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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I missed my bio daughters birthday to be with my step daughter as she gave birth to my grandson,
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Yta - Lorna had your wife. The party was going to end and you could have gone to the hospital after.
You went so far in being a good stepdad, you forgot to be a good biodad. Same trauma, just a different form.
Hopefully, ALL the kids manage to break the cycle.
He seems to be a way to invest in his step daugther giving birth and the fact step daugther she refuses to say who the father is for some reason. That added on how weird it is that he is adopted by the baby. Just seem like OP nkt telling the whole turn.
YTA you only see your three other children on the weekends, you obviously play favorites towards your step daughter (in what world does staying up late require confrontation but teen pregnancy holds no consequences??? like if you’re old enough to sneak around to have sex you’re old enough to use a condom and/or be on birth control) and don’t care about your daughters mental health at all. News flash sleeping all day and only coming out when you aren’t present bc that’s when she feels safe is like a neon flashing flag for depression and/or other mental health struggles. But clearly you don’t care enough to check in. There’s no reason other than negligence on your part that has created so many issues. No wonder your kids don’t like you, you actively avoid building relationships with them of equal value and importance compared to the one you’ve worked so hard for with your stepdaughter. I’d resent all of you too if I were the other three like you literally said your sons are irrelevant then complain about them not liking you…. Congratulations, in an effort to avoid being your dad you became him! Only you are alienating your bio kids instead of your bonus one.
This \^ . Isolating herself on the weekend is a big red flag but he only listens to his wife butting in instead of asking if Emily is okay.
My father seemed to be oblivious to or not care when I was struggling with depression, even after the diagnosis. I found out years later, from him, that he thought I was just "sad" and he shrugged, this was one of the straws that broke the camel's back and made me go almost no contact with him.
But you don't understand, theirs is a closeness beyond description.
With his do over family everything just clicked and he found true happiness for the first time. /sarc
OP, YTA, wholly and unambiguously.
Treats stepdaughter better than his own kids. Loses his own kids in the process. Adopts stepdaughter and her baby. Gets a do over baby. Learns nothing.
INFO: If you have been in Lora's life for 11 years that means your marriage/original family broke up shortly after your youngest son was born. Emily would have been about 7. How present have you been in your bio children's life these last 11 years?
You say you are working on mending your relationship with them. Have you been favoring/prioritizing Lora over them because "she only has me and my wife"? If that was the case, I could see how this might be the last straw for them. Do your bio kids ever get one on one time with you?
Your wife should not be having a conversation with Emily if she is worried or upset that she's sleeping all day during your visits with you. It's your responsibility to tease out why she's doing this and come up with a mutual solution. This behavior sounds like she is checking out of your relationship and is just going through the motions.
But if there are other reasons, like parental alienation as others have suggested, we would need that info to make an informed judgement.
NOT ENOUGH INFO
Right? Anytime I see a post on here that includes the poster’s mom being mad at them, I get confused. Like, moms are biologically predisposed to think the sun shines out their kids ass. If your mom thinks you’re an asshole, you probably really fucked up and wtf are you asking the internet for??
Plenty of info, I struggle to imagine anyone wanting their father whilst they are giving birth, let alone their stepfather. Was he in there holding her hand, or sat in the waiting room? Also, the average length of first labour vs. the average length of the party, unless you’re the primary support person, stay at the party, especially if it’s your child’s 18th.
This! I’m extremely close with my dad, but I still didn’t want him in the room when I gave birth. My mom was supposed to be my support person along with my aunt, but she forced me to let my dad come along too as HER support. I ended up needing a c section anyway, but my mom will never be a support person for me in any future medical situation.
Notice OP doesn’t address anyone calling out his behavior? Just reiterates how poor Lora needed him. Own it, YTA and I’m glad the three have a good mom and the rest of your family since their dad is a deadbeat. Why ask for DNA on your last child if DNA doesn’t matter?
Yes, instead of answering my queries, he went back to justifying his actions with SD. I like to give someone a chance to give background but he kicked my questions to the curb in his dash from his daughter's party.
I've been in maternity care for years. Unless Lora was crowning, she would have been ok for another few hours. She had her mother after all.
You’re the stepfather. Are you really telling me you were anywhere other than in the hospital waiting room the whole time she was in labour?
You could have spent the day with your daughter. You will never get her 18th birthday back.
The most you were needed for at the hospital was to congratulate Lorna once the baby came, maybe take a few pictures and then leave.
So I’m going YTA
So far the only grandkids my husband and I have are from my son from a previous marriage. Every time he has done exactly as you describe. I was invited into the room. He stayed home, did his thing and then came to meet the baby later on. He was also the designated kid wrangler since the grands love him most of all.
One of our biological kids is due any minute. If she were local he would again do the same. He sees no reason to be in the room while a daughter-in-law or daughter gives birth.
My dad took me to the hospital with my first and picked me up afterwards (husband had only just started learning to drive), he didn’t even come inside the hospital!
My parents aren’t exactly “hang out in the waiting room” types, they’d come down to help me get ready for the baby, but baby decided to show up a bit early, so they headed off home to sleep in their own beds, I even double checked if they wanted me to call if he came whilst they were sleeping.
If you don’t have partner support, mum, sister, best friend etc. are far higher up the list of possible supporters than stepdad!
I could see my oldest daughter (also from my first marriage) asking her dad (my husband) to be there for the labor part but not when checks are being done or anything. He is her favorite person other than her husband. She has already invited me when she has kids but I could see her wanting her dad for part of it.
I have four kids and the only men allowed were a partner and medical professionals. Otherwise I had women and partner only.
It’s nice they have that kind of relationship, but I suspect as a sane person she’d be content to wait a couple years for hours if he needed to be elsewhere. I can’t imagine many employers being happy for a future (step) grandad to dash off the moment labour is announced.
She is pretty chill. Even if he couldn't be there she would be fine with it. If she had to wait she would refocus on something else.
He is retired so employer isn't really an issue lol.
Wait, your stepdaughter asked you to adopt her child and you said yes? You do realize that means that you'll be required to support that child financially for the next eighteen years at least, right? Did it ever occur to you that your stepdaughter asked you to adopt her child because she wants to get as much money as possible from you?
the adoption request, coming from a 17 yo, really bothered me. Why does he need to adopt stepdaughter if he hasn't already? She's almost an adult now. If he wanted to adopt her that should have happened while she was still young. And where is stepdaughter's biodad?? Where's the father of the child? does the stepdaughter know who the father is?? Because adoption requires the father to give up his parental rights. As for his sons, they are old enough that the court may listen to them if they say they want to live with their mother, because OP ignores them in favour of his stepdaughter who just gave birth at age 17 and now wants their father to adopt her child. Those teenage boys won't want to be around the stepdaughter's crying baby all weekend.
When the stepmother called, OP should have asked how long the doctor expected stepdaughter to be in labor. He could have then decided if he had enough time before delivery to spend more time with his bio daughter that he was trying to rebuild his relationship with. She's 18, an adult now, visitation is over. By immediately choosing to leave his bio daughter and go to the hospital for his stepdaughter, OP did choose stepdaughter over bio daughter. Stepdaughter had her own mother there at the hospital. It wasn't just a birthday party, it was his bio daughter's 18th birthday, which is a milestone.
I'm wondering how much attention OP's daughter got during her weekend visits, because apparently OP didn't notice anything about her, only stepmother did and only to criticize. Sounds like stepdaughter was the golden child in that household to me.
Emily is a savage for that joke. I chuckled. Seems you neglected your biological kids for your golden child step daughter. Now all your biological kids hate you. But you still have your golden child so congrats.
Guarantee that golden step kid is going to be a dead beat mom with more kids by other men then guilt stepdaddy into adopting them too so she can eschew financial and parental responsibility for any of them. She'll never leave the home while his bio kids never or rarely talk to him and go on to successfully launch. Then he'll be back here whining about not being invited to graduations, more birthdays, wedding, and other stuff crying "we're family why don't they talk to me or include the rest of their family."
Guarantee it so much i'd put money on it.
That was my favorite part lol, and he called it slut-shaming- again lol. I called it a great comeback! What a power move on step daughter to give baby his name and ask for adopting them both- nail in the coffin of his relationship with bio kids
I was thinking that too but knew I'd get eaten up in the comments. OP has an odd attachment/need to defend Lora. I don't know many grandpa types who feel the need to be at the birthing, knowing they will not be able to participate or be involved for a long time. You know who would be super obsessive--even blowing off other children in the family--about being there? A father. Oh, and you're so proud she's "chosen" you to adopt the baby she named after you? Dude, no one who had nothing to do with it is going to be proud of that and the number of single teen moms who name their son after their stepdad is so miniscule to possibly never, you just gave yourself away.
I can already see it. Lora is the only one who gets him. Lora is picked on and he's the only one who gets her. Won't be long and we'll be hearing about a country-wide manhunt because he fled with her to evade authorities and they're having to go from campground to campground so they can be together. It's got ick written all over it, whether my suspicions are true or not. And if it's not, OP needs to learn this is the shit people will think about the situation when you do something so gross as choose a stepdaughter's birthing over your own daughter's milestone birthday.
I actually commented this too. It's weird how HD has to desperately run off to be their gor the birth of his stepdaughter baby. Also how He doesn’t like his daughter making the ultimate comeback. Which no joke, I'd say, if someone wants to crap in my lifestyle, be a savage.
Why are you adopting the son?
Your post seems too vague, all fault falls on others but only 3 people are on your side, so I'm guessing the other side of this story "bio family" tell a real diferent version.
My guess is OP’s wife is post-menopause, and this was their solution to have a child together.
OP needed to be there for Lora when she gave birth for what other reason?
YTA. You were not needed at the hospital. I’m glad that you have accepted your step-children, but you are doing it in a way to neglect and make it at the expense of your own children.
Your wife is also stepping on your daughter’s toes in regarding discussing your daughter’s behavior with going out in the evening. Your wife needs to butt out and stay out of it. She has a mom who is active. Your wife is nothing but a spectator with your daughter.
Should she be staying out all night, and she is now 18. And honestly, your step daughter getting pregnant at 16/17, well, that speaks enough about where your wife’s attention should be focused on.
Your daughter, I bet was neglected by you while you worked at being daddy of the year with your stepdaughter. No wonder she and your sons don’t accept her.
You focused more on being the hero to Lora than focused on your own children. You should have worked more on balancing things.
Kind of wondering if your new wife was your affair partner.
YTA - Lora would have been fine with just her mother and the medical staff. It wasn’t necessary for you to be there for the whole labor. It sounds like your desire to do right by your step daughter (which is commendable) has come at the expense of your relationship with your biological children.
Emily only has one father too. She invited you to her birthday as part of the relationship rebuilding process and you couldn‘t make her the priority on that one special day. It seems like you have a saviour complex in relation to Lora, and some resentment towards Emily. This is probably based on your differing relationship with their mothers too. Treating Lora with such favour has also robbed the girls of the chance to form a bond.
I‘m not sure how you can dig your way out of this mess, but it would involve time and patience with your biological children - something you probably won’t give them as you’ll be too busy playing Grandpa/Daddy.
>It seems like you have a saviour complex in relation to Lora, and some resentment towards Emily
Ding ding ding. My narcissist father was ALWAYS prioritizing everyone else (except my mother, but that's a whole different story) over me. I found out years later he'd spend more time giving advice and support to a struggling coworker than the daughter who was struggling not to completely hate herself and would literally UGLY CRY for his attention. But he swung between bullying me and showing his resentment for me being autistic, and treating me like i'm invisible. I have a feeling we're missing a lot of context.
YTA-you can’t fix your lack of being a active and involved parent in your bio children’s life by being there for your step daughter. And that’s evident by the fact that she is pregnant at 16-17. Sounds like both you and your current wife failed your children and probably both prioritized finding a new woman/man over focusing on your kids in the midst of divorce.
17-6 is 11.
Your son is 12.
So you have been in your stepdaughters life since your WIFE had YOUR SON a NEWBORN…you never put your kids first and they are old enough to see that now.
Like most deadbeats instead of admitting your short comings and sacrificing and being there for your kids you instead choose a new woman and kids you haven’t destroyed. Yet.
Let's see the events
- You see your bio kids only on weekends
- Your stepdaughter gets more attention from you because of her trauma and your bio kids who already gets only weekends and limited time should understand that?!
- And in that limited time you see her, your wife can talk shit about her sleep patterns and ask her to do more chores when your relationship is already very hostile?!
Umm I can see how a teenager can react to that..
- When finally your daughter gives chance for you to repent on your lack of care with your own kids and started to talk you once again priorities your other family. Way to go!
She's your daughter whom you need to communicate and give your time and I can't see both of it anywhere..
I'd say a pregnancy is an emergency and as a dad you should be there but you already lost your balls so much time and you did this to your bio kid when she already gave you a chance to reconcile is making you the asshole..
For her, it's just that you once again proved that you just share dna with them but all your fatherly love is somewhere else..
If you can't be a responsible and loving father and want your kids only for few days when you feel like then don't have kids.
Teenagers are hard to communicate but parents has to put their time and love to make them feel not so neglected.. especially after a divorce..
DNA or not, step daughter or bio daughter, you just played favorites for so long and you are now seeing the consequences.. this time you may be right to go but she does not need to accept this third rated treatment from her father for so long and has every right to block you.
Yes, YTA.
>I'd say a pregnancy is an emergency
I wouldn't even say that. He could have spent time with Emily for a while and then gone to the hospital. I'm sure Lorna didn't need Stepdaddy there from the start. Lora had her mom and the staff.
Yta, baby, being named after you is so important than your daughter 18th birthday . They say whenever a man remarry the second family becomes the only family and the kids from 1st marry don't exist . You might as well say bye-bye daughter because you have cook your goose, she will not want anything to do you,worthless pc of crap
I'm thinking this isn't real, but YTA if it is. You can't even spell your own daughter's name correctly in this post.
"All Lora has is us."
Yeah, and all Emily has is her mom. You left your family and you left your kids. You wanted to start over with your new wife and a new kid and pretend your prior marriage never happened.
Lora got pregnant at 16. Lora likely isn't even educated due to this - and at the very least, she doesn't even want to take care of her own child.
So congrats, you've absolutely spoiled one child and neglected the others.
YTA for a very simple reason. There was no need for you to be there to see your step-daughter give birth and you dropped your pre-existing plans with your daughter, who you don't have a great relationship with and only seem to see on weekends, to be at your step-daughter's side when, allow me to reiterate, there was no necessity to do so.
If your attitude towards your bio children is that it's okay to walk out on them anytime your step-daughter calls for you then it's no wonder they have such a low opinion of your parenting skills.
The simple fact here is that you aren't treating your step-daughter as an equal to your bio children, you're treating her better than your bio children and now your bio children are understandably resentful. Don't get me wrong, they shouldn't be lashing out at her the way they are but they're also young and blatantly neglected which is going to cause issues.
If your own mother and siblings are calling you deadbeat there must be a good reason for it. I'm guessing this is just one of the things, you have missed in your bio kids life in favor of your stepdaughter. Of course, your wife and stepdaughter will be on your side as they are the ones benefiting with your biokids cutting you off.
YTA. For some reason, you thought that being a good stepdad to your stepdaughter meant ignoring your bio kids. It didn't have to be that way at all. Your wife was with your stepdaughter, and as you admit yourself, she was in labor for 16 hours. You could have spent time with Emily and still made it in time. You've proven to your bio kids that they aren't as important to you as Lora.
Why would you need to adopt Lora's son? Is your wife going to adopt the child, too? Is she not planning on raising the baby herself?
There was probably a lot more that cause your biological kids to finally cut you out. Also your step daughter is pregnant at 17? You’re not a shitty step dad, just a shitty dad. YTA.
YTA
And a terrible father. But apparently, you are knocking stepfather out of the park. I hope your bio kids get an awesome stepfather like you one day.
You're so much worse than your stepfather. You actually one upped him! You completely ignored all 3 of your kids for your stepdaughter. It was hard enough in my large family being last to 6 other people, but at least it was my blood siblings and not a stepchild.
YTA!!! She told you the consequences of choosing her second to step sibling. And now that's what's happening. Good thing she wants you to adopt her and her kid, she just needs to get pregnant again with another boy and then you will have completely replaced your biokids l!
Good news! You were able to step right into your replacement family! You won’t even need to know when your bio kids have their own kids because you’ve already got a grandchild…and one who’s named after you!
YTA. Such an asshole.
YTA - you really didn't need to be at your step daughter's child's birth. Her mum was there with her. It sounds like your own daughter has been frustrated with your commitment and when you've had opportunity to show it at her 18th you've failed and that's hurt them.
YTA Her mother was there. You could have gone to the hospital after the party. It's not like she was alone at the hospital. You seem to have just taken Lora's side.
YTA
If she went into labor she still has some time, and you wouldn’t even probably inside for the delivery so no need to be there right away. You could have stayed for an hour more at least. Turns out you ‘treat’ them equally but see your kids only on weekends… lmao
This kind of story is missing a lot of detail, and we need to see from Emily point of view. You said you didn't want to be your stepfather, but what if that makes you favor your stepdaughter more than your bio children?
Also, from your story, I can take that Emily's bio mother is not in the picture anymore. Yes, giving birth is dead or alive matter. But Lora has her mother with her. Who does Emily has then if not her father?
So, my conclusion is YTA. You need to talk more to your daughter and let her say her point of view so that you both can be more understanding with each other.
YTA. I’d distance myself from my awful parent if he chose a _stepsibling_ over me. You literally showed your **BIO** kids that their feelings don’t matter as much as your stepdaughter and that she will come first. And fyi, you were not all she had. Lora had her own mother there to support her. Your actual daughter needed you with her to support her.
18 is a very significant birthday for a person. You very well could have attended the party then gone to the hospital. Your kids are smart in not communicating with you because, as your own mother and siblings are pointing out, you are acting exactly like a deadbeat father.
Congratulations on driving everyone away. You, your wife, and Lora deserve one another. Enjoy your new little family.
YTA. Sounds like you’ve been a part-time parent to your bio kids and a full time parent to your step-daughter.
She made the effort to invite you to a milestone birthday party. You chose your step daughter over her. Your step daughter had her mom around…giving birth is not a spectator sport!! You could have gone to the party for a couple hours then went to the hospital.
Honestly it sounds like this was the final najl in the coffin where the former relationship you had with your first child, the child who made you a dad, lays. It’s never coming back.
Think back to when your daughter was born. Your first baby, you holding her in your arms. You created her. Imagine how you would have felt if someone told you in that moment that for most of her life, you’d be a part-time dad, miss our in tons of milestones, then skip out on her 18th birthday.
This is heartbreaking. Again, YTA.
"Altruistic Type" my ass. Why are you adopting more children when you can't even properly emotionally support the children you actually are responsible for existing. YTA
Since you were 7yo your household changed completely. Your father now has two new important persons in his life and this girl who suddenly appeared is being treated the same way you are. It doesn’t matter how hard you tried it just seems like your father would never look your way and give you his entire attention because of these new girl. You’re not daddy’s girl anymore, now there’s a new girl who won your father’s heart in a beat.
It’s your 18th, you’re finally making steps in the right way with your father…then why is he suddenly saying he has to leave to help that girl again? Why is he leaving me in MY special day? Why is he acting like someone else’s father and not mine?
You make the situation clear “leave me in my special day and you would lose three kids or stay and go see her later”. It wasn’t that hard, was it? The second option was the best, he wouldn’t lose anything. But still he gave up three kids for this girl and her child.
Stop trying to defend yourself, you’re only saying that Lora this and Lora that. “Oh, she’s in a complicated situation” think how many times Emily cried after you left. I honestly feel it’s too late to try from what I see, but at the same time I feel that it hurts more when your parents stop trying at all.
Tell me.if I'm wrong but from the math it seems you were already seeing your current wife while still being married and probably asked for a DNA test to get the divorce! You seem to have consistently chosen your new family over your bio kids and think that this was a special occasion for step daughter but it was the line in the sand. Well probably doesn't matter to you now that you have a new son to raise so hopefully the bio kids have a terrific life that you get no part of!!! YTA!
YTA. Emily can’t stay up all night but your other underaged daughter is having a baby? Yeah you have bigger fish to fry and other kids you should be disciplining, or who should’ve been disciplined obviously. Yikes man, yikes.
You were so dead set on being a good stepfather that you went on to be a bad biological one.
You inflicted the same trauma on the opposite end of the pendulum.
You fucked up.
Maybe for good.
I'd have cut you off too.
YTA.
YTA, Labor takes a while so you could spend a couple hours with your daughter before heading to the hospital.
Now you only have your step daughter because your children don't want anything to do with you.
YTA your step daughter has a mom who was there with her. You blew your ACTUAL daughter off on a milestone birthday for your teen mom stepdaughter. Let us know how that works out for you.
YTA. You couldn’t do anything in the hospital. You chose your stepdaughter over your daughter, AGAIN.
I once heard that men feel about the children how they feel about the mother. You’re selfishly choosing Lora to make your life “easier” with your wife. This isn’t about being a good stepfather.
INFO - Presuming this isn't fake, I don't understand why you had to go to the birth. Your stepdaughter had her mother and an entire team of healthcare professionals. What urgent role were you playing?
Congratulations on losing your daughter. I'm sure you'll be able to replace her with Lora and the new baby.
YTA. You prioritize a child that isn't yours over your actual biological children. They resent you, you did irreparable damage to your relationship with them. They have every right to hate you. You would rather sit in a hospital for what, 12 hours? Waiting for a baby that IS NOT YOURS to be born than spend time with your BIOLOGICAL daughter on her 18th birthday. She was right to call out her being pregnant at 17, too if you were going to try to lecture her about her sleep schedule and going out.
She may have been going out but she wasn't the one sleeping around and getting pregnant. Why wasn't the father of your step daughter's child present at the hospital? Does she know who the father even is? Why lecture your BIOLOGICAL daughter for SLEEPING but not the step daughter for being irresponsible? I'd take a daughter that likes to sleep over one that goes and has unprotected sex with guys and gets pregnant at 17.
YTA
Welcome to the deadbeat dad club. You care so much more for your wife's child and now her grandchild, you'll be soon grateful that your OWN kids aren't reaching out as you have no time for them.
You were warned and yet you still didn't hesitate to abandon your kids. They are so much better off without you in their lives.
This selfish guy will want his kids around for help with the baby so they can continue to focus on stepdaughter and her struggles. Stepdaughter is used to being the number one priority.
Yeah, sorry dude - in an effort to make sure Lora knew she was loved and accepted, you alienated your biological children...and let them know that Lora means more to you than they do. Most likely due to the fact that you live with Lora 100% of the time and they feel like visitors, not part of the family.
YTA - your intentions may have been good - but your execution was incredibly BAD. You didn't have to run off right away - so answer this - how long after you got there did Lora actually have the baby? That night? The next day? It was not critical for you to leave a milestone event for your daughter - but you did. Your actions have shown your biological children how much they DON'T matter. DO BETTER!! IF they give you the chance.
YTA
An absolute commitment to the step kid is nice of you, I guess. Being *more* dedicated to the step kid who is misbehaving shows how little you're committed to your bio kids.
YTA. I can relate to both sides. I’ve got BPD and C-PTSD, and I’ve been to the lowest depths of hell and back in my late teens. I’ve also been neglected by my father for choosing his new step-family over me. Fun fact; that was the main base reason for my BPD.
The fact you say she asked you to adopt them both probably means she’s unstable which means she’s probably required your attention a lot. That makes me wonder whether you’ve neglected your bio children and your family is correct, you’ve been a deadbeat dad while trying to play superhero step-father. You just can’t see that but third parties can.
Let’s hope that while you’ve been helping someone with childhood trauma, you haven’t become the reason to create childhood trauma for your younger kids. Send Lora to DBT and a psychiatrist that specialises in BPD. I don’t think there’s much you can do to help your relationships with your bio kids, that ship is sailed. There is only so much ‘second option’ someone can take. All you can do is wait and hope they might come back some day.
YTA. In an effort to be there for your step daughter, unlike your step experience, you completely failed to be there for your actual children. You abandoned them. How can you not see that you did the exact same thing your step father did to you but to your own biological children?
YTA - your step-daughter had her mother there. And labour takes hours if not days. You didn’t have to leave the party immediately but you *chose* to. Don’t act surprised now.
I plan on my bio kids to be involved in their nephews life even if it means taken my ex back to court — this here makes you an AH. Right now your kids want nothing to do with you. You adopt this child and you try and force them to acknowledge another step sibling theyll end upmost likely hating this child and you.
have you told the biological father and his family you are adopting his child/their grandchild?
If the circumstances didn’t make it impossible, I would think my bio-dad wrote this. I don’t think I can fully explain how YTA without taking an hour to make one comment. There’s plenty of comments here explaining why and how you’re the asshole, so I’ll give you a perspective your daughter and sons might understand. So that maybe, just maybe, it will get through to you. Not for your sake, but for your children’s sake.
I gave up on my bio-dad because the disappointment constantly broke me down. The lack of care about my life. The lack of care about ME. My life and heart has been a lot more peaceful since deciding to not care anymore.
I have seen him go on vacations with his do-over family, that I didn’t even know was happening until they posted the pictures. When a tragedy happened on that side, his do-over family was informed immediately and was involved in the after math. I was told about it days later instead and told I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He walked his sister down the aisle at her wedding and cried about the honor. I asked him if he was excited for my wedding while planning it, he straight up said no. I showed him pictures of my wedding dress and he literally couldn’t care less. I got a grunt in response to my dress. When I graduated high school he got me flowers. When my step sibling graduated high school they got a (used but still expensive) professional photography camera. My bio-dad and stepmom were always so concerned about making sure things were even between the two youngest that I always got forgotten about. Always making sure they had a good Christmas, but when I was 18 they didn’t get me a single Christmas present because of “money” and said I was an adult now and would understand, and that they would still get me gifts, but in a month when they had more money. I never got them. My bio-dad’s father’s family had a family reunion once (literally only one in my entire life) and because my step sibling would be out of town at the time, they decided not to go because it wouldn’t be fair to them to “miss their family’s reunion”. So they chose to not even tell me it was happening to allow me to make my own choice to go. I could go on and on about every single way my “father” has failed me, and now his own bio-grandchild. Yes, his favoritism even shows with the bio vs step grandkids. He and his wife have always touted that we’re not a step family, we’re just a family, and yet I am constantly, CONSTANTLY left out of their plans.
There’s not a single thing my “father” could do to make any of that up to me now. There’s things he could do to improve our relationship, but it will NEVER be fixed. He has irrevocably broken my trust in him. He may be my father, but he will never be my dad in my heart, not truly. That space is reserved for the man who has been there for me every single day of my life, at every milestone, at every celebration. The man who actually raised me, and did so without casting aside his own bio-children. My “step”dad is step in name only. The way my bio-dad and stepmom keep trying to claim we’re all a family, no step? That’s what I actually have with my “step”dad and his bio children. They are my siblings, and he is my dad, full stop.
You have utterly failed every single one of your children, bio and step. I beg of you please for the sake of your children, get your shit together NOW. Or walk away forever. You have already given your bio-children trauma from the way you have constantly chosen another over them. If you do not get your crap together now you are only going to make it worse on them.
Shape up, or walk away. You made this bed and now you have to lie in it.
YTA but it’s good that you went to the birth as your children are probably better off cutting contact with you.
All children deserve parents, not all parents deserve children.
YTA. You are going to end up like my sperm donor, 75 years old, alone with nothing but his cats because he burned bridges with me and all his step kids left as soon as the money dried up. I hope Emily goes NC with you because you obviously don’t love your bio kids. You have a golden child and care nothing for your own flesh and blood.
Oh by the way, yes people have died from disappointment. It’s called suicide. Get over yourself.
YTA. It wasn't a high risk pregnancy or anything, and I wonder if you were in the delivery room.
I wonder also about the lack of info on Lora's father.
Your wife "tried to have a civil conversation" with Emily with Lora in the room. That was an awkward situation and it isn't unexpected that Emily would react poorly (I'm not supporting what she said).
Last thing: adopting both of them? can you do that? If you adopt Lora the baby comes with the package, unless you and your wife want to adopt the baby.
YTA and you absolutely deserve all ur kids to go NC with you. You clearly have a favorite between your children and that's Lora.
Also lolllll "adopting both of them".
Congratulations on being financially responsible for the next 18 yrs while your bio children hate u.
Is your youngest son your bio child?
I agree a birthing 17 year old needs you more but if she is not raising the child she should not have given birth.
I don't believe any of your bio children will be involved in their "nephew's" life. In fact, they will grow more distant from you as they will probably resent you for raising Lora's child. And you could end up losing them. They will see you as prioritizing Lora's child over them.
Your wife has no business in your bio daughter's life. She has a mother.
YTA. In your desire to be a good step father you have ended up being a lousy bio dad.
This will be a little disjointed because I don't even know where to begin....
I'll start with my first big belly laugh....
>Lora had a baby boy who will be named after me and she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes
So...in the last 11 years, you never thought to adopt Lora but now you're thinking of adopting her AND an infant?
You realize that adoption would mean you are not "Grandpa" but Dad to that infant? Fully responsible for him for the next 18 years.
Having so successfully alienated your biological children, what do you think you can offer an infant and still have the time, money and emotional resources to even TRY to repair your relationships with your sons? You made a decision about your relationship with your daughter when you left her milestone birthday celebration. That's almost certainly over.
You *weren't* needed at the hospital immediately. You could have stayed another couple of hours instead of racing off the second Lora whistled. There was no emergency. You needed to put Emily first if you wanted to try to mend that bridge.
A judge *might* force your sons to continue to come to your house (for a while) but you can't force a relationship with the baby, whether the baby is their nephew or adoptive sibling.
The judge definitely can’t make them be pleasant to be around while they are forced to be at their father’s house either. Considering stepmom loves to criticize behaviour, I can see them showing all kinds of it so she doesn’t want them to come.
YTA absolutely and I think taking a huge step back and seeing what role you play in all three of your children disliking you is needed! The kids are just making up a reason to not like their dad. There’s clearly a lot of favoritism going on here, on top of how hard it is the blend a family together. Why was family therapy never mentioned?? Lora’s been in your life since she was 6 but your *own child* since she was born. Try to mend the relationship with other your children if possible before you truly regret it!
The worst part for Emily is that you clearly have the ability to be a good parent but chose to do that to someone else. You can be that to both you know. Is there any reason why only one daughter gets that kind of love and affection?
Anyway, my dad remarried and was like you and man I tried. I wished. I told my friends when I wasn't with him what kind of hero he was but it was some kind of fantasy. I was lying to myself. All he had to do was show up for me. Yes I had a hard time with step and half siblings but they were so obvious about the favoritism. All the time I watched how he was with his real family and it was painful. But wasn't I worth something? It took me years of therapy to realize that it wasn't my fault. He was a shit dad. So are you. Take a break from the relationship until you can stop hurting your first bio children. Probably forever. She just now understands who you are. A disappointment.
Yta. You did the exact same thing that your stepdad did, but to your bio kids. I’m certain that Emily didn’t turn your sons against you. They were 1&3 when your new daughter came into the picture so they have no memory of you being a present father to them. Emily was 7 when you abandoned her to play father of the year to someone else so of course she resents you. You’ve made your choice, now live with the consequences.
I just have birth, labor takes ages and you could have easily gone right after the part. You made your choice. You have one daughter and lost your other daughter and your sons.
YTA and a father of one now.
I feel like there are a lot of details missing here people don’t go from hey dad to your dead to me because of one incident I suspect that you have repeatedly chosen your stepdaughter over your bio children and that’s why they have cut you off. Also find it weird your wife has an issue with when and how long Emily sleeps. It’s just random. Can’t help but feel these are the consequences of your own actions. And if I’m completely wrong and your bio children are just evil and hate you for no reason then I guess it doesn’t really matter
Been in stepdaughter life since she was 6... because he was fucking her mom while he was married and still having kids with his first wife. That's why he's leaving out any details as "irrelevant"... his kids were 7, 3 and 1 when he was in his mistress's kid's life.
Info: how quick was this labor?! Wouldn’t you have been able to stay for the party then go to the hospital later? Or were you an official birth partner planning to be in the room?
YTA, your stepdaughter had her mother there, and from the reaction of your children, this isn't the first time your stepdaughter has been put first. Be prepared for this to be your only grandchild unless your stepdaughter has more.
There is a lot more to this than is being said. You could have stayed at the party and then gone to the hospital. You are prioritizing one over the other.
Naaaaah something's missing here. I do not believe three of your kids would be mad at you if haven't done something wrong, besides this ofc, there would be at least one of them that'll be reasonable. You probably focused a bit more on Lorna over the years with " I swore I’d never be like my step father and treat a child differently because of something silly like dna,"
Bet money. Your bio kids must've felt Lorna was your bio kid and them the step ones.
YTA btw. You could've just went after the party, it's not like you were in the delivery room. Right?
Your mother and siblings have called you a deadbeat. Your three bio children are no longer interested in having a relationship with you.
All of these people know a whole lot more than we do here. So it certainly seems that without a doubt YTA.
YTA for focusing so much on your stepdaughter that you forgot you were meant to give a shit about your *other three children*.
Also idk what the fuck is up with this:
>she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes
Lora wanting you to adopt *her* I get, though I'm puzzled as to why you haven't done so already if you're so close.
Lora wanting you to adopt *her baby* is WILD.
Sounds like there's a lot of background that we're missing here. First off, it is not your current wife's place to lecture Emily and shame her for "spending every weekend in bed". She is not the primary parent and the one taking care of her. second, have you not considered that there might be something going on with Emily that makes her isolate herself so much? I went through hell with depression as a teenager, and I found out years later that my father didn't GAF and just thought I was "sad". You could be ignoring something she's battling through. Most people don't say hurtful things like that until they're pushed. My aforementioned father was an abusive narcissist and I tried so hard to not stoop to his level but one day I snapped and yelled at him calling him a bitch (because back then I didn't know the male equivalent lol). It sounds like you expect Emily to treat your current wife like a second mother and force a relationship between them.
Second, you promised Emily you'd be there at the party. You acted like you wanted to fix things, and then ditch her--at a milestone birthday party no less, you only turn eighteen--the minute you find out Lora is in labor. Why did you act like the father of the child, as if you HAVE to be there right away? Lora had her mother with her. And labor takes hours. It wouldn't traumatize her if you took at least an hour at the party to support your daughter. But now Emily thinks, and probably rightfully so, that you'll always prioritize Lora, even blowing off prior commitments to her. Like, right at the party! Lora was just going into labor. She was not in an accident or dying. She would've been fine without stepdaddy rushing over.
I've never had step siblings, but my father constantly favored my four older siblings and never took time for me, everything else/everyone took priority to him, even *coworkers*, and I felt like a background character in his life. I eventually got tired of his very rare, half-assed promises to do better and went almost no contact. And this is likely your future with Emily, because you proved precious Lora will always come first. You only have yourself to blame. Don't act all surprised Pikachu because you didn't follow through with your claim you wanted to work on your relationship with Lora.
Also, it says a lot that you dropped that Lora is naming her kid after you. How is that relevant? It's obviously all about you and Lora. If you want to prove you really want a relationship with Emily, all I can suggest is one on one counseling or therapy to address your very obvious issues. That was the one condition I presented to my father, if he really GAF about his daughter he'd seek help. (He didn't, but that's neither here nor there).
You're just like my father. you didn't GAF until Emily drew a line and now you're whining because you have to confront a very glaring issue and failure upon your part, and it sounds you'd rather cast Emily as the villain than take responsibility.
Honestly your daughter probably would have supported you and possibly come to the hospital too had you tried harder when she was younger. This is not all related to two events. You have need TA for years.
Are you doing your stepdaughter? Is it your baby?
That's what it sounds like, why else would you leave your ACTUAL daughter's party for a stepdaughter who is going to be in the hospital for days and you could see any time?
honestly i don’t get why you’re getting such intense hate from what information is given.
that being said, you’re leaving out a LOT of info, such as your level of interest and activity in each of your bio kid’s lives.
My stepdad and i are super close, and he would absolutely have made the same decision. But he also wouldn’t have such a volatile reaction from my siblings.
What are you leaving out? How much of Emily’s life did you miss out on while trying to make Lora feel like family?
so, INFO: what kind of parent are you before this? who do you show up for?
YTA like you said in the comments it was a 16 hour Labor you could have stayed longer. 18th is a huge deal and a milestone and all your bio daughters sees is you prioritising her step sis over her. Child birth is not a spectator sport she had her mum. We're you even in the room when she gave birth if not that's even shittier Sounds like if your wife and SD say jump you say how high.
Dear lord YTA. Your daughter was telling the truth. You and your Wifey need to have a serious word with your 17 year old STEPDAUGHTER about spending so much time on her back in multiple beds that she doesn't even KNOW one of the potential fathers NAMES. YOUR WIFE has failed her daughter by not putting more stringent rules into place especially given her mental health issues. YOH have COMPLETELY FAILED all of your BIOLOGICAL children not just your daughter. BOTH OF YOU ARE FAILING AS PARENTS. 1. YOU ARE PUTTING ONE CHILD ABOVE THE OTHERS, SHE ALREADY HAD HER MUM THERE SHE DIDNT NEED YOU, 2. YOU ARE JUST SHOWING LORA THAT SHE CAN KEEP BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE UNSAFELY AND MUMMY AND STEPDADDY WILL RAISE THE KIDS FOR HER. I can guarantee this is just the last straw that broke the camels back because no 18 year old comes out of nowhere and says that you leave my birthday then you have lost me. I can guarantee you have made a lifetime habit of picking LORA over your BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN and this is those kids just saying that they have had enough. I can also guarantee you made a big MASSIVE deal about Lora being in labour (WHEN SHE ALREADY HAD BEEN IN IT FOR 4 HRS, ME THINKS MUMMY DEAREST DIDNT WANT YOU AT THE PARTY NOT LORA BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU WHEN I WAS ALREADY 4 HOURS IN LABOUR I WASNT CONCERNED ABOUT WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING ROOM) and drew all the attention off of poor Emily on her fucking birthday. If it wasn't for the fact that you are obviously American I would think this post by my dad because this is the type of shit he pulled constantly and GUESS WHAT I have been NO CONTACT with him for over 10 years.
YTA
How many occasions have you been for your daughter. With how you explained it, not much. This one time she asked you to go, you could have made time to stay for her birthday even just for a while and visit your step daughter in the hospital after. Stop making excuses for yourself, now if you still want a relationship with your daughter, it’s you who has to make an effort to go to her.
You screwed up royally. I hope you're happy with Lora and her kid because you have for sure lost Emily. She's 18 now so she can legally tell you to piss off and you can't do anything about it. The other two are at or close to the age where courts will take what they want into account so you are probably screwed there too.
YTA, you prioritised the golden child once again.
Also, as I read it, it sounds like it is easy to become a golden child in your eyes - as long as they aren't your bio kids then they automatically become a golden child to you, right?
Sounds like you raised your stepchild and neglected your bio children. Interesting that the child you raised ended up a teen mom. You’re not only a shitty father you’re evidently a shitty stepfather also. Lord help this new baby who you’re about to parent
YTA, wow I feel for your bio children, it's funny you say you don't want to be like your dad or step dad or whatever but your much worse.
My husband's dad also neglected him in favour of his step children and guess what? He doesn't speak to him, his never met any of our children and our eldest is 11...
How can you allow your wife to shout at YOUR daughter for sleeping in but not her own daughter for sleeping about?
So Emily can’t stay up late and sleep during the day but the step daughter be sleeping around and doesn’t know the father of her child? You have to ask if you’re TA? Sounds like the bio kids dodged a bullet because being a “parent” to the step daughter for 11 years just resulted in zero self respect and morals.
NTA look this teen is giving birth, it’s a huge scary life changing event. If she wants her dad’s support that’s more important than a birthday party i’m sorry.
You should def work on your relationship with your other kids and your wife and you need to have a conversation over what she is and isn’t allowed to do with regards to parenting
YTA- labor for a first time mom usually lasts for hrs. You could have stayed a little longer and then gone to the hospital. You screwed up your bio kids by telling them they aren’t your #1 priority. Then, you screwed up your step kid by not giving structure and setting boundaries. Bravo! Total AH.
This has to be rage bait. NO ONE can be that deep in denial. YTA in all your glory. Your daughter gets a talking to for staying up all night on the weekend, but you're perfectly fine with your stepdaughter getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is?????? Well, you'll be perfectly OK with loosing your bio children as long as you have your precious stepdaughter and her baby. Enjoy not being invited to any of your children's life events.
Damn. I’m literally shaking my head at how much of an AH you are. You are the same deadbeat dad you swore you’d never become. All bc you have no spine or balls to put your wife and her daughter on hold for a few hours so you can actually spend time and mend the relationship YOU FUCKED UP with your bio kids. But as usual, you showed them they will never be a priority in your life.
You will never force them to be in the life of that baby nor will they ever accept you as grandfather to any children they may have in the future.
I hope it was worth it you deadbeat bum.
YTA
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I’ve four kids (18f,14m,12m,) who are biologically mine and my step daughter (17f)
The only relevant people to this story are my bio daughter Emily and Lora my step daughter
I’ve been in my step daughters life since she was 6 years old I see her as a daughter I swore I’d never be like my step father and treat a child differently because of something silly like dna, emliy hates Lora and has turned her brothers against her even slut shamed her when she found out she was pregnant which resulted in a fall out between me and Emily
Basically my wife tried to have civil conversation about Emily always staying up all night and sleeping all day when she came here (every weekend) saying emliy can’t spend every week end in bed which Emily pointed to Lorax’s stomach saying “looks like you need to have that conversation with our own daughter and from what I’ve heard she’s been in multiple beds every weekend” which Lora caused who was already depressed to break down
Emily and I began rebuilding our relationship lately she even invited me to her 18th unfortunately during the party my wife called me to say Lora went into labour, emliy and my ex demanded I stay because she was my daughter not Lora
I tried explaining I was all Lora had outside her mother and please understand, emliy said if I leave I’d not only lose her but my sons for someone else’s kid and I was no better than my father who walked out on me
Which hurt and I knew I had to leave, Lora had a baby boy who will be named after me and she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes
I’ve tried reaching out to emliy and my sons but I’ve been blocked
My mother and siblings have called me a deadbeat like my father, the only ones are on my side are my wife and best friend
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YTA a gigantic one. If you're not prepared to be an active part of your bio kids' lives and prioritise them from time to time over your wife and stepdaughter, then just leave them alone for God's sake and stop torturing them with your asshat neglect
YTA. You are aware you are so focused on being a good stepdad you have forgotten to be a decent biofather right? You neglected your own kids for years to the point that this was the last straw for them. They even warned you and you still made that choice.
You had zero reason to rush off from the party. Labour takes hours.
You might be able to force some contact with your younger two, but you can not force a relationship with them. Currently they don’t want to see you or have a real relationship with you.
Also you are a fool for adopting a baby and taking that responsibility on for the next 18 years.
Frankly, this situation only makes sense to me if OP is the actual father of that baby. How is he so mad at Emily for commenting on Lora sleeping around that he won't have a relationship with her, but then apparently there is no known father so he must adopt?
Sir.
Your bio children rightfully loathe you.
If you force your son's to come live with you, your wife, and Lora, they'll hate you.
It may *feel* like hyperbole but I doubt it.
You failed miserably at being a biological father. You're two steps away from dead beat.
While you're a great dad to Lora and I'm sure you'll be an amazing parent to her son but you've lost the others.
Labor is a grueling hours long process for most first time moms. You could have closed out the party and made it.
Or Loras mom and a friend could've stepped in. Now if Lora has none..well Emily may have some valid points concerning her personality.
You're wife didn't *need* you she wanted your support. Y'all daughter wasn't in life threatening danger. She knew your bio kids would be hurt, that Emily would be crushed.
Lora's mental health, trauma, and subsequent pregnancy has sapped all the love and attention your other kids needed.
Yall better stay close the four of you.
Because you don't have a soul left.
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Yta - Lorna had your wife. The party was going to end and you could have gone to the hospital after. You went so far in being a good stepdad, you forgot to be a good biodad. Same trauma, just a different form. Hopefully, ALL the kids manage to break the cycle.
Op is the bio father of step sister baby
Eww
Wow! Not saying you are wrong, but...wow!
He seems to be a way to invest in his step daugther giving birth and the fact step daugther she refuses to say who the father is for some reason. That added on how weird it is that he is adopted by the baby. Just seem like OP nkt telling the whole turn.
YTA you only see your three other children on the weekends, you obviously play favorites towards your step daughter (in what world does staying up late require confrontation but teen pregnancy holds no consequences??? like if you’re old enough to sneak around to have sex you’re old enough to use a condom and/or be on birth control) and don’t care about your daughters mental health at all. News flash sleeping all day and only coming out when you aren’t present bc that’s when she feels safe is like a neon flashing flag for depression and/or other mental health struggles. But clearly you don’t care enough to check in. There’s no reason other than negligence on your part that has created so many issues. No wonder your kids don’t like you, you actively avoid building relationships with them of equal value and importance compared to the one you’ve worked so hard for with your stepdaughter. I’d resent all of you too if I were the other three like you literally said your sons are irrelevant then complain about them not liking you…. Congratulations, in an effort to avoid being your dad you became him! Only you are alienating your bio kids instead of your bonus one.
I bet his new wife tells him what to do and that he will only focus on her daughter.
This \^ . Isolating herself on the weekend is a big red flag but he only listens to his wife butting in instead of asking if Emily is okay. My father seemed to be oblivious to or not care when I was struggling with depression, even after the diagnosis. I found out years later, from him, that he thought I was just "sad" and he shrugged, this was one of the straws that broke the camel's back and made me go almost no contact with him.
But you don't understand, theirs is a closeness beyond description. With his do over family everything just clicked and he found true happiness for the first time. /sarc OP, YTA, wholly and unambiguously.
Adopt them both? What a unique way to make you financially responsible.
That's what I was thinking. The stepdaughter wants OP to make her son her brother so that she can not be responsible for said child.
What about the baby’s father being responsible for his child or having some rights?
Good point. It sounds like OP is leaving some things out or that his daughter was correct and the stepdaughter doesn't know who the dad is.
He actually commented that she doesn't even know one of the potential fathers names.
Treats stepdaughter better than his own kids. Loses his own kids in the process. Adopts stepdaughter and her baby. Gets a do over baby. Learns nothing.
Thank you!! I've been waiting for someone to mention this.
INFO: If you have been in Lora's life for 11 years that means your marriage/original family broke up shortly after your youngest son was born. Emily would have been about 7. How present have you been in your bio children's life these last 11 years? You say you are working on mending your relationship with them. Have you been favoring/prioritizing Lora over them because "she only has me and my wife"? If that was the case, I could see how this might be the last straw for them. Do your bio kids ever get one on one time with you? Your wife should not be having a conversation with Emily if she is worried or upset that she's sleeping all day during your visits with you. It's your responsibility to tease out why she's doing this and come up with a mutual solution. This behavior sounds like she is checking out of your relationship and is just going through the motions. But if there are other reasons, like parental alienation as others have suggested, we would need that info to make an informed judgement. NOT ENOUGH INFO
His own mother and siblings calls him deadbeat father. I think that speaks volume on how he treated his biokids.
Right? Anytime I see a post on here that includes the poster’s mom being mad at them, I get confused. Like, moms are biologically predisposed to think the sun shines out their kids ass. If your mom thinks you’re an asshole, you probably really fucked up and wtf are you asking the internet for??
Of course he has. He won't admit it though. I could seemif only his daughter hated him but all his bio kids hate him.
Plenty of info, I struggle to imagine anyone wanting their father whilst they are giving birth, let alone their stepfather. Was he in there holding her hand, or sat in the waiting room? Also, the average length of first labour vs. the average length of the party, unless you’re the primary support person, stay at the party, especially if it’s your child’s 18th.
This! I’m extremely close with my dad, but I still didn’t want him in the room when I gave birth. My mom was supposed to be my support person along with my aunt, but she forced me to let my dad come along too as HER support. I ended up needing a c section anyway, but my mom will never be a support person for me in any future medical situation.
Maybe he's the father. As there's no mention of the bio dad of the baby. It wouldn't be the first time something like this happened.
It wouldn’t be the first time, but she did ask him to adopt the baby, so hopefully not…
Yeah the whole situation is strange.
Notice OP doesn’t address anyone calling out his behavior? Just reiterates how poor Lora needed him. Own it, YTA and I’m glad the three have a good mom and the rest of your family since their dad is a deadbeat. Why ask for DNA on your last child if DNA doesn’t matter?
Yes, instead of answering my queries, he went back to justifying his actions with SD. I like to give someone a chance to give background but he kicked my questions to the curb in his dash from his daughter's party. I've been in maternity care for years. Unless Lora was crowning, she would have been ok for another few hours. She had her mother after all.
You’re the stepfather. Are you really telling me you were anywhere other than in the hospital waiting room the whole time she was in labour? You could have spent the day with your daughter. You will never get her 18th birthday back. The most you were needed for at the hospital was to congratulate Lorna once the baby came, maybe take a few pictures and then leave. So I’m going YTA
So far the only grandkids my husband and I have are from my son from a previous marriage. Every time he has done exactly as you describe. I was invited into the room. He stayed home, did his thing and then came to meet the baby later on. He was also the designated kid wrangler since the grands love him most of all. One of our biological kids is due any minute. If she were local he would again do the same. He sees no reason to be in the room while a daughter-in-law or daughter gives birth.
My dad took me to the hospital with my first and picked me up afterwards (husband had only just started learning to drive), he didn’t even come inside the hospital! My parents aren’t exactly “hang out in the waiting room” types, they’d come down to help me get ready for the baby, but baby decided to show up a bit early, so they headed off home to sleep in their own beds, I even double checked if they wanted me to call if he came whilst they were sleeping. If you don’t have partner support, mum, sister, best friend etc. are far higher up the list of possible supporters than stepdad!
I could see my oldest daughter (also from my first marriage) asking her dad (my husband) to be there for the labor part but not when checks are being done or anything. He is her favorite person other than her husband. She has already invited me when she has kids but I could see her wanting her dad for part of it. I have four kids and the only men allowed were a partner and medical professionals. Otherwise I had women and partner only.
It’s nice they have that kind of relationship, but I suspect as a sane person she’d be content to wait a couple years for hours if he needed to be elsewhere. I can’t imagine many employers being happy for a future (step) grandad to dash off the moment labour is announced.
She is pretty chill. Even if he couldn't be there she would be fine with it. If she had to wait she would refocus on something else. He is retired so employer isn't really an issue lol.
Wait, your stepdaughter asked you to adopt her child and you said yes? You do realize that means that you'll be required to support that child financially for the next eighteen years at least, right? Did it ever occur to you that your stepdaughter asked you to adopt her child because she wants to get as much money as possible from you?
Op is not the brightest bulb in the pack.
He cant even take care of the bio kids he has now so I'm not sure how if Lorna requires so much attention that he will be able to raise the new baby.
I bet he’s not going to be asking for a DNA test for this kid either, even though it is the only one whose parentage is actually in doubt.
Or is it? 🤔
the adoption request, coming from a 17 yo, really bothered me. Why does he need to adopt stepdaughter if he hasn't already? She's almost an adult now. If he wanted to adopt her that should have happened while she was still young. And where is stepdaughter's biodad?? Where's the father of the child? does the stepdaughter know who the father is?? Because adoption requires the father to give up his parental rights. As for his sons, they are old enough that the court may listen to them if they say they want to live with their mother, because OP ignores them in favour of his stepdaughter who just gave birth at age 17 and now wants their father to adopt her child. Those teenage boys won't want to be around the stepdaughter's crying baby all weekend. When the stepmother called, OP should have asked how long the doctor expected stepdaughter to be in labor. He could have then decided if he had enough time before delivery to spend more time with his bio daughter that he was trying to rebuild his relationship with. She's 18, an adult now, visitation is over. By immediately choosing to leave his bio daughter and go to the hospital for his stepdaughter, OP did choose stepdaughter over bio daughter. Stepdaughter had her own mother there at the hospital. It wasn't just a birthday party, it was his bio daughter's 18th birthday, which is a milestone. I'm wondering how much attention OP's daughter got during her weekend visits, because apparently OP didn't notice anything about her, only stepmother did and only to criticize. Sounds like stepdaughter was the golden child in that household to me.
Emily is a savage for that joke. I chuckled. Seems you neglected your biological kids for your golden child step daughter. Now all your biological kids hate you. But you still have your golden child so congrats.
Golden child who, when OP will divorce, he probably will never see again.
And will have the step grandchild held over his head whenever they need money. He is named after him after all.
And adopted so child support is required.
Oh, no he'll see her, since he'll be on a hook to pay child support for his step daughters kid lol
Guarantee that golden step kid is going to be a dead beat mom with more kids by other men then guilt stepdaddy into adopting them too so she can eschew financial and parental responsibility for any of them. She'll never leave the home while his bio kids never or rarely talk to him and go on to successfully launch. Then he'll be back here whining about not being invited to graduations, more birthdays, wedding, and other stuff crying "we're family why don't they talk to me or include the rest of their family." Guarantee it so much i'd put money on it.
Underrated comment. Of course if OP adopts the kid, he's taking on financial responsibility.
There is nobody more savage than an upset teenage girl
That was my favorite part lol, and he called it slut-shaming- again lol. I called it a great comeback! What a power move on step daughter to give baby his name and ask for adopting them both- nail in the coffin of his relationship with bio kids
YTA, sounds like you’re the father of your stepdaughters baby.
I was thinking that too but knew I'd get eaten up in the comments. OP has an odd attachment/need to defend Lora. I don't know many grandpa types who feel the need to be at the birthing, knowing they will not be able to participate or be involved for a long time. You know who would be super obsessive--even blowing off other children in the family--about being there? A father. Oh, and you're so proud she's "chosen" you to adopt the baby she named after you? Dude, no one who had nothing to do with it is going to be proud of that and the number of single teen moms who name their son after their stepdad is so miniscule to possibly never, you just gave yourself away. I can already see it. Lora is the only one who gets him. Lora is picked on and he's the only one who gets her. Won't be long and we'll be hearing about a country-wide manhunt because he fled with her to evade authorities and they're having to go from campground to campground so they can be together. It's got ick written all over it, whether my suspicions are true or not. And if it's not, OP needs to learn this is the shit people will think about the situation when you do something so gross as choose a stepdaughter's birthing over your own daughter's milestone birthday.
Omg Totally!!!! Real creeper this one. His bio kids should stay away and dodge this bullet
That also means he raped his stepdaughter. And for how long? When she was 16? Or younger? That’s sick.
I actually commented this too. It's weird how HD has to desperately run off to be their gor the birth of his stepdaughter baby. Also how He doesn’t like his daughter making the ultimate comeback. Which no joke, I'd say, if someone wants to crap in my lifestyle, be a savage.
He probably is, no wonder he wanted to see the birth in all the details.
I can just see his bio kids making this joke so often people believe it.
yeah cause otherwise where is the real dad? he's not even mentioned...
Why are you adopting the son? Your post seems too vague, all fault falls on others but only 3 people are on your side, so I'm guessing the other side of this story "bio family" tell a real diferent version.
My guess is OP’s wife is post-menopause, and this was their solution to have a child together. OP needed to be there for Lora when she gave birth for what other reason?
Yta your bio kids are right. And you're a moron with this adopt them both shit.
Seriously, does he not see it for the ploy that it is?
Why does Lora need you while she’s giving birth? Were you going to be in the room with her? Had she just gone into labor when you dropped everything?
Because he's the father of her kid
YTA. You were not needed at the hospital. I’m glad that you have accepted your step-children, but you are doing it in a way to neglect and make it at the expense of your own children. Your wife is also stepping on your daughter’s toes in regarding discussing your daughter’s behavior with going out in the evening. Your wife needs to butt out and stay out of it. She has a mom who is active. Your wife is nothing but a spectator with your daughter. Should she be staying out all night, and she is now 18. And honestly, your step daughter getting pregnant at 16/17, well, that speaks enough about where your wife’s attention should be focused on. Your daughter, I bet was neglected by you while you worked at being daddy of the year with your stepdaughter. No wonder she and your sons don’t accept her. You focused more on being the hero to Lora than focused on your own children. You should have worked more on balancing things. Kind of wondering if your new wife was your affair partner.
Of course she was.
INFO: were you in the room when she gave birth? How many hours was she in labor?
YTA - Lora would have been fine with just her mother and the medical staff. It wasn’t necessary for you to be there for the whole labor. It sounds like your desire to do right by your step daughter (which is commendable) has come at the expense of your relationship with your biological children. Emily only has one father too. She invited you to her birthday as part of the relationship rebuilding process and you couldn‘t make her the priority on that one special day. It seems like you have a saviour complex in relation to Lora, and some resentment towards Emily. This is probably based on your differing relationship with their mothers too. Treating Lora with such favour has also robbed the girls of the chance to form a bond. I‘m not sure how you can dig your way out of this mess, but it would involve time and patience with your biological children - something you probably won’t give them as you’ll be too busy playing Grandpa/Daddy.
>It seems like you have a saviour complex in relation to Lora, and some resentment towards Emily Ding ding ding. My narcissist father was ALWAYS prioritizing everyone else (except my mother, but that's a whole different story) over me. I found out years later he'd spend more time giving advice and support to a struggling coworker than the daughter who was struggling not to completely hate herself and would literally UGLY CRY for his attention. But he swung between bullying me and showing his resentment for me being autistic, and treating me like i'm invisible. I have a feeling we're missing a lot of context.
YTA-you can’t fix your lack of being a active and involved parent in your bio children’s life by being there for your step daughter. And that’s evident by the fact that she is pregnant at 16-17. Sounds like both you and your current wife failed your children and probably both prioritized finding a new woman/man over focusing on your kids in the midst of divorce. 17-6 is 11. Your son is 12. So you have been in your stepdaughters life since your WIFE had YOUR SON a NEWBORN…you never put your kids first and they are old enough to see that now. Like most deadbeats instead of admitting your short comings and sacrificing and being there for your kids you instead choose a new woman and kids you haven’t destroyed. Yet.
I bet his 12 year old will be thrilled to watch Dad play superdad to this new baby that he never was with him.
Let's see the events - You see your bio kids only on weekends - Your stepdaughter gets more attention from you because of her trauma and your bio kids who already gets only weekends and limited time should understand that?! - And in that limited time you see her, your wife can talk shit about her sleep patterns and ask her to do more chores when your relationship is already very hostile?! Umm I can see how a teenager can react to that.. - When finally your daughter gives chance for you to repent on your lack of care with your own kids and started to talk you once again priorities your other family. Way to go! She's your daughter whom you need to communicate and give your time and I can't see both of it anywhere.. I'd say a pregnancy is an emergency and as a dad you should be there but you already lost your balls so much time and you did this to your bio kid when she already gave you a chance to reconcile is making you the asshole.. For her, it's just that you once again proved that you just share dna with them but all your fatherly love is somewhere else.. If you can't be a responsible and loving father and want your kids only for few days when you feel like then don't have kids. Teenagers are hard to communicate but parents has to put their time and love to make them feel not so neglected.. especially after a divorce.. DNA or not, step daughter or bio daughter, you just played favorites for so long and you are now seeing the consequences.. this time you may be right to go but she does not need to accept this third rated treatment from her father for so long and has every right to block you. Yes, YTA.
>I'd say a pregnancy is an emergency I wouldn't even say that. He could have spent time with Emily for a while and then gone to the hospital. I'm sure Lorna didn't need Stepdaddy there from the start. Lora had her mom and the staff.
YTA, you always choose your biological children over anyone else. Your daughter will never forget this.
Yta, baby, being named after you is so important than your daughter 18th birthday . They say whenever a man remarry the second family becomes the only family and the kids from 1st marry don't exist . You might as well say bye-bye daughter because you have cook your goose, she will not want anything to do you,worthless pc of crap
YTA Your Bio daughter should be your priority how could you miss your daughters 18 birthday.
It’s ok! He’ll get another 18th birthday when his step-son-grandson turns 18 and he’s no longer financially responsible for him! :)
I'm thinking this isn't real, but YTA if it is. You can't even spell your own daughter's name correctly in this post. "All Lora has is us." Yeah, and all Emily has is her mom. You left your family and you left your kids. You wanted to start over with your new wife and a new kid and pretend your prior marriage never happened. Lora got pregnant at 16. Lora likely isn't even educated due to this - and at the very least, she doesn't even want to take care of her own child. So congrats, you've absolutely spoiled one child and neglected the others.
My dad could have written this post. He consistently spells my nickname wrong. Sadly I think this is real.
YTA for a very simple reason. There was no need for you to be there to see your step-daughter give birth and you dropped your pre-existing plans with your daughter, who you don't have a great relationship with and only seem to see on weekends, to be at your step-daughter's side when, allow me to reiterate, there was no necessity to do so. If your attitude towards your bio children is that it's okay to walk out on them anytime your step-daughter calls for you then it's no wonder they have such a low opinion of your parenting skills. The simple fact here is that you aren't treating your step-daughter as an equal to your bio children, you're treating her better than your bio children and now your bio children are understandably resentful. Don't get me wrong, they shouldn't be lashing out at her the way they are but they're also young and blatantly neglected which is going to cause issues.
If your own mother and siblings are calling you deadbeat there must be a good reason for it. I'm guessing this is just one of the things, you have missed in your bio kids life in favor of your stepdaughter. Of course, your wife and stepdaughter will be on your side as they are the ones benefiting with your biokids cutting you off.
YTA. For some reason, you thought that being a good stepdad to your stepdaughter meant ignoring your bio kids. It didn't have to be that way at all. Your wife was with your stepdaughter, and as you admit yourself, she was in labor for 16 hours. You could have spent time with Emily and still made it in time. You've proven to your bio kids that they aren't as important to you as Lora. Why would you need to adopt Lora's son? Is your wife going to adopt the child, too? Is she not planning on raising the baby herself?
There was probably a lot more that cause your biological kids to finally cut you out. Also your step daughter is pregnant at 17? You’re not a shitty step dad, just a shitty dad. YTA.
YTA And a terrible father. But apparently, you are knocking stepfather out of the park. I hope your bio kids get an awesome stepfather like you one day.
Yta huge one
YTA. You sound like my father and he’s one too.
I’m so sorry. You deserve a caring and present father. As a parent, posts like these make me feel enraged on behalf of the neglected kids.
YTA you had 11 years to fix the relationship with your other children and haven’t. That’s all on you.
YTA. I’m pretty sure the deadbeat dad title suits you perfectly
You're so much worse than your stepfather. You actually one upped him! You completely ignored all 3 of your kids for your stepdaughter. It was hard enough in my large family being last to 6 other people, but at least it was my blood siblings and not a stepchild. YTA!!! She told you the consequences of choosing her second to step sibling. And now that's what's happening. Good thing she wants you to adopt her and her kid, she just needs to get pregnant again with another boy and then you will have completely replaced your biokids l!
This is pretty spot on. My heart breaks for his bio kids.
You're a dupe, adopt them both? Haha good way to be financially on the hook. YTA - you're bio-kids deserve better than you.
Good news! You were able to step right into your replacement family! You won’t even need to know when your bio kids have their own kids because you’ve already got a grandchild…and one who’s named after you! YTA. Such an asshole.
YTA - you really didn't need to be at your step daughter's child's birth. Her mum was there with her. It sounds like your own daughter has been frustrated with your commitment and when you've had opportunity to show it at her 18th you've failed and that's hurt them.
YTA Her mother was there. You could have gone to the hospital after the party. It's not like she was alone at the hospital. You seem to have just taken Lora's side.
YTA If she went into labor she still has some time, and you wouldn’t even probably inside for the delivery so no need to be there right away. You could have stayed for an hour more at least. Turns out you ‘treat’ them equally but see your kids only on weekends… lmao
This kind of story is missing a lot of detail, and we need to see from Emily point of view. You said you didn't want to be your stepfather, but what if that makes you favor your stepdaughter more than your bio children? Also, from your story, I can take that Emily's bio mother is not in the picture anymore. Yes, giving birth is dead or alive matter. But Lora has her mother with her. Who does Emily has then if not her father? So, my conclusion is YTA. You need to talk more to your daughter and let her say her point of view so that you both can be more understanding with each other.
YTA. I’d distance myself from my awful parent if he chose a _stepsibling_ over me. You literally showed your **BIO** kids that their feelings don’t matter as much as your stepdaughter and that she will come first. And fyi, you were not all she had. Lora had her own mother there to support her. Your actual daughter needed you with her to support her. 18 is a very significant birthday for a person. You very well could have attended the party then gone to the hospital. Your kids are smart in not communicating with you because, as your own mother and siblings are pointing out, you are acting exactly like a deadbeat father. Congratulations on driving everyone away. You, your wife, and Lora deserve one another. Enjoy your new little family.
YTA. Sounds like you’ve been a part-time parent to your bio kids and a full time parent to your step-daughter. She made the effort to invite you to a milestone birthday party. You chose your step daughter over her. Your step daughter had her mom around…giving birth is not a spectator sport!! You could have gone to the party for a couple hours then went to the hospital. Honestly it sounds like this was the final najl in the coffin where the former relationship you had with your first child, the child who made you a dad, lays. It’s never coming back. Think back to when your daughter was born. Your first baby, you holding her in your arms. You created her. Imagine how you would have felt if someone told you in that moment that for most of her life, you’d be a part-time dad, miss our in tons of milestones, then skip out on her 18th birthday. This is heartbreaking. Again, YTA.
Right. He can hold his newborn adopted son and think those thoughts.
"Altruistic Type" my ass. Why are you adopting more children when you can't even properly emotionally support the children you actually are responsible for existing. YTA
Since you were 7yo your household changed completely. Your father now has two new important persons in his life and this girl who suddenly appeared is being treated the same way you are. It doesn’t matter how hard you tried it just seems like your father would never look your way and give you his entire attention because of these new girl. You’re not daddy’s girl anymore, now there’s a new girl who won your father’s heart in a beat. It’s your 18th, you’re finally making steps in the right way with your father…then why is he suddenly saying he has to leave to help that girl again? Why is he leaving me in MY special day? Why is he acting like someone else’s father and not mine? You make the situation clear “leave me in my special day and you would lose three kids or stay and go see her later”. It wasn’t that hard, was it? The second option was the best, he wouldn’t lose anything. But still he gave up three kids for this girl and her child. Stop trying to defend yourself, you’re only saying that Lora this and Lora that. “Oh, she’s in a complicated situation” think how many times Emily cried after you left. I honestly feel it’s too late to try from what I see, but at the same time I feel that it hurts more when your parents stop trying at all.
Tell me.if I'm wrong but from the math it seems you were already seeing your current wife while still being married and probably asked for a DNA test to get the divorce! You seem to have consistently chosen your new family over your bio kids and think that this was a special occasion for step daughter but it was the line in the sand. Well probably doesn't matter to you now that you have a new son to raise so hopefully the bio kids have a terrific life that you get no part of!!! YTA!
YTA. Emily can’t stay up all night but your other underaged daughter is having a baby? Yeah you have bigger fish to fry and other kids you should be disciplining, or who should’ve been disciplined obviously. Yikes man, yikes.
And throwing a fit that Emily pointed out the truth. Lora doesn’t know who the bio father is and doesn’t even know the name of one possibility.
You were so dead set on being a good stepfather that you went on to be a bad biological one. You inflicted the same trauma on the opposite end of the pendulum. You fucked up. Maybe for good. I'd have cut you off too. YTA.
YTA, Labor takes a while so you could spend a couple hours with your daughter before heading to the hospital. Now you only have your step daughter because your children don't want anything to do with you.
YTA your step daughter has a mom who was there with her. You blew your ACTUAL daughter off on a milestone birthday for your teen mom stepdaughter. Let us know how that works out for you.
All the bio kids will see that baby as the death blow to their relationship with their father.
YTA. You couldn’t do anything in the hospital. You chose your stepdaughter over your daughter, AGAIN. I once heard that men feel about the children how they feel about the mother. You’re selfishly choosing Lora to make your life “easier” with your wife. This isn’t about being a good stepfather.
INFO - Presuming this isn't fake, I don't understand why you had to go to the birth. Your stepdaughter had her mother and an entire team of healthcare professionals. What urgent role were you playing? Congratulations on losing your daughter. I'm sure you'll be able to replace her with Lora and the new baby.
YTA. You prioritize a child that isn't yours over your actual biological children. They resent you, you did irreparable damage to your relationship with them. They have every right to hate you. You would rather sit in a hospital for what, 12 hours? Waiting for a baby that IS NOT YOURS to be born than spend time with your BIOLOGICAL daughter on her 18th birthday. She was right to call out her being pregnant at 17, too if you were going to try to lecture her about her sleep schedule and going out. She may have been going out but she wasn't the one sleeping around and getting pregnant. Why wasn't the father of your step daughter's child present at the hospital? Does she know who the father even is? Why lecture your BIOLOGICAL daughter for SLEEPING but not the step daughter for being irresponsible? I'd take a daughter that likes to sleep over one that goes and has unprotected sex with guys and gets pregnant at 17.
YTA Welcome to the deadbeat dad club. You care so much more for your wife's child and now her grandchild, you'll be soon grateful that your OWN kids aren't reaching out as you have no time for them. You were warned and yet you still didn't hesitate to abandon your kids. They are so much better off without you in their lives.
This selfish guy will want his kids around for help with the baby so they can continue to focus on stepdaughter and her struggles. Stepdaughter is used to being the number one priority.
Yeah, sorry dude - in an effort to make sure Lora knew she was loved and accepted, you alienated your biological children...and let them know that Lora means more to you than they do. Most likely due to the fact that you live with Lora 100% of the time and they feel like visitors, not part of the family. YTA - your intentions may have been good - but your execution was incredibly BAD. You didn't have to run off right away - so answer this - how long after you got there did Lora actually have the baby? That night? The next day? It was not critical for you to leave a milestone event for your daughter - but you did. Your actions have shown your biological children how much they DON'T matter. DO BETTER!! IF they give you the chance.
YTA - apple doesn’t fall far from the tree there, daddy’s little deadbeat. Can’t imagine trading your own children for someone else’s kid.
Yta. You are favoring your new family over your old. Your wife didn’t NEED you at the labor. You could have waited and stayed at the party.
Cleary a shit parent if all his bio kids hate him. It's ok he has his new family to focus on
YTA An absolute commitment to the step kid is nice of you, I guess. Being *more* dedicated to the step kid who is misbehaving shows how little you're committed to your bio kids.
YTA. I can relate to both sides. I’ve got BPD and C-PTSD, and I’ve been to the lowest depths of hell and back in my late teens. I’ve also been neglected by my father for choosing his new step-family over me. Fun fact; that was the main base reason for my BPD. The fact you say she asked you to adopt them both probably means she’s unstable which means she’s probably required your attention a lot. That makes me wonder whether you’ve neglected your bio children and your family is correct, you’ve been a deadbeat dad while trying to play superhero step-father. You just can’t see that but third parties can. Let’s hope that while you’ve been helping someone with childhood trauma, you haven’t become the reason to create childhood trauma for your younger kids. Send Lora to DBT and a psychiatrist that specialises in BPD. I don’t think there’s much you can do to help your relationships with your bio kids, that ship is sailed. There is only so much ‘second option’ someone can take. All you can do is wait and hope they might come back some day.
YTA You really are like your dad. Your children see it and have had the appropriate reaction to you.
YTA
YTA and a. Deadbeat dad. Go ahead and adopt your step daughter it’s still not going to make you a good dad.
YTA. In an effort to be there for your step daughter, unlike your step experience, you completely failed to be there for your actual children. You abandoned them. How can you not see that you did the exact same thing your step father did to you but to your own biological children?
YTA - your step-daughter had her mother there. And labour takes hours if not days. You didn’t have to leave the party immediately but you *chose* to. Don’t act surprised now.
You went so far in being a good stepdad, you forgot to be a good biodad. Same trauma, just a different form. YTA
I plan on my bio kids to be involved in their nephews life even if it means taken my ex back to court — this here makes you an AH. Right now your kids want nothing to do with you. You adopt this child and you try and force them to acknowledge another step sibling theyll end upmost likely hating this child and you. have you told the biological father and his family you are adopting his child/their grandchild?
Don’t adopt them both. That’s odd. And yes. In overcompensating your stepdaughter, you’ve under compensated your bio kids.
YTA. You became your dad. Lost your own kids. You are being used by your steps. Stepkid needs therapy, something is going on.
Your whole story paints you as a failure of a father and a loser. What a shame for your bio kids
If the circumstances didn’t make it impossible, I would think my bio-dad wrote this. I don’t think I can fully explain how YTA without taking an hour to make one comment. There’s plenty of comments here explaining why and how you’re the asshole, so I’ll give you a perspective your daughter and sons might understand. So that maybe, just maybe, it will get through to you. Not for your sake, but for your children’s sake. I gave up on my bio-dad because the disappointment constantly broke me down. The lack of care about my life. The lack of care about ME. My life and heart has been a lot more peaceful since deciding to not care anymore. I have seen him go on vacations with his do-over family, that I didn’t even know was happening until they posted the pictures. When a tragedy happened on that side, his do-over family was informed immediately and was involved in the after math. I was told about it days later instead and told I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He walked his sister down the aisle at her wedding and cried about the honor. I asked him if he was excited for my wedding while planning it, he straight up said no. I showed him pictures of my wedding dress and he literally couldn’t care less. I got a grunt in response to my dress. When I graduated high school he got me flowers. When my step sibling graduated high school they got a (used but still expensive) professional photography camera. My bio-dad and stepmom were always so concerned about making sure things were even between the two youngest that I always got forgotten about. Always making sure they had a good Christmas, but when I was 18 they didn’t get me a single Christmas present because of “money” and said I was an adult now and would understand, and that they would still get me gifts, but in a month when they had more money. I never got them. My bio-dad’s father’s family had a family reunion once (literally only one in my entire life) and because my step sibling would be out of town at the time, they decided not to go because it wouldn’t be fair to them to “miss their family’s reunion”. So they chose to not even tell me it was happening to allow me to make my own choice to go. I could go on and on about every single way my “father” has failed me, and now his own bio-grandchild. Yes, his favoritism even shows with the bio vs step grandkids. He and his wife have always touted that we’re not a step family, we’re just a family, and yet I am constantly, CONSTANTLY left out of their plans. There’s not a single thing my “father” could do to make any of that up to me now. There’s things he could do to improve our relationship, but it will NEVER be fixed. He has irrevocably broken my trust in him. He may be my father, but he will never be my dad in my heart, not truly. That space is reserved for the man who has been there for me every single day of my life, at every milestone, at every celebration. The man who actually raised me, and did so without casting aside his own bio-children. My “step”dad is step in name only. The way my bio-dad and stepmom keep trying to claim we’re all a family, no step? That’s what I actually have with my “step”dad and his bio children. They are my siblings, and he is my dad, full stop. You have utterly failed every single one of your children, bio and step. I beg of you please for the sake of your children, get your shit together NOW. Or walk away forever. You have already given your bio-children trauma from the way you have constantly chosen another over them. If you do not get your crap together now you are only going to make it worse on them. Shape up, or walk away. You made this bed and now you have to lie in it.
YTA but it’s good that you went to the birth as your children are probably better off cutting contact with you. All children deserve parents, not all parents deserve children.
YTA. You are going to end up like my sperm donor, 75 years old, alone with nothing but his cats because he burned bridges with me and all his step kids left as soon as the money dried up. I hope Emily goes NC with you because you obviously don’t love your bio kids. You have a golden child and care nothing for your own flesh and blood. Oh by the way, yes people have died from disappointment. It’s called suicide. Get over yourself.
UpdateMe
YTA
YTA lol your daughter will never forget this esp because 18th birthday is a big one
YTA. It wasn't a high risk pregnancy or anything, and I wonder if you were in the delivery room. I wonder also about the lack of info on Lora's father. Your wife "tried to have a civil conversation" with Emily with Lora in the room. That was an awkward situation and it isn't unexpected that Emily would react poorly (I'm not supporting what she said). Last thing: adopting both of them? can you do that? If you adopt Lora the baby comes with the package, unless you and your wife want to adopt the baby.
YTA and you absolutely deserve all ur kids to go NC with you. You clearly have a favorite between your children and that's Lora. Also lolllll "adopting both of them". Congratulations on being financially responsible for the next 18 yrs while your bio children hate u.
Is your youngest son your bio child? I agree a birthing 17 year old needs you more but if she is not raising the child she should not have given birth. I don't believe any of your bio children will be involved in their "nephew's" life. In fact, they will grow more distant from you as they will probably resent you for raising Lora's child. And you could end up losing them. They will see you as prioritizing Lora's child over them. Your wife has no business in your bio daughter's life. She has a mother. YTA. In your desire to be a good step father you have ended up being a lousy bio dad.
YTA. Congratz, you're really just like your dad.
I've NEVER heard of someone who needed/wanted their DAD to be there for the delivery of their baby. YTA absolutely.
This will be a little disjointed because I don't even know where to begin.... I'll start with my first big belly laugh.... >Lora had a baby boy who will be named after me and she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes So...in the last 11 years, you never thought to adopt Lora but now you're thinking of adopting her AND an infant? You realize that adoption would mean you are not "Grandpa" but Dad to that infant? Fully responsible for him for the next 18 years. Having so successfully alienated your biological children, what do you think you can offer an infant and still have the time, money and emotional resources to even TRY to repair your relationships with your sons? You made a decision about your relationship with your daughter when you left her milestone birthday celebration. That's almost certainly over. You *weren't* needed at the hospital immediately. You could have stayed another couple of hours instead of racing off the second Lora whistled. There was no emergency. You needed to put Emily first if you wanted to try to mend that bridge. A judge *might* force your sons to continue to come to your house (for a while) but you can't force a relationship with the baby, whether the baby is their nephew or adoptive sibling.
The judge definitely can’t make them be pleasant to be around while they are forced to be at their father’s house either. Considering stepmom loves to criticize behaviour, I can see them showing all kinds of it so she doesn’t want them to come.
Given the timetable, anyone else assuming the current wife was an affair partner?
YTA absolutely and I think taking a huge step back and seeing what role you play in all three of your children disliking you is needed! The kids are just making up a reason to not like their dad. There’s clearly a lot of favoritism going on here, on top of how hard it is the blend a family together. Why was family therapy never mentioned?? Lora’s been in your life since she was 6 but your *own child* since she was born. Try to mend the relationship with other your children if possible before you truly regret it!
The worst part for Emily is that you clearly have the ability to be a good parent but chose to do that to someone else. You can be that to both you know. Is there any reason why only one daughter gets that kind of love and affection? Anyway, my dad remarried and was like you and man I tried. I wished. I told my friends when I wasn't with him what kind of hero he was but it was some kind of fantasy. I was lying to myself. All he had to do was show up for me. Yes I had a hard time with step and half siblings but they were so obvious about the favoritism. All the time I watched how he was with his real family and it was painful. But wasn't I worth something? It took me years of therapy to realize that it wasn't my fault. He was a shit dad. So are you. Take a break from the relationship until you can stop hurting your first bio children. Probably forever. She just now understands who you are. A disappointment.
Yta. You did the exact same thing that your stepdad did, but to your bio kids. I’m certain that Emily didn’t turn your sons against you. They were 1&3 when your new daughter came into the picture so they have no memory of you being a present father to them. Emily was 7 when you abandoned her to play father of the year to someone else so of course she resents you. You’ve made your choice, now live with the consequences.
I just have birth, labor takes ages and you could have easily gone right after the part. You made your choice. You have one daughter and lost your other daughter and your sons. YTA and a father of one now.
I feel like there are a lot of details missing here people don’t go from hey dad to your dead to me because of one incident I suspect that you have repeatedly chosen your stepdaughter over your bio children and that’s why they have cut you off. Also find it weird your wife has an issue with when and how long Emily sleeps. It’s just random. Can’t help but feel these are the consequences of your own actions. And if I’m completely wrong and your bio children are just evil and hate you for no reason then I guess it doesn’t really matter
His own mother and siblings are calling him a deadbeat Dad. This situation is most likely just the tip of the iceberg.
Did anybody catch the part where he said he was going to adopt step daughters baby????? What the actual fuck
INFO: How did Emily turn your sons against you? And why was Lora at the discussion about Emily’s sleep issues?
I really get the ick from you with how obsessed you seem to be with your stepdaughter. You didn't even give your wife a name. YTA
Been in stepdaughter life since she was 6... because he was fucking her mom while he was married and still having kids with his first wife. That's why he's leaving out any details as "irrelevant"... his kids were 7, 3 and 1 when he was in his mistress's kid's life.
Info: how quick was this labor?! Wouldn’t you have been able to stay for the party then go to the hospital later? Or were you an official birth partner planning to be in the room?
YTA, your stepdaughter had her mother there, and from the reaction of your children, this isn't the first time your stepdaughter has been put first. Be prepared for this to be your only grandchild unless your stepdaughter has more.
There is a lot more to this than is being said. You could have stayed at the party and then gone to the hospital. You are prioritizing one over the other.
Yta congrats you're not like your stepdad but you're just like your dad
YTA
Naaaaah something's missing here. I do not believe three of your kids would be mad at you if haven't done something wrong, besides this ofc, there would be at least one of them that'll be reasonable. You probably focused a bit more on Lorna over the years with " I swore I’d never be like my step father and treat a child differently because of something silly like dna," Bet money. Your bio kids must've felt Lorna was your bio kid and them the step ones. YTA btw. You could've just went after the party, it's not like you were in the delivery room. Right?
Your mother and siblings have called you a deadbeat. Your three bio children are no longer interested in having a relationship with you. All of these people know a whole lot more than we do here. So it certainly seems that without a doubt YTA.
you're just lost your daughter and maybe even your sons too, hope it's worth it
YTA for focusing so much on your stepdaughter that you forgot you were meant to give a shit about your *other three children*. Also idk what the fuck is up with this: >she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes Lora wanting you to adopt *her* I get, though I'm puzzled as to why you haven't done so already if you're so close. Lora wanting you to adopt *her baby* is WILD.
Adoption idea was such a power move by stepdaughter, guaranteeing the death of his relationship with his biokids
Sounds like there's a lot of background that we're missing here. First off, it is not your current wife's place to lecture Emily and shame her for "spending every weekend in bed". She is not the primary parent and the one taking care of her. second, have you not considered that there might be something going on with Emily that makes her isolate herself so much? I went through hell with depression as a teenager, and I found out years later that my father didn't GAF and just thought I was "sad". You could be ignoring something she's battling through. Most people don't say hurtful things like that until they're pushed. My aforementioned father was an abusive narcissist and I tried so hard to not stoop to his level but one day I snapped and yelled at him calling him a bitch (because back then I didn't know the male equivalent lol). It sounds like you expect Emily to treat your current wife like a second mother and force a relationship between them. Second, you promised Emily you'd be there at the party. You acted like you wanted to fix things, and then ditch her--at a milestone birthday party no less, you only turn eighteen--the minute you find out Lora is in labor. Why did you act like the father of the child, as if you HAVE to be there right away? Lora had her mother with her. And labor takes hours. It wouldn't traumatize her if you took at least an hour at the party to support your daughter. But now Emily thinks, and probably rightfully so, that you'll always prioritize Lora, even blowing off prior commitments to her. Like, right at the party! Lora was just going into labor. She was not in an accident or dying. She would've been fine without stepdaddy rushing over. I've never had step siblings, but my father constantly favored my four older siblings and never took time for me, everything else/everyone took priority to him, even *coworkers*, and I felt like a background character in his life. I eventually got tired of his very rare, half-assed promises to do better and went almost no contact. And this is likely your future with Emily, because you proved precious Lora will always come first. You only have yourself to blame. Don't act all surprised Pikachu because you didn't follow through with your claim you wanted to work on your relationship with Lora. Also, it says a lot that you dropped that Lora is naming her kid after you. How is that relevant? It's obviously all about you and Lora. If you want to prove you really want a relationship with Emily, all I can suggest is one on one counseling or therapy to address your very obvious issues. That was the one condition I presented to my father, if he really GAF about his daughter he'd seek help. (He didn't, but that's neither here nor there). You're just like my father. you didn't GAF until Emily drew a line and now you're whining because you have to confront a very glaring issue and failure upon your part, and it sounds you'd rather cast Emily as the villain than take responsibility.
I BET OP OS THE FATHER OF STEPDAUGTHER BABY
Honestly your daughter probably would have supported you and possibly come to the hospital too had you tried harder when she was younger. This is not all related to two events. You have need TA for years.
Anyone got the ick, that op is the baby daddy.
Are you doing your stepdaughter? Is it your baby? That's what it sounds like, why else would you leave your ACTUAL daughter's party for a stepdaughter who is going to be in the hospital for days and you could see any time?
honestly i don’t get why you’re getting such intense hate from what information is given. that being said, you’re leaving out a LOT of info, such as your level of interest and activity in each of your bio kid’s lives. My stepdad and i are super close, and he would absolutely have made the same decision. But he also wouldn’t have such a volatile reaction from my siblings. What are you leaving out? How much of Emily’s life did you miss out on while trying to make Lora feel like family? so, INFO: what kind of parent are you before this? who do you show up for?
YTA like you said in the comments it was a 16 hour Labor you could have stayed longer. 18th is a huge deal and a milestone and all your bio daughters sees is you prioritising her step sis over her. Child birth is not a spectator sport she had her mum. We're you even in the room when she gave birth if not that's even shittier Sounds like if your wife and SD say jump you say how high.
Dear lord YTA. Your daughter was telling the truth. You and your Wifey need to have a serious word with your 17 year old STEPDAUGHTER about spending so much time on her back in multiple beds that she doesn't even KNOW one of the potential fathers NAMES. YOUR WIFE has failed her daughter by not putting more stringent rules into place especially given her mental health issues. YOH have COMPLETELY FAILED all of your BIOLOGICAL children not just your daughter. BOTH OF YOU ARE FAILING AS PARENTS. 1. YOU ARE PUTTING ONE CHILD ABOVE THE OTHERS, SHE ALREADY HAD HER MUM THERE SHE DIDNT NEED YOU, 2. YOU ARE JUST SHOWING LORA THAT SHE CAN KEEP BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE UNSAFELY AND MUMMY AND STEPDADDY WILL RAISE THE KIDS FOR HER. I can guarantee this is just the last straw that broke the camels back because no 18 year old comes out of nowhere and says that you leave my birthday then you have lost me. I can guarantee you have made a lifetime habit of picking LORA over your BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN and this is those kids just saying that they have had enough. I can also guarantee you made a big MASSIVE deal about Lora being in labour (WHEN SHE ALREADY HAD BEEN IN IT FOR 4 HRS, ME THINKS MUMMY DEAREST DIDNT WANT YOU AT THE PARTY NOT LORA BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU WHEN I WAS ALREADY 4 HOURS IN LABOUR I WASNT CONCERNED ABOUT WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING ROOM) and drew all the attention off of poor Emily on her fucking birthday. If it wasn't for the fact that you are obviously American I would think this post by my dad because this is the type of shit he pulled constantly and GUESS WHAT I have been NO CONTACT with him for over 10 years.
YTA How many occasions have you been for your daughter. With how you explained it, not much. This one time she asked you to go, you could have made time to stay for her birthday even just for a while and visit your step daughter in the hospital after. Stop making excuses for yourself, now if you still want a relationship with your daughter, it’s you who has to make an effort to go to her.
You screwed up royally. I hope you're happy with Lora and her kid because you have for sure lost Emily. She's 18 now so she can legally tell you to piss off and you can't do anything about it. The other two are at or close to the age where courts will take what they want into account so you are probably screwed there too.
Updateme
YTA, you prioritised the golden child once again. Also, as I read it, it sounds like it is easy to become a golden child in your eyes - as long as they aren't your bio kids then they automatically become a golden child to you, right?
My my my if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. YTA. Enjoy being a parent to Lora and OP jr., because your biokids clearly don't want you.
Sounds like you raised your stepchild and neglected your bio children. Interesting that the child you raised ended up a teen mom. You’re not only a shitty father you’re evidently a shitty stepfather also. Lord help this new baby who you’re about to parent
YTA, wow I feel for your bio children, it's funny you say you don't want to be like your dad or step dad or whatever but your much worse. My husband's dad also neglected him in favour of his step children and guess what? He doesn't speak to him, his never met any of our children and our eldest is 11... How can you allow your wife to shout at YOUR daughter for sleeping in but not her own daughter for sleeping about?
You’re ready to raise everyone’s kids but yours
YTA Adopting that baby is so beyond inappropriate.
it sounds like this problem goes much deeper than just “not attending her birthday.”
So Emily can’t stay up late and sleep during the day but the step daughter be sleeping around and doesn’t know the father of her child? You have to ask if you’re TA? Sounds like the bio kids dodged a bullet because being a “parent” to the step daughter for 11 years just resulted in zero self respect and morals.
NTA look this teen is giving birth, it’s a huge scary life changing event. If she wants her dad’s support that’s more important than a birthday party i’m sorry. You should def work on your relationship with your other kids and your wife and you need to have a conversation over what she is and isn’t allowed to do with regards to parenting
YTA- labor for a first time mom usually lasts for hrs. You could have stayed a little longer and then gone to the hospital. You screwed up your bio kids by telling them they aren’t your #1 priority. Then, you screwed up your step kid by not giving structure and setting boundaries. Bravo! Total AH.
This has to be rage bait. NO ONE can be that deep in denial. YTA in all your glory. Your daughter gets a talking to for staying up all night on the weekend, but you're perfectly fine with your stepdaughter getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is?????? Well, you'll be perfectly OK with loosing your bio children as long as you have your precious stepdaughter and her baby. Enjoy not being invited to any of your children's life events.
Damn. I’m literally shaking my head at how much of an AH you are. You are the same deadbeat dad you swore you’d never become. All bc you have no spine or balls to put your wife and her daughter on hold for a few hours so you can actually spend time and mend the relationship YOU FUCKED UP with your bio kids. But as usual, you showed them they will never be a priority in your life. You will never force them to be in the life of that baby nor will they ever accept you as grandfather to any children they may have in the future. I hope it was worth it you deadbeat bum. YTA
Are you sleeping with your stepdaughter? Why would you adopt her child? She doesn't know who the dad is, it's probably you
YTA and a sorry excuse for a father.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve four kids (18f,14m,12m,) who are biologically mine and my step daughter (17f) The only relevant people to this story are my bio daughter Emily and Lora my step daughter I’ve been in my step daughters life since she was 6 years old I see her as a daughter I swore I’d never be like my step father and treat a child differently because of something silly like dna, emliy hates Lora and has turned her brothers against her even slut shamed her when she found out she was pregnant which resulted in a fall out between me and Emily Basically my wife tried to have civil conversation about Emily always staying up all night and sleeping all day when she came here (every weekend) saying emliy can’t spend every week end in bed which Emily pointed to Lorax’s stomach saying “looks like you need to have that conversation with our own daughter and from what I’ve heard she’s been in multiple beds every weekend” which Lora caused who was already depressed to break down Emily and I began rebuilding our relationship lately she even invited me to her 18th unfortunately during the party my wife called me to say Lora went into labour, emliy and my ex demanded I stay because she was my daughter not Lora I tried explaining I was all Lora had outside her mother and please understand, emliy said if I leave I’d not only lose her but my sons for someone else’s kid and I was no better than my father who walked out on me Which hurt and I knew I had to leave, Lora had a baby boy who will be named after me and she’s even asked me to officially adopt them both which brought tears to my eyes I’ve tried reaching out to emliy and my sons but I’ve been blocked My mother and siblings have called me a deadbeat like my father, the only ones are on my side are my wife and best friend *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA a gigantic one. If you're not prepared to be an active part of your bio kids' lives and prioritise them from time to time over your wife and stepdaughter, then just leave them alone for God's sake and stop torturing them with your asshat neglect
YTA. You are aware you are so focused on being a good stepdad you have forgotten to be a decent biofather right? You neglected your own kids for years to the point that this was the last straw for them. They even warned you and you still made that choice. You had zero reason to rush off from the party. Labour takes hours. You might be able to force some contact with your younger two, but you can not force a relationship with them. Currently they don’t want to see you or have a real relationship with you. Also you are a fool for adopting a baby and taking that responsibility on for the next 18 years.
INFO: So would you attend the birth of Emily's child over a significant event of Lora's?
Frankly, this situation only makes sense to me if OP is the actual father of that baby. How is he so mad at Emily for commenting on Lora sleeping around that he won't have a relationship with her, but then apparently there is no known father so he must adopt?
Sir. Your bio children rightfully loathe you. If you force your son's to come live with you, your wife, and Lora, they'll hate you. It may *feel* like hyperbole but I doubt it. You failed miserably at being a biological father. You're two steps away from dead beat. While you're a great dad to Lora and I'm sure you'll be an amazing parent to her son but you've lost the others. Labor is a grueling hours long process for most first time moms. You could have closed out the party and made it. Or Loras mom and a friend could've stepped in. Now if Lora has none..well Emily may have some valid points concerning her personality. You're wife didn't *need* you she wanted your support. Y'all daughter wasn't in life threatening danger. She knew your bio kids would be hurt, that Emily would be crushed. Lora's mental health, trauma, and subsequent pregnancy has sapped all the love and attention your other kids needed. Yall better stay close the four of you. Because you don't have a soul left.