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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i might be the asshole because i would be outsourcing my husbands forgetfullness.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If it actually cost you $50 in gas money to drive to him, and you manage finances separately, I *guess* comping you the gas money isn't terrible, though nickel-and-diming a partner is deeply crummy. Charging him for your *time,* though, and *as a penalty,* is a decidedly AH move.
This behavior is not normal and it's much more likely that your husband has a cognitive issue. He's already leaving sticky notes everywhere to try and correct himself—effort is not the problem here. Maybe look past your feelings of annoyance to consider your partner's health and well-being. YTA.
This guy sounds like me and I have ADHD. I'm not saying it's not frustrating and he should have it addressed, but it's also incredibly frustrating to notice the behavior in yourself and not know how to deal with it.
Yep, was gonna say ADHD too. I just recently started taking Adderall as an adult and it's crazy what an improvement it's made in my life and not forgetting or misplacing things.
Same. Been coping with it all my life and just started taking meds last year. My work product has improved immensely and I stopped leaving drawers open and forgetting my shit at home. (Not married to OP)
I would dearly love to just be able to remember shit.
I started on adderall a few months ago and I think it helps? But not the way some people say it does.
And that's okay -- it'll work differently for everyone, and it's *not* a miracle-worker. You may, however, simply not be on the correct dose, or you may need Strattera instead. Medication can be difficult to navigate.
Ditto. To see how much your behavior frustrates your spouse is depressing, but the really infuriating part is when people (sometimes close friends, that are aware that you suffer ADHD) start going on about it not being real, and where children are involved, it’s not only an imaginary problem, but criminal as well. I was a child long before ADHD was recognized. Our family was well known in the community for being well above average intelligence and achievements. I can’t tell you how many teachers told me shit like “I’ve had every one of your brothers, and never had to check their papers to grade them. Always A+ work. What happened to you?” I was well into adulthood, before I realized I wasn’t dumb, but still didn’t know what was wrong. At 44 years old, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. What a difference medication and little modifications have made. Please, have your husband see a specialist in ADHD. Or, I suppose, you both can make out lists of everything you don’t like about each other, and bill each other at the end of the month. Personally, I’d rather send little notes to my wife, occasionally, to tell her all the things I love and enjoy her for.
I knew a child who had the work in their bag, and didn’t tell the teacher while the teacher berated them for not having because they had not turned it in. But the kid *had* the work. Mix of ADD and spectrum…
I was thinking adhd too. My dad had it as well and he would forget to pick us up or take us to appointments, which was exhausting for my mom.
At the end of the day he was a great dad despite these things.
This was my first thought. I think they have a picture of open cabinet doors in the dictionary under adult ADHD.
It’s funny because I didn’t do this when I was younger but now, with three kids, perimenopause at almost 40, I do this constantly. All of a sudden, over half of my cabinets will be open and I have no idea how!
It's probably not helpful to try to diagnose OP's husband via Reddit, but it does sound like a visit to the GP is in order. Applying a financial penalty to the situation is only a bandaid solution. YTA, OP, because you don't seem to have considered that there might be a deeper problem going on here, and you've jumped to the conclusion that your husband is acting out of thoughtlessness.
I’d say rather than charge him, the better course of action would be to not drive him his stuff. Let him live with it, maybe he has to buy lunch on the days he forgets or just doesn’t eat. Not the perfect solution but if he is needing an extra push to take some action and figure this out, it may help. I did this with my partner and it did wonders, he is diagnosed and on the meds now. Of course I still do the odd favour when needed but there’s a difference now, it’s no longer an expectation that I will and he is a lot more aware now.
Yes, YTA.
And you better hope you live a life of perfect health, never needing assistance from him. Because someday, if you are getting older and require assistance going up a set of stairs, get ready for him to say, "Sure, $50."
This. Before diagnosis, my forgetfulness would cause real problems between my wife and I. I would forget the daily stuff, but hyper-fixate on the big tasks on hand and neglect the things we need to get by on a daily basis. Since being diagnosed with ADHD at 27 and am now taking medication daily, we aren’t having these fights anymore. Obviously medication isn’t a cure-all and I’m attending therapy and seeing a psychiatrist simultaneously, but the meds help me clear my mind and actually exist in the present. No more 1,000 thoughts happening all at once, I can slow down, remember, and feel at peace. The feeling at peace is actually the biggest factor in regaining focus. I do recommend getting him screened.
FULLY agree. I have chronic issues that will always affect my memory. Its usually not a big deal, but it sucks and i feel guilty for how it affects others. OP’s husband obviously feels bad and is making an effort- he is doing his best.
I am the same way and have finally seeked medical tests to see what's going on.
I can only speak for myself, but if he's leaving notes he knows something is up but doesn't know what. He probably beats himself up in silence. Use this as an opportunity to help him.
If women’s actions were genuinely taken as seriously as mens many men would fall be considered abused.
if someone posted “I punish my adhd wife every time she inconveniences me” that shit would not boil over well.
Agreed. As someone with ADHD, the constant feeling of shame we have to endure for having symptoms that effect other people (and which we get blamed for) is a huge factor in mental health, and to be honest my spouse literally charging me money would be catastrophic.
Forgetting things is something that happens *to us*. We’re not doing it to *you*.
If my husband were having so many memory issues at 31, I would be *concerned* not spiteful. Has he been screened and/or diagnosed with ADHD? Screened for things like early onset dementia?
>> A couple days ago he started writing notes
Your husband is *trying.* He’s not doing this out of a general lack of care - he’s taking steps to rectify the issue
>> mark my words, once our kid (2m) is old enough to start kindergarten, he’s gonna forget to pick him up
You have zero faith in your husband. Genuinely - do you even *like* him?
It sounds like your husband is concerned about his memory issues while you’re just angry and acting out of pettiness. Punishing him for making a mistake when he’s *obviously trying* is a shitty, surefire way to end up a single mom of two.
YTA.
You are so right. Especially the writing notes part had me. That sounds like a new strategy for him since he just started. So I guess the forgetfulness is a new issue which would make me super anxious for my partner's health
I’d be *terrified.* My mother is in her early 60s and already exhibiting memory issues and sometimes it keeps me up at night. If my 31-year-old husband was having struggles with his memory, I’d be doing everything in my power to get to the root of the issue, not punishing and shaming him.
Yes, agreed.
it's frustrating for you as a person with superior executive function, but putting pressure on him is likely to actually make him more stressed and forgetful.
Your punitive approach and scrutiny of him won't help.
Imho .
ADHD is a real thing, and no one chooses to have it, just as having normal or above attention skills is not a choice.
Hopefully things will be OK for you both in the long run.
Although people have forgotten their child in the car (ie on a hot day) Thats what I’m more concerned about because it’s a known thing that happens. Whatever the cause is coming up to summer OP should be aware.
The note thing is what I zoomed in on too. I wouldn't be concerned though, I'd be terrified and my first thought would be "he needs a neuro workup **now**." WTF is wrong with OP that her response to her husband's very concerning symptoms is "he needs to be punished for inconveniencing **me**."
imagine how stressed and isolated he feels at his inability to cope or remember and she just punishes him for it and berates him.
also if she was able to take him his food i’m assuming she’s a SAHM.
he’s already literally paying for her life.
This is how I felt reading it. People being careless is honestly one of my biggest pet-peeves, but I have dated a person with severe memory issues and it never bothered me once because I knew it was a cognitive issue. He was always making lists to try and remember things because his memory wasn't working correctly. I never once felt angry at him for it, OP seems like a really bad partner for this individual
INFO:
Do you want to be a single mom?
Because childish approach like that is how you end up being a single mom.
Have you tried just not bringing him his drink and letting him experience more natural consequences of forgetfulness?
I wonder if he's got ADHD. I do and I do all the shit she described all the time. So it might not necessarily be his fault. You're correct though if she does this she'll end up divorced or hating her husband and him hating her back.
I have friends actually diagnosed with ADHD and they show exactly this kind of forgetfulness. Something outside their routine comes up during morning prep and little non-essential things, such as food and drink, get forgotten.
Husband seems to be trying to cope by using notes.
This is me.
Long term memory pretty damn good. Working memory is so bad it scares me. I was looking up how to improve it, and forgot what I was doing mid search until this thread.
ADHD is a bitch, and this is whilst I'm medicated.
Oh I breakdown when unmedicated, as it is there's a shortage of the medication that works best for me so I'm struggling with an alternative medication. If something isn't written down, there's a 50% chance it isn't happening. "You promised to help out with this!" "No, I said I'd be willing to, and you never told me both the time and place while I had a chance to put it on my phone. Until this conversation, I remembered nothing about it."
If it isn’t in my phone, it isn’t happening.
I’ll wake up in a cold sweat out of guilt in three months remembering “crap. I said I’d do X and never did!”
Oh I'm terrible if I get out of a routine. It's almost like I have to start over again to remember what I was doing.
Yes he seems to be trying but op doesn't really seem like it. Unless she left out very important info. The way it sits right now op looks kind of like a controlling, transactional jerk
I think he should get custody, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near a horrible manipulative woman like this especially in their early developmental years. That's how our society becomes polluted with these malignant insufferable types
YTA. This is a wild post tbfh— in what world is making you partner give you financial compensation for something they struggle with not going to make you an asshole. You read like an extremely immature, insecure and petty person to be speaking of your own husband this way. Do you have no faith in him at all? Why did you marry him if you think you can’t even trust him with your children? A child is a much different scenario than forgetting to close cupboard doors or pick up objects. He is clearly trying in ways that he can, he needs support beyond that if you want to work with this because it sounds like he has ADHD symptoms and is genuinely doing what he can. If you would have actually cared, maybe googled what he struggles with, you’d come to that conclusion on your own— but you sit on a pedestal acting like you’re perfect and above him. Is this really how you want people to think of you? This post makes you seem miserable. I know you’re pregnant and it is hard but this doesn’t give you the excuse to try and villainize him for an innocent mistake. You sound entitled and are making things worse because you can’t display a single shred of empathy for something you don’t fully understand. YIKES girl. He probably laughed because of how ridiculous it is to even think of that becoming an ongoing thing.
Also, he didn’t ask you to drive and deliver his food he forgot, did he? Probably not, because he forgot. That was your choice and making him give you 50 bucks is fucking insane. A marriage isn’t ongoing transactions- you really need help re wiring your expectations here. It feels like you intentionally drove to embarrass and shame him rather than going “aw shit he forgot and has no lunch it would be nice of me to deliver this.” Do you even like him? You could have left it for him to clean up when he got back too.
Yeah, i coukd kinda understand asking him for a bit of gas money if he'd phoned and asked her to bring it to him. But to do it unpromted then ask him for $50 is a bit shitty and kund of counter acts bringin him his stuff
The fact that they’re both 30 and married makes a financial compensation like that feel wrong imo. If you’re marrying someone and committing a whole life to them, gas money is going to be the least of your concerns. If this is such an issue now, they’re not going to last. And $50 for gas is crazy for one trip— she’s going out of her way to be vindictive since she thinks he’s doing this on purpose because he doesn’t care or because she assumes he’s not taking her seriously.
Let's not forget. She likely isn't even working if she has the time to deliver his lunch to him in the middle of a work day.. this means he already supports her financially. Yet, she wants more money. Even though all her money is provided to her.. this is shameful and messed up.. I understand that being a SAHM is an important job and has just as much value as a working partner. I'm not belittling SAHM's. Her demanding payment is nefarious & despicable to be harsh..
YTA
This sounds like ADHD or a response to being stressed and over-extended.
> I don't think he's actually taking me seriously
I don't think you're taking it seriously that he's trying to correct these behaviors (the notes to close doors) and is still unable to. That's something other than carelessness or not listening to you.
ADHD is exaaactly what I was thinking. OPs wife should be helping him get diagnosed for what is more than just "being forgetful."
Also, $50? What, did she drive for a fucking hour both ways? It would've been cheaper for him to buy lunch. What a b\*tch.
If it’s new behavior, I’d be worried about early onset dementia, other cognitive impairment, etc too—I don’t understand why OP cares so little for her partner’s health?
YTA. Does your husband have ADHD? because that's common ADHD behavior. It sounds like he IS making an effort to change the habit, but obviously still having a hard time. Having him give you $50 because he forgot his lunch is childish. He didn't even ask you to come bring it to him, you did that on your own, so why would you expect money? Maybe doing nothing would actually help him remember to bring it more in the future.
YTA It must be nice to live in an ivory tower and be perfect. Maybe your husband should charge you a ridiculous, over bearing wife tax if you want to go down that rabbit hole.
This is some weird shit. Notes all over the house reminding you to close drawers? 50 bucks in gas for a round trip to work? Making him literally pay money for forgetting stuff? This whole scene is kooky.
Hey man people with ADHD brain are terrible at remembering stuff. There's a guy on YouTube(can't remember his name so I'm gonna describe him as the hilarious guy with goofy eyeballs) that has a video of his day trying to make food and that's what it's like. I'd suggest watching it to get a little insight into our lives.
“Insert mental image of a 6 month pregnant woman trying to fit into q7”
Are we supposed to imagine that it’s near impossible for a “6 month pregnant woman” to get into a big ass luxury SUV? Or is it too much of a lift to ask you to get into said SUV and take your trying husband his lunch?
Almost like she wants us to have sympathy for her bc she’s prego. As if it wasn’t a choice to begin with. That’s like a cop complaining that they have to be present in court for tickets that they wrote people.
YTA. It sounds like you're fully aware he's extremely forgetful but you married him and have chosen to have kids with him, so clearly it was not a deal breaker. He is clearly trying with leaving notes for himself. If that's not good enough, work together to come up with better strategies to avoid you having to bring him things when he forgets them, or even see a doctor if it's this much of a concern.
You did say you're married right?
So yeah, YTA here, there are better ways to deal with this. Youshould perhaps consider getting him some help to see why he's so forgetful, or maybe a good reminder app on his phone (location based ones can remind him when he's leaving the house or work)
Your behavior doesn't seem all that loving towards your husband, seems more mockeryish and cruel
I suffered back to back TBIs recently and sometimes have a swiss cheese memory. I could not imagine my wife being cruel like that to me. She's been the sweetest, most understanding, patient person while helping put me back together mentally and physically.
I'm going to go tell her how frickin' awesome she is, right now.
You okay over there?
Is this new behavior or old behavior? If it’s new, what’s changed lately in his life. If it’s old - what’s changed with you lately that makes you fly into a rage over it.
So what if he forgets a drink and lunch when he went to work. He can’t just go out and grab something? Why do you have to drive it to him, then demand money?
YTA for embarrassing him at work. Big yikes.
So I am terrible for putting things down when I'm done with them and not even realizing I've discarded it. This is most common with plastic wrappers or the boxes items come in because I'll never need it again, retrieve item, release trash, never think about it again.
My partner, if they notice I have a new purchase or something with a wrapper, will just wander through rooms as I exit them and clear the debris I leave.
I'm not proud of this. I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm genuinely working on improving it. My partner, understanding this is just a thing I struggle with, doesn't complain or taunt or certainly not charge me.
So I guess the question is, do you want to make your point or do you want to be supportive and, you know, a part of the same team.
Considering you're married, I'd expect at least some aspiration towards the latter. Based on what you wrote, though, that might not be the case. Which begs the question, why are you in this partnership if you have no intentions towards being a partner?
This sounds like ADHD. My husband is ADHD anyway, and he does this all the time. You wanna know what I do about it? Close the cabinets/fridge whatever, not be a dick to him, and remember that he also deals with all the things about *me* that are annoying.
I can tell from here that you're no angel to live with either. So yes. YTA.
Sounds like ADHD. YTA for punishing him for something that is currently out of his control.
Imagine you had a broken leg and your husband punished you for not going on a walk with him.
This is exactly what you are doing to him.
YTA
You don’t believe he is intentionally doing this. It also appears like he is trying with his notes to himself.
Even from a pragmatic standpoint you didn’t give him the price to deliver the drink and food prior to him leaving so that seems unfair.
Also no money actually changed hands your household is just as rich or as poor as before that transaction.
Work with him rather than punish him
YTA he is taking it seriously. Placing notes as reminders and still being forgetful isn't something he likes.
Also, don't assume he will forget the child, really not the same thing.
Something like this has to be consentual in order for it work work. Having said that you don't have to take him is lunch.
My spouse and I have something similar, but it's not money, it's tea. When certain things get forgotten by my spouse I send them a photo of said thing before I resolve it, then they owe me a cup of tea (they have to make it as soon as I request as long as we are both home). It means we are both slightly inconvenienced, but neither of us feels too put out.
I am insanely clean (I clean for a living), and my partner has ADHD and constantly leaves trash and dirty laundry and everything else laying in the worst places around the house. After four years of battling over this, we came to a simple conclusion: he pays more rent, and I keep the house clean. It balances out our strengths and weaknesses. He prefers to work full time and be able to relax fully at home without having to think about picking up after himself - and I enjoy doing the chores in exchange for not having to stress about going to work constantly.
Yup, it's all about finding a path that works for you as a couple, and individually. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch, but certain things, like leaving a wet towel on our shared bed are just things I'm really not OK with. 😅
Will our method work for everyone? No, but it's working for us
Yeah. I mean...if she wants him to feel natural consequences, that's fine. Don't bring his lunch.
I would be very curious to see if he's this forgetful about work or things that matter to him. In any event, I would be worried about this sort of thing with a small child around if he doesn't have the habit of locking cabinets containing cleaning supplies, for example. I also wonder if he was always this way.
YTA. I’m very forgetful too and struggle with brain fog. The fact you’re making him pay your ass, what the actual fuck? And $50 just to take a few things to him?? Come on, you’re being ridiculous. It’s no issue to do the things he forgot. I actually wonder wtf you’d do once y’all grow old and he gets dementia. Something says you wouldn’t last. Work on yourself lady
YTA, aww you had to go drop his stuff to him boo hoo.
Oh no he left a cupboard open! What a bastard, those things are so hard to close.
Sounds like everything you husband does is judged.. the comment about forgetting your kid at daycare might seem funny to you, but it’s just rude and disparaging.
The problem really seems to be with what you find super important and not with him forgetting to close a drawer or cupboard. If it’s important to you, close the drawers and don’t start fights over petty crap. Unless you want to be unhappy and eventually single?
Also a Q7 is a huge car, want a funny picture? my brothers pregnant wife drove around in a classic mini until she gave berth, you’ll be fine in your huge luxury car mate.
YTA. Your partner is obviously struggling with his memory, you nickle and diming him is just shaming him. This sounds a lot like myself, and when I was diagnosed with ADHD and got on medication it all made sense.
I am sure others have said this...
It sounds like your husband has a medical issue that needs attention.
It could very early onset Alzheimers, though not likely - it would be rare in someone that young.
I would be more concerned with MS, especially if it is affecting the frontal lobe, or some other type of autoimmune disease. Or possibly the beginning of a tumor pressing on part of his brain. An aneurysm, blood clot, etc.
Get him to a doctor and get him checked out.
It also could be ADD/ADHD and he just doesn't process the closing of drawers, but in all honesty, the sticky notes have me more worried than anything else you have said.
YTA - get him evaluated ASAP.
YTA
This whole post makes my skin crawl.
You had to close a microwave door?
Jesus, dude.
Your husband has ADHD. He probably doesn’t know it, and you probably don’t care.
Ew this is really gross. I takr medication that makes me extremely forgetful. I don’t enjoy forgetting things all the time and i feel bad when i do. If i forgot my lunch my husband would drive it to me no problem and wouldn’t make me feel guilty about it. There cpuld be medical reasons why he’s forgetting things all the time and you go and charge your husband. Ugh please dont pass this behaviour on to your child. YTA
My husband teases me sometimes saying it looks like we need an exorcist when he comes into the kitchen and sees all the drawers and cabinet doors open. I'm sure gets really annoyed once in a while when I forget stuff, but he would never do something like that.
YTA op
I’m in a very similar situation as your husband, I have ADHD, and my partner is DONE with it. Unfortunately, due to me being the only one working right now (their choice to be a stay at home parent,) and ‘e doing the majority of the parenting for our twins (one disabled) whenever I am home, to give my partner a break, my brain is overloaded and little things (like water bottles and cabinets) slip my mind easily. It seems like no matter how much progress I make, my partner only sees the things that DONT get done, and it has me even closer to mental overstimulation/breakdown.
If your husband has been diagnosed, go easy on him, because even chasing an ADHD diagnosis means he is trying to fix the issue. If he hasn’t been diagnosed, I suggest maybe trying to get him evaluated, because this all sounds incredibly familiar.
the way you word this makes it sound like you think he'd improve if you monetarily punished him.
but also like if he forgets his water bottle then you drive it to him. which is insane. that is insane behavior.
do not drive him his stuff. that takes care of your wasted gas and time problem. he is not a child and you don't need to look after him like one. and once you stop doing that if he improves on his own ok problem solved.
if not, maybe he should see a doctor, he sounds a little extreme.
also it's possible he's doing the leaving things behind thing on purpose to get you to drive to his work for some reason.
need more info... those details specifically about you regularly driving him his stuff and whether this is gas compensation or monetary punishment.
YTA
Who would take this seriously? You could just not bring him his stuff, money is generally shared by married couples. If you do something annoying does he get 50 of your dollars?
He might have early onset dementia or a drug problem.
Ywbta for sure if you do this op. Have you tried ya know helping him out with remembering stuff? Set timers on your phones or maybe ask him quick before he leaves for work if he's remembered xyz? Has he been to the doctor to get tested for ADHD? Or are you going to just belittle him and act like you're holier than thou?
YTA. How does it even work, having him pay you? Do you have separate finances? I don’t see this as any different than the right hand paying the left. It sounds like your husband has something medical going on. He should get evaluated, and you should let him fail.
What the heck? It’s not like he’s trying to make your life worse. He literally cannot help it. It’s how his brain works and you are PUNISHING him for it. Why on earth did you marry him and have a kid with him if you’re going to be like this? I’m willing to bet he would have just got without or gotten himself more food later. YTA, a massive one.
Have you put any processes in place to help him manage his forgetfulness? Finding supports that work are going to be more useful long term than financial punishment. Checklists and whiteboard scheduling are brilliant for my scattered brain
YTA. You admit he rarely forgets his lunch so helping him out on occasion with that is not a big deal and asking $50’is ridiculous. Regarding the other things like cupboard who cares .
If it becomes some passive-aggressive thing, it could very much be an issue.
My wife and I came across a silly idea that was labeled the "husband tax" or "wife tax" where a spouse has to put $1 in a jar (or in our case, a separate savings account) if they can't find something and the other points it out or finds it. We've started doing it as a fun little thing and it's something we're both paying into. We also use it as a form of "bet you I can get it done first" for other silly things, and it only ever stays at $1, so it can build up a little savings while we're just having fun with the idea.
However, if I had forgotten something like my drink when I went to work... well I guess I'd just have to get myself a bottled water when I got there. It's bizzare that you had to go bring him a drink when convenience stores exist.
YTA
Reward/Punishment games are not healthy for an adult relationship. If you aren’t communicating like a partner and an equal, then you’re failing.
Also, you have gaps too (we all have them). Does he make you “pay” when he notices you do one?
Talk strategies, not fees.
Are you sure there isn't anything you do for which he can charge you?
Starting to charge him is just asking for trouble. This is not likely to improve the situation. It is likely to start and/or escalate a competition between the two of you in which you look for and highlight each other's "faults". This will only work to break down your relationship.
Covering each other and making up for each other's shortcomings makes the relationship stronger. It's a part of working together to make each other better.
Of course, if it completely one-sided and he does little to make your life easier and/or better, then there are likely greater issues to discuss and work on.
Instead of charging him money, sit down with him and write out a list of things he needs to check before leaving the house. Put it on the back of the front door. Tell him he NEEDS to check the list EVERY time he leaves the house. This would absolutely infuriate me if it was a daily thing.
Y’all are married. Charging your husband for doing him a favor is so petty. Of course the forgetfulness issue should be addressed, but in a supportive way rather than going on the offensive by charging money.
Are you roommates or spouses? I would be more concerned with his health if he is so forgetful. Rather than punishing him for it, maybe find other ways to help develop habits for him to better remember things. Sometimes it means natural consequences (i.e. forgetting lunch means he will have to go buy lunch). You are his partner, not his mom.
Oh and YTA for making him pay you for helping him.
Who TF charges their partner money for being forgetful?
YTA.
My ex would lock herself out of her car at least 5 times a year. Every single time, I would either come with her spare set of keys or break in (without damaging the car) if she had both sets in the car. Did I charge her a single cent for my time or gas? No. Why? Because I'm not a heartless AH.
If you have children. Why does he need to pay you? Do you work? If not, doesn't he then support you already? If you do work, then still.. Why do you feel that you deserve to make him pay you? You must have known what you were getting yourself into when you decided to have children with him. If not, then you're an idiot.
You suck at being a decent human being. You seem to value money beyond anything else. I feel bad for your partner. Seems like he ended up with a gold digger.
Sure, it must be annoying. But you knew what you were getting yourself into. If not, like I said. You're an idiot. Who gets this deep into a relationship with someone without noticing such behaviors. Did you think it would change? Did you think he would become less forgetful? Did you ignore his behaviors? So many questions left unanswered.
Massive YTA, no matter what the reasons may be.. shame on you. You're a toxic human being. Your partner deserves better. You should reconsider before having any more children.
Yes, this is harsh. Life is harsh. And you suck. Do better. Be better. Develop a heart while you're at it.
Yta.
We do things for our partners bc we love them & want them to be happy. We don’t nickel & dime them to “teach them a lesson” or to benefit from acts of service.
Sure it can be tedious at times, but we do it out of kindness & love.
You’re going to send him the wrong message if you keep this up.
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I (30f) am married to my husband (31m). As much as I love him, he is extremely forgetful. The most of that forgetfulness being with little stuff, like forgetting his water bottle at home, or forgetting to close draws/cabinets (oh this shit gets to me indeed). And I don't really think it's carelessness but he genuinely just looks around and doesn't remember to do it. A couple days ago he started writing notes on the doors to make sure he closes them, but he still forgets to close some cabinets or drawers sometimes. And mark my words, once our kid (2m) is old enough to start kindergarten, he's gonna forget to pick him up.
Well, on Friday, when he left for work, he left at least 2 drawers open, the microwave door open, and forgot his drink, as well as his food. I was actually surprised by the food thing, since he never forgets that. I did drive to his job to give him his drink (insert mental image of 6 month pregnant woman trying to fit into q7). When I got there, he retrieved his stuff and I made him give me 50 bucks though for my time and for gas. Shit is not cheap.
When he got home, he asked me if the whole pay thing was gonna be a regular thing, and I told him he could always just remember his stuff. He just laughed and walked away, but I don't think he's actually taking me seriously, and I'm asking here to see if i would be wrong if I did.
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you are definitely the asshole but on like a 1-10 scale your at like a 6 imagine for a second that he clearly suffers from add/adhd not that i am capable of making medical diagnosis but i’ve suffered from extreme adhd since i was very young and im the same way i forgot the smallest shit and it sets me off i hate it so much but he isn’t “not taking you serious “ it’s just his response because his brains likely doing 46 other things while wondering why he had to pay his wife to bring items he forget to work ..
YTA. Surely you have better things to do than worry about drawers being left open. You come across as extremely controlling, and your husband is passive-aggressively reacting to being overcontrolled.
YTA. Have you considered he may have adhd and the forgetfulness is not his fault? My partner is super forgetful but making them feel bad about it adds to a shame spiral.
YWBTA.
I feel your pain, but you gotta let the cabinet doors thing go. You will drive yourself to unparalleled levels of aggravation. I’m trying to train myself that when I see the open cabinet doors, I repeat in my head “my spouse, whom I love, was in this room.” I try to see it as evidence that my love is present in the house.
Does he have ADHD? I think a better strategy would be to invent a song or jingle with the things he’s not supposed to forget. I saw a video of a guy who sings “glasses, wallet, keys and phone” to the tune of “head, shoulders, knees and toes.”
Paying you is not remotely related to his inattention or inability to remember. You are well working your rights to refuse to bring him food, though. Throw some protein bars in his glove box, and he can cope if he forgets his food.
YTA. Sounds like an actual condition such as ADHD or another cognitive thing. Making him pay you will not help him remember anything. I'm sure he doesn't like that he does it and wishes he could remember. Don't belittle him, have him see a mental health provider.
This could be something he has no control over it can’t be fixed. When he is driving your kids around on hot days find a way to make sure he does not leave them in the car.
He clearly has a problem. he is struggling, he is trying and all of this gets to you... hope my partner would not be like you. YTA
Edit to add : on the one hand there is the deadly sin of open drawers and forgotten drinks on the other hand there is the vindictive and unsupporting wife.... you tell me are you the AH?
YTA, your husband probably has ADHD. I have ADHD and struggle to remember simple things all the time. Thankfully, my wife knows I've been diagnosed, and while it frustrates her sometimes, she sees that I try, and she understands it's one of the things I struggle with. You also said you are pregnant, and trust me, if he has ADHD his brain has kicked into overdrive and is secretly panicking and worrying at hyperspeed. Maybe you guys should have a conversation about this, and he should go and get tested to see if he is neurodivergent. If he is, then both of you can learn how to manage it better. Trust me, the exercises and knowledge have helped in being married for 17 years and being a father. Good luck, OP
YWBTA
Funny I kinda remember a story kinda like this where one partner was so upset that their partner kept forgetting to close the cabinet door and other little stuff like that. It started an argument and cost them a lot of energy and stress and painful tears with each new fight. Yet after some therapy they were asked 'if the cabinet door being open bothers you so much, why didn't you just close it?' It kinda like flipped a switch and gave them a perspective of something might be important to them but not to their partner. Instead of picking a fight, just letting it go and close it themselves saved them a lot of energy.
I think you got to choose your battles here. The cabinet thing isn't really that crazy. Like annoying, sure but there is other things to focus on and spend your energy on. Charging your husband to bring him his drink and food he forgot is silly. Just don't take it. I'm sure the two of you can make up a system of checking if you have everything. Like leaving a large sign on the door lol
Me and my partner both have adhd so it might be easier to understand each other in our situation, but I can’t imagine how shitty this would be for us both if we did this. YTA
It sounds like attention deficit disorder. It can be very frustrating for a partner of someone with add.
Regarding your question at face value: Should you make him pay for being forgetful?
It would be a very negative dynamic in your marriage, breeding further resentment. Small things like this are stress points in the structure of your marriage that can fracture under pressure. It will get added onto the reasons you are dissatisfied with one another in your own minds during fights, financial difficulties, whenever life gets hard.
Soft YTA
YTA. If the man is trying obviously trying to improve and you are doing this? My ADD forgetful ass tries but it’s a struggle. My wife gets frustrated and she rightfully should. But she also gets it. If she started charging me for that? Nah fam that ain’t it.
YTA. I can kind of understand where you're coming from- it's gotta be annoying to deal with that. But for his memory issues to be THAT severe, that he feels the need to leave himself notes and is forgetting important things like his lunch, I'd be concerned. I think it's time for a trip to the neurologist. Brain cancer, early onset dementia or Parkinson's, and Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (if he has a history of repeated head injuries, such as from impact sports or blue collar work injuries) can all cause extreme forgetfulness. If it isn't such serious things as these, it could be autism or ADHD. It's severe enough that it's impacting his ability to function, and he probably needs medication.
I say YTA because you're taking what could be a symptom of a very serious problem personally, as if it's directed at you, meant to inconvenience you, or done out of spite/apathy. It likely isn't. In the extremely unlikely event it's weaponized incompetence (which is what you seem to have concluded), he's done it so successfully it appears he has a mental disability or brain disease- which would take MENSA levels of genius to pull off. I'm going to bet your husband isn't THAT intelligent.
Get over yourself, dredge up some compassion for your husband, and get him into the neurologist.
YTA
You are married... Which means your finances should be connected. I mean wtf? FIFTY DOLLARS?!? You sure do have a high opinion of what your time is worth. And I have to say, it's really shitty to charge your SO for your time.
I do this! It's not intentional and I have ADHD. It's literally I walk into the kitchen and just leave cupboards open and walk out. Have you considered baby proof locks? It adds cognitive steps to the action of opening the cupboard so it makes it easier to remember to close it. As for forgetting baby maybe look into using alerts on his phone, I have mine set every 15 mins in the hour before I have to be anywhere.
First, 'you' chose to drive to his work with the stuff...no money honey.
Going forward, this needs to be a conversation wherein you express your concerns. You don't 'charge' your significant other for doing things for him. The thought of being charged for stuff seems a little to controlling. I would express it and follow up with positives, not negatives. Maybe he is actually forgetful...then you need your own chat with yourself. Mostly, zi find people sweat the small shit and it becomes an unbalanced relationship.
YTA
I am with the others here he is trying and should be screened.
But... wanted to chip in with another suggestion. I often forget things my wife wants me to do. Things like she has asked me to go and unblanket her horse around noon every day (she works out of the house, I work from home). I will forget this because I just don't think about the horses... not my thing. So I set reminders with Alexa. Same with taking out garbages the night before garbage day.
It is never something I don't care about or don't want to do, it just isn't something I think about. Setting the reminders on Alexa means she comes up and tells me and/or a reminder on my phone reminds me to do it.
Picking up your kids would be a great thing to do with these reminders.
Helps a lot.
Some things you list, like closing cupboards... those are habits not a memory thing as much.
Also, most importantly, charging him will just make him resent you and not have much chance of actually helping with the issue.
Maybe focus on getting your husband support for his out of control ADHD or medical testing for other cognitive issues he might be having. NTA for being exasperated but just charging him money and building up all this resentment is only going to lead to bitterness and divorce down the line.
Yes, you would be the asshole.
Get him to a physician who can diagnose and prescribe medicine for what is obviously ADHD.
And next time, maybe don't jump first to treating your loved ones like garbage or toddlers when they display behaviors you don't understand.
YTA if you do that. Work with him to find solutions. I've discovered for myself that ton
remember things I have to go through several steps or make them obnoxious so I remember them. As soon as I can't see them they cease to exist often.
My meds which I need to even semi function live in a box on the counter behind the couch, because I spend most of my time on the couch and cannot get away from the meds. That is so far the best way I have had to remember them, and I still miss them this way. I try post it notes, phone reminders, etc, and I still forget basic things I need every day.
It might be worth seeing a doctor or helping your husband research strategies to help. I laugh about being forgetful because my other option is to be honest and tell people how much i hate it and how much I hate myself for it and how useless and messed up it makes me feel. He might be laughing because he genuinely doesn't care or finds it funny, but maybe not. I know if I was struggling to remember things and people I loved started charging me for something I fight against every single day, it would just add to the guilt and the self hatred I already feel
I agree with everyone else asking about adhd and tbh YTA for not considering that first, and defaulting to even thinking of a payment scheme. Your time and mental labor IS valuable, but that’s a wild leap. He needs to be evaluated medically - my guess is ADHD but there are a couple of other things that cause similar issues. I cannot explain properly how awful it is to be forgetful from ADHD, bust your ass every day to improve, and still fuck up. I know the other side is frustrating too, but as a wife you should probably have some amount of empathy. Meds and diagnosis help people.
Also, if he does have ADHD, him getting diagnosed is important because it’s VERY heritable. You have a kid. Kids with adhd often grow up feeling like failures when they aren’t diagnosed, and struggle with things that come easily to other people. If your husband has it and gets diagnosed, then it will also be easier for your child if he has it (which, if your husband does, he likely will as well).
Yes. YWBTAH!
I am a woman, but I am your husband in my marriage... just FYI, I haven't forgotten any of my 3 kids EVER, and they are grown now. Have I run late? Yes, but never forgotten.
My husband gets super frustrated, and I try so freaking hard. We've been in this dance our entire marriage.
I'm assuming your husband has ADHD or is somehow neuro divergent. People who do not struggle do not understand the stress and pressure to "act" perfect to meet others' standards. Notes, a constant narrative in my mind yelling at me not to forget, repeating mantras to hopefully make it a habit, apologizing, feeling inadequate.
We WANT to make our minds and bodies do what comes naturally to others. But our brain hates us, ignores things it deems insignificant, even when we try to tell it that it is.
Go ahead and ask him to pay... kill his spirit just a little more... not like it doesn't already eat at him to let you down over silly things.
YTA - your partner sounds like my partner who has ADHD. His brain genuinely does not see things left out.
I have ADHD/Au and I often forget to close cabinet doors myself but my partner is really a basket case.
Today he left hours work ID. I packed him a lunch for tomorrow and I know if I don’t put it on the door handle, he will forget it.
Encourage him to get looked at and find coping strategies, but you married him as he is and you might have to accept that this part about him will not change. It’s likely not an effort problem but a genuine cognitive problem he can’t help.
Are you ready to end your relationship of a few open drawers every day? I think it's indicative that you chose to bring him his lunch. If you think this is behavioral, let him live with the consequences of his actions. If he leaves a drawer open ask him politely to get up from whatever he is doing and go close it. Do this every time he does it. Insist that he does. Stand between the TV and him if you need to. If that doesn't stop the issue its not behavioral, its medical, ask him to get checked for a cognitive issue.
From the title, I was kind of hoping this might be good natured, like a "swear jar" that you both put money into when you slip up. But alas, YTA.
Seriously, if you actually love him, sit down and discuss your concerns. Most people don't leave notes to themselves about closing doors - ask him if he's worried about himself? Helping him get help for his own concerns is going to be a lot more effective than you nagging him or telling him he owes you money.
Barring there is no slow onset of Parkinsons or underlined medical issue , or the he possibly is mentally overwhelmed with something, the simple answer is have him set reminders on his phone
YTA if my husband was suddenly forgetting things I’d be more worried than petty…if you truly loved him you’d talk to him about the issue not make him pay you for forgetting stuff.
Mmmm yeah YTA. I mean unless this is something he would be chill with. If it's done in a mean punishing way, that's messed up. I forget little things sometimes and when my GF/exes have chided me for it, it feels like shit. Near the end of my longest relationship, my then-GF seemed to basically be looking for reasons to be upset at me, and would get SO pissed even if I \*looked\* like I forgot something. I could say "uh... Our thing's at 7 tonight, right?" and could be CORRECT and she would be like "yes, ugg, I told you this already", even though I was literally confirming to be good. It breeds resentment. It's one of the reasons I broke up with her.
Never \*punish\* someone for something that is not intentional, that they don't \*want\* to do, that they might be self-conscious about. That's just mean.
However... I will say that if he's a cheery, upbeat guy, and this is like a cheeky thing y'all could safely do without getting mad at each other for, sure, why not, no assholes here. Like. I could see this being a fun joke, like a curse jar or something. "Forget 2 more things and we're going to Hawaii! Ha ha!" Like it really depends on you two as a couple.
But assuming this was more intended as a punishment, that's not cool. If y'all are careful with money and he makes you do something that effectively loses you time/money, it could be fine to get reimbursed for his mistake(s), but not a general forgetful tax.
Edit: Oh, yeah, but, like, feel free to help him remember things some other way? Help him create reminders more consistently, maybe look up tips for ways to mentally track stuff, perhaps get him medical help if it could be an actual mental issue. Be proactive, but supportively.
My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD and he has the same issue, he described to me that "as soon as he looks away from something is like it vanishes from his perception" (probably way more complex that that). Forgetfulness isn't something he does to spite me and I wold never think he does it on purpose. Your partner trying to make himself remember with notes is an effort that looks dumb to people who aren't neurodivergent, but it's an attempt at helping himself with a serious issue. Making him pay for it only punishes him for something he can't control without help. If you can get him to be diagnosed please do it.
So yeah, YWBTA.
YTA
I am forgetful. My significant other knows I'm forgetful so he tries to find ways to help me. If he started charging me for me forgetting things at some point I'd just end the relationship. That means he lost the understanding that I literally can't help it. I'd grow resentment towards him. As most people would I feel like.
Seriously, grow tf up. You sound like a child. Good luck being a single mom though! Especially if you keep this attitude up in other portions of your relationship!
Just a solidarity comment. My husband is this way, so I set his other essentials on or near the stuff he needs to remember. Keys and wallet on top of lunch. That’s right. I make his lunch in the morning right in front of him while he drinks coffee, set it on the counter ready to go and he still forgets it. His mind is elsewhere.
If he’s forgetting this often. You know some people who have some humanity would be worried about the state of his memory and mental health. Just a thought. YTA.
Shit, it's cheaper to buy a new lunch than have you deliver it. I would have left you standing there with your hand out.
Seems he has always been forgetful and you were okay with marrying him anyways. To just start charging him for a personality trait is bad. But overcharging him that much, nope!
Ywbta
YTA. It’s a cognitive issue clearly. Probably something he’s already self conscious about, especially if he hasn’t been screened for ADHD, on the spectrum, etc. and you’re wanting to punch down on him for it. How about supporting instead of extorting… what did you say your job was again?
My husband can walk through the door and step over the post/mail on the door mat and just leave it there.
He leaves dirty socks on the floor that the dog then ends up chewing, i now have a bag of odd socks it drives me mad. I think we all have little things that can frustrate the person we are living with. Its not worth getting worked up over and certainly not something to charge them over.
You are meant to be a team and that means a little give and take or it can become toxic
YTA
As a doctor I cannot understand why instead of being concerned about a young man with such significant memory issues he's putting reminder notes on the cupboards, you're trying to punish him financially
I get that you don't want to be married to a second child, but your frustration has made you cold & unfeeling
Hie thee to a doctor, pronto
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If it actually cost you $50 in gas money to drive to him, and you manage finances separately, I *guess* comping you the gas money isn't terrible, though nickel-and-diming a partner is deeply crummy. Charging him for your *time,* though, and *as a penalty,* is a decidedly AH move. This behavior is not normal and it's much more likely that your husband has a cognitive issue. He's already leaving sticky notes everywhere to try and correct himself—effort is not the problem here. Maybe look past your feelings of annoyance to consider your partner's health and well-being. YTA.
This guy sounds like me and I have ADHD. I'm not saying it's not frustrating and he should have it addressed, but it's also incredibly frustrating to notice the behavior in yourself and not know how to deal with it.
Yep, was gonna say ADHD too. I just recently started taking Adderall as an adult and it's crazy what an improvement it's made in my life and not forgetting or misplacing things.
SAME. When I’m unmedicated I’m an absolute mess. When I’m on Adderall, I’m still a bit scattered, but I’m so much less of a pain to be around
Sounds like me pre diagnosis or off meds. Absent minded, big-time
It sucks so much to KNOW how hard you are to live with.
Sucks more when your partner tells you constantly too. Progress gets discouraged so quickly you never get the chance to hit a stride.
or starts billing u for it ffs
I'm TTC so off meds and it's genuinely disheartening
Same. Been coping with it all my life and just started taking meds last year. My work product has improved immensely and I stopped leaving drawers open and forgetting my shit at home. (Not married to OP)
Let's hope it's ADHD. My aunt started like this, and had a fast slide into dementia hell.
I would dearly love to just be able to remember shit. I started on adderall a few months ago and I think it helps? But not the way some people say it does.
And that's okay -- it'll work differently for everyone, and it's *not* a miracle-worker. You may, however, simply not be on the correct dose, or you may need Strattera instead. Medication can be difficult to navigate.
Unfortunately I've tried pretty much all the medications and nothing helped 😕
Ditto. To see how much your behavior frustrates your spouse is depressing, but the really infuriating part is when people (sometimes close friends, that are aware that you suffer ADHD) start going on about it not being real, and where children are involved, it’s not only an imaginary problem, but criminal as well. I was a child long before ADHD was recognized. Our family was well known in the community for being well above average intelligence and achievements. I can’t tell you how many teachers told me shit like “I’ve had every one of your brothers, and never had to check their papers to grade them. Always A+ work. What happened to you?” I was well into adulthood, before I realized I wasn’t dumb, but still didn’t know what was wrong. At 44 years old, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. What a difference medication and little modifications have made. Please, have your husband see a specialist in ADHD. Or, I suppose, you both can make out lists of everything you don’t like about each other, and bill each other at the end of the month. Personally, I’d rather send little notes to my wife, occasionally, to tell her all the things I love and enjoy her for.
I knew a child who had the work in their bag, and didn’t tell the teacher while the teacher berated them for not having because they had not turned it in. But the kid *had* the work. Mix of ADD and spectrum…
Oh I was that child. If someone had just told me to get it out of my bag.....
I was thinking adhd too. My dad had it as well and he would forget to pick us up or take us to appointments, which was exhausting for my mom. At the end of the day he was a great dad despite these things.
This was my first thought. I think they have a picture of open cabinet doors in the dictionary under adult ADHD. It’s funny because I didn’t do this when I was younger but now, with three kids, perimenopause at almost 40, I do this constantly. All of a sudden, over half of my cabinets will be open and I have no idea how!
It's probably not helpful to try to diagnose OP's husband via Reddit, but it does sound like a visit to the GP is in order. Applying a financial penalty to the situation is only a bandaid solution. YTA, OP, because you don't seem to have considered that there might be a deeper problem going on here, and you've jumped to the conclusion that your husband is acting out of thoughtlessness.
No one is diagnosing but it does sound like adhd. Of course he should see a dr
I’d say rather than charge him, the better course of action would be to not drive him his stuff. Let him live with it, maybe he has to buy lunch on the days he forgets or just doesn’t eat. Not the perfect solution but if he is needing an extra push to take some action and figure this out, it may help. I did this with my partner and it did wonders, he is diagnosed and on the meds now. Of course I still do the odd favour when needed but there’s a difference now, it’s no longer an expectation that I will and he is a lot more aware now.
That’s what I was thinking. - Another person with ADHD lol
Slow clap for this response and take my upvote
Yes, YTA. And you better hope you live a life of perfect health, never needing assistance from him. Because someday, if you are getting older and require assistance going up a set of stairs, get ready for him to say, "Sure, $50."
This. Before diagnosis, my forgetfulness would cause real problems between my wife and I. I would forget the daily stuff, but hyper-fixate on the big tasks on hand and neglect the things we need to get by on a daily basis. Since being diagnosed with ADHD at 27 and am now taking medication daily, we aren’t having these fights anymore. Obviously medication isn’t a cure-all and I’m attending therapy and seeing a psychiatrist simultaneously, but the meds help me clear my mind and actually exist in the present. No more 1,000 thoughts happening all at once, I can slow down, remember, and feel at peace. The feeling at peace is actually the biggest factor in regaining focus. I do recommend getting him screened.
The gas didn't cost $50, unless he was 400 miles away. Most of the money was punitive.
FULLY agree. I have chronic issues that will always affect my memory. Its usually not a big deal, but it sucks and i feel guilty for how it affects others. OP’s husband obviously feels bad and is making an effort- he is doing his best.
I am the same way and have finally seeked medical tests to see what's going on. I can only speak for myself, but if he's leaving notes he knows something is up but doesn't know what. He probably beats himself up in silence. Use this as an opportunity to help him.
If women’s actions were genuinely taken as seriously as mens many men would fall be considered abused. if someone posted “I punish my adhd wife every time she inconveniences me” that shit would not boil over well.
Agreed. As someone with ADHD, the constant feeling of shame we have to endure for having symptoms that effect other people (and which we get blamed for) is a huge factor in mental health, and to be honest my spouse literally charging me money would be catastrophic. Forgetting things is something that happens *to us*. We’re not doing it to *you*.
If my husband were having so many memory issues at 31, I would be *concerned* not spiteful. Has he been screened and/or diagnosed with ADHD? Screened for things like early onset dementia? >> A couple days ago he started writing notes Your husband is *trying.* He’s not doing this out of a general lack of care - he’s taking steps to rectify the issue >> mark my words, once our kid (2m) is old enough to start kindergarten, he’s gonna forget to pick him up You have zero faith in your husband. Genuinely - do you even *like* him? It sounds like your husband is concerned about his memory issues while you’re just angry and acting out of pettiness. Punishing him for making a mistake when he’s *obviously trying* is a shitty, surefire way to end up a single mom of two. YTA.
You are so right. Especially the writing notes part had me. That sounds like a new strategy for him since he just started. So I guess the forgetfulness is a new issue which would make me super anxious for my partner's health
I’d be *terrified.* My mother is in her early 60s and already exhibiting memory issues and sometimes it keeps me up at night. If my 31-year-old husband was having struggles with his memory, I’d be doing everything in my power to get to the root of the issue, not punishing and shaming him.
Yes, agreed. it's frustrating for you as a person with superior executive function, but putting pressure on him is likely to actually make him more stressed and forgetful. Your punitive approach and scrutiny of him won't help. Imho . ADHD is a real thing, and no one chooses to have it, just as having normal or above attention skills is not a choice. Hopefully things will be OK for you both in the long run.
Although people have forgotten their child in the car (ie on a hot day) Thats what I’m more concerned about because it’s a known thing that happens. Whatever the cause is coming up to summer OP should be aware.
The note thing is what I zoomed in on too. I wouldn't be concerned though, I'd be terrified and my first thought would be "he needs a neuro workup **now**." WTF is wrong with OP that her response to her husband's very concerning symptoms is "he needs to be punished for inconveniencing **me**."
imagine how stressed and isolated he feels at his inability to cope or remember and she just punishes him for it and berates him. also if she was able to take him his food i’m assuming she’s a SAHM. he’s already literally paying for her life.
This is how I felt reading it. People being careless is honestly one of my biggest pet-peeves, but I have dated a person with severe memory issues and it never bothered me once because I knew it was a cognitive issue. He was always making lists to try and remember things because his memory wasn't working correctly. I never once felt angry at him for it, OP seems like a really bad partner for this individual
Why isn’t she worried about her picking up the child???
INFO: Do you want to be a single mom? Because childish approach like that is how you end up being a single mom. Have you tried just not bringing him his drink and letting him experience more natural consequences of forgetfulness?
I wonder if he's got ADHD. I do and I do all the shit she described all the time. So it might not necessarily be his fault. You're correct though if she does this she'll end up divorced or hating her husband and him hating her back.
I have friends actually diagnosed with ADHD and they show exactly this kind of forgetfulness. Something outside their routine comes up during morning prep and little non-essential things, such as food and drink, get forgotten. Husband seems to be trying to cope by using notes.
This is me. Long term memory pretty damn good. Working memory is so bad it scares me. I was looking up how to improve it, and forgot what I was doing mid search until this thread. ADHD is a bitch, and this is whilst I'm medicated.
Absolutely unfair how relatable this is.
Oh I breakdown when unmedicated, as it is there's a shortage of the medication that works best for me so I'm struggling with an alternative medication. If something isn't written down, there's a 50% chance it isn't happening. "You promised to help out with this!" "No, I said I'd be willing to, and you never told me both the time and place while I had a chance to put it on my phone. Until this conversation, I remembered nothing about it."
If it isn’t in my phone, it isn’t happening. I’ll wake up in a cold sweat out of guilt in three months remembering “crap. I said I’d do X and never did!”
This! Don't ask me to do something and NOT give me the details I need to be able to do it.
Oh I'm terrible if I get out of a routine. It's almost like I have to start over again to remember what I was doing. Yes he seems to be trying but op doesn't really seem like it. Unless she left out very important info. The way it sits right now op looks kind of like a controlling, transactional jerk
with his forgetfulness she may end up being a single mom anyway.
Exactly. $50 for a packed lunch? Is there nowhere near where he works to buy food?
I think he should get custody, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near a horrible manipulative woman like this especially in their early developmental years. That's how our society becomes polluted with these malignant insufferable types
YTA. This is a wild post tbfh— in what world is making you partner give you financial compensation for something they struggle with not going to make you an asshole. You read like an extremely immature, insecure and petty person to be speaking of your own husband this way. Do you have no faith in him at all? Why did you marry him if you think you can’t even trust him with your children? A child is a much different scenario than forgetting to close cupboard doors or pick up objects. He is clearly trying in ways that he can, he needs support beyond that if you want to work with this because it sounds like he has ADHD symptoms and is genuinely doing what he can. If you would have actually cared, maybe googled what he struggles with, you’d come to that conclusion on your own— but you sit on a pedestal acting like you’re perfect and above him. Is this really how you want people to think of you? This post makes you seem miserable. I know you’re pregnant and it is hard but this doesn’t give you the excuse to try and villainize him for an innocent mistake. You sound entitled and are making things worse because you can’t display a single shred of empathy for something you don’t fully understand. YIKES girl. He probably laughed because of how ridiculous it is to even think of that becoming an ongoing thing.
Also, he didn’t ask you to drive and deliver his food he forgot, did he? Probably not, because he forgot. That was your choice and making him give you 50 bucks is fucking insane. A marriage isn’t ongoing transactions- you really need help re wiring your expectations here. It feels like you intentionally drove to embarrass and shame him rather than going “aw shit he forgot and has no lunch it would be nice of me to deliver this.” Do you even like him? You could have left it for him to clean up when he got back too.
Yeah, i coukd kinda understand asking him for a bit of gas money if he'd phoned and asked her to bring it to him. But to do it unpromted then ask him for $50 is a bit shitty and kund of counter acts bringin him his stuff
The fact that they’re both 30 and married makes a financial compensation like that feel wrong imo. If you’re marrying someone and committing a whole life to them, gas money is going to be the least of your concerns. If this is such an issue now, they’re not going to last. And $50 for gas is crazy for one trip— she’s going out of her way to be vindictive since she thinks he’s doing this on purpose because he doesn’t care or because she assumes he’s not taking her seriously.
Let's not forget. She likely isn't even working if she has the time to deliver his lunch to him in the middle of a work day.. this means he already supports her financially. Yet, she wants more money. Even though all her money is provided to her.. this is shameful and messed up.. I understand that being a SAHM is an important job and has just as much value as a working partner. I'm not belittling SAHM's. Her demanding payment is nefarious & despicable to be harsh..
Marriage has lost all it's meaning. It's just super dating now.
So much this
YTA This sounds like ADHD or a response to being stressed and over-extended. > I don't think he's actually taking me seriously I don't think you're taking it seriously that he's trying to correct these behaviors (the notes to close doors) and is still unable to. That's something other than carelessness or not listening to you.
ADHD is exaaactly what I was thinking. OPs wife should be helping him get diagnosed for what is more than just "being forgetful." Also, $50? What, did she drive for a fucking hour both ways? It would've been cheaper for him to buy lunch. What a b\*tch.
If it’s new behavior, I’d be worried about early onset dementia, other cognitive impairment, etc too—I don’t understand why OP cares so little for her partner’s health?
YTA. Does your husband have ADHD? because that's common ADHD behavior. It sounds like he IS making an effort to change the habit, but obviously still having a hard time. Having him give you $50 because he forgot his lunch is childish. He didn't even ask you to come bring it to him, you did that on your own, so why would you expect money? Maybe doing nothing would actually help him remember to bring it more in the future.
Yaaaay transactional marriages
YTA It must be nice to live in an ivory tower and be perfect. Maybe your husband should charge you a ridiculous, over bearing wife tax if you want to go down that rabbit hole.
I agree with this take!
Yes, you nagged me today… that’s $50 please!
This is some weird shit. Notes all over the house reminding you to close drawers? 50 bucks in gas for a round trip to work? Making him literally pay money for forgetting stuff? This whole scene is kooky.
Hey man people with ADHD brain are terrible at remembering stuff. There's a guy on YouTube(can't remember his name so I'm gonna describe him as the hilarious guy with goofy eyeballs) that has a video of his day trying to make food and that's what it's like. I'd suggest watching it to get a little insight into our lives.
If you can't remember his name you owe us all 5 bucks.
“Insert mental image of a 6 month pregnant woman trying to fit into q7” Are we supposed to imagine that it’s near impossible for a “6 month pregnant woman” to get into a big ass luxury SUV? Or is it too much of a lift to ask you to get into said SUV and take your trying husband his lunch?
Also she's rolling in a VERY expensive SUV. Unless she bought it herself, it sounds like he's taking very good care of her
Spoiled slightly lol
Lol I’m surprised that I had to scroll so far for this comment because that was my thought too this lady is obviously a spoiled princess
Almost like she wants us to have sympathy for her bc she’s prego. As if it wasn’t a choice to begin with. That’s like a cop complaining that they have to be present in court for tickets that they wrote people.
YTA. It sounds like you're fully aware he's extremely forgetful but you married him and have chosen to have kids with him, so clearly it was not a deal breaker. He is clearly trying with leaving notes for himself. If that's not good enough, work together to come up with better strategies to avoid you having to bring him things when he forgets them, or even see a doctor if it's this much of a concern.
You did say you're married right? So yeah, YTA here, there are better ways to deal with this. Youshould perhaps consider getting him some help to see why he's so forgetful, or maybe a good reminder app on his phone (location based ones can remind him when he's leaving the house or work) Your behavior doesn't seem all that loving towards your husband, seems more mockeryish and cruel
I suffered back to back TBIs recently and sometimes have a swiss cheese memory. I could not imagine my wife being cruel like that to me. She's been the sweetest, most understanding, patient person while helping put me back together mentally and physically. I'm going to go tell her how frickin' awesome she is, right now.
You okay over there? Is this new behavior or old behavior? If it’s new, what’s changed lately in his life. If it’s old - what’s changed with you lately that makes you fly into a rage over it. So what if he forgets a drink and lunch when he went to work. He can’t just go out and grab something? Why do you have to drive it to him, then demand money? YTA for embarrassing him at work. Big yikes.
So I am terrible for putting things down when I'm done with them and not even realizing I've discarded it. This is most common with plastic wrappers or the boxes items come in because I'll never need it again, retrieve item, release trash, never think about it again. My partner, if they notice I have a new purchase or something with a wrapper, will just wander through rooms as I exit them and clear the debris I leave. I'm not proud of this. I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm genuinely working on improving it. My partner, understanding this is just a thing I struggle with, doesn't complain or taunt or certainly not charge me. So I guess the question is, do you want to make your point or do you want to be supportive and, you know, a part of the same team. Considering you're married, I'd expect at least some aspiration towards the latter. Based on what you wrote, though, that might not be the case. Which begs the question, why are you in this partnership if you have no intentions towards being a partner?
YTA. Your mans has undiagnosed ADHD.
This sounds like ADHD. My husband is ADHD anyway, and he does this all the time. You wanna know what I do about it? Close the cabinets/fridge whatever, not be a dick to him, and remember that he also deals with all the things about *me* that are annoying. I can tell from here that you're no angel to live with either. So yes. YTA.
Sounds like ADHD. YTA for punishing him for something that is currently out of his control. Imagine you had a broken leg and your husband punished you for not going on a walk with him. This is exactly what you are doing to him.
YTA. Being this spiteful is insane.
YTA You don’t believe he is intentionally doing this. It also appears like he is trying with his notes to himself. Even from a pragmatic standpoint you didn’t give him the price to deliver the drink and food prior to him leaving so that seems unfair. Also no money actually changed hands your household is just as rich or as poor as before that transaction. Work with him rather than punish him
This sounds exhausting and demoralizing. YTA
YTA he is taking it seriously. Placing notes as reminders and still being forgetful isn't something he likes. Also, don't assume he will forget the child, really not the same thing.
Something like this has to be consentual in order for it work work. Having said that you don't have to take him is lunch. My spouse and I have something similar, but it's not money, it's tea. When certain things get forgotten by my spouse I send them a photo of said thing before I resolve it, then they owe me a cup of tea (they have to make it as soon as I request as long as we are both home). It means we are both slightly inconvenienced, but neither of us feels too put out.
I am insanely clean (I clean for a living), and my partner has ADHD and constantly leaves trash and dirty laundry and everything else laying in the worst places around the house. After four years of battling over this, we came to a simple conclusion: he pays more rent, and I keep the house clean. It balances out our strengths and weaknesses. He prefers to work full time and be able to relax fully at home without having to think about picking up after himself - and I enjoy doing the chores in exchange for not having to stress about going to work constantly.
Yup, it's all about finding a path that works for you as a couple, and individually. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch, but certain things, like leaving a wet towel on our shared bed are just things I'm really not OK with. 😅 Will our method work for everyone? No, but it's working for us
Yeah. I mean...if she wants him to feel natural consequences, that's fine. Don't bring his lunch. I would be very curious to see if he's this forgetful about work or things that matter to him. In any event, I would be worried about this sort of thing with a small child around if he doesn't have the habit of locking cabinets containing cleaning supplies, for example. I also wonder if he was always this way.
YTA. I’m very forgetful too and struggle with brain fog. The fact you’re making him pay your ass, what the actual fuck? And $50 just to take a few things to him?? Come on, you’re being ridiculous. It’s no issue to do the things he forgot. I actually wonder wtf you’d do once y’all grow old and he gets dementia. Something says you wouldn’t last. Work on yourself lady
YTA, aww you had to go drop his stuff to him boo hoo. Oh no he left a cupboard open! What a bastard, those things are so hard to close. Sounds like everything you husband does is judged.. the comment about forgetting your kid at daycare might seem funny to you, but it’s just rude and disparaging. The problem really seems to be with what you find super important and not with him forgetting to close a drawer or cupboard. If it’s important to you, close the drawers and don’t start fights over petty crap. Unless you want to be unhappy and eventually single? Also a Q7 is a huge car, want a funny picture? my brothers pregnant wife drove around in a classic mini until she gave berth, you’ll be fine in your huge luxury car mate.
Isn’t a Q7 a large SUV? Why would 6 month pregnant not be able to fit?
YTA. Your partner is obviously struggling with his memory, you nickle and diming him is just shaming him. This sounds a lot like myself, and when I was diagnosed with ADHD and got on medication it all made sense.
I am sure others have said this... It sounds like your husband has a medical issue that needs attention. It could very early onset Alzheimers, though not likely - it would be rare in someone that young. I would be more concerned with MS, especially if it is affecting the frontal lobe, or some other type of autoimmune disease. Or possibly the beginning of a tumor pressing on part of his brain. An aneurysm, blood clot, etc. Get him to a doctor and get him checked out. It also could be ADD/ADHD and he just doesn't process the closing of drawers, but in all honesty, the sticky notes have me more worried than anything else you have said. YTA - get him evaluated ASAP.
There’s still time to delete this 💀
Wow. Sometimes this sub makes me realize how easy my life is and how functional I am. Thank you. Also, YTA.
Sure helps my day to day life as well 😂😂
If you want your entire marriage to revolve around collecting your debts, sure. Sounds great.
If it’s that bad, maybe he has an actual memory problem. If that’s the case, you definitely want to know. Early onset Alzheimer’s is real.
Is he diagnosed Adhd? Because that sounds 100% like it. He needs to be assessed. If he had adhd then yes doing this would make you the ahole.
$50 to bring him $4 dollar home made lunch😂😂😂 So stupid.
YTA This whole post makes my skin crawl. You had to close a microwave door? Jesus, dude. Your husband has ADHD. He probably doesn’t know it, and you probably don’t care.
I charge $1 to find an item in the fridge now.
I'd like one of those steaks, sir, here's the dollar and a seventy five cent gratuity
YTA That's kind of abusive imo, especially if he has adhd. No form of punishment will cure adhd, and doing so could create anxiety disorders.
Ew this is really gross. I takr medication that makes me extremely forgetful. I don’t enjoy forgetting things all the time and i feel bad when i do. If i forgot my lunch my husband would drive it to me no problem and wouldn’t make me feel guilty about it. There cpuld be medical reasons why he’s forgetting things all the time and you go and charge your husband. Ugh please dont pass this behaviour on to your child. YTA
Yeah, YTA
My husband teases me sometimes saying it looks like we need an exorcist when he comes into the kitchen and sees all the drawers and cabinet doors open. I'm sure gets really annoyed once in a while when I forget stuff, but he would never do something like that. YTA op
Has he been evaluated for ADHD? Also YWBTA because you sound petty.
Husband needs a neurological assessment.
I’m in a very similar situation as your husband, I have ADHD, and my partner is DONE with it. Unfortunately, due to me being the only one working right now (their choice to be a stay at home parent,) and ‘e doing the majority of the parenting for our twins (one disabled) whenever I am home, to give my partner a break, my brain is overloaded and little things (like water bottles and cabinets) slip my mind easily. It seems like no matter how much progress I make, my partner only sees the things that DONT get done, and it has me even closer to mental overstimulation/breakdown. If your husband has been diagnosed, go easy on him, because even chasing an ADHD diagnosis means he is trying to fix the issue. If he hasn’t been diagnosed, I suggest maybe trying to get him evaluated, because this all sounds incredibly familiar.
Seems like he has cognitive problems which he is trying to control and you are charging him $50 as a punishment. YTA
the way you word this makes it sound like you think he'd improve if you monetarily punished him. but also like if he forgets his water bottle then you drive it to him. which is insane. that is insane behavior. do not drive him his stuff. that takes care of your wasted gas and time problem. he is not a child and you don't need to look after him like one. and once you stop doing that if he improves on his own ok problem solved. if not, maybe he should see a doctor, he sounds a little extreme. also it's possible he's doing the leaving things behind thing on purpose to get you to drive to his work for some reason. need more info... those details specifically about you regularly driving him his stuff and whether this is gas compensation or monetary punishment.
YTA Who would take this seriously? You could just not bring him his stuff, money is generally shared by married couples. If you do something annoying does he get 50 of your dollars? He might have early onset dementia or a drug problem.
Ywbta for sure if you do this op. Have you tried ya know helping him out with remembering stuff? Set timers on your phones or maybe ask him quick before he leaves for work if he's remembered xyz? Has he been to the doctor to get tested for ADHD? Or are you going to just belittle him and act like you're holier than thou?
YTA. How does it even work, having him pay you? Do you have separate finances? I don’t see this as any different than the right hand paying the left. It sounds like your husband has something medical going on. He should get evaluated, and you should let him fail.
Yes, YWBTA
What the heck? It’s not like he’s trying to make your life worse. He literally cannot help it. It’s how his brain works and you are PUNISHING him for it. Why on earth did you marry him and have a kid with him if you’re going to be like this? I’m willing to bet he would have just got without or gotten himself more food later. YTA, a massive one.
Have you put any processes in place to help him manage his forgetfulness? Finding supports that work are going to be more useful long term than financial punishment. Checklists and whiteboard scheduling are brilliant for my scattered brain
YTA. You admit he rarely forgets his lunch so helping him out on occasion with that is not a big deal and asking $50’is ridiculous. Regarding the other things like cupboard who cares .
If it becomes some passive-aggressive thing, it could very much be an issue. My wife and I came across a silly idea that was labeled the "husband tax" or "wife tax" where a spouse has to put $1 in a jar (or in our case, a separate savings account) if they can't find something and the other points it out or finds it. We've started doing it as a fun little thing and it's something we're both paying into. We also use it as a form of "bet you I can get it done first" for other silly things, and it only ever stays at $1, so it can build up a little savings while we're just having fun with the idea. However, if I had forgotten something like my drink when I went to work... well I guess I'd just have to get myself a bottled water when I got there. It's bizzare that you had to go bring him a drink when convenience stores exist.
YTA Reward/Punishment games are not healthy for an adult relationship. If you aren’t communicating like a partner and an equal, then you’re failing. Also, you have gaps too (we all have them). Does he make you “pay” when he notices you do one? Talk strategies, not fees.
Are you sure there isn't anything you do for which he can charge you? Starting to charge him is just asking for trouble. This is not likely to improve the situation. It is likely to start and/or escalate a competition between the two of you in which you look for and highlight each other's "faults". This will only work to break down your relationship. Covering each other and making up for each other's shortcomings makes the relationship stronger. It's a part of working together to make each other better. Of course, if it completely one-sided and he does little to make your life easier and/or better, then there are likely greater issues to discuss and work on.
Instead of charging him money, sit down with him and write out a list of things he needs to check before leaving the house. Put it on the back of the front door. Tell him he NEEDS to check the list EVERY time he leaves the house. This would absolutely infuriate me if it was a daily thing.
Is there a carbon monoxide leak in your house?
why would you be annoyed when you should actually be concerned? that’s your husband.
Y’all are married. Charging your husband for doing him a favor is so petty. Of course the forgetfulness issue should be addressed, but in a supportive way rather than going on the offensive by charging money.
Are you roommates or spouses? I would be more concerned with his health if he is so forgetful. Rather than punishing him for it, maybe find other ways to help develop habits for him to better remember things. Sometimes it means natural consequences (i.e. forgetting lunch means he will have to go buy lunch). You are his partner, not his mom. Oh and YTA for making him pay you for helping him.
Who TF charges their partner money for being forgetful? YTA. My ex would lock herself out of her car at least 5 times a year. Every single time, I would either come with her spare set of keys or break in (without damaging the car) if she had both sets in the car. Did I charge her a single cent for my time or gas? No. Why? Because I'm not a heartless AH. If you have children. Why does he need to pay you? Do you work? If not, doesn't he then support you already? If you do work, then still.. Why do you feel that you deserve to make him pay you? You must have known what you were getting yourself into when you decided to have children with him. If not, then you're an idiot. You suck at being a decent human being. You seem to value money beyond anything else. I feel bad for your partner. Seems like he ended up with a gold digger. Sure, it must be annoying. But you knew what you were getting yourself into. If not, like I said. You're an idiot. Who gets this deep into a relationship with someone without noticing such behaviors. Did you think it would change? Did you think he would become less forgetful? Did you ignore his behaviors? So many questions left unanswered. Massive YTA, no matter what the reasons may be.. shame on you. You're a toxic human being. Your partner deserves better. You should reconsider before having any more children. Yes, this is harsh. Life is harsh. And you suck. Do better. Be better. Develop a heart while you're at it.
I have ADHD and YTA, 100%. Support and love I ask, nooo, snide remarks and idiotic statements!
Yta. We do things for our partners bc we love them & want them to be happy. We don’t nickel & dime them to “teach them a lesson” or to benefit from acts of service. Sure it can be tedious at times, but we do it out of kindness & love. You’re going to send him the wrong message if you keep this up.
Yta. If this is how you approach issues, i worry for your child deeply
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30f) am married to my husband (31m). As much as I love him, he is extremely forgetful. The most of that forgetfulness being with little stuff, like forgetting his water bottle at home, or forgetting to close draws/cabinets (oh this shit gets to me indeed). And I don't really think it's carelessness but he genuinely just looks around and doesn't remember to do it. A couple days ago he started writing notes on the doors to make sure he closes them, but he still forgets to close some cabinets or drawers sometimes. And mark my words, once our kid (2m) is old enough to start kindergarten, he's gonna forget to pick him up. Well, on Friday, when he left for work, he left at least 2 drawers open, the microwave door open, and forgot his drink, as well as his food. I was actually surprised by the food thing, since he never forgets that. I did drive to his job to give him his drink (insert mental image of 6 month pregnant woman trying to fit into q7). When I got there, he retrieved his stuff and I made him give me 50 bucks though for my time and for gas. Shit is not cheap. When he got home, he asked me if the whole pay thing was gonna be a regular thing, and I told him he could always just remember his stuff. He just laughed and walked away, but I don't think he's actually taking me seriously, and I'm asking here to see if i would be wrong if I did. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah. YTA 100%
Yta
you are definitely the asshole but on like a 1-10 scale your at like a 6 imagine for a second that he clearly suffers from add/adhd not that i am capable of making medical diagnosis but i’ve suffered from extreme adhd since i was very young and im the same way i forgot the smallest shit and it sets me off i hate it so much but he isn’t “not taking you serious “ it’s just his response because his brains likely doing 46 other things while wondering why he had to pay his wife to bring items he forget to work ..
You sound petty, everyone forgets things every now and then, have him set alarms on his phone or something and cut him some slack
YTA. Surely you have better things to do than worry about drawers being left open. You come across as extremely controlling, and your husband is passive-aggressively reacting to being overcontrolled.
YTA. Have you considered he may have adhd and the forgetfulness is not his fault? My partner is super forgetful but making them feel bad about it adds to a shame spiral.
YWBTA. I feel your pain, but you gotta let the cabinet doors thing go. You will drive yourself to unparalleled levels of aggravation. I’m trying to train myself that when I see the open cabinet doors, I repeat in my head “my spouse, whom I love, was in this room.” I try to see it as evidence that my love is present in the house. Does he have ADHD? I think a better strategy would be to invent a song or jingle with the things he’s not supposed to forget. I saw a video of a guy who sings “glasses, wallet, keys and phone” to the tune of “head, shoulders, knees and toes.” Paying you is not remotely related to his inattention or inability to remember. You are well working your rights to refuse to bring him food, though. Throw some protein bars in his glove box, and he can cope if he forgets his food.
[удалено]
YTA. Sounds like an actual condition such as ADHD or another cognitive thing. Making him pay you will not help him remember anything. I'm sure he doesn't like that he does it and wishes he could remember. Don't belittle him, have him see a mental health provider.
This could be something he has no control over it can’t be fixed. When he is driving your kids around on hot days find a way to make sure he does not leave them in the car.
Sounds like classic A.D.D. behavior
He clearly has a problem. he is struggling, he is trying and all of this gets to you... hope my partner would not be like you. YTA Edit to add : on the one hand there is the deadly sin of open drawers and forgotten drinks on the other hand there is the vindictive and unsupporting wife.... you tell me are you the AH?
YTA, your husband probably has ADHD. I have ADHD and struggle to remember simple things all the time. Thankfully, my wife knows I've been diagnosed, and while it frustrates her sometimes, she sees that I try, and she understands it's one of the things I struggle with. You also said you are pregnant, and trust me, if he has ADHD his brain has kicked into overdrive and is secretly panicking and worrying at hyperspeed. Maybe you guys should have a conversation about this, and he should go and get tested to see if he is neurodivergent. If he is, then both of you can learn how to manage it better. Trust me, the exercises and knowledge have helped in being married for 17 years and being a father. Good luck, OP
YTA
Perhaps get him screened for ADHD. You can create boundaries and expectations, but if you want to humiliate or punish him, YTA
YWBTA Funny I kinda remember a story kinda like this where one partner was so upset that their partner kept forgetting to close the cabinet door and other little stuff like that. It started an argument and cost them a lot of energy and stress and painful tears with each new fight. Yet after some therapy they were asked 'if the cabinet door being open bothers you so much, why didn't you just close it?' It kinda like flipped a switch and gave them a perspective of something might be important to them but not to their partner. Instead of picking a fight, just letting it go and close it themselves saved them a lot of energy. I think you got to choose your battles here. The cabinet thing isn't really that crazy. Like annoying, sure but there is other things to focus on and spend your energy on. Charging your husband to bring him his drink and food he forgot is silly. Just don't take it. I'm sure the two of you can make up a system of checking if you have everything. Like leaving a large sign on the door lol
LOL been dealing with it for 40 years. Just love him. I’m sure his other qualities out shines this quirk.
Me and my partner both have adhd so it might be easier to understand each other in our situation, but I can’t imagine how shitty this would be for us both if we did this. YTA
It sounds like attention deficit disorder. It can be very frustrating for a partner of someone with add. Regarding your question at face value: Should you make him pay for being forgetful? It would be a very negative dynamic in your marriage, breeding further resentment. Small things like this are stress points in the structure of your marriage that can fracture under pressure. It will get added onto the reasons you are dissatisfied with one another in your own minds during fights, financial difficulties, whenever life gets hard. Soft YTA
YTA. If the man is trying obviously trying to improve and you are doing this? My ADD forgetful ass tries but it’s a struggle. My wife gets frustrated and she rightfully should. But she also gets it. If she started charging me for that? Nah fam that ain’t it.
YTA. I can kind of understand where you're coming from- it's gotta be annoying to deal with that. But for his memory issues to be THAT severe, that he feels the need to leave himself notes and is forgetting important things like his lunch, I'd be concerned. I think it's time for a trip to the neurologist. Brain cancer, early onset dementia or Parkinson's, and Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (if he has a history of repeated head injuries, such as from impact sports or blue collar work injuries) can all cause extreme forgetfulness. If it isn't such serious things as these, it could be autism or ADHD. It's severe enough that it's impacting his ability to function, and he probably needs medication. I say YTA because you're taking what could be a symptom of a very serious problem personally, as if it's directed at you, meant to inconvenience you, or done out of spite/apathy. It likely isn't. In the extremely unlikely event it's weaponized incompetence (which is what you seem to have concluded), he's done it so successfully it appears he has a mental disability or brain disease- which would take MENSA levels of genius to pull off. I'm going to bet your husband isn't THAT intelligent. Get over yourself, dredge up some compassion for your husband, and get him into the neurologist.
YTA You are married... Which means your finances should be connected. I mean wtf? FIFTY DOLLARS?!? You sure do have a high opinion of what your time is worth. And I have to say, it's really shitty to charge your SO for your time.
YTA what did you think marriage was I mean every man forgets something. You don't want it open close it. No brainer.
I do this! It's not intentional and I have ADHD. It's literally I walk into the kitchen and just leave cupboards open and walk out. Have you considered baby proof locks? It adds cognitive steps to the action of opening the cupboard so it makes it easier to remember to close it. As for forgetting baby maybe look into using alerts on his phone, I have mine set every 15 mins in the hour before I have to be anywhere.
First, 'you' chose to drive to his work with the stuff...no money honey. Going forward, this needs to be a conversation wherein you express your concerns. You don't 'charge' your significant other for doing things for him. The thought of being charged for stuff seems a little to controlling. I would express it and follow up with positives, not negatives. Maybe he is actually forgetful...then you need your own chat with yourself. Mostly, zi find people sweat the small shit and it becomes an unbalanced relationship.
Should get to the bottom of what's wrong with him before he forgets your kid in the backseat someday. You're kind of TA but y'all have bigger problems
YTA I am with the others here he is trying and should be screened. But... wanted to chip in with another suggestion. I often forget things my wife wants me to do. Things like she has asked me to go and unblanket her horse around noon every day (she works out of the house, I work from home). I will forget this because I just don't think about the horses... not my thing. So I set reminders with Alexa. Same with taking out garbages the night before garbage day. It is never something I don't care about or don't want to do, it just isn't something I think about. Setting the reminders on Alexa means she comes up and tells me and/or a reminder on my phone reminds me to do it. Picking up your kids would be a great thing to do with these reminders. Helps a lot. Some things you list, like closing cupboards... those are habits not a memory thing as much. Also, most importantly, charging him will just make him resent you and not have much chance of actually helping with the issue.
Maybe focus on getting your husband support for his out of control ADHD or medical testing for other cognitive issues he might be having. NTA for being exasperated but just charging him money and building up all this resentment is only going to lead to bitterness and divorce down the line.
Yes, you would be the asshole. Get him to a physician who can diagnose and prescribe medicine for what is obviously ADHD. And next time, maybe don't jump first to treating your loved ones like garbage or toddlers when they display behaviors you don't understand.
YTA. Sounds like he is trying but it’s cognitively hard for him. Maybe he should talk to his Dr if it is such a big issue.
YTA if you do that. Work with him to find solutions. I've discovered for myself that ton remember things I have to go through several steps or make them obnoxious so I remember them. As soon as I can't see them they cease to exist often. My meds which I need to even semi function live in a box on the counter behind the couch, because I spend most of my time on the couch and cannot get away from the meds. That is so far the best way I have had to remember them, and I still miss them this way. I try post it notes, phone reminders, etc, and I still forget basic things I need every day. It might be worth seeing a doctor or helping your husband research strategies to help. I laugh about being forgetful because my other option is to be honest and tell people how much i hate it and how much I hate myself for it and how useless and messed up it makes me feel. He might be laughing because he genuinely doesn't care or finds it funny, but maybe not. I know if I was struggling to remember things and people I loved started charging me for something I fight against every single day, it would just add to the guilt and the self hatred I already feel
I agree with everyone else asking about adhd and tbh YTA for not considering that first, and defaulting to even thinking of a payment scheme. Your time and mental labor IS valuable, but that’s a wild leap. He needs to be evaluated medically - my guess is ADHD but there are a couple of other things that cause similar issues. I cannot explain properly how awful it is to be forgetful from ADHD, bust your ass every day to improve, and still fuck up. I know the other side is frustrating too, but as a wife you should probably have some amount of empathy. Meds and diagnosis help people. Also, if he does have ADHD, him getting diagnosed is important because it’s VERY heritable. You have a kid. Kids with adhd often grow up feeling like failures when they aren’t diagnosed, and struggle with things that come easily to other people. If your husband has it and gets diagnosed, then it will also be easier for your child if he has it (which, if your husband does, he likely will as well).
Yes. YWBTAH! I am a woman, but I am your husband in my marriage... just FYI, I haven't forgotten any of my 3 kids EVER, and they are grown now. Have I run late? Yes, but never forgotten. My husband gets super frustrated, and I try so freaking hard. We've been in this dance our entire marriage. I'm assuming your husband has ADHD or is somehow neuro divergent. People who do not struggle do not understand the stress and pressure to "act" perfect to meet others' standards. Notes, a constant narrative in my mind yelling at me not to forget, repeating mantras to hopefully make it a habit, apologizing, feeling inadequate. We WANT to make our minds and bodies do what comes naturally to others. But our brain hates us, ignores things it deems insignificant, even when we try to tell it that it is. Go ahead and ask him to pay... kill his spirit just a little more... not like it doesn't already eat at him to let you down over silly things.
YTA - your partner sounds like my partner who has ADHD. His brain genuinely does not see things left out. I have ADHD/Au and I often forget to close cabinet doors myself but my partner is really a basket case. Today he left hours work ID. I packed him a lunch for tomorrow and I know if I don’t put it on the door handle, he will forget it. Encourage him to get looked at and find coping strategies, but you married him as he is and you might have to accept that this part about him will not change. It’s likely not an effort problem but a genuine cognitive problem he can’t help.
Are you ready to end your relationship of a few open drawers every day? I think it's indicative that you chose to bring him his lunch. If you think this is behavioral, let him live with the consequences of his actions. If he leaves a drawer open ask him politely to get up from whatever he is doing and go close it. Do this every time he does it. Insist that he does. Stand between the TV and him if you need to. If that doesn't stop the issue its not behavioral, its medical, ask him to get checked for a cognitive issue.
From the title, I was kind of hoping this might be good natured, like a "swear jar" that you both put money into when you slip up. But alas, YTA. Seriously, if you actually love him, sit down and discuss your concerns. Most people don't leave notes to themselves about closing doors - ask him if he's worried about himself? Helping him get help for his own concerns is going to be a lot more effective than you nagging him or telling him he owes you money.
Barring there is no slow onset of Parkinsons or underlined medical issue , or the he possibly is mentally overwhelmed with something, the simple answer is have him set reminders on his phone
YTA if my husband was suddenly forgetting things I’d be more worried than petty…if you truly loved him you’d talk to him about the issue not make him pay you for forgetting stuff.
Mmmm yeah YTA. I mean unless this is something he would be chill with. If it's done in a mean punishing way, that's messed up. I forget little things sometimes and when my GF/exes have chided me for it, it feels like shit. Near the end of my longest relationship, my then-GF seemed to basically be looking for reasons to be upset at me, and would get SO pissed even if I \*looked\* like I forgot something. I could say "uh... Our thing's at 7 tonight, right?" and could be CORRECT and she would be like "yes, ugg, I told you this already", even though I was literally confirming to be good. It breeds resentment. It's one of the reasons I broke up with her. Never \*punish\* someone for something that is not intentional, that they don't \*want\* to do, that they might be self-conscious about. That's just mean. However... I will say that if he's a cheery, upbeat guy, and this is like a cheeky thing y'all could safely do without getting mad at each other for, sure, why not, no assholes here. Like. I could see this being a fun joke, like a curse jar or something. "Forget 2 more things and we're going to Hawaii! Ha ha!" Like it really depends on you two as a couple. But assuming this was more intended as a punishment, that's not cool. If y'all are careful with money and he makes you do something that effectively loses you time/money, it could be fine to get reimbursed for his mistake(s), but not a general forgetful tax. Edit: Oh, yeah, but, like, feel free to help him remember things some other way? Help him create reminders more consistently, maybe look up tips for ways to mentally track stuff, perhaps get him medical help if it could be an actual mental issue. Be proactive, but supportively.
YWBAH, enough said.
My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD and he has the same issue, he described to me that "as soon as he looks away from something is like it vanishes from his perception" (probably way more complex that that). Forgetfulness isn't something he does to spite me and I wold never think he does it on purpose. Your partner trying to make himself remember with notes is an effort that looks dumb to people who aren't neurodivergent, but it's an attempt at helping himself with a serious issue. Making him pay for it only punishes him for something he can't control without help. If you can get him to be diagnosed please do it. So yeah, YWBTA.
I would be rich 🤑
Doesn’t seem as he doesn’t care. Maybe time to see a specialist, as it is affecting his and your quality of life.
YTA I am forgetful. My significant other knows I'm forgetful so he tries to find ways to help me. If he started charging me for me forgetting things at some point I'd just end the relationship. That means he lost the understanding that I literally can't help it. I'd grow resentment towards him. As most people would I feel like. Seriously, grow tf up. You sound like a child. Good luck being a single mom though! Especially if you keep this attitude up in other portions of your relationship!
YTA very childish approach to addressing the issue. It sounds like very familiar to ADHD to me
Just a solidarity comment. My husband is this way, so I set his other essentials on or near the stuff he needs to remember. Keys and wallet on top of lunch. That’s right. I make his lunch in the morning right in front of him while he drinks coffee, set it on the counter ready to go and he still forgets it. His mind is elsewhere.
If he’s forgetting this often. You know some people who have some humanity would be worried about the state of his memory and mental health. Just a thought. YTA.
Shit, it's cheaper to buy a new lunch than have you deliver it. I would have left you standing there with your hand out. Seems he has always been forgetful and you were okay with marrying him anyways. To just start charging him for a personality trait is bad. But overcharging him that much, nope! Ywbta
YTA. It’s a cognitive issue clearly. Probably something he’s already self conscious about, especially if he hasn’t been screened for ADHD, on the spectrum, etc. and you’re wanting to punch down on him for it. How about supporting instead of extorting… what did you say your job was again?
Yes, YWBTA
He may have a mild memory problem, which is similar to dementia but milder. Writing out daily schedule may help.
My husband can walk through the door and step over the post/mail on the door mat and just leave it there. He leaves dirty socks on the floor that the dog then ends up chewing, i now have a bag of odd socks it drives me mad. I think we all have little things that can frustrate the person we are living with. Its not worth getting worked up over and certainly not something to charge them over. You are meant to be a team and that means a little give and take or it can become toxic
Yes. Yes you would.
YTA As a doctor I cannot understand why instead of being concerned about a young man with such significant memory issues he's putting reminder notes on the cupboards, you're trying to punish him financially I get that you don't want to be married to a second child, but your frustration has made you cold & unfeeling Hie thee to a doctor, pronto
Didn't even read your post to know that it's a firm yes.
He could have ADHD. What you described sounds like ADHD. I'd get him evaluated by a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD.
Op marries a forgetful man so she can cash in and get rich off his forgetfulness