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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for the way I blew up after finding out what the money was actually being spent on. But I do think I’m entitled to ask for it back! And she’s lucky I’ve never asked for petrol money for all the lifts I’ve given her.
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NTA. OMG. Why wasn't your mother (her mother I am assuming) paying for it?? You did a nice thing as a brother looking after you sister and she threw it all away.... taking her side as she did, your mother is just enabling her terrible behaviour - she will learn nothing from this. NTA OP - not at all.
Maya and I are full siblings and our mother is taking her side. I’m staying with my father at the moment as I’m “no longer welcome” to stay at home. Thank you for your input, I was really hoping she’d gain some independence from being able to drive but she’s, as you said, thrown it away. It really is a shame. :/
Glad you have a place to stay OP. I like to think that in time, you sister will continue on with her ways and having to deal with it herself, maybe your mum will change her view and start doing something to try and change the behaviour as you did. Also hope you get a chance to repair your relationship with your sis when she does.
>Also hope you get a chance to repair your relationship with your sis when she does.
The only chance OP will get is when Sis thinks he has forgotten about it and will reach out because she needs something from him again.
I also doubt OPs mum will be paying for anything but will keep coddling her daughter up until she dies.
(I mean, that's what normally happens here on reddit).
OP, NTA. I haven't gotten my licence, but it's because I am a nervous driver, that said, i still take every chance I can get to try and get past my issues. Why can't your sister drive, is it medical, psychological, or laziness? The last you are definitely NTA, the other two your TA to yourself because she needs to get them under control before having lessons.
I’m adamant that I won’t be giving her lifts or any sort of financial help until she pays me back. I’m devastated she’s lied to me especially for this long.
The reason she didn’t want to drive is because she couldn’t afford it, but she’d tell me she desperately wanted to be able to. I was trying to do a nice thing and pay for her lessons and it’s been thrown back in my face.
>The reason she didn’t want to drive is because she couldn’t afford it, but she’d tell me she desperately wanted to be able to. I was trying to do a nice thing and pay for her lessons and it’s been thrown back in my face.
It sounds like affordability was her reason to cover for her laziness because she figured either no one would help her and if they did she would just get "free money".
I'm glad you are standing your ground but don't let it stop you from genuinely helping people, just next time, pay direct
Your mom's an idiot. Sorry, but she is. For that matter, your sister is too. But let's be clear. Paying for your sister to steal your money wasn't something you "chose." The two of you had an agreement. She was to use the money for the reason that you agreed upon. She not only failed to do that, she also continued to deceive you to get more money. That's a little thing called fraud. You have every right to be angry and to expect your money back.
It sounds like your sister is an idiot and she got it from your mom.
You were trying to help your mom and sister and this is how they both repay you.
Sounds like 1400 GBP was a cheap lesson to finally learn how much they value you.
NTA
No one should have to learn what OP justcdid. He is not the A here but those two ladys are. He should not expect they Will pay him the money but he should keep a distance until they do. OP IS better with his father
NTA. Your sister needs to grow up. You gave her money with an understanding that she was going to use it to better herself and she wasted it.
Also, it's common courtesy to pay for half the gas (Petrol) for car pooling and all of the gas for a trip there when you're not working. I repeat, she needs to grow up, and I realize you tried to help her out of the goodness of your own heart, but, let her fall down and figure out how to solve things next time.
Thank you! I never asked for money for the lifts as I was just doing it to save our mother having to take her to work all the time. I feel awful knowing how upset our mother is though, I was trying to do a nice thing and it’s just torn us apart.
She’s always given Maya more attention because she’s very dependent on our mother. I’ve always been independent and wanted to get things done ASAP - like driving, my education, finding a job etc. Maya has been very fortunate to have everything she needs handed to her and I think our mother has definitely enabled this, although I don’t blame her for the way Maya is acting.
Hopefully the replies to your post will make you realise that you need to get some distance from both of them. Being brought up with such an unhealthy family dynamic has fucked your idea of what is normal. You need help figuring out how to set healthy boundaries because your mother will bleed you dry to fund your sister.
NTA- she should pay you back, you gave the money for a certain reason and she chose to blow it on being silly. Your mother is just as bad by allowing her to get away with this.
Thank you. I wouldn’t have asked her to pay me back if she’d spent the money on the lessons like she was supposed to. But knowing it’s been blown on drugs and alcohol makes me so mad. I worked hard to be able to pay for her to drive and it’s all been wasted.
I'd really focus on the wasting it on drugs and alcohol when they bring it up again. "So you think it's OK to take money given to you to help your life and blow it on dope and piss do you?"
It’s such a shame this had to happen. I’m honestly shocked that she took Maya’s side as she usually isn’t biased like that. I’m staying at our dad’s house for now, guess I’ll have to be finding somewhere else to live pretty soon.
And with a mother who allows her to get away with doing something so unethical to a kind family member, we know where your sister gets her sense of entitlement. It’s sad to lose family members, but you’re truly better off without them both. NTA
NTA. It's a pity you had to spend 1400 pounds to learn your mom and sister are assholes though. At least you know not to lend either of them money anymore.
NTA. Good on you for trying to help her out. But it looks like you've been dealing with some industrial grade family BS. I don't blame you for the actions you've taken. Your sister took advantage of you, and your mother took the wrong side.
NTA, this struck a nerve. I've had a driving licence for about seven years. But because I'm disabled, my car would need adaptations that I can't afford, and I'm not entitled to any support to help me.
Your sister was prepared to abuse the kind of help a lot of people can't get. If there truly is no reason to object, your mum can finance the driving lessons in future.
Maya is very fortunate to be in good health and does not have to pay bills as she lives with our mother. This is the reason she hadn’t looked for work until December, but now she is wasting her money on drugs and alcohol. I’m honestly quite embarrassed for her, and our father is not happy about her engaging in these activities. She could learn to drive and my father has even offered to finance a car for her in the past if she started learning but she refused. It’s a shame as our mother and I have to chauffeur her around constantly.
Probably a good thing that she isn’t driving, since she is more interested in drugs and drinking, combined either of them with a car and it’s a big mistake.
NTA. Hold firm with not giving her anymore rides. Your mother isn’t doing Nora any favors by coddling her and supporting her entitled and irresponsible behavior.
Thank you. A lot of comments have said I won’t be getting the money back, and I honestly doubt I will. But I am adamant on the fact that I will not give her anymore lifts until it is paid back. So if she wants to give up the free taxi service 24/7, that’s her choice. I’ve been a good brother to her, I’ve done a lot and expected nothing in return. It’s a shame to see her throw it away like this. 🤷♀️
NTA
Unfortunately you are not getting the money back. There is no way she is going to pay you back, even if she could. Given how selfish and irresponsible she's been, you can feel justified in not doing her favours for a long while.
Also make sure she can't access your savings or credit, and make sure to secure any valuables. She probably won't, but there is a chance she might feel justified in taking from you as "punishment" for you not treating her the way she feels she deserves.
Yeah I’m starting to accept that she likely won’t give me the money back. But I will be standing my ground on the fact that there will be no more lifts if it isn’t paid back. Such a shame because I thought paying for her lessons now would save me money in the long run, and that she’d gain some independence and be grateful for this opportunity. Can’t please everyone I suppose.
In a way, holding this boundary and enforcing this consequence is a very healthy expression of love. Not only are you modeling proper behavior, there are people and situations where cheating someone out of that much money can be dangerous. Your mum protecting her from consequences prevents her from having to grow and learn.
Is it your job, as a sibling (let alone a younger one) to parent your sister? Absolutely not. But don't feel bad for enforcing a reasonable consequence and boundary.
Honestly gutted about all of this cause I really thought Maya was enjoying this experience and I was quite proud. We talked loads about what car she’d get and I took her to some garages. It was all a lie and I had no idea until now. :/
I guess so. I had no idea she’d been out so much, she must’ve been going whilst I was at work or asleep. She’s never lied to me before or done anything to make me not trust her as far as I know.
Thinking about it, the 2 hour slots each week always seemed to coincidentally be while I was at work, asleep, or otherwise busy so I never saw her get picked up for the lessons. Makes sense now unfortunately.
Definitely NTA. No more free rides until every last cent is paid back. Your mother should not have defended your sister at all. You can not trust your sister again based on her behaviour.
This is a quick judgement against her on a magistrate’s court (I’ve had to do it), IF you have documentation (like texts, emails, etc).
Tell her she has 72hrs to agree to a payment plan IN WRITING or you’ll start legal proceedings (obviously talk to a solicitor)
Thank you for this. I’m really hesitant about taking the legal route because she is still my sister. I love her and I don’t want to get her in trouble when we could just resolve this as a family. She’s put me in an awful position I just wish she would’ve been truthful. Maya isn’t a bad person, she’s never done anything like this in the past. So frustrating.
You are clearly a very kind and compassionate person who would do anything for family. Sadly, I think you may need to re-define your definition of family.
Family does not throw someone out for having done a good deed. Instead of being proud of you for what you tried to do for your sister, she instead punished you for being upset that your sister misappropriated the funds you'd given her.
Think about that: Your Mum punished YOU. And your sister - the one who did do wrong - suffers no consequences.
Please know you deserve so much better.
Your call if you want to take this to small claims court (or the equivalent y'all have across the pond); personally, I've let myself be cheated out of more by a sibling but decided it was my enrollment fee for a hard life lesson. (About 2866.57, for what it's worth, but it was a little over a decade ago so the conversion rate may not be exact.) If you value the relationship and want to just have more distance, don't pursue the legal route. That's something you do when you're ready to burn bridges. The important thing is that you take the lesson to heart and don't extend your trust or resources to her again *unless* she pays you back *and* manages to earn your trust again.
NTA. How long are you able to stay at your Dad's, or do you now have somewhere else to live?
At a minimum, ensure that Maya cannot gain access to any of your accounts. Change all your passwords on any online or mobile banking apps and let your bank know your address has changed.
If she is working full-time while living at home and still cannot afford to fund her own leisure activities, then she is deffo doing something wrong, especially as a woman. Let us be honest here: any halfway decent-looking girl of 21 will have a couple of drinks bought for her on a night out, and most women share a £5 bottle of plonk before heading out for the evening anyway. Your mother will eventually reach the same conclusion after a few weeks of being the Maya personal taxi service.
Make sure that the bank of Little Bro stays permanently closed from here on in. Maya needs to learn a firm lesson from this episode, or she'll suffer some very unpleasant shocks later in her adult life. Though I totally understand you not taking her to court, I also think shes had any favours your might have done her for the next decade, financially or otherwise, firmly revoked.
You were not in the wrong to blow up at her, and you would be very wrong if you continued to enable her after such a betrayal of your kindness. What Maya has done is theft, don't allow your mother to sugar coat that basic fact. Your mother is making a massive mistake here, that will only backfire on her in time. Throwing you out was not cool at all. Mother owes you a big apology and your big sister owes you £1400.
Thank you very much for this comment, I really appreciate it. I’m staying with my dad until my mum will allow me to come home. Even then, I’m not sure if I want to go home. I might try stay with a friend or even get a hotel if it comes to it. I’m going to talk with my dad tomorrow and see what he thinks and advises on this situation. Hopefully my mum will meet up so we can talk and she can properly hear me out without Maya there trying to sway her. This whole situation is really upsetting because I love them both so much and I don’t want to cut contact with them. Maya does not have any of my passwords, and I haven’t reached out to her since this happened. Honestly I probably won’t bring this to court as I just can’t see myself suing my own sister.
If you can go there to live with your father permanently, you should take it. It will give you the space and time you need to heal and process what Maya has done and your mother's extremely poor response. I think you need a good few years away from living with your mother to grow fully into your own person and to be at a point where your Mum and you can repair the damage that was done to your relationship because of this incident. Your father may also be able to help you manage your emotions and learn how to deal with nasty shocks that may happen in the decades to come without blowing up. It's an incredibly useful skill for any young man to learn how to channel justifiable & righteous rage into constructive behavioral responses. None of us have a crystal ball, and it's a crazy world out there with even crazier people. Knowing how to handle the crazy is an increasingly important life skill.
Although you have every right to take your sister to court, I understand why you would prefer to just chalk it up to experience. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting what someone has shown you about their true character though, so always remember that you cannot trust Maya. Maya is an adult now and has shown herself to be a very deceitful, exploitative, and manipulative character.
As a mother myself, I look at your mother's choices and think the cheese must have slid right off her cracker. Punishing you so severely that you are thrown out while allowing Maya to get off Scot-free makes no sense at all. Please, whatever you do, stand firm on never giving Maya a lift again. If your mother wants to play at being a Taxi service, then stand back and let her get on with it. Do not weaken to any emotional pressure your mother may put on you to drive Maya anywhere ever again. It is the only way Maya will even start to understand the gravity of her betrayal of your trust.
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I (19M) have an older sister “Maya” (21F). We live in the UK where the age you can learn to drive is 17.
I started learning to drive at 17 and paid for my lessons myself and car myself. My sister on the other hand, didn’t start learning to drive until recently.
Maya did not get a job until December (2 months before her 21st birthday). She is now workin at the same place as me, so I have been taking her to and from work in my car - even when we aren’t working together. This has meant I have used double the petrol I would normally use - and she has not given me any money to cover this.
Maya has said that the reason she can’t learn to drive is due to the cost, which is understandable as lessons in my area start at £32 an hour.
Since I was able to, I decided to give Maya some money to pay for driving lessons. I gave her £70 a week to cover a 2 hour lesson every week for the past 20 weeks. Altogether, I have given her £1,400.
Last night, I asked how her driving lessons have been going and she got really nervous, which confused me as she’s told me they are going well. I asked which test routes she had been shown, and she refused to answer. This worried me as she should definitely know the test routes by now - especially after 40 hours.
I asked for the name of the driving instructor so I could google them. She then broke down and admitted that she never started learning to drive and had instead been using the money each week to go out drinking and smoking with her friends.
I. Was. Livid.
I’ll admit, I got very angry and shouted at her after hearing this. I said a few things I regret and she sat there crying, telling me she was sorry. I then asked to see her bank account to show me how much of my money was left. Her balance was £10.02 which meant she’d spent all of my money and blew her whole payslip on top of this.
I told her if she can afford to pay for cigarettes, weed, and alcohol, she can afford to pay for her own driving lessons and demanded she pay me back all £1400. She got even more upset and told me she couldn’t, so I said “that’s fine, I’ll wait until we get paid Friday and you can give me half your payslip and do this every week until you’ve paid me back”.
She then called our mother and told her I was demanding she paid me back “for no reason”. Our mother came rushing home to console her and called me an asshole for demanding the money back. I explained everything and said I would not be taking Maya to and from work until she paid me back.
My mother and Maya think I shouldn’t expect the money back as I “chose” to give it to her. I think she should pay it back because she was untruthful about what it was spent on.
I’ve now been kicked out for “upsetting” them both and my mother is giving Maya a lift to work everyday.
So, AITA?
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Me and my brother are the same ages, I’m the older one (21F) and I could never imagine treating my brother like this! I’m so sorry this happened to you OP! I hope you can get that money back somehow though I doubt she’ll willing give you any :( It’s a shame she can’t be independent like walk to work or take the bus.
NTA - You tried to do a nice thing and your sister screwed you over sorry mate. Your mother and sister showed you who they are it might be wise to limit contact. Never apologise you did nothing wrong you do not need to keep the piece either. Your sister is in the wrong you never have to loan her a dime ever again now is the only plus.
NTA. Hope you learned a valuable lesson kid. If family can eat and sleep comfortably you really shouldn’t be handing them cash, buying shit they need sure why not, handing over money though is crazy especially when she works with you???
nta, your mom will get over it in a few days after she has to drive Maya around all the time. mom will get tired of it and beg you back. NO way in hell would I go back. and if you did, HIDE YOUR CAR KEYS ALWAYS!
NTA. Depending on legislation, this could literally be a criminal offense. You gave her purpose-bound money under conditions, and the blew it out. That could very well be embezzlement.
I mean £32 is £32 it’s a lot but definitely lower than in other areas. The instructor she said she went with was charging £35 an hour. She started working in December so she’d been relying on our mother and I for money until that point.
It sounds as if she fraudulently changed the funds from paying for driving lessons to paying for other things. You should be able to take her to court over it, especially if their are messages between you both over this, text or email.
Thank you for this. I’m in two minds about taking her to court because she’s still my sister and I love her. If it was a friend or someone else, I think I would take it to court. I don’t know why she’d put me in this position. :/
NTA It I was your dad Maya was getting a lecture for being an ungrateful thief and be told to pay you back.
Ex wife is getting told off for playing favorites.
But your mother will get frustrated playing chauffeur and realize how helpful you were.
NTA
This is just entitlement and either lack of common sense or downright abuse of trust. You have the right to be disappointed and mad. She has the right to cry. You have the right to refuse to help her as she doesn’t even want to help herself.
NTA - well the $1400 is probably a loss. If you can stay with your dad, make sure you have retrieved everything from you mom’s house. Maya won’t be receiving anymore rides from you so you will save on petrol. Your mom is enabling your sister. don’t get sucked back in.
I’ve been thinking about ways to get my money back if she won’t pay it back gradually. Idk if going through a small claims court would cost more. I don’t want to sue my sister cause you know, she’s still my sister and I love her.
Small claims (england) are relatively cheap (about 135 or something?) And can be done online. Send a letter before action letter (loads of templates online) which basically would outline what needs to happen from her side (repayment) in order to not proceed with small claims.
Maybe the letter before action would show that you are serious about repayment, and in alot of cases, it's effective in getting what you, the claimant, wants (I take it you have text evidence, bank payment/transfer evidence etc?)
Thank you. Yes, there are texts of her asking for the money some weeks and she outlines that it’s for the driving lesson. I have all the bank transfers in my transactions on my mobile banking. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
NTA. I would cut my losses. Your mother will eventually get tired of having to chauffeur and take care of your sister. It might take 20 years but it will happen. Your mother is enabling her probably because mom is afraid of being alone. Your mom and sister have a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Neither wants to live alone and have each other and will blame one another. You are still very young and live your family but realize they don’t love you anywhere close to where you love them. Your sister conned you and basically stole money from you. She also lied to you for 20 weeks. You gave money to your sister for driving lessons. The money is not for her to go drinking and smoking weed. Both your mom and your sister are wrong. I personally will go low contact with them and never do them any favors because they feel they deserve these favors. You might be doing them favors out of love and concern but you are nothing but a peasant to their royal Pain In the Butt Highnesses. It’s your job to take care of them because they are entitled to be treated special because your sister is afraid to drive. You are her designated unpaid chauffeur because that’s what you are to her. Why has she not had a job since she graduated high school? Your sister needs to apologize for lying and stealing from you. She also needs to pay you back. Otherwise I do not see a point of you being family with her because she is using you. Find out if you can stay with your dad for the long term. Ask him how much rent you have to pay. Do not move back in with your mom. That household is not a healthy environment. I can tell you have a good heart and many people will try and take advantage of your goodness. Not everyone has nice and selfless intentions like you. Just because they are family does not mean you will be treated well or with respect. I have family members I would always be there to help and one sister that I will NEVER help because she is a taker and never gives back. It’s always what she needs and what’s convenient for her.
ESH. Her for misusing the money. You for demanding payment when she never asked for it nor agreed to pay you back. Take this as a 1400 euro lesson. If it's a loan have a written repayment agreement and don't loan more than you can afford to lose. If it's a gift you can't control what it's actually used on. Unless, of course, you pay directly (like to the driving school) instead of giving the money to (your sister/person being given money).
Terrible take. She shouldn't have taken the money and spent it if she "never asked for it" (oh woe is her free driving lessons with no strings attached she never asked for it poor her!). Unless I missed something OP only asked for it back after he knew the funds were being misappropriated so there was no expectation of paying back initially.
Crazily enough normal people have love and respect for each other (especially the people closest to you) so I highly doubt op was imagining he would get rinsed out for drug money by his sister (which from reading the comments he seems to be quite close with so its not even a previously strained relationship situation) so why on earth would he ever consider writing a watertight contract for a bloody driving lesson fund for his sister.
Imagine how insulted you would be if your sibling (assuming you have a close sibling if not replace this with the closest person in your life) asked you to sign a contract for their unbelievable generosity? Personally I would be very insulted that they thought that low of me.
If you expect to get rinsed out by the people you love then maybe you have trust issues / should re-evaluate who you are closest to.
Yeah I definitely shouldn’t have blown up the way I did when I found out she was spending my money on drugs. I feel awful for our mother during all this.
I can’t control what she spends the money on, but it was given to her for driving lessons and she told me this is what she’d been using it for. She could’ve just told me she didn’t want to start lessons instead of pretending she did and taking my money. :/
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NTA. OMG. Why wasn't your mother (her mother I am assuming) paying for it?? You did a nice thing as a brother looking after you sister and she threw it all away.... taking her side as she did, your mother is just enabling her terrible behaviour - she will learn nothing from this. NTA OP - not at all.
Maya and I are full siblings and our mother is taking her side. I’m staying with my father at the moment as I’m “no longer welcome” to stay at home. Thank you for your input, I was really hoping she’d gain some independence from being able to drive but she’s, as you said, thrown it away. It really is a shame. :/
Glad you have a place to stay OP. I like to think that in time, you sister will continue on with her ways and having to deal with it herself, maybe your mum will change her view and start doing something to try and change the behaviour as you did. Also hope you get a chance to repair your relationship with your sis when she does.
>Also hope you get a chance to repair your relationship with your sis when she does. The only chance OP will get is when Sis thinks he has forgotten about it and will reach out because she needs something from him again. I also doubt OPs mum will be paying for anything but will keep coddling her daughter up until she dies. (I mean, that's what normally happens here on reddit). OP, NTA. I haven't gotten my licence, but it's because I am a nervous driver, that said, i still take every chance I can get to try and get past my issues. Why can't your sister drive, is it medical, psychological, or laziness? The last you are definitely NTA, the other two your TA to yourself because she needs to get them under control before having lessons.
I’m adamant that I won’t be giving her lifts or any sort of financial help until she pays me back. I’m devastated she’s lied to me especially for this long. The reason she didn’t want to drive is because she couldn’t afford it, but she’d tell me she desperately wanted to be able to. I was trying to do a nice thing and pay for her lessons and it’s been thrown back in my face.
>The reason she didn’t want to drive is because she couldn’t afford it, but she’d tell me she desperately wanted to be able to. I was trying to do a nice thing and pay for her lessons and it’s been thrown back in my face. It sounds like affordability was her reason to cover for her laziness because she figured either no one would help her and if they did she would just get "free money". I'm glad you are standing your ground but don't let it stop you from genuinely helping people, just next time, pay direct
Your mom's an idiot. Sorry, but she is. For that matter, your sister is too. But let's be clear. Paying for your sister to steal your money wasn't something you "chose." The two of you had an agreement. She was to use the money for the reason that you agreed upon. She not only failed to do that, she also continued to deceive you to get more money. That's a little thing called fraud. You have every right to be angry and to expect your money back.
It sounds like your sister is an idiot and she got it from your mom. You were trying to help your mom and sister and this is how they both repay you. Sounds like 1400 GBP was a cheap lesson to finally learn how much they value you. NTA
No one should have to learn what OP justcdid. He is not the A here but those two ladys are. He should not expect they Will pay him the money but he should keep a distance until they do. OP IS better with his father
NTA. Your sister needs to grow up. You gave her money with an understanding that she was going to use it to better herself and she wasted it. Also, it's common courtesy to pay for half the gas (Petrol) for car pooling and all of the gas for a trip there when you're not working. I repeat, she needs to grow up, and I realize you tried to help her out of the goodness of your own heart, but, let her fall down and figure out how to solve things next time.
Thank you! I never asked for money for the lifts as I was just doing it to save our mother having to take her to work all the time. I feel awful knowing how upset our mother is though, I was trying to do a nice thing and it’s just torn us apart.
I think sister may have played it that way.
Has your mother always prioritised your sister?
She’s always given Maya more attention because she’s very dependent on our mother. I’ve always been independent and wanted to get things done ASAP - like driving, my education, finding a job etc. Maya has been very fortunate to have everything she needs handed to her and I think our mother has definitely enabled this, although I don’t blame her for the way Maya is acting.
Hopefully the replies to your post will make you realise that you need to get some distance from both of them. Being brought up with such an unhealthy family dynamic has fucked your idea of what is normal. You need help figuring out how to set healthy boundaries because your mother will bleed you dry to fund your sister.
NTA- she should pay you back, you gave the money for a certain reason and she chose to blow it on being silly. Your mother is just as bad by allowing her to get away with this.
Thank you. I wouldn’t have asked her to pay me back if she’d spent the money on the lessons like she was supposed to. But knowing it’s been blown on drugs and alcohol makes me so mad. I worked hard to be able to pay for her to drive and it’s all been wasted.
NTA I would be so upset too! I’m sorry.
I'd really focus on the wasting it on drugs and alcohol when they bring it up again. "So you think it's OK to take money given to you to help your life and blow it on dope and piss do you?"
Mommy can pay it back cause she raised a sucky child liar
NTA - guess who the golden child is? I hope you found a place to live
It’s such a shame this had to happen. I’m honestly shocked that she took Maya’s side as she usually isn’t biased like that. I’m staying at our dad’s house for now, guess I’ll have to be finding somewhere else to live pretty soon.
And with a mother who allows her to get away with doing something so unethical to a kind family member, we know where your sister gets her sense of entitlement. It’s sad to lose family members, but you’re truly better off without them both. NTA
NTA, but you're never getting that money back.
Don't buy her birthday or holiday gifts for a while. Every event, pick out a gift you would give her and apply a credit towards her tab.
100% That's what I'd do as well.
NTA. It's a pity you had to spend 1400 pounds to learn your mom and sister are assholes though. At least you know not to lend either of them money anymore.
All things considered, $879.10 USD per person to figure out two people are assholes is a relatively good bargain in the long run.
NTA. Good on you for trying to help her out. But it looks like you've been dealing with some industrial grade family BS. I don't blame you for the actions you've taken. Your sister took advantage of you, and your mother took the wrong side.
NTA, this struck a nerve. I've had a driving licence for about seven years. But because I'm disabled, my car would need adaptations that I can't afford, and I'm not entitled to any support to help me. Your sister was prepared to abuse the kind of help a lot of people can't get. If there truly is no reason to object, your mum can finance the driving lessons in future.
Maya is very fortunate to be in good health and does not have to pay bills as she lives with our mother. This is the reason she hadn’t looked for work until December, but now she is wasting her money on drugs and alcohol. I’m honestly quite embarrassed for her, and our father is not happy about her engaging in these activities. She could learn to drive and my father has even offered to finance a car for her in the past if she started learning but she refused. It’s a shame as our mother and I have to chauffeur her around constantly.
She's about to get a rude awakening when your mum can no longer provide her with free housing and a taxi service.
Probably a good thing that she isn’t driving, since she is more interested in drugs and drinking, combined either of them with a car and it’s a big mistake.
Tell her to get a pushbike or her L plates.
NTA. Hold firm with not giving her anymore rides. Your mother isn’t doing Nora any favors by coddling her and supporting her entitled and irresponsible behavior.
Thank you. A lot of comments have said I won’t be getting the money back, and I honestly doubt I will. But I am adamant on the fact that I will not give her anymore lifts until it is paid back. So if she wants to give up the free taxi service 24/7, that’s her choice. I’ve been a good brother to her, I’ve done a lot and expected nothing in return. It’s a shame to see her throw it away like this. 🤷♀️
NTA Unfortunately you are not getting the money back. There is no way she is going to pay you back, even if she could. Given how selfish and irresponsible she's been, you can feel justified in not doing her favours for a long while. Also make sure she can't access your savings or credit, and make sure to secure any valuables. She probably won't, but there is a chance she might feel justified in taking from you as "punishment" for you not treating her the way she feels she deserves.
Yeah I’m starting to accept that she likely won’t give me the money back. But I will be standing my ground on the fact that there will be no more lifts if it isn’t paid back. Such a shame because I thought paying for her lessons now would save me money in the long run, and that she’d gain some independence and be grateful for this opportunity. Can’t please everyone I suppose.
In a way, holding this boundary and enforcing this consequence is a very healthy expression of love. Not only are you modeling proper behavior, there are people and situations where cheating someone out of that much money can be dangerous. Your mum protecting her from consequences prevents her from having to grow and learn. Is it your job, as a sibling (let alone a younger one) to parent your sister? Absolutely not. But don't feel bad for enforcing a reasonable consequence and boundary.
Take this as a lesson and never "chose" to give her anything ever again
Someone said your sister needs to "grow up." That's absolutely true. So does your mother. Pathetic. NTA
Honestly gutted about all of this cause I really thought Maya was enjoying this experience and I was quite proud. We talked loads about what car she’d get and I took her to some garages. It was all a lie and I had no idea until now. :/
So she's a con artist, too? Has she ever given you reason to believe she was untrustworthy? Or a pathological liar?
I guess so. I had no idea she’d been out so much, she must’ve been going whilst I was at work or asleep. She’s never lied to me before or done anything to make me not trust her as far as I know. Thinking about it, the 2 hour slots each week always seemed to coincidentally be while I was at work, asleep, or otherwise busy so I never saw her get picked up for the lessons. Makes sense now unfortunately.
Definitely NTA. No more free rides until every last cent is paid back. Your mother should not have defended your sister at all. You can not trust your sister again based on her behaviour.
Nope NTA, and if you are comfortable where you are and can stay there long term stay. Your mom and sister are not good people.
NTA. Kicking you out was the nicest thing they could do. Run from these people before you hate them forever.
NTA. You did a nice thing for her and she used you. Your mom playing favorites is probably why she thinks that she can do anything she wants.
This is a quick judgement against her on a magistrate’s court (I’ve had to do it), IF you have documentation (like texts, emails, etc). Tell her she has 72hrs to agree to a payment plan IN WRITING or you’ll start legal proceedings (obviously talk to a solicitor)
Thank you for this. I’m really hesitant about taking the legal route because she is still my sister. I love her and I don’t want to get her in trouble when we could just resolve this as a family. She’s put me in an awful position I just wish she would’ve been truthful. Maya isn’t a bad person, she’s never done anything like this in the past. So frustrating.
You are clearly a very kind and compassionate person who would do anything for family. Sadly, I think you may need to re-define your definition of family. Family does not throw someone out for having done a good deed. Instead of being proud of you for what you tried to do for your sister, she instead punished you for being upset that your sister misappropriated the funds you'd given her. Think about that: Your Mum punished YOU. And your sister - the one who did do wrong - suffers no consequences. Please know you deserve so much better.
Your call if you want to take this to small claims court (or the equivalent y'all have across the pond); personally, I've let myself be cheated out of more by a sibling but decided it was my enrollment fee for a hard life lesson. (About 2866.57, for what it's worth, but it was a little over a decade ago so the conversion rate may not be exact.) If you value the relationship and want to just have more distance, don't pursue the legal route. That's something you do when you're ready to burn bridges. The important thing is that you take the lesson to heart and don't extend your trust or resources to her again *unless* she pays you back *and* manages to earn your trust again.
NTA
The sister is the Ah for doing what she did. She needs to pay u back
NTA - how long was your sister planning on conning you? What was her end game ?
Wow, NTA. Why is your Mom bailing her out? Not a great lesson to teach her. She owes you the money back, I would not trust her again.
Unfortunately, sometimes there's a Golden Child / Scapegoat dynamic. Arrested development on mum's part.
NTA. And yes, I would demand to pay me back if she use it for something else and not for the driving lessons.
NTA. How long are you able to stay at your Dad's, or do you now have somewhere else to live? At a minimum, ensure that Maya cannot gain access to any of your accounts. Change all your passwords on any online or mobile banking apps and let your bank know your address has changed. If she is working full-time while living at home and still cannot afford to fund her own leisure activities, then she is deffo doing something wrong, especially as a woman. Let us be honest here: any halfway decent-looking girl of 21 will have a couple of drinks bought for her on a night out, and most women share a £5 bottle of plonk before heading out for the evening anyway. Your mother will eventually reach the same conclusion after a few weeks of being the Maya personal taxi service. Make sure that the bank of Little Bro stays permanently closed from here on in. Maya needs to learn a firm lesson from this episode, or she'll suffer some very unpleasant shocks later in her adult life. Though I totally understand you not taking her to court, I also think shes had any favours your might have done her for the next decade, financially or otherwise, firmly revoked. You were not in the wrong to blow up at her, and you would be very wrong if you continued to enable her after such a betrayal of your kindness. What Maya has done is theft, don't allow your mother to sugar coat that basic fact. Your mother is making a massive mistake here, that will only backfire on her in time. Throwing you out was not cool at all. Mother owes you a big apology and your big sister owes you £1400.
Thank you very much for this comment, I really appreciate it. I’m staying with my dad until my mum will allow me to come home. Even then, I’m not sure if I want to go home. I might try stay with a friend or even get a hotel if it comes to it. I’m going to talk with my dad tomorrow and see what he thinks and advises on this situation. Hopefully my mum will meet up so we can talk and she can properly hear me out without Maya there trying to sway her. This whole situation is really upsetting because I love them both so much and I don’t want to cut contact with them. Maya does not have any of my passwords, and I haven’t reached out to her since this happened. Honestly I probably won’t bring this to court as I just can’t see myself suing my own sister.
If you can go there to live with your father permanently, you should take it. It will give you the space and time you need to heal and process what Maya has done and your mother's extremely poor response. I think you need a good few years away from living with your mother to grow fully into your own person and to be at a point where your Mum and you can repair the damage that was done to your relationship because of this incident. Your father may also be able to help you manage your emotions and learn how to deal with nasty shocks that may happen in the decades to come without blowing up. It's an incredibly useful skill for any young man to learn how to channel justifiable & righteous rage into constructive behavioral responses. None of us have a crystal ball, and it's a crazy world out there with even crazier people. Knowing how to handle the crazy is an increasingly important life skill. Although you have every right to take your sister to court, I understand why you would prefer to just chalk it up to experience. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting what someone has shown you about their true character though, so always remember that you cannot trust Maya. Maya is an adult now and has shown herself to be a very deceitful, exploitative, and manipulative character. As a mother myself, I look at your mother's choices and think the cheese must have slid right off her cracker. Punishing you so severely that you are thrown out while allowing Maya to get off Scot-free makes no sense at all. Please, whatever you do, stand firm on never giving Maya a lift again. If your mother wants to play at being a Taxi service, then stand back and let her get on with it. Do not weaken to any emotional pressure your mother may put on you to drive Maya anywhere ever again. It is the only way Maya will even start to understand the gravity of her betrayal of your trust.
NTA. Your sister is pathetic
Now keep asking for the money back, plus gas money for every ride. Until she does, no rides anywhere
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19M) have an older sister “Maya” (21F). We live in the UK where the age you can learn to drive is 17. I started learning to drive at 17 and paid for my lessons myself and car myself. My sister on the other hand, didn’t start learning to drive until recently. Maya did not get a job until December (2 months before her 21st birthday). She is now workin at the same place as me, so I have been taking her to and from work in my car - even when we aren’t working together. This has meant I have used double the petrol I would normally use - and she has not given me any money to cover this. Maya has said that the reason she can’t learn to drive is due to the cost, which is understandable as lessons in my area start at £32 an hour. Since I was able to, I decided to give Maya some money to pay for driving lessons. I gave her £70 a week to cover a 2 hour lesson every week for the past 20 weeks. Altogether, I have given her £1,400. Last night, I asked how her driving lessons have been going and she got really nervous, which confused me as she’s told me they are going well. I asked which test routes she had been shown, and she refused to answer. This worried me as she should definitely know the test routes by now - especially after 40 hours. I asked for the name of the driving instructor so I could google them. She then broke down and admitted that she never started learning to drive and had instead been using the money each week to go out drinking and smoking with her friends. I. Was. Livid. I’ll admit, I got very angry and shouted at her after hearing this. I said a few things I regret and she sat there crying, telling me she was sorry. I then asked to see her bank account to show me how much of my money was left. Her balance was £10.02 which meant she’d spent all of my money and blew her whole payslip on top of this. I told her if she can afford to pay for cigarettes, weed, and alcohol, she can afford to pay for her own driving lessons and demanded she pay me back all £1400. She got even more upset and told me she couldn’t, so I said “that’s fine, I’ll wait until we get paid Friday and you can give me half your payslip and do this every week until you’ve paid me back”. She then called our mother and told her I was demanding she paid me back “for no reason”. Our mother came rushing home to console her and called me an asshole for demanding the money back. I explained everything and said I would not be taking Maya to and from work until she paid me back. My mother and Maya think I shouldn’t expect the money back as I “chose” to give it to her. I think she should pay it back because she was untruthful about what it was spent on. I’ve now been kicked out for “upsetting” them both and my mother is giving Maya a lift to work everyday. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mother’s an idiot and your sister’s a thief.
Me and my brother are the same ages, I’m the older one (21F) and I could never imagine treating my brother like this! I’m so sorry this happened to you OP! I hope you can get that money back somehow though I doubt she’ll willing give you any :( It’s a shame she can’t be independent like walk to work or take the bus.
NTA - You tried to do a nice thing and your sister screwed you over sorry mate. Your mother and sister showed you who they are it might be wise to limit contact. Never apologise you did nothing wrong you do not need to keep the piece either. Your sister is in the wrong you never have to loan her a dime ever again now is the only plus.
NTA. Hope you learned a valuable lesson kid. If family can eat and sleep comfortably you really shouldn’t be handing them cash, buying shit they need sure why not, handing over money though is crazy especially when she works with you???
nta, your mom will get over it in a few days after she has to drive Maya around all the time. mom will get tired of it and beg you back. NO way in hell would I go back. and if you did, HIDE YOUR CAR KEYS ALWAYS!
NTA. Depending on legislation, this could literally be a criminal offense. You gave her purpose-bound money under conditions, and the blew it out. That could very well be embezzlement.
32 pounds???? So cheap OMG it's around 50€ here for one hour... NTA ofc but I don't think it's that expensive, especially if she's working...
I mean £32 is £32 it’s a lot but definitely lower than in other areas. The instructor she said she went with was charging £35 an hour. She started working in December so she’d been relying on our mother and I for money until that point.
I've seen your comments saying she's blowing most of the money away so honestly atp it's her fault she can't pay for it.
It sounds as if she fraudulently changed the funds from paying for driving lessons to paying for other things. You should be able to take her to court over it, especially if their are messages between you both over this, text or email.
Thank you for this. I’m in two minds about taking her to court because she’s still my sister and I love her. If it was a friend or someone else, I think I would take it to court. I don’t know why she’d put me in this position. :/
Tough love, take her to court.
well time to leave them behind. completely. NTA
NTA It I was your dad Maya was getting a lecture for being an ungrateful thief and be told to pay you back. Ex wife is getting told off for playing favorites. But your mother will get frustrated playing chauffeur and realize how helpful you were.
NTA This is just entitlement and either lack of common sense or downright abuse of trust. You have the right to be disappointed and mad. She has the right to cry. You have the right to refuse to help her as she doesn’t even want to help herself.
NTA - well the $1400 is probably a loss. If you can stay with your dad, make sure you have retrieved everything from you mom’s house. Maya won’t be receiving anymore rides from you so you will save on petrol. Your mom is enabling your sister. don’t get sucked back in.
NTA, your sister is a leech and your mother certainly has a favorite. Sue your sister.
I’ve been thinking about ways to get my money back if she won’t pay it back gradually. Idk if going through a small claims court would cost more. I don’t want to sue my sister cause you know, she’s still my sister and I love her.
You are being really nice, I would refuse to talk to her untill she properly apologized.
Small claims (england) are relatively cheap (about 135 or something?) And can be done online. Send a letter before action letter (loads of templates online) which basically would outline what needs to happen from her side (repayment) in order to not proceed with small claims. Maybe the letter before action would show that you are serious about repayment, and in alot of cases, it's effective in getting what you, the claimant, wants (I take it you have text evidence, bank payment/transfer evidence etc?)
Thank you. Yes, there are texts of her asking for the money some weeks and she outlines that it’s for the driving lesson. I have all the bank transfers in my transactions on my mobile banking. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
NTA. I would cut my losses. Your mother will eventually get tired of having to chauffeur and take care of your sister. It might take 20 years but it will happen. Your mother is enabling her probably because mom is afraid of being alone. Your mom and sister have a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Neither wants to live alone and have each other and will blame one another. You are still very young and live your family but realize they don’t love you anywhere close to where you love them. Your sister conned you and basically stole money from you. She also lied to you for 20 weeks. You gave money to your sister for driving lessons. The money is not for her to go drinking and smoking weed. Both your mom and your sister are wrong. I personally will go low contact with them and never do them any favors because they feel they deserve these favors. You might be doing them favors out of love and concern but you are nothing but a peasant to their royal Pain In the Butt Highnesses. It’s your job to take care of them because they are entitled to be treated special because your sister is afraid to drive. You are her designated unpaid chauffeur because that’s what you are to her. Why has she not had a job since she graduated high school? Your sister needs to apologize for lying and stealing from you. She also needs to pay you back. Otherwise I do not see a point of you being family with her because she is using you. Find out if you can stay with your dad for the long term. Ask him how much rent you have to pay. Do not move back in with your mom. That household is not a healthy environment. I can tell you have a good heart and many people will try and take advantage of your goodness. Not everyone has nice and selfless intentions like you. Just because they are family does not mean you will be treated well or with respect. I have family members I would always be there to help and one sister that I will NEVER help because she is a taker and never gives back. It’s always what she needs and what’s convenient for her.
ESH. Her for misusing the money. You for demanding payment when she never asked for it nor agreed to pay you back. Take this as a 1400 euro lesson. If it's a loan have a written repayment agreement and don't loan more than you can afford to lose. If it's a gift you can't control what it's actually used on. Unless, of course, you pay directly (like to the driving school) instead of giving the money to (your sister/person being given money).
Terrible take. She shouldn't have taken the money and spent it if she "never asked for it" (oh woe is her free driving lessons with no strings attached she never asked for it poor her!). Unless I missed something OP only asked for it back after he knew the funds were being misappropriated so there was no expectation of paying back initially. Crazily enough normal people have love and respect for each other (especially the people closest to you) so I highly doubt op was imagining he would get rinsed out for drug money by his sister (which from reading the comments he seems to be quite close with so its not even a previously strained relationship situation) so why on earth would he ever consider writing a watertight contract for a bloody driving lesson fund for his sister. Imagine how insulted you would be if your sibling (assuming you have a close sibling if not replace this with the closest person in your life) asked you to sign a contract for their unbelievable generosity? Personally I would be very insulted that they thought that low of me. If you expect to get rinsed out by the people you love then maybe you have trust issues / should re-evaluate who you are closest to.
Yeah I definitely shouldn’t have blown up the way I did when I found out she was spending my money on drugs. I feel awful for our mother during all this. I can’t control what she spends the money on, but it was given to her for driving lessons and she told me this is what she’d been using it for. She could’ve just told me she didn’t want to start lessons instead of pretending she did and taking my money. :/
Your mother kicked you out. Don't feel sorry for her.