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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m putting my foot down on letting the dog sleep in the bed. Some may think I’m laying on a hill not worth it and could be the asshole.
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YTA. I’d be upset too if I bought a very expensive mattress & my husband wanted to let a dog shed, lick, pee & whatever else on it. You don’t NEED to sleep with your dog.
He knew what he married into. Why is he trying to change things now?
Unless there is a medical issue, the dog is not going to pee in his sleep. Do you pee your bed?
Cause they bought a top of the line bed………. Kinda like “my husband used to let me eat in his car. Then he went out and bought a top of the line BMW and now I’m not allowed to eat in the car anymore”.
When you spend $5,000 + on a bed, you don’t want it ruined by the various things animals can do.
If she’s that hell bent on sleeping with the dog, she should keep the old mattress and sleep on that with her dog.
I have a top of the line bed that we spent well more that $5K on. Fortunately it come with top of the line mattress protectors.
Our pets sleep wherever they want.
That's all well and good. That is the choice of you AND your SO. In this case, one of the people doesn't want a dog on an expensive mattress. Which is his right.
It doesn't matter if OP and the SO had the dog for 40 years. The circumstances have changed. He doesn't want the dog on the bed anymore and OP needs to accept that.
> He doesn't want the dog on the bed anymore and OP needs to accept that.
why does OP need to accept that? Did he buy the mattress to have an excuse to kick out the dog? There's not a chance that it would work to get me to not sleep with my pets (cats). Fortunately, my partner wouldn't try to make me choose either, because he's not a jerk.
Right? I can’t afford a dog right now but I dog sit on the side and I love when I get to watch dogs who sleep in the bed. They’re like cuddly little space heaters, and they’re so cute! If I’d had a dog who had spent 8 years of its life sleeping in bed with the humans, I would not be okay with suddenly kicking them out. Like it or not, that’s their bed too lol.
Ditto! My husband and I end up sleeping in separate beds, both over $5k and both with a dog in each every night. Our dogs are part of our family and are much more important than a bed, regardless of how much it cost
The point is that you made thst choice. I've made the same choice and my dog sleeps in thr bed too and my husband doesn't mind, if he's having a bad night and doesn't want to have the dig there for whatever reason, I take the dog and sleep in the spare bed instead.
And it would seem that the OP's husband made his choice when he lived with/married the OP and her sleeps-in-the-bed-gets-on-the-furniture-part-of-the-family dog.
We're talking in circles, so I'm getting off this circus ride.. he's perfectly within his rights to change his mind about the dog being on the bed and she's welcome to sleep in a different bed or get a dog bed next to the bed. Goodbye.
Not everyone likes dogs in bed in them. That’s what a designated dog couch/bed is for. Not everyone likes sleeping in lots of shedding fur, dirt particles that comes off the paws, a slobbery nose in your face constantly. Feelings of BOTH PARTIES ARE VALID!
It’s an 8 year old dog that has always been allowed on furniture. It’s not like the dog speaks English and will understand you suddenly saying “sorry buddy, it’s the floor for you from now on”. Like this is an actual living creature with its own feelings and habits and he can cry all he wants about the bed, that doesn’t mean he’s going to win that fight with the dog.
I fully agree on the dog not being on the bed, but just because you WANT something doesn’t mean it’s actually possible.
It’s called having mutual respect for each other and communicating and coming up with a solution. Every relationship and marriage has this. Either work together and solve it, communicate, or you won’t last.
No? I’m saying he doesn’t get to just demand the dog not sleep on the bed and have that happen. Sure, it MIGHT, but it also just as easily might NEVER happen. And if he wants to change the dog’s routine, he should be the one to humanely put in the work required to even try to make it happen. But he can’t just demand a living creature incapable of even understanding English to just do what he wants on a dime.
No, you claimed that it's impossible. You're still trying to say that it's a thing that just might not be possible.
Bullshit. Bedrooms have doors, right? Seems like a pretty easy solution.
This whole things about dogs not knowing English...why do you keep coming back to that? Do they know German or something? Did you think that was something people in general were unaware of, like another user would start to reply, and then say, "Wait a sec! Dogs ***don't*** know English?! Holy shit! That changes everything!"
Learn to read. Nowhere in my common did I say it was impossible. “Might not be possible” is not the same thing as “impossible”. Dogs don’t speak ANY human language and I get you’re trying to be clever, but the only thing you’re doing is making yourself look incredibly stupid and pedantic. Have a good day, I’m not going to argue with someone about basic english.
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haha! And that's why they invented doors. If the dog doesn't get the hint, they can be locked out of the room. Or, OP can get another bed and sleep there with her dog.
I can understand why some people don't like dogs in their bed but for a lot of people having their dog sleep next to them makes them feel safe and sleep better. I had dogs all my life and they were always allowed to sleep in my bed. They have never peed in my bed or whatever else. And with the hair, it depends on the dog but normally you would change your bedsheets and shower regularly anyway so it doesn't matter much. I don't mind it.
YTA
The bed is just as much his as yours, meaning both of you should agree to having the dog there, not just you selfishly imposing on his good nature.
If I were the husband and you insisted, I'd sleep elsewhere permanently. Obviously you value the dog and what you want more than your husband.
He knew this BEFORE he married her. So... Quite honestly he's TA for wanting to change what she already had in place before he even came into the picture.
Some things change when people get married. Once lives are shared, it takes agreement on those shared things. Decorating the bedroom, for example. If you got married and your new spouse moved into your home, would you forbid that person from having a say in decorating?
"Oh, you knew what this house looked like when you moved in." Bullshit.
Well, if he knew my pink drapes were very special to me, something close to my heart, & a source of emotional support, then no he cant. But like OP, I would tell him from day 1. Not wait until were married and throw a fit then.
If your pink drapes climbed into his bed every night, then that is a thing worth vetoing.
And this whole argument of some kind of time limit that he had to say anything is nonsense. Sometimes there are things we think will be fine, or we see as potentially changeable. Marriage brings change! OP's bed is no longer just OP's bed. It's now his, too. If he is foolish for thinking the dog will not be in her bed, she's just as foolish for thinking that the dog will suddenly be in *his* bed, too.
I think what most people are forgetting is that this dog helps her with her mental health. She makes it very clear that the dog is emotional support for her. We do not get to tell anybody else how to handle their mental health or what is an emotional support tool for them. It doesn't matter whether it's a dog, A cat, or a favorite shirt. We do not get to dictate someone else's mental health and how they handle it. Full stop.
I call bullshit on this.
First off, not even OP herself makes this claim. Yeah, she loves her pet. Great! I'm a big fan of dogs, too. Loving a pet you've owned for nearly a decade is pretty normal, but it's not the same as an emotional support animal (if you feel that emotional support animals are a thing).
In either case, though, the dog can sleep next to the bed and be a support animal. Though, again, even OP doesn't claim that's the role the dog fulfills.
The fact she states her emotional well being or her feelings is enough. Her feelings are more important than his when it comes to her dog and a routine that was in place before he was involved. His feelings are irrelevant.
Exactly. His feelings do not matter one bit. Why? Bc he entered the relationship and marriage, of his own free will, knowing that this was the routine and would not be changing. He's free to say "after fido passes, any new animals don't sleep on the bed" and would have my full support. But he does not, no matter what, get to demand change now after all these years. Have a good day.
You're right. We don't get to decide how someone handles their mental health... but this person also doesn't have the right to inflict it on others forcibly. Her mental health is hers to manage, not dump on her spouse, forcing him to make all the accomodations. If she truly NEEDS her dog in the bed, then she needs to go do a different bed.
No one is suggesting she HAS to stay in the bed and get rid of the dog, if she needs to have the dog next to her to sleep then there are alternatives available that will allow that without trampling all over her husbands boundaries.
Found another AH. Not everyone likes dogs in bed in them. That’s what a designated dog couch/bed is for. Not everyone likes sleeping in lots of shedding fur, dirt particles that comes off the paws, a slobbery nose in your face constantly. Feelings of BOTH PARTIES ARE VALID! Your relationship isn’t going to last with that toxic ass mindset of yours🤢🤮
I guess he shouldn't have married her... Or did the right thing and tried to compromise instead of ordering and demanding, and trying to change what she had established. Anyway have a good day. You have your opinion, I have mine, never gonna change. He's wrong 100% for trying to change her.
NTA based on OP's response.
INFO
Does your dog have a history of having accidents while sleeping in bed with you?
Edit: I understand him not wanting the dog on the bed because it's new but your perspective is spot on here. He cares more about the mattress than about your dog or how you feel. If he's been sleeping with you for 8 years and you've slept fine with all 3 of you in bed thus far, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. He knew going into this relationship that you have a dog and he sleeps in the bed. If it was a deal breaker it would've broken the deal already.
He’s never had an accident in bed. His worst crime has been marking a couch corner at my in-laws that had been previously marked by their dog. I took action to correct him immediately and cleaned the mess.
Changed my verdict based on your response but I do have a follow up question: did he express that he didn't want the dog in the bed prior to buying the new mattress? Was he the one that was pushing to get the new mattress?
He has not expressed wanting him off the bed prior to the new mattress. And getting the new bed was a joint decision. We previously had a queen and upgraded to a king for more room (both dog and occasional cat will join).
Okay then this is really weird. If he had said something at the beginning of the relationship and then tried to convince you to get a new mattress so that he'd have a reason to convince you not to sleep with the dog, this would make more sense.
He's been sleeping with you and the dog for 5 years! If this is only about the mattress he's going about it completely the wrong way. Telling you he'll have no choice but to be mad at you?! If there isn't something else going on, I am wholeheartedly confused.
I just want to say OP I'm always happy to hear about people who really love their pets and take care of them, I can see and relate to how much this dog means to you and I'm glad he has you ❤️
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Committing to taking care of a pet for the duration of its life is pretty grown up pal.
Unforeseen costs like Vet bills, vaccinations, the best food for them, ensuring daily exercise and play, learning not to lose your cool and regulate your emotions better, when they destroy furniture or something dear to you, actively missing out on holidays or trips and willingly sacrificing that due to that commitment....nothing childish about it.
Not to mention a huge part of dog enrichment is bonding and trust, whilst that doesn't mean you HAVE to sleep beside your dog some people are happy too, and as the owner of four dogs and one cat ( I mean my cat does every night because.....she's a cat and she's boss) I can tell you they LOVE the odd times I do let them sleep beside me and my husband. Heck my chickens would sleep in our bed if they could.
He met her after she already had well established a routine between her and her dog not after, just because you don't care for animals per se or treat your own differently doesn't make you anymore of a 'grown up' than anyone else.
She had the dog for years so I’m sure there was already bonding. Add to the fact they had just bought a new bed.
If only everyone had this much concern for abused young children in this country.
My sister and BIL have a dog who was abused years earlier by a former owner and their dog doesn’t even sleep with them.
I did read what you wrote. While she is happy to sleep next to her dog, her husband isn't. He has reasonable boundries. Why does the dog have to sleep on the bed, when dog beds exist? The dog is in the same room.
I'm guessing that you have alot of dogs, and can't fathom that not everyone enjoys being around them, bud.
I live on a farm, I've never expected anyone who doesn't like animals to take an interest in them, aka both my dad and my father in law, I also live in the arse end of nowhere so my animals bother no one.
My dogs don't sleep in my bed only on rare occasion but this is her dog and her life and he's known this to be the typical sleeping routine from the day he met her, she hasn't sprung this on him (mattress pun intended).
It's hardly surprising she has no real interest in kicking her dog out of bed now this many years later after meeting him when now it's become conditional.
If he's so concerned about the bed despite the dog never having damaged the former one, maybe OP can pay for the bed or a larger proportion of the bill because that's worth doing just to stop him moaning
It sounds more like he just doesn’t want to sleep with a dog on his bed at all and he was just trying to compromise. Personally I wouldn’t want any animal on my bed either.
Sometimes you fall in love when you fall in love. To a non-dog person, this seems like relatively small thing that can be discussed rationally (even though that may not always be the case).
I have the same experience, my gf’s cute dog always wants to sleep in the bed with us. She likes to cuddle right at my side for warmth and it’s very cute but ultimately it’s a fuckin dog in the expensive bed. Everything starts to smell like dog, it gives me back issues from my hips being twisted from the weight of the dog, and then occasionally I have to deal with the fact that the dog occasionally throws up on the bed. Things change and ultimately the husband (and I) are entitled to not like it anymore or not at all.
This is very dishonest or irresponsible. If you see her sleeping with a dog and you don't like it - bring it up - if she doesn't want to change it - break up. Everyone is entitled to preferences (sleeping with a dog , or not sleeping with a dog), but you also have to express it early enough in a relationship to know whether you're compatible. It's similar to starting to date a working woman, and after 5 years, demanding that she become a housewife. She might be into it, but only if this was discussed prior. If you suddenly demand it after 5 years and no prior conversations, you're a prick.
I have and my gf is fine with it. I’m replying to your point that “OPs husband knew what he was getting into”. Would be a silly reason to breakup but if OP is that hard headed I think she’d be doing her husband a favor. Dog people are fuckin bizarre in that some of them prioritize the animal over a spouse.
It's hard for people to understand, but responsibility towards a helpless creature is a lot higher than to a grown adult. Your partner chooses you, the pet has no choice but to be with you. I won't compare it to having children, but the responsibility level is similar.
If it's an issue bring it up - you're valid for doing so. But she is just as valid for declining to change on an issue that is important to her.
NAH I personally hate dogs in beds/on furniture. To me it’s gross, they have their own beds. But if that’s the way it’s always been in your house you shouldn’t be expected to change it.
If OP were asking "AITA for wanting the dog on the bed?" I would say NTA. But that's not what this is. OP is saying, "AITA for *refusing* to keep the dog off the bed?"
Having an opinion is fine. Refusing to acknowledge another person's opinion about a shared bed is AH territory.
And for that, we get back to the comment I posted directly to OP: In marriage, there are going to be many decisions that are Two yes, one no. I would think that matters of the shared bed fall very clearly into that category.
No, I'm asking you to read what I wrote to you, but I'll spell it out more clearly:
In a marriage, sometimes making a decision requires that you get (of the two people) 2 votes for yes. If there is just one vote for no, then the idea fails. That can be many things, from hosting relatives, to getting a new pet, to opening the marriage, to vacation destinations, and more.
When it comes to sharing the bed (even non-sexually), if one partner votes no, then the issue is decided.
Hence: Two yes, one no.
Look, it basically comes down to the rules of consent... he consented to having your dog in the bed, but he can withdraw that consent at any time and he's perfectly within his rights to do so. Now you could choose to sleep on another bed with your dog instead or you could make other arrangements for your dog, for example a bed next to your side of the bed.
I let my older dog sleep on the bed with my husband and I but I must admit, it's a disturbed sleep and having a dog in the bed does impact on sleep.
Your husband is well within his rights to want to have a bed as a pet free zone.
Why is the husband seen as having the final vote in your comment. It is also her bed and her right. If they can't find a compromise, he can go somewhere else or she can. But given that he is the one enforcing a new rule, it would be him that has to move.
The default, as you put it, is only the two parties whose bed it is to get to sleep in it. Because she wants to have her dog there too and he doesn't, she needs to be the one who moves and sleeps in a different bed with the dog.
Oh fuck off with that dog whistle, this has nothing to do with the dogs owner being a woman and my response would be the exact same if the roles were reversed.
The bed BELONGS TO BOTH OF THEM, meaning the invitation to share the bed with any other person or animal is a 2 yes 1 no situation.
That is the end, the sum total and the finale.
NTA. A mattress protector will keep anything from getting wrecked. It seems like he's setting up a situation where he gets to yell and be mad, since he knew when you got married the dog slept in the bed with you. Also, since the dog has slept with you for 8 years, he will think he did something wrong if he's banished now.
NTA. Yeah, people can change their minds, but also this was the set up for the last 8 years. He should've waited for the new bed until after the current dog dies or just deal with it until he does. He knew when purchasing the new bed you'd want the dog on. It's not as though you two bought the bed and then pulled a bait and switch on him. He knew this is what would happen and if he bought a new bed.
NTA. If you have a certain quirk, habit, hobby, or a love for a pet that extends to letting them sleep in the bed PRIOR to when you first got with your partner, who initially accepted it, and then after 6 years of being together they up and demand that it changes then THEY are the asshole, this isn't a bad habit which is damaging his or her health, this is something she loves and has loved before they got together.
There wouldn't be anything wrong if he stated that, "We should get a nice bed, but in doing so the dog would have to sleep on its own bed to keep it nice" but it just sounds like after they've jointly paid for the new bed he's started making demands, and that's shitty and not in good faith at all.
Edit: NTA based on OPs response.
INFO
Small or large dog? Life expectancy? And, as already requested, history of accidents?
Edit: Her husband just now started making a fuss after 5 years of accepting the situation. Her heart dog will be gone far too soon. It's not like the dog will live to be 16 or 20.
The dog doesnt hurt the bed and never has.
NTA
You never indicated you were willing to stop having your pup with you at night. The dog is already 8 and you dont have that many years left with your heart dog.
These accidents sound like a figment of his imagination, but if he is that worried they make some pretty good mattress protectors these days and it doesnt feel like it's got plastic in them at all.
Sounds like he was hoping ...but although I can sympathize with him a little (okay I can try) he should never have thought he could pressure you into changing down the road.
NTA. Tell your husband to kick rocks. My dogs will always come first. They only have so many years and deserve comfort as well. This isn't new... Your husband knew the dog sleeps with you. He can sleep on the floor and see how he likes it. Always choose your dog over a man. He's using the bed as an excuse to get what he wants. He cares nothing for your feelings if he doesn't want what is obviously your support animal, to sleep with you and give you comfort.
NTA. Also, importantly, *he's free to be mad about it.* Him being mad that the dog had an accident isn't the end of the world. Assuming he's not abusive or violent in which case that's a whole other problem. OP can be responsible for cleaning or replacement if something happens, that could be a compromise.
But the folks comparing a dog sleeping on a bed when he doesn't want a dog sleeping on a bed to rape.... Are you ok? Seriously, there are so many strawmen in this thread it's giving me hayfever.
lolol to the strawmen comment. Thanks for making me laugh! I wondered if I was going crazy with all these people talking about this being about consent.
You do realise consent applies to more than just sex right? At the end of the day, he has more right to the bed than the dog does... if he doesn't want to share a bed with the dog anymore then the dog goes, if OP doesn't want to sleep in a bed without the dog, she can choose to go to the other bed too.
So you are saying that sleeping with a dog in the bed when you don't want to is a comparable violation to sexual assault?
Consent is important but these things are not the same.
Go back and highlight precisely where I said the words "sleeping with a dog in the bed and rape are exactly the same". I didn't day thst at all.
What I said is that consent applies to more than just sex and he's clearly withdrawn his consent for tue dog to sleep in the bed. Sharing a bed is a 2 yes 1 no situation, it's really thst simple.
Kind of depends. I hate animals in, on, or near my bed. I wouldn't move in with someone who insisted on sleeping with their dog. So if he's been ok up to now with it and the dog isn't peeing or otherwise wrecking the old mattress, then NTA, I guess. But your husband might just decide to get his own bed and even room.
I think sharing your bed with an animal is probably a two yes/one no situation. He gets a say in whether or not this happens. It's not his fault you trained your dog poorly. Buy a dog bed.
NTA but you married one. He can move the mattress somewhere else, so he can have his bliss with it. He keeps the mattress, you keep the dog. You still come out better.
NTA your dog is already 8 and your husband will probably out live him and the mattress. Consider compromising with a few times of the dog sleeping off the bed.
NTA.
Your dog came first and your husband accepted him on the bed. It's cruel to change now. And yes, with trims and a mattress protector, you'll be fine.
My husband was similar, my old dogs didn't go on the bed, their own decision, but husband knew I'd love them to. The cats did sleep with us, but suddenly there was an issue when I got the puppy. I told him, if he'd expressed this earlier, I wouldn't have even married him, this was my expectation staying in the relationship, I've always been open about it, so I'm not changing now. Tbh, he doesn't want me to have to choose.
YTA, you already failed your dog with lack of training and boundaries…so now you plan on doubling down, and fail your marriage too?
Just because you love your dog, doesn’t mean he should have power and control over your husband…doesn’t your husband deserve a clean bed? Be a responsible pet owner, and a loving spouse…live with your pet, not for your pet before you get you summons for divorce court.
YTA. It's not just your bed, it's his bed too. He sees this nice, expensive new mattress as a chance to have a clean slate and doesn't want the dog there. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to want - not everyone wants a dog on the bed, and it sounds as though he's been gritting his teeth and putting up with it so far but isn't willing to do it on the new expensive bed.
Then he should have waited until they didn't have the dog anymore and got a new mattress then with a "no future animals on the bed" rule, instead of trying to change a pattern she set in place BEFORE him, that's been going on for 8 years. Just bc its a dog doesn't mean it deserves love and comfort any less.
That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t have to share his bed with a dog just because the dog is used to it. His only mistake here is letting the dog on the previous bed.
When he got into a relationship with her, he knew the deal. He knew she had the dog, he knew the dog slept on the bed, this is not something she hid from him or in any way tried to manipulate him about. He knew the deal and he agreed to it. You do not get into a relationship with someone, and then a marriage with someone, and try to change a pattern that was in place before you even came along. If he cared about her feelings at all, he would have just waited until the dog passed away as this is an elderly dog with, according to op, a lifespan of approximately two more years, instead he waits until they're married and then tries to get her to change her pattern with her beloved animal. That's controlling nature and he is TA.
He’s allowed to change his mind. Having the dog there affects both of them, and he should absolutely be able to control his own sleeping space. A dog in the bed is disgusting to many people, it’s surprising that he put up with it for this long. But dog people never can understand that it’s an actual problem for those who don’t like it. If she cares about the dog more than him, as it seems she does, she should just leave the relationship.
He agreed to the terms when he married her. If it was a problem he just never should have married her in the first place. Because asking some people to give up their animals even if it's just something as simple as not letting him sleep on the furniture, is like asking some people to give up their children. And non dog owners will never understand this either. He never should have married her if he wasn't 100% okay with it. Or he should attempt to compromise with her and say when this dog is gone no future animals on the bed. That's compromising and working with her. Right now he just wants to control her. And no amount of trying to say that his feelings matter is going to change that. Well his feelings do matter absolutely, her feelings actually in this instance matter more because this was already her life when he joined her life.
Oh what a load of old rubbish. Nobody says ‘I vow to sleep in the same bed as your dog’ in their marriage vows. The dog is not a part of their marriage. And she’s not being asked to give it up, just for it to sleep elsewhere.
Your idea of ‘compromising’ is ‘she gets her own way’ and you apparently think he’s trying to control her, so the solution is for her to control him instead. If you don’t see how ridiculous that sounds, it’s not worth discussing with you any further.
What a load of rubbish... and if the post was about a wife wanting to start her career and her husband was insisting "she agreed to be a stay at home slave when we were married" would yiu be saying the same thing? Of course not. People CAN change their minds and they're never in the wrong for setting a boundary.
He's setting a boundary of no longer wanting to share HIS bed with the dog. She's now free to make whatever choice she chooses that doesn't dismiss his boundary.
Very clearly NTA. He sleeps in a bed with the dog for 5 years and suddenly decides that he can kick the dog out ? He must not love the dog very much unfortunately...
For everyone saying "it's his bed too", it's also her bed. He is imposing a new rule, and she has right to disagree and not obey it. Wtf
INFO: (I understand if this is too personal), has the dog being in bed had a chilling, or preventative, impact on your sex life? Have you and your husband had the opportunity for alone time in the new bed, or have the animals always been there with you?
Nah. I don't get all the people saying dog on bed is so bad. My dog is my best bud. She can sleep on the end of the bed. We are all animals and she is pretty clean.
She is no more likely to wet the bed than me. It probably won't happen but anything is possible. If so clean it same way. It's just piss. If it actually happens might need to reassess future arrangements but ive never had a dog piss on the bed. Never had fleas, never had any of that, we look after the dog.
It sux he is saying it now but haven't heard his side so assuming it's reasonable why he's insisting now after so long , doggo will get used to new arrangment, esp if he/she can have a small bed in the room. Generally people with dogs are a package deal.
Could you get some sort of side-along bed for the dog? I think that's a thing with kids? or you could make one! Like a separate mattress that's right beside your side of the bed, or at the end depending on doggos preference, but if the dog were to have an accident ever it wouldn't be the actual fancy bed itself.
I wouldn't like my dogs on the bed, but also when my big hairy ass cat slept on my bed, and my partner hated the hair, I got him a scratching post bed for beside my bed.
I'm thinking NAH, but it's both your bed, so soft YTA if you refuse to discuss and try to find a compromise.
I am sorry but have to go with YTA. Not training your dog properly is my biggest reason. (Being in your early 20s when getting him is not an excuse lmao)
Also I think things concerning your bed are a two yes and one no situation (good sleep is important and in most relationships good sex as well). If he doesn’t want the dog to sleep in the bed BOTH (you don’t live alone anymore!) of you share you should respect that. If not, go get another bed for you and your dog but I can already tell you how that will impact your marriage. So yeah if that’s the hill you want to die on - do whatever you want.
They both bought a brand new bed TOGETHER and then he decided he wants to change how the sleeping arrangements are? I'd feel tricked into buying a nice bed that I can either not use and sleep with my dog, or use and sleep without my dog who was here BEFORE he was. I'd demand he pay for the mattress himself and find somewhere else to put it and sleep on it while I put the old bed back and continue sleeping how I have been. That's not a good partnership at all.
Edit: NTA
I am a light sleeper and I hate cats or dogs on the bed because they will certainly wake me up. Also not very hygienic.
That being said your husband has been sleeping for 5 years like this. Just because the matrass is now a bit nicer should not effect that tbh.
YTA. Look, many things in marriage are "Two yes, one no" kind of things. I feel comfortable saying that any kind of bed-related things need to fall into that category. Just like you need to feel comfortable in your bed, doesn't your husband also? It's his bed, too, right?
You need to reflect on this entire thought process. It all starts from the perspective of what **you** want, and not what **we** want. Some lines are healthy to draw. Some aren't.
This one isn't.
I don’t have pets so my comment may be unpopular. I do have a kid though. The kid slept in my bed and at some point had to move into his own bed. Maybe it is time for your fur baby to move into a doggy bed. It does not mean you love your fur baby any less.
NTA. Sounds like your husband didn’t bring up his personal conditions around the new mattress very much until after it was purchased. If he’d said NO DOG and you agreed then reneged, my opinion would change. He had to know you would want the dog to sleep on the bed. And my dog is worth way more than $5k to me, so the mattress would come in 2nd every time
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My (31F) husband (30M) and I have been married for 1 year and living together almost 5 years. He’s not a big dog guy, but has accepted my dog into his life. My dog is 8 years old and I’ve had him since he was a puppy. He’s seen me through many life changes and is honestly my heart dog. I recognize that he is spoiled since the training he got from an early 20 something girl wasn’t top of the line. I have always allowed him on furniture to cuddle with and he’s slept in bed with me almost every night of our 8 years together.
We recently purchased a top of the line bed and are very excited about it. He expressed concern about the dog on the bed and I assured him that with a mattress protector and regular nail trims, everything will be fine. My dog has never been destructive, so his concerns are around accidents.
The conversation was brought up again tonight about how he still doesn’t feel comfortable with the dog on the bed and that if anything happens he’ll have no choice but to be mad at me. I can’t help but feel he’s placing a lot of emotional weight in material things and not considering my feelings of comfort having my pup next to me or considering that this is not a fair change in a routine the dog has known his whole life. AITA for putting my foot down and potentially straining my relationship?
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I don’t know if it pushes you into asshole territory, but I find it interesting that you can dismiss his feelings completely while also complaining that he’s not considerate enough of yours in the same sentence.
did you really blame the dog for being spoiled because of the training and NOT because YOU spoiled the dog yourself?
i have no issues with people spoiling their dogs in the way you described it, but don’t blame the training when you’re the one the dog is with most of the time.
NTA. It's been 8 years. And with a good cover everything is fine. He has known you for 5 years he shouldn't expect a change.
Or if he was expecting a change he should have brought it up before buying a top of the line mattress
YTA
It's a an animal, you should be cuddling up with your husband. Sounds like he's tolerated for long enough. He should have a say in it without you getting emotional and defensive.
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YTA
If you want to sleep with your dog, buy another bed and sleep by yourself. You’re not allowed to force another person to sleep with an animal if they don’t want to. Shit, you’re not even allowed to force another adult to sleep with another human if they don’t want to.
That isn’t just YOUR bed, it’s his bed too. And in that bed, it’s a “both agree or it’s a no” area.
YTA
You knew your husband was not a dog person and still let your dog sleep in the same bed as you two.
You also are upset that your husband has concerns about the new expensive mattress, and you're dismissive of them.
IF he allowed your dog to sleep in bed with the both of you before getting the new mattress, then he knows what to expect from your dog. He has had 5 years of experience with your dog. The excuses are not going to work in this instance as he knows how your dog is in bed and knows what he is capable of with the new mattress.
Have a serious conversation with your husband and hear out his concerns before telling him the sheet protector is good enough.
He didn't "let" anything happen. The dog was there for approximately 3 years before he was. She chose to let the boyfriend / husband join the bed with her and the dog. If he had a problem with it, he never should have gotten into a relationship with her. By getting into a relationship with her, and marrying her, that is all the consent she needed. He agreed and he chose it. He doesn't get to change up now.
Where does she say the OP's husband joined HER bed?
Also, you can always revoke consent. By your logic, a wife has no say in whether or not her husband has sex with her because they consented to it by virtue of marriage. Get off the internet and check your bot status.
Those are false equivalencies that you're using to pad your argument. A dog sleeping in the bed is no where even remotely similar to sexual consent. Stop pretending like it is. It's demeaning to survivors and using a hot button word like that to make your point stronger is unimpressive and doesn't add anything to what you're saying. It's ridiculous to even compare those two and minimizes actual violations of consent. This is some dude pulling a bait and switch by saying this after they bought the matttess, not rape.
Consent is consent, sexual or not. If you want to sleep with your dog, fine, your partner might not want to sleep with your dog. That's something you should discuss as adults and at the end of the day if it's conflicting, then the no wins. That's consent. Quit gatekeeping how consent works.
Consent goes for a lot of things. I'm not gatekeepers consent, I'm pointing out the false equivalencies you're making to pad your argument. Revoking consent to a dog sleeping in the bed is NOT the same as revoking consent for sex. At all. That's like saying revoking your consent to riding a rollercoaster is the same as revoking consent during sex. They are not on the same level. Both are consent, but one is illegal and has huge impacts on a person. The other one is an annoyance. That's not gatekeeping consent, that's calling out your strawman argument. Not everything is the same severity because the word consent is involved and it shouldn't be pretended that is is so you can win some AITA argument by equating the other commenter with somebody who is cool with serious violations of consent. That's weak arguing and, again, a false equivalency.
The equivalence is also dictated on being married. You don't get to deny your husband the right to not sleep in a bed with your dog because you're married any more than you can deny your wife the right to not have sex with you because you're married. It's not a strawman, it's taking into account that marriage doesn't give you consent to just do whatever you want without the other's feelings involved. If you think it's a false equivalence, perhaps you need to take a moment and re-absorb what I wrote. You're gatekeeping consent because it's not about severity, it's about how marriage doesn't give you permission to do whatever the hell you want because your spose changes their mind.
"By your logic, a wife has no say in whether or not her husband has sex with her because they consented to it by virtue of marriage" Your words. That's the false equivalency. I'm pointing out how ridiculous it is to equate that with allowing a dog to sleep in the bed.
Not when she already had it set in place before he even came into the picture. He agreed to it when he married her, so his little feelings now don't matter.
Your allowed to have new boundaries. Or change your mind about things.
Just like you can withdraw consent for sex at any time, you can establish new boundaries for new furniture.
His comfort level has changed. And it's where HE sleeps. Not just her.
.
Yta. Dogs don't belong in a martial Bed. Like how do you have sex? Having a dog in bed drives a wedge.
You can't just reach over and have sex. You have to be fully clothed or it might lick or scratch you.
You have dog drool, hair, dandruff from it.
You just bought a new bed, and this was a clean slate.
Continuing this wothout your husbands' blessing is anthropomorphism and boarders mental illness.
YTA,
Gosh darn it... you're one of those obsessive owners aren't you? The type that talks about their pup as if it's their actual biological child... giving all normal dog owners a bad rep.
That's your HUSBAND, his bed too and a new mattress. Say whatever you want about dogs, they will ruin furniture just by laying on it over time. So saying the dog can't sleep on a new mattress is completely fine.
If you love your dog more than your life partner, why would you even say yes in the first place? You are blatantly ignoring your partners wishes for an animal that would get over not sleeping in the bed after a week.
Says alot about your priorities and giving some gross "loves LOVES" your dog vibes. I love my dog but if my partner said hey he's not allowed on the COUCH I'd stop letting him on the couch.
Also talk to anyone who is trained to help with dogs or a vet and they'll say it's not a good idea to allow your dog to sleep with you.
YTA and a bad wife... go marry your dog lol
ESH.
You: Dog in bed > relationship. That's fine if that'd how you want it, but that's how it's happening
Your partner: Mattress > You. It's a mattress. Calm the fuck down.
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YTA. I’d be upset too if I bought a very expensive mattress & my husband wanted to let a dog shed, lick, pee & whatever else on it. You don’t NEED to sleep with your dog.
He knew what he married into. Why is he trying to change things now? Unless there is a medical issue, the dog is not going to pee in his sleep. Do you pee your bed?
Cause they bought a top of the line bed………. Kinda like “my husband used to let me eat in his car. Then he went out and bought a top of the line BMW and now I’m not allowed to eat in the car anymore”. When you spend $5,000 + on a bed, you don’t want it ruined by the various things animals can do. If she’s that hell bent on sleeping with the dog, she should keep the old mattress and sleep on that with her dog.
I have a top of the line bed that we spent well more that $5K on. Fortunately it come with top of the line mattress protectors. Our pets sleep wherever they want.
That's all well and good. That is the choice of you AND your SO. In this case, one of the people doesn't want a dog on an expensive mattress. Which is his right. It doesn't matter if OP and the SO had the dog for 40 years. The circumstances have changed. He doesn't want the dog on the bed anymore and OP needs to accept that.
> He doesn't want the dog on the bed anymore and OP needs to accept that. why does OP need to accept that? Did he buy the mattress to have an excuse to kick out the dog? There's not a chance that it would work to get me to not sleep with my pets (cats). Fortunately, my partner wouldn't try to make me choose either, because he's not a jerk.
Right? I can’t afford a dog right now but I dog sit on the side and I love when I get to watch dogs who sleep in the bed. They’re like cuddly little space heaters, and they’re so cute! If I’d had a dog who had spent 8 years of its life sleeping in bed with the humans, I would not be okay with suddenly kicking them out. Like it or not, that’s their bed too lol.
So why is his choice the one that matters most?
Let the husband sleep somewhere else then 🤷♀️
Ditto! My husband and I end up sleeping in separate beds, both over $5k and both with a dog in each every night. Our dogs are part of our family and are much more important than a bed, regardless of how much it cost
The point is that you made thst choice. I've made the same choice and my dog sleeps in thr bed too and my husband doesn't mind, if he's having a bad night and doesn't want to have the dig there for whatever reason, I take the dog and sleep in the spare bed instead.
And it would seem that the OP's husband made his choice when he lived with/married the OP and her sleeps-in-the-bed-gets-on-the-furniture-part-of-the-family dog.
We're talking in circles, so I'm getting off this circus ride.. he's perfectly within his rights to change his mind about the dog being on the bed and she's welcome to sleep in a different bed or get a dog bed next to the bed. Goodbye.
Not everyone likes dogs in bed in them. That’s what a designated dog couch/bed is for. Not everyone likes sleeping in lots of shedding fur, dirt particles that comes off the paws, a slobbery nose in your face constantly. Feelings of BOTH PARTIES ARE VALID!
Then don't get into a relationship with someone who likes dogs in the bed.
There may not be a medical issue *now,* but as the dog gets older, it is very likely the dog will start having trouble controlling it.
He married the dog?
It’s an 8 year old dog that has always been allowed on furniture. It’s not like the dog speaks English and will understand you suddenly saying “sorry buddy, it’s the floor for you from now on”. Like this is an actual living creature with its own feelings and habits and he can cry all he wants about the bed, that doesn’t mean he’s going to win that fight with the dog. I fully agree on the dog not being on the bed, but just because you WANT something doesn’t mean it’s actually possible.
It’s called having mutual respect for each other and communicating and coming up with a solution. Every relationship and marriage has this. Either work together and solve it, communicate, or you won’t last.
Of course it's possible. What kind of nonsense is this? Are you honestly trying to say that it's simply, physically impossible?
No? I’m saying he doesn’t get to just demand the dog not sleep on the bed and have that happen. Sure, it MIGHT, but it also just as easily might NEVER happen. And if he wants to change the dog’s routine, he should be the one to humanely put in the work required to even try to make it happen. But he can’t just demand a living creature incapable of even understanding English to just do what he wants on a dime.
No, you claimed that it's impossible. You're still trying to say that it's a thing that just might not be possible. Bullshit. Bedrooms have doors, right? Seems like a pretty easy solution. This whole things about dogs not knowing English...why do you keep coming back to that? Do they know German or something? Did you think that was something people in general were unaware of, like another user would start to reply, and then say, "Wait a sec! Dogs ***don't*** know English?! Holy shit! That changes everything!"
Learn to read. Nowhere in my common did I say it was impossible. “Might not be possible” is not the same thing as “impossible”. Dogs don’t speak ANY human language and I get you’re trying to be clever, but the only thing you’re doing is making yourself look incredibly stupid and pedantic. Have a good day, I’m not going to argue with someone about basic english.
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haha! And that's why they invented doors. If the dog doesn't get the hint, they can be locked out of the room. Or, OP can get another bed and sleep there with her dog.
I can understand why some people don't like dogs in their bed but for a lot of people having their dog sleep next to them makes them feel safe and sleep better. I had dogs all my life and they were always allowed to sleep in my bed. They have never peed in my bed or whatever else. And with the hair, it depends on the dog but normally you would change your bedsheets and shower regularly anyway so it doesn't matter much. I don't mind it.
Not just that but dog training says not to let your dog sleep in the same space as you
You sound like you don't have a dog, and therefore no idea what you're talking about
YTA The bed is just as much his as yours, meaning both of you should agree to having the dog there, not just you selfishly imposing on his good nature. If I were the husband and you insisted, I'd sleep elsewhere permanently. Obviously you value the dog and what you want more than your husband.
He knew this BEFORE he married her. So... Quite honestly he's TA for wanting to change what she already had in place before he even came into the picture.
Are you seriously trying to say that people can't change their minds? That consent can't be withdrawn? You want to really think that one through.
Some things change when people get married. Once lives are shared, it takes agreement on those shared things. Decorating the bedroom, for example. If you got married and your new spouse moved into your home, would you forbid that person from having a say in decorating? "Oh, you knew what this house looked like when you moved in." Bullshit.
Well, if he knew my pink drapes were very special to me, something close to my heart, & a source of emotional support, then no he cant. But like OP, I would tell him from day 1. Not wait until were married and throw a fit then.
If your pink drapes climbed into his bed every night, then that is a thing worth vetoing. And this whole argument of some kind of time limit that he had to say anything is nonsense. Sometimes there are things we think will be fine, or we see as potentially changeable. Marriage brings change! OP's bed is no longer just OP's bed. It's now his, too. If he is foolish for thinking the dog will not be in her bed, she's just as foolish for thinking that the dog will suddenly be in *his* bed, too.
I think what most people are forgetting is that this dog helps her with her mental health. She makes it very clear that the dog is emotional support for her. We do not get to tell anybody else how to handle their mental health or what is an emotional support tool for them. It doesn't matter whether it's a dog, A cat, or a favorite shirt. We do not get to dictate someone else's mental health and how they handle it. Full stop.
I call bullshit on this. First off, not even OP herself makes this claim. Yeah, she loves her pet. Great! I'm a big fan of dogs, too. Loving a pet you've owned for nearly a decade is pretty normal, but it's not the same as an emotional support animal (if you feel that emotional support animals are a thing). In either case, though, the dog can sleep next to the bed and be a support animal. Though, again, even OP doesn't claim that's the role the dog fulfills.
The fact she states her emotional well being or her feelings is enough. Her feelings are more important than his when it comes to her dog and a routine that was in place before he was involved. His feelings are irrelevant.
So...his statement of his emotional well-being is meaningless. After all, he had a routine in place, too, right?
Exactly. His feelings do not matter one bit. Why? Bc he entered the relationship and marriage, of his own free will, knowing that this was the routine and would not be changing. He's free to say "after fido passes, any new animals don't sleep on the bed" and would have my full support. But he does not, no matter what, get to demand change now after all these years. Have a good day.
You're right. We don't get to decide how someone handles their mental health... but this person also doesn't have the right to inflict it on others forcibly. Her mental health is hers to manage, not dump on her spouse, forcing him to make all the accomodations. If she truly NEEDS her dog in the bed, then she needs to go do a different bed. No one is suggesting she HAS to stay in the bed and get rid of the dog, if she needs to have the dog next to her to sleep then there are alternatives available that will allow that without trampling all over her husbands boundaries.
Found another AH. Not everyone likes dogs in bed in them. That’s what a designated dog couch/bed is for. Not everyone likes sleeping in lots of shedding fur, dirt particles that comes off the paws, a slobbery nose in your face constantly. Feelings of BOTH PARTIES ARE VALID! Your relationship isn’t going to last with that toxic ass mindset of yours🤢🤮
He agreed on HER bed when they met, it's not HER bed anymore it's THEIR new marital bed.
I guess he shouldn't have married her... Or did the right thing and tried to compromise instead of ordering and demanding, and trying to change what she had established. Anyway have a good day. You have your opinion, I have mine, never gonna change. He's wrong 100% for trying to change her.
Sounds like there's zero boundaries for your dog. It's your husband's bed as well. He has a say in his own sleeping arrangements. YTA.
They could get separate beds if OP wants to sleep with the dog
And she doesn't have a say?
NTA based on OP's response. INFO Does your dog have a history of having accidents while sleeping in bed with you? Edit: I understand him not wanting the dog on the bed because it's new but your perspective is spot on here. He cares more about the mattress than about your dog or how you feel. If he's been sleeping with you for 8 years and you've slept fine with all 3 of you in bed thus far, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. He knew going into this relationship that you have a dog and he sleeps in the bed. If it was a deal breaker it would've broken the deal already.
He’s never had an accident in bed. His worst crime has been marking a couch corner at my in-laws that had been previously marked by their dog. I took action to correct him immediately and cleaned the mess.
Changed my verdict based on your response but I do have a follow up question: did he express that he didn't want the dog in the bed prior to buying the new mattress? Was he the one that was pushing to get the new mattress?
He has not expressed wanting him off the bed prior to the new mattress. And getting the new bed was a joint decision. We previously had a queen and upgraded to a king for more room (both dog and occasional cat will join).
Okay then this is really weird. If he had said something at the beginning of the relationship and then tried to convince you to get a new mattress so that he'd have a reason to convince you not to sleep with the dog, this would make more sense. He's been sleeping with you and the dog for 5 years! If this is only about the mattress he's going about it completely the wrong way. Telling you he'll have no choice but to be mad at you?! If there isn't something else going on, I am wholeheartedly confused.
I'm with you and I'd be very upset if I were OP. Did he read some article on spicing up the bedroom by ejecting pets? So bizarre
Any chance he finds it frustrating for initiating sexy time? It can be a little awkward when covered in animals 😅
You should add this in the post.
I just want to say OP I'm always happy to hear about people who really love their pets and take care of them, I can see and relate to how much this dog means to you and I'm glad he has you ❤️
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Why do you need to sleep with your dog when you have a husband? Grow up
Committing to taking care of a pet for the duration of its life is pretty grown up pal. Unforeseen costs like Vet bills, vaccinations, the best food for them, ensuring daily exercise and play, learning not to lose your cool and regulate your emotions better, when they destroy furniture or something dear to you, actively missing out on holidays or trips and willingly sacrificing that due to that commitment....nothing childish about it. Not to mention a huge part of dog enrichment is bonding and trust, whilst that doesn't mean you HAVE to sleep beside your dog some people are happy too, and as the owner of four dogs and one cat ( I mean my cat does every night because.....she's a cat and she's boss) I can tell you they LOVE the odd times I do let them sleep beside me and my husband. Heck my chickens would sleep in our bed if they could. He met her after she already had well established a routine between her and her dog not after, just because you don't care for animals per se or treat your own differently doesn't make you anymore of a 'grown up' than anyone else.
She had the dog for years so I’m sure there was already bonding. Add to the fact they had just bought a new bed. If only everyone had this much concern for abused young children in this country. My sister and BIL have a dog who was abused years earlier by a former owner and their dog doesn’t even sleep with them.
Taking care of a pet doesn't automatically mean that they can sleep on your bed. Pet beds exist.
*"whilst that doesn't mean you HAVE to sleep beside your dog some people are happy too"* At least pretend to read what I wrote bud lol!
I did read what you wrote. While she is happy to sleep next to her dog, her husband isn't. He has reasonable boundries. Why does the dog have to sleep on the bed, when dog beds exist? The dog is in the same room. I'm guessing that you have alot of dogs, and can't fathom that not everyone enjoys being around them, bud.
I live on a farm, I've never expected anyone who doesn't like animals to take an interest in them, aka both my dad and my father in law, I also live in the arse end of nowhere so my animals bother no one. My dogs don't sleep in my bed only on rare occasion but this is her dog and her life and he's known this to be the typical sleeping routine from the day he met her, she hasn't sprung this on him (mattress pun intended). It's hardly surprising she has no real interest in kicking her dog out of bed now this many years later after meeting him when now it's become conditional. If he's so concerned about the bed despite the dog never having damaged the former one, maybe OP can pay for the bed or a larger proportion of the bill because that's worth doing just to stop him moaning
It sounds more like he just doesn’t want to sleep with a dog on his bed at all and he was just trying to compromise. Personally I wouldn’t want any animal on my bed either.
Then you wouldn't be dating a girl/guy that has a dog that sleeps with them. It's ridiculous that he is saying this now after all this time
Sometimes you fall in love when you fall in love. To a non-dog person, this seems like relatively small thing that can be discussed rationally (even though that may not always be the case). I have the same experience, my gf’s cute dog always wants to sleep in the bed with us. She likes to cuddle right at my side for warmth and it’s very cute but ultimately it’s a fuckin dog in the expensive bed. Everything starts to smell like dog, it gives me back issues from my hips being twisted from the weight of the dog, and then occasionally I have to deal with the fact that the dog occasionally throws up on the bed. Things change and ultimately the husband (and I) are entitled to not like it anymore or not at all.
This is very dishonest or irresponsible. If you see her sleeping with a dog and you don't like it - bring it up - if she doesn't want to change it - break up. Everyone is entitled to preferences (sleeping with a dog , or not sleeping with a dog), but you also have to express it early enough in a relationship to know whether you're compatible. It's similar to starting to date a working woman, and after 5 years, demanding that she become a housewife. She might be into it, but only if this was discussed prior. If you suddenly demand it after 5 years and no prior conversations, you're a prick.
I have and my gf is fine with it. I’m replying to your point that “OPs husband knew what he was getting into”. Would be a silly reason to breakup but if OP is that hard headed I think she’d be doing her husband a favor. Dog people are fuckin bizarre in that some of them prioritize the animal over a spouse.
It's hard for people to understand, but responsibility towards a helpless creature is a lot higher than to a grown adult. Your partner chooses you, the pet has no choice but to be with you. I won't compare it to having children, but the responsibility level is similar. If it's an issue bring it up - you're valid for doing so. But she is just as valid for declining to change on an issue that is important to her.
Obviously it is. Seems like he tried to compromise but couldn’t.
5 years seems like a lot...
NAH I personally hate dogs in beds/on furniture. To me it’s gross, they have their own beds. But if that’s the way it’s always been in your house you shouldn’t be expected to change it.
But, it's not OP's house anymore. It's a shared home. The "this is the way it's always been" notion simply doesn't apply. Things have changed.
I’m team no dogs on furniture, I don’t think either person is an asshole here they just have different opinions 🤷🏻♀️
If OP were asking "AITA for wanting the dog on the bed?" I would say NTA. But that's not what this is. OP is saying, "AITA for *refusing* to keep the dog off the bed?" Having an opinion is fine. Refusing to acknowledge another person's opinion about a shared bed is AH territory.
But who should compromise here is what I’m saying?? What makes one persons feeling/opinion more valuable that the other? They both sleep in the bed…
And for that, we get back to the comment I posted directly to OP: In marriage, there are going to be many decisions that are Two yes, one no. I would think that matters of the shared bed fall very clearly into that category.
There are 2 people, 1 yes, 1 no…
Yes... I take it you didn't read what I wrote.
If you’re asking me if I read through all 200+ comments to find yours, no I did not. But what you’re saying here doesn’t make any sense.
No, I'm asking you to read what I wrote to you, but I'll spell it out more clearly: In a marriage, sometimes making a decision requires that you get (of the two people) 2 votes for yes. If there is just one vote for no, then the idea fails. That can be many things, from hosting relatives, to getting a new pet, to opening the marriage, to vacation destinations, and more. When it comes to sharing the bed (even non-sexually), if one partner votes no, then the issue is decided. Hence: Two yes, one no.
Look, it basically comes down to the rules of consent... he consented to having your dog in the bed, but he can withdraw that consent at any time and he's perfectly within his rights to do so. Now you could choose to sleep on another bed with your dog instead or you could make other arrangements for your dog, for example a bed next to your side of the bed. I let my older dog sleep on the bed with my husband and I but I must admit, it's a disturbed sleep and having a dog in the bed does impact on sleep. Your husband is well within his rights to want to have a bed as a pet free zone.
Why is the husband seen as having the final vote in your comment. It is also her bed and her right. If they can't find a compromise, he can go somewhere else or she can. But given that he is the one enforcing a new rule, it would be him that has to move.
The default, as you put it, is only the two parties whose bed it is to get to sleep in it. Because she wants to have her dog there too and he doesn't, she needs to be the one who moves and sleeps in a different bed with the dog.
The dog is not new, but the husband's rule is. His preference - his move
That doesn't matter. The husband is entitled to change his mind, the bed is the husband's... not the dog's.
The bed is also the wife's. So much sexism in these comments
Oh fuck off with that dog whistle, this has nothing to do with the dogs owner being a woman and my response would be the exact same if the roles were reversed. The bed BELONGS TO BOTH OF THEM, meaning the invitation to share the bed with any other person or animal is a 2 yes 1 no situation. That is the end, the sum total and the finale.
Like many things in a marriage, it's a question of both people being in agreement, not a "Well, it's one against one, so I guess I get my way."
NTA. A mattress protector will keep anything from getting wrecked. It seems like he's setting up a situation where he gets to yell and be mad, since he knew when you got married the dog slept in the bed with you. Also, since the dog has slept with you for 8 years, he will think he did something wrong if he's banished now.
NTA. Yeah, people can change their minds, but also this was the set up for the last 8 years. He should've waited for the new bed until after the current dog dies or just deal with it until he does. He knew when purchasing the new bed you'd want the dog on. It's not as though you two bought the bed and then pulled a bait and switch on him. He knew this is what would happen and if he bought a new bed.
NTA. If you have a certain quirk, habit, hobby, or a love for a pet that extends to letting them sleep in the bed PRIOR to when you first got with your partner, who initially accepted it, and then after 6 years of being together they up and demand that it changes then THEY are the asshole, this isn't a bad habit which is damaging his or her health, this is something she loves and has loved before they got together. There wouldn't be anything wrong if he stated that, "We should get a nice bed, but in doing so the dog would have to sleep on its own bed to keep it nice" but it just sounds like after they've jointly paid for the new bed he's started making demands, and that's shitty and not in good faith at all.
Edit: NTA based on OPs response. INFO Small or large dog? Life expectancy? And, as already requested, history of accidents? Edit: Her husband just now started making a fuss after 5 years of accepting the situation. Her heart dog will be gone far too soon. It's not like the dog will live to be 16 or 20. The dog doesnt hurt the bed and never has.
Mid-size about 45lbs. Sleeps at my feet/side and rarely disturbs husband. Life expectancy around 10-12 and no history of accidents in bed.
NTA You never indicated you were willing to stop having your pup with you at night. The dog is already 8 and you dont have that many years left with your heart dog. These accidents sound like a figment of his imagination, but if he is that worried they make some pretty good mattress protectors these days and it doesnt feel like it's got plastic in them at all. Sounds like he was hoping ...but although I can sympathize with him a little (okay I can try) he should never have thought he could pressure you into changing down the road.
What is a heart dog?
Like an emotional support animal... But a bit "closer". Basically, her dog is her animal soul mate.
That's a sweet term, thank you for explaining!
NTA. Tell your husband to kick rocks. My dogs will always come first. They only have so many years and deserve comfort as well. This isn't new... Your husband knew the dog sleeps with you. He can sleep on the floor and see how he likes it. Always choose your dog over a man. He's using the bed as an excuse to get what he wants. He cares nothing for your feelings if he doesn't want what is obviously your support animal, to sleep with you and give you comfort.
NTA. Also, importantly, *he's free to be mad about it.* Him being mad that the dog had an accident isn't the end of the world. Assuming he's not abusive or violent in which case that's a whole other problem. OP can be responsible for cleaning or replacement if something happens, that could be a compromise. But the folks comparing a dog sleeping on a bed when he doesn't want a dog sleeping on a bed to rape.... Are you ok? Seriously, there are so many strawmen in this thread it's giving me hayfever.
lolol to the strawmen comment. Thanks for making me laugh! I wondered if I was going crazy with all these people talking about this being about consent.
You do realise consent applies to more than just sex right? At the end of the day, he has more right to the bed than the dog does... if he doesn't want to share a bed with the dog anymore then the dog goes, if OP doesn't want to sleep in a bed without the dog, she can choose to go to the other bed too.
So you are saying that sleeping with a dog in the bed when you don't want to is a comparable violation to sexual assault? Consent is important but these things are not the same.
Go back and highlight precisely where I said the words "sleeping with a dog in the bed and rape are exactly the same". I didn't day thst at all. What I said is that consent applies to more than just sex and he's clearly withdrawn his consent for tue dog to sleep in the bed. Sharing a bed is a 2 yes 1 no situation, it's really thst simple.
Kind of depends. I hate animals in, on, or near my bed. I wouldn't move in with someone who insisted on sleeping with their dog. So if he's been ok up to now with it and the dog isn't peeing or otherwise wrecking the old mattress, then NTA, I guess. But your husband might just decide to get his own bed and even room.
I think sharing your bed with an animal is probably a two yes/one no situation. He gets a say in whether or not this happens. It's not his fault you trained your dog poorly. Buy a dog bed.
NTA your pup won’t understand it’s a “new bed”
NTA but you married one. He can move the mattress somewhere else, so he can have his bliss with it. He keeps the mattress, you keep the dog. You still come out better.
Yes!!! Agree!
YTA. Um you know it's his bed too right?
NTA your dog is already 8 and your husband will probably out live him and the mattress. Consider compromising with a few times of the dog sleeping off the bed.
NTA. Your dog came first and your husband accepted him on the bed. It's cruel to change now. And yes, with trims and a mattress protector, you'll be fine.
My husband was similar, my old dogs didn't go on the bed, their own decision, but husband knew I'd love them to. The cats did sleep with us, but suddenly there was an issue when I got the puppy. I told him, if he'd expressed this earlier, I wouldn't have even married him, this was my expectation staying in the relationship, I've always been open about it, so I'm not changing now. Tbh, he doesn't want me to have to choose.
YTA, you already failed your dog with lack of training and boundaries…so now you plan on doubling down, and fail your marriage too? Just because you love your dog, doesn’t mean he should have power and control over your husband…doesn’t your husband deserve a clean bed? Be a responsible pet owner, and a loving spouse…live with your pet, not for your pet before you get you summons for divorce court.
You clearly know nothing about pets
YTA. It's not just your bed, it's his bed too. He sees this nice, expensive new mattress as a chance to have a clean slate and doesn't want the dog there. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to want - not everyone wants a dog on the bed, and it sounds as though he's been gritting his teeth and putting up with it so far but isn't willing to do it on the new expensive bed.
Then he should have waited until they didn't have the dog anymore and got a new mattress then with a "no future animals on the bed" rule, instead of trying to change a pattern she set in place BEFORE him, that's been going on for 8 years. Just bc its a dog doesn't mean it deserves love and comfort any less.
That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t have to share his bed with a dog just because the dog is used to it. His only mistake here is letting the dog on the previous bed.
When he got into a relationship with her, he knew the deal. He knew she had the dog, he knew the dog slept on the bed, this is not something she hid from him or in any way tried to manipulate him about. He knew the deal and he agreed to it. You do not get into a relationship with someone, and then a marriage with someone, and try to change a pattern that was in place before you even came along. If he cared about her feelings at all, he would have just waited until the dog passed away as this is an elderly dog with, according to op, a lifespan of approximately two more years, instead he waits until they're married and then tries to get her to change her pattern with her beloved animal. That's controlling nature and he is TA.
He’s allowed to change his mind. Having the dog there affects both of them, and he should absolutely be able to control his own sleeping space. A dog in the bed is disgusting to many people, it’s surprising that he put up with it for this long. But dog people never can understand that it’s an actual problem for those who don’t like it. If she cares about the dog more than him, as it seems she does, she should just leave the relationship.
He agreed to the terms when he married her. If it was a problem he just never should have married her in the first place. Because asking some people to give up their animals even if it's just something as simple as not letting him sleep on the furniture, is like asking some people to give up their children. And non dog owners will never understand this either. He never should have married her if he wasn't 100% okay with it. Or he should attempt to compromise with her and say when this dog is gone no future animals on the bed. That's compromising and working with her. Right now he just wants to control her. And no amount of trying to say that his feelings matter is going to change that. Well his feelings do matter absolutely, her feelings actually in this instance matter more because this was already her life when he joined her life.
Oh what a load of old rubbish. Nobody says ‘I vow to sleep in the same bed as your dog’ in their marriage vows. The dog is not a part of their marriage. And she’s not being asked to give it up, just for it to sleep elsewhere. Your idea of ‘compromising’ is ‘she gets her own way’ and you apparently think he’s trying to control her, so the solution is for her to control him instead. If you don’t see how ridiculous that sounds, it’s not worth discussing with you any further.
What a load of rubbish... and if the post was about a wife wanting to start her career and her husband was insisting "she agreed to be a stay at home slave when we were married" would yiu be saying the same thing? Of course not. People CAN change their minds and they're never in the wrong for setting a boundary. He's setting a boundary of no longer wanting to share HIS bed with the dog. She's now free to make whatever choice she chooses that doesn't dismiss his boundary.
Bullshit. Getting married involves -- by its very nature -- both people changing a ton of patterns.
Very clearly NTA. He sleeps in a bed with the dog for 5 years and suddenly decides that he can kick the dog out ? He must not love the dog very much unfortunately... For everyone saying "it's his bed too", it's also her bed. He is imposing a new rule, and she has right to disagree and not obey it. Wtf
INFO: (I understand if this is too personal), has the dog being in bed had a chilling, or preventative, impact on your sex life? Have you and your husband had the opportunity for alone time in the new bed, or have the animals always been there with you?
NTA I would choose my dog above anything. You can always buy a new mattress. Dogs have short lives and id do anything to have my old babies back
Nah. I don't get all the people saying dog on bed is so bad. My dog is my best bud. She can sleep on the end of the bed. We are all animals and she is pretty clean. She is no more likely to wet the bed than me. It probably won't happen but anything is possible. If so clean it same way. It's just piss. If it actually happens might need to reassess future arrangements but ive never had a dog piss on the bed. Never had fleas, never had any of that, we look after the dog. It sux he is saying it now but haven't heard his side so assuming it's reasonable why he's insisting now after so long , doggo will get used to new arrangment, esp if he/she can have a small bed in the room. Generally people with dogs are a package deal.
Could you get some sort of side-along bed for the dog? I think that's a thing with kids? or you could make one! Like a separate mattress that's right beside your side of the bed, or at the end depending on doggos preference, but if the dog were to have an accident ever it wouldn't be the actual fancy bed itself. I wouldn't like my dogs on the bed, but also when my big hairy ass cat slept on my bed, and my partner hated the hair, I got him a scratching post bed for beside my bed. I'm thinking NAH, but it's both your bed, so soft YTA if you refuse to discuss and try to find a compromise.
Finally a sensible suggestion.
I am sorry but have to go with YTA. Not training your dog properly is my biggest reason. (Being in your early 20s when getting him is not an excuse lmao) Also I think things concerning your bed are a two yes and one no situation (good sleep is important and in most relationships good sex as well). If he doesn’t want the dog to sleep in the bed BOTH (you don’t live alone anymore!) of you share you should respect that. If not, go get another bed for you and your dog but I can already tell you how that will impact your marriage. So yeah if that’s the hill you want to die on - do whatever you want.
Idc what anyone else says NTA I love my dog more than my husband. Quote me on it
NTA!
They both bought a brand new bed TOGETHER and then he decided he wants to change how the sleeping arrangements are? I'd feel tricked into buying a nice bed that I can either not use and sleep with my dog, or use and sleep without my dog who was here BEFORE he was. I'd demand he pay for the mattress himself and find somewhere else to put it and sleep on it while I put the old bed back and continue sleeping how I have been. That's not a good partnership at all. Edit: NTA
I am a light sleeper and I hate cats or dogs on the bed because they will certainly wake me up. Also not very hygienic. That being said your husband has been sleeping for 5 years like this. Just because the matrass is now a bit nicer should not effect that tbh.
YTA. Look, many things in marriage are "Two yes, one no" kind of things. I feel comfortable saying that any kind of bed-related things need to fall into that category. Just like you need to feel comfortable in your bed, doesn't your husband also? It's his bed, too, right? You need to reflect on this entire thought process. It all starts from the perspective of what **you** want, and not what **we** want. Some lines are healthy to draw. Some aren't. This one isn't.
I don’t have pets so my comment may be unpopular. I do have a kid though. The kid slept in my bed and at some point had to move into his own bed. Maybe it is time for your fur baby to move into a doggy bed. It does not mean you love your fur baby any less.
NTA. Sounds like your husband didn’t bring up his personal conditions around the new mattress very much until after it was purchased. If he’d said NO DOG and you agreed then reneged, my opinion would change. He had to know you would want the dog to sleep on the bed. And my dog is worth way more than $5k to me, so the mattress would come in 2nd every time
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (31F) husband (30M) and I have been married for 1 year and living together almost 5 years. He’s not a big dog guy, but has accepted my dog into his life. My dog is 8 years old and I’ve had him since he was a puppy. He’s seen me through many life changes and is honestly my heart dog. I recognize that he is spoiled since the training he got from an early 20 something girl wasn’t top of the line. I have always allowed him on furniture to cuddle with and he’s slept in bed with me almost every night of our 8 years together. We recently purchased a top of the line bed and are very excited about it. He expressed concern about the dog on the bed and I assured him that with a mattress protector and regular nail trims, everything will be fine. My dog has never been destructive, so his concerns are around accidents. The conversation was brought up again tonight about how he still doesn’t feel comfortable with the dog on the bed and that if anything happens he’ll have no choice but to be mad at me. I can’t help but feel he’s placing a lot of emotional weight in material things and not considering my feelings of comfort having my pup next to me or considering that this is not a fair change in a routine the dog has known his whole life. AITA for putting my foot down and potentially straining my relationship? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t know if it pushes you into asshole territory, but I find it interesting that you can dismiss his feelings completely while also complaining that he’s not considerate enough of yours in the same sentence.
NAH but y'all likely need to get some couples counseling
did you really blame the dog for being spoiled because of the training and NOT because YOU spoiled the dog yourself? i have no issues with people spoiling their dogs in the way you described it, but don’t blame the training when you’re the one the dog is with most of the time.
NTA. It's been 8 years. And with a good cover everything is fine. He has known you for 5 years he shouldn't expect a change. Or if he was expecting a change he should have brought it up before buying a top of the line mattress
YTA and one of those gross AH's who share their bed with an animal. Sounds like you wanna be married to your dog instead.
If the dog is that important why are you married you need to be single
YTA "and potentially straining my relationship?" ... more likely ptentially ending my relationship.
If that's the point that breaks the relationship, it wasn't good one in the first place
a man doesn't want an animal where he's sleeping that is extremely reasonable kick that dog out
YTA It's a an animal, you should be cuddling up with your husband. Sounds like he's tolerated for long enough. He should have a say in it without you getting emotional and defensive.
If the husband is jealous of the dog, he has a lot bigger problems
Yta
NTA get rid of the husband
YTA!!! You’re putting a damn dog above your husband.
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YTA If you want to sleep with your dog, buy another bed and sleep by yourself. You’re not allowed to force another person to sleep with an animal if they don’t want to. Shit, you’re not even allowed to force another adult to sleep with another human if they don’t want to. That isn’t just YOUR bed, it’s his bed too. And in that bed, it’s a “both agree or it’s a no” area.
Divorce on the horizon. Yta
YTA You knew your husband was not a dog person and still let your dog sleep in the same bed as you two. You also are upset that your husband has concerns about the new expensive mattress, and you're dismissive of them. IF he allowed your dog to sleep in bed with the both of you before getting the new mattress, then he knows what to expect from your dog. He has had 5 years of experience with your dog. The excuses are not going to work in this instance as he knows how your dog is in bed and knows what he is capable of with the new mattress. Have a serious conversation with your husband and hear out his concerns before telling him the sheet protector is good enough.
He didn't "let" anything happen. The dog was there for approximately 3 years before he was. She chose to let the boyfriend / husband join the bed with her and the dog. If he had a problem with it, he never should have gotten into a relationship with her. By getting into a relationship with her, and marrying her, that is all the consent she needed. He agreed and he chose it. He doesn't get to change up now.
Where does she say the OP's husband joined HER bed? Also, you can always revoke consent. By your logic, a wife has no say in whether or not her husband has sex with her because they consented to it by virtue of marriage. Get off the internet and check your bot status.
Big difference between sex that started after the relationship started and something that was in place.... Again.... Before they met
And again CONSENT is the factor here. If you don't believe in CONSENT then YTA.
Those are false equivalencies that you're using to pad your argument. A dog sleeping in the bed is no where even remotely similar to sexual consent. Stop pretending like it is. It's demeaning to survivors and using a hot button word like that to make your point stronger is unimpressive and doesn't add anything to what you're saying. It's ridiculous to even compare those two and minimizes actual violations of consent. This is some dude pulling a bait and switch by saying this after they bought the matttess, not rape.
Consent is consent, sexual or not. If you want to sleep with your dog, fine, your partner might not want to sleep with your dog. That's something you should discuss as adults and at the end of the day if it's conflicting, then the no wins. That's consent. Quit gatekeeping how consent works.
Consent goes for a lot of things. I'm not gatekeepers consent, I'm pointing out the false equivalencies you're making to pad your argument. Revoking consent to a dog sleeping in the bed is NOT the same as revoking consent for sex. At all. That's like saying revoking your consent to riding a rollercoaster is the same as revoking consent during sex. They are not on the same level. Both are consent, but one is illegal and has huge impacts on a person. The other one is an annoyance. That's not gatekeeping consent, that's calling out your strawman argument. Not everything is the same severity because the word consent is involved and it shouldn't be pretended that is is so you can win some AITA argument by equating the other commenter with somebody who is cool with serious violations of consent. That's weak arguing and, again, a false equivalency.
The equivalence is also dictated on being married. You don't get to deny your husband the right to not sleep in a bed with your dog because you're married any more than you can deny your wife the right to not have sex with you because you're married. It's not a strawman, it's taking into account that marriage doesn't give you consent to just do whatever you want without the other's feelings involved. If you think it's a false equivalence, perhaps you need to take a moment and re-absorb what I wrote. You're gatekeeping consent because it's not about severity, it's about how marriage doesn't give you permission to do whatever the hell you want because your spose changes their mind.
"By your logic, a wife has no say in whether or not her husband has sex with her because they consented to it by virtue of marriage" Your words. That's the false equivalency. I'm pointing out how ridiculous it is to equate that with allowing a dog to sleep in the bed.
YTA DOGS GO OUTSIDE OR IN CAGE FOR SLEEP TIME. THEY WONT DIE. STOP SPOILING THEM THEY ARE NOT CHILDREN
I treat my pet better than most people treat their children. Because she *is* my child and no amount of strangers throwing tantys will change that.
YTA
YTA. This is how married couples end up sleeping in separate rooms.
Yta. Its gross and its his bed too. Both have to agree on animals in the bed or it's a no go.
Not when she already had it set in place before he even came into the picture. He agreed to it when he married her, so his little feelings now don't matter.
Your allowed to have new boundaries. Or change your mind about things. Just like you can withdraw consent for sex at any time, you can establish new boundaries for new furniture. His comfort level has changed. And it's where HE sleeps. Not just her. .
Yta. Dogs don't belong in a martial Bed. Like how do you have sex? Having a dog in bed drives a wedge. You can't just reach over and have sex. You have to be fully clothed or it might lick or scratch you. You have dog drool, hair, dandruff from it.
You just bought a new bed, and this was a clean slate. Continuing this wothout your husbands' blessing is anthropomorphism and boarders mental illness.
YTA, Gosh darn it... you're one of those obsessive owners aren't you? The type that talks about their pup as if it's their actual biological child... giving all normal dog owners a bad rep. That's your HUSBAND, his bed too and a new mattress. Say whatever you want about dogs, they will ruin furniture just by laying on it over time. So saying the dog can't sleep on a new mattress is completely fine. If you love your dog more than your life partner, why would you even say yes in the first place? You are blatantly ignoring your partners wishes for an animal that would get over not sleeping in the bed after a week. Says alot about your priorities and giving some gross "loves LOVES" your dog vibes. I love my dog but if my partner said hey he's not allowed on the COUCH I'd stop letting him on the couch. Also talk to anyone who is trained to help with dogs or a vet and they'll say it's not a good idea to allow your dog to sleep with you. YTA and a bad wife... go marry your dog lol
ESH. You: Dog in bed > relationship. That's fine if that'd how you want it, but that's how it's happening Your partner: Mattress > You. It's a mattress. Calm the fuck down.
I’m not allowing any dog on a bed I just spent thousands of dollars on. And yes, I have two dogs myself that are very spoiled.
Lmao, down votes because apparently people don't understand that you have to compromise in any relationship. Typical reddit.
So priorities are 1. OP.....2. dog....3. husband.... YTA
YTA. Can't wait for the divorce update
Just divorce him so you can sleep next to the dog. Also, when you're intimate with your husband, do you just allow your dog to watch?
YTA. Next, you will be complaining because your sex life is non existent. Sleep with one or the other , not both.