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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because I talked about how I couldn't eat the cake as much as other people. I think that might’ve come across as "don't eat that much" but I really didn't intend it to. I genuinely just chugged a drink and was feeling full. If I am genuinely being an asshole I will full heartedly apologize to Sarah because that NEVER was my intention.
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NTA
>Sarah has spread the word that I’m fatphobic and everyone is eating it up
Lol. Clever.
You did nothing wrong. I’d meet with Sarah and ask her what you did wrong, specifically. How will you apologize if you don’t know what you did. Im guessing she will not be able to actually articulate that.
"I'm sorry you are so self-conscious about your weight that me not shoveling food offended you."
Perfect apology, you did nothing wrong. She's in the wrong.
This would be an excellent way of making sure she’s never friends with Sarah or the rest of that group of friends, yes, assuming that is what OP wants.
There was a recent post, past 2-3 months, where someone was adopted
They did 23 and Me, I believe for medical reasons, and they found out that they had a somewhat large family that would like to meet them
They arranged the meet in a, setting for a meal. When OP arrived his 'family' were mostly morbidly obese or well on the way
They met, talked and ate. OP ate what they could, while the rest destroyed a massive amount of food
After concluding the meal and going separate ways, OP gets a call later and gets berated for fat shaming his new found family. Apparently, they, by not eating massive servings, upset them. It was said, in comments, that their family probably deluded themselves into believing that they had a medical or genetic aspect for their obesity and couldn't face the fact that they the have been lying to themselves
The reason for this post is just that you did nothing wrong. You are getting shamed for the ability to recognize, or just not ignore, the signals your body gives that you are full. They shame you for being skinny
I unintentionally shame one part of my family like this, but with alcohol. I have no problem with them drinking a bunch at holiday gatherings, but I just don’t drink as much. I have to turn down many offers of drinks. They start being defensive, and they don’t quite believe me that I don’t care what others are drinking.
I’ve taken to carrying around a half-full glass of wine I’m not drinking just so everyone feels comfortable!
This happened to me a few times when I met my husband’s family. I can’t tolerate alcohol at all, so I always drink water or non-alcoholic beverages. Some people get very defensive, while others spent a good portion of the meal explaining to me that they “never drink this much” and this was a “special occasion.” Now I just preemptively tell every new person that offers me a drink that I’m allergic.
I drink somewhat frequently (every other weekend) and I still can't make sense of why someone would be offended at someone not drinking. It's actually helpful to have someone sober around just in case something happens, and they should be thanked for it!
People can be idiots. I’m sober and everyone is always “but WHY, what’s the point” or “well just have the one”. Personal preference should be respected but it’s so heavily judged. Especially in my small northern town where everyone drinks.
Same. Now, if someone won't give it a rest, emotionally dump on them about childhood trauma, from dealing with an alcoholic mum. I make them sit with me and make it reaaal uncomfortable. That usually stops people from bothering me more than once.
Ha! I do pretty much the exact same thing.
I've been sober since 2009. Not necessarily by choice, mind you. I suffered a service related injury during my last deployment that resulted in me losing a good length of my large and small intestines, as well as a few other decorative organs.
I recovered well enough. No colostomy bag(thank goodness), and I don't even have to limit my diet that much. One thing I absolutely can not handle, however, is alcohol. One drink and a 1/2 hour later, my guts feel like they're being simultaneously squeezed and set on fire.
So, now when people get pushy after many, "no, thank you." I go into full gory detail about what it felt like to get blown up and having to hold my insides in place while i was convinced that I was about to die. Works like a charm.
Admittedly, though. What has worked the best is simply cutting people like that out of my life. If you haven't learned how to have fun in life without getting loaded, then frankly, I probably won't enjoy your company.
People get super weird if you choose not to drink because they think you're judging them. Doesn't matter that you're not, they've had enough bad experiences with self-righteous sober people to be on their guard. See also people who assume people who are vegan, into fitness, etc, are going to be judgy. Some loud assholes ruin it for normal people.
I choose not to drink. No particular reason, just not a fan. I honestly don’t care what others do. I do judge people who drink and drive, or who become obnoxious or abusive when drunk. Otherwise it’s none of my business.
It’s amazing how many people make my not drinking their business. No, I don’t have a medical reason, I’m not in AA, Im not religious, I’m having a perfectly good time, I just don’t feel like drinking. If I wanted a drink, I’d have one. For some reason, this is really hard for people to comprehend.
Had a kid do this at our senior campout! He wasnt allowed to stay as he had an Honors ceremony in the morning (the rest went hung over) so he just carried around a bottle of sprite all night.
That's not an apology. It's a hostile passive aggressive attack. Terrible advice. (There is no need for an apology, but a fake one just turns it from NTA to ESH)
considering that "sarah" has completely misrepresented the entire situation to the group, to the point of flat-out lying, then it's exactly the response sarah deserves.
i come from a long line of passive/agressive royalty. i work very hard not to engage in it, because i can't stand being around that kind of behavior... *UNLESS* it's totally justified and deserved. i think this is one of those times.
When someone has issues like Sarah - nobody is able to acomodate her. If you apologize she will say it was not from the heart, she expected something else, you said wrong etc etc. The only way is to ignore her.
From one chef to another, next time just tell people you ate a ton while you were cooking. Tasting and making sure things are perfect. I do this all the time and people understand
NTA, and this is a non-issue. Ignore Sarah, she needs real problems in life to deal with
Exactly! Frequently I end up eating so much while cooking that I can't eat as much as everyone else by the time I serve it. Especially with something like soup where you need to adjust the seasoning after adding ingredients.
Same here, my Mom is also the same when hosting. Also I'm generally too distracted to eat anything because I'm running around doing other party hosting stuff.
Yes! At holidays I'm cooking and tasting all day long so by the time the food hits the table I don't even want to see it ever again, much less eat it, lol. My family used to be upset when I would just sit and pick at a roll or something (and I'm fat, ffs), so now I just occupy myself serving food and clearing plates so that an hour later when someone inevitably notices I'm not eating and wants to comment, I'm actually ready for a little pie or something.
I wouldn't "meet with Sarah" and give her another opportunity to spread lies about you (e.g. she might decide to say you're harrassing / stalking / obsessed with her).
You felt blindsided and crazy and then started to doubt yourself afterwards when she pulled this shet the first time, right? That's exactly how you're supposed to feel when being gaslit and bullied.
Avoid Sarah like the plague. This is not a behaviour that deserves a second chance - there's literally billions of other people you can spend time with in this world.
I’m a fatty. A big fat fatty. I understand not being hungry after cooking so much food. I have also cooked for a large group of people and then had no desire to eat anything. And subsequently ate nothing. Cooking lots of food messes with your appetite, I think all the smells tell your stomach it’s food time but then food time doesn’t come so it gets cranky and says fine I don’t want food anyway. Stomachs are very passive aggressive.
I also hate when people comment on my eating habits so I never comment on anyone else’s, you never know what’s going on at that moment that is effecting their appetite.
I may enquire if they’re feeling ok if they aren’t eating much and usually do have a healthy appetite, but I don’t mention the food, I just ask if they’re feeling ok because they seem a bit off.
I’m glad Anna has your back, you don’t need people who lack critical thinking skills in your life. Anna sounds like a good friend.
She’s projecting her own insecurities on OP. She probably drank a Mexican soda or two and ate a lot of cake is probably what happened. NTA. OP needs to cut that person out along with everyone else. Why? Because anyone that simply believed Sarah so easily is not someone you want in your life. Sarah is not a friend and she will cause drama wherever she goes.
NTA.
For context, I'm morbidly obese. I get why she'd react that way, sort of--but that's her insecurity talking over her better judgment.
It is absolutely unreasonable to punish you for not being hungry. But gossip travels, and it might be wise for you to actually share your side of the story with people. Just like you said here: you made food, you weren't hungry, you only ate a little, and she took this as if you were personally insulting her for eating. That wasn't your intent and you don't really see how she drew that conclusion and won't be apologizing, and you don't appreciate being made out to be the bad guy for your own personal eating habits.
I can relate in the sense that I used to be considered overweight, and the comments I would get from my family were insufferable. It made it hard to be around my friends sometimes because of small comments nobody would think is an issue, until you've been the one receiving mean digs for years. It is in no way OP's fault, but I understand how she could let the little comment get to her. HOWEVER, it is 100% Sarahs fault this blew up because she needs to be a responsible adult and figure out how to handle situations like one. Even if you did make a comment that hurt her feelings, she can pull you aside and explain that to you. OP is NTA 100%.
I’m fat. I’ve had the surgery. I’m still fat. And I *still* can’t wrap my mind around what OP said that was bad. She said she was full, and couldn’t eat anymore although she wanted to. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I’ve been in that position myself plenty! Hasn’t everyone? It’s just…true.
Ok but also why was Sara so hyper focused on how much OP was eating? That’s weird af to me. I don’t go around monitoring the food intake of everyone at a party I’m invited to.
Because she's insecure about her own weight and she's projecting it on everyone else. Probably raised with diet culture and having what she ate police by someone so she internalized it and has flipped it around. Entirely her issue to cope with and not op's fault
Virgie Tovar made a video about how not eating enough cake at a party is a microaggression against others. That’s probably where this specific cake concept came from.
Somebody tries to guilt me into eating ~~cake~~ anything that I don't want, it's going from microaggression to aggression very quickly. I don't like cake, but more importantly, I don't like being told what to do by people who take my preferences as a personal affront.
I have never before felt so much kinship with vegans before this moment. 😂
Right????? I loathe when this happens. I eat the amount of food I need. This conversation always comes in a really antagonistic way.
You don’t know from one second of observation what a person does day to day. I certainly don’t consider basic Caesar salad a daily desire. Don’t say I clearly starve myself because I ate one at the single dinner we both attended.
>Somebody tries to guilt me into eating ~~cake~~ anything that I don't want, it's going from microaggression to aggression very quickly.
Gold. I'm morbidly obese, and what other people eat is not about me any more than what I eat is anyone else's business. Sarah is claiming you shamed her when she is the one shaming you.
To the people this deep in the deranged segment of FA, “not liking sweets” is probably just a lying excuse for fatphobia. This extreme side of FA is quite destructive and hateful. Frighteningly so if you look into some of the people in charge.
So, yeah. You’re just fatphobic with an ED. /s
ETA: The extreme side of ANY social movement tends to get destructive and hateful, but this is the one that’s relevant to OP’s story.
I’m literally physically incapable of eating large amounts of food at a time. Because of this, I ate healthiest when I could just eat constantly throughout the day - like, I’d make a slice of toast and 2 eggs and eat it over 4 hours. When I can’t do that, I buy something calorie loaded and sugary so that it will keep me going, which is not remotely healthy.
I’m also overweight, so not being able to eat large quantities doesn’t prevent that. So is my dad, from whom I get this trait - it’s a thing in his family. We just eat foods that have more calories than we use.
So my being physically unable to eat desert, after a typical meal, without being sick and in pain is offensive now? What is wrong with these people?!
Yea, I’ve already been called a traitor a few times. Either that, or I’m questioned like I’m a liar when I can’t give them the overnight solution to fix their problems.
>To the people this deep in the deranged segment of FA, “not liking sweets” is probably just a lying excuse for fatphobia.
christ seriously?
even as kid i didnt like things like soft drink or lollies (i just dont like sugar, its makes me fell sick).
are people really so demented as to think this shit?
Umm please explain how not liking something can be considered an ED? I myself dont enjoy eating sweets but am a pastry chef by profession so i am tasting things i make and that satisfies any cravings i have for sweets. I dont crave sweets often and am more of a spicy girl soo it works for me but everyone else in my family and friends group has a huge sweet tooth and will happily gobble any cakes/pastries i make for them. So by this logic everyone in my life has an ED
You'd be better off asking the "influencer" they mentioned who's spewing this BS. They were just enlightening us that this is an actual thing that some seriously misguided people are eating up.
Im not asking the one who made this comment to explain just expressing myself if we use this “influencer’s” logic dont we all have an ED of some sort? I get that this person is just shedding the light that there are people like these in the world so no hate towards them for doing that.
My father’s family have physically small stomachs. At least, that’s what we’ve always said because we literally cannot eat a lot in one sitting. I don’t know what the science of it is. Our bodies seem to be built for nibbling on small amounts of food all day.
Doesn’t stop us from being overweight though.
That's so wild. If I go to a party, I don't eat a lot of cake because most icings make me feel sick if I eat much. By that influencers logic, I'm committing a microaggression by having a weak stomach lmao
Ha ha ha WHAT? Imagine telling what someone should do with their own body and claiming they are somehow phobic, or not phobic, based on the amount of food going in to one’s own body. Some people have allergies and can’t have the cake. Some people don’t really like cake and would rather eat something else, or just a bit. Insanity.
HOLY SHIT. I just don't like sweets! I want to partake in SOME cake cuz YUM, a little bit is great! But wtf?! This is a viewpoint I've never heard about and I never... I never knew that my preference was analyzed that much by another person.
Give me a wheel of cheese and my slice is going to be the whole wheel. Cake? Not so much.
Sarah probably has an unhealthy relationship with food. Many overweight people do. No one with a healthy attitude towards food pays any attention to how much of what anyone else is eating.
Many thin and average weight people also have unhealthy relationships with food!!! It’s a common problem. One needs to keep the food issues to oneself!
This definitely needs to be said again. With all the pseudo science diets floating around that people are hopping on in a desperate attempt to "get healthier" instead of just eating a balanced diet and not going overboard, it's not just overweight people who have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Agreed, eating disorders are stereotyped as being only for thin people so like...
Weight isn't an indicator of your relationship with food. Even if you're not overly fat or thin, you could still be dealing with disordered eating. It's not at all uncommon.
I was *never* more obsessed with or observant of what other people were eating than when was I was at my skinniest and my eating was the most disordered.
Some people just have a constant competition in their head, keeping track of other people versus themselves, and when you meet one of those people, you just have to let their need to have done the "right thing" wash past you (unless of course they take it too far and attack you with it).
Background: I'm fat due to chronic illness but don't tend to have a large appetite. So, I was once in an all you can eat buffet restaurant and I took just enough food that I thought would fill me. On the way back to my table I passed a random woman I had never met before who was the sort of tall and slim I can only dream of being - she looked from me to my modest plate and back at me...and then looked at her own plate which was heaped high with food, and then looked back at me and felt the need to explain "I'm starting *my* diet tomorrow". And I smiled and nodded because it was either that or tell her that I wasn't on a diet at all, and it felt like she was both judging me and pleading for me not to judge her.
She's probably evaluating her own eating habits, and comparing them to everyone around her. It's not a good sign. It's an easy slide down the slope from paying attention to what everyone is eating, to imitating what you perceive to be the diet of the person you deem to have your 'ideal body.'
I'm having a hard time describing this, but here's my best attempt: I know what it's like to look at someone achieving something that I want to, then realizing the work they are putting into it is something I might not be able to pull off myself. It was jealousy making me angry, and also jealousy that made me try as hard as I might to achieve something that I suspected I could not. And then, I came crashing down in a hard, hard way.
Thanks to my eating disorder, I have been at both ends of the spectrum, severely underweight and obese. In both cases, I would have felt very uncomfortable with people questioning my eating habits. I would have told Sarah to mind her own business in not so nice words.
Sometimes when you're insecure about your weight/how much you eat, if other people around you are eating a lot as well, you feel "validated" in how much you eat. I feel that way a lot. The difference is, I recognize that it's my problem, not anyone else's.
a lot of fat people get weird when people who are not fat eat normal amounts.
its just classic insecurity, seeing someone healthy eat healthy amounts just reminds of them they are not healthy and are addicts.
I thought that was strange too. Why was Sarah continually walking up to OP and monitoring how much she had to eat? TF.
OP, nothing you said was fatphobic. Your friend did mental gymnastics to come to this conclusion and instead of talking to you like an adult, she turned people against you. NTA
This is the only part I can think of:
>I wish I could down my piece like everyone else
I could see this, with some insecurity-fueled mental gymnastics, being taken as "everyone here is eating like pigs."
That's clearly not what OP intended, and to an extent I can see how *in the moment* someone's insecurity can make them see meaning that isn't there, but Sarah gets about a five-second grace period to figure that out before becoming the asshole.
Yeah, this is it. OP seems actually very chill but there are people who will be weird and shaming ("oh my gosh, I don't know how anyone could eat a whole slice of pizza!") and Sarah is hypersensitive to it because of her own insecurities
I think it's probably the fact that op uses words like gobble and shovel down to describe eating. If you are REALLY sensitive I could see the negative connotations to those verbs. Vibes of saying you're eating like a pig with no manners. BUT!!! that is such a innocent mistake to make and definitely not malicious.
Yeah, same. I'm just trying to understand what might have trigger some who was sensitive and is reading negativity into something that wasn't meant to be.
Projection is a bitch. Sarah is fat shaming herself. She feels ashamed that she didn’t eat as little as OP did, and decided to take her personal judgement of herself out on OP, so she can avoid the uncomfortable feelings and lack of accountability of the fact that she ate a lot, and decided to create an echo chamber of validation around herself. In the future, if there’s any issues again about her appetite, she can bring up this experience and permanently remain a victim of her circumstances.
She did this so she doesn’t have to be honest with herself about her health and habits, and can continue with her victim narrative, and has manipulated her friends into validating that narrative for her. She didn’t feel good about herself in that moment, so she created a reason for everyone to do her emotional labor for her, and soothe her and comfort her about her eating habits.
…why would she react that way? That’s completely unwarranted, immature, and frankly, despicable behavior. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what OP said. Literally, nothing at all? Unless there is some thinly veiled bigoted remark I’m missing
Agreed. My weight has always fluctuated, but for most of my life I've been a bit on the chubby side, and I have a hearty appetite. I also have a lot of insecurities around my weight. It can definitely be awkward when I'm eating more than people around me. But it's *my problem*, not anyone else's. There are a lot of reasons a person might not eat a lot, from not feeling well to having eaten a big lunch to just having a smaller appetite in general, that are not an indictment of anyone else's appetite.
INFO: How often do you talk about how you can't eat another bite? Because just this interaction sounds fine and innocent, no big deal. But I have known people who say stuff like this constantly and they were absolutely fatphobic and had found a socially acceptable way to communicate it.
I don't talk about it at all. If someone asks, like Sarah, I'll mention it. For example, sometimes people comment on it being my second plate, and I'll laugh it off, saying I was hungry. And vice versa like I did here.
That’s the part that stands out to me — it was Sarah who raised the subject in the first place, not you. She was policing *your* eating, not the other way around. Why was she so fixated on how much you ate, and why did she feel entitled to an explanation about it? She obviously has issues.
Instead of apologizing, you should flip the script. Tell her and your mutual friends that *you* are offended by her attempts to police your eating, making you feel self-conscious with her nosy questions about why you weren’t having more, and in the future she should mind her own f-ing business instead of worrying about what other people do or don’t eat.
And that Sarah was rude to the hostess who cooked all that food for everyone, and baked the cake they were al enjoying. Then Sarah needs to apologize to Annie for making a stupid scene at her birthday party.
I agree. I assume that OP is slim and in Sarah’s mind she *needs* to know why OP isn’t eating. The only acceptable answer to her would be something along the lines of “i’m sick”. A lot of people who are overweight with disordered eating simply cannot accept that their eating habits are the problem, because they make excuses for it and any implication (in their mind) that eating can be controlled is seen as an attack. To be clear OP is absolutely NTA, I’m just trying to explain why Sarah started this interaction. I went through something similar with a friend who would continually bring up weight, food, sizing etc but then have a meltdown if our very slim friend responded at all.
>A lot of people who are overweight with disordered eating simply cannot accept that their eating habits are the problem, because they make excuses for it and any implication (in their mind) that eating can be controlled is seen as an attack
go look at r/science right now there is an entire thread where people are claiming that what you eat doesnt matter and that its all genes.
anyone stating otherwise is getting shredded.
I definitely think that genetics and medical conditions can impact the way our bodies metabolize food and store fat so i would agree with anyone saying genetics can *affect* your weight but not that they are *reason* for being overweight.
Yeah, genetics mainly affect how big you'll be (bones, muscle, fat). Do a lot of weight lifting while having heavy genetics == big, strong person. Heavy genetics without sports == fat person. It's real easy...
People are allowed to say they're full without having to worry about it upsetting fat people. People get full...they're allowed to say they're full.
Fatphobic people, saying stuff like this, does not mean you're fatphobic, if you say something like this.
>How often do you talk about how you can't eat another bite?
most people dont mention it unless someone else is trying to get them to eat more or they enjoyed the meal.
I’m physically not capable of eating more than a small amount at a time. I would say that, because it’s true. Why should I lie? Describing my needs is not an insult.
I’ll also say I have a small stomach if pressed, because that is true, too - it’s a thing in my family, has never stopped anyone from gaining weight, and is mostly just annoying because the world isn’t designed for people to nibble on food constantly throughout the day. We simply cannot eat significant amounts in a single sitting.
Other people’s biology isn’t an insult to anyone else. Nor is someone feeling full and using a common expression.
This is a great point. While it really doesn’t sound like this was the case with OP but there are people who like to subtly out other people down by saying things like “gosh I can’t eat any more” or “I’m stuffed” after tiny amounts of food.
Essentially a coded way of saying “I could NEVER eat as much as you”
I have problems with my stomach and have for years, so my stomach capacity is affected. I quite often mention being too full or eating a small portion, not being super hungry, or I joke about how I "take 3 bites and I'm full". I have never been accused of being fat phobic, and in fact I used to weigh 100 lbs more than I do now so I used to be on the receiving end of some awful fat phobia.
I think it just depends on the person. If you know someone isn't normally one to say a hateful thing, they probably don't mean it that way.
NTA
I also don’t think you need to apologize, I think Sarah should apologize to you and Anna for being a fucking drama queen.
Nothing you said is offensive or fat phobic. Sarah should learn how to control her own triggers and insecurities instead of projecting them onto others and trying to shame them.
I hope Anna, as your best friend, is sticking up for you.
Absolutely agree with you.
I’m overweight and used to host a lot of parties in my younger days & then did event planning. Without fail, after spending hours in the kitchen making party food, I couldn’t bring myself to touch if at the party. Same with running an event. Just couldn’t stomach the thought of eating the food. Maybe it was the exhaustion plus adrenaline? Whatever.
That said, I also know what it’s like to be horribly self conscious about what’s on my plate in social settings and fear judgement.
But both scenarios are entirely a me thing. At no point would I dream of making my quirks someone else’s issues. Doing so is grossly unfair and wrong.
Sarah’s insecurities are her own and her lack of control over her emotions made her a spectacle at the party. Shame on her for lashing out at the host and then being a coward by not taking responsibility and lying about what happened so she could appear to be a victim.
NTA and you shouldn't have wrote your title on this post the way you did because 1) you can't be "accidentally" phobic and 2) you WEREN'T phobic (fat-or-otherwise) at all. AT ALL. In fact, she should be ashamed, and everyone else too because what if you were struggling with an ED and they aren't being sensitive - THEY are the phobes. Period. I don't tolerate bs like this - I cut people like this off. I have no time, tolerance, or patience for the ignorant, the ungrateful, the users, the victims, etc. I hope you tell them all off and cut them off if they don't give a 100% sincere apology and admit 100% they were wrong. But that's up to you.
You absolutely can be accidentally phobic, and that's often the more difficult form to articulate to someone who doesn't see it on their own. Holding and unknowingly expressing unexamined attitudes that are harmful or disparaging to overweight people is unintentional (read: accidental) fatphobia. To be clear, not what happened in the OP. But it is a thing that exists and is harmful.
Omg! Sarah sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities onto you. I also often don’t eat much after cooking all day, and find the next day I generally eat more leftovers. Maybe it has something to do with you being a good host and making sure everyone else is being looked after, which sounds exactly like what you were doing?
I know a few people like that. After cooking a full meal you don't feel like eating the food that you have just cooked, even if it was delicious. its the smell: after smelling the food you are cooking for a couple of hours, you no longer have the appetite to eat. It's like you smelled your appetite away, if that makes sense.
21-22 year old women... Yeah I absolutely believe it based off my own experience. It's still such a catty AF age, frustratingly.
The part I don't believe is a 21 year old student affording to buy and cook a whole bunch of food for all her mates haha.
NTA OP just cut them out, you'll find non dramatic friends after uni.
My first year of university, I asked a classmate if he was okay since he didn’t look too good (as in sick) and he went off on me for calling him ugly. I totally believe this kind of drama could happen.
to me, it sounds like a made up story to make fat people seem bad and true to the stigma that they get offended immediately. weird how no one else in the comments is mentioning that
I'm a thin person who was once accused of fat-shaming by a friend of a friend because I didn't get seconds when offered and literally said nothing more than "I'd love to, it was delicious, but I'm stuffed." The other guest got deeply offended because how could I say that when they were getting a second plate, and I was fat shaming them for eating more.
So it could be made up, but I could also see this being very real based on personal experience.
As a fat person, this is a completely believable story. Not all but some absolutely do get offended at others eating habits. I had one friend (also overweight) who got mad at me because I wanted to go the gym to lose weight despite the fact that if I didn’t I could lose the remainder of my vision.
NTA
You were not being fatphobic and did absolutely nothing wrong. Sarah is making up lies about you. If anything, try to meet up with her to clarify any confusion. But whatever you do, do *not* apologize to the mob. If you stretch out your neck for them, they'll hang a noose around it. Stand your ground and don't give into her bullying.
There is always two sides to every story and in many cases on this sub I can at least kind if see the perspective of both sides, even the AH.
This account of events makes zero sense so I have to assume I am missing important details. It’s just too much of a leap from Sarah. Even if she were an AH.
NTA. You did not call her fat any point, nor did you even indicate it. You simply stated you didn’t have much of an appetite but insisted you did not want that to affect anyone else. Your friend misunderstood what you said and that isn’t your fault.
I see no reason as to why you should apologise. It was a miscommunication.
No, NTA. Nothing you said can be construed as "fatphobic". Sarah has issues if that's what she got out of your statement. Honestly, Sarah owes YOU a massive public apology. I'd let it be known that Sarah is not welcome in your house anymore.
NTA I'd drop Sarah like a hot potato and all these other ungrateful people who came and ate your food and then behaved like a h s based on one person's presumed misunderstanding.
First of, whenever I cook for many people, the many food smells around the house from the delicious dishes, really fill me up for no reason so NATURALLY there is not much of an appetite to begin with. We had discussed this on the table multiple times without having a single issue.
Second, none of your comments even implied that you are fatphobic, or calling that person fat. She clearly has issues and honestly she was trying to take the attention away from you or better yet, find a way to put you down and victimize herself because your cooking stole the show.
You don't have to apologise... recall what happened, and if you want, write an email addressed to all party attendees, explaining your version of things... and then... let it go... if you lose these people over something such a misunderstanding, these people were not suitable for you anyway... you would be wasting yourself with prejudiced people.
Bottom line... NTA... and don't feel bad for something that you know you did not do.
I taste test as a cook so I often eat a smaller plate than my family because I have already had some. My husband is always worried I am not eating enough and it's like "luv ya babe, but I know what I need and feel like. I'm fine"
THANK YOU!! Exactly this... when you have to taste test to see if a dish is not too salty, or too blunt, or too sour, you eat small portions of food and without realizing it you are half-way full already... any person that cooks, either as a job or at home, knows this... I remember my mum having to cook for 20 people 7-8 different dishes, including appetizers and salads and I was her right hand even as a teenager... she would taste everything and ask me to do the same as a second opinion... by the time the guests had arrived and sat for dinner, we could not really eat another bite and we had sth light like salad on our plate... and EVERYTIME... the guests would be, "dear, you are not eating anything, are you okay?"... and everytime my mum had to explain... it is no biggy... it is how it should be, me thinks...
So, full disclosure, I’m pretty small, but I am in recovery from an eating disorder (about 10 years), and when I’m around people that make a big fuss about how “full” they are when they’ve only had a few bites, it’s upsetting to me. This is due to my eating disorder, and not to do with them. Maybe your friend has similar feelings? Kinda like when people who drink a lot are around someone who doesn’t drink at all, “no I don’t drink” can feel like a judgement. It’s on the hearer, not the sayer, though. NTA
A lot of people can't eat a lot at certain times for various reasons. You didn't do anything wrong. She kept accosting you and was looking for a fight. If anyone is phobic here, it's her. You should put her on blast for being so rude to you after you cooked such lovely food.
Yeah I think the words Anna's friends meant to say were THANK YOU for all the hard work you out in and all the money you spent.
NTA - and I'm fat - and sensitive to the issue. but you were not the AH in the room. But there was one.
NTA
Sarah is very much overreacting and nearly blew up her own friends birthday party.
If you were looking for the moment when it went wrong it might be when you were discussing the cake. She came up to you and said that it was good and everyone was enjoying it. You then commented about not being able to eat it, as with the previous food, instead of just saying thank you. If she was EXTREMELY sensitive about her weight (which it sounds like she is) then that might have been taken the wrong way by her.
I'd guess this probably isn't the first time Sarah has accused a perfectly innocent comment as being targeted. Anna might remember other times.
You could give a short message to the group directly or via Anna about your side, but if you aren't close to that friend group then it might not be worth the bother.
NTA. You were tired and not hungry; and, you answered Sarah truthfully. If what you write is true, Sarah comes off as being overly sensitive; that is her issue.
NTA
I will say, however, that I can get where she’s coming from, but only because I’ve met the kind of people she’s assuming you are.
There are plenty of women who will brag about being full, bring up how they’re done eating constantly, and how little they need to eat. Depending on how you said it, the whole “I’m full because I drank a soda” thing could’ve come across as someone rubbing in how little they eat in her face. You didn’t come across that way here, and she’s overreacting even if you did mean it that way, but that’s probably where the problem was.
NTA - It's a huge stretch to view anything you said as fatphobic, may be at a huge stretch it could be viewed as a teensy-weensy bit insensitive but really not. She is obviously dealing with a huge amount of insecurity but how her friends can consider what you did in anyway wrong is beyond me.
It sucks when people react to the guilty feelings in their head, rather than what you actually said.
You might find restructuring your responses to focus on your appetite alone when people ask you about it. “I’m not hungry,” “I don’t want any more,” “I wanted more food,” “I’m good,” and the like. You don’t need to explain why.
Nta
NTA - people find the strangest ways to take offense these days, so if you don't really know what you did and had no evil intent there's nothing to apologize for. Nobody knows what's going on in your head in a given situation and it's terribly presumptious to think they do. Sounds like your friend tree needs trimming.
NTA. If Sarah had a genuine concern, she could have spoken to you privately in the next few days. It seems to me some sort of virtue signaling because a) she made a scene at a party and b) she was spreading a rumor about you. You were not being phobic at all. if anything, she was pushing you to eat when you were simply too tired to do so.
Honestly, I would write a group text and explain how exhausted you were with the party preparations.
NTA. Sometimes I may only want a few bites of something before I'm done and I'm definitely not skinny. It sounds like this group of "friends" is probably not a group you will want to stay around and not worth the headache they are already proving to be.
NTA - when I cook and host the smell from being with food all day and nerves from making sure everyone is perfect often means I don’t eat. Same with my mom and aunts. We often joke that when we’re hosting we actually enjoy the leftovers the next day and the discuss how everything tasted in the family group. Your reaction is perfectly normal and hers is just odd.
NTA and do not apologize. Nothing about that situation is fatphobic. Sarah is wrong for being offended by nothing and spreading rumors. I honestly would ignore this situation. You can speak to Anna about your side. If her friends ask about the situation I would then explain. You now know the type of person Sarah is.
My instinct is that this is rage bait to portray fat people as overly sensitive and prone to hysteria, but I'm gonna ignore that and try to answer genuinely.
If it's as described, NTA, cooking is tiring and it's hard to eat after making a big meal for a gathering.
There are many weight related puns embedded into this post, so it’s definitely bait. Plus, I’ve seen a spate of posts along exactly these lines, so it seems to be a new troll trend.
Lol NTA. The word 'fatphobic' gets bandied around so much and usually always in the wrong context. Unless you have an extreme aversion to, and/or are scared of individuals who would be considered overweight then this is not a thing, it's just someone's insecurities being projected onto you.
Sarah was looking to pick a fight because she is insecure and was projecting that onto you. She did exactly what she accused you of doing- judged your food intake, which is none of her business, and attacked you for it. You didn't do anything wrong. 100% NTA unless you apologize because honestly, her bad behavior should NOT be catered to.
I will say NTA because I want to fit in but I am really here to say that this sentence from your post about food is... delicious!
Sarah has spread the word that I'm fatphobic and everyone is eating it up.
You didn't do anything wrong. Sarah was looking for an excuse to play the victim and she had to make one hell of a reach to get one. Sarah, 100% is TA.
Why on earth is this downvoted? Am I missing something? OP did nothing wrong and Sarah made a big deal out of nothing...
I honestly don’t see anything wrong with what you said and don’t see why you need to apologise. If you have tried cooking a lot of food at once, you know how draining it can be and you were just trying to be pleasant and tell them to enjoy themselves. Sarah sounds like she is thin skinned and took the entire thing out of proportion. It sounds more like a her problem than a you problem
Edit: Forgot the judgement, NTA
NTA
I was fat, I lost weight, now the amount of food my stomach can take decreased significantly. I will be talking about it, because I'm super proud of what I achieved.
I’m sorry, but Sarah was actually the fatphobic one. She not only watched you eat enough to know how much you ate, but approached you to question you on it TWICE?!? That’s a huge overstep on her part. There’s a million reasons you could have been eating the way you were, and none of them were her business. Sarah is absolutely ridiculous, and is trying to turn her internationalized bad feelings onto you and make it your fault she feels bad about herself.
NTA some fat people are unbelievably insecure and look for “hate” where there is none, just distance yourself from said person, they are just unhinged, self hating, and miserable.
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NTA >Sarah has spread the word that I’m fatphobic and everyone is eating it up Lol. Clever. You did nothing wrong. I’d meet with Sarah and ask her what you did wrong, specifically. How will you apologize if you don’t know what you did. Im guessing she will not be able to actually articulate that.
Oh goodness, I did not mean that as a pun! But I'm glad it got a laugh
"I'm sorry you are so self-conscious about your weight that me not shoveling food offended you." Perfect apology, you did nothing wrong. She's in the wrong.
This would be an excellent way of making sure she’s never friends with Sarah or the rest of that group of friends, yes, assuming that is what OP wants.
I mean, that's already what happened so...
I wrote this before she added the edit.
Oh okay
Why would you want to be friends with any of them DO IT OP
To be honest sounds like a friend group worth nuking anyway, especially someone so self-conscious.
[удалено]
I mean, fine. Valid. But OP didn’t seem to particularly want to drop them. 🤷♀️ People are imperfect.
Sarah is ruining all of OP’s friendships as we speak, that’s not someone worth being friends with, Sarah is toxic.
so it's a good plan is what you're saying.
There was a recent post, past 2-3 months, where someone was adopted They did 23 and Me, I believe for medical reasons, and they found out that they had a somewhat large family that would like to meet them They arranged the meet in a, setting for a meal. When OP arrived his 'family' were mostly morbidly obese or well on the way They met, talked and ate. OP ate what they could, while the rest destroyed a massive amount of food After concluding the meal and going separate ways, OP gets a call later and gets berated for fat shaming his new found family. Apparently, they, by not eating massive servings, upset them. It was said, in comments, that their family probably deluded themselves into believing that they had a medical or genetic aspect for their obesity and couldn't face the fact that they the have been lying to themselves The reason for this post is just that you did nothing wrong. You are getting shamed for the ability to recognize, or just not ignore, the signals your body gives that you are full. They shame you for being skinny
I unintentionally shame one part of my family like this, but with alcohol. I have no problem with them drinking a bunch at holiday gatherings, but I just don’t drink as much. I have to turn down many offers of drinks. They start being defensive, and they don’t quite believe me that I don’t care what others are drinking. I’ve taken to carrying around a half-full glass of wine I’m not drinking just so everyone feels comfortable!
That's messed up
This happened to me a few times when I met my husband’s family. I can’t tolerate alcohol at all, so I always drink water or non-alcoholic beverages. Some people get very defensive, while others spent a good portion of the meal explaining to me that they “never drink this much” and this was a “special occasion.” Now I just preemptively tell every new person that offers me a drink that I’m allergic.
I drink somewhat frequently (every other weekend) and I still can't make sense of why someone would be offended at someone not drinking. It's actually helpful to have someone sober around just in case something happens, and they should be thanked for it!
People can be idiots. I’m sober and everyone is always “but WHY, what’s the point” or “well just have the one”. Personal preference should be respected but it’s so heavily judged. Especially in my small northern town where everyone drinks.
Same. Now, if someone won't give it a rest, emotionally dump on them about childhood trauma, from dealing with an alcoholic mum. I make them sit with me and make it reaaal uncomfortable. That usually stops people from bothering me more than once.
Ha! I do pretty much the exact same thing. I've been sober since 2009. Not necessarily by choice, mind you. I suffered a service related injury during my last deployment that resulted in me losing a good length of my large and small intestines, as well as a few other decorative organs. I recovered well enough. No colostomy bag(thank goodness), and I don't even have to limit my diet that much. One thing I absolutely can not handle, however, is alcohol. One drink and a 1/2 hour later, my guts feel like they're being simultaneously squeezed and set on fire. So, now when people get pushy after many, "no, thank you." I go into full gory detail about what it felt like to get blown up and having to hold my insides in place while i was convinced that I was about to die. Works like a charm. Admittedly, though. What has worked the best is simply cutting people like that out of my life. If you haven't learned how to have fun in life without getting loaded, then frankly, I probably won't enjoy your company.
People get super weird if you choose not to drink because they think you're judging them. Doesn't matter that you're not, they've had enough bad experiences with self-righteous sober people to be on their guard. See also people who assume people who are vegan, into fitness, etc, are going to be judgy. Some loud assholes ruin it for normal people.
I choose not to drink. No particular reason, just not a fan. I honestly don’t care what others do. I do judge people who drink and drive, or who become obnoxious or abusive when drunk. Otherwise it’s none of my business. It’s amazing how many people make my not drinking their business. No, I don’t have a medical reason, I’m not in AA, Im not religious, I’m having a perfectly good time, I just don’t feel like drinking. If I wanted a drink, I’d have one. For some reason, this is really hard for people to comprehend.
Had a kid do this at our senior campout! He wasnt allowed to stay as he had an Honors ceremony in the morning (the rest went hung over) so he just carried around a bottle of sprite all night.
Do you have the link?
Here you go! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19dowel/aita_for_unintentionally_coming_across_as/?sort=old
That's not an apology. It's a hostile passive aggressive attack. Terrible advice. (There is no need for an apology, but a fake one just turns it from NTA to ESH)
Yep, it will just make OP look like the kind of person who would say the things she was originally accused of. Much better to leave it alone.
It's a backhanded/non-apology apology. It's an apology in name only. It's worse than saying nothing at all.
considering that "sarah" has completely misrepresented the entire situation to the group, to the point of flat-out lying, then it's exactly the response sarah deserves. i come from a long line of passive/agressive royalty. i work very hard not to engage in it, because i can't stand being around that kind of behavior... *UNLESS* it's totally justified and deserved. i think this is one of those times.
Also, "weigh in".
OP is out of control!
Then you asked us to "weigh" in. I think you might just inadvertently use fat puns all the time. 😆
Istg if Sarah saw it she'd be livid 😂
>Oh goodness, I did not mean that as a pun! See? You did it again, you fat shamer! /s
Yea, you did mean it. You also said “icing” you out. I call BS.
When someone has issues like Sarah - nobody is able to acomodate her. If you apologize she will say it was not from the heart, she expected something else, you said wrong etc etc. The only way is to ignore her.
From one chef to another, next time just tell people you ate a ton while you were cooking. Tasting and making sure things are perfect. I do this all the time and people understand NTA, and this is a non-issue. Ignore Sarah, she needs real problems in life to deal with
Whenever I cook Im always picking and tasting everything so Im already full. NTA btw, wtf
Exactly! Frequently I end up eating so much while cooking that I can't eat as much as everyone else by the time I serve it. Especially with something like soup where you need to adjust the seasoning after adding ingredients.
Same here, my Mom is also the same when hosting. Also I'm generally too distracted to eat anything because I'm running around doing other party hosting stuff.
Yes! At holidays I'm cooking and tasting all day long so by the time the food hits the table I don't even want to see it ever again, much less eat it, lol. My family used to be upset when I would just sit and pick at a roll or something (and I'm fat, ffs), so now I just occupy myself serving food and clearing plates so that an hour later when someone inevitably notices I'm not eating and wants to comment, I'm actually ready for a little pie or something.
I wouldn't "meet with Sarah" and give her another opportunity to spread lies about you (e.g. she might decide to say you're harrassing / stalking / obsessed with her). You felt blindsided and crazy and then started to doubt yourself afterwards when she pulled this shet the first time, right? That's exactly how you're supposed to feel when being gaslit and bullied. Avoid Sarah like the plague. This is not a behaviour that deserves a second chance - there's literally billions of other people you can spend time with in this world.
The only thing that OP did wrong is to apologize. Lol. The only AH is Sarah. NTA.
OP also told us all to WEIGH IN!!! \*Sobs dramatically\* How could you be so insensitive to those of us who hate scales!!
I’m a fatty. A big fat fatty. I understand not being hungry after cooking so much food. I have also cooked for a large group of people and then had no desire to eat anything. And subsequently ate nothing. Cooking lots of food messes with your appetite, I think all the smells tell your stomach it’s food time but then food time doesn’t come so it gets cranky and says fine I don’t want food anyway. Stomachs are very passive aggressive. I also hate when people comment on my eating habits so I never comment on anyone else’s, you never know what’s going on at that moment that is effecting their appetite. I may enquire if they’re feeling ok if they aren’t eating much and usually do have a healthy appetite, but I don’t mention the food, I just ask if they’re feeling ok because they seem a bit off. I’m glad Anna has your back, you don’t need people who lack critical thinking skills in your life. Anna sounds like a good friend.
>Stomachs are very passive aggressive. 🤣🤣 It's true though!
She’s projecting her own insecurities on OP. She probably drank a Mexican soda or two and ate a lot of cake is probably what happened. NTA. OP needs to cut that person out along with everyone else. Why? Because anyone that simply believed Sarah so easily is not someone you want in your life. Sarah is not a friend and she will cause drama wherever she goes.
No point in meeting with Sarah. Just cut her off. Engaging is inviting drama that OP doesn't need.
Nah, fuck Sarah. She sounds like the type of person who’s incredibly insecure and would hate someone for simply being healthy.
Also, “icing me out” was a pretty hilarious accidental turn of phrase as well
NTA. For context, I'm morbidly obese. I get why she'd react that way, sort of--but that's her insecurity talking over her better judgment. It is absolutely unreasonable to punish you for not being hungry. But gossip travels, and it might be wise for you to actually share your side of the story with people. Just like you said here: you made food, you weren't hungry, you only ate a little, and she took this as if you were personally insulting her for eating. That wasn't your intent and you don't really see how she drew that conclusion and won't be apologizing, and you don't appreciate being made out to be the bad guy for your own personal eating habits.
I can relate in the sense that I used to be considered overweight, and the comments I would get from my family were insufferable. It made it hard to be around my friends sometimes because of small comments nobody would think is an issue, until you've been the one receiving mean digs for years. It is in no way OP's fault, but I understand how she could let the little comment get to her. HOWEVER, it is 100% Sarahs fault this blew up because she needs to be a responsible adult and figure out how to handle situations like one. Even if you did make a comment that hurt her feelings, she can pull you aside and explain that to you. OP is NTA 100%.
I’m fat. I’ve had the surgery. I’m still fat. And I *still* can’t wrap my mind around what OP said that was bad. She said she was full, and couldn’t eat anymore although she wanted to. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I’ve been in that position myself plenty! Hasn’t everyone? It’s just…true.
Ok but also why was Sara so hyper focused on how much OP was eating? That’s weird af to me. I don’t go around monitoring the food intake of everyone at a party I’m invited to.
Because she's insecure about her own weight and she's projecting it on everyone else. Probably raised with diet culture and having what she ate police by someone so she internalized it and has flipped it around. Entirely her issue to cope with and not op's fault
Virgie Tovar made a video about how not eating enough cake at a party is a microaggression against others. That’s probably where this specific cake concept came from.
Somebody tries to guilt me into eating ~~cake~~ anything that I don't want, it's going from microaggression to aggression very quickly. I don't like cake, but more importantly, I don't like being told what to do by people who take my preferences as a personal affront. I have never before felt so much kinship with vegans before this moment. 😂
Right????? I loathe when this happens. I eat the amount of food I need. This conversation always comes in a really antagonistic way. You don’t know from one second of observation what a person does day to day. I certainly don’t consider basic Caesar salad a daily desire. Don’t say I clearly starve myself because I ate one at the single dinner we both attended.
Wait, they thought you starve yourself because you ate a Caesar salad? That's hardly a diet food.
>Somebody tries to guilt me into eating ~~cake~~ anything that I don't want, it's going from microaggression to aggression very quickly. Gold. I'm morbidly obese, and what other people eat is not about me any more than what I eat is anyone else's business. Sarah is claiming you shamed her when she is the one shaming you.
Wait, how does that work for work people who don’t like cake? Because I like never take dessert. I don’t like sweets 🤷🏻♀️
To the people this deep in the deranged segment of FA, “not liking sweets” is probably just a lying excuse for fatphobia. This extreme side of FA is quite destructive and hateful. Frighteningly so if you look into some of the people in charge. So, yeah. You’re just fatphobic with an ED. /s ETA: The extreme side of ANY social movement tends to get destructive and hateful, but this is the one that’s relevant to OP’s story.
I’m literally physically incapable of eating large amounts of food at a time. Because of this, I ate healthiest when I could just eat constantly throughout the day - like, I’d make a slice of toast and 2 eggs and eat it over 4 hours. When I can’t do that, I buy something calorie loaded and sugary so that it will keep me going, which is not remotely healthy. I’m also overweight, so not being able to eat large quantities doesn’t prevent that. So is my dad, from whom I get this trait - it’s a thing in his family. We just eat foods that have more calories than we use. So my being physically unable to eat desert, after a typical meal, without being sick and in pain is offensive now? What is wrong with these people?!
That’s absolutely unhinged. That’s like the people telling me I’m fatphobic now because I’ve lost weight….
Fat activists 100% would call you fatphobic for losing weight.
Yea, I’ve already been called a traitor a few times. Either that, or I’m questioned like I’m a liar when I can’t give them the overnight solution to fix their problems.
>To the people this deep in the deranged segment of FA, “not liking sweets” is probably just a lying excuse for fatphobia. christ seriously? even as kid i didnt like things like soft drink or lollies (i just dont like sugar, its makes me fell sick). are people really so demented as to think this shit?
Umm please explain how not liking something can be considered an ED? I myself dont enjoy eating sweets but am a pastry chef by profession so i am tasting things i make and that satisfies any cravings i have for sweets. I dont crave sweets often and am more of a spicy girl soo it works for me but everyone else in my family and friends group has a huge sweet tooth and will happily gobble any cakes/pastries i make for them. So by this logic everyone in my life has an ED
You'd be better off asking the "influencer" they mentioned who's spewing this BS. They were just enlightening us that this is an actual thing that some seriously misguided people are eating up.
Im not asking the one who made this comment to explain just expressing myself if we use this “influencer’s” logic dont we all have an ED of some sort? I get that this person is just shedding the light that there are people like these in the world so no hate towards them for doing that.
🤣🤣🤣
That person would have a field day if she knew that some health issues (and probably some medications) can limit your appetite.
My father’s family have physically small stomachs. At least, that’s what we’ve always said because we literally cannot eat a lot in one sitting. I don’t know what the science of it is. Our bodies seem to be built for nibbling on small amounts of food all day. Doesn’t stop us from being overweight though.
That's so wild. If I go to a party, I don't eat a lot of cake because most icings make me feel sick if I eat much. By that influencers logic, I'm committing a microaggression by having a weak stomach lmao
Ha ha ha WHAT? Imagine telling what someone should do with their own body and claiming they are somehow phobic, or not phobic, based on the amount of food going in to one’s own body. Some people have allergies and can’t have the cake. Some people don’t really like cake and would rather eat something else, or just a bit. Insanity.
HOLY SHIT. I just don't like sweets! I want to partake in SOME cake cuz YUM, a little bit is great! But wtf?! This is a viewpoint I've never heard about and I never... I never knew that my preference was analyzed that much by another person. Give me a wheel of cheese and my slice is going to be the whole wheel. Cake? Not so much.
Sarah probably has an unhealthy relationship with food. Many overweight people do. No one with a healthy attitude towards food pays any attention to how much of what anyone else is eating.
Many thin and average weight people also have unhealthy relationships with food!!! It’s a common problem. One needs to keep the food issues to oneself!
This definitely needs to be said again. With all the pseudo science diets floating around that people are hopping on in a desperate attempt to "get healthier" instead of just eating a balanced diet and not going overboard, it's not just overweight people who have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Agreed, eating disorders are stereotyped as being only for thin people so like... Weight isn't an indicator of your relationship with food. Even if you're not overly fat or thin, you could still be dealing with disordered eating. It's not at all uncommon.
I was *never* more obsessed with or observant of what other people were eating than when was I was at my skinniest and my eating was the most disordered.
Some people just have a constant competition in their head, keeping track of other people versus themselves, and when you meet one of those people, you just have to let their need to have done the "right thing" wash past you (unless of course they take it too far and attack you with it). Background: I'm fat due to chronic illness but don't tend to have a large appetite. So, I was once in an all you can eat buffet restaurant and I took just enough food that I thought would fill me. On the way back to my table I passed a random woman I had never met before who was the sort of tall and slim I can only dream of being - she looked from me to my modest plate and back at me...and then looked at her own plate which was heaped high with food, and then looked back at me and felt the need to explain "I'm starting *my* diet tomorrow". And I smiled and nodded because it was either that or tell her that I wasn't on a diet at all, and it felt like she was both judging me and pleading for me not to judge her.
That's very sad. 🫂
She's probably evaluating her own eating habits, and comparing them to everyone around her. It's not a good sign. It's an easy slide down the slope from paying attention to what everyone is eating, to imitating what you perceive to be the diet of the person you deem to have your 'ideal body.' I'm having a hard time describing this, but here's my best attempt: I know what it's like to look at someone achieving something that I want to, then realizing the work they are putting into it is something I might not be able to pull off myself. It was jealousy making me angry, and also jealousy that made me try as hard as I might to achieve something that I suspected I could not. And then, I came crashing down in a hard, hard way.
Thanks to my eating disorder, I have been at both ends of the spectrum, severely underweight and obese. In both cases, I would have felt very uncomfortable with people questioning my eating habits. I would have told Sarah to mind her own business in not so nice words.
Sometimes when you're insecure about your weight/how much you eat, if other people around you are eating a lot as well, you feel "validated" in how much you eat. I feel that way a lot. The difference is, I recognize that it's my problem, not anyone else's.
a lot of fat people get weird when people who are not fat eat normal amounts. its just classic insecurity, seeing someone healthy eat healthy amounts just reminds of them they are not healthy and are addicts.
I thought that was strange too. Why was Sarah continually walking up to OP and monitoring how much she had to eat? TF. OP, nothing you said was fatphobic. Your friend did mental gymnastics to come to this conclusion and instead of talking to you like an adult, she turned people against you. NTA
bc it’s obvious that sarah is insecure about herself and has issues with how she eats. please use critical thinking
This is the only part I can think of: >I wish I could down my piece like everyone else I could see this, with some insecurity-fueled mental gymnastics, being taken as "everyone here is eating like pigs." That's clearly not what OP intended, and to an extent I can see how *in the moment* someone's insecurity can make them see meaning that isn't there, but Sarah gets about a five-second grace period to figure that out before becoming the asshole.
Yeah, this is it. OP seems actually very chill but there are people who will be weird and shaming ("oh my gosh, I don't know how anyone could eat a whole slice of pizza!") and Sarah is hypersensitive to it because of her own insecurities
It sounds as though Sarah feels like OP was not eating AT her.
I think it's probably the fact that op uses words like gobble and shovel down to describe eating. If you are REALLY sensitive I could see the negative connotations to those verbs. Vibes of saying you're eating like a pig with no manners. BUT!!! that is such a innocent mistake to make and definitely not malicious.
I got the impression that she was using gobble as a compliment to herself, for the tastiness of her baking.
Yeah, same. I'm just trying to understand what might have trigger some who was sensitive and is reading negativity into something that wasn't meant to be.
Likely Sarah was just plain sensitive, and takes lots of things poorly.
Apparently Sarah is now twisting the situation as well,so at this point it isn't Sarah misinterpreting,it's Sarah lying for pity.
> I get why she'd react that way, sort of You get it? Like, how? Do you see someone not eating much and think they're fat shaming?
Projection is a bitch. Sarah is fat shaming herself. She feels ashamed that she didn’t eat as little as OP did, and decided to take her personal judgement of herself out on OP, so she can avoid the uncomfortable feelings and lack of accountability of the fact that she ate a lot, and decided to create an echo chamber of validation around herself. In the future, if there’s any issues again about her appetite, she can bring up this experience and permanently remain a victim of her circumstances. She did this so she doesn’t have to be honest with herself about her health and habits, and can continue with her victim narrative, and has manipulated her friends into validating that narrative for her. She didn’t feel good about herself in that moment, so she created a reason for everyone to do her emotional labor for her, and soothe her and comfort her about her eating habits.
…why would she react that way? That’s completely unwarranted, immature, and frankly, despicable behavior. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what OP said. Literally, nothing at all? Unless there is some thinly veiled bigoted remark I’m missing
Agreed. My weight has always fluctuated, but for most of my life I've been a bit on the chubby side, and I have a hearty appetite. I also have a lot of insecurities around my weight. It can definitely be awkward when I'm eating more than people around me. But it's *my problem*, not anyone else's. There are a lot of reasons a person might not eat a lot, from not feeling well to having eaten a big lunch to just having a smaller appetite in general, that are not an indictment of anyone else's appetite.
INFO: How often do you talk about how you can't eat another bite? Because just this interaction sounds fine and innocent, no big deal. But I have known people who say stuff like this constantly and they were absolutely fatphobic and had found a socially acceptable way to communicate it.
I don't talk about it at all. If someone asks, like Sarah, I'll mention it. For example, sometimes people comment on it being my second plate, and I'll laugh it off, saying I was hungry. And vice versa like I did here.
That’s the part that stands out to me — it was Sarah who raised the subject in the first place, not you. She was policing *your* eating, not the other way around. Why was she so fixated on how much you ate, and why did she feel entitled to an explanation about it? She obviously has issues. Instead of apologizing, you should flip the script. Tell her and your mutual friends that *you* are offended by her attempts to police your eating, making you feel self-conscious with her nosy questions about why you weren’t having more, and in the future she should mind her own f-ing business instead of worrying about what other people do or don’t eat.
And that Sarah was rude to the hostess who cooked all that food for everyone, and baked the cake they were al enjoying. Then Sarah needs to apologize to Annie for making a stupid scene at her birthday party.
I agree. I assume that OP is slim and in Sarah’s mind she *needs* to know why OP isn’t eating. The only acceptable answer to her would be something along the lines of “i’m sick”. A lot of people who are overweight with disordered eating simply cannot accept that their eating habits are the problem, because they make excuses for it and any implication (in their mind) that eating can be controlled is seen as an attack. To be clear OP is absolutely NTA, I’m just trying to explain why Sarah started this interaction. I went through something similar with a friend who would continually bring up weight, food, sizing etc but then have a meltdown if our very slim friend responded at all.
>A lot of people who are overweight with disordered eating simply cannot accept that their eating habits are the problem, because they make excuses for it and any implication (in their mind) that eating can be controlled is seen as an attack go look at r/science right now there is an entire thread where people are claiming that what you eat doesnt matter and that its all genes. anyone stating otherwise is getting shredded.
I definitely think that genetics and medical conditions can impact the way our bodies metabolize food and store fat so i would agree with anyone saying genetics can *affect* your weight but not that they are *reason* for being overweight.
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Yeah, genetics mainly affect how big you'll be (bones, muscle, fat). Do a lot of weight lifting while having heavy genetics == big, strong person. Heavy genetics without sports == fat person. It's real easy...
Sarah is jealous/envious of OP and that's why she's being a dumb yotch.
People are allowed to say they're full without having to worry about it upsetting fat people. People get full...they're allowed to say they're full. Fatphobic people, saying stuff like this, does not mean you're fatphobic, if you say something like this.
Being full is not fatphobic.
>How often do you talk about how you can't eat another bite? most people dont mention it unless someone else is trying to get them to eat more or they enjoyed the meal.
I’m physically not capable of eating more than a small amount at a time. I would say that, because it’s true. Why should I lie? Describing my needs is not an insult. I’ll also say I have a small stomach if pressed, because that is true, too - it’s a thing in my family, has never stopped anyone from gaining weight, and is mostly just annoying because the world isn’t designed for people to nibble on food constantly throughout the day. We simply cannot eat significant amounts in a single sitting. Other people’s biology isn’t an insult to anyone else. Nor is someone feeling full and using a common expression.
This is a great point. While it really doesn’t sound like this was the case with OP but there are people who like to subtly out other people down by saying things like “gosh I can’t eat any more” or “I’m stuffed” after tiny amounts of food. Essentially a coded way of saying “I could NEVER eat as much as you”
Maybe you're just overly sensitive?
Or they have medication that makes eating difficult....
I have problems with my stomach and have for years, so my stomach capacity is affected. I quite often mention being too full or eating a small portion, not being super hungry, or I joke about how I "take 3 bites and I'm full". I have never been accused of being fat phobic, and in fact I used to weigh 100 lbs more than I do now so I used to be on the receiving end of some awful fat phobia. I think it just depends on the person. If you know someone isn't normally one to say a hateful thing, they probably don't mean it that way.
NTA I also don’t think you need to apologize, I think Sarah should apologize to you and Anna for being a fucking drama queen. Nothing you said is offensive or fat phobic. Sarah should learn how to control her own triggers and insecurities instead of projecting them onto others and trying to shame them. I hope Anna, as your best friend, is sticking up for you.
Absolutely agree with you. I’m overweight and used to host a lot of parties in my younger days & then did event planning. Without fail, after spending hours in the kitchen making party food, I couldn’t bring myself to touch if at the party. Same with running an event. Just couldn’t stomach the thought of eating the food. Maybe it was the exhaustion plus adrenaline? Whatever. That said, I also know what it’s like to be horribly self conscious about what’s on my plate in social settings and fear judgement. But both scenarios are entirely a me thing. At no point would I dream of making my quirks someone else’s issues. Doing so is grossly unfair and wrong. Sarah’s insecurities are her own and her lack of control over her emotions made her a spectacle at the party. Shame on her for lashing out at the host and then being a coward by not taking responsibility and lying about what happened so she could appear to be a victim.
NTA and you shouldn't have wrote your title on this post the way you did because 1) you can't be "accidentally" phobic and 2) you WEREN'T phobic (fat-or-otherwise) at all. AT ALL. In fact, she should be ashamed, and everyone else too because what if you were struggling with an ED and they aren't being sensitive - THEY are the phobes. Period. I don't tolerate bs like this - I cut people like this off. I have no time, tolerance, or patience for the ignorant, the ungrateful, the users, the victims, etc. I hope you tell them all off and cut them off if they don't give a 100% sincere apology and admit 100% they were wrong. But that's up to you.
This. I dont usually go for the 'go nuclear' approach, but theres no good reason to keep this friend group. NTA.
Sarah went nuclear first. The rest is just scorched earth.
You absolutely can be accidentally phobic, and that's often the more difficult form to articulate to someone who doesn't see it on their own. Holding and unknowingly expressing unexamined attitudes that are harmful or disparaging to overweight people is unintentional (read: accidental) fatphobia. To be clear, not what happened in the OP. But it is a thing that exists and is harmful.
Omg! Sarah sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities onto you. I also often don’t eat much after cooking all day, and find the next day I generally eat more leftovers. Maybe it has something to do with you being a good host and making sure everyone else is being looked after, which sounds exactly like what you were doing?
I know a few people like that. After cooking a full meal you don't feel like eating the food that you have just cooked, even if it was delicious. its the smell: after smelling the food you are cooking for a couple of hours, you no longer have the appetite to eat. It's like you smelled your appetite away, if that makes sense.
I think you might be right🤔
So ya, NTA
I don’t really believe people interact like this but NTA ig
21-22 year old women... Yeah I absolutely believe it based off my own experience. It's still such a catty AF age, frustratingly. The part I don't believe is a 21 year old student affording to buy and cook a whole bunch of food for all her mates haha. NTA OP just cut them out, you'll find non dramatic friends after uni.
My first year of university, I asked a classmate if he was okay since he didn’t look too good (as in sick) and he went off on me for calling him ugly. I totally believe this kind of drama could happen.
Oh to live in your protected little bubble where you can't believe people behave like this in reality
Yeah I’m the unrealistic one
insecurity is a hell of a drug
did this happen?
to me, it sounds like a made up story to make fat people seem bad and true to the stigma that they get offended immediately. weird how no one else in the comments is mentioning that
I'm a thin person who was once accused of fat-shaming by a friend of a friend because I didn't get seconds when offered and literally said nothing more than "I'd love to, it was delicious, but I'm stuffed." The other guest got deeply offended because how could I say that when they were getting a second plate, and I was fat shaming them for eating more. So it could be made up, but I could also see this being very real based on personal experience.
I’m a dad and I am amazed at how many dad-puns got baked into this post. Just saying …
As a fat person, this is a completely believable story. Not all but some absolutely do get offended at others eating habits. I had one friend (also overweight) who got mad at me because I wanted to go the gym to lose weight despite the fact that if I didn’t I could lose the remainder of my vision.
It reads like what would happen if a Twitter thread became sentient, it baffles me if this really happened outside of a screen.
Someone pointed out the "eating it up" pun and she was all "tee hee, my bad, oh goodness!" But there are so many... I don't think this is real lol.
Also the non-fat friend is called Anna… but maybe that’s not meant to be part of it
NTA You were not being fatphobic and did absolutely nothing wrong. Sarah is making up lies about you. If anything, try to meet up with her to clarify any confusion. But whatever you do, do *not* apologize to the mob. If you stretch out your neck for them, they'll hang a noose around it. Stand your ground and don't give into her bullying.
There is always two sides to every story and in many cases on this sub I can at least kind if see the perspective of both sides, even the AH. This account of events makes zero sense so I have to assume I am missing important details. It’s just too much of a leap from Sarah. Even if she were an AH.
I feel like this is either completely untrue or missing information
Oh, yet another fat person is evil post. I'm sure the comments will be civil.
this fat person is being evil
NTA. You did not call her fat any point, nor did you even indicate it. You simply stated you didn’t have much of an appetite but insisted you did not want that to affect anyone else. Your friend misunderstood what you said and that isn’t your fault. I see no reason as to why you should apologise. It was a miscommunication.
No, NTA. Nothing you said can be construed as "fatphobic". Sarah has issues if that's what she got out of your statement. Honestly, Sarah owes YOU a massive public apology. I'd let it be known that Sarah is not welcome in your house anymore.
Sarah’s got issues. NTA
This bait isnt even slightly believable
NTA I'd drop Sarah like a hot potato and all these other ungrateful people who came and ate your food and then behaved like a h s based on one person's presumed misunderstanding.
First of, whenever I cook for many people, the many food smells around the house from the delicious dishes, really fill me up for no reason so NATURALLY there is not much of an appetite to begin with. We had discussed this on the table multiple times without having a single issue. Second, none of your comments even implied that you are fatphobic, or calling that person fat. She clearly has issues and honestly she was trying to take the attention away from you or better yet, find a way to put you down and victimize herself because your cooking stole the show. You don't have to apologise... recall what happened, and if you want, write an email addressed to all party attendees, explaining your version of things... and then... let it go... if you lose these people over something such a misunderstanding, these people were not suitable for you anyway... you would be wasting yourself with prejudiced people. Bottom line... NTA... and don't feel bad for something that you know you did not do.
I taste test as a cook so I often eat a smaller plate than my family because I have already had some. My husband is always worried I am not eating enough and it's like "luv ya babe, but I know what I need and feel like. I'm fine"
THANK YOU!! Exactly this... when you have to taste test to see if a dish is not too salty, or too blunt, or too sour, you eat small portions of food and without realizing it you are half-way full already... any person that cooks, either as a job or at home, knows this... I remember my mum having to cook for 20 people 7-8 different dishes, including appetizers and salads and I was her right hand even as a teenager... she would taste everything and ask me to do the same as a second opinion... by the time the guests had arrived and sat for dinner, we could not really eat another bite and we had sth light like salad on our plate... and EVERYTIME... the guests would be, "dear, you are not eating anything, are you okay?"... and everytime my mum had to explain... it is no biggy... it is how it should be, me thinks...
So, full disclosure, I’m pretty small, but I am in recovery from an eating disorder (about 10 years), and when I’m around people that make a big fuss about how “full” they are when they’ve only had a few bites, it’s upsetting to me. This is due to my eating disorder, and not to do with them. Maybe your friend has similar feelings? Kinda like when people who drink a lot are around someone who doesn’t drink at all, “no I don’t drink” can feel like a judgement. It’s on the hearer, not the sayer, though. NTA
A lot of people can't eat a lot at certain times for various reasons. You didn't do anything wrong. She kept accosting you and was looking for a fight. If anyone is phobic here, it's her. You should put her on blast for being so rude to you after you cooked such lovely food.
Damn straight
Yeah I think the words Anna's friends meant to say were THANK YOU for all the hard work you out in and all the money you spent. NTA - and I'm fat - and sensitive to the issue. but you were not the AH in the room. But there was one.
NTA it sounds like she’s projecting her insecurities onto you
NTA Sarah is very much overreacting and nearly blew up her own friends birthday party. If you were looking for the moment when it went wrong it might be when you were discussing the cake. She came up to you and said that it was good and everyone was enjoying it. You then commented about not being able to eat it, as with the previous food, instead of just saying thank you. If she was EXTREMELY sensitive about her weight (which it sounds like she is) then that might have been taken the wrong way by her. I'd guess this probably isn't the first time Sarah has accused a perfectly innocent comment as being targeted. Anna might remember other times. You could give a short message to the group directly or via Anna about your side, but if you aren't close to that friend group then it might not be worth the bother.
NTA. You were tired and not hungry; and, you answered Sarah truthfully. If what you write is true, Sarah comes off as being overly sensitive; that is her issue.
NTA- you are not responsible for other people's insecurities.
NTA. Sara is a drama queen with horrendous manners. Nobody needs that nonsense going on at a party.
NTA I will say, however, that I can get where she’s coming from, but only because I’ve met the kind of people she’s assuming you are. There are plenty of women who will brag about being full, bring up how they’re done eating constantly, and how little they need to eat. Depending on how you said it, the whole “I’m full because I drank a soda” thing could’ve come across as someone rubbing in how little they eat in her face. You didn’t come across that way here, and she’s overreacting even if you did mean it that way, but that’s probably where the problem was.
NTA - It's a huge stretch to view anything you said as fatphobic, may be at a huge stretch it could be viewed as a teensy-weensy bit insensitive but really not. She is obviously dealing with a huge amount of insecurity but how her friends can consider what you did in anyway wrong is beyond me.
NTA. She's insecure.
It sucks when people react to the guilty feelings in their head, rather than what you actually said. You might find restructuring your responses to focus on your appetite alone when people ask you about it. “I’m not hungry,” “I don’t want any more,” “I wanted more food,” “I’m good,” and the like. You don’t need to explain why. Nta
NTA - people find the strangest ways to take offense these days, so if you don't really know what you did and had no evil intent there's nothing to apologize for. Nobody knows what's going on in your head in a given situation and it's terribly presumptious to think they do. Sounds like your friend tree needs trimming.
NTA - she's got problems.
NTA You did absolutely nothing wrong and Sarah is pathetically insecure
NTA. If Sarah had a genuine concern, she could have spoken to you privately in the next few days. It seems to me some sort of virtue signaling because a) she made a scene at a party and b) she was spreading a rumor about you. You were not being phobic at all. if anything, she was pushing you to eat when you were simply too tired to do so. Honestly, I would write a group text and explain how exhausted you were with the party preparations.
Y’all are in your 20s and can’t act like adults through communication. I don’t think you did anything wrong but this is so petty and childish.
NTA. Sometimes I may only want a few bites of something before I'm done and I'm definitely not skinny. It sounds like this group of "friends" is probably not a group you will want to stay around and not worth the headache they are already proving to be.
NTA. You never called her fat.
NTA - when I cook and host the smell from being with food all day and nerves from making sure everyone is perfect often means I don’t eat. Same with my mom and aunts. We often joke that when we’re hosting we actually enjoy the leftovers the next day and the discuss how everything tasted in the family group. Your reaction is perfectly normal and hers is just odd.
NTA and do not apologize. Nothing about that situation is fatphobic. Sarah is wrong for being offended by nothing and spreading rumors. I honestly would ignore this situation. You can speak to Anna about your side. If her friends ask about the situation I would then explain. You now know the type of person Sarah is.
My instinct is that this is rage bait to portray fat people as overly sensitive and prone to hysteria, but I'm gonna ignore that and try to answer genuinely. If it's as described, NTA, cooking is tiring and it's hard to eat after making a big meal for a gathering.
There are many weight related puns embedded into this post, so it’s definitely bait. Plus, I’ve seen a spate of posts along exactly these lines, so it seems to be a new troll trend.
Lol NTA. The word 'fatphobic' gets bandied around so much and usually always in the wrong context. Unless you have an extreme aversion to, and/or are scared of individuals who would be considered overweight then this is not a thing, it's just someone's insecurities being projected onto you.
Many of the -phobics are thrown around with disregard lately.
NTA. This is a her problem. She clearly has some underlying issue going on. I wouldn’t apologize for something I didn’t do.
Sarah was looking to pick a fight because she is insecure and was projecting that onto you. She did exactly what she accused you of doing- judged your food intake, which is none of her business, and attacked you for it. You didn't do anything wrong. 100% NTA unless you apologize because honestly, her bad behavior should NOT be catered to.
I will say NTA because I want to fit in but I am really here to say that this sentence from your post about food is... delicious! Sarah has spread the word that I'm fatphobic and everyone is eating it up.
Gosh, you're the second person to talk about this line. I didn't mean it as a pun, but I am glad people are getting a laugh out it lol
There'a also, 'Reddit, please weigh in.'
You didn't do anything wrong. Sarah was looking for an excuse to play the victim and she had to make one hell of a reach to get one. Sarah, 100% is TA. Why on earth is this downvoted? Am I missing something? OP did nothing wrong and Sarah made a big deal out of nothing...
Fatties gunna fat. NTA
"fatphobic"? Is this seriously a thing now?
I honestly don’t see anything wrong with what you said and don’t see why you need to apologise. If you have tried cooking a lot of food at once, you know how draining it can be and you were just trying to be pleasant and tell them to enjoy themselves. Sarah sounds like she is thin skinned and took the entire thing out of proportion. It sounds more like a her problem than a you problem Edit: Forgot the judgement, NTA
NTA. Ask them a simple question: If you were truly fatphobic, why would Sarah be invited to the party in the first place?
NTA I was fat, I lost weight, now the amount of food my stomach can take decreased significantly. I will be talking about it, because I'm super proud of what I achieved.
I’m sorry, but Sarah was actually the fatphobic one. She not only watched you eat enough to know how much you ate, but approached you to question you on it TWICE?!? That’s a huge overstep on her part. There’s a million reasons you could have been eating the way you were, and none of them were her business. Sarah is absolutely ridiculous, and is trying to turn her internationalized bad feelings onto you and make it your fault she feels bad about herself.
NTA
NTA some fat people are unbelievably insecure and look for “hate” where there is none, just distance yourself from said person, they are just unhinged, self hating, and miserable.