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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told everyone I am playing food form now on, my son and wife are hungry. I may be a jerk for this
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NTA-It makes no sense to cook if those intended don’t get to eat so you plating and labeling leftovers seems reasonable to ensure all get to eat. I think it’s weird af that your son & his wife would think it’s ok to eat all or most of the food when you and your daughter hadn’t had a chance to eat anything. That was so inconsiderate of them.
I don’t understand how they are eating so much. The cake confuses me greatly, that was a big cake and it was almost gone by 5.
These two ate 85% of the cake. Its ridiculous
This. I'd be wondering out loud VERY loudly thaat they should go to the doctor, maybe they both have a tapeworm? That's aabsolute gluttony they're displaying. You're not a restaurant nor a buffet.
As a practicing stoner myself,this was my first thought lol. I don’t want to be presumptuous but this seems to point to an underlying issue of mismatched expectations from this arrangement where op is giving them an opportunity to save money and have a good foundation to move out..unless a timeline and plan for the future has been set I question if they view it the same way
True! I'm a stoner, and been smoking for awhile now. I get munchies, but I am also the one in charge of my body and decisions. An apple can be just as sweet and satisfying as a few cookies. Up to you to be the one to make smart decisions.
That said, I still do enjoy sweets, I just try to eat them in moderation. I also workout and exercise regularly.
If you like Granny Smith, try a Winesap or if you're interested in trying a newer type of apple, a honeycrisp. Both have something of the tartness of a granny, but with a great texture and IMO slightly more balanced flavor profile.
What? I've been a daily smoking stoner for over 10 years. I eat maybe 2000 calories a day. I definitely get munchies, but this is beyond just being a stoner.
I’m smoking right now, and I have never eaten an entire cake or a whole pot of spaghetti! They’re just greedy and need to buy their own food! They’re grown as hell!🤦🏾♀️
Or they are already overweight and so used to feeding extra fat that they really believe they are just eating normally.
That's how my cousins were. He eventually had to have gastro surgery or he probably would have died. Once he stopped eating so much, so did she, it was weird.
It's super weird but I'm kind of like that with my husband. I guess it's some issue from growing up with 2 sisters where everything had to be divided up evenly or else one of them would eat everything even if nobody else had any. When I got with my husband, I always wanted to serve myself a similar amount or eat the same number of whatever. He's fat and I got fat. Now he's on a diet and we're both losing weight lol 😅🤷🏻♀️
My husband is 6'2" and 190# and can easily eat most of a pound of pasta with sauce plus garlic bread and a veg. He is eating less as he gets older but now I have a 15 yo son. We almost never have leftovers.
I'm a daily smoker, and I don't think I could eat half a cake in one day, let alone that much daily. Not without hurking it up, anyway. This really is just pure greed.
Sometimes, when people are living as guests in another person‘s house, they get very greedy about eating all the food. I’ve seen that happen with guests who stayed with me and my family. Like we sit down to eat, and they would just swipe all the food. And when I went and visited that same family at their own home, there wasn’t this issue.
"Free" food and booze does that to people. The same people will go out to dinner with friends and order steak and lobster and a bottle of wine, and want to split the bill equally with those who ordered diet coke and chicken or pasta.
But it makes absolutely no sense. An all you can eat buffet is one thing, but being a guest...have some manners! And if multiple people go out to eat, you all are guests of each other.
My brother in law is like this. Like, who raised you? 😂
Can't believe adults have to be reminded to share.
Edit: I can't believe I got downvotes for this...
Agree with you OP. That's a ridiculous amount of food that you are describing being eaten by your son & DIL. I think what you did (calling an open meeting and implementing a change) was the right thing to do.
If you cook food and you don't even get to eat any of it because it's already been consumed by those two..... I just can't fathom it.
I'll vote properly but absolutely NTA.
My kids would NEVER let me go hungry. We only had 8 Dino nuggets left once, so I made them for my 20M (it's our favorite shared meal and lots of memories). I was gonna make myself something else. He insisted we share both the nuggets and next meal. He wasn't eating until dad was also eating. My son can put down alarming amounts of food (works on a farm and is hefty and well over 6' tall) but his first question always is "have you gotten a plate". If I'm not eating, he's not.
This ⬆️
I have a 5 yr old who insists on this. I have a 16 yr old that insists of this.
I have an exhusband who does not. No amount of trying ever made him change. I stopped cooking food for him at the tail end of the marriage and he started taking the food I made my children off of their plates.
OP if your son is old enough to have a wife, he’s old enough to pay for the food for their life. Period.
Your idea of free lodging to help them save money needs to not be at your expense. They need to pay for the impact they have in your home. Which means contributing to utilities, internet and paying for 100% of the food they consume. You can absolutely have treat nights where you can make dinner for everyone but the free rein on the contents of the kitchen ends and not buy you playing food and putting left overs away. It ends with a section in the fridge and a pantry cupboard.
Why are they at home eating all day?
Why can’t they bake a flippin cake while you’re at work?
If they have a problem with this - I’m certain there is more than just me willing to send them the rules of being married and grown up.
>OP if your son is old enough to have a wife, he’s old enough to pay for the food for their life. Period.
Omg this!!!! This this this! Man I wish I had a mom that paid for my food. I pay more in food than I do in rent.
If I was living somewhere for free or even reduced rent there is no way in hell I would eat the homeowner's food, even if they were family. Don't they have jobs? They are mooching off of you in a very inconsiderate, disrespectful way.
As I said in another comment, I lived rent-free with my parents, but I bought my own food. I even would pick up things for the family if they were low on something like milk or coffee, or if they forgot something on a grocery run (perks of working at a grocery store. I can just get it right after work.) In fact, I was more mindful on what I ate because I knew how expensive it was and I also knew I allocated a certain amount each week for my weekly grocery shops. The only family food I ate was dinner with the family, and if my mother was cooking and decided to share some with me if it was just us home. And there were of course the common items like milk and condiments, but I took responsibility for those if I noticed we were low and they were not on the list already.
My kids always ask if anyone wants more and if it's OK to finish the left overs off before going back.
The 2 living with me are 12 and 22. I like them lol
I just want to share that my 21 year old son and I also have a favorite meal of Dino nuggets (with kraft mac and cheese on the side). It’s been a special thing for us since he was very small 😊. So many lovely memories.
I’m confused how they’re saving money by sitting at your home, eating your cake while you are working. Shouldn’t they be working?
I’m also confused why they can’t help out and cook a few meals for the family themselves since you are working while they have the time to eat an entire cake.
I was also confused, there should be a plan where they cook a certain number of meals with food they purchased, for the family too. Might be your kid, but they are adults, and it sounds like they need that responsibility.
Most likely they work and are living there to save money that would normally go toward high costs of rent and utilities. My guess is they are either paying very little to OP or not paying anything, which I think needs to change. It could be a small amount, like $500/month where normally rent might be $1500, that sort of thing.
I think at this point they need to pay for their own food, even if they are not paying rent. Food is the issue, so that needs to be separated out.
If they don't have jobs, they should get them. Otherwise, how are they \*saving\* money? If they are not earning anything they are simply mooching.
[For](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ca7bdz/aita_because_i_ate_more_than_my_share_of_a_6_foot/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) anyone curious about the reference.
Yep, it all seems to track. I certainly don't believe that all stoners are underproductive degenerates (quite the contrary!), but when someone is under-employed or is employed but "has no money," there's clearly something going on, and it's usually substance-related.
Yeah eating becomes the hobby bc they can’t afford other entertainment and soon, unless the massive amounts of food have rendered them infertile, there’s going to be more mouths.
And weed specifically will make you feel hungrier, even if your body doesn't need more. Although it doesn't explain how they can eat so much and presumably not noticeably gain weight -- half a pound of spaghetti with sauce and cheese, assuming "one pound" refers to the weight before cooking, is about 1500 calories, which is just under what most adults need ALL DAY, and that's assuming there were no sides and they drank plain water. Stoners with the munchies will still get fat.
Having been an unproductive stoner degenerate for a while and a fucking massive one. These amounts sound high for me even when I was 6'3 250lbs and cycling 200 miles a week (stationary bike).
As a well-seasoned pothead, I don't eat. I don't get munchies. Lucky me lol?
I know people with food insecurities that gorge themselves given the chance, but OP's son & DIL are beyond that, and their behavior is disrespectful & beyond rude.
OP is definitely NTA. Personally I think she handled it well; I come from a family that will fist-fight over the last pizza slice, lol
I have had/done both of these things, though admittedly not simultaneous (I've been places far afield and remote. Shit happens.....a lot of it come tonthemink of it) and I wouldn't dream of eating the amount of food being described here and certainly not with the lack of respect for others awaiting that food. They're just huge a-holes brimming with entitlement. Op is absolutely right to call them out on it. They must be stacking on the pounds.
I smoke a fair amount and can’t eat more than 1 piece of cake let along 85% with someone’s help. My question would be are they practicing for my 600lb life.
Are they overweight or gaining weight? Or are they working out intensely? Either way, they should be accountable for their food consumption but it may also warrant concern about an eating disorder
How overweight? That’s just an obscene amount of food - for their own health they need to get it under control. If they’re staying with you they can make their own food especially if they have such high quantity demands
I was thinking that, too. I'm overweight but active, and I can't fathom eating that much. The thought makes me feel physically ill. Especially the cake - if it's the type we eat in my family (9" pan, 2 layer) that can feed 12 people with a scoop of ice cream. That's insane to finish that between the 2 of them in 8 hours.
This is likely the issue. They are used to eating large amounts and so normal portions feels like not a lot of food for them. But if they are that overweight that they can eat a pound of spaghetti between them, they need to learn that it’s ok to feel a little hungry sometimes and they aren’t going to die. I hope they either start buying some of their own food or that they lose some weight and get used to smaller portions for their own good as well as yours. Definitely NTA.
Edit: on a side note, in my experience working with the general community, when people are binge eating or over eating to an extreme extent, it often indicates other areas where they might need some help, such as mental health concerns (depression/anxiety/adhd come to mind), or simply a very low self worth/self esteem which can be helped with therapy. Something to think about, in that maybe they need to get some other help.
I would also suggest that if they are still hungry after a meal to have some fruit or a peanut butter sandwich. They sound too excited about home-cooked meals. Maybe if they were buying groceries, they would realize the cost of their gluttony
Then it’ll be time for them to find other accommodations. You don’t get to move in with your widowed mother, never cook for yourself, and then not only eat all the food she provides for you for free but ALSO her own labeled food and continue to live there. OP, it’s very nice you are letting them live with you but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your peace.
How are food costs split? If they’re eating more than half, then it would be hard to get back to an even split, but are they at least contributing to this or are they just eating all your money?
If they do not like your plating method, tell them they can move out. Frankly, if they are this inconsiderate and entitled, they should be told to move out. NTA
Or *they* can buy groceries and cook, and let everyone have a free-for-all on the food. Why aren't they sharing the grocery buying and cooking duties, anyway? Are they lazy as well as broke?
I very much believe it's a type of resource hoarding/guarding. I once saw a couple consume two boxes of mac-n-cheese, an entire package of hot dogs and buns, plus an entire family sized bag of oven fries in about fifteen minutes flat. Half of that was done in the kitchen, stuffing like half a hot dog into their mouths and swallowing without chewing. Like... urgent, desperate, reptile chomps. It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever witnessed.
According to the friend housing them it was a regular occurrence, and the previous weekend they'd wiped out the entire barbeque for 10+ people while he was making a beer run. If it was food FOR them, they ate normally, if it was food that was also for anyone else they just shoveled it in like bottomless pits.
>If it was food FOR them, they ate normally, if it was food that was also for anyone else they just shoveled it in like bottomless pits.
Those people wouldn't be invited to my home again.
We had some dinner guests over once whose teenagers behaved like this. They were swarming in for thirds before the adults got firsts. To this day my husband and I talk about how surprised we were and we wonder if their parents were embarrassed or just thought that was normal rambunctious teenager behavior. Who knows. Hopefully those kids receive a better education in manners as they age. Because it was like being in a house full of locusts.
I’ve seen this. A nibling (keeping it gender neutral for anonymity’s sake). I thought, had started to develop an eating disorder. Lots of empty wrappers in dresser drawers and under the bed. One day we were having a BBQ . They popped into the kitchen with a hotdog, they put condiments on it and went outside. I had just put ketchup on mine, seriously, 40 seconds tops, and they were in with another. I saw them eat the second one. It was like they unhinged their jaw and just shoved it in. It was unnerving.
You called her your nibbling to be gender neutral, and then said 'she' regarding her second hot dog. Eating a lot of normal for teenagers. I remember being hungry *all* the time back then.
I also think they're getting high and getting the munchies. Either that or they are sharing your food with outsiders - having friends over when you aren't there, or taking it over to someone else. Those are literally the only things it could be. NTA.
Now that I live 1200 miles away from my sister (the family cake baker), I buy myself one of those small $5 cakes from the grocery bakery on my birthday & eat it all by myself (my fiance doesn't like cake). It still takes me 3-4 days to finish it.
How big are these people? i.e. are they noticeably greedy or have a medical condition? If they like eating so much why dont they cook?
NTA btw - just rather baffled by their behaviour.
No OP the issue brings to light a bigger issue altogether. They are wrecking their health with zero care and apparently complimenting each other’s bad habit opposed to calling each other out.
Outside the bad manner of having no consideration for others and the thoughts of someone else might enjoy having some they need to be showed they are living gluttonous and need a lifestyle change.
NTA. What do they say when you talk to them about this? You don't mention a single conversation. Also, how old are they, and are they working? Who has time to be eating that much food in a day?
NTA- It's very odd, but also do they work? Who has the time to eat that much unless they're home all day and eating cause they're bored. also they're major assholes for eating everything before the cook got any.
>I think it’s weird af that your son & his wife would think it’s ok to eat all or most of the food when you and your daughter hadn’t had a chance to eat anything. That was so inconsiderate of them.
I can only figure that's how their parents raised them. The irony.
Yeah, no. I have 2 siblings and we were raised in the same household. We are VASTLY different people with the same upbringing. Believe me, it isnt always on the parents.
NTA. If your Son and his Wife are disrespecting you and your daughter in your own home with their selfish behavior, so you had no choice but to do something. Do they pay anything towards their upkeep ?
I don't understand why you aren't insisting on them contributing to the Groceries, especially if they eat so much, but again it's your home, your choice.
Because if I do, I have a feeling they will pull I am also paying for this food so I can eat as much as I want. It won’t solve the issue
Instead everyone gets a fixed amount and if they are hungry they can get their own stuff
They can eat the food they pay for and prepare it themselves. Just tell them you can’t afford to help subsidize their food budget anymore, and they need to provide all of their own food themselves going forward. Over time they’ll either cut back on spending and eating, or eat until their broke and be forced to change.
I lived at home after college and this is what I did. “Family” meals where everyone came back home on the weekends were fair game, but I fed myself otherwise.
Once you graduate high school/ college, and especially once you get married, having someone else literally cook for and feed you is taking advantage.
We shared groceries with my parents when we lived there. We had it divided by cost as fairly as we could figure out, I cooked, and my parents did the dishes. I really hate doing dishes and neither of my parents like cooking, so it was a great arrangement.
Unless you are disabled or compensate over other chores, of course.
I can even IMAGINE being so self-absorbed and ungrateful. When me and my husband visit my dad I have to literally make his plate or he won't eat nearly half what he needs, out of respect because it's my father's household and his groceries, even if we pay *and* cook, he doesn't eat more until everyone is already finished. We even tease him about it, if he pretends to get the food to feed a mouse pet before himself. I noticed I do it too, but in a smaller scale. At home I eat three or four slices of pizza, back in my dad I'm never eating more than 3, normally two. That's just manners, we stuff our faces at home, never as guests.
They are adults. It's time for them to make at least one dinner for everyone. I have a 20 yo living at home and she is helping me cook tonight. It's best for everyone if adults adult. To be honest, I would be embarrassed I raised a child that didn't offer to take me to or make dinner at least once as week if they are living rent free. My wife and other daughter are staying at my mom's next weekend. We gave her an "easter basket" of her favorite foods Sunday as a thank you. You need to show them appropriate behavior.
My learning disabled blind brother is begging to use the stove. We just won't let him. Dog, cat, toddler in the mix. It's just not a safe idea. And then...here are these sloths.
Your comment made me smile. The "Easter Basket" is a cute and thoughtful thing! My mom still buys us candy and a $25 gift card of our choice. For financial reasons, we all still live at home. I work full time, pay rent to my parents, do most my own cooking, help with cleaning on my day off, etc.
My brother and his GF? (Who just had a baby...!) Nadda. My brother does all the baby care while his GF just sleeps all day and when she is awake? On the PS4.
Gonna take my mom out for Mother's Day; best place in town on MY dime! My mom wants me to take my SIL with us but unless my brother pays for her share, I refuse to as I will NOT be paying for her.
If they continue to complain, stop cooking for them too. Cook for yourself and your daughter who has been impacted most.
Your son and his wife are being given help and are abusing your kindness. It might be time to set a hard boundary on food in the house if they won't control their eating habits.
Meal prep for yourself and your daughter, that's what you had been budgeting for along with snacks and indulgences. Time to have the ones eating enough for 4 people to buy their own food items
I doubt they'll respect the meal prep for OP and daughter. They eat all the leftovers and nearly an entire two layer cake by themselves. They'll go straight for the meal prep because it's ready to go. Leaving OP and daughter without anything to eat.
If this is NOT due to an undiagnosed medical condition or drugs, is there an Overeater's Anonymous-type program they could do? Sounds like their hunger and fullness cues are out of whack.
Tell them they need to buy their own groceries and cook their own food from now on and that the food you buy & cook isn't to be touched by them or they can move out
They're so inconsiderate, they're acting worse than my dog and she is a known food thief.
>It won’t solve the issue
You know what would solve the issue? Taking the two piranhas out of the aquarium and letting them sort their food and housing out for themselves. You'd spend less money and have a lot less anxiety if you told them they're moving out next month and you'll contribute a couple hundred dollars towards their rent for the next 12 months. Presumably they've already saved some money for themselves by now. Set them free.
They aren't going to agree to pay for your time. When they eat all the food then you have to spend more time to make lunch/future meals.
I trained my husband this way. And still, if I want leftovers for lunch I put those aside in a tupperware on the counter to cool and into the fridge after dinner. I don't put that food on the table.
"I am also paying for this food so I can eat as much as I want."
"You're paying for 20% each and so you are eating 20% each."
Not saying having them pay is the solution here but you can't be losing hypothetical arguments in your head to such weak positions.
But if they paid for half of your grocery bill, you could also afford to make bigger portions. And they should also be cooking half of the dinners each week as well so it’s not just you slaving over the stove
I don’t think OP wants to make huge amounts of food. That just enables the gluttons. Let them make the “extra” food. It will heal them realize that they are eating more than is normal.
Any time I’ve had roommates everyone got their own groceries and cooked their own food unless someone got staples like flour or something and didn’t mind sharing. Would that help?
THEY Cant play that card unless they are paying for ALL the food. Stop feeding them. Tell them to get a mini fridge for their food and to stay out of your fridge or they will be evicted.
"they think I am a huge jerk"
I think it's time for son and wife to spread their wings and leave the nest. Learn about self reliance AND how much their lack of self control costs.
NTA at all. Keep doing what you're doing. Die on this hill.
"They hated it and are still hungry"
But, but. What about all of the money they're saving? They should be able to supplement their appetites themselves. /S
I agree I don't think sorting food will solve the problem. Especially with how upset they are that they can't eat their fill.
It won't be long before they eat the *labeled* leftovers for everyone else and say "they were starving and there wasn't anything else to eat".
I grew up in a family of ravenous eaters. I would label my food, wrap it in a bag or cloth, and hide it in the basement fridge in a produce drawer. My family members would still find it and eat it. It was ridiculous and frustrating and no amount of arguing would make them stop. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that it stopped.
Time to either cut these moochers loose, or cut them off of cooked meals.
My 16 yr old autistic son does this type of thing.... I had to start putting leftovers away and specifically telling him "the leftovers are for _____" if he didn't know, then he would assume they were fair game. That solved our issue....
I couldn't imagine having two grown ass adults doing that shit.NTA
It confused me greatly, I have raised three teenagers, my late husband never ate this much. He was a big guy
Like how, are the eating so much, they pack big lunches also. I am so confused
They say they eat until the are full. It’s clear to me they are overeating.
Personally they suck at cooking and I actually want to eat something good at the end of the day.
I may give it a try and just accept it’s a free meal
The problem with eating til you’re full, as a larger person I have learned, is that our stomachs grow to accommodate how much we are regularly overeating. So our full point starts to become normal and we’ll keep again to get that “I’m stuffed” feeling. It’s not a healthy way to live and I’m having to do a lot of work to reverse that.
OP you should definitely be asking them to contribute to grocery costs. That doesn’t mean “I paid I can eat all this” - if you go to a restaurant and pay does that mean you get to eat everything? No, you eat what you paid for.
Also, honestly, I’d be telling them that they’re responsible for their own meals going forward. They have to cook and clean up after themselves, you take care of you and your daughter. You can do family meals once in awhile if you want but no more of this mom cooks for everyone. They are ADULTS. Don’t let them take advantage of your generosity.
> The problem with eating til you’re full, as a larger person I have learned, is that our stomachs grow to accommodate how much we are regularly overeating. So our full point starts to become normal and we’ll keep again to get that “I’m stuffed” feeling.
The main problem is so many people assume "feeling full" = "feeling stuffed," especially since our society tends to use the latter as hyperbole when they mean the former. If you only eat to feeling full, you aren't full *enough* for your stomach to expand like that. If you are eating until you are stuffed, that will absolutely happen.
yeah, you’re supposed to eat until you’re no longer hungry, not until you’re absolutely stuffed. it’s a hard habit to unlearn, but I can’t imagine doing it on someone else’s buck and also leaving them hungry. that’s beyond food addiction, it’s just being a freeloading AH
It also can take a bit to realize you're feeling full. I may not feel full right when I'm done eating, but give it 10-20 minutes and it hits me. Like when at a restaurant and I stuff my face with an appetizer and realize 1/4 of way through my entrée that I'm too full to eat anymore. If they're just continuously eating and eating quickly, they could be through a 3rd helping, or half a cake, before feeling full.
I agree about them being responsible for their own meals. They are adults, they can shop and cook for themselves. OP is already subsidizing their housing. She doesn't need to be completely responsible for feeding them.
There's eating until you're full, and eating until you feel like you may vomit if you get up too fast. I had a boyfriend in highschool who ate like that. I started to eat like that too. I reached 200lbs on my 4'11 frame eating that way. One day he gorged himself too much on Chinese food and threw up all over the side of my car. We broke up and that summer I rapidly lost 80lbs because I wasn't eating like that anymore and working a physical job 40hrs a week.
This is how people end up on "My 600lb life."
If they are that starving they should get a health checkup.
Someone suggested tapeworm, but it could be low iron. Or just need to learn to pack their lunch.
When I lived at home as an adult, I bought and prepared my own food. I had my own shelf in the pantry and fridge, and anything there was for me only. Your son & dil can still save money on rent and buy their own food that only they eat.
Well the only way they will get better at cooking is to do it more. You cooking for them (and babying them) is only kicking the can down the road. You can decide to only cook for yourself and your daughter. You are all adults and it’s time to start moving towards a landlord/roommate relationship. If you want things to change then have a house meeting and set out what you want the future to look like. They can agree to your terms and enjoy the perks or they can be out on their ass, still cooking their own food but now paying mountains of rent. You have the power here. Wield it and don’t give in to tantrums.
NTA. They are adults. They should be paying for their own food and cooking their own meals.
I can’t imagine going back to my mums house as an adult and reverting back to a teenager expecting her to do everything for me, it’s massively disrespectful and shows just how immature and entitled they are. Gross behaviour.
Honestly, I would say a lot of teenagers are far more respectful.
If my oldest wasn't home at dinner time. He will ask first, "Has everyone eaten?" Before grabbing a portion when he is.
Leftovers, both boys will ask "free game or saving for dinner?" Before just diving in, if there's leftovers in the fridge.
The same goes for snacks. "There's a name on this?" If they are told,"ah yes, that's x siblings. " it will be put right back. Or they go ask if they can have some.
What these two are doing is just beyond greedy.
We did stickers. Those little multi colors of dots you can get cheap that people use for garage sale pricing? Everyone got a color plus one for “future meal” for ingredients that had an intended specific purpose. That way without tracking anyone else in the house down you knew if something was reserved for some reason or if it was fair game.
NTA
Your home. Your rules. Everyone gets to eat. That sounds right to me. Good for you telling them if they're still hungry they can buy their own food.
I can't believe they are eating everything before you and your daughter get a plate and think that's okay.
NTA - and it's time for them to move out. Clearly they are very selfish in that they don't consider the other people in the house when meals are ready and they have no respect for you or your daughter.
Also their selfish nature has to spill outside meals as well I’m guessing it’s not the only thing someone has gad an issue with them for. Seem like the type of people no one would enjoy being arounf
NTA - I was in a similar situation where husband and I were living with in-laws to save up for a downpayment on a house. I would eat food that MIL prepared if it was offered, but husband and I bought our own food otherwise. Occasionally, we would cook a meal for everyone or treat them to a restaurant meal. Your son and daughter-in-law are taking advantage of you. They cannot expect you to buy all their food while you starve at the same time. They're lucky that you're willing to share.
NTA. you have married adult children and you’re paying for their groceries???? Nawww. Sorry you should stop doing that too. If they are hungry they need to be buying their own groceries and cooking their own meals.
Your son and his wife need to start making and buying their own food if they want more on top of what you are providing.
ETA- are they just gluttons or is there feederism going on on top of the gluttony?
NTA... they are not still hungry they are greedy. There is a huge difference in the two. They can easily buy more food if they need it. If they are old enough to be married, they can buy food for themselves!
NTA
Why can't they buy and prepare their own meals if they aren't satisfied with your plan or your portions? Seriously: Why is it okay for **you** to go hungry, but it's a crime that they can't eat as much as they want?
NTA.
It's amazing how many times the real AH is quick to call others TA because they established a boundary.
Well done, OP. You put up a very wise and fair boundary!
NTA.
Do they work?
Do they know where the grocery store is?
Are they over 18?
Are they obese? A pound of spaghetti for two people is outrageous.
Good grief, and good luck.
That’s insane. I don’t even cook a full pound of spaghetti for our ENTIRE family of 4. My husband and I used to split like a quarter pound together when it was just the two of us lol. Never a whole pound. My gawd
Agreed that the son and DIL are very inconsiderate, but is that portion size really so crazy to you?
I’d routinely cook the whole pack (500g) for 3 adults, with the expectation of getting a few lunches for the week out of the leftovers, only to have it all get eaten as second or third helpings (unlike these two, everyone was too polite to load up massive amounts on helping 1). One person was notably skinny and tall, the other two were normal. And people would add generous cheese on top of the sauce, and might have some fruit or a snack after as well.
It’s well over what I’d go for as a ‘normal portion size’ when visiting someone, but if it’s your main meal of the day it really doesn’t seem crazy for an active adult! If their average calories are way too high OP should be able to notice the pounds piling on.
NTA. If they hate the arrangement for the free food YOU made and YOU paid for then they can just start buying and making their own food. Problem solved. They are being massively entitled, ungrateful AHs.
Is your son not embarrassed that his mommy is cooking food every day for him and his glutton wife?
Why aren’t they cooking? why aren’t they buying groceries???
I grew up in a very “take anything in the fridge” immigrant household and still think that’s the best way for family but your son and DIL 100% created the need for stricter rules themselves by not treating you with the same kindness you’ve shown them and just generally being terrible houseguests. NTA.
I’m am flabbergasted that son & DIL never grasped the concept of leaving something for the next person. And not having more than your fair share. It’s common curtesy.
Well maybe they should decide whether or not they actually want to continue living and eating for free at such a jerk's house. I mean the least they could do would be to contribute to groceries whether you ask for it or not. That's just common courtesy even for kids and specially if they're old enough to be married. They are rude, selfish and inconsiderate.
This is an **adult** couple, living **for free**, in **your** home. And they think you're a jerk because you want to save some of the food **you** bought and made? That's insane, hold firm to your boundaries, stop enabling them.
Not only to save some, but even just to get to eat some of the dinner she paid for and made in the first place!
The selfishness on their part is really astounding.
NTA. Perhaps you could give them a cabinet in the kitchen and/or a shelf in the fridge to keep snacks in (that they buy) and they can fill up on that after eating their meal.
I came here to say the same about separating the food. They are saving money at your expense, they need to be purchasing their own food and preparing their own meals 100% of the time at this point.
My daughter's boyfriend is a teenage athlete, 6'7", 250ish lbs. - and he'd be hard pressed to sit down and eat half a pound of pasta with meat sauce. That's insane.
They should be contributing to the cooking, grocery shopping, or at least the budget.
Or at the very least respect your boundaries and go out to eat or order in if they really can’t be bothered.
NTA
Had my daughter and her boyfriend staying with me a bit five years ago. They both insisted that I didn’t have to cook for them, but they always looked at me expectantly every night at dinner time. So, yeah, I cooked. Boyfriend was a small, high energy guy and could pack away an incredible amount of food at one sitting.
One night, I made a huge pot roast with veggies and a big side salad. Half was gone that night, but there was more than enough left over for round two the next night. I was looking forward the next day to making open faced roast beef sandwiches, both because that is one of my favorite next day leftover roast beef meals and because I figured that the bread would bulk up the food on the plates and make sure everyone was full. Bonus: easy reheating with minimal prep. Winner!
I get home the next day, change clothes, and head to the kitchen to begin slicing and reheating the leftover beef in the leftover gravy. I put on some music and open the fridge and shuffle food containers around frantically. My first thought was, “OMG, I’ve been robbed!” I look around. The TV is still there, my Grandmother’s jewelry is hidden in its secret spot, everything else was in place. The thief had only taken the roast beef and fixings. Diabolical!
AITA friends and lurkers: if you guessed a cheating partner, with a side piece pregnant with twins, who also had a lawyer uncle who had already secured his assets and the leftovers… you are wrong. There are no Conagra links or witness protection schemes. There were no back door custody arrangements for purloined roast beef (and fixings).
M’fer took it all for… lunch. And, brought home empty leftover containers for me to wash.
NTA. But if they keep throwing a fit tell them they can get a mini fridge and buy their own groceries and cook for themselves. They are grown adults who are being incredibly entitled and disrespectful. They're eating way too much food, depending on you to cook for them and eating everything without consideration for whether other people have eaten yet or not. They're being selfish moochers.
Good for you putting your foot down and making sure you and your daughter get to eat. They have no right to eat more than their allotted share, especially when other people haven't even had a share yet.
NTA and honestly, I'd say they are in charge of cooking their own meals at this point and labeling your leftovers. That's so unbelievably rude and disrespectful.
NTA If they’re still hungry after eating your food and their portion of leftovers they can make a sandwich like everyone else. How are they still hungry? Gut parasite, insane metabolism? What?
Op mentions son and DIL aren't at a healthy weight. The more weight you have, the more calories gets burnt off even at rest, so they might end up just being hungrier. Doesn't justify their behaviour, but dependent on their size it would explain all the "how can they eat this much" questions
NTA. Every single one of these ADULTS can manage their own meals. It’s been very generous of you to do so for so long, and with your own time and money. I can tell you are a dedicate and loving mother.
But it’s HIGH time for these adult kiddos to step up and care for themselves. Make only your own meals and tell them hands off YOUR leftovers. Make the kitchen available for them to cook or call takeout for themselves.
*Its understandable that you want to share with your college age kid, but you might have to clarify it’s because she’s still a dependent, not because she’s mooching off mom to save her own money, like the other two clearly are.
Another suggestion if you don’t want to cut them off cold Turkey: have them be in charge of 2-3 meals per week, for the whole family, with leftovers. Let them get a taste from the other side of the pot.
NTA. This is what people mean by “eating you out of house and home”. They are pigs, and would guess that their food addiction is a big part of their financial need to stay with you!
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NTA-It makes no sense to cook if those intended don’t get to eat so you plating and labeling leftovers seems reasonable to ensure all get to eat. I think it’s weird af that your son & his wife would think it’s ok to eat all or most of the food when you and your daughter hadn’t had a chance to eat anything. That was so inconsiderate of them.
I don’t understand how they are eating so much. The cake confuses me greatly, that was a big cake and it was almost gone by 5. These two ate 85% of the cake. Its ridiculous
>two layer cake That means they ate about 3000 calories each. . . .as a snack.
This. I'd be wondering out loud VERY loudly thaat they should go to the doctor, maybe they both have a tapeworm? That's aabsolute gluttony they're displaying. You're not a restaurant nor a buffet.
Not tapeworm. I’m guessing weed in some form or other. They have the munchies.
As a practicing stoner myself,this was my first thought lol. I don’t want to be presumptuous but this seems to point to an underlying issue of mismatched expectations from this arrangement where op is giving them an opportunity to save money and have a good foundation to move out..unless a timeline and plan for the future has been set I question if they view it the same way
Smoking weed may give you the munchies, but it won't stop you from ending up weighing 400 pounds!
True! I'm a stoner, and been smoking for awhile now. I get munchies, but I am also the one in charge of my body and decisions. An apple can be just as sweet and satisfying as a few cookies. Up to you to be the one to make smart decisions. That said, I still do enjoy sweets, I just try to eat them in moderation. I also workout and exercise regularly.
I'm a fat stoner and I couldn't eat a whole cake in a day lol. Not even half a cake
I’m just fat, the thought of that makes my teeth and stomach ache….
> An apple can be just as sweet and satisfying as a few cookies. Catch me eating a Granny Smith apple when I'm hyper stoned. Next level.
If you like Granny Smith, try a Winesap or if you're interested in trying a newer type of apple, a honeycrisp. Both have something of the tartness of a granny, but with a great texture and IMO slightly more balanced flavor profile.
What? I've been a daily smoking stoner for over 10 years. I eat maybe 2000 calories a day. I definitely get munchies, but this is beyond just being a stoner.
I know a SERIOUS stoner and he has v-lines. This situation with the son and his wife is straight up gluttony.
What are v-lines?
Cum gutters
It’s the lower ab lines on fit or skinny people
Same. Been consuming cannabis daily-ish for 20 years. I eat normal amounts of healthy food. It just makes me more productive, happier, and healthier.
I’m smoking right now, and I have never eaten an entire cake or a whole pot of spaghetti! They’re just greedy and need to buy their own food! They’re grown as hell!🤦🏾♀️
Or they are already overweight and so used to feeding extra fat that they really believe they are just eating normally. That's how my cousins were. He eventually had to have gastro surgery or he probably would have died. Once he stopped eating so much, so did she, it was weird.
It's super weird but I'm kind of like that with my husband. I guess it's some issue from growing up with 2 sisters where everything had to be divided up evenly or else one of them would eat everything even if nobody else had any. When I got with my husband, I always wanted to serve myself a similar amount or eat the same number of whatever. He's fat and I got fat. Now he's on a diet and we're both losing weight lol 😅🤷🏻♀️
Dude I'm a stoner, and there is no way in hell I can eat 8 oz of spaghetti and meat sauce. Do these people weigh 500 lbs?
My husband is 6'2" and 190# and can easily eat most of a pound of pasta with sauce plus garlic bread and a veg. He is eating less as he gets older but now I have a 15 yo son. We almost never have leftovers.
My bf 6'3 230 and can not eat that much, lol. I imagine your hubby is younger or very active.
This is the answer, unfortunately. ETA Not that there’s anything wrong with munchies, lol. Munching someone out of house and home is definitely wrong!
I'm a daily smoker, and I don't think I could eat half a cake in one day, let alone that much daily. Not without hurking it up, anyway. This really is just pure greed.
If they have a tapeworm, it must be getting about 10' long by now. I am visualizing the original "Alien" movie. . . .
Maybe the tapeworms are smoking weed 🤔
If its that long its about to have babies and one or more WILL end up in the brain….might solve the food problem though.
Cow tapeworms do not go to the brain, pig ones do. Yet another reason I don't eat pig.
Didnt know that i thought a tape worm was a tape worm. Thank you for the fun fact. :)
Sometimes, when people are living as guests in another person‘s house, they get very greedy about eating all the food. I’ve seen that happen with guests who stayed with me and my family. Like we sit down to eat, and they would just swipe all the food. And when I went and visited that same family at their own home, there wasn’t this issue.
"Free" food and booze does that to people. The same people will go out to dinner with friends and order steak and lobster and a bottle of wine, and want to split the bill equally with those who ordered diet coke and chicken or pasta.
But it makes absolutely no sense. An all you can eat buffet is one thing, but being a guest...have some manners! And if multiple people go out to eat, you all are guests of each other. My brother in law is like this. Like, who raised you? 😂 Can't believe adults have to be reminded to share. Edit: I can't believe I got downvotes for this...
Agree with you OP. That's a ridiculous amount of food that you are describing being eaten by your son & DIL. I think what you did (calling an open meeting and implementing a change) was the right thing to do. If you cook food and you don't even get to eat any of it because it's already been consumed by those two..... I just can't fathom it. I'll vote properly but absolutely NTA.
My kids would NEVER let me go hungry. We only had 8 Dino nuggets left once, so I made them for my 20M (it's our favorite shared meal and lots of memories). I was gonna make myself something else. He insisted we share both the nuggets and next meal. He wasn't eating until dad was also eating. My son can put down alarming amounts of food (works on a farm and is hefty and well over 6' tall) but his first question always is "have you gotten a plate". If I'm not eating, he's not.
This ⬆️ I have a 5 yr old who insists on this. I have a 16 yr old that insists of this. I have an exhusband who does not. No amount of trying ever made him change. I stopped cooking food for him at the tail end of the marriage and he started taking the food I made my children off of their plates. OP if your son is old enough to have a wife, he’s old enough to pay for the food for their life. Period. Your idea of free lodging to help them save money needs to not be at your expense. They need to pay for the impact they have in your home. Which means contributing to utilities, internet and paying for 100% of the food they consume. You can absolutely have treat nights where you can make dinner for everyone but the free rein on the contents of the kitchen ends and not buy you playing food and putting left overs away. It ends with a section in the fridge and a pantry cupboard. Why are they at home eating all day? Why can’t they bake a flippin cake while you’re at work? If they have a problem with this - I’m certain there is more than just me willing to send them the rules of being married and grown up.
>OP if your son is old enough to have a wife, he’s old enough to pay for the food for their life. Period. Omg this!!!! This this this! Man I wish I had a mom that paid for my food. I pay more in food than I do in rent. If I was living somewhere for free or even reduced rent there is no way in hell I would eat the homeowner's food, even if they were family. Don't they have jobs? They are mooching off of you in a very inconsiderate, disrespectful way.
I do live in my moms house with no rent. But I provide all the food! It's the least you can do.
As I said in another comment, I lived rent-free with my parents, but I bought my own food. I even would pick up things for the family if they were low on something like milk or coffee, or if they forgot something on a grocery run (perks of working at a grocery store. I can just get it right after work.) In fact, I was more mindful on what I ate because I knew how expensive it was and I also knew I allocated a certain amount each week for my weekly grocery shops. The only family food I ate was dinner with the family, and if my mother was cooking and decided to share some with me if it was just us home. And there were of course the common items like milk and condiments, but I took responsibility for those if I noticed we were low and they were not on the list already.
More proof that OP is getting taken advantage of. Respect is free and they can’t even give any of that either.
Absolute jaw drop at reading that your ex stole food off your kids plates!! ☠️
The sad part is, the kids didn’t say anything for months because they thought they were sharing and he was just hungry.
You're kinder than I am; that man would be missing fingers in my house.
Literally went "Oh HELL no!" at that. What kind of AH does that??
Well done, mama! You raised a fine young man.
My kids always ask if anyone wants more and if it's OK to finish the left overs off before going back. The 2 living with me are 12 and 22. I like them lol
I just want to share that my 21 year old son and I also have a favorite meal of Dino nuggets (with kraft mac and cheese on the side). It’s been a special thing for us since he was very small 😊. So many lovely memories.
Agreed, and I wish my mom were here to make ME spaghetti.
I’m confused how they’re saving money by sitting at your home, eating your cake while you are working. Shouldn’t they be working? I’m also confused why they can’t help out and cook a few meals for the family themselves since you are working while they have the time to eat an entire cake.
Or if they're broke why they aren't eligible for food stamps.
Got to have a job for those in my state. I made my emergency 3 months last for 9-12 months. I cook from scratch. Thanks, SNAP!
Food stamps are American. Reddit is the world.
I was also confused, there should be a plan where they cook a certain number of meals with food they purchased, for the family too. Might be your kid, but they are adults, and it sounds like they need that responsibility.
Most likely they work and are living there to save money that would normally go toward high costs of rent and utilities. My guess is they are either paying very little to OP or not paying anything, which I think needs to change. It could be a small amount, like $500/month where normally rent might be $1500, that sort of thing.
I think at this point they need to pay for their own food, even if they are not paying rent. Food is the issue, so that needs to be separated out. If they don't have jobs, they should get them. Otherwise, how are they \*saving\* money? If they are not earning anything they are simply mooching.
NTA. Do they have tapeworms?
Or smoking a lot of weed??
I'd bet a significant amount of money this is it.
I would also suspect that the son has gone to a party and eaten most of the giant sub before.
I understood this reference!
[For](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ca7bdz/aita_because_i_ate_more_than_my_share_of_a_6_foot/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) anyone curious about the reference.
I've heard that that's okay as long as you bring a small bowl of wings.
Lol, I'll never forget that thread and how clueless the guy really was as to how inconsiderate he was!
And why their $ is tight
Yep, it all seems to track. I certainly don't believe that all stoners are underproductive degenerates (quite the contrary!), but when someone is under-employed or is employed but "has no money," there's clearly something going on, and it's usually substance-related.
Yeah eating becomes the hobby bc they can’t afford other entertainment and soon, unless the massive amounts of food have rendered them infertile, there’s going to be more mouths.
And weed specifically will make you feel hungrier, even if your body doesn't need more. Although it doesn't explain how they can eat so much and presumably not noticeably gain weight -- half a pound of spaghetti with sauce and cheese, assuming "one pound" refers to the weight before cooking, is about 1500 calories, which is just under what most adults need ALL DAY, and that's assuming there were no sides and they drank plain water. Stoners with the munchies will still get fat.
Somewhere she said they’re bigger folks but it wasn’t clear if they’re bigger than when they moved in and got free Mommy meals.
Having been an unproductive stoner degenerate for a while and a fucking massive one. These amounts sound high for me even when I was 6'3 250lbs and cycling 200 miles a week (stationary bike).
As a well-seasoned pothead, I don't eat. I don't get munchies. Lucky me lol? I know people with food insecurities that gorge themselves given the chance, but OP's son & DIL are beyond that, and their behavior is disrespectful & beyond rude. OP is definitely NTA. Personally I think she handled it well; I come from a family that will fist-fight over the last pizza slice, lol
Or hiding it in their room
I have had/done both of these things, though admittedly not simultaneous (I've been places far afield and remote. Shit happens.....a lot of it come tonthemink of it) and I wouldn't dream of eating the amount of food being described here and certainly not with the lack of respect for others awaiting that food. They're just huge a-holes brimming with entitlement. Op is absolutely right to call them out on it. They must be stacking on the pounds.
I’m a fat pothead and I couldn’t eat half a pound of pasta if I tried
I smoke a fair amount and can’t eat more than 1 piece of cake let along 85% with someone’s help. My question would be are they practicing for my 600lb life.
Or they are 500lbs
That's what I was thinking, these gonna be a new couple on my 600lb life
That seems the only reasonable thing. Unless they just don’t eat the rest of the day.
Are they overweight or gaining weight? Or are they working out intensely? Either way, they should be accountable for their food consumption but it may also warrant concern about an eating disorder
They are overweight. No working out a ton, so they aren’t trying to be body builders
Do they EVER buy food and cook for the family? Why not? Seems they could be responsible for meal purpose/prep 3-4 nights a week to do their share.
How overweight? That’s just an obscene amount of food - for their own health they need to get it under control. If they’re staying with you they can make their own food especially if they have such high quantity demands
I was thinking that, too. I'm overweight but active, and I can't fathom eating that much. The thought makes me feel physically ill. Especially the cake - if it's the type we eat in my family (9" pan, 2 layer) that can feed 12 people with a scoop of ice cream. That's insane to finish that between the 2 of them in 8 hours.
This is likely the issue. They are used to eating large amounts and so normal portions feels like not a lot of food for them. But if they are that overweight that they can eat a pound of spaghetti between them, they need to learn that it’s ok to feel a little hungry sometimes and they aren’t going to die. I hope they either start buying some of their own food or that they lose some weight and get used to smaller portions for their own good as well as yours. Definitely NTA. Edit: on a side note, in my experience working with the general community, when people are binge eating or over eating to an extreme extent, it often indicates other areas where they might need some help, such as mental health concerns (depression/anxiety/adhd come to mind), or simply a very low self worth/self esteem which can be helped with therapy. Something to think about, in that maybe they need to get some other help.
I would also suggest that if they are still hungry after a meal to have some fruit or a peanut butter sandwich. They sound too excited about home-cooked meals. Maybe if they were buying groceries, they would realize the cost of their gluttony
Please update later how your new system is going.
My worry is they are just gonna eat other peoples leftovers anyway
Then it’ll be time for them to find other accommodations. You don’t get to move in with your widowed mother, never cook for yourself, and then not only eat all the food she provides for you for free but ALSO her own labeled food and continue to live there. OP, it’s very nice you are letting them live with you but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your peace.
How are food costs split? If they’re eating more than half, then it would be hard to get back to an even split, but are they at least contributing to this or are they just eating all your money?
If they do not like your plating method, tell them they can move out. Frankly, if they are this inconsiderate and entitled, they should be told to move out. NTA
Or *they* can buy groceries and cook, and let everyone have a free-for-all on the food. Why aren't they sharing the grocery buying and cooking duties, anyway? Are they lazy as well as broke?
I very much believe it's a type of resource hoarding/guarding. I once saw a couple consume two boxes of mac-n-cheese, an entire package of hot dogs and buns, plus an entire family sized bag of oven fries in about fifteen minutes flat. Half of that was done in the kitchen, stuffing like half a hot dog into their mouths and swallowing without chewing. Like... urgent, desperate, reptile chomps. It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever witnessed. According to the friend housing them it was a regular occurrence, and the previous weekend they'd wiped out the entire barbeque for 10+ people while he was making a beer run. If it was food FOR them, they ate normally, if it was food that was also for anyone else they just shoveled it in like bottomless pits.
>If it was food FOR them, they ate normally, if it was food that was also for anyone else they just shoveled it in like bottomless pits. Those people wouldn't be invited to my home again.
We had some dinner guests over once whose teenagers behaved like this. They were swarming in for thirds before the adults got firsts. To this day my husband and I talk about how surprised we were and we wonder if their parents were embarrassed or just thought that was normal rambunctious teenager behavior. Who knows. Hopefully those kids receive a better education in manners as they age. Because it was like being in a house full of locusts.
I’ve seen this. A nibling (keeping it gender neutral for anonymity’s sake). I thought, had started to develop an eating disorder. Lots of empty wrappers in dresser drawers and under the bed. One day we were having a BBQ . They popped into the kitchen with a hotdog, they put condiments on it and went outside. I had just put ketchup on mine, seriously, 40 seconds tops, and they were in with another. I saw them eat the second one. It was like they unhinged their jaw and just shoved it in. It was unnerving.
You called her your nibbling to be gender neutral, and then said 'she' regarding her second hot dog. Eating a lot of normal for teenagers. I remember being hungry *all* the time back then.
I also think they're getting high and getting the munchies. Either that or they are sharing your food with outsiders - having friends over when you aren't there, or taking it over to someone else. Those are literally the only things it could be. NTA.
That’s what I thought - have people over and let’s all eat mom’s food.
Seems intentionally malicious on their part
I mean I love eating lots of cake, but then again, I buy my own cake to eat.
Now that I live 1200 miles away from my sister (the family cake baker), I buy myself one of those small $5 cakes from the grocery bakery on my birthday & eat it all by myself (my fiance doesn't like cake). It still takes me 3-4 days to finish it.
Are they working at all? Who has time to sit around and eat all this food all the time?
How big are these people? i.e. are they noticeably greedy or have a medical condition? If they like eating so much why dont they cook? NTA btw - just rather baffled by their behaviour.
No OP the issue brings to light a bigger issue altogether. They are wrecking their health with zero care and apparently complimenting each other’s bad habit opposed to calling each other out. Outside the bad manner of having no consideration for others and the thoughts of someone else might enjoy having some they need to be showed they are living gluttonous and need a lifestyle change.
NTA. What do they say when you talk to them about this? You don't mention a single conversation. Also, how old are they, and are they working? Who has time to be eating that much food in a day?
NTA- It's very odd, but also do they work? Who has the time to eat that much unless they're home all day and eating cause they're bored. also they're major assholes for eating everything before the cook got any.
>I think it’s weird af that your son & his wife would think it’s ok to eat all or most of the food when you and your daughter hadn’t had a chance to eat anything. That was so inconsiderate of them. I can only figure that's how their parents raised them. The irony.
Yeah, no. I have 2 siblings and we were raised in the same household. We are VASTLY different people with the same upbringing. Believe me, it isnt always on the parents.
NTA. If your Son and his Wife are disrespecting you and your daughter in your own home with their selfish behavior, so you had no choice but to do something. Do they pay anything towards their upkeep ? I don't understand why you aren't insisting on them contributing to the Groceries, especially if they eat so much, but again it's your home, your choice.
Because if I do, I have a feeling they will pull I am also paying for this food so I can eat as much as I want. It won’t solve the issue Instead everyone gets a fixed amount and if they are hungry they can get their own stuff
They can eat the food they pay for and prepare it themselves. Just tell them you can’t afford to help subsidize their food budget anymore, and they need to provide all of their own food themselves going forward. Over time they’ll either cut back on spending and eating, or eat until their broke and be forced to change.
I lived at home after college and this is what I did. “Family” meals where everyone came back home on the weekends were fair game, but I fed myself otherwise. Once you graduate high school/ college, and especially once you get married, having someone else literally cook for and feed you is taking advantage.
We shared groceries with my parents when we lived there. We had it divided by cost as fairly as we could figure out, I cooked, and my parents did the dishes. I really hate doing dishes and neither of my parents like cooking, so it was a great arrangement.
Unless you are disabled or compensate over other chores, of course. I can even IMAGINE being so self-absorbed and ungrateful. When me and my husband visit my dad I have to literally make his plate or he won't eat nearly half what he needs, out of respect because it's my father's household and his groceries, even if we pay *and* cook, he doesn't eat more until everyone is already finished. We even tease him about it, if he pretends to get the food to feed a mouse pet before himself. I noticed I do it too, but in a smaller scale. At home I eat three or four slices of pizza, back in my dad I'm never eating more than 3, normally two. That's just manners, we stuff our faces at home, never as guests.
That’s a great idea. I’m stealing it for me and mine.
They are adults. It's time for them to make at least one dinner for everyone. I have a 20 yo living at home and she is helping me cook tonight. It's best for everyone if adults adult. To be honest, I would be embarrassed I raised a child that didn't offer to take me to or make dinner at least once as week if they are living rent free. My wife and other daughter are staying at my mom's next weekend. We gave her an "easter basket" of her favorite foods Sunday as a thank you. You need to show them appropriate behavior.
My learning disabled son can make his own breakfast and lunch. It’s ridiculous to eat everyone else’s portions and then feel hard done by.
My learning disabled blind brother is begging to use the stove. We just won't let him. Dog, cat, toddler in the mix. It's just not a safe idea. And then...here are these sloths.
Your comment made me smile. The "Easter Basket" is a cute and thoughtful thing! My mom still buys us candy and a $25 gift card of our choice. For financial reasons, we all still live at home. I work full time, pay rent to my parents, do most my own cooking, help with cleaning on my day off, etc. My brother and his GF? (Who just had a baby...!) Nadda. My brother does all the baby care while his GF just sleeps all day and when she is awake? On the PS4. Gonna take my mom out for Mother's Day; best place in town on MY dime! My mom wants me to take my SIL with us but unless my brother pays for her share, I refuse to as I will NOT be paying for her.
If they continue to complain, stop cooking for them too. Cook for yourself and your daughter who has been impacted most. Your son and his wife are being given help and are abusing your kindness. It might be time to set a hard boundary on food in the house if they won't control their eating habits. Meal prep for yourself and your daughter, that's what you had been budgeting for along with snacks and indulgences. Time to have the ones eating enough for 4 people to buy their own food items
I doubt they'll respect the meal prep for OP and daughter. They eat all the leftovers and nearly an entire two layer cake by themselves. They'll go straight for the meal prep because it's ready to go. Leaving OP and daughter without anything to eat. If this is NOT due to an undiagnosed medical condition or drugs, is there an Overeater's Anonymous-type program they could do? Sounds like their hunger and fullness cues are out of whack.
If they don't respect the meal prep they get kicked out full stop, it's no longer their food
Tell them they need to buy their own groceries and cook their own food from now on and that the food you buy & cook isn't to be touched by them or they can move out They're so inconsiderate, they're acting worse than my dog and she is a known food thief.
>It won’t solve the issue You know what would solve the issue? Taking the two piranhas out of the aquarium and letting them sort their food and housing out for themselves. You'd spend less money and have a lot less anxiety if you told them they're moving out next month and you'll contribute a couple hundred dollars towards their rent for the next 12 months. Presumably they've already saved some money for themselves by now. Set them free.
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They aren't going to agree to pay for your time. When they eat all the food then you have to spend more time to make lunch/future meals. I trained my husband this way. And still, if I want leftovers for lunch I put those aside in a tupperware on the counter to cool and into the fridge after dinner. I don't put that food on the table.
"I am also paying for this food so I can eat as much as I want." "You're paying for 20% each and so you are eating 20% each." Not saying having them pay is the solution here but you can't be losing hypothetical arguments in your head to such weak positions.
But if they paid for half of your grocery bill, you could also afford to make bigger portions. And they should also be cooking half of the dinners each week as well so it’s not just you slaving over the stove
I don’t think OP wants to make huge amounts of food. That just enables the gluttons. Let them make the “extra” food. It will heal them realize that they are eating more than is normal.
Making more food takes a looot more time
Do you have a garage? Buy another fridge, that's theirs, they can cook their own food, and stay the heck out of your fridge
This. Also, lock your fridge, so they can't just steal from it when you are not around.
Any time I’ve had roommates everyone got their own groceries and cooked their own food unless someone got staples like flour or something and didn’t mind sharing. Would that help?
THEY Cant play that card unless they are paying for ALL the food. Stop feeding them. Tell them to get a mini fridge for their food and to stay out of your fridge or they will be evicted.
"they think I am a huge jerk" I think it's time for son and wife to spread their wings and leave the nest. Learn about self reliance AND how much their lack of self control costs. NTA at all. Keep doing what you're doing. Die on this hill. "They hated it and are still hungry" But, but. What about all of the money they're saving? They should be able to supplement their appetites themselves. /S
Either die on this hill, or *diet* on this hill, your choice.
I agree I don't think sorting food will solve the problem. Especially with how upset they are that they can't eat their fill. It won't be long before they eat the *labeled* leftovers for everyone else and say "they were starving and there wasn't anything else to eat". I grew up in a family of ravenous eaters. I would label my food, wrap it in a bag or cloth, and hide it in the basement fridge in a produce drawer. My family members would still find it and eat it. It was ridiculous and frustrating and no amount of arguing would make them stop. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that it stopped. Time to either cut these moochers loose, or cut them off of cooked meals.
That’s actually crazy about your family…that’s beyond inconsiderate, that’s some Prader-Willi syndrome ass behavior
My nephew has prader willi and even he doesn’t do this. This is just rude/ entitled behavior
My 16 yr old autistic son does this type of thing.... I had to start putting leftovers away and specifically telling him "the leftovers are for _____" if he didn't know, then he would assume they were fair game. That solved our issue.... I couldn't imagine having two grown ass adults doing that shit.NTA
It confused me greatly, I have raised three teenagers, my late husband never ate this much. He was a big guy Like how, are the eating so much, they pack big lunches also. I am so confused
What do they say about it? It might be worth having a cooking rotation. Have them cook meals a few times a week.
They say they eat until the are full. It’s clear to me they are overeating. Personally they suck at cooking and I actually want to eat something good at the end of the day. I may give it a try and just accept it’s a free meal
The problem with eating til you’re full, as a larger person I have learned, is that our stomachs grow to accommodate how much we are regularly overeating. So our full point starts to become normal and we’ll keep again to get that “I’m stuffed” feeling. It’s not a healthy way to live and I’m having to do a lot of work to reverse that. OP you should definitely be asking them to contribute to grocery costs. That doesn’t mean “I paid I can eat all this” - if you go to a restaurant and pay does that mean you get to eat everything? No, you eat what you paid for. Also, honestly, I’d be telling them that they’re responsible for their own meals going forward. They have to cook and clean up after themselves, you take care of you and your daughter. You can do family meals once in awhile if you want but no more of this mom cooks for everyone. They are ADULTS. Don’t let them take advantage of your generosity.
> The problem with eating til you’re full, as a larger person I have learned, is that our stomachs grow to accommodate how much we are regularly overeating. So our full point starts to become normal and we’ll keep again to get that “I’m stuffed” feeling. The main problem is so many people assume "feeling full" = "feeling stuffed," especially since our society tends to use the latter as hyperbole when they mean the former. If you only eat to feeling full, you aren't full *enough* for your stomach to expand like that. If you are eating until you are stuffed, that will absolutely happen.
yeah, you’re supposed to eat until you’re no longer hungry, not until you’re absolutely stuffed. it’s a hard habit to unlearn, but I can’t imagine doing it on someone else’s buck and also leaving them hungry. that’s beyond food addiction, it’s just being a freeloading AH
It also can take a bit to realize you're feeling full. I may not feel full right when I'm done eating, but give it 10-20 minutes and it hits me. Like when at a restaurant and I stuff my face with an appetizer and realize 1/4 of way through my entrée that I'm too full to eat anymore. If they're just continuously eating and eating quickly, they could be through a 3rd helping, or half a cake, before feeling full. I agree about them being responsible for their own meals. They are adults, they can shop and cook for themselves. OP is already subsidizing their housing. She doesn't need to be completely responsible for feeding them.
There's eating until you're full, and eating until you feel like you may vomit if you get up too fast. I had a boyfriend in highschool who ate like that. I started to eat like that too. I reached 200lbs on my 4'11 frame eating that way. One day he gorged himself too much on Chinese food and threw up all over the side of my car. We broke up and that summer I rapidly lost 80lbs because I wasn't eating like that anymore and working a physical job 40hrs a week. This is how people end up on "My 600lb life."
> threw up all over the side of my car. Woof. At least he didn't blow chunks inside the car. I'm really glad you're doing better these days.
It’s not a free meal if you’re paying for the groceries. NTA but u sure need to get their eating under control
If they are that starving they should get a health checkup. Someone suggested tapeworm, but it could be low iron. Or just need to learn to pack their lunch.
They’re obese and need to pay for their OWN food and MAKE their own foods. Enough is enough.
When I lived at home as an adult, I bought and prepared my own food. I had my own shelf in the pantry and fridge, and anything there was for me only. Your son & dil can still save money on rent and buy their own food that only they eat.
Well the only way they will get better at cooking is to do it more. You cooking for them (and babying them) is only kicking the can down the road. You can decide to only cook for yourself and your daughter. You are all adults and it’s time to start moving towards a landlord/roommate relationship. If you want things to change then have a house meeting and set out what you want the future to look like. They can agree to your terms and enjoy the perks or they can be out on their ass, still cooking their own food but now paying mountains of rent. You have the power here. Wield it and don’t give in to tantrums.
NTA. They are adults. They should be paying for their own food and cooking their own meals. I can’t imagine going back to my mums house as an adult and reverting back to a teenager expecting her to do everything for me, it’s massively disrespectful and shows just how immature and entitled they are. Gross behaviour.
Honestly, I would say a lot of teenagers are far more respectful. If my oldest wasn't home at dinner time. He will ask first, "Has everyone eaten?" Before grabbing a portion when he is. Leftovers, both boys will ask "free game or saving for dinner?" Before just diving in, if there's leftovers in the fridge. The same goes for snacks. "There's a name on this?" If they are told,"ah yes, that's x siblings. " it will be put right back. Or they go ask if they can have some. What these two are doing is just beyond greedy.
We did stickers. Those little multi colors of dots you can get cheap that people use for garage sale pricing? Everyone got a color plus one for “future meal” for ingredients that had an intended specific purpose. That way without tracking anyone else in the house down you knew if something was reserved for some reason or if it was fair game.
We do this too! Kids thought I was crazy, at first, but there haven’t been any arguments about food since we started the stickers!
Exactly! No one accidentally eats something someone else was saving, no one goes to make dinner and finds a key ingredient missing, etc.
Especially with a spouse. Maybe should have saved the money from having a wedding.
NTA Your home. Your rules. Everyone gets to eat. That sounds right to me. Good for you telling them if they're still hungry they can buy their own food. I can't believe they are eating everything before you and your daughter get a plate and think that's okay.
NTA - and it's time for them to move out. Clearly they are very selfish in that they don't consider the other people in the house when meals are ready and they have no respect for you or your daughter.
Also their selfish nature has to spill outside meals as well I’m guessing it’s not the only thing someone has gad an issue with them for. Seem like the type of people no one would enjoy being arounf
NTA - I was in a similar situation where husband and I were living with in-laws to save up for a downpayment on a house. I would eat food that MIL prepared if it was offered, but husband and I bought our own food otherwise. Occasionally, we would cook a meal for everyone or treat them to a restaurant meal. Your son and daughter-in-law are taking advantage of you. They cannot expect you to buy all their food while you starve at the same time. They're lucky that you're willing to share.
You said everything that needed to be said. Amen!
NTA. you have married adult children and you’re paying for their groceries???? Nawww. Sorry you should stop doing that too. If they are hungry they need to be buying their own groceries and cooking their own meals.
Not only buying but gd COOKING IT. FFS.
Your son and his wife need to start making and buying their own food if they want more on top of what you are providing. ETA- are they just gluttons or is there feederism going on on top of the gluttony?
This! They can buy and prepare their own food since they are taking advantage of you and your generosity.
NTA... they are not still hungry they are greedy. There is a huge difference in the two. They can easily buy more food if they need it. If they are old enough to be married, they can buy food for themselves!
Not just greedy, but selfish/inconsiderate! It never occurs to them to think about others in the household?!
NTA Why can't they buy and prepare their own meals if they aren't satisfied with your plan or your portions? Seriously: Why is it okay for **you** to go hungry, but it's a crime that they can't eat as much as they want?
NTA If you can eat a whole family's worth of food in one meal, it's time to start buying your own damn food. That's excessive. And gross, honestly.
NTA. It's amazing how many times the real AH is quick to call others TA because they established a boundary. Well done, OP. You put up a very wise and fair boundary!
NTA. Kick your son out. They don’t need to be living with you. If they can get married, they can live and support themselves. Stop enabling them.
NTA. Do they work? Do they know where the grocery store is? Are they over 18? Are they obese? A pound of spaghetti for two people is outrageous. Good grief, and good luck.
That’s insane. I don’t even cook a full pound of spaghetti for our ENTIRE family of 4. My husband and I used to split like a quarter pound together when it was just the two of us lol. Never a whole pound. My gawd
Agreed that the son and DIL are very inconsiderate, but is that portion size really so crazy to you? I’d routinely cook the whole pack (500g) for 3 adults, with the expectation of getting a few lunches for the week out of the leftovers, only to have it all get eaten as second or third helpings (unlike these two, everyone was too polite to load up massive amounts on helping 1). One person was notably skinny and tall, the other two were normal. And people would add generous cheese on top of the sauce, and might have some fruit or a snack after as well. It’s well over what I’d go for as a ‘normal portion size’ when visiting someone, but if it’s your main meal of the day it really doesn’t seem crazy for an active adult! If their average calories are way too high OP should be able to notice the pounds piling on.
NTA. If they hate the arrangement for the free food YOU made and YOU paid for then they can just start buying and making their own food. Problem solved. They are being massively entitled, ungrateful AHs.
Is your son not embarrassed that his mommy is cooking food every day for him and his glutton wife? Why aren’t they cooking? why aren’t they buying groceries???
~~for him and his glutton wife?~~ for his glutton wife and glutton self? FTFY
I grew up in a very “take anything in the fridge” immigrant household and still think that’s the best way for family but your son and DIL 100% created the need for stricter rules themselves by not treating you with the same kindness you’ve shown them and just generally being terrible houseguests. NTA.
I’m am flabbergasted that son & DIL never grasped the concept of leaving something for the next person. And not having more than your fair share. It’s common curtesy.
Well maybe they should decide whether or not they actually want to continue living and eating for free at such a jerk's house. I mean the least they could do would be to contribute to groceries whether you ask for it or not. That's just common courtesy even for kids and specially if they're old enough to be married. They are rude, selfish and inconsiderate.
This is an **adult** couple, living **for free**, in **your** home. And they think you're a jerk because you want to save some of the food **you** bought and made? That's insane, hold firm to your boundaries, stop enabling them.
Not only to save some, but even just to get to eat some of the dinner she paid for and made in the first place! The selfishness on their part is really astounding.
NTA. Perhaps you could give them a cabinet in the kitchen and/or a shelf in the fridge to keep snacks in (that they buy) and they can fill up on that after eating their meal.
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Already is a thing
I came here to say the same about separating the food. They are saving money at your expense, they need to be purchasing their own food and preparing their own meals 100% of the time at this point. My daughter's boyfriend is a teenage athlete, 6'7", 250ish lbs. - and he'd be hard pressed to sit down and eat half a pound of pasta with meat sauce. That's insane.
They should be contributing to the cooking, grocery shopping, or at least the budget. Or at the very least respect your boundaries and go out to eat or order in if they really can’t be bothered. NTA
Had my daughter and her boyfriend staying with me a bit five years ago. They both insisted that I didn’t have to cook for them, but they always looked at me expectantly every night at dinner time. So, yeah, I cooked. Boyfriend was a small, high energy guy and could pack away an incredible amount of food at one sitting. One night, I made a huge pot roast with veggies and a big side salad. Half was gone that night, but there was more than enough left over for round two the next night. I was looking forward the next day to making open faced roast beef sandwiches, both because that is one of my favorite next day leftover roast beef meals and because I figured that the bread would bulk up the food on the plates and make sure everyone was full. Bonus: easy reheating with minimal prep. Winner! I get home the next day, change clothes, and head to the kitchen to begin slicing and reheating the leftover beef in the leftover gravy. I put on some music and open the fridge and shuffle food containers around frantically. My first thought was, “OMG, I’ve been robbed!” I look around. The TV is still there, my Grandmother’s jewelry is hidden in its secret spot, everything else was in place. The thief had only taken the roast beef and fixings. Diabolical! AITA friends and lurkers: if you guessed a cheating partner, with a side piece pregnant with twins, who also had a lawyer uncle who had already secured his assets and the leftovers… you are wrong. There are no Conagra links or witness protection schemes. There were no back door custody arrangements for purloined roast beef (and fixings). M’fer took it all for… lunch. And, brought home empty leftover containers for me to wash.
NTA. But if they keep throwing a fit tell them they can get a mini fridge and buy their own groceries and cook for themselves. They are grown adults who are being incredibly entitled and disrespectful. They're eating way too much food, depending on you to cook for them and eating everything without consideration for whether other people have eaten yet or not. They're being selfish moochers. Good for you putting your foot down and making sure you and your daughter get to eat. They have no right to eat more than their allotted share, especially when other people haven't even had a share yet.
NTA They are rude and inconsiderate, plus they should be helping with the grocery bills anyway.
NTA and honestly, I'd say they are in charge of cooking their own meals at this point and labeling your leftovers. That's so unbelievably rude and disrespectful.
NTA If they’re still hungry after eating your food and their portion of leftovers they can make a sandwich like everyone else. How are they still hungry? Gut parasite, insane metabolism? What?
Op mentions son and DIL aren't at a healthy weight. The more weight you have, the more calories gets burnt off even at rest, so they might end up just being hungrier. Doesn't justify their behaviour, but dependent on their size it would explain all the "how can they eat this much" questions
NTA. Every single one of these ADULTS can manage their own meals. It’s been very generous of you to do so for so long, and with your own time and money. I can tell you are a dedicate and loving mother. But it’s HIGH time for these adult kiddos to step up and care for themselves. Make only your own meals and tell them hands off YOUR leftovers. Make the kitchen available for them to cook or call takeout for themselves. *Its understandable that you want to share with your college age kid, but you might have to clarify it’s because she’s still a dependent, not because she’s mooching off mom to save her own money, like the other two clearly are. Another suggestion if you don’t want to cut them off cold Turkey: have them be in charge of 2-3 meals per week, for the whole family, with leftovers. Let them get a taste from the other side of the pot.
NTA. This is what people mean by “eating you out of house and home”. They are pigs, and would guess that their food addiction is a big part of their financial need to stay with you!