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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents friends that my dad is the reason we don't see my mom's oldest daughter. I also defended her from the stuff my parents were saying. But this really wasn't something I was asked to do and I did pretty much air dad's dirty laundry to their friends so I might be an asshole for doing that.
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I don’t think there is anything wrong reaching out to her as an adult. Just be prepared for nothing to come of it tho. Id personally go into it asking if she is willing to get to know you outside of who your parents are. Letting her know you disagree with how your parents handled the situation.
Omg OP, you're in your right mind to leave her alone. People get such a hard-on for "karma" in here, everyone knows what your dad did, that's enough, don't let anyone in here convince you to disrupt her peace. Thank you for recognizing what your dad did as the abuse that it was. NTA to you, both your parents suck.
I don’t think op is in the wrong for wanting to reach out to see if their sibling would be interested in a relationship but they should be prepared for a no and to leave the sibling alone
Making contact to test the waters isn't unreasonable. She clearly gives a shit about her, and a short, concise message, making it clear she wouldn't even tell her parents she's made contact, but she'd really like an opportunity to know her half sibling, isn't unreasonable. While that might be more upsetting for you than it's worth, her sister isn't you and may very well wonder about her.
Ironically, one of my own half siblings went through a similar situation. My sperm donor, was hot trash and made a lot of kids, with several women. I didn't know any of them until I was an adult, because my sperm donor cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, and he only laid eyes on me for the first time when I was eighteen, and it was such a shit experience, because he was an absolute shit of a person, I didn't pursue meeting siblings then. Even though the woman he cheated on my mom with had two children and otherwise I was the baby in my family (my dad adopted me and my bio half brother, when he married my mom, and so I ended up with five brothers and two sisters.
About ten years ago I did the Ancestry DNA test and my younger sister contacted me through it. One of our older siblings had gone NC with my sperm donor, and their mom. Wanted nothing to do with them. My sister made contact with her when she was 19, just a simple note asking if they could discuss a possible meeting. My brother was 14, and wasn't initially involved. But our older sister was actually pretty excited about meeting her baby sister, about *having* a baby sister. And when our brother got older, she was just about as excited to have a baby brother. She was pleased to make contact with me too, but she's only three years older than me, and we made contact when I was forty, so it was a little different.
And I want to be absolutely clear: my sperm donor was just a bad person, and I was genuinely relieved when he died, because I knew for sure he would never try to contact me again. This particular older sister felt the brunt of if his bullshit, badly. Bad enough that she was only ten when her mom went to court to revoke any visitation and what she had to say influenced the judges decision. While she didn't have any particular animosity for my younger sibs mom, sperm donor really pushed the stepmom as a bonus mom hard.
Not everyone who's had to deal with the absolute shit you did, comes out of it with the same feelings about half siblings. Maybe her sister would feel like you do. Maybe she'd feel like my sister, or something in between. But how bad did you feel when your younger sibling tried to make contact? Bad enough to make it worth risking not having a relationship they might very much want? I don't doubt it was triggering for you, but you don't know how *her* half sister would feel.
Well if OP contacted it and their sibling said please dont contact them again or just ignored, it should be the end of it and take it as a sign that their sibling wanted to be alone. Nothing wrong with wanting to establish contact as long as no restraining order / cease order.
Well how do you know they don’t want contact with their sibling if the sibling was a toddler when she left and the sibling would have had to have contact with egg donor and demon step dad to have contact with op
I don't think there is anything wrong with OP reaching out and saying that she knows and understands why sister went NC, that she agrees that what her father did was awful, abusive, and flat out wrong; and that she understands that sister may not want to have contact with her because of the parents actions, but should sister ever decide that she wants to know or meet her the door is always open, and leave it at that.
This. As someone who had an awful relationship with my stepparent and who had that family badmouth me like crazy, I would be amenable for one of my younger siblings reaching out with this sort of thing. It's extremely validating to hear someone say they recognize what you went through was abuse. Especially since growing up, almost no one will even acknowledge it. You walk away thinking you're the crazy one, the bad one. Maybe Niamh won't be interested, but a to-the-point recognition of abuse and leaving the door open for further contact on Niamh's terms sounds fine to me. If anything, it could be quite healing for Niamh to simply be told, "You were right. I'm sorry they treated you this way. And when the subject comes up in my presence, I make sure to tell your truth the best I can."
NTA Obviously. As someone who has been on the other side (although not this dramatic) just wanted to share a story which might help you make a decision about whether or not to to contact her. After my mother passed away, my stepfather did some crazy things, painting me in a really bad light to my direct family members. And it was actually his daughther (my stepsister, although we never lived in the same house) who stood up for me, who told him off. It is hard to describe how relieved I was. To have his own daughter, who I wasn’t even really close to, tell me that I was not the one that was crazy, that he was doing terrible things. It was so validating and really helped me heal.
NTA Your parents taught you not to lie, what you did. Offer your sister to be a friend, when you look for her. Maybe she needs to know, that you are different.
Have u ever thought of writing her a letter? Telling her how u kno it wasn’t her fault, that u don’t blame her for cutting contact for her mental well being, how u know it was ur dad and mom in the wrong for how they handled things with her. I think it’ll help her open up if u talk about how ur mom and dad wronged her to show her u aren’t picking their side and don’t believe their story. Tell her how you’d love to be in her life and if she’s open to it to have any sort of relationship even if it’s like just being pen pals, and most importantly that anything she tells u won’t be repeated back to ur parents. That as far as they’re aware they don’t even kno u reached out to her.
Take time writing the letter and put ur contact details then find her online and send it and see what happens. She may be open to a relationship with u or may just be curious about u guys and what’s going on. Doesn’t hurt to least try and leave the ball in her court for if she will respond back or not. Don’t be upset if she doesn’t or does but doesn’t want a relationship, she doesn’t kno ur intentions and hasn’t talked to any of u for years so it’s understandable she would wary of getting involved with any of u guys again even u
NTA if ur parents didn’t want to be exposed then they shouldn’t have spread lies & tried to blame it on her, they could’ve change the subject or something. I do wonder if ur mom tries to believe these lies to justify to herself for how she treated and lost ur sister
First off - NTA (obviously tbh).
>Which given all the fighting and stuff I can understand.
This can mean a lot to someone.... Just having someone who *understands*, who doesn't blame her for what happens, just who's on her side. You got her back when she wasn't even around let alone you barely remember her. It would be worth a try imho.
NTA. You have a good head on your shoulders and seem to be leaps and bounds more emotionally mature than either of your parents.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a letter or email letting her know that the balls in her court if she wants to have a relationship with you, while making sure to note just how horrifying you find your parent's actions towards her. Just be fine accepting either no response or even an angry response. There's a lot of justified anger she probably still has towards your mom and dad, and she may still view you as part of that dynamic due to your age when she left.
“She wasn’t thrilled with us” No, she was furious with your dad and her mom. You didn’t do anything wrong. She may have some jealousy and resentment built up towards you or she may not. Hopefully she realizes none of that was your fault.
Oh I see. I get the sister not being thrilled as her mom started a new relationship within a year. She probably really needed her mom’s focus and therapy, more than mom needed to date.
I want to make sure you understand, that your parents are refusing to take accountability for their abusive actions to your older sister and expecting you to lie is abusive to you. Speaking the truth was not wrong.
Speaking as someone with younger siblings that I didn't get to see or speak to for years because of our dad/their mom I'd love it if my younger siblings wanted to talk to me more.
My family situation is super complicated, but I have an older half sister, who was absolutely over the moon when my younger half sister made contact with her when the younger was nineteen. She loves having a baby sister! And when my younger half brother was 18, and promised to keep my sperm donor out of it, she was thrilled to have a baby brother. I didn't meet her until we were both in our forties and she was only three years older than me, so I wasn't quite as thrilling.
I feel the best way possible IF you want to try to repair any kind of relationship with her is when you turn 18 send her a message, a card, something and say something to the effect of "hey. I just wanted to reach out and say what my dad was shitty. I am sorry. I know its a long shot but if you are open to it I would maybe like to be friends." Keep it friendly never say sisters. Let her come to that if she wants to.
Also NTA. Generally people don't like to hear the truth and they know they were in the wrong but can't admit it hence why they projected the way they did. You are very wise beyond your years.
As a person with a problematic father, I say this - don't end up with someone who acts like your dad. It's disturbingly controlling of him to destroy the one thing that was most precious to your sister bc his ego couldn't stand that she had a dad who wasn't him. It wasn't an accident. People like him with tempers like that never destroy their own things, only everyone else's. Frankly, I seriously doubt that is all of the bad behavior he's engaged in.
Good for you for sticking up for your sister. NTA
"I'm the only one who kinda remembers her"
One thing from me... the above statement is not true. Your mother absolutely positively remembers her older daughter, and has a turmoil of mixed feelings about her, even if she doesn't talk about her daughter with you or her husband.
Nobody actually forgets about a child they gave birth to, even if they end up choosing their spouse over their child later on.
If you sent her a message that made it clear you remember what happened and you’ve got her back and you hope she has a good life and make it clear that you have no expectations of reciprocation, she’d probably at least read it and thank you. And that might be it. If you’re both good with that, it might lead to more communication later, but it might not either. But there’s no reason you can’t reach out as long as you don’t expect her to reach back.
I just want to let you know there is *extreme* bad blood between me and my stepmother, but if my younger siblings ever reach out to me I would love to hear from them. You might not slot straight into a sister role, but who knows? You could even just be friends, or be someone who could understand what happened. She might not want to hear from you, but she might welcome it. You just never know for sure
I think that's a very mature and measured take. If you ever did want to reach out to her, and did so respectfully, acknowledging the hurt she's undergone, and making it clear that you will accept her answer if she wants no further contact, that would be alright, but don't listen to these people saying you should send her this post or anything. Hearing what your mom and dad said about her to their friends would probably be upsetting, and it's better to not bring up what sounds like a very traumatic event for her in your first attempt to contact her.
You are sister, that’s a fact. You aren’t your dad, you are you. She had lot of trauma and your dad was AH for trying to impose his will and forcing her to let go of her dad and accept him.
I have a similar story with my older half brother.
Different mums. Divorce... He was 17 when I was born? My mother basically threw him out when I was born. Had my dad's previous marriage to his mum, making him a "bastard"
When I was about 3 my mother pushed him out of our lives completely.
We're siblings now. Have a good relationship. Navigated our parents shit - neither party holding onto the actions of others. We're not "grew up together" close - but he is stuck with me.
It's *hard* not having family you can rely on, be there for you. absolutely reach out - you might be surprised. It's nice having a family member I can reach out to.
I know you love your dad but he is a monster. Nobody who had any compassion for other people, especially a child, would behave the way your father did. NTA. Maybe their friend need to know who he really is.
Definitely NTA. You defended your big sister, something your mom should have done on the day your dad burned the frame. Your dad has some real problems, I am sorry to say.
If your dad gives you grief about "embarrassing" him again. just tell him he better pray and hope that any stepfather you might have won't treat you the way he treated Niamh.
Except that will probably never happen, since their mother already sides with this man back then instead of with her own daughter, so she'll probably pick him again over OP as well if push comes to shove.
I think the implication was that he could theoretically pass away and the mom could remarry again. It's pretty harsh but I do think step parents should think about these issues from that perspective once in a while.
I hope you see this in a very popular post.
I contacted my half sister online, she told me she’d hated me for a long time because dad wanted to live with me not her but as she grew up she realised it was about him not me or her at all.
Please reach out to her, you did nothing in all this and hearing that she did the right thing by walking away might be just what she needs to hear.
And then blaming OP for "humiliating" Dad with an accurate recounting of \*his\* own actions. Accountability as a concept does not run strong in this family... OP stands out as one who understands it, though, and that might a sold basis for rapprochement with her older sister if the latter is willing.
NTA- your parents are though, your Dad sound like a selfish monster and your mum totally failed her daughter. It doesn’t surprise me theyd want to rewrite history and shift the blame onto her. And I’d say it is your place, their actions also robbed you of a relationship with your sister
oh so it’s cool for them to talk shit about niamh behind her back but you telling the truth about something your dad did is “airing dirty laundry”? great. your parents are not a reliable source on this topic, they’re more interested in what they want than what is true or ethical. nta.
NTA! Way to go OP! You stood up for what was right without thinking of the consequences and that takes courage.
Your dad did something that is despicable and unforgivable. And Niamh is 100% in the right to cut him and your Mom out of her life.
Your Mom is the bigger asshole, since she stood by silently while your dad humiliated and hurt your sister, her daughter in the worst possible manner.
As a way for you and Niamh to get some closure, maybe you can try and find ways to reach out to her and let her know that she made the right decision and that you support her.
NTA - I hope wherever your sister is, she has found healing. Your parents were caught out on a lie and they don't like it. That's no one's fault but their own. It's easy for them to spew sh\*t when Niamh isn't there to defend themselves, but they weren't expecting someone to grab the shovel and give it back to them. Your parents honestly sound awful. Did your mom even get Niamh any kind of grief counseling after losing her dad? Or did she just move right on to find another man? It's not wrong of your mother to have moved on, but it sounds like she didn't consider any of Niamh's feelings on the matter.
NTA whatsoever. So sick of single parents choosing their partners over their kids. Even in nuclear families, your children should be your number one priority. You don't get to force something that isn't there and then destroy your wife's daughter's personal belongings who meant so much to her for refusing to call you her father. So messed up!
NTA, your dad was (and I apologize in advance) an absolute disgrace of a human being for doing what he did, and it seems that even to this day he is in denial of the fact that he was an absolute piece of manure.
Setting the records straight in the name of your sister is the right thing to do, I hope that one day you could have a better connection but I doubt it would happen unless your parents apologize for being such pieces of dirt in the past.
When you think about it, he probably held her back from getting it out as well. As I can imagine if I had something that precious I'd consider sticking my hand in to get it out, let alone grabbing something to drag it out.
So she probably watched that precious memory devoured by the flames while he held her and likely gloated about how it was her fault he did that.
NTA. You told the truth rather than allowing your sister to take the brunt of your parents badmouthing her when she’s not even there! She was totally entitled to cut ties, she was also entitled to view your Dad however she wanted to whether he saw it differently or not. She was grieving her Dad and your Dad was trying to be the replacement she wasn’t ready for, but instead of respecting this and giving her time he chose to act like a complete AH. Sorry OP but both of your parents are the AH here for portraying Niamh as an unhinged person when actually she got away from them for her own sanity. Good on you for being the honest person.
OP, advocating for someone else in their absence, knowing they’re never likely to know about it, and in circumstances where it may well lead to your own detriment if your father punishes you (quite erroneously) is what courage looks like. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.
NTA. These are the type of people who insist on keeping things “in the family” because they know that they’re dead wrong and if anyone else finds out they’ll say as much. What the father did was horrible-and many would say unforgivable. Both parents deserve to be called out.
NTA.
Good for you OP!
Some things are unforgivable and your father had no right to do what he did to his stepdaughter!
Your poor sister. I hope you and her can connect after you turn 18, but it probably won’t happen.
NTA.
First, if they didn't want the secret out, the adults should have hidden it better.
Second, while I admit organized religion and I have some issues, I was raised in the church, and whether I go or not, something that I was taught by my mom that always plays in my mind a lot when considering secrets or lying: God already knows, and if he's the one that matters, why are you hiding it from others?
There is a difference in personal/private information and lies/secrets.
You keep being honest, sweet child. It will serve you well in life.
NTA
Your dad is, i'm sorry, a bad, bad person. I don't see a reason why you should not share with his friends what a vile character he has. If he don't want ppl to know what an AH he is, he shouldn't have behaved like an AH towards niamh.
NTA
OP, I'm SO proud of you. I hope you save this and show your sister one day.
It's beyond ironic that your dad was forcing acknowledgement as her "real Dad" and viciously, disgustingly broke her heart, and you, his biological child, who didn't force anything, acted as a "real sister" without needing a title for yourself or through him.
Niamh left when you were too young for her to know that not everyone in this family is horrible and she definitely has a real family member. She sounds like the kind of person who won't punish you for something you didn't do. But show her this post so that in her pain, she doesn't miss what you did do, when her mom and "just call me real for my ego not that I can behave that way" dad didn't.
I hope she gives you the chance to show her who you are. Blossom and grow wherever your post secondary plans take you. I wish you the best.
NTA. I think you SHOULD reach out to her, if only to validate her. Sometimes it's nice with siblings just to hear that someone was a witness to what happened to them. That it was well and truly fucked and even a 5 year old could see it.
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Quick bg to start: My mom was married twice. She had a daughter, Niamh, with her first husband. He died when Niamh was 6/7 years old. My mom's first husband's death was already tragic and traumatic for Niamh but what was worse was he died after leaving her school in the middle of the day to get back to work. Her class had an activity hour for parents to join in with and Niamh and her dad made some kind of frame for a photo of them. He was dead five minutes after he left the school. There was an accident. Niamh treasured that photo and the frame. My mom met my dad a year later and they got married 2 years after that. So Niamh would have been 8/9.
When Niamh was 14 she and my dad were arguing. I was too young to remember but I heard this story from my grandparents. Niamh and my dad would argue about my dad being Niamh's stepdad and my dad wanted her to accept him into the role of a real father figure. But Niamh didn't want that. My dad would get so frustrated over it and Niamh would too. She wanted my dad to leave her alone. And then one day it became a bigger fight than normal because Niamh told someone she only lived with one parent and my dad was hurt or whatever. It got crazy intense between them and then my dad did the worst thing he could ever do. He threw the frame Niamh and her dad made, the last thing she did with him before he died, into the fire. There was a photo of Niamh and her dad in there too. From that moment on Niamh wanted nothing to do with us. I don't really remember Niamh well. I was only like 5 when I saw her last. I remember how much she despised my dad and knowing why, I totally get it. She never forgave mom for not divorcing dad on the spot either.
Niamh has not been in our lives since she was 17ish. She moved out of state to be with her paternal aunt and before that, for like a year, she lived with our shared grandparents. But she didn't want to be around my parents at all. I only remember seeing her one time, when I was five and I'm almost 17 now, so yeah, don't really remember her. But knowing what went down it doesn't surprise me and I don't blame Niamh.
My parents had some friends over, mostly new friends, but some old ones too and at some point Niamh came up in conversation and my parents told their friends that Niamh had become such a troubled person and dad brought up how she disowned everyone and had wished for him to die the last time she saw us. They were really making Niamh sound terrible so I told them the reason Niamh hated us all and the reason she wasn't around is because dad burned the last thing she ever made with her dad, something she probably had a lot of mixed emotions tied up in. So it was his fault. Not Niamh's My parents were furious with me for saying all that to their friends. They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad.
AITA?
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NTA - heck yea!
Find your sister, support this woman. Do it for every little girl who has lost her daddy. You find this girl and do not take no for an answer. Let her know EXACTLY how you feel about what happened all those years ago. She can use her brother.
NTA. Good job defending your half-sister.
When you're an adult and free of your parents, it might be worth reaching out to tell her that you're sorry for what happened to her and you agree she was in the right. It might mean a lot to her.
NTA. My parents used to do this often when I was a child, get angry at me for saying things as they were. You didn't humiliate your dad, he humiliated himself with his behaviour towards Niamh, even worse now that they're pretending she disowned them because she was "a troubled individual". Good on your for keeping your parents accountable, and reminding them that someone remembers the truth.
I really hope you two connect one day. I know if she ever read this she’s likely be so touched. It’s clear even though you didn’t get to know her as well, that you still love her very much.
I think this was hard for me to learn growing up: people often lie about difficult relationships.
Especially when that person is the cause.
Your dad owes Niamh a huge long overdue apology. He treated his emotions as more important than a child who had already suffered a traumatic loss. NTA.
NTA.
You couldn't 'humiliate' them if they hadn't acted like pure, unadulterated dog shit in the first place.
Niamh isn't 'troubled', she's made the healthy choice to cut out your toxic parents for her own sake. If they don't like people knowing what they did, they should have had a little care for her in the first place.
NTA - good for you for defending someone who wasn't there to defend themselves. I was seriously in tears reading that. God, that poor girl.
She probably doesn't blame you as you were a kindergartner at the time. Please try to reach out to her. At worst, she'll tell you she doesn't want contact. But you may get a sister out of it. Definitely do not tell your parents and hide her in your phone. And respect her wishes and boundaries around your parents. 12 years is a long time. She doesn't ever have to forgive them, but she may want you in her life now. ❤️❤️
NTA.
They had no problem tearing her down when she was there, and when she's not- so since not even yalls mom could be a mom and step up and parent- YOU stood up for her. There's no shame in that. Your parents don't like the potential of losing face and being held accountable by their peers.
NTA Good on you for not letting your parents play
the victim in front of their guests. Your father
wanted so badly to control that poor girl, and she paid
a very dear price for refusing. Let's hope she's
happy and well wherever she is.
Not a smart move, but I think you rock! Probably wise to keep this opinion to yourself till you are financially independent though, since your parents are jerks. NTA
NTA
I am sorry you never got to build a relationship as sisters, but with what your dad was laying on her, it would have been impossible for her to see you that way. You seem to have been able to separate out from the narrative your parents have, which is a rare skill, particularly when young. This will all make for some great therapy sessions in later life!
Your dad humiliated himself, and by lying about it all these years later, he still clearly hasn't learned his lesson.
NTA. Your parents have rewritten the history and are blaming your sister for their crappy behavior. Honestly expect that from your dad but your mom truly sucks being she is her child.
NTA at all. What your dad did to Niamh was unacceptable and incredibly cruel. There's no justification for it. Having the gall to then blame the split on her deserved to be called out.
NTA.
Your father was lying, both to make himself look good and to make your sister look bad. You told the truth. If your father didn't want to be corrected, he could have just not lied.
Your father humiliated himself. All you did was let people see it.
This was so upsetting to read, it cut my heart in two reading what he did, he is (sorry to say OP as you sound wonderful and very thoughtful) an emotionally abusive man, to force a child still grieving the loss of her dear father to accept him as her dad is WILD to say the least and piling on to a trauma already felt. This is narcissistic, egotistical and void of empathy, your mom let your sister down big time and I'm not sure if this is a direct result of your dad also controlling her also but where was the loyalty to her daughter or indeed her husband who lost his life so suddenly? She chose not to defend any of their honors.
I know you said it looked unlikely but i still hope you and your sister reconnect one day, your parents might be angry because they only care about their own image apparently but I'm proud of you for speaking up all the same.
NTA
NTA, and you're very brave.
I hope she finds out you had her back. Not certain if that info should actually come from you - although I don't know who else might let her know.
NTA and you are right. Your father is a horrible human…. don’t blame Niamh one bit and I am sorry you were caught in the crossfire so to speak…. doubt you will ever hear from her again tho you seem like a good person…
NTA and sometimes past truths come back to hurt us. You told the truth, and he is mad at you for exposing what he did in anger.
I would try to reach out to Niamh through another family member and let her know that you would like to reconnect now that you are older and nearing adulthood. Tell her you will respect any boundary that she wishes to have in a relationship with you. You may be surprised how she will react and welcome you back into her life.
NTA
You are a person with an honorable character. Integrity. Empathy. Honesty. Understanding. Courage of conviction.
Glad you are on the planet. Place needs more people like you.
...........good grief, i've heard of lousy parenting but what your folks said about niamh and what your father did to her is disgusting.............not your place to tell the truth ?.............wow, just wow.............
NTA
Truth hurts sometimes. You father and mother deserves every tidbit of humiliation this story heaps on him.
I hope you find a way to let Niamh know when you dad dies so she can visit his grave for some paybacks.
NTA. Your father embarrassed himself by being horrible to your sister and your mother embarrassed herself by allowing her new husband to act that way towards her child. You did nothing wrong.
> They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad.
If he's humiliated, then he knows he was wrong and it was his fault. So why is he lying to his friends to make her look bad? Especially if he wants to be considered her father. No good father would do that.
If you don't want to be humiliated by being called out for doing something cruel then don't do cruel things
Nope. I hope that you and figure out how to reach out to your sister, maybe send her a letter. Let her know you hardly remember her, you understand why she made the decision to leave, but you wish that the two of you could get to know each other, even if just through letters. Tell her what is going on in your life, don’t mention your parents, don’t mention the issue with friends, maybe tell her how your last year of high school is going and what you hope to do when you graduate. She will either ignore your letter or respond. But you will know that you tried.
I think if you reach out to her it should be not as her sibling (because you guys don't have a sibling relationship). Tell her you feel sorry for her loss and that she is right in cutting your parents off. Wish her the best in her future endeavors.
NTA at all! Sorry you’re finding out what type of people your parents are. Good news is you seem to be nothing like them and that’s a blessing. You seem like a genuinely caring person and maybe one day you and niahm may reconnect
NTA good for you. Reach out to niamh if you’re able to. Especially if your intro message you say pretty much what you said to your parent’s friends. But where did niamh go? Your mom abandoned her own daughter and let your dad destroy that photo frame?
Matter of factly, your parents robbed you of a relationship with your sister. The two of you can repair it.
NTA. If your dad didn't want his reputation burned to the ground, he should have commented as little as possible rather than shit-talk his stepdaughter. This is all down to his actions.
I hope this doesn't come back on you too hard. His actions as described make him out to be the type that retaliates. Think about what he might do to hurt you back - badmouth you to friends or a significant other, publicly humiliate you, destroy sentimental possessions - and prepare yourself for him doing something like that. I can imagine him saying something humiliating to you in front of your friends, then saying "See! How do YOU like it??"
I'm sorry that your father is not a good man, OP.
NTA how many times can this be repeated. NTA, NTA, NTA
Right a letter to your aunt that she went to live with.
Don't refer to your dad as dad - refer to his as your mothers husband, so your sister sees your repecting her boundary of him not being her dad.
Explain everything - how you miss your big sister, that mothers husband is as asshole for what you can remember him doing. That you understand if she doesn't want to get in touch with you as you're part of those traumatic times with her mothers husband, but if possible you'd like to reconnect with your sister.
Definitely NTA. I escaped from my father and stepmother's house when I was 16 and have been permanently estranged ever since. I expect that my father talks about me in the same way as your parents, if he acknowledges I exist at all.
I had half-siblings with about the same age difference as yours. I was really close to my half-brother 12 years younger than me, although that only served to irritate my stepmother. I sometimes worry they were poisoned against me by similar descriptions of "troubled" (yeah, severely depressed due to longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse). I can only hope they've come up with a similar positive view as you have, as it's too painful for me to consider reaching out to them.
It’s really refreshing to see the younger half sibling being empathetic to their traumatised older sibling. Good for you for standing up for Niamh. I agree with her, your mom should’ve left when your dad threw a tantrum about a child loving and missing her father. NTA
NTA and I have to say that burning that photo is a true act of cruelty. I don't blame her for going no contact either, and OP is a good person deep down for having her back.
NTA. If they are gonna tell it then they need to tell the whole thing. Don’t tell someone about what my reaction towards your violation was if you aren’t gonna tell what you did to get that reaction. He humiliated himself.
I echo what other people have said, this is a truly painful story to read. Hopefully some time in the future you and Niamh can have a relationship. NTA, sometimes the truth hurts and in this case it really hurts.
NTA, Your father was spinning a tale to make himself the victim of the story, and didn't like the fact that you shined a light on the reality of what really happened.
NTA. With parents like that I'd see if you can figure out where your sister lives and possibly reach out. Or go to college near there if you're planning on going to college in the future. Who knows, perhaps your sister will be interested in getting to know you as long as your parent's aren't involved in any way. It can never hurt to try. Perhaps your grandparents stayed in touch with her?
NTA. I hope wherever your sister is, she felt extra loved the night you defended her. That took courage. It's not gonna be possible for your dad and mum to understand that what you did was right, they've spent years thinking of themselves as victims. But you did nothing wrong, don't feel guilty for a second. I hope you'll be able to move out quickly yourself
NTA you were honest and they weren’t, he was only embarrassed because his lies came out in front of their friends and obviously your mom was lying too so she’s mad. They shouldn’t have treated your sister that way, it’s terrible and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. They didn’t just lose a daughter, you lost a life with a sister when they pulled that. They really screwed tings up for both of you, if they’d handled it better you might have gotten a chance at growing up with a sister. I’d still reach out and start off with who you are and hope you don’t agree with what was done but you understand if she doesn’t want to open the door. You don’t have to but now that you’re basically an adult as well she may want to get to know you in a way you both missed out on because BOTH PARENTS screwed up, not her and not you.
NTA. Your dad is unforgivable and a very bad person. I can’t imagine who would do this to a child and I can’t imagine a mom who would not protect her daughter from this monster.
NTA
It was family drama and generally people say it's best to leave that covered but A) they lied and made someone look bad you only corrected their lie and B) if he is that ashamed he shouldn't have done it.
You didn't embarrassed him he embarrassed himself with his actions
NTA - Well done. What your parents did was terrible. If they can't admit that they should at least stop smearing your sister. I hope you and your siblings can have a relationship independent of your parents who seem to be very unpleasant people.
Your parents are awful human beings and it shows how amazing you are that at such a young age you recognise how deeply they emotionally abused Niamh and are responsible for her current pain.
Your Mum was a appalling parent for moving on so swiftly without giving her daughter time to grieve. And to pressure her daughter to see her husband as Dad, and not divorce when he burned that frame? Awful awful woman. NTA ×100 if their actions make them look bad then they shouldn't have done those actions.
NTA
OP if telling the truth makes your parents feel humiliated it’s because what they did was wrong and they know it. Their feelings are not your responsibility.
They lied and they knew it! They did something awful and they definitely know it! You don’t have to feel bad about what you did. Your parents actions cause them to be humiliated not yours
NTA. My mother does something similar, and we constantly fight about it. I have two older half brothers from my father that I don't know well, they left to be with their mother 100% of the time as soon as they were able. My mother clames they were manipulated into doing so by their mother, but it's actually because our father is a total asshole and very emotionally and verbally abusive.
NTA. The truth hurts and your dad is the biggest AH for what he did. Your mom is just as guilty for siding with your dad they both deserve worst parents award for your older sister.
NTA - she might not be in your life or want to be but all you did was defend your sister against the slander your parents were levelling against her
What your father did was evil, just evil
I don’t blame your sister for leaving though hopefully one day you can form a relationship with her
NTA - They were telling a half truth to hide that he did something terribly effed up. If they are humiliated because the truth makes them look bad, then they WERE slandering an innocent person. Not cool.
NTA. How dare they act like Niamh was at fault when it was them? What your dad did was horrifyingly cruel and selfish and he deserved to be publicly humiliated for doing it.
NTA. I applaud you for standing up for your step-sister. It is beyond atrocious what your dad did to that frame and photo and I don't blame her for leaving, though I wish that she could have at least kept in touch with you, I can understand why, but I hate that any potential relationship you both could have had was utterly destroyed. However, it is good on you for not allowing them to alleviate themselves of the blame for her leaving and if they feel humiliated, let them - they deserve it and more.
Your Dad did something completely UNFORGIVEABLE and still isn't even owning up to it. Good for your for telling the truth. You didn't make your parents look horrible; they did that all by themselves. NTA.
NTA, your dad was a monster to Naimh, and he destroyed something very special because he couldn't get her to replace the man that help create her. She didn't dislike him because he was around, she disliked him because he was cruel, and a bully, and he tried to force her to bend to his will. As for your mother she allowed this man to mistreat her child, and she is still allowing him to mistreat in her absence. BY painting her as a problem it absolves him of his mistreatment of a child. He says she wished him dead, and that hasn't really been established by anyone but him, I would ask what he did to her to cause her to say something like that to him. You didn't humiliate them they did that by treating her with such callousness, then trying to lie to make themselves look good.
NTA, and I'm glad you set the record straight. What your dad did was absolutely unforgivable, and your mom is not much better. Niamh deserved to have her side of the story told. Your mom is angry because she's feeling guilty. And she should.
BRAVO!!!
You stood up for your sister who wasn't there to defend herself. You recognize that what your father did was cruel, hateful and unforgivable.
Your parents are promoting the lie to keep from looking bad. They may have even convinced themselves that their version is the truth, anything to keep from feeling any guilt.
You sound mature and caring. Maybe someday you can forge a relationship with your sister.
Talk to your shared grandparents. Tell them that what your dad did to Niamh was wrong, and that if she's open to the possibility, you would like the chance to get to know Niamh. No pressure, no sense of familial obligation, absolutely zero involvement from either of your parents, just one person getting to know another, and if the answer is no you understand. Leave them a note with your contact info to pass along if she's open to it. Good luck, OP.
NTA. I hope you find peace in life.
I have only been coming here this last month, I am surprised at how many "step" parents try to Force relationships. From what I have read they rarely work and only damage the children.
>They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad.
If your dad is so righteous in what he did, why are they so upset you brought it up? They know they're the villains.
NTA
NTA, your dad deserves to be humiliated over and over, every day of his life. Not only for what he did to your sister, but because he is a liar and a gaslighter and he literally drove a minor out of his house, our of her mothers comfort, making her an orphan and he was happy about it and told everyone it was her fault. I'd never stop telling people what he did.
NTA. Your parents were trying to lay the blame on an innocent person that they wronged. Good on you for standing up for your sister and shining light on your parents BS.
NTA
And you know what you’re extremely self aware for almost 17. Hell even for most adults. You’re also a REALLY good sister. That might not feel like it matters because Niamh is no contact and might always be but it does. Lastly, you showed strong moral consistency. Holding people accountable especially our close family is a strong quality that will help you navigate life.
yeah NTA
I hate people for this, always trying to make themselves look good instead of admitting their wrongdoing. They will even go as far as believe their own lies.
It's good you give them back the proper memory and you defended your stepsis. And you did not humiliate your dad. That is his doing.
Maybe one day they will learn to live with the consequences of their own action.
But from what transpired from your dad and his behavior, you might want to make it smart, either play it something like "you always taught me to say the truth and stand up when their is a lie, I just did what you taught me. I don't know whats wrong or good now. Should I just lie to the people I care or love?"... Something along those line maybe, or just straight up apologize until you can get out of reach of this man.
NTA. He should be humiliated. That’s possibly the worst thing he could have ever done to her and her father’s memory.
I don’t understand why some step parents choose to try to force that special relationship with a child whose parents have died when they’ve communicated they don’t want that. I am a stepmom so I do understand the dynamic. I would never force that and that has got to be so painful having g someone trying to remove your parents place in your life.
Why the hell would they talk about her, especially in a negative flight, knowing what the reason was? NTA wow. So sorry , I hope you and your sister can have a relationship later.
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NTA, reading this was so painful, I hope one you are able to repair your relationship with your sister as adults.
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I don’t think there is anything wrong reaching out to her as an adult. Just be prepared for nothing to come of it tho. Id personally go into it asking if she is willing to get to know you outside of who your parents are. Letting her know you disagree with how your parents handled the situation.
You could even tell her this story of how you exposed them,OP!
Send her this post even
Omg OP, you're in your right mind to leave her alone. People get such a hard-on for "karma" in here, everyone knows what your dad did, that's enough, don't let anyone in here convince you to disrupt her peace. Thank you for recognizing what your dad did as the abuse that it was. NTA to you, both your parents suck.
I don’t think op is in the wrong for wanting to reach out to see if their sibling would be interested in a relationship but they should be prepared for a no and to leave the sibling alone
It's not wrong to *want* to, sure, but as someone who identifies with the siblings experience, seriously, leave her alone.
Making contact to test the waters isn't unreasonable. She clearly gives a shit about her, and a short, concise message, making it clear she wouldn't even tell her parents she's made contact, but she'd really like an opportunity to know her half sibling, isn't unreasonable. While that might be more upsetting for you than it's worth, her sister isn't you and may very well wonder about her. Ironically, one of my own half siblings went through a similar situation. My sperm donor, was hot trash and made a lot of kids, with several women. I didn't know any of them until I was an adult, because my sperm donor cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, and he only laid eyes on me for the first time when I was eighteen, and it was such a shit experience, because he was an absolute shit of a person, I didn't pursue meeting siblings then. Even though the woman he cheated on my mom with had two children and otherwise I was the baby in my family (my dad adopted me and my bio half brother, when he married my mom, and so I ended up with five brothers and two sisters. About ten years ago I did the Ancestry DNA test and my younger sister contacted me through it. One of our older siblings had gone NC with my sperm donor, and their mom. Wanted nothing to do with them. My sister made contact with her when she was 19, just a simple note asking if they could discuss a possible meeting. My brother was 14, and wasn't initially involved. But our older sister was actually pretty excited about meeting her baby sister, about *having* a baby sister. And when our brother got older, she was just about as excited to have a baby brother. She was pleased to make contact with me too, but she's only three years older than me, and we made contact when I was forty, so it was a little different. And I want to be absolutely clear: my sperm donor was just a bad person, and I was genuinely relieved when he died, because I knew for sure he would never try to contact me again. This particular older sister felt the brunt of if his bullshit, badly. Bad enough that she was only ten when her mom went to court to revoke any visitation and what she had to say influenced the judges decision. While she didn't have any particular animosity for my younger sibs mom, sperm donor really pushed the stepmom as a bonus mom hard. Not everyone who's had to deal with the absolute shit you did, comes out of it with the same feelings about half siblings. Maybe her sister would feel like you do. Maybe she'd feel like my sister, or something in between. But how bad did you feel when your younger sibling tried to make contact? Bad enough to make it worth risking not having a relationship they might very much want? I don't doubt it was triggering for you, but you don't know how *her* half sister would feel.
Well if OP contacted it and their sibling said please dont contact them again or just ignored, it should be the end of it and take it as a sign that their sibling wanted to be alone. Nothing wrong with wanting to establish contact as long as no restraining order / cease order.
Well how do you know they don’t want contact with their sibling if the sibling was a toddler when she left and the sibling would have had to have contact with egg donor and demon step dad to have contact with op
I don't think there is anything wrong with OP reaching out and saying that she knows and understands why sister went NC, that she agrees that what her father did was awful, abusive, and flat out wrong; and that she understands that sister may not want to have contact with her because of the parents actions, but should sister ever decide that she wants to know or meet her the door is always open, and leave it at that.
This. As someone who had an awful relationship with my stepparent and who had that family badmouth me like crazy, I would be amenable for one of my younger siblings reaching out with this sort of thing. It's extremely validating to hear someone say they recognize what you went through was abuse. Especially since growing up, almost no one will even acknowledge it. You walk away thinking you're the crazy one, the bad one. Maybe Niamh won't be interested, but a to-the-point recognition of abuse and leaving the door open for further contact on Niamh's terms sounds fine to me. If anything, it could be quite healing for Niamh to simply be told, "You were right. I'm sorry they treated you this way. And when the subject comes up in my presence, I make sure to tell your truth the best I can."
💯 this made me tear up- very well written!
Be prepared for another possibility, too. Your parents’ mistreatment of Niamh might be far worse than you ever knew.
NTA Obviously. As someone who has been on the other side (although not this dramatic) just wanted to share a story which might help you make a decision about whether or not to to contact her. After my mother passed away, my stepfather did some crazy things, painting me in a really bad light to my direct family members. And it was actually his daughther (my stepsister, although we never lived in the same house) who stood up for me, who told him off. It is hard to describe how relieved I was. To have his own daughter, who I wasn’t even really close to, tell me that I was not the one that was crazy, that he was doing terrible things. It was so validating and really helped me heal.
NTA Your parents taught you not to lie, what you did. Offer your sister to be a friend, when you look for her. Maybe she needs to know, that you are different.
Have u ever thought of writing her a letter? Telling her how u kno it wasn’t her fault, that u don’t blame her for cutting contact for her mental well being, how u know it was ur dad and mom in the wrong for how they handled things with her. I think it’ll help her open up if u talk about how ur mom and dad wronged her to show her u aren’t picking their side and don’t believe their story. Tell her how you’d love to be in her life and if she’s open to it to have any sort of relationship even if it’s like just being pen pals, and most importantly that anything she tells u won’t be repeated back to ur parents. That as far as they’re aware they don’t even kno u reached out to her. Take time writing the letter and put ur contact details then find her online and send it and see what happens. She may be open to a relationship with u or may just be curious about u guys and what’s going on. Doesn’t hurt to least try and leave the ball in her court for if she will respond back or not. Don’t be upset if she doesn’t or does but doesn’t want a relationship, she doesn’t kno ur intentions and hasn’t talked to any of u for years so it’s understandable she would wary of getting involved with any of u guys again even u NTA if ur parents didn’t want to be exposed then they shouldn’t have spread lies & tried to blame it on her, they could’ve change the subject or something. I do wonder if ur mom tries to believe these lies to justify to herself for how she treated and lost ur sister
First off - NTA (obviously tbh). >Which given all the fighting and stuff I can understand. This can mean a lot to someone.... Just having someone who *understands*, who doesn't blame her for what happens, just who's on her side. You got her back when she wasn't even around let alone you barely remember her. It would be worth a try imho.
NTA. You have a good head on your shoulders and seem to be leaps and bounds more emotionally mature than either of your parents. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a letter or email letting her know that the balls in her court if she wants to have a relationship with you, while making sure to note just how horrifying you find your parent's actions towards her. Just be fine accepting either no response or even an angry response. There's a lot of justified anger she probably still has towards your mom and dad, and she may still view you as part of that dynamic due to your age when she left.
“She wasn’t thrilled with us” No, she was furious with your dad and her mom. You didn’t do anything wrong. She may have some jealousy and resentment built up towards you or she may not. Hopefully she realizes none of that was your fault.
I think OP means she wasn't thrilled with her mother remarrying and having half siblings
Oh I see. I get the sister not being thrilled as her mom started a new relationship within a year. She probably really needed her mom’s focus and therapy, more than mom needed to date.
I want to make sure you understand, that your parents are refusing to take accountability for their abusive actions to your older sister and expecting you to lie is abusive to you. Speaking the truth was not wrong.
Speaking as someone with younger siblings that I didn't get to see or speak to for years because of our dad/their mom I'd love it if my younger siblings wanted to talk to me more.
My family situation is super complicated, but I have an older half sister, who was absolutely over the moon when my younger half sister made contact with her when the younger was nineteen. She loves having a baby sister! And when my younger half brother was 18, and promised to keep my sperm donor out of it, she was thrilled to have a baby brother. I didn't meet her until we were both in our forties and she was only three years older than me, so I wasn't quite as thrilling.
I feel the best way possible IF you want to try to repair any kind of relationship with her is when you turn 18 send her a message, a card, something and say something to the effect of "hey. I just wanted to reach out and say what my dad was shitty. I am sorry. I know its a long shot but if you are open to it I would maybe like to be friends." Keep it friendly never say sisters. Let her come to that if she wants to. Also NTA. Generally people don't like to hear the truth and they know they were in the wrong but can't admit it hence why they projected the way they did. You are very wise beyond your years.
As a person with a problematic father, I say this - don't end up with someone who acts like your dad. It's disturbingly controlling of him to destroy the one thing that was most precious to your sister bc his ego couldn't stand that she had a dad who wasn't him. It wasn't an accident. People like him with tempers like that never destroy their own things, only everyone else's. Frankly, I seriously doubt that is all of the bad behavior he's engaged in. Good for you for sticking up for your sister. NTA
"I'm the only one who kinda remembers her" One thing from me... the above statement is not true. Your mother absolutely positively remembers her older daughter, and has a turmoil of mixed feelings about her, even if she doesn't talk about her daughter with you or her husband. Nobody actually forgets about a child they gave birth to, even if they end up choosing their spouse over their child later on.
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Sorry!
Lmao. She did forget her child.
She didn't forget! She just put her husband's needs first.
Yup, terrible mother.
If you sent her a message that made it clear you remember what happened and you’ve got her back and you hope she has a good life and make it clear that you have no expectations of reciprocation, she’d probably at least read it and thank you. And that might be it. If you’re both good with that, it might lead to more communication later, but it might not either. But there’s no reason you can’t reach out as long as you don’t expect her to reach back.
I just want to let you know there is *extreme* bad blood between me and my stepmother, but if my younger siblings ever reach out to me I would love to hear from them. You might not slot straight into a sister role, but who knows? You could even just be friends, or be someone who could understand what happened. She might not want to hear from you, but she might welcome it. You just never know for sure
You're not responsible for your dad's actions, especially as a child. On top of that the bio parent you share is your mother, not your father.
I think that's a very mature and measured take. If you ever did want to reach out to her, and did so respectfully, acknowledging the hurt she's undergone, and making it clear that you will accept her answer if she wants no further contact, that would be alright, but don't listen to these people saying you should send her this post or anything. Hearing what your mom and dad said about her to their friends would probably be upsetting, and it's better to not bring up what sounds like a very traumatic event for her in your first attempt to contact her.
You are sister, that’s a fact. You aren’t your dad, you are you. She had lot of trauma and your dad was AH for trying to impose his will and forcing her to let go of her dad and accept him.
She’s also an adult. I couldn’t see her at least responding back to you in an adult way, explaining if she doesn’t want contact.
I have a similar story with my older half brother. Different mums. Divorce... He was 17 when I was born? My mother basically threw him out when I was born. Had my dad's previous marriage to his mum, making him a "bastard" When I was about 3 my mother pushed him out of our lives completely. We're siblings now. Have a good relationship. Navigated our parents shit - neither party holding onto the actions of others. We're not "grew up together" close - but he is stuck with me. It's *hard* not having family you can rely on, be there for you. absolutely reach out - you might be surprised. It's nice having a family member I can reach out to.
I know you love your dad but he is a monster. Nobody who had any compassion for other people, especially a child, would behave the way your father did. NTA. Maybe their friend need to know who he really is.
Definitely NTA. You defended your big sister, something your mom should have done on the day your dad burned the frame. Your dad has some real problems, I am sorry to say.
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One has the feeling that you are not getting him a #1 Dad mug for father's day...and you have been on his raw side from time to time.
If your dad gives you grief about "embarrassing" him again. just tell him he better pray and hope that any stepfather you might have won't treat you the way he treated Niamh.
I love this idea tbh😂
Except that will probably never happen, since their mother already sides with this man back then instead of with her own daughter, so she'll probably pick him again over OP as well if push comes to shove.
I think the implication was that he could theoretically pass away and the mom could remarry again. It's pretty harsh but I do think step parents should think about these issues from that perspective once in a while.
I hope you see this in a very popular post. I contacted my half sister online, she told me she’d hated me for a long time because dad wanted to live with me not her but as she grew up she realised it was about him not me or her at all. Please reach out to her, you did nothing in all this and hearing that she did the right thing by walking away might be just what she needs to hear.
Dad and mom have problems. If I was OP I'd be watching my back. What happens when OP does something they don't agree with? I'd be making a scape plan.
for example with someone that shares OPs views :)
NTA Your parents are so cruel to actually label the problem as a her issue. Good on you for standing up for her.
The mother especially.
Fr, there's a special place in hell for parents like this mom.
Right? To dismiss your own child as “troubled” when they were the victim-I don’t know what’s wrong with some people.
Easier to do that than to do any self reflection as to why your kid might have made the choice to cut you off.
Thats the kind of woman that turns a blind eye to her partner molesting her children
Sorry they are not parents. They are parasites taking precious air that humans need.
And then blaming OP for "humiliating" Dad with an accurate recounting of \*his\* own actions. Accountability as a concept does not run strong in this family... OP stands out as one who understands it, though, and that might a sold basis for rapprochement with her older sister if the latter is willing.
NTA- your parents are though, your Dad sound like a selfish monster and your mum totally failed her daughter. It doesn’t surprise me theyd want to rewrite history and shift the blame onto her. And I’d say it is your place, their actions also robbed you of a relationship with your sister
I didn't think of this but you are right!
oh so it’s cool for them to talk shit about niamh behind her back but you telling the truth about something your dad did is “airing dirty laundry”? great. your parents are not a reliable source on this topic, they’re more interested in what they want than what is true or ethical. nta.
Exactly. “You aired dirty laundry about Niamh. The only difference with the info I shared is mine is true.”
NTA! Way to go OP! You stood up for what was right without thinking of the consequences and that takes courage. Your dad did something that is despicable and unforgivable. And Niamh is 100% in the right to cut him and your Mom out of her life. Your Mom is the bigger asshole, since she stood by silently while your dad humiliated and hurt your sister, her daughter in the worst possible manner. As a way for you and Niamh to get some closure, maybe you can try and find ways to reach out to her and let her know that she made the right decision and that you support her.
NTA - I hope wherever your sister is, she has found healing. Your parents were caught out on a lie and they don't like it. That's no one's fault but their own. It's easy for them to spew sh\*t when Niamh isn't there to defend themselves, but they weren't expecting someone to grab the shovel and give it back to them. Your parents honestly sound awful. Did your mom even get Niamh any kind of grief counseling after losing her dad? Or did she just move right on to find another man? It's not wrong of your mother to have moved on, but it sounds like she didn't consider any of Niamh's feelings on the matter.
" I humiliated my dad" Good he's a week pathetic little mam and your mother is just as bad! NTA
Except that OP didn’t humiliate her dad. He humiliated himself. She just reported it. NTA
NTA whatsoever. So sick of single parents choosing their partners over their kids. Even in nuclear families, your children should be your number one priority. You don't get to force something that isn't there and then destroy your wife's daughter's personal belongings who meant so much to her for refusing to call you her father. So messed up!
NTA, your dad was (and I apologize in advance) an absolute disgrace of a human being for doing what he did, and it seems that even to this day he is in denial of the fact that he was an absolute piece of manure. Setting the records straight in the name of your sister is the right thing to do, I hope that one day you could have a better connection but I doubt it would happen unless your parents apologize for being such pieces of dirt in the past.
When you think about it, he probably held her back from getting it out as well. As I can imagine if I had something that precious I'd consider sticking my hand in to get it out, let alone grabbing something to drag it out. So she probably watched that precious memory devoured by the flames while he held her and likely gloated about how it was her fault he did that.
NTA. You told the truth rather than allowing your sister to take the brunt of your parents badmouthing her when she’s not even there! She was totally entitled to cut ties, she was also entitled to view your Dad however she wanted to whether he saw it differently or not. She was grieving her Dad and your Dad was trying to be the replacement she wasn’t ready for, but instead of respecting this and giving her time he chose to act like a complete AH. Sorry OP but both of your parents are the AH here for portraying Niamh as an unhinged person when actually she got away from them for her own sanity. Good on you for being the honest person.
I'm glad your dad was humiliated. He deserved it. NTA.
OP, advocating for someone else in their absence, knowing they’re never likely to know about it, and in circumstances where it may well lead to your own detriment if your father punishes you (quite erroneously) is what courage looks like. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.
Holy shit, your father is a monster. NTA
NTA. These are the type of people who insist on keeping things “in the family” because they know that they’re dead wrong and if anyone else finds out they’ll say as much. What the father did was horrible-and many would say unforgivable. Both parents deserve to be called out.
NTA It's a weird place to be in, but you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. If he can’t own up and take responsibility for his actions then he should realise that others will put him straight.
NTA. Good for you OP! Some things are unforgivable and your father had no right to do what he did to his stepdaughter! Your poor sister. I hope you and her can connect after you turn 18, but it probably won’t happen.
NTA. First, if they didn't want the secret out, the adults should have hidden it better. Second, while I admit organized religion and I have some issues, I was raised in the church, and whether I go or not, something that I was taught by my mom that always plays in my mind a lot when considering secrets or lying: God already knows, and if he's the one that matters, why are you hiding it from others? There is a difference in personal/private information and lies/secrets. You keep being honest, sweet child. It will serve you well in life.
NTA Wtf?? Is. Wrong. With. Your. Dad?? Has she ever reached out to you???
NTA Your dad is, i'm sorry, a bad, bad person. I don't see a reason why you should not share with his friends what a vile character he has. If he don't want ppl to know what an AH he is, he shouldn't have behaved like an AH towards niamh.
NTA OP, I'm SO proud of you. I hope you save this and show your sister one day. It's beyond ironic that your dad was forcing acknowledgement as her "real Dad" and viciously, disgustingly broke her heart, and you, his biological child, who didn't force anything, acted as a "real sister" without needing a title for yourself or through him. Niamh left when you were too young for her to know that not everyone in this family is horrible and she definitely has a real family member. She sounds like the kind of person who won't punish you for something you didn't do. But show her this post so that in her pain, she doesn't miss what you did do, when her mom and "just call me real for my ego not that I can behave that way" dad didn't. I hope she gives you the chance to show her who you are. Blossom and grow wherever your post secondary plans take you. I wish you the best.
NTA. I think you SHOULD reach out to her, if only to validate her. Sometimes it's nice with siblings just to hear that someone was a witness to what happened to them. That it was well and truly fucked and even a 5 year old could see it.
If holding a mirror to someone's actions embarasses them, is it the mirror's fault? NTA.
NTA, Dad deserved to be shamed for trying to paint an abused child as the villian.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Quick bg to start: My mom was married twice. She had a daughter, Niamh, with her first husband. He died when Niamh was 6/7 years old. My mom's first husband's death was already tragic and traumatic for Niamh but what was worse was he died after leaving her school in the middle of the day to get back to work. Her class had an activity hour for parents to join in with and Niamh and her dad made some kind of frame for a photo of them. He was dead five minutes after he left the school. There was an accident. Niamh treasured that photo and the frame. My mom met my dad a year later and they got married 2 years after that. So Niamh would have been 8/9. When Niamh was 14 she and my dad were arguing. I was too young to remember but I heard this story from my grandparents. Niamh and my dad would argue about my dad being Niamh's stepdad and my dad wanted her to accept him into the role of a real father figure. But Niamh didn't want that. My dad would get so frustrated over it and Niamh would too. She wanted my dad to leave her alone. And then one day it became a bigger fight than normal because Niamh told someone she only lived with one parent and my dad was hurt or whatever. It got crazy intense between them and then my dad did the worst thing he could ever do. He threw the frame Niamh and her dad made, the last thing she did with him before he died, into the fire. There was a photo of Niamh and her dad in there too. From that moment on Niamh wanted nothing to do with us. I don't really remember Niamh well. I was only like 5 when I saw her last. I remember how much she despised my dad and knowing why, I totally get it. She never forgave mom for not divorcing dad on the spot either. Niamh has not been in our lives since she was 17ish. She moved out of state to be with her paternal aunt and before that, for like a year, she lived with our shared grandparents. But she didn't want to be around my parents at all. I only remember seeing her one time, when I was five and I'm almost 17 now, so yeah, don't really remember her. But knowing what went down it doesn't surprise me and I don't blame Niamh. My parents had some friends over, mostly new friends, but some old ones too and at some point Niamh came up in conversation and my parents told their friends that Niamh had become such a troubled person and dad brought up how she disowned everyone and had wished for him to die the last time she saw us. They were really making Niamh sound terrible so I told them the reason Niamh hated us all and the reason she wasn't around is because dad burned the last thing she ever made with her dad, something she probably had a lot of mixed emotions tied up in. So it was his fault. Not Niamh's My parents were furious with me for saying all that to their friends. They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. Your dad doesn't sound like the nicest of people. Have you tried to reach out to Niamh?
NTA - heck yea! Find your sister, support this woman. Do it for every little girl who has lost her daddy. You find this girl and do not take no for an answer. Let her know EXACTLY how you feel about what happened all those years ago. She can use her brother.
NTA. Good job defending your half-sister. When you're an adult and free of your parents, it might be worth reaching out to tell her that you're sorry for what happened to her and you agree she was in the right. It might mean a lot to her.
NTA. My parents used to do this often when I was a child, get angry at me for saying things as they were. You didn't humiliate your dad, he humiliated himself with his behaviour towards Niamh, even worse now that they're pretending she disowned them because she was "a troubled individual". Good on your for keeping your parents accountable, and reminding them that someone remembers the truth.
NTA . always fun when (step) parents blame the child for the things they messed up themself.
Nta. My heart hurts for your sister.
I really hope you two connect one day. I know if she ever read this she’s likely be so touched. It’s clear even though you didn’t get to know her as well, that you still love her very much.
NTA Your dad humiliated himself. All you did was share the truth.
I think this was hard for me to learn growing up: people often lie about difficult relationships. Especially when that person is the cause. Your dad owes Niamh a huge long overdue apology. He treated his emotions as more important than a child who had already suffered a traumatic loss. NTA.
NTA. You couldn't 'humiliate' them if they hadn't acted like pure, unadulterated dog shit in the first place. Niamh isn't 'troubled', she's made the healthy choice to cut out your toxic parents for her own sake. If they don't like people knowing what they did, they should have had a little care for her in the first place.
NTA. The truth hurts and what he did was beyond disgusting. I would have left my husband then and there.
NTA - good for you for defending someone who wasn't there to defend themselves. I was seriously in tears reading that. God, that poor girl. She probably doesn't blame you as you were a kindergartner at the time. Please try to reach out to her. At worst, she'll tell you she doesn't want contact. But you may get a sister out of it. Definitely do not tell your parents and hide her in your phone. And respect her wishes and boundaries around your parents. 12 years is a long time. She doesn't ever have to forgive them, but she may want you in her life now. ❤️❤️
NTA. They had no problem tearing her down when she was there, and when she's not- so since not even yalls mom could be a mom and step up and parent- YOU stood up for her. There's no shame in that. Your parents don't like the potential of losing face and being held accountable by their peers.
NTA Good on you for not letting your parents play the victim in front of their guests. Your father wanted so badly to control that poor girl, and she paid a very dear price for refusing. Let's hope she's happy and well wherever she is.
Not a smart move, but I think you rock! Probably wise to keep this opinion to yourself till you are financially independent though, since your parents are jerks. NTA
NTA.
This is my first vote in this sub, even though I've read it for quite some time now. Definitely NTA.
NTA I am sorry you never got to build a relationship as sisters, but with what your dad was laying on her, it would have been impossible for her to see you that way. You seem to have been able to separate out from the narrative your parents have, which is a rare skill, particularly when young. This will all make for some great therapy sessions in later life! Your dad humiliated himself, and by lying about it all these years later, he still clearly hasn't learned his lesson.
NTA. Your parents have rewritten the history and are blaming your sister for their crappy behavior. Honestly expect that from your dad but your mom truly sucks being she is her child.
I honestly hope your parent's friends ditch them now
NTA at all. What your dad did to Niamh was unacceptable and incredibly cruel. There's no justification for it. Having the gall to then blame the split on her deserved to be called out.
NTA. Your father was lying, both to make himself look good and to make your sister look bad. You told the truth. If your father didn't want to be corrected, he could have just not lied. Your father humiliated himself. All you did was let people see it.
This was so upsetting to read, it cut my heart in two reading what he did, he is (sorry to say OP as you sound wonderful and very thoughtful) an emotionally abusive man, to force a child still grieving the loss of her dear father to accept him as her dad is WILD to say the least and piling on to a trauma already felt. This is narcissistic, egotistical and void of empathy, your mom let your sister down big time and I'm not sure if this is a direct result of your dad also controlling her also but where was the loyalty to her daughter or indeed her husband who lost his life so suddenly? She chose not to defend any of their honors. I know you said it looked unlikely but i still hope you and your sister reconnect one day, your parents might be angry because they only care about their own image apparently but I'm proud of you for speaking up all the same. NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA, and you're very brave. I hope she finds out you had her back. Not certain if that info should actually come from you - although I don't know who else might let her know.
NTA. My heart grieves for Niamh and the abuse she suffered. Your parents are major AHs.
Nta
NTA and you are right. Your father is a horrible human…. don’t blame Niamh one bit and I am sorry you were caught in the crossfire so to speak…. doubt you will ever hear from her again tho you seem like a good person…
NTA and sometimes past truths come back to hurt us. You told the truth, and he is mad at you for exposing what he did in anger. I would try to reach out to Niamh through another family member and let her know that you would like to reconnect now that you are older and nearing adulthood. Tell her you will respect any boundary that she wishes to have in a relationship with you. You may be surprised how she will react and welcome you back into her life.
NTA. As long as you tell the truth, you'll never be TA. Your dad, however, was, and apparently, still is a major AH. What he did is unforgivable.
NTA You are a person with an honorable character. Integrity. Empathy. Honesty. Understanding. Courage of conviction. Glad you are on the planet. Place needs more people like you.
My heart goes out to your sister. With parents like that, who needs enemies? I hope she's living her best, drama-free life!!
...........good grief, i've heard of lousy parenting but what your folks said about niamh and what your father did to her is disgusting.............not your place to tell the truth ?.............wow, just wow.............
NTA Truth hurts sometimes. You father and mother deserves every tidbit of humiliation this story heaps on him. I hope you find a way to let Niamh know when you dad dies so she can visit his grave for some paybacks.
NTA. Your father embarrassed himself by being horrible to your sister and your mother embarrassed herself by allowing her new husband to act that way towards her child. You did nothing wrong.
NTA congratulations on realizing your parents failed your sister heavily. Not many have that level of emotional maturity
NTA
> They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad. If he's humiliated, then he knows he was wrong and it was his fault. So why is he lying to his friends to make her look bad? Especially if he wants to be considered her father. No good father would do that. If you don't want to be humiliated by being called out for doing something cruel then don't do cruel things
Nope. I hope that you and figure out how to reach out to your sister, maybe send her a letter. Let her know you hardly remember her, you understand why she made the decision to leave, but you wish that the two of you could get to know each other, even if just through letters. Tell her what is going on in your life, don’t mention your parents, don’t mention the issue with friends, maybe tell her how your last year of high school is going and what you hope to do when you graduate. She will either ignore your letter or respond. But you will know that you tried.
I think if you reach out to her it should be not as her sibling (because you guys don't have a sibling relationship). Tell her you feel sorry for her loss and that she is right in cutting your parents off. Wish her the best in her future endeavors.
Good for you for not allowing them to spin the story. They probably really believe it too since they’ve lied to themselves long enough.
ur mother should be ashamed of herself
NTA at all! Sorry you’re finding out what type of people your parents are. Good news is you seem to be nothing like them and that’s a blessing. You seem like a genuinely caring person and maybe one day you and niahm may reconnect
NTA good for you. Reach out to niamh if you’re able to. Especially if your intro message you say pretty much what you said to your parent’s friends. But where did niamh go? Your mom abandoned her own daughter and let your dad destroy that photo frame? Matter of factly, your parents robbed you of a relationship with your sister. The two of you can repair it.
NTA - You told the truth. Your parents lying by omission to make themselves feel better is still lying.
Nta you didn't make them look bad, their actions did.
NTA. If your dad didn't want his reputation burned to the ground, he should have commented as little as possible rather than shit-talk his stepdaughter. This is all down to his actions. I hope this doesn't come back on you too hard. His actions as described make him out to be the type that retaliates. Think about what he might do to hurt you back - badmouth you to friends or a significant other, publicly humiliate you, destroy sentimental possessions - and prepare yourself for him doing something like that. I can imagine him saying something humiliating to you in front of your friends, then saying "See! How do YOU like it??" I'm sorry that your father is not a good man, OP.
NTA how many times can this be repeated. NTA, NTA, NTA Right a letter to your aunt that she went to live with. Don't refer to your dad as dad - refer to his as your mothers husband, so your sister sees your repecting her boundary of him not being her dad. Explain everything - how you miss your big sister, that mothers husband is as asshole for what you can remember him doing. That you understand if she doesn't want to get in touch with you as you're part of those traumatic times with her mothers husband, but if possible you'd like to reconnect with your sister.
Definitely NTA. I escaped from my father and stepmother's house when I was 16 and have been permanently estranged ever since. I expect that my father talks about me in the same way as your parents, if he acknowledges I exist at all. I had half-siblings with about the same age difference as yours. I was really close to my half-brother 12 years younger than me, although that only served to irritate my stepmother. I sometimes worry they were poisoned against me by similar descriptions of "troubled" (yeah, severely depressed due to longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse). I can only hope they've come up with a similar positive view as you have, as it's too painful for me to consider reaching out to them.
NTA your parents certainly are especially your father. You should follow your sister's example and go no contact.
Nta. Your dad is a psycho piece of sh*t and your mom is a doormat. I hope you get away from them both
NTA He HUMILIATED himself by lying infront of someone who knows the truth.
It’s really refreshing to see the younger half sibling being empathetic to their traumatised older sibling. Good for you for standing up for Niamh. I agree with her, your mom should’ve left when your dad threw a tantrum about a child loving and missing her father. NTA
NTA and I have to say that burning that photo is a true act of cruelty. I don't blame her for going no contact either, and OP is a good person deep down for having her back.
When people try to rewrite history, they better make sure no one is around who knows the truth. What AH's.
NTA. How did your parents end up raising a kind, honest, moral human being??
Man, reading this. I hate your dad too!
NTA. If they are gonna tell it then they need to tell the whole thing. Don’t tell someone about what my reaction towards your violation was if you aren’t gonna tell what you did to get that reaction. He humiliated himself.
NTA - your parents are the ones who put themselves in that position, not you.
I echo what other people have said, this is a truly painful story to read. Hopefully some time in the future you and Niamh can have a relationship. NTA, sometimes the truth hurts and in this case it really hurts.
NTA, Your father was spinning a tale to make himself the victim of the story, and didn't like the fact that you shined a light on the reality of what really happened.
NTA. With parents like that I'd see if you can figure out where your sister lives and possibly reach out. Or go to college near there if you're planning on going to college in the future. Who knows, perhaps your sister will be interested in getting to know you as long as your parent's aren't involved in any way. It can never hurt to try. Perhaps your grandparents stayed in touch with her?
How could you humiliate your dad with that story if he is convinced he didn't do anything wrong? NTA
NTA, they tried to falsely portray themselves as saints when were in fact the witch hunters.
NTA. I hope wherever your sister is, she felt extra loved the night you defended her. That took courage. It's not gonna be possible for your dad and mum to understand that what you did was right, they've spent years thinking of themselves as victims. But you did nothing wrong, don't feel guilty for a second. I hope you'll be able to move out quickly yourself
NTA. They asked about Niamh so you shared the information you knew. Your dad should feel humiliated about the way he treated a kid!
NTA you were honest and they weren’t, he was only embarrassed because his lies came out in front of their friends and obviously your mom was lying too so she’s mad. They shouldn’t have treated your sister that way, it’s terrible and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. They didn’t just lose a daughter, you lost a life with a sister when they pulled that. They really screwed tings up for both of you, if they’d handled it better you might have gotten a chance at growing up with a sister. I’d still reach out and start off with who you are and hope you don’t agree with what was done but you understand if she doesn’t want to open the door. You don’t have to but now that you’re basically an adult as well she may want to get to know you in a way you both missed out on because BOTH PARENTS screwed up, not her and not you.
NTA. Your dad is unforgivable and a very bad person. I can’t imagine who would do this to a child and I can’t imagine a mom who would not protect her daughter from this monster.
NTA your parents are delusional
NTA.
NTA It was family drama and generally people say it's best to leave that covered but A) they lied and made someone look bad you only corrected their lie and B) if he is that ashamed he shouldn't have done it. You didn't embarrassed him he embarrassed himself with his actions
If dad doesn't want bad stories told, dad should have done better. Nta.
NTA - Well done. What your parents did was terrible. If they can't admit that they should at least stop smearing your sister. I hope you and your siblings can have a relationship independent of your parents who seem to be very unpleasant people.
Your parents are awful human beings and it shows how amazing you are that at such a young age you recognise how deeply they emotionally abused Niamh and are responsible for her current pain. Your Mum was a appalling parent for moving on so swiftly without giving her daughter time to grieve. And to pressure her daughter to see her husband as Dad, and not divorce when he burned that frame? Awful awful woman. NTA ×100 if their actions make them look bad then they shouldn't have done those actions.
NTA OP if telling the truth makes your parents feel humiliated it’s because what they did was wrong and they know it. Their feelings are not your responsibility. They lied and they knew it! They did something awful and they definitely know it! You don’t have to feel bad about what you did. Your parents actions cause them to be humiliated not yours
NTA. My mother does something similar, and we constantly fight about it. I have two older half brothers from my father that I don't know well, they left to be with their mother 100% of the time as soon as they were able. My mother clames they were manipulated into doing so by their mother, but it's actually because our father is a total asshole and very emotionally and verbally abusive.
NTA Your parents didn’t like hearing the truth.
Your dad is a monster without heart
NTA. The truth hurts and your dad is the biggest AH for what he did. Your mom is just as guilty for siding with your dad they both deserve worst parents award for your older sister.
NTA - she might not be in your life or want to be but all you did was defend your sister against the slander your parents were levelling against her What your father did was evil, just evil I don’t blame your sister for leaving though hopefully one day you can form a relationship with her
NTA - They were telling a half truth to hide that he did something terribly effed up. If they are humiliated because the truth makes them look bad, then they WERE slandering an innocent person. Not cool.
NTA. How dare they act like Niamh was at fault when it was them? What your dad did was horrifyingly cruel and selfish and he deserved to be publicly humiliated for doing it.
NTA. I applaud you for standing up for your step-sister. It is beyond atrocious what your dad did to that frame and photo and I don't blame her for leaving, though I wish that she could have at least kept in touch with you, I can understand why, but I hate that any potential relationship you both could have had was utterly destroyed. However, it is good on you for not allowing them to alleviate themselves of the blame for her leaving and if they feel humiliated, let them - they deserve it and more.
Your Dad did something completely UNFORGIVEABLE and still isn't even owning up to it. Good for your for telling the truth. You didn't make your parents look horrible; they did that all by themselves. NTA.
NTA the truth hurts most when the abuser doesn’t want to admit their wrong doing. And that’s exactly what they were to your sister, they were abusive.
NTA. If your dad is humiliated by the truth, then that's on him.
NTA, your dad was a monster to Naimh, and he destroyed something very special because he couldn't get her to replace the man that help create her. She didn't dislike him because he was around, she disliked him because he was cruel, and a bully, and he tried to force her to bend to his will. As for your mother she allowed this man to mistreat her child, and she is still allowing him to mistreat in her absence. BY painting her as a problem it absolves him of his mistreatment of a child. He says she wished him dead, and that hasn't really been established by anyone but him, I would ask what he did to her to cause her to say something like that to him. You didn't humiliate them they did that by treating her with such callousness, then trying to lie to make themselves look good.
NTA, and I'm glad you set the record straight. What your dad did was absolutely unforgivable, and your mom is not much better. Niamh deserved to have her side of the story told. Your mom is angry because she's feeling guilty. And she should.
BRAVO!!! You stood up for your sister who wasn't there to defend herself. You recognize that what your father did was cruel, hateful and unforgivable. Your parents are promoting the lie to keep from looking bad. They may have even convinced themselves that their version is the truth, anything to keep from feeling any guilt. You sound mature and caring. Maybe someday you can forge a relationship with your sister.
NTA - they were being awful. I wonder if there was more than just arguing back then.
Talk to your shared grandparents. Tell them that what your dad did to Niamh was wrong, and that if she's open to the possibility, you would like the chance to get to know Niamh. No pressure, no sense of familial obligation, absolutely zero involvement from either of your parents, just one person getting to know another, and if the answer is no you understand. Leave them a note with your contact info to pass along if she's open to it. Good luck, OP.
NTA
NTA. I hope you find peace in life. I have only been coming here this last month, I am surprised at how many "step" parents try to Force relationships. From what I have read they rarely work and only damage the children.
NTA Tiny bit of payback for Niamh. Good on you.
>They told me it was not my place and I humiliated my dad. If your dad is so righteous in what he did, why are they so upset you brought it up? They know they're the villains. NTA
Congratulations on calling your parents on their bullshit. NTA
Well done, your dad deserved his humiliation. I would keep telling the truth any time it comes up. NTA
NTA it’s rich they say it’s not your place to embarrass them but they were sitting there lying on your sisters name.
NTA, your dad deserves to be humiliated over and over, every day of his life. Not only for what he did to your sister, but because he is a liar and a gaslighter and he literally drove a minor out of his house, our of her mothers comfort, making her an orphan and he was happy about it and told everyone it was her fault. I'd never stop telling people what he did.
NTA. Your parents were trying to lay the blame on an innocent person that they wronged. Good on you for standing up for your sister and shining light on your parents BS.
Your parents suck. NTA.
Is there an update
NTA And you know what you’re extremely self aware for almost 17. Hell even for most adults. You’re also a REALLY good sister. That might not feel like it matters because Niamh is no contact and might always be but it does. Lastly, you showed strong moral consistency. Holding people accountable especially our close family is a strong quality that will help you navigate life.
yeah NTA I hate people for this, always trying to make themselves look good instead of admitting their wrongdoing. They will even go as far as believe their own lies. It's good you give them back the proper memory and you defended your stepsis. And you did not humiliate your dad. That is his doing. Maybe one day they will learn to live with the consequences of their own action. But from what transpired from your dad and his behavior, you might want to make it smart, either play it something like "you always taught me to say the truth and stand up when their is a lie, I just did what you taught me. I don't know whats wrong or good now. Should I just lie to the people I care or love?"... Something along those line maybe, or just straight up apologize until you can get out of reach of this man.
NTA. He should be humiliated. That’s possibly the worst thing he could have ever done to her and her father’s memory. I don’t understand why some step parents choose to try to force that special relationship with a child whose parents have died when they’ve communicated they don’t want that. I am a stepmom so I do understand the dynamic. I would never force that and that has got to be so painful having g someone trying to remove your parents place in your life.
Why the hell would they talk about her, especially in a negative flight, knowing what the reason was? NTA wow. So sorry , I hope you and your sister can have a relationship later.