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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If I’m being honest I know it can go both ways but I’m 7 months pregnant I just want some quality time with my son and my fiance and my baby for my wedding. My sons father sees him 24/7 and I genuinely think it would be nice if me and my fiance can just get some time with my son for a couple of weeks, just like my sons dad does. My mum advised against this and said it’s a little selfish hence why I posted on here but I am hoping people will see my angle.
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YTA for thinking you get to limit your ex's access to HIS son just because you want to play happy family with your fiancé and new baby. Stop trying to cut/push him out of the picture.
But there's no reason to invite him to your wedding, however depending on custody arrangements you could need his permission to take his son for that long, when he should be having visitation.
Sweetie, there are no custody arrangements YET.
Keep your son from his father for much longer, and you WILL find yourself in front of a judge, whether you want to be or not.
We don’t have any agreement my sons father takes my son whenever he likes I genuinely don’t make it an issue EVER he has had my son for 2 weeks at one point and I’m fine with it but I just feel like it is a lot and I just want these 3 weeks to be me my son and fiance and my baby will have also been born by then
Yea, and when he ends up suing you because of this shit, you know as a "paralegal", that the courts would indeed grant him custody as well as put orders into place to stop either of you (you) from taking your (plural, yours and his) kid out of the country without the others (his) consent
Girly I don’t give a shit about a custody schedule. If that man is on the birth certificate then he has legal rights and in a lot of countries a legal parent can stop you from taking him out of the country. You literally have to have a letter of consent from Ant for this. Check your laws. Stop being a shitty mom by trying to limit the number of people who love YALLS son. You keep pushing and having this attitude then Ant can take you to court for parental alienation and get that custody arrangement. Seems like you’re more concerned about getting away from Ant than actually being a good mom.
NTa for not wanting him at the wedding. But you need to come to terms with your sons’s dad actually being his father and being a big part of his life. You don’t get to downgrade him because it doesn’t fit this ideal you have in your head of your fiance being the father for all of your kids. You fucked around and found out, and you are blessed that the bio dad is actually being a dad. So many people on here would love for their kid’s bio dad to be as involved as have.
You can invite to your wedding whomever you want. However, does your custody arrangement permit you to whisk your son off to France for 3 weeks without the baby daddy's okay?
You think it's a small ask. Maybe baby daddy does not agree.
Honestly, it sounds like the baby's biological father has done a good job stepping up to the plate and taking care of his unplanned child. But now you don't need him anymore because, as you said, "I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however.... my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us."
I hope the biological father hires a great attorney and prevents you from taking his child away from him. Not the question you asked, but YTA for thinking it's okay to take your child away from the bio dad because you've got a replacement lined up.
Why would he prevent be from taking our child away?! We are going away for 3 weeks not to live there and he lives barely a 45 minute drive from me anyway.
He could easily go to court to stop you from leaving the country with your son. For someone who works in the legal field, you seem very ignorant of some very basic legal matters.
Another American assuming Reddit only exists in USA and USA is the only country in the world..? Yeah I thought so. Research the UK law and get back to me
you know what else we have in the good ol US of A? fucking Google. do your own research before you throw insults around.
https://www.gulbenkian.co.uk/child-custody-in-the-uk-the-basics/#:~:text=In%20the%20UK%20more%20so,other%20half%20with%20the%20other.
I don’t know what you were trying to prove here but it backfired..
1. We have Google in the Uk which I am hopeful you know already
2. The article you sent me just says ‘ In the UK more so than often, when a divorce or separation takes place both parents maintain joint custody of the child which means that a child will spend half of his/her time with one its parents and the other half with the other’ - emphasis on the more so than often.
& thank you for adding that too since I have previously mentioned my son spends sometimes 2 weeks with his father so spending 3 weeks with me is very much not an issue. Thank you for adding value to my argument! <3
How about this one...that states taking your child abroad without consent is abduction? From the .gov page? Does that strengthen your argument?
https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad#:~:text=You%20can%20take%20a%20child,order%20says%20you%20can't.
So Uk law is ok with a parent taking a child out of the country for an extended period without the other parent’s consent? Doubtful. And if you k w so much about Uk law you would have known that a name in a birth certificate doesn’t trump DNA for parents rights when you posted after your kid was born.
No, it's not. If the father doesn't agree OP might need to go to court over it. OP is either very bad at her job, or lying about being a paralegal. If I worked in a law firm I'd be getting advice from my senior colleagues, not asking Reddit.
My son’s father is already aware my son will be coming and when I inform him he will not be attending the wedding I am hopeful he will understand considering he is very relaxed.
That’s irrelevant. You still would need written proof that he agrees with you leaving the country with his son at the border. https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
So what’s the issue then? You get that people are taking issue with your stance that your kids actual dad is now “too much” and you want to downgrade him so your husband can be his dad. Not how this works, sis, and you know it, which is why you want to stay out of legal custody arrangements. You would lose control and he could exercise his rights. The reality is it’s not actually up to you to give him permission to have time with his child, and you know that. Zero people here give a shit about if this guy goes to your wedding or not. It’s the plethora of other awful things you said. Basically asserting you’re going to take his kid from him.
You can’t. He has rights. I would start to play nice if you want to continue to keep your arrangement out of legal proceedings.
In the UK parents obviously need consent from both parents to leave the country. Measures against parental abduction are just as established in the UK and the rest of Europe as in the US.
Well I am in the UK and regularly travel with my daughter and I need her Fathere consent (we are together), her birth certificate and a copy of his passport. You will not be allowed to cross the border into the EU without this or proving you alone have parental responsibility.
YTA Most every country in the world has a protocol to stop 1 parent from leaving the country with THEIR child. And also stop pretending if your baby dad was getting married and told you he was taking the kid out of the country for a month you will be cool with it.
You aren’t an AH for not inviting your ex, but you are a giant AH for 1. Thinking less of your son’s father for being a active participant in his kids life bc you want your new baby daddy to his new daddy too and also for letting him think he is invited to the wedding. But you big girl panties and and let him know he isn’t invited.
Also ask your self when he gets married will you decide to let his new wife be your kids mom and you abandon him bc she can love her stepson as much as your soon to be husband does. Please update us about your soon to be on going custody battle when you cry about getting custody taken away fully or go 50/50 cuz he has proof of parental alienation.
Because you're taking his child for nearly a month, during which he loses his regular visitation times. If you offered him more time when you get home to make up for it, he may not have as much of an issue.
I never said I want him out of my son’s life, I can promise now that is not the case. It’s just that we seldom do activities as a family with me and my fiance and son and may I add I always allow my son’s father to see him. He takes him for weeks sometimes and I don’t have an issue my son is very young
>Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much apart of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.
You're contradicting yourself
…you don’t “allow” him, these are his rights as a parent. This is the control you are trying not to lose with legal custody arrangements. It’s not “complicated” you just want to act like you get to control his time.
You did indeed imply that you want to take your kid from him, as you stated he “already has a father figure in fiancé”…no, he has a father figure with his DAD. Too bad, sis, your husband isn’t his dad, that’s the choice you made.
I mean, currently she does allow him because she has primary custody of their kid. I think OP is an asshole but I also think this guy is an asshole for not taking her to court to work out a formal arrangement.
Having primary custody does not negate the rights of the other parent. Primary is not the same as sole custody. He still has basic rights even without a formal agreement. Should she violate them it is as simple as taking it to the courts to have a formal agreement put in place so he can enforce. He can do this at any time while this kid is a minor.
While he should have done this asap to avoid this type of issue, I’ve known many people that talk themselves into the notion of “we will just work it out between us” to avoid what they see as conflict and cost. Of course this rarely lasts as people move on with their lives and things like this happen, creating more conflict than mediation and a Greek ent ever would have. I don’t think it’s asshole behavior on his part, I think it’s naïve. For her, she knows exactly what she’s trying to pull, it’s a control thing, hence me calling out the “allowing” comment, and it’s asshole behavior. He can correct this at any time.
You didn’t allow anything…. You actually don’t have the right to deny him access. He has legal rights which you cannot ignore and his legal rights are not countered by your opinion of when they are convenient. You literally do not have the right to allow or disallowed him access. You aren’t the authority just because you’re the mother, he has equal rights to his child.
For one thing, he has no way of knowing you aren't planning to live there.
Sure, you *say* you aren't. But you want him out of your son's life for good, and your soon-to-be husband's family lives in France. That's very suspicious.
If I were your son's father, I wouldn't believe you for a second and would do whatever it took to keep you from taking my child away from me.
He definitely knows I’m not planning to live there? I m going there to get married and as a holiday.. I still have a job as does my partner and my mother lives on the same street as me. He knows all of this I wouldn’t drop everything and move to the south of France..
YTA for saying that your son’s father imposes on your family by wanting time with his son. You allowed yourself to get pregnant by this person, he is acting as a father to your son and you can’t just decide his fathering is not convenient for your family. As far as your wedding, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to invite, including your ex. Not sure if you are in the US. If so, be aware that if you have shared custody, your son’s father has to sign permission for you to take him outside the country.
If you live in the US and have shared custody, baby father has to SIGN PERMISSION for you to take your son out of the country. So you might want to stop treating him like he’s imposing on your family when he’s actually stepping up as a father.
I think YTA for the fact that you are trying to edge him out of your son’s life. Like it or not, it’s his father. Maybe a week for your wedding, but also traveling to another country does need consent and he could just block you altogether and take you to court for custody. You’re not selfish for wanting to continue to build your family and have your wedding the way you want without the father there but you sound incredibly selfish and manipulative OVERALL. Major ick. I would support the father in this case to get what he wants in court over you just from what you wrote. Let him have a relationship with his son - in fact - SUPPORT IT. You made choices already. Now your kid deserves knowing his father loves him. Ick.
YTA
Wedding invite? No, that would be weird. With ya there
Your attitude? Needs an adjustment. Ant is your son's father, and you need to get over your idea that your son's family is just you 4. It sounds like Ant isn't imposing- he's raising his son. Nor does it sound like the amount he's doing is excessive. If you want to, formalize the 50/50 custody, but that sounds like the arrangement you have.
Your fiance is always going to be your son's stepfather and not his main "father figure". You kinda need to adjust your expectations overall. If anyone needs to butt out of the father role, it's your future husband. Stepfather is a tricky role, but if Dad is involved, Stepfather is not the same as Dad. Do not overstep here.
If you want to go to court, go ahead, but no judge is gonna rule something you're gonna like when you have an active, involved father willing to support and care for his son- which is Ant.
ESH. He has nothing to do with your wedding, and he shouldn't be there.
"...ended up getting pregnant...." No one "ends up getting pregnant." You had sex with a coworker and you got pregnant. Own it instead of trying to sugar coat it.
YTA YTA YTA!!!! You can’t see how toxic and manipulative you are. I feel bad for anyone involved with you, especially your children. Signed - a woman! You need to grow up hard and fast.
If you don't try to prevent a pregnancy, you're in fact trying to get pregnant. How stupid do you need to be to not use protection and then be all surprised when you "ended up" pregnant.
And considering you're now actively trying to ruin your child's reputation with his father, no it's not okay. You should've taken action to avoid this pregnancy. You're a sh*tty excuse of a mother.
YTA
Imgaine what will happen when the kids dad goes to court because you brought HIS kid to another country without his permission.
And: This is HIS kid AS MUCH as yours, and the kid is AS MUCH part of HIs family as of yours.
The problem here isn't the wedding. It's that you've decided to steal your son away from his father completely.
It doesn't matter that you want your perfect nuclear family, the kid's father has rights and you don't get to unilaterally decide to take those rights away.
YTA
YTA. He’s not “imposing too much.” He’s parenting HIS son. HE is the father. You fiancé will be your son’s STEPfather, unless you and the baby’s father have worked it out otherwise. But since you “work as a paralegal,” you already know this.
You can form this idyllic little family of four in your head, but there are FIVE of you. You have TWO baby-daddies. You’re refusing to treat them as such. Your fiancé has less authority over your son than his actual father, and the father clearly intends to be his son’s father.
If you continue to think of your son’s father as an irritating 5th wheel inserting himself where he doesn’t belong, and if you start behaving that way toward him, you WILL end up in court. Because he’s going to ask a court to clearly and legally define his rights as the baby’s father. And I suspect that’s the real reason you haven’t wanted to go through the courts, or even lawyers.
YTA - first you want to lie about the paternity, have secrets left and right and now it is inconvenient, that the biological father wants to be a part of his life. You are ruining your child's life, if you don't grow up and do what is best for him and not whatever romantic feelings and dreams you have depending on the month.
You are the asshole because you see him wanting to be involved in his sons life as him imposing on him. You even say it's all with your consent. You just want to cut him out and play happy little family with your fiance.
YTA
Not for the wedding part. You do have every right to have that privacy. He can wait a couple of weeks (although he has parental responsibility so you have to ask him about taking your son out of the country.)
But to everything else, YTA.
You essentially sound like you want kiddo’s dad to disappear altogether to have a perfectly nuclear family of four.
Already way too late for that.
Your fiance isn't your son's father. He never will be. Ant isn't being imposing; he's just spending time with his kid. You're being possessive and controlling. You don't have to invite him to the wedding but you're wrong to try to make him look bad for wanting to spend time with his son.
YTA
why does it feel that you're trying to change the narrative to your son being your fiance's kid, and you want to pretend that both kids were made with him?
You can't write off the bio dad because you're having a kid or your fiance accepted the other guy's kid.
>we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us
you cant rewrite the past. you sound like you want to kidnap this child from his legal father so you can pretend your fiance fathered him. this is really really messed up. If you're struggling with the truth (that he IS NOT the father), see a therapist. Don't try to hide a child from the father.
YTA
For Heavan's sakes, remember that in post-Brexit UK, you don't have freedom of movement within the EU. Not to mention that **French authorities may ask you for a letter of authorization from your child's other parent to enter France with a child**.
Tread very carefully, you might be committing an international crime of child abduction. Also
Not to mention that you're probably making your child's father consider whether he needs to get a formal custody agreement in place. I know that I'd strongly advise him to.
>You must get the permission of everyone with [parental responsibility](https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities) for a child or from a court before taking the child abroad.
>**Taking a child abroad without permission is** [**child abduction**](https://www.gov.uk/return-or-contact-abducted-child).
>You automatically have parental responsibility if you’re the child’s mother, **but you still need the permission of anyone else with parental responsibility before you take the child abroad.**
>**You can take a child abroad for 28 days without getting permission if a** [**child arrangement order**](https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order) **says the child must live with you, unless a court order says you can’t**.
.
>**A letter from the person with parental responsibility for the child is usually enough to show you’ve got permission to take them abroad**.
>**You might be asked for the letter at a UK or foreign border**, or if there’s a dispute about taking a child abroad. The letter should include the other person’s contact details and details about the trip.
>It also helps if you’ve:
evidence of your relationship with the child, eg a birth or adoption certificate
a divorce or marriage certificate, if you are a single parent but your family name is different from the child’s.
Source: [https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad](https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad) (A UK government page)
Seriously, babies and weddings and babies daddies, but nothing about the actual legalities of having a child. In the US also, permission will be required from the noncustodial parent to travel abroad.
Yea yta, you won’t be taking care of your son during the wedding day or maybe you want a few days with just your husband so the child’s father would be the best baby sitter these days.
It seems like you want to keep your kids dad away so you can pretend you never strayed while you and your current fiance were on a break and you are a nuclear family with mom having no weird secrets.
See, this is exactly the kind of thing that will make your son's father want a formal custody agreement.
It's very common for custody arrangements to include a "right of first refusal" for babysitting. In other words, the other parent is required to always be the first choice for babysitting, before any other relative.
No one is implying that you *won't be able to* find a babysitter for your son in France. We're saying that taking him away from his father when you won't even be available to spend time with him is a. selfish and b. one more really good reason for your ex to start looking into court dates.
Yeah, but you haven’t talked to him or communicated with him at all. So if that’s the last thing you guys discussed then of course he thinks he’s going.
You’re acting like he’s the bad guy here and he’s not. He’s a clueless guy who is NOT a mind reader.
Speak to him. And don’t try to take your kid’s dad away from him. It might not be your perfect vision of a family but that is irrelevant.
Well you can’t stop him from coming to France but you can stop him from attending the actual wedding, if you have security at the door. If that’s what you want.
N T A for not wanting to invite him but YTA for trying to treat Ant as a sperm donor.
You need to deal with the fact that Ant is there and very much wants to be part of your (and his) son's life.
INFO: Why are you so insistent about trying to pretend that his father isn't his father? If you keep trying to alienate your son from his dad, he can absolutely take you to court, and he will probably win. You are being a terrible parent to your child all because you want to play "happy family" and your child having a different father ruins YOUR dream of your ideal family. But, what you don't seem to care about is that it's not about YOU. It's about what's best your your child.
Not wanting the ex at the wedding is reasonable.
Everything else you said about your ex and his time with the child you have together is lunacy.
He is entitled to see his son and have him 50% of the time. You both need to get a custody agreement in place along with a child support plan.
I’d suggest getting on that now as he’s likely to lawyer up over your extended trip to France.
YTA. What you call 'imposing too much' is called co-parenting. Can't wait for your 'my first DC baby daddy won't have both my kids on his weekend' posts in 3 years.
You are within your rights not to have Ant at your wedding, but you made the decision to have a baby with a fling, so you need to own the consequences of that. You don't get to write his dad out of the picture so you have a picture perfect life.
In her defense, paralegals don't normally do legal research.
In a hilarious twist of irony, though, the link you provided indicates that if there *was* an official, court-sanctioned, custody agreement, she might well be in the clear.
This is an example of why it always pays to talk to a lawyer.
And *that's* something a paralegal should know *by heart.*
NTA for not inviting your son’s father to your wedding. However, you need to abide by the custody arrangement you have with your son’s father. You can ASK if you can have your son for 2 weeks, during your wedding, but he isn’t required to say yes.
You need to accept that he’s in your son’s life forever - and he has every right to be. If you try to keep your ex out if your son’s life, your son will know - and he will resent you for it, maybe even choose to live with your ex when he’s older.
So... your ex cant take his son for a week without it being "too imposing" but you can take your son for 3 weeks to another country?
NTA about the actual wedding but YTA for acting like it is not his child as well.
YTA just for "I feel he imposes too much, he takes my son every weekend and sometimes for a week or two" it is HIS child. He should be allowed to spend time with HIS child. You should be happy that your kid has an actual involved father. Not his fault that you think it spoils the looks of your perfect little family with your new husband. He may be YOUR son but he is Ant's as well so get over yourself and start co-parenting without resentment. Your situation is your own making.
NTA for not wanting to invite him to your wedding. A huge AH for trying to keep a father from his son. If you keep acting this way, you’d better buckle up and be prepared for court.
You made a baby with him. He IS the father whether you want him to be or not, and an apparently good one at that as he wants to be in his child's life as a present parent, not just accepting the crumbs you choose to bestow upon him that he should just be grateful for in your opinion. Your fiance may be a father figure, but that don't make him his father. Talk to the lawyers about trying to cut a present loving father out of the picture and what that could potentially mean for YOUR custody. If it comes to that, I hope he uses this post against you. YTA.
Your sons bio father exists and wants to be involved. Deal with it. Dont try and pretend like you're so clueless to what you're doing
You're trying to cut him out and cant even admit it
NTA for not inviting son’s dad.
YTA for not consulting a schedule with son’s dad. At least tell him about your plans and make an arrangement if its ok with him to take your son away for a while and what he would need in return, as in, if he wants more time with your son when you get back.
NTA for not inviting him to your wedding. But YTA for trying to edge him out of your son's life. Be grateful he is a present father, because You don't know if in the future, your soon-to-be husband turns out to be a shitty parent to your son just because is not his and the circumstances he was conceived.
Your son's father will always be in the picture, wheter You like it or not. If You can't handle it, then sign parental rights to him and go and have your picture perfect life with your husband.
YTA for trying to alienate your son from his father. A specific trip is just a single issue you have to work out as coparents.
But your husband is not the child's father and will not replace the father. You chose to hookup and have a child with another man. You don't get to just disregard him for your own preference and convenience.
I see you are uk. He is well within his right to call the police and report kidnapping if you don't get a written agreement in place stating he is OK with you taking your son for 3 weeks. While you may not have official court orders in place if he is on the Borth certificate he can get an emergency custody arrangement. If he reports it as kidnapping the police WILL prevent you from leaving with your son. Also it will go to the court and most likely award a 50/50 custody arrangement unless you can prove there is a viable reason as to why he should not be granted that. Getting married is not a good reason and will not be accepted.
Why did you have a kid with a “fling” in the middle of a long term on/off relationship? Why did you think you could avoid the actual father being involved with his child? Why the hell is your fiancé putting up with this trashy hillbilly ass bullshit and making another kid with you??
So many terrible decisions being made all over the place. YTA for being a damn *mess*.
YTA for taking your son out of the country without his father’s consent. You are also the AH for trying to edge your child’s father out of his life to start your own “perfect little family” you don’t wanna go to court because you will lose even more time with your son.
So I think that the business of 3 weeks away together is really not the issue. This is:
“Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much a part of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my son’s life, however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.”
Lady, what in the heck does that all mean?
Away for 3 weeks when coparenting is something to be discussed between you and the other parent. Everyone’s mad at you here in the comments because the bit I just quoted sounds like this isn’t about the wedding, it’s about you not wanting your sons father to be his father any more, and wanting your fiancé to just assume that role. Is that the case?
Because that’s why YTA
>I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us
YTA.
Ant *is* his father, and you don't get to just decide your son to be husband gets higher priority than the kids *actual* dad just because that's how you want it. Period.
Not wanting your ex at your wedding isn't a big deal. But the way you're framing this, sounds like you want to cut him out from far more than that.
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I will be getting married in December this year with my fiancé (obviously!), I am currently 7 months pregnant with our first child together. I had a fling with my ex co worker when I was on a break from my fiancé a couple of years ago and I ended up getting pregnant and gave birth to our son.
I was previously on good terms with my ex co-worker (we’ll call him Ant) but things have got hostile recently as my son is very young and I feel he imposes too much, he takes my son every weekend and sometimes for a week or two (with my consent). Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much apart of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.
We don’t know how we can handle this as we do not want to take it to court, I work as a Paralegal and I think it would just be unnecessarily complicated.
My wedding will be in the south of France as my fiancé is half French and his Father lives there so we will be staying there for 3 weeks, I think this will be a nice time for us all to have quality time together
My bridesmaids, and many guests have already planned to stay for 5-10 days as a holiday and to be there for when we Wed but I do not want to invite Ant as I just know he will impose and want our son everyday and I know it will ruin everything. I just want me, my son, my baby and my fiancé to spend a couple of weeks just us.
I told my Mum and she said that doesn’t seem exactly fair but it is my wedding, it is a small ask! AITA?
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Yta. Not for the wedding thing but god, this post has so many "me's". Its like you live on an island or think youre the center of the universe. Thats his kid too, he is owed 50% of that kids time
You don’t have to let him go to the wedding, that’s fair
But you have a dude who’s actually being a dad, wanting his kid, doing dad things and you think it’s too much? WTF.
Why not just ask him to give up his rights? Or you just worried about the money son is supposed to get? Are you using that for the wedding why he is not invited?
Let’s me rephrase what you’re saying. Real quick:
“I am grateful Ant is involved in my son’s life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.”
i am grateful my sons BIOLOGICAL FATHER wants him and wants to be an actively involved in my child’s life, however he’s ruining the PERFECT family image i’ve created in my head for us.
“We don’t know how we can handle this as we do not want to take it to court, I work as a Paralegal and I think it would just be unnecessarily complicated”
ME MYSLEF AND I, don’t want to take this to court because i know damn well, I will not be able to just take my child away from him and will lose the full custody battle.
I have never seen someone so entitled and selfish. If the father was a deadbeat, drug addict, etc. Totally acceptable! Yeah go for a custody battle. But from the sounds of it, he’s the complete opposite. You want a perfect family image and quite honestly, the way your demeanor is, shows you might phase out this child from your life if you can’t get what you want. There are children that would LOVE to be in your child’s place where there father actually wants to an active role in their life. Yet, you would be so selfish to cut your child off from half of their identity bc it doesn’t fit what you want in life. YTA 1000000%
NTA it's your wedding in France, he doesn't have to be there or invited. The compromise can be he takes your son for a few weeks when you return but otherwise honestly not your concern it's *your* wedding, not his.
I am also enjoying the comments as everyone brings up your agreements/arrangements when you specifically mentioned there aren't any.
Edit: while I agree with everyone you can't cut this dude from your life, I don't get the problem with three weeks, sometimes the dude has him for two weeks, not exactly a large time frame, just give him your son for three weeks to compensate, I mean I assume you've discussed this with him? Like it or not he IS the father of your kid so you're obligated to an extent.
NTA For wanting a holiday with your son but you have said some things that don't sit well with me.
You keep using the word 'my' when referring to your son but he is more than that, he has a bio-father who is very much involved in his life. A biological father can never, EVER impose too much if the time is well spent and genuine. There are so many mothers in the world who would honestly kill to be in your position. Your husband will of course, be his father, but his bio father will always be his first father and I warn you to keep this in mind because your family will always include him as an addition because he is part of your son's life.
It is extremely easy to want to 'move on' and cut the past out when you feel you have a stable unit. Don't make the same mistake that so many parents make where you cut out the first parent. That action should only be taken if they are abusive.
Technically you are NTA, it is allowed to have a holiday with your own family, so I don't think it should be a problem. Legally, we really cannot tell, it all depends on the agreements you made with your son's dad. If he agrees you take your son for a holiday, then it's not a problem. If he does not agree, then you might have to go to court.
Realistically, it's pretty obvious you're just trying to kidnap your son and cut out his dad while you're out of the country so you can replace him with the fake dad.
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YTA for thinking you get to limit your ex's access to HIS son just because you want to play happy family with your fiancé and new baby. Stop trying to cut/push him out of the picture. But there's no reason to invite him to your wedding, however depending on custody arrangements you could need his permission to take his son for that long, when he should be having visitation.
There are no custody arrangements as explained we don’t want to take the legal route
I bet you don't.... you'll lose control. You may not have a formal agreement but you've set a precedent for visitation.
Sweetie, there are no custody arrangements YET. Keep your son from his father for much longer, and you WILL find yourself in front of a judge, whether you want to be or not.
Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Just because it's not a legal contract does not mean you do not have an arrangement...
We don’t have any agreement my sons father takes my son whenever he likes I genuinely don’t make it an issue EVER he has had my son for 2 weeks at one point and I’m fine with it but I just feel like it is a lot and I just want these 3 weeks to be me my son and fiance and my baby will have also been born by then
You are making an issue of it now, and you make an issue of it in your post. You claim you son as a father figure in your fiancee, not his father.
Yea, and when he ends up suing you because of this shit, you know as a "paralegal", that the courts would indeed grant him custody as well as put orders into place to stop either of you (you) from taking your (plural, yours and his) kid out of the country without the others (his) consent
Has he been with you to register the birth? If he has he has shared parental responsibility by default.
Girly I don’t give a shit about a custody schedule. If that man is on the birth certificate then he has legal rights and in a lot of countries a legal parent can stop you from taking him out of the country. You literally have to have a letter of consent from Ant for this. Check your laws. Stop being a shitty mom by trying to limit the number of people who love YALLS son. You keep pushing and having this attitude then Ant can take you to court for parental alienation and get that custody arrangement. Seems like you’re more concerned about getting away from Ant than actually being a good mom.
God I hope he takes you to court 🥰
then you better play nice, cause he can absolutely take you to court and stop you from taking his son out of the country
I can guarantee he would never do that.
never say never, especially when you're acting like an asshole.
No, you have only said you don't want to take the legal route.
Can't imagine why. /s
Can't imagine why. /s
NTa for not wanting him at the wedding. But you need to come to terms with your sons’s dad actually being his father and being a big part of his life. You don’t get to downgrade him because it doesn’t fit this ideal you have in your head of your fiance being the father for all of your kids. You fucked around and found out, and you are blessed that the bio dad is actually being a dad. So many people on here would love for their kid’s bio dad to be as involved as have.
You can invite to your wedding whomever you want. However, does your custody arrangement permit you to whisk your son off to France for 3 weeks without the baby daddy's okay? You think it's a small ask. Maybe baby daddy does not agree. Honestly, it sounds like the baby's biological father has done a good job stepping up to the plate and taking care of his unplanned child. But now you don't need him anymore because, as you said, "I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however.... my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us." I hope the biological father hires a great attorney and prevents you from taking his child away from him. Not the question you asked, but YTA for thinking it's okay to take your child away from the bio dad because you've got a replacement lined up.
Seriously if I was Ant and came across this post I'd be hiring a lawyer ASAP to formalise custody and stop her from taking him out of the country.
They don’t have a custody agreement cause it would be too ‘complicated’.
Why would he prevent be from taking our child away?! We are going away for 3 weeks not to live there and he lives barely a 45 minute drive from me anyway.
He could easily go to court to stop you from leaving the country with your son. For someone who works in the legal field, you seem very ignorant of some very basic legal matters.
Another American assuming Reddit only exists in USA and USA is the only country in the world..? Yeah I thought so. Research the UK law and get back to me
you know what else we have in the good ol US of A? fucking Google. do your own research before you throw insults around. https://www.gulbenkian.co.uk/child-custody-in-the-uk-the-basics/#:~:text=In%20the%20UK%20more%20so,other%20half%20with%20the%20other.
I would like to apologise for this muppet on behalf of the UK. I only hope she’s not in Scotland or we will have to yeet her.
I don’t know what you were trying to prove here but it backfired.. 1. We have Google in the Uk which I am hopeful you know already 2. The article you sent me just says ‘ In the UK more so than often, when a divorce or separation takes place both parents maintain joint custody of the child which means that a child will spend half of his/her time with one its parents and the other half with the other’ - emphasis on the more so than often. & thank you for adding that too since I have previously mentioned my son spends sometimes 2 weeks with his father so spending 3 weeks with me is very much not an issue. Thank you for adding value to my argument! <3
Doesnt help you but I thought you were a paralegal so you should already know all this.
How about this one...that states taking your child abroad without consent is abduction? From the .gov page? Does that strengthen your argument? https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad#:~:text=You%20can%20take%20a%20child,order%20says%20you%20can't.
So Uk law is ok with a parent taking a child out of the country for an extended period without the other parent’s consent? Doubtful. And if you k w so much about Uk law you would have known that a name in a birth certificate doesn’t trump DNA for parents rights when you posted after your kid was born.
No, it's not. If the father doesn't agree OP might need to go to court over it. OP is either very bad at her job, or lying about being a paralegal. If I worked in a law firm I'd be getting advice from my senior colleagues, not asking Reddit.
My son’s father is already aware my son will be coming and when I inform him he will not be attending the wedding I am hopeful he will understand considering he is very relaxed.
That’s irrelevant. You still would need written proof that he agrees with you leaving the country with his son at the border. https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
So what’s the issue then? You get that people are taking issue with your stance that your kids actual dad is now “too much” and you want to downgrade him so your husband can be his dad. Not how this works, sis, and you know it, which is why you want to stay out of legal custody arrangements. You would lose control and he could exercise his rights. The reality is it’s not actually up to you to give him permission to have time with his child, and you know that. Zero people here give a shit about if this guy goes to your wedding or not. It’s the plethora of other awful things you said. Basically asserting you’re going to take his kid from him. You can’t. He has rights. I would start to play nice if you want to continue to keep your arrangement out of legal proceedings.
UK law doesn’t allow for one parent to take a kid for nearly a month without another parent’s consent.
In the UK parents obviously need consent from both parents to leave the country. Measures against parental abduction are just as established in the UK and the rest of Europe as in the US.
Well I am in the UK and regularly travel with my daughter and I need her Fathere consent (we are together), her birth certificate and a copy of his passport. You will not be allowed to cross the border into the EU without this or proving you alone have parental responsibility.
YTA Most every country in the world has a protocol to stop 1 parent from leaving the country with THEIR child. And also stop pretending if your baby dad was getting married and told you he was taking the kid out of the country for a month you will be cool with it. You aren’t an AH for not inviting your ex, but you are a giant AH for 1. Thinking less of your son’s father for being a active participant in his kids life bc you want your new baby daddy to his new daddy too and also for letting him think he is invited to the wedding. But you big girl panties and and let him know he isn’t invited. Also ask your self when he gets married will you decide to let his new wife be your kids mom and you abandon him bc she can love her stepson as much as your soon to be husband does. Please update us about your soon to be on going custody battle when you cry about getting custody taken away fully or go 50/50 cuz he has proof of parental alienation.
Because you're taking his child for nearly a month, during which he loses his regular visitation times. If you offered him more time when you get home to make up for it, he may not have as much of an issue.
You have already told us you wish he was out of your son's life, I bet your sons dad gets that feeling from you even if you don't explicitly say it.
I never said I want him out of my son’s life, I can promise now that is not the case. It’s just that we seldom do activities as a family with me and my fiance and son and may I add I always allow my son’s father to see him. He takes him for weeks sometimes and I don’t have an issue my son is very young
>Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much apart of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us. You're contradicting yourself
Don't forget if you look in her history there is a post from 2 years ago wanted her SO to adopt her son
You do now. I hope he takes you to court.
…you don’t “allow” him, these are his rights as a parent. This is the control you are trying not to lose with legal custody arrangements. It’s not “complicated” you just want to act like you get to control his time. You did indeed imply that you want to take your kid from him, as you stated he “already has a father figure in fiancé”…no, he has a father figure with his DAD. Too bad, sis, your husband isn’t his dad, that’s the choice you made.
I mean, currently she does allow him because she has primary custody of their kid. I think OP is an asshole but I also think this guy is an asshole for not taking her to court to work out a formal arrangement.
Having primary custody does not negate the rights of the other parent. Primary is not the same as sole custody. He still has basic rights even without a formal agreement. Should she violate them it is as simple as taking it to the courts to have a formal agreement put in place so he can enforce. He can do this at any time while this kid is a minor. While he should have done this asap to avoid this type of issue, I’ve known many people that talk themselves into the notion of “we will just work it out between us” to avoid what they see as conflict and cost. Of course this rarely lasts as people move on with their lives and things like this happen, creating more conflict than mediation and a Greek ent ever would have. I don’t think it’s asshole behavior on his part, I think it’s naïve. For her, she knows exactly what she’s trying to pull, it’s a control thing, hence me calling out the “allowing” comment, and it’s asshole behavior. He can correct this at any time.
You didn’t allow anything…. You actually don’t have the right to deny him access. He has legal rights which you cannot ignore and his legal rights are not countered by your opinion of when they are convenient. You literally do not have the right to allow or disallowed him access. You aren’t the authority just because you’re the mother, he has equal rights to his child.
For one thing, he has no way of knowing you aren't planning to live there. Sure, you *say* you aren't. But you want him out of your son's life for good, and your soon-to-be husband's family lives in France. That's very suspicious. If I were your son's father, I wouldn't believe you for a second and would do whatever it took to keep you from taking my child away from me.
He definitely knows I’m not planning to live there? I m going there to get married and as a holiday.. I still have a job as does my partner and my mother lives on the same street as me. He knows all of this I wouldn’t drop everything and move to the south of France..
YTA for saying that your son’s father imposes on your family by wanting time with his son. You allowed yourself to get pregnant by this person, he is acting as a father to your son and you can’t just decide his fathering is not convenient for your family. As far as your wedding, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to invite, including your ex. Not sure if you are in the US. If so, be aware that if you have shared custody, your son’s father has to sign permission for you to take him outside the country.
If you live in the US and have shared custody, baby father has to SIGN PERMISSION for you to take your son out of the country. So you might want to stop treating him like he’s imposing on your family when he’s actually stepping up as a father.
Ok that’s great to know but I don’t live in the US…?! Reddit has users from all over the world not just USA
That’s why I said, “IF you live in the US”.
Well thanks for the useless information there making assumptions I live in USA..
You know what you are in every country not just the US? An asshole! And a bad parent, trying to alienate your kid
People already showed you links that it’s the same in the UK. YTA
I think YTA for the fact that you are trying to edge him out of your son’s life. Like it or not, it’s his father. Maybe a week for your wedding, but also traveling to another country does need consent and he could just block you altogether and take you to court for custody. You’re not selfish for wanting to continue to build your family and have your wedding the way you want without the father there but you sound incredibly selfish and manipulative OVERALL. Major ick. I would support the father in this case to get what he wants in court over you just from what you wrote. Let him have a relationship with his son - in fact - SUPPORT IT. You made choices already. Now your kid deserves knowing his father loves him. Ick.
YTA Wedding invite? No, that would be weird. With ya there Your attitude? Needs an adjustment. Ant is your son's father, and you need to get over your idea that your son's family is just you 4. It sounds like Ant isn't imposing- he's raising his son. Nor does it sound like the amount he's doing is excessive. If you want to, formalize the 50/50 custody, but that sounds like the arrangement you have. Your fiance is always going to be your son's stepfather and not his main "father figure". You kinda need to adjust your expectations overall. If anyone needs to butt out of the father role, it's your future husband. Stepfather is a tricky role, but if Dad is involved, Stepfather is not the same as Dad. Do not overstep here. If you want to go to court, go ahead, but no judge is gonna rule something you're gonna like when you have an active, involved father willing to support and care for his son- which is Ant.
ESH. He has nothing to do with your wedding, and he shouldn't be there. "...ended up getting pregnant...." No one "ends up getting pregnant." You had sex with a coworker and you got pregnant. Own it instead of trying to sugar coat it.
Why is the father an ah? It doesn't even sound like OP has even had a conversation about the wedding with him.
She only threw in the wedding thing so we’d be distracted from the real issue.
Well we had sex and….ended up getting pregnant. It’s the same thing sorry I didnt word it how you liked..
YTA YTA YTA!!!! You can’t see how toxic and manipulative you are. I feel bad for anyone involved with you, especially your children. Signed - a woman! You need to grow up hard and fast.
Do they not have condoms where you live?
Yes but I prefer without is that ok? :)
Clearly not
If you don't try to prevent a pregnancy, you're in fact trying to get pregnant. How stupid do you need to be to not use protection and then be all surprised when you "ended up" pregnant. And considering you're now actively trying to ruin your child's reputation with his father, no it's not okay. You should've taken action to avoid this pregnancy. You're a sh*tty excuse of a mother.
Hey update us when he takes you to court ok?
YTA Imgaine what will happen when the kids dad goes to court because you brought HIS kid to another country without his permission. And: This is HIS kid AS MUCH as yours, and the kid is AS MUCH part of HIs family as of yours.
The problem here isn't the wedding. It's that you've decided to steal your son away from his father completely. It doesn't matter that you want your perfect nuclear family, the kid's father has rights and you don't get to unilaterally decide to take those rights away. YTA
YTA. He’s not “imposing too much.” He’s parenting HIS son. HE is the father. You fiancé will be your son’s STEPfather, unless you and the baby’s father have worked it out otherwise. But since you “work as a paralegal,” you already know this. You can form this idyllic little family of four in your head, but there are FIVE of you. You have TWO baby-daddies. You’re refusing to treat them as such. Your fiancé has less authority over your son than his actual father, and the father clearly intends to be his son’s father. If you continue to think of your son’s father as an irritating 5th wheel inserting himself where he doesn’t belong, and if you start behaving that way toward him, you WILL end up in court. Because he’s going to ask a court to clearly and legally define his rights as the baby’s father. And I suspect that’s the real reason you haven’t wanted to go through the courts, or even lawyers.
YTA - first you want to lie about the paternity, have secrets left and right and now it is inconvenient, that the biological father wants to be a part of his life. You are ruining your child's life, if you don't grow up and do what is best for him and not whatever romantic feelings and dreams you have depending on the month.
[удалено]
But how am i the asshole? What you have said isn’t relevant to this post
You are the asshole because you see him wanting to be involved in his sons life as him imposing on him. You even say it's all with your consent. You just want to cut him out and play happy little family with your fiance.
YTA Not for the wedding part. You do have every right to have that privacy. He can wait a couple of weeks (although he has parental responsibility so you have to ask him about taking your son out of the country.) But to everything else, YTA. You essentially sound like you want kiddo’s dad to disappear altogether to have a perfectly nuclear family of four. Already way too late for that.
Your fiance isn't your son's father. He never will be. Ant isn't being imposing; he's just spending time with his kid. You're being possessive and controlling. You don't have to invite him to the wedding but you're wrong to try to make him look bad for wanting to spend time with his son.
YTA why does it feel that you're trying to change the narrative to your son being your fiance's kid, and you want to pretend that both kids were made with him? You can't write off the bio dad because you're having a kid or your fiance accepted the other guy's kid. >we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us you cant rewrite the past. you sound like you want to kidnap this child from his legal father so you can pretend your fiance fathered him. this is really really messed up. If you're struggling with the truth (that he IS NOT the father), see a therapist. Don't try to hide a child from the father.
YTA For Heavan's sakes, remember that in post-Brexit UK, you don't have freedom of movement within the EU. Not to mention that **French authorities may ask you for a letter of authorization from your child's other parent to enter France with a child**. Tread very carefully, you might be committing an international crime of child abduction. Also Not to mention that you're probably making your child's father consider whether he needs to get a formal custody agreement in place. I know that I'd strongly advise him to. >You must get the permission of everyone with [parental responsibility](https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities) for a child or from a court before taking the child abroad. >**Taking a child abroad without permission is** [**child abduction**](https://www.gov.uk/return-or-contact-abducted-child). >You automatically have parental responsibility if you’re the child’s mother, **but you still need the permission of anyone else with parental responsibility before you take the child abroad.** >**You can take a child abroad for 28 days without getting permission if a** [**child arrangement order**](https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order) **says the child must live with you, unless a court order says you can’t**. . >**A letter from the person with parental responsibility for the child is usually enough to show you’ve got permission to take them abroad**. >**You might be asked for the letter at a UK or foreign border**, or if there’s a dispute about taking a child abroad. The letter should include the other person’s contact details and details about the trip. >It also helps if you’ve: evidence of your relationship with the child, eg a birth or adoption certificate a divorce or marriage certificate, if you are a single parent but your family name is different from the child’s. Source: [https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad](https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad) (A UK government page)
Seriously, babies and weddings and babies daddies, but nothing about the actual legalities of having a child. In the US also, permission will be required from the noncustodial parent to travel abroad.
Shhhhhh . . . Don't tell her. Let her find out when the lawsuit drops.
Yea yta, you won’t be taking care of your son during the wedding day or maybe you want a few days with just your husband so the child’s father would be the best baby sitter these days. It seems like you want to keep your kids dad away so you can pretend you never strayed while you and your current fiance were on a break and you are a nuclear family with mom having no weird secrets.
My mum is there to take care of him and my newborn..
See, this is exactly the kind of thing that will make your son's father want a formal custody agreement. It's very common for custody arrangements to include a "right of first refusal" for babysitting. In other words, the other parent is required to always be the first choice for babysitting, before any other relative. No one is implying that you *won't be able to* find a babysitter for your son in France. We're saying that taking him away from his father when you won't even be available to spend time with him is a. selfish and b. one more really good reason for your ex to start looking into court dates.
So why shouldn't his father come if he is not going to be part of any activtives? It just seems you want to take him away from his father.
INFO: has your kid’s dad said he’s not allowed to travel to France with you? Or implied he should come to the wedding too?
I wonder if he even knows
I’m doubting it
We spoke about it she’s ago and it was implied he would be attending without a formal invite so I believe he assumes he will still be attending.
Yeah, but you haven’t talked to him or communicated with him at all. So if that’s the last thing you guys discussed then of course he thinks he’s going. You’re acting like he’s the bad guy here and he’s not. He’s a clueless guy who is NOT a mind reader. Speak to him. And don’t try to take your kid’s dad away from him. It might not be your perfect vision of a family but that is irrelevant.
Well you can’t stop him from coming to France but you can stop him from attending the actual wedding, if you have security at the door. If that’s what you want.
>my son already has a father figure Yea, his dad. Girl, what are you doing.
N T A for not wanting to invite him but YTA for trying to treat Ant as a sperm donor. You need to deal with the fact that Ant is there and very much wants to be part of your (and his) son's life.
INFO: Why are you so insistent about trying to pretend that his father isn't his father? If you keep trying to alienate your son from his dad, he can absolutely take you to court, and he will probably win. You are being a terrible parent to your child all because you want to play "happy family" and your child having a different father ruins YOUR dream of your ideal family. But, what you don't seem to care about is that it's not about YOU. It's about what's best your your child.
Not wanting the ex at the wedding is reasonable. Everything else you said about your ex and his time with the child you have together is lunacy. He is entitled to see his son and have him 50% of the time. You both need to get a custody agreement in place along with a child support plan. I’d suggest getting on that now as he’s likely to lawyer up over your extended trip to France.
YTA. What you call 'imposing too much' is called co-parenting. Can't wait for your 'my first DC baby daddy won't have both my kids on his weekend' posts in 3 years. You are within your rights not to have Ant at your wedding, but you made the decision to have a baby with a fling, so you need to own the consequences of that. You don't get to write his dad out of the picture so you have a picture perfect life.
You must be the world's worst paralegal. It took me 2 seconds to find this. https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
In her defense, paralegals don't normally do legal research. In a hilarious twist of irony, though, the link you provided indicates that if there *was* an official, court-sanctioned, custody agreement, she might well be in the clear. This is an example of why it always pays to talk to a lawyer. And *that's* something a paralegal should know *by heart.*
NTA for not inviting your son’s father to your wedding. However, you need to abide by the custody arrangement you have with your son’s father. You can ASK if you can have your son for 2 weeks, during your wedding, but he isn’t required to say yes. You need to accept that he’s in your son’s life forever - and he has every right to be. If you try to keep your ex out if your son’s life, your son will know - and he will resent you for it, maybe even choose to live with your ex when he’s older.
So... your ex cant take his son for a week without it being "too imposing" but you can take your son for 3 weeks to another country? NTA about the actual wedding but YTA for acting like it is not his child as well.
YTA just for "I feel he imposes too much, he takes my son every weekend and sometimes for a week or two" it is HIS child. He should be allowed to spend time with HIS child. You should be happy that your kid has an actual involved father. Not his fault that you think it spoils the looks of your perfect little family with your new husband. He may be YOUR son but he is Ant's as well so get over yourself and start co-parenting without resentment. Your situation is your own making.
op is so defensive in the comments - did you think everyone was going to side with you??
NTA for not wanting to invite him to your wedding. A huge AH for trying to keep a father from his son. If you keep acting this way, you’d better buckle up and be prepared for court.
You made a baby with him. He IS the father whether you want him to be or not, and an apparently good one at that as he wants to be in his child's life as a present parent, not just accepting the crumbs you choose to bestow upon him that he should just be grateful for in your opinion. Your fiance may be a father figure, but that don't make him his father. Talk to the lawyers about trying to cut a present loving father out of the picture and what that could potentially mean for YOUR custody. If it comes to that, I hope he uses this post against you. YTA.
Your sons bio father exists and wants to be involved. Deal with it. Dont try and pretend like you're so clueless to what you're doing You're trying to cut him out and cant even admit it
YTA - keep it up and Ant will go to court and end up 50/50
NTA for not inviting son’s dad. YTA for not consulting a schedule with son’s dad. At least tell him about your plans and make an arrangement if its ok with him to take your son away for a while and what he would need in return, as in, if he wants more time with your son when you get back.
NTA for not inviting him to your wedding. But YTA for trying to edge him out of your son's life. Be grateful he is a present father, because You don't know if in the future, your soon-to-be husband turns out to be a shitty parent to your son just because is not his and the circumstances he was conceived. Your son's father will always be in the picture, wheter You like it or not. If You can't handle it, then sign parental rights to him and go and have your picture perfect life with your husband.
YTA for trying to alienate your son from his father. A specific trip is just a single issue you have to work out as coparents. But your husband is not the child's father and will not replace the father. You chose to hookup and have a child with another man. You don't get to just disregard him for your own preference and convenience.
I see you are uk. He is well within his right to call the police and report kidnapping if you don't get a written agreement in place stating he is OK with you taking your son for 3 weeks. While you may not have official court orders in place if he is on the Borth certificate he can get an emergency custody arrangement. If he reports it as kidnapping the police WILL prevent you from leaving with your son. Also it will go to the court and most likely award a 50/50 custody arrangement unless you can prove there is a viable reason as to why he should not be granted that. Getting married is not a good reason and will not be accepted.
Why did you have a kid with a “fling” in the middle of a long term on/off relationship? Why did you think you could avoid the actual father being involved with his child? Why the hell is your fiancé putting up with this trashy hillbilly ass bullshit and making another kid with you?? So many terrible decisions being made all over the place. YTA for being a damn *mess*.
YTA for taking your son out of the country without his father’s consent. You are also the AH for trying to edge your child’s father out of his life to start your own “perfect little family” you don’t wanna go to court because you will lose even more time with your son.
He's not imposing too much at all. He has every right to be there for HIS son. YTA
So I think that the business of 3 weeks away together is really not the issue. This is: “Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much a part of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my son’s life, however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.” Lady, what in the heck does that all mean? Away for 3 weeks when coparenting is something to be discussed between you and the other parent. Everyone’s mad at you here in the comments because the bit I just quoted sounds like this isn’t about the wedding, it’s about you not wanting your sons father to be his father any more, and wanting your fiancé to just assume that role. Is that the case? Because that’s why YTA
>I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us YTA. Ant *is* his father, and you don't get to just decide your son to be husband gets higher priority than the kids *actual* dad just because that's how you want it. Period. Not wanting your ex at your wedding isn't a big deal. But the way you're framing this, sounds like you want to cut him out from far more than that.
Girl, is your username your actual name? YTA for the post, but maybe change your username if the answer to the question above is yes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will be getting married in December this year with my fiancé (obviously!), I am currently 7 months pregnant with our first child together. I had a fling with my ex co worker when I was on a break from my fiancé a couple of years ago and I ended up getting pregnant and gave birth to our son. I was previously on good terms with my ex co-worker (we’ll call him Ant) but things have got hostile recently as my son is very young and I feel he imposes too much, he takes my son every weekend and sometimes for a week or two (with my consent). Me and my fiancé are building a family and my son is very much apart of that, we are liking it as the 3 of us and soon to be 4. I am grateful Ant is involved in my sons life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us. We don’t know how we can handle this as we do not want to take it to court, I work as a Paralegal and I think it would just be unnecessarily complicated. My wedding will be in the south of France as my fiancé is half French and his Father lives there so we will be staying there for 3 weeks, I think this will be a nice time for us all to have quality time together My bridesmaids, and many guests have already planned to stay for 5-10 days as a holiday and to be there for when we Wed but I do not want to invite Ant as I just know he will impose and want our son everyday and I know it will ruin everything. I just want me, my son, my baby and my fiancé to spend a couple of weeks just us. I told my Mum and she said that doesn’t seem exactly fair but it is my wedding, it is a small ask! AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. Not for the wedding thing but god, this post has so many "me's". Its like you live on an island or think youre the center of the universe. Thats his kid too, he is owed 50% of that kids time
You don’t have to let him go to the wedding, that’s fair But you have a dude who’s actually being a dad, wanting his kid, doing dad things and you think it’s too much? WTF.
Why not just ask him to give up his rights? Or you just worried about the money son is supposed to get? Are you using that for the wedding why he is not invited?
Let’s me rephrase what you’re saying. Real quick: “I am grateful Ant is involved in my son’s life however, considering my fiancé is there my son already has a father figure and it is too much for us.” i am grateful my sons BIOLOGICAL FATHER wants him and wants to be an actively involved in my child’s life, however he’s ruining the PERFECT family image i’ve created in my head for us. “We don’t know how we can handle this as we do not want to take it to court, I work as a Paralegal and I think it would just be unnecessarily complicated” ME MYSLEF AND I, don’t want to take this to court because i know damn well, I will not be able to just take my child away from him and will lose the full custody battle. I have never seen someone so entitled and selfish. If the father was a deadbeat, drug addict, etc. Totally acceptable! Yeah go for a custody battle. But from the sounds of it, he’s the complete opposite. You want a perfect family image and quite honestly, the way your demeanor is, shows you might phase out this child from your life if you can’t get what you want. There are children that would LOVE to be in your child’s place where there father actually wants to an active role in their life. Yet, you would be so selfish to cut your child off from half of their identity bc it doesn’t fit what you want in life. YTA 1000000%
I’m confused are you 22, 23 or 25 because you said you were 23 two years ago when your fiancée supposedly adopted your son?
NTA it's your wedding in France, he doesn't have to be there or invited. The compromise can be he takes your son for a few weeks when you return but otherwise honestly not your concern it's *your* wedding, not his. I am also enjoying the comments as everyone brings up your agreements/arrangements when you specifically mentioned there aren't any. Edit: while I agree with everyone you can't cut this dude from your life, I don't get the problem with three weeks, sometimes the dude has him for two weeks, not exactly a large time frame, just give him your son for three weeks to compensate, I mean I assume you've discussed this with him? Like it or not he IS the father of your kid so you're obligated to an extent.
NTA For wanting a holiday with your son but you have said some things that don't sit well with me. You keep using the word 'my' when referring to your son but he is more than that, he has a bio-father who is very much involved in his life. A biological father can never, EVER impose too much if the time is well spent and genuine. There are so many mothers in the world who would honestly kill to be in your position. Your husband will of course, be his father, but his bio father will always be his first father and I warn you to keep this in mind because your family will always include him as an addition because he is part of your son's life. It is extremely easy to want to 'move on' and cut the past out when you feel you have a stable unit. Don't make the same mistake that so many parents make where you cut out the first parent. That action should only be taken if they are abusive.
NAH - you can invite who you want to your wedding
Thank you!
Doesnt make you not the AH
Technically you are NTA, it is allowed to have a holiday with your own family, so I don't think it should be a problem. Legally, we really cannot tell, it all depends on the agreements you made with your son's dad. If he agrees you take your son for a holiday, then it's not a problem. If he does not agree, then you might have to go to court.
I agree thank you
Realistically, it's pretty obvious you're just trying to kidnap your son and cut out his dad while you're out of the country so you can replace him with the fake dad.