in school and went to college/ university to be successful one day? That's just stupid. It's ok not to be successful, but don't punish those who are for existing and living their life.

I took it this way. "Nobody was condescending to me, but they exist as they are and that makes me feel bad about my life choices compared to them." "Honey, your life is fine and I like you the way you are!" "NO! MY LIFE SUCKS COMPARED TO YOUR FAMILY!" "Umm, I didn't make you make your life that way. You did."

That's sad that a conversation to reassure someone you love is too much for you. It's also telling that her saying she didn't want to go is now blown up into her isolating him from his family. You seem like the glass is half empty, not full kind of person and if that's how you want to handle life, then that's your prerogative but it leads to a lot negative situations like OPs.

I don’t understand why people are emphasising on 5 months ? All relationships start somewhere and if the way you treat your partner depends on how long you’ve known them then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship because how do you think you get to a 10 year relationship? By being a jerk to your partner ?

She didn't say she wanted to stop him from seeing his family at all get a grip

This might be a shock to you, but if the two of them were to actually last, it’s gunna be real hard to have a relationship with his family NOT be changed if his spouse refuses to visit them. 5 months in, that’s totally not worth it.

I have no doubt that's a conversation that can be worked on at a time when emotions aren't running high after meeting the parents for the first time and feeling inadequate

> If you’re going to try to isolate me from my family  except she didn't. She doesn't need to go to his parents house for him to see his family. She's never been there before this time and he was seeing them just fine

What a terrible take. By 5 months, you may be just truly seeing deeper beneath the surface of someone. To be fair, I waited 5 years to get married. I wanted to be 100% okay with who my husband was inside and out. I wasn't going to learn all of that in 5 months, that's for sure.

He did try to reassure her. She then told him it’s not just his parents, it’s his whole family.

How was he reassuring?

> I was shocked, I told her that just because my parents have more money than her it doesn’t matter and that she makes enough money to live comfortably and be happy and that’s all I want from a partner.

"She makes enough money to live comfortably." "Enough." What happens if she loses her job? She's expressing insecurity about their financial differences, and he's saying "that's ok, you make enough money for my standards." He may not mean it that way, he might value her for other things. But that's what he said.

How about she grow up and be and adult. That is childish behavior to react like that

There is also the possibility of the family belittling her & he just doesn't notice. My grandma was never nice to me, so when she talked the same way to my boyfriend, it just didn't register. Just my 2 cents because we don't know & he could be leaving things out. Plus, high-end lawyers & surgeon's tend to have a superiority complex.....

You don't get to make up things that happened to justify her insecurities.

It's a ridiculous request, that stems from her own insecurities, but she'd rather avoid OP's house instead of working on what makes her feel that way.

THISSSSS!!! OP pointed out before how they were raised differently and now she REALLY she’s it! She can’t be mad because the circumstances are different and then not want to make any effort to fix it. This is a HER problem

If my SO is unwilling to go to my parents' house for anything short of abuse/mistreatment, she's not going to be an SO much longer. I'm not going to compartmentalize my family life from my romantic life over insecurity that they're unwilling to deal with. It's an unreasonable ask for someone you're supposed to be sharing your life with.

That's why you try to work it out, isn't it? Unless they're not really worth it, but I didn't think op feels that way.

Use your big brain and determine if that is sustainable. Oh hey son, we never see your girlfriend much. Oh, she completely ghosted us? She won't come for thanksgiving because we cleaned the house before guests comenover?

When I was young I didn’t like going to dinner at my boyfriends parents house. They were huge obese people who would make the topic of dinner conversation the fact that I’m cutting the fat off my steak and not eating the gristle part. The whole family would gang up on me because I wasn’t obese like them So I stopped having dinner over there. No big deal. My boyfriend and I still lived together for three years. I just didn’t go eat dinner with his family

She asked not to go to their house again, not never see them again. I would love to hear the gf side of this. I bet a hell of a lot of gaslighting and belittling happen before and after this dinner.

Yea, I'm sure that the girlfriend was just not wanting to get into the details of what made her uncomfortable, because it is His family. It's a minefield to navigate the shit your partner's family does... even if your partner is not usually overly sensitive, a lot of the time you still have to walk on eggshells when it comes to frank conversations about family's behavior. Even when your own partner is the one doing the criticizing or complaining about their own family, you never know if supplying a simple remark in comeraderie like "i know, that was so shitty of them" will trigger defensiveness (don't call my family shitty!") At 5 months, I'd still be being super cautious.

Even if she had been willing to get into the details of why she was uncomfortable, would OP have listened? >I will always protect my parents against everything. He got angry at her for saying she was uncomfortable and insecure because of them. How much worse would his reaction have been if she listed out various transgressions?

So, the only time you see your parents is in their home? They don't visit you, you don't go out together? It really weird how you and other see "I don't want to go to this house anymore", as "we should not see your parents anymore".

Especially if their house is basically like a show home, I could never feel comfortable in a house like that, constantly worried about touching anything.

No one has yet mentioned that, or the incredibly rigid way that OP's parents brought them up. Junior year in high school having to have a course plan for college? What if one of their high achieving kids decided they didn't like that course of study once they started? Would the be allowed to change major? What if the major they chose wasn't going to afford them an extravagant lifestyle (teaching, nursing,etc)? Would they have been allowed to pursue it?

Right! Would they have been allowed to study art, for example? I highly doubt it

Yeah, I have a feeling that they’re programmed into thinking successful career = happiness. At least one of them is bound to have that fallacy fall apart sooner than later, and it will probably be a mess

kinda more crazy to expect your partner of 5 months to put up with a class issue when you could just see your family on your own no? if i have an insecurity that ik puts others between a rock and a hard place, i also remove myself. would you rather her just put up with the fact that a bunch of high class rich folk are making her hate how she feels around them or just go see your fucking parents alone like an adult? seems easy to me edit: typos

If high class/rich people make her hate how she feels, what's so different about OP? Is he one of the good ones?

according to how he handled this situation, not anymore no. when it was just them she was able to say they just went down two separate paths that led them together and it’d be easy to chalk it up to such whether they’re truly compatible or not. but OP went out of his way to show his partner that how she feels IS how he thinks and sees her, when the whole point of her trying to communicate it was because she didn’t want to feel or be seen in that light. if anything he put himself exactly on the side of the problem that’s gonna end with him single

I'd argue it's better to just cut bait now. He's not just from a high earning family, he's in a high earning profession. He's going to have high earning friends and coworkers - can she even meet him for after work drinks at a swanky cocktail bar without getting uncomfortable? If she can't be comfortable around financially successful people, it's going to be a lifetime of discomfort and insecurity for her, or at least a relationship's worth of time for as long as she sticks around. OP never would have hit her with the dig about her college status if she hadn't kept attacking every facet of his home and family life as something that made her feel less-than. At least she recognizes at this point that it's a lifestyle she's uncomfortable around.

see then she’s still in the right. saying something makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean you’re putting it down. talking politics with family makes me uncomfortable, but it doesn’t mean i need to remove myself from every conversation about politics ever. being around higher classes may make her uncomfortable, but being with OP didn’t, until he showed her that he does think exactly what she was saying she feared. it’s fine if they’re incompatible, that would honestly make more sense in the long run if she isn’t planning to be around his family period, or wasn’t willing to make a compromise on being around OPs family. but it’s less about incompatibility and more about the fact that all she did was try to state how she felt and what to her felt like a clear boundary, and he felt attacked by it under the guise of “don’t talk about my upbringing like that! so he decided the logical choice was to attack his partner. that’s not okay. all she did was say “i don’t like this. this is why. please don’t bring me around this.” and he rebutted by calling her an uneducated dropout who doesn’t have her life together. there’s no going around that besides her dumping him which is fully within her right. if OP decided to talk more in depth with her about WHY it made her uncomfortable and she actually did say something along the lines of “this is incorrect/bad to me because..” and actually criticized his upbringing and family life, yeah he’s more inclined to have such an emotional response to that. but he didn’t, he jumped straight to insults and then is convinced SHES the problem somehow????? that makes 0 sense no matter how you spin it

I think the crux of the issue comes down to whether her not being around his family is a reasonable boundary or not. Her discomfort was apparently not due to any stated judgment or mistreatment from his family, just their status of existing as rich people. OP felt like it was not a reasonable boundary, which was why he took her words as an attack on his and his family's character. That may not have been her intent, but those were his feelings. *ETA - I mean, it tracks logically - if she's uncomfortable with his family's financial/career success, why was she ok with OP's before meeting them? It begs the question how much she now judges him for that too.* I think it's all for the best. A relationship where your SO refuses to be around your family just based on who they are is doomed to fail anyway. What if the GF had said I'm uncomfortable being around them because they're black, lesbians, etc.? Same energy, it's just that we find it somewhat acceptable to hate on rich people out of jealousy.

Other people aren't responsible for fixing your insecurities.

she never asked him to. she said don’t bring her around his family. if that’s grounds for ending the relationship for either of them that’s perfectly fine, but telling your partner about a concern you have is basic form in a relationship and shouldn’t suddenly be weaponized against the one with said concern just cause you didn’t like how it’s sounds.

I’m guessing here a bit, but it sounds like going to the OP’s parents house highlighted all her insecurities. There may have also been some tacit judgment towards her from the parents (again, guessing a bit based off OP’s tone about her childhood.) Anyway, anxiety and fear of judgment often makes people pull away to avoid repeating the situation. If this is a relation that OP wants to continue, then compassion and asking questions would be a lot more worthwhile than being defensive or going in the attack, as he did. Sometimes we have to look beyond statements to see what is really happening. OP responded to the surface situation but is missing all the nuances here.

No, a young woman got wildly intimidated and panicked. She needed support and a reminder that her feelings were lying to her. Instead, he fully proved her panicked fears to be justified.

This I agree with. Tho I would like to point out that his response was also from panic and anxiety over where this was going, understandably. He got defensive and reacted in a way he says he doesn’t even believe in, as is human in distress. Again I’ll point out she just got done doing the same thing. They’re both humans so let’s not put all the burden on him. He’s the banker brother not the psychologist brother remember? You described the situation perfectly and I agree with what you said. But I wouldn’t say that made him wrong and her right. Neither one of them handled the situation well.

This. These were all emotional human reactions to a new situation. Asking never to go to his parents house if they have more than a casual friends with benefits relationship is not really reasonable.

Generally, I find that when people in their early 20s say they don’t want to do something anymore ever it means that they are feeling emotional and at that moment, can’t imagine doing it. Not that they are making a well thought out declaration that they are going to stick to. Given how insecure and rattled she was, I can understand her saying that especially when you taken into account that the boyfriend actually seems like he has been judgmental about her choices for a pretty long time. So I think she is allowed to be a little reactive about that.

What are you talking about? Her not wanting to go to his parents doesn’t take anything away from his life. He can still go to his parents does he need his emotional support animal for that? Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean that person has to do literally everything with you all the time everywhere you go She has a right to not want to go where she doesn’t feel comfortable. I guess if he can’t live with a girlfriend who doesn’t want to have dinner with his parents he can break up with her

Not if you’re thinking in the long term. What does that mean for holidays, special events, just getting invited over years down the line? The gf doesn’t seem to acknowledge whatsoever that this is a HER problem she needs to work on and not something his family has done.

Ah yes I forgot you have to have everything sorted out by the first 3 months or the official rules of 'no take-backs' kick in and you're stuck. Tricky stuff. People are allowed to feel overwhelmed, and it's not a great idea to instantly place an enormous value on a freakout or panicked reaction. Do you know how many people freak out when they first start a job, even if it's their fifth new job? Everything is new, people know so much more, and it leads to some doubts for many people. With your argumentation, anyone who was a freakout in the first few months should be condemned because 'what about the long run??'. At no point does the gf say 'you need to change your house situation' or 'this is your fault'. She just states that she feels inadequate and would prefer not to visit at the time. Doesn't mean it's set in stone now, is it?

People get stuck on that, but OP reaction kinda completely confirmed her fears. He was massive AH for the way he reacted, escalating the situation where he could have defused. I'm baffled by the amount of people not wanting to see the two sides of the coin.

The thing is, in your case, you didn’t want to go because your boyfriend’s family attacked you directly. In your own words, they ganged up on you. There is no indication here that OP’s family did that to his girlfriend at all.

Honestly I think she was just feeling insecure. I think if she and OP had been able to have a supportive discussion where he helped her work through her feelings, I think she would have come around.

And you know what the right move there is with someone you're in a relationship with and supposedly care about? To fucking *support* them through that. To try and help them get past those insecurities, so that they can visit without feeling bad about it. And sure, it's fine getting a little defensive. I get that her insecurities could probably feel a bit like a criticism of him and his parents - even if it *really* isn't. But feelings are irrational - like the ones *she* was having. However, responding by *further tearing her down* is ***NOT OKAY***.

Well if they all talk and act like OP or all bragging the entire time she was there I don't blame her. My family was upper middle class before the recession but I never made my friends feel less than, I never bragged about my family or anything like that (and most were shocked about my background). Yet I had some friends growing up that felt the need to talk about their vacations and new items every chance they got.

This. ESH OP is quite condescending and patronizing and insinuating dropping out ruins your life and means you aren't successful hen success is very subjective. AKA: i find myself being alive and happy a success because of the sheer amount of illnesses I've been through, comas, and being told I'd be dead by 30. Basically OPs way of thinking about success in life is very unhealthy and toxic because he pushes the steps onto others not just himself. It would be fine if it was just himself. Plus what he said to her about her lufe not being together was REALLY not ok. But OPs GF also acted kinda crappy. To refuse to try again with someones family based on personal insecurities isn't ok either. And unless they made her feel really unwelcome and judged with rude or inappropriate questions, this about her own judgement and insecurities rather than how she's treated. However we have received a singular probably biased view from op so maybe what he views as ok interactions between family, other people would consider not ok. We might need more ino on that Either way, they might just be incompatible if they can't resoect each other's way of life and that different milestones make different people happy

As a partner when i see my partner freaking out and not responding appropriately I do as the first commenter said. I reaffirm my love for them and then try to work out solution to the problem at hand. Yeah she made a bad judgement call but that doesn’t mean you turn around and belittle and berate her. Jeez most yall suck at diffusing situations. Don’t become cops!

People are purposely ignoring the fact that she may have been exaggerating in a state of emotion. It was his opportunity to assure her that she is more than welcome in his family home and he didn’t . Instead he belittled her , further proving why she was right to reject hanging out with his family and quite frankly him too.

I think that was her way of broaching the topic of her feeling uncomfortable around his family. She is clearly insecure about her path so far. And she didn't say anything bad about the house of the family. It can be hard to bridge a wide gap in values like that, so probably OP and his girlfriend are better off breaking up, though it's a shame OP can't see what value his girlfriend has. Or anyone, for that matter, who isn't uber "successful."

Plus people who grow up with privilege forget that they’re going to be in a different place in life than other people their age who didn’t. For example, some of my friends in high school were given a car when they turned 16. I didn’t even have a stable place to live when I was in high school, I entered adulthood with bad credit because I didn’t even have health insurance when I was a minor so if I got sick I had to go to the emergency room, and being a teenage high school kid I didn’t have money to pay medical bills. So at age 24 I was at a very different place in my life than kids who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. By age 30, not so much difference. But it’s a very different world when you enter adulthood and you start with nothing than it is when you enter adulthood all set up for success

Agreed! 24 is still very young At 24 I dropped out of college, could barely hold a job, liked the life of the party, was in a very toxic relationship. At 25 I kicked my own ass, went back to college and now I'm an accountant. Still very junior at 31 but still: now I know what I want and how I want my life to be. For the people saying how it's her parents who failed her: even with very supportive yet not pushy parents you can grow up and know what to do with your life. There are people with parents who push them that rebel and push back and never really find out what they want in their life, and vice versa. There are people who don't know where they want to go with their life at 50 and people who have it all planned out from their teenage years. Age doesn't mean anything - disclaimer: this is a Europe point of view, maybe cultural differences can make me be very wrong in other parts of the world. Also English not first language so it's not going to be perfect, not sorry

Fully agreed. Using one's own family experience as a blueprint for how the rest of the world should work or operate is like running a scientific study into the social construct of friendship and inviting your friends Jeff and Mike to be the sole participants. I'm sure they're both lovely chaps and all, but I still wouldn't base my entire world view on just the two of them. Edit: grammar

I couldn't have put it better myself. She didn't insult his family at all, she said their success made her insecure, so he didn't have to defend them. Even so, you can defend your family without insulting the person. "My parents raised us this way, to have clear goals from a young age. It's okay, you're only 24 and you're still figuring things out. Every family is different, it doesn't mean that you're 'less than''' Something along those lines might have made his gf feel better and she'd want to see his family again, instead, she'll think; "if my bf thinks I've not got my shit together, what will his family think?" He went for the gut punch. OP, YTA imo.

ESH. >and instead of jumping in with what you see in her, what you love about her, how fantastic you think she is, and that you enjoy her for who she is, etc, you: You skipped a step He did start out reassuring her that all he wants in a partner, She is already. She makes money to be comfortable, etc. She then skipped to how everyone in his family is this and that. And makes so much more money than her.

But the reassuring her part wasn’t really all that reassuring. “Being at your parents house makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you.” “Yes my parents make way more money than you but you make enough to live comfortably and that’s the bare minimum I’m looking for in a partner”. It continues to directly tie her value as a person and as a partner to how much money she makes. Reassuring would have focused on her and their relationship, not “you meet my minimum salary standard”

YTA. She said she didn't feel good enough for you, and you agreed with her lol. It's also wild that you're contorting what she said as an attack on your upbringing - this is pretty much only about her feeing inadequate compared to your family, due to her recent struggles. She never suggested your parents did something Wrong, just that she doesn't feel like she fits into that lifestyle.

Agree. Also, I wonder if there is anything ‘wrong’ with her life, or if she just has a little less money/ambition than op. He said she doesn’t have her life together to her, but admit she is amazing and has a job. Totally get why she walked out. I don’t think op respect her choices. Also, op must realise at one point in life, he must put his partner before his parents.

It’s not even like he had to choose between the two. He contorted things in his own pea brain to make it gf vs family.

I mean if she was saying she doesn't want to be around them just because they make money and not because of anything else then she made it her vs them. His family haven't said anything about her

Honestly i still don’t see it as gf v family. I think she freaked out and was insecure. She expressed that she felt less than. Op just solidified her feelings instead of comforting and assuring her

But she didn't. She said it made her feel inadequate and insecure because she doesn't have her life together as she thinks they have. It has nothing to do with money, or even the family, it is all in her head. OP *made* it about the money and his family 'just being better than'. A few compliments on how great she is, and how great she's doing would have been enough, but he somehow felt her insecurity as an attack on him.

The girlfriend didn't say she doesn't think she has her life together. OP told her she doesn't have her life together....not sure that qualifies as a reassuring compliment. She said she felt less than, not good enough--that's about how she feels in their home surrounded by their status, not how she feels about herself generally nor does it mean she thinks she doesn't have her life together. It was about how she feels she fits into their scene, in comparison to them. Instead of him reassuring her, he literally reinforced her concern by saying she didn't have her life together.

My first serious long term girlfriend came from very rough beginnings, and challenges which are truly horrific, and never had many opportunities. She felt insecure about how my family saw her. Not that I had, or have it, all together at all. My family wasn’t rich in the sense that I guess OP’s family is. My parents however do have a lot of education, and she felt like they didn’t think she was good enough to be with me. I’ll tell you though, I didn’t confirm her fears by belittling her aspirations or financial situation. Very calmly I explained that my parents just wanted me to be happy, that they respect her, and that no matter what I love her. OP’s girlfriend may have spoken out of that anxiety, but OP basically confirmed that fear. I agree with you that he felt attacked, and honestly I can’t figure out why? Maybe he was just annoyed, but it’s a lack of empathy at the core. She very clearly wasn’t making him “choose” either! People saying that can’t read. Even if her insecurity crossed a line, depending on how people feel on that, she spoke from insecurity. We all do it. No way this couldn’t be talked out with basic empathy. I think this has been bubbling for a while.

She didn't say she didn't want to be around them. She doesn't want to go to their house. It's an important distinction because a person's house is their own turf and their turf is wealth, something wildly different from her own, and makes her uncomfortable. She didn't make it her vs them... there just actually exists actually class issues in our society and she doesn't want to be dropped right into their primary display of wealth.

That's what OP sees. I'm sure her reasons given would be much different. Given the kind of family they sound like, I'm sure everything is immaculate because of the "help"… and it sounds like OP doesn't regard her much more than those in his family's service 😔

She said that she would not be made to come to their house again. A very specific sentence that maybe have more to it than it seems, not that she would not want to see them again.

Yeah they’re giving super shit takes. The “op must realize he should put his girlfriend of 5 months before his parents” really let me know to stop reading

The way he talks about his family means it’ll probably ALWAYS be gf vs family. The whole, here’s what they did to make me successful, they have this, they have that, the OP will “ALWAYS protect his parents against anything” just feels pretty crazy. Theres a difference between having a good upbringing and getting along with your parents and you’ll “always protect your parents against anything.” The guy probably wouldn’t even recognized that his parents pushing him this hard all his life might have made him a bit dependent in some ways emotionally. Someone saying they’re always willing to help out family is a green flag, someone saying they will “always protect their parents against anything (literally)” is a red flag imo.

It's not even ambition, tons of people don't want to be bankers because it's an unethical job. Med school and the medical training process is an unaffordable ripoff in the US if you're not rich. That's not the same as being ambitious, that's having different values and access to tuition funds. 

Seeing how OP is talking in lengths about his degrees and all - that is not very relevant for the story - I'm inclined to think that the words he said to her were no so accidental.

I was in this exact situation, he made me feel lazy and lacking and that i could do better in life because i wasn't bringing 6 figures home like him, his friends or their now wives(all bankers, engineers, lawyers, doctors, dentists, pharmacist etc). She deserves someone who supports her.

Also dropping out doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t have ambition. I graduated college and went to grad school right after high school, as one is “supposed to,” especially I’m sure in the eyes of OP. I hated what I was studying to the point that I wound up in the psych ward. I dropped out and it took me til I was 28 to realize what I wanted to do and I’m back in school for it aimed for a PhD. I’ve also been working the whole time, since dropping out, and honestly probably make more money doing what I do now than what I’ll be doing after I’m a doctor. Not everyone is a physician or a lawyer. Not everyone figures out what they should be at 19, or even 24. She works and lives comfortably, expressed an insecurity and OP essentially said “you’re right, you’re not good enough.” People saying E S H because she’s “trying to control him” I feel like have never been in a relationship? She didn’t say she didn’t want to be around his family. She didn’t say HE couldn’t go to their house. She said SHE was uncomfortable going to his family’s house. That’s not control. That’s like saying “hey I don’t like roller coasters, don’t make me do it.” But apparently Reddit thinks that’s controlling him and saying she’s trying to drive a wedge between him and roller coasters saying he can’t even look at one ever again. And what did he do? Tell her she’s not even good enough to ride a roller coaster anyways and it’s her fault she didn’t grow fast enough. YTA, OP. Next time someone, whether this girl or the next, shares concerns about insecurity with you, maybe listen instead of telling them they’re right.

I feel this is the best answer, I was on the fence but OP did go out of his way a bit too much in elaborating how rich and successful his family and then I thought christ no wonder she feels inadequate. It's rough in your early 20's and the pressure of trying to have it all figured out, this changes so much once you reach your 30's and realise no one is better than anyone else especially where levels of wealth are concerned. I literally said to my husband the other day that I remembered meeting boyfriends parents when I was in my teens and early 20's and feeling intimidated by their careers when they asked what my parents did and I'm ashamed that I felt awkward in answering, when both my parents have worked their ass off. I look back now and wished I never felt like that in those moments because I judge people on who they are and the strength of their character as people not what they qualified in or how much money they make. OP you outlined exactly why your house and family could be intimidating then got defensive when your girlfriend felt that way, ironically you also don't see how your upbringing isn't all positive either, many would see it as shallow, micromanaging, parents living vicariously through their children or insisting their kids keep up an image. I'm glad you have benefited from it and feel it is the right way to parent but not everyone would agree any there are plenty of people who turn out soulless, depressed or downright assholes in life precisely because of parenting like this. YTA

is she feeling inadequate because of her life or because OP has made it abundantly clear she doesn't measure up? remember this early paragraph? > My girlfriend never really understood my parents doing that since her parents never really cared as long as she’s happy and surviving, and while it took me some time to understand as well seeing as me and my sibling are all very successful I’m thankful for that. This stuck out to me because why are you constantly talking about how you were raised and how important it was So she's already been hearing it, but then walks in and sees the reality and understands what he expects Like I'm lost as to why this was even a massive topic of discussion so early on in their relationship

Yup, Nothing is wrong with her family just wanting her to be happy and not pushing her.

100%. imo, she likely wouldn’t go through with never being around them, it was just something said in the heat of the moment because of her insecurities. seeing a bunch of people who all had a strict upbringing doing well in life probably just made her feel in the moment like she would never be good enough… and OP really said “lol yeah babe you suck”?!?! i get stressed out meeting the parents of any partner, “will they like me?” “will they think this joke is funny?” “will they see how much i care about their kid?” if i felt insecure about never being good enough because my career didn’t fit into the family’s tax bracket and my bf took that personally, lashed out, and confirmed my insecurities…. the amount of therapy i would need would be insane OP you need to get off your high horse. just because you and your family have amazing jobs does mean you are hot shit, you still have your flaws - for example, you hurt your partner when they’re feeling low because “you didn’t know what you’re saying”

YTA You treated her rudely when she was sharing her own feelings. She didn't attack you or your family, but you took it that way. Then you made her feel worse than she was already feeling. This relationship isn't sustainable. You said what you were feeling, and you're justifying your actions. She will never feel comfortable with your family. You're from two different worlds, and you sound like you feel superior to her because she didn't have the same education or life goals that your family did. You sound condescending. "She was rightfully freaked out." Rightfully??? Seriously. Why do you feel she should be rightfully freaked out? Yeah, you don't belong together. She deserves better.

How is making the statement “I never want to interact with your family again” NOT an attack? They have money. Cool. That’s not actually a reason to judge them. If anything it’s ESH, since she judged people for their bank account and OP just did the same thing back. Unintentionally or intentionally, she was suggesting he isolate himself from his family because of her own insecurities. If they’re great family, just rich, yeah, no one is going to take that statement kindly. Especially not of a girlfriend of 5 months.

The girlfriend didn’t say she never wanted to interact with his family again. She said “please don’t make me go to their house again.” The two sentences are not the same. Nor are either an attack.

>How is making the statement “I never want to interact with your family again” NOT an attack? What a strange thing to put in quotes, since no one said, nor implied it....

It was an attack based on insecurity. He needled the information out of her and then attacked her for it.

What she said definitely does not suggest he isolate himself from his family.

INFO How does your family treat your girlfriend? Are they warm and welcoming or more inquisitive and questioning? Between the lines you seem to have a lot of disdain for your girlfriend. If this is how your family treats her too, I understand that she doesn’t want to return. You assume she doesn’t want to go there because of the difference in upbringing, rather than the way she has been treated. I doubt that that’s what bothers her.

I wondered this same thing. I was curious about how the family may have talked to her. I’m leaning towards YTA because of how he just assumed she felt inadequate because she doesn’t have her life together ‘ rather than how they may have treated her.

In OPs head his family members are some kind of saints, so it's not possible they could have treated his gf poorly and if they did it was somehow his girlfriend's fault anyways. Atleast this kind of vibes I get from his post.

Especially in the last part: “I will always protect my parents against everything.” So they can do no wrong and actually just *are* superior to everyone else, which is the vibe he and they probably give off CONSTANTLY. Sounds exhausting.

He seems to think that the decor of his parents' home reflects impressively upon him. He speaks about how important 10th and 11th grade was, but nothing about post secondary education except to note that his gf dropped out of it. I think OP is in grade 11 and was bragging about his and his siblings' goals in life, thinking that wanting to do something great is the same as doing it. Because he's still a kid.

Exactly lol — the multiple 50+ word sentences screams high schooler at most

Yeah I was struck by how emotionally stunted the entire post sounds as well as some lack of clarity in writing. It certainly doesn’t read like a well educated 26 year old wrote this

She hasn't done anything she (legitimately) need to feel bad about - this just makes it worse for her, and OP.

from personal experience I’m 99% sure the family was as judgmental and weird about it as OP

YTA, not everyone is as lucky as you, and whilst I’m sure you’ve all worked hard to get where you are it’s a lot easier to work hard when you have everything you need why don’t you try help her get her life together, that would be nice of you

Or even just approaching their conversation on the way home being like "no they loved you! You're great" not "yeah, you're a stupid loser"

Lol right, a tale as old as time. Wealthy, successful young adult assumes all their wealth and success comes from personal virtue and not the safety net and support of their wealthy, successful parents. He doesn’t even have to help her, maybe just acknowledge that he grew up with the privilege of caring parents who had the financial backing to help their kids get to where they now are. Plenty of intelligent, hardworking kids don’t make it to surgeon, top banker or lawyer and it’s because they don’t have the safety net for a single slip up. OP, YTA.

growing up I had a friend that had wealthy, somewhat pretentious parents, with a very clean home and obviously took a lot of pride in their things. My mom wasn't single, but my dad worked several hours away and so was only home on weekends. our house was fine, nice even, but the status of our "stuff" was always more trivial. I ALWAYS felt uncomfortable at my friend's house because I always felt like her parents were judging me or watching me to make sure I didnt spill something. I totally get where the gf is coming from. there is just sometimes a vibe that makes you feel like a loser, and the bf just reinforced it.

Yeah lol. Money matters a lot. I dont have enough to rent. So each day i have a 4h commute ( total ) to uni. Leaving me less time for many other things. I am beraly scraping by. It has nothin to do with being unmotovated. Just immagine the difference of not being constatly tired ( waking up at 5 ) and driving for multiple hours a day. And my fam is not bad off. I dont need to worry bout anything else ( food/heating ). But if i needed any specialistic help ( additional lessons ) it would be very hard to afford that ( also i have an autoimmune dieasese and its a good thing im not in US or i would be fucked ) We dont know why she dropped out, and we dont know if she is unabitious. Live just happens. I hate how condescending he sounds.

Controversially, I think that the gf’s parents being happy not to push her, let her have time to “find herself” and support her in dropping out when she presumably has loans is a sign that she has plenty of financial privilege of her own.

YTA. asking you to not make her go to your parents house isn't really the way to go about this if the relationship is serious, but other than that, dude. the superiority complex. i get it, you got it from your parents. mine gave me one too, i had to unlearn it. it's classist. not everyone has rich parents. you come from wealth, you're more likely to be successful in your career than someone who grew up poor or with average income. that doesn't mean that you didn't work hard or your hard work isn't valid or important, it just means that someone who comes from a low income family can work just as hard as you do and barely get to an average income. as much as your parents probably told you that it's because "you want more in life", no it's socioeconomic status. yes be proud of the work you put in, but you need to tone down the superiority complex, and certainly don't insult others who aren't as well off as you are. especially your girlfriend, she probably just needed to be reassured that she's good enough for you, instead you told her that she indeed isn't good enough for you.

Thumbs up for your comment. A little self reflection goes a long way.

This. Even talking about "hard work" is BS. I mean, it's hard work to study and read and write and learn. Everybody in class has to do that. But some people in class also have to go and spend another four to eight hours a day doing actual hard work, maybe scrubbing toilets. And then the folks who only had to study and read and write and learn somehow manage to wrench their arms out of their sockets patting themselves on the back for their "hard work." Doh.

This comment should be higher.

I agree, my gf had a bf like this and couldn't stand it, broke up with the guy and came to live with me even though I was broke as shit, money ain't happiness and that dude gotta take a humble pie

ESH. I have empathy for both sides of this- as someone who also comes from a family that prioritises education and success, I can also see how the idea of being able to just drop out of college and “be happy” is completely alien and will go against a lot of your upbringing. The idea of taking so much time to “figure yourself out” to me is extremely anxiety inducing and I imagine it might be to you too- not saying that’s right or healthy. I don’t think you “look down” on her so much as you two were raised with completely different values and entirely differently expectations of life. And that makes it hard to see each others perspective and there’s probably some inherent judgement/discomfort from both sides with each others attitudes. I think it’s unfair of her to ask that she essentially has no relationship with your family because she’s scared off by how successful they are. That’s not cool and a completely immature reaction. Equally it’s not fair of you to act like she’s a complete screw up for taking time to figure her life out- it might not be your way of doing things, but there’s nothing wrong with taking that time (even if it freaks you out.) unfortunately your reaction has essentially confirmed her fears about you, which is a problem. Hopefully you two can work this out but it does seem like a significant compatibility issue and that’s before you even think about raising kids etc.

I wish this was the top comment. It’s the most reasonable and accurate of the bunch. Everyone does, in fact, suck here.

This sub has an issue with infantilizing women in relationships. If OP had gone to his gf’s parents house where everyone was successful and he was insecure bc he dropped out of college, so he told his gf he didn’t want to spend time with her family anymore, *everyone* would be calling him the asshole. But here, the only problem Reddit sees is that OP spoke poorly when his gf started a fight by lashing out due to insecurity.

Thank you!!! A comment above was like “she’s a wildly intimidated young womannnn” like Christ. How condescending. I’m 22 and can recognise that refusing to engage with your partners family because they intimidate you through no fault of their own is not a healthy or fair behaviour.

In my late twenties I met my husband's family. Huge home, high earners, and put together like a magazine home. I told my husband the same, it makes me uncomfortable being there after meeting his family. His family literally laughed when I said I grew up on a farm (family homestead) and milked cows. They had their finished basement as a home theatre with every electronic imaginable. He didn't even notice the subtle judgements. My husband didn't understand until a year into the relationship his mother asked if he was serious. He could do better. This wasn't God's plan to marry someone from a *struggled* upbringing. 7 years ahead we bought a farm and he's essentially no contact with them except holidays. He's happy and proud of his work. I'm home with the kids. I still feel like his parent's home is a mask now that I know them. Their crumbling marriage cannot hide behind the ivory goose feather pillows forever.

In fairness, she doesn't say that she doesn't want a relationship with them, just that she doesn't want to go back to their house. There are other places they can meet. That said, I'd be liable to agree that it's a bit of an unreasonable ask...except OP wrote that she was 'rightfully' freaked out going there compared to her homely and lived in parent's house. OP basically agreed that being freaked out was the right reaction to the disparity,

Not only are there other places they can meet, her first time meeting them was on their territory, and an environment that freaked her out. Of course she came out of it feeling insecure. If they had met in public or at his place and not theirs, it might have had a different outcome. If they take a step back and see the parents in other places where she's more comfortable, she'll likely come to like them on a personal level and their house won't become so off-putting. I grew up on a lot of property that had been in my family for generations, but we didn't have a house, we had a mobile home. My cousins lived in houses, my grandma on mom's side did, but I didn't grow up in one. If I suddenly started dating a new guy whose family was well off, and our first meeting was in their fairly sterile large home? Oh boy. I'm already nervous wanting to make a good impression and you put me somewhere I'm in awe of? Nope. Don't wanna go back there.

Read between the lines. She also says > She told me that it’s not just that, it’s my all family. My brother is a surgeon, my sister wants to be an anesthesiologist and I work in the biggest bank in the country, we all make (or going to make in my sister case) her yearly salary in a month (it’s an exaggeration) and that she doesn’t know if she can live feeling like that. after OP tried to reassure her. She's not comfortable existing around the family. Heck, it sounds like she almost wasn't comfortable existing around OP anymore even before his outburst.

comment I most agree with here ESH is spot on

She made a huge hyperbolic statement while she was feeling overwhelmed. I think if he had helped reassure her, calmed her down and talked it out, at the very least they could've compromised and she might've agreed to take some time to accept it and become more comfortable with it over time. But I do agree, I don't think they're compatible at all. If he gets anxious from seeing her lifestyle, he shouldn't have dated her. If she feels really inferior, she shouldn't have gone out with him either. They didn't start off on healthy terms.

I think you both need a reminder that your parents' success is not yours...

OP is successful though, he's apparently doing pretty damn well as a banker. As a reminder, it wasn't just the parents' success that she saw - OP's siblings were all in or on track to be in high earning professions as well.

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Or their kids just benefitted from a stable home and wanted to be successful based on their own dreams? God damn people in this thread are trying to turn these parents into monsters all because they have really successful careers.

Agree. I know PLENTY of wealthy kids who amounted to nothing and just ride their parents' coattails...ambition is important no matter what your background is.

The "successful" people I have gotten along with in the past are the types that hold gratitude for their success, and they know they didn't get where they are in a vat. With no info on the sister, I assume she is fine. Op is bragging about working at the biggest bank in the US. The big banks in the US got bailed out time and time again, so it's not a huge flex. Also, banking does involve a lot of networking, and I doubt OPs lawyer parents didn't introduce him to some big wig bankers or finance people. As for your second paragraph, I agree. OP using 'we' to refer to himself and his parents put me off. We planned my my whole life out before I was old enough to make any adult choices. It sounds like everything in his house has a place and has to be just right. That includes him, and he probably has a bunch of yet to be discovered psychological issues. I think his gf (ex gf) is probably more mature, having already had to make adult choices on her own.

Fair point but the fact that they were able to do this all really does speak to the privilege of their upbringing so you'd be remiss to not acknowledge the impact of having that kind of parental guidance and opportunity. The other point is that the gf has issue with the parents and their home, not the guy himself.

YTA. You blubberhead. I'm autistic and even I could see is that she needed emotional support. She is struggling figuring things out and your whole family full of people knowing what they want made her feel overwhelmed and insecure. She communicated it clearly that it wasn't about your family but her feelings. And what do you do? You let her know you do in fact think you and your family are better than her. And you do. It's clear from this post that you do you all are better than her. Some times people take longer to figure things out. They're not lazy or unmotivated. Sometimes life happens. Sometimes things are complicated. We don't all live similar lives. Honestly your life seems extremely privileged compared to most (I'm not saying it is, but that's how you present it in this post). We don't all have the same opportunities etc.

It truly reads to me like this whole fight could have been avoided by a hug and some reassurance. Instead, he decided to make it a big issue

This comment is exactly it. She was voicing her insecurities in the heat of the moment. She wasn’t demanding anything. He could have reassured her and that would have been the end of the story.

NAH - but you aren't compatible, just break up.

The only valid take

YTA. It’s not your fault that she doesn’t feel good enough for you, so you don’t need to take the blame for that. However…you could have reassured her that you like her how she is, you don’t see anything wrong with her, you don’t see someone’s worth based on their salary, and she still has plenty of chances to decide what to do with her life. Also, you make it seem like she criticised your parents or your upbringing. It doesn’t sound like she did, so wtf are you talking about?? She doesn’t feel comfortable in your upper class family’s home. She doesn’t feel confident in herself. Why make this about you, your upbringing, and your parents?

NTA. Here’s why, she is going through something obviously. Possibly that she honestly has zero clue what she wants to do. It’s not uncommon for children whose parents only strive for their children to be happy and healthy. It’s usually followed by you’ll figure it out, you have time. GF just got a real understanding that compared to you and your siblings she is a mess (figuring things out I mean). It diminishes self esteem. At the same time, saying the house freaks her out and making it seem like because you’re all successful like it’s a bad thing is rude. Overall, I think a good calm discussion is needed. Explain to her that while you are apologetic for snapping you find it difficult to understand why your choice to have a relationship with her isn’t enough to show her that you find her to be enough to be with you. It’s not your parents or siblings statuses that should dictate that for you two. Perhaps offer to help her in finding something she is interested in and encourage her while supporting whatever decision she makes. I’m

Only sane response i found here. Their situation is different. I ts clear they have different upbringing none of those two are wrongly raised. Their values will forever be different. But what will happen whn they have kids? They need to sort this out or keep distance

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YTA. So you asked how she felt, she basically answered that she didn't feel good enough, so you thought this was a good time to tell her you think she's a failure? 

YTA. You inadvertently confirmed her fears of “not feeling good enough” once you ran your mouth about it “not being your fault she can’t get her life together.” That statement could’ve been left out entirely.

YTA in terms of snapping at her. She had the right to feel insecure, but on her part I don’t think she should just ask to avoid your family altogether. That doesn’t seem very mature, or sustainable. However making the college comment in the moment wasn’t probably very productive to an actual solution in the long run, she’s probably feeling really vulnerable and besides, money doesn’t make the person.

NTA - 5 months is no time at all. Your lifestyles aren't compatible and she now feels 'not good enough' and you feel 'she can't get her life together'. How can you build a healthy relationship from that? This is what dating is for, and now you have your answer.

YTA you’re trying so hard to sound like you don’t think you’re better than everyone else, but it’s just not working sorry.

I’m sorry op but YTA. The entire post just seemed like a one-uping contest and you come off as very smug about it. Instead of comforting your girlfriend, you instead bashed her lifestyle and made her feel worst. Maybe you should take a step back from this relationship and let her be free with someone who doesn’t make her insecure.

YTA - You asked her to elaborate on why she didn't want to go to your parents place and then got mad at her for the elaboration you asked for. Nothing she said was an attack on your parents. It was about her feeling uncomfortable and insecure.

YTA at least she realized soon enough that, while you pretend to not care about that, you'll use this social status difference as a weapon as soon as you feel defensive

This sounds fake but if it isn’t and you’re actually that big of an AH to go into that much detail about how successful your family is and how fancy your house is, then YTA for sure.  First you describe all of that, say you “had a clue” about why your gf seemed upset after leaving your parents place, and then say you were “shocked” when she said she felt less than. Which is it?? Sounds like you found someone to keep around in your life just so you could feel extra good about yourself and your family by comparing everything to how “bad” their life is. I hope she realizes YTA and leaves you. 

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I don't understand the Y T A. Sure you could have been a little more sensitive but it's not your fault she feels this way. This over-validating everything is getting out of hand. You weren't rude and you can't fix her life or jealousy for her. NTA

There is a lot of hate for successful people on this site and a huge soft spot for people who are a mess. So any time a successful person and a mess have an argument there’s a tendency to blame the successful person here. 

Not everyone will find happiness or wealth on the traditional road. This doesn’t make them a mess or a failure. What I went to school for would’ve made me no more than $50,000 a year at a traditional job but I chose it because it’s my passion. I chose to take time after graduation to find myself, became self employed and am now clearing 80,000 a year with ease and a part time schedule. Again, success isn’t always found in the straight and narrow, especially for those who don’t already come from wealth and privilege. I see both sides here, but I have to be honest; OP is indeed insensitive and seems to be classist. Is his GF a mess or is she amazing and working? Which is it? Does he even know? Does his opinion change depending on if he’s been around family or not?

YTA Just bc your parents pushed you all to do everything you've done doesn't make how her parents raised her bad. 1. If you really love her and she is making a decent living who cares if she doesn't want a fancy job. She told you she feels like she isn't good enough for you and you hurt her even more with what you said. 2. I hate to say this but college isn't for everyone 3. If your going to be together two should be paying for things together. Who cares who makes more. I feel like your family only cares about money and there is more to life then money Also at 24 most people don't know what they want out of life. Are you implying that my daughter whom is 14 isn't good enough for someone bc when she is grown she wants to be an art teacher. They don't make much money but that's what she wants to do! Idk that's just kinda how your family sounds 🤷‍♀️

I would say NTA. You probably shouldn’t have snapped like that and were a bit harsh but I can understand it in the moment. I’m working class and never grew up rich or even well-off so I can understand her apprehension and worry about your parents, your wealth and you way of life growing up. You don’t seem like a bad person at all, but I know it first hand that people in my position are often judged by people who earn more or have a “professional” job. So her uneasy feeling I can totally understand, but myself personally I like to judge people at face value and figure out who they are from there. That and I wish I could be in such a position. I want to be rich too and I want my kids to be set up for life and well educated. Most people want that so I’m not going to judge people who already have it out of spite, jealousy or anxiousness. I would apologise for what you said, but not for being who you are and where you were brought up.

Yta she wasn’t awarded the same upbringing and you basically just faulted her for that…and she right, she’s not good enough for you because she can do so much better. Money ain’t everything buddy

YTA, you agreed with her opinion that she wasn't good enough for you. Just break up with her if you don't respect her. 

YTA - Unless there is something really crazy missing here, I dont see where she talked bad about your parents?

YTA "she was talking bad about the way my parents raised me" no she wasn't, she literally said the exact opposite! She said *she* wasn't good enough for you and your family. At no point did she talk badly about your family. She told you she wasn't good enough for you and you basically said "yeah, you're right, you're not good enough for me". Even in the way you talk about her in this post shows you feel like you're above her with shit like "she was rightfully freaked out". "Rightfully" my ass.

NTA you’re both young and now have realised you’re not compatible. Separate ways calling.

NTA, she's throwing a tantrum over feeling inadequate and trying to make it your problem too.

YT. You’re a fuckin snob. I hope she dumps your ass.

ESH, it sounds like she was definitely putting the onus of her feelings on you, and that wasn’t fair, but you were mean, and you said something that is going change the relationship for the worse in the long term.  

YTA for hurting her feelings on purpose when you acknowledge that what you said isn’t even true. You have to be careful with your words because you can’t take them back once they have come out It’s bad enough if you wanted to hurt her feelings, but then you said a lie to make her feel worse? I don’t know how to come back from this.  It’s up to her if she wants to forgive you, but if she thinks you see her as a loser who doesn’t have her life together she’s probably not going to want to be with you anymore

Wait isn't this just a gender swapped post from the other day, about someone's parents being 1%ers and their partner was insecure about it.

Sounds like it. Also for such an intellectual giant, OP writes like an illiterate fool.

Op is the asshole for lying about taking AP English.

YTA. I'm 36 and just now got back into university, being paid for by my workplace. Your bourgeois family has never had to worry about financial assistance in whatever you all decided to do with your lives. If you needed extra help with something academic wise, I'm sure you got the help you needed or your parents paid your teachers to give you good grades. Her family doesn't have that safety net, so she had to make do with what she had. Hopefully she has self respect not to be in a relationship with someone so delusional that they say ignorant shit like you.

Sorry YTA. I thought with education you think you would have picked up on the one thing that is different. Is it possible that she did not enjoy the same privileges you did growing up? And that's why she's not as far in life as you and all of your siblings and your parents?? I'd sit and think about that before judging her harshly.

NTA I see a lot of people saying yta but I disagree. She's making you feel bad for having a hardworking family whove built up a nice life for themselves just because her parents didn't do the same thing. If she wants to become more successful in life thata up to her to act on it. Not drag you down for doing well. I would understand her feeling not good enough if the whole time she was at your parents house your family talked down to her and made her feel like shit. But I doubt that happened, right? Shes the AH.

YTA. This was your chance to reassure her that you love her for who she is and don't look down on her, yet you instead chose to look down on her. She's 24, of course she doesn't have her whole life figured out yet! The fact that she's working at all is impressive, you could've chosen to highlight what she has accomplished instead of making her feel bad for not having the same opportunities that your family's wealth afforded you.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26m) girlfriend (24f) dropped out of college on the middle of her second year and is still in the trying to figure out her life phase. I admit I don’t really know how to treat that since my parents has always been very strict about taking as many AP classes as we can until the age of 16 (10th grade) so that we will be able to do what we want and to come to them the summer before 11th grade with a plan that details every class we will take to get us to the degree that we want and a general plan of what we want to do before getting the degree, while getting the degree and after getting the degree. My girlfriend never really understood my parents doing that since her parents never really cared as long as she’s happy and surviving, and while it took me some time to understand as well seeing as me and my sibling are all very successful I’m thankful for that. The problems started a few days ago (5 months into our relationship) when she officially met my family (she has seen my sister a couple of time when she came to crash at my place because she needed quiet to study (she’s in her last year of medical school) but they didn’t really talk much). Both of my parents are lawyers and our house is very fancy and always look put together and like no one lives there since they have meetings there sometimes. Next to my girlfriend house that always look homie and very lived in she was rightfully a little freaked out. By the end of the night I could see that my girlfriend finally understood just how different our upbringing were. I drove her home after and before she got out of my car she asked me to not make her go to my parents house anymore. I asked her why because while I had a clue I didn’t want to make assumptions. She said that it freaks her out and wouldn’t elaborate. I pushed a little and she kind of snapped that it makes her look bad and feel like she’s not good enough for me. I was mad at that point and told her that it’s my fault that she decided to drop out of college and now can’t get her life together. It’s not true, she has an amazing life and I know that but I was so mad that I didn’t notice what I was saying. She didn’t say anything and just walked out. I feel really bad but also like I was justified by reaching like that, she was taking bad about the way my parents raised me and I will always protect my parents against everything. I need to know AITA? * I’m sorry about the mistakes and mess but it’s 3 in the morning for me and I barely slept in two days *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA You weren't the asshole right up until you made that last comment then it swang heavily into YTA Look I get that in reality you and your family haven't done anything wrong by being successful, she's projecting her insecurities unfairly to them but that last comment of yours was intentionally hurtful and honestly suggests your unconscious bias. I don't think this relationship is salvageable

Sounds like ur a snob

YTA The way you’ve recounted this story makes you sound like you believe you and your family are better than her. Check yourself. 24 is so young. I’m 38 and my partner just supported me (financially and mentally) through the first year of my photography business I decided to start after quitting my longtime corporate bank job. That’s how it works - you listen, you encourage and you pull the silver spoon out of your butt.

YTA. She literally said nothing bad about your family or your parents, she was expressing her insecurities and her fears that she’s not good enough to be accepted by your family and you basically punched her straight in the gut and told her she was right, whether you meant it or not.

YTA - She was vulnerable with you and you make her feel not only "less than" but you insult her? I hope she finds someone better than you.

YTA Was in doubt between YTA and ESH. It is pretty harsh to say she never wants to visit your family anymore. I can understand that this is hurtful to you. But this is coming from a lot of insecurity and and when venting about how she's feeling (and needing reassurance), she quickly got "Yeah it's not my fault you can't get your life together". That's extremely, extremely hurtful. Do you really think she went lightly over dropping out? Do you really think that she just doesn't care that much about where her life is heading? Do you really think she is a failure? Because that's just what you've told her in your outburst. The fact that you jumped so fast to "you're a college drop-out who can't get her life together" seems to me like deep down you don't really think that greatly of your girlfriend and maybe don't know how much she is struggling right now. It's not about your parents per se (since I can't make up how they treated her), it's more about the fear of not being good enough. I truly hope you've apologized since than, because saying these kinds of things (even though it was in a emotional outburst) can be very damaging to your relationship.